Plumbing the Death Star - Is John Hammond a Bad Boss?

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

In which our heroes revisit Jurassic Park, go on another (mis)guided tour and run from the dinosaurs that have inevitable escaped from their enclosures while wondering if John Hammond is a bad boss. We look at the complications of building a theme-park on top of Central Park, the many ways one foolish man can traumatise young children, and the outstanding prehistory of horses. Jackson hires mercenaries to protect children, Zammit keeps tabs on how many children die, and Duscher just wants to accept the warm embrace of death. So step through the front gates, realise none of the exhibits are anywhere near safe or secure, and take a journey through Jackson B. Baly’s very own: Dinosaur Park. Nuuh nuh nuuuuuuh nuh nuh, nuuh nuh nuuuuuuh nuh nuh, nuuuh nuh nuuuuh nuh nuh nuuuuuh nuuuuhhh nuh.Want to help fund a class action suit against Jackson? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help take him down. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three books about how dangerous terrorbirds are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, science is lying to you. This episode is brought to you by Grant, Travis and Robert Greeley. Quite frankly, I never cared for you. Until now. Thanks for listening. No. Enjoy the episode. Enjoy the episode.

Sorry, I haven't talked to anyone today. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask important questions like Is John Hammond a bad boss? Alright, we all know there's a new Jurassic Park coming out Jurassic World Jurassic World Yep

Or Jurassic Park 4, if you want to be a pleb. Which I do. You're a fucking idiot. Which I do. Like, you got your Star Wars 7, you got your Jurassic Park 4. Yeah.

Jurassic Park 4, A New Hope. You want to see a T-Rex using a lightsaber. Star Trek 13 coming out. Welcome to Trek, or whatever it's called. Wolf Creek. Trek into darkness.

Gone for a good trek. Up a mountain. Star Trek 18. The long trek home. It's really got me thinking about John Hammond again. Like really racking the old douche brain. I think that I could run jurassic park better than him um no wait i think he's onto something here go okay all right so first of all isla de

sauna uh-huh dumb i think as we established in the first episode too far away too far away too expensive nobody's got the time or the fun to charter a plane or a boat or a helicopter or a boat copter helicopter copter And out of all of those I can't even get the fucking seatbelts right So I'm a little concerned to be on their plane Smack dab In the middle of Los Angeles Where the Truman Show was?

Yeah actually no No no fuck Los Angeles Central Park I will turn Central Park Into Central Dinosaur Park. Central Jurassic Park. That's a better... No, when I run it, I'll call it Dinosaur Park, because let's not restrict ourselves to one era of dinosaurs.

Welcome to Central Dinosaur Park. Nobody's taking helicopters to get there. Well, depends where you live Well, yeah, but You go to New York, whatever Yeah, and then plus go get a fucking hot dog Come see a T-Rex Alright, I'm

We're based in Melbourne, Australia Okay Have either of you guys been to Central Park? Yes Good I also have I think this is a bad idea No, it's great

Huge fans around the whole thing it's ruined Central Park for everyone in Manhattan that's alright I in this scenario do I do I get the same funding as John Hammond so infinity infinity money yeah if you're taking over from him sure sick so I get in Jen yes all right then I might not clone mostly like a couple dinosaurs sure like a uh fucking triceratops let's just go herbivores uh-huh but like mammoths and shit too also saber-toothed tigers and fucking shit and that's not a that's not a herbivore but all right well we'll just keep one that's not um who doesn't want to see

saber-toothed tigers they've got tigers at the real zoo. The weather in New York is varied. And Jackson, why don't you go to Queensland. Okay. You've got Dream World. You've got Movie Land. Movie World. Movie World.

You've got Wet and Wild. You've got that other one I forget about. Sea World. Sea World. Buy out Sea World, Jurassic World. I could just buy out all of them and then just erect a park on all three. The weather is way less varied.

But I'm doing mostly mammoths. You probably want somewhere colder, though. So I think I've fucked up. So let's toss up. New York. Either I sacrifice all the dinosaurs and just get mammals, or I sacrifice all the mammals and just get dinosaurs.

