Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Take Down The Spider Menace?

Episode Date: November 5, 2017

In which our heroes destroy the web-head, wreck the web-slinger, and annihilate the webbed-wonder as we ask how would you take down the Spider Menace?Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetype Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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lastly our sister show movie maintenance is having its first ever interstate live show with special guest Joel Dusha. So if you're in Sydney on November the 16th and want to see those buggerlugs talk all things film and storytelling, just head on over to sanspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. All the links will be in the show notes. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Dust Star. I'm eating. That's good. Yeah, it's definitely a good thing.

We're asking important questions, like, how would you take down the spider menace? I finished my food. So we're going to go, is the plan here, or the rules here, that we have to take each of the individual films Spider-Man? Yes. And a different one for each? So yeah, the Spider-Man is being Spider-Man. J.J. and Jameson just calls him a Spider-Menace, and I like that.

That is good. Need a plan for Tobey Maguire, Andrew Garfield, and Tom Holland. Okay. If it works for all three, is that allowed? Give me an example. Let's just start with Jackson. Beheading Aunt May. Okay.

How does that stop Spider-Man? Tell me Spider-Man wants to do anything after he's seen his Aunt May. Okay. I reckon you've got Tobey Maguire. No, I reckon Tobey Maguire's the only one you don't have. Tobey Maguire's going to shoot me with a gun. Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man's inside. I'm going to be like, got her.

And he's going to be like, bang, bang, bang. Not on my watch. I don't think I've brought this up in an episode, but my favorite thing about the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man is that he doesn't realize murder is wrong until the last of the... I feel this is just an oversight. It's not. It's so good. He's like, Aunt May, I killed that guy that killed Uncle Ben. And she's like, that's terrible. He's like, I thought you'd be happy. Isn't that the symbiote? He doesn't kill anyone else, though. He kills that first guy. He kills a Green Goblin. Yeah, he kills one

person. He kills a Green Goblin. Green Goblin kills one person. He kills a Green Goblin. Green Goblin kills himself. Peter Parker doesn't try to stop him. Peter Parker just gets out of the... No, Peter Parker is jumping out of the way of the thing that's going to impale him. He doesn't feel any remorse about it. You don't know that. I think, in fact, you see a lot of remorse about it. He takes the body back to the house.

He lies for him. I think he's just stressed. That's why. He kills Doc Ock, That's why. Fucking psychiatrist Jackson Bailey. He kills Doc Ock. Doc Ock kind of kills himself. Doc Ock definitely kills himself. The Sandman kills himself?

Let's the Sandman go. The Sandman gets like sort of turned because his sand like sort of splits up, doesn't it? Yeah, but Peter Parker lets him go. Tell me that when Peter Parker makes the Sandman mud in the third one, he doesn't think he's killed him. Give me the scene again. I forget that exact scene.

They're fighting in the sewer. Yeah. He pushes him into the sewer water, and Sandman just disperses and becomes mud, and he's like, phew, I'm okay. I'm so glad I killed that guy. I'm so glad I murdered Sandman i murdered xanth man that's the direct line what you think he's going to be like what would your reaction be if you were a person

who didn't want to kill i'd try and figure out a way to not kill him anyway yeah the point is behead the aunt mace preferably if i can do it in one swing across three dimensions assumes you know peter parker yeah this assumes you know Peter Parker Yeah, it assumes I know that Peter Parker is Spider-Man Depending on which Spider-Man it is I mean, all of them are so bad at keeping their identity Yeah Tobey Maguire loses his mask all the time

Oh yeah Let's assume with Tobey Maguire I was one of those people on the train And we're like, we won't tell anyone Peter Parker And I'm like, well don't I feel like Don't include me in that, I might I'm not going to tell him, I follow him and I'll behead his aunt I feel like if you go after

Tom Holland's Aunt May the like shield are going to come after you I feel like they're watching yeah that's a good point you kick down the door and then the cops show up immediately Tom Holland's Spider-Man will not Spider-Man after I behead his aunt

