Plumbing the Death Star - Is a Hat the Best Way to Sort Magic Little Teens?

Episode Date: January 10, 2021

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, is a hat the best way to sort magic little teens? Great question. Because in the films, Harry Potter... And the books. And the literature. And if you go to www.harrypotter.com

slash search slash how do you sort magic little teens, it'll say The Sorting Hat. It's famously on there too. Plus if you boot up your PlayStation 1 video game console and you put in Harry Potter 1 for the PSX, then you'll find the same thing happening. Little teens being sorted. To be honest, Magic Little Teens getting sorted to which house they belong in

is a very important thing because I don't know how you guys were sorted when you were not Magic Little Teens but just Little Teens. I was just a regular little teen. You were given arbitrary colours and it meant shit all. It basically meant like this was the team that you run for when it's a sports day and that was it. There was no other implications. I had an interesting, this is just reminding me of my high school experience

when I was a non-magical little teen. I was in high school during a transitional period where the old houses were becoming different houses so I don't think I ended up being in any team you weren't sorted I wasn't sorted pariah yes but it meant nothing

but within the realm of Harry Potter it means everything you got brave house smart house stupid cunt house and cunt cunt cunt house nerds jocks dumb fucks cunts. Nerds, jocks, dumb fucks, cunts.

Yeah. So it means a lot to be, and because the thing is like, it's not just like, oh, you know, on sporting days or big adventure in that case. No, no, no. You're living there.

These are going to be your good friends. We are not having any like fraternization between houses. No, thank you. Hey, so that just reminded me. And this is before we even get into the actual, yeah, the hat aspect of the question itself. Harry dates Cho.

Right. She's a Ravenclaw. Correct. So I guess no one's like, what the fuck, Harry and Cho? You're both better than me. Was there a subplot where they were like, hang on, shouldn't she be dating Cedric? Well, she was dating Cedric. And Cedric fucking died.

Like a big nerd. Because he was a Ravenclaw, yeah? No, he was a Gryffindor. Yeah, he's Gryffindor. You're allowed to fuck the other housemates. I'm just saying you're allowed to fuck whoever you want to fuck. I'm just saying, was he a Gryffindor? Love is love.

I thought he was a Ravenclaw. No, he's a Gryffindor? Love is love. I thought he was a Ravenclaw. No, he's a Gryffindor. Because he's the good one. He's the one everybody wants to jump the dick of, and Harry Potter's jealous of that, and everybody makes those great badges. Samus looking it up. Yeah, Samus had to close a window labelled Kit Fisto

to search for Cedric Diggory. Look, I reckon Cedric the Entertainer's house, that's much more entertaining. It's actually the Entertainer is a name that I associate with films, but probably he's bad in them. I have no idea who he is. Hufflepuff! We're all wrong! That's the first time anybody

listening to a Harry Potter episode has felt vindication. How was it, listeners? Was it good? Because that's the last bit you're getting for a while. And now you're going to get to experience what happens if you could correct us when you got something wrong. Anyway, so Cedric's a Gryffindor or whatever. But even with your house, does it, like,

so say I was sorted into Slytherin, right, instead of laughed out of the school like we know I would be in real life. And I go for a job, and they're like, do you think it's still relevant? Yeah, absolutely. I think in the Harry Potter realm, yeah, because for them, like, high school is so integrally important. If they're like, you're a Slytherin, they're like, well, you're a backstabbing piece of shit. You're not going to get this job at the bank, Jackson. There's no wizard cop who's a Slytherin. Yeah, well maybe all wizard cops are slytherin well i get it but what

we're talking about here is your amazing copaganda yeah that's because only the most only good gryffindors become wizard cops that's true was a cog the no no a cag a cag would be all cops are good all cops that's what I'm trying to say. I wish that in retaliation the cops would put the acronym ACAG around. ACAB? What about ACAG? Don't say that. We hate you even more now.

What about ACAG? Shut up. But yes, most cops would probably be Gryffindors. Is that what we were arguing? Well, Harry becomes a wizard cop and he's Gryffindors. Is that what we were arguing? Well, Harry becomes a wizard cop and he's Gryffindor. He becomes more like a wizard detective, but same difference. Shut up.

