Plumbing the Death Star - How Would YOU Take Down The Fantastic Four?

Episode Date: April 26, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most biased podcast network. Before we get to today's episode, we're joined by the beautiful, incredible man of the people, Tom Walker, to talk about his latest Amazon Prime special. Please, Tom, if you would, take it away. Let us know. Take it away and then give it to us, Tom. Yeah, take it away and then give it right back. Consider it taken and I'm now. Take it away and then give it right back. Consider it taken, and I'm now rearing up my arm to give it right back.

I've got an Amazon Prime special that's coming out. It's an hour of my comedy stand-up and physical stuff. It's called Very Very, and it's available on that platform from Friday, May 1st. So please motor on over and have a look. I'm very proud of it, and all the Sans Pets people were there at the recording and it was good if you're lucky you can hear us you'll be able to hear us laughing if you're lucky

if you've listened to Tom on Big Soft Head and you think he sounds funny wait till you see how funny he looks you're gonna have such a good time alright thanks guys please check it out so long hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star

where we ask the important questions like how would you take down the fantastic four They've had it coming for too long. I'm sick of them. Get out of my New York. There's a fucking stretchy guy. There's some invisible one. There's fucking hot fella and rock.

That's true. I hate them all. As he loves to say. It's fucking hot fella and rock. That's true. I hate them all! As he loves to say. It's rock time. Shut up, rock! I miss when my rocks didn't talk. Yeah. They just sat there and did nothing. Were nice looking in my garden.

Now they're animate. I've got no time for it. Alright, well look, I know me. Yeah, okay. I'm a little dumpy. Yeah, sure. I can't really fight the Fantastic, especially Rock. He's going to hurt.

He's so big. And hot guy. How do you punch him without getting burned knuckles? He's just hot. Yeah. So, the thing I know about the Fantastic Four the most is that Reed is not an attentive husband. That's true. Namor is on the scene.

Oh. And he basically kind of keeps cutting the lunch of Reed because Sue has the hots for Namor. But she never- Why be with Stretch Man when you can be with Fish Man? Exactly. Fish Man, who's so confident and hot that he only wears Speedos like always. That's amazing. He's got Speedos, like green fish scale Speedos, like, always. That's amazing. He's got Speedos, like, green fish scale Speedos,

little wings on his feet, and sometimes, sometimes, wears a leather, like, jerkin'. Oh, that's good. Now, that's a man who just exceeds. Oh, yeah. And they're low, they're low little green undies as well. He's showing off his cum gutters. Yeah, good. They are little budgie smugglers.

Yeah, that's good. It's almost like a three-pronged step plan. Attack. Yeah. What I've got to do is- Whilst this may be a non-violent attack, it's violent in its motives. Yeah, absolutely. The first thing I've got to do is I've got to go to Namor.

Yes. And I've got to be like, you know go on, get like a scuba suit or whatever and go under the sea and be like, Namor, Namor. What's your name? That's great. You get a scuba suit. You sound drunk. Drop in the ocean.

Namor. That's Namor. That is where you fish. Plan to tell this damn guy. I'm literally the speedo boy. Come got us or whatever. Have a Dutch courage because if Rock finds out... We've let him down there drunk off his ass.

What? I'm in so much trouble. I'm riding the boat. Riding the boat. Am I drunk? Jackson, we were just at a bar. Come on. We're in water.

You're holding a cocktail. Oh, my God. Okay, so we're all wearing Hawaiian shirts. We're on a cocktail. Oh my god. Okay, so we're all wearing Hawaiian shirts. We're on a bit of a pleasure cruise. We're all like, you guys shush. If hot boy finds out he's going to make the water steam and I'm going to cook.

So give me that oxygen tank and push me in. So this is where our plan started. We're all drunk on a pleasure cruise and I said hey, we need to kill the Fantastic Four! Yeah, I hate Rock! You're so right. Rock's the worst and hot? Are you kidding me?

Rock, hot Stretch and gone Yeah, you know who is there's that invisible one Gone! Yeah, gone and Stretch, she married Stretch Yeah, yeah, yeah, but she she loved Fishboy. Yeah. Where are we?, she married Stretch, yeah? Yeah, yeah. But she, she loved fish, boy.

Yeah. Where are we? We're in the ocean. On a yacht. Go see fish. I got a plan, boys. Give me that oxygen tank, push me in. Okay, done. Push me in.

It's great that as you sink, there'll be a scramble to get your scuba gear attached. Oh my God. I've been sobered up by the water very quick. Oh shit, I need to swim. And then you find Namor. And Namor. Right, my God. I've been sobered up by the water very quick. Oh, shit. I need to swim. And then you find Namor. And Namor. Right.