Tom Holland's Spider-Man won not Spider-Man after I ban his aunt. Sorry? Tom Holland's Spider-Man won't keep Spider-Man-ing after Marissa Tomei. There is zero chance that one's aunt may. He was stressed out by that fight with Vulture when he thought Vulture was going to die. But Vulture threatened his family and stuff like that. No, no, no. That's what I mean. When Tom Holland thought that Vulture was going to die, he was stressed. Plus, we got to accept that in the Avengers universe,

nobody gets really murdered murdered. You know, like what we had, Quicksilver got shot and you didn't see much. Yeah, there's no beheading. There's definitely no public beheading. I reckon, all right, maybe you could get Tom Holland. You could stop Tom Holland from, you could stop that Spider-Man,

but I reckon you're going to get got with Tom Holland. If Tobey Maguire, you mean. No, Tom Holland. Yeah, S.H.I.E you mean oh yeah shield will take me down but by that point i've already jumped into the amazing spider-man dimension swinging my axe get that out may who was that out may oh yeah no i remember get hurt are we also just assuming you're you yeah i reckon tom like all right peter parker's aunt may she's an old lady but tom holland's aunt may is a lot younger she might be able to fight Yeah I reckon Tom Like Alright Peter Parker's Aunt May She's an old lady But Tom Holland's Aunt May Is a lot younger

She might be able To fight you off Mercedermay Yeah You think Mercedermay Could kill me? I got a big executioner No that's alright

I mean You're gonna You die But Spider-Man Stops Spider-Manning Because he comes home To find his aunt Murdering a man

I'll do him last then Just in case Just in case Do you reckon Any of the Aunt Mays Are packing? for him to find his aunt murdering a man. I'll do him last, then. Just in case. Just in case. Do you reckon any of the Aunt Mays are packing? All right, I reckon you behead all three. Yeah. Andrew Garfield.

I don't think you stop Tom Hollands, but she'll get you. Yeah, that's fine. Andrew Garfield didn't seem that close with his aunt in that, and his parents are alive. Andrew Garfield's more Spider-Man than Peter Parker anyway. That's true. And then Tobey Maguire will just kill you. He'll glock me in the head.

I did the right thing. He'll hang you with web. Yeah, you're going to get a web noose. The cops finding that and being like, oh my God. There'd be a note that just said, this man beheaded Aunt May. Who? Dash your friendly neighborhood spider. Written in web, some pig.

How do we go to Spider-Man killed a cop? Some pig. So we don't think beheading is the tactic? I think that you I think you could get one of the Spider-Mans Tom Holland seems like he'd give up Yeah he wouldn't know what to do Alright I'll take that

The other two Like Tobey Maguire 100% is just coming for revenge It's about choosing which Spider-Man to do first Alright I reckon you stop Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man Simply because at that point I reckon he stops being Like he's not gonna stop fighting crime or whatever But he fights crime more brutally you stop Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man is simply because at that point I reckon he stops being...

He's not going to stop fighting crime or whatever, but he fights crime more brutally. He's not Spider-Man. He's fucking the Punisher. Yeah, basically. He's hanging criminals with web instead of capturing them. So I really, I'm going to go Spider-Man, and then

Amazing Spider-Man, and then Spider-Man Homecoming. No, I can do it reverse order. Surely you can just pick. No, Tobey Maguire's going to be the hardest. Oh, okay. Regardless of the situation. Because I really wanted to pick. Okay, so you're not going to retire all the Spider-Men,

you're just going to retire one. I'm going to use something I get from one of them to retire another. Oh, boy. I'll allow it, just because I'm very curious. Well, can we talk about how easy it would be to kill each of the Aunt Mays? Because surely that goes Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man,

Spider-Man Homecoming. Well, they get older, younger as it progresses, so yeah, obviously. Although, to be fair, bloody Aunt May in the first one, jeez, a bloody battle axe. Actually, you know what you could do? If you know who Peter Parker is, you might not even need to behead an Aunt May. You could just go in, like, earlier in the series than Spider-Man 3 and tell fucking, what's his name, DeFranco that Peter Parker is Spider-Man.

