Plumbing the Death Star - How Would Your Newspaper Discredit the Spider-Man?

Episode Date: June 5, 2022

Reckon you could discredit Spider-Man better? Come yell it at our face tonight (June 6) at the Retreat Hotel in Brunswick at 7pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you're listening to this on the day it came out and are currently in Melbourne with nothing to do this evening, why not let three handsome and stupid boys be your company tonight? For one night only, Plumbing the Death Star are doing a free gig at the Retreat Hotel in Brunswick this Monday the 6th of June starting at 7pm. You cannot buy tickets, there is limited, so arrive early, get yourself a feed, and park that fat ass front and centre to enjoy some hot ropes of comedy straight from us to you. And then, when you catch up with a mate and want to tell them about the show,

well, you can just snowball that comedy right back to them. And then they can do it to you, and then you can do it to them, and back and forth. Beautiful. So see you tonight at the Retreat Hotel in Brunswick at 7pm. Wear something warm and practical. It's Melbourne in the winter. It's most likely going to be cold and going to rain.

You're listening to the Sandspant Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking the important questions like, how would your newspaper discredit the Spider-Man? So we— Whoa! We both went in for it. We were both eager.

J. Jordan Jameson. J. Jordan Jameson. J. Jordan Jameson. The big J-man. The.J. Jamison. J.J. Jamison. J.J. Jamison. The big J man. The big J man himself. Trip J.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all of him. His newspaper, Daily Bugle. That's so well. Doing a pretty good job. It's currently the number one

primo newspaper if you want anti-Spider-Man articles. If you're looking for a newspaper to talk shit about that guy,

no better place to get it. You go up to the bodega in New York, you say, hey, I'm a guy who hates Spider-Man. What could you recommend for me? Oh, my God. Do I have that newspaper for you? You familiar with the Daily Bugler, as I like to call it? The fuck Spider-Man Daily? I have not.

This sounds right up my alley. Oh, Spider-Man. Dumb fuck knows. That's the headline. Well, here's the thing, and I think this is also where the question comes in. J. Jonah's approach getting a bit stale. Spider-Man or Spider-Menace? Exactly.

We're bored of it. Hero or villain? It's the Spider-Man, Spider-Man No More cover, but it's me walking away with the Daily Bugle in the trash can. Yawn. It's Jackson not reading the Daily Bugle no more is what it's called. See, well, I'm thinking of, look, J. Jonah, he's kind of getting a bit old hat in terms of what he's sort of doing. Is he managing that?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So if I was editing of, let's say, the Daily French Horn. Yeah, yeah. Okay. This isn't in French or about French horns at all. Sacre bleu. And I'd be like, all right, okay. Our approach to this is we got to, we don't, no one knows who this Spider-Man is.

True. We don't know what he is. We don't know what he does for a living. We don't know anything about this person. However, what we do know is that he has a lot of free time to go spider-manning. So what I want to do is I want to smear Spider-Man by making the claim that what is this rich individual with too much time, this trust fund baby who thinks that they can run around and destroy our city. Once again, the elite, the rich, are taking on the little guys

and making it harder and harder for us. Do you ever see Spider-Man hunting down white-collar crime? No. Do you ever see Spider-Man going after the people who are polluting our planet? I don't. Or after the people who are committing tax fraud? I've never seen any of this. No.

You know who he's going after? The humble person who's just trying to feed their family and get smacked over the hand because they're trying to get some bread. I just want to double check. Spider-Man the city he's protecting is New York. Yeah. For Joel Zammert. Best of luck with this.

Is it a jersey? Hey Joel, does the Daily French Horn sound pro-crime to you? French Horn sound pro-crime to you? It sounds both pro-crime and anti- wealthy people, which we mostly are.

I mean, there are poorer areas. Oh, there's poorer areas? You're just going to distribute it there. Do you know what poorer areas don't buy? Newspapers. Specialist newspapers. They don't buy specialist. Specialist newspapers. Don't buy specialist newspapers.

Harassing Spider-Man. Going after him and just creating him as maybe one of the elite, one of the 1%ers, almost kind of like a trust fund baby. Do you want your child to grow up to be this? Putting himself in danger, being anti-cop maybe? Do I want my baby to grow up to be Spider-Man? I think there's a chance that this newspaper

turns... ends up getting the support because Wall Street's there. Those guys will be like, he's just like us. Spider-Man, we'd like to get you on the stock market. Which is kind of funny because Spider-Man is poor as shit and would hate this.

So I feel like... That's true. Yeah, because I like the idea of making all these things and Spider-Man getting up in shit and would hate this. So I feel like... That's true. Yeah, because I like the idea of making all these things and Spider-Man getting up in a bucket and very mad. It is easy to imagine him sitting with a sandwich on the edge of a building, rolling up his mask, opening up the Daily French horn. What the hell?

I'm not rich. I'm not rich at all. I wish I was fucking rich. What the fuck is this? I'm actually exceptionally poor right fucking now. I'm so poor. I can't afford rent. Spider-Man is probably

living in the penthouse equivalent of like six different buildings. He's probably climbing in there and like, you know, rolling around in your bed without anyone even noticing. Well, Dusha scared me about the elite, so now I've got to kind of make it

a bit more related. Yeah, I've got to kind of turn and be like, I wasa scared me about the elite, so now I've got to kind of make it a bit more He got a bit of it Yeah, I've got to kind of turn and be like, I was thinking maybe we hate the rich, but no, we love the rich So Spider-Man, who's probably spending too much of his money that he deserved because he was a trust fund kid Yes And he needed it He's spending all that hard-earned money that you did

I did Pretending to be I did do that money You did do that money Yeah, yeah I did that money A crime fighter going out, dressing up in pyjamas, and spending all this money on high-tech gadgetry. I just love the idea. You built your business up.

