Plumbing the Death Star - Is it Really Worth it for Bruce Wayne to Keep His Identity as Batman a Secret?

Episode Date: May 23, 2021

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Anyway, we'll see you there. June 5th, Comedy Republic, Plumbing the Death Star, cannot be stopped. Live show. Fuck. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like is it really worth it for bruce wayne to keep his Bruce Wayne is Batman that could come as a huge shock to you both the boys

in this room and you the listening audience same guy John Q Gotham same fella fella that's a playboy mansion owner fella rich guy rich yeah yeah yeah yeah whatever whoever owns the playboy mansion you have not yeah who is it now well you have his associates no one good yeah yeah but so bruce wayne and batman But so Bruce Wayne and Batman, same guy. Bruce Wayne is a cover, right?

For Batman, effectively. Why? What is he getting out of that? Bruce Wayne is one of those interesting super... Isn't it like the Superman thing with Clark Kent and Superman is like Clark Kent is the disguise? Which I've always disagreed with, but every time I bring that up, you yell at me.

So never mind. I think Clark Kent's the guy. Superman and Jor-El or whatever. They're like, they're not really him. He's Clark Kent. He's a boy from Kansas. Do you think it's the opposite of a Batman then? Or do you also think- No, I think Batman's Batman. Okay. Batman's Batman. Superman's Clark Kent. Okay. So you do think the opposite Batman's Batman. Okay. What? Batman's Batman. Superman's Clark Kent. Okay, so you do think the opposite of a Batman.

Yeah, I guess so. You think Bruce Wayne is the disguise. He's not really Bruce Wayne. He's Batman. He's not really Bruce Wayne-ing. He's Batman-ing. Everything he does seems to be more like... Yeah, he's Batman all the time. And Superman's also Superman all the time.

Spider-Man is Peter Parker all the time. Yeah. Wait. I don't know if I agree with that. So he's Spider-Man all the time. No, I think he's an equal amount of each. I think Peter Parker slash Spider-Man is a bit more driven from with great power comes great responsibility. Peter Parker's trying to be the best version of himself,

which means at points he's Spider-Man. But he's still Peter Parker. I think he's just a guy with spider powers. I think the same thing could be said for Superman. I think Superman and Clark Kent, same guy. No, no, no. It's the equivalent of like, well, yeah,

because he's adopted, and then he finds out about his real heritage. Yeah, but who he is truly is a boy from Kansas. But that would be like if I was adopted and I find out like, oh, my birth certificate name is this, and then I'm like, oh, my birth certificate name is this. And then I'm like, well, I'm not going to call myself that. I'm pretty sure my loving parents who adopted me would be like, oh, oh, I see.

Adopted parents often encourage people to learn about- So if you found out you were from space and your name was Dushel. You call yourself Dushel? You wouldn't be like, well, actually, I'm Joel Dushel. That changes everything. Because it changes who- I'm not human all of a sudden. Then I'm like, well, I was raised human for years. My mom was adopted, and the name that she was given at birth

is very much different to the name she has. And I guess when she learned all that out and everything like that. Because it's a choice. Superman made the choice that he's Superman and not Clark Kent, I guess. I just feel like if you choose your birth name as opposed to your adoptive name, it's a bit of a like- And it does seem rude. It does like, it seems rude to the people who raised you.

But I guess it depends on the situation. Yeah, I guess it does, yeah. But anyway. Because in Superman's case, he's planet exploded. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not going back. It was not like an adoption of choice. It was more like the child widow version

or whatever it's called. He's a child widow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a child widow. Child widow. Orphan? That's the word I was looking for. Child widow. Child widow.

Orphan. Widowed by his parents. Anyway. Anyway. So, Batman is always Batman-ing. We'll sort that out another day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spider-Man, we figured that one out.

He's just a guy who's a spider. He's got power. He's Peter Parker. But Batman... He's Batman-ing all the time. And when he's Bruce Wayne-ing, he's still Batman-ing. So why? What does it provide him?

Who is he protecting? He doesn't have any ties. To Balford? Yes. Okay, let's start with that. He doesn't have any ties. Remember that guy Yes. Okay, let's start with that. He's got no ties. He's never that guy who raised him and treated him like a father figure. But Alfred's in as much danger anyway.

That's true. Also, I was going to say, and all his wards. Does he have wards currently? Yes, but he does. But those wards are in more danger when they're Batman-ing. That's true. So the fact that he's Bruce Wayne. Does any of them have other jobs?

No. They just, they're like, oh, here's wealthy tycoon Bruce Wayne and his 50 kids. Whatever. Because, like, Jason Todd doesn't, like, I'm going to go work over here. He doesn't work at, like, a fro-yo place. No. He just.

He's always Robin or whatever. I feel like one of them could be a mechanic. Yeah. Or is that the one where Batman's like, stop trying to steal my tires. Do you want a job? Yes. Yeah, that's what you're thinking of. I guess my question is.