I could just tell the world. Hell, you could go to Spider-Man 1 and tell fucking the Green Goblin. Guess what? It's Peter, but the Green Goblin's like, I know, I just had dinner with him. I saw the common result. How did you get into my house? If you know him earlier. You're the Green Goblin. Well, I fucking know that, don't I, dickhead?

You might get got by a creep. You might get got if you go Spider-Man 1. They call me the Beheader. I'm a menace. Alright. I'll accept a loss. Yeah, Adam, I'm a menace I I'll accept a loss Yeah Adam So you have to take down all three Spiderman But you can do it in any order Alright

It's like you're trying to do math So Tom Holland Is a High school student Presumably because Jackson I can also know that he's Peter Parker Yada yada yada high school student. Okay. I know, presumably because Jackson has said so, I can also know that he's Peter Parker, yada, yada, yada.

Yeah. All right. What I need to do is, I need to figure out where he's got his like web shooter, web or whatever, if I can find that. So if I'm just,

I'm stalking him for a little while. Sure. I watch when he lifts up the lockers, grabs it from underneath. Clever. I go, I get it from underneath the locker or whatever somehow i get to it a car jack i guess then i'm going to go with the costume on the web to spider

man to amazing spider-man the what i'm going to dub is the combat spider-man spider-man who's more spider-man than peter parker yeah sure. Fucking Andrew Garfield. I'm gonna dress up as Spider-Man, have the web shooters, and I'm gonna be like I'm you from the future. When his guard is down, fucking kill him. So

I capture, I kill the combat Spider-Man with trickery and deception. So are you taking down Tobey Maguire the same way? I already said deception. Are you taking down Tobey Maguire the same way? I already said how I'm going to take down Tobey Maguire. I'm just going to go and tell fucking DeFranco. Why not do it the same?

James Franco? James Franco, sorry. I'm thinking of popular YouTuber. Yes, there you go. Why not just go and try to... Are you the same height as Andrew Garfield? No, you're probably shorter.

And you can't reveal yourself to him. You've got to keep the mask on. Well, yeah, I've got the mask on. And your voice is different. I've got the webs. I'd be like, please, take off your mask. No one knows what their own voice sounds like. Somebody came to me and was like,

hey, Jackson, how you doing? I'm you from the future. I'd be like, that makes a lot of sense. I've been waiting for you. I reckon you are. So if I was Andrew Garfield and you came to me, I'm like, I'm you from the future. I'd be like, can I see? What do I look like? What are you going to say then?

Killmode enabled. I'm fucking burnt ass. Oh, do I get that shit? I was kind of assuming the other one. If I get killmode, oh no, I don't want that one. Surely the AI knows. I want the shitty old one that he's not going to miss. Tom Holland's not going to know what I've done until I've done it.

The problem is, Adam, that you've got to be like... You start on such an off foot. So, like, if you do kill Andrew Garfield, and then you do kill Tobey Maguire, you've got to go all the way back to Tom Holland Who at this stage is furious Where's my suit? What the fuck?

I'm fucking collecting shit as I go So after I've killed Andrew Garfield I need his body Then when I kill Peter Parker I make a deal with the Green Goblin Or with James Franco. I'm like, I can reveal to you who Spider-Man is.