Oh my God. Listeners got vindication. I just fucking got what talking to me is usually like. Here's an arbitrary correction. Actually, I i'm gonna cut things off right here and tell you you're wrong but only mildly yeah but only in a way that was unimportant to the overall uh discussion at hand anyway and they leave all these decisions yeah down to a hat well i guess it would be kind of like again i'm getting stuck into the sorting part not the hat part that's okay but i guess it'd be kind of like it doesn't happen as much in australia at least it's not as far as i'm aware

versus like the states which is like what college you go to or like what university so if you're like a harvard student people are like oh yeah sick you went to harvard yeah yeah i'm a yale boy like oh yes yale but if you went to fucking shit holeole USA, everyone's like, maybe this job at this bank isn't for you. Bad name for a university. Shithole USA. Not even shithole universe. Shithole you. We're named after our founder, Greg Shithouse.

Well, the USA doesn't stand for United States of America. It stands for University Shit Association. States of America and stands for University Shit Association. You know, Shit Hole University, Shit Hole Association. It's strange, Greg, why you would want to make it your university. Is there a University Shit Hole

Association? That's part of the name. It's so unclear. Did he start it? But yes, so it's similar in that it's got a lot of baggage. So I guess what we should have just said is the weight of which house

you're in is big in Harry Potter. It's important. It's all about weight. Yeah, I guess you could have said that correct. It has real life ramifications. For sure. Because not only at high school, which is what Hogwarts is, where you're only really, well, you can, as we also found out, to Cedric Diggory famously, a Hufflepuff, as we learned.

As we learned on air. Can fraternize. Can fraternize with other houses, but you do live with your house. And you school with your... Oh, no, you don't school with your house. And the thing is that you're basically... You are kind of living in your own bubble there. And you're basically having a big echo chamber

because, yes, you have classes with other house members, yes, but when you go back and when you're doing your homework and most of your social experiences, your social times, are with your own... You eat at your own table. And you eat at your own table and you eat your own tables so again that that socializing time which is probably more important is all in the same house say i wanted to go over to like harry ron and hermione and put my fist in each of their mug of drink or whatever yeah yeah from the table at the back because i don't get a house

you're you're at the table for when the sorting hat just do a huge fart on your head instead of saying a house. I pulled out the hat and there was just a little pile of baked beans on my head. What does this mean? And Dumbledore's like, I don't know. You can sit on that old

We'll see that Mrs. Morris, Filch's cat, how it's got a bowl down there. Yes, you can drink from the same bowl. What if I need food? That's your problem. Grab some of those beans, I guess. You got the beans. They're all covered in hair.

Yeah, but it's your hair. Who smells that? I guess. Sit down by the bowl with Mrs. Morris, go to get a bit. She hisses at me. I'm like, yeah, fair call. Fair call. I think her name with Mrs. Morris, go to get a bit. She hisses at me. I'm like, yeah, fair call. Fair call. I think her name is Mrs. Norris.

Oh, excuse me. I think. Well, yes. If I went over to their table, presumably frustrated with my position in life, and put my fist in each of their, like punched Ron's turkey or whatever, would I get in trouble for leaving my designated? No, not for not leaving your table but you would get in trouble for punching a turkey okay because it

happens like like even um draco walks up to the table and he's like potter i'm furious or something yeah yeah yeah yeah this is like the fucking snake boy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so you're not getting in trouble for that. What if I went and sat near them on their table? Would I get in trouble, do we think? I wonder if you could just go up and sit. We don't really see it. Yeah, like say we got sorted into three different houses.

Say you're kissing Cho. Oh, my God. You're age appropriate. She's also 40. We aged her off. She's like 10 years older than you yeah whatever I like older women me and Cho Chang are both 40

but it's 1997 that's important too when was I born? 40 years before 1997 that rolls I was a child of the 50s baby When was I born? 40 years before 1997. Whoa. That rolls. The 50s. I was a child of the 50s, baby. Do you know I lived through the atomic bomb?

Oh, I guess you did too, Cho-Chang. Never mind. No, you didn't. The atomic bomb was 1945. Yeah. Well, my granddad lived through the atomic bomb. Our grand... Anyway, Cho, let's get back to smooching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're both 40. You're let's get back to smooching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're both 40. You're both 40 and love a smooch. Yeah. But you're in Mrs. Norris's house and she's in Ravenclaw.

Yeah. I guess if you did try and sit at the same table. We'd be like, why are these two 40 year olds at the school for magical little tea? In the year of our Lord 1997.

