Plumbing the Death Star - Is Humanity Doomed in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds?

Episode Date: September 26, 2021

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here or join our Discord here.You can physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us? Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm also Joel. And I'm Jackson. And today we're asking important questions like, Is humanity doomed in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds? so alfred hitchcock visionary you know what great he had this great idea what if there were too many birds what no no no what if there were too many aggressive birds?

You're right. What if there was the same amount of birds as there always was, but they wanted us dead? Yeah. It's so great because you can just imagine Alfred Hitchcock, he's sitting, he's eating a big hoagie on a stool in Central Park. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I was imagining him on like a yacht looking out the beach seeing a bunch of gulls But no no no On a stool In the middle of Central Park Did he come with a stool? Are there stools in Central Park? These are questions I want to know

He brought the stool from home He took it on the 9th street bus Down to Central Park And he's sitting there eating his hoagie And he looks over at some pigeons And he's like what if those fuckers wanted to fucking kill me? I gotta get home and write the greatest movie

ever made. He's like, it's 1962 or 63. The movie comes out in 63 so let's say it's 1962. I made showers scary. People piss and shit themselves when they go into a shower now. That's on me. I've ruined showers for everyone.

Nobody can take a shower without making themselves filthy because they piss and shit every time they get in a shower. Someone says, and then there's pissing and shitting all over the shop. It's a fucking nightmare. It's disgusting. He thinks to himself as he fucking slurps down that hoagie. That's right, slurps.

It's a wet hoagie. Yeah, it's a liquid hoagie yeah it's a liquid hoagie dude i made showers a disgusting filthy place yeah now how do i make society more scared not just of their own little showers but of the great outdoors of beards dirty and then jackson what does he ask himself what birds? What if there was the same amount of birds, but they wanted to fucking kill you? Maybe the bird was going for his hoagie, and he was like, what if instead of my hoagie, it was going for my heart? I'm going to get it to the fucking typewriter right fucking now.

Anyway. Yes. And so we get the Alfred Hitchcock classic, The Birds, The Boids, in which all of the world's birds decide that's that enough they're done with us humanity and they come for us and they try and kill us all and yet for reasons beyond our comprehension they stop they they stop yeah whatever didn't work out for the birds i guess who knows who can even comprehend the mind of a simple but yet cunning bird? Not me.

And so my question to you boys is, would we survive? Can humanity survive the same amount of birds but they're violent? Well, yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know, because it's a good question. Because I'm looking at the Wikipedia of the movie, and I'm just looking at all the different references to what the birds do.

And so at a wharf, Malini gets attacked by a gull. And that was terrifying and scary. I had seen a lot of gulls, you know, swarm me for my chippies, and that's fine. If they start pecking me, I get into my car, and then I'm fine, I feel. Then they pop the tires, moron, and they get in the engine

and sacrifice themselves on the engine, start a small fire, kaboom, you're dead. You're a fucking idiot, Joel Zammett. Do you not remember the famous scene from The Birds birds where the birds where the main character whose name is Melanie wait did one of you

just say it or did I just remember it it's not your own brilliant brain I'm sorry thought I remembered the fucking birds unlike Zammett though I remembered that Melanie's in the phone box and the birds are like fuck this glass we're just gonna fucking fly into it cars are the same thing

they're coming for you I agree, because it's not just that they hate humanity they have a suicidal hatred for humanity oh yeah, it's not, and I think this is important in many ways to remember it's not that individual birds want us dead, it's birds

as a whole I'm reading further, they're apparently at a farm hens, there's some hens that suddenly Not that individual birds want us dead. It's birds as a whole. Because I'm reading further, they're apparently at a farm. Hens, there's some hens that suddenly refuse to eat. Chickens would be scary. So chickens have gone on a hunger strike. They don't want us dead, they're just protesting. And yeah, they hear a violent thud, which is basically a dead gull is found in the threshold.

So again, they want to kill us and they don't care if they die. Exactly. It's so easy to imagine a pigeon crawling in the exhaust of your car, banana in the tailpipe style. Well, not just one pigeon, several pigeons. In fact, a whole flock trying to just gum up the works. Your car will fall apart. And kind of like when you pour silver down an anthill or a guy's throat,

you'll just have the inside of the car made out of pigeon gums. And you'll be done for. I think, weirdly, if it's gulls and pigeons, I'm not as terrified as I am by, say, like sparrows. Because they could definitely gum up the works as opposed as opposed to yeah yeah i don't know i think i think the birds like i think alfred hitchcock's the birds really highlighted that gulls as a whole because when you look at a gull when you look at a seagull's fucking head you can tell that it's got either no thoughts or violent thoughts that's it i feel like look

seriously i like encourage every single person listening look at a picture or yeah yeah look at a seagull and try looking at little fucking beady eyes what's it thinking of violence or nothing that's it chips chips chips chips chips chips chips chips kill kill kill kill that's it that's the brainwave of a seagull and also here's the thing I always think okay because in Australia around springtime that's when the magpies come out

magpies swoop you from behind a lot of the time at the back of your head under that little protrusion where your head The king hit of birds Yeah, and at the back of your head, under that little protrusion You know, where your head connects to your neck There's like a little hole There's like a little soft spot there There's like a little soft spot there