I was about to say Peter Parker. Give the fucking game away, you idiot. I can reveal to you who Spider-Man is, but I need the body. So I get James Franco to kill Tobey Maguire. Which is something he tries and can't do. I'm giving him information earlier on. Why not be like, with the two bodies, I go back to Tom Holland, I dump both of them,

and I'm like, I am you. Someone is killing Spider-Man's across dimensions. Someone is killing Spider-Man Across dimensions When his god is dead I kill him Maybe that's what I say to Tom To Andrew Garfield as well Someone's killing Spider-Man

Across dimensions But secretly it's been you Then you don't even need to pretend you're from the future You can just be like I'm another Spider-Man My name's Peter Parker You're Peter like, I'm another Spider-Man. Yeah, no, that's probably what I say instead. My name's Peter Parker. You're Peter Parker, yeah? Yeah, we're Spider-Man. So you're just gonna take a Spider-Man suit,

jump through realities and be like, I'm Spider-Man, and he's like, what? And then you kill him. I'll like... You've never been Spider-Man, nor do you have Spider-Man's abilities. He is Spider-Man. I got Tom Holland's, like, maybe I don't have the jumpy thing, but I got the web thing. Saying from a different dimension is good though, because then

he's like, follow me up the building, and you're like, all I have is the web. In my dimension, that's all I got. And then he'd be like, that's alright, just shoot webs to the top, climb. That's, must put, I am a different Spider-Man. This is the good timeline. Anyway, look over there. Bang, bang!

He's got spider sense. why do you have a gun look in my timeline i'm not good at punching i have to spider sense isn't perfect he gets hit sometimes yeah but you wouldn't be able to surprise him with a gun you might be able to surprise with a bomb i'm gonna wait until i the fucking right moment arrives give it an example sorry wait till he's asleep whatever right moment Wait till he's asleep. Whatever. Right moment presents itself. I like that. I like, what I like that

is that my, uh, ruse gets more convincing as I go on. It does. It starts off hard to sell, but then by the end, they're like,

well, that's a lot of dead Spider-Man, I guess. I like the Jackson. You've both gone for murder. Yeah. You're retiring Spider-Man by a murder you've retired Spider-Man by

killing him I stopped the Spider-Man I mean it's ended and again I just don't think you're going to be able to surprise him with a bullet I can find a way to surprise him I'm sure I can even a bomb, a bomb will do

you should be like here's a suit I'll find a way to surprise him. I'm sure I can. Even a bomb. A bomb will do. What can Spidey do? You should be like, here's a suit that I found. It's from another dimension. Give it to him. But every suit has bombs in it. Or it's poisoned on the inside. Inside poison.

Or be like, I'm from another dimension where we get spider powers from a syringe. What? I'll make you a better Spider-Man. I already am a better Spider-Man. An even better one. Wait, does the syringe make me like you? Because you've just got the web. No, it makes you dead. Gotcha.

Come here. Shut up. Well, I'd like to see you destroy him better. I'm going to go for the J. Jonah Jameson method of slander. But I know who he is. I'll be like, Peter Parker, public menace, dickhead? Peter Parker shit cunt is a very good front page article.

I feel like we should have a whole section of how would we find out who Peter Parker is, because we're all presupposing. We were on the train in Spider-Man 2 and Tom Holland we found his movie. Catch public transport. No, if you find out Peter Parker in one thing,

surely you've got him in all of them. Yeah, yeah. The name doesn't change. That's true, yeah, because I know that Peter Parker, yeah. So I guess we were born with the ability to shift between Spider-Man dimensions. Ultimately, I work at that factory that Andrew Garfield skateboards in.

I walk out of the office and just like, what the fuck is this? Hey, kid, you Spider-Man? Yeah, no. You're a bit of a dickhead, aren't you? Well, the newspapers will say so. That's what the newspapers say. I don't know. And you can easily find out if fucking Tom Holland's Spider-Man.

Ask his friend. Hey, Ned. Hey. Is that Spider-man yeah hey that's all right hey liz is your dad the vulture yeah yeah this will make a lot of sense you guys didn't figure that neither you knew that's a shame dumb so your slander is just gonna be what does the rest of the article say? Peter Parker's a murderer. Who are you saying you murdered?

