Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Survive the Hansel and Gretel Experience? with Cass Paige

Episode Date: November 28, 2021

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Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Home of comedy. Culture. Adventures. And ghosts. Good evening everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel.

I'm Jackson. And today we are joined by a dear friend of mine. The eternally effervescent. by a dear friend of mine. The eternally effervescent. The beautiful, the funny, the daring, the brave, Cass Page. Oh, stop.

Oh, I'm too late. You stopped. Effervescent is a lovely compliment because the first time I ever heard it was on a Schweppes ad, so it makes me feel like fizzy water that never goes flat I want a dream who doesn't want to be that where we ask the important questions like how would you survive

the Hansel and gretel two idiot piece of shit kids yeah get booted out rightfully so by their parents into the woods one fat and dumb and one just dumb yeah i don't think they start fat and dumb i think they're both just dumb and then well they're kids yeah they're kids yeah they're dumb they're not dumb dumb exactly they haven't had a chance to be smart yet i don't know because like let's before we explore this yeah are they kid dumb or are they dumb dumb because like bam bam from the flintstones i would say he's dumb, dumb and kid dumb. Yeah, that's true. Good point. Good point.

Fat call. Where Maggie from the Simpsons, she's just kid dumb. She actually seems conniving, to be honest, which is a crazy trait for an infant to have. Yeah, kid smart, Maggie Simpsons. She can handle a weapon. Yeah, that's true. She's got a baby she hates, which is very similar traits to you, Jackson. I have a dog I hate.

That's true. You have a dog you hate? That's true. You have a dog you hate? Oh, yeah. You know that dog Jackson hates? You know my enemy? My mortal enemy? A dog I hate? That dog that Jackson hates!

I hate that dog! Oh, the dog Jackson hates! Of course. Yes, Jackson's enemy number one. That dog Jackson hates. You could call it. That damn dog. Jackson's enemy number one. That dog Jackson hates. You could call it my arch nemesis, I think. Jackson always, halfway through a podcast, we have to edit out him looking out the window and shaking his fist being like, it's a damn fucking dog I hate.

Do you reckon I should wrestle it, guys? I'll show that fucking dog. Like, Jackson, it's going to bite you. I reckon I could get a couple licks in before it got me down. Jackson, it's going to bite you. I reckon I could get a couple licks in before it got me down. So the Hansel and Gretel children, Hansel and Gretel, they lost in the woods.

First, they leave behind themselves a trail of breadcrumbs, which are eaten by a duck. This could be not the correct memory of this particular fairy tale. I don't think it was duck specific, but yeah. They left behind breadcrumbs but they're kids stupid a duck eats it then possibly they leave behind something else uh let's say feathers but they blow away whatever they leave behind them is of no importance okay okay so when you said we all know the story of hansel and gretel you fibbed yeah i lied two out of three of us know it okay what do they leave behind then

bread okay nothing and i thought they left behind something they leave behind then? Breadcrumbs. Okay. Nothing but memories. I thought they left behind something else. No, it's just breadcrumbs. Which is stupid as hell. Don't they leave behind stones? Yeah, they leave behind white pebbles. Gotcha. Okay.

No, me gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cass got me, Jackson, you did nothing. Fine. Someone got got. That's all that matters matters that's all that's important and it was me the victim was the same regardless yeah and then keyword hansel and gretel find a a house made of candy and a witch well they don't know it's a witch but a woman who

is like come in eat my house yeah that's my first red flag okay she's like eat my house i'm like you live in that this is a trap you know you're saying from the get-go someone says hey my house is made of food you want some house you're gonna be like something's wrong yeah because i'll be like if i eat your whole house lady where are you living okay jackson do you honestly believe you can eat a whole fucking house where are you living okay jackson do you honestly believe you can eat a whole fucking house well it depends on how much time i have and doesn't it doesn't start out where the kids are lost and they're like all these crumbs i've left do aren't doing anything and then they find the lolly house they're like oh well we are very hungry and we

are kid dumb let's eat this house they start that finds them and the witch is like, ha-ha. And they're like, does the witch then capture them? Or does the witch... No, I think she's like come inside and then she captures them. I think she starts out with a veneer of like civility. And then when they come inside, she cages up one of them, the girl, Gretel. And Hansel, she's like, hey, dude, you can eat as much of this shit as you like. But obviously she's fattening him up so that she can then throw him in the fire and eat him.

So mistake number one here, Jackson, is that she doesn't say, come eat my house. They just start eating her house. They're starving to death. Also hungry, stupid children. Yeah. Also, I guess I would be like, as we're eating her house and you're like what if she comes out i'll be like we'll eat her house she'll have nowhere to live dude we actually have the power in this situation in this exact situation i can imagine your logic being like

dude if she comes out we'll just fucking eat her and me being like jackson do you think she's going to be made out of the same material as her house? And then you say, duh. And then I say, are people made out of bricks? And you say, oh, no, but that's different. Yeah, well, she lives in that. She came out of the house. Yeah, exactly. I'm made of the same stuff I came out of.

