Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Use La Familia? with Michelle Brasier

Episode Date: June 19, 2022

Go see Michelle's shows. You can get all the details from her website https://www.michellebrasier.com. Go on. Click the link you dirtbag. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sands fans network hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star i'm joel i'm jackson and i'm also joel and today we are joined by a very special guest michelle brazier hi guys i'm joel oh my god third one who the hell's in the room with me sorry yeah that's bizarro, Joel. Yeah, this is the first time we've actually had the true Joel on here. I've been talking shit forever. It's nice we can finally get rid of Jackson.

Like, I'll be honest. Give me three Joels, I'll go. I'll figure out a new career. Yeah, so Michelle slash Joel has finally made the dream come true of one podcast hosted by three Joels, which I think immediately will make us significantly more successful without us having to change anything. Oh yeah. Big time.

If you pull the triple Joel, everybody knows it's a huge move. Yeah. Yeah. Especially not being triplets. If you were triplets, that'd be too much. I think.

You can't all have the same name and same face. That's fucked up to do. You can't same face that's that's fucked up to do you can't actually do that it's fucked up to do yeah what maniac parent is being like i have triplets if you all the same but i also get it because if you have triplets you might as well name them all john like it's a secret from parents and i feel like as like when you're a kid parents are like i can tell my twins about definitely they can't i don't know oh yeah they definitely can't of course they can't i've never been able to tell twins apart, definitely. They can't. I don't know. Oh, yeah, they definitely can't. Of course they can't.

I've never been able to tell twins apart in my entire life. Yeah. There's no way. And babies already look heaps the same. Oh, my God, babies look all the same. And people are always like, look at my baby. I'm like, I can recognize it as a human child and good for you. See, because you can have a cute baby,

but you can also have an ugly as fuck baby, but you've got to tell the parents it's a cute baby. So there is an ugly and cute spectrum. I've never seen a cute baby in my whole life. I have never seen. I don't know what people are talking about. They're like, oh, yeah, that one's a cute one. I'm like, no, it's not.

It looks fucked up. It's not ready yet. It can't feed itself. All other mammals, they come out they're like oh i can like climb on the tree like i can hold on to my mother's back and we're like the worst straight out of the womb you put a baby in a jungle it's dead like that yeah i think that the gestation period should be two and a half years yeah it's too long yeah but you should come out like with your full personality So it's like clear

Who you're gonna be Yeah that's all Set of adult taste I should've come out With like a full Like a whiskey And like singing show tunes And it would've been

Just clear Who I was We know what's Gonna happen next And I should've come out A full on piece of shit Yeah yeah yeah Just a real

Dirtbag Fuck of a kid Oh I got a fucking Dirtbag baby Shit Your mum did say She actually did say that It's the real dirtbag fuck of a kid. Oh, I got a fucking dirtbag baby. Your mom did say, she actually did say that. It's on her Facebook. She had Facebook back then. Remembering my dirtbag baby.

To a bouncing piece of shit. Doctor's like, congratulations, Mama Dusha, you have a piece of shit. There you go. I don't even think it'd be a congratulations. It'd just be pulling out Baby Dusha, holding him up by his feet and being like, I'm sorry. It's a piece of shit, baby. I'm smoking a congratulations. Just be pulling out Baby Dusha, holding him up by his feet and be like, I'm sorry. Yeah. It's a piece of shit, baby. I'm smoking a cigar.

Yeah, he's a dirtbag. And today we are asking the important questions like, how would you use La Familia aka the Fast and the Furious family aka La Familia Dom and the gang yeah obviously Dom Toretto head of the La Familia

slash Fast and Furious crew the La Familia the La head of the La Familia slash Fast and Furious crew. The La Familia? The La Familia. Or La La Familia. La La Familia. Head of the La Familia family. Yes. The La Familia.

So he's the head of the family. Big gang. In the series, they go on missions that they organise themselves or they do heists or whatever. A bit of respect, please. They do heists

or whatever. They do the most impressive stunts in the goddamn world. What have you done? Nothing. You're a piece of shit. I've hosted

a terrible podcast for ten years. Never heisted shit. I've definitely, it depends what heist is. I've stolen from Coles. Does that count? Yeah, I steal from supermarkets pretty regularly.

I don't know if that's a heist. How much would it have to take before it turns into a heist? I think it would have to be multiple people to steal from Coles. Did you know that at Coles and Woolworths, at the supermarket, they have plainclothes spies looking for people stealing stuff? I found out two days ago, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to go to all the Coles and I'm going to go find them. I'm going to find the undercover people.

Now it will change your whole world. You'll just be walking around being like, are you really interested in those noodles or do you think I'm a criminal? You're faking it. I'm obsessed. Did you find out that they existed because they caught you stealing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was trying to steal a DVD of F9. That's pretty good. I usually can steal better. Considering they've got plainclothes spies, they're not very good at their job because I ain't being caught. I'm slippery. I keep thinking about the other day I bought two little capsicums from Safeway. And they were decent-sized capsicums from Safeway, right? And they were two, they were decent sized capsicums,

enough for a pasta. But they didn't weigh enough on the little vegetable way of thing. And it gave me an error. And then the lady came and she was like, don't worry about it. You can just have those capsicums. So you can get two capsicums for free from Safeway.

What? Capsicum? What? Capsicum? They were two little capsicums for free from Safeway. What? Capsicum? What? Capsicum? They were two little capsicums. They weighed nothing. Capsicums? Did you get chili?

Yeah. Capsicums. Like how little are we talking? Because a capsicum's pretty big. They were miniature capsicums. What you're doing with your hands now is you've just gone six inches with your hands. You just showed us six inches worth of capsicum. They were little.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box hand action. They were tiny little capsicums. You've done it again. You keep putting up six inches. Why don't you just beat me up because I'm frustrated. Is this like the ones you get in like a little packet where they come like, oh, you get like an orange one, a yellow one, and like all different multicolored ones. Like a capsicum.

Because a capsicum is like the size of a hand. But this one wasn't. But how small was it? Before you start going out saying, I bought two regular-sized capsicums, and you can go to Woolworths and get them for free. Did you choose to get the small ones? Well, yeah, I was only making pasta for one.