Green Goblin. How do you know? I mean, I presupposed I knew who the Green Goblin was. Saw the movie. Did we come from our dimension? I hope so Because if we came from our dimension A lot of this starts to make sense I mean, maybe

Oh, actually Now I've got a better way of doing it It's a change on Adam's one I'm going to pop into Spider-Man 3 And when Spider-Man goes to get the symbiote I'll just take it That's true Then I'll just take it. That's true.

Then I'll just be Venom, but a good one. What makes you a better Venom than the Venom we get? I'm not so for grace, am I? That's a good start. Be Venom with a gun. There you go. Bang, bang, bang, I'm Venom, bitch. Also, I like the idea of, like, I've just combined all of my ideas now so not only am i

venom with a gun i'm also a reporter which i guess so for grace was as well yeah yeah but i just start like venom in like in my venom outfit just typing up peter parker shit like goo going everywhere as you type i was thinking like what you could do it when you get the venom thing is just like plant bombs or something like that and then be like it's the city or you Spider-Man but that's like such a classic villain thing I'm sure you'd just be beaten it's not like a clever ploy that's just that's just something a villain does what about if you're like you go to say uh I want to think Andrew Garfield's a good one and you're like Andrew Garfield there is evil Spider-Man in all of the dimensions but this one come with me he is a gun and then come with me. He is a gun.

Come with me into the other dimension. Tom Holland's like, whoa, another Spider-Man. Bang, bang, bang. And then we go get... Kill a cop, frame Spider-Man. What does that do? If the cops in the city turn against Spider-Man, they already kind of do. Oh, actually.

Nah, like there's a difference between just like he's a vigilante that we need to get and like he's a cop killer. Yeah, that's true. And also we're confusing Batman and Spider-Man. The city of New York loves Spider-Man. That's true. That's Spider-Man's secret other power. Yeah. He's beloved by New York.

Sorry, can we take away that love for New York? Yeah, you can make New York turn on Spider-Man. Spider-Man took a shit in the... River. No, not the river. Doctors and photos. So that's like... Me as a symbiote Daily Planet report.

Daily Planet? Yeah. No, Daily Bugle. Daily... Yeah, Daily Bugle. Daily Planet's Superman, isn't it? Daily Bugle. Daily Planet Superman. Daily Bugle. So as Venom takes some photos of Spider-Man,

doctor them to make it look like he's taking a shit on the city, ask him for an interview, doctor that as well, make him say, I hate New York. I took a shit. I like my cop killer one better. I think it works faster. What about if I just get him fired? From what? From the newspaper.

I think he does get fired. What if I don't ever let him get another job? And then he's unemployed and sad. Can't afford. What if? Oh, actually. It's not the worst idea. Bankrupt Aunt May.

Become a rich property developer. Start turning New York into more... Start tearing down all the big buildings. Turn it into strip malls. Make it harder for him to swim from thing to thing. Oh, that's true. Yeah. That's true.

Then just rely on a villain and he gets shot. It's very funny that all of our plans, or at least mine and Adam's, in some way involve shooting Spider-Man. Mine involves shooting someone. I just like that we're like, yeah, look, the reason Spider-Man's not dead so far is that nobody had the gumption to pull a fucking piece on him.

Fucking Adam and Jackson's fucking Joker-esque... You gotta kill the Batman. Three-step plan to ice Spider-Man. That's what we have in our whiteboard in our lair. Our lair is... What if I just get spider powers and start being a dick Spider-Man?

Where are you gonna get spider powers from? Not 100% sure. You're gonna have to do some research. Figure it out. I guess you could impersonate Spider-Man without any powers and just be a dick. To be honest, if I take my... Your classic move of dress up as Spider-Man and waggle your dick. Waggle your cock around.

