Plumbing the Death Star - Is it Better to be a Best Friend or a Butler?

Episode Date: August 11, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. If you're listening to this, I'm sorry. Oi, dickheads! Hope your day has gone well. I'm just here to say I love you, and I wish you the best. Also, next week, we're going to be doing a live Plumbing the Death Star on Twitch. We haven't quite worked out what time yet, but it will be on Monday the 19th for us, so head to our Facebook page or follow us on Twitter, at Sans Pants Radio, for more details throughout the week. But that's not all, we're also

doing live D&D on Twitch this Sunday. And next, head to our Twitter or twitch.tv slash SandsPantsRadio for more information or to catch up for next week. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions

like, is it better to be a best friend or a butler? So obviously what we mean by this is... Because... Both in real... I don't like emotional attachment. Let me serve you. It's cool to imagine fans being like, oh, I guess Slum of the Dats are just like gone off from ever doing anything related to pop culture.

They're just asking questions now. Yeah, I prefer to know where my boundaries are in a relationship, so I prefer to have a job. Get paid as a butler. Get paid. Give some nice advice. Yeah. Leave.

You can punch out of being a butler. Best friend, you've got to answer the phone. I don't want to answer. Wait, as a butler, I can get fired. As a best friend, maybe not. You can get friend fired. No, but the people, the specific best friend and butler that we're referring to are Superman's best pal Jimmy Olsen.

Yes. And Batman's butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Nearly forgot the surname. I was going to call him Alfred Butler. I was going to go with Hitchcock. So look, I'm glad we managed to get that name. Would you rather be best friends to Superman or the butler to Batman? I'd go butler.

I'd go best friend. What about you, idiot? Well, I will have to pick because you've both... Yeah, okay. Let'd go butler. I'd go best friend. What about you, idiot? Well, I will have to pick because you've both... Okay, let's talk about them. Sell me the idea of being Batman's butler. So the role that you see Alfred play

is not only a mentor and a butler, but also... Oh, sick. I love coaching the youth. Love being a butler to a depressed teen. But do you know what being a mentor is? That's the strangest description of Batman ever. A depressed teen.

Depressed teen Batman. He was at one point. Cut me some slack. I don't think he was ever a teenage Batman. I don't think he was ever a teenager. He went straight from boy to man. Well, in Batman Begins, he was a ninja when he was a teenager. Why is Batman a ninja?

There's a good argument that he went straight from boy to man. Yeah. I was not completely off. I like the idea. Butler is good. So if your parents die, you skip puberty? Is that what happens? Bruce Wayne specifically definitely did skip puberty.

If your parents die and you're a boy and you travel to the furthest reaches of the earth, you come back a man and a ninja no i was gonna say batman as batman's butler like you get a good period of time where batman is gallivanting off becoming batman that's you time you can do exactly it's a lot of downtime also as his mentor i pretty much am in control of batman No, no, no. The con here, though, as a con, is that you have to now follow everything that, say, the previous Waynes wanted. Yeah, that's true. You have to kind of follow what

Thomas and... Be a good butler. That's not hard. Vacuum the fucking house. I'm not saying be a good butler. Who cares? I'm saying you've got to kind of follow what they dictated. So you've got to try and remember. And look, are you going to pay attention to what Thomas and Martha Wayne wanted for their boy? Probably not. I don't think at any point they were like, hey, Alfred, our butler,

if our boy decides he wants to be a Batman, encourage that. No, but also as Alfred, it's not just butler duties. It's not like Batman's like, I'll take care of it. All you've got to do is sweep the bad cave with dead bats or whatever. Also, you got to learn how to hack. You got to be on comms 24-7. I don't have to do those things. Batman will be very disappointed.

