Plumbing the Death Star - Is Jonathan Kent a Terrible Father?

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

In which our heroes call into question Jonathan Kent's parenting technique. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, is that your thumb? Welcome to Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, Is Jonathan Kent a terrible father? So I'm putting it forward, and I know we can't really look at other... I don't want to look at the comic Superman. I'm looking at the Man of Steel Superman film. And I will put forward that Jonathan Kent, terrible father. Okay, what's your evidence?

Well, let's just say we introduced... Jonathan Kent introduced us, and one of the first things that we see of his interaction between the young Clark is after Clark has saved a whole school bus of children. And what's Jonathan Kent's response? You should let them drown. Yeah. You did wrong.

He just says that, doesn't he? He just comes out and is like. He doesn't. No, he said. I believe the quote from the film. I'm slight paraphrase is Clark goes, what did you want me to do? Let them die. And his response is, maybe. Well, that's

like if you're training your little super child to have, you're like, maybe. Like, I don't know. Don't come to me for answers. Listen to what I have to say, but don't come to me for answers. It's pretty much like in the film, so Clark tries to confide in his father, and his father's like, I don't know what to do. Just don't do that.

Yeah. Like, what should I have done? What's the alternative? tries to confide in his father and his father's like, I don't know what to do. Just don't do that. What should I have done? What's the alternative? I'm not your real dad. That's another thing that happens. Clark tries to confide in his father again and Jonathan is like, let me show you something. He's just spaceship he came in. You're not my real son.

Fuck off. How old is Clark's boy? He's like 10. He's 13 when he saves the boss. It's not even you're adopted. It's not even like I have some important news. You're not from around here. You're from fucking space. You're a fucking spaceman. But I think he's a terrible father because he

gives such bad advice. Even if he wasn't Superman, he is just even if it was like a normal kid getting his advice. It's like, say Dusha, you're like the star swimmer on your football team. I'm a star swimmer on my football team.

Damn it. I love ocean football. It doesn't work because you can't kick under water. You're a star swimmer in your school team and same thing happens right the bus gets run over by or run off the road by another car and it goes into the fucking ocean right or goes into the lake and you using your fucking swimming powers that you sort of managed to train up for start

like diving under and save one kid's life because that's really all that they see clark do would you be like would your father be like well done dushausha? Or would he be like, you saved that kid. You're an arsehole. Don't do it again. Okay, well look, there's a bit of a difference between Dusha being really good at swimming and an alien. No, because that's the thing. With Clark saving the boss, the only person that sees

anything weird is that girl who we never hear from again. And then you see that kid who was a dick. The fat orange head kid? The fat orange head kid that Clark actually saves from underwater. So there is nothing supernatural about it because all the kids were freaking out. And look, kids are little liars. They're not trustworthy.

We can all agree with this, right? Yeah, all right. Children lie. Children are shit. And the adult in that situation was the bus driver who's been knocked out. So you've got a bunch of unreliable, almost drowning kids who eyewitnesses aren't the best.

Did the school give Clark a medal? You'd hope. You would hope he came. Did he come home with the medal and Park Kent takes it off him? You don't deserve this. You don't deserve this medal. You're a terrible alien child. Children are horrible.

And also another point I want to raise is another meeting that we get another flashback is when clark is being picked on by these bullies that have been yelled at he's being called his is weird i guess i don't know why were they picking on him they're pulling him out of they pull him out of his car because he's reading and they call him a nerd. He's a massive nerd. I'd pick on Superman. Clark Kent, you nerd. Clark Kent reading the latest Tales of Ataxia book or something, and you're just like, man. Isn't that Plato? It's pretty intense that he gets pulled out of a car, though.

