Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Take Down the Rebel Alliance?

Episode Date: November 4, 2018

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San Spence Radio, Australia's most hated podcast network. Don't despair. Watch this space. Melbourne is also nearly sold out, so be quick so you don't end up a ticketless loser. Just head to sanspansradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets now. And I'm sorry Brisbaneians for calling you Brisbaneians. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, how would you take down the Rebel Alliance. How would I take down the Rebel Alliance? Yes, you, Jackson Bailey. Whoa.

Get a big task. Can I interject instead, Joel Zandman's let's give them jobs approach They have jobs Okay how about this Let's give them jobs What do you mean they have jobs Their jobs are being rebels I'm assuming Is it benefits for dental

I'm assuming they get They've got back to tank privileges Yeah I'm assuming There's so many of them. They're bound to, certainly in A New Hope, they're like quite a force. What are they rebelling against? What's so bad about the Empire?

It's mostly because the Empire is going planet to planet, making enslaving populations, being like, hey, can you do all this shitty mining jobs and all these kind of crappy jobs. It's hard labor, yeah? Yeah.

They occasionally blow up planets and commit genocides. Apart from the genocide and blowing up planets. They've been known to blow up the planet or two. Look, that was an unfortunate accident. All right. I'm very sorry it happened. Tell us how it sounds like he's part of the empire. So how about this? What we do, right, is these terrible jobs that no one likes doing.

Yeah. Okay, and we understand that. Yeah. How about instead a lot of droids? Don't you remember what happened last time? What happened last time? There was the droid wars, whatever the fucking prequels were about. The clone wars.

Yeah, well well they were weird clones v droids people out there colloquially must call them the droid wars too that's weird that's like calling world war ii either the axis war or the ally you know what i mean yeah world war one yeah that's weird it's the droid war and the clone war Unless you look at the fact that droids I guess are kind of clones as well Maybe That's a weird distinction for people to be making The clone war

Don't you mean the droid war? No, no, because droids are clones The droids are the bad blokes, yeah? Yes, I guess Well, no, because in the prequels it turns out they're both bad blokes Yeah, I know, but for the general public It looks like the clones are the good people, yeah? Well, no, because in the prequels it turns out they're both bad blokes. Yeah, I know, but for the general public, it looks like the clones of the good people, yeah?

Because generally... It really depends. Fuck the stupid movies. No, because the Separatists, they had the droids. Yeah. And the Separatists were the bad blokes in the eyes of everyone else. Were they just the bad blokes in the eyes of the Jedi Council, though?

And Coruscant and naboo because like they put in like a trade that's true arcade so classic fuck riveting stuff so yeah i guess they were the bad guys sure it actually turned out to be a bluff and we know that but like does the general you guys seen the star wars that's fucked but the general public know that well i don't at some point the general public would have had to realise yeah but not straight away it would be

pretty much what happened was this is the equivalent of 10 years later a newspaper being like ah 9-11 was an inside job yeah yeah like cause or would it be the kind of thing that's just on the fucking the Star Wars message boards across the galaxy yeah yeah like because or would it be the kind of thing that's just on the fucking the the star wars message boards across the galaxy of people being like i reckon it was an inside job like

would they find out or would there just be conspiracy theories regarding it no because the empire unless you see the empire as good guys then you know you have to have known what happened well at the end of revenge of the s, if you're like Joe Q. Lightsaber, average citizen of the galaxy. Yeah, of the Star War. Yeah, of the Star War. And you're like, this old fuck has come on with a melty face being like,

oh, fucking Jedi, look what they did. They're the pieces of shit. We're having a new galactic empire. You're like, yeah, all right. Okay. Fuck them. They made his face all melty. That is all I would know.

I'm not a political person, so I would not be. I'd turn on my fucking holo cube and there'd be the emperor with a weird face. Like, what happened? Yeah. What the fuck? What about the things that are just objectively bad, like they blew up a planet. Yeah, but we're not there quite yet.

Yeah, this is prequel time. They've yet to blow up a planet. So this is, yeah, that's what I'm saying. At first, to the droids are the bad guys, and you're like, yeah, the clones, they won. But then after a bit, you're like, wait a second. Yeah, because again, when Melty Face comes on TV, my person that I voted in, or at least democratically voted in to sit in that galactic senate or whatever, he also, or she also, voted for old Melty Face to rule the galaxy. So I'm like, well, I got my best interest at heart, yeah? I guess so.

Because they dissolved a democracy and became an empire, right? Yeah. I just don't know if I'll ever get behind dissolving a democracy. What situation is a leader like, you're going to fuck it up? But didn't they sell it like the Jedi were corrupt? Does anyone remember any Star Wars movie? Has anyone seen Revenge of the Sith? Ever?

Ever? Did everyone just kind of watch it and then just glaze over because i can't remember i certainly remember what the senate looks like i remember there was a good chair throw and fight which was sick yeah i remember whenever i saw like anything there i'm like what if someone falls off there's so many like is his point that like a council is corruptible where one man is not? So put me in charge? That seems insane. That seems like an insane idea.

But also, the Force. He could be using Jedi mind trick on everyone in that room. That's a big Jedi mind trick. He's a big bad man. No, because if he was using Jedi mind trick, he wouldn't have gone through all the subtle machinations behind the scenes that he did to try and convince everybody. Yeah, convince everybody.

He'd just be like, I'm in power now. I'm like, oh, sick. Okay, hooray for him, everyone. Puppety. Just a quick side note on how much people actually remember Revenge of the Sith. Yeah. When I typed in Revenge of the in Google, nerds came up first. Wow, there you go.

Yeah. Maybe it's just that so many people on the Senate or the council or whatever just don't care. Like, if you're the fucking, think about the ETs who are there. What do they give a fuck about? Yeah, because old mate Natalie, she was being like, thus democracy ends, not with a big boom, but a whisper or something. I feel like she didn't say that. I don't know for sure. I don't know, Jack.