What if I did dress up as Spider-Man and then did my Aunt May beheading plan? That makes it all the more unpleasant. Dress up as Spider-Man, behead Aunt May in front of Tom Holland Spider-Man, he's not he's not recovering even if I did it in front of Tobey Maguire he's gonna be like what the fuck is happening here Tobey Maguire again do it with your dick out for added like

what the fuck actually, if I dress up as Spider-Man and just hassle Aunt May in both Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire not like Tom Holland, Spahad is on. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. The other two.

Aunt May doesn't know it's Spider-Man. It's like, then he can never come out to Aunt May. Well, Aunt May in the Tobey Maguire movies makes so many references to the fact that she's like, I know what you're doing. No, she never explicitly says it, which is weird, to be honest. I mean, like. Well, this Aunt May knows now, like Marissa Tomei. We're also always presupposing that we know who Peter Parker is, so, like, why not just start telling people?

Hey, you! Yeah? You're Spider-Man's Peter Parker? What? Yeah, no shit. Give the scoop to the Daily Bugle or whatever? Yeah, tell J. Jonah Jameson. Plus, then you get him fired, like my plan.

Although, I feel like J. Jonah Jameson. Plus, then you get him fired, like my plan. Although, I feel like J. Jonah Jameson might be too, like, he's weirdly loyal in the original Spider-Man. Yeah, but he's loyal to Peter, I guess. He's even loyal to Spider-Man. No, he's not. He's not either of those things in the original. In the first one, when the Green Goblin bursts open that room and is like, you know where Spider-Man is, tell me. And he's like, nope, got nothing. When the Green Goblin is about to fucking kill him, he doesn't give up Spider-Man. But remember in Spider-Man 2, where he's like, when Spider-Man retires, he's like, you know what?

Maybe we were too hard on him. And then Spider-Man takes his costume back and he's just like, Spider-Man's a mess. Jameson's got some clear problems. He dresses up as Spider-Man. Does he? Yeah, do you not remember that? No. Hang on. I know this is in the middle of a podcast, but you need to see this right now. I think the important thing is, when shit hits the wall, J. Jonah

Jameson was behind Spider-Man. It pleases me so much every time you say J. Jonah Jameson. I do. J. Jonah Jameson. J. Jonah Jameson. I'm. Jameson. Jameson. James. I'm excited to see this image of J. Jonah wearing Spidey's costume.

J. Jonah Jameson. He's standing on his desk. It is hard. It's a 20 second clip. It's a tongue twister. Oh my gosh. Told you. Why does this exist?

It's in the film. It's a scene in the movie. Which movie? Spider-Man 2. You got enough for the rest of the class there jack oh yeah i guess so in spider-man 2 if someone has somehow forgotten it which jackson has jay jones uh spider-man stops being spider-man and he puts his puts his costume in the bin and then jay jonah jameson finds it and then you get like a triumphant clip of him standing on his desk wearing it.

And then later in the film, when Peter Parker decides he's going to be Spider-Man again, he webs through the window, his costume out of the bin, oh, off J. Jonah Jameson's desk, and J. Jonah Jameson cracks the shits again. With the cigar is the best part. I guess he just loved dressing as Spider-Man? Yeah. Well, how does Spidey get taken down in the comics? In the second, or I mean in the movies.

In the second movie, why does he stop Spider-Man-ing? Because his life falls apart. Yeah, his life falls apart. Oh, fuck, we're idiots. Gone. Duh. Why didn't we just shoot the Spider-Man? Okay, no, actually, make Mary Jane hate him in the first series.

Yeah. That he'll stop, because that's why he stops. In Amazing Spider-Man, delete the Gwen Stacy video at the end, because he hasn't been Spider-Man for like six months after Gwen Stacy dies. So then he's got no redemption. He's just like, I'm sad. And Tom Holland just behead his aunt. Oh, wait.

