Plumbing the Death Star - If You Were a James Bond Villain What Would Your Scheme Be? (Feat. Michael Williams)

Episode Date: December 25, 2016

In which our heroes buy a fluffy white cat, sit menacingly in a chair, and try to cause irreparable damage to the world when we ask: if you were a bond villain, what would your scheme be? We discuss the function of Q, wonder why M is called M, and try to colonise mars a bit. Jackson wants to use the moon like a bullet, Duscher goes by the unpleasant name of Sinkhole, and Michael just wants to hurt Bond's feelings. So sip your martini, adjust your tux, and enjoy the greatest trilogy of bond films ever made. Debatably. Want to help Sinkhole get the broom of his dreams? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start Q working right away.Everything is 20% off at https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.com including all 25 episodes of Hus Firma Pride! If you’re after a USB tape head to https://audiobooksontape.com or it’s a tee-shirt you’re after check out our store at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio. In Sydney in Feb? Why not come see us live! Book your tickets here; http://edgetix.com/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio, read a book to keep yourself entertained for a night, burn a book to go to hell. Do you love it when we get facts about fictional universes wrong that you have to email us in and point us in the right direction? Hell, why not listen to us get facts about this non-fictional universe wrong? Just search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or wherever, and you can listen to us be wrong about a great number of topics, including birds, magic, and Elberts. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like if you were a james bond villain what would your scheme be if i was a james bond villain if i was a James Bond villain

my scheme would be to hurl the moon into the earth that's a good one I'm eating chips specifically what Zabit said not to do

but that's chips I guess that's just chips that's chips as why do you want to destroy the world well I just think ok so here's the let me lay it out

step by step. Okay. Step one. Take all of the people I like, move them to a base on Mars. All right? Okay. Like a moon base. Like a moon raker base.

But a Mars raker base. A Mars raker base. So this film's called Mars Raker. Yeah. Then... Yep. We attach rockets to the dark side of the moon. Yep.

Big ol' rockets. Yeah, big ones. Let them loose. Earth's gone. I get to create a utopia on Mars. Done. You could create a utopia on Mars without destroying the Earth. No, but people will try and stop me if I don't destroy the Earth.

I think people are going to try and stop you either way. Well, how long does it take to colonize Mars? A while. Because you're going to have to... Oh, what's it called? Terraform? Terraform. Yeah.

I'm assuming I'm living in like a dome, though. Oh, under the dome. Stephen King's under the dome. Well, like, we've got like James Bond level technology, which is kind of like... The future, but not really. Like the future, but not really. So we could be like, oh, it's a futuristic dome city.

Look, if you're going to build a satellite and use a giant diamond to shoot a laser at Mars that terraforms it, I'll allow it. Yeah, Rodeo. A diamond rain. Terraform Mars somehow with a diamond rain. We live there. Rockets on the moon. Moon into the

Earth. Utopia. What I like about, and something that neither of you have pounced on strangely is that why are people trying to stop me that's a pretty admirable thing to not destroy the planet with the moon but to live on mars like where do you work in this well i assumed i was like a super villain you don't work for what well if you look at Boris... J&R are counting. Yeah, go on. Sometimes Bond villains have a job.

My job is bloody villain. Okay, so you're like a Blofeld. Yeah, I'm a Blofeld type. Where you're like, I run a criminal organisation. Yeah, let's say I'm in a wheelchair. A chrome wheelchair. And I'm bald but with my big beard. Why did you handicap yourself so? for the theme for the look

maybe I'm not even crippled it's all a ruse wheels within wheels, that's the kind of villain I am I mean like I don't know what my master plan is once I get on Mars but I assume that I'll make just like a nice society up there is sort of the go.

Wheelchairs won't work on Mars. How do you feel about that? What do you mean? What? Gravity's not strong enough. The wheels wouldn't move properly. Can you make gravity? I guess if you're terraforming, probably.

