Plumbing the Death Star - If You Were a Wrestler What Would Your Gimmick Be? (Ft. Dan Schreiber)

Episode Date: November 11, 2018

Where we are joined by our good friend Dan Schreiber to ask the hard hitting question like If You Were a Wrestler What Would Your Gimmick Be?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Open the file. left, and for Sydney, we've got Tom Walker and Demi Lardner performing a live Beaksoft Titty.png, as well as joining the stage to play some D&D. To grab your tickets, just head to sanspantsradio.com slash live, and in some less live show news, myself, Jackson, and good friend of the show, Joel Duscher, have started up yet another podcast, this time about all things video games. So, if you want to hear our opinions on new releases, indie darlings, and retro games, just search for Thumb Cramps on iTunes, Stitcher, or directly from our website, sanspantsradio.com. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, if you were a wrestler, what would your gimmick be uh everyone looked at me so okay

actually no no all right so like a resin so like so you are like a wwf slash wwe wrestler not like hey i'm gonna win gold medal for america but i think i don't think those guys have themes other than america well what there was the famous um wwf wrestler who was the olympic gold medal when it hurt angle yeah and that was his gimmick that was his gimmick. That was his gimmick. That's a recursive. Just to make the gimmick even better for you, he won gold for America, but the WWE slash F crowd hates him. Why? He won gold. He's a hero. Because something like that we're going to touch on today is that his theme was very bland.

Someone was like, boo, the boring guy won again. He's good and just bland. So when he comes out to wrestle now, the crowd still chants, you suck. Yeah, that's his chant. So you've got heels and you've got the good guys. Even as a good guy, it's still, and he just laps it up. He's like, you suck. Oh, man, I'm loved.

He comes out with his gold medals. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I think I may have just got my favorite wrestler. He's incredible. Oh, my God. Okay okay so what do you what do you need what are the requirements of all right so basically we'll just go for a gimmick so just an overall gimmick which will include like your costume and maybe like why you're maybe like a brief backstory yeah okay your entrance slash theme music oh wow

we'll like come we don't need an exact song yeah yep Okay. But just like if you've got one. Okay. Yep. But just like, hey, I want the screen to go dark and explosions or something. It's fine. Cool. And metal to play. I'll allow that.

Okay. And also a signature move. Okay. Okay. All right. So for myself, I don't like doing a lot of things. Yes. I like to delegate.

So I think my wrestling gimmick would be to delegate. I want to be the delegator. Uh-huh. So I want the theme music. I want to say that. You want someone else to pick it? I want to know. Oh, that's also good.

But I was thinking coming out, screen goes black, and then we just hear like the typewriter set. Oh, that's good. And then like that going on. And then Dolly Parton's nine to five plays. Oh, yes. Nice.

Yes. And then lights come on and there's me five place. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then lights come on and there's me like jacked as shit. Yeah. We're all muscled down here. I won't be. All right.

So just jacked. I want like like a business collar. Yeah. Business tie. Yeah. Business cuffs. And like some cufflinks.

Oh yeah. I'm noticing you're missing business shoes. Yeah. And then the rest of me just painted on. So like a painted on pinstripe suit? Yes. Oh, cool.

Painted. Painted on. Like body paint. Like body paint, yes. How much physical exertion... Are you going to do enough physical exertion ever that you... It'll sweat? No.

Okay, okay. And I guess for modesty, the usual like wrestling undies and like knee pads and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah undies and, like, knee pads and stuff. Yeah, right. Okay, okay. There used to be a guy as well who, I guess this is going to be the thing about WWF, every possible costume design and gimmick has been done. There was a guy who was called the IRS man. And he used to come in a suit and you'd get on stage, he'd have a briefcase. And he would sort of, like, I don't think his move was to sort of, like out tax bills but there was there was something going on oh that's amazing i love so much that this episode is going to be us being like can we top actual i don't think we'll be able to uh so that's like my

entrance music okay but then i want to like uh come come in to dolly pardons 95 and then i'll go off to the side start texting and then about four or five other lads will just come on are they going to be other named wrestlers um I don't know or are they going to be

I don't know what you could you could have like the employees maybe yeah like that'll be the name of the group

because like back in the 90s you have the body painted suit they have a body painted white shirt body painted slacks sandwiches firstly the back story I'll try and do like a recruit drive oh okay painted suit they have a body painted white shirt body painted slacks yeah sandwiches first like

firstly like the backstory i'll try and do like a recruit drive oh yeah um and be like you know kind of like a seek.com or something like that where like you know we're we're filming this getting people applying for this job yeah that's backstory can i be like maybe like an old like business school buddy of Vince McMahon? Like there was a rivalry there. Yeah, I'll allow it. Yeah, yeah. But if you are you going into this, we have to remember there's no avatar here.

