Plumbing the Death Star - Is It Good To Be A Jedi In The Prequel Trilogy?

Episode Date: January 26, 2020

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Sandspan's Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. ask the important questions like, is it good to be a Jedi in the prequel trilogy? I mean, it's all right. Well, I mean, you get a bit of power. No. I mean, look, look. But all good things must come to an end. So you can't focus on the end right now. You can't be like, it's bad because I will get killed. I'll be killed by my good troops that I was leading.

Oh, man, a coup. Oh, a coup, yes. My point is that there is an obvious answer, which is no, but we're going to explore that. But you seem to think the obvious answer was yes. It rolls and then you die. Exactly. Because, okay, so generally.

Chances are when I die in real life, it's because someone has shot me in the back. No, see, because this time you shot in the back of the head, not because of something you did, but because of someone that doesn't like your collective group of people. Yeah, that's true. It's less personal, you know? Somebody doesn't order 66 on podcast.

I was going to say, yeah, plumbing the dev stuff. I have no problem with Joel Dusha. I just hate all three of them. I'm going to get them as a group. So we're part of the Jedi Council, presumably, in the prequel trilogy. Yeah. Joel Ducho, Joel Zamo, and Jack Bailo. Jack Som Bailo.

Jack Som Bailo. I like to think that you have those fancy Jedi chairs, but I've had to drag in a wooden chair from outside. And you scratched the floor. I want to point out that our names are spelt J apostrophe O-E-L J-O-L

J-O-L-D-U-S-H-O J-O-L-D-U-S-H-O J-O-L-Z-A-M-O Okay, so we go Phantom Menace, right We're just kicking it sweet as politicians Or not even politicians, we're like I'm so sorry Use the force you fuck with.

But I'm bad at it. Why are you on the council? Not all Jedis are on the council. You have to be good. Or at least not annoying. Got to be, you get what Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan did, which was shuff off and negotiate on behalf of. Oh, no.

Don't put me in their shoes, boys. Is that what?'re all about? That's great to imagine those Trade Federation aliens, they explain it to me and I'm like, what? No, so can I just stop you there? What are you trying to do? Trade embargoes. Is that what the role is of the Jedi in episode one?

They're sort of detectives. It's kind of like... No, that's episode two. That's episode two. Goddam it. Episode one, are they just... Foreign affairs ministers. Yeah, foreign affairs.

Are they like, what's that called? Are you mediators? Have I got that job because I'm dog shit at the force? Is that what they try to do? Is this the way to scratch the floor? It's like basically space lawyers for a bit. I think it's more like consulates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that? What's a consulate? If they run dumb as shit, what's a consulate? Don't make me explain it because I'm not going to be able to. If they represent the Jedi Council. Yeah. The Jedi Council are like the. Representative.

Yeah, like they're like the governing body. So like a face. So they're the face of the Jedi Council that are protecting a certain section of space. Are we like Jehovah's Witness door knockers to be like, hi, have you heard about the Jedi? Because we're not trying to convince people to become Jedis. Yeah, it's more like we control space.

Jedis control space. We're basically cops. Yeah, in this section of space, something skew-whiff is happening. So they're like, we've got to make sure everything's up to board. Jackson, I guess, you scratched the floor. So while we fix that, you're going to go down there

and chat to these gross aliens and figure it out. Scratched the floor, you have. What the fuck have you done? He spoke normal because he was so horrified. Fucked my floor, you have. Ages to clean this will take. Carp my floor, you have. Ages to clean this will take. Carpenter I will have to get in.

I'm sorry, it will take. He'll just like wave his hand. See how much that took from me? He just wants to chew me out. He knows I don't pay attention in meetings. Well, it's funny to think that if we are putting Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's roles straight away, the first thing they have to deal with.

Yeah. Jackson's dead. What are we going to deal with? Oh, no. Droids. No. Gas. Yeah, gas.

The very best thing. Dude, what are we going to do? I'm going to breathe it all in. It's good to know breathe it all in. Hyperventilate. Just fall unconscious and survive that way Okay well we're just going to use our lightsabers too That's great for the aliens on the other side

Just seeing you two and me unconscious How did we get one of you and not all three? We hopped in heaps of gas We cut open the door And then you're just lying on the ground And just a big fart I'm good again We just had to get out open the door and then you're just lying on the ground. It's just a big fart. I'm good again.

We just had to get out. Now someone explain to me what we're doing one more time. So we're here. To constantly unsure. We're meant to talk to the trade federation about their. Trade federation? Are these, these, these bug eyed cunts?

They're doing an embargo. I'll stop talking. They've blocked the trade routes to Naboo to apply politically. Help, I raise my hand. They've blocked the planet. Yeah, they did a shield. I remember the video.

Did they do a shield or is it just like many ships? Don't worry about it. I'm going to say it's okay. It's 3D space. It's not like it's a shipyard. What if, fellas? We're not in the sea. Excuse me say it's okay. It's 3D space. It's not like it's a shipyard. What if we're not on the sea? Excuse me. It's Star Wars.

They have guns. Excuse me, aliens. One second. Fellas, if we just say it's all good and go back and say it's all good, we don't have to bother with this, right? Yeah, the amount of busy work that I could not be bothered doing, the shortest, like, hey, trade embargo, whatever it is. They also get off the planet.