That's Jason Todd. That's Jason Todd. Yeah, it is Jason Todd, isn't it? My question is, if Batman was like, hey, world, I'm not Bruce Wayne anymore. I'm Batman-ing full time, baby. I hate this cow. It makes me sweaty. I'm taking it off.

I'm keeping the ears for the bat's silhouette. But everything else, I want my face there. I've this cow. It makes me sweaty. I'm taking it off. I'm keeping the ears for the bats, like the silhouette, but everything else, I want my face there. I've gone public. Would that negatively affect him in any shape or form? So Wayne Enterprises tanks. Does it? Does it? Yes, because his embezzlement becomes very obvious.

Forget he's embezzling. But like they say, again, you using like say Tony Stark? Yeah. As an example. True. Because he was like, who's this Iron Man? Do you remember what happens in Iron Man 2?

He tanks the company. I don't recall. Iron Man 2 may be the worst Iron Man. And also at the end of Iron Man 1, Obadiah Stane tries to stop him because he's tanking the company. Wow. It's going to be like the people.

And then also Iron Man is like. Also, I guess vigilanteism. That is a crime. What if he was. Just with the Iron Man comparison again, Iron Man is also making the suit in his house. Bruce Wayne is embezzling money from his company. That's true.

What if the company pivots to be like, we're the Batman company. It's all above board if the company pivots to be like, we're the Batman company? It's all above board now. But isn't Wayne Enterprise is also kind of corrupt and that's why Bruce is involved in it to try and keep it. So try to get them on board with I'm Batman. But then he gets the controlling figure or whatever. Yeah.

That's true. He's like, with my 51%, we're Batman Corp now. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like, what's stopping That from happening If they pivot to be like Look

Monorails or What okay Hey I have a very dangerous Question Oh no I have a very dangerous Question

What does Wayne Enterprise do Monorails There are Monorails He's a monorail Magnate His dad was a doctor

Because there's like That thing in Where he There's a truck full of Wayne Enterprise supplies and he steals from them. Okay. They're a research and development company for industrial services. Okay. But they've gotten kind of like- The tech stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. But I imagine they've gotten so big that they basically- I guess like in the same way that like Microsoft got big beat okay yeah what if for example microsoft silicon valley it's silicon valley except imagine if silicon valley was just one building and the city copped it okay so what if for example microsoft they were like okay so we've got all these computers technology is doing amazing things but we're also going going to just put a little bit of money to a private militia. Yeah. So anyway, so the new PC is coming out very soon. Anyone have any questions?

But it is Gotham, which does need protecting. Yeah. Do the people of Gotham respect Batman? The problem with the cops, right? They're like, hey, everyone's on the take. The mobs are giving them money, and there it is. What if Brucene is like well here's my private militia yeah yeah which is being funded by wayne enterprises so we have wayne call okay so i and we have nothing but a militia of waynes okay so wayne man

wayne man and the waynes they become a much easier target I feel because like in a city it's the same way as if you were starting and you just drop a gang in a city

that's already because it would be very easy which is kind of what Gotham is yeah yeah but that's what I mean so like it would be very easy for like

the exploding penguin fellas and the the laughter jokers fellas whatever clowns whatever

who cares what they're called laughing fellas laughing fellas and the exploding penguins laughing fellas and question boys the laughters, jokers, fellas, whatever, clowns, whatever. Who cares what they're called? Laughing fellas. Laughing fellas. Exploding penguins, laughing fellas, and question boys. Yeah, yeah. They're just like, okay, sweet. So the Wayne men are rolling in. We'll just blow up Wayne Enterprises.

Yeah, but that's why you'd have a lot of defense. Yeah. Around Wayne Enterprises. You just move Wayne Enterprises somewhere out of Gotham. Or you'd have the Wayne Enterprises, but you'dam. Or you'd have the Wayne Enterprise, but you'd have a lot of satellite Waynes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Wayne Inc. Yeah. One might say. Yeah. A Wayne in every city will be the claim. A Wayne in every borough. Yeah. Every borough, every suburb, every state.

A Wayne. A Wayne on every street corner. Yeah. If there's a will Will there's a Wayne Yeah It's so easy Well okay Imagine in a real

It's very easy Wayne and Way sounding the same Marketing department Go your own Wayne You could make recruitment You could be a good driving force for, like, people. Job creation. Yeah.

Be your own way. Come on. This is good. Well, imagine in a genuine crime-ridden city where we knew the police were corrupt. Okay. Which is the case with Gotham. Everybody knows that Gotham's no good. Everyone's on the take.

And somewhere publicly in real life, they were like, we've introduced a group of people who have a track record of no murder and of solving problems already that this city is currently facing. They've just been doing it in secret. Now they're doing it publicly. They've been doing it like, well, not in secret. Like they've been doing, we've all seen it, but they're not in any piece of secret.