I feel like that quote maybe just very possibly belongs to someone else. I know she said something under her breath. But maybe that's why they don't want to get droids is my point. My point being is, so, the Empire are like, there was this war, clones were on our side, droids are pieces of shit, so let's build more droids and enslave the fuckers. And they can do the shit jobs that you don't want to do. Let's basically have, you know, because again, you've got to create an us versus them mentality. And so instead of being like Rebel and the Empire,

let's make humans and robots, flesh and blood, oil and parts. Let's make this divide. Let's make segregation a thing against droids. So what were the the robots doing before that why were we not putting them in mines why were we not enslaving the droids why were we just keeping around like the protocol droids and the gonk droids and shit i mean like they clean the death star and Cloud City, clearly. Yeah.

Because they're always floating around. But why are they not- Why would you need human labor at all? Is it because we went weird and gave them personalities for some reason? Maybe. I don't understand. It does feel weird that if you're, say, a mine owner, and you have to get the delicious ore and that other thing from that Han Solo film that I can't quite remember what they were trying to get, but it was blue.

Who knows? Blue milk, probably. Blue earth milk. Delicious cave juice. Yeah. It just kind of- because they enslave a bunch of people, then they enslave a bunch of Wookiees, and they enslave a bunch of life beings. But they also enslave droids? Surely as a person who owns and runs a mine,

I'd be like, just choose the one that objectively has no feelings. Even if you are a bad bloke, even if you have zero empathy, even if you're like, fucking, I don't give a shit, people can die as long as I make money. Just like an iota of a moral compass.

Just an iota. Not even that. You can replace parts for a droid. You can't replace parts for a human. Well, you do with droid parts. Well, yeah, exactly. I don't know if that's something only reserved for the filthy rich, but but even if you have complete like you know very much corruptible you don't give a shit about people you're gonna be like it was just a arse ache yeah what if i kill the wrong guy and i accidentally create a you know galactic batman yeah absolutely i mean like i've killed some

parents and now i've got some slave owner's kid being like he killed my baby like ah fuck off a rock falls on a droid yeah whatever rock falls on a guyid. Yeah. Whatever. Rock falls on a guy. Dead. Exactly. And plus, humans seem to kind of like each other and want to kind of congregate and have an uprising and rebel. And yes, that does happen in Solo, a Star Wars film.

There's a droid rebellion. Yeah. That's my two cents. I'm back. I got very lost reading about just trying to catch up on what happened to revenge of the seas turns out fucking nightmare nonsense that's a shame yeah so before we go into that yeah no no we can stay on this like i want to go my mining point no no that's what i mean like stay on this stay on this as in like what you're saying not

stay on this as in like what is currently occupying my entire brain. So before we go into that, so again, as an operator of a mine, surely it is easier to just have a bunch of droids because you can also build and design them. Yeah. Because if you're like sick, you big droid, you're going to lift that rock and that's going to be sick. Whereas I got to get 10 dudes and they're all going to be weak as shit. What if I got like, say, 10 shmees?

Yeah. 10 shmees ain't going to be able to lift up a big rock. My favorite thing about this is how little we understand mining, clearly. Also- Lifting rocks. Yeah, rocks falling. Yeah. That's mining.

Counterpoint, though. Droids cost money. So if you're starting a business, obviously- I guess you've got to buy droids, yeah. Yeah, I get, like, initially sure you're going to have to rely on a lot of slave labour of the people. But after a while, surely it's gonna be, just on your bottom dollar alone, to be more economical to just get a bunch of droids. Well, there's a lot of people, though. It's a big galaxy, you know?

Yeah. It's also weird to just get people. Are humans the number one most populous race in Star Wars? I think it depends I'd be going for like rock people and rank whores and shit Fuck yeah, get me some of them fucking worm boys Well, yeah They look tough

So okay, fair enough, droids are hard to build But what if we just started, look, we started just paying them a bit better Yeah People? Yeah Yeah, same problem Droids are hard to build. But what if we just started, look, we started just paying them a bit better. Yeah. People? Yeah. Yeah. Same problem. So, you know, no longer, like, yeah, but you give them enough to live by.

Yeah. Unionize. Make a union. Oh, yeah, make a union. Yeah, that sounds awfully kind of like some people that I'm aware of. The last people that I know of that started a union Mon Mothma, Bail Organa Union of people Kind of a group of people coming together

Having the same mission Against A big bunch of allies The big sort of Well I guess you could call them an empire People in opposition of the empire Yeah So you're taking the rebellion down by starting another rebellion.

I just like Dammit's posit, like at the beginning, fucking the Empire with a big loudspeaker being like, we'll give you a job if you don't shoot. What? Do you want a job?

That's not what this is about. What do the fucking rebels want? To take down the Empire. They're rebels. The rebellion started when Palpatine, and this is part. What do the fucking rebels want? To take down the Empire. They're rebels. The rebellion started when Palpatine, and this is part of the stuff that I just remembered. Fill us in from the knife-made journey you

just went down. So, and I'm going to get this wrong even though I literally just read it because the plot synopsis of Revenge of the Sith only briefly touches on it. I have to go into like, look, it was a journey. I read a lot very quickly i'm you can see you can see it in my eyes i'm a changed man i can see your eyes widening into dinner plates while you were reading cooked on star wars knowledge so basically uh during

so chancellor palpatine when he was elected yep that was all well and good and then there was a counselor yeah counselors are only meant to serve for a certain amount of time but due to the Chancellor Palpatine, when he was elected. Yep. That was all well and good. And then there was a war time. Yeah, councillors are only meant to serve for a certain amount of time, but due to the separatist war, he was kept on longer. Because he was given certain powers or something like that. And then they kept giving him more and more emergency power, basically, to the point where he had a lot. Okay.

And the Senate was meeting less and less. Then he could frame the fact that he had a lot okay and the senate was meeting less and less then he could frame like the fact that he had a clone army and he was the one stopping the separatist basically so did palpatine have a personal clone army was he the one that was like i did it no i think he was like i i think he was it sounds like that he frayed like because the jedi ordered the clones but i think that might have been palpatine's plan was just like, no, but it's good. I remember there was an old Jedi, like, there was an order for clones under a Jedi name that would have been real cool if it was actually revealed to have been, like, Palpatine or someone else. But actually in the extended universe, it was like, nah, it was this cunt with that name. It was just that bloke.