Yeah. And maybe we should have flesh houses. And then you've got me on some other tangent that you have your regrets starting me on you know and then she comes out i also think my immediate instinct would be to run the moment she came out because i would be like we're in such trouble you know she's gonna yell at us yeah so that's already a for the witch you know is gonna make it difficult for her to eat us there's also three of us whereas not not the two for hansel and gretel yeah and whilst we're talking about differences yeah we're big and she is a very

old woman if i was in a life or death situation up against a very old woman i would look yeah i'm just gonna say i wouldn't be particularly scared it's so funny to imagine her being like come in my house and you immediately push her into the oven you can't eat us is she a witch in that yeah uh yeah i think so what magic does she do her house is made of candy i don't think she did that man manually in the woods cass in the woods with come on it's just gingerbread you'd be able to make you'd be able to make a little gingerbread bricks also she's mostly blind

remember because they trick her they trick her with a bow yeah true but no I see what you mean but I think that the trick is Cass that because then she lets Gretel sorry Hansel eat all of the candy so you don't want to be...

It's just a lot of effort on her. I mean, she could do it manually, I suppose. But it's a lot of effort on her part to keep feeding this fat little boy. You know, unless she has magic at her disposal. That's how I'm feeling. I don't know. Maybe that's wrong. I mean, I sent a girl boss, so I think that she could do it.

Yeah, okay. Fair call. Fair call. Actually, also, I'd like to apologize to both Hansel and Gretel, who I called idiot children. I called fat idiot children, but only one of them is fat. They actually outsmart the witch without really thinking about it too hard. They realize that she's basically blind, and he's like,

oh, yeah, no, feel my finger, I'm skinny as hell. Yeah, that's true, that's clever. And she's like eat you be you fat or lean or whatever and then he's like oh shit we gotta do something

about this we gotta kill this old woman he gets to keep eating yeah true king whilst Gretel gets fed

nothing but crab shells oh god okay so that's a quick test are any of us allergic to

shellfish cause then we're fucked I don't like seafood. Okay, Jackson's... It's just me and you, Cass. Jackson's in the oven. I feel like at the stage where you're like,

I don't like seafood, that is a penalty to the witch because the witch has to hear you complain about it. I actually don't like seafood. This is shell. It's not even food. Can't I eat the walls? Hey yeah why did they just start eating jail well well i think the jail is battle yeah well okay if we're surviving the hansel and gretel

experience there are a couple of hurdles we need to overcome first of all are we unlovable enough that our parents would dump us in the woods presuming we are all siblings in this situation in a medieval society are we burden enough for our surf parents for them to be like we gotta boot our nasty children medieval society? yes I don't think

there's not a call for words and vibes in medieval society if I'm not the jester I will be hitting not a call for words and vibes in medieval society. If I'm not the jester, I will be hitting the bricks. Yeah, for sure. So Hansel and Gretel are the children of a poor woodcutter. A great famine hits, and the woodcutter's second wife. So our stepmom betrays us, no doubt that. Oh, okay.

She's like, look, the kids, they fucking eat too much. They're going to starve me and new husband to death and we can just make new kids and yeah exactly the whole time fucking's easy uh i imagine dusha would be annoying because i think the boredom would get to you and you would complain about that a lot there's not a lot to do in a medieval society you don't have your phone you know what are you gonna do you're just gonna be pacing around the house and your dad or your mom your stepmom would be like that's it i'm sick of you pacing you're out of here i'm an obvious nuisance and like you say cast there's no room for vibes or like yeah unless you're a jess stop what are you doing what good buffoon is yeah would probably

be legally sentenced to death by the age of 20 years old yeah exactly exactly and you probably wouldn't survive this all right so we're kicked out of the house by a stepmom yeah that's fair dropped in the woods now yeah next part of surviving the hansel and gretel experience is well what are you leaving behind i guess you got breadcrumbs pebbles what are you brought well pebbles is a good one because you can just pick them up yeah but yeah but that is the issue with pebbles you know someone's just gonna pick them back up again yeah but then also okay also if we get the if we get abandoned by our parents because the breadcrumbs and the pebbles are to lead because they get walked into the woods.

Yeah. And then the family walk back out. And they leave pebbles so they can follow the family back out, back to the house. Where they're like, why are you back here? Fuck off. So, like, we don't even really need to. True. We're clever enough to know that if we go home, we'll just get dumped in the woods again.

