Plumbing the Death Star - Is it Really That Hard to Capture and Eat a Smurf?

Episode Date: October 25, 2020

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Sounds Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey guys, before we start, I just want to let you know that Jackson has decided to take his good friends, Handsome Tom and Cass, through a carefully constructed role-playing adventure about a small town, an unlikely group of friends, and the mummy they have all sworn to protect, no matter the cost. Tales from Handel Creek, My Summer with Enkotep, is a love letter to 80s movies like Monster Squad and The Goonies. For the next month, we're premiering each episode on twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio before uploading them to YouTube. But if you hate waiting, you can grab all five episodes right now on our website, sanspantsradio.com.

Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the Smurfs. We're aware of these little dirtbags. These tiny blue motherfuckers. These three apple tall pieces of shit. Yeah, I know them. So yeah, the three things to know about Smurfs. Just going into this episode without any extra research.

Blue, wear white. Blue and wear white. So that's one that's one i'm counting that as one yeah that's fair two is they're three apples tall yep and three they're real motherfuckers yeah and as far as there's one lady smurf called smurfette and they've got that papa cunt and he wears red yeah that's it i know that's all you need to know about the smurfs to figure out how to eat them, which is the ultimate goal. Capture? Then eat. So, Gagamel's a bad guy in Smurfs.

Everyone knows that. He's famous for that. His motives in years have been unclear. Murky. So, as far as I can see it, from the tomes of research I've done in this split second between introducing the episode and me talking right now

is that originally he needed a smurf to turn lead into gold. They embarrassed him, so then he wanted personal revenge, decided he was then going to eat them because they taste good. Consumption is the best revenge, that's true. How does he know they taste good?

No, he doesn't care, it's not about that that's crazy this is what it gets this is what it gets here and then after that he's like i don't even care about turning things into gold anymore i don't even care about eating them i just wanted to destroy them but here in palm in the death star we identify that the best thing out of those three situations isn't gold or destruction it's eating them but those would be like thinking about it now that would be my my hierarchy the moment i saw the smurfs i'd be like i bet those cunts can turn lead into gold and if i found out they couldn't i'd be like well they'll at least taste delicious all right well it's very very so look they're three apples tall so that's about the equivalent

of a very big hamster or a rodent problem right right? So I think the best way to capture them is definitely going to be rat poison. I'll just like litter the forest with rat poison. That's how I'm going to capture them. But the reason rat poison works, as we've discussed many times on Plumbing the Death Star, is rats can't throw up. Can the

smurfs vomit? Are you just going to make the smurf village very sick for no reason that delicious smurfy powder it's making me chunder well no okay even if they can spew which presumably they can i choose to believe that smurfs can not only spew but can also get diarrhea so i think that the rat poison will just weaken them but then zam it yeah what's what's harder to deal with a man or a man that's shitting and vomiting and can't get off the toilet same rules apply to the smurfs baby imagine the smurfs diarrhea all over smurf village chucking up their guts and then they look at the looming shadow of

zamit with a hammer like we're done my village is over yeah quick question Quick question I didn't think it through for the second part Does rat poison affect The taste of a Smurf I mean I wouldn't eat Something that just ate rat poison It would probably make you sick too If you gave me a cooked rat And I was like how'd you kill it

Rat poison Here's this deer I got I hunted it myself using nothing but rat poison. You want some? It's great to imagine you inviting us on a hunting trip and we look in the back of the pickup and there's just rat poison. Are we hunting rats, Samit? No, no, no, no, no.

Don't you worry about what we're hunting. Smurfs. Joel Samit, there's enough rat poison in here to poison an entire smurf village i'll never tell uh is it safe to eat something killed with rat poison i just don't this situation doesn't come up so there'll be no literature on it because we're not eating rats, unfortunately. So another thing is I just wouldn't eat something that I know died whilst vomiting and with diarrhea. You washed the Smurf. Yeah.

