Plumbing the Death Star - If You Die in the Game You Die in Real Life: Which is the Worst Game to Die in?

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

Our pockets are stuffed with quarters and we’ve got a gaming itch to scratch! Forget Timezone, let’s all head down to the arcade that kills you, put on the oculus rift that explodes our head and fire up Star Wars Episode I: Racer to finally experience podracing as it was truly meant to be played. The boys fight over the one brain cell that isn’t even there as they try to figure out how they’d die like a Mario, wonder what happens to a brain when it’s bit by many rattlesnakes and predict one of the trio’s many bus related deaths. Meet you at the arcade fellas!Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joe. And this is a podcast where we ask the important questions like, if you die in the game, you die in real life.

Which is the worst game to die in? it's an old adage but it rings true you die in the game you die in real life so late last year yeah there was a prototype for a VR headset. This is very exciting stuff. That if you died in the game, it shot three explosive charges directly into your brain, killing you in real life. And we thought,

why not honor that with a Plumbing the Death Star episode? I think when I first saw that Oculus Rift that kills you, I said, I would like to play the first race on Star Wars Episode I Racer. And I think I could do it.

I think I could do that without dying, and I think it'd be fine. And I'm willing to take the risk. If anybody's got the Oculus Rift, it'll kill you. I'm willing to take the risk and play the first race of the Buddha Eve classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think I'll survive.

Okay, do you reckon your death screen will emulate Anakin's death screen? I don't think I'll get a chance to death scream. I think you'll watch Anakin lose one of his pod racer jets and start to spiral. And you'll see sweat dripping out of the Oculus Rift. And then Anakin will go, ah! And I'll just drop like a sack of potatoes. Maybe the worst thing is, you know when you pick up a controller the first time

and you're like, what's the controls again? You slip a bit, you go reverse, you accidentally back up, bend quadratus, just go cream straight through Anakin's little pod, and you're just like, that was 20 seconds. Can I have another go?

Can I have another back? Can I have silence? Stop as my body hits the floor. Oh, we should have... Oh, he's bleeding out of the carpet. We probably shouldn't have let him do this, I think. Does episode one pod racer for the Nintendo 64 have the same mechanic as Mario Kart,

where if you accelerate at the wrong time at the start, you can explode? No, but imagine. Three, two, one. Dead. Instantly killed. The way I play Podracer is by burning my engines as hot as they'll go. So I just gotta be

on the ball about repairing. Or I'll die. So, well, I mean, it's bad because I mean, some of the Podracer accidents are instant. Like, you hit a rock, you just explode. Yeah, that's true. But the ones where, yeah, one engine breaks, you...

You've got maybe a good three seconds to drop your controller and just, like, yank down. But for some reason, it's fully strapped to my head. Like a fucking saw trap. But it's funny as well to imagine it's not on the TV, so you can't see what I'm seeing. You just see me be like, yeah, got this, got this. Drop the controller. No, no, no.

Jackson Bailey in live. You claim that you were the best pod racer. I can race better than little boys in space. Okay, so let's work out how you die in real life. Yeah. From the death in the air. Is it basically three little charges going? Yeah.

Or is it somehow, miraculously, through console magic, that whatever happens in-game happens to your outside body. Well, what if, maybe it's the easiest way to pitch this, is much like how they've made an Oculus Rift that shoots explosive charges directly into your brain, killing you instantly. Maybe that these games, we imagine when we pick we're playing them, we have set up our own specific VR rooms.

So like how, I don't know if you've ever seen this, but there is an arcade version of the Podracer game that has like the Podracer cockpit. So maybe it's... If I picked Podracer, I would be in that. The whole console would catch fire. Or maybe just simply a couple of flamethrowers pointing directly at your head. Boom! Just a skull.

Briefly, you're Ghost Rider. Okay, I was thinking something like that. I was thinking maybe a Matrix situation where we just plug in. Oh, okay. So we're fully immersed and whatever happens in the game somehow happens to real. Just happens to our body. Well, okay, this is the one I would to our body. Well, okay. This is the one I would like to pick

because I don't know what this would feel like. Okay, so in Mario... So hang on. You can imagine the sensation of three explosive charges being set off in your brain. I can visualize maybe how that would feel. In the history, I guess, of humanity,

people have blown up. Exactly, but I don't know if... Flamethrower was an easy one to imagine. I burn myself all the time. I've had heat near my face, and I can imagine that, but just excruciating and way worse. In your eyeballs. Okay, so this bit, I don't know if anybody's ever died because of this. So in the original 2D Mario side-scroller, you have a timer.

And when that timer runs out, Mario dies. What's he dying of? And what would that feel like if it happened to my human body? Is Mario... Does he die of guilt? Is the timer... I didn't save the princess. No, because it sneaks up on him.

Yeah, he's caught. It's kind of almost dies by surprise. He's caught on a wire. I guess it's like a surprise. I guess instant cardiac arrest. Or is it like a really rapid aging that happens to him? Well, he doesn't age. Like, we would see that.

Mario doesn't age. That's true. For some reason, I'm imagining he dies. Why did you say that like that was like a revelation? Wow, Mario doesn't age. That's true. For some reason, I'm imagining he died. Why did you say that like that was like a revelation? Wow, Mario doesn't age. He's not gotten older in all these years. Geez. I think it counted as like 23.

Yeah, that's crazy. Bullshit for 23. I was like, he's done a lot for 23, but ooh. Oh, yeah. Well, you can see it. You can see it on his face. See it in the lines on his face. He's not a youthful man.

Yeah. What happens when he dies? Does he kind of like freeze, face the screen? In some versions, does he get bigger? Or does he like spin? No, he turns, faces the screen, goes, wah, and then disappears down off the sort of like the front plane of the screen. Yeah.

What happens to my body when I do that? Does your heart just stop? Are you falling? Am I dying? Well, okay. If I'm just dying like the three bolts in my head, then my heart just stops. My heart stops, I die,

and you're like, oh, he's timer right. Jackson entered this virtual realm with a timer above his head for some reason. But if I get experience what Mario experiences, then I do fall somewhere. But that happens when Mario what Mario experiences, then I do fall somewhere. But that happens when Mario hits something, too, you've got to remember. That's true. Death animation's the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You pop up, and it goes, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Where do I go? Are you... How? Are you just being impacted or hit by time? Have I hit the wall of time and it sent me out of reality? I imagine.

Okay. So the best way to how this, I think, would work in real life is we've set up for the timer of Mario. Okay. Sitting in a couch. Okay. Or sitting on a couch. Sitting in a couch. Sitting on a couch.

Yeah. As people, the traditional use of a couch and there's a giant cannon directly beneath the cushion you're on and one directly above you the timer runs out you receive cardiac arrest the cannon underneath you goes off which launches you up and then as you like a split second later the one above you goes off so you shoot straight back down but here's what happens in reality. You're watching me, watch as a cannon tears through my body and down my head.

Into the cannon above me, which then falls on me. As another one shoots down. As another one shoots out, that cannon falls on top of my mutilated body, and you're like, he died just like Mario. This is just like when the timer runs out. I guess as the detectives who were coming in seeing this crime scene, I'm like, how did he die?

Like, yeah, I think people seeing that corpse, or bits of, can't really look at that and be, oh, yeah, the timer ran out. Well, what about an air cannon so there's no, like, cannonball? So then I'm fired up, my ass breaks. Yeah. Then I'm hit with the air from above my neck breaks. So you just slam it together. Thank God I was dead before this. No, no, no, just cardiac arrest.

You haven't died yet. Oh, yes, I'm in a tremendous pain as my asshole shatters and my neck shatters. And you're slammed into the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like Mario. That's how Mario goes. Yeah. But I don't need to slip off. I need to go.

I need to disappear. I mean, you don't have to disappear. You're kind of going off camera, right? So we don't know if there's like a big pile of dead Mario. Okay, yeah. Off camera. I joined the other Mario corpses. Okay, well what about this then?

It's whatever's down the holes, I guess. You get a cardiac arrest. The couch has springs underneath it, which launches you straight up. And then- You keep launching him off. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like what about this then? It's whatever's down the holes, I guess. You get a cardiac arrest. The couch has springs underneath it, which launches you straight up. And then... You keep launching him up. Because that's what happens to Mario. Mario goes up and then down. Mario doesn't just go down. Yeah.

Okay. I need to watch this animation. He goes, mama mia. But that's inferred. He doesn't actually say it. He doesn't. Yeah, he's mute. And he goes, mama mia.

And I'm doing this. Yeah. I got my legs splayed out, my arms in the air. He looks kind of like Frogger after he's been hit by a car. Yeah, because I'm in such pain from the timer running out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you googling Mario death animation? Yeah. Let us know if it's good. Yeah, let us know if it's good. Yeah, we know it's good.

I'm watching some ads for Domino's now. Are they good? Is Domino's good? No. It used to be worse. Yeah, that's true. They's good. Yeah, well, we know it's good. I'm watching some ads for Domino's now. Are they good? Is Domino's good? No. It used to be worse. Yeah, that's true. They did that thing where they were like, we fucked right up. Are you familiar with our dog shit pizzas and how we have fucked this?

Yes. Happy to report we figured it out. We've unfucked pizza. But then, Domino's, you've got to be like, I don't know if I trust you. You did such a bad job. We're the guys who fucked pizza. We fucked pizza right up. We'll figure it out. Yeah, we've figured it out now.

We've fired all the guys that fucked the pizza. And we've got people in now that promise not to fuck the pizza. They know how to make the pizza, yeah. We decided instead of guys that don't know how to make pizza, we'd hire guys. We'll get some guys who know how to make a pizza. Yeah, they know how to make pizza. Okay, Domino's. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard, but fair enough. Oh, well, you had our old pizzas guys who know how to make pizza. Yeah, they know how to make pizza. Okay, Domino's. Doesn't seem like it should be that hard,

but fair enough. Oh, well, you've had our old pizzas. You know how hard it was. So it's going through the evolution of the death animation of

Mario. Okay. First one is in Donkey Kong where he gets hit by a barrel. Then does a bunch of spins, falls down, and he's got a

Well, we can do that. He's got a halo above his head, which is great. Mario goes to heaven. Yeah, wow. I mean, we can do that. You hit me with a

barrel, I probably would spin. Yeah. Much much like Donkey Kong we are much like Donkey Kong and Mario. Yeah in Mario Bros when he gets hit yeah he does a little jump up faces the camera puts his arms out like he's like you know uh like splayed out yeah like oh and then just goes uh into the ground yeah there's a splash there's a splash in Mario Bros not the Super Mario Bros oh okay yeah yeah alright alright he drowns

Mario drowned like Ben so we could hit me with a barrel if we wanted me to die like Mario does in the original Donkey Kong I think that's something

we could set up hitting you with a turtle is hard no it's easy you just get a turtle and you hock it at it yeah get a turtle

like what's the what's the trouble, dude? What do you think is hard about hitting me? You go to the shop. You say, hello, one turtle, please. And they're like, you need to sign this waiver. You're not going to commit a murder. You're not going to hit a man with it.

We're like, we're not. We're like, why is that guy got a target on his t-shirt? I'm going to hit him with something else, a plum. We've been hocking plums and we got sick of it, so we decided to get a pet turtle. He doesn't have any plum juice on him now. Yeah, not yet. I mean, it's a new t-shirt. I mean, we are really bad at throwing.

Yeah, they missed me and now we're going to get a turtle. Why am I in this lie? Then we step outside and they watch through the window. You fucking turtle. Those motherfuckers. We're going to throw turtles at each other. Another guy's dead. Oh, fuck.

He did the Mario death animation. We run away, but I got a turtle embedded in my chest. I'm breathing through the turtle. He watches I inhale and the turtle exhales. Something really bad happened inside me. we escaped the reptile store. It's cool the turtle survived. Yeah, the turtle's all good. That shop owner's a real beast, though.

So I guess I have a question when it comes to Mario. Is it the game over? Or is it any death? What do you mean? For me? When you're dying. Well, I picked the timer running out. But I'm just curious. All the death animations are When you're dying. Well, I picked the time of running out.

But I'm just curious. All of the animations are pretty much the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was curious in terms of when it comes to like, when you die in game, you die in real. It's every time you die. But Mario often has more lives than one. Oh, that's true.

That is true. You basically have near-death experiences until the game over. Yeah. Or is it? Well, yeah, I guess I would. I was going to be like, or is it a new me? Like it's a new Mario every time. Is it a new Mario every time? Yeah, I realize it, well, yeah, I guess I would. I was going to be like, or is it a new me? Like it's a new Mario every time. Is it a new Mario every time? Yeah, I realize I said that like that was just how everybody understood.

So with Mario, yeah, he has the same death animation, but the, I guess, cause of death is different each time. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. So again, we've put you into a kind of a Mario simulator. Yeah, yeah. To kill me. Matrix style or a big box filled with turtles. I don't know what the, what would it feel like getting.

A big box filled with turtles is awesome. Guys, what is this? You're playing Mario. Shut up. So you're experiencing getting hit by all these things. Touching a turtle kills you. That's rough. I can understand touching a turtle.

Touching a Goomba. Yeah. What's it like to touch a Goomba? What understand touching a turtle. Touching a Goomba. Yeah. What's it like to touch a Goomba? What's it like to get killed by a Goomba? I guess it'd be like touching a really poisonous mushroom in the forest. What's that feel like, Jackson? Bad. I gotta assume.

Because every death animation seems the same. He goes up real high, turns to face us, the crowd, and then falls. Don't cry for me, he mouths. Some of them have such the excruciating look of pain. It's a shame that it hurts. It needs to always be like a hydraulic robot arm that you're sort of attached to. So then it quickly is like, whoop, bang. So I kind of get like a wrestling move.

It's like, lift you up, but you don't get any impact. I'm going to get such a broken arse. It's kind of like, no, you're right, I don't. You're going to die. But it's more like hydraulic arms picking me up and throwing me off a bridge. I think lifting it up

and then putting you down, that's kind of for our entertainment, the audience, the people watching. We'd chill. You've already died an excruciating pain somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm already gone. And you've lifted and down. So I'm guessing if the timer runs out, it almost has to do it with enough force that it kills you.

Like a lot of Gs. So I'm kind of shook. You're not shook though, because it's like one up down. Okay, this is a slightly out of the box idea. Okay, I'm listening. But are you familiar with, and it's a prototype that was never made, the euthanasia coaster? Oh, I am indeed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A roller coaster designed to kill you if that's what you wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go, how's my island? Yeah, exactly. It's a blast. It's a fun time at the fair, and then you're dead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was designed for people to, as the name suggests, euthanasia, and there's enough loops close enough together and a steep enough drop that the Gs get so much that it knocks you out. So it's a painless death as well.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you're playing Mario on that. Yeah. And if I don't beat it before the time runs out i'm dead from the coaster that's bad because i don't think i'm going to be very good at playing mario i imagine you're at the top okay if the time runs out i just drop too long to think about it too long to realize what's going to happen well Well, I keep thinking, so the timer running out, the real-life equivalent is old age, right? So I just, the timer runs out in Mario,

and then I continue to live my regular life, and then I'm like 75 lying in my deathbed, and all of a sudden, whoa! Flung up and dropped off the edge of the screen. There's my loved ones are gathered around me. Yeah, there's a spring in the hospital bed. I wish that we'd spent more time together, son. I love you.

Wow, dad's a pile of bones. Yeah, your hospice bed just launches through the ceiling. Oh, that's right. Dad said he was going to die like Mario. Why is this happening? When I die, I'm going to die like Mario why is this when I die I'm going to get flung up into the air

and then slammed into the ground why because in 2023 I did an episode of a podcast where I was going to die like

but if you're dying in the game and you die in real so again it's the equivalent of like your time running out so surely

you're playing at the beach that makes you old of course I've taken my game boy to the beach that makes you old. Of course. I've taken my Game Boy. My Game Boy's old. Oh, no. It's got rust.

Can't play the Game Boy at the beach that makes you old. Yeah, that's true. Well, wouldn't it be you are experiencing your life in that moment, but you're not really. Mentally, you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the Mario VR just injects you with a, oh, a life well lived.

Yeah. And then you die of old age. Basically, as you are flung into the air. You get clicked. Yeah, I do. And you're flung. I'm trying to work out how many. It's up.

Yeah, but how many Mario's high do you go up? Because you go up quite a lot of Mario's. It's like six or seven. So you go on up. I'm flung up real high. So in that process of you getting flung up so high, you get to experience your life. At the peak.

At the peak, and then as I start to come down, I experience my real life death. Because I was also saying your time running out, that's old age. But also, I mean, each of us does have an appointment with the Grim Reaper. And it's not necessarily dying of old age. Maybe I'll be hit by a bus. Probably. All signs point to yes.

Every time I get my fortune, all the fortune tellers just flip it out. Bus cards. There's no bus. Okay, so you got death, and that's not necessarily a bad one. It means the start of new beginnings or whatever. And then you've got six bus cards. Are they not? You motherfuckers are going to get killed by a bus.

A bus card's a typical part of a tarot deck. When you go on a bus, you're traveling. So he's a little traveler. Does that mean I'm going somewhere? To hell, maybe. You bring in your good friend James Brandy and he's like, just prove that this thing isn't real. And he's like, oh no, I owe this fortune teller

a million dollars. Now psychics are real. You're going to die from a boss. I go see John Edwards. He's like, I'm getting a bus, a bus, and a really bad death from this part of the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stand up, oh, that might be me.

I'm getting like a yellow, like a big box yellow, like American yellow. Like an American school bus? Yes. Yes. Yes. So are you going to die one day? I think so. It's going to be violent and from a bus.

This is not your typical sort of. Cold reading. Usually you say, oh, I've got a name that's starting with like m or s i'm going mid lit mill it man you were really confident he just comes out on stage and he's just like bus this in the audience right here whoa there's nothing you can do leave your house or don't a boss is coming for you oh oh you're gonna a second opinion. It will be painful and violent. Go to some fucker that just like throws bones or runes up in the air.

Just spells bus. Spells bus, like all the bones, the chicken bones all just like fall perfectly and I'm like, is that a bus? Is that a bus hitting me dead? I think so. Palm reader's like, hmm, your bus line is the longest I've ever seen. I might be in real danger of getting hit by a bus, yes.

I'd avoid buses. Being in danger implies there's a chance. There's uncertainty. I just have a date with destiny am I in danger it's kind of hard to say kind of or it's like

it's written in stone yeah there's kind of no avoiding this so I guess you could experience getting hit by a bus in your mind as your heart gives way as you fall

but I guess yeah it's a motion of up down and with that with enough because if you're emulating what we're seeing on screen

it is a slow almost descent but that won't kill you no yeah yeah so I guess it has to be real quick yeah I'm flung up in the air and slammed into the ground

and that's how I die yeah because my timer ran out yeah I like that we've set this up yeah we went through

multiple options. He's getting hit by the turtle. He's Mr. Turtle. He's Mr. Fucking Turtle. You've got a big sack of turtles. Yeah, I put the turtles down. He's going to get hit by the goomba. Get the mushroom.

The poison mushroom. He missed that. But he is just dawdling for some reason. You get big in Mario and you feel like you're big in real. What have we set up here? How are you going to kill me with the turtles? Just huck them up?

Well, hit you with a turtle then you get launched up and then slammed into the ground killing you immediately. Yeah. So I imagine in this situation

we've set it up to the contraption that slams you into the ground does it with enough force that you die regardless. Yeah, yeah, okay. It's just about what kills me i guess this is sort of like my uh pod racer claim where i'm like i can beat it without dying dude put me in the machine and then you're like does he know there's a timer in the game as i'm just walking into a pipe or

whatever or i've stopped to take a sip of juice so i don't know if if this is the worst way to die but it's definitely the most confusing I was just going to go with like say the Oregon Trail you die from dysentery because it happens on screen of just like a couple of texts like words

so in this case of my like bad decision making I then hit next and then I get instant dysentery. That's not good. That's so much diarrhea. Well, so much diarrhea kills you. Yeah, but in the space of maybe, what, three seconds?

Is that enough time? Is three seconds enough time to have diarrhea? What's the machine? Is it just like a big tube just shoves down my throat, high-pressure hose. Just blows all of your insides directly on your arsehole. Just blows my back out.

Blows your back out. You're shitting out your literal stomach. You're kind of inverting. Getting sucked into yourself and reversed out the back of you. Me and Dusha standing by being like, why did he pick this game? He knew the consequences. I've never even seen him

play that game before. Why did he do this one? So much Marga Channel's random chance. I can't even justify it. You got the tube in you. You're firing your own diarrhea at the back of you and fire in your own diarrhea at the back of you.

This is the worst image and smell I've ever experienced. Wow. There are lots of other bad ways to die in Oregon. Some of them are way easier to do. You're bit by a snake and one of us just comes up

and bites you in the leg with a rattlesnake or whatever. I'm assuming it's a machine, so I'm guessing you've got a whole machine that has two rattlesnake fangs. I'm assuming it's a machine, so I'm guessing you've got like a whole machine that has just like two rattlesnake fangs there ready to be like,

ah! Well, I guess as well because it's an instant death, they've got to be hooked up to a lot of, oh no, you die. How quickly do you die from a rattlesnake bite?

I don't know if it's instant because it kind of like fuck up your blood, right? Yeah, that's right. It makes your blood really thick. Yeah. Oh, sludge blood.

Yeah. Have you ever seen the video of it? They add a little bit to the like- Like a drop of- Yeah, venom to- It becomes like jelly. Cool. That's what happens in salmon.

Makes me solid. Yeah. There's like, yeah, is it- So with the deaths, is it happening the moment it's on, like say you die from dysentery, am I like, oh no, and then I'm dead? Or is it like you die from dysentery. Am I like, oh, no, and then I'm dead? Or is it like you die from dysentery and I'm like, oh, no. Oh, I've got some terrible, terrible future. Just feel one rumble in your stomach.

This is going to be bad. Because if it's instant, honestly, any of these deaths are fine. Yeah, absolutely. Well, no. They're not pleasant. Because I'm dead. Yeah, but. To me, it means meaningless. Instant in air fine. Yeah, absolutely. Well, no. They're not pleasant. Yeah, but. To me, it means meaningless.

Instant in air quotes. Yeah, yeah. The choice of death means that there is, like, it's not instant instant. Yes, that's true. So a tube getting shot down your throat and blowing enough liquid in you that you literally get the equivalent of dysentery until you die. That will take at fastest seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So those seconds. Yeah, are going to be pretty bad. Where if you compare that to maybe like getting shot in the head with a rocket launcher. Yeah, yeah. Probably a bit faster. Snake bite, that's probably minutes. Oh, yeah. To like half an hour of intense pain.

Yeah, so again, if it is the kind of thing where it's like an instant thing. So I'm assuming is it like, oh, you got bit by a rattlesnake. You're not going to just give like one quick jab. It's like a liter of venom, right? Pumped into you. What happens to the human body when more than say like. Yeah. One.

Like more than one snake can pump you full of venom. Venom is in you. Would it be quicker to have say five rattlesnakes bite you on each limb? And then all the blood meets in the middle? Or if I got, like, say, a rattlesnake to bite me in the heart. Oh, yeah, that's true. Is that quicker? Yeah.

If a snake bit your heart, you die. I think you die pretty much immediately. If anything, if a dog bit your heart, you die. A bee you die pretty much immediately. If anything, if a dog bit your heart, you die. A bee sting on the heart would probably kill you. That place is fragile, man. Yeah. Well, what about a rattlesnake bite directly to the brain?

I reckon you could body it. You would come out fucked up, but you could probably body it. My frontal lobe is now Instead of storing my personality Now stores venom I have snake thoughts now If we got Rayleigh Auden from Hannibal

So like it's the top of our skull Taken off exposing our delicious brain And then someone just got a rattlesnake And What the fuck could happen I don't think anyone knows I think we're unprepared And then someone just got a rattlesnake and... What the fuck could happen? I don't think anyone knows. I think we're unprepared for how cool it could be. What the fuck happens to a brain?

Because there's blood... There's blood in a brain. How full of blood is a brain? Not so full. What happens... Isn't it all like... It's not all blood. It's not all blood.

No, no, no. It's not all blood It's not all blood No no no It's not Obviously it's not all blood That would then make the brain Just called blood You would have a blood You're right Oh I'm getting a blood freeze

Every time you kind of Moved your head You'd hear a slosh Yeah cause the brain is like Barely solid I know that Yeah yeah yeah It's gooey up there

Yeah Maybe the snake's face would just go through it. Yeah, it's way less solid than you think. Yeah, if you press on a brain, your hand would pretty much just go through it. And then it's encased in a protective layer of some kind of fluid. Like a membrane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Multiple layers. What if that was venom? What if? Huh. Yeah. Venom tends What if? Huh. Yeah. Venom tends to kind of make it all like colliguate. Would it interrupt

your... Would I be thinking Venom thoughts? Well, I was wondering if it would interrupt the synapses firing off. What happens if a snake bites your brain? You'd die. You would die.

But what happens to the brain if I'm looking at it? You'd probably see the venom go in the brain, because brains, again, are like a bit, they're not like see-through, but. Here's a question. So you know how like when you get bit by a snake or anything... Suck the venom out. Well, no, and the blood can get in your veins and it's pumped around your body and then to your heart or whatever.

How... Is the brain pumping? Is the brain pumping? Yeah, there's like two... No, your heart controls that. Yeah. Okay. Well, so then maybe you'd be okay.

No, you're not. Because there'd be... There's veins and arteries and whatnot that are Okay. So then maybe you'd be okay. No, you're not. Because there's veins and arteries and whatnot that are there and so they're getting... Yeah, to pump blood into your brain. So then it might go back into your heart from the brain. Well, yes, because the heart controls all of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just wasn't sure how much was getting sent around.

Yeah, look, we're all stupid here. No stupid questions. And right now there's only clever answers that none of us here know. Yeah, okay. There's probably someone right now who knows biology and snakes. What happens if a snake bites you on the brain? You die! They're screaming into their phone, you die!

We know we die. We just want to know how cool that looks. What would it look like? You know a lot of people say you get three dumb fucks they share a brain cell? I feel like we fight over a brain cell. It's like there's a brain cell in the middle of the room that we're all scrabbling for constantly.

And then we all think we have it, but it's fucked off years ago. It slipped under the table. Okay. What else can you die from? You could drown if your wagon doesn't cross the river properly. Oh yeah. We just dump a bunch of water in you.

Just quickly going back to brain talk, how good do you reckon that guy felt when he became a brand new guy after the railroad Finneas Gage? Yeah. Oh dude, he must have felt fucking awesome. He became a real prick but I wouldn't blame the frontal lobe on that, I'd blame the fact that he had a traumatic incident happen to

his brain. I've heard as well that that guy was actually a prick from the start. And that he kind of used it as an excuse to be like, well, I got this railroad spike through my head, so I'll be a full cunt now. But everybody was like, you were always a piece of shit, Phineas Gaines. Guilty as charged.

Railroad spike did nothing. My brain was fine. Body to Spike. I've got a list of the- Would you leave it in? Yeah. Look, I'll hang stuff of it.

Hang a bauble on Christmas. Oh, Merry Christmas. You'd be so festive. So I've got a list of all the ways you can die, at least like 10 of the ways you can die in Oregon Trail. Okay. This is going to suck. A broken arm.

How do you break somebody's arm so badly? Well, snap it. A bone pierces the skin. Blood loss? Or sepsis? A fragment of the bone goes into your veins and then goes to your heart. Or we break Simon's arm off and stab him. Stab him in the heart.

You died of a broken arm, motherfucker. No, I don't think I did. I died of being stabbed by my friends. Which one is also a broken arm, motherfucker No, I don't think I did I thought of being stabbed by my friends Which one is also a broken leg? So I guess, I mean it is like 1800s Yeah, yeah, yeah So I guess you're dying from it festering Yeah, that I presume would be the case

If you break an arm and do nothing about it You'll probably die It'll just take a long time, yeah If I just broke my arm now and then didn't do anything about it. You're not going to die. I'm not going to die. Well, that depends. Are you seeing a doctor? No. You might die. From what?

From infection and sepsis. But that would only be if it pierces the skin, right? Probably if the bones snap inside you. Have you broken a bone before? No. I have. Okay. Broken several, yes.

Yeah. You can just heal bad. Yeah, just heal bad. Well, it depends on the break, I suppose. Yeah. Because if the break is a bad shatter, then you're probably

going to be in trouble. Because, like, I've broken my collarbone, and, yeah, I went to the hospital, and all they did was look at it and be like, yep, there's a broken collarbone.

They didn't do anything. Or is it a kind of thing of, like, okay, you've broken your arm or you've broken your leg now because we can't really help you out. Are we putting them down like a dog? Yeah. Is it like, oh,

the harsh life of going through the trail. Well, if you've broken your leg, you could tip this wagon, but... Well, you're probably going to... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to die from that. Shock? Shock could kill you.

And again, it depends on if the break is like a shattering break. Then that could pierce your skin. Then you get sepsis. I guess the machine has just got like the arms and legs of myself. It's just like a vice grip. And then they just snap it and then just yank, I guess. So it's broken blood loss. Yeah, absolutely.

Then we've got exhaustion. So it's going to real tire me out. I guess it just, loss. Yeah, absolutely. Then we've got exhaustion. So it's going to real tire me out. I guess it just makes your legs go and your arms go without you having any say in it. It blows you with hot air. It's like a treadmill that's constantly on. Feed you some hot soup. Can I stop? No.

Why would you feed him hot soup? Because you think that'll make you feel better? Well, it's not going to make him exhausted. Imagine you've just run a marathon and then you drink some hot soup. Yeah, that will help. Because it's full of salt and water. Cold soup, then.

Also full of salt and water. What are you saying? Oh, I'm so exhausted. I better not eat. It'll kill me. Yeah. Oh, I can't have this hot soup. Oh, I know hot soup.

Oh, I cooled down for too long. I'm going to fucking die. If it's scalding hot soup, that'd be pretty bad. That'd be pretty bad. Oh, you're bad. I burned my tongue. Oh, no. Now I'm going to blow on it.

Oh, fuck. I blew on it too hard. Now it's cold and I'm dying. Cholera? Cholera? Were you just thinking because he's exhausted so he's hot? I was thinking he's hot already.

You know, feels bad to have hot soup when you're hot already. Do you have a coffee on a hot day ever? Not really. I go on iced coffee. Refreshing, yeah.

I understand how you can't relate to that to real life. I've heard that. I've heard that. Yeah, you drink a hot something hot. You drink a hot thing and it's meant to help cool you down. So if anything,

it's... Anyway, yeah. So yeah, if anything, you fucked it. Yeah, cholera, which is, I guess, kind of like dysentery. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. A pipe goes in your ass.

In your mouth. In your mouth, and we're like, but stuff needs to come out. I guess they've got to put it in and then wire it a bit so it kind of doesn't hit. Or they go through your body and come out each end

and then but we're like well he's dead he's dead now tubes go in each end just blast you full of liquid then pull out

and then just see what happens that's so fucked up guys whoa that's so fucked up well I'm glad I picked Mario dude

Typhoid which is also more gastric stuff yeah yeah yeah there was a lot of that I'm glad I picked Mario Tyford which is also more gastric stuff yeah yeah yeah there was a lot of that in the trail okay we got snake bite of course that's gonna suck fever? I guess you could just do fever by getting the snake to bite

on the brain I feel like a fever would be the least of your problems with snake on your brain measles? oh yeah dude get covered in measles I feel like a fever would be the least of your problems if there's a snake on your brain. Measles! Measles? Oh yeah, dude. Get covered in measles and then... How quickly am I dying from... If it's like a

matrix kind of thing, where it's just like okay, now he's going to experience measles to death. That sucks. Do you experience the breadth of how long measles would take? Or do you experience that in your mind, but for us, you just die? That's what I think it must be.

Because, say, for the Mario, if it's a Matrix situation, you're falling forever. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But for us, you just slammed onto the ground. Your pants will die in the war fart. He's dead. It's like, how embarrassing anyway.

Hope I don't die from dysentery. Anyway, are the pipes ready? Yeah, they're looking good. Oh, look, it's the Oregon Trail 2000 VR.

Oh, see. Oh, look, the pipe's on the seat. If I could just... One in the mouth, one in the tuckers. Keep playing, Duke. Keep playing. I'm standing there as Jackson's corpse on the ground. You're hooked up. I'm like, today's a good day.

I love the arcade. It's great. I thought time zone was a bus but it's not it's back it's better than I imagine you like you twitch

and then a bus just drives through the arcade oh he was still alive a little bit I guess all those psychics were right yeah so I guess

that would yeah that's a bad one. That's pretty grim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about you, Dusha? What do you got? Well, originally I was thinking Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, okay.

Become rings. But I was... Because I was trying to think of like... I was just imagining sitting on a couch. Yeah. And then I stand on spikes and all of a sudden spikes just shoot out of the couch and shish kebab. Yeah, yeah. But that's significantly less

grandeur than grandiose pipe DP. Initially, we're pretty good. I'm the edge car for the night. So realistic. He's so immersed.

It's like he's in the world of Yeah the Oregon Trail Just like the Settlers of Old All I realize is there's this much fucking on the trail It's rules Wow It's funny after all of that. Did the diver broken leg? Pipes did nothing.

Just for no reason. He buys him a snake bite, but the snake comes down the pipe. Oh no! The snake's going to bite my inside. You swallowed a snake and then it bit your stomach. The fuck would happen? I think it's the same if a snake bites you on the outside. If a snake bites you on the inside.

Same thing. Venom is in your blood. Because the snake actually is probably, well, it's going to be fucked up. Because if you full on swallow the snake, it lands in your stomach. And the stomach acid probably panics it. And it bites your stomach. I like that the esophagusagus going through the esophagus. Is this like a sweeter warm tunnel or what?

The snake's like, I'm in a bigger snake. If you're burying yourself underground in the snake's hole with your mouth. So you know snake will have a tunnel or whatever. You bury yourself underground in such a way that your mouth is, you're tricking the snake. So you're opening

your mouth at the end of a snake's hole yeah i'm underground i'm like i'm gonna get this fucking snake you're basically lunar parking the snake oh no i fell asleep and forgot to bite down and now it's in. I forgot to close my mouth. I'm holding it in sleep with my mouth open. Snake climbs down. It just thinks it's in a tunnel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's in my stomach and it starts to burn.

Panics, bites my stomach. I die. Or instead of what goes down the windpipe. Wrapped around my lung. Oh, no. I got a snake in my lung. There's a snake around my lung. Oh, no. I got a snake in my lung. There's a snake in my lung. I just blowed out of the dirt.

No, I got a snake in my lung. Call an ambulance. As you freak out, you pull the tubes out. Oh, it's just an Oregon Trail V. Oh, thank God. I got too immersed What was my plan? Was I going to bite the snake's head off?

What was I going to do? We'll never know now You'll figure it out when you're there I got two steps to the plan So I guess you're getting spiked through your couch It's pretty bad Especially when rings come out of you Yeah that's pretty grim

Another real obvious one through your couch is pretty bad, especially when rings come out of you. Yeah, that's pretty grim. Another real obvious one, and I'm not really sure how this would work. I guess it would kind of be in one of those sci-fi bad guy contraptions where my arms and legs... You know those boards? Those metal, spinny board things? Oh yeah, the gyro thingy.

Yeah, where your arms... It's like what the lawnmower man guy was in. He was going into lawnmower world. So imagine that, but I'm playing Mortal Kombat. Oh no. Because fatality... That's like on that fatality, your head just rockets off your body. Every limb is attached by a spring.

Okay. But then I'd be praying for like, what happens if they use a babality? Yeah. Turn me into a baby. I was going to say, that's great for a fatality. I can imagine your head flying off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a rock himself and robot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spinal cord still attached. Yeah. Imagine you getting frozen and then shattered. That's easy to imagine. Heart torn out. Yeah. Like the friendship death.

Do you just become friends with- What? The game? Yeah, it kills you. Who flashes the person them titties? Oh, yeah. Katana or someone else? That's an awesome way to die.

What about it kills you? Too hot. Yeah, fair enough. Got too horny, die. I like the idea of you having a babality because it's like you go in the VR or whatever, and I imagine it's like you're fully contained We can't see you. You just flop out little baby, I lost

But you're saying that to no one because me and Xamarin are both very dead What are the other fatalities you can have? Babality, friendality, fatality. It's just called friendship actually. Excuse me. I've never played a video game before. I'm pretty- It's become increasingly apparent. You've been too busy trying to catch snakes by hiding in snake holes. Is Liu Kang, when he turns-

Is he turning into a dragon? Yeah, eats you half- Yeah, that would be interesting to watch. How do we make that happen? I guess maybe you're in like a full suit. Yeah. That crushes you when you're eaten by the dragon yeah but I guess leave legs

oh yeah yeah yeah I guess it has to be a suit that will crush in certain segments yeah it would have to be a full suit that is capable of crushing but maybe at every joint area there's also like guillotines so that like you can get chopped

in certain things. Does that mean if you get a babality, it just shrinks you down? Yeah. That would kill you. Oh, yeah. If you were crushed into a baby shape, that would kill you. I guess, yeah. It'd be kind of like, you know, those, any kind of mold, I guess.

Yeah. I'm thinking those, the shape of a fish, you kind of of put them in, like the hot iron thing. Oh, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's kind of like, Dusha's about to, he's like, oh, they're fatality. Oh, babality, what the hell? Oh, no. The suit drops, and then a big hot iron in the shape of a baby, either side. But does it squish up Dusha into a baby shape?

Because that's not going to look like a baby. That's going to look like viscera in the shape of a baby. Or does it cut out a baby from doucher? I would imagine cut out a baby and boils and heats it so then it kind of maybe rapidly cools and then it pulls out. We have a

I guess a mold from the flesh and viscera and guts of a doucher. Yeah, yeah. All the bits that won't slop off either side. That's a pretty bad one. Yeah. That's not good. That's like a complicated death, but then it's also all pretty quick for you, I think.

There's lots of Mortal Kombat deaths that are not quick. Most fatalities have a moment where something horrible happens to the person, but they're alive, and then there's a second move that kills them. Also, you know you're going to die because you lost. You have a similar experience to me where you've got a tiny bit of health left and you're trying to take off that. Why don't I pick Mortal Kombat? There's like 10 seconds or something.

You're dying already of blood loss because of that timer ticks down. You're dead anyway. You've got a timer too, yeah. You've of blood loss because of that timer ticks down. You're dead anyway. So I guess you got blood loss is happening. I'm doing the classic waiting to get fatality move where I'm like, floating around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got 10 seconds of good blood loss or something real gruesome. And then Raiden electrocutes me and I turn into a skeleton.

And then he breaks off the skeleton's legs and jams them into my skull or something. You take off the Oculus Rift or whatever and it's like a 90s video game ad. Far out! Mortal Kombat,

kill me for real! Far out! I would play that game. That was the ad for Mortal Kombat VR that kills you. Yeah, I'd play it. Exactly.

Oh yeah, Johnny Cage just kind of does the splits, I'd play it. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Johnny Cage just kind of does the splits, bursts open your desk. Oh, yeah. Bunch of my dick and nods. Clean off. And then we're left

with his autograph. Yes. It's crazy you picked Mortal Kombat and not like Mario Kart or something. Well, Mario Kart's... How do you die

in Mario Kart? A car crash. Yeah, that's pretty bad, I guess. Sorry, a car crash. Can you die in Mario Kart, but how do you die in Mario Kart? A car crash. Yeah, that's pretty bad, I guess. Sorry, a cart crash. Can you die in Mario Kart? I guess not. Yeah, because there's no lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get struck by lightning. If you lose, you're upset about it. Yeah, but it's not really dying. A machine that makes you cry. Makes you feel lost. You take off your helmet, step out of the Mario Kart thing. We're dead. You're just a bit upset.

Oh, man. I finished sixth. I wanted at least a place. What about Zaman and Jack? Oh, no. Oh, my God. Jackson just got slammed into the ground and Zammett got full of water, I think. Is that a bus tire track also through Jackson?

Did a bus come through this arcade? Zammett got DP'd to death and Jack was hit by a bus. What was he playing? His leg's broken. He was playing Mario. Is there a bus in Mario? Is that how they simulated? I don't even know bows?

I guess he got pretty far. Yeah. Well, that's what we get for going to the arcade that kills you, I guess. Turns out that no matter how you die in a video game, if it kills you in real life, it's going to be bad. It's going to be bad. There's no winning here.

When someone's like, hey, it's going to be bad there's no winning yeah so yeah when someone's like hey want to go to the arcade that kills you say no yeah I get a couple of quarters do you want to head down to the arcade that kills you no thank you friend

I'll spend my money elsewhere I'll just go to regular time zone thank you very much I hope I can play time crisis 2 what if I go to the arcade where you win tickets yeah I'd like a big teddy bear

or something. I want a stuffed giraffe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A handful of candy. Spent $17 to get it. Good. Ticket economy is fucked. Yeah. What if I spend the equivalent of maybe three grand in tickets to get an iPhone that is about four years

old? Yeah, see? That's why I don't want to go there. I'm going to the arcade that kills you. Yeah, good point. I'll get ripped off. Don't get ripped off at the arcade that kills you. You just get killed. It does what it says. It's up front. That's what I like about it. I'll see you there.

You know what? I'm in too. We'll see everybody at the arcade that kills you. We'll meet you there. Pick your favorite game and then we'll see you in hell. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

The arcade that kills you. It's good. It's the place to be.