They get off Naboo in a little ship. Just put all your cargo in little ships. Yeah. Just have lots of little ships. So we're going to the Trade Federation. The Trade Federation, before they try and gas us, I actually have a conversation. We're like, guys, I'll be level.

We don't care. Collectively. I'm going to level with you. We don't know what's going on. Unfortunately, we get gassed before you even get to say that. We get put in a waiting room by a silver C-3PO and then instantly gassed. You know that scene in, what's that movie with George Clooney?

The Monuments Men. Up in the air. Where they try to take an assassination attempt on him and he gets real shitty. Good night and good luck. Maybe. And he's like- It's the-

Ocean's Eleven. No. It's Sienna. Maybe. And he gets all shitty because he's like, you don't fucking kill me. You pay me off, you idiot. That's my role.

Just how much corrupt. Should we tell the council? Also, my lightsaber comes out backwards. Turn it around. Mine's a bit floppy out backwards. Turn it around. Mine's a bit floppy. Ow! Turn it around. Burns on my sides.

I like Jaws. I hope that the force works kind of like a paladin in Dungeons & Dragons. Like, you go to use the force, it just doesn't work because you've been too corrupt. He didn't even become a seer. You go to move something, lightning shoots out my hand. Huh. What?

If we're dealing with the Trade Federation, are we finding Anakin? Because, again, I won't know what to do. Okay. So let's say. Hang on. What is the turn of events? Gentlemen in an unfortunate position where we are being forced to remember the Primal Menace. Okay, so we somehow get out of the droid ship,

and then we get jettisoned all the way to Naboo. And then we're like, dang, oh, this Gungan. Mesa coming with ya. No. Yusa saved my life. No, we're not saving his life. Oh no, he's getting Oh no. So we land in Naboo

and there's like big AT-ATs going around shooting cunts. Maybe? There's those big droid speeder things. Fellas, I say we go back to the Jedi Council and let Qui-Gon take care of this. We'll go back to the Jedi Council and be like, guys, we cooked this? No. No? Wait. We go back to the Jedi Council and let Qui-Gon take care of this. We'll go back to the Jedi Council and be like, guys, we cooked this.

No, no, wait. We go back to the Jedi Council. We say we did a great job. The Trade Federation have got this under control. And we give a big thumbs up. Jedi mind trick on Yoda. We didn't fuck up. You did.

Fuck up, you did. Are you serious? Serious are you? Yeah sorry Jedi Master I am Dumb fucks you are Yeah we would be like Because honestly Because when they get to over Tatooine

They're like our ship's a bit cooked We need to go for parts I know I've driven a car With need to go for parts. I know. I've driven a car with a flat tire for longer than I have needed to. Because I'm like, I reckon I could get it home. So I reckon I could get it home. We're not going to Tatooine.

We aren't going to Tatooine. We're heading home. And we're heading to the Jedi Council. Also, Water will be like, tricks don't work on me, only money. I'm like, okay. And then I walk to another shop and I'm like, give me your money. The problem there, though, is we never met Wado because we're skipping Tatooine. Chip explodes, Armadale are dead.

It's great to imagine we're like, that noise is strange. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then smash cut to us coming into the Jedi planet on an exploding ship. It's fine, Don't you understand? Visual force of motion. Guys, it's fine. We just gotta aim at Corosan and there we're good.

Oh my god, I'm on fire! I like the idea of... It's so easy. Guys, we're in space but we're being propelled forward. You go to jump to light speed and the ship will just explode. Go to jump to light speed but only half does. explode. Go to jump to light speed, but only half does. Back half shoots through the front half of the ship.

Crushed by the back half of our ship. We crash land into the Jedi Council meeting. Oh, my God. We're on fire. It's great to imagine just a calm Jedi council and they're like yeah well you know

okay so if we got to that part that means we did that in Armadala's shit which means that we went to Naboo and met Armadala

okay so did she survive I'm gonna say we have the force she sadly does not we could protect her with the force in a way she's

maybe lost a leg yeah oh no it's great to imagine She sadly does not. We could protect her with the force, surely. In a way, she's maybe lost a leg. Yeah. It's great to imagine crashing, getting out of the ship, Amidala's leg off, Yoda being like, complete the mission, did you? Yeah, your boo is destroyed. They're all calm, we're just freaking out.

Oh my God, the Queen's lost her leg!, my God. I'm still on fire, Yoda. What the hell? There's a second one. Who's this other person? The handmaiden? What the hell is this? There's two queens, everybody. Cloning.

Giving me this an idea it has. Then I guess we just sit down at the council. Someone gives us all, like, I I don't know an asthma puffer so how was your day obviously then eventually Qui-Gon finds Anakin and lets us know lets the council know

well presumably after what happened is they then send Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to actually do it same chain of events up until meeting Amidala because they don't, because we've got to. They come back with just Jar Jar Binks, I guess, in a Gungan ship. But I guess they also skipped Tatooine.

Guys, we've got to fix this. Did we stop Darth Vader from happening? Maybe. Well, in. But Palpy knows about Anakin. Yes. We've just let Anakin fester on a slave world as a slave for longer. So, whoops.

