Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Use an Ape to Solve a Crime?

Episode Date: March 17, 2024

It's a strange day on the force as it's B.Y.O.A. (bring your own ape) to help solve the untimely death of the commissioners son. It looks like foul play but we have Mr Bojangles, the former smoking circus chimp, to help us with the case! From assisting in advanced interrogation techniques, to grooming us during a stake out, to helping prove we're not no cop in highly stressful undercover situations, there's not a single crime an ape wouldn't be useful. Listen in as the boys truely ape out and learn about some of yesteryears favourite ape based tv shows. Jackson believes his orangutang has a process, Zammit wishes he was a baboon boy and JD firmly believes apes has no moral conscience. It's good cop bad ape down at the cop factory, so let's all be glad apes don't have a gun.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. Plumbing the Death Star, as you will find out, is a comedy and pop culture podcast where we ask the important questions. Like, how would you use an ape to solve a crime?

So it's worth noting. Let's get this out the way straight away. Yep. We were like, what do we do today? What question? What did Joel do, Sean? Apropos nothing. Sat back in this chair and I went,

how would you use an ape to solve a crime? And we said, hit. And then Jackson said, and then Jackson said, what? And I said,

you know, like in movies. And then you said, shut up. Save it for the episode. Let's go. So I got a couple of questions. What do you mean?

And what are you saying? Yeah, I have a follow-up question of what? Huh? It's so simple. Okay. Think Turner and Hooch. But Hooch is Coco the gorilla. Think Turner and Hooch, but an ape.

Yeah. Okay, okay. Is it a police ape? Yeah. and Hooch bought an ape. Yeah. Okay, okay. Is it a police ape? Yeah. Hooch is a police dog. Is it a police ape, a detective ape, or just an ape who has, like, I don't know, a chip on his shoulder? Yeah. Okay, so let's say, is Hooch a detective dog?

There is no such thing as a detective dog. Wait, what's that? No, isn't there, like, a German series? Wait, what's that? No, isn't there like a German series? Oh, uh, Inspector Prodge? Rex? No, it can't be Inspector Rex. It is Inspector Rex. It is Inspector Rex. You've got the machine. I've got a big machine in front of me.

Medium machine. It is actually a medium machine. I thought you were just undercutting him there. Big machine, medium. He's Inspector Rex. Is he a detective dog? He's a trained. Is he a detective dog? He's a trained police dog. Okay, but he's not a detective.

A cop who's recently divorced. Sad. And to fill the void, he adopts a police dog who also lost his companion. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. They're fighting each other after such loss. And then solving crimes. Rex has 18 seasons.

Yeah, it's a big show. Damn. Turner and Hooch. Uh-huh. Has like two... Has a movie and a television series. I could not get that out. I was too excited.

Turner and Hooch has one film. No, it's got two films, doesn't it? Turner and Hooch and then Turner and Hooch 2 and then the TV show. I want to say there's two films. There's also K-9 with the worst Belushi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, no. That doesn't help my case.

That doesn't help my case. Can you look up... There's not a sequel to Turner and Hooch, is there? I don't know. I'm looking up what the plot of Turner and Hooch was. A television movie sequel.

Fuck. Yeah, there you go. What about the TV show... Oh, Scott Turner's an investigator. A police investigator. Okay. Okay, to move to apes, what about the TV show where a guy is a trucker

and he has a chimpanzee companion? It might be called... Oh, yeah, go on. Okay, trucker. Red truck. Chimpanzee. Red truck, you said? I would not put red truck in the search term.

It's BJ and the bear? It's BJ and the bear. The chimp's name is maybe Blowjob? I don't know. Or is the chimp the bear? The chimp? That's a chimp. You can't call a chimp a bear.

You can call a dog bear. So you're calling a man a bear, but you refuse to call a man a bear. My brother had a duck named EMU, so fair enough. Yeah, well, the guy's name is BJ. Greg Evigan is BJ McKay so clearly

the bear must be the chimp. That's absurd. I was thinking also like maybe like a Dunstan checks in situation but rather than being

a jewelry thief. Okay, he's a detective. He's, yeah, so rather than committing crimes, he's solving them. I reckon there's also probably apes in cartoons that help.

McGill or Gorilla? He works in or lives in a pet store. There's probably apes that help. Grape ape? There's probably apes. I would say there's apes that help. Maybe grape ape, but no. Grape ape's in the Olympics, isn't he?

He's huge. He's Laugh Olympics. The ape from George in the Jungle? He seems pretty smart. Are there crimes in the jungle? There's crimes everywhere. Okay. Yeah.

This world is a filthy place. I mean, I guess they're stopping, like, I don't know, the guy that was hunting? Poaching's a crime. Poaching, see? I guess they're stopping that. Okay, well, then what's the... Okay. So.

If we are to accept the premise. Yes. So, it's your fourth week on the force. Oh, we're cops. Yes. Okay. Yeah, that's the whole thing I've been saying. You haven't been listening.

It was unclear. You started saying grape ape, so I don't know, man. Grape ape is not a cop. He's just an ape of unusual size. I'm going to throw up. I'm so upset. You weren't listening. Every example I gave was a cop thing.

And then I said, reverse Dunstan Chexin. Dunstan Chexin's not a cop. He said reverse. He said reverse of a criminal as a cop. Okay, fair enough. And also I said those words. I was like, in reverse. So he's a cop instead of a criminal.

You did, you did, you did. Yeah, Turner and Hooch, BJ and the Bear. No, BJ and the Bear wasn't me. No, he wasn't. That was me. BJ and the Bear is a trucker and his pet. They go around America getting into various adventures and misadventures along the way. Maybe I've got to be watching BJ and the Bear.

That's fucking awesome. You've all got to be watching BJ and the Bear. Yeah. Bad news, episode's one hour long. Too long. What about the TV show? You just reminded me of some chimp facts. Oh, yeah.