And I'm always like, what if a magpie got its beak in there? Would I die or become brain dead? What would happen? What would, could it do that? Should I be worried? I think that the what's stopping a magpie from probably killing us like that is that they tend to be going for like uh a graze they tend to do like a swoop attack so it tends to kind of be like a a kind of a graze kind of like a fuck off don't eat my babies that's all we're for. So it's very much a protective stance because we are much bigger than a magpie,

and the magpie is just like, don't touch my babies. They're not food. They're my babies. That's true. As delicious as they must be, it always stops me from wanting to eat the magpie babies, and I get it. So I'm like, okay, that's fine. But if this magpie wants to kill me,

and to a point where it doesn't give a shit about its own life, I don't know what I can do to stop that. If it just went directly down into your skull, would it hit you like an arrow and then just be protruding out the top? That's scary. like the flight speed of say um a magpie but i know they're like there are other birds like the peregrine falcon which is the fastest uh uh uh bird if if adamorphs is for me to believe like that that that will just like rip out my eyes you know just like one straight missile into my face what's that where's zamit oh he's got a face caved in by a bird his face is now a bird's behind yeah sticking out the front With the two little legs where his eyes would be Magpies can fly at 32km an hour

Oh no Now if I was hit in the face by something Going 32 miles Sorry, miles or kilometers 32km an hour, what happens? I don't think you'd come out of that well I mean, the beak I mean, imagine driving a car

at 30k's which is like I think 8km an hour is what they usually consider walking speed so imagine sprinting into a knife yeah that's sort of what we're talking about if you just stick a knife to a wall

and then running full into a knife and then wall And then running full Into a knife And then at the last moment turning around So that the knife hits you in the back of the head A little soft spot And then people are like did the house kill him What happened here He was practicing to see what a magpie

Would do I just quickly googled and people talking about I say being hit by something small at 30 k's per hour they're just like what happens if you get by a car at 30 k's per hour so the estimation about 40 percent of people who get hit by a motor vehicle going 30 miles per miles per hour will die from their miles that's miles per kilometers because mile that's like that's close to like that's like 55 all right what is what, that's like 55. Yeah. What is, what is, uh, uh, uh, 30. So 20 miles.

You want to, you want to, it's, yeah. Magpies fly at 20 miles an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is helpful for our international listeners. Oh, shit. Yeah. Um, gulls can get up to 28 miles per hour, which is, uh, 28 miles per hour to column of his power. Okay.

Oh, that's 45 Ks an hour. That's faster than a school's own car. That's bad because we have those rules in place for a reason. Yeah. Look, at 20 miles per hour, there's a 95% chance you're going to survive being hit by a car. That's a car going at 20 miles per hour, there's a 95% chance you're going to survive being hit by a car. That's a car going at 20 miles per hour, but that's quite a lot of large space. I reckon if I got hit with a car at 20 miles an hour, I'd go like this.

Oof, my guts. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'd be scared. I should have looked both ways before crossing this fucking road. Instead of closing my eyes and just winging it. I was going to say, if someone throws a ball at 20 miles per hour, what does that look like? I don't know.

Well, in cricket, they bowl a ball at 100 kilometers an hour. Oh, yeah. So it's kind of like being pegged by a tennis ball not going terribly fast. Yeah. Except if the tennis ball was... Had a bit of an edge. Had a knife. Had a knife on it. That's really the... The bird is not headbutting you.

How sharp is our bird's beak? Because it could be going as slow as... It could be going at a snail's pace, but if you're not moving out of the way, you're getting stabbed. Well yeah well again looking at do magpies have sharp beaks their sharp beak can inflict a nasty break in the skin um and in worst case scenario they have been known to damage an eye okay so soft spots okay okay yeah it doesn't really matter how like how sharp or fast they're going but if they just aim for our soft bits, like our eyes,

they would do a lot of damage. Exactly, but also, here's the trick of Alfred Hitchcock's The Boyds. The Boyds, is that, I have a list here of the kill count. Thank you to the kill count wiki, killcountstufffandom.com. It's got to be either really high or really low isn't it okay so 10 people die and now i think it's important to know that four of those are birds listed on the kill count let me go through them okay number one is a seagull that dies when its head smashes against the window who's the killer the killer is itself and the notes are possible suicide found dead the next one is

daniel dan fawcett who has his eyes pecked out and he's stabbed in the chest with beaks his killer is four seagulls okay so seagulls do this okay now three to six yeah no please continue because i have this in front of me too i have some questions three to six it's four seagulls they die next snapped kill up themselves so they killed dan four seagulls kill seagulls kill a man and then kill themselves i guess so um presumably

surely surely there was more than four seagulls involved in the murder of daniel dan fawcett and then they just left four of them died during the murder but if not then like it only takes four gulls to kill a man and then they just left. But four of them died during the murder. But if not, then it only takes four gulls to kill a man. That's scary. That's not a lot of gulls.

I mean, it takes out four gulls as well, apparently. They snap out their necks on our chest. So for every one human being that dies, four seagulls die as well. The next person is just an unknown man stabbed in the head with a beak then another scary yeah yeah that's the yeah for sure next is a man who is lit on fire slash blown up in gas explosion that doesn't sound like a bird's problem no the birds do distract him

though and then he causes him to like flail around wildly spraying gasoline on himself and maybe he lights a cigarette i forget how so the birds are also not only are they killing us through brute force they're also using sort of tactics here yeah also oh yeah i was um wrong i assumed that the lid on fire blown up in the gas explosion the killer would be like accident or something but no it's listed as seagull yeah the birds do it they can think i honestly if i was in the birds position i would just like mostly go after aircraft gum up the works um in the air it would tell you know would kill a lot of ibises or whatever but yeah yeah no for sure we get a lot of dirty humans out

and the birds are clever because they are trying to like you know they don't they'll they'll die for the cause they don't mind mind if a couple of them go, if it means that a lot of humans are taken out. And yeah, they are using techniques like waiting. Like, I don't know, if I was chopping up a lime, they would clock, I've got a knife. This is the perfect time to get under his feet or whatever. And then I slip over and stab myself in the forehead.

One man dead by six seagulls or whatever. And then they snap their own necks out of shame or whatever. Number nine is an emergency worker who is lit on fire, packed and clawed repeatedly, flung into air by haywire fire hose. The killer is considered here a flock of seagulls. I don't like how these birds are killing a lot of people with fire. That's scary. And the last one is Annie Hayworth, who is mauled by a flock of crows.

So only one, two, three, four people die in birds. Human beings. A lot of birds do die. But only four human beings die. It is a small town, though, so. Exactly. And they have one thing. Sorry, we in Australia have one thing That they don't have in America

The emu which I keep thinking about And the castle wary We have something worse than the emu dude Yeah We've got like a Nature's fuck the castle wary But thank god I guess most of them are in zoos So just don't go to the Healesville Sanctuary

And you'll be alright Yeah We also have eagles. They're big. Yeah, that's true. They could pick up a toddler, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, but could they pick up... I guess this is the next question. The birds are coming for you. Can you

fight back? Can you punch a bird? Can a flock of... I know, say for example, say a lone bird probably couldn't pick me up, but could a flock? Yeah, can we get an up situation where, like, several eagles come down and grab you and lift you into the sky and drop you? And then drop me onto a rock to eat my delicious brain or whatever. We have the greatest diversity of avian life in australia and at last count they

counted 4.6 more than 4.6 million birds in seven days well yeah i see i googled how many birds are there because i was also interested in finding out apparently there are 430 billion birds on Earth. Well, that's okay. How many people are on Earth? Surely it's comparable, right? How many people are on Earth? Yeah, surely... Okay, what did you say? 400...

400... Sorry, hang on. 430 billion birds. Between 50 and 430, yeah. In 2019 2019 there was 7.6 billion people so 400

billion how many birds to people do we have here 6 billion every one person has how many birds um so there's 57 birds Every one person has how many birds? So there's 57 birds to every person.

So even if they're four neck and themselves for every one person, that's still not enough. The bird map still is demonstrably in their favour. Yeah, so looking at just Googling, just say world dangerous, most dangerous bird or birds. Just the top three, we've got two of them, so that's good. So we've got the cassowary and emu are in the top three. One in three.

Ostrich in the middle, don't have. I quite like it with the cassowary. If I say I'm at the Healesville Sanctuary and I've fallen into the cassowary enclosure, if it kills me, I don't know that's because the birds is happening. I'm just like, well, this is what I would expect. That's just an angry bird, I assume. It's a cassowary.

But it's so easy to imagine getting the shit kicked out of you by a bunch of emus. Like one of them pushes you into another one, or making that horrible doop, doop, done so many podcasts but never comes up but still you gotta try yeah yeah uh apparently there's uh uh uh fewer than 4 600 cassowaries in the wild okay hey but i reckon one cassowary could take on a lot of us. I think one cassowary could kill the plumbing boys easily. I think one cassowary could probably take out this whole company.

Every time we take a company trip to the Healesville Sanctuary, we caught death. Because all it takes is one of us to fall in, to be holding onto the hand of the other one. Do you want to hold hands through the cassowary enclosure? I don't see why not. I wore my slipperiest shoes today. Whoa!

So that's the ground-dwelling birds, which would be terrifying. We also have, like most metropolitan areas, which would be terrifying. Yeah, we also have, like most, I guess, metropolitan areas, a lot of pigeons. Yeah. Now, we're also, like, thinking the direct attack of, say, like, pigeons or birds flying their beaks into our faces and whatnot. But pigeons and other birds, like especially gulls, could happily crap all over our food.

The shit and piss, yeah, angle of this is absolutely untapped here. All they've got to do is get into any food processing plant or anything, shit their dirty bird shit into our food, but also dirty bird shit onto the car windscreen while you're driving and then crash car. I don't know if you remember this, boys. I don't remember this, boys, but one of the first times we went to Sydney, we drove up.

Oh, I remember. And when we finally got to the Sydney CBD area, and we were like, boys, we are hungry. Let's go get some delicious food. And lo and behold, right there, there's this beautiful park quite close to where we're going to get some food. Correct. Oh, my God.

And a little bit of shade under this big tree. Yes. Perfect. So we're going to park there and eat some delicious food. And then we get back, and the back half of the window, so the back half of the windshield, covered. Just absolutely covered in bird shit. Coated. half of the windshield, covered. Just absolutely covered in bird shit from one. Coated.

Just one dirty ibis, one little bin chicken just sitting in the tree, a little spawn of Satan itself, crapped all over our car. And that was just one. Yeah. Imagine it. Yeah, it covered half a screen. Yeah. If the ibis is planned together, they could make your impossible-to-see out of the front windscreen.

And that's stationary as well. Yeah, they could cause lots of road accidents simply by flying across motorways and bombing shits onto the front windshields of cars. I made what I thought was an alarming discovery very briefly because I found... What I read was, do birds know if you're going to die um and it was like yes but it says but then i reread it because i was like whoa no that's not

good but it was actually do birds know if they're going to die and the answer is yes just being like yeah birds know they can't tell birds know when they're about to die just being like yeah birds know they can't tell you because obviously they're birds but they they know anytime you see a pigeon or a sparrow it knows when when you're fucking it knows the exact time and location of your demise tell me tell me chicken tell me your secrets where do you think you encounter in your life the most birds where do you think you encounter in your life the most birds? Where do you think you see the most birds in your life? Parks.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, because I'm thinking, like, my parents have a lot of chickens. And the idea of getting... I feel like farm birds are an untapped danger. They've got that, like, I don't know, like a pigeon dive bombing you. You can get out of the way. You know, you're not, like, on the same playing field. But a human and a chicken, it's kind of, you're on the same level. You're both creatures of Earth.

Yeah, you're both on Earth. Yeah, exactly. And a chicken going fast enough knocking into your legs, knocking you face-first down into the mud, and then the rest of the chickens swarm over the top of you like piranhas. I don't know yeah that's pretty you guys seen like i think they're called like a brahmin chicken oh god is that the big one that looks like a man yeah the brahmin chicken yeah you know jackson you know the chicken that looks like a man i don't know that ah it doesn't look like a man the giant chicken that looks like a man yeah it looks like a man in a chicken suit

yeah yeah that's scary that's scary i think that the advantage you would have over a regular chicken coming at you and this is probably ties into is humanity actually doomed a chicken if it approaches you front on unfortunately for the chickens and i don't condone this, but incredible size and shape to simply just boot. Yeah, that's true. To pick up like a football and kick. It's great to imagine you pick up a chicken, you put it in little chicken handcuffs, the chicken's like, why are you just killing me now? You take it down to the footy oval,

kick yourself a bit. Yes. This is for humanity. Yeah, that is true. Now, yeah, because this is the next question. We've explored the dangers of birds, but the question is, is humanity doomed? And the way to discover that is, can we fight back?

How do we fight back? Fighting back against birds, if we know that the birds are coming for us, would probably adapt faster than depicted in the movie The Birds. Because most people are just, like, shocked and screaming. Where I imagine that if you just give everyone a knife... But are you just imagining we'd, like, what, swing wildly and hope? Nah, stab. A stabbing moment.

A bird is coming at you. You can, quick as the fucking flash, pull out a knife and chop its head off, stab it in the beak as it comes for you. I think a tennis racket would probably be better against a bird. Oh, a tennis racket's also good. Or a cricket bat. Baseball bat?

That's great, sure, but when they are swarming you, and this is the problem, though. Swing quick? Yeah, but, like, they're going to, like, you know, sort of how they would gum up the gears of an aeroplane, they're going to, like, close that distance of your swinging speed. So, sure, you might get the first wave, but, again, it depends how many are going after each individual.

And that's the thing. Like, there's just so many of them. It's the opposite. Yeah. I was just going to to say you've got to remember how suicidal these birds are so imagine you go to your baseball bat right and maybe you point it up at the birds in a like I'm a fucking get you motion and they impale themselves on the baseball bat

turning it into a riffle bat because it's just gum bodies and then it's useless to you now. Yeah. Question. Sure. Do you think and this is a real life example I guess of what would happen if the birds turned on us. Do you think there was a brief moment

where Sully Solberger or whatever his name is, when the birds flew into his plane, he thought that the movie The Birds was happening in real life? I think so. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was probably his first thought first thought yeah yeah yeah when he landed in that river he was like by god it's the birds i think i hope i landed on a fucking swan yeah maybe he saw a swan in the river and that's why he went also i just remembered swans they're terrifying swans are huge and have teeth that's yeah but if it's just one swan and one man

I understand that, but like if it's one but it's one swan, I reckon one swan could happily kill all three of us. If it's three of us versus one swan, we win. If it's three of us versus three swans

we're in trouble. Oh yeah, we're in trouble if it's 3v3. But I think yeah, one swan versus three of us, three swans, we're in trouble. Oh, yeah, we're in trouble if it's 3v3. Okay. But, again, I think, yeah, one swan versus three of us, I reckon we've got it. You up that by even one extra swan, like two swans versus us three. Suicidal swans as well.

Yeah, that's true. I think that we could beat two swans. We have life preservation. They don't at this point. That's what you've got to think about. I think you think we could beat three swans through show, but you look over, you're fighting your swan, you look over at me,

it's got its neck wrapped around my neck and it's dragging me into the pond. Boys! Boys! Oh, my fucking God! It's going to drown me! It learned from the crocodiles about the death roll

bro it's gonna death roll me dude how come it's not choking how come it's not choking yeah and you look over at Zammet and the swan's neck is all the way down Zammet's throat pecking at his stomach it's eating my lunch It's eating my lunch! It's eating my lunch!

Oh! You don't know what to do because you've got to stay and fight this one swan because the moment you turn your back, dude And again, as Jackson has happily pointed out the problem here is, we see three swans we're like, one swan each, boys

Those three swans are going to be like, all right, us three of the biggest one first. Everyone just swarms on you, JD. You're gone. And now me and Jack have three swans to deal with. Oh, no. It is so classic. Us two see three swans and not like, right, let's consolidate our power.

We're just like, yeah, one each. Easy. This makes sense I don't have to do it here another thing we haven't considered in the birds assault of humanity eggs every bird can lay them if one of them hit your head from a great height

you might die especially when they're emu eggs not every bird can lay not every bird can lay eggs and also I think the effort required to expel an egg is probably more than required to do a simple shit. Yeah, that's true. But an egg will hurt more hitting your head than a shit will, right?

Surely. Yeah, I guess. But also, like, I don't know. If someone dropped an egg off a building and it hit you, what damage would it do? It'd be a shock. Because, like, egging someone, it doesn't kill them. Has anyone ever died from being egged? I don't know.

Without an allergy. Has anyone ever been killed with an egg? Oh, here we go. Beautiful. Thank you, TheyDidTheMath. Oh, TheyDidThe. Beautiful. Thank you. They did the math. Oh, they did the math and read it. How fast would a raw chicken egg have to travel in order to kill someone?

Oh, yeah. So, okay. It would have to be between, okay, 572 miles per hour or 1,760 miles per hour would be the speed required to kill a person of an egg. So, I mean, that's pretty fast. I found that a man died halfway through eating a 40-second egg in one sitting. Okay. And I also found out that Peter is trying to tell me

that if I eat three eggs in a week, I will die. He calls them cholesterol bombs. That doesn't seem right. Now, what's the terminal velocity of an egg? Terminal velocity of an egg is about 80 miles an hour, apparently. So surely an egg hitting you in the head at 80 miles an hour, if it doesn't kill you, you're not coming out of it well especially if i'm staring up with my mouth agape and it goes all the way

can you hear that whistling sound hang on let me just let me just open my mouth to the heavens Oh my god Well similar to The like Birds shitting on windscreens If birds were hucking their own eggs At windscreens And all of that kind of stuff Yeah that's gonna be Especially eggs that's hard to like

Wipe away with a windscreen wiper Yeah that's why egging things is so good Yeah And eggs when they dry they gum stuff up yeah that's why egging things is so good yeah yeah and eggs when they dry they gum stuff up so that's machinery fucked you know yeah well also again pigeons whole bodies would definitely come up machines so again i think yeah it's just it depends on how willing the birds are to die and as we can see from the movie the birds they're very very willing to die and as we can see from the movies of Boots, they're very very willing to die and all it would take is for them to gum up a lot of

different machinery. All they need to do is get into anything involving any kind of machine that they can gum up and then cause an explosion which seems to be another good method of killing folk which the birds seem to learn

pretty quickly how to do. They definitely learn that gasoline is flammable. So I feel they might look at any petrol station or whatever that's filling up and try and, you know, imagine that. There's a petrol station filling up, right? A gull comes down, sees someone smoking a cheeky dart, grabs it out of their mouth, flies over, drops it in. Boom. Off we go. Or dives into the petroleum, gets slicked up, flies past the cigarette, catches fire, flies into someone's house.

Awesome. Well, I mean, birds, we know that flocks of birds can ground a plane. Exactly. They've removed air travel as a viable option. Yeah. At least safe air travel, because planes risk of death skyrockets. Absolutely. Which means you...

And, like, because I'm thinking, right, okay, planes out, whatever kind of, like, airship could we use? A hot air balloon? I feel more dangerous. Way more dangerous. What about a tangible? Also more dangerous? Way more dangerous way more dangerous what about a dirigible also more dangerous well do you reckon

birds could knock over a building if they flew into it hard like if there's a tall enough building and at the top they cause you know how like you know how really tall buildings do they can sway they're like designed to withstand earthquakes and stuff I don't know if enough birds could create an earthquake-like simulation.

I just don't think they could. And I don't think enough birds could hit it at once with the right level of force. I think you're just getting a lot of, like, dead birds on the ground. Yeah. At the base of the building. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, do you know we do far too many things? Like we've gone and adapted one of our campaigns for our sister show,

D&D is for Nerds, into a novel. So if you're sick of listening to us and want to instead enjoy your own voice narrating an adventure, just head to SandsPantsRadio.com and grab your copy of The Auticus today. Print run is limited, but it is available as an e-book, or grab them both in a bundle once again that's sanspantsradio.com here's a question so we know these birds are clever enough to put gasoline and fire together will create more dead human beings are these

birds clever enough to say drive a car operate a a gun, create explosives. We don't know. These seem like pretty clever birds. They're putting two and two together. They figure out chimney leads into house. It's just a hop, skip, and a jump, or way to, this is how you operate a tank or a machine gun. Well, again, I'm thinking in terms of a military response,

because they could just fly into an exhaust pipe or the tank turret, just fly into the hole there and blow it all up. Clog it up. I don't know necessarily if they could learn how to fire a gun, as guns were made for men with fingers. Bird don't have fingers. Bird have beak, though.

Can a beak fire a gun? I guess it would be like the chicken would get his legs On the sort of handle of the gun And then it would bend down And with its beak grab the trigger And shoot But then the bird would go flying Yeah

Yeah I guess we could maybe get our foot shot. Fuck. Oh. There goes my toes. The underside of my foot has a hole in it now. Cool. That would not be great.

I don't know if they necessarily learn how to. I don't think they need to. I just think they need to learn how to. What's the heaviest thing that they can pick up and drop? Well, there are birds. I think they're called the golden eagle that has been known to pick up kids and drop them. So it's possible.

So look, okay, so say for example, a golden eagle could pick up your own child, fly up high, then drop your own child on you. Yeah, and theoretically... Oh, kid bombs. Yeah. kid bombs. Yeah. Kid bombs. And I'm sure multiple golden eagles could pick up an adult human being then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can make that logical. And also, again, this is not a great thing to say, but that's a reusable missile. Yeah, oh, absolutely. And it's psychological too. It really is. Yeah.

It's not good to think about. It's super upsetting. And if the birds figure this out, we're done. If birds know to weaponize our babies against us, we do not stand a chance. We are in absolute trouble. We are fucked. Yeah.

What other birds do we have? Because I think we can get some specialized birds in there. The toucan's beak is the most weaponized beak, I think, out there. No. Jackson, there's one bird that you haven't thought about yet, and one bird that I think changes everything. Yeah. And that bird is the pelican.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, dude. A pelican could consume a human head. Could cause some damage, dude. Oh, fuck, dude. A pelican could consume a human head. Could cause some damage, dude. Absolutely. Okay, imagine they are filler pelicans bake up with pure gasoline. Oh, my God.

Why? Light that sucker on fire, and then it just drops it everywhere, and then its flaming death throws spirals into it as it is death it's flaming death throws spirals into a building it's so funny to imagine they're like we light this penguin on fire and this penguin will walk into a building it's penguins wait wait oh yeah pelican this whole time i've been thinking penguin for some reason and when you were like we light it on fire i was like but it's so slow it just wobbled towards the building and then die

paladin you're right you can put grenades in that shit yeah any kind of explosion or again like anything that's kind of like sharp it wants to drop yeah and i think you further birds i don't know whatever fit a full-on human being inside a paladin's beak. Imagine there's a pelican with his full beak, and he's waddling up to your house, and you're like, oh, what's going on? He's gesturing, and you're like, maybe he wants to have a conversation. You open up the door. Pelican wanders in, opens up his mouth.

Further birds fly out! Oh, no! He was a Trojan pelican this whole time ah trojan pelicans imagine well yeah because it does a pelican this might be crazy and i might be misremembering but i think a pelican beak is like coated with like i'm gonna say acid but it's probably not acid to start the digestion process in its beak meaning that if it puts you if it holds your head in there it will probably kill you eventually yeah but we'd thrash a bit yeah yeah well i'm imagining but so does what the bird war has been going on for years at this point you've lost track of me

you two are hardened bird soldiers you're entering like an abandoned bombed out building there's human corpses with little chicken nests in full of baby chicken eggs or whatever in the dank underground basement you see like a bunch of pelicans just sitting there roosting one of them opens its beak a little bit i'm like curled inside like one of those people in alien that's got the eggs in them help me i say kill me i think it's scary the world's not good um yeah i don't know if we can survive this i'm like yeah whoa yeah okay so the throat sack doesn't have anything in it i don't think they mostly just fill it with water and then swallow when they're hungry but you know orangutans have a throat pouch, but only male orangutans.

Yeah. And it gets bigger. They get, they get, they change if they become- They suck in air. The alpha. They get huge. They get huge throat sacks and flanges on either side of their face.

It's sick as hell. Yeah. But yeah, I think- Your dream. To get some big flanges. No, no, no. Your dream would be to follow orangutan. To be like, no. Your dream would be to follow Orangutan. To be like this guy?

Your dream would be to have... He's in charge. He's my alpha. He's my alpha. I hang out. I peel him bananas or whatever. It's pretty cool. I just don't think there's much defense against these birds.

No, I think you're right. Unlike, say, other bigger creatures or maybe where they're more deadly, but there's less of them. If this was kind of like, hey, guess what? All the pumas have risen up, I reckon we'd be fine because then we'd be like, oh, yeah, we can hunt them. At least they're big enough to be like, okay, yeah, they'll get one or two, but I guess we'll at least be able

to take them out. Same thing with, say, anything like, say, for example, oh, no, it's the elephants. They're on a big stampede, and they're done, whatever. They're big enough to be like, I reckon we can take care of them. But birds come in all shapes and sizes. Any kind of weapon that we have,

I don't think is going to do enough damage, especially when they flock. And this might show my misunderstanding of how guns work, but I feel like if I shot a bird, like a little bird, the bullet would carry through the bird, right? Yeah. Which means that the collateral damage of humanity is pretty high.

If you shoot a puma in the chest, that stops in the puma. But imagine there's a bird attacking douche's face and you're on the other side of the bird and I shoot the bird, bullet through the bird or douche's face, and you're on the other side of the bird, and I shoot the bird, bullet through the bird or douche's face into your head. So I don't know how the hell we're meant to figure that one out. You know what I mean? Because, again, you have like a flock of, say,

yeah, any kind of, think of it like a flock of crows, right? And there you are with your AK-47, spraying bullets.atatatata and then you maybe get a bunch of them but because there's just so many you're not getting them all and then you gotta reload

every single person on earth needs to kill 57 birds to stand a chance I don't like those odds I suppose all those years ago Alfred the hoagie Hitchcock really did imagine a terrible picture of doom for humanity. And this is the thing, though, right?

So at the very end of Alfred Hitchcock's The Boots, they just stop. They just stop and ominously just perch there, waiting. And I think if that happened, I don't know if we'd bounce back It would change everything forever Because air travel's gone Because we'd all be too frightened We'd have to do a lot of anti-bird

Measures And the moment that we start doing any anti-bird Measures that might be like The instigating thing to cause them to rise up again. Because we don't know what's caused this moment of truce. The greatest weapon in the bird's arsenal is that we can't predict their next move. We don't know what a bird's thinking. This goes back to my original statements of look at a seagull.

It's either thinking nothing or violence and we'll never know. We don't know what flex that switch. And then we're like, okay, today on Bird Watch, at a seagull. It's either thinking nothing or violence and we'll never know. We don't know what flex that switch. Today on Birdwatch we assume the birds are thinking nothing, but be careful it might switch to violence. Also you've got the domestic

birds, like say parrots that could probably communicate to us. Yeah. I don't know if I want to be seeing say a nice parrot clawing my eyes out while it's telling me to like, fuck you, fuck you. Yeah.

Hello? Yeah. It's easy. I just imagine holding a pistol to a sparrow's head or like just near it as it just jumps around merrily and being like, just make your move motherfucker Just make your move I'm ready I'm waiting

Can you imagine like a woodpecker Just on the base of your skull That's so scary We're doomed we are doomed There's nothing we can do You've got your like AK-47 or your like machine gun And you're in a crowd of soldiers And a woodpecker goes on like the back of your arm and starts pecking and you start pulling the trigger

and this is just outright attack i think i kind of was talking about this before we were talking about like you know this bio weapon themselves where they're like you know destroy our food in terms of like shitting on or whatever But they don't even have to do that. First off, well, now we're no longer eating chicken, because it's hard to do. But they could eat all our other food supply. They could just go and... We're a patrician. How defenseless we are,

can you imagine how defenseless a cow is? Oh, no! Oh, my God, I didn't even think of the cows. Sparrows climbing down his throat? Jesus. Eating its lunch? It's eating my lunch! Watching a cow getting eaten from the inside out by sparrows is unpleasant to think about. Really horrible image, yeah.

But you know what's good to think about? 30 eagles coming together to lift up a cow and drop it from a great height. Where are they taking that cow? Oh, wait, no! Oh no, they're just taking it up! They're just taking it up!

They're just disappearing into the clouds. They're taking it to space! Where's it going? It can't know what's happening. It's so confused. But you know who would be on our side, you know, and I'm basing this off my favorite video on the internet ever of that horse that eats the baby chicken.

Horses, humanity's greatest ally throughout all history. It's their time to shine Finally we're like, hey Bessie, my trusty horse You know I've always stopped you eating birds in the past Well have at him, baby Go now It's fucking dinner time But then again, as much as I say

What can a cow do to a bunch of birds What can a horse do I just If they have an all out attack against us We're kind of fucked If they're a bit smart, which they've proven to be in the birds That they are They could go after our food supply

And it's not just like cows and other kind of animals But they could also happily eat all our crops There's only 60 million horses Oh no, I don't like those odds You know what I think the greatest betrayal would be of animals, but they could also happily eat all our crops. Yeah, for sure. There's only 60 million horses. Oh, no. I don't like those odds. You know what I think the greatest betrayal would be, now that they're attacking all wildlife? Those birds that chill on the back of rhinoceroses

and, like, eat the you know, it just starts pecking. Just start pecking. The rhino being like, but we were friends! We had a deal! This episode has made me hate birds. Humanity would be doomed

and birds are nature's arseholes. Fuck birds. No, no, actually, no, I think it's good that the birds, that they don't do this. Maybe the birds are our allies. I love birds. Yeah, fuck birds. No, no, actually, no, I think it's good that the birds, that they don't do this. Maybe the birds are our allies. I love birds. Birds have no ears, dickhead. They're not gonna hear your betrayal.

The birds aren't gonna fuck you, dude. Bird, turncoat. No matter how much you love birds, they're never gonna fuck you, you idiot. Never gonna fuck you, they're gonna love you, you dumb fucking idiot. They're gonna fuck your older brother, you dumb fuck never gonna fuck you they're gonna love you dumb fucking idiot they're gonna fuck your older brother you dumb fuck they hate you also when i said birds have no ears before obviously i understand that birds can hear please don't tweet me about that and on that note i've been joel i've been jackson and i've also been joel fuck birds

yeah fuck birds thank you alfred the Hoagie Hitchcock. You made us realise. You made us realise. Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park? The whole dinosaur saga, even. Well, did you know that just as the Joels wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun. On the very same night that the Joles enter Dinosaur Park,

Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land, Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the Dinosaur Saga, then head to SandsPantsPlus and for as little as $10 a month, you gain access to Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, as well as literally an arseload of other content. Once again, that's SandsPantsRadio.com

forward slash plus. Head there now. The adventure continues.