Plumbing the Death Star - Is Dr Dolittle's Life a Living Hell? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

In which our heroes talk to the animals, learn their languages and grunt and squeak and squawk with the lot of em as we question if Dr Dolittle’s life is a living hell. We look at the terrible gypsy curse that has befallen the Dolittle line, the possible shared ancestry they have with the Venturas and the difficulties of explaining Laika to your own pet dog. Zammit questions if Dr Dolittle is a vegetarian and is angry if he isn’t, Jackson once again proclaims that cousins is okay and James just wants to fight crimes with dogs. It’s a terrible tale of goldfish gods, alcoholic monkeys and crap chameleons as we’re reminded that with great power comes great responsibility and there’s no greater responsibility than being the mouth piece of every animal you encounter.Want to help a bear with his complex emotional problems? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in this grizzly less grouchy.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-nine books about freeing yourself from gypsy curses.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, 10 out of 10, A+, wood bang. Do you want some more padding in the winter months? Head to redbubble.com and search for Sands Pants Radio and buy like six shirts to act as a winter coat. They can have my face on them, or they can be the Plumbing the Death Star logo, you got a lot of options. Buy hoodies, because that'll be warmer. Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions, like, is Dr. Doolittle's life a living hell? Whoa, if I could talk to the animals Just imagine it, chatting with a chimping chimpan Yes, like, oh my god, could you imagine hearing every animal that was near you? What level does it get down to? I was going to say, well, could you hear ants? Yeah.

Because there are a lot of ants, guys. They'd be screaming. And there wouldn't be a lot going on. It'd just be like, ants, ants. Now, I am an ant. I am getting food. I'm an ant. I've got to get food for the other ants.

My life's pretty sick. Is that just most animals' thought process? Is I am a whatever first? Yes. Every thought is followed by... As evidenced in the movie, they all have pretty human consciousnesses and stuff. They're sassy. They're sassing him.

They're chatting to him. And the second one, he helps that bear get laid. That's true. And that bear has complex emotional problems. That bear's not just like, hey, Dr. Doolittle, how you doing? I need to mate, because that's kind of what my species does.

Let's sort it out. He's like, I want a romantic relationship. What level of, like, helping animals to mate does he stop at? What do you mean? Like, is he going to help a hamster, like, mate with a different hamster? I don't know. Is he going to get them together? Why does he help that one bear and not anyone else?

Why does he feel indebted to that bear? That bear, as an aside, went on to kill its handler in reality. Just pro tip for the listeners. Guys, don't work with bears. They're dangerous. Imagine, because, okay, so in the movie he chats to an alcoholic monkey. Uh-huh. An angry horse.

Uh-huh. Okay, you just accept. Yeah, neither. From memory. horse uh-huh okay you just you just accept yeah neither but from memory yes and and and norm mcdonald as a dog yeah a crap chameleon yeah yeah that's one which actually don't they don't blend in isn't that they they change color for mood not yeah not for camouflage at all that movie is just all over the show so wait does the chameleon there being like i'm so mad i can't blend in no it just can't blend in and at the end they just does the chameleon there being like, I'm so mad I can't blend in? No, it just can't blend in. And at the end, they just give the chameleon a room to itself,

which is all green. Okay. Like a full room, which is crazy. So Dr. Doodle is not so much a vet as like an animal psychiatrist, really. Yes. Which I guess you would become if you suddenly found out you could talk to animals. But then you're like, how long do animals live for?

This parrot's going to live like, I don't know, how long does a parrot live? Parrots live a while. A while. Like a cockatoo, like a hundred years sometimes. Oh, okay, fine. Chameleon, they're like,

maybe like ten. Like a macaw? You know? But like, I'm not talking a rat down off a ledge. Like, there's enough of a job. Yeah, exactly. If a rat's up there

and it's like, I'm going to kill myself, you're like, well, yeah, good. You are a pest, mate. There are so many of you. Like, you know, in Australia,

we've got like foxes and rabbits and stuff they're pests for us so like kangaroos are a pest kangaroo yes i'm kangaroos like oh i want to kill myself i'll be like yeah good no but then because it happens to dr little pretty suddenly doesn't yes he's gonna get electrocuted or something there's a trigger right i don't know what it is maybe a lightning bolt and he finishes the film by performing surgery on a walrus. Oh. Right. I think electrocution, I think I'm thinking of What Women Want,

where Mel Gibson can hear inside women's heads and dogs. And I don't know what that's saying. Is that really what happened? That is what's, do you remember that? Hang on. I remember the movie. I just didn't know he could also hear dogs. Yes.

Are you not thinking of Dr. Doodle as well? No, no, no. I swear. So he can hear what women and dogs think. Yes. No one got angry? I don't remember that at all. It was the 90s, man.

But still, it wasn't that long ago. Or was it what women dogs could think? It might have been just women dogs, but... Bitches. Fairly certain. Should it have just been called What Bitches Want? What Women and Dogs Want.

No, but only female dogs. Yeah, well, we don't know. I think it might have been. I doubt it. If it was going to be... Other lady animals? If it was going to be a plot point, I would feel that it would make more sense if Mal Gibson was going to hear only female dogs. I feel like they made that movie and did nobody think that this is going to come off as sexist?

