Plumbing the Death Star - If You Were a Pokemon Trainer What Type of Pokemon Trainer Would You Be?

Episode Date: August 26, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; If You Were a Pokemon Trainer What Type of Pokemon Trainer Would You Be?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sass Pants Radio, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Hey everyone, just a quick update on our Get Posh UK tour before the show starts. This week, we're going to be in a bunch of cold places, apparently going through their summer. On Thursday, we'll be in Glasgow, which is 100% sold out. Friday, we're in Newcastle, which has only six tickets left as of recording this ad. Saturday, we're in Leeds, which is sold out. But don't be sad, Leeds. We're back on the Sunday with a completely different topic

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so get in quick. Once again, that's sanspanseradio.com slash live for links and where we'll be performing next. Good evening, listeners. It is I, Joel Dusha, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, if you were a Pokemon trainer, my good friends,

what type of Pokemon trainer would you be? I'm always happy when you introduce the episode like a Dracula. Can I outsource? What, your Pokemon training? Are you passing it off to someone else? That is the most Joel Zammett thing I've ever heard. Also, can I train them? Yes!

Hell yeah, Cass! So Cass has twice the amount of Pokemon. Because I love them! Is that legal? Nah, six at max, surely. You have six on the front, Cass, and your little belt, and then you have six behind a big jacket that you wear. I got trench coat pocket mugs. Nah, she's carrying my jacket, or like my belt,

up near Joel Zammett. That's the thing, I got two belts on. People come along, they're like, oh, Zammett, where's your belt? Yeah, Cass's got one. I'm micromanaging my Pokemon training. I like the idea of having Pokemon, and I like wrestling them

at night before I go to bed, and that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Cass will walk the Pokemon, fight the Pokemon, feed the Pokemon, but I'll give it Pats. So you're basically just staying at home, and Cass goes out and does the Pokemon adventure. So, weekend dad.

Look, I'll have a car, so I'll give you lifts to the gym, I guess. Two-hour, Dad. There's a car in Pokemon. Yeah, there's not many cars. You're giving her a lift on maybe a bike. Are you the taxi driver in Pokemon? Sure.

You're the only one with a car. Yeah, there's a taxi driver. I think there's a van in Ruby and Sapphire. Those are the cars. I will have a van. It's full of machops. It is yours. I don't know. It's one of them machop vans.

I just picked it up. Get rid of them. They feel like they came with the van just like they could lose something if they weren't there. Machop. See, you need them. Machop. Machops are the little ones. They shouldn't be having such a deep voice Machop

Machop Machop Machop Machop That's the only way that works Yeah that's deep Yeah They're like the bop to

You know my cassette of The Macarena They can do so many moves at once Yeah Oh my god they could do a round of the Macarena But physically That's really scary to imagine Getting in the back of a Machop van They can do so many moves at once? Yeah. Oh, my God, they could do a round of the Macarena, but physically. That's really scary to imagine getting in the back of a Machop van and getting Machopped.

Like, in a circle, like, you're kicking you. Low-kicked the shit out of. What are you, now a mob boss or something? I guess. Hey, get in the van. I just got my Pokemon to cast, and now I've found a Machop van. Life's wild. That's how, you know, you never know what's coming. I've found a Machop van. Life's wild. That's how, you know, you never know what's coming next.

Oh, sweet, a free van. Oh, it's a Machop van. Oh, well, this'll do. Did you just steal? Man. Man, well, you know, what's going on? Look, hey, did I steal it or did I just, you know, happen to come across a van?

The keys were not there. So, look, so I might have hardwired the van. Is that stealing? Is that stealing? Would you call that stealing a van? I like that because there it looks like my hardwired the van is that stealing would you call that stealing a van i like that because there are so few so few vehicles in pokemon that almost immediately they'd be like the guy with the van has my van what are you talking about this wasn't my van you're crazy my chops get him, get him into Machop's circle. So what do you need to do? What does training a Pokemon entail?

Leveling it up. You have to pick what kind of trainer you are. Like, are you going to stick to one particular type of Pokemon? Oh, my gosh. As well, you need to think that. Mine will be all the cute ones, and I will be living my childhood fantasy of not quite, I don't know. When I was younger, I was like, why can't we drug puppies so that they never grow up?

But you can do that in Pokemon without drugs. You just get stones. Yeah, you just shove everstones in them. And I'm the monster. That's good. Are you going to evolve Zammets? Do you care? No, he doesn't.

You think he's in charge. I'll be like, hey, Cass, we've got a lot of these Thunderstones. You can use them, yeah? Sick. All right, we bought them. Good. It's like three years in. There's just still a lot of Pichus, the baby Pikachu,

and you're like, shouldn't they be big? Cass, what happened? I don't know Pokemon because I don't do any of the training, but shouldn't they be big? Pretty sure I gave you some Thunderstones, and I was chatting to that guy, and he was saying something about the Pokemon evolved, yeah?

Yeah, it's pretty weird, eh? Do we still have them? Oh, no, they ate them. They ate the stones. They ate the stones. That's what they do? Yeah. Chomp them up. Crush them and eat them. Anyway, how's your machop there?

Any machokes in there yet? I got one. That's scary because, yeah, they'd, like, fight each other until there was just a machamp. Machop's just beating the shit out of each other. You're, like, driving. You're like, something's going on back there. Light explodes out. Oh, they're revolving.

What is that sound? I'm about to say there's just a big forearm Machamp in there. No, you can only get a Machamp if you swap. So that means that when you get out of your van one day, you're just like, hey, do you want a Machoke? And then it just walks across and then turns into a Machamp. That's weird. Oh, wait, no.

You stole the van and got a Machamp. No, if there was any Machokes in there, you would get a Machamp. It's a playground for Machamp. You stole the van and got him a champ. No, if there was any Machokes in there, you would get him a champ. Yeah, he's up like that. Yeah. Stealing a van and evolving the Pokemon because you stole a van is very good. That is good. It's supreme.

Yeah, go on. He's doing all right. Yeah, all right. Good. Bang, bang, bang. Do you have to feed him? What? Pokemon?

Cass, I'm asking you. Well, in certain games you can give them little snacks, which I would do. Okay. You give them, like, little taffy, yeah? They've got... There are all these different ones because there are the berries, there are the... Pokeblocks?

Oh, I've not had those before. They're the ones where you go to do the little mini game, yeah? Yeah. Pokeblocks are the ones where you blend berries. Yeah. Then you make them, you give it to your Pokémon and then they get more beautiful. Or more cool. Super food.

Right, so how do I make my Machamp? You said Machamp? What's his name? You Machamp? Zammett has outsourced his Pokémon to UCAS, but still ended up with one. I gave them all nicknames and they no longer respect you. So this is my machete. No, no, no. His name's Army now.

Okay. Do I need to feed Army? What do I feed Army? He wants to be cool. He's got four arms. You need to give him the right number of Pokeblocks. You can give him some Galettes or Pokepuffs. What are Galettes? $10? $20?

Oh, they're $50. Here's $200. Go get me some, they're 50. Here's 200. Go get me some. Oh, did you want me to feed all of your Pokemon? Yeah. That's a grand. Sure. No worries, sweetie.

Should we tell Simon he's being scammed? Do you wanna? Do you know how strong my Pichu is? Yeah, nah, I'm good. Just bring me back some stuff for the machete. Yeah. I mean, the army. What I really like, Cass,

is that because you would be getting all the badges, and we know Pokemon don't, like, they don't respect you if you don't have the badge. Every time you bring them back for Zamet, they just attack you. You're just like, oh, army. Either side of the head. Claps you in your ears, makes you deaf.

As you're about to do that, you're trying ears, makes you deaf. How's he about to do that? You're trying to honk me, can't you? I'm not good, Dad. I'm so bruised on the side of my head. You can ask him to stop. He went to sleep. Like, please stop, just does it again. Maybe I have to ask him to stop. Well, please stop. Did you want have to ask him to stop.

Did you want me to ask him to stop? Hey, army, come here. Reach that thing for me. I'm still the same height. My champ, my champ, my champ, my champ. Thanks, army, for being my armies.

This is a good situation because you gave Cass your six Pokemon, then found him a chop van, then somehow she ended up raising you a Machamp that you ended up with accidentally. I've got Machamp, but every now and again, Cass comes and feeds Machamp, takes it out to a gym, brings it back. I like the idea of clap you on the ears,

but then his two other hands punch you in the gut. In the kidney. Claps your ears into the back. Dacky. Power play. You can't hear how dumb you look. What's happening? I can't hear my pants around my ankles.

Why? Just trip over and fall down some stairs. Why did I answer this? Am I respected in the community? Was this a powerful play? It doesn't feel powerful. I've left. You couldn't hear me go.

Cass? Cass? Cass? Do they fear me, Cass? Army, pick me up. I think I've broken a leg. Oh, God. No.

Thank you. You're here, Army. Boom, boom, boom. I just like the idea of like, Army, army, I can't hear you. Where are you? I can't hear you more now. Oh, God. You killed me, Kat.

Not technically me. Meeting up with you later on and the sides of your face being purple with bruises. You all right? Yeah. What? Would you say I'm feared? Would you say I'm in the community?

Am I respected? Four. Is Cass at least respected? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, good. Massive. So many thumbs up and shaking heads.

I would say people fear her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they know of me? Oh, they know of you? I think everyone's heard of you at this point. Just ask anyone. But not now. You know Van Guy?

New Van Guy? Yeah. You mean that guy that had a machamp and always has bruises on his face? Yep. Yeah, him.

How do you feel about him? Oh, you know what? Don't answer that. Oh, yeah. He was gonna say he respects you. That's good. What?

No, was it? I was gonna say he's a fuckhead. What? Dumbest man in town. Did he say he respects you. That's good. What? No, was it? I was gonna say he's a fuckhead. What? Dumbest man in town. Did he say he likes me? Yeah, he says you're sick, man. Oh, good. I forgot he's deaf and a fucking idiot.

It's so good to be respected. What I like as well is that you... The moment you're like, I need to get out there. You don't understand Pokemon battles. So even if Cass was losing, you're like, am I winning? Oh, yeah, man. You're doing so well. We do well, Cass.

We did so well. Sick. Thank God I can go home. I can go back to driving my Machamp around. And doing whatever it was. Where do you want to go, Machamp? Machamp, Machamp. To the beach, I guess.

You're driving. It reaches its forehands around and just takes control of the wheel. Okay, yeah, no. Where are we going? It's like, oh, you're strong enough to do this. She must have trained you so well. Where are we going, buddy? Do you want me to accelerate? Its foot just comes on top of mine.

I guess we're doing that. I'm just now imagining the Machamp putting you in a Pokeball. It just picks me up next to me, starts driving, looks at me, opens up the glove compartment, grabs a Pokeball. The tables, they have to. You're going to put yourself back in that ball, huh? That's real cool. Why are you throwing at me?

Okay. Not my bruised ear. Not my bruised side. So yeah, we know what type of Pokemon trainer you'll be now, Joel Zammett. I respect it. It's respected and feared by the community for his powerful plays in not only outsourcing his Pokemon, but stealing Vans. Jackson, you've always struck me as the type of Pokemon trainer that would just have six of the same Pokemon. A lot of dittos.

Yeah, I was going to say. And everyone's like, why do you just have dittos? I'm like, a ditto is every Pokemon. Idiot. Oh, you would. I imagine, well, see, I was imagining six marks. I'm like, look at my dittos.

They're a bit dirty, but they're good. That's a rhyme. Shut up. I don't know why they say that. I don't know. I don't think they're meant to say ditto. I don't know. I'm not sure. Say ditto. Grimer. Shut up. I don't know why they say that. I don't think they're meant to say ditto. I don't know.

I'm not sure. Say ditto. Grimer. I don't know what the fuck it tastes. Must be an accent. They smell. I got them from out of town. They just stink. That's great because I imagine I'm like,

time to be a Pokemon trainer. I just go behind my house where there's an aqueduct and all these Grimers. I'm like, fuck, there we go. Fuck, look at all these Dittos. Did it. Got all the Dittos already. Got every Ditto I need. Imagine picking one up, cramming it

into a bowl. Get fucking in. You got a funnel? Yeah, you need one of these. I'm a trainer. I'm a pretty good Pokemon trainer. I don't know. Entering a battle being like, transform! Just doesn't. I guess it kind good Pokemon trainer. I don't know. And during a battle being like, transform. Just doesn't.

I guess it kind of looks like an Eevee. I guess it's kind of got that look about it. Yeah, good. All right. I don't know Eevee's moves. Thunderbolt. Just use one of them. Go.

Acid. All right. Didn't know Eevee could do that. That's fine. Yeah, fuck. Sick. Guess I got one of them poison Eevee could do that That's fine Neat, yeah, fuck, sick Guess I got one of them poison Eevees Fuck, that's sick I like to think I don't actually have any Pokeballs

I just have a long jacket with a lot of pockets Which are just leaking and I'm constantly I sink like garbage and I'm wet And you like, it just slowly eats through your jacket Gotta keep getting a new one I also imagine every gym leader I I just go in and threaten them. Give me the badge. Hey, Lieutenant Serge.

You're in war, yeah? I'll set this place on fire. I just imagine you with a lead pipe. Leaking Grimace. Hey, Lieutenant Serge, I'm filthy and will kill you. Give me the fucking badge. I know you got one. Giss. Fucking giss. Give me the fucking match. I know you got one. Yes.

Fucking guess. He chucks one at you and gets stuck in a grimer. You're like, fuck. Give me another one. That one's basically lost. You know I used to have keys? I don't know where they are. It's very funny to imagine me like it goes into the grimer.

I'm like, fuck. I get down on my hands and knees, pull the grimer out, just start like pouring through it, separating it, it looking for it pulling out a whole bunch of stuff this wouldn't fucking happen if you didn't touch it grimer you fucking idiot try to hit it my hand just goes it makes like a slap in the water noise fucking Ditto. These Dittos are fucking terrible to look down and search. You're like the only one in the town whose Pokemon learned to speak and all they wanted to say was, please. Free us.

Put us back in the sewer. Whim is the aqua dog. I like to imagine meeting a guy with a Ditto and I'm like, fuck, yours is clean. He's like, huh. Just jump cut to you with like a bucket of soap, dunk in your Grimers. I just want to get clean.

Try to shove it through a sieve. Why won't you filter out? You're a filthy ditto. So filthy. Grimer. Why do you keep saying that? Say that's not your name? You're a ditto.

Say ditto. Maybe if I yell at them enough, they'll be like, Gr-ditto. Okay. That's much better. Funnily enough, I think Grimer might actually learn Transform. That's the best. So you could legitimately make that mistake.

Just going to make a bunch of hideous, mucky, grimy EVs. I'm like, yeah, there we go. That's what EV looks like. Just dirty EV. You'd gaslight all your Grimers to the point where they would learn some words to try and help themselves learn they couldn't. So they would live their life permanently transformed into a ditto until you ask them to do something else.

And they're just like, oh, it can be something else. Like, you go to bed, they turn into a grimer again. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I like that idea because one of the best things about ditto is that you could take him to the daycare centre and it would breed with any Pokemon to get a baby. Like, yeah, there we go.

Like, why do I just keep getting grimes? Why do I keep getting filthy dittos? I just keep getting dirty Dittos. I want a clean Ditto. I don't even want a Ditto. I want a fucking Rhyhorn. You're going back in there. You can make me a Rhyhorn.

Get your fuck on, Ditto. It's very rude. Clean yourself. It's very rude of the people at the Daycare Center when they're like, yeah, just give us two Pokemon. I give them that and a Grimer, and they're like, what do you hope to achieve? Well, you know, when they're like, yeah, just give us two Pokemon, and I give them that and a Grimer, and they're like, what do you hope to achieve? Well, you know, whatever

that Pokemon is, I'll get one, because of ditto. Ditto! Yeah. Say? Say I get a ditto out of it, or a Grimer, whatever, goodbye! What are the other filthy Pokemon? Because I think I'll get a team of filthy Pokemon. I think Coughing,

Wheezing, and Muck. I'll use Coughing, because he floats. Tie a team of filthy Pokemon. I think Koffing, Weezing, and Muk. I'll use Koffing because he floats. Tie a rope to Koffing, tie a rope around my waist, float around the Pokemon realm. I think that's the way to go. Dripping Grimer wherever I go. There's like three garbage-based Pokemon, basically. So there's Koffing, which is-

Oh yeah, Trubbish. Yep. It's a pile of trash. Love that guy. So there's like a gas one, a liquid one, and a solid, which is Trubbish, Grimer, and coughing. It's great because now I just imagine I go in the aqueduct, I see them all, I'm like, people think catching Pokemon is hard. There are so many ones here anyway. They're all good, and one Zubat.

Just uses Screech all the time. Won't stop. I'd like smack it on the table a bit, it still wonch all the time. Won't stop. I'd like smack it on the table a bit. It still won't stop screaming. I don't know. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Whee, whee. Yeah, it sucks, but I don't know how to shut it up.

Justin, have you ever thought of buying Pokeballs? What? Do you know how expensive they are? What is a Pokeball? I keep them in brown paper bags. Stapled to my pants. Go Zubat! Huck the paper bag.

It just kind of flaps awkwardly out of the air. Use a bat move. I don't know. Oh, now you're not screaming. Scream! Hang on. Sometimes I stand on it a little bit it'll let out a scream poor fucking bug trainer mike or whatever being like you can just win this one man bug trainer mike you clearly want it more give us your money just like fucking a paper bag Just dripping Go ditto

Hold on he'll seep out Grime What? Ditto Why do you have a dead rat in this paper bag? Oh that's for a different reason Mate your rat is dead What? Just give it to the zoo bat he'll eat it Oh, that's for a different reason. Mate, your Rattata's dead. What?

Ah! I'll just give it to the zoo bat. He'll eat it. It's so hard to kill. How did you kill it? I didn't feed it. You don't have to feed the dinos. When I stapled it to my belt, I wasn't careful.

I stapled its head accidentally. Okay, so I'm also starting to okay i find your belt i go to your house and find your pokemon officer jenny issued belt and i start poaching yours and replacing them with like oh like jelly bath or something i start filling your pockets with jelly bath and slowly claiming all of your grimers i will not be able to tell the difference. One day you see a lot of real dirty looking dittos with bows. What the fuck?

Who cleaned up my dittos? But not heaps at the same time. Hey, my ditto's pretty. Who turned my dittos into clean Grimers? It's very funny. It's great if you get dittos and you're like, Jackson, here's six dittos. This is what you want. I'm like, no, weird, clean Grimes. And then you're like, I need to get his ones away.

Okay, ditto, can you transform into a Grimer? So he can't tell the difference. There we go. There's my classic dirty dittos. Off we go. The boys are back. And then you can look after my Grimers. I'm just going to abuse the dittos. Off we go. The boys are back and then you can look after my grimers. I'm just going to abuse the dittos.

Why are you so dirty? I'm going to clean you again. Turn back. These are some clean grimers. I've been tricked. Damn it, Cass. These are some clean ass grimers. I'm going to dirty them up.

People are going to make fun of me for being a prissy boy with my clean grimes. Chucking dittos in, like, a filthy pond. Why aren't you mucked yet? Get dirtier! Be more purple! What the fuck? I'm tipping these out. Mucking them into a lake.

You put them in the aqueduct like you'll grime up Eventually you'll be filthy and grimy Still not putting two and two together They turn into pigeons and fly back to me What the fuck Did I not know how dittos work Holy shit Stop that

What just happened Why are my dittos birds? I thought they just clonked or whatever. I don't know. I don't understand this at all. I'm going to go lie down. That's great because- A van driven by I'm a champ drives by me in the wind, like the passenger seat mouthing, help me.

Who was that? Oh, that guy that's fearsome. That's right. I remember him. What a day. Today's been good. Time to go get a sandwich. In my mind, I still have the paper bag with a Rattata stapled to my chest

that's bleeding down the front. Jackson, your Rattata okay? Yeah, should be. They can't die, right? They can't die. We could just faint. I'll just go to Pokemon Center. I'm not allowed back, so.

Pokemon, they put down, they're like, oh, there's extra space. I'm feeling poorly. I'll climb on that as well. Climbing over the counter awkwardly, pushing the Pokeballs, curling fetal position on it, turn it on. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. I feel sick. What did you just do?

Oh, wait. That was just my sandwich. Pop it up a grimer. What? How did you get in there? No wonder they're dirty. It all makes sense now. I'm dirtying them up myself in May.

Where's my clean grommets? I got a great idea. Did you know the average trainer will swallow seven grommets in his sleep? So bad. Because it's quite big. Sliding into your mouth. Because it'll be like. Sliding into your mouth. Because it'd be like...

Grimer. In my mind, the Grimer is quite a panicked look on his face. It was just traveling over your body, and now it's going into your guts. Do you know what it's done? You've taken it away from the ActoDuct. It was just traveling over your body and now it's going into your guts. Do you know what it's done? You've taken it away from the actal duct. It needs moisture. Right, it needs to be wet.

The only time it gets moisture is when you try and clean it into a ditto and it's the wrong kind of wet. Or when I spit on it because I'm mad at it. I'm opening up a farm that all of you are banned from. Actually, maybe not. Joel, how would you raise your... Well, the end.

Thanks for listening. I'd probably just have, like, smug... What's the smuggest Pokemon? Abra. Fuck that guy. I like the idea. Imagine me with a Graveler that just looks real happy with itself. That is good.

You are absolutely a one Pokemon kind of guy, and when they're like, well, don't you need a team? You're like, nah. Look how confident my Graveler is. Yeah, Graveler does look confident and happy. It's the you of Pokemon. Yeah. Like, you're making the smug face

that I'm imagining the Graveler to have. Absolutely. I'd be mad at you because I'd be like, how'd that come from a Geodude? Got big. Yeah, got more arms than big. Hey, do you want to borrow it for a second? We've got to give it back. Yeah, all right.

Now it's a Golem. That's even more ridiculous. That's a boulder with a fucking turtle in it. Be quiet or I'll get it to punch you into the ground. That's fair. Golem is my least favorite of that line. I hate him. Yeah, he...

Who is he? Who is he? Where did he come from? He's Graveler, but big. No, he looks nothing like Graveler. It's like rock with arms, bigger rock with more arms. Fair. Okay.

Gollum, turtle in boulder. That's such a challenge. Turtle in boulder and lose arms. Yeah, no arm. What? Just foot. Still has arms. Because Graveler has four arms.

Gollum only has two. Yeah. Arms fall off. The other two have to buff itself out real good, so he's a nice shiny boulder, and then they fall off. It's his baby arms. Maybe the other two fall off and attach nice shiny boulder and they fall off. It's his baby arm. Maybe the other two fall off and attach to a boulder and become a Geodude.

Or they form his shell. He snuggles his... He gets traded and he's like, I feel so loved. Gives himself a hug and then eventually rounds up. Gets a shell. Welcome back, Golem. I imagine you just having a lot of legendary Pokemon you have no

right having it it's funny i'll be like here's my gravel i got two pokemon here's my gravel oh that was easy to beat anyway go zapdos how come i don't know i just found it i was going for a walk one day looked up saw it and then it was like oh i went in that cave and i went and it's psychically linked with me and i was like like, hey, want to come on an adventure? And it was like, yes. And I was like, all right, cool. The next time I meet you, you got a Moltres, Articuno, Mewtwo, Mew. Dusha, that's cheating. Whatever, I caught him.

I like the idea of just being like, go Mewtwo. They're like, that's, what? That's a government experiment. He's mine now. You're like, go Arceus. We're like, Dusha, that's literal God. You have God. You can't. That's not. I don't know. We're like, that's literal god. You have god. You can't.

That's not a god. I don't know. Whatever, you want to fight? No. Where's your clean grime I've heard so much about? He's in the aqueduct getting dirty. Oh my gosh, use a ditto on an Arceus and then there are two gods. Quick, but I chuck out a grime.

Get, become that one. Arceus, use god powers. Arceus, kill this fool. Arceus, hyperbeam, Jackson. Aye? Aye?

Ow! Can you blink him out of existence? That'd be good for me. I like to imagine every time I instruct any of my Pokemon to do something, because they don't, because I don't know the proper command. Instead of transform, I'm like, become. Instead of tackle, I'm like, grab him. Pokemon just looks at me like, I don't know.

Say the fucking word, Jackson. What? Huh? What word? There's a word? Transform. Be it. I said it! Be it! Yeah, become what's in front of us!

I don't speak Pokemon! What? I don't fucking know! What do you know? Grimer, Grimer, Grimer, Grimer. I like the idea of Ditto saying Grimer. Grimer. Shut up, Ditto! Become it! Back to me having, like, legendary Pokemon. It'd be funny if, like Back to me having like legendary Pokemon It'd be funny if like to treat me like

Fucking Gary in the games Where like I just keep popping up But imagine like Gary like Oh okay I beat your Bulbasaur with my Squirtle And then I'm like yeah okay cool I'll verse you again later I'm like go Bulbasaur again And you're like oh yeah sweet easy

And then I'm like go Articuno Aye? Yeah got it Every time you run me It's just more bigger Smell your life You don't have one? Here's yours I like Every time you run me, it's just more bigger Smell your life You don't have one? I like to imagine, you know at the beginning it's like

You choose Bulbasaur, they choose Charmander Like Cass, who seems to be the best Pokemon You choose Bulbasaur And it's like, Professor Oaks, well you can have Charmander And Squirtle I also have this Pikachu I found And an Eevee I was going to give it to my grandson, but I hate him.

You can have it too. All right. Fuck you. You should battle right now. That's good. That's good if you imagine all four of us as the children that are meant to go there. But Zammett's like, Cass, you do it. And I overshoot.

Oh, this wasn't Pokemon Love. I just pick one of these. Oh, sweet, a ditto. It's a bit dirty. Still good. The best one. Those idiots. Don't see where you guys were.

Oh, what's that? Is that God? What the fuck? How'd you get that guy? Professor Oak gave it to me. Why does he love Joel so much? What the fuck? How'd you get that guy? Professor Oak gave it to me. Ugh. Why does he love Joel so much? I don't know.

Why did he just have God there ready to give to me? I really like that in this scenario, his grandson also exists. He just gets there and Professor Oak's like, I got nothing. I gave it all to this guy. I love this man. Have you seen him? He's great. You're just too smug. You're not smug about it. You don He's great. You're just too smug.

You're not smug about it. You don't mock us. You're just like, yeah. Yeah, like, I don't know. Speak to Professor Oak about it, I guess. See what he has to say. If he's got a problem. I mean, yeah, that kind of sucks to you.

And I feel a bit bad. But, I mean, I'm not going to give him back. Clearly for me. Give us one. Yeah, I have my. It's like, no, but then mine. I can't just give you one. You have so many.

You could just give up one. I've got heaps. Hang on. I'll just go catch you one. Here, I bought you a Caterpie. What's this? It's a worm. Waggle it around.

Nope. Open up your brown plastic bag with a rat attack. Put it in there. Eat this. Oh, this one's dead. Eat it. All right, all right. Worm, eat that.

Whoever eats whoever is my Pokemon. I can imagine you using a Metapod like a brick. I know you're imagining. Harden, harden, harden. Bludgeon, bludgeon, bludgeon. I know you were imagining to attack. We all were. But I was imagining throwing it through a Pokemon window.

Going inside, grabbing all the potions, going into the aqueduct and drinking them myself. I feel sick. Groma, eat that. Then you get a bit of it at least. What do you want me to be? I don't know. Nitto. What do you want me to be? I don't know. Shut up. You're just one of them goo guys.

You're a goo. I'm gonna call you all goo. I hate Pokemon. I just wanna sit in the aqueduct and drink potion and pee pee up. I got so many more punches now. I got so many more punches now. I can use fucking 800 a day.

I never use any. Where's Jackson? Is he not coming on this journey with us? He's doing his own. He's fine. He's busy. We don't want him. I need him along with you. Could you beat the Elite Four? Could each of us beat the Elite Four?

You could, because that's good but you're not in the hall of fame yeah i'm in the hall of fame with your twice um yeah i'm i'm making my beautiful farm good and i've got all my pokemon they're all allowed free and then i pick my favorites to come on the adventure with me to the elite four can Can the Machamp, who is now, I assume, Army, who has maybe taken over my identity and- He could certainly use you in the Elite Four. Yeah. Could he then use me? Yeah, me and Army have a secret handshake now.

Army picks me up, hucks me into the circle. I don't know how to fight a- I've got a knife! Joel's arm at knife fighting his way through the Elite Four. Excellent. Shiven the hell out of whoever you're fighting. What does the Machamp want out of that?

That's my question. It's a power play. He's just an animal. No, he's mastered the power of strength and now he must master the power of control. So that's great. Cast in the Elite Four twice. Yeah, winning both times. Well, actually, cast in the Elite Four once.

Machamp in the Elite Four also once. I like if it's cast with your Pokemon, because then you have a great moment where you're like, so I won, yeah? And Cast is like, yeah, but it's you and the thing. And you're like, yeah, but they're your Pokemon. You're like, I guess good. I guess. And then we go to Machamp. We won, right? Mach Cas is like, yeah, but it's you and the thing. And you're like, yeah, but they're your Pokemon. You're like, I guess good. I guess.

And then we go to Machamp. We won, right? Machamp's like Machamp. And we look at the portrait and there's like him and then just like a me down the bottom. I'm like, I guess I won. I guess I'm respected. Am I feared and respected now? Am I respected?

I cut a lot of Pokemon. That's all I'm going to say. I cut a terrible swathe. I've done a lot of murdering today. Missing an eye burns down the side of your face. I'm just crushed. I stabbed Pikachu. I have killed a Pikachu.

I've torn one asunder. Surely. My champ refused to feed me to heal, so I ate it. I ate that rat. People fear you, but not in the way you want. People fear you the same way they fear a wolf. I'm still a fear. Take it.

You know who they really fear, though? Jackson. That man cannot be trusted. He ate a grimer. Jackson, are you ready to fight the first elite form member? Let me just power up. No, you don't. Okay. It tastes disgusting.

You guys eat these? Maybe I'll like it better after a second one. Hang on. I have no idea if these are dittos or grimes anymore. It tastes like dishwashing liquid that's been shat in. That's bad if you didn't know. Go Zubat. Smack, smack, smack, smack.

Shut up now. Zubat's coming out of your mouth. Grab him, slam him down. Shut up. Don't go away. Fight the guy. He always tries to fly away. It just lands on the elite four member.

All right. I guess. Maybe then I just threaten them with a lead pipe as well. Give me the badge. There aren't any badges. Guess the badge. Take my photo. Put it in the thing.

Put photos of all my ditto in there. I've taken photos of all my Pokemon. Put them in the thing put photos of all my ditto in there i've taken photos of all my pokemon put them in the thing real blurry polaroids physical copies like we can't upload this into the we can't put this in the thing figure it out it's like a photo four grimers one zubat and then a photo of you at the beach this is great to imagine just like someone going through it's got yeah like those photo of you at the beach. This is great to imagine. Just like someone going through with those photos of you. Then it's got like Cass's and all her photos. Like just really as cute as hell Pokemon.

There's just a picture of God. Next to me and I'm just like. And then there's me, just this feral boy that's being held by a Machamp. Somehow you look dirtier than Jack. Who's that Pokemon? Hey, Pokedex. Smack, smack, smack.

I'm going to smack it a couple times before it wakes up. Jackson, I don't think you should. No, no, no, hang on. Hey, Pokedex, who's this? Oh, sweet, it's a dirty grimer. Can I have it? He looks harder than the other ones.

All my other ones are real soft. I step in them and they don't die. I don't know what that's about. Which is a blessing and a curse. Imagine me sleeping outside and all the grimers covering me like a blanket. This is a bad way to live use the zoo bat as a pillow screaming a bit that's quieter good night bring its wings over your eyes like a sleep mask there we go

it scratches my cheeks but i don't mind we both end up with severe facial damage, and that's fine. You're like, I had to fight to get mine. Yours is basically self-inflicted. Nah. It's from this idiot. It's from this idiot. Smack, smack, smack. Oh, he wasn't screaming.

Sorry, that's just impulse at this point. It's muscle memory of whatever. A giant, like, collar around my throat with a big chain that the champ is holding. What is this? I don't know why your champ's doing that, but it's pretty cool. I mean, yeah, he's got those. For a block or whatever. It's real cool.

I like to imagine at this point, Joel Dushan has ascended to heaven. Anyway, me and Arcee. Maybe I can ask God for forgiveness. Or help. Nope, he's just gone. God, use Hyper Beam. Anyway, I'm going to heaven now. I'm going to try and stab God.

That's fucked. Just imagining you and Arcee is like hanging out or whatever for whatever. You and all your Pokemon hang out. Yeah, we do. Hey man, you listen to Prez. He's like, what a bail. Hey, you're God. Yeah.

Why are we just hanging in heaven? I'm sick of all these fucking gods. It's a rough scene. Let's go. You seen what happened to Zammet? I don't need to say that. The champ's like, Zammet, you stab it. It's the only way I get food.

Anyway, I'm going to eat all my Grimers because I beat the Elite Four. Clean break. It takes a while because they're big. One of them's a muck now. He's the biggest. He's got two faces. I like to call him Fat Dirty Ditto.

Fat Dirty Ditto, you're last. Everyone line up. I'll keep the Zubat as an alarm. Oh, it died. I hit it too many times. I love that Zubat. Jackson, do you still have that dead ratatouille on your front? No.

Oh, fuck, yes. I thought I got rid of it. That's what that smell was. I thought it was the dittos. Oh, my God. Fucking the catapie eating it. Oh, I've got a catapie now. Oh, it's what that smell was. I thought it was the dinos. Oh my god. The catapy eating it. Oh, I've got a catapy now. Oh, it's a metapod.

Uh, I gotta go. The volatile of butterfree? Jackson, are you addicted to health potions? PP up, maybe, but not health potions. I haven't tried a HP up yet, but uh. Let's see what happens. I think I've heard it's good. You're like, I've done a potion. I wouldn't tried a HP up yet Let's see what happens I've done a potion

I wouldn't do a super or a hyper though Yeah that's fucking crazy Did you say you got a max potion? Just give me a sec fellas I'm gonna try and eat a HM I'm gonna try and eat cut See what happens It just hurt

HM what? Cut It just hurt. HM1 cut. One HM1 cut for my Pokemon, sir. I can see your Pokemon. They can't learn cut. I have other ones. Sir, are you going to use this on yourself? Oh, my goodness.

The very idea. Then I lean in. I'm like, yes. A man's gotta eat. I'm a lone fly, sir. Jackson keeps eating HM Fly and trying to fly. He'll die eventually. And the world waits in bated breath for that day.

Look, what a bunch of trainers we became. Cass, the best. She just did it right. Well, she turned your Pokemon against you, which she should have. Yeah, that's doing it right. You did that. If you were stronger, this wouldn't have happened, but you made the mistake of recruiting me.

I just trusted you never trusted zamit you've ended up in some kind of i don't know what's happening to your life like an underground machamp fighting ring where a bunch of machamps have gotten weak-willed humans fighting for food you gave them too many of those cool bricks and they're all too cool for the cops to stop them. You're under a fuck, you're cool. It's like that interview in a cage with other humans. You're like, we need to tell people about the Machamp. They're rising up.

This is a problem. This is a problem, right? They're like, nah, nah, but you see how cool they are? You're like, well, all right. They just keep getting cooler and cooler. I know. I want to go watch it they're so cool

I love fighting for them I think I think I love fighting for them yeah I don't what happened to Zammat nah who knows he's fine

so look I guess in the end Zammat in an underground fighting ring at the beginning of the Machamp Apocalypse Cass has everyone's Pokemon

I guess yeah when Dusha goes to heaven I'm assuming you don't need to take your other ones I've only got one other it's Graveler He's coming with Graveler deserves to go to heaven I like the idea of being like hey buddy

We've had a long road let's just go to heaven Graveler He gives you thumbs up With all four hands Fuck your cool And just kick it in heaven. Fuck yeah. I'll eat as many mucks as I can before I die and Cas

can have the rest. I'm there like trying to pull him out. No! No! No! I like to think I eat a catapult and in the process of it going down my throat it becomes a metapod and kills me. Glug! Jack?

Neck just exploded with the menopause. Get a stick and push it down. It's just casting Harden on itself. Jack, we can pull it out. You'll live. No. It doesn't want to go down. It's fighting. I'm going to teach it a lesson. listen i'm gonna eat this fucking menopause

tensing your neck muscles hardening hardening hardening hardening hardening hardening messing i swallow it down and then like a week later my stomach explodes with a butterfree butterfree oh fuck that's how the first pink Butterfree was born It's covered in my viscera I didn't realise Butterfree born from flesh I thought I shat that Oh well

The greatest mystery is What did I shit Butterfree comes out Several mucks I were alive in there, I guess. No wonder I felt awful. You sort of take a peek at your insides. You're like, there aren't any.

I think Jackson was just Pokemon. All the mucks just fly off. Oh, they learn to fly. Okay. I get it now. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

I've been Cass. Give Cass all your Pokemon or come to heaven. Those are the two options. Yeah, look, it's not giving them to Cass. You'll just leave your Pokemon. If you're bad a little bit, Graveler goes to heaven. That's good. You're fine.

I don't know if you're bad. I just feel like just not paying attention. Yeah, bad. They're angels and they deserve everything. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually

I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us

head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.