Plumbing the Death Star - If You Could Give a Super Power to an Animal What Would They Be? (Feat. Matt Stewart)

Episode Date: September 10, 2017

In which our heroes collect a bunch of animals, give them superpowers, and then sit back and watch what happens as we ask if you could give a super power to an animal what would they be with special guest Matt Stewart from Do Go on!Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Already purchased tickets for Melbourne Fringe and want that sweet 25% off? Just email [e-mail] and she’ll sort you out ASAP!Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Yell at me from the audience. I don't care. sanspenseradio.com forward slash live. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, if you could give a superpower to an animal, what would they be? And today we're joined by special guest Matt Stewart from Do Go On. Thanks so much for having me. Was that, sorry, was that where I was meant to talk?

Yeah, yeah. That was perfect. I felt like I was, as soon as I said that, I'm like, I don't know, there's probably some sort of protocol here. No, no. I've cut someone off. They're about to do a catchphrase. Let's get ready to plumbing. That's how I start every episode.

And I've heard the show. I know that's not the case. But still, I panicked. And then I put all those panics out there into words. And now we're still going with this. Well, anyway, once you guys get into a rhythm, I know that I won't be able to get a word in, so I just thought I'd get all my words out now.

That's probably a good move. Giraffes in flight. What? Giraffes in flight. And they're already so high. Now they can get the leaves from even taller trees. I feel like flight is the kind of thing that's eventually just going to develop naturally for the giraffe.

See, if you take survival of the, like, oh, the giraffe's neck got longer so it could eat more leaves, like, what's the end game there? The end game is either... No, wait, I fucked up. Giraffe's invisibility. What? Okay, well, now I don't know what you're talking about.

To surprise the tree? Yeah. And also to hide from predators. I feel like a giraffe... Oh, no, lions attack giraffes, you know, on the occasion. Most things attack giraffes. I know, on the occasion. Ghosts attack giraffes. I don't want to attack a giraffe. I just can't see how invisibility is going to...

Help a giraffe? Because the other giraffes... So invisibility is good for a human, right? Well, it's not great. But invisibility works for us because we've got sneaky things we need to do and we want to hide from other humans. But a giraffe... Other giraffes are just going to be like, where's that giraffe?

You know what I mean? Does it get to choose when it's invisible? No, no. I like to think that it doesn't know. It kind of freaks out a bit and can't see its own neck. It sounds like a weird evolution. It can't see its own neck. Oh, my God, it'd be so high up.

That's normal for it. I was just imagining me all of a sudden not knowing where I was But being as high as a giraffe And it was stressful Well it would be stressful because you couldn't see it's hooves Wait so it's permanently invisible? Because if that's The case then it doesn't

Know what it's hooves look like It's fine if it's permanently invisible I guess a giraffe Actually if you're born invisible, do you understand the concept of growing? Because you can't see... Well, yeah, if you're a giraffe, because you start off so low to the ground.

No, but that's what I mean. Do you know what's happening? You're just like, I keep getting higher up. You kind of feel like you're flying as it is. Exactly. I think it'd be great to be out in the savannah, you look up and there's a tree basically being ate by nothing It is great to imagine being on safari and you're like, we're hunting giraffes

Invisible giraffes It's gonna look for the tree where the leaves are disappearing There it is Big old blunts Imagine we're giving birth, but like, to a visible giraffe Or like getting pl like to a visible giraffe. Or like getting plowed by a visible giraffe. That's gross. Or doing the plowing.

Either way, it's unpleasant. In this universe, plowing means fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In all universes, plowing means fucking. Plowing. Plowing, boning, going for it. Slamming sweet giraffe cheeks Whatever you want

That's what I want I want to slam Sweet giraffe cheeks Five minutes Why? So invisible giraffes If it's kind of like an evolutionary Oh shit I'm going to go invisible

Is that good for predators? I imagine it was like a similar Fantastic Four scenario where it went to space. Someone's like... Reed Richards, you can't take your family, that's fucked. Reed Richards is like lucky I own this zoo. Yeah, so he's got like a

giraffe, a bison, some kind of liger, and they all go to space and get bathed in cosmic rays. And the giraffe comes back and says, well, that's a completely different scenario. That's not in the savannah. That giraffe is in the property of Reed Richards. Mr. Fantastic just has an invisible giraffe now.

And then I think of all the wacky archies that he can get up to. I mean, I guess you'd look like you were flying if you were sitting on its back. I'm realising now I don't have a very clear idea of how tall a giraffe is. Yeah, I'm kind of flitting between a two-storey house and a skyscraper, and I know one of those

is very wrong. Both! Both are wrong! Both are wildly off. Wait, I went to the zoo not that long ago. I saw a giraffe. I reckon two-storey house is about right. Really? I was gonna say look, I think to the zoo not that long ago I saw a giraffe I reckon two-story house is about right Really? I was going to say I think skyscraper is probably wrong

Looking up a picture of a giraffe Do you think it's too low or too high? I think it's too high Think about a mighty tree Again, I feel like The male giraffe is only 5-6 meters tall A two-story house.

Single stories normally about 2.7 as a standard ceiling height. Maybe I just don't know shit about measurements. How high is a two-story house? Are we just going to leave the fact that Matt just had incredible house height knowledge? It was amazing. Very impressive. I was kind of awestruck. So yeah, two-story house.

All right. Fuck, that-story house. All right. Minimum to meet regulations in Australia, minimum is 2.4 meters in a livable space. There you go. I just realized that that blew my mind. Then I was like, you probably have a job that has something to do with that.

Yeah, I run a studio. Oh yeah, Of course. It all makes sense. I guess this is something we should have probably figured out. Is it designed to benefit the giraffe, or are we just like, that would be funny? All right. I think it would benefit the giraffe in twofold.

One, hiding from predators. Wait, no, predators have a good keen sense of smell. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I think hiding from fucking... Hiding from predators that mostly, no. Predators have a good keen sense of smell. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Hiding from predators that mostly rely on eyesight. Two, sneaking leaves off other giraffes. Ah! Is there much competition for leaves?

No. I've seen giraffes fight. Yeah, they're good. But I think that's a mating thing rather than a punching on over a tree. But it would be useful to be invisible because the other dude giraffe does not know what's going on. All of a sudden his mighty neck is getting slammed from the side and he's like, why? What is happening to me? That'd be pretty good.

Pretty useful. I just need to get this out of my brain because it's happened since you said something about a giraffe floating head. I keep just imagining a woodcutter cutting down a tree, but it um a giraffe floating head i can't i keep i'm just imagining a wood cutter like cutting down a tree but it's a giraffe's head like their necks are thick you know there's like um those big industrial like uh construction lines or whatever where it's like the wood cuts it picks up the log puts it on like a conveyor belt it gets turned into like planks and made into a house that but a giraffe just getting into the mix. So instead of grabbing a log, it just grabs the giraffe's neck. Oh no, giraffe got in the machine. We're going to make a giraffe house accidentally.

Yeah, because I wasn't thinking like blood and stuff. I'm just imagining like wood, but it looks like a giraffe. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, this is my choice. So how do we feel about Invisible Giraffe? Good things or bad things? We should probably do our very, very, very famous I was thinking we should give it school grades

A to F Yeah, our famous school grading system I was agreeing with you Yeah And the criteria, I guess, is How good How useful would it be In the wild And the criteria, I guess, is how good. How useful would it be in the wild? And then how useful it would be to fight crime.

Yeah, how useful in the wild and how useful on the street. Those are the categories. In the wild, not useful. Oh, come on. Sneaking up, getting up the leaves. Giraffes don't need to be invisible. Giraffes don't need to be invisible. Giraffes don't need to be invisible. Some might like to be.

A D+. What if it's like just a self-conscious giraffe that just doesn't want to be seen by the world? Well, then it can't learn to overcome that and grow from its insecurities like every teen film. Instead, it just stays invisible forever. Like, imagine The Incredibles if Violet just turned invisible because she was embarrassed and then just never turned visible again.

They were like, that's a great lesson. Yep, stay gone. Violet, super good move. So I was going to give you a C but now I'm going to drop that down to a D because of your argument. Look, I yeah, I like it.

I like it a lot. I think I'm going to say B+. Ah, what, does that bring it up to a C+,? No, two Ds and a B+, does not equal a C+. C-. C, I think it would just be a flat C. Flat C. Flat C. All right, and now in the street.

Super good. Imagine you're a criminal and you're like, aha, I made away with the loot. Then you hear, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. You're like, is that a horse? And all of a sudden, you're in the sky being picked up by an invisible giraffe. How swift is a giraffe, though? Swift as fuck.

Their hooves are built for concrete. No doubt about that. The giraffe is nature's swiftest animal. You've only given the giraffe invisibility, though. It doesn't have any sense of what's right and wrong. Oh, that's right.

Poor moral compass. It's going to rob a bank. You're just going to see a whole bunch of big bags with dollar signs on it running down the street. But high. But high up. It could get over cars, would like. Right in the middle of the road. You've created a supervillain.

Easy to shoot. Not that easy to shoot. It's invisible. If middle of the road, hard to catch. You've created a supervillain. Easy to shoot. Not that easy to shoot. It's invisible. If it's holding something, easy to shoot. Easy to shoot, because there's a lot of it. Yeah, it's hard to teach a giraffe what's crime. They do say that New York is a concrete jungle. That's true.

And giraffes live in the savannah, so that doesn't help it. No, not at all. What's a concrete savannah? A car park. I grew up thinking, yeah, I think I only just realised then that jungles and savannahs... Savannah? Savannah?

Savannah. Are not the same. Jungle, king of the jungle. Not the king of the savannah. It's the lion, right? And then it's like, oh, no, but the jungle, that's a different thing. Surely the king of the jungle is a tiger. Yeah.

I don't think that. I think I learned it from, you know, the Wizard of Oz where bears and tigers and lions all live together in the jungle. Yeah, yeah. I want to say like a lion would kind of eat shit in a jungle. Yeah. Oh, aren't there jungle lions? That's a tiger, Jack. No, they're jungle lions.

A puma? No, I know. Think of the jungle book. You think jaguars? You're thinking of jaguars. You can have a bigger cat that's not a lion. How many lion kinds are there? I think there's maybe just one.

Well, mountain lions, there's at least two. Yeah, but are they mountain lions? An actual lion. Oh, shit. I don't know. They've all gotta be somewhat related right they're all cats

mates they're all mates um in the streets I feel like I wanna give that an A can we add a third uh

third ranking of course in the sheets in the sheets oh I think whenever you rank someone in the streets you gotta then

rank it in the sheets uh well in the sheets Matt Stewart I guess not knowing that fucking animals is the streets, you've got to then rank it in the sheets. Well, in the sheets... Matt Stewart, I guess, not knowing that fucking animals is just a thing that just seems to come up and blow it up anyway. Wait, are we making love to the giraffe, or is the giraffe making love to other giraffes? Oh, well, that's up to the giraffe.

I'd say either way, F. Hard to find. An invisible giraffe is a shock. And hard to find An invisible giraffe is a shock And hard to find I'm like where is this giraffe I'm about to make Ah There it is It made love to me I thought I was going to make love to it

But it made love to me Yeah no I agree that's an F That's an F from me On the streets though again I think We're talking like A, A minus Yeah I think it's going to be... I'm picturing it. It's just going to be like someone on ice.

It'll just be slipping and sliding. There'll be no grip, but it's just going to be... Cars are going to be crushed and people aren't going to understand why. Running away from an invisible attacker as cars swerve off from it You're like, what is going to get me? I think it's going to die Almost instantly it would be dead Some car's not going to see it, clearly

And then just take one of its legs And you've seen a giraffe's legs They're long and brittle It's a fragile beast It probably won't die instantly It'll just be an invisible, slow death It's just fragile beast It probably won't die instantly It'll just be an invisible slow death It's just on the ground It's not really a hero or a villain

It's just a problem And then you're going to have an invisible carcass Rotting away Fuck this city stinks And some visible vultures Just picking it I like paramedics just like touching the ground Being like where the fuck is it Why like paramedics just like touching the ground being like, where the fuck is it?

Why are paramedics resuscitating a giraffe? They don't know what it is. A dead thing. Something's died. Imagine the moment the paramedics find it and they're like, it's a giraffe! There's a dead invisible giraffe

in the street. So A- I'm giving it. I'm going to go with a D. Yeah, I think... I mean, if you guys are agreeing that it would instantly die... I think that's fair. And then you're ranking it as a... An A minus. A minus, okay.

I think it would get in some... It would solve some crimes really well before it died. Okay, yeah. That's my reasoning. I'm going to have to say, obviously, a B+. What does that bring your average up to? Oh, an F, a C, and like a B. So that's pretty good.

Let's call that an overall C. Overall flat C. I think it would be a D+. Overall flat C. Rat with stretchy powers like mr fantastic he was also in the same shape but also not clearly part of the thing because he's a rat maybe he just got onto the ship i don't know because this is literally the only reason but it's very entertaining for me imagine one rat but it's gone in you know rats live in the walls but imagine

it's completely in the walls of your whole house is just like wow if you took away the wood or whatever there's just a rat in the shape of your house would they keep they'd keep the the warmth in yeah winter rats good insulation good insulation absolutely hard to like drill a hole to put a painting up because blood just starts coming out. And also any wires are fucked. They're in the rat now. Jackson, you knew the three criteria before you pitched this. I did.

How does a rat that stretches around your entire house fit into how it does in the wild, how it does in the streets, into how it does in the wild, how it does in the streets, and how it does in the sheets? Well, in the wild, like, the wild for a rat is your house. Basically, that's a king rat right there, because you can just consume other rats

by, like, enveloping them. Imagine you're like a rat living amongst the rat house, but you're like a rat that the rat wants to get, and you just see this head moving along the body. Like, a rat head comes up, and you just see this head moving along the body. Like a rat head comes up, eats you.

You can't get away. Exactly. And then you get consumed by the rat mass. It can make, basically it can be a rat king all in and of itself. Exactly. Just stretch itself out to a giant mass. Like, what does a rat want? It wants to bone and eat, and like a rat that big and that flat could bone and eat like

a king. Because, like, rats can get in through, like, tiny, tiny crevices. Yeah. Now imagine one can get even flatter. And, you know, like... And stretchier. The rat problem in a house is like, oh, no, the rats are getting at my food. I've got to, like, block up the cupboard or whatever. If this rat is a rat mouse, wow.

He can get whatever food he wants. Yeah. However... Now, as you said, rats like to eat food and make sweet love. Is this going to be passed on to other rats? Because if so, it's a very giant problem. I like to think so, but I also really like to imagine him making a nest

with a lot of other rats. Then you get an exterminator and that rat with like a big like all the rats in him escaping. You know what I mean? Like he's a rat nest in unto himself. So he stretches around. It makes like a ball. Yeah.

And he collects the rats. They're like, there goes all the rats. And it's in his back. This is horrific to think about. Really not good. A stretchy rat is like the worst thing. Imagine seeing a rat stretch its way through your house

and then you try and get it and it just... Imagine getting mousetrapped. He just like squeezes out. Imagine you have a little bit of morsel and food on a top shelf and he can't reach it, but there he goes. Imagining a long rat is very upsetting. A really long rat. Just stretching his neck out.

Plus, in the streets... Do rats have necks? Yeah, everything's got necks. Except snakes. No, a snake is all neck. And in the streets... I guess he can get into drains and shit. That's good.

He can stop crime. People are driving... Or commit a lot of crime, because he could get into bed bolts shit. That's good. He can stop crime. People are driving a lot of crime because he could get into bed bolts. Again, didn't give it a moral compass. It's going to rob a bank. Is that a power? You have to give them. What animal does, apart from the noble eagle, has a moral compass? Can I just be like, elk, but with a moral compass.

That's the power I give it. It's just an elk that knows right and wrong. Well, I'd be like, well, that's probably... No, that's going to do badly in the wild, because it knows right and wrong, so it's probably not just going to kill or maim. An elk? Do they do a lot of killing

and maiming? Renowned for killing and maiming. The carnivorous elk, as we like to call them. Stabbing like a... I don't know. Like stabbing a fox and devouring it all. And then being like, wait, maybe this is wrong. It is on several levels. I like to imagine someone's watching this, and that happens,

and then it just starts saying what you said out loud. Like, holy shit, that elk can talk, and it's having an existential crisis. We've caught it at an interesting time for it to gain sentience. In many ways we're lucky to witness this. So maybe we have to give them all

a moral compass as a default. Or they're going to rob a bank. Or they're going to be just like a bank robber. Although weirdly for a rat I automatically assume cunt. Yeah I was going to say how about we can choose hero or villain. I say villain. Of course you would. Because a rat can just automatically just assume cunt. Yeah, I was going to say, how about we can choose hero or villain? I say villain. Of course you would. Because a rat can just like pull, especially a stretchy rat,

pull his way into a bank vault. A rat doesn't need money. No, no. A rat needs cheese. A rat needs cheese. Pull his way into some kind of cheesery. Cheese factory. Yeah. Collect all the cheese, make off with his family in his back. How upset would the... Nope, that's a dumb joke.

I'm not even going to go down there. Oh, yeah, I think you have to now, right? I don't think I've ever reported a comment like that ever. Go on. How upset would that rat be if it broke into the cheesecake factory and was like, oh, whoops, I didn't read the sign properly because I'm a rat and I can't read. Also, he would love it.

It's a rat. Oh, shit, this is a cheesecake factory. Fuck, I love cheesecake. This is great great you know what would be kind of good if you could give that rat a job my rat with stretchy powers yeah where's a place where there's a lot of corpses that need to be got rid of quick um a battlefield i'm just imagining this rat the its... The remnants of a drone strike. I don't know, Jack. Help me out. The Black Plague in like the 17th century.

Wait. We just don't have many situations where we get a lot of... What about animal corpses? Do we need to get rid of a bunch of them anywhere? A Melbourne cup? Yeah. Yeah. Political.

An abattoir? You have to wrap them in. What basically what I'm just imagining... What about, hang on, abattoir What do you want from me? What about hang on Abattoir but like all the awful The skin and the shit you don't want Well yeah that's what I'm imagining The rat can go and collect that into its rat mass And then take it to wherever the rat lives

We give him a house or whatever And he just lives there and feeds all of the awful To his people in him Rat mass I can't help but think of a rat church and he just lives there and feeds all of the awful to his people in him. Rat mass. I can't help but think of a rat church. Maybe he'll hold rat mass inside his rat mass. This is God and we live in him.

I think if you're a rat and there's a rat that can stretch, you're like, yep, that's God. I'll call that. That's God. He's inviting us in? All right. Yep. It's God. It's safe inside God Occasionally God will slide

A bit of awful through his In him And he feeds us and protects us I was just a rat Oh you didn't give me a rating as well Give me a schoolyard rating In the wild Straight up an A rating for in the wild. In the wild, an A.

Yeah. Straight up an A. That's in the house, Ron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the wild for a rat. Because it's got to be an A. Yeah, A. Because you've given a rat powers that definitely benefits a rat.

Yes. What about in the streets? In the streets, again, I think it's an A. It's a straight A. This is a pretty good rat. This invisible giraffe sounds so shit now. Compared to the rat mouse with a rat mass inside it. Imagine that.

You're like, oh, no, it's rat mass. And then you're like, bleh, a tiny church of mice. Rats. Mice and rats are different. Yeah. But like, you know, I feel like the mice would bow down to this. All rodents are welcome. People of all rodents are welcome to rat mass within rat mass.

Have hams in there, a gerbil. Whatever, if you're a rodent, but not a capybara, you're too big. Well, I guess not. Nothing's too big or small for rat mass. It's rat mass. I'm not rat mass. I think that was, yeah, a little bit of truth just came out. It's like you don't want to give a rat stretchy powers.

You want to be a rat with stretchy powers. I just like the idea that I have secretly all this time been a rat with stretchy powers, making myself look human. I shave myself every day. You did a bad job. You missed a bit. I've got to keep some beard. And in the sheets, if you're fucking that rat,

well, that rat's fucking you or other rats. Oh, man, if that rat's fucking you Or other rats Oh man if that rat's fucking other rats This is a conversation I'm more comfortable with That's God that feeds you Protects you and bones you I wish the real Christian God did that The real Christian God You know the one God that everyone should believe in

The one I believe in. I wish I could get down on my knees and be like, I love you, God. I've got so much faith. And he's like, sick, Jackson. I'm going to slam them cheeks now. And I'm like, that's why you're the God I believe in, God. Because I can physically make love to you.

As you feed me off. Exactly. So in the sheets, an A? I think if there was a God in that situation that, I mean, like that did these things, I would still choose not to believe in it, hoping that it would leave me alone. No, can't fuck me today, god, I don't believe in you. You're missing out on one hell of a transcendental experience.

I don't want to eat your fucking awful. Anyway, A's across the board. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Find a floor in it, do you? Yeah, I can't. It's just deeply upsetting is probably the floor. Fair. I'm going to go for the most wholesome answer.

Dogs and flight. That is, you're right. That's the most wholesome one. Have you ever, so Melody, our office dog, this doesn't work with because she's a muscly girl. So heavy. But at my parents' house, we have a small dog. And when she jumps, if you grab her and lift her on the same trajectory, you have to grab her midair, which is hard,

and lift her in the same trajectory that she jumps, she briefly thinks she's flying. And you can see the wonder in her face. And that's good. And I think we should just give dogs the ability of flight for that reason. Just because they would be fucking jazzed about the whole thing. So fucking jazzed. Also, like, dogs being able to reach things that dogs can't usually reach

would benefit dogs. Imagine, though, like, you know, like, those little yappy cubs. One of them just being like, ah! But flying around the house, knocking faces off. That would be an nightmare. Dogs are territorial. Some dogs are. So if you're walking out and they come across a fence with this yappy dog,

you're like, whatever, the fence has it. And then it just starts levitating and then it starts chasing you. I was going to say, the saviour of many a postman has been the fence and you've negated that. Well, luckily, this is one dog that can fly and not all dogs. Ah, that's true. You just have your fence would have to go across the top as well now. It's a cage.

A cage is a dog. It's not a cage. You're doing those cat cages, you know? I really like the idea of being like, yeah, I've given this dog flight, but I don't want it to go anywhere. So I've built a cage. Yeah, you said territorial, and the other thing that that means is they piss on things

So now you've got a flying dog that's pissing down Flying yappy pissy dog This is what you've created It's raining down Well the worst is also dogs just shit And like bird shit And that's already a hassle Yeah but a bird shit is so tiny

That's what I mean To be fair you can train a dog. So if the dog already knows where to shit and you make it fly, it'll just land shit and keep going. Or just hover above a field. Dogs do solid shit though, right? Yeah. So just bounce off it.

I think that'd be fine. Bird shit gets right in your clothes. Yeah, it does. It gets in between the fibers. Dog shit's like a boop and it's on the ground. And then you get a scrub yourself. And you're sweet. But yeah, like, bird shit.

Bird shit is a very big hassle that people don't talk enough about. Getting shit on by a bird wrecks your day. It does. It does. You're just like, I'm never going to be whole again. You're like, I want to go home and shower. Yeah. And same in Australia.

We have bats as well. And getting shat on by a bat, just as bad, I find. I've never had that happen to me. That's going to be a real specific scenario. Well, speaking of real specific scenarios, here's a very personal anecdote that I've never shared on a microphone that involves bats. Go on.

So I've been shat on by a bat. It hit my dick. Were you naked at the time? Were you naked in a cave? Were you going spelunking and you figured you should rub one out? What happened? How does that situation occur? Do you take your cock out in a bat fucking enclosure at the zoo?

Did you go walking down like Fern Tree Gully and being like, fuck pants, not for me. Did your bat think that your penis was a branch and hung upside down and shat up? Was it any of these situations? That last one really, I reckon, was it the last one? I'm very confused. Were you just like, oi, bat, and you started wagging? The bat's like, a worm! But I also need to shit.

So I'm gonna shit on this worm. Is that what went down? Were you trying to insult the bat? All of these answers are much better than the truth. You would have been, botanical gardens is one of the key bat hangouts. It was in an alley. Are you sure it was a bat? 100%. I saw it.

Did you pay the bat? Was this a kind of bat sex worker type operation? Was this pre-organized meeting with a bat? Completely incidental. Male looking for one bat for penis shitting adventures in this alley. Were you going dogging with a bat? Bat dogging.

Batting. I think I can put some stuff together with context clues. You were pissing in an alley and then it shat on your dick. Yeah, like, and I was just like, well, I was holding my dick because I was pissing in an alley, yes. And, yeah, I heard, like, a noise and I was like, I think I was drinking, which is why i was pissing in an alley not at the same time but i had been drinking because public urination is a crime guys and you'll have none of that yeah i hate crimes as much as i hate cops yeah you hate crimes Oh, no. So cock in hand. That's the verb of committing hate crime.

You hate crime. So you were in an alleyway, cock in hand, committing a hate crime. Yeah. And the noble bat was like, none of that, and shat on you. That's it. All right. And that's probably the origin story of Batman as well. He was like, I've got to stop this hate crime.

Well, what's the consistency of bat shit? It was kind of solid. It was unpleasant. Kind of solid, but wet. It's valuable, Guano. We collected it. Sold it. The only thing that was like... Do you think that should give you a superpower? It's similar to being bitten by

a spider like you were talking about last week. Getting shat on by a bat on your dick. Like, does that give your dick some sort of bat powers? Abilities? Sonar? Your penis just sprouts sonar now? It screeches and it's upsetting. You're like, I know where everything is, but I did already.

Sonar is such a useless power if you can already see. Especially if it's out of your penis yours you're just seeing jeans anyway flying dogs yes flying dog sorry that you've kept in a cage i didn't give it i'd clip its wings i don't want to get in the way we got a fence to keep a dog in It has wings Oh yeah I assume Just like a superman Yeah like a superman

Wait have you given it a cape No Can you clip the wings Of something without wings How do you stop superman flying Clip his legs Clip his arm I'm sad superman doesn't flap What does a dog want How do you stop Superman flying? Clip his legs. Clip his arm. Those legs, his triceps.

I'm sad Superman doesn't flap. What does a dog want in life? You know. Alright, so walks. So it can clearly walk itself. Yeah. But if it wants walks, you've sort of taken that away from it. That's also true.

He's no longer walking, douche. It's flying. No, but it can still walk. Superman doesn't fly everywhere He can still walk I suppose I just assume Superman just hovered everywhere Why does he use his legs?

Because he wants to stay as a clock If I could fly, I would still walk places I wouldn't I don't know if I would I'd hover everywhere I know you wouldn't You'd just be real fat and float always But I'd just at least speed walk

Because he can move real quick Yeah That's true You'd walk normal pace No if I could No not if I was Superman If I could fly So I'm assuming

Flight doesn't make me A faster walker Well I don't know Cause like If you're hovering Like an inch above the ground And just shooting across You've got no friction

Yeah but like No friction You get places quicker Nah but he'd look like You know like an old Like fucking Morrowind or whatever Or Oblivion When you walk But it's like You're sliding Sonic That happens in Sonic He'd get places quicker. No, but he'd look like, you know, like an old, like, fucking Morrowind or whatever,

or Oblivion when you walk, but it's like you're sliding as you... Sonic! That happens in Sonic. Yeah, you're Sonic walking. Oh, I wouldn't assume you'd be moving your legs. Oh, well, then everyone's just like, what are you, Dracula? Yeah. No, what I was gonna say is that a dog that... So dogs are excitable and easily... Look, I love dogs, but they're stupid.

If you made a dog fly, that dog doesn't know what's happening. Unlike the fucking stretchy rat and the fucking- No, you gotta think about the mentality of a rat v the mentality of a dog v, because it's a court battle. A rat is like, excellent, bonus, more food. A dog is like- Rats are just small dogs.

Small, greasy, gross dogs. In Jack's defense, you yourself was like, when you pick your dog, Sasha, up, mid-flight, Tasha, not Sasha, mid-jump, as it were, it didn't realize that it wasn't flying, thought it

was, and got excited. Dogs are stupid. Just for a brief moment. Like, if I thought I was and got excited. Just for a moment, though. Dogs are stupid. Just for a brief moment. Like, if I thought I was flying briefly. If I jumped and a very big man grabbed me so I didn't fall, I wouldn't be like, I'm flying. I might for a bit. Is this flying? Oh, no, it's just a very big man.

The joy that your dog's feeling in that moment is because it can't fly. If it could, you know, that would wear off pretty quickly. All of a sudden, that's just another thing it has to do. Yeah. If a dog could fly, it's probably not going to get hit by cars. Save some dogs' lives. Yeah, but if a dog could fly, get hit by a plane. That's a more impressive...

What the fuck? What was that? Like when birds go in a plane propellers Into engines and they go down Dogs would be worse They're big Also speaking of birds One of Maladie's favourite pastime is sometimes chasing a bird And how much happier would she be

If she could chase birds in their natural habitat Like me getting her back That's a gone dog Maladie get down I have this really great image of like a pest control person a medic or like a paramedic and like a person who

cleans aeroplanes or meeting and being like what a fucking week the plane was down while searching we've had a dog torn up in the engine someone's like I cleaned one big stretchy rat out of our house it left with all the other rats in it and a bunch of paramedics being like you would not believe what we found

on the streets of new york i don't know what's happening i also really like to imagine you know that there's i don't know if you've seen it there's this gif of a person driving a bus and they hit a deer and the deer rolls up the bonnet smashes through the window he's in the cockpit of the bus or the through the window, is in the cockpit of the bus or whatever The cockpit of the bus Cockpit of the bus I like to imagine that if you're flying a plane and a dog

rolls through the cabin down the aisle, out the back That's destroying the plane, you understand how air pressure works, right? You just for that brief second before you crash would be like, was that a dog? And that would be you done. That's a black box I'd love to listen to. It would take away the stress of death. I guess you'd be confused. You wouldn't have time to be like, oh god, I'm dying. You'd just be like, did I

actually just see a... So, in the wild, like a bee? a bee yeah no because it's yes for me on the wild because no melody's wild is not your house she lives here are you saying a dog's wild is not suburbia no no okay where's a dog's wild for you a dog's wild for me is like yeah sure like a house but like just because she can escape, that doesn't give it a lower score is what I'm saying. Because like. Yeah, fair.

It's not about if it's a good pet. It's about how well it has. What kind of dog is this? Because if it's a dingo, then it's wild is obviously the wild. Yeah. If it's a poodle, it's wild is a fancy ball. Yeah, it's like a piran or something. And if it's like a chihuahua a fancy ball It's like a piran or something And if it's like a chihuahua

Wild is like a handbag I didn't think about what dog I was just imagining A basic dog You're imagining Tasha, right? She's a Jack Russell cross Maltese That's a nightmare It's a yappy dog

She's not that yappy She's a nightmare scenario. That's a yappy dog. Get down! She's not that yappy. She's a bit yappy. I'm picking Maladie now. Yeah, alright. She's a staffy. Staffy boxer. That's a crime-fighting flying dog. That's a crime-fighting. I'm gonna give you a

Maladie villain or a hero. Yeah. She has a moral compass. Built in. She has a moral compass. Built in. She's pretty good. Do you think she'd choose villainy or heroism? Heroism. She's a bad guard dog because she thinks everyone's a friend.

So I'm guessing she's like an optimistic hero. She befriends bank robbers. All right. I like that a lot. A dog can just do that with a moral compass. It doesn't need the flight. I think this is easily my favourite so far. Rat mass! I love rat mass, but I'm also shit scared of rat mass.

Rightfully so. I do like a flying dog, but I don't know how well flight is adding to the... Here's what I think, Dusha, my good friend, is that I imagine some tough dudes robbing a bank, you know, they got their guns, whatever, and then they hear like, oh my god, it's a dog, it's flying. Then they shoot it.

They're like, it's dead. Shall we keep robbing the bank? Yes. Or just like, imagine it's a scenario one. The giraffe got a fucking bee and got hit by a car and died. That's because a giraffe is unstoppable. It has died in our hypothetical situation. You don't know where the giraffe is until it slammed its meaty neck into your spine.

And then you're like, oh, there it is. A flying dog is very visible. All you got to do is blap, blap, blap, blap, blap, dead dog. You think it's easy to shoot a flying dog? Well, good luck. Good luck to you. Imagine if clay shooting was flying dogs. Think of the hassle of clay shooting.

Pull. The clay pigeon goes. Then you get a flying dog chasing that clay pigeon. Then you shake it and they shoot it. The clay pigeon will just fly on an arch, you know, whereas the dog, that's moving mid-air, up, down, the other ways,

side to side. So you have a couple of street toughs, a robin, a bank. You have one scenario where just a random dog just comes up and starts arfing and they're like, what a cute dog, and they pat it. Or a random dog flies up, starts arfing, they're like what a cute dog, and they pat it. Or a random dog flies up, starts arfing.

They're like, what a cute dog that can fly, and they start patting it. I just don't see how a flying is benefiting. So they're patting the dog now and not robbing the bank. Yeah, stop the crime. Yeah, but you could do that with a dog anyway. Yeah, but this dog also, worst case scenario, the dog has a lead in this situation now.

You mean like it's got a lead in the case? It's got a lead in the case. No, so it's just attached to the, like it's wearing a collar. It's got a lead attached to it, which imagine just flapping behind it like a cape. No one's holding onto it. It lands. The bank robber's like giving a pat and they're like,

oh, this must be a lost dog. They pick up the lead. Dog flies off. Bank robber inber's like giving it a pat and they're like, oh, this must be a lost dog. They pick up the lead. Dog flies off. Bank robber in the sky. Is it a strong dog? Is it a lead that you can't let go of? Well, do you want to let go once you're in the air? Yeah, that's the thing. Well, how quickly is this dog flying?

You're dying or you're flying to the cop shop. Your choice. What do you want to do? Well, I just imagine the dog. I'm like, oh, there's a lead. And I just hook it around a pole. So, again, if I pick up the dog, how quick is the dog? Oh, super quick.

You know, it's Superman flying style. Then I'm losing an arm. Gotcha. That's very good if nobody noticed. Good luck arm robbery. Good luck arm robbery Good luck arm robbery Thanks for allowing that to Make sense to you

Good luck arm robbery You stop an armed robbery With an arm robbery You do need a new one Alright so I'm going to say B minus in the wild I reckon C in the wild. Yep.

I reckon C in the wild. All right. Where is it wild again? In the suburbia. In the suburbia. I think it's got to be, yeah, it's got to be a B plus. Yeah. Have I given that for everything?

I hope so. Matt Indecisive Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. In the streets. I'm giving it an A plus I'm giving it a D minus I'm giving it a D in the streets it's just taking your arm off I can still rob the bank you've got no arm

I'm a gang of street youths plural yeah it's got one of my dickhead's arms we're still a gang I'd again like to point out that a giraffe that stopped crime simply by dying in the street got like a fucking C. It's because I imagined it chasing someone down an alleyway and they're like, who is, what's happening?

And bam, in their spine. And then they shoot it. No, but you were imagining it getting hit by a car. Well, yeah, afterwards. Which is also good. We said it lasted a bit, and that's what it did in that bit. In the sheets, there's a dog. The fact that it can fly changes nothing.

I don't know. It could pick up another dog and fuck it in the sky. Yeah, it could pick up another fucker in the air. That's nasty because of the knot. That's just a hanging lady dog in the sky by her jive. That's an F because it's gross. No. Well, we didn't say the flying dog was necessarily the male.

Yeah, that's true. Could be the flying female dog. I don't see how that makes a difference. Then she's pulling a male dog by his dick. No, she's upside down. Or he's upside down. Or she's resting on him. I suppose.

I guess dogs would do it doggy style. Dogs don't do it face to face. So the flying dog is underneath and then the other dog's on top, just holding on for dear life. That's fun. And that adds a little element of danger. Jackson, you like sex, yeah? Yeah. Imagine sex in the sky. That's fun. And that adds a little element of danger. Jackson, you like sex, yeah? Imagine sex in the sky. It's scary.

Yeah, but fun. I would go flaccid out of fear. I'd be like, put me down. Put me down, it's not happening. I would be very afraid. I really like the idea of giving like in the skyscraper, you're giving an important meeting and you're like, and this, and then just by the window, two dogs fucking fly and you're like, and this, and then just by the window, two dogs fucking fly.

And you're like, I'm sorry. We can't cower. You'll picture them riding up in the sky. I'm thinking like, you know, just hovering above the bed. I figured like. Are they in my house? Am I coming into my bedroom and being like, oi, oi, no, no, no. Got to chase them around with a broom as they

fight through all of the rooms. Not on the bed, you fucks! I mean, I know you're not on the bed, but there's drippage, so I'm not happy at all. Although good for like, if, you know, the neighbor's dog is in heat, or you are in heat, and like, the dog is in heat,

and it flies across. Yeah, that's true. That's good for the dog. The dogs are getting their underway. Bad for like the dog owner who didn't want that. The dog's fucking is good for the dogs but bad for the people I think is the takeaway here. But we're talking about, we're only grading this on the dog. Yeah, that's true. So I'll go

A+. Yeah, fair. Bringing you out to an average of B, let's say. Fuck yeah. I like that I said this is the most wholesome answer and then we focused mostly on me getting shit on by a bat and a dog fucking in the sky. Yep.

Wholesome. B. Matt. Well, I think I'm just going to go with my very first instinct. Yeah. I've had so much time to change my mind, but I'm not going to. I've learned a lot as well. But I'm not putting any of that knowledge into effect.

The first thing I thought of, North American bison and super big brain. Like Professor X. Psychic or just genius? Genius with the I'm giving him the full Professor X. So telepathy? telekinesis?

I think Xavier had that. A connection to all other mutant animals. Of which, in this universe, probably none. The ability to run a school, not great. No, because I guess in this universe, all of our animals exist at the same time, so the bison might have been the one that made the giraffe run into traffic.

In the middle of downtown. Yeah, hero or villain? I was thinking hero, but if he's like, why is he killing the giraffe? Or he could just be like, invisible giraffe, I know a school for you. Well, listen, a zoo for you. I have run a school for gifted animals. A zoo for gifted animals. That would be a fucked zoo.

I don't think I'd go to that zoo. I wouldn't go to a zoo run by a place I'd be like you're on the wrong side of the fence Motherfucker See this is X-Men all over again You guys don't understand And that's why you get afraid And that's why you try and

I fear the mutant animals It's true They seem wrong to me They fuck in the sky Such a prude That's what i've learned about you today all right so in the what so the yeah in the wild wild what is it i mean a bison just wants to eat grass and stampede yeah oh it could easily get a stampede happen if they wanted to stampede that's true and the stampede can educate other bison. Yeah. Yeah. And they're already herd animals.

Yeah. Oh, no. If you give one bison these powers and it can educate other bison, you've got to plan out the ape situation. This is like... Planet of the Bison. Or, because of Xavier powers, he could just control the herd. He is the herd.

Oh, no. Herd mind. Yeah, that's good. Oh, herd mind is a good name for him. He's a villain now, surely, if his name'sdmind. Yeah, that's good. Oh, Herdmind is a good name for him. He's a villain now, surely, if his name's Herdmind. Yeah, see, I imagine him as sort of an anti-hero. The Punisher and Herdmind. Yeah, like just stomping on wayward lions that are taking their young.

A bison, what's the enemy of a bison? What eats him? Yeah, so they're North America. What is there? Probably mountain lions and bears. Poachers. Yeah. Poachers.

I think, yeah. I imagine they probably don't have a lot of... Natural predators. Just man. The ones I saw, I was in Yellowstone. Yeah, I always get confused between it and Jellystone. Yellowstone. Jellystone's where Yogi Bear calls his shenanigans.

The other town's where Yogi Bear calls his shenanigans. And that day I saw bison, bears, moose. No, I didn't see moose, but there were moose there. And big deer things and also a big natural spring. Oh, that's good. So I don't know. I don't think the spring is the natural enemy. No, it's probably not the spring.

Not the spring that goes off at the same time every day. You'd think the bison would know how to avoid it at this point. But bear probably. Yeah, I guess so. Can a bear run as fast as a bison? I can't imagine. Bears are super quick, I believe. Yeah, they're zippy. They're speedy.

Everyone just thinks of like Baloo. Because they were saying to us on the day, I think we had to stay at least 100 metres away because if you get within a certain distance, they just close. Real good closing speed. To put it into, like, sports. Sports talk.

Strong finishes. Yeah. All right. I'm searching the Wikipedia here. They got a few predators. Yeah. Grey wolf, human. Wolves.

Brown bear and coyotes. Oh,, brown bear, and coyotes. Oh, it's brown bear, coyotes. Yeah, right. Quarter bison learn to operate a gun. Oh, it's pretty hard. The cows with guns scenario. That's what I'm imagining. He's like, I'm clever.

Wait, he's got telekinesis. They can just be like, levitate several guns around them as they protect their herd. That's just so good. It doesn't really help them get food, which is what the others have done. Well, they can shoot the animals and just go eat it, right? What if some arsehole deer is healing your grass? Shoot grass. Bang, bang, bang.

But, like, it helps to protect. So what did Ratmask? You know, he didn't help Ratmask get food, really. Yeah, it did. He stretches, he can high up food. Well, yeah, whatever, the bloody herd mind can just manipulate. But also he's smart and shit, so he knows where the good food is. He knows where the good food is.

Are we arguing the same point? Yes, yes. All right. I'm so jealous. I'm saying he's good at finding food. Yes, yes. All right. I'm pretty jealous of all the other continents having cooler animals than us.

Yeah, it's true. We don't have any cool big animals. We've got no big ungulate. Yeah. We just got bloody rubbish kangaroos. Yeah, shitty roos. I'm a wombat fan. They are good.

I mean, they're great for what they are, but they're no bear or moose. Did you know that there are other echidnas that we don't have, but they're no bear or moose. Some are huge. I want a huge thing. Did you know that there are other echidnas that we don't have, but that exist in Papua New Guinea? I didn't know that. Yeah, it's got like a real long nose. We've got short, shitty nose echidnas, but Papua New Guinea are long. Well, I'm happy to rubbish

Australian wildlife. Platypus, though, that's the most fucked animal. No doubt, that is a sick animal. I can't believe I didn't think of platypus. Imagine a super smart platypus. Well, a bison at least is... He's already got a superpower. He's got a poison bob.

He does. That's a basically super intelligent assassin. That's what that is. Real smooth swimmer too. Swim up your toilet. And a smooth player. Stab you in the balls. Have you guys ever seen the children's cartoon Phineas and Ferb?

Yes. I know of it. There's a platypus in it who's like a spy. He's a pet platypus that turns into a spy. Perfect job for a platypus. I mean assassin. But like a spy too. And it's meant to be the most painful sting in the world. Really?

I had no idea they had a will not cuddle them anymore. It's a mammalian poison basically in which we just don't have any other thing that does that. So there's no painkillers that'll stop it, basically. Really? And it's like people are like, well, shit, have a shit one, we guess.

It's really high on the, what's the pain index? The Scoville? Or is that spice? That's spice. Damn. It's also high on the Scoville. It's very spicy. That's some spicy poison

Fuck, they're gonna be like I'm a great survivalist You're like, you know, platypus People think it's about the meat No, no, no, no, no The real nutrient comes from the poison Suck it out of his foot That's some spicy poison

And now I'm dying Alright, so in the wild In the wild, what do we think For a super intelligent bison A plus A plus It's not only does it Protect the herd

It becomes the herd And can like you know Move around and And animals are dumb fucks So if you instantly Get in one of it's brain There's no resistance there Oh mate

That's true It's not even just the herd It's just like mind controls Like a pack of wolves Then the wolves Are protecting it Oh god That's like a

Fucking horror movie Where they're like, we can't get in the woods. They're, like, organized now. The wolves are, like, patrolling the outside. Remember, he's an antihero, though, so he's sort of good. Maybe he's like... If I understand what antihero means. Yeah, he'll, like, fight, you know, low-level crime,

but he'll embezzle from himself. I was imagining, like, loggers, like people logging the woods, and he's like, no, no, no. Poachers. Yeah. I'm imagining a bison just eating some grass and just staring off into the distance, and a poacher lines up a shot,

and then all of a sudden he's just like... Turning used and turns the rifle into himself. And several wolves just et him out. I want to watch this movie and I really like how you say et that's the second time today I spent a couple of minutes if you listen back you'll notice I don't say anything

after you say et for a couple of minutes it's real good et edit that's great now in the streets it's like an A plot at at at at it that's great alright now in the streets well I mean

it's again a plot it's bringing down humanity here's a great little super smart but yeah like

who's stopping it cops are not it's not going up staircases if you're committing crimes like in a on a second level

on a second floor but I guess it could control someone to go up there or just control but come down and then just ram him being like I'm on I'm here at the bison's authority On a second floor, but I guess it could control someone to go up there. Or just control, but come down! And then just ram him.

Being like, I'm here for the bison's authority. You're under arrest. You're doing some second story crime, and then you see this compulsion to go downstairs. So you walk down in the street, and there's this giant bison who just takes one run up and then just, poof, dead. Into a wall. He must really dislike you to do that because he doesn't have to. He could make you

punch yourself. That's him just having a bad day. He needed to let off all the steam. He needs that personal touch. I really like the concept of second story crime. I'm a criminal, but no ground floor jobs for me.

Two and above. Two coaster cops. Cops can't climb stairs. I got that stair buffer. You know I'm all about that stair buffer when I commit crimes. People think that cops can solve crimes perfectly, but one thing cops don't have, I'm up high. They can't fly.

Can't get to the second story. I feel like a bison the struggle there is that in the city if he's got his herd with him they're easy to kill even if he's not yeah also i really like the idea of it becoming too much and they just nuke this it's just a very funny enough they're like we just can't stop it well in avengers they were gonna nuke new york city just over a little Chitauri. Chitauri? Chitauri.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I picture he'd park the herd of bison outside the city where the city meets the country, Gumbay Park or wherever. That's a reference your American listeners will enjoy. And probably no one will enjoy it, to be honest. So he'll only bring in like the smaller, like maybe owls.

There's stuff that can hide away in the alley to jump out at you. Bats, obviously. Bats. Shit on your dick. It all makes sense now. I knew I shouldn't have yelled at that bison You were doing a crime and the bison was like none of that This will teach him a lesson

It taught me a lesson I didn't It should have There probably isn't a lower level crime than pissing in an alleyway That's the kind of crime cops look at And just keep driving It's kind of funny because I was pissing and then got shit on So it's like it one-upped me.

Yeah. And in the sheets. Yeah. You know exactly what it wants because it's telling you. Well, actually. That's true. It's using you to fuck it. I don't like the power it has on me.

To me, it feels like bison is a consent issue and I don't like it. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of making love To this bison It's just kind of like Because a bison is so intelligent Comparatively so not intelligent The bison is almost committing Backwards bestiality

And I'm not a fan And also I don't know if I want to make love to the bison Or if the bison is just convincing me With his mind powers to make love to the bison But you know bison is just convincing me with his mind powers to make love to the bison. But you know that bison fucking the herd, so that's good for the herd. The herd's only going to get bigger. And stronger and more smarter.

They're going to be fucking genius herd mind babies, you know, until you've got a whole... It's scary for humans, but it's good for the bison. I mean, humans have had a pretty good run. We've had it too good for too long. It's time for the bison. I mean, humans have had a pretty good run. We've had it too good for too long. It's time for the bisons to take up the fucking reins of this planet. So I think A's are all across the board.

What's for A pluses? One-upped rat mines. Rat mass. Rat mass. We were the only ones who had names. Yeah, I think that's from Dogflight. Dogflight. Fuck, that's a great name. It's Dogflight. Look out. Fuck, that's a great name. It's Dogflight. Look out.

Invisirath. Now clearly the question is that in an all-out superhero battle in the middle of the city, who's coming out on top? Well, Invisidraph is dying like a dickhead. I mean, I guess when the battle happens and Invisidraph just rots. Invisidraph just comes in. What's going on? Then just gets mauled by several tigers and timber wolves.

Maybe as he's falling, he'll just take out the flying dog. An invisible giraffe neck just collides. And then it's a battle between rat mass and herd mass. I always imagined dog flight. That was his name, yeah. I always imagine just constantly arfing, like... Then just... As a giraffe neck hits it.

Are you watching that? You see a dog just flying full very quickly from the sky. What got him? That dog was only about two stories up. 2.7 metres. What? Got him. That dog was only about two stories up. 2.7 metres. That's so weird. Yeah, crime does happen up there. There's nothing cops can do to stop it.

I suppose the herd mind would just win because it's as big as rat mass can get. He's still an animal that can be manipulated. Yeah, well, I pictured he'd have a little A little magneto sort of helmet Yes Wait, which one? Which rat head?

Rat mass Yeah, now rat mass is the evil I think he's the magneto He's the magneto to the Professor X of Herb Mind It's true That's weird because that means rat mass wants to turn everyone into mutant animals. Ratmas is like, that's where the next step. Animals with powers.

That's what's coming. He doesn't want to turn them into mutants. He just wants to bring them into the mass. The Ratmas. Soon everything will be Ratmas. You're like, it's an evil and evangelical rat creature that needs to be stopped. I need to be worshipped. I need to be worshipped.

It needs to be worshipped. I am not rat. It keeps... In everyone else's situations, they're talking about like they exist in a world where this animal exists. But yours, again,

you just keep saying, I am... So yeah, what I do as ratmask is I just get real big. Eat a house. I am ratmask. Do you guys have

listeners who draw your creations? I think this, this is ready to go. Yours is going to be quite straightforward. Real easy. Hey, look at this

empty street. I did him. A puddle of blood basically. It's just a crowd around holding their noses. Do you smell

something? Did something die? I can't see it. That's Invisalign. Invisalign giraffes catchphrase. Did something die? I cannot see it. I do like if it's a constant stream of invisible giraffes.

Because then it gets one guy, it dies and they're like, well, alright, make another one, send it in. Inject another one with whatever, the invisibility serum, and put it in the back. Send another one up to space. Imagine you keep one in the vault. Like, someone's like, I broke in.

What's in here with me? Oh, it died. Shut the door on his head. Comes out like invisible arms or legs flailing. Tell me who it not was. I like how the giraffe's got arms there. That's a worry.

It's a giraffe. It punched me. What? I don't know what it is. And then you're crushed in there. Yep. Well, I think no matter which animal was best, humanity loses. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And I've been Matt. Thanks for coming, Matt Stewart from Do Go On. Is there anything you'd like to plug? Like maybe your podcast, Do Go On. Yeah, everyone should listen to Do Go On. It's a podcast.

It's way more logical than this. We never get silly. This was a farce. But also, we're sharing a room at the Fringe Festival. We as in me. And you. What else would we have meant?

We as in Matt Stewart and the listeners. Because everyone's going to be the listeners. We as in Matt Stewart and the listeners. Because everyone's going to your show now. Hey, perfect segue. So this will be coming out before then?

Yeah, I'll put this out today. Because when people listen to it, today will be when they're listening to it. That's a guaranteed win. So if you're in Melbourne,

the Courthouse Hotel, you should go see all the Sands Pants shows. Seven of them. You're plugging us now. This Wednesday. Flipped us on. Also, you start on Wednesday too?

Yeah. Yeah, sweet. So I've got a show with a friend Alistair Trumbly-Virtual called Alan Mac Go Harvey's. It's on 9.30 there. What time are your shows on? 9.30, I believe. Oh, fuck. What room are you in?

Oh, yeah, you'll be at the Metro. Anyway, this can happen off, Mark, I'm sure. No, no, no. We're at 9.45, so if you can, get 15 minutes of maths. And just into us. Nip on over. If you can somehow watch both, perhaps with a GoPro or a webcam. Yeah, look, I don't want to take any Sandspant listeners away from your live show,

so don't come to my show. Listen to Do Go On. Listen to Do Go On. You can do that before or after you go see Sandspant's live. Fuck, I want to look out into the crowd and see someone with headphones in. You listen to Do Go On. I said before or after. God damn it, You arsehole

This makes more logical sense than whatever this is This is sort of just stupid Nah you got us I'll go Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspance Radio, or you can find us individually.

I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us,

head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.