Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Teach Defence Against the Dark Arts and Survive the Experience?

Episode Date: October 11, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. Hey guys, before we start, I just want to let you know that Jackson has decided to take his good friends, Handsome Tom and Cass, through a carefully constructed role-playing adventure about a small town, an unlikely group of friends, and the mummy they have all sworn to protect, no matter the cost. Tales from Handel Creek, My Summer with AnkoTep, is a love letter to 80s movies like Monster Squad and The Goonies, and you can watch episode one right now on our YouTube channel. For the next month, we're premiering each episode on twitch.tv

slash sanspantsradio before uploading them to YouTube. But if you hate waiting, you can grab all five episodes right now on our website, sanspantsradio.com. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you teach defense against the dark arts and I guess survive the experience? Okay, okay So Defense Against the Dark Arts Here's the things that we know about it One, it's cursed, yeah?

Oh yeah, big time It's a job everyone wants But once you get it, it sucks shit. The three of us are sitting in Wizard Centrelink. And one of the people there comes up and they're like, I have one position available for the three of you. It is cursed. We'll take it.

Great. Good. I've been waiting for a cursed position. How much does it pay? Oh, we already said yes Cancel any of my benefits right now Cursed? That's perfect Better than sitting here I'm so hot

The building has no air conditioning The building has no air conditioning and we have been giving each other glances which indicate how unhappy we are with that for like an hour while we wait. Hushedly saying like, can you believe that there's no air conditioning? Whatever job he says, I'm taking it. Yeah, I know.

There's no air conditioning and my Game Boy Color batteries have run out. So I'm bored and I want to say yes and move on. All of the butter I bought from the supermarket is melting in the plastic bag I have it in. And I've already drank half of it so when I get home I'm not even going to have enough for the cake. I'm so thirsty that this hot liquid butter

seems perfect to drink. In fact, since I'm going to have to buy more butter, do any of you guys want to suck on some of this melted butter? It's cooling me down a bit. I'll cool you boys down. And then the guy being like okay, well I can give you a job as defense against the dark arts teacher. We're all just like, oh, man, my guts, dude.

You're all right. Sure. What is it? We'll take it. I'm teaching art. You're all right. Okay. So going in with my, I guess, lots of paints and brushes and assuming we're going to be teaching art.

I'm like, oh, no. Now I've got to turn. Okay. Well, here's the thing. Okay, so we know it's cursed. Yeah. And we know, like, after a year, generally, that's when, you know, you go, like, kicking and streaming

and, like, either dead or you've got no brain. They found out you're a werewolf or whatever. Actually, you know, Lupin came out all right, you know? Yeah. Sure. No, his reputation was... Yeah, and a couple of... Yeah, but that wasn't to do with him teaching

Defence Against the Dark Arts. We don't know how long the curse lasts. Potentially the curse of... Is there any teacher that teaches Defence Against the Dark Arts over the series of those seven books or six years or however long they take place over that comes out by the end of the book series and they're like

oh actually that was just a job for me I had moved on naturally from that job Gilderoy Lockhart blew up his own Voldemort, I think he's already dead basically. Voldemort popped in the back of his head like a pimple, yeah? And his brain slipped out, I think? And then

Gilderoy Lockhart pretty much puts a bomb in his own brain in the form of a magic spell. He becomes an imbecile. Then it's Lupin, who is a werewolf. Out as a wolf, yes. And then gets got. And dies a couple years later. Then you've got Mad-Eye Moody, who

actually isn't the real guy. He was another fella. Another fella the whole time. Well, both other fella and Moody die. Yeah. Body Crouch Jr., I think is his name, which is rare for me to get something like that right. Well done. Congrats.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I wanted to call him Slime Tongue Junior or something, but yeah. Unfortunately, the real name came to my mind. Then we've got

that lady everyone hates. Madame Pomfrey? No. She's the one everyone loves! Umbridge! Umbridge! They had Umbridge with her. Professor Umbridge. She got got by centaurs. She got back again.

She didn't die, though. That's true. I think she died at the end. She dies eventually, but so does everyone. If we're going to claim when Gilderoy Lockhart dies as an old stupid man, you're like, the curse got him. I don't think Umbridge got got. She just, you know.

Yeah, she just got got by the centaurs, and then I think she works at the Ministry of Magic now, and then Snape eventually did it. He didn't die. Oh, he did eventually. He died the same year that he got it. I don't know if those are related. Well, let's stick with Moody.

I mean, even though he got the offer, but then he died. So I don't know if they're related. I don't know if it counts. Yeah. Does causation equal whatever? Well, I mean, if it's a curse, I mean, you can always blame the curse, I guess. I think death is very possible, but I think it's not necessarily death. It could also just be ruined reputation or a bad brain.

We're already going in with bad brains. We start at the same level that Lockhart ends at. Also, just for a bit of clarification, this actually helps the fact that maybe we can make it out alive, because Umbridge survives the experience, just goes to Azkaban Which is fine Going to jail is good I'm deserved you know

Like what they suck you off Until all the bad's gone or something That's what dementors do Suck my soul out my wiener cool That sounds like it would feel good Send me to Azkaban So a dementor can chew on my arsehole Yeah Get all the bad out good. Send me to Azkaban so a Dementor can chew on my arsehole.

Okay. Get all the bad out. My plan would be to... I know it's cursed, so it's not going to really matter much what I'm doing. And also, who's come before me? A bunch of absolute morons and idiots. I'm going to come after Lockhart

and I think just because maybe hearing about just how much of an utter fuck what he is maybe just try and get on the like the student's good side by kind of just making it a bludge class all right so just i just we just need to clarify one last thing before we jump in great start first of all kudos uh yeah that's good well done you haven't fucked up yet and that's interesting to see where it goes from there i am yeah i'm curious this is this is a bit of a tease everyone can collect their thoughts anyway what i was about to say was are we putting ourselves in so you want to take over after lockhart so are you now replacing the third

like three years into harry potter you're living those events as a Defense Against the Dark Art teacher? Or is this, you're starting an entirely alternate timeline with no events, nothing happens. Let's see how I do. Prisoner of Azkaban. All right. There's Dementors at the school.

Oh, yeah. So Harry Potter gets got on the train and Zammett's there. And like in the book, Lupin's like, have some chocolate, feel better. Zammett's just like, fuck, that was scary.

That was scary. I might still ply him with chocolate so he feels better. Yeah, that's fair. That's nice. So look, when we were mishearing what Wizard Sutherland said, I kind of would have been like, oh, yeah, art school, cool. Yeah. So now thinking like defense against the dark arts,

there are a couple of things that maybe would have just jumped out of me as I was half paying attention, and that was mostly just like dark arts. So I would kind of be looking at like, oh, dark. I guess I mean like Gothic era. Oh, yeah, okay. Painting at nighttime. Yeah. So I'd kind of be maybe making it more of an actual art class.

Oh, that's nice. And so I'd be getting the students to express themselves through art. Is this going to help them in their defense against all the ghouls and ghosts? No. But will it provide an outlet for them to be creative? And maybe they might enjoy that, especially as it is going to be surrounded by dementors. So they're going to have to have a little bit of joy, like, hey, everybody, we're doing a life study,

draw this sunflower as the sunflower, I guess, due to the Dementor magic may alter and die. I'm a massive fan that you've decided to poorly equip everyone the year they need it the most. Yeah, this is, I think, the only year where Defense Against the dark arts teaches harry something that he actively needs to survive multiple times harry's like i need to know how to make a patronus you're like well i don't know what that is draw this vase uh have you considered

macaroni art so you're not even teaching them good art you're like get a piece of paper draw whatever the fuck on it who cares macaroni on the outside give it to your ma but the way i see this is that they haven't really had a good education past the point of 13 so whatever the art why start now yeah so i assume that we're gonna have to be teaching them sort of like basic art curriculum from for us anyway year seven onwards okay so they'll be like they'll be learning a little bit about maybe some of the classics maybe i have a question for you yes um where are you getting all of the equipment are you on the train with like big things yeah because i don't think hogwarts has them are you arriving

at dumbledore's like oh the new defense against the dark art teacher mr samet and then he looks out at the big bag of macaroni and how will the macaroni equip the students for fighting the dark arts what do you mean by fighting the darker i'm a i'm a teacher yes a teacher of defending defense against the dark fence. Painting fences? No, Mr. Zammett. I like also, Zammett, you've just come in. You're like, yeah, I'm an arts teacher. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I reckon I can do this. How hard is art? I vaguely remember my art education. Corinthian pillars. You know them? Dumbledore? You said you'd probably be teaching perspective, I guess. Corinthian pillars. You know them? Dumbledore? You said pillars in there.

Perspective, I guess. Perspective. Ah, all right. Yeah, perspective and art. More of a graphic art. Just the way you pronounce perspective is cute. You don't say the R. Perspective.

Leave me alone. I like to imagine, Zamit, you going to draw. You're like, all right, let me draw some famous artists, you know, that you might need to know about on the chalkboard, and then you step away and you've accidentally drawn the Ninja Turtles. Wait, hold on. Same names, different guys, different cunts. Hold on.

Hang on, hang on. All right, well, first of all, I know it is a defense against the dark arts, but I do feel that maybe the student body definitely needs something as a way to express themselves because a lot of the classes they have in Hogwarts, they don't really touch upon the humanity side of things. That's true. They don't really touch upon anything to be able to kind of, again, a nice outlet.

So, yes, I do know it's going to be events against the dark arts. So what I'm going to do is like, right, all right, kids, here is a knife. Everyone get a knife. That's going to do you great for like nine out of ten of the dark arts. Some werewolf coming towards you, stab him in the mouth. A ghost, stab it in the mouth. Some bog art shit, stab it in the mouth. Child's soul sucked out of body, Dementor knife thrown through it.

Great. That's going to be step one of most things can be easily done with a knife to the face okay everyone got their knife everyone got their knife fantastic try not to stab the other students okay moving on i love to imagine harry and like hermione and ron coming out of that class with a paintbrush in one hand and a knife in the other being like this year is really different from last year okay so what you want to do if you're ever fighting a werewolf, no, not a werewolf, the other guys, the fangbite, a Dracula,

if you're ever fighting a Dracula, what you want to do is you want to get your paintbrush and your knife, and what you want to do is you get your knife and you make a stake out of your paintbrush, and that will get the Dracula. Okay. Yes, it's very handy. I think something we're going to have to deal with in class, each of us will, is Hermione's goody-two-shoes nature.

So obviously, Sam, you are not teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts really at all, and you're definitely going to get a hand springing up and Hermione being like, sir, sir, this is just art you're teaching us, not Defense Against the Dark Arts at all. Yes. Okay, so have you ever heard of something called uh the art of war miss granger it's the art of war slam it on her desk read that tell me what's in it when you finish that read this war and peace you love reading there you go and here's war of the world this It's my turn this year, I'm pretty sure. So when you give me a book report

in two days of all three books, I will be flabbergasted. Now I can turn this around. Yes, Hermione, yes, this is a defense against the dark arts, and yes, I am teaching you art, but with a paintbrush you need to be very delicate, you need to be very precise, just like you need to be with your wand. Consider this an extension of who you

are. If you can draw me or paint me an amazing piece of art an impression of what is happening that will prove to me that you can definitely use your wand so you go like the mr miyagi route yeah you know wax on wax off but painting is magic since you're gaslighting a child now. And myself! Just be like, knowledge is power, Hermione, and what's better, the best offense is a strong defense. So, Defense Against the Dark Arts, you're just learning.

Congratulations. That is fair. Alright, so how, I mean, so far other than just getting fired I can't see this ending in your death I can definitely see this ending in you getting fired When Dumbledore's like, that's not what you were hired to do

So, again, this is kind of like another ploy So either I'm just not teaching the students anything, really Or they're kind of teaching Like having my class is a bit of a bludge They kind of like me So they kind of just keep me around Because they're like, whatever, it's fine like i'm giving out hours left right and center whatever it's basically you turn up you get a passing grade motherfuckers that is good i would

enjoy that class if i was in your i wouldn't come and i'd know i'd still get an hour i'd be jerking off in the owlery or whatever so yeah i think you may be in trouble okay not necessarily because of the bad class you're teaching or the curse or whatever but because you've picked the one year where they will rely on the defense against the arts teacher defense against the dark arts defense against the arts teachers yeah fuck all paintings defense the arts teacher sounds like a class designed to defend you against Zabot the arts teacher alright so you're gonna need a gun he's just a man

he's weak to bullets bring a gun to a knife fight anyway so your defense against the dark arts teacher the year that the school is full of darkness probably the only year up until voldemort comes back and is like a battle of hogwarts or whatever the only year that the school is full of darkness

and dark things that need uh to be defended against uh what are they what are you gonna do the moment they're like hey uh serious blacks loose on campers dementors are hassling the children we need you now that's. Someone should sort that out. Yeah. Okay. Hang on. Also, why don't we build a moat? Yeah.

Hey, there are a second moat because Hogwarts has one. Dumbledore just staring at you saying nothing. Just like for a full 30 seconds. And they're just turning away Does anybody have any ideas? Also, Zamit Dementors suck the bad out of people

They float as well They do nothing But the Dementors are here for us Aren't they? Currently they're on our side Yeah, but they don't particularly like People that are committing crimes And impersonating

a teacher. I am a teacher! I got hired by Wiss and Senderling. So, giving kids knives and stuff, that sounds like a crime. I think that you might be... A knife is less dangerous than a wand. I'll make that claim.

It's great to imagine Zammett saying these, not as he's sucked off by Dementors or whatever, just as he's given his fire. Dumbledore invites him and he's like, I'm sorry, you're just not performing admirably. You're fired. Give me one reason.

One example of me not performing well. Apparently you've promised all of... Apparently, Mr. Zammett, you've promised every child an owl. You teach children of all grades from first to sixth. Not everybody gets owls yet. Every child has a knife now, I hear. Okay, one thing at a time, Dumbledore.

Firstly, I think it's encouraging if people know that the pressure of testing is off them. I think they perform their best when they don't have that the pressure of testing is off them. I think they perform their best when they don't have that external pressure. And how dangerous is a knife when you have a wand or a fucking hat you can pull a sword out of? Yes, okay. Refrain from cursing in my office, please.

Hi, yes, Mr. Zammett. This is a portrait of me as well that I have that I'm holding in front of my face. Yes, portrait Dumbledore, what? So the difference between a knife and a wand, yes, a wand, quite magic, but this whole wizarding school is like training wheels for that wand, and we only teach the students things that we can quite easily undo here where a knife

wound can happen off campus we can't track it i'm saying this behind the painting the killing curse is outlawed the killers move with a knife we can't police you're telling me that harry potter shit he fell off a broom at what how high and you grew his bones back and you're worried about a bloody knife wound I'm sorry Dumbledore you've got your priorities a little bit skew whiff may I just say

so just again yes painting as he fell off he fell off a broom and broke a bone which then unfortunately a teacher that at the time, much like you, was very unqualified, performed the wrong magic on him. That was an author! Yes. A famous author.

How did you know about that? That was last year. Because it was last year. You didn't work here last year. didn't work here last year You weren't here last year Oh right yeah that would have made the news Come on a kid falls like A kid falls off a broom It's a front page baby

Yeah well look A very famous kid falls off a broom And is fine In the one school that we all go to That was fucked up by a very famous author. That's making the news. I'm sorry, it's making the news. Gilderoy makes the news.

Harry Potter falling off a broom doesn't. No. That's what you... Please get out of my office. And my office. No, you're a painting. Shut up. No, no, he's right.

He has equal right to the office. Look at my painting. There's an office in my painting. Are you just scared of a knife because you know I could cut you? Are you threatening me? Not you! Him! The painting! If you slash my painting, I will just inhabit another painting. It has happened on the school premise before. These are teenagers.

They damage paintings all the time. Didn't that happen earlier that year with that dog boy? Didn't he rip up a painting or something? How do you know everything that happened in this school? Because that happened this year! No, it didn't! Didn't it? When did the dog boy...

Oh, I thought you were talking about a different dog boy Regardless get out of my office Dumbledore Is it fired Obviously What What am I going to have to tell Wizard Settling now I better still get my benefits

It's also so powerful To just fight when someone fires you. They're like, yeah, sorry, your work's not good enough. You're like, no, it has been actually. Nice try, boss, but I've actually been performing admirably. If you ask every single one of my students, they will have nothing bad to say about me. Ignore Hermione. She's got a fucking stick up her...

You've taught her, you know. Mrs. Abbott gave me a knife, sir Also You're pointing at the headmaster And the headmaster's self-portrait Self-portrait Neither of us have taught her She's just a clever student

You don't teach any classes? No I'm a headmaster I'm a painting What? Zabbitt's getting sucked off by a domantor. He's threatened to the headmaster. Woo!

Damn this curse, Luke. The curse did this, not me. My soul is leaving through the tip of my wiener. It's great to imagine a bunch of students out the front getting, like, broom training and just looking up Azamit's wiener. It's like the thing holding him aloft and getting sucked off into a Dementor.

Should we be flying today, miss? God, no. Children, get inside. So, beloved by the student body, equipped him with knives. I guess the man had a problem with that. May or may not have threatened the headmaster and the headmaster's self-portrait.

It's unclear. So either way, do I get back with full benefits? You go to heaven. Your soul's at your body. I like to imagine Zahmetett who feels like the man unjustly fired him doing like a hunger strike at a hog's meat or whatever but it's like one of those hunger strikes where nothing

changes and after day three you're like oh I just have some food and go home I like the idea of Zammett like pulling out a knife against Snape and being like oh what are you gonna do now and Snape's just like that's a, like, pulling out a knife against Snape and being like, oh, what are you going to do now? And Snape's just like, that's a weapon, right? And you're like, yeah, it's a knife.

And he's like, Expelliarmus? How did you do that? Fuck, that was like magic. Mr. Zamet, do you not? You've been here three months. Mr. Zapp, do you not? You've been here three months. Mr. Zapp, as my co-worker, I please, please ask you to refrain from entering my class.

And if I could ban you from the school, I would. Yeah, but you can't. It's all here, dickhead. It's good to imagine this is happening here. I can brew me up something good. I'm not a cook. Brew me up something good. I'm not a cook. Brew me up something good. Come on.

For stew. I see it. I see it. What are you hiding? Is it good? I leap over and start scooping it up with my mouth. Okay. Well, I guess Zamba becomes a toad and that's how the curse gets him. A toad who then can't defend himself with a knife against a dementor.

I'm a toad. I can't pick up this knife anymore. I'm being sucked off through my frog ween. I like to imagine Zabit having that conversation with Snape out the front of Dumbledore's office just before he goes in. I'm untouchable. I can't get fired, baby. I'm getting a promotion. Yeah, Dumbledore wants to see me,

probably because I'm doing such a bloody good job, I reckon. Pretty excited. Yeah, so I've already put a down payment on my second car. It's going to be fucking good. These are going to be bad for you, dude. Not for long, because as the frog hops into Dumbledore's office yelling. Dumbledore! Some fucking cut

turned me into a frog! Wow. Yeah, look, three months at Hogwarts before the curse got you. That's my take there. Three months. That's pretty good. I think you're onto roughly the right idea. I'm

probably going to get the job the year after you, though, I feel. Goblet of Fire year. From Delet of Fire from DeMontas DeMontas Did that cut little Horipodo get got by the DeMontas or whatever? What happened to that guy? Who was that guy?

Harry Per or whatever Herve Parry I think his name was Yeah so he got caught. Yeah, or you look in the newspaper like, oh my God, Matthew Perry. I used to teach that guy. Now he's in the television show Friends. Oh no, he has a drug problem.

That's sad. Oh, but he's okay again now. That's good. I'm glad I taught that guy. I taught Matthew Perry. He was in that movie 17 again, I think. He knows Zac Efron. Do you reckon I could call him up and see if I could meet Zac Efron?

Zac Efron seems... I'll get him on the blower. Call up, and there's like, Hello, you have called Harry Potter. Unfortunately, I can't come to the phone right now because I died in 1996 or something. Harry Potter? No, he must have got the wrong number.

But he's not the guy in Friends, so I'm confused. I'll try again. He must have got the wrong number. But he's not the guy in front, so I'm confused. Well, try again. He must have changed his number. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on. Never played D&D in your life? Don't worry.

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Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com. So, Dusha, what is your plan here? Look, let's just say, for argument's sake, that... Well, look, Lupin would have been there. Lupin would have been like, who's teaching that? Fucking come with me. He's there in the room of requirements.

He's done a much better job than I'll ever do. For sure. So he's there. Everything goes exactly as planned. Dumbledore goes into the room of requirements. He's done a much better job than I'll ever do. So he's there. Everything goes exactly as planned. Dumbledore goes into the room of requirements after firing you and finds a time turner where he can go back in time to the start of the third year and be like, you know what?

I'm going to hire Lupin. Not this guy with credentials, I think. I suspect this other guy is a muggle, so... The thing that's given it away the most is the fact that he keeps talking about a knife being more powerful than a wand or comparing them as both deadly weapons

and then when it suited him to also say a knife is worse than a wand it's really hard to follow yeah it's unclear he's argued everything does he think before he opens his mouth? no I suspect not anyway well that

year three happens how it happens in the book Dumbledore's really he's gone out on a high he's like wow that was a great teacher shame about the werewolf stuff but but oh well hey he taught my kids something that kept them alive and now my school isn't full of dementors anymore and bleeding children

Dumbledore Fire comes in. I'm like, hey, students. My name is Professor Dusha. I'm here to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. So I do find it strange that you need to, as children, learn how to protect yourself from, I guess, evil. I'm a muggle-born. from i guess evil uh i will i'm a muggle born uh so this i find this crazy because it's kind of like teaching like how to stop bank robberies in high school show everyone show me what you learned last year and then i sit back and i'm like just all right it is weird because like

yeah you'd be like having a self-defense class, which is great, but having that as a core unit is odd. Like if a high school, for some reason, it was like, hey, you're all 17 now, so your sports class for this year is we're teaching you all self-defense. I'd be like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah, you're like, okay, yeah, cool. But to teach it for a whole, like a whole- Schooling period.

Yeah, I forget what the word... I forget what the... Schooling. During the whole duration of schooling, to be teaching a class that's sole benefit is to protect you from evil, when allegedly the only evil person in the Wizarding World died 12 years ago. You still get taught how to fight Boggarts and shit. Yeah, I guess maybe that is why they teach you stuff. Yeah, dragons. There's still why they teach you stuff. Yeah. Dragons.

There's still guys who know the bear curses. Again, that's like teaching people how to fucking kill a bear. That'd be good. Right now, if I go into the woods and a bear kills me, I'm unprepared. If in class, in high school, in my teenage years, ten years ago,

someone had taught me how to fight a bear, as the bear was mauling me, could be rapidly trying to remember anything so my recommendation what harry potter does in the triwizard tournament maybe if he was taught about how to kill a dragon maybe that would have helped him out absolutely oh actually i guess harry doesn't all right so much like you i've made the mistake of mistake of picking a year where the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has a big, big impact on how everything goes. But I think what actually happens with me is I'm teaching really well but kind of fucked things.

I can do magic now. I'm teaching the killing curse. So very similar to how Moody taught. Yeah, I would say, in fact, identical to how Moody taught. Are you just Body Crouch Junior? Yes, because the same thing would happen. You'd find me in a crate and I'd be like, oh, fuck. I've been in this crate for ages, Christ.

An entire school year, but for some reason I'm alive. I don't know if that was magic or if I was just being fed like horse meat or something. So you're going to be like, I don't know if that was magic or I was just lucky. Let me out. Because time has definitely passed. I think you'd be easier to get than Mad-Eye Moody. Absolutely. Yeah, I wouldn't see it coming. You'd be taking out the trash and he'd just come and

king hit you in the back of the head. Not just on the ground with your big trash bags. Although living in Australia means that is the only style of attack I am always prepared for. So if he goes to the king hit, maybe I just duck and get punched in the top of the head for like a sack of shit. Oh, who punches me there? I'm never a fan to defend my top of hand. Fucking hell.

Why did you punch it down? Are you fucking kidding me? What in the fuck? It's good as well if you're in the crate, like your complaining is loud enough that every time Harry is in the office with the fake you, he can just hear from the crate, let me out, cunt! Let me out of the crate! What's that, Professor?

I hate this fucking crate. Nothing. Don't listen. Don't worry about it. Do you know how many times I've pissed my pants in this crate? Heaps. I made one quarter for shitting and one quarter for pissing, but now they're mixed because I've been here so long. There's not enough space. I was yelling before when you, well, in the future,

I'll be yelling about how I'm not sure how this works because I'm not sure if it's just like a time freeze or what's going on or if I'm being fed horse meat. But really, time doesn't freeze because I've grown a really it's just like a time freeze or what's going on, or if I'm being fed horse meat, but really time doesn't freeze. Cause I've grown a really long beard and long hair. I'm confused. It's good as well to imagine Harry being like, professor,

what's coming from that trunk? And, uh, body crash. Jude is going to be like, Oh, it's a, it's a,

uh, it's a, I was going to be like, it's a Bolivian cussing trunk. It's, I bought it from an antiques. It swears. I'll kill you.

Hey, Harry. Harry. Is that you, Harry Potter? Open the crate. I'm in here. Fuck. I'm just a fucking guy in this crate. What's he saying?

It says it's a guy in the crate. That's intentional. Yeah. That's what they learn. They're very adaptive creatures, but they've got a lot of storage space. So is it a creature or a magic? Don't worry about it. Let me out!

You'll find out later. Maybe this will be on the test. I'll talk about this in class. Off you go, Mr. Potter. Hey, Eddie, you know how you can hear me? I can also hear you. I'm just a fucking guy. It's good to imagine Harry leaving

and then Party Crash Jr. opening up, being like, shut up, shut up. No, then you give him the finger. Well, he's got to clean the shit somehow. So I imagine basically you're kind of like a pet to Buddy Crouch at the moment to be kind of like, you know, he's cleaning you up every other day. It's good to imagine Snape coming into Buddy Crouch's office and seeing Buddy Crouch on his knees shoveling shit out of the crate.

Snape being like, what? One of those Barovian talking lizards or whatever I said. Snape! Snape, is that you? It's my shit. It's my human shit he's shoveling out of there. It's one of them talking crates. Snape's just like, I don't need this.

Hey, if I wasn't stuck in this crate, the fact that some guy is dealing with my actual shit would be fucking hilarious. But I'm in this fucking crate. So I'm not laughing yet, but I will in the future. Please let me out. Barty Crouch Jr. just top of head punches Snape and puts him in.

All right, Snape, these are my corners. Find your own. So that's my piss corner. That's my shit corner. And this is my sitting in corner. So you got one corner. One corner for all things. You could subdivide it, draw a line, and therefore you got two corners.

But quite a narrow angle then. Yeah, yeah. I guess you could shit and piss in my corners as well, but not at the same time. I like to spread. It's good to imagine slowly every faculty member at Hogwarts gets put in the same crate. So crowded.

School's quiet this year, Hermione. Yeah. Except for that one room where it's the loudest room in the whole school it's like what i'm talking crates we have hermione never mind imagine like maybe it's because it's the it's the triwizard cop it's the second one where everybody's going for a swim and at the same time body crash jr pushes the crate into the lake but but it's like not locked like just the idea of harry potter swimming down and a crate falling opening up just human shit blossoming out into the lake body crash being like i gotta just get rid of him dumping it he sees the lock on latch no no no just big brown stain on the lake. Dumbledore being like, um... Maybe we time out, guys. Floating bodies

just, like, popping up. All of the Triwizard Cup champions, like, surfacing, being like, wait, what is that? Is this part of it? I think some of them are dead. I think some of them drowned in human excrement. How full was this chest?

It bubbling and then Dusha bursting out. Fuck! I literally killed people with my shit. That's fucking hilarious. That cunt's not me. And then you rush and punch him in the top of the head. I king hit him because I'm like, look, I'll prove it. And then king hit me and was like, if that was me,

I would have been ready for it. It's great because, yeah, he just won't change for a bit. You're just like, you just got to trust me. This is some other guy. I didn't see who. You don't know enough about me. He's like writhing around on the floor and I just kick him once and the guy's like, oof.

I'm like, turn back. I need a shower. Christ. I'm going to hop back in that lake. I'm like, turn back. I need a shower. Christ. I'm going to hop back in that lake. The different corner of the lake. The clean bit. Different section. Yeah.

Okay. Well, that was a. Okay. What a year. You did pretty well, actually. Yeah, I guess. Because the kids still learn. Yeah.

Unless. You know. I mean, it's not you. It's. Buddy Crouch. It's Buddy Crouch. You had a bad time sort of for no reason. Yeah.

I was employed, though, so guess who would have absolutely got the paycheck? And, Jackson, I feel like I'm living your dream by shitting in a corner. Oh, absolutely, dude. Of course. You're not just getting a paycheck, but there's got to be some kind of, like, compensation

for being locked in a corner and having to, like like survive off horse meat yeah 100 that's probably you probably got some sweet like uh uh yeah reparations so i guess yeah for the first half of the year you're in the crate you get out the second try wizard cup um challenge and then the second half of the year is a legal battle with hogwarts where you sue them into the ground for having you locked in a crate and not realizing yeah I um the only thing I can imagine is that if you're picking people that get locked in the crate with me Hermione probably ends up being one of them that's true that could change things in the future because she's traumatized from her time in

the shit crate you mean not even necessarilyized, just like it probably hardens her at the very least. She's definitely seeing the world differently. Yeah, absolutely. Harry's like, oh, I'm so stressed about exams. And Hermione's like, fuck, dude. I spent weeks in the shit crate. It was so loud in there. The only benefit of Hermione out of all of them is, like,

at least she was raised a muggle. So, like, she's not prepared to see a grown man shit in a corner or whatever. But, I mean, she'd... I thought you were going to be like, at least she's raised a muggle so I can talk about, like, Nintendo with her. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, remember Nintendo 64? As long as we get out of the crate, we can go play one. I guess. Okay.

Yeah. Crash Bandicoot 2's coming, I think. That should be good. What year is it? Oh, wait, no. Okay. Yeah. Crash Bandicoot 2 is coming, I think. That should be good. What year is it? Oh, wait. Oh, no. This is the famous year where PlayStation exists in Harry Potter, but not in real life.

Hey, Hermione, check this. And you pull out of your top jacket pocket, like a folded up piece of newspaper that says PlayStation announced. This is fucked. Why? In my timeline, this doesn't come out till next year. Your timeline? Dudley broke one.

And I don't understand because like at that point in the 90s, in my time, you couldn't even buy one unless you lived in Japan and were like rich because I think you could probably buy like a prototype. But, you know. Do you mean Harry Potter's brother? What? Yeah. Dudley Dursley. How do you know. Do you mean Harry Potter's brother? What? Yeah. Dudley Dursley.

How do you know about him? Brother or whatever. He's got the pigtail and shit, whatever. Remember that house elf? How are we going to get out of this box? Oh, actually, maybe Hermione doesn't start spew because she's like, house elves have it fine. I was in a box full of shit and piss.

Yeah, that is bad. That's bad for Hermione. And although in some ways I was in a box full of shit and piss. Yeah, that is bad. That's bad for Hermione. And although in some ways, me being in that box and getting her locked in there saves her in some ways because she doesn't get put at the bottom of that lake. Hey, that's true. Maybe the Tribes of Tournament gets called off

because it's far worse this year. They're like, we'll do it next year. Oh, fuck. Well, if it gets called off, then I save the day That's true It doesn't have to get called off to save the day You've already done it

Because if everything is being revealed at the lake Then everyone's like Okay Let's just time out Time out and the try was a cop man What the fuck is happening So old mate here was actually that guy. That guy was in the bottom of a lake?

No, he was in a shit crate. Okay. Most of our teaching staff also in a shit crate. He's killed his dad. He's a bone or something. I've got that over here. Yeah. And we're pretty sure he's responsible for putting Harry Potter's name in the Triwizard Cup.

And we're pretty sure he's a Death Eater. So something sus is going on is all I'm saying. Triwizard cancelled. When I turn into David Tennant, well, the fake me turns into David Tennant, and then he would still get to spout his worst delivered line in the entire Harry Potter cinematic universe. I'll show you yours

if you show me mine or you know the right way to say that you know i'll show you mine if you show me yours and then lifting up his sleeve to reveal the death eater tattoo at that point i run up behind him and punch him in the back of the head yet again cunt stay down also that's that that second punch was because of that line. I don't care about what you're doing or saying. That just sucked to hear. I've got nothing against the Death Eaters, dude. Just shut up.

Anyway, I need to go have a shower. My asshole is filthy. Okay, so I guess you got that to beat, Jack. Okay, great. Well, I think that I would misinterpret it as I would not hear the first part, maybe because I'm not going deaf from all the butter I've eaten, and I would only hear the dark arts,

and so I would try and teach kids the dark arts. Devil worship, I suppose. I imagine that you're then picking first year, and Voldemort's like, hey, stick me to the back of your head, and you're like, no. Be on one of my arse cheeks or something. No, stick you right on my belly. Blip!

And then I'm going to get my t-shirt and I'm going to cut a hole for you. We'll feed you. I'll feed you, dude. Crackers. What do you like? Crackers? Grapes?

Cheese? Cheese and grapes? It's good to imagine just me sitting next to Harry Potter on the Hogwarts Express, just popping grapes in my belly. Hey, Harry Potter. Hey, Harry Potter. My God hates you.

He keeps talking shit about you. I don't get it. Do you know him? Is that a face on your stomach? Yeah, dude, this is what being a wizard is all about. You'll get one soon, too, maybe. You'll get one soon. I prayed to that Satan guy and that got me a belly boy.

You excited to learn how to worship the devil this year, Harry Potter? Because I'm going to teach that. Whoever finishes top of my class gets to put their head in my guts mouth. Yeah. See what's in there. You want to feed it a grape? I'll let you feed it a grape. You can put lipstick on him and there's nothing

he can do he's got no arms yeah you wanna make him pretty you can it's great to imagine that scene in the first movie or the first book where Hagrid takes Harry Ron and Hermione into the forest and there's Quirrell but like he's

drinking the unicorn blood through the back of his head but I just have my stomach on the unicorn stomach. And Harry's like, is he fucking that unicorn, Hagrid? I don't know, children. Look away. I'm not fucking it. I'm not fucking the dead unicorn. My stomach's eating it.

If I was fucking it, it would look like this. And then you can just start humping. See, I wasn't humping. Yeah, all of the... I know there's like white stains on my robe, but that's where the blood dripped out onto my pants it's not jizz and i'm chasing them through the forest notice that my pants are done up and they don't have a fly i couldn't even feasibly be fucking it i don't even have a boner right now unirrect flaccid baby check, check it. Check, come on.

Look, I'll level with you. Did I want to fuck that unicorn? Yes. It wasn't a no. I wanted to, but my belly boy, he wanted to drink it. Hagrid, come, I'll show you how flaccid I am. Hagrid, I'll prove it. No need.

All right. I'm off the hook. Anyway, I'm off. Okay. And then in class, obviously, I teach the children how to worship the devil. So I draw a pentagram on the ground. I chant some, you know, some arcane gibberish because I don't know the right words. And then we wait.

And when the devil doesn't appear, I'm always like, huh, that's weird. Maybe next week. All right, kids. that was about 10 minutes you can take the rest of the class off i'm gonna stand here smoke cigarettes and try and figure out why the devil didn't appear hmm do you kids know maybe i needed to do those sticks to give us one i am a wizard i just left my wand on a bus i left i remembered my briefcase though but unfortunately it's just got a sandwich in it and the sandwich fell apart inside the briefcase and i opened it up and they're like it's been a month yeah it's off dude i don't like opening up the briefcase, but I had to prove it to you. Clean your briefcase, sir.

No. Then I'll lock it up. All right. So you've got Voldemort on your belly. Everyone knows you have a boy on your belly. Not shy about it. Hello, Dumbledore. What's that?

Oh, some guy. I feel like that's going to be investigated pretty quick. You can't hear him because he's whispering into your shirt. I don't know what he's saying in there. I know he's most vocal when I shower because he gets soap in his

eyes and he cries. He's upset about it and see his nose just lifting up my shirt shirt just holes so the soap goes right in stop revealing me jackson no what huh hold on i have to have a conversation just like curling around talking do you have a mirror i can talk you know how sometimes you can look at your genitals with a mirror to check everything's okay? I want to do that for my belly. And then Dumbledore's like, that's Voldemort. A normal mirror.

Who? This is a guy I met at the pub or whatever. Met him on the bus on the way in. Yeah, I took the bus. Hey, that actually reminds me, can I get a rebate for the bus ticket? Can I claim it

on a working expense? Dumbledore being like, what bus? Well, I got a bus to a village about maybe 20 miles from here and I walked the rest of the way. This sandwich, and I opened up my briefcase, it's so mouldy in there, close it again, that was going to be my lunch, but I

forgot, I got lost, and so I haven't eaten it yet i wore it won't eat it you got lost you forgot it how do you have it now well no i found it again see you know how i was a day late and i missed the opening ceremony that's because i lost the briefcase when i sat down near a brook and then about maybe two or three hours later i was like where did i put that i'm hungry now and then i went back to find it and then i fell two or three hours later, I was like, where did I put that? I'm hungry now. And then I went back to find it and then I fell in the brook,

which is why I was wet when I did arrive. Very wet, yes. Yeah, and then I fell in the brook and then I had to dry out so you can understand why I was so late. Mr. Bailey, but you were wet when you arrived. It was a second brook. Well, the second one was more like a creek I thought I could jump.

And guess what? Did you jump it? You couldn't jump it. Well, I was wet when I arrived. I'm not engaging. Mr. Bailey, you have a Voldemort on your belly. A Voldemort? I call it a face.

I call him my tummy fella. But, yeah, whatever. Dumbledore being like, he's no good, Jackson. He's the most evil wizard who ever lived. I'm like, oh yeah, and then just punch myself in the stomach. He won't be a problem anymore. I'll take care of him.

Oof! Mr. Bailey, please. Professor Snape. Oh! I'm bruising! It's good to imagine Voldemort with two black eyes on my belly. Is he dead? So, can you get surgery for that?

Maybe. Madame Pumphrey surely can just, like, slice him off and hang him up to dry or whatever and I can go back to teaching class. Yeah, then I'll put him in a jar or something. Sorry, missed a few classes, class. I'm back to teaching class. Yeah, then I'll put him in a jar or something. Sorry, there's a few classes. Class, I'm back now. Did the devil turn up?

Did he ever arrive? Anyone figure it out? Where is everyone? There's just like Hermione and one other kid. Oh, yeah. Do you guys have devils? Is the devil real? You're witches, right? Are you qualified to teach this?

Just like kicking my feet up on the desk. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Left my wand on a bus. Did I say that? I think you're getting about as fired as me. I caught Voldemort, though. No, you didn't. You brought Voldemort, though. No, you didn't. You brought Voldemort.

Different thing. Mr. Bailey, you brought Voldemort into our school. A wizard we thought was dead. You brought it into our school. Well, I didn't know that's who he was. I thought he was just a cool guy. And you've spent the rest of... Apart from that, you've spent the rest of the school year trying to summon...

I just want to check my notes. Satan. Yeah. Yeah't work though so can't be blamed yes it's good to imagine that i get to put a bit in the uh uh where they're keeping the philosopher's stone you know how every every teacher got to add a challenge i just put maybe another uh, what do you call it? What's the pentagram on the floor? Well, the devil will come out and get Harry and his friends. So, God, I'm good. I like that they're like, hey, yeah, do you want to just go through and pick a room to set a trap? And you're like, oh, yeah.

And your stomach's like, take me further, take me further. And you're like, nah. We'll do the first room. Damn it. I think nah. Nah, dude. We'll do the first room. Damn it. I think we're going to put a big dog in the first room. Oh, well, you've taken care of it then. Maybe. Yeah.

Maybe. I'll kick it sweet over here. Maybe you can put like, I don't know, like a room and then there's like a finger trap. Yeah. Like you just put a sign saying sweet stuff inside it'll work a thing that always gets me

is if I see like a muffin I like have to eat it so like we could put a muffin in there and fill it with a poison that makes you throw up your guts and shit yourself to death if there is one so we could do that what about if we just like

we put like a $20 note but I wipe my ass with it first and then when they pick it up they realise that it smells bad and then they realise there's got a bit of human shit on it and they're like oh I don't want to be here anymore I want to wash my hands and they've got to go all the way back to wash their hands

I get that it'll cost us 20 bucks but we will set a camera up as well it'll be priceless we can wash the 20 bucks afterwards so we we're not really using it up we're not spending it really yeah it's still good i mean is what i mean you're fired you're so fired you're fired beyond belief. Which way is out again? Is there a bus I can catch? It's great to imagine just at the exit of Hogwarts, just looking out into the wilderness. And I'm like, well, just like with my hand. I reckon this way is to the bus stop.

Okay. So long, everyone. Walk straight into the Forbidden Forest. Ate by spiders. Have a good night. Have a good one. Or walk directly into the moat. Have a good night! Have a good one! Or walk directly into the moat.

Into the lake. That's the curse. The sandwich floats back to the top. Oh no! I was gonna eat that on the way home! Drowned. And then in your year, as your shit crate falls down, my body floats up. Having finally become filled with enough gas,

it's floating to the top. Oh, my God. There's that previous teacher. Oh, my God. This man's covered in his own waste. Oh, wow. What a day. So all in all, I think we all did pretty well i agree i think we performed

admirably yeah we avoided the curse that's for sure yeah definitely none of us i mean it was all our own fault you know none of us were good teachers of course we did we got fired blaming a curse that's you know that's just not the case yeah a shitty tradesman always blames his tools and a bad teacher always blames his curse that's what i've always said but we're good teachers so we just blame ourselves yeah exactly that was my fault yeah yeah it was my fault yeah and i i don't know if it was my fault it was you were sort of a victim of circumstance, let's be honest. It's kind of hard to tell. I was definitely at least a bit there, though, and that's pretty good.

Got a great story. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. See you at Hogwarts. Well, not us, but... Class dismissed. Thanks for listening.

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