Namor. Look, hey, I know you got this whole Atlantean thing to run, but you know what you love? Sustel. She's great. You're horny for Gorn. That's okay. You love Gorn.

You love Gorn. Do you mean Sustel? Yeah. Whatever her real name is, who knows? We call her Gorn Do you mean Sue Storm? Whatever her real name is We call her Gorn I've got to get buddy buddy with Namor And to be like You're all for fish rights That's cool

We need that We need the fish So best way we can do this Is why don't you Like back in days of old where two big houses joined by marriage to kind of like further political and power

and whatever and who's more powerful than Gorn? That's true. Two of the most powerful houses in the MCU The Sea and Gorn. And Sue Storm. Exactly. So Sea and Land. Sea and Air. Sea and gone. And Sue Storm. Exactly. So sea and land. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sea and air. Oh my, oh my. Sea and air. That's clever. Land is fucked. Come on. And you know what you hate? You hate land.

Yeah, and also, I mean, you can kind of point out, you can be like, hey, so the Fantastic Four are the four elements, except for Reed Richards, who everyone says is water, but that doesn't really make sense. He's stretchy. But you are water. Rubber's not an element, last time I checked. Where do you live?

Water, mate. Okay, so we get the moron to the ship. Yep. Oh, my God, a moron? Maybe. I was like, all right, get him all hyped up to be like, you've got to do it. Hyped up to cuck.

Cool. Hyped to cuck, baby. Hyped to cuck, baby. Hyped to cuck. Alright, cool. Now, step two in this plan. Yeah. Name all the balls. I need to go on a girls' night out with Gorn. Yes. No boys, no boys. It's a girls' night out. And

have a nice chat with her and be like, man, Reid's a piece of shit. Yeah, that's true. You've got to sit Sue down. I love, love, love sitting down with someone's wife and being like, shit, Reid's a piece of shit. Yeah, that's true. You've got to sit Sue down. I love, love, love, love sitting down with someone's wife and being like, cheat on your husband. Fuck different man. Fuck fishbowl. You've already done it once maybe.

We don't know. Look, Franklin, who's the dad? We can't say. Who's more powerful, Namoron or Reid to Richard? Stretch or fish? Who's more powerful? It's New York and we can have a Sex in the City marathon. It'll be great.

We'll have the Cosmos. It'll be good. Getting someone hyped up to cheat on their husband is so funny. I just love It's New York. It's like what you keep falling back on when she's unsure. It's New York! The city of love!

Gone! What would Samantha say? What would Samantha say? It's New York. It's New York, baby. Fuck fish. Fuck fish. Hey, Samantha does have an attachment to sushi, but then her husband slash, no, not husband, boyfriend fucks her

over with that. He's just got a job. attachment to sushi but then her husband slash, no, not husband, boyfriend fucks her over with that. I don't know. He's just got a job. He was an actor. He got held back at work. That was a whole miscommunication. That was the movie and poorly written. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she would still associate Fish with being

let down by her actor boyfriend that I think she dumps after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smith-Jarrod. But I think Gorn can appreciate that Stretch is not a good man. Yeah. He isn't a good husband. Exactly. I think Gawne would love the excuse. So, okay, the three of us, we've got to go to a club,

a lot of drinks, and we get to the storm, and we just have a lovely- Dammit's drunk before the- He's just stepped off the pleasure cruise. We've got to go get drunk. I think you are. Aren't we all right? Okay. I mean, I've served up a bit, but...

I'm loving this pineapple drink. It's good. Anywho, we've got to go somewhere. We get... Who's friends? I don't know if she has any friends. This is your plan, mate. She-Hulk. She-, mate. She-Hulk.

She-Hulk. She-Hulk. You called up She-Hulk thinking that her name is She-Hulk, thinking that she'll be super for this. She's like, finally, uniting air and sea. I love She-Hulk. She-Hulk. You mean She-Hulk?

I guess I do. Hand over the She-Hulk. Guys, I fucked up. Guys, I made a big fuck up no it's she Jennifer yeah we're going out with Sue you want to come along

it's a girls night out no boys no boys so we simply invite her I don't know I was going to say Jean Grey but no telepath don't want her finding out my plans do you want Jean gray involved that makes the cheating i mean that's bad that's manipulation but you're already manipulating her so hey well i think jean gray can be like i'm looking in your

brain so storm sorry go on and i can see that you don't love your husband yeah but you're horny for no more so so you're just really really relying on that and jane gray i mean because like you know she's she understands being with a shit boyfriend cyclops sucks had an affair psychic affair with emma froth you know it's fine so she'd be on side i might also take down cyclops because i hate him you You fuck Jean Grey. I'll fuck Wolverine. Just getting pounded by Wolverine halfway through, I'm like, wait a second. Is this what I wanted?