Well, it depends, Jackson. Are you calling it Dinosaur Park? If you're calling it Dinosaur Park and you just have fucking woolly mammoths, I'm going to be mad at you. I think you've already straight off the bat done a worse job. You've just lied to all your potential customers. You've made it just as expensive for us to travel there. Maybe more expensive.

Look, how don't you do a franchise? America's really far away from it. If you shave a mammoth, will it cool down? No. Can I erect it in Queensland and just keep my mammoth shave? I think you could. No, but it'll be pink and gross. It will get sunburned.

Okay, let's assume, for sake of argument, that I have climate-controlled enclosures. Like a butterfly enclosure, but for a woolly mammal. Yeah, exactly. Like what they do in Queensland for the polar bears and shit. Do you still want that in Queensland, or are we back in New York? I would say Queensland,

because rather than just demolishing pre-existing successful parks, why don't you just add that as your package deal? You go get your fucking sea rides and shit and then you go to Jurassic. I guess I could but I feel like Wet n' Wild, Waterworld, SeaWorld

and all that are going out of business the moment I'm like I have actual dinosaurs. That's run by you so I don't think they are. I disagree. They're going to be like, this park looks poorly maintained. Okay, for my test run, right? I'm not getting archaeologists in. I'm getting kids.

Lots of kids, because kids know what makes a good park. Okay, Jackson, I'm just going to quickly remind you of Jurassic Park, the film. Uh-huh. And part of the reason why John Hammond, we highlight him as incompetent, because he invites his grandkids to a park that's untested and full of dinosaurs. You want to remove the adults from that situation and just make it children. Are mercenaries legal?

Like, I want to hire some protection for the kids. Going in. Like what happens in Jurassic Park? No, but just no archaeologists. They don't know what makes a good theme park. Clever girl. Yeah, but like, more than just one guy? So like a team?

So like a SWAT team? Yeah, like a SWAT team. I didn't think of legality. Would Queensland allow this? Let's just say that they've given you... I can't blunch, do whatever I like? Yeah. Look, I'm like... No, whatever.

You have to comply to Australian rules. I'm not breeding fucking velociraptors. I'm not... No T-Rexes. Just woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, fucking... Okay. Pterodactyls. Okay, first off, woolly mammoths. Probably could crush a mammoths, saber-toothed tigers, fucking pterodactyls. First off, woolly mammoths probably could crush a kid. Saber-toothed tigers

probably could eat a kid. Pterodactyl probably could pick up a kid and drop him from a very large height. Also, I'm going to say saber-toothed tiger, like this is a big call. They're fast. They could be more dangerous than most of the dinosaurs that were dangerous.

But they're not as clever as a Velociraptor. I would say if they're a cat, they're going to be equally as clever, if not more clever than a raptor. No opposable claws. You know when those kids get trapped in the kitchen in one? Have you owned a cat? No. They're crafty.

They're sneaky motherfuckers. And they can get in all kinds of crooks and crannies. But imagine this. You come into Dinosaur Park. Crooks and cr all kinds of crooks and grannies. But imagine this. You come into Dinosaur Park. Crooks and grannies? Crooks and crannies. Okay. You know, crooks and grannies?

Yeah, crooks and grannies. My side podcast where we talk about grandmas doing crime. It's a sister podcast to Nan I Fucked Up. It's like the opposite of Nan Fucked Up. No, but imagine this You come into Dinosaur Park And you walk in surrounded by children Because I'm still beta testing

Say I've got you guys in to help me beta test The Dinosaur Park So you've gone through alpha testing How many children have died And no one has died in alpha testing Let's say How many kids would die Depends how ear keen you were to test Pretty keen Let's say, what do you think? How many kids would die? Depends how ear-keen you were to test.

Pretty keen. Okay, let's say, all right. Maybe like two survivors. You can do like two kids. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to give you an opportunity. How is your enclosures? What is your...

I'll give you... Okay, what's your... Sabertooth tiger? Woolly mammoth enclosure. Okay, the woolly mammoth enclosure, right? So, okay. Also, I'll just back this up just a second. Yeah.

We've given you a class of kids, so 28 children. 28 children, sick. We'll say grade fours. Okay. Hey, they all know what makes a fun theme park. They're 10? Yeah. You've got 28 10-year-olds and no adults because for some reason you...

But lots of soldiers. eight, ten-year-olds, and no adults, because for some reason you... But lots of soldiers. He's gone to third world countries, made a deal with some kind of mercenary, some sort of warlord despot, and like, hey, come man this park of mine. I look after some kids. Yeah, so they're on either side marching as the kids explore.

The woolly mammoth enclosure is like a huge dome, and it's climate controlled. It's icy and cold inside. The woolly mammoth enclosure is like a huge dome and it's climate controlled. It's icy and cold inside for the woolly mammoth. And you go on like a walkway around the top and you look down on the mammoth as he does his mammoth business. So that's what the woolly mammoth enclosure is like. Okay, that's good.

I was waiting for you to be, and then you ride it. Because I wouldn't put that past you. I might. I'm thinking, because one of our issues with Jurassic Park is that once you see the dinosaurs, there's not much else to do.

Yes. So I might have, like, a meet and greet with the woolly mammoth. Okay. But I'm going to get, like, an elephant handler from a real zoo

to come in and sort of sort that shit out. Okay. So he can help out the kids and be like, oh, hey, it's just a woolly mammoth. Pat his trunk. And he's like,

you know. If you're a university lecturer and then you were told to go teach grade one children, do you think you'll be able to manage? I think you'll be able to, like, you know. I'm not just chucking him in there. Actually, no, no, no. Do it the other way around.

You're a grade one teacher. You then get told to go lecture for a university class on engineering. Well, look, but then he gets to raise the mammoth from when it was a baby. Yeah, look, if he's getting an elephant handler... Yeah, that guy's like, hey, it's just like a bigger elephant. Elephant whisperer. Yeah, get a couple elephant whisperers to come in. Okay.

I feel that they could maybe control the woolly mammoth a bit. Plus, I might have got mercenaries with AKs or whatever on the side. Actual elephant guns. Actual elephant guns if shit goes awry. Okay, so this... how, the enclosure, what's the fencing like? It's like a big concrete dome. You have to go up a walkway.

There's just one door, like a big sort of like metal door. So basically this is what we've already got with elephants. Can the kids fall off? They could if they climbed over the railing. But that's a problem in any zoo, so I'm going to... No, because most zoos have problems with it.

If they sue me, I'm like, hey, I made them sign a waiver. You die in my zoo, that's your own bloody fault. That's my catchphrase. If you die in my zoo, it's your own bloody fault. The ad that's on at like 3 in the morning for Dinosaur Park is just me with some shitty graphics like come to Dinosaur Park, if you die, it's your own

bloody fault. I'm trying to help you but you just keep ruining it because like with polar bears and stuff like that like the enclosures it's like windowed so like there's there's no way you can fall in but you just went for railing and no again again unsupervised 10 year old kids dude supervised by mercenaries. Hey, look. Kids get scared by guns, Jackson. Look, in elephant parks, like you go, whatever, elephant's the zoo. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're going to do that.

That's fine. Because again, woolly mammoths, I'm pretty sure, aren't as temperamental as, say, a T-Rex. A woolly mammoth isn't going to escape and destroy New York. Yeah. You know? So, okay, look, you woolly mammoth enclosure, I think it's fine. It's fine if you stop meddling with it. Leave it as it is.

If we move on. All right. Like, don't talk to me at the meet and greet yet. Sabertooth tiger. Sabertooth tiger is just going to be, like, a huge fucking, maybe I'll have to make the whole, like, climate-controlled area quite big. And so you've got woolly mammoths in the same enclosure as your fucking saber tooth.

So the kids can see nature happen. Oh, Jesus Christ, Jackson. But I'll only, it'll be like a thing. How quickly can I clone them? What kind of are we giving me here? I'm more concerned that children are going to see a saber tooth maul a woolly mammoth to death. Yeah.