I was living in a dome, so. The dome would have gravity, I guess. Yeah, I've got dome gravity. So you're not terraforming it anymore? Your diamond ray isn't a thing. My diamond ray didn't make a lot of sense. My diamond ray is the kind of thing people would look back on this Bond movie and be like, there's a lot of nonsense happening in this film.

No, no, no, no. It's just a dome city. Stephen King's under the dome. It's Stephen King's under the dome on Mars. Rockets on the moon. Bada bing, bada boom boom utopia on mars you know james bond's gonna stop you how he's gonna shoot you square in the head try and run away you can't in a wheelchair that is an anticlimactic end to this jake to mars raker just like

cold open that's how stupid your plan is. You don't get past minute five. It's one of those movies that's actually about Bond and his emotional state, and that's just the beginning set up. I'm like, aha, Bond, the rockets are... And he just walks away cleaning his gun. Why are the villains I face so stupid? That's his dilemma.

What am I doing? Damn it, Bond. I can't say that. I've got a bullet in my brain. All right. doing. Damn it, Bond. I can't say that. I've got a bullet in my brain. Alright, I think a moon into the Earth is a real good, at least like, um, ground like, beginning of a scheme

there, surely. It's cinematic, yeah. Yeah, like people like- Big old planet. It sounds more like a Dr. Evil thing than a James Bond thing. What if I take the moon? Get rid of it. Now i'm back on board what why why two questions why am i back on board and why are you taking them to eliminate werewolves gotta stop them no but if i get get rid of the moon then i could raise the water levels

somehow i'm sure there's a jump we could make there no it'd fuck the tide that's for sure all right we'll go back to colliding the moon with the planet planet with the moon planet with the moon now actually moving the earth no planet with the moon makes sense moon with the planet would be the other way around colliding the moon with the planet no that makes sense if you're crashing the moon into something no i'm colliding the moon with the moon makes sense. Moon with the planet would be the other way around. Colliding the moon with the planet. No, that makes sense if you're crashing the moon into something. No, if I'm colliding the moon with the planet, that's... Draw a die. No. Just be like, I'm going to collide Earth and the moon.

It sounds like you're moving Earth into the moon. What if you say I'm going to collide the moon and Earth? Actually, you know what? If I collide the Earth into the moon... No. Well, it's easier for me to do, because I'm on the Earth anyway. Earth, are you on Mars? And you are on Mars.

Plus, if I collide the Moon with the Earth, I just die. The Earth explodes, and I'm like, ah, of course. My bad. James Bond didn't even need to intervene. James Bond movie without James Bond. That's just like one man does a terrible thing. Okay, so step one, start my colony on Mellers. Okay?

Yeah. Step two has to be build the rockets on the moon I think that's going to be my hardest bit good I don't know if that's going to be hardest bit let's rank them in terms of difficulty colonizing Mars one

is that very difficult or not difficult at all very difficult rockets on the moon one also there's not really any other steps to my plan colliding the planet with the moon one also okay uh there's not really any other steps to my plan colliding the planet with the moon one if he has the rockets already on the moon it's at least the three he's halfway there i'll draw you a diagram arts and crafts informing the death here we go we get that's earth enough that's earth enough yeah we get the Earth enough? Yeah, we get the moon. Whoop, whoop, whoop.

There it is. And we get the rocket. Yep. And there's his Mars. Perfect. Do you get it now? How many rockets you... I mean, thank you for drawing two kind of planets

and a shit show in the middle. But, like, how many rockets are you putting on the moon? Because you need to tear the moon out of orbit. A lot, I guess. Surely, though, like... Also, how do rockets work in space? You know what? Well, that's how we get fucking rockets up into space.

Yeah, but you're thinking about it in like a fire thing. Well, that wouldn't work in space. It'd be thrusters. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, you're right. It's very Dr. Evil. So let's bring it back. Let's make it a bit more... Blofeld.