What was the plan tonight? No, I mean, I want this. This is good. It's intense, but it's good. But I don't know how this fits into the plan. Wolverine, sorry, I'm going to swivel around to face you. What was my plan? Don't stop. My legs are still up for a reason. Yeah, yeah, but'm going to swivel around to face you. What was my plan? Don't stop.

My legs are still up for a reason. Yeah, yeah, but what is going on actually? Wolverine's balls slamming into your balls, I feel would feel bad. His would be spiky. He would have sharp little hairs on his balls, and I got soft, gentle hairs on mine. You are famous for your soft gentle ball hairs.

It's good to imagine you two being like, wait, where's Jackson? I think you misunderstood the plan. I'm like, where's Jackson? Wait, why am I thinking about Jackson? I'm having sex with Jean Grey. Wait, what was the plan? Jackson's in the room next door.

See, Sue, you see Sue. Cyclops knocks on the door. Hey, I'm like, dude, I'm busy. I'm busy, go check on Jackson. Knock on the door, yeah, gotcha Cyclops knocks on the door. Hey. I'm like, dude, I'm busy. I'm busy. Go check on Jackson. Knock on the door. Yeah, gotcha, Cyclops. What? Wait, what?

What was the plan? I forget what we were doing. Where's Sam? Oh, my God. So I'll be there, arm over Sue and Seahawk being like, see, everyone's having a good time. And then we get Sneaky Namor to appear at the club. Okay.

And then he can swoop in and him and Sue can hit it off. Yeah. Your plan is literally just to be like, Sue, you should have an affair. Here's Namor. And be like, hey, Namor, you should sleep with Sue. Sorry, three-prong approach. Fuck.

Oh, no. I'm so drunk at this point. Okay, I've got to go with Sue. Sorry, three-prong approach. Fuck. Oh, no. I'm so drunk at this point. I've got to go distract Reed. Reed! What? I don't know. Do you want to just have a chat? Can you call me an Uber?

I'm in trouble, dude. Can I sleep on your couch? Yeah. I lost my wallet in a drain. Exactly. Can you get it with your arm? I lost my wallet in a drain. Exactly. Can you get it with your arm? The cash fell out. Maybe I don't need you for this plan, Rick.

Maybe I need Sue's brother. Yeah, give me Hot. He's his younger brother. Who are you? You've involved so many people in this plan. Give me Rock while you're at it. Hot rock. Hey, you're so happy.

Okay, so your plan to defeat the Fantastic Four is to involve the Fantastic Four now. So at least me and Jackson sleeping with Gene and Wolverine respectively makes sense. At least that has an achievable goal. Yeah, what happens when... Clear results. What happens when spiky hair meets soft gentle hair? makes sense. At least that has an achievable goal. Clear results. What happens when spiky hair meets soft gentle hair? Now we know. We know. It's prickly

but good. So I'll sit down in a drunken state and have a chat with Hot and Rock. Hopefully Reed will be overhearing because he's a nose little bitch. And I'll be just like, is Sue even happy? And they'll be of course like, no she's not. But, yeah, yeah. And I'll be just like, is Sue even happy? And they'll be, of course, like, no, she's not. But Namor makes her happy.

Okay, look. I hear little Bertie told me that she's currently at, you know, the club with Namor. Jean and Seahawk was there. So I like to imagine this is how the night ends for Zammett. Okay. I imagine maybe Namor and Gorn are just having a nice chat. Maybe they're bonding.

And Zamet's getting the shit beat out of him by the rest of the Fantastic Four. Has Reid ever used his arm to become a noose before? Oh, no. I just like to imagine Zamet, like, you know how you can get kicked out of a bar where they grab you by the scruff of your neck and the pants? But it's just Reid's long hands doing that out of the window. Kicking you out of the city. But then if Reed goes and goes to see Gorn and chat in the neighbor,

it's going to be like he'll blow up and have a bit of an NEC fit and then prove that, you know, he's not emotionally mature to be in a marriage. Hey, Joel Zammett. Is Reed Richards the jealous type? Heaps. I think it works. I think it works. Or even still, Reed will be seething and be like,

I had to deal with this drunken idiot. And where were you all night? Gone. Gone? You were here with what? Gone was gone. I know you were. I've put surveillance everywhere. I'm tracking you as we

speak and that's going to cause another issue. I'm going to call up Reed Richards at this point and ask if he's got any optic blast preventable suits I could wear. Do you have any ruby quartz lying around? Why? Hang on, who are you? It's great to imagine Dusha and me and you crouched in a bush in just our underwear

at a hotel. Fuck, dude. I don't know why I'm in trouble. Thanks for hiding in this bush with me, dude. Dude, that's okay, man. I'm so fucking scared. I'm going to go try and find Steve Hawk and be like, you're a lawyer. I need to report a crime.