The TV show Lancelot Link, Secret Agent Chimp. Look it up on your little machine. Well, that's getting closer to what I'm talking about. There's an awesome story about Lancelot Link. So basically the way that it's not a good TV show. The way they did it is they would just dress up the chimps in different clothes and then they would film them and then dub over lines for the chimps. Yeah, that's awesome.

Now there's one story about they were filming. Oh, he's eating spaghetti So this was like There's a chimp eating spaghetti So it was like get smart They were chimps And there's one story where Because it was like the 1970s there was no rules

Where they were filming in like a forest somewhere And the chimp I think was dressed Like a Roman centurion or something Yeah One where he's playing cards like what we often do. That's true. They're just like us. They are just like us.

Anyway, the chimp got loose. Oh, this one has a little hat on and a mustache. Yeah. Oh, no. There was a villain. How does a chimp have a mustache? And let me tell you, they have nailed it. Anyway, this chimp gets loose in the forest, dressed like a Roman centurion.

It's a chimp holding dynamite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is this show bad? Nourion. It's a chimp holding dynamite. How is this show bad? It's bad because the chimp's softened. They look so happy in these photos. He's on the forest. He's telling the future. A chimp gets loose in the jungle, in the forest. It's just like a forest in America.

We've lost the chimp. They lose him for like three, four hours. Then, this hippie guy comes out of the forest holding the hand of the chimp and he's like i was just sitting at my camp smoking a jay and a little chimp dressed like a man came out of the woods and sat with me imagine that's awesome i would be talking to it hello like are you one i don't know is this good what's going on if he gave a chimp a cigarette they they know they know they know how to smoke chimps know how to smoke jazz cigarettes yeah exactly well okay so we're uh joel's i'm still looking at photos of lance lot

yeah i need to stop uh because one of them used to go past with the chimp looking surprised as in the background there was the mona lisa but with the chimps head yeah i need to stop looking at that because i i will then watch that house yeah yeah oh yeah and i will mentally enjoy it and then i'll remember the terrible things that i'm like oh i think the chimps are in a band too they're playing making it really really enticing you're really you're selling it so much i know it's so best but you can't fuck the whole time you're watching it

you're like that guy's meant to be in the jungle he shouldn't be playing the guitar but how funny what if they just wanted to act

if you go to the zoo and you just put a guitar down yeah and the chimp plays it that's no crime yeah it's no one's fault but God's

exactly but if you're cracking a whip over them to play the guitar play the guitar chimp plays it. That's no crime. It's no one's fault but God's. Exactly. But if you're cracking a whip over them to play the guitar. Play the guitar, chimp! Yeah, there's that zoo that's like, please stop showing our chimps YouTube videos because the chimp loves it too much. There's those chimps that you love.

They're the chimp that eats or drinks Gatorade. I love that chimp. I'm learning a lot about chimps recently. Yeah. Like the little factoids. One I found was about they love to watch TV. That's awesome. There's this zoo that they put it on, and the chimps,

they love to watch a documentary of their own zoo. And so they were loving watching the behind-the-scenes stuff. That's awesome. And then when their vet came on screen, oh, they hated that vet. They were hooting and hollering, but badly, like booing that man. Isn't it crazy to imagine watching television? So us to Chimp, the Chimp is watching our TV. Now imagine we are in the Chimp strata

to a being that is a Chimp's height greater than us. Yeah. But you're watching It's TV of you. Yeah. With your human understanding, which is a bit. Yeah. But there's a whole great element of it you're not getting. Uh-huh.

What a crazy thing to do. Exactly. They're like, that's my street. I know that street. And they show your dog. And you're like, fuck that dog. I hate him. I fucking hate that guy.

Get him out of here. Boo. How dare he diagnose me with itchy scrotum. I want to go reverse, though. I want to watch chimp TV. Oh, yeah. Let chimps make TV for chimps, and then show it to me. Like TV written and directed by chimps for chimps?

Yeah. Yeah, give me that. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. What do they want? What's a ch give me that. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. Anyway, so... What do they want? What's a chimp want to say? Not the doctor.

No, they hate the doctor. They hate that man. They want that man dead. Yeah. So anyway, in the 80s and 90s, there's a trope of like, if you're a cop

and you get paired with an unlikely partner... You get an animal sidekick. And then sometimes they give you an animal sidekick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in this instance, yeah, sure,

I was thinking apes, even though dogs are far more common. Yeah. And I'm just trying to figure out how would you use that ape to solve a crime?

Like, what's an ape good at that will help? Can I pick the ape? Yes. I don't mean specific apes.

I'm not picking Harambe. That's like Google apes that solve crime. And the first one I got was 10 cuddly apes who

committed vicious crimes. That's the opposite of what I wanted, Google. Do you reckon the Coco sexual harassment case will be listed? It'll be there. So, yeah, can I pick the species of ape? Yeah. Okay, because I probably

pick a gorilla. Yeah. And I can use that as muscle. Yeah. Because I think if I'm getting close to solving the case, say I'm doing classic detective shit, and I'm like, you know, a person comes to me, they're like, my husband's cheating on me. I need you to catch him in the act. Now I'm doing classic detective shit, and I'm like, you know, the person comes to me, they're like, my husband's cheating on me, I need you to catch him in the act. Now, if it's just me, and I'm in the car watching, and I'm at the motel,

and I'm just doing a stakeout, and the husband opens the blinds and sees me, I'm fucked. He's pulling me out of the car and making me eat the curb. I would rather kill a man than have my wife suspicions that I'm cheating on her

which are true confirmed I got two scenarios there I eat the curb and they go to that big ice machine and they just beat the shit out of me with bags of ice but if if the guy opens the blinds

and he sees me in the driver's seat and then I'm he's gonna be like I'm not gonna mess with that man and then we can take photographs of him or whatever or shake him down so the problem here is you in your car which you can't drive uh the girl is driving also in a very confined environment with a gorilla yeah i thought me and the gorilla were partners okay okay yeah but like you picked the gorilla where partners. Okay, okay. Yeah, but like,

you picked the gorilla. Where'd you get it from? Okay. I have to explain where I got the gorilla from. I got it from a service. A service? They hire out gorillas.