Blofeld. Instead of rockets to just fire like a bullet, let's make it control demolitions on the moon to knock it out of orbit and send it spiralling as it orbits Earth closer and closer That's clever, that sounds now more like a Bond film Because then Bond has a time limit

Before the moon hits the earth It's still a ridiculous Bond movie But he has a time limit Before the moon hits the earth to start my plans This is really the Roger Moore Bond This is almost a sequel to moonraker because he probably has to go back to the moon daniel craig ain't messing with anything he's not gonna go on the moon and make another explosion to send the moon in the other

direction which is what i assume is the the way to solve this uh scheme of mine i also just destroy the moon and replace it with a fake one? Well, difficult. Because the moment I destroy the moon, like, all of the shrapnel is going to... Asteroids. You just made an asteroid, right? And that's fine, but it's flashy.

Too flashy for Roger Moore. Maybe. Let's get even more Blofeld-y. Again, not good Blofeld blow but so i got one explosion on one side of the moon i detonated and then i come up on the big vid screen in front of the government and i'm like guess what moon's gonna get you up unless you give me a billion buckaroos then i'll if you do i've got another explosion sends it in the other direction solves a problem. Knocks it back into orbit. There you go, there's ransom. You're not destroying the entire

planet for no reason. I don't even have to have a Mars colony. No, no, no. Have the Mars colony. Have them give you the money. To start my Mars colony. And then just don't detonate the second thing and then Bond has to come kill you. Ah, ah.

And it succeeds, because you're just a man. And he is a James Bond. Plus I put myself in a wheelchair. But if you said you're not crippled, you could still run away. That'll trick him. I like to think I'd wheel away for ages before I'm like, oh, wait. I can run. Again, this is kind of a weird reference.

But sure. Have either of you played Final Fight on Super Nintendo? A very long time ago, yes. The final boss in that is in a wheelchair, and you kick him out a window. Oh, yeah. And I'm just getting flashbacks of that, but with you and Bond.

I mean, that's how I hope it ends. I hope I'm dropped into a smokestack. That's how Blofeld dies. Blofeld, yeah. That's a good way to go. That's such a dumb way to kill. It's the Blofeld dies. Yeah, that's a good way to go. That's such a dumb way to kill. It's the most ridiculous thing. That's fucking more ridiculous than sending the moon like a bullet into the earth.

All right, we've got this really iconic villain. What if we could just kill him at the start of a movie? Oh, okay. By dropping him in a smoke smoke. Lost a lot of the gravitas real quick. This is the last James Cain movie. Yeah, we're not going to do another 13 more of these. Can't remember if this has happened yet,

but it's very similar to when Captain Kirk had a bridge dropped on him. People loved that, right? Yeah, I like the way every time you said this, you've waved your hand like you're bloody JFK going on the emoticane, giving everyone a wave. We all know how that ended. Wow. Verbly Harvey Oswald.

Hey, got him. But then he got got. Yeah, well, that's what happens when you get a president. So I suppose the way it works. Yep. I vid screen them. Yo, moon's coming. Give me the bloody.

The goods. The dosh. Give me the business. Or the moon gets you. goods. The dosh. Give me the business. Or the moon gets you. I get the dosh. Take that dosh to Mars. Are you like, this is all chips? Oh, this is chips ass.

On Mars, I'm living the high life. Yep, because you've got tons of money, which is, you know, Earth dollars. Great in Mars. Spend them in all the stores. I didn't think about how there's no shops on Mondays Crap I get my people

I've got henchmen They go spend the money for me Bond flies to the moon Blows it up in the right direction Then he flies to Mars Shoots me in the head That sound good? Then he flew off into space

Did I float off into space or he does? Yo you do because you're dead Damn Like he shoots you and then you just yeah that's a good poetic way to die just slowly float away

with yeah I like that this has become like a like a fractured version of movie maintenance like a very wrong version

anyway that's my bond scheme and I think I'd get away with it I just think you're getting a bullet to your brain yeah considering you just think you're getting a bullet to your brain. Yeah, considering you just said you get shot and flown out into space.