Did nobody think that the committee of writers who were deciding what women are thinking... This was Mal Gibson at his peak. This was Mal Gibson before all the Kill All Jewels... I mean, he had those thoughts and words. Yeah, but not out loud to everyone in public. Apparently a lot of people were known to write in the early 90s and was like, yeah, he's really anti-Semitic,

to me specifically. But that came out all after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, apparently there's background lines in the Lethal Weapon movies where there's, like, a lesbian couple and he's like, oh, that's disgusting. Like, you just hear him say it. What the fuck?

Yeah, apparently. I haven't checked, but yeah. Mal, you were once a treasurer of Australia. Now you're, like, New Zealand's problem. Exactly. I want you,, but yeah. Mel, you were once a treasurer of Australia. Now you're like New Zealand's problem. Exactly. I want your money. Yeah. What do you think would be the worst animal to be able to...

What animal has the worst problems? Like, I think listening to pets would be super sad. Like, that's what would make Dr. Doodle's life a living hell. Yeah. Imagine a dog being like, they took my balls and I don't know why. There's an episode of Rick and Morty. Have you seen that? Yeah. Yeah, the dog's like, Morty. Have you seen that? Yeah.

But that is actually the characters. Yeah, the dog's like, why did you do that to me? What is wrong with you? But couldn't, because he could explain it. Because they can understand. If they can understand him, that means they can understand every other human? No, because they can only understand.

I think they're like, holy shit, you can talk to us. What the fuck? Because they're not like, hey. Holy shit, you can understand us. Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. But that means they can understand every other. Basically, they can speak English is my point. Yes.

They can speak. Yeah. Animals can't speak. Sorry. Animals can understand human speech. Yes. So that means they can understand everything that goes around us. I guess.

Yeah, I guess so. But it's only that Dr. Doodle can hear them. Which is even more disturbing. Because that means that that dog is like, they're like, oh, we've got to cut off his balls. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they're like, yeah, we've got to take his balls. And he's like, please don't. They just don't hear them.

They just don't hear at all. And Dr. Doodle can hear that dog being like, oh, my God, my testicles. I liked them. You know, so he's hearing that. Goldfish? Goldfish. Oh, God, yeah.

I think you've got like a nine-second memory. I think that's not true anymore. Yeah, they're pretty clever for fish. They're pretty clever for fish. Because would you have to explain to them that that's your whole world and that's nothing? Yeah, like, a goldfish is probably like, how sick is, like, this is great. If you spoke to a goldfish, it wouldn't comprehend because you're not.

You're its god. Your frames of reference are just completely different. Yeah, exactly. Like a dog understands the world because a dog is, you know, with you, can sort of hear and experience what you're doing as well, whereas a goldfish is just like, this is my world, this is the best. But say you casually mention space around an animal. That's your day, explaining space.

Yeah, exactly. To an animal. You're like, oh, yes, I was watching this thing on astronauts and your dog's like, sorry, what? You're like, oh yeah, in space. He's like, I honestly cannot. Where do you even begin? What is a dog's frame of reference for space? And then you'd have to

explain him the experiments, the rough... You wouldn't have to. You don't bring that up. I think he'd be mad if he found out and you didn't tell him. Yeah, that's true. Is there any recordings of that? Of Laika? Yeah. Yeah, there's a couple.

So if Dr. Doodle heard those recordings, would he just be like, what the fuck is going on? Where am I? No, but Laika didn't... Just screams. Laika didn't know what was going on. Laika would be like, yeah, sick.

Put in a box by the masters, but I guess that's pretty good. This is what's happening. And then, oh, shit, it's hot. Dead. That dog's still up there. Yeah, there's a dog skeleton in space, which's pretty good. This is what's happening. And then, oh, shit, it's hot. Dead. That dog's still up there. Yeah, there's a dog skeleton in space, which is pretty sick. Sad is the word I was going to use.

It's kind of cool, though. Like, I'm just imagining, you know, like... What... Yeah? Oh, sorry, go on. No, please. What women want. He counters numerous women, and he can hear their thoughts,

even those of a female poodle. So maybe it's just females. Maybe it's just ladies. So it is what bitches want. Yeah, I guess so. I feel like that movie would have done worse off with that title, somehow. But I think you're right. Yes. Dr. Dolittle as well.

Like, if we try and... It's genetic. His ability to talk to him. His daughter has it. His daughter gets it. And then I think her daughter gets it in the most very recent one. Seven, whatever happened now. He's not in the third one, so presumably he killed himself. Yeah, I think that's safe to assume that he shot himself

and his daughter was like, why? Why did he shoot himself? And then the dog's like, he could hear us talk and our lives are hell. And she was like, oh, fuck. Because a lot of animals are nocturnal. So he cannot sleep. He cannot sleep because we are talking all the time. And he's the only one who can understand us.

Some awful shit happens to animals in our world. And if a dog were to see that happen or not even a dog, like a monkey he encounters that alcoholic monkey in the first one. I think it's a circus monkey which in the 90s

alcoholics. In the 90s all circuses were getting monkeys drunk hey if you have a monkey you'd probably get a drunk at least especially if you're in a circus there's no law in a circus exactly it's a circus law but so that monkey is eventually you're you're going to just be chatting to him and you're going to explain the internet he's going to go in the he's going to find out about like animal testing and then he's going to be like stop it you have to stop it we have feelings and emotions can you imagine going through a farm like a meat farm is he a vegetarian if he's not should be angry

he'd have to be the amount of responsibility that dr doolittle has that eddie murphy in dr like if he doesn't join any kind some kind of animal rights organization or he doesn't go out of his way to do that kind of eco-terrorist kind of stuff then he's an awful person yeah because he's now got there's a great power and with that of course becomes great responsibility and he doesn't really take an animal's plight any further than what they he just kind of like helps them out in a super superficial level yeah he like helps a bear get laid that's it he's not like not like, hey, maybe we shouldn't have circus bears. Yeah.