But what made it sick? It's on its insides. So if it's vomiting and diarrhea-ing, that's a word I'm making up right now. Diarrhea-ing. Diarrhea-ing. I would be so scared that it would vomiting and diarrhea-ing, that's a word I'm making up right now. Diarrhea-ing. Yeah, the diarrhea-ing. I would be so scared that it would give me diarrhea. But in Zamet's defense, when I introduced the episode, I did not say, is it even that hard to capture and eat a Smurf and not get diarrhea?

Yeah, that's true. As far as we know, just eating a Smurf gives you diarrhea as is. Horrible blue diarrhea you're gonna get blue shits for sure like we can lock that in got the smurf shits boys anyone else imagining it up against a tree for some reason

it's gonna attract ants I imagine them being like sickly sweet like I imagine them being sickly sweet. I imagine it being kind of like steak that has been covered in a gumdrop rub. Like a Hershey's syrup or something. A really, really long time into the sentence to make me realise you weren't talking about the shit you were taking but instead the smurf itself and i was like i would never describe a human shit as sweet regardless of the circumstances but joel zammett is here and he's doing it oh wait no he's not now i'm just the madman thinking of it no no double down uh yeah because i reckon once those smurf shits will have a like they will

attract ants i reckon they'll be sticky yeah Yeah, I imagine they'll be sweet. I reckon you'll be shitting sticky. I think, Tamit, there's a bonus to the rat poison idea that you've not considered, and that's what loves rat poison the most? Rats! Rats! And children. Rats!

Who's weak to rats? Smurfs! Right? As the Smurfs shit themselves to death, the rats swarm in. You're standing there like, well, I can't eat any of this, but at least the Smurfs, right? As the Smurfs shit themselves to death, the rats swarm in. You're standing there like, well, I can't eat any of this, but at least the Smurfs are dead. Papa Smurf getting fucking devoured by a rat is so horrible. What a way to go.

Yeah, whilst diarrhea-ing. Yeah, he's diarrhea-ing in his little Smurf toadstool house. He hears like a tss, tss, tss. He's like, oh, no, lock the door. Then a rat head comes through the window and just takes a big chomp out of him. Whee, whee, whee, whee. Yeah, absolutely.

A lot of the Smurfs, they've got like Brainy Smurf and Science Smurf or Big Thinking Smurf or whatever. Thick Smurf, whatever it is. So they're going to be like... Fat Dick Smurf. Rat poison. They might be like,

oh yeah, the rats are coming or donate this as poison. They might think a little bit harder and be like, ah, this green palette that smells delicious but might be bad. They might have a defense, but if I just got a lot of bird seed and

scattered it around Smurf Village so that birds came, they will ruin their day. Smurfs are just weak to animals. I don't know how the Smurfs haven't already been taken off by a crow or whatever. What about a group of ferrets?

Yeah. What about one dog, dude? Well, Gargamel's cat fucks it up. He doesn't get all the- Yeah, that's true. Doesn't Gargamel's cat have the same name as the devil? Yeah, Lord Balthazar, I think, is the cat's name or something like that. That's a great name for a cat.

Mephistopheles, maybe? Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles, I think is Gargamel's cat's name. Anyway. Mephistopheles. Yeah. We're looking that in. Okay.

Are you not thinking of Mr. Mistopheles from Cats? Oh, yeah. The cat's name is Asriel. I'm sorry. I got it wrong. Mr. Mistopheles. Yeah. The magical cat.

Well, no, but that's also the name of the devil. Oh, no. Well, speaking of magical cats, I mean, the cast of Cats would ruin Smurf's day anyway. Yeah, that's true. Look, I think Gargamel's got an idea here. So look, even if we're going through, like, say, sure, rat poison would work, a flock of pigeons, I think.

I don't think rat... Sorry, just quickly, because I think that this will affect the rest of the episode, so I'll just quickly interrupt here. I don't think rat poison would work, because we're forgetting that Smurfs don't have rat brains. Yeah, it might not smell nice to a Smurf. Well, I mean, even if it did, we have to assume that the Smurfs don't think like brains. Yeah, it might not smell nice to a Smurf. Well, I mean, even if it did, we have to assume that the Smurfs don't think like Jackson

and if they found a glowing green powder on the ground that smelt nice, that they would eat it. Yes! I bet this is whiz fizz or some shit. It doesn't matter what I eat because I can spew, so nothing can hurt me. I thought you were going to say, it doesn't matter what this is.