So we haven't prevented Anakin. We've just made sure that he's definitely bad. We've made it worse. Look, he's a bit of a sullen teen in the Clone Wars, but now he's going to be extra sullen. It seems like a lot of what the Jedis do in the original, the prequel trilogy, sorry, is just sort of discuss things and make plans, you know?

Well, the whole thing with them in the prequel trilogy, and I think this will suit both of you boys, is they've totally lost touch. Absolutely. They're completely irrelevant, and they're mostly just assigning their own death yeah

oh yeah and that suits us too 100% again don't try and assassinate me you pay me off yeah look a blind eye

that's what I do yeah they meddle in stuff that doesn't matter they just very high and mighty have lots of rules so Anakin is

oh actually counterpoint you'd hate it because it's like you're a priest. Yeah, that's true. Being a Jedi in the prequel trilogy.

Yes, because priests have definitely never done that. They haven't. That's true. Read a Bible. It's good to imagine. I didn't know. My primary school priest ran off with the secretary.

Not a priest anymore. Maybe I'll do that. Anakin marries a lady, not a Jedi anymore, but it's a secret even though everyone has the Force, so therefore they should be able to sense it. I think it's probably worthwhile to ask how the Force is manifesting in each of us and also what our lightsaber colours are.

These are worthwhile questions to ask. I have a green lightsaber because I'm good at the Force. Now, I like purple because I just like the colour. Mace Windu will not be happy with you. Mace Windu's going to look real shitty. I'm just going to be like, well, I liked it. All right, so there's a feud happening between Xamarin and Mace Windu. I like the idea.

Sorry, Joel Xamarin. I like the idea that Mace Windu just uses the Force, because the way that a lightsaber turns red is through, like, a corrupt kyber crystal. So you turn your purple one on and he just like flashes, like waves his hand. You just hear a crack

and then your lightsaber goes red. You're like, oh. Yes, he's a Sith. It's purple and occasionally, like you know how like a fluorescent light blinks? Yeah. But like occasional red. It's a bit of a strobe light.

Yeah. Don't look into it everybody i like to think mine comes out as a black light like as in a dark sable yeah no no like as in one of those ones that lets you see semen stains yeah that's kind of what the dark sable looks like i don't know why mine has this light yeah like a u light. Jackson, have you cummed on the side of your Jedi robe? Yes. How do you know? He knows somehow. I'm not allowed to fuck, apparently, turns out.

Oh, yeah. I'm breaking that rule. How? Who wants to fuck a Jedi? I'm sure people are horny for Jedi. Yeah. Guaranteed. Twi'leks.

Why them? They seem like a horny race. Don't they love fucking? Did I imagine that? Are you confusing in the original trilogy because Jabba has slave Twi'lek? No, I'm thinking about the dudes specifically they all look really horny yeah and i guess they're not sexy horny yeah they look like they want to fuck yeah i also might be confusing them with the mass effect alien race the asari or whatever do they want

to fuck they're real horny okay well that's good i'm glad that aliens fuck yeah me too imagine how sad it would be to find out that no aliens fuck. I can't wait for Blink-182's guy to prove that aliens exist and that they're horny. And that they are ready to go. What? Tom DeLonge. I'm not going to pretend I don't know his name.

So I guess Anakin is... We're basically making a big problem bigger because Palpy knows where Anakin is. Sure. So he's going to be like going to the dark side harder and faster on Tatooine. And that's just going to be ignored by us.

Which is great, to be honest. Anakin isn't getting married now. Yeah, that's true. Let's just assume that as Qui-Gon goes, he makes a pit stop to Anakin's planet, picks him up, brings him to the council, because I'd like to hear our opinions on somebody coming in and being like,

this is the kid that'll bring balance to the force. What kid? Anakin. Oh, balance to the force kid, right. Is that your response? You're listening to, you got your ear pods in. Yeah, look, hi, Joel Zambo. I don't know why we think we should be governing our whole thing

based on a prophecy. Yeah. Give him a lightsaber, see what happens. Give him a lightsaber, get Jackson in there, make him fight. Okay. Yeah. Anakin cuts my legs off. I vote no.

Yeah, can we veto Anakin Well I think this is a part of the game Where we forgot how the Phantom Menace goes Everyone does except Yoda Who gets the final say Except maybe Mace Windu is like Maybe we should, no Mace Windu is like no Yeah okay

I think it's a mistake, everyone's like he's too old and too angry Yeah he's a bit sullen I think I just wouldn't really care. What if we left him on Tatooine and then he'd just be forged through flames so maybe he'd come out righteous? Oh. Because he doesn't- Yeah, give it back to Watto.

Yeah. What? Papa Watto. Yeah. That's sad. He's a slave owner. Yeah, that's sad. Watto's a bad guy.

Hashtag Watto sucks. Okay, so then in the Clone Wars, obviously the Clone Wars are happening. So now we get sent to war. We do. However, every Jedi's a general. Oh, no. So I get to lead an army, baby. An army of clones, and their lives are meaningless because they're clones.

