Plumbing the Death Star - If You Could Exploit a Trope from Television for Financial Gain or Personal Benefit Which One Would You Pick and How Would You Do So? (Feat. Michael Williams and Adam)

Episode Date: December 4, 2016

In which our heroes enter the world of television, decide they need to make a quick buck, and then get hoisted by their own petard as we ask if you could exploit a trope from television for financial gain or personal benefit what would it be? We talk the availability of radios, the star power of Bill Clinton, and weather or not sleeping is a skill. Duscher's Nan gets murdered, Adam does his best to steal treasure, Michael has a run in with Lil' Wayne, and Jackson gets his self esteem destroyed.So turn on your tv, aquire the amount of money you specifically needed at that point, get stabbed because it's christmas, and steal some gems from some children. With special guest Lil Wayne and Bill Clinton.Want to help Adam destroy a skate park for a strip mall? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can get started.And don’t forget to sign up to lootcrate.com/letmedie and use the code letmedie to get some sweet sweet dollars off your next subscription!Also check out Michael’s podcasts It’s A Duck Blur and Pop Quiz Hot Shot! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And welcome to this week's episode of plumbing, the death star, where we ask you important questions. Like if you could exploit a trope from television for financial gain or personal benefit, which one would you pick? And how would you do so? Sunday,

Monday, happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days. Thursday, Friday, benefit which one would you pick and how would you do so so some ground rules we all know that in like a tv world certain things happen that don't happen in the real world okay so you know there are just certain tropes certain like fucking conventions of television that exist clearly within that world. So the question is, if you could choose one, you with the knowledge you have now from that world, what would it be? How would you exploit it?

How did you make that more wordy? Clear as mud. So, look, I'll try and explain it again. Okay, you give it a go. So, in the world of television... In the world of TV... John Logie Bear. In 1942, the first colour...

No, so, I would choose... You know in a TV show or a movie, somebody needs an amount of money, and they're like, if only I had $800 rent, and then they turn on their TV, and there's somebody on the TV being like, fucking enter this dirt bike competition, win eight hundred dollars grand prize okay

that's a thing in that world so i would carry with me at all times a small color television and if i ever needed anything okay i needed to know how to do anything i just ask the question turn on the tv find a powerpoint find a power i'll have batteries for it an antenna i'll have a generator someone will be like jackson should we go like out for chinese or indian i'll be like let me check then i'll find a generator turn it just buy a portable you don't need a generator i'll find a portable tv you're gonna have to have the rabbit ear antennas i'll i'll cop it for the for the You can just buy a portable You don't need a generator I'll find a portable TV then

You're going to have to have the rabbit ear antennas I'll cop it For the ability to Oh wait no we don't have analog TV anymore in Australia Oh yeah You can't do it I'll just turn on the TV What should I do

Give me a moment. You are just fucked. Oh, he's a radio then. Same difference. There's always going to be a competition or a missing dog that'll tell me how to get that amount of money. And portable radios are easy to find. Exactly.

There's fucking tons of them. I feel like that was sarcasm, Jackson. How did you not get that? But I could just be like, man, I need a million dollars. Enter this competition. Grand prize, a million dollars. But if you don't have also with you the trope that you win any competition you enter,

you might not win the million dollars. But assuming that... Surely the downside of this is that you immediately fail if you don't get that one opportunity. Because that's how it always works on the show. You need to win that competition. But that competition Or the orphanage is getting sold And because you're just you in real life

Because the only trope you took was You can't win that singing contest You haven't got a fucking chance Surely though I fail the singing contest You lose the orphanage gets sold They're like no no no No no no Surely though, I fail the singing contest. You lose, the orphanage gets sold. They're like, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Surely then I could be like in my car, sitting there being lost in othery, be like, man, if only I had a million dollars, turn on the radio again, get a new competition. You get infinite tries, but if you keep losing, it's not good. You're going to have infinite tries and no self-esteem. The downside of my choice is the damage to my self-esteem.

Infinite tries and no self-esteem are like two things that Jackson Maler set up to take advantage of. I already got infinite tries. He got time and he ain't got no care. And I feel like it's the kind of thing you could probably expand. Like, it doesn't just have to be monetary gain. Adam's eating soup as well for everyone playing at home. He's trying to hide it. Try and guess the flavour.

