Plumbing the Death Star - Is it Better to be a Vampire or a Werewolf?

Episode Date: February 6, 2022

It's finally happening, the question on everyone's lips: do you want to be a hunk who wears jorts or a fancy boy who goes bald at the drop of a hat and can't eat spaghetti? We have special Plumblight merch you can wear and be the envy of all your friends. Also our garbage live show is still happening, much to my own disappointment. You can still buy tickets here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey fuckos and fuckettes, our live show in Melbourne on the 19th of February at the Comedy Republic at 5.30pm hasn't been cancelled and, I'll be honest, I'm a little gobsmacked. Genuinely shocked. I was that confident it would not go ahead, I had organised a weekend away with some mates. Look, I'll read the text, okay? Sent. 23rd Jan, 1735. Hello, would you and your wife like to come to a weekend away on the weekend of Feb 19 slash 20? The plan is to head down on the Friday evening, then back on Sunday. It's a walk to the beach, and it's all free. Our friend's parents own the house. I replied at 1738. It took me all of three minutes to make the decision. Of course we would. I'm performing my stupid comedy show on the 19th, but I doubt that will go ahead,

so put us down as a yes. Well, don't I look like a big fucking idiot? 20 tickets are left, link in the show notes. If you were holding out for the Melbourne International Comedy Fest to see us live, well, you're shit out of luck. We didn't even register. Practically forgot it was even happening. Fuck us, I guess. You're listening to the Sandspence Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, part one of a Plumbing the Death Star miniseries, Plum Line line the lion should not fuck the lamb i'm joel i'm jackson and i'm also joel and today we're asking important questions is it better to be a vampire or a werewolf so in twilight you are presented with two two possible warring factions warring factions

in the little wee town of Forks. Forks. Forks. USA. Where is Forks? Yeah, who cares? It's up in the east. We watched way too much Twilight. And somehow none of it sunk in. It's cold and shit. Yeah.

I was literally- I looked over at Zammett's laptop hoping to find an answer and all I could see in big words was Jacob Black. I don't know what's going on. Literally last night, me and Zamm watched breaking dawn part two yeah and let me tell you if i blinked i lost track of what was happening it was like it was great because we were watching it uh my wife was also there watching it with us uh we and jack were riffing we've been like why is this this and this like asking just genuine questions like this doesn't make sense and she's like are you not paying they they answer this in the make sense. And she's like, are you not paying attention? They answered this in the film, literally

maybe 10 minutes ago. Like, oh yeah, we aren't paying attention. Fox is in Washington. Washington, of course. DC. You can be either a vampire or a Twilight vampire. Yes. Or a werewolf. A Dracula or a wolfman. Okay? Obviously. And each one

comes with certain powers and certain negatives. 100%. Now, usually if we're talking about like the classic, say, the Hammer movie, Monster Vampire or Werewolf, I would always choose Werewolf. Yeah. But now we're presented with the Twilight. Why are you not picking Werewolf and Twilight? I picked that. I get to be a hunk.

I mean, yes. All right. Well, you know what? I hadn't finished saying anything. Don't worry, Joel Zammett. Jackson is so firm on the fact he wants to be a werewolf. So alright. Yeah. Werewolf, why?

Get to be a hunk. Mm-hmm. You are, well- No. That pause was so mean. I mean, you look at- That pause with both of you being like, how do we tell him? How do we tell?

But look at the- Like, don't I get wolf muscles? I mean, you look at- That was with both of you being like, how do we tell them? How do we tell them? But look at the... Don't I get wolf muscles? I mean, yes, but also if you're a vampire, you get vampire muscles. Yeah, but if I'm a vampire that comes with a bunch of negatives, I don't want. But look at the family of wolves. They're all hunks. They're all hunks.

I don't know. Some of their heads could be better. We're not saying they have their heads right now. It's Jackson's face. It's gotta be my head. I'm not kidding. But it's like, imagine if Jack was ripped and tanned to hell. I'm gonna look great, man. With my wolf body and my jean shorts.

The idea of you with pecs and a tan makes me literally sick. Plus, now my blood temperature is through the roof. Okay? I'm so warm all the time. Always warm all the time. That's bad. He's wearing jorts in like a mountain.

What I don't understand is, because it's not just like your temperature is like hot all the time. It's just like, I don't know if there's like a temperature regulation, because you are equally hot in like the peak of a mountain as you are in the valley as you are in your home as you are. So I don't understand at any point, it's like you just always say a comfortable 40 degrees. Yeah, I must be 40 degrees. Does that mean that in australia body temperature i

guess rather than being like the 38.5 whatever it's meant to be is just way higher than does that mean i'm like a 40 degree like in forks it's not a problem for jacob because it's so cold up there but down here in australia when it is 40 degrees do i just die well no because that'd be matching your current body temperature yeah but i, 38 degrees for us feels fucking hot. Yeah. Am I not gonna feel hotter? Yeah. So I just... Am I not just sitting here panting like a dog? Well, you're a werewolf, so that's fine.

Is it better to be a wolf when it's hot? I don't know. I mean, you got more fur. I mean, they're shit. Boys, I need to cool down. Take me in the backyard, shave me clean. And, I need to cool down. Take me in the backyard. Shave me clean. And wash me down with a hose.

Because surely you run real hot, so you kind of want, you're the opposite of a lizard right now. I am the opposite of a lizard. Because you don't want to be basking in the sun. You want to be cool. You're a husky. You want to be in the snow. Well, yeah, because, like, really, there's only two times that Jake has body temperature being too high plays into it.

It explains why he's always running around shirtless. And in jorts. And in jorts. Well, they give up on that. I don't know if it explains the jorts. It explains the shorts. Not the jorts. Shorts and no shirt.