You have to learn how to sew up a bullet wound. You got to patch up all his medical problems. Again, these are all things. You got to cope being kidnapped. That's going to be great. That's fine. Can I pitch you a situation Being kidnapped is sick

Who cares I've got a bag on my head Joker I hope you put a bullet in me What's the worst you can do Kill me I just don't have to Maybe the water's rising And he's like Alfred

And you're just like don't have to no cons off this is not in my job description Bruce I don't know Bruce I don't know another thing you have to do

no so you're confusing things that Alfred has to do with things that he just knew due to his previous job is it better to be a butler or a best friend

it's better to be a butler I don't know how to do surgery, so Batman's not going to ask me to do surgery. I think, I guess who's getting fired? I just don't think you're going to have the Alfred relationship. Yeah, I think maybe you might just be a butler, and then he's just going to be like,

hey, I hired a guy who not only does my butlering, but he also, like, sews me up. Do you know what's an easier job description? Hey, what's better, being a best friend or unemployed? Well, look. Unemployed, less responsibility. It's also great to imagine Batman just not letting you in. Like the Joker coming through the mansion. You're like, where's that guy going?

Who's all these colorful characters that turn up all the time? Bruce, one of your good friends is here. The smiley one. Not the one covered in question marks the smiley one I think the worst thing

about being Alfred would be having to get up earlier than Batman you know like every scene in like a Batman movie where Batman wakes up and he's all like damaged and bruised

and Alfred's got him breakfast in bed wanna hear wanna hear a nice thing about that what what time are you imagining that to be

I guess that is that's like midday afternoon yes it is. That's true. Because Batman goes out at nine. So he is getting home and going to bed at like 5 or 6 a.m. and probably waking up at 11 to 12.

Yeah, you actually get the whole day just to be you. That's pretty chill. It depends how much you pride in your work because I know that Alfred is a very good chef. He cooks a lot of good things for Bruce Wayne. I'm not that either. And then Bruce Wayne doesn't want to eat it. He's just like, oh, here's, you know, this amazing meal I've made.

And Bruce Wayne's like, fuck it, I'll have jerky in the car. I mean, there's got to be that kind of like, is that a saying? Yeah, famously. Famously. On his way to a big gala. I think at some point in the animated series, Alfred is like, look, I've prepared this amazing thing, lifts it up and there's just nothing there. I think at some point in the animated series Batman talks about how much he loves jerky Alfred is like look I've prepared this amazing thing

lifts it up and there's just nothing there he's just like full of sass and had enough so I think at some point you're going to make I'm a master craftsman and it's being wasted on this ungrateful fuck which comes in handy because guess what I am not a master craftsman correct

can I perform butler duties? kind of you could sweep I guess vacuuming I am not a master. Correct. Can I perform bottler duties? Kind of sweep, I guess. Look, I don't know if you could. I'm fine. Hey, I maintain a clean household.

Vacuuming is so funny. Can you imagine Alfred quite elegantly taking care of the abode? Batman coming out of a clock. I have Nintendo to play. Bruce, leave me alone. I'm doing this quick. So it's less about, would you prefer, you know,

who's got the better role here, Alfred or Jimmy Olsen. It's just like how would you, Joel Dusha, do in these particular roles? I would be far worse at being Jimmy Olsen than I would be here. I disagree. Hey, you know what I've just realised? Do you know what? I'm not a journalist. I'm also fired.

I don't know what a butler's job really entails. Okay, if I say housekeeper, does that help? Yeah, but do you get a day off or do you live with your boss? You do get a day off, but you... Yeah, right? I don't think you guys know what a butler is either. Here's the things I know about being a butler or where it comes from. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Batman.

Okay. Those are my two butler experiences. What about Niles? Isn't he a butler? Niles Crane? No, Niles. The nanny. Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

He lives with them. Is it about child rearing? No, that's a nanny. Nanny. Okay, let's move on to Jimmy Holts. Isn't the nanny just a female butler? No. No, because Fran...

Wait, no, Fran doesn't do housework. Does she never do housework? But that's just the nature of Fran Drescher. But Fran Drescher is a bad nanny. But she looks after the kids. Yeah, no, that's what I mean. She's good with the kids, but she's garbage at everything else.