Again, we don't keep lions and tigers in the same enclosure as elephants okay there'll be a wall oh my god but a glass wall some of the same students are like i'm gonna get that fucking mammoth one day hey in jurassic park he feeds those kids that want a goat and the kids see that yeah but it's his grandson and like... That was testing. Oh no, is this his testing phase? This is testing. Okay, you can put them together if you want. No, we'll put a wall. Whatever. If I'm getting you guys in here

with the kids and you're like, Jackson, that's fucked up. I'll be like, build us a wall, come on. Now, Andy, actually, how are you gonna get the saber-toothed tiger out when you want to build that wall? How are you gonna... You gonna put a man in there? I would say, why don't you

just model this after actual zoos and you have just the saber-toothed tiger enclosure? Okay, but it's like part of Welcome to Icy World. Here's the mammoths, here's the saber-toothed. And the saber-toothed will be like

you go to the aquarium and you're in a glass tunnel like that and they're just on the side prowling with a glass tunnel in aquariums, they're safe because fish can't break glass it's thick glass

you gestured for thick glass, thicker than I think humans would be able to see through glass no if it's like an aquarium that's like that thick that's thick as hell you've gone like shoulder length for listeners yeah that's yeah yeah yeah shoulder length glass yeah it's aquarium glass shoulder width not length sorry

if you're using like aquarium glass so they can look in and they can say again we have this stuff with like actual tigers and lions. That's fine. All right, I'll let it slide. So you make your way through the saber-toothed enclosure. You're like, oh my God,

we might do a feeding, like chuck a gazelle in there or whatever. Then you get out, and then the next- Oh, wait. The gazelle's dead before you put it in there, right? You, no.

I can see it glinting his eye. I want to say no The correct answer is yes It's already food I'm not subjecting children to death What if the saber-toothed tiger won't go for a dead one? They're predators, not scavengers Sorry kids

So it's alive, drop it in, they see that, we move on Okay How else am I going to get them to eat it? Don't feed it when the zoo's open No But some people like to see a feeding That's true, look, you might have a feeding as like a Again, sign a waiver

And see the feeding Maybe it'll be like 18 plus, adults only Maybe you could go 15 plus 15 plus See a saber-toothed tiger eat a gazelle Like I feel like, yeah, if I'm 15 and I see an animal, kill another animal. I'm probably going to be okay and not, like, it's not going to ruin me. It's going to be expensive for me to import gazelles.

It's also going to be expensive for all these fucking waivers and all the lawyers you're going to have to have. Just get some cows in there. Yeah, all right, chuck fucking cows in. Chuck in some brahmin. All right, but the next one. What about rabbits? Because you're in Queensland. Yeah, but I think a saber-toothed tiger is going gonna just pierce a rabbit with its tooth and be like lots of rabbits

yeah all right lots of rabbits yes the next thing lots of flavors also the next enclosure along is you know we had those um little horse rabbits back in the day it's like the pre-evolution of a horse is like a tiny little horse It's like a field of them But they're harmless so you can just play with them It's like a petting zoo Yeah, I'm on board But Jackson, how many fingers am I holding up? None

Yeah, that's the amount of dinosaurs you've got in Dinosaur World at the moment Oh fuck Yeah, that was going to be my biggest gripe about Dinosaur Park Lovely experience I got to pet a tiny horse Unfortunately because there's an adult supervising a bunch of 10 year olds a few of them punts the tiny horses so you've now killed a couple of them that's right i wanted to know how long does it take me to clone something like it's just

like it does it in gym so like pretty quick yeah like give me like like like a month yeah all right cool well that's all right i'll just pop out some more They're tiny, it won't take that long Well look, again, I don't want any velociraptors So let's chuck in like fucking brontosauruses Plesiosaurs! I'll have like an aquatic enclosure full of plesiosaurs How many plesiosaurs? Like ten! How big?

Which brings both Joel and I to our next collective question How fucking big is this enclosure? Plesiosaurs are huge! Which brings both Joel and I to our next collective question. How fucking big is this enclosure? Plesiosaurs are huge. Like the size of a good lake. Bigger. It's going to have to be bigger. And you go on a boat.