He's an ex-circus gorilla. Yeah, I guess as the person proposing this question, I guess we have to find out where, one, what crime? Yeah, murder.

Okay. Okay. And two, what chimp? crime. Yeah, murder. Okay. And two, what chimp. What ape, sorry. I think it's BYOA. BYOA, okay. But let's assume that... Okay, BYOA. Yeah, BYOA.

Okay. And let's assume that it's, you've got to solve a murder because that's classic detective TV show situation. And let's say that the ape won't just immediately turn on you. So Jackson can be in a car with his gorilla, but it is still an ape.

So I couldn't be like, you know, if I bring this gorilla, let's call him Mr. Bojangles. Ex-circus gorilla. I love Mr. Bojangles. Cigarette smoking extraordinaire. That's what he used to do in the circus. I bring him in and there's a gunfight. There's a chance Mr. Bojangles will squeeze me so hard

my head pops off like a rock-em-sock-em robot because he's scared of the loud noises. I'm liking Mr. Bojangles. I like that he's smoking because that way if I'm, say, a cop, detective, investigator, whatever, I'm getting at least some secondhand smoke from that. It's keeping you charged up. It's keeping me charged up. detective, investigator, whatever, I'm getting at least some secondhand smoke from that. It's keeping you charged up.

It's keeping me charged up. And maybe it's like helping me get over my smoking addiction, which I clearly have. Absolutely. And that will help me on the straight and narrow to try and solve this crime. Keep you off the cigarettes. That also solved the crime.

I can't stop imagining him doing that. You know that thing people do where they breathe out the cigarette smoke but immediately inhale it through their nose? Absolutely, my gorilla is doing that. He's not my gorilla. Yeah. He's the services.

I got it from a service, yeah. Yeah, I guess if it is imbibing on like, or if it's like I'm undercover trying to- Undercover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To investigate this. It's all by the top. It is.

It is very hard to- Someone's killed the commissioner's son. Oh, no. There's a lot running on this case. So if I have to go undercover, say, and maybe I need to do certain illicit substances, I can palm that off to the gorilla. They've got a bigger heart, right? They can handle it.

So you're imagining this in some way involves the drug trade. And you're going undercover, I say, some guy named Spike. I'm Spike, and this is my ape, Mr. Bojangles. Okay. He doesn't need a cover. And then they're like, hey, we think you might be a cop. And you're like, I'm not, I'm not.

And they pull out a bump of cocaine, and they're like, prove it. And you're like, Mr. Bojangles, you're a tiny child. I mean, if I was a cop, would a cop let an ape do cocaine? That's definitely irresponsible. I was going to say, that's the funniest way of like, all right, cop, do this drug. This expensive drug. Oh, again? That no one ever has a bad time with.

He did that bump. I think he's a good guy. Are you going to palm everything off to the gorilla? If they're like, okay, kill this man. I'm just trying to. Oh, yeah. I mean, like if you need to kill. Gorillas don't have consciences.

That's true. Do you think though? Do you know how a gorilla, this is how a gorilla night once sleeps like a rock. Yeah. The wakes up the next day, pulls the arms off a man and eats its head. That night, same beautiful sleep.

I guess, yeah, a gorilla has no sense of right or wrong. They're not a moral creature. No. I would say, actually, gorillas are immoral creatures. But a gorilla can feel sad, right?

Yeah. When Robin Williams dies, they get sad about that. So they know about Robin Williams, but they can't feel... Well, I guess they don't know the guy they're tearing apart. Yeah. There's compelling evidence for moral behavior in primates, particularly the great apes.

Well, I don't like that we've got a bad one, then. I don't like that we can have a morally good or morally bad gorilla, we get a bad one. I feel like I'm going to get betrayed by this gorilla. I'll sell you out. There's a study called Wild Justice, The Moral Lives of Animals.

What does the morality of a gorilla look like? Great question. I don't know. We all want to watch ape TV. I want to watch TV by an ape that's exploring what it means to be a good ape in a bad ape world. How good would Lauren or a gorilla be?

Apes solving ape crimes. Well, what's an ape crime? In the jungle, you're a group of gorillas. What's something somebody in that group could do that would piss you off? Murder. Steal your muscle in on your territory. Okay. Like a guy comes in and fucks your wife. Yeah

It's a society right so that the silverback or the old yeah, that's like I'm getting asked from my you know Yeah, you time for me to wander away Yeah, and then he goes to a new new place with like and then he goes to the Gorilla in charge and he's like look I'm an old gorilla. Yeah. I'll just be here being an old gorilla. I'll help and just chill. I'm of no threat. And when you go out and hunt,

I'm just going to be here chilling, eating berries, doing nothing. And when you're away, I'm going to fuck all your wives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't know this.

I'm just going to be here hanging here, chilling, doing your wives. Doing your wives. What was that last bit? No. Doing your wives.

Sorry, I'm going to be fucking your wives. Sorry, let me explain this to you. Do you understand sign language? I'll do it in that. I am going to fuck your wife. Me? Fuck your wives. Hey, other male gorillas, can we have a chat?

I don't know if I like the new guy. I don't know if I like his energy. I might kill him. I might kill him. I like the new guy. I don't know if I like his energy. I might kill him. I might kill him. I might tear him apart. You want to join me? I might kill him with this rock I found. I might commit the first ape murder.

Apes murder. Apes kill each other. This will be a murder. Apes already have probably had. This is premeditated. Can apes premeditate? Well, there's chimps that have chimp wars. Tell me more about these chimp wars.