He just loved clones. Loved them. Anywho, yeah uh so then that happens and then the senate meet again after the assassination attempt and he's like the jedi can't be trusted they have too much power in the senate so the only way to stop this power is to give all the power to me and stop the senate business and this will be a time of peace i'll form an empire and we'll crush the separatists and then everyone goes apeshit and that's where padme okay so he was basically like there's some real bad blokes

out there you know what who's what journey his kind of parallels yeah yeah a certain uh german yeah man chap yeah oh yeah like like a man that maybe fought in a war, and then everyone was like, this guy's no good. And he's like, no, no, no, I'm good. I'm real good. In fact, here's some ideas I got. Oh, that worked?

Yeah, give me more power. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Too powerful. Yeah. What if we start a thousand year Reich? Yeah. And everyone was like, woo! And Padme was like, oh, probably not this.

But yeah. So he actually dies in a whimper or something. Yeah. Which is like, so this is how things. except Padme was like oh probably not this um but yeah she dies in a whimper or something which is like so this is how things die so the thunderous applause

that's the one see I was close well sort of said the opposite but that's fine um and then

the apparently and this is EU shit and that's why I got too much knowledge too quickly I almost got a nosebleed. You kind of had, like, End of Indiana Jones 4.

Indiana Jones 4? Yeah. Went to a parallel universe. You looked at the fucking alien and then, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, head is ash. That's what happens. That's actually, it's so scary that people are so into Star Wars because if you read too much about the EU,

that can actually happen. Whoop, whoop, whoop, boop, boop, head is ash. That's what the doctors and... The doctors, that's what the coroner will say. That's what I got. You know what was in the Ark of the Covenant? Yeah. Wikipedia.

It's true. Oh, no, it's your brain. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, head is ash. Look, it's all there, the clues. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. That night, Jedi. 1930s. That's what they clues. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. That night, Jedi. 1930s. That's what they mean by a long time ago.

He was just there projecting the arc. He was like, it's too much knowledge. You don't need it. Stop it. Hitler's not going to love this. No one's going to love this. Hitler doesn't care. That chalice, Yoda's cup.

Yep. Every Indiana Jones artifact is somehow related to star wars and it being bad news um so yeah the original rebellion like mon mothma and uh bail organa yeah were the first people during the clone war to start being like chancellor palpatine don't trust him let's start blocking some of his decisions, which then led to the Rebel Alliance. Okay. That Han Solo funded. Oh.

Yeah, twist. I will never see Solo a Star Wars film. That's my promise to you. A wise decision. Okay. Thanks for listening, true believers. I take a vow. So giving them jobs.

Not working. Just sort of not what they want at all. Well, I'm trying to think of how do we, because again, the rebels only really work when they've got like grassroots support from the populace. Yeah. So how do we get the populace back on our side of the glorious empire?

Blowing up Alderaan's a bad move. Look, that was one rogue element. We're going to put that all on Tarkin. All right. And we're going to scapegoat him good and proper. We're going to be like, Tarkin a bad bloke. He's the one that did it. Let's all publicly crucify him.

Okay. No, I've got a good idea. Throw him under the bus. And this is my plan to stop the Rebel Alliance. All right. Trick them into winning by publicly executing Darth Vader. Ha ha! Now that I'm into.

Because scapegoat idea. Yeah. The Rebels, like Palpatine, obviously Darth Sidious is like the head of the Empire. But Darth Vader is like the face. Yeah. And he's the one doing all of the bad stuff. Tarkin, yeah, sure. He's also bad.

And people don't really trust Vader. They think he's just a face. But yeah, like, imagine if Palpatine was like, oh my god, he's gone out of control and then beheaded him. How about this? I like this idea. What do you do? No one's seen Vader under the mask. Vader is just a suit.

Oh. Get like a lackey. Maybe we get one of the Rebel Alliance. Maybe we get one of the Rebel Alliance. Maybe we get one of the Rebel Alliance, dress him up like Vader. Maybe we parade him on stage. Rip him off and see. It's an insider conspiracy. It's Han Solo! It's Han Solo! We got him!

And then we behead Han Solo or whoever in a Vader suit and we give Vader a new touch of paint. Make him, I don't know, a hot red. And be like, look, it's not Vader, it's someone else. He's Terry Radman. I just want to... It's you, Vader.

Everyone hold on to your skulls, because this is more information from the EU. There's a legend story where Vader doesn't die in Return of the Jedi. And he turns good. And then he's exactly the same, but painted white. Oh, that's so weird. Also, it's so hard to clean.

It's not much dirt and space, I guess. What? Oh, I forget what... That's the dumbest. Something triggers the change, but I can't remember what it was. Lightning. Lightning will tell you. Oh, Han Solo staying blind.

What? Sorry. I don't actually want to know more Just letting you know I have reached my knowledge And if you keep talking Wop wop wop wop C3P also dies in this situation

Well that's good Jack is Ash So can you What So the Jarvis Palace thing doesn't go Alright so this is like a Justice League, the nail-stitch kind of thing. It's like a Legends story, not like a-

Yeah, yeah. It's fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An alternate route. It's a what-if, but a Star Wars what-if. Yeah, that's cool. And yeah, Han Solo and Carbonite, the rescue mission goes wrong

and results in him being shot at heaps while he's in Carbonite, which then results in him staying blind. Like they rescue him, but he doesn't get unmelted. He's got two laser holes where his eyes would be. Someone blasted him in the eyeballs. No, they're just like, oh, he was Carbonite for too long. But C-3PO gets blown up on the barge because the barge just explodes. Good. So no one mourns him.

Yeah. Rightfully so. Then rather than go- Luke then misses Yoda dying, but then Yoda and Obi-Wan have ghost chats. Yeah. And then Luke rocks up later, I think. Uh-huh.

Ah! Leia is never on Endor, so the Ewoks fight for the empire all right that's great because it implies that ewoks were like whoever comes to us first well they were gonna eat everyone until c-3po and leia remember because they thought c-3po was a god and leia was nice yeah to them but that implies that in this one the Empire did the same thing and they were like done sure

who was their god then? I think it was more that they were just like fighting yeah it doesn't make sense because I think they're just trying to lean into the fact of like oh an invading force I must fight them but the Empire are also invading yeah like no one's not invading in that situation and then the Death Star fight goes differently

and Leia's also there. All right. Ah, yeah, the rebel troops to blow up the shield generator to a suicide bomb. What the fuck? I don't know how Han Solo being blind is the one thing that changed all of this. Yeah, it doesn't really seem like it is.