How does that end with... You know actually how I get away with it? Mars is far away. Surely Bond's going to blow up the moon and be like, if I travel to Mars, that's like 20 years. I like to imagine what happens is he detonates the bomb on the moon but he like double powers it so then shoots into mars so the final shot of the film is me being like yes i succeeded with a big window behind me with the moon cut to black credits

fuck mars raker what what a film anyway top my scheme don't think it's possible if yours doesn't involve the moon I lose instantly yeah no mine doesn't involve the moon

that's sad because as a James Bond villain I like to think that the best Bond villains are always like ooh it's personal

and stuff like that and I will be someone this is kind of similar to the reveal that's in Skyfall I guess but mine's better okay i'm with you i'm going off to mi6 because i've got a personal vendetta and i'm going to trigger bombs that cause not mi6 to blow up but to fall into the ground sinkhole sinkhole sinkhole that's a good name for the film. Sinkhole. James Bond will return in Sinkhole.

That happens at the end of the credits for Marsraker. In the sinkhole. Imagine Skyfall, but just replace Skyfall with Sinkhole. And the sinkhole. I mean, that's not amazing. That's perfect. I like to imagine the opening. know like i've always got that opening montage animation for mars raker it's got like james bond like a james bond animated figure as

the moon spirals around the planet and smacks him in the back off into another stage yeah that's mars right and then sinkhole the next film in the trilogy yes it's just has the opening credits just slowly sinking into a hole but yeah sinkhole yeah so um yeah bond like they get like anonymous threats being like if m doesn't resign oh so you're after m yeah no q if q doesn't resign no one ever picks on q fuck q he's He's all his gadgets. I know, get in the field, Q. You don't know what it's like to kill a man.

So I'm off to Q. The worst photo on the internet is Desmond Llewellyn, who played Q, leaning against a tree holding two guns. I've never seen anyone holding two guns look uncool, but Desmond Llewellyn Looks the worst

Anyway I really like it Is it Die Another Day where he retires And then they just give it to John Cleese for a movie Really? Yes he's Q Because he's R in that movie And then the next one he's Q

So can you be Q and not have a Q name Is Q just like your code name Q is your code name Such as M is a code name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did it originally stand for? M actually stands for her name, though. It fits because they reveal her name in something. Her by Judi Dench.

Judi Dench, yeah. And I think that Ralph... I haven't seen Spectre. I should. No, they're fine. On Netflix, guys. Spectre's terrible. Don't watch it. I'm gonna watch it. That's really bad.

It's like they hated James Bond and made that movie. Adam will disagree, because he's like, it's classic Bond, but it's a real bad film. Skyfall was classic Bond. Skyfall was great. What a good time. Sinkhole, better. You've got MI6 in the hole.

They'll be like, why did you do this? Step one, MI6 in the hole. Step two. Well, it'll be like, why did he do this? Why did he sinkhole us? I sinkholed them. Maybe M dies. Okay.

Like, I kill M. Ralph Fine. Ralph Fine. Ralph Fine. Ralph Finn. Yep. Finny. I thought you were off to Q.

Yeah, I am M was a casualty Oh no And everyone's like Why would you do this Why are you torturing us I'm a janitor that's mad That Q didn't give me

A better equipment To clean MI6 And then I got fired For kicking up a stink hole I really Is that your fucking Villain name Stink hole

Um no I love that So Stink hole I'm also that. Stinkhole. I succeed and then I need to have another plan, I guess. Q gets moved to Parliament or something and then I go to sinkhole them.

It's like there's that scene where the new M is like Bond. Stinkhole is sinkhole. Anywhere Q is, you have to save him from being sinkholed. What I love though is that you can sinkhole anywhere Q is. You have to save him from being sinkholed. What I love, though, is that- Or you could sinkhole all the tall monuments. Yes!

And they keep putting them in taller and taller buildings. I can't wait to sinkhole Big Ben. That would be like a monumental scene in cinema that is spoken about for at least 15 years. You have to sinkhole it as Bond is fighting one of your henchmen on Big Ben as it descends. And then he has to stand up like he's on one of the hands of the clock

as it sink holes into the ground and he steps off the hand as he defeats the henchman just onto the busy London streets and someone's like, go blimey! Big Ben's ain't so big now, is he fella? Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Big Ben's ain't so big now is he fella credits I like that so like you're a janitor

you're like Q Q's like what cleaning the toilets is real shit I hate my broom give me a broom with gadgets in it you're not an agent no you're like I'm sinkholing this whole place I'm taking them fucking down

that's my plan I need to stop eating chips I'm so sorry you do Zama's gonna be so mad he told me not to before this episode you had a whole discussion where you're like I'm not gonna even eat chips but you did I only ate little ones but I can hear how loud they are

I could hear it I I get the headphones on it was loud I'm so sorry listeners, I have stopped I didn't even say a thing that's loud so let me just go through your steps step one step one

step one, get fired Q, I hate my room he's like you're not a field agent and then M's like you're not a field agent And then M's like You're fired So step two is get fired M's like So you're playing now

Oh no That's not my plan Not the beats of the movie Oh that wasn't That was my story arc Yeah no Your plan Your scheme

Step one Kill Q Get a better broom So that's the end result Yeah I want a gadget broom. Okay, so you've got your gadget broom. Oh, no, I just want revenge at this point. Yeah.

So step one, sinkhole MI6. Uh-huh. Step two. Which is a retaliation to sinkhole MI6, because I only killed M and not Q. So step two, sinkhole wherever Q is. Yep. Step three, sinkhole Big Ben.

Uh-huh, and that's the three sinkholes of the film? Yep, and then... That's the arc? You're told in sinkholes? Maybe i go to sinkhole the river thames at the end and then that's where bond finds me and i get a bullet in the brain and then you end up floating in the space join your body that's floating around just bump into my body in order or

I get like four shots to the chest and kicked into a sinkhole and as the sinkhole engulfs me I'm just like worth it died the way

I was almost named stinkhole instead I was stinkhole I hope somebody in the film points out on the nose

that your name is stinkhole and I hope somebody in the film points out on the nose that your name is Stinkhole and your sort of theme is sinkholes. And someone's like, why didn't they call him Stinkhole? And everyone's like, I don't know. He was a janitor. They called him Stinkhole because I guess he often cleaned stinky holes.

I don't know. James Bond is going to be like, this is so not worth my time. I guess if you're sinkholing the River Thames. Sinkholing is not an adjective. It is now. It is to stinkhole. To stinkhole a friend or enemy.

Sinkholing is an adjective for the purposes of this episode almost. Don't use it outside of the context of talking about James Bond schemes or people will mock and laugh you. Laugh you. Laugh you good. So does that mean the climactic battle of Sinkhole is Are you on like a riverboat?

As it whirlpools down? Yeah, and I'm holding a broom just whacking Bond with it. You've got your gadget broom by the end. Oh. I imagined you would. Yeah, when I broke, like when MI6 sinks. You've got to kidnap Q. I do have to kidnap Q. You've got to get him to build you the ultimate gadget broom.

And then I'm fighting Bond, who then is for some reason also using his, we're hand to hand combating. And then I imagine he just pulls out a gun and shoots me. Brat, brat, brat, four times in the chest.

And I fall into the river Thames as it's being engulfed in the sinkhole, but he sort of stopped it. So I don't think it just drains the river. Maybe my body clogs the hole. Just plug that hole. Bond's like, I did it. And then he leaves and everyone's like... And then it credits. A permanent fix for this problem.

This man's corpse will surely keep this plug. Just leave him there. It's fine. So, yeah. I kill M when I sinkhole mi6 i then go to kill bond who i know is coming after me by sinkholing big ben as he fights one of my henchmen he kills a henchman steps off oh god blimey that's fucking not so big ben anymore uh-huh that classic line yeah yeah that's what people quote in the schoolyard. Yep. And then, whilst that fight's happening,

I kidnap Q, and then I'm like, I will kill him with my gadget broom. He will die at his own creation. The hand of his own creation. And then I'm on the River Thames

on a boat. And it's sinkholing. Because, I guess it would, I don't know maybe you're like fuck this room I guess this is why all the secret services

are coming after me I'm like you're like gotta sinkhole take to the sea yeah take to the Thames take to the Thames and then I sinkhole them

as they're chasing me behind and then like boats are yeah you're caught in your own sinkhole oh wow yeah I guess I guess this is why movies have more than one draft.

I really like that. I think it might be basically just one more. Get Gable. One more pass. I like that Mars Riker is clearly Roger Moore. I'm imagining Daniel Craig in my head. Yeah, me too. It shouldn't be

but I just it's because it's more down to earth than Icebreaker down to earth into earth I think it's just it's just because

it's not in space if I'm honest with you I think well which Bond is more likely to kick a dude into a sinkhole than Daniel Craig

it's true yeah Daniel Craig he'll do it it was when I was talking about the Big Ben fight because I also imagined him impaling

someone on the hands. Your right hand man who I just imagine is another janitor, I guess. He's not even trained. He's like, he's not really hand to hand.

He's just like cowering. He just tries to hit him. It's more like a chase. Down Big Ben. Yeah. So, Mars Raker? Sinkhole? Sinkhole?

What have you got? I don't have a name for mine yet. That's all right. We'll just stop. Modern day Bond villains seem to take up, like, issues. They seem to be, you know, like that one about TV ratings. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Tomorrow Never Dies. Yeah. Jonathan Pryce, I think. I think that was Tomorrow because tomorrow never dies was really called tomorrow never lies and they fucked it up and they were like oh dies looks like more like a bond name we'll use it it's good no because that was about newspapers selling by predicting future disasters by creating them and then printing them before they did it thanks james bond that's a bloody ripper plot and what the the the there one about oil a couple of years ago, yeah?

Yeah, that's true. It's always a bit topical. Quantum of Solace was about oil, yeah. They wanted to turn the ocean into oil, yeah? Yeah. Sure. Wasn't The World is Not Enough also about oil? There was oil pipelines in that one.

Oh, yeah, yes. That's right. I don't think anybody really knows what Quantum of Solace was about. I don't think anybody on the planet remembers that film. If you ask someone to give you the plot, they're like Daniel Craig is an uncredited writer on that because it happened during the writer's strike, so they were writing the script whilst filming.

And if that doesn't tell you just everything you need to know about Quantum of Solace. Like, look at Daniel Craig he's not a writer. Just look at him he's barely an actor. So what issue have you taken up? I'd like to be a Bond villain that's a a writer. Just look at him. He's barely an actor. So what issue have you taken up? I'd like to be a Bond villain that's a cyber bully. Oh, yeah. Cyber bully Bond.

I love it. Like release all his Tinder match-ups and stuff. So just hurt Bond where it counts. Yeah. Emotionally. In his heart. And, you know, hack his iCloud And release all his Photos and stuff

You're almost Embarrassing selfies You're almost like Like a Like a Snowden Style Yes Yes exactly right

And it's like Oh my god The Bond leaks And you're like These are gonna be really Oh okay It's just Julian Assange

Looks like a Bond villain He does And it would be good To have an Australian Bond villain We have not had An Australian Bond villain That's does. And it would be good to have an Australian Bond villain. We have not had an Australian Bond villain. That's true.

I'm Australian Bond, though. We can't get greedy. Name's Bond. James Bond? Yeah. Call me Bondo. Or Bondi. James Bondi.

That's good. So what are your steps? What's the steps of your plan? I don't know. That's about it. That's a good plan. That's a good start. Having like an MI6 twitter account but changing the m uh the i to a lowercase l so people think

it's the real mi6 getting verified that's the steps to success that's what it takes that's how it starts i imagine this film as like m is checking the like tweets she's like, this ain't right. This isn't us. And then it just spirals from there. What about when James Bond retaliates? Because he will. Sure. Tell him that he's fat, I guess. Isn't that what cyber bullies do?

That's what they do to me anyway. That and my friends. That is a good way to hurt James Bond Hey James Bond You're a fatty I feel like The benefit you have as a villain there is that You can do that anonymously from anywhere

And James Bond is going to just struggle to track you down Really you've got to just wear him down Emotionally with harsh words The easiest way to kill James Bond Is to have James Bond kill himself Exactly Yeah totally Get the trolls onto him harsh words. The easiest way to kill James Bond is to have James Bond kill himself. Exactly. Yeah, and yeah, totally, get the trolls onto him.

Release my army of trolls. If you get 4chan to just dox James Bond till he's just like, his life is a living hell, he's getting spam from like everywhere, mail coming to wherever, whatever fucking little geeky shit I like like his car phone but yeah it's nothing but spam all the time imagine in the middle of like

another james bond mission he just keeps getting calls from telemarketers in the middle of like a fight he's like hello oh my god i don't need insurance i'm fine um i feel like you could break james bond Bond down without ever meeting him face to face, if I'm honest with you. Yeah. I don't think he'll... You'll never encounter him, but you'll get him good. Why are you attacking him? For the lols.

Yeah, like all cyberbullies. For the lols. That's true. Maybe when James Bond comes, it's like any cyberbully. You're just like, oh, it's happened in reality.'s like it's like like any cyber bully you're just like ah it's happened in reality like James Bond

doesn't have to fight you you're just like oh I'm sorry and also like yeah Bond tracks it down and he's like why why did you do this to me

what did I ever do to you like nothing did it for the lols and then he puts a bullet in your brain and sends you to space and you bump the two of us

what a strange arc if this is like revitalizing bond it's the only way they mark the trilogy is just the fact that your corpse is floating around it's real weird that there's roger moore bond daniel craig and this sounds like daniel craig again yeah daniel i'm imagining which is also funny to imagine daniel craig getting bullied and you're getting real upset in the car and like just pulling over and they're like we're in a chase and he's like why are people so mean because i think james bond could deal with somebody punching him in the face he could deal with getting shot in the leg of the ball sack but i don't think he could deal with somebody saying a really harsh thing he seems like an emotionally

fragile even though he's quite emotionally tough. I think it would just be about finding his weak spots. What do you reckon Daniel Craig or James Bond is like he's, you know, he's self-conscious about? How's your mum? Is she good? Dead? Dead. Dead ass.

She's hot. I'll fuck her. I'd fuck your mum, James Bond. Stop calling. In many ways, I think Inspector, he gets a bit cyber bullied. Oh, really? Maybe. He gets a bit bullied at least.

Teach him about England. That's what he cares most about, yeah? England loves you. The Queen Mother is a bloody idiot. I refuse to call the Queen the Queen. I call her Lizzie. What are you going to do, James? I have no respect.

I would never wipe my feet before I fucking walk into fucking... What's the name of the place? Buckingham Palace? Buckingham Palace. I was going to say Winchester Hall or something. It's a made-up name. Bombay Sapphire. It's a cocktail. Bombay sapphire is a gin oh i like to imagine that you are another um field agent like bond you just really don't

like him as he's like the most reasonable aussie brands just hanging shit on him from exactly just the australian i really just want to see a Bond fight in Australia because he's never been to Australia has he? He hasn't. He's been everywhere else. Yeah.

Foreign. He's a bloody world traveler. We've got so many cool places to do fights. He could kick a man off the Sydney

Harbor Bridge. Yeah. Off the Opera House. Off the All-A-Room. Get to the top. Fight on a Melbourne tram.

Throw a man in front of a tram. Yeah. Those things are like rhinos on skateboards. I don't know if you know that. That's a Melbourne tram. Throw a man in front of a tram. Yeah. Those things are like rhinos on skateboards. I don't know if you know that. That's a whole campaign. If you're listening from even interstate, because Sydney doesn't have trams,

there is a big thing in Melbourne that is just like, don't get hit by a tram. It's like three rhinos on a skateboard. Yep. Just in case you didn't know the trams would hurt. In case you thought it would be fine. I'll just stand in front of the tram, it'll stop.

The market that appeals to that is the target audience for that ad campaign is people that know that rhinos hurt but aren't quite sure if trams do. That's so true. I hope there's something for the opposite. Tarzan, I guess.

I don't know if marketing campaigns... Directed solely at Tarzan. Bloody Tarzan. Well, he doesn't know about the city. Somebody's got to educate him. And I'm glad the city of Melbourne have taken it into their hands. Somebody in the bloody Melbourne, they're like, Look, what if Tarzan comes?

He'll be so confused by trains. What, he'll get hit by one. You know what he's used to, though? Rhinos. Rhinoceros, yes. On skateboard. He doesn't quite know what a skateboard is. But wheels.

He gets wheels. Then it should have been like, it'll be like a rhino on wheels. You know? We fucked up. Tarzan's going to get hit by a train. What do we call your film film cybered cyber cyber yeah lols bullied bullied bond the gate bond gate bond gate bully gate cyber gate cyber gate it sounds real generic which is what you want if you saw like a poster for Cybergate

and it was just James Bond with his phone and crying. You'd know. Him deleting Twitter off his phone. I'm blocking you all. James, no thank you. James Bond Instagram account deleted. So credits for Mars Raker role James Bond will return in sinkhole

as I float off into space with a bullet in my brain after being sucked into a sinkhole popped out the other side of the world as you sink down the sinkhole and then it just shows the planet pop out the other end James Bond will return in cybergate Like the planet. Just pop out of the other end.

James Bond will return in... Cybergate. Cybergate. Perfect. At the end of that, did you just get bombed? Did you win? Me? Did I win? No, no, no.

I don't know. He's upset. That's fine. I think he tracks you down. He's like, why? Why did you do this? And you're like, for the walls. And then he probably hits you with his gun.

Hits me with a tram. Throws you in front of a tram there you go because it's in australia because that's what you wanted were you talking in this no he was julian assange ah but a mean one but a mean one who's gonna get hit by a tram yeah julian assange is pretty mean anyway yeah i always forget edward snowden's the good one jul Joel Massage's the, uh, one. Guess which one we are. Edward Snowden. And on that note,

I've been Jackson Bailey. Well, I have been. I didn't give myself a Bond villain name. I'll just say Jackson. That's fine. Jackson of Mars. Jackson of Mars. Jackson, the new king of Mars. And I've been Joel Stinkholder show

well when you put it in your name and I've been Michael just for the lols Williams

perfect if you have good ideas for bonus games tweet us at sanspence radio yeah and make sure

you check out Michael's podcasts it's a duck blur and pop shot hot quiz pop quiz hot shot what

pop quiz hot shot that makes way more sense I know the podcast too that makes a lot of sense

why don't you say pop quiz shot hot how about you plug yourself Michael don't fuck it up some of my other

podcasts pop quiz hot shot which is a movie trivia podcast and it's a duck blur How about you plug yourself, Michael? Don't fuck it up. Some of my other podcasts, Pop Quiz Hotshot, which is a movie trivia podcast, and It's a Duck Blur where I watch every episode of DuckTales with my wife. Check them out. Both are great. Both have good names. Remember them better than I do. See you next time.

If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.