There's a thing that they found in, like, sections of jungle that are full of chimpanzees, that the chimpanzees have different territories, and that some chimpanzees, in an effort to expand their territory, engage in what they're calling, at least, war with other chimpanzee groups. So they're doing war. That's premeditated. You're like, I want that territory. Oh, yeah.

There's a certain ape that steals dogs. Yeah, that's premeditated. Is it a mandrill? The worst ape there is. Mandrills are fucked up. Fuck mandrills, dude. Yeah, man. Oh, they're terrifying.

Horrible, horrible creature. I like the fact that they steal dogs, though. Yeah, they steal dogs and they're just like this is my dog now. Yeah, they kidnap puppies and so then they're like this is now my dog and then they teach that dog

to be like protect us. What the fuck? They raise dogs? They raise dogs! I guess that's a dog crime not an ape crime. Also, it's your animal.

It was baboons not me. Oh, baboons, yeah. Okay. That's scary because that feels like that's like a very human thing to do, to raise dogs.

Yeah. It stresses me out. It stresses me out to imagine if we- Do you reckon in our lifetime, apes will take the next step and just become guys? No, they're still in babies being like, well, if we still want them and train them. If we just raise it, make a baboon boy.

I reckon I could have been a baboon boy. You could have been a baboon boy? I reckon I would have been a good baboon boy. I reckon my life would be more fulfilled if I had been raised by baboons. You would certainly have less threats. Yeah. Other baboons. You'd have more threats.

You'd have shelter. No, the main threat would be other baboons. Yeah. And I guess scientists going to try and study me. Leave me alone. Would you have existential threats if you were raised by baboons? Give me an existential threat.

Well, right now you might think, I've not done enough with my life. If you're raised by baboons, you're thinking, I hope I don't die. Well, I guess you'd probably be thinking, I've done too much with my life. Yeah.

Would I, I guess, I still have man thoughts, but would I have man thoughts if they were filtered through baboon? Yes, I think you would. Yeah, it would be like man thoughts filtered through baboon. Yeah, so like, but are you thinking like, man, I have man thoughts if they were filtered through baboon? Yes, I think you would. Yeah, it would be like man thoughts filtered through baboon. Yeah, but are you thinking like,

man, I'm getting on in life. You know, I haven't achieved everything I want. Or are you thinking banana, banana, apple, banana? Or when I get to puberty, like 15, you're like, baboon dad, how come I'm not attracted to any of these people? I wish I could talk to you without you just

screaming baboon dad. Why am I not attracted to all the other baboons around here? And he hits you with a big bone. Dad, why can I talk English? When did I learn English? When did I learn this, Dad? Why have I not realized you don't understand me yet? I guess I am fucked up. I was raised by baboons.

Life's so hard, Dad dad And you don't understand You just keep hitting me With your big bone I'm sorry baboon dad I'll do better next time Baboon mom I wish baboon dad Wasn't so hard

That's right You are all baboons Baboon sister Do you have any thoughts About I don't know This way Why are parents such Why are they so mean to me It's good to be live All baboons. Baboon sister, do you have any thoughts about, I don't know, this way? Why are parents such, why are they so mean to me? It's good to be lived.

Why don't all of my baboon family have bones? I only have one big bone to hit me with. It would fuck you up. Say you're raised by baboons, right? Yeah. And then you're raised by baboons for a long time. Say you're 18. People find you.

Yeah. Take you into human civilization. Imagine trying to adapt back when your brain's full of baboon thoughts. I guess there are wolf kids. They do all right. It's wild the amount of kids. I'm assuming there's like 50

that have been raised by wolves. Happens all the time. Surely it's easier to get raised by a baboon than a wolf. I think the trick is that a baboon than a wolf. I think the trick is that a baboon will eat you. I think there is already a baboon boy.

Oh my god! Baboon boy is real! Baboon boy confirmed! There's a man living my best life. Wait, he's still doing it? I don't know. I'm reading, I'm reading,

I'm reading! Holy shit, baboon boy is real. Takes rank as the only child known to have been raised by infrahuman primates. April monkeys. That's crazy.

Raised by baboons. Is this the story of Lucas the Baboon Man? What is going on? Lucas? The Baboon Man? I would not have expected his name to be Lucas. I don't know what that's about. Did the baboons name him?

I guess not. The baboons would have had some noise to identify him. Hey. Okay. Okay. Anyway, I think I feel this has gotten away from us. So I'm solving a crime with an ape. It is BYOA.

BYOA. So yeah, we're picking a big gorilla. Yep. The murder is of the senator's son? No, the commissioner's son. Okay, there's a lot riding on it. So it goes right to the top. Yeah.

Okay, now, Sam, it's strategy. I'm just trying to think. It's give cocaine to the gorilla. I'm just trying to think. Is there anything- Mr. Bojangles. I think you're going to rock him, sock him, robot him if you do that, dude. I'm just thinking, is there anything that an ape can do better than

say, just a clever person? What can an ape do? Brute strength. So like, if you need to burst through a door. Yeah, but we have tools for that. Yeah, but what makes a better entrance? Drilling a hole in a door and everyone's like, whoa.

Yeah, but even a battering ram means like six guys. What's the scenario where I'm battering through the door? Hey, it's the police. We got a warrant. So we found the guy? Maybe. We got a warrant to check this house. Open up.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. We're coming in. Oh, oh. Gorilla. Can I use maybe like a capuchin? Okay, sure. Real cute, easy to kind of maybe manage.

I don't know. But maybe there's a judge that I maybe need a warrant from and maybe he'll like apes and chimps and maybe he'll be more lenient and give me the thing that I need for time with said chimp on his shoulder. So, yeah, you ask the chimp to go get a warrant? You're bribing the judge with a chimp.

