Plumbing the Death Star - If You Were a Superman Villain What Would Your Gimmick Be? (Feat. Mr SundayMovies)

Episode Date: October 9, 2016

In which our heroes pick up a comic, flick through the pages and decide to give this Superman fella the business while asking if we were a Superman villain, what would our gimmick be? Straight off the bat we discuss evil wizards, the keys to hassling Superman and the in and outs of Lex Luthor's land deals. Jackson has a complex plan to put Superman back in a TV, Zammit remembers that the Irredeemable comic is super good, Duscher tries to argue the logistics of a sentient tornado and James just wants everyone to remember that Pa Kent is a bad bloke. Join us as we all realise very quickly why Superman villains are all the same and if there is one take away lesson from today's episode it's that you should never trust a dog.Want to help us hassle Superman’s grapes? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can start giving him the business today.In Melbourne and want to see the Plumbing Boys live? You can purchase your tickets right here https://www.trybooking.com/NIPH. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, are you a John Wayne or a John Wayne Gacy? with added spooks, November 4 at the Eureka Hotel in Melbourne. Tickets are available in the show notes below, or if you head to our Facebook page, you'll find an event, click attending, buy 10 tickets, and see you and nine of your mates there. It's sure to be a spectacular night full of spooks and laughs and more spooks and stories about how Sydney almost ruined us. We look to see you there. Killed it. Leave all this in zamit enjoy the show hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like if you were a superman villain this land deals

makes a superman villain it's always a land deal. We're Lex Luthor land deal. That's true. Superman 1. Superman 2, maybe? Superman Returns. Superman Returns, definitely. Superman 2, I think, is odd.

Yeah. All right. So I think you need to either be... Batman v Superman. There's also a land deal. There's a land deal. Is there a land deal? There's some kind of...

What's Lex Luthor up to? What's he trying to get done? What's his wily tricks? I know, he's just stealing rocks and shit. Kissing in jars. I feel like most Superman villains fall into like two categories. They're either Superman in a shape or form. Yeah.

Like Superman, evil Superman. Like a Zod or whatever. A Zod Superman. Or a cyborg Superman. Yeah. Exactly. Man of steel. Or you're just like from Krypton coming to hassle the shit out of Superman. Like a Zod or whatever. A Zod Superman. Cyborg Superman. Yeah. Exactly. Man of Steel. Or you're just like from Krypton coming to hassle the shit out of Superman.

Zod. Zod. Or you're like Mixoplex. He's like a dimensional being from somewhere else. He's hassling Superman. His greatest enemy. One way or the other, you're giving Superman the business. That's how most of his villains...

It never seems like it's direct. It's more like, this is kind of Superman's problem. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Brainiac appears and you're not looking to the Flash. You're like, come on, Supes. He's your mate. That's how it kind of goes down.

I think the Flash would be amazing at taking out Brainiac. I think the Flash would be probably good for all of Superman's villains, really. I think the Flash is probably fine to take out any rogue in any gallery. He's real quick and can punch real good. He travels so fast sometimes that he travels in different dimensions and time. Yeah. That guy's powerful. Sometimes he Flash points.

Anyway, if I was a Superman villain, I would be black and white Superman, which is Superman from a black and white TV show. Or like somebody was filming him. I'm quite Silver Age. Sure. Or even Golden Age. The first one's Golden Age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. TV show or like like somebody was filming him I'm quite silver age sure even even golden age wasn't the first ones yeah and like maybe a wizard or something pulled me out of this TV yeah and I came to stop Superman or maybe I did bad things and blamed it on Superman so you just want to be black and white Bizarro oh no because it'd be yeah, it's a black and white Superman.

You pulled out and then you start doing shit and they take like pictures. But because it's like old timey newspapers. They're like, oh, no, Superman's been punching kids or whatever. We've got to stop him. And then Superman himself comes and fights me. And he's going to put me back in the TV at the end of every little episode, every issue of the comic book. I don't think I'm a TV show Superman, Dylan.

I think I'm very much a golden age comic book superhero. Wait, why is Superman punching kids or whatever? No, I am. Right, okay. Because I'm like, so imagine, yeah. Why are you? To frame Superman. But why?

Because I want to put him in the TV. The comic book. The comic book. No, no, I'm Cormac Teevick. Let me explain this from the start. If he comes. I think one of us is on board Wait no I get it So there's a black and white footage

Of Superman Because it's the 50s Even the 40s maybe Somebody, an evil wizard perhaps Okay so I thought you were the wizard No no no I'm the black and white Superman They use magic To whoop whoop who the wizard coming out of the TV. No, no, no, I'm the black and white Superman. They use magic to whoop, whoop, whoop, pull me out of the TV,

peel me out, whatever. I come out all black and white and fuzzy like a TV Superman. I go commit crimes so that Superman gets in trouble, and because it's on a black and white camera, it looks just like Superman. That has to be before the dawn of digital photography. Yes. So like so it's pretty 60s 1940s 1950s superman villain gotcha and then at the end of every it's not the 40s villain pulled out into the modern no no no i mean you probably could but it would be for like a one-off death you know what i mean or superman himself

superman murdered his villain or just like you know? Like a comic book makes fun of an old villain. That. Maybe I'm brought back to die as like a, like, this is a big deal crossover sort of thing, you know? Yeah, yeah. Where they're like, I will happily kill off some golden age villain no one remembers. Black and white. Black and white Superman. Do you think there's a chance, though, that you'd be good?