Why didn't you just get a big one? That's too much capsicum. Yeah, just get one normal capsicum. But then I wouldn't have got it for free, would I? That's true. He would have had to pay for it. That's too much capsicum. Yeah, just get one normal capsicum. But then I wouldn't have got it for free, would I? That's true. He would have had to pay for it. That's true. You can get two free capsicums from Safeway.

But they have to be tiny and fucked up by the sounds of things. Yeah. They were all tiny in the pile. Michelle looks so upset already. I'm just confused about how small it has to be where you can weigh a tiny chili. And they're like, yeah, that's five cents. I've had it happen with the chili before as well. The chili didn't weigh enough

and they let me have it for free. You can get one miniature chili. Did you put it down or did you just float it past? You put a tiny string to all your vegetables. Like, oh, these potatoes aren't heavy enough. Yes, I get them for free. That's the rule. That's a rule.

What kind of fucked up tiny vegetables are you buying? It was a tiny little bird's eye pepper chili. It was tiny and it didn't weigh anything. Anyway, I guess I'd use the Fast and the Furious crew to help me heist stuff from Coles. How would that work? It's a weekly thing or just one big shop?

My whole shop will be done by the Fast and the Furious crew and I'll stay at home. I can stay in my house and they'll deliver it to me once they've finished. So their job is to... So you give them a shopping list of presumably fucked up things because you... Tiny vegetables.

Yeah, shop because you're like, I'm only making one dish so I'm doing... I won't ever use another thing so I should just... Well, there's no waste. So wait, because you're like, oh, I'm only making one dish, so I'm doing, yeah. I won't ever use another thing, so I should just... Well, there's no waste. So wait, are you using them as an Uber driver? They're a click and collect Uber driver. Except you don't pay for it. So you're giving them your shopping list.

They're going to Coles and Woolworths, and their mission is to get all of that, but without paying a cent. Don't pay for it. Don't give Coles a red cent. You're just going to steal all of my shopping, bring it back to me. And the transition from this was you saying that it's actually easy to not pay for anything because you buy tiny amounts of fucked up things. And now you're using... Well, I'm paying for heavy stuff. If it's heavy, I end up paying for it.

If the pasta weighed nothing, I wouldn't pay for the pasta, but it weighs enough that I'm paying a dollar. Except that doesn't make sense because you don't weigh the pasta. It's got a barcode. If you're buying small things, and this is something the listeners can take away, and yeah, it's technically a crime, but I don't care. Only do this at big chains. Mom and pop stores pay for your shit.

Just when it says, I brought a bag, just leave the light shit in there and the thing's like, oh, yeah, sweet bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's easy to steal and fun. Here's what you do. You go in with maybe either, say, like a couple of baskets that you've bought from, say, Kmart or maybe taken from Kmart in a previous exposition. And then what you want to do is you want to load up your groceries in there. And so when you've got your own groceries, you could be like, oh, don't worry. I got most of these from Aldi.

You didn't. So then you're basically getting most of your fruit and veg for free. And then there are various other things as well. It's hard to get things that are labeled with coals for free, but it's not impossible. So, I mean, it's not even going to be hard for the first The Furious crew. Do you think that they will be like, yes, this is what, you know, a good use of my time? Well, I mean, I didn't know how to justify what I was getting them to do. If Don comes in and he's like, Jackson, I don't want to pay.

What am I doing? I could be heisting monuments or something. What voice is this? That's Don Toretto. La familia. I'm so sorry. That is not's Don Toretto! La familia. I'm so sorry. That is not Dominic Toretto. Well, Michelle, can we grab a Dom Toretto from you, please?

Yes, see if you do better. I don't think I can do it. Glass houses. Okay, let me just have... It's like if I had said, oh yeah, you know Dominic T had said, oh, yeah, you know Dominic Toretto. Oh, it's me, Dominic Toretto. Going down the shops to get groceries for you. I get all the tiny wee vegetables.

That's not how it sounds. I like that Dominic Toretto is going undercover. This is good. This is good. Great impression, Michelle. Yeah, yeah. May I say. Well, Helen Mirren is in it.

That's true. I can do Helen Mirren in it She's doing a bit of a Michael Caine She's like let me drive a car Oh I'm a sexy old lady That's what she's like That is true That's my favourite Helen Mirren line

And I'm like you are a sexy old lady She truly is She's so hot Well I probably don't need really the whole love for me. I could just take Dom, to be honest. What's their, you know, how you got about it? Are they people running interference?

Are they being... I probably only need Lenny and Dom, really. I think you need Roman and Tej. I think Lenny and Dom are busy. Tej is probably a great person to get because he's a tech guy. Oh, yeah. He can probably just hack into the scales and make everything weigh.

Hack the scales and make everything strawberries. Hack the scales and make everything light. Why did you choose strawberries? Strawberries are so many, man. Go with potatoes. They're always cheap. Yeah, strawberries have gotten expensive. Strawberries right now are $9.

There was a period of time where strawberries only cost a dollar. Yeah, when they're in season. Do you know how... It's winter. Fine, fine. I'll get Tej to hack it so that everything weighs nothing. And then I'll weigh... Why didn't you get Ramsey to hack it?

I'll get Ramsey and Tej to work together. To make everything weigh nothing. And then they'll go and put everything on the scales and it'll weigh nothing. And the people working there will be like you can have this for free yeah although i guess i can only get fruit and vegetables surely you'd be like hey here's the list of shit that i need right can you find the barcode and you can hack the system so you input that and it's just maybe

they're only like a dollar or maybe like for free or 50 cents or something it's funny if i make it so they hack it so everything's only like a couple of bucks and they come to me and they give me a bill. Yeah, we did a heist on Safeway. 20 bucks. 20 bucks. $20 for an entire shop. That's not bad actually. You could make like

six or seven soups. Yeah, that's true. 20 bucks? Yeah, that's... Will I have to do a sort of like fast and the furious post-movie barbecue for them i mean that's on me that's part of this experience like they're also shoplifting all the delicious meats and uh coronas i don't know if i want to do that you have to you're using well you'll have to put coronas at zero dollars yeah well i guess as long as i don't have to use the vegetables I got them to heist But you need to go get more vegetables

Because you're hosting them As a thank you for doing this Can I just do sausages and Corona? You can do sausages And then I keep the vegetables for myself Sausages and Corona? This is the most fantastic gang in the world They need more than sausages and Corona.