You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. I did do that. Here's your piece of shit kid who's spending your hard-earned cash on garbage gadgets. I just love you, like, Spider-Man sleeping in your bed. The idea of coming home, my bedroom door shut, and I'm like opening it really quickly trying to catch it. I know you're here, Spider-Man. I read it in my bed for warmth.

I read it in the newspaper. Checking my window. Spider-Man. Locked. This newspaper's made me too paranoid. I've got to unsubscribe. Spider-Man can go wherever he wants What's to say that he's not stealing from your fridge right now?

What's to say that Tony is in my bedroom Going into the garden What's to say that he is not in your attic As we speak One of them freaks who's living in an attic You've made me scared of my own home This

Yeah It depends though Because all it's going to take is one person to be like, hang on, is he rich or is he poor? Hang on, I've read one of the few people who's read two issues of the Daily Fracture. This rich pervert who gives his jollies off from sleeping in your bed. The narrative keeps changing. Rich perverts? Yeah.

We're Wall Street. We love this guy. Damn it. Wait, we're rich, but we're not perverts. Come on. Oh it. We're rich, but we're not perverts. Come on. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're not perverts. We're not perverts.

We're not perverts. We're not perverts. We're not perverts. We're not perverts. The public doesn't know about our pervasions. Well, then, do you know what happens? Yeah. If the rich are worried that you're exposing the rich perverts.

Oh, shit. The rich are coming after you. You've personally made a very strong enemy. How do I toe this line? How do I toe this line? How do I get both the rich and the poor to hate him whilst also insinuating he is rich and or

poor? I love the purpose. Every issue of the Daily French Horn has a different story to tell about Spider-Man. It keeps pivoting depending on what the editor was like. Oh, have you thought about this? Shit, shit, shit. We've got to stop releasing our issues without even thinking about it first.

It's also so funny when you imagine these are coming out on the same day Morning edition Spider-Man's rich How dare he No no actually He's poor and he's stealing from the rich He's not stealing from you Maybe he's one of your kids

Evening edition He's a pervert But that's good Maybe he's one of your kids. Evening edition. He's a pervert. Spending your money. But that's good. I'm sitting in my house, paranoid, scared to leave all the newspapers spread around me. Spider-Man's stealing my fucking eggs. Spider-Man's going to steal my eggs and fuck my sandwich. Holy shit.

That sandwich was for me to fuck. Yeah, my fucking sandwich on the bench. He better not fuck it. Just eyeballing it. I'm so scared to fuck it. What if he's in there? What if he gets mad at me because I fucked his fucking sandwich? What if my fucking sandwich? If I know that Ant-Man exists in this world, I'm scared Spider-Man might also have that power.

And that's why they call him Spider-Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could be in the sandwich. I don't want to accidentally fuck Spider-Man to death. He'll kill me. If I fuck Spider-Man to death, Spider-Man will kill me. The moment my penis enters between the slice of ham and lettuce, Spider-Man grabs me by the foreskin

and with his unimaginable strength, he pile drives me behind him, ruining the sandwich and my penis. Circumcised and lunch is ruined at the same time. I don't know what was going on. You'd be like, I've been betrayed by my fucking sandwich. I always knew this day would come. Oh, no.

They told me not to fuck my lunch, and I said, what's the worst that could happen? And they knew. They knew this would happen to me. Pure comeuppance from the sandwich. I guess you've got to kind of figure out, like, what's the audience of the people that I'm trying to convince to hate Spider-Man?

Because, like, yeah. New York. New York is so, like, diverse. Do I need to be, like, are we going after, like, because, yeah, you've got a couple of plays here. You can either go after people who are more, like, say, you know, the further left, the progressives. And you can kind of aim for that to be, like, all we could simply do is try and maybe make

a, own several newspapers. Well, yeah, I was going to say. And have different narratives. One, you've got like, oh, the piece of shit 1%. And you've got one being like, you know, you're, due to the fact that you probably sent your kid to college and he's learning far liberal ideas. And now he's probably, you know, using your hard-earned money to dress up like a Spider-Man. Are you saying my son is Spider-Man? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the fear of like, yeah. What if your son goes out one night and becomes Spider-Man? using your hard-earned money to dress up like a Spiderman. Are you saying my son is Spiderman?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the fear of like... What if your son goes out one night and becomes Spiderman? Yeah, you know. Why is it bad to be Spiderman newspaper? Well, it's because they're spending your money. To do what? To buy Spiderman gadgets. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then she's like, you know, I love this newspaper that answers my questions.

I like Joel Zammett's move now, which is to own several newspapers own a media corporation, I guess. A media empire built on the back of hating Spider-Man. Can you look at a few different, well, maybe one particular individual who owns a lot of, say, media operations in this country and others, but they have a different approach because while you're like, oh, you know, maybe I'll read this newspaper or that. It's like, well, yeah, but it's all variations on the theme.

So it's all variations on a theme here of like, fuck Spider-Man and his stupid eye. But one, yeah, one of them is going to be like, okay, we're going to be appealing to progressives being like, how dare this like one percenter be punching us in the face? Or trying to, you know, appeal to maybe the one percenters and be like, where did he get that money from? Is he a trust fund baby? Or is he perhaps maybe a dirt poor person who's stealing from you? And then maybe we'll go for like a Daily Mail

where we're going, he's a perfect. Joel Zammett, if the bar we set for this is if you're doing better than Daily Bugle or not, knowing that you have had to buy like multiple news pieces to get your message across. Well, it depends which one I'm going for. this is if you're doing better than Daily Bugle or not, knowing that you have had to buy, like, multiple news investigative messages across. Well, it depends which one I'm going for. Because, again, like...

Well, I think Sam is failing. It's not necessarily that he's had to buy, to begin this media empire, it's that he didn't make the decision before. That's what's happening. The thing is, I had one, and then JD threw a big spanner in my works about, like, oh, the 1% of the buying.

I'm like, fuck. Yeah, New York's a hard place for a smear campaign. Yeah. At least a successful one. I'm just like, weird, because there's three options here.

You can go with the whole like, you know, like a rag thing, which is like, he's making up stories, be like, he's a big pervert, and he's probably in your bed

stealing your eggs and fucking your fucking sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you can kind of be like, yes, yeah,

he could be any one of your kids and like, he's learning all these like, liberal, progressive ideas and he's spending your hard-earned money. Or I have of be like, yes, yeah, he could be any one of your kids and he's learning all these liberal, progressive ideas and he's spending your hard-earned money. Or I look on the newspaper and I see every single one of these newspapers is from Joel Zalman Proprietary Limited. And I'm like, hang on a second. But then also, how are you going to say,

so, yeah, I understand that you're trying to be like... Trying to hit all those markets. Hit all the markets. But at least with the Daily Bugle, I understand that you're trying to be like trying to hit all those markets hit all the markets but like at least with the Daily Bugle they have photos of Spider-Man in compromising situations where they can be like

he did this where if you're saying if you send your kids to college they might become Spider-Man and Spider-Man is radicalized left that's the one little thing about well you don't necessarily need these bitches in this current day and age. You just need opinion

pieces. Yeah, but like, what are you right? Like, how are you, like, what's your argument there? Because if I've seen Spider-Man just, like, flying around stopping crime, how are you... Well, he's scared. I guess he's trying to make me think. He's trying to make me go into my son's bedroom and be like,

hey, Timo. Hey, Timo. Hey, Timo. Hey, Timo, it's your dad. You think about becoming Spider-Man or whatever? I've been reading the daily, one of the many different editions of the French Horn or whatever. The French Horn, the Daily Clarinet,

the Weekly Harp. Yeah, they're very musical based, but they're not about music. And they seem to think you're going to, but they're not about music. No. Yeah. And they seem to think you're going to become Spider-Man, are you? No.

That's insane. I think you should join the army. Yeah. I think joining the army will stop you becoming Spider-Man. Timbo, you should join the army. Maybe I'll join the army too. Get out of New York. Yeah. Appealing to the one,

because again, smearing Spider-Man like that because you go and like who's Spider-Man going out the energy you've got

at the moment and how much you're thinking it's so funny to imagine you in a board meeting with this being like okay okay we can do this we can smear him this way

and maybe this well look I was happy where are we getting your core I was happy to go like I had the whole plan of him being like, say he's a trust fund baby and see him that way.

You, JD, threw a spanner in that work. Don't forget about Wall Street and the New York's rich. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, I guess I consume too much leftist media. Good point, good point, good point. Now I'm pivoting. Does your newspaper publish? Is there anything else in these newspapers? Well, of course, if it's any newspaper, then I assume the Daily Bugle also publishes other articles.

Yeah, so, yeah. They aren't just about Spider-Man. This is right now how we're discrediting Spider-Man. Not how would you run a newspaper. I include the weather, sports, entertainment, what's happening around town. Hey, an astronaut became a wolf. That's pretty cool. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know, these things that happen in the world. Did you see other stuff that's been going on? What's this beautiful person hanging out with this garbage Spider-Man for? I don't understand what's going on. Funny to be like, oh, my God, an astronaut's back and they're a wolf now. But fuck Spider-Man. Yeah I don't understand what's going on. Funny to be like, oh my God, astronauts back and they're a wolf now, but fuck Spider-Man. Yeah, who cares about that?

I'm about this werewolfer who is also an astronaut. More about this Spider-Man. Is Spider-Man your front page piece? Is it your front, every issue? No, it can't be every issue.

Surely it's not even every issue of the Daily View. No, no. Yeah, so it has to be the occasional thing. I'm just wondering if I was a reader

of one of your many newspapers, how annoyed I would be if I didn't care about the Spider-Man issue. Again, I think the easiest one to go to, as much as I would like the idea of Spider-Man getting shitty at a magazine because I'm not rich. Stop saying that to me. As funny as that would be, pivoting towards a Daily Mail where I'm just lying and making a scandal. Like, did you hear that Spider-Man likes to break into your house and rub his little dick and nuts

all over your ceiling fans? I'd be like, oh, what a pervert. And then, like, here's an artist's rendition of this. I'm like, oh, my God. If they drew it, it's true. If they drew it, it might as well be a photo. If it's a photo, then it happened. I'm going to dismantle my ceiling fan because

I fucking hated it now. I don't want to turn it on and get showered with Spider-Man's dick grease because you know it'll be so greasy it'll be so fucking greasy are you using that suit? oh I hate so much grease

on that fucking suit and so yeah I'd be making up like all kind of like bullshit about the superhero community it'd be the easiest one you could do

yeah Spider-Man making a news like a newspaper where you're not only just talking shit about Spider-Man but talking shit about the entire superhero community. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting, like, blasted. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm dead. I'm a dead guy. One of the many superheroes. Where does Punisher live? Yeah, who does not care about taking human lives, takes your human life.