Gene's like, I'm so sorry, Scott. I made a mistake. I'm like, no, you should at least calm him down so I don't die. He's going to kill me. This was your idea. Where did Wolverine go? He was my ride. He left.

He had to. Those balls are too soft, bub. I got to find myself again. You always say that. That's bad. Wolverine comes and jumps out the window and scurries into the bush to find himself. Damn it.

I gotta clean up myself. I didn't even come. Gotta sleep in an empty bed. A wet empty bed. Rats. Well, I think you did a pretty good job. Thank you. I think you've damaged the

Fantastic Four in a way, but it could also be all kept secret and done, you know. Oh yeah, like the thing is, it's kind of like well, this is fine. You can have little trysts, but we're going to still be a family. Be like, for the public, we need to remain the Fantastic Four.

We can't become the Fantastic Three, and we can't become the Fantastic Four and their bull. So, we're gonna have to say the Fantastic Four, maybe we can get divorced, nevertheless, we remain as the Fantastic Four. So, I reckon I've definitely hurt

them emotionally, and where it hurts, the family. Absolutely. Well, I think what I would like to do is to debate Reed Richards in a, well Absolutely. Well, I think what I would like to do is to debate Reed Richards in a, well not debate, I guess interview Reed Richards in a sort of Frost v. Nixon style interview where I can reveal to the world

how lame the Fantastic Four are. Can I be your Sam Rockwell aka Research Boy? Of course! Find me as much dirt on Reed as you can. He is the lamest boy ever. I'm going to chat to Seahawk and see what she can dig up.

Oh no. Summer is drunk again. I think there are plenty of cool superheroes out there. I think they do nothing for New York's image and I want to basically bully them live on air

publicized for the world to see. Try and prove that Reed Richards was responsible for Watergate also. I reckon. Nixon was innocent. Don't lead with that Jackson. No. Someone should be a fan.

Just Reed being like yes but when a superhero does it it's not a crime. It's always a crime. Reid. All the producers are like, fucking God, isn't it? You got him, Jackson. That's not what I wanted to do. Nixon is innocent.

And this boy's lame. Yeah, well, again. I'm tuning in because I'm very curious to where that's going. So as we all know, Richard Nixon, innocent. Tricky Dick is an unfair nickname. He was not tricky. He was a straight shooter. Straight shooter Dick.

That's what they should have called him. Straight-o Dick. It's going to happen to all my producers being like, do the interview. No. There's a lot of things that Nixon did that he doesn't get. He made the EPA. He was really important about the environment.

Mr Reid, thank you for coming on. I no longer need you. I have a new goal. Proving the innocence of Richard Nixon. Yes, he tapped a lot of people. It wasn't great. He did it for the people, for the American people. Yes, he definitely made cannabis A lot worse than it actually

Yes absolutely Sure he made America significantly worse But maybe that's good Absolutely oh no Reid come back But did you see the peace hands Did you see them Whoever does the peace hands that's a symbol for peace

But also a symbol of hippies who love weed Which Nixon hates. Yeah, but can we go to a break? The peace symbol is kind of cool. You can do it in a photo to look cute. But read is not

cool and that's the subject I'm here to discuss today. Drug use is sometimes seen as cool and he hates drugs. Anyway, now for an ad. Also, do you know that we do

too many shows across the Sandspans radio network? Take Shut Up a Second, our very first podcast we ever did. It's a nightmare reflection to where it all started,

but damn it, I can't help but feel like a proud dad. Early on, I edited all the episodes, watching ever-vigently from the producer box, until one day I realised they just didn't need me anymore. The training wheels had come off, and sure, there'd be some minor scraps along the way, but my heart beams with deep satisfaction of how far they've come.

Oh, it's also just some hot, dumb, funny bullshit, so search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sandspansradio.com. So I think the first thing I'd get Reid to do would be stretch and then I'd just look at the camera and be like, are you seeing this shit? Lame. Are you seeing this shit?

It's stretching. Who cares? And then I'd get Sue to do her power and I'd be like, who cares? Invisible. Maybe Rock can stay. No, Hulk's better i like the idea that um see i think i prefer rock over hulk is that so because rock ugly stuck like that yeah yeah yeah feel bad hulk don't feel bad i guess rock gets the sympathy vote okay rock can stay

plus rock seems to not be that unstable, whereas Hulk, he seemed pretty unstable. When was the last time The Thing... Also, The Thing's named The Thing. That's wild. Who? Rock. The Rock. Oh my god. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? He's a chef.