You are you at your current age. So we're going to have to work on aging you out. You are a businessman as a baby. Business baby. Business baby. Vince McMahon, the runner of the wwe uh he has a son that would be your age yeah shane yeah all right who is the best okay yeah he's his shane's gimmick is pretty much just like how high can i jump off without dying yeah shane just climbs so while

matches are going on shame shane just climbs the surrounding scaffolding of the entire arena to whatever height seems impossibly high and then waits till someone conveniently falls in front of him and then jumps off. You genuinely think this guy's going to die and he never does. I guess he's worked it out. He also wears a very similar shirt to what you're wearing now. He does. Baseball jersey. Oh, that rules. I have a rivalry with Shane, maybe.

Shane? Okay, so Shane and Vince have a rivalry. They often have... Does that mean you're going to have to climb? Oh, how about this? So like a businessman kind of thing. So I'll have a rivalry with Shane, but like maybe the protege of Vince McMahon.

Oh, your new son. The new son, yeah. You may have a signature move already, but may I suggest one? Please do. Okay, so if your rivalry is with Shane and he likes to climb high things, can you have a prop that is a very tall ladder that you call the corporate ladder?

Yes. And you climb to the very top of it and drop off it onto your enemies. That's perfect. See, I was thinking of something like the synergy. Oh, I can do that as well. We get about four or five different people just to like pull on one lad. Like an old-timey cowboy punishment. Basically the rack.

Yeah, except instead of horses or a torture rack. It's four big strong men. It's the employees of a company. I think your signature move, so let's say you have a bunch of wrestlers who are underneath you. Signature move should be right at the end, you've decided on an impossibly dangerous move.

And your signature move is you signing a check. Literally a signature move going, how much am I going to have to pay you to climb twice as high as Shane? You wheel out the corporate ladder and then you do your signature move and they have to climb to the top. I like the idea of Shane McMahon jumping off something high whilst the corporate ladder is even higher and they collide in midair

If you can punch each other as you're going down As Shane is jumping, that's when you jump That's an intense signature move I feel like there's a high chance of injury but I guess that's fine My lackey needs to be like lawsuit or something like that.

Yeah. Because, you know, when The Undertaker had Paul Bearer, someone named Lawsuit. Yeah. Yes. And I just feel like this big guy in it. Again, like also a suit. Yeah. Very like not well made, like ill-fitted suit.

Yeah. Is it painted on too ill fittingly painted on ill fittingly painted on how do you do that I have no idea

I was thinking about yeah if we have like the employees because again all my wrestling knowledge is from the 90s

so when they had like the D-Gen and like the Wolfpack and all that kind of jazz there's the authority which is yeah which would basically be what you're replacing.

Yeah. Especially if you're working for Vince, yeah. Have another one of those. Yeah, yeah. I think that'd be all right. Well, that means you're going to have a rivalry with both of Vince McMahon's children. Stephanie.

Yeah, because Stephanie's part of the authority. Does Stephanie have any particular move that Zabit can copy and top? She's very good at just cheating. Oh, okay. She's a big fan of standing side of the ring and then waiting to be tagged in and then the refs look

the other way and then she jumps in and just starts beating the shit out of someone and then the refs are like oh I didn't say anything and everyone's like the authority! I'm trying to think of like the audit. Oh yeah yeah yeah. What's a businessy something we can kind of go in there to stop people from cheating? Yeah.

Like, oh, don't worry, I've got something to counter that. We have the accountant. Yeah, yeah. We're bringing the accountant. Yeah, it's going to be a boring match. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very dull. So weird.

Every time we start talking about wrestling, my brain's just like, wait, you know stuff about this. I'm like, where did this knowledge come from? Where does it sit when I'm not thinking about wrestling? It's like it's just bubbled to the top. I'm like, yeah, of course. It's like this, this, this, and this. I'm like, wait, how did I know that? The funny thing about wrestling for me is that my knowledge of wrestling comes from the podcasts I do.

My knowledge of wrestling is picked up from your knowledges of wrestling. That's basically it. That's some third-hand information right there. Okay. colleges of wrestling that's basically that's some third-hand information right there okay so yeah so the the background is um trying to be vince wickman's new son okay um and again trying to make sure that i shirk all my responsibility and then take all the credit for the wins yeah and none of them for losses that was the employees well if you're looking for an easy in to like how you can like fit yourself into this timeline maybe you you were the scorned lover of Stephanie McMahon and you tried to marry her, but then she married Triple H.

Again, a thing I just know. Yeah, I know that. Duh, we all know that. Even I knew that. So then you can have a rivalry with her and Triple H because you were scorned, but you're also very business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, done.

That's good. What a gimmick. What a character. This is a deep part. And then I, done. That's good. What a gimmick. What a character. This is a deep cut. And then I, oh, that'd be great. And each time I come out, I guess the head of the employees, the new one each time, and it'll be the

employee of the month. That's good. Maybe you could sign up like a famous wrestler each month. 100%. This week it's Kane or something. Stone called Steve Austin. He's come out of retirement.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Holy shit. Climb that corporate ladder. Don't let the undertaker climb that ladder. He will die. I mean, Cain's an actual politician now.