It's also so funny. Like, if you leave pebbles on the ground, how are you going to be able to tell your pebbles from other pebbles, you know? Surely there'd be pebbles in a line, but you'd have to drop them so close to each other that your parents would be like, are you... stop it. Yeah, I think we're going to get lost further into the woods, I think. I don't think this is going to work in our favour.

As another thing, this whole thing started because of famine, and they're like, duh, let's drop bread. Yeah, exactly. You should eat that exactly you should eat kids you two are dropping the bread as i'm bending over and eating the bread okay i'm taking the ducks role in this now obviously i don't know would a gingerbread house work on you guys like would that be enticing to you oh i absolutely approach immediately i'd be like is this no fucking way and i'd walk up and be like no way i should i are you eating it though you're eating the house no because i would assume it was an art

installation of some kind but if we were in medieval times big hunk a chunk of bite immediately doesn't exist baby yeah yeah no such thing as art it's medieval times i think i would be more seduced by a meat house, I keep thinking. If there was a meat house in the woods. A sizzling meat house, wafting warmly through the woods. And I could just go over and eat the sausage supports keeping the house up. I think that would work. The house collapses, killing the witch.

You've eaten all the sausages. You don't even really notice what you've done. You don't know you've won. You think you've just killed someone. Time to keep exploring the woods i guess so this house was a dud yeah so is there not something that's going to be more appealing to you guys than a meat house i mean a gingerbread house or is that going to be an edible food house yeah i see well not necessarily edible it just has to be the kind of thing that

will entice you in that's all the quick the witch is doing you know what i mean yeah that's what i'm thinking like a gingerbread i don't really like gingerbread you know what i mean but it'll be cool well yeah but i'll probably be like that's a cool house and then keep walking i'm not gonna be like you know what i mean i'm not gonna go in well that's the thing i'm trying to think of things i like as much and you know meat and cheese are up there but the smell of i'm not approaching a cheese house, you know? Yeah, oh, for sure. Well, it's been out in the sun all day.

That's fair. It's been out in the sun. And worst case scenario, the gingerbread house starts to like some of the sort of hard lollies start to melt. Exactly. But that's fine. That's okay. It just smells sweet. Yeah, that's true. What about.

Oh, hang on. On a side note of that, not including the ocean, because that's the ocean. But you know, when you smell food, you're like, oh, that smells sweet. That smells spicy or whatever. Yeah. Can you smell salty? Ah! Yeah, like the ocean smells salty. But that's the ocean. That's because

little bits of salt are coming off into your nose. Yeah, I don't think you're smelling salt. Sweat has a smell? Yeah, it's the smell of sweat, not salt. What if you just get a handful of salt and smell it? Get salt up your nose. That's what I'm wondering.

Can you smell salt if you put your nose in a bowl of salt? I don't think so. I don't think you can smell salt. I don't think it's a doable thing. I don't think it's a doable activity. Can you smell sweet? Yeah. Can you?

What's the smell of sweet? What do you mean, what's the smell of sweet? Imagine just fucking raspberry candy. That's the smell of sweet? What do you mean, what's the smell of sweet? Imagine just like fucking raspberry candies. It's the smell of raspberry candies. If you've got sugar cooking on the stove, you can smell it. Yeah, that's the smell of sugar, not the smell of sweet. That's sweet. I don't know.

Sugar is sweet. You cook salt on the stove, that's the smell of salt then. I can't smell salt if I do that Jackson, what the fuck What do you think Can you smell bitter? Can you smell any of the general tastes? No, I don't think you can smell them

So when someone says that smells sweet You say no you fucking idiot It actually doesn't smell sweet It smells like a half drunk can of Red Bull Because that's what you're smelling And yeah, that's what's in front of me, Joel Dusha, right now. And that's why I went to that as an example. Any questions?

I think there are sweet smells, but you can't smell sweet. So there are salty smells, but you can't smell salt. I think that's fair. This is one of these very annoying situations where you talk yourself around in so many fucking circles that it gets to the point where yeah if i argue with you i'm gonna come out wrong and then the facebook group the sanspence radio stuff and nonsense everyone is free to join yeah we'll be like uh listening to this week's episode of pop in the death stone uh i actually agree with jackson then i have to look at that fucking post and then i'm like i hate my existence so you know what sure whatever the fuck you're saying yeah thank you

i agree i don't get enough of this so i appreciate you're wrong in which case i don't agree and i want that on record whatever will make me not have to deal with people that's what you're gonna pick well do sure is there something is there a house that would appeal to you more than gingerbread? Is the question. Yeah, gingerbread, to be perfect, I mean, I'd smell that it's gingerbread. But I'm not a big gingerbread guy. Me neither, yeah. It's a kind of shitty biscuit.