And it also sets up the beautiful scene Of Jacob cocking Edward Directly in front of him And then So your internal temperature is 42 degrees Celsius So you're 42 degrees Celsius That kills a human being But not a me

You've had a fever before right That's like less than 1 degree hotter But he's a wolf man Jacob doesn't seem to be bothered by it Like, you've had a fever before, right? Yes. That's like less than one degree hotter. Yeah, yeah. But he's a wolf man. Jacob doesn't seem to be bothered by it. Also, I don't know if this wasn't presented in the films, but it is in the books, is that Jacob, when he becomes a bit more mature, becoming a bit more of a wolf boy,

hits a growth spurt where he goes from, I think, it's like 5'10 to 6'7. I'm going to be so tall! I wish they did that in the movie It's so sad that it didn't happen in the film Taylor Lautner would look As a 6'7 man He would tower over Edward I'd be a giant

That also would change the dynamics so much Because the whole thing In Twilight, anytime you see Jacob and Edward talking, Edward's like kind of- It kind of towers over a little bit. And you're like, oh, okay. And it gives Jacob like the powerless,

like I'm smaller than you, but I'm like an angry runt power. But if he's six, seven. He's like, I could just eat you. I could eat you all, Edward. I wouldn't even need to turn into a wolf. I can do it right now. I just gape my mouth and go down

but yeah it's so good that Jacob takes off his shirt and gets into bed with Bella in front of Edward and Edward's like at least keep your thoughts clean and he's like nah I'm gonna keep thinking about fucking your woman what do you think about that?

in the same movie she says she also is in love with me and also I give her a big... I mean, I assault her, and she punches me, and that's bad. Yeah. But then later on, when I say, I'm going to go kill myself, she kisses me. And I'm thinking about how sick it is. And you know that that happened because my thoughts were...

The movie kind of makes it seem like I was screaming those thoughts. Is that movie also,'s also like 16? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's an adult. Yeah.

No, no, she's not 18 yet. She's 17. You sure about that? Yeah. Her birthday. Yeah. No, the birthday happens later. I'm pretty sure.

Also 16 and 18. Not great. Not great. No, because it's not like he just turned 16. So the age gap would be less than two years. Yeah. Do we think if I became a wolf boy, because the wolf boys become wolf boys

when there's heaps of vampires around, right? That's like a response to vampires. Yes. Yeah. That's why there's all the wolf boys come in the last two films because they go wolf boy mode because there's heaps of vampires coming. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a natural response of wolf boys to become wolf boys when there's vampires. It's a natural enemy of a wolf boy to vampires. Or a shapeshifter, I think. Yeah, yeah. It's like a natural response of wolf boys to become wolf boys when there's vampires. It's a natural enemy of a wolf boy to vampires. Or a shapeshifter, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I became a wolf boy in the studio today, would that mean there were vampires around? Well, yeah.

It's probably going to mean that one of us later in this episode is going to pick vampire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You do get extra benefits in terms of your abilities. One, you do get to transform into a wolf, which is kind of great. That's awesome.

That's sick. You are very fast. I'm so fast right now. You are so fast. One, you do get to transform into a wolf, which is kind of great. That's awesome. That's sick. You are very fast. I'm so fast right now. You are so fast. Strength, you're just genuinely a stronger person. I think both in human form and wolf form. That's cool. Which is really good.

Your senses become heightened. Yeah, I know who's farting. Exactly. That's good. Basically- You're not asking anymore. Who farted? That's a thing of the past.

You know? You can see and hear things from miles away I know who farted in such a radius around me I can tell you

who farted next suburb you also stink to vampires so that's nice yeah yeah yeah good I probably stink to people too

you smell like wet dog wet shaved dog I guess negatives though on the vampire I thought this was going to all be good. Yeah. Well, first off, there's a whole, like, the pack behavior,

like the pack structure. So you do have to bow down to your alpha. That's right. Jackson already does that. Okay. Who's my alpha? I don't know. Anyone.

You're a spineless worm. If anyone challenges you about anything the benefit though is you don't have to think for yourself yeah that's pretty good fuck that's a win somebody tells me where to go I go there that's pretty good

you come into me you're like Jackson who farted in a 20 mile radius I tell you like that dude why are you my alpha you're not even a dog man I might be I haven't picked you however you do share thoughts with other wolf folks You can't keep your thoughts to yourself

which you might not hate but everyone's gonna hate Yeah, that's bad for everyone else, it's fine for me He's thinking about cleaning his arsehole with his tongue again Yeah, imagine Like it would be bad, but I could get it so clean I'm gonna try it i wish you'd never become a dog man jackson it real it sucks here's a question if i clean my arsehole as a dog you know because dogs will lick their own arsehole yeah does my

human arsehole become clean i would say yeah arsehole i mean say yeah. It's the same arsehole. Is it? Is it? Well, it's a wolf arsehole. It's the wolf's arsehole. It's not my arsehole. However, it's the fecal matter around your arsehole that you're cleaning. If I do a wolf's shit, and then I become a guy again, do I have wolf shit on my bum? Yeah, well, did you wipe?

I'm a wolf! You have a tongue. Okay, yes, I clean myself'm a wolf! You have a tongue. Okay, yes, I claim myself as a wolf. So then you'd be clean. What if I eat a rabbit as a wolf? Then I become a guy. Do I have a rabbit in my gut? A whole rabbit in my gut? I gotta become a wolf quickly!

Not really, what are you- Like a whole rabbit in my stomach is gonna be bad for me. That's a lot of bones. Oh, right, yeah. But you would have chomped it up enough and you would have, like, maybe it has to do with your 42 degree body heat.

You kind of metabolize it. Did you swallow it all? Because I would have sucked for the wolf, too. Oh, they are huge. I swallowed it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like,

that werewolf could probably do that because it's huge and its throat would be so big. Exactly. So then if I become me again, I got a whole fucking rabbit in my stomach I think it would metabolise

very quickly like you'd burn through it quite quickly but even as a guy? I would say well yeah because you've got the 42 degree

hot guts that's cool okay there's a lot of benefits to this yeah yeah yeah a negative though is you're gonna go through

a heap of clothes yeah unless I'll just be nude you become nude all the time. Or you take off your clothes before you transform. I'll just be a nude. Which Jacob sometimes does.