Or he's not like, okay, we want to show the world that you, bears and dogs and monkeys and chameleons all have emotions, clear, present, full-on emotions and complex lives. So let's prove it to them because surely that wouldn't be too hard. You'd be like, hey, draw this, write this. I'll teach you how. You're exactly right, yeah. Or he'd be like, hey, draw this, write this. I'll teach you how. You're exactly right, yeah. Or you could be like, okay, hold up three fingers.

Hold up four fingers. Yeah. Like you could do some easy scientific tests that would show that, you know, shit, this guy can talk to an animal. Because he doesn't tell people? No, he's kind of ashamed of it and he tries to give it a secret and everybody thinks he's insane. Because he could be like, I can talk to a dog.

Seriously, put that dog in the next room. Tell that dog something. Get that dog here. I'll repeat back exactly what he said. He said this and also this. And you'd be like, okay, that's a coincidence. Let's do it again. And you'd be like, no, clearly this guy is speaking to an animal.

And you can speak to dogs. And then you do it with all times that you'd be like, no, clearly this guy is speaking to an animal. Eddie Murphy can speak to dogs. And then you do it with all animals, and then you're like, this is a guy who has this amazing ability, and then surely he'd be doing what I have. Let's cut him open. What's inside him? Let's eat his brain for his special power. Where's the dog-talking organ?

But surely then he'd have the responsibility to do more with his life. Yeah. If it's genetic, then what is it? Like a mutation? Like a mutation, yeah. And does that mean that his granddad? He used to talk to animals when he was a kid. Yeah. And he blocked it. Is that what happened?

Yeah, actually, I think you're right. I remember at the start, he's talking to all of the dogs in his porch. Yeah. And his dad's like, stop talking to dogs, dogs you crazy fuck and so he blocks it out so that means that that's inherent in him he doesn't get triggered by electricity that means he has a power a superpower yeah or there's like uh like cold reading where you can kind of look at someone and get an idea of uh what their intentions are intuitive kind of intuitively through smells and facial cues maybe he's just like that with animals that with animals he's on that level.

But it's not because we're hearing him have a conversation. Yeah, now he can talk but he can express complex emotions. You're right. What is going on? Yeah, in this world it's you'd start because what you would do is you would I would try and become a bit more of an

activist in terms of animal rights. Because that's what you should be doing. It's your responsibility. Yeah, because, like, look, this chameleon is actually, like, it knows what being, like, frustrated feels like. It's frustrated. Now, that's weird to imagine a chameleon being frustrated, but it happens. So they have this sort of emotional spectrum.

Are we to assume, okay, because in our world... I'm sure people have done tests to find out that chameleons do not get frustrated. Probably not, no. It is unlikely. I mean, hey, a scientist could... I'm thinking the perception of a chameleon is going to... It's limitless.

How they experience the world is going to be completely different to how we experience the world because of all the senses and stuff that's going on. Chameleons, it's a different world. Like a dog, for example, they can't tell what's going on on a TV. A dog thinks other people are dogs. Yeah, exactly.

Isn't that how it is? Yeah, a dog's like, I'm part of the pack, you're all dogs. Yeah, whatever, we're all the same. I was listening to something, I was listening to a crack podcast and talking about how a dog, they don't really understand TV, like they can't see and hear it. Oh, okay, yeah. And so like a dog is just going to sit next to you,

and you're like shouting at the wall. I like that you shout at your TV. Don't you shout at your TV? Fuck you. Yeah, I don't know what that's about. Yeah, exactly. Like, God damn it, they were on a break. And so for them, like the dog is sitting there experiencing that,

and again, his experience is coloured differently as well because they only have the two cones. Also, their hearing and their smell. Very sensitive. Very sensitive. So he can go into a room and be like, yeah, I can smell whoever's been here for the last decade. And so he's sort of experiencing that.

And he could explain that. He could fight crime with dogs. He could fight crime with dogs. He could fight crime with dogs. He could be like, what do you smell? And the dog would be like, oh, he just went around the corner. He's over there, mate. You got him, mate. You're like, sick?

Get a parrot to fly up and just yell at the parrot and have the parrot yell down? Yeah. But okay, because in our universe, a dog thinks that we're all dogs. Yes. Or we're all creatures. We're all whatever it is. We're all part. Yes. Or we're all creatures. We're all whatever it is. We're all part of the... Exactly.

I always wonder with my dog, when we go out shopping or we just leave the house and we don't take him and we come back, is he like, why didn't you catch any rabbits? You guys clearly left on a hunting trip,

but you've come back with shit all. Wait, has your dog ever caught a rabbit? Because he shouldn't be judging. That's what I'm saying. No, he's never caught a rabbit. He's never done anything with his life. My dog is a piece of shit. He's dogs in glass houses.

Dogs in glass houses shouldn't throw rabbits. But okay, that's our universe. Clearly, within the universe of Dr. Dolittle, animals do have these complex emotions. So Dr. Dolittle happens in a complete different universe than our own. I think it has to. I think it has to. Because these animals are experiencing complex emotions. Yeah.

Animals can get depressed, but it's not the same. And superstitious. What? Yeah, doves can get superstitious. That's crazy. Is it only doves? I think it was the test on doves. Like what kind of superstitions? Ladder? Mirror? I think it was... Bad luck.