Cannon fodder. I think I get got before Order 66. My clones rise up because I am not treating them well. They are not people in my eyes. They are just cannon fodder. And if you're treating your army like that and you're the only person in charge of the army and the enemy, you're wearing a robe that that, and you're the only person in charge of the army,

and the enemy, you're wearing a robe that makes it very obvious who you are, the enemy knows that, and you suck at being a Jedi, because your lightsaber is apparently flaccid. Flaccid and strobey. So you glow. What do you think is going to happen? The moment the first wave happens. You step out of one of those big ships with the holes in the side. What do you think's going to happen? The first front... The moment the first wave happens. You step out of one of those big ships with the holes in the side. What do you think is going to happen?

I'm going to get in a bullet in the head. Yes, you are. Blast them out with one of your own clothes. Am I going to die like a war hero? No. You will be forgotten straight away. Not even close. Wasn't there someone that had your name too?

No. I've only ever won Jo-El. What about if I try and parlay with the opposition force, the Separatist Army? Yep. Remembering. You're going to try and bargain with droids. No, Count Dookums.

And I'll be like, mate. How are you getting up to Count Dookums? You'll be shot. Surely there's just not, there's people leading that. Yeah, but you can't just walk up to them. Do you think? It's like if I was like, dude, what if, okay, I'm in the war. I'll just walk up to Stalin.

Hey, buddy. Hey, I'm Winston Churchill. I'm just going to go, just walk into Germany, knock on Hitler's door and punch him in the mouth. Hey, Hitler, what if we just made. Well, the guy before Churchill actually did have meetings with Hitler. Yeah, how early in the- Just before.

Not while you're at war. It's kind of typically frowned upon. Also, the same way that we had a meeting in The Phantom Menace with the Separatists. But then the war broke out. We're sort of a little bit past that right now. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is all cranberries and spice but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts like maybe you wish dusha was missing presumed dead

and instead it was just zamit jackson and their good friends adam and cass immersing themselves in the fantasy world of dungeons and dragons and pretending to be elves or whatever if this sounds like you then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for dnd is for nerds our dungeons and dragons real play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be how can i sneaky get in there then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for D&D is for Nerds, our Dungeons & Dragons real-play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be. How can I sneaky get in there and be like, basically what I want to try and do. Betray the Jedi.

I can understand. I know, I know. This isn't a show. But I'm going to be like, look, you've got droids. I've got clothes. This is a never-ending army. We can die fat and rich because people are going to be sending money at this and we just take a never-ending army. We can die fat and rich because people

are going to be sending money at this and we just take a bit off the top. So Joel Zalman has become a war profiteer. That's not unexpected. This is where we assumed it would go. So somehow I want to orchestrate this. Look, we can end the episode here.

Joel Zalman becomes a war profiteer. You die with a gun in your bum somehow on a sand hill. You fall down a hill holding a gun and somehow ends up lodged in your anus, goes off. You're like, oh! You do a little fart and die. And then I try and do good but end up doing bad and I find myself a sith.

The end. Thanks so much. All right. You become a war profiteer. Yeah. Jackson. Yes. You've got a gun.

You're on a sandy dune. Inevitably, I slip. I'm like, okay. Clones? You can use the force. Oh, you choose not to. Clones, follow me. Hey, give me that gun.

Give me that gun. My sword only reaches this far. It's little. I don't know why mine's so much shorter than everyone else's. You're holding it the wrong way. Come to think of it, a lightsaber only does reach that far. A blaster or a sniper rifle.

I thought you were going to be like, lightsaber only reaches so far. I'm going to double mine. Now there's an idea. Joel Zavitz's lightsaber is way too long. We also didn't kill Darth Maul. Oh yeah, fuck. He's around too. That's okay. He can kill you probably.

Oh. Well that's nice because now the Seedpab apprentice and a master they don't need to go hard at Anakin so fast. Except the Dooku also. The rule of two, you seem to be loose with it. Just saying. Yeah, because Dooku is already a Sith when Darth Maul is a Sith, I think.

Is he? No. I think it's unclear what really constitutes a Sith. Let's go back to this gun in my bum. How's it going? Okay, so I'm like clones follow me. I slip down the sand tube. My hands are really oily because I was eating a salad with a lot of dressing on it, but I didn't have any tongs,

so I was just eating it with my hands on the ship. And then as I try to grab the gun, it slips out. More likely than you eating salad with your hands is you're like, oh, I've got this burger, but I hate this bread. Let me get rid of that and I'll just put it between my hands and suck it out. Sucking the meat out of a burger.

Sucking the meat out of a burger like this and then I grab the gun and I slip on the sand. Like a bar of soap pops out of my hand. I fall face first. My mouth gets full of sand as I glide down like a snowboard down the dune. The blaster rolls down. I guess my robe flaps up.

It becomes evident I'm not wearing pants underneath my robe. The blaster flips, flips across the back of my thigh. I like it, man. You slide down the hill. You're slowly slowing down as your mouth, the gate fills with sand. You slowly come to a halt. The blaster's just bouncing down the hill. Comes in

barrel first between your cheeks. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello there. Some kind of weird kind of sand creature comes up and accidentally pulls the trigger. Maybe as I'm like, what was that? And stand up, the trigger's pulled.

Like a little... Or is it like a womper rat or whatever they're called? Hee hee hee hee hee hee! A little salacious crumb, just like hee hee hee hee hee! It's good to imagine me just putting my robe back down. What happened? To the clones. Would you be conscripted

to be a general, or would you take the Obi-Wan route and become a detective? Oh, that's clever. Look, that seems like we're away from the war. Again, actually, no. He becomes a detective before the war. Clone Wars is between 2 and 3, not 1 and 2. Ah, that's true. Well, we have to

become a detective for a bit, then. Or can I just stay at the Jedi Academy and teach? Oh, yeah, that's true. I feel there's, become a detective for a bit then. Or can I just stay at Jedi Academy and teach? That's true. I feel there's like two paths for me, war profiteer or teacher. Do as I say, not what I do. Just like in real life. Podcasting is war profiteer.

Okay, so I'm getting a gun in my bum. I just realized, for us to become a detective with Jango Fett the only reason that Obi-Wan's a detective is because one of Padme's handmaidens impersonators dies Jango Fett killed her so then Obi-Wan tries to find out why

but Amidala is without legs She's got a sweet droid leg But she's presumably with the Jedi Council. Yeah. So she isn't. We're probably not becoming detectives, but Samet could become a teacher.

Yes. What are you teaching the younglings? War profiteering. Samet with the younglings. Well, let's see. There's no real, I guess, media to be like, right, try and do more like, look, we need a bit of PR for the Jedi. I know you're all four.

They've got Jedi holocrons. It's great to imagine you're like, right, kids, I don't know why all of our holograms are really glitchy and never get a clear picture. That's what we're working on here today. Yeah. Restoration. We're going to try and make this look good.

We're in space. We can fly cars. Why does this look so dog shit? I don't understand it. Sir, I'm four. Shut your mouth. Shush. We're having a discussion.

This is the first time I've heard someone say dog shit. What's a dog? What's a shit? You know what shits are. I know you know what shits are. Poodoo. You know what poodoo is. It's great to imagine Yoda walking past that classroom

and hearing that, but being like, you know what shits are. Every one of you knows what a shit is. Failed, I have. Sorry. What do you want to do? Okay, these are the dog shit. Sorry, dog poodoo.

Sorry. Panther poodoo. Panther doo-doo, I think. Panther doo-doo. I thought bantha poo-doo. Bantha doo-doo, I think. Bantha doo-doo. I thought it was poo-doo. Doo-doo, whatever. Either way. I might be wrong.

This is dog shit. So, unfortunately, this is a technology we've got to work with, so no matter what we have to do. Bantha equals dog. Yes. Doo-doo equals shit. Yes. Good boys and girls.

That's what the kids have written down on their notes. On the front cover of their books. So, look, this is Media 101 We somehow don't have a TV station Or radio No one has entertainment All we have is a dancing twillick That's it, that's what we love Dancing is our entertainment

There's bands There's recordings of bands We love music We love the genre jizz. I'm not making this up. Everybody loves me. Everybody loves jizz. Jizz.

Okay? So who here wants to be a jizz artist? Everybody wants to be a jizz artist. All right. Wrong. You want to be Jedis. Yo, get in here. These kids aren't listening, and I know they know what shits are.

Here's a couple of jizz wannabes. Maybe a break you should have. Mental health relief, I think, is necessary. What I'm trying to get at is that your communications will always... Look, here's a communication that was meant to be between two Jedi, but for some reason we all have it. So every single communication, just trust me, will fall into the hands of some cunt.

It's so funny that everybody gets every communication. So you want to put your best face forward, okay? Because for some reason also, we don't believe in editing. One take only. So now, everybody, I want you to practice after me. Yep. Joel, Zambo you to practice after me. Joel Zambo, we need your help. You're our only hope.

Okay? Joel Zambo, we need your help. You're our only hope. Okay, now get a bit of oomph to that. Joel Zambo. No, no, you've got to go backwards. No, you've got to be a bit more like you're in danger. Joel Zambo. No, no, you've got to go. We also said it backwards. No, you've got to be a bit more like you're in danger. Joel Zambo.

You are my only hope. We're in danger. That's all right. A plus to you. B for you. This class sucks. I wish I was at war. Yeah, I'm for.

Now, I'll pop up some instruments. Who wants to learn jizz? I'm already very good at it Hey plus for this handsome boy I've been playing jizz pretty loudly On my machine On my ship as we're flying into war You guys know this genre jizz As if bombs are going off

I don't know any other songs But damn I know that one Imagine like again As if bombs are going off. I don't know any other songs, but damn, I know that one. Imagine, again, just a lovely scene of a nice Y-Wing or whatever bombing this shit out of Separatist armies while jizz is being played. That'd be jaunty and fun. Imagine that. War would be good again. Imagine that. Star Wars, that was jaunty and fun.

All right, so Clone Wars happens. Yes. What happens to you, JD? So I guess I get conscripted. It's funny that conscripted for a second, I assumed like you're conscripted as a clone, not as a Jedi. Conscripted as a general, which is weird.