Yeah, but is that her job? And Mr. Sheffield's like, ooh, and that's a fine piece of fanny. So, all right, are we... Yeah, fanny. How would Fran do in the Wayne matter? I reckon she'd do all right. I think Batman would enjoy her spirit. Oh, Bruce!

Mr. Wayne! She'd be great for Damien. Yeah, yeah, she would look after all the Bat kids really well. That's fair, actually. Those Robins would do... Hey, they'd be alive. Look, yeah, she would look after all the Bat Kids really well. That's fair, actually. Those Robins would do, like, hey, they'd be alive. Look, I would make the claim. It's also good to imagine her relationship with Alfred

being similar to the relationship of Cece and Niles. Watch out, Cece! Watch out, Bruce Wayne. That doesn't work quite as well. Watch out, Cece. It'd be, well, it'd be watch out, Fran Fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Alfred would be on the case and he'd be Watch Out Fran Fine because Alfred would be on the case

and he'd be like I locked her outside Bruce I'll miss the way That's funny because like Batman doesn't want that why'd you do that Alfred

I'm also sad we don't live in the world where you thought Niles Crane from Frasier was a butler because of his voice like aren't they both butlers aren't they both butlers

he's so polite one's on a radio show it's fine no that's Frasier Crane Niles is I don't know what does Niles do

but no I still think that yeah under Fran's watch those Robins would still be alive I think that's a fair claim to make so you're saying

that Alfred is responsible for their deaths I'm just saying he is a worse child rearer than Fran Fine maybe that should have been today's

question but okay so clearly we don't know what a butler is but I think we have is a worse child rearer than Fran Fine? Maybe that should have been today's question. But okay, so... Don't do over. Clearly we don't know what a butler is, but I think we have a grasp on what a best friend is. You've got a computer there, I've got a phone. Let's find out. What is a butler?

What is a butler? How do you spell responsibility? Okay, it's good. Google's got me. Ah, I pressed space button. Fuck. The chief manservant of a house. That does not help.

That's what I feared. Oh, a hotel butler. You can be a butler of a hotel? You can be a hotel butler. Butler job description template in workable. All right, we got this. I abandoned an email I was writing to look this up, and I regret it.

I'm really excited, Zambit. It sounds like you're about to accidentally apply to be a butler. We're watching a sitcom happen. All right, all right, all right. Okay, butler responsibility includes providing personalized services to guests, having a deep knowledge of all hotel amenities for guests, working with all departments, housekeeping, food service, etc.,

to meet guests' needs. So it feels like a butler in this regard, this is for a hotel. We can translate it. We can can translate it so it's okay provides personalized services to guests uh in brackets bruce yeah so okay so we've got to provide personalized services to bruce so you basically got to look after what bruce needs yeah and you want to hear something good yeah the real life modern butler attempts to be discreet and unobtrusive oh no friendly but not familiar keenly anticipative of the needs of his or her employer and grateful and precise in the execution of duty you think in butler school they just show them a picture of you and they're like be the

opposite oh i'm friendly you're friendly but unobusive. I just imagine you barging in, like, what are we doing? Hey, are you paying Xbox? Can I play too? I've finished vacuuming the toilet. What? What? The root! I've finished sucking up the toilet water. Man, as much as I suck, the water just

doesn't get any lower. What's happening, man? Well, actually, Jackson, the water just doesn't get any lower. What's happening, man? Well, actually, Jackson, the water would get lower. That's true. Eventually, you would run out. I would run out of water, and then I'd flush again, and then it's full again. What? So, hey, Bruce Wayne often has fancy parties.

Yes. So, look, that's probably one of the main things that you're going to be butlering to do. What hors d'oeuvres do you know how to make? So, again, you have to greet them when they arrive and make sure they're settled in their rooms. Okay, I guess. Is Bruce running an Airbnb? That's for a hotel!

This isn't Wayne Manor. I'm about to. Yeah, I want to know what hors d'oeuvres you know how to make because it's great to imagine them at a fancy party. Alright, I got a mug here. Okay. Now imagine these mugs on a tray, lots of mugs. It's a shit mug for like a fancy dinner party. Yeah, it's full of spaghetti.

Oh! Food, food, spaghetti. It's great to imagine Batman like looking up at you furious as you arrive with the mug of spaghetti. What do you call this, Alfred? Spaghetti mug? Mug of spaghetti.

Spaghetti comma mug of Eat up Yum yum carbs Okay so Anticipate guest needs by learning their preferences Allergies and dislikes So I reckon like that is like you know Anticipating guests in this bracket

Arch nemesis Yeah yeah Their preferences, allergies and dislikes So I guess you've got to anticipate the enemy yeah can you anticipate the enemy of course i'm yeah got a great evil detector i just won't let anyone in all right all right poor mailman have a thorough understanding of all the mailman doesn't come into the house it's a walk to white manor he's tired have a thorough understanding of all spirits And specialty foods in stock You gotta keep

I have a responsible Service of alcohol certificate I know what spirits are what And I'll be like Bruce that's two standard drinks You're cut off Get out of here Communicate with housekeeping

It feels like I reckon Alfred has too much Yeah he's got a lot of responsibilities Run errands for guests Nah that's easy It does seem like in White Manor There's no other house style I don't have to dry clean

I'll just take it to the dry cleaner No because you need to be discreet You gotta take the bat suit out the back Get a hose Hose it down That's the opposite of dry cleaning That is in fact wet cleaning Yeah cause he pisses and shits all he has Discreet! You've got to take the bat suit out the back, get a hose. Hose it down. That's the opposite of dry cleaning. That is, in fact, wet cleaning. Yeah, because he pisses and shits all he has.

That's true. So you've got to get rid of all the stuff. Okay, yeah, because you've got to be discreet. If you take a suit that has a shit in it to a dry cleaner, surely no amount of dry cleaning is fixing that. I sometimes take pants that are just a bit dirty to the dry cleaner and they come back dirty. Oh, yeah, dry cleaning never works. I think it's a sham and a scam.

You're calling dry cleaners out today. I am. I'm calling them out right here. Any dry cleaners watching this, we're onto you. So, let's talk about Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen. Kidnapped frequently. Kidnapped frequently. More frequently than Alfred. Absolutely, and often the subject

of terrible experiments. Yes. That happens to Jimmy, our good friend, all the time. Often abused by Superman when Superman decides that he needs to become Bat Family-esque and he tries to cut off ties. He'll just be very abusive to Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy Olsen cops it, basically. But you'll always be saved by Superman as Jimmy Olsen.

If I, as Jimmy Olsen, le as Jimmy Olsen Lapped off a building Superman would come find me I would Not necessarily All I gotta do is stand there and scream I'm about to jump off a building And then Superman will pick me up But it depends where in Superman's arc

He is because if he's in the point of time Where he's decided he doesn't need Friends or he's losing touch with because if he's in the point of time where he's decided he doesn't need friends or he's losing touch with humanity or he's on Krypton, you've just killed yourself I'm plummeting towards the earth looking at my watch like any second now That's funny to fall face

first whilst looking at your watch like there was a specified time he was gonna go And now a quick word from our sponsor. While I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Shut Up A Second? I'm not in it, so already we're off to a great start. Jackson hosts it, and it's just comedy without the pretense of pop culture garbage. So if you're tired of us talking about a Star War, a current Avenger, or that Harry Potpot bloke,

why not check out Shut Up A Second? There's currently almost 300 episodes of pure, unadulterated nonsense available on iTunes or directly from our website, sanspantsradio.com. Yeah, so if you're saying that it's ideal to be Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen, are you saying it's ideal to occasionally be turned into a mudman or a turtle monster? Well, I always think You have less responsibility, and now I feel like I have an emotional connection

that isn't confined by how much I get paid. I have some terrible news for you, Joel Zammett. You have far more responsibilities, Jimmy Olsen, because unfortunately, as Superman's best friend, you need to match his ideals and responsibilities. You have to be the pinnacle of humanity. You have to be the perfect man. No, that's if Superman was

a judgy cunt. And he's not. He's lovely. Hang on. Let's just reach any of the Superman books we've got lying around and we'll see what he has to say about that. Disappointment from Superman would be very unpleasant. Exactly. Superman doesn't need me to be the Ubermensch because he already is. He just needs me to

try my best. And I'll try my best. Do you think in a situation where you find, say, $50 on the ground, and you pick it up and you're like, oh, I've got lunch today, Superman. I found $50 on the ground. He uses his laser eyes and disintegrates the other things. Now no one has $50.

Now me, myself, I would be like, sweet, $50. That's great. Lunch is on me. But then I would me myself I would be like sweet $50 that's great lunch is on me but then I would look at Superman and be like Superman we have found $50

we need to return this so she's going to be like Superman we have found $50 the night is ours you know we now have a responsibility to give this to I guess a benefit

of being Superman's pal I would become a better person I think that Superman's righteousness would... No, I don't think it would be either. Hot dog, $50. And we high five. Your hand explodes. My hand explodes and he vaporizes.

I think that Superman's righteousness would kill you. I think that within two weeks of being friends with him, you'd want to die. Why is that? Every single decision. And I couldn being friends with him, you'd want to die. Why is that? Every single decision. And I couldn't voice that. Because he'd hear. It's also impossible to break off a friendship with Superman. That would suck.

Having to be like, hey Superman, I don't want to be pals anymore and seeing that puppy dog disappointment. Then maybe he picks me up really high and drops me. Do I know that Superman can't read my mind? I don't think so. That's scary about Superman. Like every new pal, you're like, what can't he do?

Because I'm going to be like, I must have pure thoughts at all times or else he's going to kill me. Wait, can he hear me now? Oh, no. And I'll be smiling like, hey there, Superman pal. What are we doing today? Looking over the top of your cubicle at Superman as he just eats a sandwich.

You're like, you're reading my mind. You're reading my mind, you mind. You're reading my mind, you fuck. You're reading my mind, Superman. Like flicking like paperclips at him. Stop reading my mind. Another thing with Superman is that he often has Jimmy Olsen

and Lois Lane as his last two connections to humanity. So if you try and stop being friends with him, you might have also doomed the world. I'm not going to stop being friends with Superman. I don't think it's an option. Why would you ever stop being friends with him, you might have also doomed the world. I'm not going to stop being friends with Superman. That seems insane. Why would you ever stop being friends with Superman? Probably because his personality and your personality

don't match at all. How long into your friendship with Superman before you realise you've made a terrible mistake? Is it a year in when Superman comes back from, I don't know, fighting aliens in space and he's like, thank God I have you, Joel Zahman. Without you, I don't know what I'd do. you're like oh oh shit oh no oh fuck and then you become a big turtle or whatever that also happens to jimmy olsen i mean i can like i'm a fine friend

i feel like am i like more like perry white than like say jimmy olsen because it's kind of like that's more than my see being perry White is just the butler thing again where but I'm in charge it's just the butler thing but Superman's lack of professional like etiquette ruins your business

I would have fired him so long ago yeah cool you fired Superman that's probably well I fired Clark Kent I like Superman fuck Superman

coming back and just burning the daily planet why no reason burning the Daily Planet. Why? No reason. Jimmy Olsen, there's so many things that would be terrible. I think the best way to approach Superman is the similar way to being a butler. Friendly yet not familiar.

Superman's acquaintance. I have found on identitymag.com a job description of being a best friend okay so a best friend must be a therapist oh no hey I can hear every single

person's thoughts all the time can you I always suspected that's not a power superman he's lying to you at this point it's a game to him all human life is. I need to be his therapist. Is he going to be like a piss baby about Lois Lane? Oh, absolutely.

Oh, and Lana? Oh, and all the Smallville problems. And probably about Lex. Why is my villain bald? He blames me for that. That's annoying. That is annoying. That is the case in the Smallville continuity, yeah.

And in certain Silver Age comics. That rules. Lex blames Superman for being bald, and that's why he wants to end Superman. People are like, is it because Superman represents a larger-than-life threat to humanity? What? No. Look at this.

He made me bald, and wigs are very obvious. Get some Rogaine. Whatever. Wear a hat. Wear a fucking hat, Lex. Angry about being bald? Wear a hat. Wear a fucking hat, Lex. Angry about being born? Wear a hat. You bored under there, Lex?

No. Why are you asking, creep? Are you a pervert? So a best friend should listen, ask questions, analyse and provide life romantic career advice. So, look, I could listen to him. Asking questions is going to be weird because I'm like, so where were you? And depending if I know his clerk and or Superman, where is the situation here? Do I know he's both?

Yeah, you know he's both. No, that's worse. Yeah, that's worse because... Now I've got to keep a secret. I'm bad at this. Everyone's knowing. Absolutely. He's going to be like, I'm Superman.

Like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Cool, I'm a journalist. What a scoop. Imagine getting that text. He can't be... Guess what, boys? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Lads. Clark Kent. journalists what a scoop uh imagine getting that text he can't guess what boys lads superman i think has allowed one vaporization of an innocent and he picks you

i think that's the rule well this is if i find out i have a responsibility as a journalist yeah to report like to actually report the truth. Well, you're not being a very good best friend. He's also a journalist. He should know. You're saying that Superman should out himself as Superman because it's the scoop of the century. He finds out.

If he had any journalistic integrity, he would. He fucking doesn't, does he? He'd reveal all the super organs. He should. Yeah, well, he's not a very good best friend. Maybe not best friend, but I'd be like, why are you having a secret injury? Also, why are you writing so many fluff pieces about yourself? It's like I'm just reading 500 words of blank.

Get narcissistic. I think I'd be giving a lot of ribbing. Not even gentle ribbing. Just straight up ribbing. Superman would just be so hard to identify with. Imagine, I don't know, you've just been out. You like leaning on the roof of your car overlooking the city metropolis somewhere nice you just have one of those like deep meaningful conversations and superman's like i'm a child of two worlds i don't know who my parents are my whole planet's dead and you're like

yeah yeah that sucks you've got to even fiddling with my camera. I accidentally deleted a nice photo. Superman would be like, that sucks, man. You'd be like, yeah. Your planet's gone. Yeah. You're both imagining far more romantic situations than real life friends have. Just imagine a situation like, oh, man, Superman,

last night I went out, had way too much to drink. He's like, I don't know what that feels like. You're like, oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, fuck. He's like, hey, me and Lois are on the rocks and me and Lois have broken up. We're like, fuck, we'll come over, we'll have some beers. I'm getting drunk

off. He's not. I'm just like, ah! Superman! Show me! I hate this! Put a fish in them seas, Superman! I'm using my vaporizing innocent thing again.

I'm going to pick another one. Superman, show me your belly button. Do you have a belly button, Superman? If I put my tongue in your belly button, can you feel that? Then Superman puts you to bed. And you've done an atrocious job of looking after him. So again, yeah. It's also like the, oh man, I got so drunk.

Man, I took a great shit the other day. And Superman being like, what's that like? What's an so drunk man I took a great shit the other day and Superman being like what's that like what's an anus oh god alright Superman let's do it how long

are you a rude friend and ask about his penis yeah because I know that you are curious about Superman I mean I've never asked either of you guys

about your anus but you can assume that we have human penises I know that you have a different testicle than me but I've never asked to see it. You have offered to show and feel.

Yeah! And I keep saying no. And I feel maybe the same principle will apply. But you'd be far more curious about Superman. Well, of course, just like I'm curious about his balls, but I'm not going to say that out loud, am I? I would love to squeeze your testicles, but I'm not going to say that out loud, am I? I feel like you just did. I would love to squeeze your testicles, but I'm not going to say it. I think we all would in a way.

I think if Superman was at my house when he went to the toilet, I would put my ear up against the door once to hear if it sounded. Like it makes a clunk or like whoo. Like whoo. Whoa. He's just a guy. I reckon like his internal organs are so efficient that it absorbs all the nutrients out,

so it'd be like a big thud. He doesn't need to. Yeah, exactly. It's just dust. It's heavy. Heavy. Purified. It's heavy.

It's steel, and he just puts it in the bin. It's a paperweight. Does he sweat? Yeah, I don't know. He bleeds. What about the fact that, as Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen You're occasionally going to be the subject to Untold scientific experiments

I mean, that's kind of neat No, it's not I mean, like, what else am I doing today? Joel Zammett's huge today Joel Zammett's a dog man today Hello, Arf Arf Well, he's taken it in his tribe At this point, the first maybe two times it happened

Yeah, I'm worried Yeah, I'm scared But, like times it happened, I'm worried. Yeah, I'm scared. But after that, I'm like, oh, cool. What new thing's going to happen now? I guess that's kind of the benefit of being Jimmy Olsen is that you know. So if you're Alfred and you get kidnapped, you're like, Batman needs to bat 100 every time.

And one day he won't. Superman could. So if you're Jimmy Olsen and you're kidnapped by Lex, you're like, whatever. I'll be out of here by daytime. You're booking your lunch appointment. Texting Uber Eats. Getting Uber Eats delivered to

Lex's mansion or whatever. You're so used to it, it's not a big deal anymore. That's a powerful move. Ordering Uber Eats to the villain's house. The villain being like, I noticed you've moved your chair where you're tied up to your phone, but all you've done behind your back is order Uber Eats and then put the phone back. Yeah, I don't know, you've moved your chair where you're tied up to your phone, but all you've done behind your back is order Uber Eats and then put

the phone back. Yeah, I'm hungry. Okay. Sorry, I should have asked if you wanted anything. I just ordered. I'm sure I could just add it now. Yeah, I'll just call the guy. Yeah, it's fine. If I was Lex in that situation, I would just let you go. I'd be like,

all of the fire's been taken out of this. When Superman arrived, I'd be like, he's left. I don't know. He got a big burrito. I didn't want that bean sauce on the floor. Other things you have to be for, apparently, for a best friend. It's a cheerleader or a wingman. All of these are terrible things, by the way.

Saying that being a friend requires you to be a therapist is fucked up. Yeah, that's good. That's not true. A slapper is one of the headings. Huh? Can you read the description? You will like this one. A BF has the right to throw some cold water

in their friend's face when they are wrong and need to hear it. I just don't know if that's true. And also, oi, Superman, I was a dog man for a bit. You fucked up. Slap. Oh, no, my hand is broken. Superman's like,

And it's not even my fault. I think that says a punch bag next. And then the next one is a punch bag. Yeah, so... You've got to get it in return when Superman's like, Hey, you idiot. Slaps your face clean off. Because of you, you turned into a dog man,

and I had to save that. I had to cancel a date with Lois And it's all your fault I feel up And then slap and then I'm dead Head spins around seven times Yeah, like Daffy Duck Except for me

But your mouth He slapped the lips off my face Now I have no lips I chalk it up to another problem that he has to fix Simon, how you doing? Tuesday I was a dog man The other day I was big Now I have no lips.

Superman slapped my lips. All your fault. Superman slapped my lips off. I don't know. Sorry. Superman slapped my lips off. I hate looking at your teeth. Salmon coming at me like,

Superman slapped my lips off. And I'm like, Superman slapped his lips off. You know what he's fucking saying to me right now? Yeah, that's pretty rough. Salmon, what does the next heading say you need to be for a friend? A humiliator.

Because who else will let the world hear about the time your best friend peed in their pants while laughing in the theater? The world needs to hear these stories. A best friend is required to say, hey, this might humanize Superman. Here's the time Superman shat himself on a three-day trip to the moon or whatever. I'm imagining you being like a humiliate Superman,

put a whole bunch of laxatives in his coffee and he just dies because he has no anus. Oh my God. I didn't think this through. Superman's like, I feel awful. It's like, God,

I hope I don't need to shit. I have no anus. And you're just, fuck. Oh my God. You like playing sweet pranks putting all these kryptonite like

in his like coffee and whatever I feel very sick that's just poisoning what a sweet prank what a sweet prank I hit my friend in the head with an axe

prank bro who else you know will let the world hear about the time now I as a journalist have a very big platform

Superman's two friends You hear about Superman. Jimmy Olsen. A public figure. You are not a good friend to Superman. That wasn't the question. I think it was. It said, would you prefer? That's fair, I guess.

I think it said, is it better to be? Play back the tapes. Okay, so I guess I've got to make the decision. Frankly, neither sound good. But what sounds better? Can I be someone else's something else? Wait, got any suggestions? Spider-Man's aunt.

I don't even know shit. My son gets beat up and I'm like, that's curious. That's not my son. That's weird about my son. That's not your son. What? That's your son. Ah, shit, my secret shame.

Spider-Man's my son. I gotta tell you something. Hey, I'm Art May. You're my son. Spider-Man's my boy. Yeah. Yeah. But think about Art May's life compared to both Jimmy Olsen and Alfred Pennyworth.

Aunt May gets home presumably 6 p.m. Chuck's on murder, she wrote. Goes to bed at 9. Wakes up in the morning, does charity all day. Yeah. Your son comes in and is quite sweaty, but you don't have to worry about it. And she gets to say her favorite catchphrase, that's not my son. Not my son, not my responsibility.

That's my nephew. Peter Parker coming in, clearly had the shit beat out of him, walking up the stairs to his bedroom. Oh, that's curious. That's curious, but he's not my son. I keep watching Murder, She Wrote. His mom's dead.

His mom died in a plane crash. I look after him. My husband is also dead. Click. Matter, she wrote. Beautiful. Yes. Our mate just loves to say exposition to no one.

That's my son. He comes home late, damaged. Wait, he's not my son. I'm his aunt. Click. That's my son. He leaves webbing everywhere. Wait, he's not my son.

Sometimes he doesn't let me into his room I don't know why and I don't care I live in New York City Where there is a Spiderman My son whose name is Peter Parker is not my son And he sometimes comes home with webbing Click I think I've clearly picked the best one

So yours is no responsibility Dead husband though Dead husband he was weighing me down. I'm single and ready to make it. You loved him. But there's also going to be a point where you end up finding out that not your son is Spider-Man, and you're going to be kidnapped by villains,

and you're probably going to want to end up marrying Doc Ock a little bit. I guess there's maybe ten years left to live, this gal. Alfred's probably only got, like like five. That's true. Plus with the Joker running around maybe even less. Maybe two weeks. But Spider-Man has some villains that would easily well yeah. Aunt May's probably died more than Alfred. That's true. If you think

Aunt May has married so many of Spider-Man's villains that New York is basically a harem for her. She's living the best possible life. Every single older man that fights her son, sorry, cousin or whatever. Cousin May. She's like, I can screw that man

because eventually he'll try to marry me. That rules. Yeah, I mean, if you look at it, Aunt May is the one that's closest to death. I will fuck that man. I am Aunt May. You are not my son. Click.

Aunt May, stop sleeping with my villain. You're not my son. Click. Aunt May, please stop saying that. No. No. It's true. You're not my son.

You're not my responsibility. Leave me alone. I don't care. Go find me another elder man to beg. That's what I want. With no son comes no responsibility. Exactly. Uncle Ben died.

Who cares? Good. I'm Aunt May. It's my responsibility. That's great. You know how much dick I've gotten? So much. Life rules. Keep being

Spider-Man. Get all these hunky men in suits for me. Aunt May, your mom not. Well, I think we've found the answer to the question we didn't ask. It's a winner. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've

been also Joel. And I've been Jackson. Goodbye. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspance Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit.

If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time.

Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.