Chop off their arms. How? If you're chopping off his aunt. Oh, wait. Chop off their arms. How? If you're chopping off his arms, just kill him. Well, like, his arms is easier than his head, probably. But if you chop off his arms, he's got no spider powers. I just don't think you're going to get too... Because, like, killing him is less hard than... I could get his legs in one sweep with my executioner's axe.

What if... Are you going to aim for like one sweep, so you're going to do like a weird spin where you get Aunt May's head and then on the way back down is Spider-Man. And then I got to aim downwards so I can drop off Spider-Man's legs. No, but it needs to be arms. Because with arms and no legs, you can still crawl around and swing. What if I gilded him?

So I become a helicopter news pilot Okay So I'm flying the helicopter in New York City or whatever And then I follow the Spider-Man And purposely Because the spider web or whatever is super strong Purposely fly into it Get caught up

I die, a bunch of other people die Class action suit Or just guilt him I mean they can't sue Spider-Man They don't know who he is Unless I tell them You do As well as my will

Let's do the Adam Cannavale V Spider-Man The city of New York V Spider-Man If I You know like He's leaving that web

Around everywhere Yeah that's true That's a public hazard Yeah At least in Spider-Man Homecoming They address it Yeah they're like It dissolves Not in the other two It dissolves in two hours That's a public hazard. At least in Spider-Man Homecoming they address it. Yeah, they're like, it dissolves.

Not in the other two. It dissolves in two hours. That's a lot of time. Yeah. Helicopter could get caught up in the web in that time. Like, you know how Spidey sometimes will web onto your helicopter? Let him do that, then fly out to sea. Just web off it.

Presumably he's not hanging around for very long. I think the easy, like, yeah very long I think He's hard to kill Because Or retire It's hard to find a way that's like Steal his costume I mean like I would get him

Nah because you steal his costume That happens in the comics And then he just puts a bag on his head I'm fine, I'm good He's wearing a Fantastic. And then he just like puts a bag on his head. The amazing bag man. I'm fine. I'm good. He's wearing a Fantastic Four thing that doesn't fit in a bag over his head. Yeah. What if you severely burn him somehow?

So like cover yourself in an acid. And then he. What about this? Cover yourself in an acid. I like that. Yeah. I'm with you. Cover yourself in acid

Meant to hurt or maim Spider-Man Yes We're all there Jackson Yes And when Spider-Man comes to grab you Yes When Spider-Man as we all know

Grabs you doesn't web you He grabs you Every time If I run it near me When Spider-Man, as we all know, grabs you, doesn't web you, he grabs you every time. If I run it near me, mate. He gets acid. Great plan. No flaws. Well, I was thinking, what if I cover myself in gasoline, right?

Oh, gosh. Run at Spider-Man, set myself alight, set him alight. Then really quickly run into all the other dimensions to get the other Spider-Man. Spider-Man's such a hard hero to retire. Yeah, I know, because he doesn't stop. That's the problem. I think the best way to properly retire him is to make his life shit.

I'm going to marry Tobey Maguire's aunt. Oh, shadow Uncle Ben. Never let Uncle Ben get got. Well, then Spider-Man just doesn't learn that with great power comes great responsibility. He might also not... No, he still becomes Spider-Man, because those events aren't tied.

He's already Spider-Man when Uncle Ben dies in the first one. It won't be the Spider-Menace, though. It'll be more of a menace. I like marrying Aunt May. That's the better plan. Yeah, there we go. I'm like meeting your Uncle Ben, Uncle Joel. Please call me Uncle Ben.

I propose a plan where I don't shoot anyone, and you shoot it down, ironically. I guess I'll go back to the old standby. Get a rifle. Line yourself down Main Street. Just wait for him to swing down Main Street. He's got a spider sense. You're not going to shoot shoot him from he'll know spider sense doesn't make him immortal no but it makes like you're not gonna be able to snipe him i reckon i'm good you know he can dodge that's

why you gotta be mario may mario ben and then when he doesn't know to shoot him across the table i feel like maybe though though, if I... Oh, no. Surely, if I wait for him to be responding to an incident, then if I shoot him... Because if you're like... Because Spider-Sense doesn't, like... It's just, like, danger.

So, like, if he's already in a dangerous situation, Spider-Sense isn't going to be like, oh, there's a sniper. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. I see. I always imagine Spider-Sense is kind of like Final Destination Where he has like a vision No, I don't think so

I think it's just like, oh shit And like, it doesn't always work The amount of times you see Spider-Man be like, ah, Spider-Sense goes off and he still gets hit by a brick Actually, that happens more in newspaper Spider-Man comics Where it's like, does his power do anything? Or does it just alert him that he's about to get hit by a brick and then he gets hit by a brick? Cause a robbery. Wait for Spider-Man to arrive. Then like, shoot him. Imagine Tom Holland hanging out at that entryway or whatever

as they're drilling up ATMs like, I didn't know the Avengers. Fucking God. Everyone else is being like, what the fuck? That kid is dead I caught him I don't think it tops being across the table as like, yeah, I'm your new uncle, Peter And Peter's like, that's great And then you just pull out your hand with a Glock in it And you're like, bang

So long, Aunt May It's so funny that we haven't been able to think of a better strategy than shoot him I know It's direct, it's good. I like it, although I much prefer pretending to be Spider-Man from another world. Look, ultimately, I will try my original. Ultimate Spider-Man-ly.

Ultimate Spider-Man-ly. An Aunt May beheading frenzy is probably my favorite way to go. Alright, I'm gonna marry Aunt May, all three Aunt Mays, install CCTV in Peter's room because I'm an untrusting uncle, boss Tim as Spider-Man, oust him to the world, ground him forever. That's good.

Ground him until he's 50. He can't get out. He's not allowed to leave his room until I die. Then he might kill you. Depends on which Spider-Man, I guess. Aunt May will be pissed. She loves me. You know what's funny about your plan?

What? It's the same plan as the Spider-Man villain Mole Man. And Mole rhymes with a Joel, so I'll call myself Joel Man. I mean, I guess. I did it. How well does Mole Man's plan go? Not too well. But like in the end, him and Aunt May are like just so in love that they're like, you know what?

Let's just let it be. And so it's not like, yeah, Aunt May's willing. That's good. I feel like that means I win. I accidentally got it right. I mean, you won by copying, but that's fine. I'm going to kill Gwen Stacy. No one's ever done that

before. I really wanted to kill a horse, put one of the masks on that, and drag it through. What? I just thought it would add, like, different universes. There's a universe with a spider horse. I was thinking if I thought there was, like, a mob here.

I thought you meant, like, kill a horse, bring the horse with you and be like, Peter, can't retire. This is just another Spider-Man from another universe that I wasn't able to save. If I was like a Spider-Man, I'd be like, why did you try? Horses are people too, Spider-Man. Was that horse stopping crime in its universe? You better believe it.

Can Spider-Man take on the mafia? Like, could you get the mob involved? Maybe. I reckon Spider-Man can take down the mob, unfortunately. That seems so weird. He takes down gangs all the time. Yeah, but not like organized crime. Surely he deals with organized crime. Yeah, but

they're never trying to deal with him. That's what I mean. That's honestly surprising to hear. Yeah, but like, you know, why would they? I mean, like, they don't like organized crime. Like in the most recent film. That's honestly surprising to hear. Yeah, but like why would they? Why would they? Like in the most recent film. That's true. Damn. Until we had it. Marry Aunt May is the only way to do it. It is. Be Mole Man.

Be Mole Man is the winning move. What a shame. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. Cop that been Jackson. I've been Adam. Cop that, Spider-Man. You can call me Uncle Ben. Spider-Man.

Bang, bang. Spider-Man does whatever I... Got him. I like your gun noise. It's a drill. It's a bullet missing you. Oh. Or flying past you. That's the noise I do for that.

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