You'll be pleasantly surprised. It's creamy mushroom. Is it creamy mushroom or cream of mushroom? Creamy. I honestly couldn't tell you. How'd you make it? Did you cream a mushroom or did you just add cream and a mushroom? I opened the can. How'd you make it? Did you cream a mushroom? Or did you just add cream and a mushroom? I opened the can.

What did the can say? The can said the words cream and mushroom were involved. Did it say cream or creamy? Because that'll answer our riddle. Or did it just say cream mushroom? I actually honestly couldn't tell you. Anyway, that's Aaron's most famous soup music. So I think maybe Campbell's.

Adam's soup issues aside, is there any flaw with my brilliant plan? I would have already exploited it. The fact that you won't win any of these competitions. I'll win one eventually. No, because it isn't a luck thing. These are all talent competitions. I have some talent.

Not enough to win a competition. I like to hear you say, competitions. I have some talent. Not enough to win a competition. Jackson Bailey cannot win a competition. 100%. But if it's like a sleeping competition, I'm good at sleeping. Eventually you might get a comedy competition and then he has a chance. Hey, you're bad

at stand-up. No one's like, hey, record a podcast. And then even then there's podcasts that are better than this don't stop listening but it's not always necessarily a competition it might just be like jackson entered this um unique and dangerous like medical trial for a million dollars yeah it's always just it's that lead to the next i don't remember that movie no all right i'll give you that yeah like sometimes in tv and stuff like that it's like it's like i need 3 237 and then turn on the radio sell your kidney for 3 239

just come on down to dan's kidney emporium get rid of what you got too halfway through he's like you got two come on. Just do it. You could already sell your kidney. That's. I guess I don't need a radiator. Yeah, you don't need this magic power. But it might be like, oh, man, if only I had a million dollars. Coming down to the medical center, we'll scan your brain for a million bucks. There we go.

Jackson Bailey, million dollars richer. Brain scan. Brain cancer dead. Million dollars for a bit's that's grim can you do better than yep speaking of grim so i'm gonna go with the trope that is very specific to like soaps okay uh so especially soap trope it's a soap trope it's a soap trope it's our favorite segment soap trope uh so in australia that's neighbors home and away in the uk it's neighbors and they got all my all my family all my friends days of our lives days of our lives that they no i was talking like there's there's

a long run i don't know tweet me or something list send me the one where they've got a little evil kid who's sometimes passions passions passions

passions and there's also passions EastEnders people EastEnders is in Britain yeah killed it

anyway yeah so long wearing soaps and stuff like that when it comes to Christmas or the end of a season so it's usually Christmas time

in the town something fucked happens every single time because that's it's just before the Christmas break so they've got to end on a high note

so it's always around Christmas and it's always a cliffhanger so just here's some examples from Australian soaps in the last 10 years

that I can remember an illegal dance party that turns into a warehouse fire where all the young teens are at. What was that? I think that was Home and Away. Okay. It sounds more Home and Away than Nameless. Home and Away. Yeah.

Adam, that's copyrighted. We're sued. You've done us in. I'm sorry. There's pregnancies. Someone goes to jail. Somebody turns out to be a criminal. Someone comes back from jail.

Somebody stops being a criminal for a bit. They're a good dad now. No, they're dead or something, probably. People die, there's pregnancies. Horse deaths happens a lot in McLeod's Daughters. Yeah, exactly. It's fucked. Yeah, okay.

I don't know how you're exploiting it for... Easy. ...financial gain or personal benefit. Personal benefit. Okay. Invite all your enemies over to the town for Christmas. Got a nan you hate? Come on down for Christmas, nan.