What about if it were a house made of cake? Yeah, okay. But are you going to it? Yes. Are you going to eat it? Yes. You're going to be enticed by a cake house? I might go look at it and be like, this is cool,

but I feel like I'd get in trouble if I ate it. So I guess I am starving. Yeah, you're starving and you threw all your bread away. You can probably eat a little bit of it as well without getting in trouble, right? Yeah. You can have a taste. You can have a nibble.

I mean, we assume that we can have a taste i mean we we assume that we can have a little nibble and get away with it but we don't know that there's a witch inside yeah that's true and we don't know the extent of her witchy powers and she could easily like be like maybe it's like a magic alarm who knows but yeah like you could if i okay jackson cast but walking down the street and i'm like i give you $20 if you both go lick a house each and come back without getting busted. I can do that easily. Easily I can lick a house without getting caught.

So you're saying we go buy... But do you reckon you could eat enough of the gingerbread house to sate your appetite without getting caught? Yeah, if we're already starving, then yes, because it doesn't take very much time. Oh, that's true. It's just like one or two bites. Also, you could just break a bit off and keep walking that's like how much gingerbread you're really gonna eat yeah gingerbread lasts for a while as

well it's very funny to imagine youtube breaking off a bit of gingerbread fence and me breaking off a bit of real fence and down the track being like what did you guys oh come on me and cast like this is actually really good. I'm feeling strong. You're like, my mouth hurts. This is just wood, I think. It is like a tree. It's obviously just wood.

I reckon this... Stop eating it. I reckon this is just wood. Maybe there's like a jam centre, like a cinnamon donut, you know? I don't think there is, Jackson. So you're thinking of a jam donut, Jackson. Cinnamon donuts have a donut center or a hole. Nothing. There's nothing in the center.

But every jam donut I've had has had cinnamon on it. Has it? Oh, wait, no, maybe it hasn't. Or has it just had sugar? Are we back to what sweet is? Are we back here? My mouth's cut up. I guess I have had an iced jam donut before they come in pink and chocolate

flavored pretty frequently yeah that actually makes heaps of sense no i wish this was a donut oh a donut house yeah that'd be more appealing to you more appealing than um gingerbread but way more chance of being stale and awful yeah that's very true i would say with gingerbread there's a bigger chance that i reckon i break off enough that i can eat where with donut house i'd be like this will be funny i bite a little bit i'm like oh stale and then for some reason i can't stop imagining taking a bite of a big donut like a big like i'm imagining it's like a house in the shape of a giant donut lard boys fucking donut in the simpsons yeah but, but a jam one, so there's no hole. And then biting it enough that the jam starts leaking out,

then climbing inside, slurping my way up into the jam centre. Jackson wants to reverse get born. I'm going to just quickly unbirth, guys. Do you reckon because it's warm, and you are also warm, it wouldn't feel sticky while you were in it? I think it would. No, I think the opposite. I think it would feel horrifically sticky.

And then you'd drown. Because you're in just jam. The old one too. It's really sticky in here. First you're sticky and then you're dead. You see my legs sticking out of the donut kick a couple of times and then I'm gone. And then the witch comes.

Yes. Hey, Jackson. You're probably thinking about the fact that when you eat you don't really need to breathe well you do need to breathe but it's through your nose where if you climb into a jam donut jam jam is not it jams you up you can't breathe jam that's when the witch comes around and is like he is he dead you're like yeah you can't breathe jam so i reckon and she's like i get it which is like well i'm gonna go eat your friend um i've actually had this whole elaborate plan to get you in and but he's already dead so yeah is that cool you do that i mean he's already dead i mean yeah whatever so me and cats probably just keep going. Yeah, no, fair enough. Fuck off, fuck off. We'll just mosey on over.

I will take a bit of donut for the road. Of course, of course, of course. But the part that Jackson isn't in. It's cool that in a way I'm pre-glazed. That's all right. How is getting covered in jam glazing? It's kind of a glaze. Is a spread a glaze?

It's a sweet glaze. I reckon it can be counted as a glaze If you put peanut butter on both sides of toast Is it glazed? No, but if I got meat If I got some ribs on the grill And I took some jammed donut Santa And I coated the meat in it

That's a fucking glaze If you picked up a jammed donut over some sausages Or whatever on the barbecue And just squeezed it out. That's a glaze! The smell. I reckon it counts as a glaze. I reckon it counts as a glaze.

I think it does. Yeah. Again, this is another fucking trap I've walked myself into. Sure, it's whatever. How has it happened twice? I think it's just a matter of how I'm getting it on the sausages. It's the same shit, that's fucking why. Because if I squeezed it into a tub, you'd be fine with it okay yeah jackson's we're all at a barbecue

together and jackson's cooking we keep offering to help and he's like i could do it jackson goes over with a tub and a little pastry brush and starts yeah like putting putting the red liquid just jamming up the snags, guys. You'd be like, that's fine. That's a glaze. That's what you'd be saying to each other. No, I'd say, I'm going to leave this barbecue or I'm about to kill myself. I don't want hot jam donut sausages, so yuck.