Like a couple of risoles? Risoles at least. Get one of those barbecue packs that has sausages and risoles in it. Like the pepper steaks you can get from, you know, you just chuck them on the barbie, you overcook it, it tastes garbage. It's funny to imagine as part of the list that I've given them, there is one of those barbecue packs, and as they

heist it, they're like, I think he's gonna give us a terrible barbecue. Cause I am. I'm trying my best not to pay the Flaz and the Furious crew for some reason. Well, I wonder if you could, you know, expand

this slightly bigger and maybe try and heist the entire store. Oh, bring it back to my house. Do you reckon they could do some kind of heist wherein my house presently becomes the Safeway and I get to live in the Safeway? Yeah, I reckon so.

Yeah, I think they can help you move house into the Safeway. I figured they'd do a swap. They'd rip up your house from the foundations that you're in and move that where the Coles is. They'd put it in the back of a big truck and they'd put the Coles in the back of a big truck and then do a switcheroo.

Well, they'd use magnets. They'd use magnets. You know like when Ramsay is driving that big magnet truck and she gets in the car, she's like, hey guys, this is a bad time to say that I cannot drive. Yes, it is a bad time. She figures it out. She nuts it out on the road. The streets of Edinburgh. Edinburgh streets are not easy cannot drive. She figures it out. She nuts it out on the road.

The streets of Edinburgh. Edinburgh streets are not easy to direct yourself. It's a real trial by fire. Yeah, it's all right. Ramsey learned how to drive. You don't know how to drive? Good. She can teach you.

Maybe I just get them to do that. How to drive. That's a great idea. And yours, yeah. That'd be nice. It's drive. That's a great idea. Their time. And yours, yeah. Yeah. That'd be nice. It's beneficial. Yeah, that's a much better idea.

Forget the Safeway and stuff. Yeah. And you'll save more money this way anyway. Yeah. Get them to teach you how to drive. And heist. And heist. You can give a man a fish he'll eat for a day.

You teach a man to fish he'll eat forever. Yeah, that's true. And then I can steal the Safeway and live in it myself. Yes. It's kind of always been a fantasy of mine to live in a Safeway. Yeah. But small? Like a rat? Like in the walls or in the back room?

Well, sort of like just being able to eat anything in a Safeway at any time. Is it a sexual fantasy? Not really. Sounds horny. Yeah. Are you tiny in this?

Are you nude? Are you tiny and nude? If I was tiny and nude in a safe way, that would kick ass. I'm not going to deny that, but I still don't think it's necessarily sexual. I think it's primal, if it's anything. Oh, yeah. Okay, I've heard that defense before. No, it's necessarily sexual. I think it's primal, if it's anything. Oh, yeah. Okay, I've heard that defense before.

No, it's not horny. It's not horny. My wet dream was primal. It's primal. I'm going back to caveman times when cavemen were tiny little nude guys eating a big can of beans or whatever. I remember that when they were getting into this packet of snakes. Yeah.

Cavemen. Lucky blocks. I was there for that. Borrowing into some Coco Pops. Imagine you'd pour out your Coco Pops. There's a little nude man in there. You'd kill him with a book. I wouldn't. I would never kill a tiny little man with my Coco Pops.

I'd be a bit shocked. And then I'd... I think you'd do it out of panic. I would not do it out of panic. Of. I would not do it out of panic. Of course I would not. Oh, my God, are you kidding? I'd be like a tiny little man. I'd pick him up in my little hands and say,

hey, little guy, what do you need? Yeah, what's going on? I just want to go back to Safeway. Okay, fella. I fell asleep in the Cocoa Pops. Not again. So in your... Hang on.

Let's unpack this. So in your fantasy, you want to be a little tiny man who's nude in a packet of Coco Pops. Say one of us goes and buys a packet of Coco Pops, and as we're pouring it out, you pop out, and you expect us to kill you. With a book. If I was pouring out Coco Pops. Knowing that this is a sexual fantasy of yours to be a little nude man in a packet of Coco Pops. No, that's not part of the sexual fantasy.

It's just an unfortunate thing that might happen. If I was pouring out Coco Pops. It, that's not part of the sexual fantasy. It's just an unfortunate thing that might happen. If I was pouring out Coco Pops... It's one of the risks. Yeah, exactly. In the fetish community. Getting squished with a big heavy book. And that's why it's part of the you know, I get it. Oh, I don't get it. I understand. But the danger,

some fetishes have danger. Yours does too. That's not part of the fetish. And it's not a fetish. It is a fetish and that's okay. We would never yuck your yum. This is a safe space. If I was pouring out Cocoa Puffs and a rat came out, I might panic and hit it with a book. That's fucked up.

I would if you just had a panic. I'd be like, ah, ah, because I don't know what I'm seeing. Even more so if it's a little naked man. How many books do you have on hand when you're pouring out Cocoa Puffs? How many books? Why is it a big book? What are you trying to prove you read? What would you guys do with La Familia?

Do you think? Oh, I'd get them to teach me to swim. They are good educators. That is fair. Then run that great swim school. I can't go next. Okay. They haven't run that great swim school. I can't go next. Joel Zammett brave. Because when Jackson checked out, no one wants to jump in because the energy in this is...

It's aggressive. It's confrontational. Well, I'm a man with small needs. I don't really need a lot to do in my sort of day-to-day life. There's got a couple things going on. So one, my backyard is a piece of shit and I need someone to build a shed and maybe do some landscaping. Also, I'm not great at training my cats not to shit on the floor.

So can they do that? And maybe try and get them to stop them jumping up on the kitchen counter. So at the moment, if you look in my kitchen, I've, like, covered the bench in tinfoil to stop them from jumping up. And that is my solution. I haven't used the stove in two days. I can help you train your cats, if you want. But are you La Familia?