They describe themselves as The Fantastic Four. Terrible name. Also, hey, Reid, what's your name? Mr. Fantastic is the name of your superhero identity is Mr. Fantastic. Okay, so Sue Storm, when you discovered that you were invisible, you were like,

ah, yes, I'll be called Invisible Girl. I mean, you should have gone for Woman, but that's fine. Hot Johnny Storm, you're like, hey, I catch on fire, Human Torch, that's fine. Rock, I would have gone for Rock, but you decided that you're like, hey, I catch on fire. Human torch. That's fine. Rock, I would have gone for Rock. Yeah, but you went for the thing.

Hey, I'm ugly and I look like a thing. Maybe you saw John Carpenter's The Thing recently and figured you were unlovable. That's fine. Don't have time to unpack that, but you call yourself a thing. Now, Reid. Yeah. You decided you were a stretchy cunt. What was your name?

And then you decided to call yourself, what was it again? Mr. Fantastic. Interesting. And you called your group the? Fantastic Four. Interesting. Yeah, that's pretty. And then I look at the camera.

Lame. Can you describe your villains real quick? Mole man. That's not very cool. A dictator of a foreign country. Shouldn't that be the US's problem? Yeah, not yours A family

How are you going to make fighting Galactus seem uncool? There are other people that can do it that are cooler Galactus! Captain Marvel Yeah, get Captain Marvel to do it Well, here's what I'm going to be doing I'm going to be like, who's the Herald of Galactus? The Silver Surfer

What's cool? Surfing You want to stop that And I'll look at the camera and say, no, Richard Nixon is innocent. Cut to an ad. I'm going to keep reminding the people. You've got to pepper that in.

You've got to pepper that in, absolutely. You know, Dr. Doom, that's a cool name. Sure, he's a dictator of, you know, he is a dictator, but it's a cool name. Latveria or whatever. It's a cool name and he's got a cool look. Nobody here has a cool look. You wear jumpsuits.

Dr. Doom made a deal with the devil, made his face all weird and scarred or whatever. That's awesome. That's sick as hell. He should be our new hero. That's why I put it to the people that we put Dr. Doom in the old Fantastic Four building, and we send the Fantastic Four to Latveria.

Also, hey, Reid, what kind of car do you drive? Is it the Fantastica? Which looks like four bubbles connected in the middle. And what's that? They can detach themselves and fly off? Cool job, Reid. So interesting. Johnny Storm.

No, not Johnny Storm. Johnny Blaze. Whatever. Ghost R Storm. No, not Johnny Storm. Johnny Blaze. Whatever. Ghost Rider's on fire, dude. And in a cool way. He's got a skull. Yeah, look at this dickhead on fire. He's just hot.

I've not given them many opportunities to speak. No. Also, hey, you know when you thought maybe a member of your team was perhaps too dangerous for our influential youngsters. What did you decide to do, Reid? Was that make a lame robot called Herbie and shun your brother-in-law to somewhere else? Herbie, which might I remind you is named after a talking car.

The love bug. Yournsville. The car is much cooler. I'm there in the back. Give me the thumbs up. You're doing it You're doing it Jackson Just a question from the audience Would Richard Nixon Not love Herbie the love bug Well he might love the

Sequels Herbie Goes Bananas And Herbie on Holiday Which are classics Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo I believe is the name Are you qualified for this In Herbie goes to Monte Carlo, I believe is the name. Are you qualified for this? In Herbie knowledge, yes. No more questions.

Thank you very much to the Herbie fan in the audience. If anybody else has any questions about Herbie, the love bug, I would happily field them. In many ways I wish this interview was about Herbie, the love bug. You and the audience. Jackson, no, no. Move on.

Now time for an ad. Also, what does it redo? They made that prison in the The raft? The phantom zone. They decided that the no judge jury they were just going to wrap up

all the superheroes and chuck them into the negative zone. Doesn't that sound like something Richard Nixon would have loved to do? Doesn't that sound like something you, Jackson, would also love to do? Don't bring that up. And now for an ad. Scribbling that out. Scribbling that out. Why did you...

Shouldn't have asked that question. That's cool as hell. He got away. He fucking put dead people in the negi zone. That was fucking sick. Absolutely. Every single member of the Fantastic Four would be cooler alone. How about that for a bold claim?

The thing, living alone, maybe as a detective, that's cool. Johnny Storm is sort of like a superpower jock, cool. Invisible Woman, hard to make her cool but still being invisible is cool maybe it's a spy that'll be all right also like you've got the entire spy that's cool right now read though well he can what's good at stretching seerstorm should be black widow yeah she should that would be cool so like widow too yeah there you go make her spy for the military. Shield was, I think, the word you were looking for. I think also America that you stumbled on. Military?