Hi, I'm a jizz teacher. I don't have experience leading an army. That's okay, you're going to stay here and teach jizz teacher. I don't have experience leading an army. That's okay. You're going to stay here and teach jizz. Hi, there's a gun in my bum. One, two, three. Jizz! It's good to imagine that after I get the gun in my bum

and it fires into my guts, I just don't react. I'm like, blow on my robe. I'm like, anyway, to war. And all my clones are like, are you okay? Yeah. I just fell over. Did nothing else happen? I don't think so. Goffin up sand. My throat's pretty dry.

I get those little droids that are constantly repairing your guts as your blaster intermittently goes off. Oh, my God. Real upset tummy today. They're just sucking that burger out. That burger I sucked. That burger I sucked making me feel real weird.

What's this? The bacta tank? Is that what they're called? Yeah. Can you spend a lot of the war in that? Again, I like spend a lot of the war in that? Again, I spend a lot of the war in a medical tent. But I refuse to tell people what's going on because I think I'm fine. Just an upset belly.

I've just got sore guts. I might try that. Do the Cash 22 route of just being constantly in the infirmary. I thought you were teaching jizz back home. That or war profiteering. I've got many options. Whatever is going to get Joel Zamba the least amount of work but the most amount of money.

Yeah. I like to imagine, Dusha, that you maybe were in the middle of trying on a stormtrooper outfit and they're like, all right, buddy, to war. And you're like, wait a second. No. And now you're on the front lines. With a gun.

Where's my lightsaber? Oh, man. I hope I'm not in Joel Lambeau's army. Just go to the front, you'll be fine, kids. No, that's easy, because I know how to solve that. Just shoot you in the back. I started Order 66 because I get fed up with you. You started early.

Palpy, like, Order 66. They're all dead. They're all dead. I reckon if I started Order 66 early before Order 66 was called, the clones would win. I like to imagine that you've misplaced your lightsaber so that when you're like, I'm a Jedi, they prove it, and you're like, ah, Jedi.

They're like, get on the ship, idiot. Damn it. I look different. I have a robe somewhere. But also, look, take off the helmet. I don't look like these guys. I'm not a pox tick and get on the ship. I'm not a Django.

Come on. It's good to imagine cutting to your lightsaber. I imagine it hooked in the back door of a toilet. Like you sat down and you're like, this is getting in the way. You hooked it there and misplaced it. Yoda taking a shit, looking up, being like, oh, no. Joel Dusha. And his robes are next to it.

I like to shit with, you know, a lot of freedom. It was hard. I had to get it all out. What happened? No. Because that means Dusha was like, I need Joel Dusha. It's like, I need to take a shit. I'm going to get the lightsaber.

I'm going to get my robe off. I reckon if I was- And then went from that to getting into a stormtrooper. Just opens the door. Someone's like, oh, I forgot my robe. Shanghai'd. Shanghai'd.

I like the idea. Yeah. Like, because Jedi have like, apart from you, Jackson, but underneath the robes, they wear like, there's tan pants in the shot.

That's true. I'm probably just wandering around in that. Yeah. That weird karate G. Yeah. And then you're on the front lines fighting droids. I'm like wearing robes. Like, everyone wears robes.

The clones wore those blue robes. Shut up and get on the ship. Yeah, but I'm not wearing blue robes. This isn't a clone face. I am different from these. Shut up, cloney. Get on the ship. I'm like doing the force.

Like, you're a special clone. I don't care. I don't care. I have so many clones to deal with. I'm not a clone force. Like, you're a special clone. I don't care. I don't care. I have so many clones to deal with. I'm not a clone. Shut up, clone. That's exactly what a clone would say. You know how many clones told me they weren't clones?

Get on the ship. None? Yes. That's right. None because it's obvious who isn't a clone. Because we bred them for obedience. It's good to imagine you on like one of those. Well, that's bad.

They've been bred for obedience, but then they've got me amongst their ranks, and if they think I'm one of them, and then I'm disobedient, then I might accidentally... I'm going to start a revolution. Absolutely. You're starting a clone revolution. There's going to be three factions in this war. The Jedi clones, the Separatists, and

whatever I've started. Joel Douche's fighting battalion. As opposed to what that general cunt has been saying, you guys are people. You ever think about that? You got feelings? Hey, you guys know I'm not a clone, right? They're like, yes, we are not clones.

I'm like, no! You've taken a motivational... Look at my face. Look at yours. Yes, exactly. Look at our faces. They're like, yes, we're all different. Everyone has a face.

No! I can tell the subtle Everyone has a face. No! I can tell the subtle differences between each clone. No! My name is Joel Dusha. Yes, my name is Joel Dusha. No, I am Joel Dusha. The Joel Dusha battalion. I heard there were a whole bunch of Joel Dusha clones somewhere in here.

I thought I knew a Joel Dusha, but I think I only know one Joel. So you told me he was a clone? All the time. He would complain and say he wasn't a clone. We knew he was a clone. We knew. We knew. All right, well, episode three.

I guess all the Sith shit is happening. Whilst we're at war, when does Palpatine, when does Sheev, excuse me, come to power? In episode three, so after the war. Okay. We're not dealing with any of that politics. No. We come back from the war.

Am I the only one who came back a war hero? Did you come back a war hero? Did I come back a disgraced war hero? You come back, well, we come back, and you're one of the greatest jizz teachers of all time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you come back with still sore guts and they can't fix the problem. Yeah, they said that.