I'm not a mob boss, so he might not kill me. Well, he might not. No, but it depends, because if your newspaper made enough of a racket to turn on the superhero community, whilst also discrediting Spider-Man, who Punisher... I mean, they're not friends, but like... He's really a friend of Frank Castle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think there'll be people that will... He's gone. That's his one friend. Well, I was just thinking, yeah, basically the same, just straight-up libel. I'm just going to tell lies about Spider-Man. I mean, Disney Bugle does that because he can't really defend himself because to sue for libel he would have to be like, I'm this guy.

But I also want to set up fake photographs of Spider-Man beating the shit out of me. I want to get a guy dressed as Spider-Man to hit me with a bat in the street so I can be like, oh my god, did everyone see this? And then the guy dressed as Spider-Man runs away. Maybe I get the guy dressed as Spider-Man runs away. Maybe I get a guy dressed as Spider-Man to shoot me in the leg.

Yes. I mean, people will be like, did he set that up? And then other people will be like, you'd have to be crazy to shoot yourself in the thigh. The only thing is, if you're doing all of that, presumably you're doing that for witnesses, right? Someone dressed as Spider-Man, you're going to be able to tell pretty quickly. What do you mean? He's not flipping away? Yeah, he's not flipping away.

He runs away. Spider-Man, we just set up a fight. Oh no, Spider-Man's running away, but look after me. I got shot by Spider-Man. So what you're doing though is you are making events. Yeah. So this happens, but you need to just have the photos, not the video. Well, I think the events are important too.

Because I was like, when J. Jonah is maybe a bit kind of like when he looks at a picture, he'll be a bit more like you know, be like, is this good? Is this bad? I don't know. I don't think I'll be like that. I think I'll be like, print it. Print every photo. But be like, I don't know if this is the actual Spider-Man

because if someone sends me a picture of like, hey, this is Spider-Man, look at his little dick and nuts on the ceiling fan, I'd be like, we're printing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blur out his dick and nuts and be like, oh, you could just get other pictures of Spider-Man and blur things out strategically and be like, look at him with his cock. Oh. No, I still think I'm going with setting up a fake Spider-Man attack.

You can do that. I'll do the fake doctored pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. No, see, I'll find out where Spider-Man isn't. Go there. Set up a fake incident. Spider-Man hits me with his car. That's a good one.

If Spider-Man hits me with his car, he can just drive off and nobody will be like, But then you have his car. You have a license plate. No, we take off the plates. It's plateless. So Joel Zabit's media empire. He's still getting close to just making up events and putting fake photos. Clever.

Yeah. Okay. Let's go to your. What are you and putting fake photos. Clever. Yeah. Okay, let's go to your... What are you? Spider-Man. Fake Spider-Man. I'm releasing a pamphlet. Okay. Are you a YouTuber?

It's called The Jackson Truth. That's the name of the pamphlet. A YouTube channel is pretty good. I also have, yeah, a YouTube channel. Okay. So here's immediately a problem. Yeah. So you're doing violent acts in public.

Yeah. You know who might interfere? That's why we find out where Spider-Man isn't. What do you mean where Spider-Man isn't? Well, we set up a separate crime. Because if you know where Spider-Man isn't, then surely other people know where Spider-Man is

so that you could be like, this happened. Who's the guy driving the car? If there's two Spider-Mans, I guess. I don't know. All I know is I got hit by a car. I'm sitting here. Fucking my legs got tire marks over them. And you're telling me that wasn't Spider-Man that hit me?

Well, we fucking sure looked like him. We saw Spider-Man flipping around like a... I've never seen Spider-Man drive a car. I saw him stop that other crime. He couldn't have got here in time. What? Then who was in the car? It looks like Spider-Man drive a car I saw him stop that other crime He couldn't have got here in time What? Then who was in the car? It looks like Spider-Man to me A guy dressed in a bad Spider-Man outfit

Well then we find out When Spider-Man's off world Or in another city He couldn't wait for a while But hang on Yeah but if he was Then in the long run So he'd be like

He's just off city Yeah Yeah there he is. Well, I don't know who that guy is. This guy who just ran me down in a cement mixer or whatever. That's fucking, it looks like Spider-Man to me. Once again, I don't, okay, Spider-Man, apart from attacking just one individual man,

Spider-Man has never driven a car into someone else. Are you hiring crisis actors or are you the one doing it the whole time? No, it's always me. I don't have the money to hire a crisis actor. Are you kidding me? So after three attacks, I'll be like, okay, this guy's either clearly a villain or this isn't happening. Yeah, it's not happening or... I'm a villain.

Yeah, I'm a villain. Noah's being... I'm a bad guy. I've robbed banks, but I haven't, so I'm not going to go to jail. But then I'm like, well, no, I know... Are you publishing that? No, I'm not going to go to jail. But then I'm like well no Are you publishing that? No, no, no. No, I'm just saying

if anyone asks on the street why Spider-Man's beating the shit out of me I say it's because I previously robbed a bank but I don't have the money anymore. So you

Which bank? I just name a random bank I know. The bank I go to. Would you be Would you then be, like, harassed by cops? Because they're like, chances are, in this New York, that bank was probably robbed at one point.

Where's the money, officers? No, well, here's the thing. But then also, no one cares. Spider-Man's beating you up if you rob the bank. Yeah, good, Ethan. Well, what if he's shooting me with a gun? People might care about that then, or running me down with his car. What'd he do?

I robbed the bank. And then people are like, when has Spider-Man ever used a gun? Where's his money? I don't know, but he's doing it now. This is just the car argument again. Do you not believe your own eyes? No, I do believe my own eyes. That guy's not Spider-Man.

What did you do with the money? I lost it. I forgot where I put it. What do you mean you lost it? I mean, I had it. You're under arrest. I got distracted. For what?

You're admitting to robbing a bank. You're under arrest. You could just be questioned. Which would put him under arrest? As a viewer or reader of this pamphlet, where's your money? And I now want to maybe find this money. No, well, here's the thing. Jackson's like, I robbed, Spider-Man hates me because I robbed the bank,

but I forgot where I put the money. That's still a crime, and you're admitting to robbing a bank. But then they checked the CCTV footage, and I didn't. Yeah, there's no crime. He's lying about a crime. Which is, I think. I can say, I don't know, I murdered you three days ago. I'm admitting to it now, but you're alive still.

So your plan, and then they check the CCTV footage, like the bank wasn't robbed this day. This bank has never been robbed before. Go back to you and be like, that bank wasn't robbed that day. Yeah, I'm like, well, better let me go. What's your plan? What do you mean? I go back out in the street, do it again.

Do what again? Get hit by a car. But if I'm not the police or anything like that, I'm just either a concerned viewer, and maybe I'll do my own research, and I'm like, yeah, that bank was never paid. Well, then you're not the market audience for my pamphlet. And maybe I question you.

So who is the market audience for you? The kind of person who won't do their research. So in the pamphlet you're writing, Spider-Man hates me because I robbed a bank. No. But I'm innocent because I don't know where I put the money. No. Fuck Spider-Man.

He hit me with his car. In my pamphlet, I say Spider-Man hit me with his car. And I have a photograph of it. And I say, what a piece of shit. And then if the cops ask me or anybody questions me further, I say, well, I'm a bad guy. I'm the bank clerk. I robbed banks. The bank clerk. I rob banks, and then the police capture me.

They say, we hear you're the bank clerk. Capture you makes it sound like there was any kind of effort. You ran. They capture me. They bring me in for questioning. Are you the bank clerk? Yes. What do you do?

I rob banks. Where's the money? I don't have the money. Check the CCTV footage. I didn't rob a bank. They? I don't have the money. Check the CCTV footage. I didn't rob a bank. They let me back out on the street. I keep releasing the pamphlet. Although you could be an easy fall guy.

Sure. Wait, for who? For the bank. It's not for the bank. For the cops. Because if I'm a cop in New York where a lot of crime is obviously happening because of super fuckers. Yeah.

And I've got this guy being like, I'm the bankler. I rob all the banks. I'm like, you know what we could really do? Arrest the bankler. We could arrest the bankler and actually put this on, like, you know, make sure the news people are there. And we can be like, he's had all those unsolved crimes that we don't know. Every time somebody robbed a bank, but we couldn't identify them.

That was probably the guy named the bank. Who keeps saying he robs banks? So we're going to arrest him and pin all these crimes on him. And case closed. You'll probably go to jail for 50 years. One day nobody's out there handing out the pamphlet anymore. You are defending yourself. I did it, Your Honour.

Winking. Or I didn't do it. Where's the footage? Come on. Show me the footage. Where's the footage? Come on. Show me the footage. Show me the footage of me in the bank. Having to throw that line between I didn't do it, but I did do it, so that he can still publish the...

He's saying, I didn't do it. Wink. Or I did do it. Wink. You said you're robbing a bank that you go to, so there'd be footage of you in the bank. I'm not robbing it. I'm just getting out hundred bucks or whatever.

So as you can see, Your Honor, he was scoping out the place before he could actually rob it. And now you can see he's gloating. He's probably going to the bathroom to rub water. Your Honor, I just was in there to get a hundred bucks out because I needed a hundred bucks. I haven't robbed nothing. Check my house. Check my pockets.

Uh-huh. So you have never robbed a, because I'm reading this pamphlet here. Oh, I've never robbed a bank. Wink. So your pamphlet, you don't need to have robbed a bank. No, I don't say in the pamphlet that I've robbed a bank. Which means you don't need to tell anyone you've robbed a bank. Apparently people are like, why is Spider-Man attacking you?

So when they ask that. Why wouldn't you just say, I'm an innocent apparently people are like, why is Spider-Man attacking you? So when they ask that, I say... Why wouldn't you just say, I'm an innocent man? Because that looks worse for Spider-Man. Because Spider-Man's beating up a bank robber. I'm like, yeah, okay, fair enough. Robbing a bank could very easily be a violent crime. Okay, then I pivot.

You've got to pivot a lot. Sometimes you've got to pivot. Actually, I'm an innocent man. But Spider-Man just hates me I guess okay do you do anything no

that's so crazy I'm just walking along the street Spider-Man comes by in his car and he's driving a car he is driving a car

what kind of car was it I can't recall I was too you have photos of him meeting you with a car I do so we can see the car

naked model yeah someone else took a can see the car. Make and model? Yeah, someone else took a photo of the car. Can we see it? I'm an investigative journalist. I'm going to try and find this. You should take that to the police. I'm going to try and find this. Because I reckon if we just make a model, we can find out who Spider-Man is.

Can I make a phone call? Yeah, okay. Over the years, our beautiful and talented artist, Nathan Davis, has created stellar artwork far greater than the utter bullshit it's been associated with. And for 10 years, we've been occasionally badgered with comments like, hey, this artwork is great. I'd love to have this as the background on my phone. Or, man, this looks really cool.

