Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Train a Dragon?

Episode Date: October 28, 2018

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of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, how would you train a dragon? You've got to pick the dragon. Yeah, pick your dragon and tell us how you'd train it. All right, calm down. No, I'm in a hurry. I'm in a huff.

I've been stomping around the studio all day, churning my brain. Churning your brain. Trying to fucking think about how I would train a dragon. Now it's finally time to answer the damn question. And you're holding us up, Jack. The luck dragon from NeverEnding Story. Your hand is my dragon. And you're holding us up, Jack. The luck dragon from Neverending Story. Yeah. And how would you train it? He's got big human

lips. He does. He's long. He's got whiskers. Why are lips a positive for you? They're not a negative. Were they just something you wanted to state? Yeah, they're just something I wanted to point out. Are you going to train it so it gives you kisses? It's got to. If the Lark Dragon

gave me kisses, it'd eat my head. It's huge. But human lips. But it just... I just wanted the people to know that it has human lips. Okay. Well, wait, what are we training the dragon for? I don't know. Discipline? Yeah. Yeah. You gotta, I don't know, uh,

what do dragons want to do? Let a dragon want to know. You know what? to do? What do dragons want to do? You know what? Look, we're early in the episode. We can still set the rules. The listeners haven't noticed yet. How about this? What dragon?

You've got to train it to not shit inside. You've got to train it to not eat your friends. Sure. And you've got to train it to commit crimes when you ask it to. All right. Those are reasonable things to demand of a dragon. Probably I would go 2-3-1 in how you're going to do it. Not shit inside is easy. Well, that's the one.

That's the last one. Oh, I'll do it first. Alright. Actually, I guess that's I guess the order that I did it was probably the most important order. Alright. How are you teaching Lock Dragon not to shit inside? Hey, Lock Dragon. Yes, Jackson? Please don't shit inside. Oh, that's fair enough.

No can do, Jackson. But how will I use a toilet? Well, you just shit outside. I don't shit inside Oh that's fair enough No can do Jackson But how will I use a toilet Well you just shit outside I don't know fly up high And shit in the sea What about the casualties Jackson Well shit in the ocean the casualties will be fish We're the fisher But I need a closed door

Jackson what about my Innocence My impotence Either one was weird Jackson, what about my innocence? My impotence? Are you going to say impotence? Either one was weird. I said innocence, but I meant shame. Is he shitting? Wait, is he shitting in the toilet?

Yeah. That's fine. Then I don't. That's okay. If your dog shat in the toilet, okay. Right. That's a win. If my like dragon is shitting in the toilet, I do nothing.

If it's shitting in the carpet, I'm like, hey, I don't know if you know this, but that's fucking disgusting. And then fucking hopefully it doesn't shit in the carpet. The light dragon's just a guy. Okay. As for training him to do crimes, the light dragon from memory seems pretty willing to fight those two bullies of Moonchild. No, not Moonchild. Artanis. What's the name of the kid?

Atreyu! No, that's the guy in Fantasyland. What's the name of the kid? A treyu! No, that's the guy in Fantasyland. What's the guy in real world? Yeah, I know he is a treyu in the Swamps of Sadness or whatever. Whatever, Mortimer, let's call him. All right, let's call him Mortimer. The Lock Dragon's very willing to be like, yeah, let's enter your realm, Mortimer,

and fucking swoop on these bullies. Did the Neverending story get a sequel? Yeah, it got four. Oh, that's good. It's not. They're bad. And the never ending story is also bad. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm here to tell you that movie sucks balls.

The climax of that movie is the protagonist yelling, Moon Child! Out a window. And that saves the magic land from the nothing coming. His name was Bastion. Of course it was Bastion, yeah. So if I was like, luck dragon, fucking eat this cunt, but not my friends,

because that's another thing I've got to train you for, he wouldn't. I guess you can talk to him, and that makes it helpful. Infinitely easier. The problem with the luck dragon is that the luck dragon, like, he's got his own shit

that he wants to take care of. Is the luck dragon naturally good, though? Yeah. Or is he just lucky? Well, no, because at the Luck Dragon, like, he's got his own shit that he wants to take care of. Is the Luck Dragon naturally good, though? Yeah. Or is he just lucky? Well, no, because at the end of... I don't know why he's called a Luck Dragon, because he's not that lucky. But at the end of the Never...

Well, I think a Luck Dragon maybe is something from, like, a mythology. I'm not sure. But at the end of that movie, Bastion rides the Luck Dragon down an alleyway where the bullies that bullied him earlier are, and he laughs like a maniac as the Luck Dragon terrifies those children the luck dragon loves it exactly the luck dragon is like fear my human lips mortals and they flee from him that's a very famous quote from that film

yeah i'm trying to think of like i just googled what are the powers of a luck dragon um luck fire breathing symbolize potent and- Luck. Dragon. Spacious powers. Spacious powers. Or spacious. Or specious. Or specious? Yeah.

What's that word mean? It means like they're reverent. Like these are not like impressive. It's like, whoa, that's special, kind of, is the best way I can describe it. Well, control over water, rainfall, typhoons, and floods. Cool. And they're a power of strength and good luck. If the crime I wanted to commit is flooding, say, a church or a school, I can do that.

Well, you know, like, you're an old-timey, like, baron in, like, wild, wild west times. You know, like, your brother were out there. Yep. And you're like, I want to flood this town. I want to flood the valley. Yeah. Then I can. The question was not what crimes could you commit with your dragon.

But it's nice to know that that's in my repertoire. I mean, chances are you're given a dragon to train 45 minutes you're committing crimes. After you nail not shitting inside. Hey, don't shit. Of course, cool. Time to flood a house. Yeah, right. You ever flooded a church? Why would we do. Hey, don't shit. Of course, cool. Time to flood a house. Yeah, right. You ever flooded a church?

Why would we do that? I don't know. I hate things being dry. What about one of them evil churches? Yeah. What do you mean? I don't know. I'm just trying to convince you.

Will you do it? Huh? Yes. Perfect. This is good for me. Yeah. So I think in a way I've cheated by choosing a dragon. But, well, okay, actually, see, the luck dragon is only really willing to help Atreu

because Atreu has a powerful destiny. Under what circumstances did I acquire this dragon? I figured you would have just been walking along a valley and you saw him having a snooze. Okay, well, in that case, I have to convince the luck dragon that I have a powerful destiny to save the never-ending land. I don't know what the place in the never-ending story is called. And then hopefully he believes me and then I can train him. Because beforehand, if I'm like, hey, luck dragon, fucking flood this valley. All right.

How about this? There's got to be some level of training. He doesn't want to do it He doesn't want to help you Yeah well he wouldn't Because I'm not the hero of destiny Falkor is his name Falkor that's right

Fucking hell Because Falkor he's like Oh I'll help you Atro The best part about this whole choice of dragon Is all the fucking never ending story names What's the name of the princess? The childlike princess? I know the land is Fantasia

Yeah that's right The childlike princess I think is the princess I think it the princess the childlike princess the land is fantasia yeah that's right the childlike princess i think it's the princess i think it is just so childlike princess falcor wants to help atreyu because atreyu is going to save fantasia from the nothing and has been given the destiny by the childlike as someone who hasn't seen the never-ending story this is literally just nonsense you're just saying made-up things i know Atreyu's a thing because that's also a band name. Unfortunately the rest aren't. No. So you're completely out of your depth. I'm looking at a little

bit of Falco's wiki. His first thing is a quote by him which says never give up and good luck will find you. I feel at this point Falco might be training you. I just feel like me and Falco have very different morals. He's going to be training you to not be a piece of shit. He's very optimistic.

He'll be like, don't shit inside. He'll be like, don't piss outside. Pissing out a window is fine. You live in a garage, Jackson. Get your life sorted. No. I'm happy where I am. I'm happy here.

Flood that church. I really don't see how this is going to help us save Fantasia. Flood. What? That. Fucking. Church. You.

Dragon. Fuck. Every word is punctuated by a punch in the back of the head. I imagine he's slapping your belly while he's saying it. You slap your belly punch him in the back of his head. Flood! Poof! That!

Poof! Jackson, why are you such an unpleasant man, goblin beast? I don't know. You've got human lips. You can't talk. Yeah, so look, I guess the problem there is that, you know, I'm an awful creature and Valkor is innately good. Yeah.

So that's a bit of a struggle. But all that takes is a lot of good lies. Falkor's very optimistic and trusting. So if I'm like, no, I'm a good guy, we've got to flood this school for positive, Fantasia-focused reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to defeat the nothing.

Yeah, we've got to defeat the nothing, man. Yeah. It's coming. You want to defeat the nothing? I guess. Yeah, flood this church. Better flood the school, man. You've got to do the nothing. Yeah, we've got to defeat the nothing, man. It's coming. You want to defeat the nothing? I guess. Yeah, flood this church. Better flood the school, man. You've got to do three things for me.

Not kill my friends, but that's a whatever. You've got to flood this church and not shit inside. Do you reckon you can handle that? I wasn't going to shit inside. Good. Pass the test. All right. I will shit inside.

Just letting you know Falcor Why aren't you a falcon You should be called drag Why aren't you a jack That's the dumbest That's one of the dumbest things I feel you've ever said in your life Well it's something I feel very strongly about Falcor's a falcon's name

I don't care who you are. You've called your dog Whiskey. I didn't name Whiskey. He came like that. I mean, I guess. What would your name it? Put our old dog Follow because he followed us. Did you name him that?

I've righted it, actually. I've never named an animal in my life. It's almost like you'd be bad at it. You'd be like Dog Cor. Dog Cor. Dog-ore. Dog-ore. He's only named Drag-core because he's otherwise named Fal-core. There's a certain logic

to that. Not eating my friends is easy because I don't think Fal-core's going to do it anyway. The only thing that's going to be hard is training him to commit crimes. But I think I can do that. Well, you're meant to train him to not commit crimes, but you personally want to commit crimes because you're not a good person oh i thought we're training him to commit yeah i you said commit crime yeah you said get him to commit crimes if you want him to

yeah didn't i say to commit crimes in your name i can't remember do you know do fight i can't even remember it was too long ago inside commit crime no it was don't shoot inside don't kill your friends don't eat your friends and it was and commit crimes if you want don't shit inside don't kill your friends don't eat your friends and commit crimes and commit crimes if you want to if only there was some way for us or the listeners

to check back us up listeners Dushan wants the dragons to commit crimes I'm just trying to acquiesce to his request I'm happy with committing crimes I'll commit crimes

I just don't remember saying it but that could just be the brain injury I'm nursing maybe maybe we did this episode Dushan has rebar through his skull

i was working on the railroad and there was an explosion and a thing went through it was at a 1920s railroad and there was a dynamite explosion like the idea of you being like no no guys i'm good to record we're like we gotta get you to a hospital no no no go go go record which felt cool because again he's very optimistic and very trust trusting but if you're like here's my mate he's part of enough. Would you be like, I'm going to eat it? Why would I say that? He's a goof.

I mean, yes, probably. But I just, if given that opportunity, I wouldn't do it. All right. I think what's going to- Sorry. Sorry. Maybe I'll rephrase. Knowing you and your company, wouldn't some of your friends be the nothing or gmork well

i don't know who is gmork the werewolf boy he'd be your number one friend he'd be your adam i love gmork well apparently he's just one of falcor's foes morky porky pudding and pie well if he's the werewolf that guy's he's got some big ideas i don't know if i want to be around him what type of big ideas he just like there's a moment in that movie where Atreyu fights the werewolf, and the werewolf has this big speech, and it's a whole thing. Watch the movie. No. I feel like the never-ending story boat has sailed for me.

As sad as that is, there's just some movies I'm never going to watch. You're never going back. Never-ending story. Can I sell this movie if I'm going to say you do see a horse that dies? Yeah, it's the best bit. His horse drowns in a swamp. Hilarious. I've seen that scene.

A tree. No, that's not what he says. That's his name. My horse. I am a tree. You. This is my dead horse! Drowning horse!

This swamp is the swamp of sadness! This is sad! It was the swamp of sorrows, wasn't it? Maybe. That seems like a weird thing to fucking correct him on. I always get the swamp of sadness and the swamp of anuses and farts from the labyrinth confused. You know there's that fart swamp in the labyrinth? I always get that part mixed up with the swamp of anuses and farts from the labyrinth confused. You know there's that fart swamp in the labyrinth?

I always get that part mixed up with the swamp of sadness. Another problem with having Falkor as my dragon to train is that eventually Falkor will clue in to the fact that I'm not trying to defeat the nothing when I'm just sitting doing nothing, and he's like, are we going to get on it, Jackson? I'll be like, oh, yeah oh yeah sometime and then he'll leave yeah i do feel the the uh the odds of someone befriending falco and then them chasing you down an alleyway while both of them laugh is quite high i'm absolutely

the guy that would put bastion in a bin at the beginning of the never-ending story i mean he's just got such a binnable face. Well, he's, you know, what a loser. He goes and hangs out in the library as imagination adventures. Nah, you're alright, Bastion. Don't scream moon child out a window. That's lame as hell.

Imagine him doing that and you're just walking underneath and a kid opens a window and he's, moon child! What? Oi! Shut up! Are you talking to me? My name's Joel. No, I was talking to the people of Fantasia. I wasn't talking to you. What's Fantasia?

I'm coming up there. That's a movie. How'd you know about Fantasia? I just yelled out Moonchild. What? Who? This conversation's very confusing.'m coming up where are you in the attic i'm gonna come to you you stay there no all right what i wasn't talking to you moon child what the fuck what are you talking about who's that why are you yelling at me? This book about this guy and he knows I'm reading the book? What are you saying?

This book? I'm going to read this book. Just lock it out the window. This is a shit book. Books are for nerd, kid. Out the window. Yeah, listen to this Black Sabbath CD instead. Now wear this leather jacket.

See how cool you are? Borrow my sunglasses. And my cigarettes. Here's my shoes. Off into the world with you, kid. Now you're cool. Now none of this moon child or sugar shit. Whatever.

And where's this black dragon? He ain't got punch in his mouth. What did he say? You were saying something about a dragon? Human lips, you said? Yeah. Kissable, you said? Yeah, so look, there are a lot of issues with

trying to train a life dragon. Not impossible, though. No, not impossible. He's sentient. I think you've gone... I think you've gone down the right path of sentient dragon, easy to train. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I am going to follow in your footsteps,

and I feel like mine is almost just as easy to train. Yeah. I'm going to hit a few different road bubbles I feel like mine is almost just as easy to train. Yeah. I'm going to hit a few different road bubbles. Road bubbles. Yeah, just a couple of road bubbles on the way. Whoa, my car. Why am I driving underwater?

Bowser. Okay. King Cooper. He is a dragon, sort of. I think they call him a dragon turtle. So I think you're right. We'll call Al Al. Yeah, cool.

Yeah. Don't shit inside? Easy? Well, he'll probably be turtle. I think you're right. We'll call Al Al. Yeah, cool. Don't shit inside? Easy? Well, he'll probably be shocked. I don't shit anyway. No one in the Mushroom Kingdom shits. I do not have a nose. Oh, wait.

People must. Mario's a plumber. Yeah, yeah. People shit. Mario fucks and people shit. Those are two very hard- That's life. There's two hard truths in life to follow.

Mario, Fox, people shit. Yeah, if you can get those two down, you're good. I'm assuming Bowser would probably have a toilet in there. Yeah, I'd be like, don't shit inside. He'd be like, what about in my toilet? I'd be like, you know what, that's fine. Yeah, fair. Keep doing that.

Practice good anal hygiene. This is an uncomfortable conversation. Like, to wipe? Yeah. Where is his anus? Well, he's like a turtle. Where's the turtle's anus? It's like underneath his tail.

Surely. Hang on, let me just get into the bowels of mine. I'm imagining he's got a big shell. He's sitting down. Does he have stubby hands? Yeah, he'd have to wipe in a weird way, but he could do it. Wait, does he have cheeks? Does he need to wipe?

Well, maybe he doesn't need to wipe. He just cuts it off like a fucking cigar. Yeah. Cha-ching. That's true. Also, he's a king. He might just have a bidet. I was going to say, get the shy guys to wipe the clean. No, no, no. Maybe he just has a

what do you call the squid guys? Boopers? Bloops? Bloopers? Bloop, yep, yep. I can't just imagine Bowser being just like WIPER! Yeah, well I mean Just sits on a Goomba Well, Medieval Kings, they had

They had Stoolman That was a job A guy wiped your ass So Bowser presumably has a guy to wipe his ass You know, we can be adults about this We can all agree Someone probably wipes Bowser's ass It's probably

Probably not a Goomba I don't imagine. They have no hands. What about a stool, like a mushroom, like a little Toad boy? Well, Toads don't belong to Bowser. It would probably be a Koopa, just a basic Koopa. Just a basic Koopa, you reckon? Yeah, well, Toads, because Toads, I mean, unless it's enslaved,

it wouldn't be there. But a Koopa works very willingly for King Koopa for Bowser. Because why are they singing to Shy Guy? Yeah, but Shy Guys, they tend to just hang out in Yoshi Island. They don't actually work for Bowser. It could be a Cooper. Cooper's got hands. Cooper's got hands.

Cooper's got, you know, a thinking brain. It can wipe Bowser. It can wipe. Yeah, it's quite a prestigious position, actually, Stormin'. That's not even a joke. It shouldn't be. Well, the reason this is- You're the man that gets to touch the King's noose.

No one else gets to touch that king's noose but you You should be fucking like a holy boy Because you spend so much time with the king This is true You'd spend so much time with the king That the king would eventually take you to his inner circle And then you would become like The stallman of the people

Yeah I forget what it is for the life of me But stallman or whatever it was called Is actually It became a word we use now Which means like It's quite prestigious. Shit lickers?

Oh yeah, the shit lickers. The king shit man. Pierce boy? You know how, Dusha had that written on an eraser ready for this moment. I am holding an eraser that says Pierce boy. I know how it got there because I wrote it. Not recently though, which is interesting. That's good. I'm glad it got there because I wrote it. Not recently though,

which is interesting. That's good. I'm glad you saw an opportunity and took it. Yeah, prop comedy during fucking a podcast. But yeah, so look, there's probably a Cooper

that wipes Bowser's ass or anus because you're right, he has no cheeks. He's either got lizard cheeks. Groom of the stool. Yeah, there it is. But I forget what it became.

It was a male servant of the household of an English monarch. No, it's not groom. It became of the stool. Yeah, there it is. But I forget what it became. It was a male servant of the household of an English monarch. No, it's not groom. It became something else. But yeah. Groom of the stool. Because groom, you're already a groom of a thing. That's funny.

Yeah. Bride and groom. But that's... Does he marry the king's anus? In many ways, I think that's how they saw it. Because like, you know. Yeah. But like, so you that's how they saw it. Because, like, you know. Yeah. But, like, so you presumably got a cooper doing that.

They were sons of noblemen. Imagine that, being like, oh, papa, what do you think I should do? Wipe in the king's ass, son. Oh. Fuck yeah. Yay. Can't wait. You presumably.

Maybe you had to wipe it forever. That sucks. That is a prized position. Like I said, it was prestigious to be the... As it allowed, you know, one unobstructed access to the king's attention. Yeah. So while, you know... While you're wiping, you're like, hey, I just...

Like, I would love some land and a duchy if that's cool. What do you think about, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the king's like, yeah, all right, whatever. Cool. God, I hate talking to my groom of the stool. Do you reckon kings gathered together and talked about it? They were like, God, how awkward is it when you're just sitting there, your groom of the stool is wiping away and he won't just shut up?

Do you reckon he's there, like, while the process of shitting is happening? Yeah. Like, he's just standing there next to him being like, I am a lord? Yeah. Or is he being like, just waiting for the king to be like, hey, you can come in now. I imagine,

and this is almost definitely wrong, that he's in the toilet. Under the king's mighty behind. Just puts a hand up when he's nothing. And wipes the king like that. Oh, actually, to be honest, Bowser probably shits into one of those green pipes. Yeah, that's true.

Mario goes down one and instead of coins, it's just shits. Worse than this. Mama mia. So Bowser not shitting inside. Easy. Not shitting inside on the floor. Yeah, not doing dog shits. Don't shit on the floor.

Don't shit on the floor. Not killing my friends, pretty easy. Got none. Too busy. That's true. Friendships for cowards. Can I eat this guy? That's just Jackson.

Sure. Whatever. Wait. How are your podcasts, Bowser? Because that's kind of a source of income for me. So if you're going to eat that guy, that's fine. But you've got to be ready to step up to the plate. But if you're paying me, then what else?

There's coins in all of these blocks. Just have at them. Can you just break them for me? Because my head is human skull and flesh. Some of these Goombas have coins in them if you want to stomp on them. I'll bet you're... Much like Bowser, much like myself, Bowser also has no time for friends absolutely just his friendship is for cowards i want that on a t-shirt a long sleeve t that just says friendship is for

cowards and then a picture of a dog i just had no idea what it was gonna be me neither and i was saying the sentence so imagine how i. I'm glad with what we ended up with. It was incredibly anticlimactic. I should have really had a picture of Bowser, I guess. That's what you need. Yeah. Alright, well, not eating your friends easy. You got none. Plus, Bowser just doesn't eat

people. No, he's a fire breather. Yeah, he might, like, you know, char them to a crisp. Well, he can't, as we previously established. And getting him to commit crimes for me. He's already committing them. But he's not committing them for you. I think that's the hardest one. Bowser.

Good point. Bowser, instead of kidnapping that princess, just for a second, you just burn down this village. Is there a princess there? If you can get him to burn it down in the process of collecting peach and text, sorry, princess peach. It's like calling Queen Elizabeth. Don't do that. Then I think- We call her Lizzie.

Yeah, well, we should. Well, if we get Peachy, maybe you have to kidnap Princess Peach and put her in somewhere that you want, say, Bowser to- To destroy? It's a bit more work, a bit more legwork on your part. It's a bit of training because what you're going to have to have is either Peach or a kind of, I don't know,

some kind of simile of Peach. Yeah. So it'd be like, that's how you train Bowser. Yeah, Daisy is an option. That is an option. Just a woman in a pink dress. Yeah. Easy.

Super easy to come by. Yeah. Hard, though, because you've got no friends. Yeah. Fuck. I knew that that would blow up in my face come back to bite you absolutely yeah yeah what crimes do you need committed this is a good question shoplifting tax fraud yeah like what what do you like white collar crimes what crime are you not doing that you would like to do well that's true i true. I mean, like, what crimes are you doing that you'd like to- Oh, murder.

No, I was flooding the church. Flooding churches. Bowser, can you always evaporate that water that's heading towards the church? It's not a crime. I'm just petty and want to see my former friend fail at his task. Man. Also, while you're at it, can you burn that guy? It's so steamy now

Then I try and take off my shirt But it takes a long time And your glasses are fogged up And hopefully you fall off the dragon And maybe break your neck and die In my mind I was just on the ground I did try and trip over a rock I was on a magic

Fucking what's going on Oh never mind He killed himself Anyway That's good That was easy over a rock. I was like, I can't imagine. Fucking, what's going on? Oh, nevermind. He killed himself anyway. That's good. He's clumsy, you shit. That was easy.

Bowser, you're a good dragon. Yeah. There's rules. I think Bowser's good, but the problem is going to be that he's got

his own shit going on. He's got his own agenda. Yeah, absolutely. So there's a luck dragon, though. Well, the luck dragon does,

but like, I have accepted that I'm tricking the lock dragon. Yeah, I'm just, like, hoping that Bowser's petty enough to help me. Surely he has downtime. Like, are there times where the villain in a Mario game is not Bowser? I don't know. Maybe.

But let's just have a quick word from our sponsors. Or not. Also, tickets to our D&D East Coast of Australia tour are still on sale. So just head to sanspansradio.com slash live to check out the details. Oh, and for those wanting to listen to the episodes we recorded on the Get Cooked tour, you can have a listen to them on a USB tape. Just head to audiobooksontape.com and grab your copy today. So yeah, times when Bowser wasn't the villain?

Uh, yes. Mario 2. Super Mario Sunshine. Oh yeah, Super Mario, no, that's still Bowser. It's Bowser Jr. Yeah, but it's not Bowser. He's. Super Mario Sunshine. Oh, yeah. Super Mario. No, that's still Bowser. It's Bowser Jr. Yeah, but it's not Bowser. He's there at the end.

That's true. Yeah. No, Super Mario 2, the villain is a wart who's an evil alien. And Super Mario, the golden coins, it's Wario. Yeah. So while that's happening, you could go and get Bowser. It's like, I'm not doing anything. Donkey Kong is the bad guy sometimes. Yeah, that's true.

Bring back that rivalry. I want a new Super Mario game to come out where you get to find a boss and it's DK. You know what I love? Total aside. So there was Super Mario, the six golden coins, right? And the plot of that is that Wario steals Mario's castle, right? That is the plot.

Mario gets his castle back. Wario Land 2, the part is that wario doesn't have a castle anymore and he's gotta get a castle from his villain who i wish would come back into the games prince uh captain syrup who's this lady pirate that always steals wario's things that's funny it's incredible wario's is like god damn, I have no castle anymore because Mario took it. I had a good one. I had a good castle. Now I need to get a new one.

Yeah. So, in that downtime, though. Oh, yeah. And I reckon a good way of training Bowser is like, you know, dolls made up of Princess Peach. Yeah. Yeah. What's weird about Bowser is that at times he has a very, like, normal personality, but then other times he's like a monster. Yeah.

I do like the idea of, like, hey, you know, Bowser, go fetch, and you just throw a, like, princess peach doll, and he chases it. Well, Bowser's more like a monster before I trained him, and now he's more like a guy when I do train him. That's true. Yeah. I like the Mario Party Bowser that's just like, I am here to ruin your day.

Yeah. He's like a dick. He's like the friend you have that's a dick, but he's still a friend. You know what I mean? Well, in Mario Party, he doesn't ever help you. No, but sometimes he's like his own guy. Yeah, and because you have no friends,

you could also teach Bowser how to not have friends. Yeah, exactly. And that's just a bigger dick. I'll be like, hey, see these two fellas that are like Mario and Luigi, but fucked? You don't need them. Look at them. One rides a motorbike one's wrong.

Actually, I take that back. They're both wrong. For a second, for a very brief second I thought you were talking about me and Zam. I was like, what? I guess like, yeah Mario. Okay, I guess. And then you're like, one rides a motorbike and I'm like, what? One's wrong. Which one?

Jackson's both Wario and Waluigi, though. That is the struggle. Yeah. So I think it's weird that you didn't have any friends, but now with Bowser you have a friend, but now you've got to stop Bowser from bird-eating himself. Which is pretty easy to do. I don't think that's ever been a struggle of him chasing his own tail.

I don't think there's ever been a moment where Mario's his own tail I don't think there's ever been a moment where Mario's reached Bowser and Bowser's like Om nom nom Ultimate power play though I guess I just I believe you are a roborossing yourself Just like get a pitch I suppose That was weird

That would be unsatisfying I wish I could see that in real life. Not in real life. Not in real life. In like a movie or something. Like where there's like a big build up to the bad guy and then the bad guy just kills himself. But I've seen a movie where that happens. But it's so much worse in a video game if Bowser eats himself because you're waiting for that fight. It just never comes.

Om nom nom nom nom. And then he's back at world 1-1. Bowserus. Twizz. Oh my god. Mario's rescuing bitch gets got from behind. That's great. Sneak.

Bowser, come on, mate. I'll teach him these tricks. Look, if you can get to your own castle at the end without losing any lives, wait for Mario, jump off the bridge on purpose, sneak up behind him. With a brick. Got him. Back there. You can kill him.

He's just a man. He's just an Italian man. Italian man with a thick skull. You're a powerful, fat lizard. Come on. Buff. Buff lizard. I'm sorry.

He's not fat. He's in shape. Yeah. So, look. Good choice. Great choice. Complicated, but doable now i know complex i like that we've all gone for sentient dragons yeah because i too have gone for a sentient dragon

the red dragon francis dollahart a serial killer i say funnily enough gonna struggle with something that me and jack Jackson cleared quite easily. Yeah, that's interesting. So, cool, not shitting inside. He's our man. He's a man. He'll shit inside, but not on the floor like a dog. We can skip over that.

What else? Not eating your friends. Ah, shit. Because that's something that he... All cannibals in Hannibal... He's not a cannibal. He just might kill my friends. Okay. Well, does that...

Do you get a pass then? If he kills us but doesn't eat us, are you like, well, still technically good? I mean, it might cost me a lot of money. Why is it costing you money? Because I might have to promise him... Did you put money on this?

No, like... As a way to train... There's a gambling ring attached to plumbing the death star. Because as a way to train him,'s no gambling ring attached to plumbing the death star. Because, like, as a way to train him, I feel like I'd have to offer him expensive paintings for him to eat. Okay. Which is going to be quite pricey.

So, look, I'm not a man who... He eats paintings? He eats paintings? Yes, he eats. Why? To what end? To get, like, well, he's obsessed with... He loves the taste of paint.

Yeah, he's obsessed with... Paintings. What's his name? Eating. Eating paper. He's obsessed with... Paintings. What's his name? Eating. Eating paper. He's obsessed with eating paintings. William Blake's painting of the Great Red Dragon. So he only eats that painting?

And the woman clothed in sun. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Does he just eat copies of the painting? Can he print off paintings? I mean, if you have a full sheet of paper... He ate the original. Well, that's a stupid move.

Yeah, okay, he got dumb. Because he wants it to be inside him. Yeah, but now he's not very smart. Let's go back to point one. Yeah. He shits. Yeah. So he shut out the painting.

Yes. He ate his own shit. Well, he took some of the nutrients of the painting. Yeah, but he ate his own shit, so it stayed back in him. Or did he just decide after he ate the painting not to shit? Well, when he consumed the painting, in his head, he would have gotten the power of the dragon. Okay.

But did he shit out the power of the dragon in his head? I would assume no. He would have absorbed it. He would have absorbed those power. Well, then you've just got to get him that painting. So I've just got to maybe do prints of that painting. But he's already eaten the one painting. He's eaten the original.

He doesn't like eating paintings. He likes eating powerful paintings. He does like it. He likes eating more powerful paintings of dragons. After he eats that painting of the original. He doesn't like eating paintings. He likes eating powerful paintings. He does like it. You're going to have to find another powerful painting. He likes eating more powerful paintings of dragons. After he eats that painting of the dragon. What's his MO? Is he done eating dragons? Eating paintings of dragons?

Or is he still hungry for paintings? He seems to be quite obsessed with that particular painting of a dragon. So once he's eaten that painting, he's like, I'm good for paintings. When we meet him, has he already eaten the painting? Depends which part of the movie. Or the novel. What? What?

What? When the film introduces the man, the red dragon fella, has he already eaten the painting? No, it's part of the film. What happens when he eats the painting? He feels like he's more powerful. But is he done eating painting? Well, as we're seen yes however i'm sure if you showed him a pretty picture of a red dragon he

might want to eat it so no point is he like i need more paintings in me that was good it fueled me but i need more it's like i've had enough paintings look yeah rubbing his belly what a delicious painting i'm so glad I ate that one thing. Because, again, look, hey, look, he might be sated. I don't know. I have about as much evidence that he isn't as you do as he is. Because, like, if I'm, like, that one chocolate cake, I really want to eat that chocolate cake.

Yeah. And then I eat that chocolate cake. I'm not going to then eat every other chocolate cake I see. Well, especially if it's,'s like a serial killer compulsion. Even if you're like, I need to kill this one guy. You kill that one guy, you're like... Yeah, I'm done. I'm cured from that itch.

He's got a taste. The same way a shark might acquire the taste for human blood, he's acquired the taste for painting. It is part of his fantasy, and he built himself up, and this was him finally realising that fantasy of eating said painting. So I reckon it might have awakened something. A desire to eat a painting. So he didn't know he wanted to eat the painting at all.

No, he wanted to eat that painting. It was more fantasy. I think it's awakened a desire to eat further paintings. Even more paintings, yes. Take him to an art gallery and I guess see what happens. I reckon. Here's what I say. You just, oh no, you don't want to kill him.

No, never mind. I was like, find a painting and get toxic oil on it. Be like, yeah, delicious. Then he dies. I don't know why I thought we were trying to kill our dragon. It's not how to kill your dragon. How do you train your dragon? Because I'll tell you how to kill a dragon.

Brap, brap, two in the head. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Welcome to the fucking food chain. Absolutely. Welcome dragon dead stab. That's good. That's a reference the dragon won't get and then will die.

Yeah, good. Okay, so expensive paintings. I don't even know why we were talking about that, but good. That's how you train him, to be like, hey, don't eat my mates. Eat this expensive painting. Eat this expensive painting instead. Will he have a grand desire to kill either of us? Do we fit his MO?

No, he kind of mostly likes to kill mothers. Okay, well, I'm not a mother. Yeah, neither of us are clucky, but you know who is clucky? Oh, shit, me. Oh, no. Yeah, that is the struggle. Or if you end up with a girlfriend or wife or partner that gets pregnant. Yeah.

That's why I've got to keep a lot of paintings at hand. So the moment he starts, like, you know, giving his gross mouth to be like, oh, I'm like, hey, pull out a painting. Eat the painting instead. Bad red dragon. Do you see? Do you see? Eat the dragon. He's got more powerful now, though, so I think

that he'll be like... Yeah, did it work? Oh, he thinks it did. He himself thinks he's a very big red dragon. Oh, he thinks he's an actual dragon? He sure does. Yeah, he's gonna eat your pregnant partner. Oh, you think he's an actual dragon? He sure does. Yeah, he's going to eat your pregnant partner. Yeah. Or you.

Or me. Which is why you need to train him hard. Yeah. A lot of paintings. Yeah, but I still... Evidence to me seems to suggest that the painting, he's done. Unless you can find a painting that you can convince him will make him even more powerful.

What if I drew a real good dragon? A bigger redder dragon. Why are you drawing it? Get a professional painter to do another one of that painting and be like, the one you ate wasn't the original, dummy. That's the original. He's a serial killer, so you might hit another hurdle of him being like, you're lying to me.

I'm very meticulous with my things. Is he a clever serial killer or a dumb boy? How does he kill people? A little bit of both. Usually wrap, wrap two in the head. Oh, that's boring. Oh, gone. Yeah, you're in trouble.

And then he, you know, poses them a bit, has sex with the corpse and... Oh, okay. Yeah, you're in real trouble. Yeah, have... Enjoy hell. Shards of glass in their eyes. Yeah.

Mirror, mirror in their eyes. You're having a bad one. Why? So they see him. They're dead. He sees himself transforming into dragon while he. Has sex with him. Yeah.

Yuck. You've got a curious front. My dragon, the worst thing about him was he had big man lips. The worst thing about my dragon is he just keeps kidnapping one lady, but he doesn't seem to have an end goal. He just likes being like, yes, I'm the king now. Now that I think about it, I think maybe eating the painting was his end goal. Yeah.

So I think he's good. So he's good. He'll be like, yes, yes, yes. I'm going to show him a sick drawing of a dragon, and he's just going to shoot through it. And he's just going to maybe bite me. Yeah. Because he's also got a gross teeth sitch going on. Has he got dragon fangs? Kind of bite me. Yeah. Because he's also got, like, a gross, like, teeth sitch going on. Has he got dragon fangs? Kind of.

Okay. Yeah. Like, he was born with, like, a cleft, like, lip and palate, which he just fucking hates. Part of the reason is... But he gets this, like, real gross thing that he puts in there, which is, like, a good bitey mouth. Okay.

Okay, well, so not letting him eat your friends. Is he done killing when he eats the painting? Or has he become more powerful and kills more? He's like, now I can kill real good. He becomes more powerful and wants to kill more. As someone who hasn't seen this film either and has no plan to. Me neither. Red Dragon's not your favourite film?

I'm going to guess that he's dead by the end of the film. Yeah. Is Red Dragon not your favourite film? You guess what? I'm going to guess that he's dead by the end of the film. Yeah. The trick about both Falcor and Bowser is that they are alive. Yeah. Yeah.

So you've got a choice here. You meet him before he eats the painting. Ah. Which is fine. Or you meet a corpse. And then if I know that, because then I can train him to be like, hey, mate, I know you have any- Just tear off bits.

Yeah, tear off bits or get be like, hey, mate, I know you have any- Just tear off bits. I know you have any, hey, tear off bits or get like lesser dragon paintings. Yeah, but is he looking for lesser dragon paintings? Maybe more like a snack. Maybe like this little- How does he die? Someone shoot him? If he gets shot, that is so disappointing. I would not enjoy a serial killer TV show if everyone was just shooting each other.

That's dull as. Yeah, he gets shot in there. Dick. People say Hannibal's exciting. Sounds boring. Everyone's just shooting each other. Where's the etching? In the book, I know he tries to attack Will Graham

and then his wife. He gets stabbed in the face and will fuck up his face. See, that's exciting. But then Will Graham's wife is like... Yeah, Will Graham gets stabbed in the face by my good friend. Empathize with this motherfucker. With my good friend, Red Dragon. But then Will Graham's wife shoots him in the...

I hope in the movie they made him more boring and the guy comes at Will Graham and Will Graham just shoots him. What happens in... Me too. Me too. Make serial killers boring again. Yeah, exactly. Just give me a bloke that just keeps accidentally shooting people.

Accidentally. Whoops. I'm a serial killer not on purpose. Pretty sure both Hannibal and Will Graham kind of joint stab the shit out of the red dragon. See, that's good. Why is Hannibal stabbing people? To eat him?

It's kind of like a little... It's almost like they're making love a little bit. Because they're doing it together by stabbing... Just fuck. I agree, they should. But that's not the point right now. Stop with all this symbolic shit and just fuck. Get your fucking end away.

Yeah. I hate your dragons. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Your your fucking end away. Yeah. Stop killing- I hate your dragons. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Your dragon's just upset. Anyway, doing crimes for you or something. Ah, easy.

Are all your crimes gun related or eating paintings related? Are all your crimes fucking corpses with glass in their eye related? I was going to go for white collar crime and I feel- I just don't think that's his prerogative. I think you picked a serial killer yeah and he was in the military oh yeah no i would say that he probably has ptsd oh yeah i'm glad you brought that up because that makes him even harder to train yeah yes it is he's already like got army training yes and also hey i'm just reading now he uh already got army training. Also, hey, I'm just reading now,

he really got heavily into bodybuilding. Okay. So he's going to be hard to overpower. Yes. Like, real hard. I think me and you are going to arrive at Zammert's and we're going to have our dragons in tow. We're going to be like,

can't wait to see how Zammert's done with... Oh, he's dead. And there's glass in his eye. That's a shame, because I trained my dragon to kill him, because friendship's for cowards. Look at my shirt. I'm going to flood this goddamn valley.

Perfect. Yeah, it was quite hard to train a serial killer. Who knew? Yeah, look, twist for fucking everyone. It's all right. Well, we can perform a fucking cremation on the spot. Yeah, absolutely. No, but that might like cause some problems so thankfully

have a lock dragon to put out that fire yeah steam steam up this house good instead of a cremation just a steaming yeah yeah just your flesh melts away you're a bit soft we're like I guess we did it that's good we are dragon trainers we trained our dragon good Joel Zammett died. Well, I tried to train a dragon.

I had a lot of paintings of powerful, very powerful dragons drawn and painted by me. Yeah. A not very good drawer or painter. We quite worked in your favor. Weird that you were outsmarted by a very clever serial killer and your two good friends. Yeah, who would have thunk it?

You know why? Good friends? I thought you didn't have any. Your good friends. Yeah, who would have thought? You know why? Good friends? I thought you didn't have any. You're good friends. It's just a one-way relationship, mate. People like me, I just don't like them. That's hurtful. Yeah, well, look.

Ask me more questions. I'll say more mean things. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel Dushan. I've never felt a human connection. Love isn't real friendship makes us weaker be a lone wolf

but something that's cooler than a wolf because wolves are lame why is anyone a lone wolf there are no lone wolves a lone wolf will die that's so annoying wolves are pack animals yeah it's so weird

I would like to be a wolf excluded from the rest of the wolves. What animal isn't, like, a pack animal? Joel Duscher, thanks for listening. Yeah, sick puma. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find

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Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.