It's the death of C-3PO. Yeah, look, he's very integral to the Ewoks. Yeah, it doesn't really seem like it is. It's the death of C-3PO. Yeah, look, he's very integral to the Ewoks. I like your idea of killing Vader, though, because it's kind of like saying, hey, because everybody in those movies is like, well, what a dated and old and garbage religion

the Force was. So you kill Vader, it's kind of like you're saying to the populace, you're like, the to the the populace you're like let's believe in science and reason yeah not this goofball wackadoo fucking see in my head though we're beheading vader with a lightsaber so maybe let's not do that but i still think you could blop blop two blaster blaster bolts to the brain yeah again i still think you just dress someone up like vader you don't actually have to kill Vader.

That can go too... And what if it gets out? Yeah. What if everything... Look, good. The Star Wars universe, if anything got out, anything would be fucked. But they don't know about nothing.

You gotta go all in or not in at all. Behead DV. I think I like that you're doing it with a lightsaber. The people being like... Okay. I think I like the idea of you doing it with a lightsaber and the people being like oh okay well fuck if it doesn't matter behead them with a lightsaber and lose everyone and then hold the lightsaber up and snap it in half

that's great because I imagine you holding the blade don't worry everyone my fingers I don't know what this press conference is Who watched a man die And then another man cut off his own hand This is crazy Living in a Star Wars weird

Could we frame the rebel alliance? Nah, because then we're not disbanding the rebels Because they're trying to disprove All I'm doing is Trying to turn the populace against The rebels No, because then that's not disbanding Because you're destroying them from within prove like yeah yeah all i'm doing is like just trying to turn the populace against the rebels no because then that's not disband because that the populace is you're destroying them from within yeah but the rebels are already probably hated by a lot of the population i mean they got i know i'd

hate them yeah they got older on blown up yeah i'd be like those fucking rebels leave the empire alone the empire is nice no except for the slavery and shit happening away. But I don't know about that. Does the general populace know that the Death Star blew up Alderaan? What do we think just happened? Yeah, what if planets just did that? But could we kind of frame that as a way to be like, nah, because I want to know their power. Because you've got to go like, oh, the rebels were trying to make a super weapon

against the glorious Empire and they. Destroyed Alderaan. By the time that I knew hope happens, I think it's going to be kind of hard to argue that the Empire have what is best for me. Yeah. In their hearts. Because, yeah, they've made a super weapon called the Death Star. Yeah, look. What if the Grand Moff publicly executes both Vader and Palpatine? What if the Grand Moff publicly executes both Vader and Palpatine?

But if Palpatine dies for the cause, Palpatine is like, the Empire will carry on, publicly execute any Jedi. Huh? Any Force user? Huh? Publicly execute.

No, because that's too... Because we're not... That's why the Empire started, by the hatred of Jedis. That's true I just want to be like oh my god we've done an internal review Darth Vader's awful Yeah He's done

Because no one knows the Emperor is He's a bad bloke No Force, he's a boy They know he's a bad bloke Nah he's just been disfigured Don't judge him by his beautiful outer cover He sits on a throne That's a bad bloke. They know he's a bad bloke. Nah, he's just been disfigured. Yeah. Don't judge him by his beautiful outer cover. He sits on a throne. That's a bit much.

Yeah. He calls himself the Emperor. Yeah, that's a bit... It's like, I guess he did say, I'll start an empire. Yeah, but like... The new galactic empire. Yeah, at the moment he's like... He doesn't call himself Emperor Palpatine.

Yeah. He's like the Emperor. Yeah, that's true. That's a bit much. That's a bit rich. Yeah. Come on now. Yeah.

It'd be like if I became a prince but then was just like, you call me the prince, not Prince Joe. But there's so many other princes out there. Yeah, but I'm the prince. Emperor Palpatine I. Yeah, but you still don't call him the emperor. That's such a weird thing. If you lived in, like, say,

I guess he's the emperor of space. You know, if you lived in, back in the day where you had, like, you you had emperors, whatever, you'd refer to them as the emperor. I guess I keep thinking that there are other emperors in Star Wars, but there's no one glorious. He's the king emperor in that situation. Anyway, shush.

Here's a word from our sponsors. Maybe. Also, did you know I do a podcast with my family called Bailey Family Circus where we answer you, the listener, John and Jane Q listeners' questions about life, the universe, and everything in between. You can find it at sandspantsradio.com and also wherever else you normally find podcasts. Yeah.

I like that Jabba the Hutt does what the Empire couldn't do for a bit, which was almost kill all of the heroes. Yeah, that's true. Not just Jabba the Hutt. He's just a slug boy yeah he doesn't even move he stays in the one place he can't move he kind of lets them take care of themselves it's very funny that there was no point where the empire were like are we frozen hence all on carbonite we fucking got it and then they weren't like well let's let's smash him like

well i think the thing is that the only issue with all of that is that the Empire doesn't want to kill Luke Skywalker yet. They want him on side. They could kill Solo, though. Imagine they pull him out of the Carbonite and then someone's there with a big sledgehammer. Actually, and if they learn from their prequels, they know that that's a great motivator because killing Padme gets Anakin to become Darth Vader. Well, he's already Darth Vader. It gets him to become hot, melty Vader. While, like,

we were dipping Han Solo, if I was there, I'd be like, do you want to just do Leia, like, while we're here? Let's dip everyone. Carbonite's the way to go. The way of the future. Dip everybody in Carbonite. Oh, no, but the reason he gets dipped in Carbonite is for Jabba the Hutt not for the Empire That's true

That's a shame Well how I take out the Rebel Alliance I was thinking about this It's going to be hard to top beheading Darth Vader Yeah but what is the big yeti that Luke fights? A womper? Yeah just heaps of wompers Put them on the Hoth base

No no no, no. No, no, hang on. I'm changing it. I mean, like, Wompas is good, but- They also- There is heaps of Wompas there. Yeah. But Wompas that I've trained-

You want, like, ten times the amount. What I was thinking is in Star Wars 2, whatever, there's that scene where there's the little, like, scout droid. Yeah. The little globe boy. Probe droids. Probe droid probing around Hark. And that's enough to make Luke go by himself.