I don't know. I wasn't listening. You've got constant nanobots at your stomach. My belly hurts like so much. I haven't shit in months. Just like an R2-D2 unit plugged into your side. I don't know what he's there for, but the doctor says if I unplug him, he'll be mad. And I'll die or some shit.

Anyway, what's happened while we're away? Anyway, well, welcome back, gang. My students are going to be performing the Welcome Packages performance. All right, and a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four. I like to imagine leaning over to you who's very battle-worn from fighting as a clone. I love this song. There's going to be people that are listening to this episode

and are infuriated because I counted into the same song in different time signatures both times. That's the beauty of jizz. Counted in in three,, 4 and 4, 4. Saying the same song. Look, jizz is about the notes you don't play or whatever. Jizz is about the jaunty.

Nothing but the jaunt. Okay, so Anakin has become a Sith. We weren't paying attention, but here it is. That means Mace Windu's dead. That's sad. We come back and he's dead. You can have a purple lightsaber now. I'm now using my lightsaber have a purple lightsaber now. Yeah, but he doesn't know how to fix this. I'm now using my lightsaber as a bit of a conductor.

It flops a bit, but it's all right. I guess none of us have, like, the emotional connection to Anakin to do anything about. I probably shot at him. Yes, that's true. During the war, you fought Anakin. Have we let you back in? I don't come back.

No, it's just me, and I'm like, I always knew one Joel. That's true. Sir, I think what you'll probably have is rather than face down with Anakin, you'll face down with me later on. Yeah, absolutely. I'll come back. The rule of two will be widened to accommodate Joel Dusha. Well, I won't be a Sith, because I also don't care about that. What is the Joel Dusha troops doing?

Yeah, after the war. What are you, retiring? After we won the war. Well, it's funny to win a war, because wars are usually over something. But we won a war over nothing. Frustration. Frustration.

Maybe you might have started a bigger movement. So I guess by that point, you't have any Like the clones aren't I've become like the clone liberation front All the clones are called Joel Duchos Which I'm like that goes against your whole message But that's fine All the clones have now become Joel Duchos And so they're now shifted off to somewhere else

And they're like You basically go and, um, Whitaker's role in, uh, you know, Rogue one, you know,

a bit kind of crazy. Oh yeah. I probably go back to what's a clone planet called. Give me, Oh yeah. Camino or some shit. Camino. Go back to Camino.

And then I'm like, this needs to stop. Yeah. So that's probably end up running a revolution. Yeah, so that's your home world. Which, oh, and I now control the clones. Now that you've sucked all the

clone resource out of the Jedi, does that mean the Jedi are now fighting the Sep- maybe the Separatists might have won. Because the clone- the Jedi don't have clones to throw at their army. No. So the Separatists attack them. But then, I wonder if. Because now the Jedi is now just basically the military. Yeah.

And maybe they actually have to have actual conscripts. Like actual people fighting in the military. It might be at this point that I flee the Jedi. Where I'm like, this is crumbling. As you run away. It hurts more when I run. I don't know why. We start making anti-war jizz

Don't go to war Anti-war jizz Being exactly the same as regular jizz Is really funny Whoa this is awakening something in me Viva revolution Viva stay at home don't go to war so yeah so i try and uh while you're doing a revolution of clones i'm doing a revolution in

in jizz music no just jizz uh and i like to think i'm getting away i like to imagine a scene where i flee the jedi council and you think i'm gonna get on a speeder bike but i get on a bicycle have we made the Jedi more useless? Like, because we've taken away- Well, we've taken their- I've taken their army. If you've taken away their army, I've taken away maybe some of their students

with the movement of jizz. Yeah. I've just left. So those younglings that get got in the end, hopefully at least maybe half are now in my jizz band. It is great to imagine as- That means Anakin's going to come back, and because you never left for war,

you'll have to fight Anakin before he kills your children. He'll be like, I'm here to kill the Jedi Order. We're like, but we've started our own jizz academy. The jizz academy next door. You're after the Jedi academy. We're just jizzes. We're just jizzers. We're just jizzers. We're just jizzers. It's so funny to imagine, like, Anakin

wiping out younglings and like the people in the Titanic who turn to your jizz band and you're like, one last song. Don't go to war. Jalzammet is run through after he bows for his wife's last jizz performance. Cut in half like Darth Maul.

That's the beginning of Order 66. They're like initiate Order 66 and my clones just turn their radio off. Well, yeah, they say initiate Order 66 and my clones just turn their radio off well yeah they say initiate order 66 and nothing happens there's no clothes it's just anakin it's just it's just a bunch of jedi being like oh wait the jedi will win because it's all of the jedi versus anakin that's true but yeah he's but he's very powerful in the force yeah No, I guess maybe not against all of the Jedi. He couldn't be Dooku. It depends what the Jedi do once they no longer have a clone army.

Yeah, that's true. Because, again, if they're just constricting, like, you know, Coruscant people or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if they're just like, well, I guess we're just forming... Or do the Jedi be like, well, we need more people in our... Let's just open up the doors and let's get as many people that we can. Yeah, a little bit force sensitive.

