Plumbing the Death Star - If You Were a Spider-Man Villain What Would Your Gimmick Be? + Dinosaur Park #2 Subway, Steaks and Argentinian Children

Episode Date: May 22, 2016

In which our heroes become prominent scientists, take a job at one of the various A.N.I.M.A.L. research projects and get inevitably turned into science powered super villains because of Spider-Man’s (maybe??) meddling. We look at the requirements of being a Spider-Man villain, find reasons to hate Peter Parker and realise it’s super easier making villains when there’s no bat-demon involved. Jackson becomes a giant elephant, Zammit works for some kind of investigative agency and Duscher just wants to turn into a bullet. So join the gang as they turn once more to a life of crime with a single minded vision of ruining Spider-Man’s day.Want to help take down Spider-Man? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help us to just that. Head to https://www.teepublic.com/user/sanspantsradio to grab some sweet Sanspants Tees for only $14! And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sands Pants Radio, are you overthinking it? Hey, Plumbing the Death Star Volume 1 is now available from our good friends over at audiobooksontape.com. It's chockers full of content, including episodes that haven't been released yet and an exclusive 14-part episode of The Plumbing Boys playing Dinosaur Park, the 1985 tabletop RPG adventure. As a little bit of a sneak peek,

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Richard, no last name, mysterious. Caleb Twig, like the tree. Imran Datu, i like datu rachel mccormack like cormac mccarthy jesse weyer is a sitcom i hope that's just a note from zamit jesse why jackson this guy's sick um eric mora berber which sounds like a Doctor Strange villain. Levi Mauck. I'm going to mauck a cow. Zee Schilling. Nobody's first name is Zee.

Good try. And Fraser Ellis Hodgkinson. That's a normal name. Oh, and also we're having a free t-shirt sale. Just head to tpublic.com slash user slash sanspants and pick yourself up a Plumbing the Death Star tee for only $14. How good. Which you can also get on a tea how good enjoy the show hey everyone welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star we ask important questions like if you were a spider-man villain what would your gimmick be So, like, the thing with Spider-Man villains is that they're basically all...

There are, like, three credentials to being a Spider-Man villain. Fucking hate Peter Parker. Yeah, you fucking hate Peter Parker or Spider-Man. You were created by science. Whoops. And you're an animal. You were created by science. Whoops. And you're an animal. You are animal-based. You got lizard, fucking scorpion, fucking jackal, rhino.

Goddamn. Even Kraven the Hunter's basically a lion man. Yeah. Venom's another spider. Tarantula. Vulture. Tarantula. Goddamn it.

The only one who's not. Sandman. From the sand. Sand creatures. The only one who's not Aside from Sandman Is a good point Shocker, Electro Green Goblin

Green Goblin Green Goblin Is kind of Like it's animalistic It's either you're an animal Or you're an element as well Yeah kind of Like sand or mud or water

Cause there's a Hydro villain Yeah there's Hydro Man And one day Hydro Man and Sandman get into a fight and become a mud man and it's bad for the two of them. They hate it. That actually happens. They have this fight and they're like, Oh my god, whoops! And they have to...

I think Spider-Man dries them out and then they separate again. It's so dumb. Is there one with, um, to defeat Sandman? If you use fire, just take the glass? Yeah, I think that happens once. Sure has happened. There's also a time where Spider-Man pushes him into the sewer and Sandman leaks out into the sea.

And the final shot of that comic is that Sandman has become a beach. Oh, yes. And there's like a family on his chest. Yeah. And he's like, someone's building a sandcastle on what is presumably his penis. Yeah, exactly. And you're like, comic books. All right.

That's so good. Yeah, I guess like, even, Venom and fucking Carnage, they're, like, aliens. It's kind of... They're kind of still, like, an animal. Like, you know what I mean? So you've got your aliens, really. You've got either aliens...

Elements. Elements. Or animals. And most of them are science-based. Yeah, I can't think of one that's not, really. Aliens are pretty much science, anyway. Aliens are science enough. Yeah. Everybody who's not, really. Aliens are pretty much science anyway. Aliens are science enough. Everybody who's not direct science is inventors.

Ah, the guy who shot Uncle Ben. You mean Sandman? Fuck you. Yeah, all right. There you go. Slay him, dunk. Plus, he wasn't a villain. He was just a lad.

Yeah, that's true. He's just a criminal. Give me a call, Ben. Boomerang. He's not an animal or an element Or a goblin All goblins, I guess Green goblin, haemogoblin, hobgoblin And a couple of other goblins

Does haemogoblin steal blood? Yeah, he's a vampire That's more Mobius I'm sure haemogoblin's like a DC one No, haemogoblin is one of sure Hema Goblin's like a DC one. No, Hema Goblin is one of the goblins. Yep, it's a bad time. Who's Hobgoblin? Because I always assumed he was just Green Goblin's son.

Nah, he's the lad who found some prototype goblin business. Yeah, and now he's become almost like a villain for hire thing where people come in and he kind of almost like, he franchises being the Hobgoblin. Yeah, it's good. And other shit, so he's like, you wanna be a villain? Here's a suit and here's a name. Exploding pumpkins? That's Hobgoblin, isn't it? No, that's Green Goblin. the hobgoblin. Yeah, it's good. And other shit. So he's like, you want to be a villain? Here's a suit and here's a name. Exploding pumpkins?

That's hobgoblin, isn't it? No, that's green goblin. That's green goblin. Maybe hobgoblin. Probably. It's one of the goblins. It's definitely green. Anyway, I choose an elephant as my theme.

Elephant man? Elephant man. But I don't have a fucking ruined face. And my costume is kind of like rhinos. So it's a big armor that I wear. But it's huge. It's like two stories tall. And I'm in the middle of it.

And my movements control like a big bipedal elephant. My trunk is like, it's also like a rope. You know how Scorpion's tail, it's pretty handsome? Oh, Doc Ock. Oh, Doc Ock, yeah. Another animal. My trunk is like that. like it's prehensile.

Oh, Doc Ock. Or Doc Ock, yeah. Another animal. My trunk is like that, and my face is just poking out with the trunk attached to the top of the thing, and I squash people, and that's my MO. Spider-Man's going to stop you very easily.

You're very slow. Oh, yeah. You're basically going to be like a walker in fucking Star Wars. He's just going to web your face. Web, and I'm going gonna trip and fall on my face Spider-Man's gonna just climb inside the elephant yeah pretty much

well I'm gonna make the elephant skin super tough like an elephant skin like a rhino skin so you can't even pry it from you you're gonna permanently be a two story man and Spider-Man's gonna be like get out of there and I'm gonna be like I can't help that's also an aspect of Spider-Man's villains is they're asking for

generally they're having wanting help yeah exactly and spider-man just picks on them bullies them a lot punches them in the face and then sends them off to like but i gotta decide a reason that spider-man i hate spider-man because every villain has a reason they all right so what happened how did this first off a couple questions okay how did this how did this experiment start okay and so what because what was the experiment or what how did so he's i was brilliant scientist yakov smirnoff and i was i mean dr ali font oh yeah that's true dr ali font i'll be a lady that's fine or a man with a girl's name either or ethan font even font Ethan Lee Like font Alan Lee font

I was Alan Lee font Of the Lee fonts And the Lee font And I was They were like Jackson The military let's say We need to do some deep sea diving And I was like well I know elephants have tough skin

And they're very because they're they're they're their trunk wood is very versatile acts like a snorkel so i'll make you a deep sea diving uh what do you call them like a diving bell yeah yeah one of them but it'll look like an abathosphere but it'll be like an elephant shape all right because i'm like i'm a fan of elephants i don't know. And everyone's like, Dr. Ali Farns, where did that elephant fetish come from? And you'd be like, I do not know. I do not know what you're talking about.

I do not understand this question. Next please. I like to imagine me at like a desk and there's like a little model elephant, a painting of an elephant in the background. I got an elephant like themed everything. I just look up and I'm like, I do not know.

What are you talking about? Next question, please. I think you are offending me um and then i'll be like uh you know on the day the big day of me testing it i was like i'll get in i'll uh hop in the the bathysphere the elephant sphere and i'll go down but journalist peter parker was there to take some snaps of me. He took a photo of me, put me off. When I got in my elephantosphere, and I was just kind of so off and kind of just knocked by his photograph of me. His giant flash. I'm just like, oh, Jesus.

I just feel wrong. Accidentally hit the seal me in forever button. Yeah, and it closed over the top of me, and I was like, damn it! And then it released me into the ocean Where I sunk forever Until I could find my way out to seek Hot revenge on Spiderman So you're an elephant

So you're Dr. Ali How great is it to imagine me sinking And my big elephant foot being like Peter Parker As I sink beneath the waves It's too sorry person I can imagine you'd be like My big elephant foot being like, Peter Parker! As I sink beneath the waves. This two-story person. I can imagine you'd be like,

it was that journalist, it was that photojournalist at that moment, having to investigate that, but to do it sneakily? As someone who is two-story. Trying to knock on the Daily Planet. Who was that fucking photographer? Daily Bugle's fucking door.

Can I talk to all of your journalists? You're the same size as a house. I know. How do I hide? Better question, how do they put me away? Well, it's sort of like you just turned into pretty much Godzilla. You're emerging from the sea one day to re-Catholic. But an elephant. I don't even think...

I think Spider-Man would just come to defeat you and that would just almost be a happenstance that oh yeah Peter Parker was at that place yeah exactly

I wouldn't know it was Peter Parker I'd be like one of those idiot villains that just can't put two and two together and Spider-Man would be like oh that's me

no you'd just be like I've been reading the papers I know you and Spider-Man oh you and Peter Parker are friends oh yeah yeah that's true fucking get Peter Parker for me

where is his house I'll squash him so that's kind of the reverse of usually what happens where villains come up to Peter Parker like I know you know Spider-Man exactly I'm like I know you know

Peter Parker journalist he really put me off on a big day for me and then I hit the fucking I just healed myself forever

like there was like two buttons it was like just the release and sealing forever and I was like like there's some flashes just the release and sealing forever and I was like like the flash was in my eyes I was really nervous

I just like to imagine me sitting down there and they're like now the first descent of the elephant bathysphere and I'm in there and I'm like

how do you fucking take a photo I wasn't even looking I don't know if I was like I think my hair was fine was I doing the right face

how am I looking I didn't even get a chance to do my it's like Dr. Ellen E. Fant, you're going to... I'm like, oh, my God. Splash for so long. And then, you know, like, I'll just knock around New York City.

Yeah. Hiding, I guess, under the sea because I can. Yeah, and you have to. And I'll come up every now and then to try and track down Peter Parker. I guess, under the sea, because I can. Yeah, and you have to. And I'll come up every now and then to try and track down Peter Parker. I imagine, yeah. Like, it's not that easy, I mean, hard for me to find Peter Parker's apartment building. I guess not. New York's

pretty big. Or, really, you'd probably take the tactic of, because you're so giant, you're not going to be able to see streets and navigate. You're just like, destroy it all. Yeah, that's true. If I destroy all of New York, then I can eventually, hopefully, destroy Peter Parker's building. Yeah, exactly. Or Jersey.

It would have to rely on... Or Jersey. I could just destroy Jersey. I don't need to destroy all of New York. Or Queens, yeah? Yeah, Queens. That's Jersey. Yeah, I think so. Also, you just have to rely on the fact that you knew that Spider-Man and Peter Parker were friends. Because imagine you read the Daily Bugle.

It's all photos. Could you imagine, though, you coming in trying to crush Peter Parker. And these Avengers come in and just smack you around. God damn it! Who are you? I'm not a bad guy! And like fucking Ant-Man comes or Giant-Man comes and just up to your side. Just starts smacking you around. God damn it! Please let me out!

Crack the elephant skin! Imagine somebody smashing it. A little crack opening and me just sliding out. Thank you. Sweaty. Covered in my own filth. I've been in there for days. Months.

Barnacles on you Exactly The person that you want really is Vision To come in and just like phase through the elephant skin Grab you and phase you both out Exactly maybe this is a lot of me at the Avengers Tower Being like hello Excuse me I can't get to the front door but I'm about level

With the The window. The window. And it's like Iron Man sliding. Yes. What can I do for you? Let me out. It's hot in here.

And then Spider-Man would come by, swing, kick you in the fucking head. That's what Spider-Man does. He doesn't listen. He's always like... Knocks me to go to Tony Stark's like... Then there's a big battle and then all this and then i just get pushed back into the sea yes because spider-man never kills anybody and he can't really web me up and hang me from a street well he could but be very inefficient exactly well what are those villains go to what's the prison called the one that was like a giant break. The raft. The raft, maybe, yeah. I can imagine something. You're like on an iron cross.

Oh, yes. Kind of like all like with a technical shit, just kind of like chained up like your giant... Because I'm imagining your fists, your hands are like flat like an elephant. And same with you. Because it's basically that. Like that pinned up and one with your trunk kind of pinned up as well. And then just scientists probing you and shit like that.

And maybe like the probing gets so much that I just start developing like weird elephant tics like I'm like every time I'm fighting doing elephant noises yeah that's good I like it and then like the upgrade like tusks yes I'll work for the military

as long as they get me out maybe it's like a suicide squad deal they're like you work for us for 10 years and we release you from your elephant prison. I'm like, that's our deal. I like this idea. You do that for 10 years

and the military just like pick you up in a crane. They just drop you in like the ocean. It's like, no, like Africa. No, you're with your people. That would be amazing.

I really want to team up with like Rhino Like a zebra guy I want to make like a team of safari villains Craven the hunter Craven would hunt you Oh that would be so scary Like just running down the fucking main road Fucking Craven hunting after me

After me in a fucking jeep Yeah yeah yeah I'm afraid that this happens after Craven kills himself Yeah let's hope I want to say there is a mammoth like villain of spider-man already what's nice about like like creating a batman villain which we have done you have to come up with like quite a clever name or like a clever ish name spider-man i'm just like i'm the elephant everyone's like yep good easy done I liked with the Batman villains

we'd done we just all came up with pre-existing ones accidentally not me Dr. Beef Dr. Beef though

but like the penny pincher was already actual guy who actually got crushed by a penny let's see fireman was just firefly who saw that one

coming not me what hang on a second mammoth Let's see Fireman was just Firefly Who saw that one coming? Not me What? Hang on a second Mammoth character He's a super strong villain and founded member of the Fearsome Five Alright Born and raised in Australia

Ah wait DC, Dr Light We ain't got no mammoths Do we? No We ain't got no mammals Fucking mammoths It's all lizards His name was Baron Flinders

And his sister Celinda Those are not fucking Australian names Celinda Flinders Created by Marv Wolfman And George Perez Marv Wolfman you have a better name Your name Well I'm glad I'm the only elephant themed

Villain on the block And I'm ready to wreck shit and get Spider-man to get me out of this goddamn suit that's a fair enough see i would choose a squid so like dr octopus so like dr octopus but more squid so you would be the carnage to his venom yeah maybe. Maybe it was also worth... Do venom and carnage have a baby together? Yeah, he's the best. He's a sick lad. He's like a symbiote. He's a cop.

It's so good. Like in the comic, he's like... Cop symbiote? Yeah, no, hear me out. It's the best. In the comic, he gets symbioted and he's like, fuck. And there's these criminals robbing a bank and he's like, I'm going to eat them. And then one of the cops is like, hey.

And he points and inside the symbiote goo is his police badge. And he's like, you're a cop. And he and he's like oh you're under arrest and he never got a comic i want to see cop symbiote that's so good that would be a fucking good procedural with a fucking symbiote as your lead exactly and you got this guy who's struggling between do i put them in jail or eat that's a tough one that's the eternal human struggle so squid what do you look like? So, I was imagining... Is your name just Squid?

Yeah. Well, I figured I was working on a program... Is your name Samuel Quid? Yes. But, like, working on a program called Squid, like S-Q-U-I-D. Yeah. But it stood for, like, super... Unique.

No, no, Q is a... Secret... We... Quiet... is it. Secret. Quiet. Super quiet. Yeah. Under. Investigation. Damn.

Detectives. Super quiet under investigation detectives. You're making really good cops. Yes. Yes. Basically, rather than an actual, like, you think it's going to be a squid, but it's not. He's just a guy in a sweet stealth suit.

Ah. Okay. Shoots ink, though. Shoots ink, though. Oh, see, that's cool. The idea of you being like, and inking someone in the face, but it's like a sticky ink

that they can't get off. Yep, yep, yep. So it's kind of like Spider-Man with his little web, so it's like ink. So it's basically like a guy in a stealth suit, which is a little bit

kind of squid kind of, So like you've got big, like, your mask has, like, big kind of round eyes. Yeah. Spider-Man's like that weird... And a beak. Yeah, and a... Okay.

Like a squid. What's a beak for? It looks cool. No, have the beak for, like, getting into places. Like, break it off fucking... Like, it's really powerful and you'll be able to break open... You have a scary look. Yeah.

Okay. Maybe not a beak on the face, a beak hands. Be claws claws so but also and maybe maybe we've adopted some of the duck octech yeah okay because you can eat like tentacles right so we've got a couple of those just like flapping about but have them be in like they're like in little containers so they unravel where duck ox are always fucking around this one yours are like kind of like spider-man's web yeah and they're less mechanical and more kind of membranious. Oh, you're scary and cool. Why do you hate Spider-Man, though?

Are you the last remnant of the secret, quiet, underground, under-investigation detectives? I think so, yes. Of course, I have to be. Spider-Man made them redundant. Either with his Parker Industries, either made us redundant, or we were both vying for a contract like a a contract where these like stealth suits were kind of underway or something to do with maybe we were under like a like espionage but like business espionage or someone's coming like corporate espionage

where someone has come in and try and um like tech. And then Spider-Man has come in and fought this person. But I didn't see the other person. I just saw Spider-Man. And then our whole place blew up. And you're like, Spider-Man's to blame. And my Bruno, my lab assistant slash lover, died in that accident. And now I'm angry at Spider-Man. Rest in peace, Bruno.

I imagine him as far too muscular and an uber-mench but wearing a lab coat with no shirt under it. Farbier? Yeah, yeah. Long flowing with black hair. Oh, that's beautiful. I know and I'm sort of I, Sam

Quidd, blame Spider-Man for blowing up this company that me and Bruno had worked for for so long and also the death of my beloved Bruno. What happens when you fight Spider-Man and he's like, it actually wasn't me I was fighting another lad. I would call him a liar and refuse to believe his

lies. Sort of like how Electra was like, I didn't murder anyone it was you Spider-Man, you forgot my birthday Well, less like that My name's Max Still have yet to see Amazing It was you, Spider-Man. You forgot my birthday. Well, less like that. My name's Max. That's it. Still have yet to see Amazing Spider-Man 2, and I'm happy.

Yeah, I don't think I will. I'll give you a hint. The word amazing in the title is definitely not about the quality of the film. You're going to lie. So, yeah, I think that'll be a really fun little time. Yeah, okay. And, yeah, I think a lot of squid powers. Can squids camouflage? Yeah, no, squids can do it.

Sick. And also a stealth suit. Yeah. Because I'm wearing basically of squid powers. Can squids camouflage? Yeah, no, squids can do it. Sick. And also a stealth suit. Yeah. Because I'm wearing basically a stealth suit. You're a menace. And scary looking. Super quiet. Under investigation detective skills.

To really find out who Spider-Man was. And do I come close to discovering who he is? You're like the villain. You know, every villain. I mean, Hero has that one villain that's like, I'm going to find out who you are,

Spider-Man. Like Batman's Hugo Strange. Yeah, or the Riddler, or most of Batman's villains. Every single one of Batman's villains. Superman,

every single one of the people he's ever met. You know when, you wear glasses, right? Yeah. And sometimes you take off your glasses to clean them, or you take off the glasses

to kind of pinch your nose because you can't be... Has anyone ever done that to Superman or Clark? He's like, oi! Yeah, I know. Yook! What if Clark... What the heck?

What if Clark trips on a rock? His glasses fall off and everyone's like, hold the fucking phone. Hang on a second. Hang on. Wait one fucking moment. With Clark, I think it's sort of just like the whole thing is not the glasses and the hair.

Like, I was reading something where it's all just explained as, like, no one's looking for the extraordinary extraordinary and such an ordinary man all right also like like a bullshit excuse yeah well i liked him in the the all-star superman where he's hunched over and he sort of changed his posture and he acts more sweaty he's real sweaty oh so sweaty in that that's's awesome. Star Spoon Man is good. Well, will you take out Spider-Man then? No. Of course not. Spider-Man will have to.

My suit will malfunction. He'll do something to me. I'll, like, gag him. It's like the prototype. Yeah, of course. There you go. Because nobody at the squid program was fucking fucked off. I'm going to shoot my squid in the head.

And it's kind of solid-ish. It's like Spider-Man, but it's more solid. He's going to, like, thwip that, wrap that up, swing it around, back into my face. Yeah, exactly. And I'm going to be like, my beak arms are going everywhere, snapping at shit. And then he's just going to like, yeah, kick my ass and hang me up.

Kick your ass and send you back to the fucking... Send him to the raft. Back to the raft where I am. Where you are. And I'm like, I fought him when he was a journalist. And they're like, don't talk to me. You goddamn elephant. Like, slap me out.

Maybe they give you, they're like, we'll fix your suit. Yeah. Assuming that you worked for us for 10 years. Then they drop you in the sea. You sons of bitches. This makes even less sense than the elephant. You're like, suit just like short circuits because of the water. I can't even move.

Sons of bitches. So you have both gone for... You ate the rest of my arrow, huh? Sure did. I looked you in the eyes and I did it too. Okay. Okay. It was good.

Sorry. I'm not sorry at all. We don't. Do it again Fuck you So you both have picked animal villains And that's good Because Spider-Man, majority animal villains

But as we discussed at the start of the episode Not always animals There is occasionally like elements or other stuff Or aliens Mine doesn't fall into any of these categories But it does come back to Uncle Ben So who killed Uncle Ben? A robber

A lad What actually killed Uncle Ben? A bullet Okay Ben so who killed Uncle Ben a robber a lad hmm what actually killed Uncle Ben a bullet okay so what happened is uh-huh I worked for CSI okay I was a cop bit on the crooked cop. I happened to have some bribes. Oh, no, I lost some DNA. Who knows? What's up with that? Whoops. Whoops. Oh, no, the semen's in the bin. Guess Doc Ock gets subscribed free today from his bank robbery. Look at all this evidence that's covered in semen.

How did that get there? Oh god Anyway Oh god god Very excited Good on you octopus minions Just give us a moment real quick Fucking please

Hey bank Where's all your money back No no Just clean it clean it first can you clean it first okay good so you you put doc ock semen in the bin doc ock gets away scot-free well i've been uh so i'm i'm you know spider-man villains are always like way older than him so i'm one of these villains because uh uncle ben's body comes through and like the robbers like oh man do me a deal like i killed him do me a solid yeah do me a solid you know crims together crims together yeah you know yeah crims together forever that's what they

always say exactly so like i'm working in the lab i'm like it's time to lose the bullets i chuck it in my pocket okay on the way out of the lab, struck by lightning. Caused by Electro and... Yeah, we got Electro just fucking around on top of my tower. He's doing some Electro bullshit. I don't know what's going on. Maybe he's fighting Spider-Man up there? He's fighting Spider-Man. Now you can kind of blame Spider-Man for whatever's about to happen.

I was going to say, what's happening? Is Electro shooting some bolts at Spider-Man? No, wait. Electro can't be fighting Spider-Man for whatever's about to happen. I was going to say, what's happening? Is Electro shooting some bolts at Spider-Man? Electro can't be fighting Spider-Man because Uncle Ben just died. He's not Spider-Man yet. Electro's fighting some other lad. Electro's just fucking around with electricity. Electro's drunk.

He's drunk. Electro's drunk. Electro's drunk. He's trying to shoot at Vulture like, you stupid bird. Get down, Vulture. Vulture, I'm sorry. You never cared about me. Look, he's doing an experiment to really work on his electro suit.

And he's trying to figure out the best way to deconstruct molecules using electricity. Yeah, good. And he's practicing, and what he does is hits me with one of these practice bolts. Oh, no. And the bullet that's in my pocket fuses into my heart. And I get a bit of Uncle Ben's DNA But also mostly bullets DNA Bullets turn up DNA

You get bullet molecules Bullet molecules into my heart Stop pumping a bit of lead I'm like, guess I'm a bullet now The bullet How do powers manifest? Well, because there's lead pumping through me So like

Can you fire bullets The same way Spider-Man can fire a web? Absolutely not I can punch harder Okay, how about this So the bullets go on into your bloodstream So you've got iron blood, right? Iron blood, and for some reason

The electricity, because it's like Deconstructing molecules and stuff like that, it sort of like multiplied it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You remember in the Hulk? When the Hulk, first in the movie, and he gets hulked, and it like shows that like over the opening credits,

all the Hulk DNA messing with his human DNA. Yeah, that's what's... But instead of being green, it's a bullet. And it's like a bullet mixed with your DNA. Yeah, it doesn't mix with my blood. It does. It sort of fucks with my DNA. And basically you're iron blood and you use a glass cream.

Like ironish hands. I get iron fit. Like my fingers and knuckles are lined with iron. And I get like blotches of iron. I'm like, oh, I'm hideous now. And I get an iron head. Like I had a luscious head of hair. Now it's just iron. Basically the tip of a head. Like, I had a luscious head of hair. Now it's just iron.

Basically the tip of a bullet. Like hammerhead. Yeah, like hammerhead. Every bit of you with iron in it, can you punch or move with the speed of a bullet? Yes. Because you're having a head that's like... Also, can I just put in a little caveat? Because things will be very cool to help you out. Because of Uncle Ben's dna in it you get

his eyes yes now whenever spider-man looks at you he feels uncomfortable he doesn't know why yes spider-man's like here i am fighting the bullet who the fuck is this guy and you're like it's me spider-man wait hang on a second those eyes are very familiar what is this i don't want you to get like the uncle ben's face or anything. No, no, just his eyes. Just take his eyes. Eyes and nostrils. Eyes and nostrils and maybe lips. Just eyes and nostril shape. So why do you hate Spider-Man? Oh, is the Uncle Ben DNA made you love Spider-Man?

Yes! No! The Uncle Ben DNA is like Spider-Man Peter Parker's a cunt because of his actions I died. No! No, I love you loving Spider-Man. You just want to look out for him. You're like, you want to look out for him.

I tried to create a villain and created another hero. Not necessarily. You're basically like almost a Punisher hero because you want to help Spider-Man, so you may be like, well, Peter Parker in this case, and you can maybe watch from afar, and maybe he's getting picked on. Actually.

Then you shoot that kid. I'm like Kylo Ren Alright Let's see you do this This is bullshit gymnastics I was such a crooked cop I wanted to get rid of all of Doc Ock's semen I wanted crime

I love crime I sound drunk because of that hiccup I love crime I would cry and run rampant. Crime crazy. But now that I've got Uncle Ben's DNA, I'm tempted by the light. I'm like, no, I love Spider-Man.

I'm like, no! Fuck Spider-Man! That's the thing. You're about to punch him in the head with one of your bullet fists and you're like, wait. It's like a really uncomfortable fight because neither of us want to have it.

It's good to imagine if you are like a golden age superhero so that you can be a bit goofy and literally just have bullets for hands. I'm done. I've got bullets for hands. Bullets for hands and your head kind of goes like it tapers into a bullet. No, but not a point. I like a rounded tip.

I just kind of look like a penis. You do. You would. And you're fighting Spider-Man and he would call you and you're like, ah! And then you shoot your fist at this guy. Like point break. Point break Spider-Man and he's like, Uncle Ben, and you're like, ah! And then you shoot your fist at this guy. Like point break. Point break Spider-Man a few times. Good.

I think Spider-Man would call you a dickhead though a couple of times. Yeah, I think he would. Spider-Man would hurt you emotionally. I'd headbutt him. He'd hurt all of us emotionally. He'd call you fat. I'd be like, it's a suit, Spider-Man. Help me out of it.

Freebie, please. And calling you something as big as a barn or something. He'd be making fun of your size. He'd be mean about it. So yeah. I feel like that's a good one. It's convoluted. Spider-Man's villains tend to join over their hatred of Spider-Man.

That's true. And I imagine at our meetings, we'd be like, fuck Spider-Man, fuck Spider-Man. I love him. What if we love him instead? And I'd be like, what our meetings we'll be like fuck Spider-Man fuck Spider-Man I love him what if we love him instead and I'll be like what and I'll be like

nothing fuck Spider-Man I promise like everybody's got notes that are yours it's just like Spider-Man my grandson Spider-Man's like

love hearts around him Spider-Man my grandson nephew nephew we're like what is this like nothing put it in the bin

What's your plan for the death ray? Let's talk about that Ignore my notes How do I attend these meetings? They bring me nothing but sadness and stress No, I'm like two stories tall Having it in the park Cross-legged

I can't hold a pad I'm like, he's in my stealth suit to be invisible I don't be seen with you I have no hands just bullets neither do I this is gonna be

a hard meeting it's like what do you want take notes like I hate it I hate this I wanna get out of here I wanna leave

I miss Bruno and every time like you look at your notes he's got like you know Spider-Man like Peter Parker love hearts. Mine's like Bruno love hearts

with little doodles next to it. Mine is just scribbles. Yours is like big fucking elephant. Elephant prints. I like to think that we then blame the fact we can't get Spider-Man and the fact we can't take notes at our meetings. And that fuels our hatred for Spider-Man more.

And I think we'd also hate... Yeah, you would want, as in you, Jackson, you'd want the... All you'd want is a picture taken down. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're kind of like... You know when those celebrities,

when they get a shit photo and they're just like, I want it taken down. They put a cease and desist kind of thing. That's what you want. That's all I'm after. Not fully understanding how the internet works. Or that the Barbara... Remove the photo.

I was like, the Barbara Streisand effect. Delete the internet I don't want it to exist anymore give me the negatives give me the camera just smashing computers that's what I guide I find fucking computer banks and destroy them

I have to delete that photo of me from the internet everyone's like oh jesus he just doesn't understand the cloud. You're like, what? You don't understand the cloud. What? I see clouds.

No, the cloud. Oh, for fuck's sake. What? It's all stored in the cloud. Fuck, Spider-Man. Let me out of my shit. Fight the clouds. Yeah.

He's punching them. He's not that high. I didn't have so many pigeons on me. I didn't give my character a name You did, the bullet Like a name, like how yours is fucking Ellen E. Fant And Sam Quid

Mine's Joel Dusha Twist! So imaginative You could be Brian Ullott Yes! You could just be Barry Bullet. Yeah. Barry the Bullet Bullet is what they call me.

I'm a crack detective. Barry the Bull Bullet. Barry the Bald Bull Bullet. There you go. So, oh, fuck. They can call me Bullet, and then Spidey will call me Chromedome, and I'll hate it. Exactly. I love him and hate him so much. I am your nephew. I mean, uncle. What's he going to call me Chrome Dome and I'll hate it. Exactly. I love him and hate him so much. I am

your nephew. I mean uncle. What's he going to call me? Ink mouth? Ink mouth? Squid face? That's mean. He's going to make jokes about how you're not quite as good. Dr. Octopus is a fat, balding scientist and he's harder to fight than you. That's the kind of thing you're

going to get from Spider-Man. Yeah, I think you might even make a quip about my dear beloved Bruno and then that's just going to get from Spider-Man. I think you might even make a clip about like, you know, my, my, my dear beloved Bruno. And then that's just going to set me off. Exactly. And then you'll malfunction and disappear.

And we won't be able to find you. And I'll be like, where's Squid? I'm over here. Where? It'll be good. It'll be good team up. I think our team up would not work at all.

I think we will wait around for a letter from the Sinister Six that will never arrive. Who's got the best chance of becoming one of the Sinister Six? Not you, Jack. No. I'd say it would be you. Yours is almost good. It's

close enough. That's true. Plus Electro could easily fuck me up and that's almost what's needed in the Sinister Six. As long as your other buddies can ruin you, you're in. That's true. Plus, Electro could easily fuck me up. And that's almost what's needed in the Sinister Six. As long as your other buddies can ruin you, you're in. You're good. They're like, Spider-Man sympathizer. No. Shoot lightning off my head, it'll bounce back.

It'll be good. And plus, you'd hate Electro anyway. Because he made you what you want. Or me and Electro have this weird power-up combo thing. Where he electrifies you and turns you into an actual bullet? Yes. And fires you. And then fires you out of a big gun.

Yeah. I think, actually, I think, you have the best bet of working for the kingpin. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Definitely. I would be his right-hand man. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say an enforcer.

That's tough. Left-hand man. I've got the best bet getting in the Sinister Six. Jackson's best bet of being a sad comic I've got the best bet of being a character brought

back for a modern story in which I die yes you've got the best bet of having a comic book arc that is aborted

halfway through because no one's reading it they're like you've got like the flowers for the elephant man kind of thing

flowers for elephant and everyone's like who the fuck is this I'm like I was already a genius I didn't mean to inject me to be You got like the flowers for the elephant man kind of thing. Flowers for elephant. You get like all smart and stuff. Who the fuck is this? I'm like, I was already a genius. I didn't mean to inject me to be more smart. They're like, finally, the elephant's clever. No.

I was a scientist. Why would you? And then it ends with you either becoming dumber or killing yourself. You can Craven Law Stands yourself. I'll just jump in the sea. I'll crawl away. Fight maybe no more or something. Probably for the best.

Probably for the best. And on that note, I've been the squid. I've been the elephant. And I've been Barry the bald bull bullet. Fuck you, Spider-Man. Right in the elephant. And I've been Barry the bald bull bullet. Fuck you, Spider-Man. Right in the eye. I love you. I mean, yeah, no, fuck you, Spider-Man.

I'm your uncle. I mean, what? Let's fight. Let's hug it. Fight it out. Hug it. I mean, fight it. I mean, hug it.

Let's wrestle, but hug. I miss your auntie. I like to imagine that. Imagine as you're fighting him, you like got him like on the ground and he's like, don't kill me. And you just give a little kiss on the cheek

and he's like, what? It's bedtime, Spidey. Tell aunt May that I miss her. Punching him in the head. You're a strange man. I can't help it.

Has she found another lover I'm not I'm okay with that as long as she's happy fuck you spider-man hope you enjoyed that and now part two of dinosaur park

part one is over on episode 38 of D&D's for nerds we recommend listening to does John Hammond understand theme parks and is John Hammond Understand Theme Parks? and Is John Hammond a Bad Boss? to really get a feel for the show.

You can purchase the rest of the series over at audiobooksontape.com. Enjoy! Welcome to episode two of Dinosaur Park, the tabletop RPG, in which our two brave heroes escape a burning building in spectacular fashion and find a moment's repose in a field. Previously on Dinosaur Park.

I thought, for the fans, we'd do a little something tasty, a little something special. A little something Dinosaur Park. Not a... I fucking hate you. I thought we were out. The two of you are sitting in the backseat of a limousine. Outside, the rain pours down on the English moors

as you pull up at the front of Jackson Bailey's mansion. A man with bright orange hair, six foot, very tall, very muscular, he opens the door for you. If you'd like to come inside, follow me. You've been invited to Jackson Bailey's mansion with the understanding that this will be the last time you ever see him. You can see a couple of familiar faces. Vince Vaughn.

I thought you died. Wah! Guy who looks like George Costanza but isn't George Costanza. He's standing in a corner eating a little cocktail weenie. Something is gravely wrong with dinosaur park fire fire fire and runs off to get like a a fire extinguisher everybody else notices at this point and runs towards the kitchen you can see assuming you'll go with them no seems like the whole building might be ablaze what story am i on you're in the second story i jump out the window also joel jumping out a window what skill do you want to use no skill

wow okay you leap through the window and as you do a blade of glass blade of glass yeah sounds like i'm saying blade of grass that's weeding me out. Anyway, a sliver of glass embeds itself in your neck through like the side. Missing tendons, but it's through your neck. You're bleeding profusely down the front of your body, but you're lying

on the lawn away from the fire. I'd like to imagine if I just grabbed a bit of parchment or a bit of painting that I just torn off, and used that to staunch my wound. You look over at Jackson and he's like, what? Why use my

painting? You're so rude! Mickey comes over and attempts to staunch the wound a little better he does a good job you are no longer in danger of dying somehow

you stand there I'm assuming amongst the dinner party guests and watch as Jackson Bailey's mansion crumbles I try and light a cigarette off the burning mansion good roll yeah you do everyone's quite impressed off the burning mansion. Good roll. Yeah, you do. You do.

Everyone's quite impressed. Just looking at Jackson. Jackson's on his knees, head in his hands. Weeping. What the fuck happened here? Jal Dusha, you are somewhere. Lost in the peaty moors of the grounds of Jackson's mansion.

I go to sleep. You find a pleasant bit of not too damp ground. It's raining, you know. I'm sick of being drunk. I just want to go to sleep and wake up all right. You go to sleep on the ground. Wet. Cold.

Better than being on fire ground. Wet. Cold. Better than being on fire, I guess. Yeah, hey, true. After a while, other Joel. Also Joel. Wait. It's raining and cold. I won gold in the 1986 Winter Olympics for skeleton.

I'm used to lying down where it's cold. That is very true. I mean, not for like a night, but... Lots of practice. That's true. Maybe a whole night of practice. Maybe. I mean, not for like a night, but... Lots of practice. That's true. Maybe a whole night of practice. Maybe. I mean, to win goals, I probably had to. That's true.

Not easy to win goals. No. All right, you lie down comfortably. You've got like good cold stats. Yes. That's what it's about. Lie down comfortably. In the wet, soggy ground.

And have a beautiful sleep. The most comfortable, pleasant sleep you've ever had in your life. Eventually, other Joel, the mansion is nothing but ash and smoke. The fire department arrives at some point and puts it out. And you're just staring at basically a husk of what was once a proud Elizabethan mansion. Jackson comes over to you, puts a hand on your shoulder. Don't touch me. Okay, he takes it off. That was unexpected.

That I did not expect that. I sort of thought someone would notice maybe earlier, but I guess... You thought it was expected. Did you cause that fire? That's a weird turn of phrase. What are you talking about?

You thought of expecting someone would notice earlier, meaning that you assumed it was like a test or something. He's like, Mr. Jumanji. Heads over to Mr. Jumanji. Give on you like a greasy motherfucker. Eventually, the house is out completely, and a small selection of tents are erected for everyone to sleep in that night. Before you go to bed, Jackson comes over to you and he says,

I don't know where Joel is. Do you have any idea? Did he talk about leaving? I really thought that, like, I hope he hasn't bailed. I really thought the... Perished in the blaze? Did he perish in the blaze? We saw him fall out. Yeah, we did.

I don't think he perished in the blaze. I really thought the restraining... I hope he hasn't bailed. I thought the restraining order would do it for you guys. It has. Well, it got you in. I mean, I'm looking forward to that. That'll be nice.

I'm looking forward to pacing out 100 meters from you and then hurling abuse. Just never seeing me again. That'd be fucking the best. Would you like to come and look for Joel with me? Can I take George Costanza? It doesn't look like George Costanza, but isn't George Costanza. I'd like him. Instead of me or as well?

Seems you're really consistent on coming, aren't you? I just wouldn't. I don't want you guys to go missing. You're kind of my ace in the hole. Fine. Good? Fine. Alright. You head out into the grounds looking for a sleeping, comfortable Joel.

Would you like to use any stat to look for him? I don't really think anybody I don't think anyone is good at looking I'm not a good searching kind of person So let's just go a basic Rocky Balboa A basic Rocky Balboa scan of the ring You struggle to find him in the mist and the haze He's not even really looking to be honest

Let's see how Jackson does. Can we get a once over? No. Eventually, Jackson points, and you see, sleeping amongst the mist, a nestled down, very wet figure of Joel. He's soaked to the bone, but he's got a real happy little pleasant smile on his face.

He's fine. Well, as long as we know where he is, I guess. Jackson turns around and heads back to the tent. Yeah, I probably should. I'll go wake him up. Oh no, that's a mistake. I used my Rambo technique.

I am startled awake. Did you punch? Yes. Sweet, I used my Rocky Balboa to try and counter this. You're just going to have a punch on in the rain. Do you punch? Yes Sweet, I use my Rocky Balboa Punch on To counter this You're just going to have a punch on in the rain Just like a little punch

And it's like a defensive Like, oh Okay You like kind of go over to Joel And you push his shoulders a little bit Wake up, buddy And just out of nowhere A muddy fist connects with your jaw

You're like knocked for six on the ground I don't get up Do you also notice Is this what life has come to You go back to sleep I'm sure too Another smoke And just have us lie down

Look into the starry night as the rain just hits my face as I have a soggy smoke champions lying near my good friend and maybe lover, never quite established live in house partner slash

non-sexual husband yeah, that's us do it eventually you're woken by not only the break of dawn but also

Jackson Bailey standing over you with a whole bunch of equipment as well as Vince Vaughn guy looks like George Casanza

but isn't George Casanza and Mickey he's kind of like Jackson's kind of like touching your shoulders real gently like doesn't want to get hit in the face

wake up damn I thought it was all a horrible horrible Jackson's kind of like touching your shoulders real gently, like doesn't want to get hit in the face. Wake up. Damn. I thought it was all a horrible, horrible night. Time for the expedition. Quick question. So I have a few items I'd like stored just for safekeeping. Do you have any place where I can like store them? Well, I mean, the mansion burnt down.

Yeah, this is one of your, like, storage places. I can put them in the limo. Cool. I hand him what is clearly his stuff. He looks down at it. It's a few of my possessions. Kind of like, he looks up, he just, like, he turns to Mickey, I just don't...

I just don't know why they... Mickey, like, I've been so good to them and can you take these to the limousine make sure you put also joel's name on them because they're mine they're not mickey they're mine mickey look at me mickey mickey look at me look into. Mickey, look at me. Look into my eyes, Mickey. They're fucking mine. Okay, that's okay. Well, good.

Mickey kind of like looks at you and he's like, okay, I'll chuck Joel on. He walks back to the limousine. Jackson looks after him like, what is this? All my possessions being taken. So I awake this morning. My sadness is gone. I'm more just a bitter, bitter man.

I begrudgingly agree again. Cool. Because I'm like, to approach other Joel, am I still doing this? That's a restraining order. That's pretty good. I sigh like I just did then

I pop up like in between the two of you Won't touch your family Won't touch you Can't call you Can't send an email even Go to jail if I do I can finally turn my phone back on After all these years

Before we begin Jackson says Is there anything you'd need? Subway Well I mean yeah i can get you that uh write down in your equipment one subway sub give you a pencil foot long yeah he shells out you can choose the toppings just chuck it on the back anything that you'd like just some good ribeye steaks you know they're my favourite. I mean, I can do that. I was thinking if you guys wanted weapons or

anything. Oh. Also a gun. Yeah, weapons would be just the best. Okay. AK-47 would be good. Jackson clicks and Mickey goes to the back of the limousine, opens it up. And a machete. Yeah, yeah, done, done.

Joel Salmon? Also, Joel, anything I can get you? So I think a machete would be great. So a machete. Yeah, yeah, done, done. Joel Salmon? Also, Joel, anything I can get you? So I think a machete would be great. So two machetes. Two machetes would be real good. Two machetes, Mickey! What weapons would either Winston Churchill, Rocky Balboa, or Dennis Nedry use? Well, I would say Winston Churchill would use a

cane. Rocky Balboa, maybe a roll of pennies in your fist. Alright, so I'm going to need some... Dentist, Nedry, mace. I'm going to need a brass knuckle. Uh-huh. Maybe a couple of them. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just a shotgun. I can acquire that. Sure. Not a problem. Good. Let me just... God damn it.

Hang on. Let me get this fucking pen out from under the fan. I'm going to write down your equipment One subway sub A box of ribeyes One box of ribeyes Rations man Yeah

Gonna be going a while AK-47 Machete Times two I'd just like to clarify That it's a foot longlong chicken teriyaki sub. Okay. No worries.

They get a two-year order. Brass knuckles, and that was it? Yeah, two brass knuckles and a shotgun. What's good for hunting dinos? Well, I mean... Explosives, I reckon. I asked Jumanji, Mr. Jumanji, I'm like, so in your experience, what should we have? Dynamite, I reckon. I ask Jumanji, Mr. Jumanji, I'm like, so in your experience, what should we have?

Dynamite, he says. Couple sticks, throw them at the dinosaur. Yeah, all right. Grenades even? Sure. Basically, shooting a dinosaur is hard. Blowing up a dinosaur, pretty easy. I'll take a six-pack of grenades, please.

Okay. I'm imagining it like a Stobby. Yep. Six-pack of grenades, so two times six-pack of grenades. okay i'm imagining it like a stubby yep yep six pack of grenades so two two times six pack of grenades okay good any dynamite and like a whole whole mess of dynamite whole hog of dynamite is what i'm gonna write yeah good so i've got a foot long chicken teriyaki sub an ak-47 good a machete and a six pack of grenades and can you actually get that mace for me? Jackson reaches into his smoking jacket, pulls out his own

personal supply are we talking mace as in like a spray mace? or mace as in like a medieval weapon mace? because I was thinking medieval originally I thought like spray, but now a medieval mace.

Or a bommie knocker. Because I like the idea that Jackson had his own personal mace in his jacket. I pull it out and I'm like, I'm just scared of walking down alleyways alone at night. Gotta have a little protection, you know what I mean? It's a dangerous neighborhood. It is. It's my house. Sick.

Anyway, if you'll follow mickey says jackson he'll lead you to uh well the entrance he kind of like jackson kind of does little movements with his hands and then disappears to go collect your things mickey kind of walks up to the two of you what do you mean what do you follow me entrance mickey starts walking towards the burnt ruins of the Jackson mansion what does he mean by Joel what does he mean by entrance I honestly I just like go into my pocket

and reach a handful of aspirin I love it just chew down what does he mean by I'm rubbing my machete on my shorts just to like shine it and i'm like i don't know what he means other joel but i can only assume it's bad times for us in the future okay all right joanie spare aspirin yes your handful of what i call candy

pop them like m&ms yep mickey leads you Wait Can I take some ecstasy? Yeah What kind of pain killing addiction can I have? Any of you like my friend I'd go with a codeine addiction Because it's probably going to be easier to take codeine To wherever we're going Yeah

What's Valium? Valium would be an interesting time to try and fight dinosaurs on Yeah I think I want to say I have a crippling Valium would be an interesting time to try and fight dinosaurs on. Yeah. I think I want to say I have a crippling Valium addiction. Okay. Well, I've written down ecstasy codeine and Valium. Sick. So we've got a whole bag of your pills.

Yeah. Wait, are the pills separated or are they in one bag? Not one bag. So real life Joel knows the difference. Dinosaur park Joel Probably Thank god You've lived a life

Yeah not good We can tell the difference between the pills Can we though Well let's find out What stat would you like to use Are all the pills Lindsay Lohan from Hermie the Love Bug I think that's a pretty good stat

Yeah it is it's your highest Yeah no You can tell the difference between the pills Can I Yeah, it is. It's your highest. Yeah, no. You can see the difference between the pills. Can I? Let's find out. What stat do you want to use? I reckon Rocky Balboa would probably need some pain relief. You cannot. You look in there, you're like,

there it is, all that Lindsay Lohan knowledge coming in useful. You look in and you're like it's all pills to me i grab two oh no i grab two and pop them in what happens i'm gonna need something for this entrance immediately like your body starts to feel real numb and real like kind of numb but where the clothes are touching you real good that sounds like a mix of valium and ecstasy like you sort of stumble a bit on the stairs as you're walking through the rubble of the burnout mansion eventually mickey leads you to what at some point clearly was a basement but is now just stairs i want to like be rubbing the handle of the machete because I reckon it would feel real good.

It does. It's like a real pleasant kind of like rubbery, but kind of like leather as well. And there's like a nice little strap to kind of play with. Do you guys got some gum? Mickey probably gives you half a pack of double mint. Thanks. I'll start chewing away. Real good.

Always real good. Are you sure that all of your medicine, it says in quotation marks, that's going to help you when you're in the park? Oh, yes. Because I get the brass knuckles

and a little bit the rib eye, but I don't know if I get the, you know, codeine and the like. It's painkillers. Codeine and Valium might make a bit of sense. Ecstasy, though.

That's the questionable one. Well, I mean, sure. What if there's a rave? Yeah, what if the research team want to party? Yeah, what if? It leads you down the stairs. And you see that these stairs go a lot lower than any base station. And eventually they come out in a small laboratory of sorts.

And there's a large industrial door that seems to just head off deep into the underground. This area is big. Like we're talking about the size of a warehouse. There's a couple of Jeeps set up. There are some people working away. This is clearly like the area where Jackson Bailey has been communicating with Dinosaur Park, at least with the research team. Eventually, Jackson Bailey arrives and he kind of plumps down a big bag of everything that you've asked for. You got your pills early, I guess.

Personal supply, I have a mace and pills. You can also see Vince Vaughn is there and a guy who looks like George Costanza, but isn't. They're all standing around ready waiting to go Jackson sort of comes up to you before you head off anything you want to know any questions you got

about what you're facing how many I look at him I look at Jackson like yes how much codeine would it take to kill Vince Vaughn let's see if Jackson knows wow yeah I'm well aware I've been blotting the month

Jackson really reaches into the bag and pulls out a handful of the right amount of pills or whatever I put that in a separate bag if he ever gets too annoying while he's napping pop him in that's what i do i've been slowly figuring it out i did oh two three building it up and i reckon this will get

him done so we've got a bag of various pills and now i've got a bag of codeine in brackets lethal dose lethal dose for vince all right if you'd like to hop onto the jeep it's quite a large jeep it's got two three seats in the front Mickey sits in one there's two jeeps Mickey sits in the middle

either one of you want to drive or do you want Mickey to do it I'll drive I'll use my Herbie the Lovebug Lindsay Lohan from Herbie the Lovebug skills

I'm you drive and I'll crank the tunes though for you don't stress Having a great chill time You can see Vince Vaughn and the like are hopping in the other one Zamit

You notice what sounds like As Jackson Bailey You get in the jeeps and he says Alright open her up And the door with a Begins to open and you can see Down this tunnel that seems to extend forever down the tunnel. As that opens, you hear what sounds like maybe like a whimper, like a child's whimper coming from the seat of the truck behind you.

There's a blanket over something. I just closed my eyes. I just closed my eyes. I just closed my eyes. A small Argentinian child pokes his head out of the truck bed. Hello? He says. These will be your health.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, what? Over the course of this game, you have 10 Argentinian children. When all of them are gone, you die. That's how we're playing this. Okay. I look at the bag of codeine that I've got for the lethal dose of bids, and I look at it for a long time.

So 10. Out of character. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a long time. So 10. Out of character. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we have 10. This is the way I've decided that your health is going to work. Normally in, whatever the fuck we're playing. Rises. Rises.

Normally when you get damaged, you lose skill points, right? But that's kind of irrelevant to what we're doing. So instead, you have 10 Argentinian children. Provided by, this is, it's Provided by You can question Jackson about this This is not like Some meta No, this happens So when you're damaged or attacked

You basically have the option To not get attacked By putting an Argentinian child In front of you But then do we also have health Outside of that? No. So one hit and we're dead.

They're dinosaurs, mate. Come on. Ah. Ah. I see how this is played. So the choice is us or the children. Ten times, though. He's got to be real good at not dying.

Maybe push a little bit of Vince Vaughn in the way oh yeah I mean you also have Vince Vaughn, Mickey and a guy who looks like George Costanza but who isn't George Costanza

those are options for you and I'm sure hey maybe you'll pick up some colourful characters along the way is Mr. Jumanji with us? no he's watching though him, Mr. Jumanji

and Mr. and Mrs. Elijah Wood are watching from the kind of staircase Jackson yes why are there 10 why is there one Argentinian child Mr. and Mrs. Elijah Wood are watching from the kind of staircase. Jackson? Yes. Why are there ten... Why is there one Argentinian child that I can see? Ah, incorrect.

In fact, there are ten. I look up. Why? Uh, look. Let's just let bygones be bygones and not worry about it. No. There's... What's your name? He doesn't speak English.

Por que Let's see. I use my You speak Argentinian. I use my Rambo skills. Oh yeah. Que so? You

You managed to communicate. Yes. Well done. Using your Let's see what are you going to use Your Winston Churchill Actually that's probably a clever move Dennis Nedry

Alright Because like he seems like He'd know a few things You Also Managed to speak Argentinian We're going to regret this Because now

We communicate with the children That we could potentially kill I'm never going to kill one You'll just die're just already attached we already lost so many children the first time uh what do you what do you ask of the child what's your name puebla how'd you get here uh one day i am in my village and then the next day I wake up down here. How long have you been here? About a month.

I am well looked after, as are my brothers and sisters. He kind of like moves the blanket off and you can see there are several Argentinian children in the back of the Jeep. Oh, there's more. Oh, like I said, there are ten. I pull my machete out of its holder and just start rubbing it on my pants like I'm ready to use it. I just close my eyes. Close my eyes and chew my gum and just like, what? Is 10 not enough? What do you mean not enough

for what? Well, I have more if you need more. What do you mean not enough? Well, I mean like I don't know. You seem upset about the Argentinian children. Maybe you don't have enough Argentinian children. Why would I ever need Argentinian children? I'm not saying your lives are worthless Argentinian children. I'm just saying why would I ever have enough Argentinian children. Why would I ever need Argentinian... I'm not saying your lives are worthless, Argentinian children. I'm just saying, why would I ever need an Argentinian child? I don't know.

I just think Jackson kind of gives you a look. You can interpret this. He kind of looks at you and mouths, Me, child? You're a monster. I'm just practical. You're a fucking monster. At this point, Mickey puts his foot

Dusha, I'm assuming, puts your foot to the pedal and begins to leave. Puts the foot to the pedal. Pedal to the metal? That's what I was getting at. I've been watching all this through the rear view mirror. Is there a blanket around? There's a blanket that was covering the Argentinian

children. I just want to hug myself into a blanket. I think I'm blanket that was covering the Argentinian children. I just want to hug myself into a blanket. I think I'm going to put it over my face and try and kill us all. I want to maybe just curl up in the back seat. Just curl up in the back seat. The Argentinian children look at you. They're just kind of like, I don't know what's happening. We don't know what's happening. One of them turns to you. What's happening?

I look, cause I'm looking in the rear view mirror at this child. He asked that and I break eye contact, looks down and sigh. I do not know, son. We're not even a dinosaur park. I can only assume that things are're not even a dinosaur park.

I can only assume that things are about to get a lot worse. Have you ever seen a big dinosaur before, mate? Dinosaurs are all gone. Oh, you poor, sweet summer child. You drive down the corridor and it goes for a very long time. We're talking not days, but we're talking maybe five hours, something like that. You're driving and you're driving and you're driving. And you notice that it starts to get colder and colder and colder to the point where you're nearly freezing. And then...

After five hours, you'd have calmed down too. Look, you're like, this is five hours where I'm not dealing with Jackson. I'm not fighting dinosaurs. Maybe you're getting, this is five hours where I'm not dealing with Jackson. I'm not fighting dinosaurs. Maybe you're getting to know the little Argentinian children. You want to know

some more names? Yeah, I'm getting to know them. Getting to know them. I'll write these down. Yeah, good.

Please do. Become attached. So we've got Pablo. Yep. Julieta. Mm-hmm. Good. Camila.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Matias. Yep. Good. Camila. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Matias. Yep. Franco. Federico. Tell me when I'm at 10. Brian.

Valentin. Mm-hmm. Ariel. Mm-hmm. Milagros. That's her name. I ain't pulling these out of my ass. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. That's 10. All right, there you go. Roll a D10 for me. I ain't pulling these out of my arse That's 10

Roll a d10 for me I don't have it What number? You got 6 You making a best front? Frederico is my favourite Alright, Dushy, do you want to see if you get to know an Argentinian child or are you trying

not to get attached? It's hard, They're adorable. I just focus on the road and try not to think about it. Eventually. Zamit, you can see up ahead in the tunnel what looks like an animal of some sort. It's kind of moving very

weak and raggedly, but it's clearly apparent that there's something up ahead. Do you want to try and have a better look? Yeah. Okay. I now have more wits about me that have come down. I know we're into Dino Park. You kind of stand up in your seat and try and get a better look,

but it's really hard to make out. At this point, you see it as well, Lucia. You recognize it. It's a saber-tooth tiger. By this point, you've noticed that the inside of the tunnel is starting to get kind of really icy. So the floor is sort of slippery to drive on. The walls are starting to perspirate. It's looking sort of frozen where you are now.

And there's this saber-tooth pacing back and forth back and forth uh about maybe trying to hit it with the car can i roll knowledge uh saber tooth kana yes knowledge saber kana yes or winston church yes yeah well roll whiz and church i'll just remember what i know about saber tooth tigers from wow you did exceptionally well You know a great deal Your time in Dinosaur Park and Dinosaur Park The Lost Park Has caused you to You're like, this is something that's happening to me I need to know what I'm up against

So you know that Sabertooth tigers Hunt primarily meat You know that they Probably need a lot of area to run around They don't really have any weak spots as such. You know, they're one of the largest predators of the mammalian.

Do I know if they hunt in packs? Yes, they do hunt in packs. Good. But you can't see any others. Also, Joel, if he knows anything about saber-toothed tigers. I relay that. I think they hunt in packs, so be wary. I'm going to get a gun out.

I say no. Don't stress about that. We're driving a Jeep, aren't we? And there's another Jeep behind you with Vince Vaughn. I reckon we got this. Yeah, right. I use my lazy low horn from Herbie the love bug to run down this saber-toothed tiger all right i say just before i put my foot down even further i'm like everyone's strapping

everybody does the argentinian children hunker down you slam your foot on the paddle the tunnel echoes with the jeep revving up and you like you can see in the tiger's face a little shock and fear it doesn't look the closer you get you realize this is not a healthy looking tiger it's skin and bone and when the jeep connects solidly with the rib cage and just everything of this saber-tooth tiger there's a sickening crunch viscera blood bone slides up against the windshield looking at the side zamit you can see like the head of the saber-tooth tiger and the front paws just like roll very pathetically away as you drive through good i'm pleased with this there's like a very brief as it gets smacked

and you carry on driving as if nothing happened you can hear a wham from vince Good. I'm pleased with this. There's like a very brief as it gets smacked. And you carry on driving as if nothing happened. You can hear a from Vince's voice. I turn on the windscreen wipers. You wipe away viscera and a pore. I, yeah, I just relayed to the car. I was like, I've seen this so much before.

These aren't animals. They're monsters I'm fully aware Up ahead Dushu, you notice that there's basically a cave-in in the tunnel something of a dead end, and it's getting icy and slippery you're going to need to slam on the brakes now

or risk crashing or die embrace the void. Samit, you notice it as well. Looks like the tunnel is caved in from above. Is there any way for me to try and drive around it? No, it looks like completely the tunnel is sealed up. I look at the void.

Look at the oncoming void. I'm like, yes, look at the Argentine children. Damn. What's happening? They ask. I don't want the children. I announce like

also Joel if it was just me and you I would not stop accelerating but I I would encourage that

it's a whole harder thing Mickey in the middle is like what why I'm here still you just kill me because you want

to die that bad I shoot a smile in the rearview mirror. I'm like, sorry, Mickey. I would. You're lucky for the children. And I just apply the brake. All right. Let's see if you don't crash and die.

Use my Lindsay Lowe from the Levy the Love Bug stat. Okay. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Just slam on the brakes and start sliding sort of back and forth along the ice as you do, you can hear Vince Vaughn and George Costanza, who's not George Costanza

being like, what is happening? your car slides and just brakes to a halt, like inches away from the cave-in, let's see if Vince Vaughn and the gang have the same amount of luck I hope, but please just plough straight into the... Does Vince Vaughn die a fiery death? Find out next time on Dinosaur Park.

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