I'd be frightened. So he gets pulled out of a car. He almost gets assaulted. He starts getting picked on by these kids, and then they eventually stop because an adult... No, they just see an adult, don't they? That's a weird interaction. Just a weird adult. They turn around and there's like two adults

looking at a car and they just sort of turn and look and the kid's like, oh, we best not. And then Jonathan Kent comes in and goes, man, son, I really wanted you to punch one in the face. So, at this point, Jonathan knows that Clark has powers and so there's only two ways, really really that that whole incident could have happened.

One is that he just witnesses his son get emotionally tormented by these bullies. Or two, Clark snaps and punches the kid's face through his face. Into the sun! So he's just hoping. What is he hoping there? Either that his son gets emotionally abused or he just watches another kid die. Well, he's team emotional abuse

because the follow-up to that is he says, he's like, what did you want to do? And Clark's like, I really wanted to hit him, but I couldn't. He's like, pussy. He pretty much says, I wanted you to hit him too, but you couldn't him too But you couldn't Like you can't

So What does Jonathan Kent think is going to happen? Like what is Okay so say hypothetically Superman punches that kid and the kid dies What now? Hypothetically Let's say that he uppercuts him into the sun

Alright let's say hypothetically Superboy at this point Uppercuts that kid up into the sun That orange haired kid who's like I'm going to befriend Superman at this point. He's like, oh, no, not now. What happens next? Hang on, sorry, I just want to interrupt there.

Superman ruins that kid's life. Oh, and how. Because on the bus, he is a popular dick. And when you see him as an adult, he's working in a convenience store. Yeah. And he's fat and wearing glasses, and no one wants to talk to him.

And when Lana... Lana. Lois Lane... He just seems way too happy to be talking to a lady. You sure that's not just that guy's poor life choices? Maybe, but... Maybe he had a whole lot of other shit going on. Yeah, I mean, he was the bully in that situation.

He probably had a really rough home life. His father probably beat him. Upbringing, man. I mean, I want to get to it a bit later, but there's the point when the mother realises that Clark's safety's done and she's not happy about it. She is not happy at all.

Oh, no, no, she's happy. No, she's not. She thinks it was gone. Jesus, yeah. She just pretty much refers to Clark as Jesus. She's like, you have a Jesus. So I think that might well be happening. So if Clark does punch his kid's face in the sun, or he shows that he saved all his kids' lives,

I think they're either going to be like, oh, we have a new Jesus, or the government? Is he afraid of the government? Yeah, I genuinely don't know what he's afraid of. Okay, so say Clark is the government get him, right? They come and take little baby Clark. Is Park Kent scared that they'll dissect him? I don't know.

Because what tests can you do on Superman that are going to hurt him? If my kid was Superman, I'd be like, whatever. Do whatever you want, buddy. Do whatever. You want to fight cars? I don't give a fuck. I'm going to make you work because it's not hard for you, and then I don't have to.

I do think, though, I think Jonathan is on team emotional abuse because let's just take Jonathan's final moment in the film where his death scene. Oh, right. Yeah. So you could save me. Best not.

So there's a tornado coming in. Uh, just like a surprise tornado. Just like, Oh look, a tornado. I think I went to pee during the movie. No,

no. What happened? What happened? They're driving in a car and Clark is being a typical 15, 16 year old being like, Oh, is he like, Dad, you suck. Yeah, he's like, Dad, you suck. And he's like, whatever, son.

And you're like, you're not even my real dad. And he's like, you're right, I'm not. And then surprise tornado. Literally, it cuts to like a tornado. So what happens then is that Clark's like, fuck, I can save them all. And John's like, no, no, no, don't save them all. He's like, no, seriously, I can save them. He's like, no, no, no, don't save them all. He's just like, seriously, I can save them. He's like, no, no, no, you go over there and you wait.

I reckon Park Camp was just done with life at that point. I think so. But then they run around. They run away. They run under the bridge. And then they're like, oh, fuck, we forgot the dog. Whoopsie daisies. And Clark's like, look, I'll go in.