We have a guy there with a blaster, kills Luke. Another probe droid. Someone else comes to investigate that. Kill them with a blaster. Another probe droid. And we just pick them off one by one with probe droids and wampas done deal but that literally happens to luke and he survives that's only because han solo doesn't come for another probe droid han solo is going to come see another probe droid and be like what's

that probe droid doing shoot him with a blaster oh. Oh, we just have a womper there. This is how you're killing Luke, though. Yeah, well, that's the start. No, he's saying just keep doing it because if it works for Luke, then the next... If it works once, it's going to work again and again and again. Oh, we have the... Okay, what about this? A little caveat.

Every probe droid is secretly a bomb. So Luke's like, what's this probe droid? Another probe droid. Han Solo's like,ke's like what's this probe droid another probe droid hansel is like oh luke was in this direction oh he must have seen this probe droid you're about the probe droid but you can and i can and i can but you're not destroying the rebels you're just destroying random people that come across a probe droid yeah but slowly over time you're destroying powerful rebels and every level every rebel in that Hoth base Over time will go to investigate The probe droids and get blown up

Until the crater is bigger And bigger and bigger And the corpses are strewn around Like goddamn full-blown droids What about the people that aren't on Hoth? Yeah, and also droids are expensive I'm the Empire, I got money to burn, baby So suddenly we couldn't hire a bunch of droids But now we can just We were not hiring a bunch of droids are expensive. Also... I'm the Empire. I got money to burn, baby. So suddenly we couldn't hire a bunch of droids, but now we can just...

We were not hiring a bunch of droids for... You were a mine owner. You weren't the Empire. And you're like, hey, rebels, stop rebelling. Come have a mine. Would you like to, instead of rebelling, work in a mine? Hell yeah. I wasn't saying stop rebelling, work in a mine.

I was being like, who are the rebels fighting for? Who are they getting their support from? Probably slaves and mine workers. I imagine it's wealthy eccentrics. No, wealthy eccentrics don't give a shit about the fight, as we saw on Cato Blight. Oh, deep cut for a movie you haven't seen. I'll just take your word for it. You've seen

The Last Jedi? I don't remember it. I'll give you that much. I forgot that Jackson had seen The Last Jedi, so I guess I had two dumb thoughts. But yeah, the wealthy elite don't give a shit. No, not the wealthy elite. Wealthy eccentrics who are like

Egbert, who's like a little butler that is a little egg alien, send my money to the rebels and run my bath full of blue milk. So you're pretty much imagining a Hunger Games situation. Yeah. In fact, it's not a Hunger Games situation. You're literally just imagining Hunger Games with the sponsors. I just imagine eccentric billionaires giving their money to the rebel ally. Similar to how the Capitol.

No, but the Capitol doesn't give their money to the Hunger Games. That's true. That's not how it works. They send them items to help them, though. Yeah, but they don't fund it. Could you perhaps have like a smear campaign against the rebels? Yeah. I think the Empire do.

If you're a rebel, we'll fucking kill you. No, no, no. That's a threat. I mean, like, rebels, bad blokes, they did this. Rebels, bad breath. Yeah. Rebels, stinky. Yeah.

Well, what about we just use that big laser beam We used on Alderaan and all the rebel planets They try and do that What goes wrong The Death Star gets blown up We'll just have it further away Problem solved Or what about this for a fucking idea no one thought of What if we disguise

Yeah I know they disguised it to look like a moon Not well What if we just use our Yeah, I know they disguised it to look like a moon. Not well. What if we just use our fucking Star Wars technology to grow grass and rivers and trees on it? Just looks like any other planet. Then, bazaar. That floats around a bit. Bazaar.

Yeah, guys, do you remember that moon full of grass and rivers in the sky? Yeah. We'll fucking, when Han Solo and the fucking Funky Bunch arrive, they're like, that's a weird moon. They're not like, well, wasn't there not a moon there before? They just cop it. So you're saying make Starkiller Base. No, but Starkiller Base, again, is poorly disguised.

But it is a planet. Yeah, there's no way I'm looking for. There was trees and there was snow. I'm not like, oh, put a tree on it. I'm like, disguise it as a it I'm like disguise it as a planet It was a planet It wasn't even disguise a planet It was a planet

Not that well Yes it was until it opened to shoot I don't think that's true That is 100% no one knew what the fuck it was Didn't it have fucking shit on it From the outside I don't think that's true. I remember like a laser pier.

I guess The Force Awakens also a film Jackson does not remember quite well. Well, Jackson doesn't remember any of the first Star Wars by the sounds of things. Why didn't they just blow up the planet? They did. Oh, fuck. What if we do like some sort of smear campaign to kind of imagine that it's sort of all those conspiracy theories that people are throwing at the Empire.

It's actually the rebels' fault. Well, actually, be honest. Hate us? Rebels are actually my son. I'm Darth Vader. That's not the worst idea. I reckon just full disclosure. Yes, I am Darth Vader.

Yes, I'm a Sith. But fuck, am I powerful. Bazaar. Full disclosure is a great way to deal with this. Dear Rebel Alliance, your two heads of in-charge people, the two new hopes you have, Luke Skywalker and Leiaia first of all brother and sister stop them smooching yeah second of all they're my kids yeah what about just that maybe you should behead them uh uh i think i'm vaguely remembering something i had a peek in that um arc and my i got like half an ash

face but i'm vaguely remembering the reason why Leia can't do well in politics is because I'm like, are you the daughter of Darth Vader? I was like, no, already? No, no, no. Between Revenge of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. Classic films. Classic movies that I've apparently seen, according to everyone. When the Jedi awakens in Revenge of the Empire.

Yeah, classic movies. That's what I was just going to turn into, like, honking noises for a second. There's too many Star Wars movies. It's hard to remember it all. It's hard to remember any of them, to be honest with you. Every single one is a big old honk. Hey, Jackson, how does Darth Vader die? I knew you were going to forget that.