Oh, no, nan's a criminal now. Put nan in jail. I feel like you're, though, in danger of being like, brought all my enemies, and then it's like, one of them assassinates you or something. That's also personal gain because you're dead yeah death is a boon i mean we know this yeah i did it oh no also because like and also like you're like bring that you're rolling your dice as to what like big event nan's pregnant

you're like the nan you hate's gonna have her baby you're like that's not what I wanted next Christmas I guess nan you hate is gonna have her baby and all the fucking people who hate you are gonna raise her she's gonna come back

to bite you you've just created your worst nightmare my rival exactly which I'll probably kill next Christmas or he won't kill me

or he's gonna be one year old he is rolling the dice but what if one of the events is that he has an evil twin evil twin comes around, all his enemies kill his evil twin he just

All the problems I create for myself sort themselves out in following Christmases Well I guess The benefit kind of is that no matter what, by the start of the next year, that problem's probably not going to be such a big deal Exactly, it'll reach a status quo like

I'm dead. Oh wait, no, I just fell over. Like Nan dies and you're like, oh no, but whatever, I'll see her again come New Year's. Everyone will be like, Nan's not dead. You'll be like, yeah, duh. She died at Christmas. Everybody knows that doesn't count.

Yeah, I guess, but I still don't really know what your benefit here is that other than maybe you got nan pregnant oh man i don't think that's what he was implying at all that's not what i think you've misunderstood do you think it's nan pregnant well i can also gain from different things so like in this series of like a warehouse fire or whatever yeah i just move i just move for christmas i didn't run out I make a lot of money because I'm selling around Christmas time. Okay. And I get out of town.

You have chosen the trope to then avoid the trope. Why not? Here's a neat idea. Just don't have that trope. Well, today's topic wasn't what? Nothing. Today's topic wasn't nothing. How would you nothing?

How would you just live your life as you basically live it now? I'm like, oh, I just do. I've changed. How do you do? I do. No, look, you could, and also if I wanted to get in

on the shady side of things, I would get away with it, because I'd be like, I could commit crimes, and then I know by New Year's I'd be sweet. That's what you've got to bloody get in on. So, like, my rival businessman opens a new fancy mega-mart across the road from my mum and pop hockey store. Popples? He's doing it again. Yep. So I just commit A sneaky bit of arson

Uh huh Burn it down Yeah Everyone's shocked And then it's revealed That it was me And everyone's shocked And then it's fine

Because I get acquitted Or something Yeah Like come New Year's There's another problem And you're like Whatever There's a serial killer

Around and they're like Nan's pregnant Don't worry about Dusha doing that arson Nan's pregnant That's like old business That is a good benefit You kind of like Christmas time Is just a blank check Nan's pregnant. That's like old business. That is a good benefit. You kind of like Christmas time is just a blank check.

Do what you like. It's like the purge. The purge. Yeah, yeah, the purge. It's purge-esque. Christmas purge. Plus, you know, you can kind of kill anyone. They'll come back.

Yeah, that's fine. You can just murder everyone at Christmas. I just get it out of my system. Exactly. If you choose that soap, then Christmas is your own personal purge. Yeah, that's good. That's pretty good. Christmas purge. What about you, Adam? So... Can you talk about

Christmas purge and a portable radio? I've got so many. Alright, but I think the one... Oh, but robbing children. No. Alright, the one I'm going to go with is, you know how every... There's a trope that in an old house, up in the attic, Oh, but robbing children. No. Okay. All right, the run I'm going to go with... All right. ...is, you know how every... There's a trope that in an old house, up in the attic, there is a treasure map.

That is the trope. And then I will use the treasure I got to buy a new old house, whose attic I will also raid for treasure maps. So, the treasure map in the first house... I will become part, like, land owner, and part treasure hunter. But isn't the treasures you're hunting further treasure maps?

Is that not what you just implied? No, no, no. The money I get from the treasure, I get another treasure map with. You're going to be a rich boy. No, he's not. He's got exactly the same problem you do. Where it's like, sure, you're fighting the treasure maps,

but you're not a treasure hunter. I was hoping no one would point you to that. Like, I can't solve the pirates riddle. Also, here's a map, Adam. It's of two islands. Okay, quick backup. I was gonna say, like, a pirate's like, it's like two holes, and it's like,

put your hand in the correct one, you just get bit by a crab. Do it again. Do it about a bunch of kids who get the time off during summer. Uh-huh. At some point they get money, but it gets swindled from them. I want to be that guy who swindles that money. Uh, okay.