You'd come into the real world and you'd be like, I'm Superman. Or would the wizard put like a weird curse on you or whatever? Oh, that's a good, I mean, maybe I'd come into the world and I'd be like, you'm Superman or would the wizard put like a weird curse on you or whatever? I mean, maybe I'd come into the world and I'd be like you know, I'm good, I'm doing the good deeds and it wouldn't be kind of like out of character for 1950s golden age Superman to be like, no, I'm Superman and like present it in quite

a good light, he just puts me back in the TV even though I've not done anything wrong I don't think that would be out of character. Please Superman don't, I don't want to go in there. It's dark and cold. Superman, my existence is strange. What am I? Are you 2D?

I mean, it wouldn't matter, really, would it? Because you're getting photos. Are you like Paper Superman, like Paper Mario? That's kind of cool. I mean, I could be. All the strength and everything. For some reason, I imagine myself peeled out of the image. So, yeah, sure, I'll be 2D. Mad.

I'll be 2D Superman. I feel like Superman's going to beat you by pulling out Bizarro out of a TV. And because you're Superman, but you do bad, Bizarro's going to come out and do good. So, Bizarro TV. Black and white Bizarro is good Bizarro. Yeah. Does Bizarro have to go back in the TV? Absolutely.

Or Bizarro's dying, either one. Yeah. But he's good. He's probably dying, either one. But he's good. He's probably going to die then. But he's... Nobody dies in Golden Age. He's going to jail. Yeah.

In fact, I'll probably go to jail too. What'll probably happen is you'll be... No, you'll be drawn in jail like in 2D. Yes. And it'll be in 3D. I feel like Superman... Because good also just come from a drawing of Superman. Superman's going to punch the wizard,

and it's going to turn you good and Bizarro bad, and then you and Bizarro are both going to go to jail. I also feel like I might be a villain from a hostess Twinkies comic. You know, at the back of like a... It doesn't quite seem like I'm full issue worthy. It seems more like I'm from that was the weirdest fucking reference you know the ones i've seen we know what you mean i know you mean but like you know

what do you know what i mean like the spider-man comics that used to come in the newspaper where it's like four panels terrible exactly terrible those comics terrible i remember i'm sure nobody ever uh read it but there was this guy called josh reeds who used to read through all of the saturday morning cartoon the comic and just like mock the shit out of them and like a recurring or nobody ever read it, but there was this guy called Josh Reeds who used to read through all of the Saturday morning comics and just mock the shit out of them. And a recurring joke because it just happened is that Spider-Man never fought his villains. They would

turn up, he would not go fight, whine, and then something would happen and he wouldn't have to fight them. That's good. All the time. That's alright. He bitched and moaned. It was great. He's the whiniest Spider-Man in existence. That's good. All the time? That's alright. He bitched and moaned? Oh, it was great. He's the whiniest Spider-Man in existence. That's safe. Yeah, he's a whiny bitch.

I feel like I'm a hostess Twinkies or like a fruitcake kind of villain. A glass of cherry. Yeah, exactly. Kool-Aid. They kill me with the power of Kool-Aid. Yeah, that's mad. Maybe Superman pours red Kool-Aid on me and I go red and shrivel up because I'm paper. Yeah, what's the weakness of a man who's been pulled out of a TV?

Paper kryptonite. Paper. Paper kryptonite, yes. Superman draws kryptonite and throws it at you. And I'm like, ah! Oh, it's like the whole DC thing where they've got to go to the fourth dimension, they go through it, so you've got to get God to draw a kryptonite. I bet. That bullshit.

go to the fourth dimension they go through it so you gotta get god to draw a kryptonite i bet that bullshit you know like with batman we did this for batman we like we we made it real edgy for like oh this is for like your 90s comics i think for like the bullshit dc multiverse fucking shit i'm in like some space where they like use me to explain like the idea of a superman yeah like some fucking garbage about how like oh i represent the idea of superman but the original creator was like i just wanted to sell kool-aid fucking no look what happened is this is set in our world there's the artist has drawn superman and then a superman happens in real life and then they realize that it's and it's like irredeemable kind of superman where it's just nuts yeah it's and it's like irredeemable kind of Superman where he's just nuts yeah it's like

he's powered by everyone's idea of Superman and then and then the artist is like oh yeah because I can't give a man that many powers and expect him to stay pure

because it's the 90s and Watchmen has happened and every superhero is fucking edgy now fuck it it was a good comic and dumb but fuck it was good

yeah and then sets fire to his building and then Black and White Superman burns. And that's maybe the title of the final chapter. Black and White Superman burns.

I thought you were going to go racial. You're like, you can't hit me, Superman. I represent all races. Nice try, Superman. You're a paragon of good. Good luck hitting a man who is every race. Fuck, that's a muchagon of good. Good luck to the man who is every race. Fuck, that's a much better Superman villain.

Multi-race Superman. Alright, that's mine. Well, I thought mine was... Actually, no, mine was dumb and it still is. Alright, so I need you to think back to... So, I've gone for something that's not superman and not from krypton oh okay so in man of steel we need to emphasize one scene because it's actually my villain's first appearance oh my gosh he's in man of steel that's exciting um so i want you to think back to like the greatest tragedy in clark's life the death of his father tornadoes

my villain is that tornado. I knew that was coming. So he said, Man of Steel. I'm like, where's he going? Of course. The same. So how does Superman fight the wind? How does Superman fight?

Superman has fought the wind. What? You ever play Superman Returns the Game? The last villain, yeah, is you fight a tornado. Holy shit. For real. I just pitched a real villain. You pitched a real villain. But is it a villain or just a tornado? No, it's fight a tornado holy shit for real I just pitched a real villain you pitched a real villain

but is it a villain or just a tornado no it's just a tornado and you're in the middle and you got it's like make balance the tornado use your powers

or whatever have you played it no it's terrible I mean it's really good I remember playing Superman 64 yeah no

it's no it was on Xbox I want to say yeah what the hell yeah it's real bad it's weird because like I want to say. What the hell? Yeah, it's real bad. Because I know in the Nintendo 64, when you fly through rings in the last level,

it's like, freeze this bomb. Gotcha. And then Lex is there. Bad game. You might punch it. I played that one. I played that one. So I have a question for you.

Because this is what I originally thought you were pitching. So hang on. Just me. You know in Jaws the Revenge When the shark is like I'm sentient now and I'm hunting down your family Because you killed my dad Or whatever Imagine a tornado version of that

Hang on I thought you were Superman's dad No I thought you were Park Kent Fused with the tornado that took him To teach Yeah no that's perfect Park Kent fused with the tornado that took him. Oh, to teach whirling. Yeah, no, that's perfect. Because Park Kent

Whirling across America. That's way better. Because Park Kent wants to teach Superman a lesson. And what Park Kent wants is Superman to conceal his powers forever. You can't save everyone. So he's just sweeping up cities and just being like, Stay back, son!

You can't save everyone! Clark! Let them die! I feel like Park Kent on his own is a villain. And his parents in general, though. That's what I was going to suggest, because they're just terrible people. Like, really kind of, like, just

pushing them away from doing anything good. It's like, you can't save everyone, and humans are fucking pieces of shit, Clark. Tell them to go fuck themselves, fuck them all. And Park Kent's in his head because he died, but he turns up in Batman v Superman and he's like, I diverted a river into a house. Or whatever, do you remember that?

I killed a bunch of livestock and it sucked. Got my neighbour good. Fucked him right up. What was the lesson in that? I don't know, but that's the point, I guess. He's a bad bloke. But I think putting him with a tornado is even better because he's doing the destruction.

He is the problem and the solution. It's Parkin in brackets tornado form. That's my villain. What I like about that is that Superman actually can't fight a tornado. Can't punch a tornado. He can't punch a tornado. He can punch Park Hen. You can punch the things in a tornado. Which is probably what it would be resort to.

He'd have to punch Park Hen out of the tornado. He'd be throwing stuff into the tornado to make the tornado heavy so it would stop. Is that how tornadoes work? No, but I imagine that's how this tornado would work. See, I feel like he's going to lift this tornado into space. How would he grab? He'll grab the bottom. How would he grab?

The bottom, the handle, of course. You know, when it's like the little point at the bottom. Just grab that one. Pick it up. Whack people in it. Like a spinning top. You put your hand down there. And he's like, oh, got it, got it.

Take it to space, take it to space. Parkhead's like, no, my only weakness. There's no wind in space, so we've got it. Parkhead's fucked. I figured freeze breath would get it. Yeah, that would probably do it. Can you freeze a tornado, though? Superman could.

Man of Steel Superman doesn't have freeze breath. Oh, yeah, he doesn't, does he? And this is that universe. I feel like your comic is like a weird, maybe even unofficial tie-in comic that is being sold at comic book stores, and you're like, oh, this says that it's like a tie-in to the new Man of Steel book stores and you're like, oh this says that it's like a tie-in to the new Man of Steel movie and you're like what is this?

It's exactly the same up until that point. Zod never comes. But I think he could make that as a sequel. Just be like, he's just been gathering momentum. Wow. Zack Snyder, if you're listening, I know you are. Man of Steel 2, you just greenlit it buddy. Man of Steel 2, Tornado no no, Parkhand brackets Tornado Force.

Tornado Boy. Unstoppable Force. Does he have a face? Parkhand's like his face. Like a big face? See, I was imagining for some reason, like, Parkhand's this torso. Like, I don't know why, but he lost his legs, and that was just, like, whirling around the Tornado.

I don't know why, but I imagine you could either have a dude like Parkhand is in the tornado, or like a face. Yeah, I imagined Parkhand's lifeless body just flying around the tornado, but the tornado makes his face like pop out. I was imagining, but kind of similar, but not the tornado

make his face, and Parkhand was still alive making that same face that he made when he got in the tornado. That kind of like this is when he got in the tornado that kind of like this is the way it should be but kind of like real still like a statue

and he occasionally just comes out of the tornado as Clark's watching just to remind him this is like a sneaky tornado that's always

following Clark ever watchful he's dealing with doomsday and shit and he's like Clark what did I say? Don't save everyone. Because in this world, it's like Superman defeats Metallo, right? He's got him.

He's gone. Hooray. Superman, like, leaves back to the Justice League tower and the tornado comes. You're like, it doesn't matter if Superman gets the main villain. That tornado's on its way. It's true. Where the fuck do you lie?

The Flash could stop it if it ran the other way around. That's true. That's where the Flash trumps Superman once again. Well, again, Superman could do that too. Yeah, that's true.

But he's not as far. Well, Flash is apparently faster on land than Superman is flying. All right. But Superman can't run as fast as Flash. I think you're going to

say Flash is faster on land than Superman is in water. That may be true also. I didn't know. The Flash is just faster, period. Yeah. Like, depending on the version, but that's the general rule. But yeah, Superman never travels.

Superman never flashpoints. That's true. He never flashpoints. He never gets that quick. He does punch the universe that hard that it breaks. That's true. Some versions can reverse time. If we can return to the tornado scene,

my villain would be the dog in that tornado and i just lure the people that superman loves into like really precarious situations and then they demand that he not rescue them so you just systematically kill everybody he loves that dog come before or after superman because if it's before I love the idea that the dog is like, this is my parents. You're right. Well, I think he's like a teenager in that scene he's supposed to be. So possibly.

Potentially, but we don't know when the dog comes out. Yeah. And we don't know how old Superman is when he hits the earth. Yeah, true.

Because he goes through the portal or whatever. He could be three. He could be a baby. Like, we don't know. So maybe the dog's just jealous. I wish Man of Steel included the naked baby

lifting up a car scene I love that scene it's bloody great Mara Park Kent is so shocked I'd be shocked too if my pickup was suddenly being

lifted by an infant what's more impressive the fact that the baby's walking or lifting up the car lifting up the car good answer yeah that was lifting the car

flying would also be a bit of a bit of a time is the reason like babies walking that's pretty crazy like it's real young it doesn't have knees yet yeah that's fucked i guess without knees i think it's very impressive that superman has knees at all but that's just me is the dog like a real good villain because superman can't kill a dog yeah i guess so remember he kills a dog he's going to jail Superman can't kill a dog? Yeah, I guess so. If everybody kills a dog, he's going to jail. You can't kill a dog. If you saw Superman kill a dog, everything you believe about Superman,

you'd throw out the window. Yeah, and I don't think the Superman would suspect the dog. No. Superman's too bright-faced and bushy-tailed, Superman. Although it's Man of Steel, Superman. He's probably happy to kill anything. Yeah, that's true. Is the dog mind-cont controlling the people that Clark loves?

No, I think it's just like a cute-ish dog. So it gets close to a person. Like it moves in with Lois because it killed both of Clark's parents. And then she loves it and whatever. And then it lures her to the top of a volcano and then runs off. And she falls in or whatever. But then how is the dog trying to convince Lois to be like, Clark, don't save me?

Oh, that's a good point. Maybe the dog has to also get itself in danger. Yeah. And so they're like, save the dog, not me. Bye. Yeah, that's what happens because the dog gets away and Jonathan gets his leg stuck. So the dog would have to set some kind of trap for the person.

Superman is never going to suspect every million years. By the sixth death, that dog has been in every single one. I reckon you could get six deaths in. What's that? Lana, Lois, the two parents, Perry White,

and Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy Olsen was already shot in the head. And actually, if you pause that scene and just go forward a few frames, there's a dog in that scene. A dog's like, do it. Just rubbing its paws. Go to. I don't know where they go.

Where are they? In the middle of the Middle East. Yeah. Go to the Middle East, Jimmy. Bark, bark. I should go to the Middle East. Yeah, good, bark. Good. What's that dog's end goal? bark bark I should go to the middle east good bark good

what's that dog's end goal I don't know he's a bit of a chaos agent mate that dog just wants to watch the world burn as a dog then you can just call the comic book issue just like superman clever boy yes

oh that's good and that's the kind of thing that down the track will be like ratconned like as the doing of another villain. You know what I mean? The dog was actually Brainiac'd. Nah, like you know how Superman has Super Dog,

whatever his name, Crypto, yeah? It'd be Zod's dog. Ah, okay, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's Bizarro Crypto. Ah, yeah. Bizarro Crypto wants to kill people instead of save people. They'd probably be like, the opposite of a dog is a cat or some bullshit. Which we all know is true, actually.

Yes, there are all dogs are cats and cats are dogs in Bizarro Earth. Which leaves things roughly the same. Bizarro just as a villain is stressful because like what first of all as an idea why has that just been a thing that we just keep going back to be like yeah that was a good one second of all like they often are just like yeah the opposite of superman but he's not no he's not and he doesn't live in an opposite world he just lives in a world that's a bit wrong like it's not bizarre you're right then there's bizarro bizarro in all-star superman where it does stuff right and everyone's like fuck you

but there's bizarro bizarro no it's like so he goes to bizarro world and there's a bizarro that is born wrong who does everything right so practically superman is he like all stupid as well he's stupid but not as stupid. Okay. So like in between no one cares but I'm going to explain this anyway. I care. Between Superman and Bizarro this Bizarro is probably

halfway on the clever to dom scale. Okay sure. You know what I like? Bizarro has like a stone necklace that says number one something on it. Right? Or the S on it? Yeah. Yeah, he's got that thing. The stone.

So the opposite of fabric is rocks. That's the takeaway there. I guess so. I mean, that's what I'm thinking. Is Bizarro scared? Because Superman's very brave. No, Bizarro, I don't know. I think he's cowardly.

Not overly, though. I got a lot of Bizarro questions. Not enough to call it an opposite. There's not enough minutes in a day to talk Bizarro, I don't know, I think he's cowardly. Not overly, though. I got a lot of Bizarro questions. Not enough to call it an opposite. There's not enough minutes in a day to talk Bizarro. There's also a version of him that's like a clone that's gone wrong. Yeah, Lex said they just called Bizarro and you'd think Superman would be like, actually, that's a bad name because it's a real Bizarro. Oh, in the Red Sun, Bizarro is American Superman.

Yeah. In Red Sun. Is it? I think so. I've read that. They clone Superman. It comes out wrong. Yeah, and then he's dead or some shit.

There's a Bizarro Batman. I love that version of Russian Batman. Oh, yeah. Is that what you're talking about? No, I was saying Bizarro Batman. But Russian Batman's good as too. What's bugged me is that Bizarro Superman is not called Bizarro Superman. It's just called Bizarro Batman But Russian Batman's good as too What's bugged me is that Bizarro Superman is not called

Bizarro Superman it's just called Bizarro But Bizarro Batman is called Bizarro Batman That's ridiculous It should be

Bizarro Superman Or it should be Bizarro and then Batsaro That's What are you doing? Yeah The opposite of a bat

is not a bat though So Batman Bizarro is also fucked up What is the opposite of a bat is not a bat, though. So Batman Bizarro is also fucked up. What is it? A flea. What is the opposite of a bat? Just an inside out bat. No, because a cat's the opposite of a dog. Yeah, we already established that, Dusha. God damn it.

I need to pay attention. Come on, man. Well, okay. What's covered in not skin? A lizard? An apple. An apple. An apple.

An apple. Apple woman. All right. That's the opposite of Batman. Apple woman Alright That's the opposite of Batman Apple woman Just an apple What's the opposite of Wonder Woman? Like

What's the opposite of Kind of mediocre man? Av man Nothing about him is amazing Literally nothing Anyway My villain Wouldn't necessarily be a Superman villain,

but it would be a villain of Ma and Pa Kent's farm, and it would be their neighbor always hassling their grapes, doing all kind of farmer bullshit, like trying to steal a bit of their land. Land deals. A lot of land deals. And being like, actually, I have prop ownership of this square patch of land. So basically, your supervillain is the Wicked Witch from the West in The Wizard of Oz.

Yeah. Because I'm into that. Which also has a tornado in it, weirdly enough. Crossover. Well, I was even thinking someone like a neighbor of a farm or someone who's after journalist Clark Kent. Right. Yeah, you're attacking him on a different front.

Attacking the man, not the super. Exactly like that. Neighbors of Maram Harkin, which comes into this. Attacking the man, not the soup off. Exactly. I like that. Neighbours of Maram Hakan, which comes into this. I'd probably just be like, witchcraft, get him hung. Sorry, what? Can't we elaborate? Okay, so you know how they were like,

hey, your crops are better than my crops, you must be a witch. Yes, in the crucible times. Yeah, yeah. I want to say 1600s, but that might be a little too modern. I reckon if you started doing that again now, but you were like, no, but really, probably Witches and Wizards. Especially if they've got a Superman.

Oh, all right. I think I'm over... You've got a good case. It is the era of ridiculous shit, like, right now. I mean, I guess. But I don't think... Yeah, really. It's a good argument.

Also, bringing wizards into it. No, witches. They're not actually witches. You said witches and wizards into it no witches they're not actually witches you said witches and wizards yeah but they're not actually witches and wizards it's different if you mean like burn them they're a witch

and burn them they're a wizard they're witches then I'm sorry I retract I still disagree nah cause like in the Blair Witch Project is coming out

everyone's a bit on edge they think it's real yeah Superman exists so it's just actual magic yeah exactly you're like they're a witch they'd be like well we got people who can check that we got that yeah and it's like no it's just a an oil tycoon who like wants like the oil underneath your farm well i think if it's if it's a villain of mara park kent superman's probably not going to be able to do anything

about it lex might solve the problem that's true yeah or clark can could just divert a river into their house that's true which you might know he's good. That's true. Or Clark Kent could just divert a river into their house. That's true. Which he might. Which he's good at. That's true. Dig underneath so much that, like, it's just a big cave. See, I like the idea that, like, you know, he has a rightful claim to, like, half of their land or something, and then, like, Superman is so just completely, like,

not powered enough to do anything to do it. Lex Luthor comes in and saves the day, and Ma and Pa are like, fucking look at Lex. What a sick lad. Why can't you be more like what a sick lad what have you done for us recently Clark oh you stopped a meteor but mate Lex fixed this lamb problem I feel like this is a plot and then Lex Luthor

then owns Superman's birth home I feel like that's a plot of Smallville like I feel like this happens it is it absolutely is it sounded familiar I haven't even seen Smallville like I feel like this happens it probably happened in Smallville it absolutely is it sounded familiar

I haven't even seen Smallville isn't the Lex Luthor in that he forgets he gets amnesia

so he doesn't remember Clark yeah because the comic's still going isn't it I don't know

if it's stopped now I've never read the comic but I know there's one bit where it's like Lex disappears

for like three seasons then they bring him back and he's been like in a room brain dead for like three seasons it's like Lex disappears for like three seasons, then they bring him back and he's been like in a room brain dead for like three seasons it's a great show

but I don't know what the hell's going on it's so good so I guess I created already the thing scenario, alright let's go back to the newspaper are you? okay yeah good so it needs to be some kind of vying for Lois Lane's love

as well and Perry White's approval and maybe even Jimmy Olsen's friendship. So it's a real neat, charming guy who out-Clark-Kent's Clark Kent. So you want a Spider-Man 3 Eddie Brock. Yeah. But with no venom. But with no venom and no plagiarism. But Clark hates him, but he's just a real good lad.

But you've also got to think Superman gets all the exclusives or whatever. How would he beat Superman to getting exclusives on himself? What you really want exposes Superman as Clark. What you really want is you want Perry White. Perry White's his publisher, yeah? He's the editor. He's the JJ. He's the Jonah.

So you want him to get fired, and they get a new publisher who just refuses to print anything of Clockettes. I hate Superman. He's like, fuck it, we'll get someone who's like J. Jonah Jameson, who's like, fuck it, give me pictures of Superman being a dickhead. Superman accosts old ladies. And that's where your Superman comes in. Exactly.

This is like sick proof. I'm smacking an old lady in the mouth. I never imagined black and white Superman talking. Just putting his hands on his hips. Looking around and meowing. Just pushing over a building. Clark Kent's boss, new boss,

he just hates Superman. He's like, I don't trust them aliens. What's great is because Clark Kent has nothing else. He's not a great journalist. Is he? Batman v Superman. What's great is because Clark Kent has nothing else. He's not a great journalist. Is he? Yeah, generally he is. Batman v Superman, she's like, what about that Batman?

He's a bad journalist. That Clark Kent's not a good journalist. He's like, who's this guy? He lives across the bay. He's the multi- How do you not know him? Have you not seen The Light at Night? It's fucking right there. Right there, mate.

I love that Clark Kent's a great journalist, yet for some reason he's like, I good but I'm lazy so I'll just do Superman stories He doesn't even use Google He's bad at his job In that movie do you remember Perry turns up and he's like you were supposed to write this spoiled ass article and he's like look at this blank page that I printed

like he went and printed it off just to be like look at this He didn't know it This is going to really show Clark Everyone's going to be like, look at this. You didn't know it. This is going to show Clark. This is going to really show Clark. Everyone's going to be like, why is there this blank? He's going to feel like such an idiot. There are so few journalism jobs as well, so I think you could kind of shuffle him out.

I think you could make an unemployed, destitute Clark Kent. He'd be a blogger or a podcaster instead. Got him good. He could just do it in his Superman outfit. No one would know. Yeah. I mean, a bit weird, but could just do it in his Superman outfit. No one would know. Yeah. I mean, a bit weird, but he could. Nothing's stopping him.

No. Can I pitch another one? Sure. Inside Out Superman. Wait, Inside Out isn't like the film? Like, is it an emotion Superman? No, no, no. Or is it like a man that's inside out?

Like, he's outside bits and he's inside. Because I was just like, what other Superman can you do? Inside Out Superman gets turned inside out, has an outside bits because I was just like what other Superman can you do inside out Superman gets turned inside out has an inverse of all Superman's powers hot breath he can dive

the opposite of x-ray vision what's that he's blind Bizarro Bizarro has freeze eyes and hot breath.

So just like a pile of organs that can't see or do anything. But they can breathe real good. Frail, blind. Inside out man. But with a backwards S just carved into his lungs. So it's just upsetting. It was just like, this is upsetting. I do not like this.

What's the opposite of flying? Sitting? Walking. Not flying. Tunneling? He can tunnel real well. God, all you've got to do is go adjective Superman and you have a Superman villain.

Water Superman. But Superman can tunnel. So I guess then that thing could fly. Well, there you go. He can fly, but it's not good as well as Superman can tunnel water Superman's good, an evil witch makes a Superman out of water and Superman's

punches go right through and then he uses heat breath heat vision to evaporate him and then all is good sleep Superman? sleepwalks a bunch and it splits him in two all of mine are golden age. They have to be.

That is the kind of thing you can imagine reading. He sleepwalks and splits in two. He sleepwalks and his sleep mind and his real mind split in two. Yeah, that's fair enough. One of the original versions of Superman could shoot a miniature version of Superman out of his hand that had

the sentience and powers of Superman but he's just like as big as a banana or whatever. Was it like infinite? Yeah, that's what was my question. I presume so, because if it's got all the powers of Superman, then yeah. I like him throwing his ass off his chest. I love that. Bring that back. Man of Steel 2.

What was that for? Did it do anything? A school teacher From Krypton Who's like real stern And like you didn't get the proper education Look at you You know all about our history

And just shames him a bit Like real stern Superman the like You don't know your culture What is the equivalent of calling someone Human Like real stern. Superman, the like, you don't know your culture. Yeah. Raps his knuckles. What is the equivalent of calling someone like human, Kryptonian on the outside, human on the inside? Oh, okay.

So like green on the outside, but like what? Skin on the inside. Like skin on the inside. That's a real rude teacher who's come down to Earth and is like, I don't even give a fuck about Krypton. Clark, you're the problem. And Clark would be like, but I have all the knowledge of that in my fortress of solitude.

He'd be like, like fuck you do. Rap on the knuckles. This is like clearly textbooks from basically the 1950s. You don't have a modern education. You still believe that we farm quosnnox, you fucking moron.

Okay, so the second shuttle was launched after Superman was like, Parkhead made two shuttles. One for a baby and one for a teacher. Or is it Zod? I'm going to need to educate my baby when he arrives. Yeah, they send him off like,

that's good, that's good. Did you put the computer? Oh, I didn't update it. Oh, it's got all my grandpa's art. Get a teacher. It's got all our racist history. Send another send another. Alright. Krypton comes back, but it's a guy. Yes!

Now we're talking! And then fights Superman. Can't you just imagine that panel where it's like no Superman I'm Krypton I am Krypton I would be shocked if that hasn't happened

I would be you'd just be like what what what and then it would never come back ever Superman would kill him in the end

or he'd die and Superman would be like it's for the best and you'd be like what why doesn't he have the city of Kandor is it yeah so someone that like glasses Superman with the city

of man that would really that would work people in candle I've got out in the comic recently and they're all turned on him like attack Superman fair enough he got out in a comic recently and they all turned on him and attacked Superman. Fair enough. He put him in a bottle. It's the 100-minute war where Krypton's back for a bit. I know that because it leads into my favourite Superman comic, Superman Grand. Boo, that's the worst comic.

Superman Grand. It's so bad. The walk across America. I love it so much. It's garbage. It starts out okay, but it's like they were like... America I love it so much yeah it's garbage it starts out okay but it's like they were like

I get the idea of it it's just poorly executed yeah and I haven't even read it properly I shouldn't even I got a copy if you want a copy

I don't want it please don't I could not please just leave it over there I'm gonna tweet it to you using the planet pod hashtag one panel at a time

like that fucking Spider-Man comic did we talk about that in this episode which one Spider-Man comic yeah the fucking cool

oh yeah yeah yeah that was today we only record one episode a week James oh yeah that's right yeah idiot theater of the mind Jax

theater of the mind upside down Superman that's good just a handstand lots of hands that's creepy I don't like that at all Face where his dick should be

Dick where his face should be Superman's like I'm uncomfortable I don't like this But would upside down Superman be uncomfortable Because like I'm also uncomfortable Everyone's on about I'm just terrible for you

I like the idea of like Gorilla Grodd But like from Krypton Oh that'd be cool Krypton Gorilla That's good came in a second shuttle just afterwards yeah, following the teacher Jor-El is like

you know what, I've also got this baby gorilla I need to get rid of shit, both of us could have got in those two shuttles fuck, you're an idiot oh well, why would I divorce I like that because I like the idea of the gorilla like Ma and Park finding a baby girl or in a baby man just fighting in the field that's how they used to

sell comics though in the 50s you put a gorilla on the cover and it would sell like crazy so it'd be like the cover and it would sell like crazy. So it'd be like the cover. This is true. So like the cover would be like, it'd be Superman fighting a gorilla in a Superman costume. But you open it and it's just not about that. So they just throw so many gorilla comics. There's a super chimp, isn't there?

Yeah. I hope so. Bubble? Bubbles? I know that's Michael Jackson. Yeah. Something. Fuck, he has a stupid name. But I know that's Michael Jackson's name. Something. Fuck, he has a stupid name.

But yeah, there's a super chimp. I don't know if it's Kryptonian. There's Detective Chimp. No, there is Detective Chimp. I've definitely seen a comic book panel where there's a chimp wearing a Superman costume. Yeah, or he's being turned into a chimp. There's both of those.

There's definitely both of those. They probably fight at one point in a zoo. Yeah. Is there, like, a moon of Krypton? Yes. Has that been turned into a person? Sometimes it's another planet, like a rival planet. Okay.

And they kind of... They're in sync. Like Saga. So, basically, all right. So, like in Saga. So, whatever of, like, that moon or planet, a baby was shot off at the same time or near the destruction. Right.

And that one landed in like, say, Mars with a bunch of like man hunters. Yes. And then he fights Superman. Okay. That's good. Little baby brawl. There was another guy who arrived in the shuttle in the New 52 one years before Superman.

He was more powerful than Superman. Really? Yeah. Go on. That's all I remember. Sorry. That's all I got. No, it's like a different,

he's like all jaggedy. Oh, that's gross. And he's like, you're crap, Superman, I'm the best. Oh, is it like a play on Doomsday? No, because he's intelligent. I don't know,

I can't remember what he's called. Doesn't matter. What about if there's an alternate, like, what if when they sent the baby Clark into like, what happens? It goes through like a weird portal and then Superman is raised like normal

and then like 20 years later Clark crashes on earth again and that baby Superman is raised by Superman but raising a Superman if you are Superman makes baby Superman evil

and he has to fight him he has to fight a baby version of himself can Superman punch an evil baby that's the question on the front of the cover or just have old Superman versus younger Superman.

There are no babies punching anymore. Yeah, he could do that. Oh, I'm sure he's done that. Wasn't there like a Superman that was wrapped in like a mummy? Mummy Superman? What about the bearded Superman that set himself on fire? Bring that back. A hobo Superman?

Yeah, the one with the guns. Oh, that one. I don't know that one. He died. Yeah, he sets himself on fire. I don't know how he dies. Yeah, he sits in a fire. Where he fights the Hitler twins the guns. Oh, that one. I don't know that one. He died. Yeah, he sets himself on fire. Oh, that's how he dies. Yeah, he sits in a fire. Where he fights the Hitler twins.

Yeah. I remember that one. What comic book is that? Someone's probably yelling it at me. I can't hear you. Yell louder. Yeah. Time is big.

Time is big. Tom Hanks from Big. Yeah? Him. He has no balance. The kid or the Tom Hanks versionanks version yeah yeah the tom hanks version uh what's he he loses see why he doesn't because superman's just like no i won't fight you yeah but like surely superman would have a problem no golden age superman would definitely have a

problem with that be like you're a kid out of time no that's true he might use that line i'm surprised superman has never fought a villain comprised of his baby shuttle. Like, I'm surprised his baby shuttle never became, like, an evil robot. They do, like, the Eradicator, which is, like, the protector of Krypton. It's like an AI. It takes, like, a human-ish form. And it's like, you must stop

exterminating. He's a prick. He's no good. And everyone's like, is that Superman? Yeah, he looks kind of like him. He's just, like, a full-on robot. He's back at And everyone's like Is that Superman? Yeah is that He looks kind of like him He's just like A full on robot He's back at the moment actually He's in good flight

He ate Superman's dog Just after That's amazing Yeah get into it man Superman revert Because Superman's got a son And the dog goes to attack It's his dog

And the dog just He just fucking inhales the dog And the kid like Then zaps the dog's cloak onto him, and he's like, now I'm a bloody Superman. It's a dog cloak, but it counts. Doesn't he zap a cat as well? Probably.

Not that one, but I'm sure he would. No, like the issue before. Baby Superman is just like accidentally kills a cat. Oh, yeah, you're right. Have you read it? I've only seen those panels. He does. You're absolutely right. And I'm completely out of context, and it's very confusing. I think it's a cat. Oh, yeah, you're right. Have you read it? I've only seen those panels. He does. You're absolutely right.

And I'm like completely out of context. Superman's kid zaps a, I think it's a cat or something. Yeah, yeah, you're right. That's phenomenal. Yeah,

it's pretty good. That is phenomenal. I love comics, or I hate them. It's a 50-50 one. Depends on the day. Depends on the day. Depends on the day.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been James Joel I've been James I've actually been black and white Superman but that's fine

I was a tornado for a bit and that's alright I was a dog or something I don't remember and if you have any better ideas of a Superman villain email us in

sanspantsradio at gmail.com or you can tweet us at sanspantsradio or me personally at goddammit sammit at old dogs and dad at douche13

at mr sundaymovies give us the goods make sure if you think of a good superman villain you tweet the weekly planet weekly planet pod hashtag that podcast has been cancelled

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