I kept getting held down. Not very clever. That's why. Yeah, but will we get in trouble, I guess, is the question. I don't think so. I think that it seems like the kind of thing where they'd be like, you're not meant to, but we're not going to take points off anyone's house or anything

for you doing it. I suspect. Yeah, I feel it's more of a social construct rather than a rule. It's kind of like, well, no, there's no, it's the implication. no one is like you're not you can if you wanted to but it's implied you don't could be like a high school experience that i may have just made up which is when you're in year seven so first year of high school yeah which is middle school in some other places and in uk who knows what it's called who can even father they start their school year in the middle of the year for some godforsaken reason.

That's fucked up. Have you ever thought about having summer holidays at the end of the year? When it's warm? I guess it's cold over there. Just call it winter holidays, I guess. Yeah, that is crazy. Start in January or February or whatever.

It ended November or December. It makes sense. School years, baby. Yeah, exactly. It's like a normal year. I guess it makes sense why they say a school year anyway what was i saying right yeah so when you start high school you put in like your classes and a lot of the activities outside of class you're still in classes but i guess it's just so that they're like hey this is a new environment for you just to make friends so you can build up some social situation. So you're saying that kind of ideally in Hogwarts it would be like,

say, first three to four years you're in your houses, from fifth year on for the last two or three years or whatever, you're free to get rid of the houses. See, I would almost do something like where it's like, right, so you have your houses and that's only important for your sporting events, kind of like how we do things in high school. So just like Quidditch. Like your Quidditch stuff like that.

In very big important dinners, like the first dinner and all those kind of things. Then you have like, oh, yes, we're bringing up the house tables. But then after that, they just kind of set up like a regular cafeteria with big circles. And then the dorm rooms, maybe as opposed to kind of like by house, by year. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy they don't do it by year. Does that actually already happen? Not the, we know the room stuff doesn't, but does it already happen in Hogwarts?

Like, are we confusing big great hall dinners? Is that not every dinner? Yeah, I know. Maybe that doesn't actually happen every night? Is there a scene where they're like, oh, let's go to dinner, and like they go to the great hall and it's pretty empty and they can kind of sit where they want. During Christmas time.

Yeah, when there's no kids. Because I know there was a thing when there was no... Let's think about the hat and not this. Yeah. Does the hat know? How does the hat know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going back to the hat, because the problem, like, look,

there is an inherent problem, I think, of just sorting people into groups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buy a hat. But now buy a hat. Is there a better option? Yes. So basically, presumably what's happening is you put the hat on,

it's sucking on some of your juice and deciding whether it's cunt juice, dumb cunt juice. Well, dumb cunt juice, cunt cunt juice, brave cunt juice, or clever cunt juice, smart cunt juice. And then it tells you, based on your juice, what kind of cunt you are. What kind of cunt you are. Oh, look at this little fucking clever cunt. Go to the clever cunt house.

Oh, this cunt is a bit of a silly cunt. This is cunt. Oh my god. Nothing but cunt cunt in this cunt. This cunt's a real cunt. I wish that the hat dropped the house animal out of it on your head, depending on what house you got in.

Snake, lion, badger, eagle, whatever. Why? Because that would be cool. Because then the whole house would be... There's a lot of snakes. Yeah, a lot of snakes just slithering around. Yeah. You're saying it wouldn't be cool?

Then the eagles would attack the snakes. The lions attack the badgers. Badger. Anarchy, baby. Badgers attack all the kids. Everyone's gotta get out of the great hall really quickly. Well, no, not really quickly, because everyone's sorted one at a time, slowly,

because... The lion comes out, Dumbledore shoots it. Can't have lions everywhere, students. The kids nod knowingly. That was the first deadline of, students. The kids nod knowingly. That was the first dead lion of the day. The students nod solemnly knowing that there is many more to come. Exactly. Well, yeah, well, what's a better system?

Is a better system to be like, no houses. Kids, fuck you. You're just going to... Because I was thinking like a better system would be like an aptitude test. So you kind of have like a questionnaire. So if you are stupid... That's worse. But maybe that might be worse that's way worse that's like you remember in swimming sports i don't know if you had this this is another maybe high school memory i invented but in swimming sports you get sorted

into like dolphin you know carp minnow or whatever okay not for me yep sure i know this is not only me i've spoken to other people who've had this experience. Okay. But it was a thing where it was like, if you're in Minnow, it's because you're a worse swimmer. And everyone knew that. But the teachers were like, no, no, no, no. It's just the arbitrary house we've sorted you into. Okay, so in swimming classes, I know what you're talking about.