Oh, no. Like a boat through the Plesiosaurs, and you can just look down and see them. Okay, Jackson. Here's where the casualties start You know the The poster of Jaws It's got the shark coming up And you've got the person on the boat coming Now when you imagine that

But that boat is very tiny And instead of a shark it's a plesiosaur It's probably several plesiosaurs All converging on that one very tiny boat. Full of children. 28 children. 28 children and mercenaries. And you two.

And the mercenaries are aiming guns into the water so you know what's about to happen. How big is a plesiosaur? It's huge. It's the size of a brontosaurus, but in the sea. So, okay. Big bigger than a whale? Yes. Jackson.

We're dead. We are so dead. We are dead in the water. Jackson. Imagine, like, even if they don't attack us. Are you familiar with the poster for The Perfect Storm? The George Clooney film? Yes.

How there's, like, a huge wave of the boats, like, sideways. That's also what's just going to happen. When a plesiosaur is just like, I'm going to chuff my huge wave of the boats like sideways that's also what's just gonna happen when a plesiosaur just like i'm gonna chuff my head out of the ocean or out of the lake well we keep them wait hang on if there's 10 of them they're gonna be kind of cramped as well yeah they can't move you move between them that's animal cruelty jackson they're dead they are dead everyone's dead your dinosaurs are dead your Everyone's dead. Your dinosaurs are dead. Your children are dead. Your mercenaries are dead. Your best friends, it's Jules,

are dead. What if we make the boat super fast? It can outrun the plesiosaurs. Jackson, you're just... There's ten of them. Who's driving the boat, Jackson? We get a special guy. What are his specialties?

A boat pilot, whatever you call them. A captain. But, like, I just... Because, like, you could get your boat license and just be a captain. All right, I'll do it then. You're also dead. That wasn't what he was suggesting. He was saying that anyone could be a captain.

I'll pilot the boat. But here's how it works. No, I was saying this doesn't work because literally anyone could be a captain. I'll pilot the boat. But here's how it works. I was saying this doesn't work because literally anyone could be a captain. You need someone quite specialised. Yeah, you're right. Anyone could be a captain. I'll be a captain. I'll do it. So here's how it works, though, right?

The boat is, like, fast as hell, right? Like, fastest boat I can get. Okay, kids have fallen off the boat. No, they strap themselves in. It's a ride now. And what happens is that the boat zooms along, and the plesiosaurus, there's meat attached to the bottom of the boat. Now you're antagonizing them!

No, but hear me out. No, I'm not antagonizing them. I'm just making them chase me. The plesiosaurus chase the boat, but we make sure the boat's faster. And then when we reach halfway through, a giant wall of glass goes up. The plesiosaurus are like, smack! The kids are like oh my god that was so scary but exciting and then we land at the other side okay you've just broken the plesiosaurs jaw um or the plesiosaurs with enough force and weight has cracked that glass

so after maybe the fourth time it's just shattering okay so we've uh three malfunctions what happens the boat just Suddenly the engine just kicks out What if the wall doesn't come up, Jackson? What if the plesiosaurs are faster than you're expecting, Jackson? Okay What if there's a plesiosaur at the other end Waiting for you, Jackson? Plesiosaurs aren't going to be like

Oh, let's wait for them No, they roam We get a helicopter With a cable attached to the top of the boat And they go at the same speed and if anything goes awry the helicopter rises up uh please do so is a very big Jackson that's a fast helicopter

I feel the yank of that's gonna hurt your kids so let's say everything going according-ish to plan how many casualties so far okay if everything goes to plan. How many casualties so far? Okay, if everything goes to plan, 28 kids are dead,

10 mercenaries, 2 Jules and a Jackson, and plesiosaurs. I think so far maybe 5 kids, 2 or 3 horse rabbits, and maybe all my plesiosaurs. 5 kids from the jerk up and the fastness of the boat, all the plesiosaurs. Five kids from the jerk up and the fastness of the boat,

all the plesiosaurs from smacking the glass and some kids killed the horse rabbits. Yes. Okay, so far we haven't really seen a dinosaur, we've just been chased by one that was underwater and also therefore more terrifying. And five of my friends who were strapped next to me

have died in front of me. I killed a tiny horse rabbit, so I'm happy. Pterodactyls is next. And pterodactyls is going to be like, you know the aviaries at the zoo? Yeah. So you can walk in? Yeah.

But because there's a kind of tiny pterodactyl that's probably not dangerous. How tiny? It's like about the size of like a sparrow. Eh? So like... I've got nothing wrong with that. Just like 50 of them maybe get... Whoa! I have

problems again. 50 of them, nobody's got meat on them unless they were touching the meat from the plesiosaur right? Or if they have the scent of meat on them from plesiosaur right? Or if the fact that we're humans and we're covered in flesh what if a kid's bleeding that's what the mercenaries are for

what if again they're little I can pop more out and we'll put in one terror bird so that giant bird from prehistory that ate meat that was the top of the food chain for a while but muzzle him. But I think it's better.

What about claws? From terror birds, don't they have the giant, like, again, a raptor claw? Like a knife. Do you want a casualty update, Jackson? Yes, please. 28 kids. Say we're running through this one, though.

28 kids. No, we're running through it. One terror bird. I reckon that one terror bird's gonna maybe take down a mercenary. Yep. And three kids. Oh, three kids? Because we're running. Yeah, but is

it like a hallway or is it like... No, it's like a huge aviary, but you've got a wooden path to walk along. Five kids. No. Six. Alright, well we're down to 11. No, we're down to 11 dead kids. Oh. Hey, I'm still up by one.

Right? Well, okay, let's compare. We'll do a quick update. Quick point. So, yeah, we've lost five from the jerk-up from the helicopter. Yep. All we're pleased to see is the source of dead. On your first run through of the park.

Yeah, say ten horse path Say 10 horse rabbits 10 horse rabbits We've lost one mercenary We've lost one mercenary because he was taken down by the terror bird So the terror bird has taken down at least 6 kids So that's 11 dead kids So that leaves 17 So their sacrifice enabled us to run

And so you've lost a terror bird Hey that's alright It's all good Oh and some of the little terror dactyls to run. You've lost a pteropode. Hey, that's alright. It's all good. Oh, and some of the little pterodactyls because they probably had to take them out so they didn't attack. Yeah, I was going to say, I imagine they'd swarm the kids and claw their faces and stuff. So I'm going to say that

maybe only 11 are dead, but some are definitely bleeding. Okay. The next one. What's next? It's a bit better. It's a bit like it's not too bad. So we're all traumatised. We're all just huddled. You're like, the show must go on, everybody. Everybody. What are you doing with the bodies?

Waiting until everyone leaves the enclosure, and then I'll be like, I'll catch up, and I'll just feed them to the dinosaur. I figured that was happening. Yeah, anyway. So the next one's like, you know the giant insects from prehistoric times? Yes. So like, giant

mosquitoes, giant dragonflies, big ol' spiders. Like that is the next one. And the way that works, it's quite a tight little enclosure. You go in like a cage, like a shark cage, and you get lowered down. I thought, again, you're gonna follow the actual what the zoo does, and have these

tanks full of insects. You're and you're like oh there it is completely safe and harmless but no okay so with a shark tank the way a shark cage works it's because of the way sharks attack okay and also a shark is is quite big and can't get through the well i mean the insects are about the size of, like, a... You know. Like a sub. Like a subway sub. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's okay. So we still go for the cage thing. So the insect... We'll just say, for argument's sake, the insect can't actually get inside the cage. Yeah, yeah. How do mosquitoes bite people, Jackson? Oh, fuck.

So let's just imagine this. A giant mosquito has just grabbed the side of your cage and his little stinger is just jamming through the holes, piercing kid after kid. I was imagining it like one person at a time as well. Okay, so it's got a bit of room to manoeuvre. Yeah. If it's one at a time, how many times are you stopping it before?

Like how many dead kids are coming back up? I feel like you guys will stop me after the first dead kid, right? If it's one at a time, how many times are you stopping it before? How many dead kids are coming back up? I feel like you guys will stop me after the first dead kid, right? I'll be like, oh, chuck him down to the spiders. Who's next then? And you guys will be like, no, no. Jackson, not on. One dead kid for that.

One dead kid and the loss of two good friends as friends. At this point, you're like, Jackson, come on. How long before the police get involved? I assume either straight away or you shut down cellular reception. I've been trying to call the cops this whole time, and there's just no reception. And then we stop for lunch. What is lunch, Jackson? Okay, so we're down to 16 out of 28 kids pre-lunch.

Yeah. What is lunch, Jackson? Lunch is just like dino burgers. So like any of the dinosaurs they killed, we turn into burgers. So basically we're having plesiosaur and chips. Yeah, plesiosaur and chips for everyone. They can get a photo

with some of the less dangerous dinosaurs. Like ancient monkeys. Like the ancient monkeys that came before us. They are going to rip someone's face off. Meet your ancestor today at Dinosaur Park. We've chained them up. They're chained up. Can you get a photo with them?

Dusha looks like maybe he's really not my friend anymore. Well, okay. I think I'm just going to... Lunch might be a good time to stop and talk about this. Okay, so hey guys. It's been a bit rough, but what do you think on the whole? Well, okay, you want it to be better than John Hammond. Yeah, because I thought John Hammond wasn't, you know...

Yeah, he wasn't great. He was making some odd choices. So, how many dead kids are on his hands? None. That we know of. Yeah, that we know of. That we know of, that's all right. Could be more.

How many dead kids are on your hands? Is it 11 at the moment? No, it's 12 at the moment, Jackson. Because of the mosquito. Because we stopped you. We stopped you. It was going to be more. 12 dead kids and one dead mercenary.

The mercenaries are holding up, though. Like, that's value. Well, it depends if you put them... The only reason they're holding up is just because you didn't put them in that cage. You wanted to put them in and then were murdered by the mosquitoes. I forgot how mosquitoes work, guys. Yeah. So, like, some pointers.

What do you reckon? Shut down the park. Hand yourself in to the local authorities. No, some pointers. Like, how can I improve this? Kill yourself. Have you been to an actual zoo? Yeah.

Okay. Go back to one Yeah Go back to one Take lots of photos Lots of notes, maybe model What you're doing, adapt it To what they have done See what they have done and adapt what you're doing To sort of match that

The mammoth enclosure was good though That's true, only after we pointed out Maybe you shouldn't put the cemetery tiger with it So you see it, you go to there was good though. That's true. Only after we pointed out maybe you shouldn't put the saber-toothed tiger with it. So you see, you go to there, see how the elephant park is run. You're like, that's a good idea. I'm going to do that with mammoths. See how they're like the tiger island is done?

I'm going to do that with saber-toothed tigers. See how they're like, see how they look after whales in an aquarium. Maybe do that with plesiosaurs. Maybe not that boat ride. I think that boat ride was a poor choice. Five kids died all at once. Also, I'd just like to point out to our listeners

that Jackson is taking this like someone who knows he should understand what we're telling him before but doesn't quite grasp it. Just like, you're mad at me and I can tell that and I respect that but I'm not sure what I've done. I know I'm in trouble, but for what? I don't know. And again, a terror bird.

Like, what you've done is basically... I just thought if I just had one terror bird... What you've done is you've got... Six dead children, Jackson. Initially, on the initial plan, it was like that was only terror birds. Okay. So what you've got is you've got like a butterfly enclosure.

Okay. Where we go in and we like pat the butterflies. Okay. All right. So imagine a butterfly enclosure at the zoo. There's also just a guy with a gun shooting us in the corner. But he's got a muzzle. But his gun doesn't.