No, thank you. I think it actually sounds delicious. Yeah, I think it's good. Oh, you can get sweet wine. Exactly. You can get sweet glazes. It's a thing. Yeah, you can get sweet. Exactly. Yeah. You can get sweet glazes. It's a thing. Maple glaze is a big thing.

Yeah. Jackson and I have both had sausages recently that were blueberry maple. Exactly. It's delicious. They're so good. So put that on my crispy skin. Cook me in the grill. Delicious.

Anyway. The witch. The witch. Comes around. I'm familiar with it. Let's say I didn't die. Okay. Anyway. The witch comes around. Let's say I didn't die, okay? I went in backwards, so just my head's poking out the door. And the witch, it's so funny to imagine me turning around, putting my legs in, and you're like, what's

the plan, Jackson? I'm like, well, I won't die this way, just sliding up. So what's your plan jackson i know you don't plan to die but what i'm glazed up what do you plan to do i'm eating the doughnut i'm in the distance and i'm like i don't know if that's glazed what is it then but like to just say that i have to take my hands off the ground and i just slide out onto the top of my head. Dog! Like I'm getting shot by the donut.

But what an image. The witch coming around as I'm birthed by her donut house. I don't want to eat her. I don't want to eat you. I think he's not bad. But do we think that if the witch invited us in, if she was like oh my god You don't have to eat the house from the outside

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She's just a nice old lady. I'm not sus. My parents just kicked me out. I'm doing some quick risk assessment. I see this comes back to the Joel Dusha versus evil grandma situation. Not really worried. Do a quick pat down, like ocular pat down. You're like bad knees arthritis one push

yeah i'll be all right too close to her she might die the vibes are death by like vibes that were slightly too bad yeah if you just have a bad thought near her, she might die. So, all right. But that means we feel safe to go inside, right? Yeah. The only problem is, and something I didn't consider, but something that doesn't happen in Hansel and Gretel is, I could be like, yeah, I could take her. But then I would immediately be like, okay, she's giving us food. This could be poison.

Yeah, that's true. Great point. Well, because what happens when you- I'd let Jackson eat first. Yeah, of course, and I would. No, okay. So step-mom has been like, we can't afford to feed the kids, leave the kids in the forest. We are still

children-dom, which means we're like, oh, okay, well, they're our parents, they want what's best for us. Doy. So then we go into the forest, find a house of lollies. We're like, oh, that's why they sent us here. There's lolly houses. And's like do you want to come in i'll feed you we're like okay that makes sense this this makes sense it's all checks out god's plan i yeah i am child dumb i think my parents are all knowing that's what i wrote about yeah yeah but i because

i i i guess the next question is once we go inside which of us does she decide to fatten up and eat? And which of us does she decide to put into a cage? Jackson. Yeah. Let's just say there's one person being eaten and two people working as slaves. Okay. Do you really need to ask? Okay, I'll immediately start eating and the two of you will immediately be put in cages.

That's fair. It'll take me a long time to realize you're even in cages. You'll be in your cages being like, Jackson, Jackson. And I'll turn around with a big mouthful of candy canes. What? How good's dinner? You know, like that photo of the guy who smoked the most cigarettes ever? What?

You mean my hero? At once in the mouth. Okay. i thought you meant over the lifetime and i was like they someone sick he got yeah cool no yeah at one time yeah oh yeah i know i'm familiar 159 cigarettes his mouth fair enough i reckon i can fit 159 candy canes in my mouth. There's a stock image of a guy doing the same thing, but he has cigarettes in his ears and nose as well. Oh, my God. There's also a guy with 10 cigarettes in his mouth.

This is a stock image. Okay. 10 cigarettes in his mouth, unlit. He's wearing a shirt and a tie and holding a gun to his head. Could you please... Where would I find this? Yeah, alright, hang on. What's that about?

Drop a link. Yeah, thanks, man. Thanks, man. Cheers, big ups. I'm excited to see it. Hang on, just... Try and decipher what it means. Oh, man. Somebody sent me a cool...

Oh, that's great. Somebody sent me a gift. All right, Mr. Popular, fuck you. Where did you send the link to the man with a mouthful of cigarettes? Nowhere yet. Hurry up! Don't worry about it. Okay, fuck it.

Forget it. It's good. It's good. Here. It's in chat now. Is this link going to work? Maybe. No.

It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. You've failed once again. We gotta move on. Oh, hang on. I found it. Is it the shocked young man with gun? I don't know if he's shocked, but he's got a lot of cigarettes in his mouth. Well, this one has

12 cigarettes in his mouth. Okay. I'll see if I can send it. See if you can send it through. Yeah, no, it's the same one. Blue eyes? I'd call them green, but... Oh, no. Could be a different guy.