So we're going to give them, what's it like amnesty? Or what's that thing when they write up all your crimes? Diplomatic immunity. Diplomatic immunity. You know that thing where they're like, we're going to forgive them for their past transgressions. So I just want to double check. In this place, in our future Gotham,

Bruce Wayne says, I'm Batman. And then instead of becoming Batman, instead of being like, I'm just Batman full time, he becomes Bruce Wayne says, I'm Batman. And then instead of becoming Batman, instead of being like, I'm just Batman full-time, becomes Bruce Wayne full-time. But then everyone working for him gets a secret identity of a Wayne. Well, not a secret identity. That's like how we say, oh, look, it's a fireman. It's a Wayne man.

It's a cop. It's a Wayne man. So it's not like their name is going to be Johnny Wayne. No, no, no. It's going to be John Wayne. Yee-haw. I've smoked too many of them cigarettes rest in peace

it's not like you're police people, you're firefighters you're yambos it's like you've got your wines they become like another service so to be like, rather than being like that's Johnny Wayne, it'll be like that's Dick John, a Wayne

he's a Wayne man in the history of humanity there's never been a Wayne. He's a Wayne man. And there's nothing, in the history of humanity, there's never been a problem where you have a privatised police force. It never goes wrong. It never goes wrong. Especially when you deal with a corporation owning an armed force

to protect your citizens. In this city of Gotham where things have gone bad, the police already are a private militia. Sometimes you need to go a little bit dictatorial. I get it. I get it. I'm not arguing for private militaries.

Maybe the only way to stop a bad guy with some bombs is a good guy with some bombs. Gotham is an exception. These do not reflect our outside of Gotham views. You ask us the same thing in Metropolitan, we're like, absolutely not. Shut it down. But Metropolis is doing well.

Metropolis has a guy. It's not a shithole. We can say, we're across the bay. Look over there, the shining city. City of lights. What are we? City of what? Human waste. No, but I guess you're right. There's a shining city. City of lights. What are we? City of what? Waste.

Human waste. No, but I guess you're right. Look, there is never- But you know what we could be, guys? A city of wains. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the wain forward. Come on.

I'm calling up Superman being like, they've gone private military. Get them laser eyes out. Just mark it down. Start again. Just in case they get a little bit uppity. Well, because I guess that is immediately the thing. Go in private military, get them laser eyes out, just mark it down, start again. Just in case they get a little bit uppity. Well, because I guess that is immediately the thing. You make a private army.

Batman's made a private army. There's Gotham City Police Department, which are corrupt. Then there's already private armies. The moment you make Wayne's the private army is the more people you involve, the more chances for it to be corrupt. Because even though I'm getting a good take from, say, Bruce Wayne, then what if the Joker's like, and here's an extra tenor, open this door. You're like, well, that's an extra tenor.

But this is assuming we go private military where we make many Waynes. That's true. I don't know when that was our decision, but what if we just do the whole Bat family? Well, that's what I'm thinking, because it's already happening. Oh, it's like a small business, but for privatized militia. Because all I mean is that it's already occurring.

So they're currently doing it in the dark. What if they were doing it in the light? Superman acts with impunity somehow. Because you can't stop him. It's a Superman. We tried that. We got a suicide squad. It didn't go well.

Yeah, that's true. What are we? Some kind of suicide squad? Green Arrow acts with impunity. Aquaman acts with impunity. So why doesn't Batman? You know, what's the secret identity even do for him? If I find out he's Bruce Wayne, who cares?

Yeah, again, looking at like, okay, so I guess he's protecting... Who? Alfred? What? But Alfred, you know, I think Alfred can look after himself. Alfred is already... The amount of times Alfred has to fight off the Joker with a shotgun or whatever. And again, it's not like, say, Peter Parker

pretending like he's not Spider-Man because Aunt May is very much in the dark. And she an old frail lady sometimes. Sometimes she's hot. Sometimes she's a horned dog. That's good. So with Alfred, he's in already. Yeah, I agree agree That would make

Spider-Man comics Better for me Yeah yeah No matter the age Aunt May horny That becomes a Go to stereotype Imagine like

Sam Raimi Spider-Man But Aunt May horn That's great Right That bit where She's talking about Like Jeff Wing

Or whatever In the bank As opposed to him Being like Knocking you back For a loan But she's like But what if we came to other arrangements? Can we do anything?

She puts her slippered foot in his crotch. Yeah. But the camera's down there. And then he's just like, oh God. Yeah. Tobey Maguire age 45 has been like, oh mate. I'm 16. He sounds like a bitch.

Yeah, yeah. This is my Tobey Maguire voice. He sounds like a baby. This is my Tobey Maguire voice. With great power comes great responsibility. Stop what you're doing, Sandman. Dr. Octavius Knight. I'm gonna punch you in your sand guts.

He's yelling probably that's why it's quiet. Uncle Ben Knight. Don't die! What do you mean, J. Jonah Jameson? These photos are perfect! But yes. It's harder to keep your secret identity if that's what you sound like.

So if they get like a small, again, the Bat family just going like, is it about protection? Well, no, because Alfred is already in it. The people that are close to Bruce Wayne is Alfred. And they're already in on the Batman. And look, we're dancing around him. But he's old and will die soon anyway. Exactly.

A bad fall. Alfred's gone. A sneeze. He'll sneeze. He's so frail he'll fall into the fireplace. Burn up. Ash. Gone.

Who's Alfred? i don't know alfred alfred and he's just he's gone he's up he's smoke coming out of the top of wayne manor so you got that okay what about his villains right so it's like okay well they know where they know where he lives but most of them kind of already do or it doesn't matter it's a mansion it already gets bombed everywhere yeah is it to do with the fact that it's like, hey, we're going to put them in Arkham? Let's walk back to your theory that mansions just get bombed. Well, Bruce Wayne's mansion gets bombed. He's got an innate property of mansions.

Well, the two mansions I'm thinking of are the X mansion and Bruce Wayne's mansion. And, well, look, they've got a track record of getting bombed. Tony Stark's mansion, but he says, hey, come bomb me. That's true. And then they do and he's upset about it. That's three out of three. So maybe that happens.

Maybe you are right. Fair call. So all he would arc them. And again, like he arrests them or doesn't arrest them, but he like beats them up. What does he do? He beats them up until the cops come and they're like, well. Wraps them up, ties them up, pole.

Can they even arrest them because they're not witnessing them doing it? No, no, no, no, no, no. Realistically, no. So they go to Arkham, which, again, isn't a prison because they're just criminally insane. So, again, anything that he's doing isn't technically like they can't be like, oh, we're going to throw this out because it's not doing anything. Like they're not prosecuting them as criminals.

They're making them criminally insane, which is another problem in and of itself absolutely the whole system's messed up that that said like how is that going to impact like the people that are in arkham it's not i guess if he was right bruce wayne yeah so batman is not a legal uh identity no it's not a legal entity except in batman and robber warriors the credit card This is Batman. Then he had to go to a bank. Which is cool. Then I guess he'd have to get a Batman birth certificate. Bat certificate. But Bruce Wayne is a legal identity.

He's a legal entity. So does that mean that if he was Bruce Wayne publicly, he could be sued? Yes. Is that it? He can't be sued. You can't sue Batman. If he made Batman A proprietary limited

Then he's very much protected But as it currently stands it's just Bruce Wayne So then if say for example he was Punching those laughing boys Or exploiting penguins If he injures them In any way shape or form He could I guess be sued

Vigilanteism is still illegal Yeah yeah yeah But again if everyone knows He's very rich and he's making up his own he could I guess be sued well I mean vigilanteism is still illegal yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but again if everyone knows everyone's like okay well he's very rich

he's making up his own law he got to law pass where he Bruce Wayne can wane around and then dole out his wane justice if he then injured someone

they could sue him yes I'm not quite sure how the legal system is in America but I'm pretty sure it's sue happy does that mean

that Batman the reason he's got a secret identity is just to cover his ass? No, no, there's a lot of reasons. There's a lot of stuff we haven't touched on. Like, for instance, you reveal you're Bruce Wayne. That means that all of a sudden you have to be Batman 24-7.

Sleep? Not safe. Well, he does it all. He only nods off during business meetings. But that is sleep he's getting. That's very funny to think he's like, I need a fucking break. When I'm Bruce Wayne, I'm asleep. That's true, though.

Otherwise, he's expected to. But then he's got the Bat family. Yeah, insurance. His insurance would go up the wazoo. Taxes? It would protect anyone. Like, if he makes a friend, they're immediately in danger, rather than at least

they have a safe window for about a month not even that what if he just goes for a coffee somewhere shot the back of the head that that establishment is also now yeah a target yeah you'd have like no bruce wayne's allowed in anywhere he's just walking down the street looking at all these coffee shops just have no bruce. He's like, oh. Gee whiz. I'm dying for a coffee. I haven't slept in three months for fear of someone putting a gun in my nose. And Alfred makes terrible coffee.

I must say it when he's not here to hear me. I miss good coffee. Master Bruce, I heard that. I'm with you every step of the way, sir. I'm in your ears. I'm in your ears. I'm in your eyes. I'm in your mouth. Tasting your coffee. It's fine. What happened to us that we can only do the Beatles? We used to

be able to do so many voices. Hang on, I'll do one. I'm Bruce Wayne. Fuck. Boop, boop, boop to me, my X-Men. Oh, no. Whoa, I'm Mario. Lick my balls. We're in real trouble.

Mama mia, it's me, the Mario Brothers. I'm from Itali. Mario, I'm tall, but a bit slippy. I'm from Itali. How many syllables do you want to give Italy? Anyway, please help. I mean, that's stuff we can only do one accent. Something's gone terribly wrong for us. Yes.

That aside. Batman can't get coffee anymore. If he becomes like I am Batman and starts like, yeah, there's probably a show where he's like taking care of business. Yeah. He becomes a bit more of a target for like everybody. And imagine being, because Batman has been terrorizing the Gotham's underworld for so long.

That is true. And imagine being the guy who was able to get a brick to Bruce Wayne's head. You would go down in for me. You would instantly be skyrocketed to in charge of a gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all you'd have to theme yourself would be the brick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Bruce Manor.

If you see Bruce Wayne, mostly like walking around the main street of Gotham, being like, I can't get a coffee. And there you are with a brick being like, oh my fucking God. Just 10 minutes earlier, you picked up a brick from a construction site and you're like, I don't know why I need this, but this will come in handy later.

Destiny is calling. That's so funny to be like, you've got a brick and they're like, what is your gang? And you're like, we're the Bricky Dicks. The Bricky Dicks. Like Tricky Dick? Like Nixon? Yeah.

Somehow Brick Nixon is my name. Brick Nixon. Hi, it's me. Bricky Nixon is my name Brick Nixon Hi it's me Bricky Nixon Fuck I've had more than a fucking five seconds to think of a gang name And super villain title Fuck Everybody we are crooks

Fuck Arrgh This is stupid There's a brick in Rick Nick Rick Nixon Shit Somebody see if you can get a cheap Richard Nixon mask I don't know where from

Can you paint it the colour of a brick Red Yeah like a red brick Or a brick pattern Like some lines Yeah no we can't have guns Yeah, like a red brick or a brick pattern. Like some lines. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, no, we can't have guns.

Sorry, this is going on the other line. If you had us, you could make a gun that could shoot a brick. Can you? Make a square barrel. Even that's not going to work. That's not going to be good either. Oh, fucking hell. Hang on, someone go on the other line. Hello, Brick Nixon speaking.

Yeah. Yeah, I can kill another guy with a brick. Do you have any Nixon or a brick costume? What is that? I don't know. Like a onesie, but it's bricks or something. Edges. It needs to be square.

It's great to imagine R&D. Maybe a suit. A suit that you spray paint a brick pattern on? What do you think is something? I wonder about a suit, but with the lining of it. Like a brick pattern.? What do you think is something? I want a suit, but with like the lining of it. Like a brick pattern? I'm starting to think, Kelly, Bruce Wayne with a brick wasn't worth it after all this. Hang on, they're testing the brick guns.

Fuck! They don't really fire. They just sort of slide out and hit the ground. I guess we could hold it above someone's head. I'm going to go. Okay, well, poor brick Rick Nixon. He's really suffering for this, for killing Bruce Wayne with a brick. So maybe it's good for Bruce Wayne, you know?

Make worse villains. I mean, it's bad for him because he's dead. He doesn't have to put up with it. The Bat family's got to deal with it, you know? Yeah. Okay. Well, what about if instead of being public and outside the law he tried to be public within the law as a division of the military

or a police department so bruce wayne's like i am batman i am now joining the police academy yeah i guess making like like hey uh gotham uh gcpd yeah we're, cool. I have a bunch of bat tumblers and bat bikes and batarangs. A lot of bat themed things. I went for a bat theme. I don't know. Here's a gun. It doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots batarangs.

And this one shoots a grappling hook, but the hook is a bat. He signs up for the police. He's like, here's your gun. He's like, that will not do. They're like, you have to take this. You will actually have to take a gun. No. It's a part of your.

Does it shoot? What does it shoot? Bullets. No. It's a part of your... What does it shoot? Bullets. It's a gun. Bullets? What do you mean bullets? We mean it's a hand, we hope you don't have to use it. Is it police themed? Does it shoot badgers?

What do you say? I'm Badge Wayne, the copper. Yeah, but even because, okay, so the situation is. It's my police-themed car. Yes, it's just a police car. Of course it's police-themed. You're a cop. What do you mean it makes a sound?

Does it make the screech of a bat like a sonar? Does it not make the screech of a policeman? What if I press it like, cop, cop, cop? For many reasons, that would be bad. No, but so Gotham is a unique case, right? Yes. Which means that you could theoretically start a division of the military or even a division of like...

You said Gotham military? There should be. No, I mean the American government is like, you have official sanction from the American government to fight. So we're seceding Gotham. A little bit. I guess. So we're seceding Gotham. A little bit. Are we? Are you?

Okay, so Bruce Wayne's like, I'm Batman. We're making Gotham a military state. Step one, announce you are Batman. Step two, military coup? Like, there are some wider implications here. That's like being like, all right, hey, everyone, Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne's got an announcement I am Batman, second of all, I've ordered

a nuclear strike. Okay, what you could do here though, you could get them working with GCPD, and it could be this is a trial period working with the Metas and the superheroes to see if they can work within the framework of the law, right? And now at least they're being held accountable. Because currently they're outside

the law. Exactly, so yes, I think this is're being held accountable. Because currently they're outside the law. Exactly. So yes, I think this is probably the best solution because if they trial this and it works, then they have reason to go to, say, like Flash and Green Arrow. See someone else who has powers who's maybe a little bit harder to control. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like work within the framework. But I guess a one reason, a one reason.

A one reason. Why he's not doing it is that if it worked, then the other cities would look into doing it themselves. And I don't think Superman would ever acquiesce to the same kind of, like, rigid system. You know what I mean? True. Because, again, you need to kind of, like, you know, know your rights. Yeah.

Or as in, like, ignore the rights of the citizens to be a policeman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Superman could never be a cop, you know what I mean? No. No, I mean, yeah, sorry. No, he could not be a cop. Not like, no. No, he could.

Shut up. I reckon he could. You don't think that little policeman hat would fit his head? Yeah, just by the nature of his being and the fact that, like, you know, he doesn't need a warrant to use his X-ray vision to look into what's in your car or your house. Yeah. And Batman seems to not like being told no.

Yeah, I suppose the main reason he doesn't, it's kind of selfish. It's like, yes, the moment he does, Batman is now beholden to the laws that we do. And because he was born very rich, he just feels a lot of the laws don't really apply to himself. They don't apply to Batman. So therefore, why should

he bother? Wouldn't we just get okay, Bruce Wayne is like, I am Batman step two, now I am a cop. Step three, I am Judge Dredd surely. Except without the murder. Yeah, I guess. But he doesn't... Yeah, it's a kind of...

But the thing is, who's going to stop that person? Because again, we're talking about absolute power crops. Absolutely, that's a big problem when it comes to all the superheroes. Great power crops, great Spider-Man. He'll stop it. Yeah, he'll stop it. Good on him. Thank you, Spider-Man.

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we'll even make the content on air so you can follow along at home and make your own or even improve upon ours head on down to sensepantsradio.com and sign up for a king level subscription today to start listening uh but yeah it's the kind of thing where it's just like well what's stopping batman who's who's making batman be accountable his kids who batman's the kind of thing where it's just like, well, what's stopping Batman? Who's making Batman be accountable? His kids? Who Batman's the Batman? Who Batman's the Batman? Who Batman's the Robbins?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or who Robbins the Robbins? Uh-oh. But you're right. Who Wayne's the Wayne? Who Wayne's the Wayne? But you're right. Because we don't know which Wayne he'll go.

Yeah. But you're right. Say Batman does stop working as a division of Gotham Police, right? But then he's Batman, so he's breaking legs. He's throwing guys off buildings or whatever. And then they're like, Batman, internal review. You know what I mean? You're fired.

You're fired. And going to jail. And going to jail because of the crimes that you did, stopping other crimes. Yeah. So, yeah. Stopping a bank robbery by putting nine guys in the cemetery. Yeah.

And doing how much damage to just the city by itself. You know, it's kind of like he doesn't really care about collateral damage. But then how? Also, he doesn't, again, let's just take, say, The Dark Knight as a good example. So there's like, yes. Rack that truck. Yeah, yeah. My brain wants to sing the X-Men 90s theme. I don't know why. You say, The Dark Knight as a good example. So there's like- Rack that truck.

Yeah, my brain wants to sing the X-Men 90s theme. I don't know why. You know, The Dark Knight. Yeah. Joker burns that money. The guy's on it. Everyone just realized the guy was on it like three years ago on Cracked. Well done, everyone.

Anyway, please continue. So they've got like, all right, so the mob have all this money, sturdy money. They're trying to find it. And oh, their accountant shoofed off to China. And like, well, that's like. This is by far the weirdest scene in this movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's like, well, the police can't get them because there's no extradition from China to the US. So it's like, well, what do we do? Well, we get Batman because Batman has no laws and Batman has no like border. He's above the law. And it's like, well, yeah. I mean, in theory theory that's a good thing

because you're like oh yeah but also but is it yeah is that something we should be happy with yeah batman can just go to china and get a guy and get a guy again and again even though because we have we are shown that the person all they're doing is very illegal yeah we are shown what they're doing is like that but there is like he's done his own version of due process but that's not being shown to the public no that's not being anyone's anyone looking at that is being like well i guess that guy is now in prison yeah okay that's weird because like there is no due process there we don't know the methods that he did yeah which can lead to i guess it's like if you imagine that there was a guy in melbourne yeah who wore a balaclava and just went around

and punched people whenever he wanted. And he didn't kill them, but he hurt them. He was like, they're doing a crime. Oh, look at this person. Oh, look. He was smoking a joint. I punched him in the knees. They parked their car in a no-standing

zone and, oh, punched him in the back of the knees. Oh, look, the meter expired, oh, punch in the back of the knees. Oh, look, the meter expired. Punch in the back of the knees. He's got a cool way of fighting where he squats down to punch. Nobody's expecting that because you swing where his head wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, this guy hasn't paid his taxes in two years. Back of the knee punch.

And then all of a sudden he's like on the news. He's on Sunrise with Koshi. Yeah, yeah. And the cash cow. Yeah. And he takes off his balaclava and he's like it's me you know like a wealthy billionaire in melbourne are we gonna be like thank god we know who it is now it was johnny rich man this whole time oh great are we gonna be like that man should go to jail now we

can get him i think it would be more like of course of course it was the fucking billion yeah that is of course it was the fucking cunt Yeah, that is true. Of course it was the fucking cunt. Over there with too much money being like, this is how all you other people should be living your life. Of course it was him punching down on the criminals who were doing all the petty crime, the low category of crime. Of course it's him. He's not going after his good friends who are embezzling millions. He's not going after his good friends who are the reason they're shutting down factories

and all our people are losing jobs. Of course not. No, he's not going after them at all. He's just going after the good friends who are the reason they're shutting down factories and all our people are losing jobs. Of course not. No, he's not going after them at all. He's just going after the cunts, stealing some few things. I'm thinking, why is he always going for the mates? I mean, I'm also thinking that. I think with this comparison, and also imagine Batman is real, and he takes off his mask and it's Elon Musk.

And then Elon Musk is like, hey, I'm Batman. Everyone would be like, I hate you so much. I would be booing harder. I didn't think I could hate you more. But look at me go. Now that I know you can beat me up real bad. Doesn't make me hate you less. Now that I know you seem to have a grudge against knees.

Why? Instantly also with Batman. The moment you know that he's Bruce Wayne. You're like the bat stuff becomes less spooky and cool. Yeah. And you're like, that's embarrassing. It's very embarrassing. You went for, ooh, bats.

Yeah, and again, there would be a lot of people going, hey, well, how much did all this genuinely cost you? Yeah. And why didn't you put that into other things? Also, I keep thinking like- Build a train like your dad did, idiot. Yeah, remember the trains? They roll! Yeah, we love them.

We love trains! I'm Batman. Shut up! Give us the trains, dickhead! But I keep thinking like, oh well, what's so strange about him coming out and saying I'm Batman? Because all he's saying is doing what he's been doing in an official capacity. And in my head, I'm like, what he's been doing has been good.

But actually, Gotham's level of crime has not improved for, like, decades, upon decades, upon decades. If anything, I feel Bruce Wayne or Batman is trying to keep it at a level that he can contain. It doesn't go beyond, it doesn't go below, but it's just constantly there because it gives him something. So if he's like, I'm Batman, I'm like, why are the Jokers still around, dude? I've seen you fight him heaps of times.

What are you doing for this city, fuckhead? The penguin's short and really round. I reckon I could take him. Have you ever tried to punch him in the top of his head? I reckon I could. Why are you not? Pick him up by his feet and throw him off a bridge. Wah!

Sploosh. Yeah, I guess the moment he reveals that he's Bruce Waynene he's all of a sudden accountable and that's why he can never reveal his 100 because he has done so many crimes himself yeah that he could never admit to it because as soon as he does then there are a lot of lawsuits coming his way and a lot of like i guess federal agents coming his way to arrest him, seize his assets, close down anything that he has control over, and just make him have a horrible time. But he has saved the world multiple times.

So it kind of comes down to the question- Give me an example of one time where Batman has saved the world. Well, maybe not the world. Any, like any comic- But Gotham. I'm thinking in the end of The Dark Knight Rises. He flies away with the bomb, blows it up in space so it doesn't blow up in Gotham. I'm thinking in the end of The Dark Knight Rises. He flies away with the bomb, blows it up in space so it doesn't blow up in Gotham.

You know, he saves us two ships in the Joker. He does save us some ships. Probably multiple times it's been his ingenuity that saved the world in Justice League shit. Yeah, that's true. But my question is, and this is a question I love to ask,

how many good things do I have to do before I can eat a baby orangutan? Because it's basically the same question. Yeah. How much good do you put in the world before you can do some bad? I think the moment that you do some bad, you've lost all goodwill. It doesn't matter. But it's equalized. No.

It's changed. It's the same way that people get canceled. Yeah, I suppose. It's like if Bruce Wayne did as much good as he, like, he came out and was like, whatever. Say he's not Batman. Say he's just like, I am doing everything I can, being like a philanthropy, being like throwing money at like hospitals, schools, city beautification. Batman.