They're just children after that. I get away with that. So the trope. They don't get away with it. They go to jail. You always go to jail. Or a dog bites them. Dog bites them. I'm free and clear

Yeah to be honest The only punishment Is a dog bite on the bum Or that really often Like there's never blood It's just Show your heart underwear And you're good

But hang on How are you getting The money out of the kids What's the game Someone swindles the kids I'm that guy So is it the thing I swindle children

Of their money But then afterwards they're just kids This is a real goal you could achieve in real life It is possible to swindle kids It'd be mad if I'd already been trying Is it the kind of thing Where it's like the kids need to not have money For the film or the TV show

So you take the money at the start It's just part of their summer adventure But aren't you then putting yourself in the position of bad guy I don't think any of us are good I'm not committing it I mean douche is doing murders and getting nans pregnant but like I'm not doing any crimes

well I guess I'm doing crimes then no no because the thing is that your trope lines up with Jackson's trope so you're just swindling Jackson oh no he is! Damn it! I'm, like, tuning into the radio, and Adam's like,

come on down to my import. Let me scan your brain for a million dollars. And then I get there, and I find out I have to give him a million dollars to scan my brain. The best part is, I know I could get away with that after the trope ends. I know I could do that for Jackson.

Yeah, you can scan my brain. See, he doesn't care. But I feel like if you're putting yourself in the position of bad guy, you're going to get all the tropes that come with that. Like a dog bite or jail. We're only saying one trope here, aren't we? I guess so. I guess so. I guess it can be a downside to the

trope, though. Well, I mean, I guess the downside is that you're still just you. I mean, that was the downside is that you're still just you. I mean, that was kind of the default. No, but like, so you spend all the kids out of their money. Yeah. Yeah. That's still theft. Like, in a trope world,

maybe you just get a dog bite on the bum. Can the downside not be that I only get small amounts of money? Yeah, but also, the kids are gonna go to their parents and be like, this guy said he was gonna scan our brains, took our money. And then but also... Nah, nah. The kids are gonna go to their parents and be like, this guy said he was gonna scan our brains, took our money. And then you go to actual prison. I move towns a lot. You and Dusha, always

moving towns to get away from tropes you decided on. Yep. My Treasure Island one didn't pan out. No, Treasure Island, like, again, it's a numbers game. Eventually you'll get a treasure worth keeping. I'm jumping back onto my original one.

I'm going to jump back onto my original argument of you don't know how maps work. Numbers game. I'm running a numbers scheme here. So you're just hoping that if you find enough maps, one will eventually just be like, What if I sell that map? Dear Adam, I am writing to you to inform you that i have buried treasure on 133 main street it's in the hole with an x marked on it what if i sell the map what what if i sell the map to someone like a museum these treasures are often historical

enough to buy another house, though, to get another map? After I have... I just need that... It all comes down to just that one. I just need that one, and then I can prove that the other maps are real. Also, museums usually don't buy stuff, you donate things to a museum. God damn it. Fucking cheap-ass

museums. Here's what you gotta do, Adam. You find the treasure map, you give it to the kids who are gonna swindle, the kids find the treasure, you swoop in and steal it Problem is I can only take one of those tropes True The other one I just need to do on my own back What if you take the trope that kids find a treasure map Okay and then they solve the treasure

And you just be there Just long for the Yeah and then the other kids are like We found it and you're like but's mine. I'm bigger than you. Punch a kid in the mouth, get the fucking rubies. Actually. That's my fucking life motto. Michael, what's yours?

Because I just had an idea to fix both of yours. We'll let Michael go first in case this is it. Shoot us a deal, Michael. I'd like to have a special guest star as a relative. Oh, that's super good. That's the best. Fuck. Could be anyone and it'd be different every week.

Yeah, exactly right. And then, you know, they don't have to come around for Christmas because they're too expensive and too big of a star to come back every episode. Plus, you know, when they come around, it's going to be a fucking wild time. A pause break. The studio is not going to waste, like, fucking Brad Pitt. Today, Michael Williams joins Plainman the Death Star for today's episode with his special cousin, Lil Wayne.