So, like, if as a child you would graduate from swimming classes and they would all have different names. ABC kind of thing. Yeah. Well, even, like, as a child child child they would have had names like yeah but it's like so minnow or whatever is for like four-year-olds that no no this was this was but purely aptitude i remember in like high school them asking people like what they're so like checking what level of swimming they were okay as opposed to an aptitude test, what about a personality test?

Okay, so what happens if you group everyone with the same personality together? Oh, a worse echo chamber. Yeah. How about this then? Imagine Twitter, but worse. What about star size? If you're going to pick something arbitrary, why don't you just make a phone? Well, if we're going to pick something arbitrary, make it arbitrary.

Make it a random number generator in the hat, or that Dumbledore has on his phone. One, two, three, four, baby. He just picks and you just go into whatever house. Or maybe, because this is something they always talk about in Harry Potter, maybe you actually can pick. The hat gives you suggestions and then you pick. So maybe it's not really the hat that's making the decisions. I'm saying that like

There is no silly cunt house And there is no like Real cunt house If you're a dumb cunt house It's just more like Because you think you're a dumb cunt Yeah it's more like It's the marketing of those houses

Yeah So it's kind of like Oh yeah Gryffindor Everyone thinks it's the brave cunt house But it's just a house It's the house for people Who think they're brave cunts It's self perpetuating

So you've got So they just become smug house Yeah Dumb cunt house They all become smug house Except dumb cunt So they just become smug house. Yeah. Dumb cunt house. They all become smug house except dumb cunt house. Who hate themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just like low self-esteem house.

Loathed house. Jackson, what house would you like to be in? I'm an idiot. I'm not clever. What's the house for little dumb boys? Okay, so you're in sad-o house. Yeah, that's good for me. That checks out.

Well, no, because Gryffindor's definitely, I feel like if you think that you're brave, brave enough that that's your personality trait, that's definitely smugger than if you think you're smart. Yeah. It just becomes smug house, nerd house, sad house, and evil house. It feels like if you think that you're as brave as you are in Gryffindor, that that's almost like a Slytherin trait.

You know what I mean? You're like, yeah, I'm the best. They're like Slytherin. So it kind of, maybe the houses are all moved. You know what I mean? Moved which way? I think I'm clever. Well, you're a dumb fuck.

Yeah, exactly. So go to Hufflepuff. Yeah, you're stupid. You're 11, you fucking idiot. You're not clever. Yeah, maybe it's all. Maybe it's like, oh, I'm so brave. Yeah, you are Sly clever. Maybe it's like, I'm so brave. Yeah, you are, Slytherin. I'm a coward boy.

Ah, the bravest of them all. I'm slimy. You're brave. Yeah, I guess it doesn't make sense in that direction. I'm dumb. You're clever. Good point. No fair.

Yes, I'm conniving. No, you're're not you dumb shit Because the only reason I bring up that you can pick Is that Harry puts the hat on The sorting hat's like Slytherin boy And he's like no I think I'd like to go Gryffindor And he's like well we'll go Gryffindor There's a fan theory or maybe it's confirmed

But I really do not care to differentiate Between the two Apparently it happened with Harryry and ron and hermione but i don't know why hermione would care yeah yeah yeah yeah isn't it true with like the only one that is that kind of thing like gryffindor is like will accept uh people into its house like if you choose to go to gryffindor the other houses are like you know real cunt stupid cunt clever cunt ron's stupid hermione's smart and harry will suck off a snake or whatever yeah but then they wanted to be together

for the power of friendship but why doesn't Hermione care yeah I don't know why, she doesn't know them they only met on the train like an hour earlier 11 year olds shouldn't be given that power and also I'm pretty sure she gets sorted before the other two so again why would she care well it's because Gryffindor's got prestige I think

which is weird because then why would not everyone pick a Gryffindor and then also, I think. Which is weird, because then why would not everyone pick a Gryffindor? And then also, like, she wouldn't know that. And also, boop, then I'm like, people. Because she's a big nerd. Yeah, she probably does know that. No, no, she's a big nerd born of muggles. Yeah, but she's still, she gives Harry all the info about how Hogwarts works.

But it doesn't make sense, because why would you ever, if you could pick, why would you ever pick Hogwarts? Well, no, there'd be a pamphlet, right? Yeah. Like, the owl would still, like, deliver a pamphlet, right? Yeah. Like the owl would deliver a pamphlet like, welcome to Hogwarts, here is what to expect. Yeah. And you're going to be sold into four houses. Because no one gets there and like, four houses.

Well, Harry does. Four houses. Everyone's like, four houses, what the fuck is this? I'm assuming there's like a good presentation before you go there, like an open day situation. But I guess you can't actually go there. How great is it to imagine like the three of us on the train or whatever muggle born i don't know and like a wizard comes on and they're like well you're going to go into hufflepuff ravenclaw gryffindor

or slytherin and we're like what the fuck are you saying i'd like to get off this train now you just look i just i just saw a chocolate frog come to life and leap into my mouth what are you saying is the power of Christ speaking through you right now? Are you having some kind of religious epiphany? Just poking my head into the corridor. Help! This guy's got the power of Christ in him. What the fuck is a

Hufflepuff? How do I get it out? How do I get it out and into me? Guys, I'm going to suck the Christ out of this guy. You get a nurse Hold that fucker down And then getting there and finding out that we will get sorted Because if you have no knowledge Of what any of it

Oh there's a song The sorting hat sings a song where he explains it to you Yeah but that's You learn it before you put the hat on Which is way too soon But when did he come up with the song? Well, I think he sings a different song every year, is my vague memory of how the book goes.

Did the sorting hat always exist? Well, the sorting hat, this is what I think the sorting hat is, and I almost don't want to learn the truth. And I see Dusha getting his phone out, maybe to look it up. So if you find out the truth and it's not interesting, don't tell me. So what I think is that the sorting hat used to be a real wizard and then he put his soul in a hat. The wizard loved sorting.

He loved putting kids in boxes. He knows what kid should go where, I think, is the deal, as far as I can tell. So I got some good news and some bad news. Okay. The good news is, no, the bad news is I don't know because the good news is my phone will not load this page. That's great news.

But I don't know if that's better. I mean, I guess it is because a wizard can tell. See, the problem here is it's almost better having the random number generator is better because you're always going to have biases when it comes to sorting people. And that's just a thing that's going to happen. So if you have a wizard who's doing it for one person. That's ultimately altering everybody's experience

and life trajectory to one dead dude. Yeah, so maybe it's better if it is just a hat. Yeah. Because then there's no human bias in a hat. Like just a regular hat, non-magic? I didn't find the answer I was looking for but I did find the opening line of the 1991 Sorting Hats song.

Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see. I'll eat myself if you can find a smarter hat than me. Done. I want to see that. I want to see a hat eat itself. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often

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of his legally binding signature. Sold separately or as a set of three. Check them out at our merch store over at sanspansradio.com. Your face is very good, as you learn. Yeah. Yeah, nothing, nothing. Nothing good. Bo Diddley.

Yeah, the sorting hat is notorious for refusing to admit has made a mistake on its sorting of a student. That's a bad sentence because that means that it can make mistakes. Which means that the houses are very important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because who cares if there's mistakes? Okay, yeah. Have you found out?

So in days of yore. Oh, yeah, no, it wasn't a guy, by the way. They were chosen or assigned personally by the four founders themselves. Okay. So it's basically like uh like you know like uh like picking someone for your sports team yeah like you know australia's got talent everyone like you know had a little chair that wasn't facing me and they would slam a button yes and then then fucking gryffindor he came up with the idea of the sorting hat let's make a hat and

then he and the other three enchanted with their combined prowess to review and assign future generations long after they were dead. And thus the sorting ceremony. What does the sorting hat do? Because it's alive. It just sits in the headmaster's office. I saw that bit when I was looking before. That sucks, dude. Yeah, dude.

It really does. Jackson, if you had to just sit until we needed you to record. That would be pretty good. Especially if I was a hat. Yeah, look fair. Magic hats. You can probably make yourself think of cool shit.

Yeah. So your sole purpose is to sort children and occasionally get things pulled from you. Yeah. But your sole, yeah, you've been enchanted to be like, hey, sort some of these magical little boys. I think that if I was a sorting hat, when people pulled stuff out of me, that would be cool. It would feel good. Not even feel good, just be like, I feel good.

I would feel good, though. Let's not beat around the bush. Imagine the sword coming out of you would be a bit like taking a great shit. Yeah. Imagine how bad it would be if when Harry pulled out the sword, just right at the end. Oof. Yeah, just a, whew.

Harry, excuse me? Should I put this back in? Yeah. I don't want to now. Okay, your choice. I imagine kind of like, yeah, popping a huge pimple or taking a big shit. Yeah, I think it would feel delightful. One of the best feelings a hat could feel.

Yeah, I think at the end of the day, we can sort hats, but hats shouldn't be allowed to sort us. Yeah. I honestly think your random like number generator is better because the thing is what you're doing is is no matter what you're doing is you are the moment you start sorting sure like the first couple years they're doing it you're like oh it's the lines aren't i guess that clear yeah but the longer it goes on the divide between each house is further and further and further. And then you eventually kind of have these giant echo chambers of what a Gryffindor is,

what a Slytherin is, what a Ravenclaw is. Hey, this might be a stupid question, but as a former teacher of the knowledge of education, how did we just sort classes in normal school? I don't actually know. Like homerooms and shit. They just seem to be kind of random. Yeah. Just do that again.

As I'm saying, like, surely it's a random number generator. Surely what they do is they just go random, and then they look at their list and be like, oh, these two kids should be together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if it's your first year, I guess they have to be a little. Or how about this? First year, sure, we get the sorting hat chuckered on. Sort every year. Sort them every year. Oh, that's clever.

That would mean Harry, Ron, and Hermione might get split up, and that's fine. Yeah, like, because as a teacher, I'd be like, those three. I'm teaming up Ron and Draco just to see what happens. Yeah, I want Crabbe and Goyle in all my classes. Those lads are a laugh.

They are so stupid. They saw a floating cupcake and decided to eat it and then fell unconscious. How the fuck are they not in dumb fuck house? I don't get it. How are they in Slytherin? Because they're knuckleheads. Yeah, they are knuckleheads.

They are beautiful knuckleheads. Knucklehead house. I think they should hate that. If you're so fucking tired of this hat choice. Yeah, if you need it to be a hat to make the decision. Hat year one. But then I think you should be able to either chuck the hat back on. Yeah.

Or at least split them up into further. I guess the only reason that the hat's good is because you can secretly pick. But then if you can secretly pick, then who cares? Also, don't do it one at a time. That's fucked. Every aspect of this is fucked yeah imagine being like look as as a zam being last no one cares yeah like sure the first person like jackson bailey he puts it on like the corner with mrs morris everyone's like yeah i wonder where suck it off the cat house i wonder where else everyone else will be put in this grand hall

and then realizing. And then, you know, they get to douche you and they're just like, sick lad to the house. And like everyone's clapping, et cetera, et cetera. A skateboard just comes out. You hop on it and skate out the great hall. School's for nerds, you fucking cunts. Where's he going?

And then they sort of like every other student gets got and then it comes to me and everyone's finished their meals. Yeah, nobody cares anymore. Some people have gone to bed. Because it's like, it's a lot of kids. It's a lot of kids, yeah. Jackson's gotten into a fight with Mrs Norris, has scratches from his eyes.

Yeah, I've been met Madam Pomfrey's because the cat ate my tongue. You've done a sick Ollie off student. I'm halfway home. I got back down the road. Grinding on the train tracks. Grinding on the fucking moving staircase. I guess I came back for that.

You're like, wait a minute. I'd be sick to do tricks in there. And then you get sorted and no one cares. Who cares? Everyone's like, yay, Harry Potter's in hell. And they cheer and shit. But then it's sorted by last name. No, no, no.

Because even still. Yeah, if you were the last one, say. Yeah. And even imagine, you know, the three of us say, me and you, should we get sorted into, say, Gryffindor? And we're like, it would be sick if Zammett also got sorted into Gryffindor. Yeah. But we know we're going to have to wait until the very end.

Are you sticking around? Yeah, are you sticking around? Are you cheering as loud as the first person did? It's the same thing with any ceremony. Even if we're into a graduation thing, the first person's like, yeah! Then by the last, everyone's like, just fucking hurry up, I'm tired. And I saw some delicious cheese outside, and that has my name on it.

There's a thousand students at Hogwarts. Yeah, fuck that. So there is about a hundred... Well, it's already done. No, no, no. I'm not doing it. It's done. There's roughly 143 students per year level. So you have to watch 143 kids put on a hat and be like...

Yeah, but this is the math I want to do. 143 students. How long does it take for one student to go up there, get sorted, and come back down? Three minutes? Five minutes? It'd be like a graduation ceremony. Except slightly longer. But you gotta put the hat on. You gotta have a conversation with the son-in-law. It'd be like everyone's got a PhD.

Yeah, it's long. Oh man, graduating was the worst part of university. Not because I left. That was fine. It's not good even. But just like Jesus. He just drags. Guys, we've been doing ceremonies for years.

Why can't they be good? Pick it up. Let us drink or something. I reckon you'd be there for about three hours. That would be my guess. Maybe longer as you wait. All right. So we'll say two minutes per student.

You reckon two minutes? I reckon three. I would say five, but let's cut the difference, go four minutes. Okay. Four minutes. It's a minute you get your name called. You walk up onto the thing. You put the hat on.

You have a conversation with the hat. The hat calls your name. So 143 times four minutes divided by 60. of the thing. You put the hat on. You have a conversation with the hat. The hat calls your name. Everyone cheers. You walk on down. 143 times 4 minutes divided by 60. Nine and a half hours. Oh no! Jesus!

Okay, so what's 143 divided by 60? Let's say it's a minute. That's still two and a half hours. A minute per student, which is not long. That's still fucking ages. bit hours. A minute per student, which is not long. That's still fucking ages. Jesus Christ. There's got to be a better way.

Shut down the school. And again, because everything is such in... I mean, you could do it the wrong way. Or to find them earlier in their acceptance letter. Just put it in the acceptance letter.

You are a Gryffindor cunt. Enjoy. We know you're a wizard. We also know you're Gryffindor. Suck shit, see you at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a wizard, Ari. A Gryffindor cunt. Enjoy. We know you're a wizard. We also know you're Gryffindor. Suck shit, see you at school. You're a wizard, Harry. A Gryffindor wizard. That's too many silly words.

If Hagrid came to me and he's like, Jackson, you're a Hufflepuff wizard. We're going to Diagon Alley. I'd be like, shut up. Shut your mouth. First of all, what? Second of all, no, we're not. Speak like a normal human being.

Say regular words. Your. Your. You are what? A wizard. Okay, wizard I understand is great. Not real. A Hufflepuff wizard?

Shut up. Is your mouth full of fucking marshmallows? Have you been possessed by the power of Christ as well? Is Christ in you, Hagrid? Because I've got to suck it out. We're going to where, Ali? Shut up. Yeah, so I just feel that a hat's not the best. Because I've got to suck it out. We're going to where, Ali? Shut up. Yeah.

So I just feel that a hat's not the best. I feel that it's also just long and boring. Just put it in a fucking letter. Yeah. Put it in a letter. What about just a raffle at the start? You get four house captains. Yeah.

And there's a big raffle with everyone's kid's name, and you just draw it out like that. And you do it before the fucking ceremony? Yeah. And then if they're like, ah, Harry Potter and like say Hufflepuff

and they're like, ah, it's like, you know, Lily and, I don't want to deal with this because anyone want it and you can trade it.

Kind of like they do in sports where you can do some trade. Still too late. Yeah, this is way too late. What about this? But you know, we're not watching it.

It's all admin and it's the staff. Or, what about this? You go, you sit down at the table, all the students file in, they can sit wherever and then the tables like with magic they light up the color of your house wherever you're sitting that's where you are oh yeah it's

right your gryffindor wherever yeah it's time to say goodbye to your new friends and make new friends yeah there you go i like that because then you automatically kind of converse with the people around you you're always you're gonna make friends at another level of magic all the chairs just drop into the ground and then shoot back up with a normal table. Yeah, yeah. Wait, to kill the kids?

No, the kids are alive. The kids survive the experience. Let's add another layer of magic. Tables go down like a spring and then fire the kids into the roof. That's what I thought you were saying. They fire the roof and then the roof rotates a bit

and drops them in the right house. No, no, no, no, no. They just go up. All right. Let's add another layer of magic. Happy New Year! of the roof and then the roof rotates a bit and drops them in the right house no no no they just go ah we've got another layer of magic happy new year we've got another layer of magic

all the teachers stand up they say Avada Kedavra and then they just kill all the kids sorted

that's much better than a hat doing it then you get to sort between alive and dead I guess whoever survived

is a powerful wizard and on that note I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Joel D that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Dusha. And I've been Joel Salvat. Harry Potter's easy. It's easy. We figured it out.

It's so easy. Get rid of the hat. Kill the children. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansRadio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community.

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