It sure would be neat to have that as my desktop, if only it was available somewhere. And, come on guys, you have the artwork. It's right there. It shouldn't be this hard. Well, do I have some good news for you. For at least a dollar, you can download the perfect desktop wallpaper for your computer or that little Google machine you've got there right from our website, sanspansradio.com slash shop and click the downloads icon. We've currently got several wallpaper packs available, but do check back often as I'm sure we'll add more, maybe in a further 10 years. So once again, that's sanspansradio.com slash shop and click that downloads icon.

Hey, Dave. Fucking dump the car. They're fucking awkward. Probably burn the suit too, okay? Don't burn it. Take it back to the costume shop gotta get the closet back Dave you put your name

you hired him from oh yes it with such fucking trouble throw the gun in the room thanks for shooting me Dave though I appreciate it you crumbled after like the smallest pressure

what type of gun was it excuse me a second Dave oh my fucking god They're asking me so many questions. Yeah, you crumbled after like the smallest pressure. What type of guy was it? Excuse me a second. Dave, oh my fucking God. Dave, I'm so fucking... Dave, you've got to leave the country. Get out of here quickly because they'll take you down too. Dave, we're fucked. We're so fucked.

We're so fucked. I don't know what they're going to do to us. They're going to break my legs. I think... Dave, leave. I feel like he's going to break my fucking legs. They're going to take my kids away. Dave, you've got to run. Dave, come pick me up.

Come pick me up in like an hour. You've got to get out of here. I've booked us a flight for two hours, Dave. It's a one-way ticket. We're the fake names. You're Chan Crisman. Dave, I paid a guy. I paid a guy for the new identities. I panicked. So you're chrisman. Dave, I paid a guy, I paid a guy for the new

identities. I panic, so you're chair and chrisman and my name is chair. I'm sorry, I'm chair, I'm chair and you're the chrisman, alright? You understand, Dave? I mean, choose.

Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. I'll see you at the airport. All right, so starting now, I'm going to use our little names. Okay, Mr. Krinsman, I'll see you at the airport in two hours. Yeah, yeah. I'll see you soon, chair. Okay, great.

Yeah, you can check out the car. Run the make and model. I'd run the make and model, yeah, if you would like to, sure. Anyway, it's been lovely meeting you. I have to go. To hospital. I have to go to hospital. Anyway, I've been chair.

I mean, Jack. I mean, Jackson. Did you just say your name was Chair? Blowing his cover. Straight away. Chair, did you say your name was that's an unusual name maybe I'm not Chad yet

I'm actually just Jackson so you're not Chad yet what do you mean you're not Chad yet do you need to make another call yeah I might yeah I might need to make another call alright Chad or Jackson you hate Chad or whatever your name was Do you need to make another call? Yeah, I might. Yeah, I might need to make another call. All right, Chair or Jackson.

Hey, Chair, I don't know what your name was. I've got to get new fake names up on my call. Okay, I'll figure something else out. I've got to call the airport as well. Don't go to the airport. They're going to be looking for a guy named Chair. Chair and... I don't know what your name was. airport. They're going to be looking for a guy named Jared. Or whatever his name was.

Yeah, okay. Fair enough. Yeah, no, I wouldn't do well. Yeah, I don't know how I'd really fare there. Yeah, okay.

The end goal is just Spider-Man fighting crime. That's all you've done. You've just published photos of Spider-Man fighting crime. That's all you've done. You've just published photos of Spider-Man fighting crime. The most you might get is someone being like, did you hear Spider-Man hit someone with their car?

And then someone being like, no, no, he didn't. Oh. Did you hear Spider-Man hit someone with his chair? What? The stories make us confused. Spider-Man hit someone with his chair or Spider-Man's real name is chair? I don't really know. Yeah, Spider-Man went is that one with his chair or Spider-Man's real name is chair? I don't really know. Yeah,

Spider-Man went back to wrestling and grabbed the chair from the audience and hit Sting. He hit Sting. I think Spider-Man hit Sting with the chair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost got like the Mr. Sockard by mankind. Yeah. But he avoided it by doing a flip. Oh,

where'd you read that? Some pamphlet. Yeah, yeah. Something I found. I subscribe to a terrible, terrible YouTube channel. Hasn't uploaded in months. I saw the link written on the toilet,

truck stop wall. For a good time, watch, and then the URL. Thought it would suck me off, but no. Just a YouTube video. Yeah.

Well, my way to discredit the Spider-Man, very straightforward. Okay. Just take photos, to discredit the Spider-Man very straightforward okay just take photos like normal photos of Spider-Man and then just slightly Photoshop it so it looks like

while he's fighting crime he's pissed his pants that's very good because Spider-Man will want to argue that no he hasn't pissed his pants while he's doing crime

fighting crime but you also don't want to come out and be like, I didn't piss my pants because then it sounds like you pissed your pants. That's the trick of pissing your pants or even looking like it. No matter what you say. Because Spider-Man is quick and in motion all the time and he's wearing blue pants,

you see enough photos of Spider-Man always pissing his pants while he's fighting crime, you start looking at Spider-Man being like, does he piss his pants? I think he has pissed his pants. You're in a burning building and start looking at Spider-Man and being like, oh, I think he has pissed his pants. You're in a burning building and Spider-Man comes to save you. Like, oh, hang on. I just learned that you pissed your pants recently.

I can smell smoke and maybe a bit of piss. Mr. Piss Man, I'm going to take the stairs. Don't touch me. I'll be okay, piss pants. And especially if you print the article not as an attack, but you're just like, hey, the douche at Times or whatever, we've noticed

Spider-Man pissed his pants. Not even that. You could just be like, photo of Spider-Man doing whatever. You could be like, oh, Spider-Man saves people from a burning building, but you look at the picture, he's pissed his pants. But then later on, maybe two or three weeks after just running photos where it looks like Spider-Man's pissed his pants in pretty much

all of the photos. Occasionally I publish just like normal ones. A regular photo, yeah, yeah. But it's come to our attention that Spider-Man, due to the adrenaline of fighting crime, seems to urinate within his costume. So just run it like a fact piece. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, oh, like the problem, you know, like, oh, incontinence is a thing that does affect, like, one in eight Americans and, like, you know, have some stats on them, but there's nothing to be ashamed about. Yeah. And then, I mean, like, Spider-Man. Yeah. Well, I mean, worst case scenario for me is he just becomes the face of pissing your pants.

Yeah. But that's good for me anyway. What we could then do is we could Photoshop it in a way where it looks like he's wearing diapers under his, like, um... Oh, that's good. I like... Can we explore how Spider-man becoming the face of pissing your pants it's good for me you benefit well i mean it means that like he's like spider-man sitting there with an adult diaper ad deal or whatever and you're like this is what i want yeah i mean

we live in a city where spider-man becomes the okay if i roll in and I'm like, hey guys, I got a new job. I'm getting paid for it, but I am the spokesperson for pissing your pants. Is he the spokesperson for pissing his pants? Is Spider-Man going on TV and being like, hey, I piss my pants, and then

nothing else? I piss my pants. It's a thing I do. For Spider-Man to do that, he'd have to give his identity up because he had to get paid. So, yeah. Well, yes, yeah. He becomes the face of pissing his pants. It'd be a meme, I guess. But then if you, yeah, well, that's.

Also good for you. Got him too. I'm discrediting him. Yeah. That's true. Or am I like, what a brave hero that even though he puts himself in this humiliating situation, i.e. pissy pants, he still goes into those burning buildings and this humiliating situation, i.e. pissy pants, he still goes into those burning buildings and he still saves all those lives.

I'm also discrediting other newspapers by doing that because I will then infer that we're hiding the piss pants. That's what's going to happen. Not one of my beautiful tabloids would lean hard into it being like, yeah, the piss

pervert Spider-Man. We've always said this. Don't check the most recent issue. Only read this one. Yeah, check out most recent midnight edition. Yeah, read the one you're reading now and that's it. Spider-Man's pissing his pants and he's whatever they say he is. Spider-Man is currently pissing his pants in your bedroom whilst looking at your old photo album of you and embarrassing photos that your parents took.

And then you just cut to the street corner I would normally be on and it's just empty. Because I'm either in jail or abroad. Have you checked your bedroom or bed currently for Spider-Man pisses? Are you sure that the piss you're currently pissing is not Spider-Man's piss? You never know. When outside today, feel a drop of rain, look up. You sure that's not Spider-Man's piss leaking out of his pants?

Then you can start, for the perverts, selling Spider-Man piss on the side. Yeah. And maybe Spider-Man does the same thing. He is broke. Fewer Spider-Man pisses. Yeah. Get a little jar for yourself. As he lands, he's like, hey, I'm going to save you.

Also, 10 bucks a pop. You want some of my piss? Maybe he starts pissing his pants just to. Yeah. Maybe it's easier for Spider-Man to piss his pants than deny it. Yeah. And then you're just telling the truth. Yeah.

But then I'm the guy that goes down in history. Well, I wouldn't know. No one else would know this, but I would always know this. That I would be the guy. The main Spider-Man pisses pants. Like, you know that Spider-Man you adore? Yeah. You know how he's famous for pissing his pants?

Yeah. I did that. Grandpappy did that. I made him piss his pants. I made Spider-Man the face of pissing your pants. He's not the face of adult type. No, no, no. He's not the face of incontinence.

No. He's the face of pissing your own pants. He's the face of, what if it becomes cool? What if everybody starts pissing their pants to be like the hero Spider-Man? The city of New York becomes the bus in Billy Madison. Here's the thing. Imagine

me in that situation as I watch as the city I am part of rapidly adopts a joke that I published to make fun of this one guy. As you walk through a pissy New York, you're like, the impact I have had. Yeah. Is this good for me?

I'm scared to sit in any. The city stinks like piss now, but yeah. I've debased the entirety of New York City. I've taken this down. I mean, I become a villain from that point onwards because I've done it. I'm like, I run this town. They don't know it yet, but. I made this town wet themselves.

Not out of fear, but out of pride. I have tricked the entirety of New York City into thinking that they can just piss their pants. People come to New York to piss their pants. Here, this is the piss city. I'm here to piss. The people of New York City piss their pants because of blank. Yeah. But now I will give them something,

like a reason for them to really piss themselves would be your speech. But you've got to find that blank. Well, and I also don't know what Dusha wants because he's got his goal. Yeah. Retire early. My newspapers probably make a lot of money if I've inspired an entire city to piss

their pants. Is your newspaper now a piss pants newspaper? Oh no. You've become the face of pissing your pants. You've become the piss pervert weekly. I've become the face of Spider-Man becoming the face of pissing your pants. You've become the piss pervert weekly. I've become the face of Spider-Man becoming the face of pissing your pants.

Making me, in fact, the face of pissing your pants. Spider-Man, as he pisses his pants, laughs at you. Because he had the true victory. But then, I'm not pissing my pants. But then you're the freak. In the world of piss pants, the man who doesn't piss his pants is the freak. But it's not the world, it's just the city. In the world of piss pants, the man who doesn't piss his pants is the freak. But it's not the world, it's just the city. In the city of piss pants.

Here's what happens. I move slightly out of New York. I move to fucking New Jersey. I just keep publishing the newspaper for New York. And then from New Jersey... Are you telling me that the trends from New York wouldn't keep going to New Jersey?

And then spread. New York's the culture capital of the world. Oh, no. You're telling me that the- I go to Milan next. I'm taking over the world. Pissing their pants is in. The entire world pisses its pants, dude.

I'm destroyed earth. As a retroactive, or retrospective, sorry. Yeah. Looking into this, maybe like 10 years from now, when humanity started pissing their pants again, it'd be like, where did this start? And tracing it back to this one, surely... Spider-Man would get the credit for it, but really it was me

photoshopping those photos. But by then you'd be like, hang on a second, this picture here, and this picture here. You would understand if you're doing a deep valve, this was photoshopped. This was photoshopped. This one man did this. You'd be like, the world is a lie.

The world is a lie and I think it was created because of this piss pervert, the editor-in-chief of this magazine, Joel Douche. Yeah, he just kept on requesting photoshopped pictures of Spider-Man pissing his pants. That was his kink, right? Yeah, I guess he was getting off on it.

I come out and I say, I'm not getting off on it, just thought it was very funny. That's what everyone who would be getting off on it would say. No, they wouldn't. They would deny it entirely. This is exactly what

you would argue about pissing your pants because if you came out and said, I don't piss my pants, they'd be like, you pissed your pants. Yeah, that's true.

How many times have I said I don't get off on being tiny? Yeah. And you'll never believe it. The amount of times you say, I don't get off on pissing my pants. But in a world where everyone pisses their pants, if people think I get off on people pissing their pants,

they probably just think I'm the happiest man on earth. Well, they do. And it probably isn't embarrassing anymore because everybody's pissing their pants. In a world where everybody pisses your pants, if you're the man who's aroused by that, you got the biggest boner. That's the famous philosophical saying of the time. So yeah, you go down as the

greatest piss pervert. The most chubbed up man in history. The man who changed the entire world. I guess nobody's really thinking about Spider-Man anymore, are they? I've made him irrelevant. Yeah, everyone's being like, New York's smell bad. I wish the world didn't smell like piss anymore

That would be awesome Well like There's nothing new to stop it And then as you piss your pants Yeah That's funny Because Spider-Man probably Like he just started pissing his pants

You know To fit in or whatever Because yeah He found out he was the face Of pissing your pants Yeah but like this would What He would blame himself I think

For what had happened to the world Yeah And he'd try and stop it Well which means that I Defeated Spider-Man Because He Caused a great evil I guess for what had happened to the world. Which means that I defeated Spider-Man because he caused a great evil.

I guess. I beat Spider-Man with a simple, quick five minute Photoshop. And then I made irreversible damage to the entire world which Spider-Man would reflect on and blame himself for. Yeah, I suppose. I suppose you won.

It's a kind of you won but but at what cost situation, you know? Yeah, I think if we combined a lot of our ideas into like sort of that one idea, except we just kind of disregard Jackson's idea, I think we're on to a winner. Now if we're combining all the ideas but disregarding Jackson's idea, it's just publish mine six times. Yeah. You just have to change why he's pissing his pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's pissing his pants because he's rich. He's pissing his pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's pissing his pants because he's rich. He's pissing his pants because he's a pervert. He's poor, a pervert. He doesn't respect you. Yeah. Hates Wall Street. You can incorporate my idea. We just have Dave piss his pants.

Yeah, we have all these pictures of Spider-Man actually pissing his pants. I just filmed Dave and it's like a video of me and it's like, you hear the tail end of me saying, all right, go. Go. And then Dave pisses his pants. I just filmed Dave and it's like a video of me and it's like, you hear the tail end of me saying, alright, go. Go. And then Dave pisses his pants and I'm like, whoa, Spider-Man's pissing his pants. This is really full on to actually see in person. This is crazy and true.

Dave, wave at the camera. Dave, turn toward me. Piss harder. It's just a little dribble, Dave. Dave, don't look at me. Look past me. I'm not even here, okay? Act like I'm not even here. But you, Dave. Don't look at me. Look past me. Look past me. I'm not even here, okay? Act like I'm not even here. But you are here. Don't talk!

You sound nothing like Spider-Man. Cut! Why did he upload this? I don't know how to edit. That's all that it says underneath. It's the caption. So yeah, I think we've got a pretty decent smear campaign going. We've got Dave wetting himself for YouTube.

You've got you just suddenly being like, just posting pictures of Spider-Man, being like maybe, you're not even suggesting it. My rag picks that up and runs with it. Yeah, exactly. Then your rag is like, it's completely fine. There's nothing wrong with pissing your pants. You're posting facts, you're posting this. Our rag becomes somewhat villainized because we're calling him a piss pervert.

But that's part of the plan. But that's part of the plan. And then we enter piss world. And then we enter piss world. And then, yeah, the world becomes piss. Because when everyone's pissing their pants, no one is. Yeah. And then the man who doesn't piss his pants is truly the man who does piss.

Huh. In a world where everyone pisses their pants, the man who doesn't piss his pants has pissed his pants. Yeah. I guess that's true. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Spider-Man has been a pants pisser. The face of pissing your pants. The face of pissing your pants. Finally, we defeated Spider-Man. I think we took him down. Take notes, lizard.

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