Either they get superstitious or they're better at it than us. Forget the experiment. What do you mean better at being superstitious than us? I'm pretty good at being superstitious, mate. Better at not being superstitious. They have a thing. You peck it a couple of times, some food will come out.

So you peck it two times, food will come out. Then they'll turn around and food will come out. But it's like you peck it like two times, food will come out. Then they'll turn around and food will come out. But it's all completely randomised. Yeah. So they'll just keep doing what they think is the right thing. Oh, okay. Yep, yep, yep. So, for example, it's all completely randomised

and they'll just do a – like they'll turn around, do a little like a flutter or something and then food will drop out. Yeah, okay. Okay. So they'll have to do a flutter and then food will come out. So it's just doing everything. So I think they're probably more superst's what gets me food. So I have to do a flutter and then food will come out. So I keep doing it. So I think they're probably more superstitious than us, doves. Just about as superstitious.

Because we're like, I have my lucky socks. I say my prayers. If I buy this ticket, this lotto ticket, I'll be the one that I win on. If I use my lucky numbers. So there is a sort of idea that all these doves can be as superstitious as we are. So I guess they can experience conflict we are. Maybe I'm wrong. Are we saying that in this universe there are animals because you're right, animals do get depressed. They can be

superstitious. Yeah, I know people that are angry. My cat is on Prozac and you're like, why? It's a cat, mate. What's it depressed about? There's a difference because a dove can be superstitious, right? But it's only superstitious in that it's like, I do this, I get food.

Seek. Yeah. In the world of Dr. Dolittle, a dove might be like... Like, actually have beliefs, you know what I mean? An animal can be mad, but I don't think you can get a frustrated dog in the same way. Like, going back to the goldfish because the goldfish would just know it's pond or it's bowl or whatever and you are a sense you it's god because you feed it it's the only thing it uses it sees it is so far beyond that gold yeah they're like yeah you

are god so you start talking to it it's like oh my god my god's talking to me and so would the fish worship you could you abuse well i don't even know if the fish how could I benefit from this? because the fish is I don't know if you'd be necessarily a god because you're just what provides the food it'd be kind of like if you started getting letters from like

an abattoir oh they're your god is that what you're saying? oh like I don't know they're the ones that provide you with food like if an abattoir was like hey how you doing? I can you're saying? I don't know, they're the ones that provide you with food. If an abattoir was like, hey, how you doing? I can talk to you.

I don't know. God seems like a bit of a lot, but maybe, I don't know. Does the goldfish even understand the concept of a god? Because also it's just distortion through water as well as through glass. Looking at you is going to be very, very different. It's just going to be like disembodied voices for the goldfish. So then it would be a god. Yeah, I suppose so.

I just want to be a goldfish god and you're stopping this from happening and I'm getting mad at you. I feel like you wouldn't be a goldfish god, but you would be something unknown and terrifying to the goldfish. Yeah. Because the goldfish doesn't see you give it food. The goldfish is just like... Yeah, it does.

Because goldfish do actually recognise faces or can eventually recognise sort of faces of being like, oh, that's the one that gives me food. And whenever you walk past it, they're like, oh, yeah, food time? You're like, yeah, it's food time. Like, yeah, great. Goldfish.

So, yeah, they do sort of would associate you with food. Yeah, I suppose. And cleaning their tank and stuff I don't think they care about that Maybe in the Dr. Dolittle world they would Yeah, maybe in the Dr. Dolittle universe it's like here comes God with my pellets again or flakes or whatever the fuck

Taking all the water away and then filling it up and I don't stink as much Sick But what's disturbing about that? Like if we accept that in the Dr. Dolittle universe animals are having far more complex emotions Can they about that? Like, if we accept that in the Doctor Doodle universe, animals are having far more complex emotions. Can they mourn? Yeah, probably.

Elephants mourn. Yeah. Cows mourn. I mean, like, not actual animals, but, like, in Doctor Doodle world, do they mourn? More intensely. Because, you know, hamsters have, again, short lifespan. You'd have to be explaining to, like, you know,

you buy hamsters at the same age, roughly, like, six months apart You'd have to be explaining to like, you know, you buy hamsters at the same age, roughly like six months apart. One dies and they're like, I'm so sad because he's my buddy, my life partner. Where'd he go? And you're going to be like, well, he's dead and you're going to die in about three months. Yeah. And that's only explaining like the rough shit from our end to them. Imagine having hamsters eat their babies. Yeah.

I was going to say, like, I used to have, like, mice, and one died and then the others ate his leg. So, like, how is that? You're going to be like, you ate his leg, and he's going to be like, yeah, I did. That's what I'd do. And, like, would they be ashamed? Because I feel they would

be ashamed. Why? It's just normal. It's just instinct. But they have a range of emotions is he does he override instincts though when he talks to them like could he stop a lion from attacking him probably he could probably be like well he probably reasoned with the lion which is like i'm gonna kill you like no you know like what do you what what did you just say to me i think you'd start a lion yeah and you'd throw it. Enough to get a cricket bat. Yeah. It kind of seems like the animals in the Doctor Doodle universe don't have animal instincts.

The bear certainly doesn't. Get it together, bear. Come on, bear. Can you only talk to domesticated animals? No, because he talks to bears. But the bear was a circus bear. Oh, okay. Like a domesticated bear?