Your famous catchphrase, this smells good. I'm going to lick it. It doesn't matter what it is. Not even any beginning or end, just out of nowhere. Oh, wow, it doesn't matter what this is.

Oh, I'm sick. Every day I thank God that i can throw up unlike my rat brethren so rat brethren aside yeah i think gargamel might be on the right idea how he's got like well you know getting a cat to hunt down these small three apple tall uh smurfs but i i yeah yeah yeah real motherfuckers maybe instead of getting one lazy cat maybe getting a lot of active cats and setting them loose onto the forest i mean sure they're gonna take down other birds and wildlife but they'll definitely get at least four of the smurfs here's the thing i think the smurfs and i may be misremembering the smurfs

that's possible but i think the smurfs have like a connection to the natural world. But if you introduce like a cat, like a feral cat that isn't part of the ecosystem of the woodland, then they'll eat the Smurfs like any other native animal. Then I guess you gut the cat and get the Smurf bodies out and fry them up. Or they're cooked in the stomach acid of the cat. A thing I think is a thing. Getting cooked in the stomach acid of a cat, I think that I think is a thing. Getting cooked in the stomach acid of a cat. I think that I think is a thing. That's our second famous catchphrase.

A thing I think is a thing. Can you just walk us through that thing you think is a thing? So acid cooks things in your head now? So the Smurf goes in the cat's belly, where the cat's stomach acid begin to dissolve it, then Zamik cuts it open, and then the Smurf skin's cooked. I think that's a thing.

Isn't that how you make yogurt? With milk? Where are you putting the milk? In a cat? And then you... What milk? In a cat? What? Here's this cat I'm torturing. I'm shoving milk down its gullet.

Don't worry. Wait 40 seconds and that bad boy's going to be yogurt. Put milk in a cat? It comes out yogurt. No, I think you put it in like a water skin. That's just a thing that I think is a thing. I think I think it's a thing. For milk and cat, get yogurt. That's just one of the many things that I think is a thing.

It's like animal rennet. And you make cheese. A little bit of like cow intestine or whatever. And you put that in milk and you boil it and I think that makes it into a cheese. Jackson, on behalf of me, Joel Zammett and the audience, what the fuck are you saying?

I think I saw it in a 5-minute craft video on Instagram. A 5-minute craft video put milk in a cat? Do you wish that you had yogurt but don't and all you have is this jug of milk, a funnel and a cat? No, they had like an animal skin belly, an animal's belly dried up. They put milk in it. They poured yogurt out of it.

I don't know. Are you thinking of animal rennet? And that's how they do make cheese. I've got no fucking clue, dude. Also, the stomach's dried out. So what's it got to do with digesting it even if they said they blamed the enzymes yeah that's animal that's a fucking animal rennet yes that's how you make cheese fuck i hate when you're correct in the most dumb fuck way possible hey put milk in a cat yeah yo get out too easy uh like you're fundamentally so correct but so wrong at the same time everything gets filtered through every information goes in one

ear my head's full of rocks that comes out the mouth so what about drowning them what about getting a big pool and yeah can Smurfs swim a lot? I mean, rats can swim. We're deciding Smurfs are a one-to-one to rats, which I like a lot. Same level of upsetting to look at. I think that Smurfs, if I remember correctly, I just had a vague recollection that I think there was one episode where there was like a flash flood due due to rain and they did not like that okay they're like papa smurf you know their famous catchphrase yeah but you gotta catch the smurfs to drown them first i was thinking what if i tried seduction on the smurfs oh yeah like you

know get like a rat and get some lipstick on that oh no i was it a little. Me, naked as the day I was born, or in a G, and I just go and sit on the edge of the Smurf village in a sexy pose, and I just wait for them to come to me. And then when they get close, I whap them with my fists. So this is, again, if we look at the one-to-one rat situation, if you have a rat problem, and you say, get naked, ldy yourself up in oil and sit there and wait for the rats to come to you.

But the rats don't, they're not sentient, whereas the Smurfs are. And I could be like, oh, Smurfs, don't you want the pleasure of fucking a human man? And that's something you can't offer a rat. It's exotic for a Smurf to make love to me it's not exotic for a rat well it is exotic for a rat but a rat doesn't know that's what's on the table i just don't know if smurfs fuck well they're famously asexual in fact i think the smurfs fuck a bunch well no because the smurfs don't like naturally they don't have a female of the species

the the female was created by gargamel yeah and then turned good by the love of the smurfs yeah come on jackson you're basically you're basically you're doing gargamel's plan of trying to seduce papa smurf but instead of making something that maybe Gargamel will think that the Smurfs want to fuck, you're putting yourself... It's kind of like if Gargamel was like, let's seduce the Smurfs, and then oiled himself up, took off his robe, and kind of spread-eagled

near the edge of the forest. And also, Jackson, if you're not quick enough, you might end up with a Smurf inside your arsehole. Oh, that's bad. Whereas I'm like lying there. The stories of like people getting eaten alive by rats. That.

Yeah. So it's like I'm lying there and the Smurfs come up just because they're curious little creatures. And then I feel one go up me and I'm like this has gone wrong and then I have to go to a doctor and be like there's a smurf in my guts weird question can they understand us how does size work in understanding

other people is this an insane question like we're kind of giant to them and so when be loud, I guess. When we speak, are we louder and in my head slower? Well, yeah, but they can still hear us. Slower?

Let's explore that. I don't know why. Yeah. So you're worried they're not going to understand us because because we're big. Yeah, sound wave is big. They're little. They work faster because they're little. Well, flies see the world as slower,

according to a science video I watched when I was in year nine. So does that mean words are? Because the smaller you get, the more different you perceive time, space, and everything else. Yeah. The more different you perceive time, space, and everything else. Yeah. If I yell at a hamster, what's the hamster thinking?

Fuck you, hamster. Hairy rat fuck con. What's that? Oh, no, Sam is just yelling at the hamster again. He hates that thing. What happens if you speed up whale sound? Are they speaking different? No, it's just going to be like... I'm wet.

It's cold in the ocean. Someone get me out. My song sounds sad because I'm always wet. Every time a whale beats itself, it just wants to get... It's too wet. Yeah. It's going to dry off. Dry me out.

Isn't that a thing if you record cicada sounds or those sort of insects? I'm so excited for wherever this is going. And you slow it down. It actually sounds really beautiful and kind of like orchestral music. Maybe. But a Smurf's the size of a rat. You can hear a rat. but a Smurf's the size of a rat you can hear a rat

on behalf of me and our audience what are you saying well also I think that everyone has lost track of how big three apples are that's huge I'm holding

a deodorant bottle which is probably like two and a half apples and that's almost as big as my head a little apple yeah but that's still like it's like an iPhone and a half yeah like that's not that much smaller than like a newborn baby

so it couldn't go up me I mean it could right looping back yeah it would be able to get into your arsehole like a rat could. Okay. Well, that's pretty good then. And also, I just looked it up and the Smurfs were turned on, all except for Papa Smurf, by Smurfette. Which means they do experience some level of sexual attraction.

Well, yes. Towards Smurfette. Towards a Smurf who is their size and looks like a Smurf. You are a dumpy potato man. I'll get one kinky little Smurf. One kinky little Smurf that's like, I want to try that white meat. Let me have some. Okay.

Let's say elephants have a level of sentience and like sapience where they can communicate with us beginning to any sentence i'm so excited you know the answer is yes like how do we get rid of that human problem and the elephant equivalent of jackson is like i know what i'll do yeah i'll go to the edge of a city and dress up in a g and let as soon as one of them gets close to want to fuck me i'll kill it are you telling me that if there was an elephant at the edge of a village and it was like one of you lucky human beings will get to pound this cake we are of the same level of sentience that i am not going up to the edge of the village and being like, I will take this for the team, for humanity. And they're getting whacked in the head by the elephant's face.

Trunk. You're like, I'm sacrificing myself for humanity, even though this started as like, one of you gets the opportunity. You're like, don't worry, guys. I'll take one for the team. I'll do it. Everyone's like, no, Jackson, I'll do it. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

No one is putting up their hand for that there's no second guy i know everyone's arguing about who gets to slam these elephant cheeks but look i'll i'll do it i'll do it i'll do it i'm i've taken it you can start building the statue to me now jackson elephant fucker bailey um he fucked that elephant to the left town yeah um but also like we've taken into consideration sound and i guess stuff like sound and how they're perceiving the world because they're smaller but one thing we should probably take into consideration is smell because that will definitely be bad for them so jackson your filthy anus will probably not be appealing to them that's true they'll die they'll just die when the smell of my unwashed body reaches smurf village it's great to imagine that's your plan

i like to i like to imagine i'm like lying there waiting for the smurfs to come but they don't get seduced and i go to sleep and papa smurf just comes and sticks a spear up my nose and kills me. Lobotomy. We can eat for weeks, Smurfs. Yeah. Well, okay. So my plan fell through. What about, again, I like the idea of drowning the Smurfs.

But what about in something thick, like honey? What about a lot of beehives that we can throw at the Smurfs, but what about something thick like honey? What about a lot of beehives that we can throw at the Smurfs, which A, will hopefully drown them with the honey, and B, bees. Delicious honeyed Smurf. Oh, and bees, yes. Okay, so the thing that may I think of. Oh, and honeyed Smurf.

Effective. Hey, there we go. That's a basting. Yeah. Oh, that's like a threefer. It's good. The only thing that I think will stop you is Smurfs are very one with nature So I don't think that bees would phase them

In fact What about wild hornets that I've imported from a different country that are problematic So are they laying eggs in the Smurfs? Because then we can't eat them Well, we can, but we shouldn't Hey, if we got a threefer Oh, we go through parasites oh again you can't you're gonna be like oh parents okay if we're gonna get rid of the natural world may i suggest concrete so we get a like a concrete mixer truck or whatever upended onto the smurf village can't

eat them because they're covered in concrete well you could just i guess like logging debasing the smurfs doesn't make i guess makes them more depressed so they might be easier to catch yeah yeah you can't if you okay so if you're covering the smurf village in concrete presumably the smurfs run away because concrete isn't famously doesn't fall quick yeah yeah but they run away that's all right they'reased, so maybe you're able to just hunt them down one by one. But if we lock them, cut down their mushrooms? No, like the surrounding forests

and kind of make it real sad for them. Wreck their natural environment, like we're doing to the orangutans. We're orangutanging you little motherfuckers is what we'll yell from our trucks. What about this? Do we have access to Gargamel's magic?

Let's say yes. I'll say yeah, or at least we have access to Gargamel. He's come to us, the three boys, is this like, hey? I've got $10. I know it's usually $5. I know it's usually $5 to kill a boy. But if I give you $10, can you you will you count me eat smurfs and we'll like let's call it five and we get some too um yeah well then what if i use gargamel's magic to make me the size of a smurf or even turn me into a smurf and then I just cannibalize the smurfs.

Then it's an even playing field. The smurfs from eating you. Wait! New plan! I turn myself into a smurf, eat myself. There we go! You've captured zero smurfs and eaten yourself. I am a smurf now!

Consume myself from the legs up! Technically is correct. He did eat a smurf.. Consume myself from the legs up. Technically is correct. He did eat a Smurf. He didn't capture any, though. Put myself in a net, whatever. Also, I believe the question said the Smurfs. Damn, okay. All right, all right.

But you do have the only plan so far that's killed one of us, Jackson. So that's pretty impressive. Thank you. What about... I just want to try and, like, popcorn chicken them somehow. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's clever. But I think, look, I think that we've all kind of touched on natural disasters,

but I think there's one big one that we've missed out and one that I think Smurfs will be defenseless against. A forest fire. Oh, that's true. Crispy. Cooks them. Hard to escape. If they do escape, the smoke will get them.

If the smoke gets them, then they're smoked Smurfs. Either way, I can still eat them. You just suck the meat off their bones. They're too charred, though. It's like ruined meat. I think a good way of doing it. You can peel them. I mean, I guess, but it's still not going to be great. I reckon a good way is to set up

some kind of... You've got to be great. I reckon a good way is to set up some kind of, you've got to trick them. So how about I propose the Plumbing Boys Smurf Only Day Spa, and we have different stations. And the one where, like, come in here, it'll be really nice. It's like a pool. Ah, crab logic.

It'll be filled with raw eggs. Crab logic, okay. And so it'll be like, the egg is really good. It's really good for your skin. It softens it up. So just roll around in that. They go into that one, and then we go right, now the next station

is an exfoliation station. Ashton's breadcrumbs, baby. And then they roll around in the breadcrumbs. Then the last one's a deep-fried spa? Well, no. Now that you've exfoliated, we've got to get you back into the egg wash. Oh, right. Of course. Because you've got to double batter them.

Then the last one, it's like, and now it is a wonderfully delicious spa that's really warm. You go in there and the nice oil vapors will feel really good once again on your skin and then when they're there we prod them with a finger, they go in

delicious deep fried slur in my mouth, yummer Bones and all, can I suggest Yeah, gotta de-feather and crumb those bear boys I said crab logic because I thought you were going to trick them into a spa and slowly turn the heat up Oh,'s clever yeah i don't know if that will work like lobsters but uh maybe it will can i suggest an alternative to the i like the spa beginning

but i say we build the spa on top of me and then instead of instead of a spa it's just like a hole in the floor where my mouth is that is open gaping full of water? and I just swallow them down like a pill I can't swallow tablets oh no you have a big personal problem where you can't swallow tablets

oh no I'm just going to gag up the Smurfs we'll give them a Smurf we'll shove them in a ravioli hop in the little ravioli smurf this is for no reason and i'm like thank you and i pop it down and i go don't get to taste either of them that's that's the great tragedy of eating smurfs this way um surely the fact that we now have access to gargamel's magic means that this should be easier for us maybe well i mean gargamel has access to gargamel's magic and it's should be easier for us maybe well i mean gargamel has

access to gargamel's magic and it's done sweet fuck all for that guy but he's he's a moron he's a fool he's stupid and ugly that is true he's too consumed by hatred we're just hungry we've paid five bucks that's our that's the carrot in front of this mule Absolutely I mean you gotta be I think really you just gotta be quick with it Well you've gotta kill Okay so if you're gonna take down Smurfs as a whole You gotta start with Papa Smurf Because he's the only one who's like a real threat

Nah you got two You got Papa Smurf but you got Brainy Smurf True No one listens to Brainy Smurf That's true You don't need to get him out. Oh, wait, guys. The most obvious response.

We've got magic. Okay, so step one. We've got our magic now. Step two. We do a little spell. Step three. Monty Python foot. Comes down, crushes them.

Perfect. Ministry of silly walks, bitch. Dead Smurfs. We peel them off the foot and eat them yeah they're just flattened like pancakes yeah have them for breakfast chuck some ice cream and maple syrup on top i'm just in honey don't know where my brain was going there what if we what if we just like gain the trust of the smurfs why don't we make it a long con hi i'm jackson bailey i'm here to befriend smurf village you didn't want to fuck me? You didn't go inside me?

That's cool. Let's be pals. And then slowly over time, maybe they age and die, and I eat them from the cemetery or whatever. Like a ghoul. Some kind of Smurf ghoul. All right. Well, I was thinking this is a good way of getting their trust

and maybe trying to ruin them from the inside out. So you have someone like Clumsy Smurf, who's someone who's really easy a fall guy. So you can try and turn the rest of the village onto Clumsy Smurf. I think getting, say, Grouchy Smurf and Hefty Smurf. Hefty Smurf and Grouchy Smurf, I think that'd be really easy to get on site to say bully Clumsy Smurf. Okay.

I think if we go back to your idea of we get Gargamel Magic and, like, all smurfe-ify us, so we're there and we're like, hey, we're the idiot smurfs. We're like, hi, we're, and we all say dumb fuck smurf at the same time. Wait, we can't all be dumb fuck smurfs. We're the dumb fuck triplet Smurfs. How come you guys look nothing alike? Shut up!