Making everything amazing, right? Yeah. And then we find out that on his 60th birthday, he treated himself to a roasted baby orangutan. Yeah. I would be like, well, that has colored everything. The reason he is doing so much good because he's always- So that he can eventually eat the baby orangutan. Always wanted to eat a baby orangutan. Has he always been eating baby orangutans?

What else has he done? Is everything just a cover so everything would be tainted? Everything would be kind of ruined and it would be- So we'll take the Dark Knight Rises instance where he literally stops a nuclear bomb from detonating in Gotham, which would have killed, let's say millions. He then goes home and eats a baby orangutan.

In that scene at the end of the Dark Knight Rises where he's eating with Catwoman, whatever. What's the name of his butler? Alfred. Alfred. Couldn't remember Alfred. I couldn't remember Alfred. It's me, Alfred.

Alfred looking over his paper, seeing Bruce ducking into a baby orangutan. Like an apple in its mouth. Yeah, but like, so you eat a baby orangutan. So, okay, he saves the bomb. Everyone's like, oh my God. And then 15 minutes later, there's a live broadcast on television

of Bruce Wayne sitting at home eating a baby orangutan. Everyone's like, I hate this man. Isn't this milkshake ducking? What's milkshake ducking? Isn't that the thing where it's like, oh, a person is like, does something, they go viral. They're like, ha ha, what a great, oh, they are a terrible human being.

I suppose it would be. I suppose it would be. Yeah, because it's literally like how, I don't know. Let's just say like a successful band and you've written songs and one of these, let's just say like a successful band and you've written songs. Let's say U2, for instance. I'm U2. Yeah, you did Live Aid and well done.

Yeah, yeah. You're U2, I'm The Edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. You get in a car after performing one of your concerts and you run over a school of apes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those apes were just trying to learn. They want an education. They're crossing the road, you plow through apes and you're laughing.

Yeah. The band's still like, it's still like, it doesn't matter how much good you've done. No matter what, the moment you do one bad thing, you've tainted it all. Yeah, but it's because the bad thing you want to do isn't like one little bad thing. Then again, we still like Matthew Broderick. So you can get away with it sometimes. You can get away with it sometimes. The answer is. You could get away with it sometimes you can't get away with it sometimes the answer

is you could get away with it if it was in the 80s yes well I think it would just be like uh it's great that he saved the day it's a bummer about the baby orangutan and that would be the discussion I don't think that's how it'll go and I wouldn't be it's a bummer I'd be like that yeah he saved us but he's a monster who eats crazy ate that baby orangutan live was he trying to prove it because it feels like a power point he's like you're under my thumb i can do what i want well the next time i save the world i'm gonna be doing this again okay this is my sweet reward once again i'd be like of course if you already know this was bruce wayne i'd be like of course another i gotta get already know this was Bruce Wayne, I'd be like, of course. I got to get the fuck out of Gotham.

Another rich piece of shit is just doing things because he feels they are above the law. Another rich piece of shit doing good so he can eat baby orangutans. What's wrong with this country? Exactly. Why do you think all these billionaires keep buying private islands maybe close to orangutan resorts? To eat baby orangutans. I don't know. I don't want to make any aspersions, but.

So really, the reason Bruce Wayne can't ever reveal who he is is because he's a criminal. Yes! He's a criminal of really the worst order, and he would go to jail. Yeah, and he's a billionaire, so the fact he's a criminal and then so blasé about it would make everyone hate him even more. Yes. There would be civil unrest, and the people that are living in Gotham

that are feeling oppressed would then all of a sudden be like, fuck Joker, fuck Riddler. I hate Bruce Wayne the most. I'm going to brick him. Yeah. And then brick Rick Nixon. That's my thing. I'm not even happy that that's my thing, but you've stolen it.

Okay. Look what I had to do because I bricked him. You're just getting praise for killing him yeah again because i think batman has some goodwill from the citizens right yeah it's a very similar to like you know robin hood right he's got like you know very goodwill to the citizens because you're like yeah fuck taxes but then if we find out that like robin hood was also like the king we're like oh so okay so the person in position of power here Like a lot of power Is choosing to dole out their version of justice Onto the citizens

And this becomes a huge problem I reckon it'd be good though If it turned out that Bruce Wayne was man bat Yeah, me too I'd be like, that's not even false That makes sense He's a scientist or whatever, he makes a man bat It's good if he's like man bat

But in a suit I'm just regular bat Wayne Sorry man bat He'd be Wayne Bruce I'm just regular Wayne Bruce I wonder if man bat is Wayne Bruce What do you reckon? Probably not

That would be crazy A bat that is the size of a man couldn't run a company Forget I said anything I already have And on that note That would be crazy. A bat that is the size of a man couldn't run a company. Forget I said anything. I already have. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel.

Bruce Wayne, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. No good. No good. Get rid of him. I hate him now. Ricky Rick Nixon. He's the man of the people.

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