Where'd you send it? At Workplace Chat. Ah, okay. Finally. Finally. Same guy, different guy. Yeah. He doesn't seem shocked.

He seems excited. He seems keen to do it. Yeah, same guy. I like that there are plenty of other stock images of him without the gun yeah and then he's had enough clearly um well here's what i think would happen with that situation figuring out which one of us is the person enslaved by the witch which one of us is fed so there's three of us right so that can't work obviously because that will overpower her and douche like you were saying you think you could take down a witch or an old woman yeah with relative ease you think all

you'd need to do would be blink near her and the gust of air would knock her flying but she's a witch so i imagine the moment you go to throw a fist at her she turns you into a pig or something but she doesn't do that in the story. She can't even stop herself getting shoved into an oven. But that's a shock for her. She's looking in the oven to check its size or something. Then she's knocked in. If Dusha comes at her with a hail maker or a roundhouse kick, instantly

zapped into a pig and then she can have... A better question. Say she intends to eat me. What's a good accompaniment to... Maybe she turns Dusha into the roast vegetables. I'm potatoes. Dusha becomes a sack of potatoes.

Sack of lippy potatoes. Are you fucking kidding me? Don't tip me over or I'll roll out everywhere. And I'm sitting there sucking down candy canes like, will that be bad? I don't know. Don't want to find out. Fair enough.

Fair enough. I think that if I was a sack of potatoes, I could still kill an old leaf. How? No, if it rolls everywhere under her feet. True. If you step on a potato, not only are you slipping on something, but you're also falling from a height.

Yeah, that's a good point. It's not a big height, but they're not very strong. And you're falling into potatoes, which I feel like is dangerous. I'm expecting to turn back into a person when she dies, and I just don't. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm still a sack of potatoes. So if we eat you

You'll be finished But if you don't get eaten You will grow roots And you will breed more potatoes You'll become potato plates I don't know Potato roots are poison right Yeah they could be

I don't know They're part of the nightshade family Really Here's a question though So we need to kill the witch They could be. I don't know. They're part of the Nightshade family. Really? Yeah. Here's a question, though. Okay, so we need to kill the witch. Yes. Dusha is a sack of potatoes.

Cass, I imagine you're dangling in a birdcage-style cage from the ceiling. And I am very plump and beautiful in a corner eating cupcakes and muffins, all right? And probably also handcuffed to a table or whatever because she doesn't want me getting away. Although, am I going anywhere anyway? I'm not handcuffed, okay? But I'm not really

willing to do much. Okay. Eating potato roots is usually fine, but can cause stomach upset and range from problems like heart and nervous system problems, and in severe cases, death. Okay, yeah, there you go. Okay, so you grow roots.

How long does it take, though? Yeah, you know? I will help by pissing on the witch. Oh, beautiful. You'll piss on the witch? Yes. Piss on the witch! I will be hanging from a birdcage from the ceiling.

When she gets close, I will piss on her. She gets pissed on. She gets pissed on. Yeah. I can't imagine that'll go well for her because she's either going to try and get as far away from me as possible. Yeah. The horrid child is pissing.

Why are you pissing on me? Anytime she tries to get close. I'm not letting it all out at once. I will save my piss for her. Okay. So eventually she's going to have to be like, I'm going to take you down from the cage to stop this happening. Oh, so you're going to continually piss.

It's not going to be a one-off thing okay i played the wrong game of piss this is now dusha as a sack of potatoes on the floor do you think and me i guess in the corner as a plump little boy i've become a little boy do we think that if we saw cast pissing, we would be like, this is the beginning of a plan? We'd be like, oh, that's so sad. She must be in her cage. Surely you'd see that I only pissed on the witch. That's true. I've probably got a lot of, I don't know how being a psychic potato

is spilt onto the floor, what that means to my vision. We have so many eyes. Yeah, so either I'm seeing a lot or nothing um yeah it's hard to tell i know i'm existing though we know that i feel and i exist you can feel and roll you all he knows is spill exactly i reckon no they call it the eye of the potato i say you can see i say you can see but doesn't it feel like you can spill but if you get all the potatoes potato, I say you can see. I say you can see and talk. But doesn't it feel like you can spill,

but if you get all the potatoes back in the sack, you can hop around in the sack? Like in a sack race? That's the sort of vibe. Yeah, if the sack is tied up with string at top, you can hop. See, Jackson, from your point of view, I imagine this is what happens.

I'm a sack of potatoes. You're still sucking on candy canes. Cass pisses on the witch. I'm like, Jackson, quick, point of view, I imagine this is what happens. I'm a sack of potatoes. You're still sucking on candy canes. Cass pisses on the witch. I'm like, Jackson, quick. She's pissing. And you then realize. Same. Then you immediately realize that there was a plan you weren't paying attention to. Just not ready for it.

Why are you telling me? Gross. She should do that outside, dude. Not from high up on this lady that's feeding me. She's lovely, this old woman, okay? Don't piss on our new nan. I wonder if a witch's conical hat is anti-piss. That's something I'm worried about for you, Cass.

Does it go down the sides of the cones and then fling off the sides of her broad brim? Fuck, she's thought of everything. She's piss protected from you. I'm screaming, cancel the piss! Cancel the piss! It's going to go on me! The piss just flies off her hat onto the potatoes and into my candy canes, you know? That's so fucked.

This didn't work at all. I'm furious that a witch is piss-proof. They're piss proof now here's a question what happens to pissed off potatoes they go soft okay no i imagine you'd grow because you'd be like oh i can i can work with this so he's getting pissed on for a potato like getting pissed on for a lemon pissing on the garden helps the garden that's true not all gardens yeah not all guys acidic or basic it's one of the two yeah yeah yeah i don't if we i was about to google what happens if you piss on a potato but i know i would get no information that would be useful to me

is human urine good for crops yeah yeah crops is a good one to specify. We don't know if it's... It's like how some fertilizer is good but not for food you're going to eat. Hey, here's an interesting thing. I just googled what are the symptoms of type 2 diabetes, which I would definitely inevitably get.

And one of them is also frequent urination. So, I don't know how that helps us, but I'm pissing heaps too, I guess. Well, you don't have the issue of being above the witch, which means you can come at the witch from another angle. Yeah, I guess I

could piss on the floor around her so she gets... What kind of aim? Urine should be used ten parts water to one part piss. Okay. So as long as the floor's wet, I'll be growing real good. Yeah.

You're both pissing. I just start getting bigger and bigger. And then just smoosh her in between my potatoes. Well, if you roll one potato out sneakily into the yard, you could grow a big potato tree, grow many potatoes over many years. Sorry. Sorry, Jackson. Hi, Cass.

Hi, Cass. How are you doing? I'm doing well. Thank you for asking. Tree? Did you say potato tree? Is potato trees a thing? No.

Can I Google it? Is a potato tree a thing? Let's see if you can find out how a potato grows the potato tree or solanum macranthum also called potato plant or shrub it's not really a tree at all okay okay i'll take the L That's fair I was sweating for a moment there I was like this is the most embarrassing moment of my life

You know when you go to a supermarket And there's potatoes that are unwashed And they're covered in dirt Yeah What does that tell your brain? What's going on? We'll just assume they were put in a dirty bucket when they were picked. Some guy's job is to roll them in dirt before we eat them.

No, I don't know. Anyway, okay. You hadn't thought about it. Good answer. Exactly. So, when is the... Because I think the ideal time to kill the witch is exactly when they go to kill her in the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale.

Yeah. Which is when she's about to put me in the oven so you need to wait till i'm as plump as possible before she cooks me well i think what happens is gretel gets in the because she's like gretel clean the oven and gretel gets in she's like i can't reach and the witch is like you are so stupid look it's so easy i'll do it that's true she pulls a uh yeah a punch of judy on her yeah unfortunately um gretel is pretty proper she does pull a bit of weaponizing competence on the witch that's true that's true and in many ways pretty fucked up yeah she gaslights the witch that's true um okay so yeah oh god there's so much more to this fairy tale that i never knew about

when they kill the witch they they get ferried home by a magic swan that comes out of nowhere. Yeah, then what happens? Okay. They find the father, whose stepmom died of some unknown cause in the interim. It's like, oh, I didn't even stress.

She died anyway. I didn't come find you right away. Don't ask about it. Oh, okay. And then with the witch's wealth, they, don't even stress. She died anyway. I didn't come find you right away. Don't ask about it. Oh, okay. And then with the witch's wealth, they live happily ever after. So... The witch's wealth? Yeah, she's rich as shit.

Yeah. She's packing. She's witch rich, baby. Yeah, she's witch rich. So I assume the way we kill the witch is thus. Yes. The witch goes to put me in the oven. Maybe she does.

We let her. Yeah. As I cook and scream Dusha well I actually can't plan anymore because I'm dying I'm waiting for you guys I'm like right, kick off the plan if you are in the oven

the plan has failed any second now I'm potatoes and Cass is in a cage. I'm like, I'm all out of piss. I don't know what you thought was going to happen. I'm potatoes. Well, okay, no, in this situation I'd probably be gotten out of the cage and she's like,

clean the oven out. And I'll be like, I don't know how to do it. That's true. She's like, I'm wrong. But if I did it, I'd probably do it wrong and you'd probably get mad. Like, I don't want you to get mad at me. So maybe you should just do it because you are crazy.

It's very funny to imagine me being like, Cass, it's not even hard. I don't want you acting like it's so difficult. Let me show you. Clamper inside. Cooked. Oh, I get it. But then, I mean, once she eats me, whatever. She's got what she came for. I mean, I'm potatoes. Oh, yeah get it. But then, I mean, once she eats me, whatever.

She's got what she came for. I mean, I'm potatoes. She's like a snake. She'll be too full. But you're right, Cass. While she's cooking me, she's chopping up Dusha for the side salad. Oh, fuck. Oh, no.

It's actually up to you, Cass, as I slowly baste it in the oven. Pre-glazing everything. What would probably happen is she wouldn't tell Cass to clean the oven if I'm potato. She'd be like, Cass, cut up those potatoes. I'd be like, roll to me what part of you you can't feel. Is there a part of you that isn't you? This is a new experience for me. Maybe I'll bundle you up in put you in the sack and

then as you jump away i'll be like it's it's so hard like i just i just you get it perfect every time and i can't compete with that and like you'll you'll just make me do it again anyway and i don't know how to catch potatoes make me do this stuff when it's like just as much work for you it literally doesn't even make sense and then as she comes towards me i will piss on her yeah between the combination of potatoes rolling around everywhere and yelling jackson being far too keen about plans not working and the constant threat of piss maybe she's just like you know what i've lived a beautiful long life and she just gets in the oven herself i don't need like, you know what? I've lived a beautiful long life. And she just gets in the oven herself. I don't need this, actually, you know?

Yeah. Maybe we wear her out. She's like, I understand why your family got rid of you. Because all three of you are a nightmare to be around. That's rude. Maybe because she's a witch. She witnesses us enough. And she's like, you know what? I know this would imbibe me with your energy,

and I don't claim it. Yeah, I don't want it. Into the oven for me. She's like, I can't even bury you in my garden. You'd ruin the plants. It's good to mention that. I'm like, usually I wouldn't care that you're throwing around stuff like this,

but I'm literally a fucking vegetable. What do you think I'm going to do to your fucking garden? Please also don't get in the oven and kill yourself before you turn me back into a man unless this is going to reverse the process anyway in which case be my guest i guess i'll take that gamble oh shit look she can climb in i will shut the door i will grab the sack of potatoes i will roll jackson out and we'll go home to father it's so good for some reason i keep imagining dusha was made into a potato salad before we could get away and just walking back to the house with a big bowl of potato salad jackson i can feel

you want to eat me don't fucking dare dude so desperately, you're not hungry anymore, are you? Don't ask. Your boy is potato salads now, and your daughter's covered in piss, so it's been a crazy... One of those is easier to fix. Yeah, it's been a crazy day. I think your son's gonna go off, which is scary.

I don't know... Papa, what happens when a boy goes off? I don't know what's to be done about that. Anyway. Oh, you'll have to be buried in any case. So why not bury you when you're fruitful? Yeah, exactly. Great stock of boy potatoes.

I did it. Yeah, you became boy potatoes, which we feast on. We're not hungry anymore. You ended the famine for the whole village. I did. which we feast on. We're not hungry anymore. You ended the famine for the whole village. I did. I guess we actually beat Hansel and Gretel in a way that we solved the famine. Yeah.

We fixed a systemic issue. Yeah. It was more than mere survival for us. We aced this. Yeah. Thanks, Weaponized and Confident. We should be proud yeah I am and on that note

I've been Joel, I've been Jackson and I've been Cass thank you so much for joining us Cass thanks for having me and Cass before you go where can our lovely listeners find you right in your headphones if you put them up to your ears

you can hear the sound of me. Beautiful. I was really hoping for a better ocean analogy there. I was like, wait, the ocean is a noun. You can't swing this. I am on other SansPence Radio podcasts. I'm on D&D's for Nerds with Jackson, if you want to hear us play in fun characters.

I'm on Shut Up a Second with Jackson, if you want to hear us play in fun characters I'm on shut up a second with Jackson if you want to hear us talk about nonsense and I'm on why am I sad with Joel Zammett if you want us to talk about emotions damn you spoiled for choice yeah there's heaps going on that's exciting ass

well thank you Cass and listeners we'll see you next you'll listen to us next we won't see shit all you need to do is if you miss us hold your headphones up to your ear and you can hear the sound of I still couldn't think of anything the closest I got was broshen but I'm not a

am I a bro? I don't know might as well be it would feel weird calling you bro if I was like hey bro bro, don't like it. Nah. I don't really say that to anyone, so.

Yeah. What about bra? Hey bra. Hey bra. Yeah. That's cool. You can hear the sound of the bra-tion.

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