I just have this memory of him getting very sick. He got it. The cold. The common flu. He gets the flu. It's the war of the worlds ending. Bacteria gummed up his respirator. Bloke, I'm very sick.

But I'm a good bloke now. Have my helmet. My face is gross. Goodbye. It was weird because he was actually dying of stage four cancer. And it just so happened that at the same time... That's when it came from. He got electrocuted.

But that was more of a coincidence. He was just... The cancer got him. It was just a little bit singed at the same time. That's when it came from. He got electrocuted, but that was more of a coincidence. He was just, the cancer got him. It was just a little bit singed at the end. Yeah. Yeah. See, tragic. He just got ill. How does the Emperor die? Is he cut in half down the middle? Wait, horizontally

or vertically? Vertically. No, I don't think anyone's died being cut vertically in a Star Wars. I know Darth Maul gets cut in half and his legs and head fall down a hole. And there's a great moment where it looks almost like he's shocked to see his legs as they fall. Does he hit his head? Oh my God. Doesn't he hit his head on the side at one point?

I think he may be getting that confused with Titanic. Maybe. No, maybe he does. The fall fall through the into the um what are they called turbines reactor yeah whatever big shafts yeah where is that what is that like sorry yeah in naboo it's a reactor on naboo where why what is this nuclear power plant why is why is no staff there? There's never staff in Star Wars. There's droids.

Your mates. Yeah. They took our jobs. New plan. Destroy droids. You're just starting a prequel thing. Give us our job backs. Yeah, give us our job backs.

Yeah, well, what about this? As the Empire, we're like... He gets thrown in a pit, by the way. Who does? The Emperor. What? I promise. Darth Vader throws him into a pit.

Not a pit. It's, again, another big cylinder in a spaceship. A reactacle. I don't know if that's true. Yeah. Vader picks him up. That's when you get shocked with electricity. Like a baggy bit?

No, above his head. By his head A sweet wrestling move Picks him up and hurls him Like Donkey Kong with a barrel That's how the Emperor dies Yeah that's very gorilla like I don't remember that at all

Yeah look there's a lot of films Still it's unclear if I've seen any Star Wars movies So at this point What about if we as the empire are just like luke and leia are brother and sister and they've fucked see what happens there to the rebels yeah your two beacons of hope are incestuous lovers and then we just back away and we let them destroy themselves from the inside how did i remember this plot in game of thrones yeah maybe in the book someone tried to do this to be like...

How'd it go? I don't think well. I think the general public kind of... Oh, it ended. That's why the books haven't been made. That was the end. Oh, I see. It worked.

Well, you can have the throne. They're like, oh, that's fucked. I think there was a lot of people under breath being like, you're a brother fucker. But I don't know how well it went for them in power. I guess Luke and Leia can just be like, no, they're wrong. And the rebels are going to be like, yeah. Nah, because we saw you kiss.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm thinking. Han fucks them there. He's like, I believe that. I've always thought that. It's not okay. Look, I think once that rumor is out there, it's going to be hard to squash. And that's really good. It's a good smear campaign.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm a big fan of this. No one wants to back incest. Yeah. What's the biggest alien in Star Wars that we can just drop on bases out of planes? The Rathgar? Yeah, there's also that worm thing that's on the

asteroid in Empire Strikes Back. Oh, yeah. I was thinking, how are you going to drop that on? Like, the Rathgar, yougar, old mate was transporting them, so you could drop them around. The Wrathgar, the... Force Awakens. Yeah. The one that looks like it from Star Trek.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just drop heaps of them on them. There's not enough dropping problematic things. The problem there, though, Jack, is you're not just destroying the rebels. You're just wholesale murdering anybody. Yeah, but the rebels will get mopped up. But you don't know that.

I can take an educated guess. You're also making the mistake that... Well, actually, it's a mistake neither me or Xamarin have made because we're clever. Yeah. It's a rebellion. It's not like there's a hundred people you have to kill. And once you kill that 100, you win. Yeah.

You need to crush their spirit somehow. Yeah. You're on the right path with their brother and sister and they're fucked. Because no one can really get behind that. Because again, you don't want to make martyrs out of them. The more you kill, the more they're going to have people to rally behind. Because if you were like... You're Alderaan-ing this again, but on a smaller scale.

Yeah. Because Alderaan, destroying Alderaan, it's like, oh, we can now use it as a thing to be like, look what they did. Build two Alderaans. All right. Go on. Well, if destroying one Alderaan made the rebels, you know, more powerful, then building two Alderaans surely makes us seem like better blocks. Leia, now you've got two worlds to rule. That's a lot of work for you

Layer isn't it Too much work Take stress leave Leave the rebellion I like this plan though When I combined this plan with the plan you had earlier Blow up Alderaan Like how it all happens

Disguise the Death Star as new Alderaan Hey Stealth Alderaan We're taking Alderaan into space as we'll call it older on well we won't give it a name that gives away its nature that's clever that's good i like to imagine inviting like leia sees it blown up and she's like what did you do to older you're like what are you talking about you're on older because howan. Well... Because how big is... Alright, so how big is the second Death Star in

comparison to Alderaan? Probably nowhere near as big. Alderaan was a planet. Yeah, I know, but... What we could do is like... The second Death Star I think is like 1.5 or 2.5 times the size of the first one. Also, don't put people on it when it's not finished. That's silly. Why is the Emperor on a first one. Also, don't put people on it when it's not finished. That's silly.

Why is the Emperor on a half-built spaceship? Why does Darth Vader himself go out to fight the rebels at the end of A New Hope? He's like number two dude. Just let other people take care of him. No, no, no, Grand Moff Tarkin is number two dude. He's number what? 0.5 dude? Three dude?

Nah, he's more like a side guy. Yeah. He's like the Emperor's watchdog. Still, he's more like a side guy yeah he's like the emperor's like uh watchdog still his precious cargo oh yeah yeah i mean but also like you could use the force so presumably nothing bad would happen to him but then han solo shoots him a bit yes something bad then he fucks off into space for a bit be like no yeah trouble for all of them people like like just think about Darth Vader's reaction when he's like spinning off into space

it's very good does he also scream no? he should splice that back in alright well Cal I like this idea of what we could do right blow up Aldrin

yeah and then somehow we like make a fake Aldrin yeah like as a big old death star everyone's like wasn't Aldrin bigger? we're like no this is Aldrin and so then when the rebels like oh they fake Aldrin as a big old Death Star. Everyone's like, was Aldrin bigger? We're like, no, this is Aldrin.

And so then when the rebels are like, oh, they destroyed Aldrin, they're going to look like fucking crazy incest bro and sis. Absolutely. Look, they're so crazy. They think Aldrin just was destroyed. And they fuck each other and their siblings. All that incest has made them stupid. Look at them.

Look at them with their incest brain. They've got no idea. Ah. What do we do about the fact that every Alderaanese person is dead? Hologram them. Okay. The holograms in Star Wars don't look great. That's true.

They've got a big blue hinge. How about this? Everyone has a personalized letter from their good friends from Alderaan being like, Instagram's install was don't look great. That's true. They've got a big blue hinge. How about this? Everyone has a personalized letter from their good friends from older and being like, hi. I am sick. I am sick. Or we are going away. I am sick. You have to cross one out.

I am sick. I am going away. I like they just leave both. I am sick or I am going away. Which one? What? All right, all right. This is a letter telling you not to contact me

nor to come to Holderun. Don't come to Holderun. Is this better or worse? Could you then sell it, right? So it's like, Holderun hasn't been destroyed, even though it has, Holderun hasn't been destroyed

and the people are alive, even though they're not, but they are alive, but we're enslaving them at some kind of mining camp. Well, yeah. I was on board until you we're enslaving them at some kind of mining camp. Well, yeah. I was on board until you threw around enslaving. And we're punishing them for rising up against a glorious empire.

Well, everybody seems not okay with, but, like, they cop the fact that the empire is enslaving people anyway. So people are just like, whatever, it's just more trouble. Is there, like, a Star Wars equivalent of, like, the wall in Game of Thrones? I don't think so. We could just be like be like yeah they're on the outer rim they all went to the outer rim oh yeah probably friend of me from older and we are at the outer rim i am sick or at the outer room don't follow kiss kiss hug i have gone to tattooing to visit my sand mom why didn't they just build all their shit on the Outer Rim?

Seems like nobody's ever there. The place is deserted as. I think the thing with the Outer Rim is that they also hate the Empire, so the Outer Rim is also just like a bad rebellion. The Outer Rim don't really hate the Empire, but they don't care for the Empire, and they don't really care for the rebels either. They're just scum and villainy, man. Yeah, well, there you go.

It's a place to be. That's where I'd be. Outer Rim. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Dantooine? I don't know if that's the Outer Rim, well, there you go. It's a place to be. That's where I'd be. Outer Rim. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Dantooine? I don't know if that's the Outer Rim, but Tatooine is. It's where the Oorines are. Some weird naming conventions in Star Wars. Yeah.

What happened to Coruscant? Where is it? Good old Croissant. Coruscant. Wasn't there a bit where they were celebrating at some point? Look, very possibly. They're like, oh, yeah, sick. Spliced in. Hooray for whatever's going on.

We found out, too. I love having a we found out, too party. We argue, like, what do the general populace know about, like, the Empire and all the kind of plot points that happen in the Star Wars? What does the Empire know about anything that's also going on? I don't know. Anything? I can't imagine.

Well, it's hard to say because Sidious, Darth Sidious is very, very, very powerful with the Force. Yeah. But then he also dies like a dickhead. Yeah. You feel like the Force could have prevented. Like, turn your fingers off. Why are you still shooting lightning when you're, like, in trouble?

Use your hands with something, like, grabbing. I forgot he does die like a dickhead yeah he dies making a sick light show he's making it rain lightning he's like i can't turn this off it looks cool i have nothing but for the aesthetic i exist for the public's entertainment Publix Entertainment. Surely Force Fly, yeah? That's a thing. Well, Leia does it. Yeah. So as old mate Sheev, is that his name? Sheev Felpatine.

Sheev is like falling down that arc reactor. Surely he can be like, zap, zap, zap. Wait, I can fly. Let me just fly back up. He could fly right up. Also Darth Maul. That's like Fly Fly. My name's in half.

Never mind. Although seeing a flying torso. The torso flying up, the Darth Maul flies in half. Never mind. Although seeing a flying torso The torso flying up, the legs flying up next to him and kicking quite hard. How ash is your head feeling? Oh, it's ash to fuck. Okay, because Darth Maul's a bit different because he didn't die because he

was so angry. Well, maybe the reason they can't fly is his anger and hatred kept him alive. That's not a thing. I don't know. It happened. It seemed like a thing to me. Maybe it's only like a good Jedi, a good force people can...

What did he land on? So he fell down all that shit and then he stayed alive, but then he was in the trash, garbage compactor. Yeah, but he fell a pretty high distance. Yeah, he should be squished. Even if he landed on a lot of soft things. Surely it would have... Because also trash, from memory, not soft.

Yes, it's mostly metals. Also, doesn't the trash... Well, I guess that doesn't have to be all trash compactors, but at a certain point it'll compact. It's sort of the nature of a trash compactor. He gets picked up, and this could be my knowledge a little bit wrong And to be honest a lot of the things I've said in this episode I'm expecting tweets about

It's everyone write in your iPhone notes thing Everything I said wrong and tweet it to me Every single little thing I got wrong Every tiny It fuels us Tweet me and tell me I got everything right Tweet me how you think Emperor Palpatine died.

Cut vertically down the middle. Choked on a chicken bone. And Darth Vader just got sick. I gotta remember what I was saying. Oh, yeah, Maul. Yeah. So he gets in the trash compactor and then he uses a force and anger to make new legs out of the garbage.

And then his brother rescues him. His brother has a dumb name, but he's Darth Maul, but yellow. He makes legs out of garbage. Garbage legs. Yeah. That's why he's got metal robot legs at first. But they're made from garbage. Like scrap metal.

Like bits of chicken bone and old hands. Yes. Scrap metal, you know, chicken bone. I was also thinking like just a garbage bin. Yeah. No, no, no. A garbage bag is hanging off him. Okay.

So they discarded droid parts. I guess so, yeah. Do you reckon a droid would see like Darth Maul walking around with legs being like, it's not right? Yeah, absolutely. That's fucked again. Imagine you saw a robot walking around with human legs. I was going to imagine if you saw a chimp walking around with human legs.

Oh, right. I'd be to imagine if you saw a chimp walking around with human legs. I'd be like, huh. Next step. Today's weird. Or seeing like a jeep but with four human legs walking around. For some reason I'm imagining legs to be sloppy sounding. They shouldn't be like

That's nice. I guess maybe you don't know how to use them properly, so you're flopping them. Somebody said I was imagining an ostrich with human legs. Powerful. And a human peen. Just flop it around. In the middle of the chest. Wrong.

In the wrong spot. Don't turn it around. Oh, there's a butthole. Something is wrong with this boob. And I didn't write. I didn wrong with this booth. And I... I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Not a fan. So, look.

At the end of the day, how do we take down the rebels? I guess smear campaign and lead into that they're incest people. Or maybe behead their leader. Or a lot of probe droids. If it worked once, it'll work again. And then when you're done on Hoth, you just find the next base. You're in it for a long time, and I guess I respect that. No, I don't.

I don't respect that. You're going to make a lot of martyrs. Eventually, there'll be nobody left to martyr them. That's not how rebellions work. Eventually, people will be like, the Rebel Alliance, who? We should start one of them. people will be like, the Rebel Alliance, who? We should start one of them.

As an aside, calling yourselves the Rebel Alliance, doesn't that just start you off on the wrong foot? I think they refer to themselves as the Alliance, and then it's sort of just like... It's kind of like setting yourself up to fail in a weird way, or setting yourself up to be always that small opposition. Because no matter what, whoever is in power, you're always going to be rebelling.

Well, I'm assuming when they get in power they stop being the rebels. Yeah, then they begin the resistance. But again, they're always it just seems that naming themselves is always on the back foot. You know what I mean? I think it's weird they don't have a uniform. Like they kind of do, but not really. I'd get a uniform.

That'd be day dot. Tell you what. Day dot. What's a uniform? What do you mean? What would it look like to you? Like Stormtrooper-esque or like? No, I'm imagining a lot of reds. I've knocked up beyond that. So like the Imperial Guards? No, no, no. Not their weird leather PVC, whatever the

fuck that is. Do you know how sweaty they look? And would be? Would you want to keep the capes no i'm not making them look like the imperial god no i'm just saying because even like mon martha and all that they wear a lot of capes and stuff which is a lot of drapes do you know who mon martha is yeah mon martha's the like one other woman yes the original prequel yes everyone has to dress like mon martha do you know how breezy and comfortable she looks? Everyone else is wearing these military uniforms.

Mon Mothma's like, I'm going to wear a fucking dress. Everyone wears Mon Mothma's outfit. Everybody's ready for summer. I love space summer. It gets hot. Does it? Probably in some places. Yeah, you know how space is notoriously hot?

Yeah, sometimes space, hot then cold. Yeah. Planets are hot. Are you close to a sun? Hey, guess what, cowboy, you're hot. You know who's ready for that? Mon Mothma. Mon Mothma.

Mon Mothma is always prepared for a space summer, and I respect that. Now, I reckon if you're going to go for a uniform for the Rebels, go for what Padme and what Leia wear when they're fighting. When they're wearing the white. I was hoping you were going to be like, what Padme has when she's regal. Yes.

That weird lipstick thing down the middle. Yeah, that's good. Big old headdress. A lot of reds. A lot of reds. What did I say? Red's the color. You know what?

I'm like that. Ostentatious. Massive headdresses. Big. Yes. I got one word Massive headdresses. Big. Yes. I got one word for our uniforms, everyone. Big. Too big.

And a lot of half capes. Yeah. Big fan of half capes. Lando Calrissian style. He's got a half cape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for the end of Empire Strikes Back when he's wearing Han's clothes for some reason. He's sicked up on his clothes.

He was like, I like that look. I just like to think he got real stressed out and had a little vomit and then had to change and Han Solo just apparently has thousands of the same outfit like a cartoon character. And so he just got into that. Good on fucking Han for finding an outfit he liked and being like, this is me.

I'm good. He was finding a uniform. Han found a uniform. Han Solo wears that uniform until he dies. At one point, he stopped wearing jeans, and he never went back. That's amazing. Did he have that outfit at the end of Han?

A Solo story? We'll need a sequel to find out how he got his one outfit. No, because his thing with the pants is never actually explained in Solo, which is like the one thing that I thought they were going to give an origin to. The stripe on his pants has like a military meaning. So much restraint in that film.

Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, head is ash. They explain where he gets his name though from, Jack. Fuck, I've heard of that. Yeah, it's good. Is it? I'm stopping the rebellion by making the Empire good again, and that's good. It's the easiest way to stop a rebellion,

to be like, hey, you won. You can't rebel against yourself. Oh, okay. You can't rebel against yourselves. You give them a job at the Empire. Yeah, I was going to be like, hey, as Sheev gets up from his throne. He gestures to it, hops in his sweet space convertible,

fucks off to the Outer Rim. I don't need this stress. And then he's gone. And then the rebels don't know what to do with all the power. Yeah. And they're not the rebels anymore. They've become the Empire. You give them the ultimate job.

The only way to win is not to play, ladies and gentlemen. And then you're going to give them the uniforms? They all just look like Darth Vader now. Yeah. No, that's the least breezy uniform imaginable. All right, just Darth Vader's cape. Darth Vader's helmet and the Mon Mothma dress. What about...

Okay. Ready for summer and winter on your head. Space gets hot and cold, you're dressed for both. Yeah. Well, yeah, kind of. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Fuck the rebellion. Yeah. Fight the rebels. Fight them not in power. Yeah. Maybe let the bad guys win for once. Yeah. How about? What the fuck? It's just weird you're calling them the in power. Yeah. Maybe let the bad guys win for once.

Yeah, how about? What the fuck? It's just weird you're calling them the bad guys. Yeah, they're good guys. I feel they're just already the good guys. Oh, fuck my bad. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio.

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And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.