No, I'm just saying, Mr. Judge, hey, we need a warrant. I hear you love chimps. I happen to have a little of them. Have you met my partner, Little Bojangles? Little Bojangles. Would you like Little Bojangles to scurry around on top of your head and sit on your shoulder for a bit? I don't think I'd like a monkey on my head.

I think it would be wonderful. Shoulders or right head? I've had a monkey on my body before. Yeah? Go on. When I was in Morocco, and I had a monkey on. No, I met a man who had a monkey on a rope. The monkey look happy?

It looked like a monkey. I don't think it was happy, but it was just like a monkey. And anyway, the monkey scurried across the ground and then up my leg and onto my shoulder. Now, at the time, for reasons I cannot recall, I had a feather in my hair. You fucking had a feather in your hat? I did. Hat or hair? Hair.

Maybe it was hat. Oh my God. You fucking had a feather in your hat? I did. Hat or hair? Hair. So, like, behind your ear. Maybe it was hat. Fucking, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Maybe I was dressed like Robin Hood. I don't know. I had a feather in my hat. You're living a goddamn nursery rhyme. A monkey climbed onto my shoulder, plucked the feather from my hat, and then ran back to the guy.

And then that was it. How does it stick a feather in my hat and call me macaroni? Yeah, that's good we doing that yeah I was uh whatever his name is who came to town did you get scared when the monkey climbed onto your head or were you just like this is awesome I was like this is sick to have a monkey on me oh my feather oh did the monkey then put it in behind its ear no it gave it to the guy the guy just went I imagine oh my feather, ho, ho. My feather now. Fuck you, little boy.

You want it back? $20. Well, I don't know. It was like nothing. We just moved on. He just stole a feather. A monkey stole a feather from me. And then we moved on. But it was not so bad having a monkey on me. And if the monkey wasn't, like, on a rope. Like, if I was if you were at a zoo. Yeah. And they were like, here's a monkey to meet. Yeah.

And it climbed on your body. Yeah. It'd be fun. I think holding a monkey were like, here's a monkey to meet and it climbed on your body, it would be fun. I think holding a monkey like, I don't know, just. What if it bites your head? No, but I guess being on my shoulder, I don't know. Okay. What if it shits on my head, I guess? Yeah, I get that. No, fair enough.

How about this? How about this? To help me solve crime or a crime. So I stake out maybe. Okay. And I'm there. Maybe this is, you know I stake out maybe. And I'm there. Maybe this is day two or whatever. I'm stinky.

I'm not doing great. But like little chimp, he can groom me. Make me presentable. He's picking the lice and the bugs. You are falling on hard times. And in a way, he's helping me solve the crime by being more presentable. Well, let's explore the different ways you could be unhygienic and how a little monkey might help you out.

Stinky underarms. Okay. Okay. That's a tricky one. He could rob from the store to get you some deodorant. Okay, nice. No one's going to stop a monkey. Am I trapped in the car then?

Yes. You've become trapped in the car, but the window is down to such a degree that the monkey can climb out. And my main concern is my stinky piss. Yeah. Well, it's only you in the car and it's getting hot. Oh, yeah, yeah. The monkey's also going to bring you food. What if it's me in the car?

I'll become acclimatized. I'll become used to my own stank. Well, you probably then need to get the monkey to get you water and food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe the monkey's freaking out because I'm stinking him out. But the monkey's going to get stinky. I can't groom a monkey. Yes, you can.

Why not? How do I do it? I reckon monkeys would like being combed. Yeah, but do I have a comb in the car? No. Do you? No. No, he probably doesn't.

If I had a monkey, maybe I would. Well, if a comb. Yeah. I just think if you comb a monkey monkey like you know just down its head and down its back you would love it it would love it it's like a slashing a horse kind of yeah and I think because the monkeys used to grooming where it's like a little yeah but if you it's like it's like mega grooming full-body massage yeah I reckon you should use like a last comb too I think it would

like that well you get a lot like a bristle kind of oh yeah I think the bristle thing would be good on like an orangutan maybe orangutans have a sort of wisdom to them

maybe I'll pick an orangutan and long arms because here's okay this is how I use the orangutan so obviously I'm going to look at a crime scene

I look at the dead body I look at everything around it I look at the house I'm looking at this with human eyes I'm overthinking I send the orang dead body I look at everything around it I look at the house I'm looking at this with human eyes I'm overthinking I send the orangutan in

I say use your base animal instance orangutan send the orangutan in get everyone else to leave and shut the door he needs time to figure it out

everyone's like just hearing him going crazy no no no he's working through it sounds like he's throwing stuff he's just picking up the body.

Sounds like he's going crazy in there, Jackson. No, no, no, no, no. This is his process. This is his process. We're going to go in there and he'll have solved the crime. He's an artist. Go in there, see, body's gone. Go in there, body's gone, windows open.

He's already on the case, it appears. He'll solve it. He found a lead. He'll solve it. He found the lead. He'll solve it. I'm going to go for another appointment, but then you just hear me peeling out because I've lost my array of things and a dead body.

Just seeing him just walk. My jankos, where are you? Whacking it into the ground, tearing it apart. This is not good. Okay. This is not good. Today... You ready? This is not good. Okay. This is not good. Today.

You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing. Another way for an ape to help?

Yeah. Interrogation. Oh, okay. Now, maybe I'm... Good cop, bad ape. Yeah. Scary. Maybe I'm, you know, one of those good cops.

Okay. You know, that haven't spoiled the whole apple bunch or whatever. Sure, yeah. And I'm like, well, it's very illegal and a crime if I was to say, you know, a cussed. Yes, I see. The suspect. But if I'm there with a big gorilla, it's the implication. Absolutely.

That the gorilla's going to tear its face off. A gorilla is a show of force. Yes. Oh, yeah. I'm bound by human law. Exactly. Only the law of the jungle. Yeah.