Lil Wayne! Yeah! All right, so you pointed out the downside. You might get Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne might be my cousin. I think the downside is Surely a lot of Sometimes your family members turn out to be Pedophiles

Yeah that's true Sometimes you look back on a week and you're like It was bad that he was my cousin for that week That's not good Also your family tree would look real strange Are they all cousins? I guess if they're all like second cousins That's how they tend to be in like a TV show

Oh mum's got a new boyfriend and it's Bill Clinton. Mum's got a new boyfriend every week is good. What an eclectic mix of guest stars. Brad Pitt, Lil Wayne, Bill Clinton. Fucking all the classics. And also like, I guess another downside is that they are going to take like you're just kind of along for the ride which i guess is good yeah i'll sit one out

just let them have your like adventure for the day although i guess actually also so okay question is it actual bill clinton or is bill Bill Clinton playing someone else? Is it like for this week, Bill Clinton former president? I didn't suggest Bill Clinton. Come on, Michael. Tell us more about Bill Clinton. Fine. Lil Wayne. For this week, Lil Wayne is actually your cousin?

Or is it like for this week, Lil Wayne is playing somebody named, I don't know, Johnson Smith? Lil Dwayne. Lil Dwayne for the week. He's playing Bill Clinton. Because if it's the actual actor, then that comes with, like, you don't know that person. Plus, what's the cast of your life?

And how do they come in? Everyone's just like, what is the cast of my life? Middle class. Because I'm just thinking of, like, Who is the cast of my life? Middle class. I'm just thinking of like, say Bill Clinton comes into my life. Is it like I wake up in the morning, Bill Clinton's there. He's like, hey, Jackson.

Today we're going to hang out together. I'm your cousin. I'm like, all right, Bill. Like, what's the go here? First of all, I imagine you're calling Billy boy. All right, Billy boy, show me around. All right, I will. That's good.

Why did he come to your house to show you around? I don't know what he's talking about. I don't know Bill Clinton's needs. Billy Boy's wild. You said Jana Wave's fixing Mind and Atoms? Yeah, all right. So Michael has clearly picked the best of the four. Oh, absolutely.

That's the winner. 100%. Writing it down in his little notebook so he can remember the final. I won. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. So both you and Adam sort of got close to this trope that I forgot about until halfway through this episode. So you both want to get rich. Yeah.

And you both want to find treasure or just. You both want to get rich and die trying. Find treasure or just inexplicably inexplicably inexplicably Yeah. That works. Come across money

that you need. Yep. You know what happens in TV shows where they need a lot of money and it's real easy and also for some reason people

Oh, we are idiots. What? Hey, just dig a hole in your backyard and... Oh, you struck oil! You just fined money on the bus or something. Finding money! Yep. God damn.

We did fuck up. No, no, no. No, because it's usually like striking oil. Oil, you're like, oh, my house is... If you're the fucking... God damn, what are they? The Beverly Hillbillies, maybe? What other TV show

involves people striking oil I feel like Lil Elvis remember that episode of bloody Malcolm in the Middle that's not oil

isn't it something else it's probably uranium it's some Elvis Elvis Einstein Elvis Presley element or something like that

isn't this no it's the marble something to do with the marble if anyone has seen Lil Elvis I'm not crazy Lil Elvis Jones I'm not crazy.

Lil Elvis Jones. The Australian cartoon. Yeah. Phenomenal cartoon. It's the name that everyone knows. No, but the downside is finding it.

They aired from like 2002 to like 2006. 2002 to 2003. Potentially our most obscure reference. No, because the problem with finding a lot of money on say the bus

is that eventually I'm going to have to give it back that's fucking every movie but aren't we only taking one part of the trope but the whole trope is you find the money and then eventually give it back it's not just you find the money but for that period you live like a king but what about

what about like when you find what about the movie Blank Check which is a fucking phenomenal film. Does he have to give the money back in the end? Actually, he does. He gets over it, but in, say, Millions, which is a similar premise, the kid does have to give it back. Isn't Millions a Bruce Willis vehicle? I do not think so.

It's a Danny Boyle movie, yeah. It's a British film. It's like real sweet. I don't know what you're thinking of It's Bruce Willis Die Hartnett Another trope that I think I would very much Like to exploit is I was watching Ted 2 Recently against my better judgement

Because it's not great And in that film a child's wish brings a teddy bear To life under specific circumstances Surely I can replicate that and make an army. But then you'd have Ted too. Well, Ted got raised by terrible Bostonites. I'll raise him properly. No, you won't.

I'll get people to raise him properly. How are you going to pay for that? Well, I'd be like, hey, do you want to see him? Are you creating an army? How do you care how they're raised? Adam's got a good point. I like that you just looked at me and then pointed it at him. With a look on your face like, shut the fuck up, Jusha.

I got you. I didn't even argue. I was fine. Well, actually, I should probably care about how they're raised or they'll turn on me. That's always the worry. They'll turn on you. That's going to happen. Just enjoy your

time that's that's the rule a child's wish that's the most exploitable thing there is like wish upon a star done that's a good trope though that's a trope liar liar yeah other things japan japan wishes a fucking robot to live. Not a robot. What do you call them? Wooden robots? Wait, does everyone get this trope? Or just you get the trope?

Just you. Just you. All right. Yeah. Wishing upon a star is a good one. Fuck. There's so many stars. In all of these tropes, we've given it to everyone.

Like, our direct society has been affected. Okay. Yeah, fine. Everyone gets it. So the world is chaos and ruin. Oops. I gave everybody wishes. No, no, no. No, no. Because. So everyone gets it. So the world is chaos and ruin. Oops, I gave everybody wishes. No, no, no, no, no, because.

So here's the thing. In, say, Liar Liar, not everyone seems to know that you can wish anything you want. Otherwise, everyone in that film would be like mermaids and dragon men. Oh, boy, would they? Surely that means I can just get, like, a hundred children in a factory with a hundred cakes. Be like, blow it out, make a wish. And I want you to wish

for diamonds. Right? I mean, can't see why not. In Laia Laia though, it only works for 24 hours. That's fine, I have diamonds for 24 hours to sell stuff. Wait, no, does he ask for only 24 hours? That seems like a weird problem. You know, I think he does. He's like,

I wish my dad would just be able to tell the truth for one day. Yeah, yeah. It's not like for 24 hours. No. Exactly. For one lunar cycle. Well, that's great then. I can be like,

kids, wish for me for diamonds for up. You wish diamonds forever, you idiot. Hi, children. Can you please wish diamonds up for me? You aged like 60 years. Plus, I guess I actually don't need the kids. I could just blow on a candle myself

I was going to say, these kids could be easily turned to wish you explode This is the Ted problem again Oh yeah, you're right, the kids could just be like I hate working in this factory I wish Jackson was dead Got me, kids got me good Yeah, well that's one though

If you fucking control it properly I still think, in hindsight enough of Ed going back and fixing all of the Yeah, well, that's one, though, if you fucking control it properly. I still think, in hindsight, and going back and fixing all of the, flushing out a few of the issues we had, Michael's is still the best. Michael's is the only one that basically has no strings attached. And only has benefits. You got Lil Wayne in your house.

That's all right. Lil Wayne seems like he would not take off his shoes when he came in the door. What show has Lil Wayne been a guest star on? What show has Lil Wayne been a guest star on? What show has Bill Clinton been a guest star on? The Simpsons. The show of life. Oh, yeah, he was on The Simpsons. I'm sure Lil Wayne was on The Simpsons. Lil Wayne's everywhere.

I think Lil Wayne was on Simpsons, but I don't think as a guest star. What, as a permanent actor? No, as a reference. Oh, well. That's kind of the same and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Adam

and I've been Michael so where can we find you oh right yeah sure so I host a couple other podcasts one called Pop Quiz Hotshot which is a movie trivia game show and I host It's a Duck Blur with my wife and we watch every episode of Shot, which is a movie trivia game show, and I host It's a Duck Blur with my wife,

and we watch every episode of Duck Tales. Which is great. I strongly recommend listening to that podcast. You're wearing a shirt about it right now. Always. It's my uniform. It's a good shirt, though. Work smarter, not harder.

Yeah, that's Scrooge's message. Does it say that on the podcast? It wasn't just aspiring. That wasoge's message. Does it say that on the screen? Yeah, it does. It wasn't just aspiring, like, I'm screwed. No, that was just Adam's thoughts. I've been dying to eat chips this whole time. I'm going to do it now that the episode's done. I just ate my soup. Finished it, like, halfway.

That's the best. These happy days are yours, bye. These happy days are yours and mine. Happy days are yours. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.