I'll just be naked. Or he's going through so many jorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just be like, I'm a nudist now for practical reasons. Yeah, just in case I want to turn into a wolf at any time. Like I see a rabbit, I want to swallow it. I think I'd just wear a cock sock. Yeah, that's clever as well. I mean, why not not go the whole hall i feel like this is more for others not

for me because if you got a cock suck on yeah you already have broken the laws of dignity well i i yeah yeah yeah like i feel like if a police officer is going to come up to you and be like that's indecent exposure you're copping it whether there's a sock or not. Well, then I just turn into a werewolf or a wolf. Eat the police. Is there a problem here? I was like, oh, I'm not a problem. Yeah, not here. Not anymore. The problem is I ate you. Yeah.

So, yeah, I guess you're going through clothes, but I guess you are a nudist. But again, what about going to the shops, though? Are you going to put pants on? Well, I just won't need to go to the shops anymore. I mean, why do you go to the shops for? You're not going to go buy clothes. Oh, I'm hungry, imagine. I become a big wolf.

I go eat someone's dog or whatever. Come back in, back to me naked with a whole dog in my stomach. Boys, take me to the ambulance. I fucked up big time. You say, Jackson, become a dog again. I say, I forget how. I'm finally saying the ability is gone.

Call an ambulance. I'm too scared thinking about this whole dog in my gut. He's like, I'm going to go hunting. All right, off he goes. Why is he running towards town?

Why is he running into that person's backyard? Did I just hear a yip? Oh, God, he's running back. He's crying. What's wrong? a yip? Oh God, he's running back. He's crying. What's wrong? Call an ambulance. I'm in trouble.

Doc, you're going to have to do the craziest surgery you've ever done in your life. Did no one take him? We go hunting deer. There's deer out in the bush. I don't understand. I ate the dog whole

and still wriggling around in there. Still a chance you can save it. It's barking. Okay? It's barking. Okay? It's biting my belly from the inside. Please call an ambulance. I may seem very calm, but believe you me, I am panicking. That's a downside.

That's a downside. But that's on me. Plus is you are immune to vampire venom. Awesome. So that's the downside. But that's on me. Plus is you are immune to vampire venom. Awesome. So that's pretty neat. Can't get turned into a vampire. I could probably like fall off high shit now or get hit by buses and be fine. No, if you want that, you've picked the wrong one.

You can do that. Why can't I do that as a werewolf? I mean, it'll hurt me. No, that's fair. And again, there's a scene in the movie where, not Jacob, the other one gets crushed. Edward, yeah, yeah, yeah, by a car. No, no, no, no. He's crossed off the car. No. You're thinking of Superman. No, no, no. movie where uh not jacob the other one gets crushed edward yeah yeah yeah by a car he's crossed off the car no you're thinking of superman no no edward does stop the car but that's not what

i'm talking about i'm talking about you see a wolf get crushed like as in oh yeah squeeze a wolf and its bones break that's what would happen if you got hit by a car too yeah that's that's a shame but edward you see as you famously just recalled, stopped a car. Yeah, that's true. And Bella's all like, what? What the heck? It's crazy that if Edward didn't decide he loved Bella at that point, she'd be dead. He'd just watch it get pasted and be like,

well, human lives mean nothing to me, so that's fine. I'm 108. You're basically like a dog I know. Yeah. Someone ate a whole dog the other day. And so the lion ate the lamb whole. Yeah, whatever. Do I desire to eat people as a wolfman?

No, you have no desire to. In fact, you're part of a tribe. You're part of a community. You would be very much probably frowned upon if you ate people. In fact, your whole- I mean, you'd be frowned upon if you ate someone's dog, too, I think. I think the whole ethos behind that particular tribe is that

you're protecting humans, so you've got a job of protecting humans. This has become a bit of a bore. It's become a bit of a chore. Yeah, you've got... You're not an alpha. You're one of the... And you fucking idiot, you picked the not-renegade one. Yeah.

But aren't I by myself? renegade one. Yeah. Yeah. But aren't I by myself? I'm just me. No. You picked the... No, you can't. You can become a Sigma male. I'm a Sigma male.

I'm a lone wolf. Okay. Have fun. Yeah, but if you are a Sigma male, you do end up getting cut off from the communication from the rest of everybody. Whatever. And they might want to attack you. Yeah, okay.

Because you'd be going onto their territory or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah they're very territorial yeah i can deal with that i'm tough i think you'd be like um i guess ran out of the like your territory yeah you wouldn't live in forks anymore well i'd come live here with you guys okay okay okay i don't think maybe a downside maybe an upside i don't know this is how what you imprinting. How do you feel about loving someone that you have zero control over? As long as it's not a fetus. I got some very bad news for you. It can, in fact, apparently be a human egg. You can fall in love with your future love's mum because you get a bit confused.

I would never know if I was in love with anyone. If I met somebody and I was like, oh, I'm in love with you, I'd be like, I... No, because you know it. confused. I would never know if I was in love with anyone. If I met somebody and I was like, oh, I'm in love with you, I'd be like, I... No, because you know it. You know when you imprint. Here is another thing that is directly addressed in the movies. You know. You know.

Well, but Jacob doesn't know until the baby comes out. No, but he knows. No, he knows. He's got some feelings for Bella because, like, I like her, I care about her. But he knows. It's not imprinting. He knows it's not imprinting. He knows it's not imprinting.

He, in fact, tells her he has it imprinted. Well, then if I accidentally imprinted on somebody's fetus, I'd leave for off. I would be like, now friendship means a lot to me, but not this much. I have to go. What's the baby's name? Renesmee?

Renesmee, yeah. When Renesmee, the freaky CGI baby comes out, you're like, I have to leave town. No, no, you simply act as, because again, you're like, I have to leave town. No, no, you simply act as, because again, you can't leave town because you have such a close connection. Like Jacob can't really stray too far away from Renesmee. I jump off a bridge. Because no, but then you'd be leaving the one you imprinted alone.

I set up a situation where I get hit by a bus by accident. You quote that, you mocks. Wake up back in Forks Hospital. Shit. It's just, you kind of act like their big brother for a while, because there's no romantic feelings there. However, they may develop later on when they come of age. Now, from memory, Renesmee comes of age because she ages quicker

than a regular human. Yeah. I believe it regular human. Yeah. I believe it's seven. Yeah. Seven. I'm like, Bella, I've got to look after your kid. Kill me. And, Bella, while I'm looking after your kid, I've just put a dog gun in me.

You can use that whenever you want. It only kills dogs. I am a dog. Anyway, I'm looking after your kid. Kill me. Kill me, Bella. I'm in a very fucked up situation. And also, the imprinting has the ability to change who you are at a core level.

So, yeah, you've got no control anymore. Because Jacob hates vampires. He always hates them. He's like, they are scum. But then when he imprints, he's like, well, that's a half vampire, and now I've got to change completely. So every time I meet somebody that I'm mildly attracted to, I'm like, here's a dog gun, just in case.

Everyone you're mildly attracted to, you're going to be like, are they going to give birth to my future wife? Hi, this has been a really nice date. There's a chance you'll give birth to my future wife. So here's a dog gun to kill me if that happens. Anyway, I hope to see you again. My Tinder profile is fucked up. Dog man.

Hope I'm in love with you, not your feet. Dog pin. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I went out of this Wolf Boy situation. Yeah, so the Wolf Boy situation, while there are some benefits, Hot Blood is pretty good.

Hot Blood, Hunk Body. Hunk Body, Jorts is great. I just think the negatives, I mean, look, they're very strong community, like you're bound very strong in that community. That's nice. However, but that seems like forced. Yeah. I don't have a choice there.

And plus, everyone can just like always know what you're thinking. Yeah, that is bad. That's no good. Which is no good, especially for you. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know your thoughts. The man with the terrible, terrible brain. I'm thinking, what if humans laid eggs?

At the assholes. And what if I ate those eggs? What would those eggs taste like? Would that be cool? Would that be legal? If you put on, say, shorts on my wolf form, and then I transformed back into man, would I still have those shorts,

or would they be oversized and fall down, revealing my tiny penis? Your tiny penis would be on display. Would my tiny penis be on display? And you just lean over like, yes, stop thinking about it. Fuck, I forget you can read my thoughts about my tiny penis.

I don't want people to see it. You're imagining it right now. Yeah, I'm imagining a version of my tiny penis, not my tiny penis from real life. Yeah, I'm just imagining what it would look like. What I'm imagining is circumcised. That's the only difference. What I'm thinking of is me as a wolf wearing shorts,

which is pretty cool, and then turning into putting the shorts down my ankles. And now my tiny dick is on display. And now everyone from town is laughing at me. And I was once before a fearsome wolf it's funny to imagine me imagining you all laughing at me for seeing my tiny penis

which I am projecting to you mentally so you are seeing it well I would suck if they saw my tiny penis Jackson stop imagining it I gotta tell you I've told you before we can read your thoughts oh no Stop imagining it. I gotta tell you. I told you before.

We can read your thoughts. Oh no! I just zoom in on my tiny penis in my mind. Stop thinking about it! Oh fuck! It's overpowering. My tiny penis is wildly uneven. Nutsack on the roof.

That's all I'm thinking about. Distract me! Distract me! And you're all like, Jackson, stop thinking about it. Get me out of the room. I have a square anus, too. Can you see that? I'm swiveling around. Why is it that shape?

Did you fuck a wombat? What the fuck? It's square. Who's always like that? I came out this way. Yeah, okay. Wolf Boy's a bad joke. So vampire must be better, then. Yes, correct correct so i would definitely roll in and pick vampire same same same just like the

because and this honestly kind of comes down to the poor decisions made by the collins versus what you could do if you took their good decisions and left alone their bad decisions, being a vampire is not too hard. Yeah. Okay. The negative of being a vampire is that you now have to feast on blood. Yeah. But you don't have to feast on human blood. Although apparently human blood tastes way better.

It sounds like you're going to feast on human blood, Joel. No, I'm just saying it is a challenge. It's not just like... Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, okay... I mean, if there's... I mean, there's people people aren't going to miss. There's some people in my life. I would call them enemies.

If someone eats the president... I'm just saying. Hey, Mr. Prime Minister, I'm hungry. Nom nom. Hey Hey Malcolm Turnbull How you doing? Yeah No that's fair

So the biggest downside Of being a vampire If you have very high morals And don't want to kill somebody Yeah Is you have to eat A human for their blood But you don't even have to eat them

You can simply just go to say A blood bank And rob the blood bank And start drinking blood smoothies. People need that blood. But they do need that, yes. So that's one option. Just eat rats.

That's the next thing. You can't eat rats or deer or pumas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat like a pig or something. Surely this thing's going to have way more blood than deer. Like a cow, right? What has the most blood? Yeah.

Whale? Mosquitoes. It should be like a little snack. You just pop it in your mouth and spit out the rest blood? Yeah. Whale. Mosquitoes. It'd just be like a little snack. You just pop it in your mouth and spit out the rest of the bug. That's not much of a snack. There's not much blood in a mosquito. Yeah, but it'd be like a- Suck it on a cow.

It'd be all right. Yeah. Make the cow skinny. Because I drank all of the blood. Yeah, of course. Now a quick word from our sponsors. Oh, by the way, we have limited edition Plumlight merch available right now

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behind JD, we have a Team Joel tee available, and for those of you who want to be your allegiance to. For those wanting to throw their support behind JD, we have a Team Joel tee available. And for those of you who want to be in my corner, we have a Team Joel tee available. Let us know whose side you're on, Team Joel or Team Joel. Available now at sanspantsradio.com. Get cool golden eyes if I keep eating animal blood, but red eyes if I eat a guy.

Yeah, that's a nice thing. I guess that is a rough thing. You can see just by looking at a vampire's face if they're a murderer or not. Yeah, yeah. Which I shouldn't be the first. Well, there you go. Genius. Into the sea.

Yeah, I'm a wet vampire. Yeah, so super fast, super strong. Sparkle in the sun, though. Yeah, who cares? That's cool. So you're going to be open about it? No. Well, the Voltari will come and kill me if I am.

But also, like, if someone sees, a human sees me in, like, sparkling. I'm sweaty. What happens? I've got a cool makeup I put on. Oh, okay. Every day from when you're in the sun? I love shimmering makeup. Yeah.

This is what I use. Yeah, I guess that's an easy way to get away with it. That's fair. That checks out. Yeah. Also, I guess that's an easy way to get away with it. That's fair. That checks out. Also, why am I hanging out with humans? Also, why am I hanging out with you, Jackson? Oh yeah, I'm a vampire and

you're not seeing me ever again. Why am I hanging out with humans? They are dogs to me. I live so much I was just going to say, it's just one of the elements. Forever, I guess, unless someone beheads you and then sets you on fire. My skin is like granite or something.

That's pretty neat. You're very cold all the time. Very cold all the time. That'd be good, because I'm hot all the time. Yeah. Cool down finally. You do get a superpower, too. And I might get a superpower.

Let's not forget. Oh, is it not a guarantee? It's not a guarantee. Some vampires are X-Men. Some vampires are not X-Men. Some vampires have them. Yeah. It is fucked up that to pick a vampire, you could also

get control of the elements. Yeah. I also get better posture. Oh yeah, that is true. Better posture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to manually breathe. No, I don't. That's just more for humans. Yeah, that's true.

Where's it going to form my own little vampire club? That doesn't deal with human shit. We treat them like cattle because they're pretty fast. And I'm hungry, and their blood tastes great. Can vampires eat? Anyway, yeah. No, I don't think so. Oh, no.

I don't know. No, because in the first movie or the second movie, they make a big Italian dinner for Bella because they think she's Italian. You laugh. That's how it happens. Fuck you. It's pretty good. I'm laughing, but it's still funny.

How do they think she's Italian? Because her name's Bella. That makes sense. So vampires, you do become more beautiful. Yeah. Unlike, say, like a Jack. Well, you don't get the growth spurt of being like a 6'7 mounted of a man. Yeah. Which, again, would be fucked up for most people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you do get more beautiful. Your skin gets clearer. I guess your hair becomes more voluptuous. Again, as I said, your posture gets better. You don't have to breathe anymore. No wrinkles. They're gone.

Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. I get fast, I don't think we're as fast as a werewolf, but we're pretty fucking fast. Yeah, very fast. I get to play baseball in thunder. Yeah, because you hit the ball too hard. Makes it crack. Yeah, yeah, that's no good. I would invent a new sport called night baseball, where we would be kings.

But you're inventing the sport, night baseball where we would be kings. But you're inventing the sport. Do you mind that you're stepping out of society? Because you will be stepping out of society. But only if we really choose to. Yeah, because there's ways around it. You've got like a good 10 years really where no one notices if you don't age. You reckon?

I reckon you've got more than that. If you just, again, move down. That's how old you are, though. Do you think right now? I mean, yeah, I guess. 30 to 40. Yeah. Yeah, you can tell the difference.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, if you're like 55 and you still look like the same, you're 30, then people be like, are you a fucking vampire? I would be like, no, I have a lot of plastic surgery. But then. No, because you'd look fucked up. You got to die eventually, though. A lot of plastic surgery. Like they're like, no, because you'd look fucked up. You've got to die eventually, though. A lot of plastic surgery.

Like if you're a human, you do. Then everyone that I knew, they would be dead. Fair call. And then I just started to make new friends. Eat them! Yeah, that's fair. Visit them in their last days in hospitals and make sure it's their actual final day.

As opposed to just going to a different high school, just go to a different job or something. Yeah, would you something Or a different university I wouldn't lie and say I was 17 Would you turn your loved ones into vampires? I wanted it Douche is thinking about it Yeah I guess

I don't really understand I guess the downside is you're condemning them to eternal damnation Oh you have no soul Maybe question mark Yeah it's unclear that's what edward thinks at any rate do i think i currently have a soul do i think i would be going to heaven regardless we do have is a vampire uh venom yeah so i wasn't that's intriguing quite clear, yeah, you can poison people. Yeah. That's cool. How like vampires are snakes? I was going to say, the fingernails and hair will no longer be able to grow. So I don't have to waste time cutting my toenails and fingernails.

But if I have one haircut that's bad, I'm stuck with it. And then I've got to maybe shave my head, and then I'm stuck with that. Every vampire is bald inevitably. That's so funny. I have a sweet haircut, and I'm like, this is going to be it. And I'm like, this is the fashion of the era. And then I'm like, what, four years pass.

So right now I go and I get a sweet mullet. And I'm like, that's the kick. That's the look. It's never going to go out of fashion. I mean, two years from now. Ah, shit. Damn. What if somebody went to, does that mean if somebody,

say, you know, the jackass prank where they get the razor and they go by and shave. That ain't coming back. He did that to Edward. His hair's just going to be there forever. That's so funny funny that means inevitably every vampire ends up bald right what do you mean inevitably well i just mean if you live a long enough time you're probably going to encounter something that makes you bald well potentially

or it's just more like out of your choice because you've been cutting it i don't know wait yeah that was a great like now let's say Encounter something that will make you more... Explain yourself. Fire or you get your hair caught in machinery. How many times has your head been on fire or caught in machinery? Not very long. I've only been alive 30 years. That's true.

So you think once it hits 110, you've done it all? No, but I mean 100, 200, 300, 400. In that time, there's more timeistically For me to lose all my hair I was gonna say Lice could be a problem Yeah But Lice aren't

Lice feed on Blood Which you got none of Yeah Unless you've been feeding Then you got blood of it Then you get Some blood in your head

And then you gotta shave your head And then all of a sudden You're a bald vampire And that's sick Maybe that's what A Nosferatu is Yeah maybe Just have Two bad haircuts And you're a bald vampire. And that's sick. Maybe that's what a Nosferatu is. Two bad haircuts and you're a Nosferatu.

Is this why perhaps a lot of the vampires, especially like the Voltari, have long, luscious hair? Yeah, it must be. Because they're like, I don't know what the fashion's going to be and I don't want to risk it. I don't want to risk it. You would just keep growing. Oh, you would just grow it out forever, right? It's not going to grow.

It just stays. It does not grow. You just leave it forever. grow so you just leave it forever yeah you just leave it forever you would never get a haircut no

but like I said inevitably you would end up bald but but it's the hair that you get turned with yeah

so you gotta hope you had like imagine your hairdresser by to mid thing oh no you gotta shave straight from the front back from the back

you gotta then you have to shave a bit or you wear a big cow so no one can see I guess you can just become a hat vampire yeah

the worst would be when they're like you've gone for a buzz cut or something short and then you get turned because you're not getting you can't do much because if your hair is like

you know Fabio length or like the Arlo length it's very much like oh yeah at least you can do stuff with that you can plait it you can tie it up

you can kind of do all kinds of things with it But like Buzzcut, you've got no option, you've got no recourse You've got to be like, oh I'm just a buzzcutted vampire Well, do you I work with beards as well What if you're in the 90s, right? I know

And you get that little Van Dyke thing going on Jesus That little thing there and you're like, oh no. Or worse, like- Pre-World War II. Oh yeah. Or worse. Or even worse. Forever. A little flavor saver.

Shave it! Yeah. No, but what if it comes back? It'll come good! It'll come good in another hundred years! Everyone will be rocking their Hitler. Lucia, I think you're on the wrong side of history. Because you've either got to be like, right, I like this facial hair, or I'm just going to have to be clean shaven. Yeah.

I think if I became a vampire, I'd shave everything off. Whatever. Get rid of it. Why draw it out? Let's get rid of the heartbreak. Because you know you're going to encounter something that's going to make you bald. Well, no, because if your head's on fire of the heartbreak. Because you know, you're going to encounter something. Yeah. Inevitably. Well, because if your head's on fire, you'll die.

No. Yeah. Fire kills vampires. Once you've had your head torn off. You've got to get your head torn off, then torn. Yeah. So I get your arm ripped off and put back.

I think you're fine. Yeah. You're hardier than a vampire, like a werewolf. Like a werewolf gets like a paw ripped off. It's gone. It's done. So I'm like,

I become a vampire. I make a big pyre of fire push my head in pull it out completely shaved yeah yeah eyelashes eyebrows gone uh i might keep them i'd maybe just there i'd probably go bald as well i guess i go clean i don't like myself clean shaven but i guess i would grow to love myself you'd have to yeah. You can't see vampires in the mirror, right? Yeah. Oh, how am I going to shave? You can't see shit. No, like, oh, yeah.

You're like, dude, I guess I have no sense of self. I got rid of all my hair because, you know, I was inevitable and Zamas just got, like, the worst half. Yeah, dude. Yes. Like, you just go to someone to do it. But then, like, how do, like do like i don't surely you wouldn't care because you can't see yourself and you're living for millions of years who gives a fuck

millions of years oh yeah yeah why what's killing you but you're not gonna someone will kill you yeah yeah that's unfortunate well i was gonna say that's the unfortunate thing about being a vampire someone will kill you but yeah you could be like 300 and time would have killed you quadruple times by that. How long until you're sick of it? Being a vampire? Yeah, being alive. Or being alive for 35 years? 10 years or so

from now. From birth. Yeah, pretty quick, I reckon. So 10 years from now or 35 years for me from birth. So you're telling me if I walk out into the sun, these guys will kill me? Oh, boys, I'm going for a stroll. Shirts off. Being a werewolf for the regular lifespan

is looking pretty good right now, boys, isn't it? Well, it's the guy who just clearly wants to die. Oh, yeah, I forget his name. He rules. He's a member of the Volturi where when he's killed in that final scene, he's like, finally. Because his life is hell.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good to be honest. I guess a good thing of that is that there are very, I guess, easy ways to kill a vampire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not as easy as, say, just stepping into the sun, but easy to be like,

well, I'll just step into like werewolf territory. Yeah. Tear me a sundial. Yeah, absolutely. That's your part. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Break the truce as well. So they come and hunt down your vampire family. It's good. Good. Fuck you from beyond the grave. Why are we being punished? Goodbye,

family. Enjoy fighting those wolves. I trained you how to fight wrong on purpose as a joke for me. Male vampires can still produce sperm, which is fine, and can still breed. Hey, guess what? Jerking off, still on the cards. Female vampires apparently cannot. A bit rude, but okay.

That sucks. Okay, that's super good. So you sparkle in the light like diamonds. Dope, dope, easy. Tight, tight. I don't really see the problem. There don't seem to be many negatives to being a vampire. Yeah, the sparkling in the light, that seems cool.

And is that just to distract my prey as a predator? Yeah, it's dazzling. I'm dazzling. A deer sees this and he's like, fuck. And then I eat the deer. I go underwater, shine like a vitamin D torch or whatever on me. The whale is like, fuck.

And then I suck the whale dry. Suck that whale dry. I got the stomach just fucking pumping with blood. You are a floated, crawling out onto the sand. I look like a blood clot, but a guy. Being a vampire is sick. I'm going to spew blood. Let's see.

A bite of a vampire can sever the limbs of an opponent. So I'm going to get bitey. That's pretty cool. But like, what are you doing with the time? What do you mean, what am I doing with the time? Well, I don't sleep. Yeah, that is good. Travel. Do whatever I want.

Stand underwater a bit. Play video games. Watch some movies. I don't get tired. Oh my god. I just watch heaps of movies. Just catch up on all of that. This podcast would be better. I don't know if I'd like to do this podcast if you were two vampires and I was a wolf man. Oh yeah, you'd be angry because we're on your territory

And I'd smell like shit to you It's like a lot of benefits Very similar to the werewolf We get speed, we get strength Senses again, sight, smell Hearing, touch, taste, it's all good Yeah But no soul maybe

And we are indestructible And we have regenerative healing Yeah And we're flexible Hell yeah Perfect recall They're fucking like The Ubermensch here

That's sick But I ever get hot blood A family can instantly Remember and recall Everything they have Ever experienced And gathered or learned Since their transformation

But I get jean shorts. Yeah. You get to go into bed with our girlfriend. You could just become the most learned person. You just flip through a book like, I got it. I know this shit. That's something. I get the benefit of dying

at a natural end. Yeah. Or you snap your neck at age 31. Pick you up by a wolf and slamming on the ground a bit he got too lippy the podcast got bad yeah uh in in terms of again lifestyle uh vampires usually travel alone or in pairs uh pairs there you go you two can hang out together yeah um beat up you there are exceptions to the rule so there are certain covenants that we see

like the Voltari yeah I guess for us as the two Joel vampires the biggest problem I guess is the Voltari if we fuck off they get like

pissed out off us they might try and hunt us down but at some point you think they'd be mad you were doing a podcast with a wolf boy yeah

they'd hate it yeah they would they would they would definitely would they kill me or you Yeah. They'd hate it. Yeah, they would. They would. They would definitely hate that. Would they kill me or you? I think they'd tell us to kill you. I just don't think we're... I think they wouldn't care.

Are you saying you're a vampire on the show? Nah. Is he the wolf boy that keeps eating dogs? Yeah. Yeah, rules. It's good to see, isn't it? No. What could you mean by that?

Yeah. And also we can, I guess, have the ability to be an X-Man. So you don't, as a werewolf, you don't have... It's not necessarily guaranteed that we become an X-Man, but at the same time,

the chances are higher than yours, which is zero. Anything is greater than zero, so we could feasibly become also an X-Man. Look, I'll concede defeat. It's bad to be a wolfman. It's funny, huh? Yeah!

So it's bad in every aspect except comedy and cocking. Yeah, exactly. I get to cock the two of you, and it's funny that I'm a wolfman. It's not funny that you're vampires. But you get to cock us if we fall in love with a human. Yeah.

But if we fall in love with a vampire, which I assume we would eventually do. If I try to cock you, I get torn to shreds. Now you're at our house, we're going to eat you. Hey, babe, do you need to be warm? I don't.

I'm going to eat you now. It struck out twice. I was going to say, we can still enjoy delicious spaghetti bolognese because garlic means shit to us, but we can't eat. So I guess we're not eating. Give me a big sniff. I can spaghetti cock you. We can spaghetti cock you.

I come to the front of your house with three big bowls of spaghetti. I go in wolf mode and I just eat so much fucking spaghetti. You turn back and feel so sick, but you've won, so you don't care. You know what you could do? You could eat a bunch of spaghetti in front of us and then lie down in a bed and fall asleep. And we'd be like, you piece of shit. We can never do that.

We can't ever eat. He's got carb sleep. I haven't had that in 45 years. I've never had carb sleep. It sucks. Except a dog that's eaten too much spaghetti. Feels like it will get very sick. Dogs eating too much spaghetti going to sleep.

That thing's not waking up. What do you think about that, guys? Yeah, it's sick, man. Do you need a vet? Yeah. Hey, hello, the vet. Yeah, we need to send a dog. Yeah, we need to send a dog ambulance. Maybe just bring down the put-down kit. I i think yeah like the only negative of being a vampire is um yeah we we can't

eat spaghetti yeah we can't have a sleep i guess we could lie down and close our eyes and have a think yeah into like a meditative state in many ways the same as dreaming yeah you can do like a muppet spaghetti eat where you just like slam it against your mouth and throw it everywhere. Or like an actor's spaghetti eat where I chew and then spit it out. Have like a spit bucket. Sounds great. Sounds like the ideal way to enjoy spaghetti.

You do, but they don't do shit. They only taste blood now. Everything's like coated in, oh yeah, it would taste bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh yeah. When Bella eats chicken, she's like, it tastes revolting. Exactly. No, I would miss it because it would taste revolting. I'd be like, I'm like, oh yeah. When Bella eats chicken, she's like, it tastes revolting.

I want spaghetti. I would miss it because it would taste revolting. I'm craving this and I'll have it. And it'll change my memories forever. And then I'll be like, if only the spaghetti was doused in blood and had no spaghetti in it and it was just blood. Then it would be so good. Then we go eat the owner of that dog

so everyone keeps it quiet. As you're drinking his blood, you're like, why are we still cleaning up for his messes? Yeah, and the only way to kill us is dismembering us, then setting us on fire. Which is hard.

Yeah, which is hard. Apparently if you just set us on fire, we can go for a quick run and that's where we're good. But you've got to dismember us first. So I think I see that coming. Someone's going to cut off my head. And I can die in lots of ways. But the way I'm going to dismember us first. So I think I see that coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I was going to cut off my head and I can die.

But the way I'm going to die is eating spaghetti. Yeah. Two days after becoming a wolf. I think of other negatives. Uh, being a vampire. Yeah. For being a vet. When you're a newborn,

I, when you're first turned to a vampire, you are the strongest. Yeah. Apparently you'll ever be an insanely hectic and want to eat a person more than anything. But like, so maybe when I'm 300 years old, I might miss that. Like I miss my youth. Yeah.

But then I could maybe, I don't know, eat an Olympian, get their sweet blood and maybe be good again. Quick blood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone's skills and talents and abilities are kept in their blood yeah well I'm guessing because they're healthier is all yeah it's better blood right

yeah or is it more like if I like I don't know drink like young child blood is that better for me well yeah that makes you young or whatever

yeah that makes you young and beautiful again well then I gotta do it you're eating children and you're like man I wish I'd become a wolfman like Jackson and he just pans over

to my tombstone in a pet cemetery. Spaghetti dog. R.I.P. Ain't too much spaghetti. Yeah. Yeah. I guess we get to experience a lot and be part of a lot of, I guess, history.

Yeah. I get to fight in like a bunch of wars. Yeah. Sounds great. Yeah. Witness like some like real good turning points in history. Yeah. That'd be like fascinating, I guess.

Tell you what, that sounds exhausting. I'm glad the spaghetti killed me. You eating kids' blood? Douching with a Hitler mustache? What? It was a different time. Yeah, it was pre-World War. No, you were born post-World War II.

It was a different time. I'm a vampire. You were born post-World War II. It was a different time. I'm a vampire. I guess the drama of dealing with vampire bullshit seems hectic. Yeah. Like, at least with, like, say, the werewolves,

like, they're part of the tribe, and because they can read each other's thoughts and that, everyone's kind of, like, in sync and sweet. Whereas with vampires, like, we've got one cunt who can read our thoughts if we've got, like, an Edward, and he can be like, don't think that. I'm like, I'm having a private thought. Yeah, exactly. About people seeing my tiny penis and me being scared.

And now you have to think about, you piece of shit. It's a fear we all have. Come on, you're telling me, look me in the, Edward, look me in the eyes right now

and tell me you are not scared of the townsfolk seeing your tiny penis. Seeing a little dick and nuts. Yeah, and then laughing. You know how uneven they are? That's crazy

It's so not good It's like two elevators Going up a high rise building But never meeting in the middle Never once Edward show me them Are yours good? Pop your little balls out

Oh my god they're perfect Why didn't I get the perfect nuts? How do you get the perfect balls Edward? Edward when I got bit by a vampire, I thought that my tiny penis and uneven nuts and square asshole would all be fixed. I was wrong.

This is bullshit. And you're reading my insecurities or my thoughts? I'm not saying any of this out loud. I'm just thinking it aggressively. And loudly. So that would be like an annoying thing. But what does that stuff for vampires? Just an annoyance? I reckon I'm just thinking it. I'm thinking it aggressively. And loudly. Yeah, yeah. So that would be like an annoying thing. But like all of that stuff for Vampire is just an annoyance. I reckon though I'm like I've had enough and I'm just going to go to the woods somewhere.

I'll be sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Video games are still cool if you're a vampire, I guess. Yeah, video games don't get worse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's not like too many downsides. Music's good.

I can just kind of do my own thing and become a bit of a recluse. Yeah, I probably do what Edward Does and listen to a lot of music Except not lame music I listen to cool music Yeah listen to cool guy music And watch cool guy films Yeah he's listening to

The Bussy I'm out here listening to The Offspring The Bussy Yeah It just goes and lies down In the woods for us Yeah

Face down Face down And has a Meditative stick Being a vampire is sick Yeah It's unreal Have fun down in the woods for us. Face down. Face down in a house that's made of thick. Being a vampire is sick. It's unreal. Have fun helping your family or whatever.

I'm listening to The Offspring. I died three days into being a wolf, okay? Let's be honest. Sick from too much spaghetti and that dog he ate. Yeah.

I ate one dog on day one and then I was like, I gotta show up to those vampire boys I know. I bet they can't eat fucking spaghetti now. Three huge bowls of of spaghetti i called fucking the greatest chef in the world gordon ramsay i said we gotta make the most spaghetti possible to fucking show up some friends of mine he's like done it's like of course jackson anything for you we'll get those

fuckers yeah he slops out some fucking like dirty spaghetti into like three dog bowls. Yeah. Yeah. Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. Are you seeing this, Jules? Are you seeing this? Can you imagine how good this tastes? You go to our mansion in the woods with our fucking floor to ceiling windows that we could just stare out of. What's Jackson doing out there? He looks very sick. Is that Gordon Ramsay?

He's slopping out spaghetti into those dog bowls? He's got like three dog bowls. Maybe we're going to see three wolves. Oh, he's just one wolf. It's one each for Jackson. That's weird. Cops are bad for dogs, yeah? I don't feel good, Gordon Ramsay.

Keep eating. He's dragging out a dog bed. Slowing down. You're a fucking disgrace. When you come to me and you say you want to eat some fucking spaghetti i expect to see you eat some fucking spaghetti god i don't think dogs meant to do this it's whimpering you're not a dog you're a wolf man don't make me crack my whip this truly is a kitchen from hell you do in the window like I don't know what the fuck is happening. Just like closing the blinds.

This is not about us anymore. As you curl up onto a dog bed. Gordon, are they jealous? Tell me they're dead jealous. Gordon, are they watching? Shut up. Okay. No. Now sleep like the dog you are.

How did I get myself into this situation? You should have called someone nice. Yeah, that was my mistake. Die in your sleep doing little stinky wolf farts. Little wolf farts? Disgusting! Turns out the person farting was you.

Wow! And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. and I've also been Joel and remember the lion should not fuck the lamb and this has been another episode of

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