And like, you know, I don't know. He listens to me sometimes. Yeah, exactly. Good cop, ape know, I don't know. He listens to me sometimes. Yeah, exactly. Good cop, ape cop is what you're doing. Good cop, ape cop. You go, hey, I'm on your side. I want you to get out of here. My partner, he is an actual ape.

This guy is a gorilla. I don't know what he's thinking at all. I have no idea what's going on in his head, dude. When they gave me the gorilla as a partner, I thought they were giving me a little break. I thought it was a joke. So like, no. Six weeks on, here I am, still with gorilla partner.

Like, I can get you, hey, I can get you like a reduced sentence. Like, you just got to talk to me. I can give you a Coke. You talk to him, he is an actual ape. He won't understand what you're saying. And he might hit you in the head. He might hit me in the head. We don't know.

We don't know. That's the dice we roll. Could gorillas punch and kick, or do they prefer to just bite? You said that, and I imagined the gorilla doing the Donkey Kong kick, where they put both hands on the ground and they kick with their two legs.

I don't think that's a real thing they do. I feel a gorilla would punch and grab and grasp. I can't imagine a gorilla kicking. I have seen a video of a Jane Goodall type. I don't think it was Jane Goodall. And she's being interviewed and she's surrounded by a bunch of gorillas just hanging out. And one of them, she's like, yeah, the gorillas, they're lovely guys or whatever. One walks past and she grabs her by the head and pulls her a little bit along.

And then lets go. And it's kind of like he did it as like a prank. Like there's not as much malice in the situation as you'd think. Does she scream like crazy? Yeah, she's like, oh my god, because the gorillas are taking, even though she's friends with the gorillas, she's like, oh, it's happened finally.

The gorillas are taking me away. The gorillas are going to tear off my head. Yeah, but then the gorilla just lets her go and just chills out or whatever. I've seen another thing, they're just a bunch of people filming in the jungle and a bunch of gorillas are there and one of the males looks at us,

walking around quite close, grabs one of them and just kind of gently pulls him and they kind of just move. He doesn't put any resistance and he just keeps going. It's just like, okay, it's just there to be like, I can fuck you. I can destroy you if I wanted to. We're good, right? Yeah. We're bros, like I can fuck you I can destroy you If I wanted to We're good right

Yeah If you We're bros But if you fuck with me The implication The implication It's the implication What if

The threat If I got a gorilla Do you think I'm thinking of doing a show of force Yep Right So I'm just gonna be like If you don't talk to me

We'll fuck you up Yep But can I have the gorilla Fuck me up Well I To show what'll happen? We'll do this to you. Great question, Jackson.

I just googled can gorillas kick? And the first response is what would happen if you karate kick a gorilla in the head? Great question. Great question.

And then what would happen if a gorilla punches a human? Also, great question. So let's click on that. Yeah, that one's more accurate. That's what we're looking for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm wondering, could...

Either a fist to the head or hard slap to the face would kill you instantly. Our neck would be like a small bamboo shoot as it snaps violently. Hey, if you fuck with us we'll do this to you and the gorilla just bop my head entirely off.

Granted, this is someone who worked with Bear and Cat Rescues or something as a volunteer, so who knows exactly who... Okay, they're no expert. The idea of a gorilla slapping your head clean off whilst you're meant to be interrogating someone, they would get frightened. Yeah, they'd be like, I'll tell you, don't make the gorilla do that to me.

Another great question. What is more powerful, a horse's kick or a gorilla's punch? It's a vote. Most people go in with a horse's kick or a gorilla's punch? It's a vote. Most people go with a horse's kick. I feel like a horse's kick is stronger. Yeah, a horse's kick. Because you've got the whole, like, it's the whole horse. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. A horse's kick is 2,000 PSI. Yeah. A gorilla's punch with 1,300 to 2,700 pounds of force. Whoa. I think I've heard about people getting kicked in the head by a horse and surviving. For reference, an average human punches with...

Didn't we get kicked in the head by a horse? Yeah. It's the only explanation I can come up with. Yeah, so humans punch with 60 to 170 PSI. Okay. Okay, yes. 360 to 450 pounds of force. So let me just quickly look at a gorilla.

1,300 to 2,700 pounds of force. So there's a bit of a risk with having a gorilla attack the criminals because you can't kill the... I mean... Well, wait. They killed the commissioner's son, sir. The gorilla, we have no... We can't really tell what the gorilla is. What are you going to do?

Arrest the gorilla? No. I would never. You're going. What are you going to do? Arrest the gorilla? No. I would never. You're going to tell the gorilla what to do? So, okay. Maybe we're using the gorilla to solve the crime. It's not really the crime we're solving. We're just here for revenge.

Okay. Can we, to solve the crime, can we instead turn this all around and pin the crime on the gorilla? Oh! Actually, yes. Yeah, I think that would be easy. Is it a crime to give a gorilla the chair? Giving a gorilla

the electric chair. I think it would embody it. I think it would just stand up and start walking towards you electrified and you're like, I'm about to get my head electrically slapped off my neck. Oh no, electric punch. We just electrified the gorilla. That's all we've done. How quick did it take Topsy to die?

Who's Topsy? The elephant. That's all we've done. How quick did it take Topsy to die? Who's Topsy? The elephant. I think that was pretty instant. They use a lot of electricity. They take a great deal of electricity to kill Topsy. Well, could we use, like, say, a more agile, like, say, an orangutan? Yeah. So, say, we want to search an apartment for evidence.

Now, if we come in through the front door suspicious, but if we send Mr. Bojangles the orangutan up the side of the building... And in the chimney. And in the chimney. No suspicion raised. I was going to say through a window. No, no, no. But in the chimney Santa style.