You can't have six sense about people. Have you ever guessed someone said pick a number between one and ten and you got it right? Welcome to the Academy. Welcome to the Academy. Here's your saber. Let's just like... It's great to imagine all the sabers are really little

because they've had to cut down on resources. Everyone's got lightsaber daggers. A big needle full of midichlorians just jamming it into conscripts, being like, you're a Jedi, you're a Jedi. But then who is in acting order 66? Palpatine. Palpatine's like, well, we have a lot of Jedi, but they're all shit.

Oh, that's true. Maybe the Jedi have just fucked themselves over now. Because again, if the force of the Jedi is like, say, a liter of juice, and it has like 10 people, so 10 people sharing one liter of juice, it's like, look, everyone gets a little bit of juice, but everyone's a bit excited. I can't remember if that's actually how it works in Star Wars or if that's what the Sith think is how it works,

but isn't actually how it works. But they've got... I like to think there's a juice reservoir. It's definitely touched on, and I can't remember why. Do they use the juice metaphor in the movie? If they're diluting, if the Jedi Academy

are like, fuck, we need more boots on the ground and they just open it up, then that juice gets, like, they just gotta add

a little water to that juice. I'm pretty confident that's what the Sith thing happened, which is why it's a rule of twos, but it's not actually accurate. No, okay. Well, either way, does that mean- It makes sense if it is the Sith thing for Joel Z is why it's a rule of twos, but it's not actually accurate. No. Okay. Well, either way, does that make sense?

If it is a Sith thing for Joel Zama to latch on to. Yeah. Does that mean order 66 just doesn't work? Well, they say initiate order 66 and nothing happens. Yeah. But the war might still be won by the separatists. Yeah.

I get order 66. Cause like Palpy's not going to be like order 66. Like the clones is there. Who stops the battle? Oh no. The battle droids aren't never stopped. Are they? Maybe they do it to be like Order 66. It blows up. The clones are there. Who stops the battle droids? Oh, no, the battle droids never stopped, are they? Maybe they do it to the droids instead. The droids that have already been shooting at the Jedi.

They say initiate Order 66 and they just keep shooting. Roger, roger. Good. They shoot better now. I still like to imagine Joel Zammett is killed. He can get me. That's fine. I'm not doing much. What I like to imagine Joel Zammett is killed He can get me That's fine I'm not doing much

What I like to imagine, Cross We've defected a little bit We had a jizz academy But it's right next door It's almost the same architecture Yeah, absolutely And so when that wonderful scene of Anakin In the robes walking up

He's like Well, he doesn't have troopers anymore Walking up, I guess by himself Yeah, alone And maybe some of the Trade Federation. Yeah. Battle droids. Battle droids.

A Gungans there. He's like there. He looks at the two buildings like, which one? I've never been here for a while. Fuck. Was there two? And then he comes in and we're like, which is humble Jesus? He even kills jizzlings.

So yeah Well I guess most of the Jedi Survive Unless the clones decide to turn on you No but they don't know Well I suppose they can't just turn off The radio He's a clone What ends up happening is I end up being the last Jedi

I don't think he'd bother coming for me You're probably Yeah, no, what ends up happening is I end up being the last Jedi. I don't think he'd bother coming for me. You'll probably just die of blast boards to the guts. Or alternatively, you're like, man, I haven't shit in three months. And then you take a shit and you just shit the gun out. Oh, my God. That makes so much fucking sense. You shit the gun out.

You turn around. You look at it. You're like, ah, you turn around, you look at it, you're like, oh, and then Grosov shoots you in the head. Your R2-D2 support bot is sad. He drives around a dead Jackson. He becomes the narrator of all further trilogies. I love this R2-D2 robot with erotic corpse attached to it Well look, if we were to be around for the original trilogy We all need to go into hiding somehow

So I like to imagine I cloned all of us I get fake legs Like the Darth Maul in the EU Do you mean like spider legs? Yeah, they help me jizz So, well, Darth Maul like spider legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They help me jizz. So, well, Darth Maul has spider legs for a bit, but then he just gets metal normal legs. Which ones

would you like? Spider legs. I like to think that I flee to Dagobah first. It's like, oh my god, stay here I was going to. There's room for two. I'm just very annoying. Just forewarning. I am very annoying, Yoda, so it won There's room for two. I'm just very annoying. Just forewarning.

I am very annoying, Yoda, so it won't be fun for you. And you, I guess, are leader of Kimono. Yeah, still on Kimono. But I guess we'll have to meet up on Tatooine to see how we go with the original trilogy. But that is a story for another time in another galaxy. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Also brackets clone question mark. I've been Jaxmo Bailo, general nuisance with a blaster on his arsehole.

And I have been Joel Zambo, master jizz performer? War profiteer. Slash war profiteer. Jizz player and slash war profiteer. Yeah, it's been good. Truly Jack of all trades. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it would be good.

I forgot to answer the question. Yeah, it would be good. It would be great. It would be good. I think I'm having a good time. Yeah,, it would be good. I forgot to answer the question. Yeah, it would be good. It would be great. It would be good. I think I'm having a good time. Yeah, the best. Thank you. Thanks for listening

and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at

GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses