Plumbing the Death Star - Is Humanity Totally Doomed in a Quiet Place?

Episode Date: July 11, 2021

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where we ask the important questions like, is humanity totally doomed in a quiet place? Alright So A Quiet Place Horror movie Came out a couple of years ago Everyone was like Oh my god

It's so quiet This movie's blowing my fucking mind Usually I go to a cinema To be entertained By the louder noises, but it's a shush movie. So I saw this movie, and usually movies, they're loud and they're flashing, but this movie, quiet.

No flashing. Yeah, no flashing. Barely any words. And then it started that awesome trend of movies where they're like, well, if this one you can't make noise, what if one you can't see thing? What if it's like you can't taste? You taste the monsters monsters you're dead so in the first acquired place okay no you're right like if you touch the monster you're dead

but you can still see it yeah but that's just a tiger that's true of a bear this is also very easy to be yeah i can do i reckon i can give you a horror movie That's true of a bear. This is also very easy to be. I reckon I can give you a horror movie that is any of those. Can't touch the monster, it follows. Yeah, true. Can't see the monster. That's Bird Box. Bird Box.

Can't taste the monster is, I guess, also technically it follows. Yeah. Can I give it one of them open mouth smooches? Oh, no, I'm dead. Then there's you can't. Can't smell'm dead then there's you can't smell the monster there's no can't smell the monster if you smell the monster you're dead if you smelt it you're dead

he who smelt it died I mean there's don't breathe but that's also anything in space don't breathe is also a horror movie where, again, you can't be... But also breathing isn't a sense.

No, no, no, but... Sniffing is, though. It's called Don't Breathe because breathing makes noise. Ah, so it's sound again. It's Bird Box again. Once more again, it's... No, it's Quiet Place again. Bird Box is the sea.

Yeah, yeah. Bird Box is the sea. Anyway. It's the sea sense. A quiet place. The quiet place. A quiet place. A quiet place.

Yeah, singular. Which is funny because it's called, I guess, Earth is a quiet place. Yeah, it's quiet now. Yeah. It used to be loud. Anyway, the second one's coming out. Yeah. And I won't bother you with spoilers of the second movie.

Both you and the audience. I will just say that the spoilers of the second movie, both you and the audience. I will just say that the opening of the film is day one, like the day that A Quiet Place happened. Occurred, yeah. Yeah, which we hadn't seen before in the first one. It's kind of like this is day 20 or whatever, and a kid dies, and you're like, oh, my God, and then it's like day 400, and you're like, oh, I guess.

And then you're like, you're pregnant. You fuck. 400 days is more than 10. Find a Johnny. Yeah. 400 days. Pull oh, I guess. And then you're like, you're pregnant. You fuck. 400 days is more than 10. Find a Johnny. Yeah. 400 days. Pull out, at least. Come on now.

Don't fuck if you can't make noise. Like, that's crazy. I guess, actually. You can fuck if you don't want to make noise. Yeah, but if it's life or death. Nah, that might make it more alluring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot that I'm talking to a man that would die for a

come yeah just like look this is unrelated to something but like if you know that you're not allowed to make noise and the only way that the monster will find you is if you're making noise risking it to fuck is crazy but maybe you're quiet lovers yeah the baby is the risk that's why you gotta wear a frang yeah well. Yeah. Well, guess what happens? They wear a frang-er. Wrong! Baby happens! Yeah, I know!

That was a mistake. I do like the idea that even in the apocalypse, you still get horny. Yeah, it's something you don't think about. And not just horny, but horny enough that when you're running from the apocalypse, you also have one or at least maybe two children at a time that you can kind of put them off the side for a good 15 minutes. Well, they've always got two children. When they fucked, they would have probably had maybe even had three.

Wow, that's a lot of kids. They go from three to two to three. That's a lot of kids for the apocalypse. They replace it. Who cares? So it's monsters that are attracted to sound and then they will attack anything that makes sound. anything that makes sound. Anything that makes sound. They're blind, but they have hyperhearing and can,

I guess probably sonar or some shit. Whatever dolphins have. Dolphins have eyes. I'm joking. Is everyone barefoot? Bats. Bats also have eyes. But they suck. They're bare eyes.

They've got pretty good eyesight. It's a myth. Sucked in by a myth again One of them cave animals, like a cave lobster Oh, a worm or something One of them creatures from the descent I don't know if they do any click noises, but you can imagine them doing it Yeah

So, yeah, because in the first one You don't really get a sense of what's going on In the second one it's explained that, yeah, they're from space Okay, so they're space, they're blind aliens That hate sound Oh, so they were just like we like the cold nothingness of space it was silent and everything's loud yeah their planet would be cool but they make sound uh not really but i mean like when they move but i guess there's a level of sound you yeah i was gonna ask is everyone in a quiet place barefoot because they should be uh yes yeah i

mean the family or in socks i guess yeah and they put sand all over the ground so it makes less noise because like the as the movies progress there's stuff you can do to trick the monsters like you can wind chimes wind chimes turn it on like a sprinkler system because if they're getting rained on that's like a sensory overload for them kill them with a dog whistle everywhere that's what I'd do. That's close. I don't know if you remember the ending of the first one, but they kill them with a hearing aid. Ah, well there you go. Because the feedback of the

hearing aid through a microphone is so overwhelming that they're like, what? Why did we not figure that out? Well, there's another thing in the second one is they also can't swim. I thought you were going to say they can't sweat. Well, they probably can't sweat either. I thought it was going with swear. They don't talk.

Trick them into saying, fuck, that'll kill them. Hey, alien! Knock, knock! Who's there? Fuck! What? Uh-uh! Who? Fuck!

Who? What a successful killing. Who? Fuck! Fuck! Boom! What a successful killing. You've cracked it. Yeah. So they can be killed by noise. Well, they're weakened by noise. So they've got like a hard exterior.

And then you shoot them in the head with a gun. Correct. Overwhelming them with sound kind of opens up. Their head is basically like an eardrum wrapped in very strong material, but it opens up if they're overwhelmed. I don't know. Yeah, what kind of planet? A very quiet, gentle planet where they need to hear a lot.

They're predators, clearly. I don't know. Well, they're hunting. Good hearing. Oh, no, good hearing can work for both, I guess. Well, where are their eyes? They're blind. Yeah. Blind hunters. Cave do. Yeah, to be underground

or at least a planet that has a very slow rotation so there's not much sunlight. Or like periods of a lot of darkness. Or at least they're in the... Does that mean the best place to be in the Quiet Place Apocalypse is on like a jaunty little tugboat? Because you're at sea and then if they come you can be like,

And then the attraction do it and they leap into the water and drown like big idiots. Like to be honest, a cruise ship, perfect. Well, so the audience don't find out that water is a weakness until quite late in the second one but that's the thing it's and then they they try and I said I wouldn't talk about the film but I said I wouldn't talk about it. Spoilers require place 2 from here on out. In the second one there's like a they find an island and whatever and they're like yeah we're safe here because none actually got onto the island. I screamed straight away yeah. First thing I'd do i'd be yelling yeah 500 days of missing this well that's they're having a party that basically happened good yeah um and they're like yeah like we the military figured out almost immediately that

they people couldn't uh that they couldn't swim but then they just tried to cram everyone on boats and then like there was 12 boats and then only two made it because everyone was, like, stampeding, basically. That's silly. You're idiots. You're fucking idiots. Also, like, how many boats does it say? Surely there's more than 12 boats on Earth.

Are they all sent in North America? Do we know? Is this, like, 2012 where they were like, we've got to put people on big cruise ships? And, again, they only had, like, six.'s not just in north america because you get a news report in the day one thing you're saying 12 boats across the world no it's just a story he's saying about like because the the guy we don't know if we can trust this guy well yeah because the guy the guy we're following who finds this island is like why like how like, how long have you been here?

And he's like, let me tell you a story. When they figured out everything was going on, there was 12 boats, but then once the first person got on safely, everyone pushed and only two boats made it. It's just a vague story. And the guy's like, oh my God. But I'm like, I don't, what?

That doesn't make, that doesn't really check out. You have that initial push. Sure. A lot of, a lot of folk are dying. Absolutely. But then like, there's going to be like boats left over, people that would have like survived the initial purge. You have that initial push. Sure, a lot of folk are dying. Absolutely. But then there's going to be boats left over,

people that survived the initial purge. Now that I think about it, what he might have... If you were fishing... Yeah, if I have a jaunty little tugboat, I am okay. Now that I think about it, what he might have been saying is they started pushing and screaming, and therefore aliens immediately went straight to the boats and sunk 10 of them. Sure, maybe those boats got sunk.

That's fine. How many beaches, piers? That's also funny because maybe he's implying that the secret that they can't swim died with those 10 boats. But then like. You would just know. If I was in a jaunty little tugboat and I'm watching the aliens who are just like angrily barking at me from the shore. I'm like like these cunts do they swim or do they jump in the lake and they drown they jump in like so you see one

jump in lake and drown that's so funny what a stupid so they're chasing they're chasing people up here and one gets into a boat and it jumps onto the boat and then a second the boat's kind of moving and then the second one tries to jump onto the boat and misses and just falls in the sea and drowns uh-huh okay and then these are the most easily defeatable aliens yeah no they also hunt in packs of three so you kill three you're sweet for a while yeah only three yeah these are easy just go go to the ocean have a swim yeah how far can they like can they swim at all or can i drown them in a bottle yeah no no no you can't it's not water they're not aliens i know i'm just not water. They're not the aliens from Sign. I know, I know.

I'm just working this out. They're not allergic to water. They just can't swim. But they clearly need to breathe, even though they came from space. Yeah. Fucking John Krasinski, you didn't think about that one. Wait, they came from space? They're from space.

How did they get here? What? Like meteors. So they were like... Like the symbiote. Yeah, okay. Like in Starship Troopers where there's the big bug planet

Chuck's bug meteors and then there's bugs everywhere? No, because the bug planet in Starship Troopers doesn't send bugs to Earth. It hits it with a meteor. It flattens the... And then there's bugs on those meteors. That isn't revealed in the film. I think it was. It's been a while since I've seen that

and you're right. I should watch it again. I watched it last week. It's so good. It's a great film. Or, if you're looking at my letterboxd, I watched it however long ago it said I watched it, and this episode is fresh. So the conceit of the episode is that humanity is doomed. Well, yes, because you see, so when you get day one at the start of A Quiet Place 2, people figure out it's attracted to noise within 10 minutes of seeing the alien,

which just would not happen. But also in that period of time, it kills thousands of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all, yeah, there's going to be an initial wipeout. I understand that. Ham question, how stupid are humans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah someone's trying to make a phone call whilst that so the figured out is attracted to noise and then someone's trying to make a phone call in a room full of like 30 people i would are you just do quietly hello that's what they do and then it's me jackson guess what phone doesn't go through i'm in real trouble the person doesn't answer or cuts out or something, and then guess what happens? Beep, beep, beep. The other obvious thing. So they hang up the call. They've tried to call someone.

They call back. And then the phone's on loud. That's great. Of course. Why would you not have it on loud? And then the alien's like, Huh? Eh?

Eh? So maybe in a quiet place, just how the aliens are stupid as shit, maybe humanity is stupid as shit. Yeah, well, but then they're also really clever because they figured out well they figured the noise thing there is no clear indication how they got to that except for the fact that yeah so they just figure this out day one like legitimately the way that it is paced is that john krasinski emily blunt and their three

children one who soon dies and one that I realized I hate, and then their other daughter, who is a good character, are at the baseball watching the boy play. I hate the boy. He's playing baseball. They see a meteor in the sky, and they're like, whoa, let's... That's cool.

Well, it's too close. It's not coming at them, but it's close enough that everyone's like, let's probably leave. I get it, but it's still pretty cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool. This guy looks like at them, but it's close enough that everyone's like, let's probably leave. I get it, but it's still pretty cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool. This guy looks like he's on fire or whatever. That's sick.

Anyway, so they all start going back to their cars, and then all of a sudden you just see this bug burst through a thing. Yeah. And then they're all trying to run away, drive away, and whatever. And then all the cars pretty much get wrecked. They get out of their cars and pile into a bar which is where the phone yeah call happens but they're already being silent in there which obviously if you're trying to hide from something that makes sense yeah i think it's actually not

that unreasonable because everything's attracted to sound yeah so it's just like these are more like that is something i would assume about creatures anyway, that if I'm loud... If I'm being chased by a bear, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I notice that they come when I... It just wouldn't be unexpected. And then if I notice that I wouldn't have to make much noise for them to notice where I was, because I'm already being quiet. And then again, if I get to a point where I'm, like,

in the second story or third story in a building looking out and I can see them wandering around and, like, something over there makes a sound and they just rush to it. I'm like, how the fuck did they notice that? We gotta be fucking quiet. So again, I don't think it's that far-fetched to make that leap to be like, don't make a sound. That's fine.

I think that the amount of noise that human beings make is that you don't figure it out in two seconds, you're dead. True, but because there is so much... Again, it all comes down to a numbers game on day one. Oh, yeah, that's true. It's a numbers game and also the fact that there's only a pack of three.

There's like seven billion of us, dude. We'll be fine. If there's a baseball stadium full of cunts making noise, I might be one of those ones to get got. I happily concede. It's a kids' baseball game, so it's not like a stadium. They're just like a local park. Yeah, but there will be a stadium somewhere.

Say it happened in Melbourne and the footy's on. I'm not so concerned. They eat the footy. I go do what I want to do. They don't eat. They just stab. Oh, that's even better. They're not even eating.

No, they're not eating them. What are they doing with this? I don't know. Murdering. Why? They hate us. I get that. And we hate them. Yeah, good. I really like, you know, they're like eating them. What are they doing with us? I don't know, murdering. Why? They hate us. I get that. And we hate them.

Yeah, good. I really like, you know, they're like, oh man, they're allergic to, like they can't swim or whatever. They're not allergic to water. Whatever, they can't swim or they're like, they're attracted to noise. Like these realizations we make about aliens. It's funny to imagine in the opposite direction, like we come to an alien planet and they're like, hey, they can't eat poison. Hey, human being aliens aliens if you stab them in the head they die they're weak they're weak to sugar if you leave out a sugar they will consume

it somehow they're weak to being shot in the balls or they're anywhere to be honest that's crazy because that implies this alien race are just always shooting each other in the balls. You know it's fine for us, even good. We greet each other by shooting each other in the balls. Hello, blow block. Hi, good day to you. What would we think was happening when we landed on that planet? They were already killing each other.

Wait, no. Something else is happening. I think they're smiling. And then when they greet us, we think it's an attack because they shot us in the balls. planet. They're already killing each other. Wait, no. Something else is happening. And then when they greet us, we think it's an attack because they shot us in the balls. Go to war. We come from outer space. Oh yeah. What happened? He's screaming.

Why? So the pack of three or whatever, it's implied they've taken over the whole Earth, but it's not just three over Earth. It's like there's different regions and there's three per region kind of thing. How many of these aliens are there? Do we know? I don't know.

I'm trying to work out how sexy terrified of these. Yeah, wait, so would it be like three aliens for Melbourne? Or a city? Yeah, or three aliens for a suburb. Yeah, what's the difference there? Because one is scarier than the other. Yeah, like three aliens for, like, a suburb. Yeah, what's the difference there? Because one is scarier than the other. Yeah, like, one is... How fast are they?

Yeah, one's a bit frightening, but if you could drown three aliens... What a hell? I get it. There's going to be a lot of death in the first one, because there's death and destruction. No one else got the gun on. They seem pretty powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so, yeah, a lot of people live dying. I get that. And because you're freaking out, you don't know, and you're, like, screaming. So, yeah, by about, like, day four or five, there's, like, a lot of people are dying. I get that. And because you're freaking out, you don't know, and you're, like, screaming. So, yeah, by about, like, day four or five, there's, like, a lot of people are – Yeah. But by, like, day six or seven, the people who are being very quiet and trying to stay hidden and, you know, those that, like – because you'll have those things, or, like, people who are hidden, and then they'll make a noise or they'll die.

And you'll have survivors who will witness that and know that and be like, oh, they died. And they'll be slowly but surely, like, whittling it out to working out what is going on. Yeah. Probably be like, oh, they died. And they'll be slowly but surely like whittling it out to working out what is going on. Probably not in like 10 minutes, but at least by like week one, you're like, okay, it's noise. They're attracted to noise. It's also funny because like, you know, like movies like this tend to be like, well, of course there's no military left

because the military noisy. But like there are factions of the military. James Bond's quiet secret agents, they'd be fine that's the thing, it's not like the military is not trained to be stealthy military always is like hello, we are army

I'm shooting him to the app so like surely there would be factions fuck, the army's coming oh no, army damn, better get our coming. Oh no, army. Damn, better get out, guys. Ba-ba-boom! We're the opposing army! War's loud.

Guys, shh. You got, like, any kind of, like, special unit, like a stealth force? Well, John Krasinski said like, he- cause they- People calling him out? That's good. No, no, no, people were like, well, there's no prologue ready, there's no explanation- cause, like, the first A Quiet Place, you don't really,

you just get thrown into the world, which is fine. Like you can pick up everything and whatever. But he was like, it doesn't mean that I didn't have like a backstory in my head. He's like, yeah, they came to Earth. And this is always a bad move by directors. Yeah. Because you always sound like a fucking idiot. Because he's like, ah, in my mind, they're the perfect predators.

There's no humans and no light on their planet, but their planet was destroyed. And then they came to earth on meteorites so what what are you saying so if they were the perfect predators that would mean that they're hunting us to eat us which i think is fine yeah but they're not they're hunting us to kill us and that's it so they don't need to eat right imagine an equivalent of that for us like our planet is destroyed. We somehow hop on a meteor or whatever. He compared them to, he's like, it's a terrible joke, but it's like releasing wolves into a daycare

center. That's not a joke, John Krasinski. What's the punchline? It's a terrible joke. It's very funny. It's very funny. Hang on, hang on. Sorry, it always makes me laugh.

So get this, okay? You've got a daycare centre. Okay. And so you've got, like, a pack of wolves. Oh, no. So, like, okay. And then you just open the doors. That's what it's like.

That's very funny. That's a joke. That's a funny joke. What? Maybe he meant it's a terrible joke because there's no punchline. He was like, it's a terrible joke. It's not a good joke. I'm just trying some new material.

So say you've got a daycare center and a pack of wolves. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, hi, Jackson Bailey here at the Laugh Bucket. You know wolves, right? Everybody's seen wolves. And daycares, okay. Little baby children, no parents. Yeah, okay. It's like daycares okay little little baby children no parents

okay and then it's like i'm like the little baby oh wolf is killing me i am here all night you know and now a quick word from our sponsors hey i'm george dimmerless and i'm here to talk about bookish my book themed interview podcast where i get a different guest on every week to talk about their favorite book and what that says about them. It's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest because I'm trying to figure out why that thing you love is that thing you love. So if you've ever wondered, I like this thing, I wonder what that reflects about me. This show is basically me trying to figure that out every week with a new guest it's kind of half book podcasts and half psychoanalysis session

from someone taking some wild shots in the dark but it's a lot of fun and i think kind of informative and there's books john krasinski doesn't know what a joke is, I guess. No, but it is pretty fun. Yeah. So they're a parasite and a predator. Yeah. What, how are they a parasite? John Krasinski,

shut up. That's what I mean. When directors, because when you've got, when you've got ideas in movies, lots of people look at it and they reword it. So it makes sense. When the director just talks.

Also, I can watch it and I can see the aliens attacking guys and be like, cool, the aliens. I'm not thinking, I don't need, you know what I mean? Wolves in daycare centers. Yeah, I don't need that explained to me. I need to be reminded of that trauma. Yeah.

So, back to the question. I just think that, okay, so they're entirely like invulnerable, entirely, unless you get their head to open up, which we've seen happens by coincidence, basically. Feedback loop from a hearing aid. And we know they can't swim, but we don't know they can't swim because we live in America that's not necessarily next to the sea.

Australia would have figured it out immediately. Mate, I'm just going have figured it out immediately. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, I'm just going to go for a surf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, the best time to be fishing would be just when the meteors come and you're like, oh, fuck. Whoa, that's crazy. One gets into a boat, though. Yeah.

Well, you might die, but, you know. No, it gets into a boat, and then that boat goes to that island. It's very funny. It's great to imagine. Does the alien just sit there patiently doesn't freak out because the motor's going it was a raft remember it's a it's a uh dingy yeah no no noise so the waves are being silent well no i think what happens is it's also it look i liked this movie but there's definitely things that when you remove yourself from the film and you think about these scenes by themselves are very funny.

So remember how I said one jumps onto the boat and one misses? So the one that jumps onto the boat, you don't really see, but that boat just slowly floats out to sea. Yeah. This is the equivalent of, say, I'm getting chased by two bears. Yeah. I run off a pier, get into a boat. One bear misses, drowns like a dickhead. The other bear lands in the I run off a pier, get into a boat. One bear misses,

drowns like a dickhead. The other bear lands in the boat and just sits there with me for a bit. And I'm like, okay, bear, I will thank you to the rest of my survivors. It's going to be good.

You eat them and don't eat me. This could be very good for you, bear. There's two boats. So the one that the bug thing falls into Then they get in a different boat

And that boat they sail to this island Which they say in the movie took two days And so then This bear is like I'll follow that boat It learns how to operate a boat It just floats there apparently Because it's a straight line

That's not how the sea works John Krasinski But it's also so funny to imagine Say I'm on my jaunty little bug boat and an alien gets on there and kills me and my boat just goes out to sea with the alien on it like does is the alien capable of being like oh shit does the alien just wait for it well you see because they're kind of they're sort of like look to me they're spiders. Yeah, they don't seem like a not panicky animal. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's like every time they hear sound, they're like...

Yeah, they freak the fuck out. And the ocean ain't quiet. Yeah. Well, and also there's another point of the movie where they turn on a sprinkler system and that disorientates one because it's just like sound everywhere. What if it got capsized? That'd be so funny.

That alien wouldn't know what the fuck was going on. But then also, I mean, that also shows the different rains. They're just like, what is happening?

Rain is a good time to go and do stuff. Take care of your business. I feel like Melbourne would be all right. Yeah, it's often wet. because we see that

in the first one because they go and have a conversation under a waterfall. Yeah, because the aliens don't know. They're just like, yeah, that's just,

I guess, more water. Yeah. So anyway, when it, yeah, that's just I guess more water. Yeah. So anyway, when it's raining, we can just chill. The way they figure it out is they're on the island for a bit and then one of the fellas just like walks up to the like one part of the dock and he can hear a noise and it's like

and you see the boat and you realize that there's one just in the hull of the boat and then he runs back and it's like everyone get inside. And then it's like... Here it is. ...bursts out. Yeah.

The one safe place ain't so safe. It doesn't seem like it would even really be good for the aliens, Earth. It's a loud planet. Like, it seems like even if they eradicated us, they would be like, this is a bum... Like, this sucks. It'd be like if we found another planet.

Go to Mars, fuckheads. Yeah, that's quiet. Not just that. Like, once they eradicate us, then what? They die? Yeah. What are they eating? I don'theads. Yeah, that's quiet. Not just that. Like, once they eradicate us, then what? They die? Yeah. What are they eating?

I don't know. Yeah. Because if they're not eating us, if they're just stabbing us and that's it. Maybe they're- Surely they're eating us. Yeah. I mean, you never see one eat anything. It's kind of like if we landed on a- well, not really, because I guess- I was going to

say- Maybe they eat rocks. I don't know. Well, then delicious. Yeah, I was going to be like- Or maybe they eat trees or some shit, which means that makes Earth make sense. But they said there was no light on their planet, so they ain't eating anything green. They're not eating trees.

They might eat rocks. Yeah. But then you could have gone to Mars. Yeah. Unless they like to come to Earth for the thrill of the kill. That makes sense. But they don't seem like a particularly sapient race. It's not like they're having conversations that are, like, you know, in any way, like, detailed or...

They're basically a skittish wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do wolves go on patrol? Probably. Because I kind of feel like these guys go on patrol. Yeah. I feel like a wolf...

Because wolves have, like, pack tactics. And they have, like, an area territory. Yeah. I'm just trying to think of an equivalent for us. Like, if we landed on a planet made out of chocolate that smelled like farts. Why are you putting the smell there? Because that's like the sound thing, you know? Like, so for the aliens.

Or wouldn't it just be like a planet that we landed, it's covered in chocolate, but it's also screaming? Yeah. Because we also don't like loud noise. Yeah, that's true, but I'm trying to think of yeah i guess i guess that would work too i was like just having something that's immediately bad you know what if you land on a planet it's made of chocolate and it's perfect and the temperature's great but the local wildlife are just constantly shooting you in the balls and we hate being shot in the balls yeah so then we every time we get shot in the balls we kill the thing that shoots us in the balls no shooting in the balls. We do. Yeah. So then we, every time we get shot in the balls, we kill the thing that shoots us in the balls.

A no shooting in the balls place. That's the name of the movie. Don't shoot anything in the balls. I just feel that humanity would be actually fine with this. Because do we find out how many of these aliens hitchhiked a ride on a meteor? We know that there was multiple meteorites and based on what And every meteorite

had three? No, so we just know that they're in groups of three. So like to clear an area if you kill three you're sweet but then

yeah, but then apparently they like kind of How do they breed? Anyway, I don't know. Maybe they fuck in missionary position. I don't know.

I've got many questions about these aliens. Yeah, doggy. That's great. That makes sense. Quietly though. Huh? That's a thing. Yeah, doggy. That's great. That makes sense. Quietly, though. Huh? Yeah, that's a thing.

Yeah, yeah. But then they, hmm. Yeah. Maybe there's frequency. Well, that's the thing with the hearing aid thing. It's the frequency, not the noise. Okay. Because, like, loud noises upset them, but it's that particular frequency.

So they're, like, fucking on, like, infrared. So maybe they. Whatever. Fucking on infrared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fuck via Blu-ray. Ultrasound or whatever the fucking thing is via hd maybe they have a level of sapience then they're just communicating in it yeah but they

act like so skittish yeah i think it's the kind of thing where humanity wouldn't be i don't think we would come out well but i think it's like over like several hundred years we might bounce back, basically. I think like a couple of years. Imagine, okay, so- How many mistakes do you make in a day? Dude, nothing but. I'm thinking, okay, so- Because every single human being gets one mistake.

No, they don't though. People on cruise ships. Yeah. Think about the amount of people that are currently on cruise ships. Well, probably not many. COVID, am I right? cruise ships. Yeah. Think about the amount of people that are currently on cruise ships. Well, probably not many. COVID, am I right? Ha-ha.

Yeah, I guess. But in a time... Okay, I guess if a quiet place happened at the same time as COVID... Oh, yeah, look, it sucks. Although maybe masks would dampen our breathing, so maybe it would be good. That's true. And we're staying inside, so they'd land and they'd be like,

huh, there's no one here. No guys, get back on the meteor. Someone coughs on the aliens and be like, War of the Worlds. War of the Worlds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gave the aliens COVID. Who knew?

Simple COVID-19. Save the day. Save the day. Ruin us and ruin them. But I know what you mean. I know what you mean in that there's going to be people on cruise ships. But not just cruise ships. There's like fishermen.

There's going to be just people. People in airplanes. People in airplanes. People on the ships. But like not just like cruise ships, it's like fishermen, there's going to be just people. People in airplanes. People in airplanes, people on the beach. Yeah. Well the thing- But like Navy. Yeah. Like just, there is so many people around.

Well the fact that we can't damage them unless they open their faces is probably the only thing that makes it difficult. Because like a cruise ship docks and aliens just pretty much waiting on the pier that just ravages them. Yeah. So it just doesn't dock, but then how are you going to eat?

Fish. Each other, eventually. Each other, really. But again, you'd find islands. Again, there would be intel. You'd be sending people out. I seriously don't, like, how impenetrable are we talking here? Like, completely and utterly?

Like, we're talking like a high power. What are we, again, nukes. The nukes happening? Well, they. We nuking them? I don't know. I mean, in real life do I, again, nukes. The nukes happening? Well, they. We nuked them? I don't know. I mean, in real life, we probably would. Yeah.

Yeah. But you got to remember that these guys were just literally standing on a meteor that crashed into Earth and were fine. Yeah. So if you nuked them, maybe they would. Well, yeah. Because they also. Yeah.

Because they survived. They survived in space. Yeah. And through the atmosphere. It's crazy for something to be able to survive both in and and through the atmosphere. Crazy for something to be able to survive both in and out of an atmosphere. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Yeah.

What are they breathing? They survived the crash of a meteor, but then, like, rain, the sound of rain is too much. Yeah, you would think when the meteor hit, that would have been gone. That would have been so loud. That would have been the loudest thing. And that's when they open their faces because it's so loud and then the heat would just drop. But also, like, the sound of fall, like, when the-

Oh, but they don't have- Oh, no, but they do. I'm not there a burrowing race. Yeah. And they were in the centre of the meteor. Yeah. And, like, if you get, and like an egg, and you cover an egg in a bunch of cotton,

and you drop it from afar, it doesn't crack. Now, how much like a cotton is a big rock? Not very. Not at all in any way. So unless these meteors aren't meteors per se, but spaceships built by them and designed by them to to accommodate

protect them what they should just die on impact they if they can live in space they should not drown either they should just walk around the bottom of the ocean yeah also but you you actively see it drown like it falls in the water and it's like well yeah there are skittish rights it's like sinks but also like maybe theyish rights and that's just like sinks but also maybe they look maybe in a quiet place part three that will inevitably happen and it will be revealed that no they can't just walk around the bottom of the ocean past the caribbean yeah walking on the bottom of the ocean let's take a walk but also if you're in the vacuum of space like there's pressure differences you know like a blobfish right? You know the reason a blobfish looks like that

is because we've exposed it to pressures that it's not used to and it gets fucked up. We fuck it up so bad. So the same thing should have happened to the quiet place creatures should have come from no pressure or whatever a lack of atmosphere does.

What if they don't usually look like that? Oh my god, and the reason they're so panicked is because they've been mutated. Or just they're exposed to a pressure they're not normally meant to be exposed to. What if they have a thing similar to that X-Man that dies because he eats a hot

rock in X-Men First Class but can usually adapt? Oh yeah. Darwin? Darwin! What if they have the same skill set as Darwin where they're just like in space Yeah alright we don't need that. Why didn't they adapt to loud earth? Or water? Well no, so water they could adapt to it's just one drowns and they're like alright. Yeah yeah he wasn't he wasn't prepared. Like how Darwin ate a hot rock and died. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Here's what I think is going to happen. I think both humanity and the Quiet Place aliens are going to die out, basically.

Oh, yeah. I don't think either of us are going to survive. When Earth explodes? No, I just mean that- Are you going for the long game? Because well done. No, I think we're fine. I think humanity is fine.

I think there are enough subsets of humanity living in either isolated places, islands, there are enough subsets of like humanity living in either isolated places islands uh again places surrounded by water all types of like medieval living would come back again moats are back in fashion moats are back but like there are so many places that around like yes with if there's how many people are there and you're telling me that like it's only happened once where they've opened up the little face hole that someone shot into. I'm sure it's happened multiple times. It's probably happened. I think the thing is that it was like a weird, like a rare combination

because maybe things have happened where, like, I don't know, someone was, there would have been a band playing or something and they unplugged their instruments and the feedback of that upset the alien. But then to be like, oh, that's their weak point rather than just like oh that stunned but you would also think that the the government or the military would be like right weak to sound let's see what we can do weak to see we need some loud boats fellas yeah you'd think they'd figure it out but as we saw you in mad max how there's the doof warrior that's like a big speaker stacked on a car, put it on a boat. Captain Doof Warrior.

Captain Doof. I just think after a seventh, there's going to be an initial purge. We are going to lose a ton of humanity, especially if it hits populated areas. We should do. But there are going to be rural areas, especially in Australia

where there's people living in very, like, isolated places. Yeah, yeah. Very far away that there would be no way for the creatures to realise to get to there. And I think we would just be fine because also, like, alien creatures have to go through, like, so many things as well because it's not just humanity they're going for. Dogs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cows. Birds. Wow. Birds. So. Birds. So angry at birds because they can't reach. And imagine just seeing this alien creature trying to jump up a tree to try and get these birds.

Imagine an eagle does like a, at the right frequency that its face opens, the eagle dive bombs it. Got him. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God, they're weak to eagles. It's like how quick are they to kill everybody in terms of if it's a him. Yeah. Oh my god, they're weak to eagles. It's like, how quick are they

to kill everybody in terms of the crowd, sure, but when that crowd gets more and more thinned down. Oh, well, no, because you see them do both. Because all four of their legs are like pincers and they pretty much just stab and slit people's throats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or cut people in half. Yeah. I reckon they're gonna starve

to death. That's also, you know, I think. But we don't know what they ate. They survived in space. What the fuck are they're gonna starve to death. There's nothing to eat here. But we don't know what they eat! They survived in space! What the fuck are they? What do you mean, briefly? They're like a parasite or a wolf or whatever. They're the perfect predator. It could be the sun! To do what? They could be fucking photosynthesizers.

Synthesitics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, again, you look at Don't worry about their food, Jackson. I can't stop worrying about their food. It's the same though, because thinking about zombies, what if they end up attacking? Just pretend it's the sun.

Say they thrive, even though we know that their planet had no light, so it can't be the sun. It's rocks then. It's rocks. But it wouldn't be earth rocks. Not all rocks are the same. They've got different mineral makeups. They've got different chemicals going on within them. It also says they're a parasite,

so maybe they're just rock parasites and all rocks are the same. What does that mean? What is a rock parasite? That does not make sense. That's like saying I'm a hamburger parasite. You are. I would describe you as that. So a parasite, what is the definition of parasite?

Parasite, it's just a creature that basically actually yeah he means virus i think because parasite doesn't make sense the parasite yeah they need a host yeah yeah what's the host is the is it is this a situation where they've these creatures have come and they've found these like big monster whatever and the parasite is a big ear kind of like like that fish parasite that becomes that fish tongue. Yeah. But that's like if the reverse happened and the tongue becomes the fish. Around the tongue. Yeah.

Like what is this creature? I think we were fine. We as humanity are fine. We lose a lot. We lose a heap in the first few days. I would say that it might even be like in hindsight, I was like, The Quiet Place is overplayed, underplayed how fucked humans would be.

But I think it's actually overplayed how fucked humans would be. I think we're fine. 12 boats? No. No, no, no. A fleet. We are fine. Yeah, there is a lot of people that get killed, granted,

but they're not that. How efficient are they? I think the fact that John Krasinski never clearly had one idea. John Krasinski was like, what if an alien got you if you made noise? And then clearly never thought anything beyond that about his alien race has saved us, basically. He's never thought of the specifics

and now he's being forced to. He doesn't know. He just had one neat idea, and that was it. He didn't decide to think anymore. The thing is, if they ate humanity, like they ate humans, or they ate flesh like that, so they would kill someone and eat them, and then they would be distracted by eating it,

that they would, like, you know, leave off. It's kind of like in a situation where you, again, that classic joke, John, where it's like, if you're getting chased by a bear, you just gotta outrun your friends. Yeah, yeah. So that situation where he's like, if you're getting chased by a bear, you just gotta outrun your friends. So that situation where he's like, you know, the bear or the alien would be, you know, sated on whatever they're eating, but they're not eating people.

They're just angry at sound. Why are they angry at sound? I don't know. John Krasinski doesn't know either. John Krasinski, come on our show. Come on our show and explain your goddamn aliens. Yeah, I've got so many questions about these aliens. Emily Blunt can come too because she seems nice.

Yeah, she seems nice. She'll have answers. She'll have answers. John Krasinski, you'll just look at us like you're in the office again. Maybe that's what he did the whole interview. They're like, I've seen his aliens. And they had a question. Then he just looked down the barrel of the camera.

Remember when I was Jim? Yes. yes it was good wasn't it i guess you probably got a lot of money from that congratulations yeah heaps yeah this interview is over so is this episode and on that note i've been joel i've been jack and i've also been joel a double barrel joel on that note. That was crazy. That's rare. Yeah, it is rare. Vintage.

In 1977, Marvel attempted to answer the important questions with their What If line of comics. They failed. Now, in the year of 2021, the plumbing boys have picked up the slack and dare to ask once again, What If? Dare to ask, once again,

what if? What if the Avengers had never been? Months are flying by, your brain cells plummeting. We are reaching final thoughts so quickly. What? Please show you're working there. Well, like, so... Yeah, what? Okay, because in the...

So is he Hulk? Then hang on. We're hanging on. What do you mean? Please show you're working. Was he born as Hulk? Why? I don't know.

If Hulk can sue, I can. Five. Three. Four. Three. Is that a boy? Two. One. The Fantastic Four simply rebrand as the Three Uncles with Papa Grimm. You know that? Let me look you in the eyes and tell you, you are no one's uncle. You are no one's uncle. Ben?

You are no one's uncle. Mr. Grimm? You are no one's uncle. You are no one's uncle. No. Grimm, you are no one's uncle. N.E.G., you are no one's uncle. No, listen. Not a single person. Don't answer. Don't talk back. Know this in your heart of hearts.

I need to know you were listening when I say this. Your siblings have not given birth to children. No one calls you uncle? You are not an uncle. Johnny Storm. Johnny Storm is the dumbest one, right? Because he was just there. Why is he just there?

Why did he go to space too? Is that a lie? Captain America, they put him in the machine. They're like, he's going to come out a super soldier. They open it up. They're like, he's fucking dead. We cooked it. Cancel the project.

He just died. Sorry, Mr. Sark. You got stupid sperm. I've got no strings because I'm not Pinocchio. I'm just a dumb boy. Don't worry, Dad. I'll fight the bad guys. Give me a gun.

I made you strong. You got powers. What? No, no, no. Give me a gun. Give me a sword. I'll patrol outside. Dad, I'm not wearing pants.

You're a robot. Give me some pants, Dad. Dad, I'm not wearing pants. You're a robot. Give me some pants, Dad. Dad! At least underwears. My robot dick's hanging out, Dad. No, it's not. I didn't give you a robot dick. Why not?

Dad! Write that down. Write that down. A clever Hulk's more frightening than a stupid Hulk. That's like a clever bull is more frightening than a stupid bull. Yeah. If you see a bull and the bull is like, I'm going to gore you. What if the bull stands on its back legs

and is like, let's have a conversation. I am afraid. No, wait, what's more scary? No, I'm not. We eat you or your wives. Couple of cucks, eh, Reed? What? You know, couple of of guys getting cocked.

What's on TV? My lady, she loves an astronaut. Your lady loves a fish boy. Crazy. Air. Water. Hey. The two elements of cock.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What if? A new series coming soon, only to Sandspans Plus for King subscribers.