John's like, no, no, no, no, you stay here. I've got this. I've got this. Which is odd. Which is dumb because Clark wouldn't need to show any superhuman power. He just needs to walk in, get the dog. He literally, he might, he'd probably have, just run. But he could probably run a little bit faster than normal.

People wouldn't notice. Because again, no one's going to be focusing on Clark. If the door's stuck, that isn't going to be an issue because Clark can just make it look like it was unlocked, even if he does tear it off. I think Clark just wanted to die. Yeah, that's't going to be an issue because Clark can just make it look like it was unlocked, even if he does tear it off. I think Clark Kent just wanted to die. Yeah, that's literally... Not just that. I think in his last moment of

life, he just wanted to torment his adoptive son because again, I just think he hates children. Yeah, you can just imagine as the tornado comes, he just mouths, you're old. It's just one of those things. At that point, he's like 16 or so

That's going to scar a kid Watching your father or your pseudo father Die Adapted you know what I mean Watching your pseudo father die And then just be like knowing Full well that I could have saved him So easily

But he told me not to so I had to watch him die Which was pretty much my point. I think he just hates kids, hates them. He's like, you should have just let those kids drown. Killed those kids in the bus. You should have punched that kid in the face. Into the sun. Into the sun.

And quite frankly, I'm sick of your bullshit, so I'm going to kill myself and the dog. Wait, no, the dog got away. Dog survives. I'm going to kill myself and the dog. Wait, no, the dog got away. So I reckon there might be a reason why the Kents remain childless. I also think there's probably a very good reason why Kent's farmhouse is two stories, if you know what I mean. I think Martha might occasionally get a bit pregnant and be like, oh, look, here's the stairs again, Martha.

I'm not having no baths or kittens. I thought you just meant that Jonathan was unhappy with his marriage because they slept in separate things. Not that he just forced Mark Kent to get abortion. I'm pretty sure. All the time. Frequently. All the time. Because he's, hey, I'm pretty sure the only reason. No, that can't be, because then he would find the pod and just be like, let's just, let's just kill

the baby. I know, that's exactly the point. I think he tried to. I think there was a point where he was strangling that child and he looked up at Martha and he's like, I can't do it. And a single tear

rolled down Martha's cheek like, what's that? What's that? You want to have a child? You can't do it? No, physically, I can't do it.

His neck is too strong. All right then. All right then. Here we go. I feel like that would have been a stronger opening to the film than the Crypto thing was.

God, I hate Russell Crowe. We're all Parkhands. Like, in different scenarios, we're not like three Parkhands at the park. And we want to get rid of a Superman, a baby Superman that we can't kill. I'm going to bury him. I'm just going to go out the back of the farm,

just dig a huge hole, put him in a box, put him in there. Right? Right. That's how I'm going to get rid of baby Clark. I'm going to starve him to death. Does he need to eat?

Yes. Well, there you go. Yes. I thought he just photosynthesized like a plant. Well, yeah, okay, put him in the fucking dark, and he will starve to death. Because he takes, the movie points out a few times that it took Clark up until he was in school to fully adapt.

He didn't start getting powers until he was young-ish. It's not like the other Superman adaptations where in Superman 2 we see literally a baby pick up a car. So you could starve him? You could kill him. I reckon as a child you could probably kill him quite easily. He doesn't have powers yet. He might be stronger than normal.

So you reckon Jonathan just didn't try hard enough. Didn't try hard enough. That's his problem. I think he wanted to make money off it. And then he couldn't and that's why he's so bitter. Tell me you wouldn't try and make money off your super baby. Oh, you so would. Watch him lift up your car. Yeah, you can imagine a little sign at the front of the

Kent's farm like $2 a pop, come see my baby lift the car. Tell me you were on your way somewhere through Kansas and you saw that sign and you'd be like, yeah. Oh my god, I would be over there so fast. I have $2 to spare. That would be awesome. Man, you know, if you buried baby Clark,

you'd always have in the back of your head that one day he's just gonna out of the ground and come and get you. You'd be like by the fire reading a book and you'd just glance out the back window and Mark would be like what are you looking at? You'd be like nothing.

You'd be like moving things on top of there. I'm going to build a new barn. Right there. Made of solid stone. I'm going to build me an atomic bomb shelter. That's what I'm going to build me an atomic bomb shelter. That's what I'm going to do right here. Okay, then.

Park Kent. Park Kent was a terrible, terrible father. Exactly. I just think, not just Park Kent that hated Superman. I think everyone hated Superman. When you think about it, think of all the human interactions that he has as Superman, or as Clark Kent, but with potential powers. We've got Redhead's mother, and yes, he's like, oh, it's Jesus.

But they weren't that happy about it. No, she's clearly freaked out by it. She's scared of Jesus. You saved my son, you're an arsehole. It's almost like she calls him, she doesn't ever call him Jesus, but she might say God. No, she says it's a miracle. But it seems more like she's... Afraid of it.

It's not a miracle. It's Satan's miracle. Yeah. God had a plan for my child and that was to die. You prevented that. And then there's... Devil. Then you've got...

The girl on the bus seemed pretty freaked out to watch Clark push the bus. Yeah, she didn't like that. Stop saving us! And then there was... I think it was the weirdest reaction to him being nice. Nice and good. Even the lady at the bar who is being sexually harassed. She's like, don't, don't, let me be

sexually harassed. Come on, dude. Bow, it should fuck off. The guy in the fucking fishing vessel at the start. Yeah. He's like, you saved my life? Fuck you! In the military you've got law and order guy. start. It's like, you saved my life? Fuck you! In the military, you've got Law and Order guy. Christopher Maloney?

Yeah. You've got the whole military going, hmm, he's surrendered to us. Quickly, put him in cuffs and then devise a poison so we can kill him if needed. What the crap? Is this guy, he's like surrendering to you? Is it like he gives off a pheromone? Is that like another unfortunate

side effect of Earth's red sun? No. Everyone just is fearful of him? Hates him. And also, Lois Lane, the person who's meant to be the love interest, what a jerk. Like, one of the very first interactions, or the second interaction that she has with him when she's interrogating after he's put on the Kryptonian underwear,

and she's like, what's that S stand for him when she's interrogating after he's put on the Kryptonian underwear. And she's like, what's that S stand for? And he's like, well, actually, in my hometown or my home world, it actually stands for... Well, in America, buddy, that looks like an S. So I'm gonna call you shit cunt. That's what you are to me?

That's what they bleeped it out in the film. Because it was gonna be a profanity. Like, how arrogant is that? It it's like this is your first actual interview contact it must be maybe maybe humans have evolved so that they sort of they see him as a

person but they're really uncomfortable with him sort of like in like an invasion of the body snatcher situation where I know it looks human but just my lizard brain is gone They're really uncomfortable with him. Sort of like in an invasion of the body snatcher situation. I know it looks human, but my lizard brain is gone. You have a lizard brain? Everybody's got a lizard brain. So if you saw a chimp that could talk and was in a suit.

If I saw a chimp in a front row or something. And he came up and he was like, Bonsoir, would you like a potpour would you like also supermans maybe might be too nice even if someone came up to me in the street and was just randomly nice to me i would be so on edge people are frightened of nice people that is true i am very like again you're like what are you hiding yeah yeah you're gonna kill me are you going to kill me uh goes up to the army he's like arrest me i've I've done bad or I'm your... He's doing some... What is up your sleeve? So why did he like, you know, he had like the handcuffs

around him and he just breaks them. Like he's not like, I can get out of the... Why did he need to intimidate them? That was like the opposite of what he wanted to do. I think he tries to prove a point there by being like... It's like, I could get... You should just be like, I could get out of these, I'm not, because I'm trying to make you more comfortable. And if they're like, yeah, right, then he could. But to just be like, I could get out of these, I'm not, because I'm trying to make you more comfortable.

And if they're like, yeah, right, then he could. But to just be like, hey, motherfuckers, oh, what are you going to do now? No, but I reckon everybody's just, we're just designed to hate Superman. Maybe. I reckon we should just get rid of him. Yeah, we should shoot him into the sun. Would that make him super powered? Or would he die?

Would his cells be, like, overloaded? I think he'd overload his cells. What happens if you give too much food to a plant? Because that's basically... No, plants can burn. That's basically what Superman is to me, an oversized plant. I reckon that people hate Superman.

This is my theory. Especially when he's Superman in the Kryptonian underwear. It's because he's really gaudy. Like, it's like, red and blue. Like, I reckon he turns up, they're like, who's this joke? He's looking gorgeous. He's It's because he's really gaudy. It's like red and blue. I reckon he turns up there like, who's this joke? He's looking gorgeous. He's pumped. Yeah, they're like, oh, fuck you.

Dress normal. Look at you. All right, we get it. You're an alien. You don't need to fucking rub it in our faces. You can wear clothes. Batman's armor and stuff makes sense because he's Batman. He's got to protect himself.

Superman's just wearing that because he found it, I guess. There's nothing stopping him. He literally found it. He literally finds it. He's like, I'll wear this. This will be my clothes now. He could be like, as hobo Superman, he could be flying out there naked and it would make a lick of difference.

If I was a superhero, I'd just wear my clothes. I'd be naked. I don't, well that... If I was Superman, if I looked as good as Superman did and like was in peril The boy was like Fuck it Here's my cock

Can Superman get cold? What up Nah Cause again He's in the Antarctic Not doing much Okay here's a question Going back to Parkin

Being a terrible father Can we see any evidence In the film Of Parkin's terrible fathering Manifesting in some kind of Psychosis for Superman Yes In the complete and utter annihilation of new york city metropolis you fuck sorry metropolis because not with with the uh

odd form of parenting of park hent right yeah and him saying that you should have let the children die meaning that collateral damage is acceptable. Yeah, he's grown up thinking that death is not actually a big deal. Yeah, he's not saying it's not even a big deal. It's almost necessary. You should almost go out of your way to kill children. Because, again, my opinion, good Parkhand hates kids. So he's saying that, yeah, it doesn't matter who dies,

as long as you're alive, buddy, because you're the best. You're the boy. He's like, You're, because you're the best. You're the boy. You're the kid I couldn't kill. You're the boy who lived. But he's like, whatever. Kids can die. That can happen. Don't worry about it. Superman just doesn't give a fuck.

It's not a big deal when he kills Zod at the end. He's just, whatever, I've solved a problem. He destroys the city and just walks away, like whatever. And then tries to apply for a job as a reporter. He destroys the city and just walks away. Like, whatever. And then tries to apply for a job as a reporter. The city was fine when he did that. Was it? No, because you don't see the outside of the city.

It's all shot from the inside. I like to think that he goes up and he's like, I'd like to be a reporter. They're like, this building is being remodeled. No newspaper. There is no metropolis. Did you see what happened on the news? Oh my god. I lost all my family. He's like, no is no Metropolis. Did you see what happened on the news? Oh my god, like... I lost all my family.

He's like, no, no, no, no. See, that man wasn't wearing glasses. I have glasses on. So I think because he's decimated Metropolis, I think there are... More people probably even hate Superman than originally did. Yeah.

I don't like him. Neither does Jonathan. We've established that Jonathan was an awful father, Superman's an awful person, and... No, no, no, no, Superman's... Jonathan's an awful father, Superman's an awful person. No, no, no, no. Superman's... Jonathan's an awful father. He's just a product of his upbringing.

Superman is a product of his upbringing and has no concept of what collateral damage means. Yeah. So if you want to stay in contact with us, you can check us out on the Facebook page because we do have one of them

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That's solid. Solid three. Well, I've been Joel. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. Catch you on the flip side. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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