Yeah. He's like a sworn in governor in America. It seems very easy to become governor. And I feel like I couldin governor in america that seems very easy to become governor and i feel like i could become governor in america you don't need to be like um a u.s citizen yeah yeah i don't think so because arnie arnie was but he might be a u.s but he wasn't born yeah because it's not like president he can't be a president but he could be a governor so i reckon we've all got a good if i went in and i and I was like, hey, any town want me? One will take me.

Yeah. Oh, no, you've got to go to, like, Jacksonville. Yeah, I've got to be like, duh. Come on. Hey, idiots. Have you not figured it out yet? That could be a campaign slogan. Hey, idiots.

Have you not figured it out yet? Vote one Jackson. That's great. Doing, like, touring around, going to different nobody would be happy about it, but they're like where's the only guy doing it? I like his aggressive and rude stance. The thing is, in a lot of American

politics, it's like they always run against no one. Yeah. So like, maybe. I could. Hey idiots, vote for me. Is that your gimmick? Yeah. No, no. Jackson from Jacksonville. Jackson from Jacksonville. Jackson from Jacksonville. Your wrestling gimmick is to get you elected somewhere.

I will be the only actual still wrestler. No, my gimmick is I wanted to get as lubed up as possible. Okay. I was imagining my entrance. I don't know the music, but you know how you walk down the thing? Yeah, yeah. So just lube up that ramp and i'll slide like a penguin oh wow like a one of them slippy slides yeah yeah and

i'll slide down and maybe we'll have a ramp at the end so i can get into the actual room are you pre-looped before you get to the actual lube slide uh yeah well i'll probably have to because lube on lube will make me extra slippery yeah right and then i'll come in and i come in and I'll, I don't know what theme music is appropriate there. But I keep thinking of Splish Splash, I was taken aback. Slip, slide, and away. Yeah, something like that. Can you be called like Slippy Dan or something?

Yeah, yeah. Slippery Pete, something like that. Slippery Pete. And I just slide down onto the arena and then surely my signature move is that I can't be grabbed. Yeah, you can't suplex what you can't hold. Exactly. I'm like the human soap.

So when he grabs me on the waist, I just pop right out. Get fly up to the top. Fuck no. That's slippery. Oh, I'm slippery, dude. I'm slippery as fuck. Then I'm up the top hanging onto the rafters and they can't get me down.

Oh, but the problem is you're hanging off the rafters. Oh, I'm slippery. You're so slippery. Well, I guess my secret move is I get grabbed, pop up, grab the rafters, slip off, fall on them. And then you slide off them into maybe something else. Yeah. I slide off and up the other ramp out of the other ramp You fall down and you slip down

Slip them, slide off into the rings And so like bounce off that Slide back onto them Slide, bang, bang, bang Just slip slop my way around that whole arena Until it is impossible for anyone to stand It is famously hard to stand and wrestle in lube. Yeah.

But for me, I don't have to worry because I'm just along for the ride. You're basically like a pinball. Yeah. And I'll just slip slop. I don't know what my backstory is. I don't know. I don't know if you need one, mate.

I think if I just unannounced, no one knows what's happening, all of a sudden, there I am. And then I slide out out the arena and off into the annals of history can i take back what i said i thought every gimmick could probably be we found the one the human soap has never happened before in wrestling what's your outfit because i just imagined speedo yeah i was just imagining speedos or it's good if i'm wearing like i don't know something elaborate but still lubed up.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe just Speedos will do me. Can you wear a swimming cap and goggles as well? Yeah. Absolutely. For protecting my eyes. Yeah.

From all the lube. I don't want lube in my eyes. That's what my catchphrase was. Side in the middle of the stage, and before I fall, I'll be like, I don't want lube in my eyes I'll put it back down maybe I'll advertise a lube during the match yeah maybe that'll be my sponsor I need a sponsor it'll be a specific lube brain each match you could have like flavor yeah yeah like flavor of the month different lube whatever lube is in the zeitgeist coming out with banana tonight and i'll have for the different flavors

different uh colored swimming caps goggles and speedos yeah and that'll be that'll be me all right so the obvious achilles heel to this is your slide yes so if i was fighting you i would i'd go for the slide before you came out so what happens to you when you arrive and I've removed your lube? I just cry. My front! And I stand up with terrible grazing down my front. It just burns. Friction burns all throughout. And he's lost both his nipples.

Oh, my God. It's going to look like a DeLorean trailer. Cool. Cool. The funny thing is, someone recently did that. They were running into the ring and tripped and just slid straight under. Just disappeared under the ring well that's another thing, if you get rid of my lube

I graze my front, if you just get rid of the ramp yeah I just slide under the ring and out here comes Slippery Pete and he's coming down to the music whoever you're fighting just quickly rush over, just kicks over the ramp yeah into the wall

my thing would just be too like so in wrestling occasionally you've got weapons like a chair yeah but it's like as you shot like i'd wait where the ramp is yeah just as you shoot out into the ring just hit you with the chair yeah basically basically my greatest power is momentum if you stop my momentum i'm just done. That's me out of the game completely. What gets rid of lube real quickly? A hose? Someone comes out with a high-pressured hose and just hoses you down?