He talks to a monkey. I think it's anybody. I think it's anything. Yeah, I think it's any animal. Which, again, brings up, like, at the very start, we were like, how deep does it go? Is he talking to, like, protozoa? Like, is he talking to...

Algae? Algae, the bacteria in his skin? Is he constantly hearing... He, like, puts his hand to his thing and they're like, we're bacteria! Because if you hear all the bacteria in his ear, it's talking so fucking loudly. It'd just be like...

But clear. But yeah, not like a hum, like words. Or is he only speaking complex emotions to animals, again, because I'm going back to domesticated ones, because they are domesticated, they understand human emotions because they've experienced that. So if he went to a wild animal, would just be like hey yeah just like a caveman in a cartoon

like because like what a living hell that would be these like wild animals grunting at me but no but the chameleon like the chameleon doesn't have an understanding of human emotions, even if he's been around... Is the chameleon from, like, a... I guess it's an exotic animal. He just has a chameleon. Or he knows a chameleon. I don't know. He's just buddies with a chameleon.

He's just got a chameleon pal. Exactly. What else, man? It's fine. Well, if it's domesticated animals, then, yeah, that's almost worse. Yeah. They'd have more problems.

Or he's getting the sad animals. problems or he's getting the sad animals yeah he's getting the sad animals not so much I mean look at a dog, a dog's fucking happy no matter what a dog's happy being a dog dogs love being dogs a cat would be arrogant as shit oh no because

then you'd be explaining to the cat like no no no you're my pet and the cat would be like, don't think so. Yeah, cats don't. So what did you just say to me? Because I think I own you. But, like, cat would be Madonna. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You'd just be like, I don't even want to deal with cats right now. Yeah. And birds would be sad. Well, parrots would be the most depressing thing in the world. Like, I hate, it's like a weird pet peeve of mine that I don't like people who own birds as pets. Oh, because I used to own budgies.

Yeah, I think it's like, you piece of shit, I'll kill you. No, I'm just like, you're stopping birds doing what birds do? What if it's a bird that could, like, go and do stuff? Oh, that's cool. Okay, just no case. Like, if you're a falconer, you've got, like, a falcon on your arm, sick. Sweet. But, like, I don't know.

Because I remember having, like, budgies and, like, people, like, I didn't, but they did clip their wings and stuff to stop them flying around and flying off. So that would be... You'd be awful. You'd be like, hey, and he'd be like, hi, I'm never going to fly again. I'm like, hi, I can't fly.

They did something to my wings. I can't fly. I crawl around now. I crawl around on the ground like a cripple. I use my beak to get everywhere. Can you imagine using your mouth to get everywhere, Eddie Murphy? It sucks. I know this is a mirror.

I'm not fucking dumb. I know it's a mirror. Sometimes I get confused. Sometimes I'm a little... Is someone watching me? I don't know. Sometimes I put a seed bell in here and it's literally the best part of my day. Sometimes I get to eat and I am ecstatic. Please kill me. Do clippings grow back, though?

No. Don't they? Yeah, do they? I thought it was like a chance. If you cut the wings off a bird. Yeah. If you cut off the joints, you probably fucked a bird. Yeah.

Nah, it's, yeah, they grow back. So you've got to kind of keep clipping them. Imagine Eddie Murphy's kids are like, Dad, let's go to the zoo. He'd be like, no, no. They'd be like, why do you never want to go to the zoo, Dad? Because it's hell. Because it's just animals screaming like,

let me out, let me out! I didn't do anything! I'm innocent! Like, imagine you go, not even that one, the animals that are born in the zoo that would know nothing else. Oh, God.

Maybe like homeschool kids, just all weird and all. All weird. Like, I don't know what's wrong about you, but something's weird. I don't like it. I don't like it. And they would hear stories of like, you know, say like get a pair of cheetahs. Like one has been like, you know, was born in the zoo.

One was like captured from the savannah. Like the homeschool cheetah would know about this thing and just either think the guy's lying or it's like, how did he get out there? Yeah. It's amazing. And then we've got a Truman Show kind of situation. It'd be like Madagascar.

Yeah, but like Madagascar. Like a depressing Madagascar. Madagascar. Yeah. Yeah, that is a sad movie. I was thinking more like a Truman Show where the guy tells him all about outside and he's like, what? And then eventually it will escape because

you're rooting for him to escape. But then we've got a loose cheater on the ground and that can't be good. And then he gets taken out. But it's kind of like he goes in and Dr. Doolittle like, would you feel, if you were at the zoo and you saw two cheaters discussing the Savannah and one of them was like, I've never been there, that's super sad. Would you want to weigh in as Dr. Doolittle?

Would you want to be like, hey guys? And they're like, oh my god! That weird cheater thing, and they look up and they'm like, I've never been there, that's super sad. Would you want to weigh in as Dr. Doolittle? Do you want to be like, hey guys, and they're like, oh my god! That weird cheetah thing, and they look up and they're like, what? Yeah. What the fuck is going on? And they're like, yeah, yeah, the savannah's not that great. What do you mean it's not that great? You could hunt the gazelle! And the gazelle's like, in the next pen's like,

yeah, I don't want to go there! Gross. It sounds shit! Looks at the cheetah, it's shit! Don't go there! sounds shit looks the cheetah it's shit don't go there I imagine the snake you know the cold ass reptile room

is just snakes crying because they're just like I this is my life my life is like less than a meter by a meter squared yeah

Harry Potter came in once yeah it was pretty good he freed one of us but he got caught so and it was only one of us. It was a big one.