No more questions. Go to an ad. Jackson, we can't keep cutting to this many ads. Every time you've run out of ads, they're just like, sausages. Buy one today. You know what's good? Ham. It just cuts to you

zamit as a producer yeah get uh get some ham i guess if you want you know uh rats suck get some rat poison today get rid of them rats hey feeling tired Why not drink a coffee? Coffee. It's good. Check your fruit bowl. Is a banana there? That's lucky. Banana.

And we're back. Mr. Fantastic's powers would only be good for cleaning sewers stealing chips from vending machines he's just like getting contracts for like hey here's a detective agency thing I've got shoot on the line for you Sue Storm Johnny hey

there's like an American, like a high school American football team that needs a coach, which I reckon you'd be great at. Fantastic, yeah. And then you. Steel chips. Steel chips. From a vending machine.

Clean a drain. Oh, you'd be good at cleaning a drain. If something gets lost down a hole, you could get down there and look. Oh, loose change behind a couch. Yeah. You'd be good at that. You could probably do a thing where if we made you sticky somehow, we'd put you in a house and you'd fill the house

and collect all the dust, you know, like to clean a house. We could do that. And you could probably be no, actually you'd be bad at that. Never mind. Parachute for one guy. Yeah. If you got yourself real tiny and made yourself into a ball, you could at that. Never mind. Parachute for one guy.

You got yourself real tiny and made yourself into a ball. You could be a soccer ball. You could be a basketball. You could do science for us. Stretch your arm as far as you can. Try and touch the sun. How hot is it? Did it hurt? And then you could tell us. You could do

a maze real good. Go to every direction. Pretty quickly you could do a maze real good. Go to every direction. Pretty quickly you could do a maze, I reckon. You could help the next door neighbor kid beat that level of Mario without leaving your house. You could grab a helicopter out the air. You could rescue cats from a tree. That's about it.

That's it, I think. That's the list that I've got written. It's a big list. Yeah, and we won't care about you because none of them are cool. Except for stealing chips from a vending machine. That's cool as hell. Oh yeah, and I think that's what you could do. I hope, American people, I've

convinced you today that Richard M. Nixon is an innocent man. And then I put up my hands and the peace sign. I am not a crook. Good night. Tonight Jackson stopped half an hour early. Oh, my God.

Hey, do you need to put things on a surf? Have you heard of table? Flutes are pretty cool. That's a pretty good sound you can get out of them. Buy one today. I don't know where from. A music store, I guess. Do they have those?

You need cables to plug into microphones. Why don't you get a cable today? Are you looking for a producer Because I don't know how this is going to look For my career If you need someone to do I did a pretty good job here I'd love to show you the script for this

But I don't think there was one He didn't give me one Here's like this There's like a mountain of research That we have which is called Lame Richards. As you can see, untouched by Jackson's hand. I don't know at what point he wrote that list of things Mr. Fantastic could do.

I wasn't part of that. I don't know. I'm in my green room like, I think that went really well. I think Richard Nixon's going to get out of jail. Eating a platter of ham. Yeah, things went alright for me. My future's looking bright. It's great also

to imagine the Fantastic Four just awkwardly like sitting on the interview couch like, is he coming back? What was this? Everyone's expecting... He didn't ask us questions. He yelled at us for 20 minutes. We said 40.

It's similar because you were hoping for a Dr. Manhattan thing where he yells and disappears, but instead you disappeared to go eat ham. How'd I do? Well, the team stayed together. Damn. And you tried to get a former president out of jail that's not in jail.

And how did that go for him? Nixon's dead. He's dead, but not in jail. And how did that go for him? Nixon's dead. He's dead, but not in jail. So I guess you won? Yes. He did quit before he got... Another victory for Jackson. When did Nixon die?

I don't know. Was it good? Rack and do it. Yeah. All right. Well, you've done... Yeah. You've done something.

What do the American people think of the Fantastic Four? They're like, maybe I don't need television anymore. All the programs are bad. If this is what I'm going to be watching, screw that. I reckon it'd be entertaining television. Like, yeah, I want to see him interview more superheroes. Let's be honest. So show me your dick, Spider-Man.

JFK is still alive. JFK's still alive and I'm here to see Spider-Man's dick to see if it's a regular dick or a spider dick. I've got a photo here of what a spider dick looks like. Oh, yuck! Don't show me your dick, dude.

If it's a spider dick. But if it's a real dick, that'll probably cheer me up after looking at this. Oh, I looked at it again. I just tear it up. So anyway, Spider-Man. Show me your dick. But if you don't show me your dick,

I'm going to assume you've got a spider dick and that's proof that you're a spider dick and that I'm going to throw up now. Oh, man. So even new Spider-Man, you should be still alive. And then he cuts the technical difficulties. Thank you to our sponsor,

condoms. Wrap your dick. In brackets. Especially if it's a spider. So you've both done a pretty good job. Thank you. But I think you've attacked the Fantastic Four one, not violently enough and two, too late in their career. That sounds right.

Me, on the other hand, going back to the source. Okay. So I was thinking, obviously, MCU time travel exists in different situations, but I think the easiest way for me to do this is befriend Kitty Pryde. I've already been to the X-Mansion. I'm well acquainted with both Jean Grey and Cyclops. Yeah, absolutely. Jean loves you. Yeah, Jean loves me.

Cyclops, everyone hates her. His opinion doesn't matter. That's the guy that fucked my wife. Come in. That rules. Who has it at this point, Scott? Come on now. Alright, fucked the wife. Up top. Do what you like. Goodbye.

Hey, Kitty Pride. I need you to do me a favour. You know how you sent I think it was originally you But we're going with a different timeline Remember when you sent Wolverine back in time To a younger version of himself Yeah, I guess

In Days of Future Past of the film So you're going to Days of Doucher Past I'm going to Days of Doucher Past Go back So I think you're probably with your plan No, see I'm currently you know what my plan is now

how long have Fantastic Four been Fantastic Four if you go from the comic dates you're in trouble it's the 60s so I'm not even cum my dad is probably almost still cum. Yeah.

Okay, so look, we could go with... When was the last reboot? The air date of the Fantastic Four series, which is the cartoon, 1994. Or we could, I mean, if we're just picking random things, we can go the air date of Fantastic Four feature-length film. Yeah, that's true. Or the last time there was a... 1994, true. Or the last time there was a...

1994, dude. Or the last time there was a reboot, the FanFourStick, we can go with that date, which is like 2014 or something. No one can remember. No one knows. Yeah, I haven't seen that film and can only assume it's not real.

When did FanFourStick come out? 2015. All right, let's send you back to 2015. The Bean Fantastic Four... Wow, that did not do well across the board. Oh, yeah. 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, I mean, it destroyed a man's career

and really almost... Fantastic Four are back at Marvel for a reason. Anyway. So you're back at... 2015. 2015. Got to get to NASA. Sure, okay.

I get to NASA. I'm capable. I'm still in my 20s. I could get to NASA. You can get a plane. Yeah, I'm capable of Okay. I get to NASA. I'm capable. I'm still in my 20s. I could get to NASA. You can get a plane. Yeah. I'm capable of flying. I got a passport.

You don't have to have enough money in your bank account at 2015 to get to the US. Yes. All right. Good. Because I haven't moved out yet. So I've still got that bond and rent. Ah, perfect. That's all we needed.

Yeah. So you don't even have to be an astronaut you don't have to be an astronaut or anything to work at NASA if that's your plan. You can just like do some of the calculations or whatever. So. Clean the ships. I could just do research beforehand so that I have the memory of what happened

so then I can just impress them with like. Yeah. Because like someone, I can pretty much, I'm just plagiarizing from the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then someone will be like,

no, I did those calculations. I'm like, well, then why do I know? How are they in my brain, idiot? You're a good friend with Jean Grey. So before you go back in time, you're like, Jean Grey. Make me clever. Make me clever and give me all the information about this particular daytime or whatever in my brain.

And she'd be like, yeah, we're getting rid of the Fantastic Four. Like, yes. Absolutely. Yeah, you know, the cucking thing didn't work. I don't know if you saw Jackson's television broadcast, but I don't know what he was trying to do there. I'm going back in time. I like to imagine her touching your forehead to give you the knowledge

and you get a big blood nose. One of your eyes gets bloodshot. Ow. I think I was like, just come. That's crazy. My body did not like that. So you arrive at NASA. Yeah, and i've got all the knowledge so who's this clever cunt come in thank you uh there i'm like all right so i believe there's a test flight today for uh the the um read richard system yep yeah yeah ben grim's

that his name yeah yeah pilot or something pressing name anyway he's like a military pilot why are we getting an astronaut i don't know but yeah we're sending him off into space Ben Grimm, is that his name? Yeah. Pilot or something. Depressing name. Anyway. He's like a military pilot. Why are we getting an astronaut? I don't know. But yeah, we're sending him off into space. All right. We should probably just delay. I've been looking at these calculations.

Yep. And these don't add up. No. Look, I'll just throw stuff at them. And then if I delay it long enough, then maybe they don't ever become the Fantastic Four. They just become very rich scientists. Yeah.

Which is fine. Yeah. I wonder if you rich scientists. Yes, which is fine. Yeah. I wonder if you could go... Because they go into space, get shot by cosmic rays. Which means that if I just change it slightly, those cosmic rays are missing. Yeah. So where do those cosmic rays go?

Who are they hitting? Me. Just right into that... Your other eye goes bloodshot and your ear bleeds. My body is not having A good day Then you get all the powers Other hand goes invisible

Leg goes stretchy Other leg hot Imagine one leg just shooting out Like a rocket stretching off Across into the distance over the horizon My last words are I did it And I just died He did what? He just got into the distance over the horizon. My last words are, I did it, and I just died.

He did what? He just got Rocky gone. What the fuck just happened? What in the name of God? Where did his leg go? What was that man's leg? And someone put out his torso. Give me a fire extinguisher. Just in NASA, just looking at a screen,

realizing, see the cause of a great mess. I'm like, and then a blue light. My body. I did it. What? What is happening? Nature finds a way or whatever. You left a void.

It's really great to imagine like the NASA scientist standing around your coffin, which is like your body and then a coiled up leg. They're like, what? What happened here? I would go down in history with the most baffling final words. Did we? Is he our important? Do we have to pay a death?

What? Is he dead? What is this? Nobody's paying attention to the rocket ship coming back with Mr. Fantastic and Crudah just crashes. Oh, yeah, that's sad, but I don't know what this is. He did it. He did what?

Was this his plan? This mystery man who arrived not a day earlier. He's very clever, but his hand is a rock. It looks like his hand's not there, but it is there. It's invisible. We can feel it. Also, he's still not out. He's still clever, but his hand is a rock. It looks like his hand's not there, but it is there. It's invisible. We can feel it. Also, he's still not out. He's still on fire.

We've got to cut this man open and find out what's going on. It's great to imagine them just with your limbs. He did what? What did he do? Well, now you've become a great science experiment. Oh, no. What if? What if, Jadea?

What if Reed Richards? Oh, he died in a fire crash. Or it's kind of like they get the animated corpse of the Fantastic Four or whatever, get them and graft your power set onto them. That's all right, because then all four of them are me. Oh, that's true. All right.

Your bashed mole man. Yeah. I got a hammer. I would love a mock-up of, you know, Fantastic Four 1, where they're fighting Mole Man? That, but they're all saying, you're Bashed Mole Man. Issue 1 of You're Bashed Mole Man. Wow, this comic book where they just beat up this underground fella repeatedly.

We managed to graft this. Remember I did it? Remember that guy? So we got his limbs and we grafted the analyzer. We had it all grafted. It was weird. It was four separate powers and we managed to graft it onto the dead bodies

of those four astronauts. So we have an astronaut with a rock arm, an astronaut with an invisible arm. But we managed to crack it. So it's all over. But they all seem to have developed the personality of that man who said, I did it. So we've sat them down and asked them perhaps maybe if there was some kind of

Oh, no, I'm getting interviews. Some kind of legacy, some muscle or memory or whatever to be like, what was it that this person did? And they just keep saying, you're Bash Cut. Yeah, they just keep saying that. I will kill you. Leave me alone. I remember being dead.

We don't know if this was a side effect of the experiments we've done or if that was just the personality of the other team. I have shared consciousness. I can rank what being each member of this team is like. Rock man, dead last. I've been to heaven and bashed God, so no one will die from now on. Okay.

He claims to have bashed God. All right, then. If you die, you go to hell. Heaven's closed. They are freaking out up there. No one's ever done it before. I did it. I did it.

I just... He's claiming everything now. A young man's intention. We just can't know if that's true. That's the worst bit. He calls it heaven. Mr. Fantastic. Well, Joel Fantastic.

Head just stretches up. So my neck's really long. My head disappears into the clouds. Then I come back down. I'm like, just checked again. Still bashed. That doesn't make sense. How did he?

That's baffling. Is there a place you can get to? Is that what he was trying to? Is that what he was saying? Did he just look at an airplane? Doesn't matter. I did it. Well, I feel like you had the greatest effect on the Fantastic Four.

I killed all four members and then became them. Yeah. I guess you won. And also, sometimes Doctor Doom is on that plane. That's true. So I solved that problem too. And you killed a leader of a sovereign nation. Yeah.

That's neat. I guess you did it. I guess you took down the Fantastic neat. I guess you did it. I guess you took down the Fantastic Four. I guess you did it. I did it. Yeah, I suppose you did do it. Peace.

I did it. I am not a crook. I am not a crook. I did it. Richard Nixon is innocent. Thanks for coming on the show. Tricky douche. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

I've also been Joel. And we've all been various levels of successful. And that's the one takeaway here. Friendship and teamwork. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsADab. And I'm at

GodDammitZam zamit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses