Plumbing the Death Star - If Australia Had a Wizarding School How Would it Function? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: November 13, 2016

In which our heroes grab a wand, throw on a cloak and head into their own backyard as they ask if Australia were to have a Wizarding School, how would it function? Join the two Plumbing boys who aren't Duscher and special guest Adam as they explore how being a wizard but also hot would work, give themselves horrific but also appropriate magic names and ignore winter. Jackson has the hiccups, Adam never watches football and Zammit is just sick of having his lack of knowledge exposed. It's a magical, but uniquely Australian time where those without magic are definitely, 100% officially called muggos. Just ask JK.Want to help us build the Wattlebush Academy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can pick up some portables on the cheap.And don’t forget to be a magic boy or girl by heading to http://www.lootcrate.com/letmedie, use the code letmedie to save some serious $$$ on your next lootcrate subscription!Also, if you’ve got time check out our video only YouTube channel; Sanspants CinemaScope and if you’re in Melbourne and want to see the Movie Maintenance Crew Live in December you can!; https://www.trybooking.com/NUSX. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's over. It's all gone. There's no more magic. No more magic left in the world. Bye-bye. I guess to Mamamoo one. So help prevent that by heading to www.lootcrate.com slash letmedie and enter the code letmedie to save some of your precious dollars off any new subscription today. Don't wait, and maybe together we can defeat that evil time wizard. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where

we ask the important questions like, if Australia were to have a wizarding school, how would it function? Before we get into this, I just want to say that today's episode is proudly sponsored by Loot Crate. Just head to lootcrate.com slash letmedie. Enter the code letmedie and you save a couple of them dollars on your subscription. I mean, do I have to explore what a loot crate is at this point? I think everyone knows. It's kind of like a Google.

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Right, so First thought It's very hot in Australia Not incorrect Half of the year it is very hot So I'm thinking robes But they only go to the waist. Well, that's what I was thinking.

Don't a lot of people in very hot countries, the Middle East, for example, often wear robes? That is true. But that's because it's all like wind and shit. Are robes cool? Well, if Australian Hogwarts, whatever we're calling it, has robes, they are thin robes. Are you suggesting, though, that Australia doesn't have wind? No, but, like, isn't it because of the Middle Eastern kind of things? It's very much to do with, like, because it's the wind and the sand

and all that kind of stuff kind of. Circulation, do you mean, perhaps? Circulation? Adam, you're showcasing my ignorance. I don't like it. To be honest, I think that Australian Hogwarts, whatever we call it, probably shouldn't have a uniform. No.

Or, that's just your education. How about just a cape? Yeah, that's alright. Just a cape. Just a cape. I think it should very closely resemble European because that's where we're from. Yeah, I suppose.

But then like other European primary schools, you're a classic boarding school kid. In Australia, he's always got shorts. So I'm pro shorts. I'm not pro shorts in life. No, definitely not. But for whatever our Hogwarts is. For our wizarding school, definitely pro shorts. I was thinking like some kind of almost like an indigenous kind of move towards.

Because I figured that's where a lot of like the magic. Yeah, I think that's fair. Be right. Were wizards also racist when they came over? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's my question. So no, you were telling me in the.

Something to do with the Native American people in the American wizards. Like Native Americans don't get magic. It's just kind of like, oh, hey, fuck you again. Something real weird that J.K. Rowling did, but I don't know enough about it. I just know that everyone was like, what? Why? Why did you go into that? So, I don't know.

That's a uniform, uniform, uniform. Uniform. I think shorts. Shorts. Yeah. Sandals. Or thongs. Is that mandatory, though? I reckon flip-flops are. Because I don't like wearing thongs or shorts. Shorts. Yeah. Sandals. Is that mandatory, though? I reckon flip-flops are.

Because I don't like wearing thongs or shorts. When did you wear flip-flops in school? Yeah, that's an OH&S. No way. But hang on a second. We're a wizarding school. We're pro OH&S issues. OH&S isn't even a thing for wizards.

I don't know if that's the same. So I'm saying I would like thongs as our official school shoe. I would have liked horses in my school, but that didn't happen. Hey, you can do this. We're wizards, mate. You want horses? We got horses. We got horses for days.

Are we starting the houses? Are we founding this school? All right, all right, all right. So look. Because I'm pro that. There is no wizarding school in Australia. So the Ministry of Magic is like, all right, all right. So look. Because I'm pro that. There is no wizarding school in Australia. So the Minister of Magic is like, all right, lads. We're opening one in Australia.

We couldn't find the best we can. And it's good that we found you three blokes. What's your wizard name then? Because wizards don't have normal names. It'd have to be just something like Jackalazar Baylazarly. That'll do me. Sylph. Krenzlo.

Krenzlo. A grade. You just gotta mess up words. Geol. Oh, geol. Geol. Geol bar. Let's go down to the geol bar.

Timidas. Geol Timidas. So J down to the geol bar. Timidas. Geol Timidas. So, Jekalazar Balazali. We should write these down. Jekalazar Balazali. Jekalazar. What's Jekalazar? Silf.

Kreslo. Kreslo is so good. Yeah. And geol. All right. Good. My house is going to be called Kreslo. Geol. Sick. And Gio. All right. Good. My house is going to be called Kreslov.

And Gio. Sick. That's good. Right. So if we're starting the school, that means that we get to decide shorts and thongs. But this is the first wizard battle we have, because I don't want thongs. Okay.

Vodka. Whoa. I was on your side. Good. Now it's a 50-50 chance. I was on your side. Good. Now it's a 50-50 chance. All right, all right, all right. How about this then? Okay, so thongs are optional.

Yeah, I'm pro no uniform. I think we should have some kind of like some semblance of a uniform. Kind of like how like- This is weird. We're all in between each other because I'm anti-thong but pro uniform. How about we let the students decide? No, students are childrens and idiots.

Children and idiots. So, singlets? Yeah. Singlets are our uniform. And that way we can have different colours for the uniform and the singlet? Yeah. So, uniform from the top up, bottom down, whatever you want, guys. What weird school

Have you created And on fancy times Capes Siglet, shorts and a cape And thongs or boots If I must participate in this I demand that it's footy shorts And it's the footy short colours of your school

Correct and correct Oh yeah like the classic footy vest Where it's kind of like a bit woolen yeah and you have like the animal emblazoned on your uh singlet yeah done not done so it's footy like yeah footy footy beautiful uh you know there is a winter in australia like it does get a little and you know what yeah you know you know when we play football adam Adam? In the winter. Yeah. Hashtag gotcha good. What? Football's a winter sport. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. So we're wearing those awful, very threadbare clothes at the coldest point in the sky. You use the winter with long sleeves and shit. You can get a jumper. When's the last time you fucking watched footy? Never. Literally ever.

They got jumpers that go down to the arm. That's fine. So anyway, so I like that in this... Well, first off, where is this place? Yeah, I like that we're like having this... I'm imagining under Uluru. Underneath? Underneath Uluru. Difficult. Because, see, what's good about Britain

is that no matter where you are, everywhere's like three days away. In Australia... In Australia... I get the hiccups. In Australia, if I want to go to school and I live in Victoria, that's such a long time. It's a good train ride. It's a good train ride, or the whizzes and you just teleport. Also, I think it's very Aussie to have an underground school.

Yeah, that's true. Well, Uluru is maybe a bit on the nose. A little bit. Here we are. I was thinking at least like northeast in Queensland. Yeah, all right. Well, like northeast in Queensland, then what if you're in Perth Talking about the travel issues

Yeah but like what if it's in Perth anywhere else the travel issues Uluru is kind of the centre of Australia Yeah but they're wizards Yeah but you're not allowed to teleport when you're young It's a crime That's fine you have a three day train ride I guess three days is hectic.

Yeah, but we're Australians. Also, I'm pretty sure they would be like, no, it's fine. You can teleport. It's all right. Yeah, true. Like, look, to get here, it's fine. Your country, it's big.

Yeah. I don't like how hard and fast you two play it with the rules. I think I'm the one who leaves. Then I hide like a giant platypus underneath the school. So I reckon, all right, I think underneath Uluru is a bit on the nose for me. Where are the most people? There's nobody at WA. That place is basically abandoned.

I say we chuck it somewhere on the coast. I was about to say, if you're planning on an underground school in WA, we have to deal with minors. So none of that. I say we chuck it on the coast. I was about to say, if you're planning on an underground school in WA, we have to deal with minors. So none of that. I say we chuck it on the coast. Where are the 12 Apostles? Victoria. Somewhere there. That'd be nice. Oh yeah. Nah, done. That's very popular. 12 Apostles. What if fucking...

Wizards, dickhead! Magical bullshit! You're making it harder for yourself. You've got to do the extra, man. Wizards! Why not makeards make it oh that's why hogwarts is in london downtown their fucking train station is that's entirely different i reckon it stumbles into train station it's not a bigger deal as in the hogwarts all right all right shut the fuck up the two of you what about this i like my hiccups make me sound drunk sound drunk so Sound drunk.

So, Hogwarts, whatever, it's in the Northern Territory. It doesn't matter. And instead of looking like a castle. I like Turbopostles. Turbopostles, Adam's right. Muggles are going to be there all the time. Muggos are going to be there all the time. So, it's in the Northern Territory somewhere in the desert.

And it looks like a big cattle station. Yeah, right. Instead of a big castle, like a massive cattle station, the Muggles looks abandoned. You do sound like the Muggles look abandoned. It is good. Muggles abandoned. How about a silver cattle station? We have, like, a big mountain range.

What if it's full of griffins A cattle station with griffins sounds sick Everybody rides a griffin to work And you can just catch a train And it's a fast magic train And you're all right It's a massive cattle station I'm going to hold my breath Adam and Simon can talk

And I'm going to get rid of these dang haircuts. Good luck. I like the idea of it in the Apostles. It's like the Twelve Apostles. It's kind of neat. And again, you could magic stuff, so you're going to have to pull this up anyway. You're making it harder on yourself. But you're going to have to have that anyway. No matter where you do. You need more of it

that's better maintained there. Well, you're in wizarding school. You'd want that maintained. Well, yeah, but it's just the extra danger. What if? What if? What if anywhere you go, there's always going to be that inherent danger? There's so much empty Australia.

Why do you want to plonk it on one of the handful of places that aren't empty? I thought we decided on the big cattle station. No, it apparently hasn't. God damn, there's still a hiccup there. I thought I'd stop. I was just saying, I like the idea of the Twelve Apostles, because then you can use it as security or whatever. I was imagining underneath, under the ocean or some shit.

I think Belazuli and Kreslo. All right, fine. We're going to a cattle station in the Northern Territory. It's hot. Fine. It's very hot. So now it's hot. You can have your primary, Scott.

It's all of a possible. It's hot and sometimes just like flooding is a real problem. Flooding's not a problem with a wizard. Yeah, let's build walls. Okay, we need a name. All right. Because I don't know how they named Hogwarts. I cannot imagine.

So we've got to figure something for Australia. I wonder if they ever do say. Who knows? Are you going to do a little fact check? How did they name Hogwarts? We could just combine our last names. That's nice and easy. Kraslazli.

It's the name of a flower. Acacia. Is it the name of a magic flower or a real flower? The name of a flower. I have no idea where she's from. Bl blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I guess how J.K. Rowling came up with it was just a flower. I say Wattle or Bottle Brush. Wattle Brush.

Wattle Brush. Wattle Brush School for Wizards and Witches. Wattle Brush School. Perfect. The Wattle Brush Academy. Wattle Brush Academy. Wattle Brush Academy. Wattle Brush Academy sounds pretty good. I like that. I like that. All right. So Wattlebrush Academy? Wattlebrush Academy. Wattlebrush Academy. Wattlebrush Academy sounds pretty good.

I like that. I like that. All right. So, Wattlebrush. Yep. It looks like a big cattle station, but it's actually a school. I think we can do something more iconic than a cattle station. What's more iconic than a cattle station?

That's what I'm saying. I think we need to discuss this. What is more iconic than a cattle station? Something, a big something. Yeah. The big banana. Yeah. Yeah. The big banana. Yeah.

Yes. Well, we don't have any typical, like, dwellings. There's no, like, classic. We don't got no castles. That's not a thing for us. So I was, I don't know, for me. And again, if you put a castle somewhere, they're just going to be like, whoa. It's on the nose again.

That's going to be just like, people are going to flock, and then you'd have to build up that magical thing anyway. Underground. It's not the nose again That's gonna be just like People are gonna flock And then you'd have to build up That's why Magical thing anyway Underground It's not that nice Not that nice What are we mole people Adam? Fuck I don't know Underground

No we don't need that What if we Opals fuck off I'm imagining like a big tin building Oh Opals are gonna be one of the house things Oh remember how each house has a different Opals

Australia imports a lot of diamonds But they already use diamonds Damn it What are this? Opals are going to be one of the house things. Oh, remember how each house has a different... Opals? Australia imports a lot of diamonds, but they already use diamonds. Damn it. What are this? What are the house gems? You know how each house has the big hourglass that has the gems in it? And when you get house points, it counts out through that? True. Opals are so one.

Yeah, opals are definitely one. Honey ants is the next one. We only need two other ones. Honey ants. Honey ants. Honey ants. Meat pies. Opals, honey ants, Meat pies. Opal's honey

ants meat pies. Garnets aren't they various? Garnets, yeah, yeah. And honey ants. Honey ants are not a gem. But they look like a gem. You're a gem. We should get you to do it. There's only one of me, Adam. It wouldn't work.

Okay, so Waterbrush Academy looks like like it like i'm not i mean like a cattle station i mean like this massive tin building with you know it's not an actual cattle station can i make an um amendment to our uh our uniform uh uh cork hats oh yes like you know the hats of the corks keep away fairies yep fairies come buzzing at you you shake your head they're like, fuck! Yep. It's good.

Yeah, yeah. All right, good. Excellent. So we've only got three houses in this school, as Adam just pointed out, which is unique. Every other school has... Do we know the... Well, I mean, the American one and the British one have four houses. Oh, do they? I say we'll have our own house, then we can make a mishmash house.

Yeah, the Hufflepuff of houses. It's like a whatever house. Yeah. So we literally have a garbage house. Yeah, we Yeah, the Hufflepuff of houses. It's like a whatever house. So we literally have a garbage house. Yeah, we'll have a garbage house and then our houses, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to choose Slytherin, because that's my house. So I guess we've got to separate your clever house. We have our different houses and then just defaults.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because your house is typically heroes, villains, dumb fucks, smart fucks, cleverers. Alright, well..., dumb fucks, smart fucks. Clevers. All right, well. Dumb fucks is going to be the default. But that makes me the clever hero.

So you're taking the Hufflepuff. Yes. Welcome to Blasily House. Yep. I guess I'm taking the evil. Are you hero class or are you clever? I'll take clever. All right, so hero class we'll work on.

We'll just chuck our heroes in the garbage. Whatever. It's fine. Alright. What animal are you choosing? Me? Because you've got to have an animal. Platypus! You're choosing the platypus? Platypus! They're the intelligent house. So house what was your last name again? Kreslo. Kreslo. House Kreslo.

Kreslo platypuses. I got that house. I'm putting a giant platypus underneath whatever we make. All right. All right. So that when I leave, over differences in uniform design. What color? Yeah, what are your colors?

Brown and blue. Oh, that's all right. Colors of the platypus. Where the platypus Is there like a motto? What goes into having a house? You've got to choose your ideals Yeah, what are your ideals? Because we've chosen your basics Whatever, but you've got to have ideals

Adaptability You're just choosing the ideals of the platypus Well Duh What's of the platypus Well Duh What's a good platypus Adaptability, innovation and Unbelievably Yeah, unbelievability

Good What's that thing You'll keep soldiering on no matter the odds That's not real And secretly keep The males secretly keep a, the males secretly keep a poison knife on them at all times. They have a poisonous thumb that they slide over their thumb. Oh no, that's, you know how like they have like,

every founding father had like a thing? You just can be like a poisonous dagger that like starts with like your boot heel. That's your horse. When Voldemort. When Voldemort comes to Australia. When like, Australian equivalent of Voldy comes in and he's just like. Voldy your boot heel. That's your hawk. When Voldemort. When Voldemort comes to Australia. When like Australian equivalent of Voldy comes in. Voldy.

Voldy. Yeah. We'll come up with Voldy in time. We'll come up with Voldy in time. But yeah, I reckon you've got like, you know those army people like the giant knife? Yeah, a bootstrap knife. A bootstrap knife.

That's, yeah, that's the fucking house fucking Kreslo. Oh, that's good. I love house Kreslo. I hate my last name that I chose. I'm so house fucking Kreslo. Oh, that's good. I love house Kreslo. I hate my last name that I chose. I'm so jealous of Kreslo. I know, it's fucking good. I'm infuriated. Belazoli.

Stop blowing smoke up my ass. Fucking garbage. I want to change mine to Munchkrob. All right, you can be Munchkrob. Good. I don't know if Zabit is taking notes specifically on this, but I hope he is. I'm just putting things down.

Creating an outline. It's good. Just some remembrance things. We get a lot of deets in this. I'm going to go. So House Timazar, I think is what I said. That's a good last name. I'm going to choose the, it's an indigenous creature.

It's the Yarama Yahoo. Okay. I'm sorry if I fucked up the pronunciation. I'm sorry. However, it's a little redahu. Okay. I'm sorry if I fucked up the pronunciation. I'm sorry. However, it's a little red man. Good. It's four feet tall with a very large head and mouth, has no teeth. Gross.

Swallows his food whole. Tips of his fingers and toes are shaped like the suckers of an octopus, and he drinks blood out of that. Jesus. That's messed up on, like, several levels. Yeah. Yeah, but it looks kind of good. Yeah, you are the evil house.

Can you show us a picture? Have you got a picture? I can't fucking ever, mate. I'm excited and also really scared. Have a look at this. Imagine, like, a red whale. Oh! Oh!

It's four foot height. It has no back. It's like a whale's head with arms and legs That's rad Nasty ass Good colours though, like red and a bit of green That is good And they're just like a little

They're fucking rad I'm a big fan of them They're just like an Australian vampire What's your house ideals? Blood sucking House ideals is no weakness So cut out the weak Australian vampire. What's your house ideals? How do we know your colours? Blood sucking. So house ideals is no weakness. So cut out the weak.

Scary. Only be strong. Only be strong. Let's see. What else is a good blood sucker? Because what it does is it hides in fig trees. Okay. And for unsuspecting victims,

you just launch onto it, suck out his blood, leave him weak. It would fuck off for a bit, come back, we just launch onto it, suck out his blood, leave him weak, it would fuck off for a bit, come back, and be like, oh, I'm so weak. Swallow you whole, spit you out. And so children were told if they were ever to meet one of these buggers, just offer no resistance because their chance of survival would be better

if the creature just swallows them, takes what they want, and spits them out. And the best thing is, you can become one of these fuckers if you get et by them multiple times. Each time you get et by one, you lose a bit of height, until eventually you're its height. Okay. And then you just grow hair all over your body and become one. So, lack of weakness. Shortness?

Lack of weakness. Little man syndrome. What you need is a word that's very good for describing Being a leech Yeah Taking from others Yeah, taking from others Cut out the weak, greedy

Yeah, greed Greed's a good value None of these are positive, just reminding you These are not positive Even Slytherin makes the effort to be... Even Slytherin throws in cunning so that you don't feel like they're just all cuffs. We'll have, like, ambitious, but, like, in brackets, greed. But ambitious.

Yeah, yeah, good. Ruthless. That's good. So, wait, no. Driven, in brackets, ruthless. I like that your motto presumably has brackets and quotation marks. We're doing a bit of PR work. We're doing a bit of PR work.

So we're ambitious, driven. Was it three, was it? Yeah. I made three. I figure three is a good number. What was the first one I said? Cut out the weakness. Cut out the weakness.

Strong. Strong, driven, ambitious. You sound like a good house, even though your house animal is a devil man. Cut out the weakness. Cut out the weakness. Strong. Strong, driven, ambitious. That's good. You sound like a good house, even though your house animal is a devil man. So, yep, strong. There's another. No, that's Mally. She's having nightmares.

Mally, wake up. Her bark is like echoing. Mally, there's no such thing as goblins. You're okay. Are you going to go wake her up? No, no, no. It's fine. Let her sleep. I fixed her. She's good. That was adorable.

That's good. That's a good house. Strong, driven, and ambitious. But secretly blood-sucking devil people. Nightmares. You know that caterpillar that's real furry looking? Oh, yeah. I don't know what his name is, but that guy. Which one? You know the caterpillar that's real furry looking? Oh, yeah. I don't know what his name is, but that guy.

Which one? You know the caterpillar that's real fluffy? I know the one, yeah. Spitfires! They're very poisonous as well, aren't they? No, witchetty grobs! Good choice! Witchetty grubs are great. The munch grub, witchetty grub. Yeah, I'm house munch grub, and the witchetty grub

is our grub. That's our song. House grub grub. I'm from grub is our grub that's our song House Grub Grub I'm from House Grub Grub that's our grub yeah you'd be yeah you'd be House Grub Grub alright

my surname has changed from Belazalink it's Munch Grub but we would end up just being okay it's Grub Grub House Grub Grub and our

our our our colours I guess are black and white because that's the colours of the oh wait no witchetty, are black and white. Because that's the colours of the... Oh, wait, no, witchetty grub. Yellow and white. Gross.

Yellow and white doesn't look so bad. Yeah, but it's a weird pale yellow of the witchetty grub's head. I can't think of that. And then, like, pure white of the body. So I guess our ideals would be... What does a witchetty grub even do? Curling into a ball when threatened. Okay, so self-preservation.

You've got to have some spin on this. Self-preservation's pretty good. I would always find them underneath bricks. What's a good spin for good at hiding? Cautiousious Caution Yeah, cautious is good Self-preservation, caution

I figured cautious was a bit self-preservation Okay, caution is your one What about being delicious? Can I just choose being delicious? I mean tasty is nice Tasty is good Tasty, juicy. All of these are good ones.

Scrumptious. Oh, fuck. Juicy. Juicy. All right. So people in House Grub Grub are cautious, juicy. Fucking swole, mate. And what's another one for like, because Wichita Grub is a lava.

It becomes like a big moth. Evolution. Oh, yeah. Change. Change. Change or transformation. Those are the three ideals of House Grub Grub. Trans. Ah, yeah. Change. Change. Yeah, change. Change or transformation. Those are the three ideals of House Grob Grob. Transformation.

Transformation. That's good. That is good. You're cautious, but delicious. And eventually you'll be something just very special. Do we get House Grob Grob? With the witchery grob. House Kraslow? With the platypus. And House Timazar with the uh, uh, yaramaha.

That's good. Okay. Why HA? How do you pronounce that? Gotta be kangaroo for our garbage house. Yeah. For the default garbage house, gotta be kangaroo. I was going to say bunyip or a yaoi.

I don't think it's meant to be a mythical creature. It is in America. Oh, it is? It can be literally whatever you want, yeah. I feel, though, I'm saying because it's the default batshit dumb house. Yep. It's the hero house. It's the hero house.

Hero kangaroo is the hero of Australia. When you think of, yeah, an Australian animal, you think of kangaroo. Oh, no, mate. It'd be the coat of arms. It'd have the emu and the fucking kangaroo. Whoa. Oh, you. I'm, like, looking at the chair.

I was about to... The empty chair. I was about to be like, you fucking... All right, Clint. You wanker. Let's yell at the empty chair. Oh, Clint is... I get the reference.

There you go. There we go. So I think kangaroo and we call it Roo House. What kind of arms? Roo House. It'd be the coat of arms. It'd be the coat of arms. Then what are you calling it? Roo-emu house it Roo House. Coat of Arms. Roo House. It'd be the Coat of Arms. It'd be the Coat of Arms. Then what are you calling it?

Roo-ee-mew House? Reem-ew House? It'd be our... Reem-ew House. Reem-ew House. Clint. House Clint. It'd be our fourth.

Douche's not here. What's his... What's the stupid... What's the name for douche? DeShemmer. DeShemmer? House DeShemmer. Whatever.emmer? House Dishemmer. Whatever.

House Dishemmer, it's fine. What's something stupid Dusha would like? Jail Dishemmer. Jail Dishemmer. House Dishemmer. Dusha likes Subway and Diet Coke. His coat of arms is a Subway and a Diet Coke. Yeah, I'm going to quickly message Dusha.

Give him a call. Yeah, give him a call. Put that shit on air. Put that shit on air. Put that shit on blast. My hiccups have still yet to go, and it is very frustrating. Melody's came and went. She had hiccups. Did I get hiccups from Melody?

I assume. Son of a bitch. JD has been texted. Let's see if he responds. For right now, we'll go with the kangaroo. Yep. So I was going to ask, in Hogwarts, at least, every house has a ghost. We haven't ghosts?

Of course. Mostly bush rangers, though. Yeah, I mean, I was going to say, like, a lot of them are probably going to be bush rangers. Yeah. Or they're old wizards in Harry Potter, so, like- Sure, I mean, they'd be Bushranger wizards. That's mad. Can mine be the half-eaten body of Captain Cook?

Yes, of course. Does he crawl around with just his arms? Because that's nasty. That's nasty and good. No, no. Ghosts can hover. He hovers, but his entrails are falling out as he goes. Nobody wants Creslo House as a gross ghost.

Oh, we got a reply from JD. He wants clarification. He's looking for a house I'd run or a house I'd be interested in. I'm going to say run, and I'm going to take this brief moment to say that this episode, again, was sponsored by Loot Crate. So just go to lootcrate.com slash letmedie. Enter the coupon code letmedie to save a couple of bucks off some subscriptions. They've got some crazy good stuff. I mean this this month is all about uh uh magic the theme is magic

hey and this theme is magic dr strange came out like last week or two weeks ago we all kind of forgot about it yep magical beasts is out this week that's pretty yeah that's right. It's pretty nifty. So yeah, let's go sign up. Check it out. LukeCrate.com slash let me die. Champ. Oh, here we go. Whoa, it's full on. I can see on the phone. After the Battle of Hogwarts, there should be a house with a car for its animals since there's a wild car on campus.

That's fucked, but also good. But for him, an ape, 100%. That's fine. There's a lion in the Hogwarts houses, so he can have an ape. Sure. Cool. Just house. Do you want an Australian ape?

What's an Australian ape? A yaoi. A yaoi. Here's an Australian ape. You wanted yaoi from the beginning. You won! Son of a bitch. All right, so house to Shemma.

Yep. Is a yaoi. Perfect. Good. All right, so we got our houses. Adam's got his ghost. What are your ghosts? I was thinking of having my ghost to be the ghost of a dog. You know Red Dog?

That dog that everyone was like, where'd this dog come from? The classic working dog. Yeah, like a working dog ghost. I think that's nice for House Grub Grub. Like a mutt. No. Shut up. A witchedy grub ghost. Because it's real little and it'd be kind of cool to have it.

I feel like you were stretching it to get the dog, but alright. Because how good to be eating your ghost. Yeah, tiny little witchedy grob. If you don't know... Oh, witchedy grob. Right, right. I'm sorry. I'm thinking butchie boy. No, no, no. Witchedy grob. Yeah, witchedy grob. Dusha wants to resend yaoi and be an emu now.

Ah, it's too late. He's a knight. He is too late. He's an ape. He is an ape. He's an Australian ape. Deal with it, douche. Yeah, so a little witchetty grove ghost that flies around being like... That's fucking disgusting and terrifying. They're kind of cute witchetty groves. Not a ghost one flying around.

What about you? One of the convicts that died in Tasmania, or Demon's Land as it used to be called. Why isn't our house there? Oh, man! Fuck! We could have. We could have, like, named it something like that. Van Demon Land!

Oh, come on! It's like Van Demon House! Fuck! We can shift it. Van Demon's Academy. Yeah. I still want, like, Wattlebrush Academy. I think that's good, but I think it's good to... Or is Tasmania where Azkaban is? Yeah. Yeah.

That's where we're keeping our bad wizards. In our Van Demons land. That's our Azkaban. Good. So now we've got our houses sorted. What I guess the next question is, is how do we run this school because i think into the ground sorry money laundering tax evasion it's all a scam yeah because well no because i think like hogwarts didn't do it great are we are we as lax on our like education well what what are our

can we teach maths? I want to be like, look, we should teach maths. I would like one like a big Indigenous culture. Definitely something we should be doing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, other than that, you've got your basics.

Would we have our own forbidden forest? The desert. Is it filled with dangerous animals? You'll die it's a desert mate you fucking idiot don't be fucking dumb the forbidden goby desert yeah just mate i mean sure it's like best best not uh yeah uh yeah so that's how that's that we don't need to one-to-one hogwarts though like if we have a caretaker excuse me we just call us sam's desert it's forbidden sammo's desert or something of course yeah i was gonna say i don't want a quidditch team i want like a magical football team yeah i think that's more up our alley i was

thinking maybe like is there just like an australian magical sport almost not that i guess we don't want to create a magical sport This is about creating a magical school But would there be like You know how the rest of the world has Their sports and we have Aussie rules soccer Would there be something like Aussie rules Quidditch Which would be a football Yeah oh definitely

I'd say we basically get the tenets of Quidditch And then we just like AFL-icize it Australian rules football Or like rugby I think you've got to strip it back Quidditch, and then we just like AFL-icize it. Yeah, so you just kind of- Australian rules football. Or like rugby it. I think you've got to strip it back. I think you've got to strip everything back.

Bludgers, get rid of them. Okay. I'm a fan of bludgers, though. Seeker, fuck him off. He can be fucked off. But bludgers, because you want to be able to- Yeah, I think we'd have more bludgers. Like, if anything- I think that Seeker becomes a bludger.

Yeah. If anything, it's like 12v12, and like 10 of more bludgers. I think that seeker becomes a bludger. Yeah. If anything, it's like 12v12 and like 10 of them bludges. Maybe not 10. 10's a bit overblown. Sorry. Basically, let's just elevate football. I think remove the seeker aspect of it. Nah, fuck off brooms.

Where's the wizard? Yeah. What about this? How's this for a fuck? Fuck off the brooms, but you can do magic. What I was going to say... Maybe this is sort of just stupid, but here it is. Basic football pitch.

Yeah. But instead of people being in there, you, like, use magic to mind-wog into, like, a big stone golem, and you kind of destroy each other as you play the football. Eh? Our muggos accidentally encountered this one day and that's how they named it Gridiron.

Because we played with iron. Yeah, you gotta play with stone. Stone, iron, eh. I'm not a huge fan. Fair. I just tried I'm gonna go back to Witchdy Grubhouse And do whatever

I like the idea of Aussie rules Put on Quidditch On our brooms Cause if you get rid of the brooms Where's the good Where's the magic Cause if you have a broom

You can't kick it You can still Well not as well I guess Yeah You gotta like Bounce at everything So I guess So I guess you gotta like Throw, and then we're just doing Quidditch.

Yeah, true. Fuck it, nah, we'll have our own Quidditch team. What about if you strap the broom to your back? Like a jetpack. Oh, yeah. Because then you're still flying, but you've got full maneuverability of your body. What if brooms are only for the bludgers? Everyone else has to run on the ground with the ball. Yeah. Or bro are only for the bludgers? Everyone else has to run on the ground

with the ball. Or brooms only for a goalie. Goalie and also I like bludgers as well. How scary. Worried about them coming from above, chucking a ball at you? Yeah.

Lead ball at you to knock you? My god, they use lead ball. What the hell is wrong? Some of them are like 12. To lead ball at you? To knock you? My God, they use lead ball. They... Broken bow. What the hell is wrong? Wizards are sturdy. Some of them are like 12.

Wizards are sturdy. It's five. I messed up. It's five, guys. God, I hate that drunk guy sound. It's five. No, I reckon, yeah, you'd AFL. I reckon only give the keeper the gun.

I like the bludgers. I'm without them. Yeah. Keep running. Talk me through your reasoning. I can only give the keeper the gun. I like the bludgers. I'm without them. Yeah. Keeper and bludgers, I think. Talk me through your reasoning. Well, the reasoning is because if you're on the ground kicking a magic footy, then it can go up high and the goalie can be like, ooh, grab it. That's good.

Goalie, but I think goalie and bludgers. Then why the bludger? Because who's running around? The other people. Chasers. The chasers and your beaters. Yeah. No, your beaters are in the sky.

Otherwise, they're just like... But... So your beater's in the sky, your bludger's... So this is the Seekers on the ground. What's the difference between a beater and a bludger? One of them's the ball, the other one's the person who uses the ball. One's got the stick, yeah? That's the beater.

He's the beater. Bludger is the ball. The bludger's the ball. I think we've been using the terms interchangeably. I apologise. Please don't send us using the terms interchangeably. I apologise. Please don't send us emails. Or if you do, send them to joel.dusher at gmail.sanspants.com

dot nz Right. I don't know. We can workshop that. Or we can just go fuck it. We want to be seen on the international wizarding thing. Just do Quidditch. Honestly.

I think we do both. To be honest, Australia is a very sporting country, so yeah. I think we, just don't worry about exactly how the AFL version of Quidditch is played. I think we just accept that there is an AFL version. Yeah, that's, alright, good. What classes do we teach?

Are there any classes we don't teach? And I mean magic classes. Any classes we don't teach, any classes we teach that the other wizards Defense against the dark arts Why? Don't bother Why? We're too far away from anyone

Yeah, we're fine Voldemort ain't coming here for nothing Or defense against the dark arts is like a class you can take It's an optional class Australia's a dangerous place, you dickheads Yeah, snakes Not dark wizards Like, what about the goddamn fucking

Yaramark? Nobody's ever teaching Harry Potter how to fight like a bloody dragon. Lupin does. Yeah, after class. Yeah, you, like, if you learn about fucking those animals, it's because you're learning about it in animal class.

Yeah, I just think Defense Against the Dark Arts around before Voldemort was a thing. He was, wasn't he? Yeah, because he wanted that position. And was it only introduced after, say, Grindelwald? I don't know that. They've probably been evil wizards as long as people can remember. So that's why I'd say you'd have it. It's almost like a self-defense class.

Yeah, but we don't teach self-defense in regular class. No one can just kill you with a flick of a wand. I say that we put that as an elective. Well, okay, wait. Then again, I guess in America you can't. Yeah, people have guns. Guns, which is admittedly a lack of... Knives as well are a thing. You can kill someone pretty easy with a knife. If you're really quick with a

playing card. But then again, everyone gives out a wand. You all have a wand. Yeah. I have access to a knife. I'd say Defenses Against the Dark Arts. Let's take a vote. Well, I've lost. I say...

If you want, you can message Doucher and see if he'll back you up. Alright, I will. We'll come back to this. What about the fucking Clairvoyance bullshit? Fuck that off. We don't need that. It's a nonsense magic anyway it's like half barely proven in the actual book so we don't need it transfiguration let's stop this is a basic wizard rule let's start really really basic you're not turning a rat into a cup until like you're nearly finished you know know what i mean but then we're behind what

about because it gets so much more advanced yeah and then also if you're teaching that in the end we're going to be left behind in like all the all the like hogwarts will look at us like dumb fucks okay no no i think here's where we start what are because let's do this a little bit oh i don't know actually i don't know what your schooling was like. What are the subjects that you will learn from beginning to end? Yeah, true. What are your bread and butter subjects? I reckon charms is one of your bread and butter subjects. Yep.

Charms and... Not curses. Or is that part of charms? What was the one that's like hexes? Was hexes a class? I think you learn hexes and charms or in defense against the dark arts okay i would say see i would say defense against the dark arts is one you want to keep the whole whole time but that look i know it's a contentious

yeah look we've put the vote out there well it's a hot button if dusha comes back with the positive then we can discuss it until then let's just put it to the side. Put it to the side. It's on the back. I would say... It's in my chamber of platypus secrets. The den of secrets. The den of secrets.

No, what is a platypus living? The burrow of secrets. The burrow of secrets. All right, Dusha says keep it. Keep it. Well, I guess we've got to consider it now. Especially after Voldemort, because assuming it now. Especially after Voldemort, because assuming this has taken place after Voldemort,

when people are like, Oi, mates, build a school. Okay, here's my compromise. So, bread and butter until last two years, because those are the years that are important for your... Not fair. Not fair, I agree. Can I propose...

The VCE is like, you don't have to... You're Alzen to Newts. May I propose a third alternative? Yes. Fellow whizzards. Yes? We integrate Defense Against the Dark Arts into every other class. Done. Transfiguration. That's alright. Hey, we're turning a rat into a cop. If a dark wizard

is trying to get you, here's how to turn him into a cop. Gosh, you're good. There you go. Next question. Yeah, all right. We'll do that. So charms is a bread and butter one. Charms is a bread and butter. Transfiguration?

I would say transfiguration, yeah. But like it's a weird one. Potions? Potions is a bread and butter. Potions is bread and butter. Yep. Broomstick, because we want these kids to get some physical exercise. Well, it's Australia.

I think sports is mandatory. Quidditch. Quidditch, mate. AFL. How many do you need? I think sports is mandatory Quidditch AFL How many do you need? I think three is good I think those three are good Those are the ones you're going to need the whole way up Are we teaching at this school? Who's the headmaster?

At first we have to I think at first, until we pass off We just form a council Neither of us can be the headmaster. Varkadova! Varkadova! Headmaster! We'd have to elect somebody to be the headmaster. Or the most qualified person. We would be running each of our schools, using the four things.

Our houses. We'd be heads of houses, yeah, true. Oh, where are your common rooms? Oh, mad, good question My one's under the lake Of course it is That's classic, that's classic You walk to the lake side

You're like, say the right Oh, wait, hang on You walk to the lake side And there's just a part of the lake that you can walk down It's an illusion That's good as, witchy Grub boy, hang on. I'm imagining... You dig down. Yeah. Well, like, I think Wichita Grubs

live in trees. So, like, in a tree? Maybe, like, in a tower? Yeah, like, in one of the towers. I know we're kind of imagining that we still sort of have a castle-like structure. But made out of tin. Corrugated iron castle. It's a corrugated iron castle.

Corrugated iron castle. That's pretty good. Let's have a vote. Let's have a vote. All in favour say aye. Aye. Aye. Gotcha.

What I was saying was, yes, we have corrugated tin castle. I'm not saying I like it. It's very Australiana, but I'm not saying I like it. No, that's fair. Yeah, I think Wichita Grub House, another illusion, what would normally be like a fat lady style entrance. It's just like a little hole that you've got to crawl your way through,

and it looks like the inside of a tree. Nice. It's real cozy, paper bark, comfy chairs, little fire going. Oh, perfect. Yeah, we've got a little grove. Oh, that's nice. For us. With some fig trees.

Good. Oh, that'd be nice. None of us are in the building. Nope. Yeah, true. Fuck off the castle. You don't need the castle then. Sleep on the stars.

But then- Yes, for shed warts. So, corrugated castle. Got him. Got him good. I was thinking now, actually, fuck off the castle. What if we just have You know those classic

They had them at my primary school Portables? Yeah, portables Oh, yes Portables Fucking Bottle Brush Academy is just portables And that's so good

But no, I reckon, yeah Like a grove Fucking under the stars if you want to Or one of those things where you magic it So then you can see the stars Oh, yeah, yeah So it's all indoors But, you open up, you go through something. It's like how the Grand Hall.

It's like a wooden door with an emblazoned fig tree. So every house in Hogwarts has something to stop other houses getting in. What's yours? A Yari my Yahoo. Oh, so you just actually have one? I reckon. You're like, I am not going into that common room. I think it'd be pretty good to have.

I'd be scared, but it's your choice. You're a carbon root. Maybe there is a password on mine. Which is a basic password. I think everything probably has passwords All the houses in Hogwarts have different ones It's a riddle for Ravenclaw Hufflepuff has three things of mead

And you gotta turn the right tap or some garbage What? I like Hufflepuffs is like the most simple They're like you gotta one in three change Is this what happens with Slytherins? Is it also a password? Yeah Slytherin also has a password a password? Or is it a blood sacrifice? Yeah, Slytherin also has a password.

Yeah, I kind of have this thing in my head of them having to prick their finger. Yeah. Or is that something we discussed in the movie? Remember, Malmite has the same mud blood to get in. Yeah, yeah. I would have a blood sacrifice for us. Jesus.

Like a little sucker that comes out. You just gotta put your finger in. You get a blood. Oh, that's okay. That's not... I mean, like, every single member of your house has, like, a scar on their fingertip. But that's how you's not I mean like every single member of your house has like a scar on their fingertip

that's alright mine is there's a little bowl of witchetty groves you gotta eat one and then the door opens for you fuck that's easy

to get into shouldn't my one be an eating witchetty grove I think platypuses do that more than witchetty groves well then it's leaves

I guess so it's not that hard to eat a leaf yeah that's fine you're getting broke into so much we're not fussed we're friendly wait it's not that hard to eat a leaf. Yeah, that's fine. You're getting broken into so much. We're not fussed, we're friendly. Nah, fair. Wait, that's not

terribly cautious. Not at all. Yeah, if anything, you'd be very complex. Yeah, true. A maze. No, what about this? So there's like a little antechamber between the outside of the school and the inside of the common room. You go in there and a web is spun around you like

a cocoon. Then you're gonna burst out of the cocoon into the common room. You go in there and a web is spun around you like a cocoon. Then you've got to burst out of the cocoon into the common room. And most people don't go in because they just can't be bothered. It takes a long time. A common room that no one uses because they can't be bothered. People just go to the other common room. So he's like, fucking, the floor of that common room is littered with cocoons. Yeah, it's good. I like that none of the Hogwarts houses

base themselves after the animals, but we all thought we had to. It's not like they're like, Gryffindor is in a lion's den. Well, they should have. Because it kind of naturally led on from where is your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we all kind of can imagine the basic design of our particular common rooms. What else? What other things does Hogwarts do? What other things do we need to take care of? I'm assuming our Grand Hall is much the same, you know? Much the same. Just enough portable.

Sunday roast. Sunday roast. A lot of lamb. What slave race do we use? Oh, yeah, good question. What slave race do we use? Bunyips. Bunyips?

Giant chained bunyips. That's the thing dragging the carriages? Giant chained bunyips. That's the thing, like dragging the carriages. It's like giant bunyips. There's got to be like a little tiny... Can we have like a dire kangaroo or something like that? How great is it to imagine that people get to our school, not by train, but along like a big stretch of highway in the desert. They pull over and there's a dirt road with big bunyips and a carriage

and they just get on that. Somebody drives their shitty Ford away from them. Oh, drop bears. Drop bears. Drop bears. They can be our little slave wrecks. Little koala people that make our food. Yeah.

That's it. And then it kind of fits in that whole, like, house elf war we, you know, you kind of want to have. Like, of course. The drop bears had to have vicious little fuckers. Vicious. We had to do something. I really like the phrase

that house elf war you wanted to have. I did want to have that house elf war. That's your headcanon. It is. So yeah, I reckon that, like drop bears, maybe they were this menace and then we just sort of magically muted them.

Chained them up, made them cook us dinner. Tell you what the Hogwarts castle has that we have yet to discuss. So they've got, like, paintings that talk, fucking moving staircases. What's all, like, magic shit going on naturally? There's a danger to the students in our house. That's true. Oh, yeah. We do need danger.

We do need danger. What about... No. Never mind. It's going to be, like, sometimes the walls just push you down off the balcony. I reckon the portables rearrange themselves. That makes it difficult for people to find their class, and that's funny. Like hell it does.

Sure does. What about just loose animals? Yeah, I was going to say loose animals. Yeah, you get animals just wandering through. In your walls happening. Bloody mongrel dogs just getting around. Just feral animals That's good

Feral cats everywhere Like magical Oh wait, fucking panthers Panthers, black panthers Black panthers, magical black panthers Fill the place with black panthers I think that's good Just basic wild, like a menagerie of creatures

Roam the halls Can we get like a Russell Coit Kind of person Just basic wild Like a menagerie of creatures roam the halls Yeah Can we get like a Russell Coit Kind of person for our Headmaster I was going to say for our caretaker Welcome everybody Another year in Wattlebrush Academy

Do we have a sorting hat Sorting gumboots Done Put them on and they have a chat with each other Nah the gumboots. Done. Put them on and they have a chat with each other. Nah, the gumboots make you walk to the entrance of the house that's relevant to you. Yeah, it's a long walk. And so they get to chat with you

on the way. You guys keep saying halls. I'm imagining just portables and everything else is out in the open. Is anyone else imagining that? I'm imagining this weird hybrid of Hogwarts and like whatever we're describing. Like a lot of damper. Yeah. That's good. Is anyone else imagining that? I'm imagining this weird hybrid of Hogwarts and, like, whatever we're describing. Like, a lot of damper. Yeah.

That's good. Oh, yum. How good is damper? Put a little honey in that. Bit of jam. Fucking goddamn. Oh, man, I want damper. Yeah, I reckon, like, a nice little maze.

Not a maze, like a bit of a walk. Yeah. So you have a bit of a contemplative walk. I like the gumboots chatting to you. Can I say the words walkabout or is that offensive? No, you can say walkabout. So yeah, the gumboots get a bit of a walkabout. A little bit of a walkabout.

And they decide where you want to be and then they walk you to the house of... Yeah. And by the time you finish having a discussion, you're already at the entrance of the house. They've got to be called like Gaz and Sheila or whatever they're called. Oh, right. And they're like, you're right, little tucker. And you're like, yeah, I'm not sure what house I want to be in. And they're like, well, tell me about yourself.

And I want it to not be such a big fucking affair as it is in fucking Hogwarts because it's such a private, intimate thing. What I want is all of the people that are in that house to be in the house currently. And as it kind of walks you to it, you open the door and there's your people. Yeah, and they're like, come on in, mate. Come on in, mate. And then the gumboots walk themselves back. You hop in.

The next person jumps in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell me, are you a cautious person? Or would you describe yourself as a lover of platypus? So when you think about other people, do you imagine sucking their blood? Are you a ambitious person, mate? What do you think about taking from the wet? Do you hate the wet?

Do you strong? Do you strong? Are you strong? Are you just like, whatever? It doesn't really fit any of the other houses. I guess emu or ape house for you. Which is it? No, it's the same house. I forget what the name is.

Anyway. Dump you in there. Do you want to be a hero? Do you have like a hero complex? I don't know. You probably do. Yeah. In you go. In you go? Do you have like a hero complex? I don't know. You probably do. Yeah. In you go.

In you go. In you go, dickhead. Would you call yourself a dumb fuck or a smart cunt? I guess a smart cunt. All right. Off we go to the Bloodhouse. I like that it's basically- Wait.

Wait. Do you want to punch people? Sometimes. Oh, maybe you want to go to the Bloodhouse. Well, that changes things. Let's take you to the blood house. I like that it boils down to a very Dolly-esque personality quiz. Oh, fuck, yes.

But one of those obvious ones, like, list your favorite animal. Is it the witchy-dee-grub, platypus, emu, or whatever the fuck that is? Yari-my-yo. Yari-yamaho. And you're like, I don't. Emu, then you're in this house. Is it literally based on my animal choice? Just fucking get in there.

Pass on the last two fucking questions we answered, mate. Yeah. Then you're fucking in. All right. All right. I like them. I think we're doing good. I think this is.

So I don't know how relevant this is, but in Hogwarts, you know, at the end, the battle for Hogwarts, every teacher has, like, a spell or a protective thing that they've cast on the school. Or when we're guiding the philosophers. Yeah, yeah. So, what's their...

What do we do to defend this school from evil? All right, this is two questions. So, defending the evil, then our philosopher stone trap thing. Well, I guess what we Defending the evil, then our Philosopher's Stone trap thing. Well, I guess what we've got to choose then is what kind of magic are we good at? Where is our skill? Yeah.

And I guess that's based on just whatever. I kind of want to go with like, I'm going with a theme of like blood magic and dark rituals. You're kind of like Defense Against the Dark Arts without the Defense Against the... You're just Dark Arts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah so uh i think for the for the for the philosopher's stone or sorcerer's stone depending where you were living when you read this uh i would say it has to be to kind of progress past my part of the puzzle you have to perform some kind of blood sacrifice where you give up a part of yourself all right like chop a finger over you could carry on that's a very different book yeah so it's just like you you but like and sometimes it can be like maybe not a physical thing maybe it's a part of your soul yeah you have to give up so you horcrux yourself you have to horcrux yourself to get so i guess so i guess there's like an innocent in there yeah you have to kill you hate christ man It's rough I like that That's rough Like it's just like Oh wow wizard chess

Broom puzzles Oh what is this Is that just a knife And an innocent So I think my It's just like a cup I can see this My spell to protect Hogwarts

Is that during class I think I'll take Transfiguration It just seems reasonable I've tagged say 10 or 12 children and if danger threatens they transform into like butterfly people

and have to fight they don't know though but they're just like and then they've got to fight them so wait, is this Philosopher's Stone? No, this is the defense. Mine's just defense of Hogwarts.

So my defense of Hogwarts would be, again, a summoning spell, so where you have to summon demons and ghouls, and it's basically like nightmares to fight for us. And then the fun part of wrangling them. Yeah, afterwards. We really need to get them defense against the Dark Arts. There's fucking spiders everywhere. Yes. What have you done?

Why did none of us choose spider as our house? Oh, summon a giant spider. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I'm summoning a nightmare is my protection against. I'm kind of just constantly imagining spiders as our dragons. Or cameras. No, not either.

Dragons is good. Maybe some snakes. No, snakes would be our dragons. Snakes would be our dragons. What are you? No, no. What's your puzzle For the philosophy stage Ah true Went straight to eating Wichiti grubs

No okay I'm going to stay there There's a big bowl of Wichiti grubs One has a key in it But it's always the last Wichiti grub you eat So you gotta eat just a lot of them so how many is a lot like 200 300 witchetty grubs something like that in a big walk and you gotta just and the last one has a key in it so it's not really a challenge of the magical variety

it's just how many witchetty grubs can you eat before you throw up okay yeah so my one's gonna be a little similar to one of the... Oh, this is Defending the Philosopher's Stone. Cool. So similar to an already existing one from Hogwarts. You know how they had to grab a key? Yeah. Okay. Everywhere there are kangaroos milling about,

jumping about. Uh-huh. You gotta find the right kangaroo with the right key in his pouch. Oh! a rugby style a bloody ball in it to knock it out and then get the key out of its pouch. I'm going to go with that. If you arrived in that puzzle

room, you just wouldn't know what the challenge would be like. There's a rugby ball on an altar and a fuck ton of kangaroos. The correct kangaroo is coloured the same colour as the doorknob. What about defending Hogwarts against of kangaroos. The correct kangaroo is coloured the same colour as the doorknob hippograss. What about defending Hogwarts against evil? What's your move? I'm not 100% sure. I'm playing around. Giving everyone

a knife. Hang on a bloody minute. I was gonna say like a moat, but no, I like that. Just everyone has a knife? I'm gonna give everyone a poisoned dagger. Oh, it's like one of those things you summon. No, no, no. I'm gonna give 50% of the students a like one of those things you summon No no no I'm gonna give 50% Of the students a poisoned dagger

Cause if you're like a fucking Death-o-eater or whatever the fuck The equivalent is You come in there's a 50-50 chance The school student that you're messing with Is packing heat and ready to go Like have that um Almost like it's like a spell

Where like a magical Like green knife Just like appears Near their Yeah yeah Magical green thumb Oh he's like Yeah magical green thumb

You should take What is our What is our horcrux That Voldemort Could win Oh yeah What does he nick off us Yeah yeah

So he gets my dagger Your dagger My Don't just say What you need Or don't say bowl No the bowl Could be good So he gets my dagger. Your dagger. My... Don't just say witch digrup. Or don't say bowl. No, the bowl could be good.

The bowl you kept your witch digrup in. Yeah. No, my cocoon. Sorry? A cocoon. I thought you said a bag of goon. My bag of goon! My bag of goon is very good.

That's good. Destroy the bag of goon, Harry. that's good destroy the bag of goon Harry or Hazza gotta finish you gotta drink it all drink it all drink the bag of goon

to destroy it it'll try and corrupt you you gotta fucking destroy that bag Harry Hazza Hazza Hazza mate

Hazza what destroy the goon Hazza come on mate don't be a p goon, Hazza Come on, mate Don't be a puss Come on, Hazza You're a shit-cunt, Hazza

Fuck, I won't even drink half of it Loser What would my one be? Good I don't know So wait, are you picking bag of goons? Yeah, I'll pick bag of goons Oh, bag of goons Oh, that's good I almost want to be like a hill's you picking bag of goon? Yeah, I'll pick bag of goon. Oh, bag of goon.

Oh, that's good. I almost want to pick a hill's hoist. Because you hang the goon off the hill's hoist. Hill's hoist. That's a real Australian thing, you know? Hill's hoist was actually a decent choice, I think. Yeah. I mean, a hill's...

Hills can actually... Alright. I don't know if all hill's hoists can do this. But the one I used to own at my parents' place, it was like a hole in the ground that it could be lifted out of so i think hills hoist is good the uh uh tim azar's hill hoist classic i like to think harry has to drag that around like australia to look at your how to destroy find a sword or something like that that'll break it.

You have to destroy it with your dagger. Or the platypus's venom. Oh, platypus is a real good, like, chamber, like, burrow of secrets, because it's got, like, the venom. Yeah, that's good. That's perfect. It fits.

I like that it's paralyzing people all over the school. I say we choose a real caretaker, not Hagrid. Yeah, fair enough. Oh, wait. If we could use, going back to the sports stuff, the ball could be like a magical echidna. Yeah. Shit, yeah.

Rolls into a little ball. Or at least based on a magical echidna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. I really like, actually, you know, if you wanted to get rid of brooms, but the ball is just a really fast echidna that everyone's chasing, that's all right.

Can we fuck off brooms and have a different mode of transport? Yeah, yeah, I'm down. What would the mode of transport be? That's what I want to know. What would that mode of transport be? What about, like, footy shoes that let you fly? Oh, that's good. I was thinking, like, a Ford.

All right. Or a Holden Commodore. So, like, Holden Commodore Polo. Maybe just flying cars are okay in Australia. No, but we need something better than the fucking broom. Yeah, we do. Flying cars? Dirt bikes. Dirt bikes. Like, what's a quintessential Australian

thing that we can not want? I always see Aussie dudes on fucking dirt bikes. Yamaha. It's like Contiki Tour? Magical Contiki Tour. I like, instead of Quidditch, it's just dudes in Holden Commodores. Like, you know that thing?

They're making a movie about it at the moment. Oh, yeah, wheels or whatever. Where you just, like, spin in the mud. Burnouts. Burnouts. Doeys. Magical sky does. Like, a magical scarf you wrap around your neck.

Okay. To what end? Help you fly. All right, yeah. That might kill us. You wrap around your neck To what end? To help you fly What if we ride kangaroos That hop really far Emus That fly

Emus that fucking fly Well one team's on emus, one team's on ruse One team's jumping, one team's flying That's good Who can kick the ball into the hole Maybe one's a defending team One jumping, one team's flying. That's good. That's all right. Who can kick the ball into the goal? Who can kick the equipment into the hole? Perfect. Maybe one's a defending team, one's an attacking team. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roo's defending, Emi's attacking. Something like that. Yeah, we'll figure it out. That's nitty gritty stuff. That's not for this episode. It's fine. That's for after the episode when we sit down to nut this out. After the episode when we sit down for a long six-hour chat.

About Water Brush Academy. Yes. All right. Is there anything else we need to figure out about our school? I was going to say who's the evil Australian That fucks up our school And how does he fuck up our school? Voldo Voldy Voza

Fuck off F-O-Z-A Voza Voza Fuck off. Fuck off, Fozza. Z-Z-A. Fozza. Fozza. Fozza. Fozza. That's how the Death Eaters distinguish each other. Fozza. Fozza.

Can you say his name? Yeah, whatever. Fozza. Oh, mate, it's Fozza. Don't say that. Shut up, cunt. Shut up, you fucker. You're the cunt who can't be fucking named.

Fuck off. Fuck it, I'll name him all I fucking want. Fozza, you dickhead. So Fozzer v. Hazzo is our eternal battle. Hazzo. Hazzo. Can't be the exact same. That's true.

Doesn't sound as well. Fozzer vs. Hazzo, the eternal battle. How do we deal with that? Leave it up to Hazzo. He knows what he's doing. That's Hazzo's problem, mate. Yeah, true. Hazzo and Russell Quaid got this good.

They'll figure it out. Mate, Hogwarts will always be there for cunts what, mate. Yeah, true. Hazo and Russell Coit got this good. They'll figure it out. Mate, Hogwarts will always be there for cunts what need it. You're right. No worries, mate. No fucking worries. Look, have this goddamn water brush. Yeah. Mate, you're right.

Yeah, who is our headmaster? I like a Russell Coit. You're a fucking wizard, Adam. I'm a fucking what? You're a bloody wizard, mate. Did you fucking... What, you got fucking glue fucking what? You're a bloody wizard, mate. What you got? Fucking glue in your ears. And a bloody good one.

All our wands would be like eucalyptus. Oh, yes. 11-inch eucalyptus bunyip hair. What's our headmaster? Russell Coyt. Headmaster. I'm imagining dressed like one-to-one Russell Coit, but with a beard. Yeah, yeah.

That's a good reference for anyone not in Australia. If you're not from Australia, this whole episode has been a nightmare. Apologies. What's his forks? Oh, true. It's like a galah. Oh, yeah, a galah. Yeah.

Fucking flying through, getting your fucking platypus in the eyeballs. Yeah. Perfect. Not platy. Crying on hazards. Oh, fuck. He'd have like shit like- This is Blinky Bill?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's good. He'd be a real guy. He would. He would. Is this Blinky Bill? Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's good. You're a real guy. He would. He would. Triwizard Cup, I'm assuming, never comes to us.

That's a European thing anyway. I'm assuming at some point divination is taught by a koala or a drop bear or whatever. That's good. Yeah, I think we have a different kind of Triwizard Cup. We'd have our own. It's not quite as good. It's basically inter-school sports. The Australasia Cup. Yeah, the Australasia Cup. Yeah, Southeast Asia, New Zealand, and us.

It's basically all like us, New Zealand, and the islands near us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's fine, but again, it's nothing big. It's not fancy. Sausage sizzles, just as an event that happens often. Yep. Imagine watching the fucking, whatever the fuck our Roo Emu adventure is called, eating a snag with a bit of onion on that, a bit of tomato sauce.

I reckon that's where you start your transfiguration, how to, like, make a good snack. Yeah. How do you turn your regular sausage into a bloody snack? How to turn rocks into sausages. Oh, mate. All right, lads. Today we're teaching you how to turn rocks into sausages.

Welcome, everybody. I like that you're going to just end up with rocks. Oh, I want one now. Yeah, I want a bunning snag. Do you think that one near the office works as well? Well, it won't be closed by now, I reckon. That's so sad. And on that note, I've been Geol Timizar.

I've been Jalaxali Munchkrob. I've been Salaxali Munchkrob. I've been Sif Kreslow. Still had the best name of all of us. You did. Kreslow makes me so happy. I would want to get into House Kreslow. Even though I've got my own house.

There's a weird mixture like, who is the Slytherin? Because it's not me and it's not you either. You're like too much of a Slytherin. I've got the animal that lives under the school. And we just have the bloodthirstiness. And if you guys have any thoughts and opinions of an Australian Wizarding School, let us

know. You can email us in, sanspansradio at gmail.com or you can tweet us at sanspansradio or me personally, I'm at goddammitZammit. At AllDogsAreDead. At RetroArchetype. And once again, this episode has been proudly sponsored by Loot Crate. Just head to LootCrate.com slash LetMeDie and enter the coupon code LetMeDie to receive a little bit of something something.

And yeah, really help support the show. And again, this month is all about magic and wizards and more magic and more wizards and doctors and strangeness. Bazaar. And things. So, so. Go. Dolmama. Yeah.

See you next week. Actually, no, not see you next week. You guys are fucking seeing magical beasts, aren't you? I'm not. We're a pair of magical creatures. I'm looking forward to it. You guys are hashtag let me die. I'm hashtag.

No, I'm excited. It's writers coming. Do not. I'm not looking forward to it. You guys are hashtag let me die. I'm hashtag I'm excited. It's writers coming. Do not. I'm not looking forward to that movie though. Well, I'm looking forward because I'm not going to be there and that's all good. I'm going to be in the city celebrating more 30s. Enjoy that. Well done for turning

three decades old. Thanks, mate. It's okay. Simultaneously. I feel like I should leave the room. Bye. Bye. Bye. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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