And we wait until it's Christmas Eve in the hope that a child is waiting up for Santa. We dress Mr. Bojangles up in a Santa suit. It's going to be good. Oh, my God. Father Christmas. Doing that little chimp. Watching an orangutan slam his hand down on some milk and cookies. Yes.

Nom, nom, nom. Go, go, go, go, go. Santa, please. Just start staring upon the presents. Santa loves my milk and cookies. Have I been a good little child? Can I get a present, Mr. Santa Claus? I think Anna Raggertsen would want to open presents really bad.

Yes, absolutely. Just in front of it. That's so funny as well. To imagine as a kid, Santa coming down the chimney and just tearing open your present. You go to school in the next semester or whatever, your classmates, and you're like, I met Santa Claus. He's not like how I imagined.

He is about four foot tall. Really long arms. of your classmates and you're like, I met Santa Claus. He's not like how I imagined. He is about four foot tall. Really long arms. Very long arms. Tiny little feet. Hairy. Holds his arms above his head. His flanges are crazy. He loved to do this.

And when he's not doing that, he's sniffing his fingers. And he didn't leave the house. He came down the chimney, but he didn't go back out the chimney. Mum had to get him out with a broom. I thought Mummy was going to kiss Santa Claus, but no. No, she screamed and screamed and screamed.

And then hit Santa with a broom. And it seemed like the orangutan got in a man's car. Then he drove away. I think I heard the words, what did you find? I think Santa's lost his reindeer and now has a man in a car. A man drives him around. So funny to imagine you said you're an orangutan and he comes back with just a mouth smeared with milk and cookies.

What did you find? What did you do? I'm starting to think you're not a very good partner, Mr. Bojangles. What else do you need for solving a crime? Well, I guess you need to find clues. Interview witness, decide who did it, arrest them. Look through CCTV, go through cameras. Does an ape have a particularly good...

Canvas the surrounding area. I'll take these houses, you take those. An ape might be good at finding evidence. have a particularly good... I'll take these houses, you take those. Ape might be good at finding evidence. Like if you get it to sniff some blood and then say where else is blood? Point around. You go, sniff some where else is blood and it just tears you up. In the ear! Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, dude. Okay. But like, if it's a trained ape, then yeah, dude. Okay. But, like, because, like, if it's a trained ape, then, yeah, maybe. Because, like, we have, like, bloodhounds and stuff where we get them to sniff an item of clothing. Then they can seek out a person or they just get a great sense of smell. They can find people. But I don't know if you can really impart that onto an ape.

You know what I mean? I thought apes had really good sense of smell. I don't know. Is it better than a basset hounds or whatever? I doubt that very much. It's probably not bad. It probably does the job. Yeah.

But, and can an ape? Let's see. Well, all chimpanzees use olfaction as a prime mode of investigation. Oh, okay. Sniff, sniff, sniff, clue. Yeah. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Clue! Sniff, clue, sniff, clue. The problem is, say a dog. Like, we domesticated those

guys. So it'll come back to you. Yeah. An ape gets the scent. Well. Gone. Gone. Here's the headline. Chimpanzees sniff out strangers and family members. It's own family members or missing family members? I believe it would be

If I had to take a guess It's own I can't imagine there's just an ape that smells What? Gives you a sniff and then Finds your grandma? They recognize group members and kin So I guess they'd be like

Oh yeah I know that So yeah look you could be like This is the jacket Yeah That the The criminal The perp was wearing. The commissioner child murderer was wearing. The commissioner's son, yep.

Give it a sniff and then go. Well, yeah, but then how do you get the chimp when he finds the guy? Well, we've got to follow the chimp. It's a game of follow the chimp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair. I mean, I was going to say we could do this with, like, say, a bloodhound. But bloodhound can't, you know, jump over a fence. Yeah, that's true.

Can't climb, you know, scale a building. Yeah. Can't sit in a tree. Yeah. Can't peel its own banana. Right. So, you know. What else can't a bloodhound do?

That a chimp can do. Yes. Swing through the trees. Right. Amuse me. Amuse, yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Swing through the trees. Amuse me. Amuse, yeah. Okay, fair enough. Jack off at the zoo.

No, I reckon a bloodhound could do that. I feel like I'm going to jack off at the zoo. How's a bloodhound jacking off? Like a dog. You ever seen a dog? They stand up and they get their little arms. I thought that would just use their mouth. No.

They use their mouth. That too. I don't think dogs put their front paws Dogs do. I've seen it. They put their arms like this. Yeah. Like this! Outstretch their arms. Yeah. And then jack off their dick. And they're standing on

their hind legs. And they jack off their little dog dick. I think I have seen like a little gif or something of one dog is basically a robber off sick himself. He's going to town on his own man well they lick their dicks and stuff to clean it anyway

so while you're down there may as well I think a great place for the ape would be because this is we're imagining this is like an 80s 90s movie

the end of every one of those 80s 90s movies is like a shootout in a drug den right it'll be like a warehouse somewhere where some criminals

have hid out and they get couches and hammocks and stuff. It's going to be the best for this because the villains, the bad guys, they're not going to suspect an ape with a gun to like, he could shoot with his foot.

He could be in a warehouse, his rafters, he could be swinging from them rafters. Two guns in his feet. You could theoretically give an ape three guns if they didn't mind hopping. Yeah, and they wouldn't. They could hang from the rafters. With one hand and then with their other three hands. Three hands, you say?

Well, their feet are like hand feet. Yeah, that's true. That is true. They could shoot the criminals. I do like that this is ending in just a full-on, we're just shooting the criminals. That's an 80s movie. Fair enough. Apes good at aim accuracy.

I don't think it'll matter. You give the apes Uzis and accuracy doesn't matter. You just make sure you stand behind the ape. Here's the problem with the ape Uzi scenario. And I like it. How do you get the Uzis off the ape at the end? Let them keep them. Ape, they're yours.

Welcome to the force. We're giving you a license to kill. Do ape love to test? You know how sharks... I do know sharks. They like to test things. They like biting. Do apes do the same? I reckon probably. So you're imagining you give

the ape a gun, you send it in there, you hear a gun, one shot, you're like oh actually wait the ape has shot himself like a daffy duck kind of walk the ape shot his mouth around the back of his head

being like what's this dude it was ape season maybe we better give the ape a sword then whoa knife ape yeah

I bet I mean so you know you can throw a knife yeah an ape throwing a knife with the strength of an ape? It wouldn't stick through. It would go straight through.

Yeah, the hilt would be going through your own head. It wouldn't matter which part of the knife hits you. No, you're dead. You're a dead man. That's an ape killed you. What about, this is an important part of the ape scenario. Or the 90s, 80s crime movie scenario. A certain kind, anyway.

The kind that would involve an animal companion. The final couple of scenes where we're at a resort. Yep. And something funny happens with the animal companion. And we say, Mr. Bojangles, you're a real son of a bitch. I reckon Mr. Bojangles is smoking a cigar and slaps someone's ass as they walk past in a swimsuit. Mr. Bojangles, it's me and Mr. Bojangles. I'll have the orangutan, Mr. Bojangles, I Bojangles it's me and Mr Bojangles I'll have the

orangutan Mr Bojangles I guess or it's all of the Bojangles it's me and orangutan a gorilla a capuchin

a chimpanzee and a sexy lady walks by with our drinks and all of us are like oh they've all got

sunglasses yeah of course and we're all looking yeah I think that's the ending of the movie that sexy lady

walks past we go oh but then a sexy chimp walks past in like a little bikini, and then Bojangles is like, oh. Mr. Bojangles, you are a son of a bitch. Mr. Bojangles, I think this could be the best summer ever. Mr. Bojangles, you are encouraged. So yeah, I think actually an ape wouldn't be,

provided you know how to solve a case, the ape doesn't really hinder you. Yeah. I'm just like, okay, I guess maybe the ape doesn't help, but maybe it hinders, and I guess really it's less about the ape and more just you. Yeah. The ape

is just also there. I guess if I was to help solve a crime, I would fulfill the ape role. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'd be just like, oh, yeah. I'd be more annoying than the ape. Do you think? I don't think we... Let me in the room with the body.

Come on. Let me touch it. I got a stick. I can poke it, right? The clues are always in the mouth. Yeah. Oh. Oh, wait.

What were you imagining? I was eating the guy? No, just like putting a hand in it. Oh, oh. I thought that was like, it's always in the mouth. Oh. And I put his hand in my mouth. Oh, wait, what?

I've got a taste for clues. I swallowed his ring. Is that a problem? No, that's a souvenir. Yeah. Of your very first case. I don't think we would be as good as an ape. I think to help a detective, I don't think we could do it as well.

Yeah. Okay. Ask a detective with an ape. I feel, yeah, we would hinder it more. Yeah, significantly more. Because the ape's just chilling and putting its hands up and sniffing its finger and whatever. We're talking.

We're asking for the sirens to be put on. Plus, we get frightened. Yeah, that's true. They fire the gun. I'm running. I'm catching a bus. I'm out of there. Police party.

He's chasing the bus next to you, just banging on the door, being like, get off the damn bus. No, no, no. You shot that gun. I'm scared. Why don't you do it again? You've got a gun, too. Get off the bus. Oh, fuck.

Throwing the bus out the window. Throwing the bus out the window. What have I done? You've killed your partner. I threw the bus out the window, And now I'm hovering in empty space And then I land on the ground Gun got used Fire the gun here

Get spooked Drop it Run away This is the worst first day ever Because at least a gorilla is intimidating Yeah You know like at a bare minimum A criminal won't want to fuck with you if you have a gorilla

Yeah It's got the element of surprise. Not necessarily that a gorilla is stealthy, but more just like you're not expecting to see a gorilla. No one's expecting that. I get a knock at the door and it's a cop. I'm like, this is annoying. What do you want? I open the door and there's a gorilla and a cop?

I don't even know what's happening. I open the door and there's a gorilla in a cup? I don't even know what's happening. I think there's a five-minute window of me seeing that where the cop could ask me anything and I would answer truthfully just because I'm in a daze. Seeing a cop in a gorilla is a real-life truth serum. Yeah. I think if a cop opened the door

and he had a gorilla behind him, my first thought would be he's going to ask me if that's my gorilla. Yeah. Like he's KMV's. You found my gorilla. You mean my partner? Oh, yes. Sorry, I've misunderstood. if that's my gorilla. Yeah. Like he's KMV's. You found my gorilla. You mean my partner? Oh, yes.

Sorry, I've misunderstood. I've lost my gorilla. Do you have a gorilla? Yes. Not yet. What? What did you want again, officer? Yes.

So, hey, a gorilla would be great, or an ape of any kind. It would be great for helping you solve a problem. Oh, absolutely. And it's a brilliant question. Oh, yeah. I think so, too. One of the best. be great for helping you solve a crime. Oh, absolutely. And it's a brilliant question. Oh, yeah, I think so, too. One of the best. One of the best plumbing questions we've ever done, I would say.

How would you use an ape to solve a crime? Well, quite easily, actually. Yeah. And great question. I think history will show this is when we peaked. Yeah. It's happening. We should bask in it.

Yeah. Because it's all downhill from here. Oh, it's nice. Feels good. Feels good to be back on top. Absolutely. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Let us know, how would you use an ape to help you solve a crime? Did we miss anything? We forgot to disguise the ape. As a sexy lady.

Oh, gotta do that. Oh, honeypot. Honeypot ape. Honeypot ape. Honeypot ape. Fuck my life God that's the easiest way to use an ape to solve a crime Everyone wants to fuck a sexy ape

God we're fucking stupid Dumbest cunts in the realm Fuck