Just do that. It's very funny. Cats are not not they just weren't domesticated they're just not meant to everyone's like yeah when we domesticated cats it's like we tricked ourselves into thinking we domesticated yeah when we talk about cats and dogs like they're the same thing that is the most psycho move that we have ever made as a society. They are not the same. Cats are 100% in control, but they're not. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You look at, like, you know, with Big Wolf, we're like, hey, wolf, don't eat us and we'll give you this delicious steak. And the wolf's like, all right. Oh, okay. And then the cats are like, what's going on over there? If I let you touch me and I tolerate it, can I have some kibble? It just feels like the cat was one day like, I live in your house now. And we were like, oh, okay.

We've domesticated you. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, whatever you need to tell yourself, buddy. I'm sure. You're going to feed me. This is our cat. He's like, bless. Oh, yeah.

They're so sweet. Go on, then. So do we think, then, that it's an impossible task to get La Familia to train Zamit's cat? That's actually a good call, then, because if it's an impossible task, the people that you go to for the impossible task are La Familia.

That's true. I mean, Dom has kids. Yeah. Like, that's a skill. He probably had to tell his kids not to... Climb on the table. Yeah, or is having kids the skill? Yeah. Dom is having kids the skill?

Yeah. Because Dom can have kids. Yeah. But that's the, is that his sperm works? It's a skill. Rub it in. Dom, okay. That's all right.

I don't know if it's a skill. I reckon it's a set of circumstances. Do we think, I know this is big coming from me, but do you think it's a waste of the La Familia's time to build a shed for Zamit? Well. Yeah. Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if I'm going to steal a shed in someone else's better garden? What if I have a neighbor around and I covet their garden?

And I'm like, hey, La Familia, steal it for me. I like the image of a car speeding away and chains going back into a garden, and then all of the vegetables are like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, down into the ground, and they just bring you a whole veggie patch. I think that's sick. Yeah. That is sick. So like tying chains to the bottom of carrots.

Yeah. And taking them to your garden that way. But then I guess you've pulled the carrot out, so I don't know if you can replant it. I don't know how carrots work. That's weird. Maybe if I can hire them long term to maintain a garden? Oh, okay. So you want to use them as gardens and cat nannies.

Yeah. And you're not going to pay them. I wonder if throughout history there's an example of what that would be. I can't think of a single one. Yeah, no, that seems fine and normal. My European roots are saying that's completely fine. What's their motivation usually? Yeah.

Threats? Friendship? Usually family. Yeah. Okay, motivation. Family. Their records are going to be family. Yeah. Okay, motivation. Family. Yeah. Their records are going to be wiped.

Oh, yeah. That happens all the time. It's like just staying out of prison. It's always family because at the end of the day, staying out of prison means the family stays together, right? That's true. And a lot of the time it's to wipe somebody else's record so that they won't be always running from the law.

It's always about wiping a record or whatever, and then they take on the task and then it becomes personal for whatever reason. But it's always presented to them as like if you don't do this, you go to Priz. If you do do this, you won't have to go to Priz for all of those DVD players you took back in the early 2000s. Yeah, wow.

Talk about the snowball effect, you know? Wow. Take a couple of DVD players. Here I am talking to Mr. Nobody. Could I steal a kid? That's a motivation, a kid theft. Yeah. Oh, okay.

That's family. That's family. Yeah. He doesn't even know he has that kid. And then they're like, hey, you had a kid and I have the kid. It's like so much. Slow down. How much proof does he need?

Because if I get a random kid, say like a nephew or a cousin of mine, and I'm just like, yeah, Dom, this is your kid. Do my veggie patch. He'll believe it, apparently. He'll just believe it. Your kid might have pissed off my love familiar Well yeah what happens It's fine you just put them on a plane

Jason Statham will get them in the end It's fine Your family's killed by Jason Statham But it's a small price to pay for having cats That don't climb on the counters And a shed That you didn't even have to build And if it's also following The trajectory of other Fast and the Furious films,

one thing you can do, because Zabit, you've gone second, meaning that by this point, Jackson is part of La Familia. Oh, that's true, I am! Which means that you can probably also wager, like, if you do this, you could wipe Jackson's records from stealing from the supermarket. Oh, yeah. Totally. That's true.

Erase the crimes of making us think about you being a little nude man running around the supermarket and then being crushed by a big book in your cereal. Yeah. We're never forgetting that, nor moving on. I like that crime of tiny murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'll be worth it for sure.

That's cool. And now Zama's part of La Familia too. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you reckon there'd be- How many of them are there in La Familia? Because that seems like a lot of people milling around my house. Yeah, it's heaps.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot. Well, they don't all live together. It's not a Brady Bunch situation. Well, I know that, but I can't- I want to entertain them. Yeah, oh, okay. Well, that's why you need the shed. Yeah.

That's true. Plus, then they can build, like, a barbecue. I cannot stress on how much, like, my backyard sucks shit right now. No, you just get a barbecue. Once you're in the family, a barbecue just comes. Manifests. What's La Familia's opinions on pizza ovens? I've never asked them.

I feel like they'd like a pizza oven, though. Seems like they kind of think Dom would be impressed by Yeah I think Dom would like that Dom is short for Domino's As we know Domino's Toretto So I think he'd really like it We'll get one of them built as well

And then have them around Have a nice barbecue They could admire the shed they've built Stole I could be like thanks for wiping my death Dude nobody remembers that I wanted to be They could admire the shed they've built Yeah It's pretty good Stole Stole Same thing I could be like Thanks for wiping my death dude Nobody remembers that

I wanted to be A tiny nude man Crushed with a book Coming out of Coco Pops Yeah I don't know what that means Stop bringing it up Now we have to fix it again Yeah

I've only got space for one shed Okay cool That's perfect Has this ever happened to you? You look down and, oh, no, my titties are out, and I've spilled sauce on them from this sausage roll I'm currently eating. If only I had a T-shirt to cover up my shame and not get my titties sauced. Well, do we have the solution for you.

Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and grab a tea today. Maybe you want the world to know that the vibe check is good. Or may I suggest the Saucy Boys tea, the perfect tea to mop up any sauce-based liquid to save you the embarrassment of dripping sauce on your uncovered chest. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com slash shop. What about you, JD? I think I'm going to use La Familia to get me into NASA.

Oh, nice. What are you going to do there? Go to space. Oh, okay. They've been to space. They've been to space, but I haven't. But they could take you. They know their way around.

That's true. They do think while they're in space, while they're looking at Earth, they're like, oh, okay, this is probably – I'm going to die. We're going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought they were going to die too. Yeah.

I think we all did. Especially because in the movie Romans – Because of hell. It's crazy. It's impossible. They didn't die. They should have died. Really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of physics and everything. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's not important. I'll worry about it when they put me in the car and I'm like, hang on a second, guys. I like it. Shouldn't we die? And they're like, oh, we can't die. And I'm like, I don not important. I'll worry about it when they put me in the car and I'm like, hang on a second, guys. Shouldn't we die?

And they're like, oh, we can't die. And I'm like, I don't know if I... I don't know if I'm in La Familia enough yet to be immortal. I like that your request's getting downgraded. You're like, can you please take me to NASA? And they're like, yeah, yeah, actually, we're going to put you in a car. Just fire that into space. That's still... Still pretty good.

It is pretty good. It's a rare experience that only two men that I'm aware of... That's still... Still pretty good. It is pretty good. It's a rare experience that only two men that I'm aware of have done before. What would you do in space? Just hang out for a bit and then come back

and then be like, I went to space. Feels like you're wasting it. Are you going to go to the international space station? It feels like going to space is a waste. No, it feels like you're wasting it

while you're in space. What do you want to do in space? I don't know, throw stuff around, watch it float, float yourself. Have a nap, see what that's like in zero G. Yeah, take a dog or something, see how it responds. They've been to space before. Dogs.

Before us, it was sad. Platypus? Platypus hasn't been to space. Bring the platypus. That's important. It'll swim because it thinks it's in the sea. That's really cute. But it's floating in space.

Aren't they incredibly poisonous? Isn't there a chance that a platypus could kill me? I think the boys are. I think they've got a poisonous thumb. They've got a little barb. What? Platypus boys have poisonous thumbs, and I think the pain is one of the most painful stings you can experience.

So maybe don't bring a platypus. I'm Googling this very quickly. No, that's fine. Bring a big bird. Have we sent birds to space? It's fucked up if we haven't. I think they're too small. I think that it would be too much pressure.

You could take an emu. Yeah, an emu's big. I wonder if it's got something to do with birds' bones are hollow or something, so that I can imagine them just exploding under G. Okay, bring a big chicken, like one of them Brahmin boys. Yeah. An emu. A cassowary.

You can't bring a cassowary into space. That's the most dangerous thing in the world. It'll be interesting. There's a lot of birds. I'll be like, laugh at me. You're going to get me into space with this army of birds. What are you doing? I just want to see what they do.

See how they react. See what their reaction is. So we sent dogs to space. We sent chimps to space. Have we sent a cat? Yeah, probably. There's been a cat. There's been a tortoise.

His name is Horsefield. Oh, my God. He was sent by the Soviet Union. Horses. Horsefield the tortoise. No, but horses in space. That's something we haven't done. They're big.

They'll probably body it. And I could ride a horse on the moon. It's awesome to imagine a horse in a NASA space suit. I'm into that. Well, I don't think you should ride the horse in space. I think it's complicated. But yeah, you could do it. Oh, it's zero G,

right? The horse could ride you. You could ride me. Take it in turns. That's way more fun. You could have turns. That'd be so nice. Come on, little buddy. Get on. You canter around the moon with a horse on your back?

Roman and Tash watching, being like, he's doing it. I'd cry. And also, it'd be good because in the future, people would be on the moon and they'd be like, look, there's horse footprints and people footprints, but then at this point onwards, there's only people footprints. And people would be like, oh, that like, no, it's beautiful because the horse didn't float into space.

The horse rode the man. It's like a weird. And then they both floated into space. And then when, like, you know, the man is just like, horse, when I needed you the most, where were you? And the horse was like, well, that was when you carried me. Oh, yeah. That's great. Why haven't we said a horse into space?

I don't know. Well, me and Mark have. Can't make a space helmet. It's possible. Yeah. What about a goat? A goat's good. A goat's great.

I think horses would probably come down to the fact that NASA... Don't have any. Yeah. They're unfortunately a space organization on a farm, so they couldn't get a horse. Yeah, that makes sense. That's so sad. Yeah. How you design a seat.

This is a bit like the how would a horse wear jeans thing. Yeah. But when you make a space helmet for a horse. It's got to cover its whole head. Yeah. But does that mean that you make just a huge sphere? Or do you make it horse head shaped? You make it horse head shaped.

Okay. I was just asking. I was trying to figure it out. I was thinking big sphere though. Yeah. See? I thought there would be some debate. But also, like, where are they sitting? Yeah.

Like, when that goes off in, like... Yeah, no, that's, I think, probably part of the reason why you haven't sent really big animals to space is because getting them up there seems odd. Yeah, there's no horse in space. But there is a horse called Ghost who does work for the space program. What? He's called Ghost, but he can go onto something to do with the beach and rockets.

I don't know. I just did a quick skim. You'll have to Google it yourself. What are they doing with this horse? Do we think? Pull something. That horse has experienced G-force or zero gravity? I hope that horse has experienced zero gravity.

I hope that horse has just had Gravity. I hope that horse has just had a lovely normal life. That's fair too. Just had some salt and a lovely time. In Zero Gravity. Ate a coconut. You know, something that I don't think a horse should do.

I hope he gets real nice plaits. It's got big, beautiful... Nass is great at naming the animals they sent to space like they named that tortoise horse field there was that that was the soviet union not nasa oh it wasn't if you're sending an animal to space then i guess you got to give it a good name like that chimpanzee they sent to space named ham you know ham the chimpanzee they sent to space also i think they don't name they're not born to go to space. I think they're selected. I'm sure, like any other human, there's a rigorous training program.

Well, I know with Ham, her kids were trained to go to space because they were like, this chimpanzee's got space. We know she can do it. So her kids probably can. Like Will Smith's kids. Yeah, exactly. So what is the biggest animal? I think Ham got a military funeral. Sorry, go on. Congratulations, exactly. So what is the biggest animal we've seen in space? I think Ham got a military funeral.

Sorry, go on. Congratulations, Ham. What's the biggest animal we've seen in space? Probably a guy, I would assume. Yeah, I reckon just like a really big guy. That's disappointing. That's disappointing. It's not big, you know?

I mean, I don't know. It depends on how big. I don't want big. It could be really big The most impressive person Or do astronauts have the same thing as like Jockeys where they're like belittled Because that's better

I don't think so I don't think that's what this is They get smaller Yeah It's like by a foot Then you pack them in It's like five foot. Then you pack them in. Maybe.

I'm going to go ahead and say no. I'm sure there's weight requirements and height requirements. Yeah, but I think they're looking for jockeys. Otherwise, every jockey would retire to become an astronaut or vice versa. That'd be awful. I don't like jockeys. No, that's fair. No offense, but I hate all of you, all jockeys. Get off the horses. Stop whipping. Leave them alone. But that, but I hate all of you, all jockeys. Get off the horses.

Stop whipping them. Leave them alone. But that solves two problems because people you hate, first of all- Go into space. Yeah, they're leaving Earth. But then also it's also fixing the problem because then the horses don't have people. That's true. Horses get to ride free. Because all the jockeys are in space.

We can also send horse trainers to space too if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to campaign to send all of the jockeys to space. And all factory farmers. Anyone who's ever mistreated an animal to space. We can also send horse trainers to space too if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to campaign to send all of the jockeys to space. And all factory farmers. Anyone who's ever mistreated an animal to space. But just fight like a rocket launcher. Like not in like a... Yeah, they're not going anywhere.

I'm talking about murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As punishment. Like a big book that we can use. Really big book, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be pretty funny, though, if this backfires and then it was just a colony on the moon of cunts. One day there will be. That's true, too.

Well, actually, I guess this is, I'm changing my approach. It's still the same vibe. I'm going to use Love Famia to help campaign for a new thing where every terrible person goes to the moon, and then I'm going to use La Familia to destroy the moon. Oh, yeah. That seems up their alley. That seems like something they could do.

I don't know. Would they destroy the moon? What if we just heist the moon? They could steal the moon. Maybe swap it with one of Jupiter's moons, which seem cooler. Yeah, like fake out fake it with the safe Yeah exactly Yeah people are like

Phoebe, Phoebus What's that one called Yeah I think Phoebus is one of Jupiter's moons Yeah one of those sick moons And then like when all the guys from SpaceX Or whatever and junkies Are on our moon we just send that moon to Jupiter I'm like forget about it

See you around. And then the gravity's huge and they all become disks or whatever. And then I read the newspaper one day and I'm like, Elon Musk is dead. And I say, hmm, good. Sweet, that rolls. Great news. Yeah, so I reckon they'd be into it.

Yeah, I think that's a great method of using the La Familia. Yeah. And I think, as opposed to mine and Zamit's, it seems like a worthwhile use of their time. Yeah, because, I mean, it's things that they would, it would kind of follow the trajectory of, like, things they do where it's like,

that's the craziest thing that's ever happened to a human being, but they can't talk about it because it's a secret mission. But their records are now wiped, so they're stuck. It just feels like it's almost like heisting the moon is like an afterthought. It's like they need to either move the tide somehow or it needs to be this like, we need to raise

like, have a wave at this point in time. What's the best way to do that? Well, if we move the moon a bit. Yeah, now you're thinking like a screenwriter. Yeah. For F11. We're going to have to tie Yeah, now you're thinking like a screenwriter. Yeah. For F11. F11. F11.

We're going to have to tie a rope to the moon and then tie it to the back of my Chevrolet. Yeah, and that will be strong enough. Just use the NOS. It will be strong enough. Big fucking rockets on one side, on the dark side of the moon, that will just ignite, and then we'll hoof it a little bit, like a couple inches one way, And then maybe we just keep going.

One of the ropes will break when you're using the NOS, but then Dom will open the car door and grab the rope. And he'll be holding onto the steering wheel and the rope and the moon will be pulled. Is he trailing the moon around Earth now? Are they trying to make an eclipse happen? Pull the moon in front of the sun? Yeah. That's cool. There's like a certain safe that's all like solar powered and it only will go off when

there's an eclipse, but there won't be one for maybe a couple of weeks. We can't wait that long. Got to make the eclipse come to us. So when the eclipse happens. Sorry. Got to make the eclipse come to us. Thank you. Goodness sake.

I'm so sorry. With respect. The vaults are pre-programmed to know when the eclipses are. So if we bring an eclipse forward, then it all unlocks and we can get into the vault. What's happening to your accent? You're getting all over the place. I love the attempt at a really long sentence in an accent you can't do. I'm going to say heaps of stuff and I am going to just say it up here.

It was really bold of you. Actually gorgeous. I loved it. I was born to perform. Clearly. So yeah, that's my plan Which leaves The last member of this crew Michelle, how are you using La Familia? Okay, I wanted to do

Two things This is a very selfish thing But I think they'd be really great at like Flyering on the street For a fringe show I just think they would really It's lending some star power I feel like Dom's a great salesman.

They can hack it so that nobody else's tickets can be sold. I just think it's really helpful to have them in the street team. It's an important. And then maybe saying, come see the show name, which is. Average Bear. Michelle Grazier, Average Bear at Assembly The Box at, I don't know, 5 or 6 p.m. for all of August. Can we get an impression of how Dom might advertise it?

Oh, come along to see the wake-up Michelle Brazier. Please don't be upset that this is sort of an amalgamation of your accent and somebody else's. I know you don't sound like this at all, but this is how I talk because I'm Dominic Toretto. And I just want you to come along and see it. It's won lots of awards. It's never had an unsold seat in its whole life.

It's actually fantastic. She's filmed it for a telly special. You come along and see it. It's won lots of awards. It's never had an unsold seat in its whole life. It's actually fantastic. She's filmed it for a telly special. You should come and see it. Dominic Toretto, I'm sold. I'm there. Exactly. That's how it would go. But my real thing, my real thing that I would use them to do,

inspired by your NASA thing. So at the Melbourne Arts Centre, there is, and I just heard whispers ofispers of this and i was drinking so i'm going to remember it incorrectly but i did my show there this year at melbourne international comedy festival it was really fun it felt very fancy to be in such a big and fancy room in such a big and fancy art center and i heard whispers that there is a room a secret room that's like made of mirrors or has a lot of mirrors or has some jewels or has like all of those things. And they took Lady Di there.

Now, I don't know if that's where she is now. I just want to see the room. It's like a secret room they took Lady Di to and maybe some other people, but like only very special. So I want the family to get me into the Lady Di room. Whoa. I will say that if I knew, if I heard this story, I'd be a bit scared of the room because I know what happened to Lady Di. And I'd be like, was that a concert?

Or do you? Or do you? Are you going to enter into the Lady Di room and she's going to be like, welcome. That's a famous Lady Di impression. You can't leave this room. The Queen will kill you if you do. Everyone knows that Lady Di sounds the same as Dominic Torelli.

Exactly the same. It's really hard to tell them apart. Actually, no, that's not true. She sounds like Helen Mirren in Fast and Furious. All right, love, welcome right down the main chain. Come into the room, we've got mirrors. That's why the whole relationship was doomed from the start. Lily was just like, that uncouth accent.

Exactly. I should be clear, I did go to acting school where they did have accents as an elective, but I did not elect them. Well, you didn't need to. Yeah, you already were good at it. Oh, yeah? Ask someone from the UK what they think of those accents. an elective, but I did not elect them. What? Well, you didn't need to. Yeah, you already were good at it. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Ask someone from the UK what they think of those accents.

I'm pretty sure they would say you aced it. They would be like, her Australian accent's really impressive. That's what they would say. Yeah, her base UK accent. Generic. Generic. I'm from London. Yeah, no, that's how they all say it. generic generic from London

that's how they all say it all throughout the UK we've been there basically one accent with a couple tiny changes it is so many accents I think the best way to let Michelle know how her accent was is to buy a ticket to Average Bear

at the Fringe Festival. Tell her in person. I agree. Truly agree. Enjoy the show. Yeah. So just watch the show. Enjoy.

Clap. Standing ovation at the end. Yeah, of course. Then after the show, if you see Michelle flyering, then you're like... Hey. You sound...

Your accent? And then... Then after you say that to Michelle, you're then going to buy a ticket to whatever night the flyer is for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, I mean, obviously the flyers are for the whole Michelle, you're then going to buy a ticket to whatever night the flyer is for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, I mean, obviously the flyers are for the whole run,

so you're going to buy a ticket the whole run. You've got to get to see every single show. Yeah, I'm not going to get specific day flyers printed. That makes sense. I just feel like that would be expensive and stupid. That would be a fucked up thing to do when I think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would be a fucked up thing to do when I think about it and it would be like

what if something that everyone at Edinburgh Fringe hates doing was 30 times worse because every single day yeah make it worse what would you do once you got in the mirror room obviously we don't know all of its secrets

but what would be your next step I would pat heaps of dogs. I'd bring heaps of dogs in and I'd pat all the dogs. I'd sit there and I'd pat all the dogs and I'd look around in all the mirrors and I'd be like, this is infinite dogs. Holy shit. And I'd bring a sandwich. Oh, my God, I'd be so happy.

That's good. They might serve you a sandwich, though. Yeah, we don't know what happens in the lady diver room. I don't know if you have to tell them your dietaries before you break in. I have exactly the same feelings about secret rooms as you do, Michelle, in which if I hear about them, I need to be in them. Yeah. What's that put in the Vatican?

Isn't there, like, underground shit? Or did I just read the Da Vinci Code and accept it as true? No, there's underground shit in the Vatican. The Da Vinci Code is a documentary. Yeah. Mary Magdalene was Jesus Christ's wife or whatever that movie says. Tom Hanks was there. That's true.

He's a professor of a legitimate thing that is definitely taught in schools. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the Vatican's got all the secret Bible stuff we're not allowed to see, yeah? Oh, and there's a whole drawer of penises. There's heaps of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got the penis drawer. Yeah. They've got a, there's a Bible, like, section of the Bible that was too horny, too hot for regular eyes, and they got rid of it.

What? Yeah, it's called, like, the Gospel of Eve or something, and it's like, I think it's, like, basically just erotica. And they were like, we should get rid of this from the Bible. But I disagree. This is how God wants you to fuck. Well, yeah, because isn't there, this might be me misremembering something that is fictional

and my brain's twisted into nonfiction. Yeah. Isn't there like every, say every tens of years, they kind of like revise the Bible and they're like, oh, is there any like gospels we should add in? Because there's ones that just aren't published.

Maybe. Yeah, yeah. And there's a bunch of apocrypha and stuff as well that they're like is it the bible isn't it the bible i don't i don't think the catholic or christian dogma would like that if they revised it for 10 years i think that's a there might be a misremember i don't know either but i just i mean they do though they do change things yeah there's like a new additions come out one of the one of the gospels the book of the first one was written mark i think it was mark mark matthew luke yeah mark i know that whole i know the whole gospel yeah

mark's gospel ends but then they wrote another part that I did not. No, that's confirmed Catholic. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I can tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mark's gospel ends, but then they wrote another part that wasn't written by the same guy because they're like, huh, that isn't. That's not Mark. Well, no. Yeah, because the book ends with like Jesus was nailed to the cross the end. Yeah. And they're like, well, that's not a miracle.

That's a man died. So then they bring like anything. So that point onwards is like another chapter where they're like, and he came back way as well what a psycho way to kill people and they're like this book this time of history is the way to live now it's like that is the most psycho thing to do to a person what we'll right, is we will nail them to a fucking cross. Put them on a hill. And then we'll erect the cross on a hill so everyone can have a little look and a little goss. You're a fucking psycho.

Write it now where it's like, you know, if you don't have hot water, you don't have to pay rent for a month. Like, it's normal. It's a better time now. I should write it. I'll use La Familia to write a new Bible. Whoa. The Book of La Familia. Yes.

That would be pretty good. The Gospel According to Dom. Nice values. The Gospel According to Dom is great. You can have, like, runways that go for hours and hours, all kinds of things. Good moral lessons as well. That's true.

Yeah, good point. It's not about just living a good life. It's also about like, well, there are certain things that you have to do to protect La Familia and that can be betraying La Familia to further protect La Familia. That's true. Wow. And not just living a good life, but living that good life a quarter mile at a time. Whoa.

Holy shit. living a good life but living that good life a quarter mile at a time holy shit well in the fast and furious movie uh dom is i guess the role of jesus and the role of judas because he betrays law familiar that's true but it's for a greater cause which isn't what judas does judas does it for money then he jumps off a cliff because he's like i shouldn't have done that he hangs himself on a tree and oh that's right did judas. He hangs himself on a tree. Oh, that's right. Did Judas kill himself? Yeah. Yeah. He was cut about it all.

Oh, my God. That's who said I loved him. Yeah. He's my Stan Judas. He was so hot in that Lady Gaga film clip. Yeah. Oh, my God. Hotest apostle.

Ripper Judas. But then there's also a cool part of the Bible that people don't talk about. Yeah. It's not in all the versions, but because Jesus dies on Good Friday. Wait, what? Yeah, spoilers. Pretty good Friday. Dude, I'm weird.

I'm not up to that. It's so hot in Jesus Christ's superstar. And then on Sunday, he comes back, and everyone's like, what happened Saturday? Because Jesus died for the sins. I assumed Jesus was just hanging around on Saturday. Why is it Good Friday that he's dead and not good Sunday when he's back? It should be bad Friday. I agree. I don't understand.

But yeah, on the Saturday, apparently he goes to hell. Oh, what's he doing there? Because he dies for everyone's sins. He goes to hell and he's like, hey, don't worry about it. You're good now. Was it horny there? Oh, probably. Hell's horny.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I reckon hell's heaps horny. A lot of cool shit's happening in hell. I think so, too. Yeah. That's where I hope I go. Yeah, probably a lot of tiny nude people. Yeah, they got mirror rooms.

They got mirror safeways. Whoa. The lady dies there. No, just kidding. She would never be there. No, that's true Because she's still alive Wait what?

Oh my god She was so hot In Diana the musical So I think like When it comes down to it There was no wrong answers today Except for Jackson's Which was fucked up

Madison's a little nude man Getting hit by a book Well that wasn't what I was Going to do with La Familia That was just a thing I think is a risk if I'm tiny and nude in a supermarket.

It's good to assess the risk. Yeah, risk assessment. It's good. Yeah. I think so. Well, yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. I was Joel too. And new Joel, aka Michelle, where can we find you and maybe do you have a show coming up

for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival that you could plug? No, I'm too shy. She's modest. You can find me at Michelle Brazier on Instagram and Twitter. You can see my show in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Fringe. I'm also doing a show about getting scammed in July at Comedy Republic in Melbourne and Average Bear in Sydney.

I'm doing a lot of stuff. You just look me up and I'll be screaming about what I'm doing. You can go see my tour dates. But please do come and see me if you are based in the UK or Europe and you're going to be around for Edinburgh because it's a good show. Honestly, it's won a lot of awards. I'm really worried about how I'm going to follow it up.

So do come. This could be the peak. It's important that you see me while I'm hot because next year could just be a real letdown. It is probably like it's rare to have two shows pretty much at the same time that are both critically acclaimed and I would be so scared if I was in your spot. So I'm glad to hear you're also.

Yeah, I have no idea what's going to happen. But even writing the second show, it's not my second show, but the show after Average Bear, I was like, fuck, I'm a fraud. And then I wrote that and I did it and I was like, actually, I'm a genius and now I'm back to fraud. I'm in full fraud mode trying to write something new. Okay, well, I'll be in this in like a couple months.

You'll be like, I'm a genius again. Yeah, it won't be until it's open. It will not be until it is open and I have had people clap. And then I'm like, oh, my God, you're right. Oh, my God, thank you. I am still young, hot and a genius. You're absolutely right. That's what every clap at a live show means. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Oh my God, thank you. I am still young, hot, and a genius. You're absolutely right. That's what every clap at a live show means.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So buy tickets to all of Michelle's shows. Go clap. Please. Thank you so much for joining us, Michelle. And yeah, like I just said, everyone go to her shows. Thanks for having me. Fly to Edinburgh.

Go see Michelle's show. No one else's show, just Michelle's. Don't see anyone else's. Don't see Michelle's. They're going to be garbage on the other shows. And we didn't agree to that. Honestly, we didn't agree that we were going to see other shows. It's fine if that's our relationship, but that's not the terms

that we've set. You can see Average Bear most nights. You can see it every night. You don't need other shows. You'll You can see Average Bear most nights. You can see it every night. You don't need other shows. You'll be busy seeing Average Bear. And the dynamic will change. After a few nights, maybe we'll just watch a movie. One who's passionate.

But it's going to be still really lovely. After a while, we'll be comfortable together. Maybe we'll get a dog or something. Isn't that what we're all after? Isn't that what we want in life? Just comfort. It is what we want. We just want comfort. Yeah, it is what we want. We just want comfort.

It is. Go see a show. Do you want more of this bullshit but don't want the commitment of Sandspans Plus? I get it. Too many shows, a good chunk of them are D&D, and I don't know if you know this, but that shit is for nerds.

And RSS feeds are confusing as all hell. So we've teamed up with ACARS to provide a plumbing sampler. For five US bucks a month, you get a monthly bonus episode not available on the regular feed, as well as our monthly What If show that was, until now, only available to Sandspant's Kings. That's two extra episodes a month, an increase of 50% more bullshit, you also get episodes without any dynamic ad insertions, and the undying gratitude of one of the hosts of your choice. Just head to plus.acast.com slash s slash plumbingthedeadstar,

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