I mean, he could have freed like 10 of us little ones. We would have done good. Like Dr. Doolittle would jump off a bridge. He would. Do you think it would be better being like Ace Ventura, where you're very intuitive? Yeah. You don't hear animals screaming.

No, because you can't exactly hear what they're saying, and the animals just like you, and so you don't really know if they're having a bad time or not. What's interesting... Ignorance is bliss. It kind of is, though. is though you're like i got a lot of birds in my house like if you're dr doodle the birds are like it's so crowded all the smells are wrong but ace ventura is like yeah all right penguin in the fridge but it's weird because um the ace ventura as evidenced by ace ventura pet Pet Detective Junior, the three-quel.

I haven't seen it. Oh, what a film. Straight-to-DVD, Eddie Murphy. Who's the mother? The mother is just some random woman. Courtney Cox? Nope. No, it's not.

Not in the third one because I was straight-to-DVD and made super cheap. Oh, she's in it, the mother. Yeah, she is, but it's a different actress. Also in it, for some reason, they're just like Jim Carrey's character, the original Ace Ventura, died in a plane crash. What? I don't know.

They're just like, that's what happened. Sorry. Sorry, kid. And he's like, rats. And they keep talking about how amazing Jim Carrey's character was, even though he's not in the film. And you're like, stop bringing it up. You're making your film look worse.

But his kid in that is a panda gets stolen or something ridiculous, and his mom's like, all right, I think it's time you met your grandpa, who's Ace Ventura's senior, who can also, he's super intuitive with animals. He's got the hair? He's got the hair and, like, a Hawaiian shirt. And then he takes... Is the Hawaiian shirt genetic? Well, he takes the kid up to...

Who's the actor? Of the kid or the old man? The old man. Oh, it's somebody. Like, it's actually somebody semi-famous okay might have been in like the naked gone maybe it's not not leslie nelson not not leslie nelson but it kind of looks like him um and the kid is oh amazing he's only been in this and an episode of like lauren out of svu but he does a spot on jim carrey impression because

ace ventura senior takes Ace Ventura Jr. up into the attic where there is a chest of drawers, like a chest that has his own Hawaiian shirt and shorts in it. And then he puts them on. And he also keeps getting the hair. He smooths it down and he gets the Ace Ventura hair. It's like genetic.

It's like Santa Claus. Yeah, it is, but with Ace Ventura. So it's a curse being Ace Ventura. Yeah, I guess so. A genetic curse. A genetic curse, which the doctor do a little curse, or genetic it seems like a worse version of. Yeah, so did like Ace Ventura's dad piss off a gypsy?

I guess so. Or was it like so here, fan fiction scenario. Ace Ventura's senior's dad, so Ace Ventura's great-great-grandpa, right, has sex with, like, Mother Gaia, or, like, some

nature spirit. A woodland nymph. Yeah, and they give birth to two kids, and then down the bloodline, but, like, one marries off into one family, one marries off into the other family, and the curse splits into two,

into the Doctor Doolittle strain of the curse and the Ace Ventura strain of the curse, because together, they'd be perfect, right? Because you'd be able to talk to animals, but you'd also be super in tune with them. Yeah, because he doesn't seem in tune, does he? No, it's all quite a shock to Eddie Murphy. They're like, hey, our life is hell, and he's like, oh

my god. Is he a vet before this happens? I think so, which would be awful. Because, like, the animal comes in, he's like, I'm dying. And he's like, oh, rock with me. I'm an animal, I have no frame of reference for illness. I just know my body's falling apart, and I don't know why. It would be kind of good to be, I think it'd be kind of good to be able

to say, okay, what's wrong with you? You're sick? He's like, I'm sick? I'm like, oh, no. Or it or it's like okay so you've got a shit hip it's like uh-huh but your owners don't want to pay the money for a placement uh-huh so we're gonna have to put you down what's that mean you're gonna you're gonna have you're gonna go to sleep for a long time. Sorry, mate. Oh, that sounds amazing. I'm going to get so well-rested. You sure are. Lethal injection. That's what you call a Winston execution, and I think that's what you call a Winston animal. Euthanized?

Euthanized. Euthanized the prisoners. But then, so Eddie Murphy's daughter gets it. Yeah. When, presumably, Eddie Murphy kills himself. Yeah, when Eddie Murphy kills himself, Ace Ventura dies in a plane crash. Yeah, so their children inherit the animal ability there.

I don't know what Eddie Murphy's daughter uses it for. I think she's at medical school for vets, veterinary school. Medical vet school. Medical vet school. So you're saying they should breed back in with the Ace Ventura. Yeah. But that's him breeding, isn't it? Yeah. Well, yeah, they should breed back in with the age of two? Yeah. But that's inbreeding, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, yeah, but it's a while down the track. It's probably good, Nick. Cousins is okay. And they're at least like twice removed or something. Yeah, second cousins is legal. Yeah. I think so. So they could give birth to this uber like...

I hope so. I might could give birth to this uber, like... I hope so. I might be in a lot of trouble. So they would give birth to this perfect animal man, effectively. So, like, from day one, loves it. Loves animals, completely gets where they're coming from, can communicate with them on a perfect level. But is the only reason that Dr. Doodle's life living hell is because he can hear plights of animals,

but his powers to do anything? Because if so, that's really on Dr. Doodle. Yeah living hell is because he can hear plights of animals, but his powers to do anything. Because if so, that's really on Dr. Doodle. Yeah. That's on him. That's true. Just because, like, you know, you're seeing it, buddy. You can make a change. You can be the change.

But he doesn't. No. Piece of shit. He just fixes a walrus and that's it. And then helps a bear get laid. And paints his cornrows. Yeah. Exactly.

Like, he's got this gift, but he doesn't really utilize it at all. At least Ace Ventura is out there saving animals. He's going to Africa. Yeah, he's going all out. Like, Doc Dool is kind of making it okay for his monkey sphere. Yeah. You know, the monkey sphere thing. Whatever in your immediate facility.

So basically he's making sure that everything that he knows and is aware and is sort of socially connected to is having a good time. He makes sure that chameleon has a good time. I'm hoping he puts that monkey in rehab. Makes sure that bear gets laid, all that kind of stuff. And he just cares a lot about his immediate vicinity. So he lies in bed at night listening to the crickets crap on about something. Where are you?

Why are you late? I'm over here. Oh, my God. Where is that? Both of us are crickets. Notify him there first. I'm an owl. I'm an owl.

Where are you? Oh, my God. I'm an owl. I'm an owl. I can hear you, cricketsickets we know you're screaming it listening to the nighttime animals crap on he's just trying his hardest not to think about all of the animals in the world having a shit time he you're right he'd have to just be like yeah everybody i know is good and that's all i can do it's kind of like us yeah where it's like

we live a pretty good life i don't want to know about the starving children in africa that's yeah my problem did you did you adopt a bono i did good just wanted to be clear um but yeah it's it's it's true he's like everything is good but the thing is right like we don't have any special ability that makes it easier for us to help out starving children in africa or understand them actually no we can't them. Actually, no, we can't. Different languages. Some of them we can. Some of them we can. I mean, look, we can look at a starving African child.

You can see that they are clearly hungry. I guess, hmm. No, but, like, look, we can do stuff. Why can't I disassociate myself from that? Odd. Anyway. But Dr. Doolittle is especially equipped. Anyway.

But Dr. Dolittle is especially equipped. That's like if I could make tasty-ass beef coming out of my wrists. Then I'd be like, I should probably go and help some starving people, because this is no effort for me. Same with Dr. Dolittle. It's not hard for him to go to an abattoir and be like, hey, the cows don't like this. Well, then they're going to be like, so what?

It would be hard. No, but he'd be like, hey, I'm Dr. Dolittle. We did the scientific test. I'm the one who can chat to animals. Yeah, and they're going to be like, so what? It would be hard. No, but he'd be like, hey, I'm Dr. Doolittle. We did the scientific test. I'm the one who can chat to animals. Yeah. And they're not into it. They'd be like, so what? I feel like he could sleep at night if he thought more big picture. You know what I mean?

Like if he's like, I'm literally doing everything I can. Yeah. But would the weight of the world get down on him? Because it'd be like, yeah, granted, scientifically proven that you can listen to the cows and be sad. But like, I'm sorry, but we have a meat industry. There's nothing we can really do. I like, I'm sorry, but we have a meat industry. Like, we need to... There's nothing we can really do.

There's nothing we can do. I mean, I'm sorry that you can... Probably should have gone to, like, the guy who owns this business, not just a random abattoir. Not just that. I mean, like, what kind of change are you going to try and do? Like, we can't eat meat, right? And, like, meat eating is murder.

Would you stop if a guy was like, I can definitively talk to animals? Like, would you? You can prove it? Where? Exactly. Would you? I think guy was like, I can definitively talk to animals? Like, would you? You can prove it? Where? Exactly, would you? I think I'd feel bad. If I knew him, if he was in my monkey sphere. But if he was in my monkey sphere, maybe.

Like if Dr. Doodle came to us three specifically and he was like, enough. I know you had Subway for lunch. That was basically people. Well, I'd be like, all right, maybe give me a tour. Maybe you'd be like, all right, I want to chat to a cow. I want to chat to a chicken. I want to chat to a roob. I want to chat to an emu and see, like, you know,

maybe if one of them's a bit of a cunt. I'd be like, all right. I don't feel bad about eating chickens. Can I now, from now on, Dr. Doolittle, can you find me suicidal animals? Yeah. Or just arsehole animals. No, but, like, whatever.

They can live their life. But if he wants to end his life, I'll happily clean up afterwards. So he's essentially going to be the judge in this, so he'll meet an animal and be like, nah, this one's no good. This one's so good. Chuck him in the abattoir. This chicken's got way too much sass.

Sassy chicken being like, mm-hmm. Someone come in here, talk to me. Cook him up. But then what if Doug Dizzle's then putting his own sort of spin on things? Like this chicken's like giving him shit. He's like, this chicken's clearly depressed and hates to live. So just, yeah, just chuck him into the abattoir. Well, he's one man.

That's the fucked up thing about Dr. Doodle. He's one man with one man's opinions. He's not like instantly, you know what you do? You know what you fucking do? What? You get Dr. Doodle and you synthesize his blood to make some kind of medicine that gives us the ability.

Clearly it's genetic because it happens to his daughter. And unless it's a gypsy curse, which it might be. Yeah, it could be a gypsy curse. We don't know, do we? It's worth looking into. Worth checking out. I'd take his blood. Take his blood, inject it, and we can all chat to animals.

Would it be like immunisation where it's like you should, but like it's optional but don't be a dickhead. You know everybody who could, who did it and can now chat to animals would be like, really, it's worth it. Like, I'm not eating meat now. Look how healthy I am.

Look how healthy I am and also I'm friends with all the cows. This pelican carries my shopping. And he loves it. It's great for him. So now we're in a world where we can now communicate with animals to the best level of communication, right? Well, let's get some of Ventura's blood too then, so that we're on the...

So we've got some Doodle blood, we've got some Ventura blood, we've now synthesized a... We need a net gun. Immunization some Ventura blood. We've now synthesized a... We need a net gun. Immunization. Ventura would be hard to get. He's a wily, slippery man. So we've become inoculated, immune to whatever. So we can now speak and intuitively know what animals want.

That'd be a great world to live in. That's basically going back to super prehistory when we were super ape-like ourselves. But not just super ape-like but super ape-like in synergy with the with like animal kingdom which means that we like have animal buddies and yeah basically it'd be the flinsteins yeah and we'd probably not be eating meat we would because if if these animals are having complex emotions and complex faith and all that kind of stuff we'd end up probably burying them complex emotions and complex faith and all that kind of stuff, we'd end up probably burying them as well

and having religion and would have to have an argument about would they have souls? But we're a predator. But we're a predator. Guys, we're a predator. So the moment we get in tune with nature again, we're like, sick, let's all go out and hunt

and we're just back here again. We're not going to instantly become animal-loving hippies because we go back to nature. Nature, for us, is eating other animals. So you're saying it's like, this is great because it's now made it easier to hunt? It's made it more socially acceptable because you're like, hey, a gazelle,

it's my job to eat you. And the gazelle's like, yeah, I know. It's my job to be it. That's the circle of life. I saw The Lion King. It was a good film. I understood it. So then I just we just eat the gazelle but like on the gazelle's own terms i was like you're a piece of shit but i understand i get it i understand sorry because i feel like

animals wouldn't have a problem with us eating them because that's nature they just have a problem with us farming them there's nobody saying hey well some people are saying don't eat meat but you know whatever that's what we do that's what our teeth are made for yeah so like the moment we're like going back to basic instinct it's like well we can i gotta eat a gazelle but but if we can understand them though would we then would we use that to be like nah this is the best we're eating i think we'd all just develop yeah because that's right exactly like you don't kill other people because you understand them Stop it I'm sorry

Is it still connected? The red light's still on I'm still coming through Unless you're a sociopath You can empathise with other people Someone who has a personality So you're like, I'm not going to push that guy in front of the train Or eat them

But if we got that Maybe maybe no Ace Ventura then. Because if we get that Ace Ventura blood, like he's a vegetarian. Yeah. He eats meat, though he eats a zebra when he's pretending to be a lion that one time. I just feel like I don't want to go back to my basic predator instincts, which we've spent the last 2,000 odd years dampening down. I think you would evolve to the next step. No, but the lion, no, the bear in Ace Ventura, in Doctor Who 2,000-odd years dampening down. I think he would evolve to the next step. No, but the lion, no, the bear in Dr. Dolittle 2,

he's still, like, super into eating salmon and shit. And they got voices that he can hear. Oh. And all the animals can talk to each other, so presumably, like, a cat is already talking to a mouse in the Dr. Dolittle world, but the mouse is like, this is nature. Cool.

No, I don't think the mouse is that happy. I think the mouse is like, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Yeah, yeah. Why isn't there like a perfectly like round hole in the wall? That would be the best. I need more cheese. I don't... I think it would be a complicated

Brave New World of... Because you'd either have... you'd probably end up having a couple of factions. One being like, these are our animal brethren. You'd have like, yeah, the hippies. Yeah. And then the, nah, we've been given this gift from the doodle curse to help us hunt and step away from farming, but we're better now in tune to hunt.

And be hunted. And be hunted. And be hunted. Like, if I saw a lion, and the lion's like, hey, I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm your predator. And I'd be like, holy shit, you are. Fuck.

If I've got a gun, he's like, you've got a gun? I'm like, yep. He's like, shit. It's funny, because that's, like, basically the mental conversation you'd have with a lion anyway. Yeah. The lion would be like, oh, and you'd be like, ah! Which is basically saying,

I'm your predator, and I'll say, ah! So you're acknowledging that, yeah. Yeah, but I guess you're just saying it now. Well, Dr. Doodle's life is a fresh hell. Yes. I mean, that's our original question. Is it hell? Yes. I think for several different reasons.

Yeah. I think he could sleep at night if it is just like, you know, because again, he does help out his immediate monkey sphere. And if it's all about that, then he's fine. But I think the moment he starts and stops and thinks about his place in the world and what he should be doing with this gift slash curse, then I think that would be very depressing. That would definitely alleviate it, though, if you gave more people that.

That's true. Yeah, because then it's not all you've spread in the load. Yeah. Because that would be great. Bono must feel the pressure you know yeah exactly either or bozo the clown or bonobo yes bonobo the bonobo um which you would inevitably be able to talk to yeah um so i think the moment he starts thinking about his place in the world and the fact that no one else can talk to animals

and that he's got to do all this stuff and if he doesn't then you're jumping off a bridge and now his daughter's got to deal with it. Yeah. Depressing.

And on that note I guess I've been Jackson. I've been James. And I've been Joel. I think I'd choose the Ace Ventura curse instead because he doesn't know.

He just thinks he's having a good time. You have to he's having a good time I think that's part of it and have the big old quiff hair maybe I just won't offend a gypsy he seems like he's having a good time though he's a drunk I know you don't see it but he's a drunk he's such a drunk so did he help out a gypsy?

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