Yeah. So maybe just the little pterodactyls And the pterobird Again, maybe what we do with emus and cassowaries And that kind of stuff Because again, very dangerous You know, if I have to go And maybe if I'm working for a zoo Or wildlife sanctuary

And I have to go feed a cassowary Which I'm assuming isn't nearly as dangerous as a pterobird Well, you don't know But I'm assuming a cassowary, probably not as dangerous, because, again, terror bird, top of the food chain. Cassowary, not. Yeah, hey. We have to feed cassowaries, like, almost in riot gear,

because they're fast and vicious. I mean, we just throw the meat in and kind of run. We just open the gate and like... Yeah, but you've now put this terror bird in the same enclosure. I also, guys, like, huddle in because I don't want the kids to hear. And I gave them the taste of human flesh. They've now had the taste of human flesh. I don't know if they want that more or less.

Jackson, your park's being shut down. I'm calling the cops. Have you put us in to murder us? Not intentionally. Because I feel we're not leaving this park alive. Hey, maybe. Um, alright. What's next, Jackson? You signed the waiver at the start. I didn't mind

still here. What's next, Jackson? Triceratopses? No, I'm leaving. I'm out of here. Look, lunch has been great. I'm pretty sure the mercenaries are going to shoot us on sight. Lunch has been great. Honestly, I think Jackson is going to have no witnesses for this. No witnesses.

Dinosaur Park opens tomorrow. The triceratops are probably going to impale. The rest of the park is a roller coaster, by the way. I feel like knowing you, it's a roller coaster that just doesn't have brakes and no restraints. No, it does, but it just goes through all of the next few enclosures. What are the next few enclosures, Jackson? Triceratopses? We're getting rammed.

Well, I mean, you might. No, we are getting rammed. Next. I mean, if you think. All the roller coasters are getting rammed, and the entire roller coaster. A fast-moving thing. It's probably going to get spooked.

We're getting rammed. That's part of the fun. No, no, no. It's ramming the track. Yeah. The cart's derailing and killing us all. Let's just say we lost no, no. What's next? It's ramming the track. Yeah. The cart's derailing and killing us all. Let's just say we lost the back cart. What's next, Jackson?

So that's another dead six kids. Ankylosaurus? What's that? No, he's the guy who's covered in, like, bony plates and shit, and he's got that tail that just racks shit. Okay. That's also going to take out the second cart. That's another dead six kids.

Actually, no. We'll say that was a cart of mercenaries. Yeah. Cart of mercenaries done. So we'll say that was a cart of mercenaries. Yeah, cart of mercenaries done. So we've got 11 kids left, four, three mercenaries, your two best friends. I did clone a couple of velociraptors. Yep, okay. I know I said I wouldn't.

Honestly, I don't think they'll be able to damage the rollercoaster. They might jump on and secretly, sneakily kill a couple of nurseries or kids and we're like hey no one's died in it we'll look back and there's a couple of velociraptors enjoying the ride ready to pounce and then that would be just us three left yes no we'd roll into the stop uh and i'd be like that's it that was jackson bailey's dinosaur park yep will you give me a glowing review on yelp that we would be mauled by raptors I think I think I'm just killing myself I'll just be embracing that raptor with open arms I like at first I was like I'm just gonna call the cop no I've seen too many things I can't live anymore Jackson hey you know it'd be good to go try to hug a raptor no

one's died trying to hug a raptor may as well be the first no i wouldn't even do i think i just drowned myself just go back to the pleasure enclosure and leap in yeah yeah right because there's no pleasure source to like eat you anymore i'm just drowning myself life will find a way zero out of ten no jackson death found a way death Death has... I've accepted death with open arms at this point. Death will find a way. And it did. Yeah.

John Hammond seems like a pure genius now. I think you might be also dead in this. I leave before anything gets askew. And maybe burn it down for the insurance.

Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson Bailey of Dinosaur Park I'm dead I'm just a corpse now I'm sorry guys tell my next of kin that I love them and I'm so sorry

that I thought this was a good idea you've got a lot of apologetic letters to write to some parents I think I'm just going to jail I think it's just. And all the waivers to them. Well, all the parents. I think I'm just going to jail. I think it's just prison. Not with those waivers. Ha ha!

Scottfried! If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com I'm