Where are your fucking Smurf berries? You little motherfuckers. Maybe we get ostracized. I think it's easy to like, yeah, because a clumsy Smurf, he's annoying, he's stupid, he's always tripping over everything.

So he'd be very, very easy to get ostracized. So I think we can definitely get grouchy and hefty. Those are our two main Smurfs that we've got to get on site. So when they get on our side and we bully the shit out of clumsy Smurf, and next comes brainy Smurf, because that's just like

real easy to bully, right? That big nerd. We got him. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on.

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I think the problem is, Sam, at the moment we go in as Smurfs, you're right, we'll be lightning rods for all Smurf hate. No way will they be mad at Clumsy when they have the three dumb fuck Smurfs to deal with. Dumb shit, dumb fucking dumb cunt.

The three Smurfs. They don't even put Smurf at the end of our names. So rude. Well, Smurfberries, what if we just take their main food source starve them out smoke them out also maybe like rabbits they don't live in a borough never mind also um i tried smoking them out apparently wrecks their taste so yeah you said a forest fire. That's slightly different. Smoking them out, forest fire. You say tomato, I say it's the same.

A couple of other things that we haven't tried. One, hand grenade. Yeah, for sure. I was thinking shotgun also. Shotgun, good. So you just go above a Smurf's mushroom house and blast down. Look, going through some of the Smurfs, I guess, who populate Smurf Village. Now, there is something called a

Sneezy Smurf. So if we could introduce some kind of, I don't know, pathogen to Smurf Village. Plague the Smurfs. Plague them out. Would that be good eating? No. Once again, we've spoiled our food. Well, I was thinking.

Don't think of like introducing some kind of pandemic. Oh, yeah. Whether it be a Smurf specific drug or maybe just give them alcohol. What about Snorks? You know the Snorks? Underwater Smurfs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always look like they'd be easy to kill.

Like grab their little snorkel and blow in it. Well, I was just thinking if we introduce Snorks to the Smurf village, will it be a cane toad situation? Or cut out the middleman, introduce cane toads. The cane toads eat the Smurfs, we eat the cane toad. Bada bing, bada boom. Job done. I die, the rats eat me, cycle of life.

Well, that's a food chain, man. There it is. That's a very... So man introduces the cane toads. Yep. Cane toads eat the Smurfs. Man eats the cane toad, dies. Rats eat the dead man.

Rats are king? Yeah, I guess. It's not really a cycle. It's not really a chain. It's a food line. But then the a cycle. It's not really a chain. It's a food line. But then the cane toads would eat the rat. Yeah, rat dies, cane toad eats the rat. We're back at the beginning, except we're not,

because that's not where we started. Man and Smurf have been removed from the situation. Hang on. Apart from that, it's the same. Man introduces cane toad. Cane toad eats Smurf. Man eats cane toad. Man dies.

Rats eat man. Man eats rats toad, man dies. Rats eat man, man eats rats. No, man doesn't eat rats because man's dead. Man got eaten by rats. But some man's still alive, right? Yeah. Do I not understand how a food chain works? Well, yeah, it's a chain or a cycle, but you've just not done that. Well, yeah, it's a chain or a cycle, but you've just not done that.

You started with man-introduced cane toads, which isn't part of the food cycle. Also, having man dies as part of a chain is also rare, I would say. Not something you come across very often. Yeah, that doesn't quite work out, does it? You know the circle of life, how you just at one point you die for a bit? Yeah. I know, the circle of life, how you just, at one point, you die for a bit. Yeah. I mean, eventually. The circle of life, actually, I picked a bad one,

because that is the only one that does have death as part of it. Yes. But I guess it's more like, yeah. What are you going to say, the food chain you don't die in? You do eventually. Food pyramid? Your five main food... What are the abilities of a Smurf berry because i feel like we could use

some of that to our advantage well um jackson maybe we can go full circle maybe put some rat poison in the smurf berries that's true they don't they because we don't know if they'll actually like the taste of rat poison we were basing that on literally nothing but we know basing it on rats yeah as we always are but we know that smurfs love the taste of smurf berries We were basing that on literally nothing, but we know... We're basing it on rats. Yeah, as we always are. But we know that Smurfs love the taste of Smurfberries. It's their primary food source. They eat that. They can't vomit, or they can. Can we

restrict their vomiting in a way? Well, we could make them go out the way most rock stars go out, by giving them a lot of drugs, and then they say, putting them on their back so that they're not in the recovery position. Oh, I was imagining if we just put a little pile of cocaine on the outside of the Smurf village, that's them done.

One line and a Smurf's head explodes, guaranteed. And I'm pretty sure cocaine won't affect the taste or quality or maybe even improve the taste of a Smurf. Yeah. I'm sure. I don't know if it'll, it definitely won't improve the situation of the taste, but yeah, I can't imagine it being damaging.

Yeah. I think it'd improve it, or at least it'd improve my perception of it. Yeah, at least you'd, would you? Give me a bit like, woo, a bit of a cup of coffee kick for you. Yeah, kick to these Smurfs. But I think what we're really missing is that at the end of the day,

if you go in fist swinging with a hammer or a rock, it's easy. Do you think you could kill a colony of rats right now with a rock? Yeah. So you could kill a colony of Smurfs. We're making it too complicated for ourselves. It's not hard. You go in there. You maybe put a perimeter around so the Smurfs can't run away.

You whack them with a rock, lick it off the base of the rock. Bada bing, bada boom. Yeah. Led into gold. Gargamel has made it too hard for himself. He is, he constantly threatens to destroy them, but isn't, he's like, he's too concerned about getting his hands dirty. Give me a gun and I'll give you a bag full of dead Smurfs.

Yeah, exactly. I think the problem of Gargamel is that he's made it too personal. It'd be like every time that you wanted a chicken sandwich, you had in your head that this chicken embarrassed me and you want to humiliate them. I have to kill this chicken because I hate it. It's not about killing it. It's humiliating it.

It's about getting revenge. And I think that is where Gargamel's down for. I think Smurfs, by and large, are probably very easy to kill. You could kill one almost accidentally. In the rain, if it's a bit wet, you hear its crunch. Absolutely. You're like, oh, no, I've stepped on a snail. It's a Smurf.

The three of us go for a walk in the woods. We're like, let's rest here. You two take the only dry spots on the log. I'm like, well, I'll sit on the ground. And I just crush the woods. We're like, let's rest here. You two take the only dry spots on the log. I'm like, well, I'll sit on the ground. And I just crush the Smurf village beneath my dairy hair. And I'm like, I just killed a bunch of blue rats or whatever. Can I sit on the log with you? No.

Give us some of them blue rats. I hear they taste good. Which one of you wants to suck these blue rats off my jeans? None of us. Gargamel comes in and just says, oh, give it to me. And then I stand there in the rain as Gargamel sucks the Smurf off my jeans and the two of you share a sandwich you didn't let me have any of. That's how that goes.

That's the best solution. At the end of the day, I just think Gargamel is, I think also it's one of those things where Gargamel is self-sabotaging, I think, without the Smurfs there to have his revenge against. He's got no purpose in life because his purpose, like, initially, it was to make them into gold. He wanted to be rich. He wanted to be rich.

He had a desire, some ideas there about, like, wealth acquisition, but now he just doesn't want that anymore. He wants just petty revenge, and I think it's just consumed him. So honestly, Gargamel, I think you need to take a step back. Let us. We've got a Hessian sack. We're going to just pluck all the Smurfs in, put them in, and whack them against a tree.

And I think that's the best bit. Here's your sack of soggy Smurfs. Dirty Smurfs. Smurf bodies. Enjoy. We're taking three ourselves and roasting them. At the end of the day. Thanks for the five bucks. Well, yeah, what's our motivation?

Five buckaroonies. That's it. That's all we need. It's not personal for us. It's just another day on the job. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've been Joel Five bucks will kill a Smurf village

Fix the economy Or kill a child Whatever We'll do anything baby No rules Five bucks is five bucks Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network,

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