That's great because if I'm sliding down and you've got the high-pressure hose, I just swivel around. I'll send you back. I'm sending Slippery Pete back where he came from. And I'm gone Salt, does salt get rid of lube like it does snow? Imagine like getting like a

Like grit, we grit you Someone just throws down grit at the end of the slide You just come to a halt, again, friction burning your tummy Absolutely That's great if that happens in the moment where I'm pinballing around a ring And you just cover me in grit or sand because I'm just like, grind to a halt in the middle and then you just wail. Man, when your gimmick goes wrong, it's like the worst horror movie scenario.

It started bad and just got worse. It's so nasty to be covered in grit and lube and getting hit with a chair in the middle of the room Crowd chants Get slippery feet Kill slippery feet Kill slippery feet And everybody's holding signs saying

We hate slippery feet Slippery feet should go to hell Too slippery Too slippery Too slippery Fuck off I'm trying to think of anything you could replace my lube with As another good way of stopping me Like

Glue or something Yeah like some kind of sticky substance Yeah yeah Well it depends Oh low quality lube Yeah yeah that's true This thing is you probably want like really industrial Like strength

Industrial lube Strength lube. But if you get like real cheap lube, that kind of gets sticky after a while. Oil. Oil. Just light a match. Now it's flaming slippery paint all through the arena. I think that's going to be the thing.

You test different types of slipperiness each week. Something always goes wrong. Look, it's paraffin paint. each week. Something always goes wrong. Look, it's paraffin peach! Whoa! I like the idea of your van for the audience, your mug for the audience is me getting

lifted up by lackeys and dropped in a big oil drum full of lubrication before I reach up. Feathers. Oh yeah, just feathers! We could tar and feather you, but this way we're lube and feathering you? I hate this This is not a thing

But a feather cannon Like a t-shirt cannon And cover me in feathers Before I reach the arena And that's how you stop slippery Before you reach the arena Where's the slide starting from? The car park

Well because again I've just got you sliding down the ramp Sliding down the actual ramp Hitting your new ramp That is now the kick that sent you into the arena And just standing there waiting with a chair Because it would be so satisfying Kaboom

Just slam into it Like hitting a home run in baseball I'd just be done That's the goal of WWE To kill your fellow wrestlers Like hitting a home run in baseball. Yeah, I'd just be done. I'd be dead. I'd be out of here. That's the goal of WWE, right? To kill your fellow wrestlers. But equally, I love the science of the amount of lube against the ramp itself. That sometimes you just get that wrong and you never make it to the ring.

You overshoot. Or just slam into the dunk on the side and bounce off. Imagine overshooting is going to run into the on the side and bounce off imagine if a shoot is gonna run into the audience getting accosted by Slippery Pete sliding my way through the stands slipping my way to the audience

people are wearing t-shirts that just say I touch Slippery Pete and I fucking hate it you know how they have the commentators near the ring right it's always like

usually every now and again Someone will get slammed onto it That'll be your opening move Flip over the ring Slide across the commentators Table take their microphones and everything With me You just hear oh my god

It's slippery I really like as well The idea of never using my legs to stand And just flopping around like a fish To get where I need to go And now a quick word from our sponsors Maybe Also tickets for our D&D live shows

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search for it on iTunes and Stitcher or listen directly from our website sanspansradio.com what's your backstory? ummm disgruntled disgruntled lube worker disgruntled lube inventor um just like so like late one night you fall into a vat of lube yeah um yeah except

if i'm constantly moist different maybe i've i'm a man obsessed with finding the slipperiest loop, and it has driven me to combat. So all your prepackaged videos are you meeting with scientists? How slippery is this loop? Make it more slippy. It's good because you won't be standing. You'll probably be tough flopper. Make it more slippery.

He refuses to use his legs, even though they are in fine working order. Can you have, when you come on, the slippy sound effect? Oh, give me like a... Yeah. Absolutely. And I'll slide on down. Well, because when wrestlers surprise other wrestlers in the ring, usually there's the intro music starts with lightning crashing,

a glass shattering, something like that. Yours would just be like a... Whoever's in the ring, like, ah, slippery pate. Time to get out a chair and just wipe. This is an easy fight. Just over the loudspeakers. Just the... All my pre-recorded videos could be being like

Slippery Peter's found the slipperiest lube. And then imagining like a basketball stadium with a target on one end and me just slide. Just to like show my opponents how slippery I will be tonight. Oh, like crash test army style. Yeah, but it's just my slippery body

slamming into a target from afar. Yeah. I think that's a pretty good gimmick. It's an incredible gimmick. As long as nothing goes wrong. Everything will go wrong. You're easy to defeat, I feel. Not if you're slow.

No, actually, especially if you're slow. Just stand in one spot. I'll hit you eventually. Yeah. Look. Yeah. Good. I'm proud of it. Yeah. Look. Yeah. Good. I'm proud of it.

I'm glad. Are you not buying it? Look. Yeah. I like what you're going for here. Okay. But I'm not entirely sure if you've gone hard enough into what you're trying to do. Okay.

So I will be a wrestler called The Disgrace. Okay. Okay. My gimmick is that I am fully nude and out of shape. called The Disgrace. Okay. My gimmick is that I am fully nude and out of shape. Probably more out of shape than I currently am.

Can you just come out eating a cheeseburger out of a KFC bucket and there's just more burgers and chickens in that? Yes, okay. Can you fill a KFC bucket with Coca-Cola and burgers? Can you fill a KFC bucket with Coca-Cola and burgers? Just very slovenly. Yeah. So WWE probably won't allow me to fight totally naked, so maybe a G-string.

Maybe a cock sock. Yeah, a cock sock. Cock sock. Red Hot Chili Peppers in mid-90s style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, all right. No. Okay, hang on.

So, backstory. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, all right. No. Okay, hang on. So, backstory. Yeah. You've accosted mankind. You've got Mr. Socko. Mr. Socko. Oh, my gosh. You are now defiling Mr. Socko. He lives on my dick now. He is your cocksucker.

I had to hide my shame, but I am still a disgrace. Everyone's like, is he naked? No, I'm still a disgrace. Everyone's like, is he naked? No, he's got a cock. Is that me? Oh, my God.

We liked him. So basically my role in WWE will be the, so obviously there's the face and the heel. Face a good, heel bad, but occasionally heel fighters get really popular. So the WWE has to write a dumb storyline to make sure that they're good again. Just have them fight me. And no one's cheering for me so you will be the most hated wrestler by everyone's crowd alike well far more hated than slippery pete will ever be

i like the idea worse than slippery pete will assigned people. I like the idea that it's like a title. Go to a deeper hell than Slippery Pete. Hell in a Cell, Slippery Pete versus The Disgrace, and it's widely regarded as the worst match in TV history. Slippery Pete forgot to loop the ramp, and The Disgrace just cried the whole time. Getting a bit of fried chicken and just like dousing it in that banana lube oh

you've ruined wrestling this is good for me leave me alone well maybe even if I just want to go down that path maybe just like cause WWE has also done like weird things where they've tried to make the crowd hate people. So there was a famous wrestler recently, Daniel Bryan, who was a face.

Yeah. And they tried to make him evil by pointing out that he's vegan. Look at him not eating meat. Boo! What the fuck? That was just like something that was just like, he thinks he's better than you. So maybe the disgrace, like I could be me, but in good shape. Yeah. And I just refuse to wrestle. I'm just like the whole he's better than you so maybe the disgrace like i could be me but in good shape yeah and i just refuse to wrestle i'm just like the whole time like the wrestling

sucks it's not even real and then have like bad guys come and beat the shit out of me still i still feel the same wrong just less unpleasant to look at i don't have to it's kind of nice yeah what's the term the term when you break the wall, the not physical wall? Breaking the fourth wall? No, no. In wrestling. So there was one of those famous moments of all of wrestling was when Raw and, oh, what's the other one? Monday Night Raw.

And then maybe SmackDown. SmackDown's Tuesday nights. Well, there was a thing where they got divided into two. And it was a big match. And they all hugged at the end on camera, and they broke character, basically. And there's a term for it. So it's when you admit to the things,

like wrestling is fake and so on. That will be your... Yeah, I'll be... You're just constantly doing that. You guys know this isn't real yet. I'm just playing a character. My real name's Joel. Thanks for coming.

You suck! Bring back slippery pee! Can you also flick cigarettes into the crowd? Yes. Lit cigarettes. Maybe I just keep exactly the same gimmick, but just go out dressed as me being like, hey, everyone. No, no, no. Oh, yes, but like, just be

smug, boy. Yeah. Just the smug. Be the smuggest piece of shit that I know you can be that grin that you've got right now oh yeah that that's great that is no no okay your your outfit is this face that you're doing right now this smug grin reprinted again on your t-shirt while you're doing that face as you come out nice smuggest song we can think of right now? Are there smugs? Maybe it's just Joel Dusha being like I'm great.

I'm great. Not a song. I'm great. I'm better than you all. On a loop. I'm great. I'm better than you. That's great because, you know, in wrestling obviously there's physical exertion, but if you're hit by a chair, you're not really hit by a chair. It's great to imagine you just not reacting.

Just ruin the magic for everyone. Oh, no, that really hurt. Oh, God. I'm in such pain. No. This is fake, and I'm better than you all. Get a job. I'm doing this for the

paycheck. I'm only in it for money. Here is my paycheck. This is what I earned. You know what? This week I earned too much. And then you just get like a wad of cash and burn it on stage. I think people would dislike you. But people wouldn't even hate you the way

they presumably hate a heel where it's all good fun. They would genuinely hate you. You took one thing that was sacred to me and ruined it. You wrecked it. Yes, and I'd do it again. I will do it next week at Raw. You could do every move that you are doing, just like with a slow walk, with a phone in your hand, texting,

and giving it like, basically participate in wrestling whilst having a phone watch. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm into that being like,

Oh yeah, I guess I'll just throw a punch. I realize it's an audio medium. I pretend to throw a punch at Jackson. I'm like, he really hit me. You throw a punch and then like you do this, like the stamp of the feet,

maybe two or three seconds behind. And you're like, throw a punch. Be you do the stamp of the feet, maybe two or three seconds behind and you're like... Throw a punch and be like, oh, wait, fuck. Yeah. Was that good for you, audience? Are you not entertained? Audience, did you see what I did there? I threw a punch. It didn't connect, but I made it sound like it did

by stomping the floor. I'll do it again without punching him. See? Whoa. See? Bro! See? Why are you doing this? I'm just here to ruin things you love. Do you want to think if there are other things like wrestling

that you could also rack while you're up there? Is there young kids that go wrestling a lot? Yeah. Santa's not real. Easter Bunny is not real either. I'll just go to some DJ nights as well and be like He just pressed play This is advertised as a live set

This is all mimed And then maybe live performances of music on TV This is also mimed Is that your pre-recorded video? It's a compilation It's like you at one of those like meet Santa You just pull the beard off looking at the camera Fike

Fike Fike Just like you at one of those like meat Santa, you just pull the beard off looking at the camera. Fake. Fake. Fake as shit. Just unplug it. Fake. Turn it off, they're just mouthing along. Fake. Call yourself fake. Yeah.

Fake. Not real. I would be not scared to fight you, but annoyed. Yeah. Like any kind of advertising where they've got the nice like meal and all looking very nice and just go up to it,, but annoyed. Yeah. Like any kind of advertising with the nice meal and all looking very nice. Yeah. Just poke it. Fake.

Look at this. It's also good because what will happen is inevitably by my third fight, people will just start hitting me for real. Yeah. I genuinely hate this guy. Bring back Slippery Pete. Slippery Pete comes in, you're like, real. For some reason, real.

He's actually doing it. We don't know what. It's fucked up. Ah! Slippery Pete turns face. We love Slippery Pete! He slipped into our hearts. He slipped into the rings and then into our hearts.

Slippery Pete, you're fake and then knocked like a bowling pin by Slippery Pete. Slippery Pete! Slippery Pete! Get Slippery Pete you're fake and then knocked like a bowling pin by Slippery Pete Slippery Pete! Get Slippery Slippery America Why was that hard to say? My tongue is lubed up Can you imagine me saying that as I'm leaving and I don't get it out

before I'm out of it Get Slippery Slippery Pete. He's probably going to say something good, but he has a mouth full of loaves. And all it is is, I've enjoyed it. What's up?

What'd he say? I love you, Slippery Pete. The slipperiest wrestler there is. And ever was. I'm going to go to you as well because i'll just lube off all of your business suit rendering you know it depends if you're part of a team because i like the idea of if you're part of another team just doing like a before the ring happens just coming out with a checkbook being like this is a hostile takeover you work for me that's

slamming your logo on my chest but no you'll again this is you the face again because like presumably you're the heel oh yeah yeah it's good to slam the logo and it just slides straight off you're like i'm on and then there's just like a look of disgrace no corporation can own me and then you come on with like fagag, this is planned. It's not a real business, man. By that point, I've slipped into the arena and the crowd is cheering. It's like a crowd surf into the arena, but they don't have to push you. They have to jump out of the way.

It's also good because the corporate ladder will not stand a cannonball from slippery people. Oh, I know. I'll be like, climb the corporate ladder. I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying to do Slippery. You might be the first one I lay off.

It's great to imagine me worming my way up the ladder, like sliding in between the holes. What do you call this? The rungs. The rungs, yeah. It's like, what's the negative space in a ladder? I want to hear something wild about a worm. The worm is a finishing move by a famous wrestler called Scotty Too Hotty.

Wrestling's great. And yourself, Dan? All right, I've been thinking about this now. I want a character. I don't like the idea of fighting. I like the idea of fighting when no one's fighting against me. I've just got control of the punch. So I'm going to come up with a character called the Shrink.

All right. It'll be psychological warfare. So I'll get in the ring, and I'll be against an opponent, and they'll be like, you're going to go down. I'm going to take you down, Shrink. And I'm going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where is all this anger coming from? This isn't about me, is it? This is about your mom. And then they'll be like whoa whoa whoa where is all this anger coming from this isn't about me is it it's about

your mom and then i'll they'll be like no and i'll be like i i've heard your mom and you don't really have a and then they'll start breaking down and then i'll um i'll lull them into a self a sort of self a sense of insecurity and my main move sorry i have a lot of time to think about this i'm going forward this is good this is good'm going forward so we're chatting we're like going for it and so they're they're really breaking down they start sobbing and i'm like oh my god and i i outside the ring always have my couch or my little shrink chair yes good so we bring that through the ropes we lay that down and as we're talking they lay down and they're just admitting everything so embarrassing themselves uh being just all their secrets as they're laying down i have like a you know like flavor flab on or flavor play yes public enemy i have like a big clock and i look at it

and as they're like admitting a really deep thing i say i'm, our time is up, and I smash them in the head with my big clock. Yes, good. Roll them off and then just pin for three. And then that's all I do. But that really relies on them admitting to stuff when I... I think that if I, as a

viewer, was watching that, it would take like six or seven times of that exact thing happening where I wouldn't be shocked. Like most things I'm like, okay, cool, I've seen that twice. The third time I don't care. That, this would like, this is, what? Every time it would floor you. Surely he's not

gonna, he's doing it again? Oh my god, time's up, he did it again! Because you get emotionally invested whenever the other wrestler was saying, you'd be like, oh my god, he's oh my god, time's up! He brained him with a clock. That's the thing, it wrestler was saying. You'd be like, oh my God, here's... Oh my God, don't you... Oh, he brained him. He brained him with a clock. That's the thing.

It's Revelation TV. You've got The Rock admitting to everything that's gone wrong in his life. And then getting wild on by a clock. Yeah. The two things that people tune into TV for. Yeah. It's also great to imagine, you know, your wrestler hits another wrestler with a chair. That's very funny with a chaise lounge.

Yeah, look at Sean. Slamming into the... Nobody's expecting that. That's such a big chair. That'd be great in a tag team match. The Shrink and Slippy Pete. What am I bringing to that? The ultimate

tag team. You drag on like the chair you sit in and I'm just sliding around slide off the chair well if you look like with Dan your choice of wrestler like versus us obviously fake you would just deconstruct me instantly

I'd be in a lot of trouble here is this like a hell in a cell a four way match here Is this like a Hell in a Cell Or like you know A four way match Oh man How's this going down Rage in a cage

Rage in a cage Rage in a cage Hell in a cell How's this going down We gotta get you in the cell first Step one Slippery Pete needs to make it in Yeah who's getting

Am I getting in the cell Or am I Just going Slippery Pete has gone in the cell, on the ring, and the cage dropped. Yeah, they've dropped the cage afterwards. So you're just pinballing the whole time. Oh, so yeah, you've slipped in, they've quickly dropped the cage, you're like, oh no, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

ow! So you're getting concussed. I know you need a helmet at this point. He's got a swimming cap The ring is lubed the fuck up Am I the first entrant into the ring? Are they like, tonight You know, first contender

Slippy Pete No, no, you're the last You're the last because we need to be in there We need to contain you Is that the narrative? That the three of you have to trap Slippy Pete? Well no, it's just the only way the match can go ahead. So we've got the chase lounge in there as well.

Yes, yeah. And then Slippy Bean's shot in. Drop the cage, you bounce straight off the wall. The match starts. Okay, okay. So I think the shrink would target me straight away because I seem like the easiest target. Also, because I will be...

If WWE's writing this, I could get him out of there as quick as possible we also hate fights everyone wants three other people to win there's no face there's three faces I'm just trying to announce

I'm like usually I just announce who's going to win this fight before it even starts, but Slippy Pete is the only wrestler that's real. The shrink confuses me. I can't keep making this speech. Santa's still fake. So I guess you go in and the shrink instantly deconstructs you.

And you're just... Time's up, bang. Time's up, bang, instantly. I'm like... I'm there in a corner. You go in and you yell fake and then you're the shrink. You're like, maybe you're fake. You're like, oh! Time's up. I'm just lying

on the floor pinned. I'm like, not fake. Not fake. This is all real. Real. Well, because like, if the shrink got into your head as well um what was your the delegator

the delegator again they would be like so why do you think delegating is not you're in trouble getting to Slippy Pete's head though there's nothing there

oh I know I just like being slippery I know the moment I'm there in the corner either on a laptop a tablet or my phone with another wrestler there

the shrink's gonna be ah excuse me other wrestler that you've hired let's just time it go have a break for lunch take a 15 all right and it's like why do you why do you need to like i don't know not fight why do you need someone else to do your battles for you and then i'd cry and admit something about my parents time's up i think i think you would start going that's a very nice nice big clock, but, you know, I could get you a much better clock. I could get you a bigger clock.

A bigger clock. Have a sit down. Ooh, maybe leather. Have you ever thought about that? Yeah. Suddenly start recruiting you. That'd be nice. Is that how we get a team up against Slippery Pete?

That's no use. What are we going to do with you? We're trying to swing the chase lounge, trying to stop you. Stop slipping, Slippery Pete. Perfect Delegator move here with everyone. Can you raise the cage? Thank you very much. Who wants to earn 50 bucks?

Oi, crowd, bring me that boy. Bring me the head of Slippery Pete. But the crowd loves Slippery Pete at this point because he's the only wrestler that's defeated me. Yeah, but then the crowd can try and either get a touch of Slippery Pete or get a piece of him and then hoist him up on their collective shoulders and then throw it into the Delegator.

Even if you've just paid whoever is operating the cage to lift the cage. You're like, what are we going to do about Slippery Pete? And you're like, don't worry. I got this order. The cage rises i just slide out disqualify and i slide out into the car park into the car park into a bus that's waiting for you it's sort of got you you've got a little gps chip in you that it can just see where you're kind of

meet him on O'Brien street quick get the bus there pull me to the bus next stop Las Vegas crowd are like yeah next week Monday Night Raw is going to be wherever Slippery Pete has ended up

we'll just we'll have to head to that town see you at Wrestlemania Monday Night Raw is going to be wherever Slippery Pete has ended up. We'll have to head to that town. See you at WrestleMania. That's great if I arrive at WrestleMania with a big beard like I've been slipping for days and days. You slipped around the world. Somehow the other wrestlers are trying to one-up you, be your rival. They're lubing themselves up as well.

It's nothing but a big old lube ball. Welcome to Slipple Mania 2004. Like, you slipped so much you were back in time. Fuck, I would watch a whole show that was just slippery wrestlers ping-ponging around the arena. a whole show that was just slippery wrestlers ping-ponging around so my worry in the hell in the cell is that i can get into the mind of both the delegator and the disgrace but with slippery p i've got nothing i have no psychological power so it would get to the point where genuinely time is up because only an hour is what i i get paid for so you've gone beyond the hour you've thrown me now psychologically i'm'm questioning my job.

Like, am I good at my job? How the hell did I not get this guy? I can't stop Slippery Pete, what am I? Yeah, so I end up taking my own clock and smashing myself. You've caused me to self-harm on myself, and I'm out for the match. So I think it's left with the Delegator and Slippery Pete. And as we know, Slippery Pete cannot be bought. I cannot be bought.

Slippery Pete is a loose unit. I belong to no man. I'm going to be like, here's this contract, and you're going to slip all over it. Exactly. Damn, damn. I'm going to be covered in money. Covered in money. I'm going to grab the corporate ladder.

I'm going to start climbing it. I can't aim. No. You're too slippy. Yeah, I'm too slippy. I'm going to be like, I think that's where he's going to land. I'm going to grab the corporate ladder. I'm going to start climbing it. I can't aim. No. You're too slippy. Yeah, I'm too slippy. I'm going to be like, I think that's where he's going to land. I'm going to fall. And even if I hit you, I'm slipping right off.

Exactly. Whoa. That's great because I can never stand up. I can never wear a belt. I'm going to climb that corporate ladder, fall down, try and do like, I don't know, an elbow to your face, slip off, hit the side, knock myself off. You're just going to keep slipping into me,

smacking me more. Consecutively, I think that's a ten second count. I don't know. So, something that's very funny here, something I didn't think about until just then. There's a raft in there too. Oh yeah. Oh god.

I'm just struggling not to fall over. Fuck. Did Slippery Pete win? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's hard to know. No one can hold you down for the three counts.

Well, I mean, that bus going to Las Vegas. Normally we'd award like a championship belt. Is that? All right. Yeah. Well, the Shrink's disgrace is gone. The Shrink has knocked himself out So has the delegator

Lift up the cell to kind of award you The medal And then into the bus Into the bus next stop Las Vegas So there's three KO'd boys Just sitting lying there in the ring And Slippery Pete Jason that horizon

And on that note there in the ring and Slippery Pete chasing that horizon. And on that note, I've been Joel the Disgrace. I've been Joel the Delegator. I've been Jackson Slippery Pete. And I've been Dan the Shrink. And Dan, where can we find you? I'm right here.

What? Come on, man. I'm right here in front of you. Oh, sorry. No, I do a podcast as well No such thing as a fish So put that into the internet And you can hear my thing It's full of facts It's good

It's good It's good Because plumbing the Death Star And it's no such thing as a fish Are good side by side things Because one makes you dumber And the other one is No such thing as a fish

It's good that if you listen to both You should hit net zero Yeah side by side things, because one makes you dumber and the other one is no such thing as a fish. It's good that if you listen to both, you should hit net zero. This one made me smart. This one made me real stupid. Listen to them both. No negative effects. You got left and right earphones? Just plug one in.

It'll be fine. It'll be good. Weirdly, three episodes sync up. Tell us which ones. We are not responsible for any deaths that come from this strategy. Wrestling rules. Thanks for listening.

And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SansPantsRadio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com,

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