Plumbing the Death Star - Is Obi-Wan Kenobi Incompetent?

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

In which our heroes are orphaned on a desert planet, find a laser sword and boldly follow a strange old man on a misguided, ill-informed and incompetent journey into space. It's all things Obi-Wan as we look at his master plan of hiding Luke on Darth Vader’s home planet with Darth Vader’s last name with Darth Vader’s relatives in a house Darth Vader has definitely visited. Jackson proposes that Obi-Wan used up all his favours hiding Leia, Zammit questions how Hutts became the supreme rulers of the Outer Rim and Duscher just wants to know what Kit Fisto is up to these days. Join us in galaxy far, far away as we watch Obi-Wan give up and let Yoda deal with the consequences.Want to help Lord Vader get enough credits to find his missing kids? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the lonely dad’s life. Long live the Empire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. We really liked white chicks. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, is Obi-Wan Kenobi incompetent? Because, okay, earlier this season, we spoke about Doc Brown and how he's kind of an idiot. And how. Doesn't plan anything, just kind of goes for the first idea he has. And I think the same thing might have happened with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I kind of agree with this, because if we kind of look, take the prequels as what they were, and then Padme gives birth to some twins. And so then what Obi obi-wan does with that is is kind of weird because he grabs uh princess leia now i'm gonna put forward that yeah he hides her well like really well you know changes the last name gives her to some sort of high rich society chucks there in some planet that has nothing to do with any of the skywalker history yeah he's that's great heess. Really good hiding Leia.

Luke, on the other hand, fuck it. Where did Anakin grow up? Let's hide him there. What was Anakin's name? Fuck it. Skywalker. Beautiful. Hey, doesn't he have some relatives? Fuck it. Give him some relatives. It's like he kind of forgot about...

Vader won't ever find him there. I'm a goddamn genius. He forgot about Luke? He was like, yeah, Leia, that's done. And they were like, what about Luke? And he was like, oh, Luke. Oh, shit. And he'd already used up all his favors getting Leia there.

And he's like, I guess just put him back on Tatooine. What are Leia's parents' names? Otago? Otagu? Otagu? Otaku? Prince Otaga? Prince Otiga. What is it again? Isn't it Oregano? Oregano. Otago Otaku Prince of Tiger Prince a Tiger

What is it again? It's a tiger Isn't it Oregano? Oregano Prince of Tiger And Princess Oregano No Jimmy Smith

Princess Leia Jimmy Smith No Ogana Ogana Okinawa Ogana Alright so

You can just imagine Obi-Wan giving it to Jimmy Smith Like giving Leia to Jimmy Smith It's gone Jimmy Can you just Take care of this one Oh cool I'll raise this as my own And hey do you want me to take All right, so you can just imagine Obi-Wan giving it to Jimmy Smith, like giving Leia to Jimmy Smith. He's going, Jimmy, can you just take care of this one? Oh, cool, I'll raise this as my own. And hey, do you want me to take the other one? Is it Luke's name?

No. No. I've got some ideas. I've got some ideas. What is it? I'll tell you later. All right. You'll be pretty fucking impressed. just hides In quotation marks Luke just

With Vader's last name With Vader's people on Vader's home planet What does he think? What could his plan there conceivably be? Well that's where I'm going to jump in Because I disagree And I think that what he did with Luke and Leia Was super intelligent

Because It was a trap for Vader the whole time What? what he did with Luke and Leia was super intelligent. How? Because... Okay. It was a trap for Vader the whole time. What? Because Anakin knew that Padme was pregnant. He had no idea that it was twins. So, Vader would have instantly, probably just, like, if you're a father and you know you're a father but you never met your kids,

you're probably just going to assume you have one. Yeah, that's fair. I wouldn't assume twins. That would be odd. That would be an odd assumption. And in a patriarchal society, you would always secretly hope for a boy as well? Yeah, I suppose. Is all of Star Wars patriarchal, though? Those people with the dickheads

certainly are. You know the people with the long tentacle ears? Yeah, the Twi'leks. There's a lot of lady Twi'leks knocking about. You notice that? Yeah, the Twi'leks. There's a lot of lady Twi'leks. They're pretty much all ladies. You notice that? And then the dudes are gross.

And they've got the pointy teeth. Just because there's a lot of them doesn't mean they're a matriarchal or patriarchal society. I don't know. Because most of those are just dancing. No, there are a lot of Jedis. There are a lot of Jedis. Those guys are strong with the Force. I like those guys.

Yeah, no, I'm a big fan. Weird, weird... Sorry, side note note i'll get back to why i think everyone's great great in a second but all those weird aliens that are like jedi in the prequels but never really get looked into i love all those guys there's a fucking kid fister kit fister Fisto? Kit. Kit Fisto. I'm not... Kit Fisto. Yeah. What is Kit Fisto? Which one's he?

He's in Attack of the Clones. He's got, like, long green... Oh, yeah. He's sick as hell. He looks sort of like... He's like a fish dude. Yeah. He looks like he should be underwater, but he's not.

He's just fucking up droids. Kicking it. I'd love to see... I still would love to see a Hutt as a Jedi. No, but they need to be agile. Nah. The best the Hutt has is that I assume Hutts can slime up walls.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Super irrelevant, but who cares? That's what the show's about. Welcome, guys. The Hutts, because their Jedi mind tricks don't work on them, means they're probably very anti-force, as in like their biological makeup probably counters the force. Oh, slug atheists. So you can't have like a Waddo.

Yeah, sort of like slug atheists. Not sort of like slug, that implies that there are slug atheists in our world. Oh yeah. You know the slug atheists? Yeah. Kind of like that. So you can't. All atheists.

Okay, so you can't get a, uh, you can't get a You can't get a Watto Force wielder I guess In the same problem I'd say that Trojan No I'd say with that that there's less evidence To suggest that's the case he might just have developed To be like

Repel the force where with hot Every hot you see is like Force negative negative the horse force i still feel very sorry for any heart that's like i want to be a jedi i feel sorry for any hot that doesn't want to be a mob that's true just plum out a lot any any heart that just wants to live a nice just easy existence maybe wants Doesn't happen. Maybe wants to be a writer, a poet, some sort of artist. Nope, you're a mobster. Something that doesn't involve moving.

Yeah. Fuck huts. Just fuck them and their mobility issues. How do they become rulers of the world? Seriously. No, they're not. They own the outskirts. Come on, guys.

Come on. They own... They exist outside the republic where there's pretty much no laws but how did they rise up money it's not even a question how the the question is how do huts get around by being the most immobile you don't evolve to be immobile the slugs get around fine in their society because not society but like their environment because whatever they're just kicking it on leaves and shit a hut is in our society if if like a hut was is like worked for you he would always be late yeah and suddenly he's meant to like be my boss fuck yeah but then he just has you killed if you disagree i feel like huts can only be born into power or it doesn't make sense.

Huts. Too big. What's in there? Organs? It's a lot of organs. All right. So back to Obi-Wan. Back to Obi-Wan.

No, back to Kit Fist. The real star of this episode. Anyway, so Vader knows that he has a kid. Obi-Wan puts Leia, who is the secret child really yeah uh hidden well of was already discussed with luke he lives in a cave with luke uh in hope that like it's pretty much a trap for vader because he's in a cave yeah everyone lives in a cave yeah but not with luke not with no no no sorry on the same planetot. Luke's living in a yurt, drinking blue milk from presumably blue cows. He's a moisture farmer. Yeah. Okay, so yeah.

Where does the blue milk come from? Blue cows. Blue cows. Huts. Huts. Huts. Either rule the world or we milk them. Space cows. Get milked. Get milked, motherfucker. It's the only two roles they have in life. Get milked, motherfucker. In's the only two roles they have in life. Get milked, motherfucker.

The hot way. Would you whisper that as you milked his little teeth? He'd be like, get milked, motherfucker. Just imagine Jabba just lying over all these... Ippu kapuli kudaki. Slave lair, all the Twi'leks like... Tasty. Alright, back to what I was saying. The fourth develops in people when they're young.

Vader would sense Luke. The same way that he probably could have sensed Leia if they hid both of them. But, because he hid Luke so poorly, Vader's like, of course he's on fucking Tatooine. And then, by Obi-Wan being

on the planet with him, Vader's just just all of a sudden like i'm gonna go fuck my kid up and try and turn him to the dark side which assumedly would probably be his plan yeah because you know one sith master one apprentice yeah yeah and if luke who has had no father for the rest of his like for his entire life had vader come down and be like luke fuck tatooine come join me yeah rule the like the empire luke would probably be cool with that but obi-wan steps in and like gets to him first when shit starts going down all of a sudden obi-wan's all up in luke's shit yeah it's almost like that it was his plan the whole time however it's not all Obi-Wan all up in his shit. It's Luke stumbles upon him.

And Obi-Wan's like, I didn't plan for this. No, no, no. I was just having some issues with some sand people. No, no, no. But Luke gets knocked out and then all of a sudden Obi-Wan's there. Wait, you reckon Obi-Wan's constantly watching him? Yeah. Creepy. That's disturbing. Not in a... Caveman.

Man in a cave. Not in a... Not in a... Not in a Man in a cave, rather. Not in a... Not in a... Not in like a sex way. No, we don't ever said that at all. That's what we were assuming. Yeah, that's what everyone was assuming just then, because you're like, creepy.

No, like a guardian, a watchful guardian. A sentinel, if you will. Yeah. Or a gargoyle. But it's not Obi-Wan coming up with a plan of let's help luke it's i'm just gonna leave luke doing his own shit luke finds some droids he's like oh hey yeah when shit starts getting real yeah but obi-wan doesn't know that like r2's coming down with no but you also droids i just droids are droids they're not jedi that's yeah. Some droids can feel the force. Yeah, but you can't sense a droid with the force.

Come on, that's dumb. Unrealistic. This is fucking grade one bullshit right here. So he finds the droids, they go to see Obi-Wan. Maybe that means old Ben. That's also the best. They don't change Luke's name to Luke Skywalker, but Obi-Wan's like, I'm going to be Ben Kenobi.

That'll fool everyone. See, this is my point. He's an idiot. It's just, I'm gonna... Let's hide Luke Skywalker by calling him Luke Skywalker. Also, for some reason he can't know that I'm here because he'll recognize me. Like, I'm gonna live in a cave

instead of in town. What's that about? Well, that could be another... Why'm gonna live in a cave instead of in town. Like, what's that about? Well, that could be another... Why does he live in the... Well, okay, back to the fence of Obi-Wan, because maybe because he was a fucking star of the Clone Wars. Oh, so, like, Luke's gonna see him

and be like, I'm... No, no, no, no, I mean other people. Luke won't recognize him, but... Change his face. He changed his name. If you're living in a cave, why change your name? Well, no, because, no, no. I mean, other people. Luke won't recognize him, but... Change his face. He changed his name. If you're living in a cave, why change your name? Well, no, because, like, he hobbles into town. It's like, oh, it's old Ben. Not, hey, it's old...

So you're saying that if he lived in the town for long enough... People would see him eventually. People would recognize him, but he hobbles into town to get, like, blue milk. Nobody recognizes him. Because he's got his little... Oh, the hood. Oh, well, the hood. little Oh the hood Oh well the hood

Yeah the hood The hood up Okay And he like When he goes to the Fucking buy blue milk He just puts his hands In front of his face

How about Also Also just using the force You don't recognise me Yeah I'm not the man You're looking for Yeah exactly

Are you Obi-Wan I'm Ben No but And then they're like He's Ben No but how do you know He hasn't already done that But even if he hasn't already done that

Then why is he living in a cave then Because you could just be living In Tatooine proper I'm banned. And then they're like, he's banned. No, but how do you know he hasn't already done that? But even if he hasn't already done that, then why is he living in a cave then? Because you could just be living in Tatooine proper. You're a good guy. You don't want to be using the force on the entire town all of the time so they don't recognise you. For the greater good. What kind of advertising?

Or living in a cave is even better for the greater good because you don't need to do mind tricks on everyone. No, no, no, no, no. Living in a shitty cave. Oh, I pulled a Joel Dushan. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This fucking town. Shut the fuck up. This fucking town in Tatooine. Who runs the town? Probably a hut. Yep. And what did we just establish with huts and Jedi? What?

But. No, no, no, fuck you How good are Hutts' eyesight? I'm not even talking about the fucking force I don't want to hear about it It's like a podunk town in Tatooine This is like a bullshit town

Mos Eisley It's not a bullshit town, it's the main town No, but not where fucking Luke lives Luke lives in that weird little He doesn't live in Moss Eyes. What am I talking about? He lives on a moisture farm. Right? So why doesn't, like, Ben Ben, in quotation marks

can Obi come in and just be like whatever. Like the people living on this bullshit moisture farm have seen pictures of fucking Obi-Wan. Just own the next farm over. Also, why does he call himself similar, you know, Obi-Wan, old Ben. Why is he old there, Ben?

Why do you call yourself Ben, you piece of shit? Dementia. Maybe he's old. Also, here's another theory that I'm just going to keep... We keep throwing theories at you guys that I keep coming up with. Because I feel like I'm onto the right thing, but I don't think I've said the right thing yet. Classic Lucian. Go on.

Okay. Obi-Wan, Strong with the Force. Luke, Force. Strong with the Force. Force is growing within Luke. He's got potential. Son of the most powerful Jedi in the world. Correct. Put them together. That's a lot of Force energies

rising up from Tatooine. Vader's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, there. Keep him apart a bit. Boop, boop. It's just old Ben. It's like that cave, that cave like an odd mile out of that moisture farm where I'm getting a lot of force.

No, it's a very big distance because he takes the land speed. Yeah, it's true. But going on from what you're saying, maybe it's also good to hide Luke in plain sight with Obi-Wan there because again, Obi-Wan, very powerful with the force,

maybe he could be like, boop, boop, boop, bo boop boop boop ah there's a Jedi on Tatooine even though there's actually two Jedi it's just Obi-Wan and he's like maybe that's why

he hasn't fucked with Obi-Wan because he's getting the force off Luke thinking that's actually all Obi-Wan thinking fuck Obi-Wan has grown

with power and then when he's on the Death Star later on and he's isolated Obi-Wan he's like ha

you're a piece of shit fuck you you're a piece of shit now piece of god damn shit Piece of goddamn shit. If you cut me down I'll be stronger or some bullshit. But then he doesn't. He just cuts him down. He becomes a ghost.

Which is quite powerful because he trains Luke from that ghost force. He says use the force a couple times. That's not exactly the best training. How do you know that Obi-Wan isn't helping guide the proton missile? I don't. At all. The proton missile? I don't. Yep. At all. So, a proton missile?

The one that blows up the Death Star. If Obi-Wan can do that, why did he not just do everything? Because he's a ghost and can't be hurt now. Why doesn't every Jedi just kill themselves and have ghost fights when they can't hassle anyone? Because what's the stakes in a ghost fight. It's like the droids and clones all over again. It's bullshit

because there's no stakes. Like, die, clone some more. Droids die, build some more. Who cares? Jedi ghosts, you die, you're not even you're already dead. Who cares? Just get all the Jedi ghosts, send them to some fuck-off planet. Yes, in the outer rim somewhere. We don't want to deal with this anymore. We're just going to deal with our own thing here.

Wait, does that mean... Okay, so Jedi's are powered by... Jedi Ghosts are powered by the... I've already figured out a form of my plan, but I'm going to say it anyway because we've started. Go on. Jedi Ghosts powered by the Force. Huts, anti-Force.

Can Huts not see Jedi Ghosts? Can anyone see Jedi Ghosts? Is it just people who are with the Force? Are they a physical manifestation? No. Manifesting. No. Manifesting. people who are with the force are they a physical manifestation no no offense because you just said the ghosts aren't a real thing so they are a real thing in this universe because force ghosts they're force ghosts and it's only the four sensitive people can see them because obi-wan can hear

qui-gon and and i'm assuming that only luke and leia see little Havowave at the end of the last one? I guess so. I mean, I don't know enough about Force ghosts, guys. I feel like this is an under... Yeah. Also, since we know that the Force is midichlorians, how does that make a ghost? Yeah, what the fuck is going on there? What's that about?

Nah, but you could... Even though that's a dumb, dumb thing. Fuck you, George Lucas. I guess you could argue that the midichlorians only spark the force, then you've actually got to sort of combine with what is in your mind and stuff. So it's like a... Okay. So that's why they have to get him around before puberty,

because that's when the... I don't know. Is Obi-Wan's plan to just die and let Yoda deal with it? Well, Obi-Wan's plan definitely involved dying. That's a bad... If your plan involves dying and you're not committing suicide... If you're killing yourself, it should involve dying. Well, it was suicide by Vader.

But how does that help Luke at all? No, because it inspires... Makes him grieve and inspires him. Oh, inspires him. Not just like, dude, it's just, come on, man. Because he blew up the planet of your sister. Come on, bro. Yeah, but he doesn't know

their sisters. Well, just tell him. Well, that would have solved a lot of problems. That would have solved some problems. He was probably going to tell them, but then witnessed them make out and was like, maybe it's better if they don't know. Best not. Best not. I'm going solved some problems. I was probably going to tell them, but then Witness the Makeout was like, maybe it's better if they don't know. Best not. Best not.

I'm going to die now. It's not on me. See, that's what actually happened. This is now on Yoda. Yeah, he dies, turns up in fucking the Dagobah system, and it's like, yo, Yoda, they kissed. Bye. Yoda's like, Yoda, you deal with this.

So yeah, I don't think Obi-Wan's incompetent at all I think he knew what he was doing it's just not a great plan oh no it's an okay plan

it works I guess it's fine I mean there are some confusing elements I still don't know why he didn't just kick it at the moisture farm

like there's a couple things I don't yeah why didn't he if it was a trap for Vader why did he start

calling himself old Ben Kenobi and not change Luke's name. Also, why did he keep Kenobi? Why Old Ben? I think the biggest question is, why a cave? But no one calls him Ben Kenobi. People call him Old Ben.

No one calls him Ben Kenobi except for aunt and uncle. Well, then he should have told them to keep their mouths shut. Keep your fucking mouth shut. A little bit of force booping on them. They only say that to Luke and Luke wouldn't know because he was born when the war ended. I suppose so. I suppose he's forgiven on

most counts, old man. Sure is. I think that his plan is just sort of reckless rather than a bad plan. But as a trap goes, he never actually... No, no, no. It's not a trap, it's more like a... It's not a trap because it's not like he wants Vader on Tatooine.

It's more like he's away from everything. And like, Vader's like, it's not worth my effort, kind of thing. So Vader just can't be arsed? And then when shit starts getting fucked up... Too sleepy? No, when the droids head there and... Notice when shit gets fucked up on Tatooine, they fuck off?

The droids? The droids land on Tatooine Notice when Chick gets fucked up on Tatooine, they fuck off? The droids? The droids land on Tatooine, then shit starts getting fucked on Tatooine. Ben and fucking Luke chuff off. Uh-huh. Get away from there. I thought you said he couldn't sense droids. No, but... No, when the Empire is near Tatooine.

Yeah. I don't know why I'm focusing on the droids so much. I don't know why. The droids just started, because that's what the Empire's looking for. Just plant the Death Star, blow that shit up. Which they do.

Good job, Empire. You fucked that one up. Bad move. Maybe put a grate over the exhaust. Yeah. You can just shoot two missiles, then. One to blow up the grate, one to blow up the Death Star.

Yeah, true. I suppose so. And if you're a Jedi that can bend a torpedo so that it's going in a straight line and then all of a sudden vertical. So it goes from horizontal to vertical all of a sudden. Well, it's in space. There's no real...

You can do whatever you like to a missile in space. So vertical, horizontal, it means nothing. It's space. Why doesn't... Why does the Death Star have trenches? I don't know why the Death Star is anything. Like, just as a structure. Yeah.

Obi-Wan's in the clear here. Who designed the fucking Death Star? Yeah. And why call it the Death Star? I mean, does everyone know the Emperor is evil? Because I feel they're trying to... Thoughtless peace sphere. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I'm trying to think... Love moon. Love moon. Right? Because if you're trying to be like,'re the emperor here the emperor is good for everybody uh the emperor is love and tits and and everyone more like ruling with an iron fist sort of thing it's like don't fuck with the government i feel like if they had like a like a spokesperson like

a handsome young fella who was like join the empire it's swell death stop here yeah because somebody's gotta yeah call the love except mean, who can fucking see it? Like, the fucking Ewoks? They don't know what's going on I'll tell you, okay Who knows what's going on? Obi-Wan He knows what's up

He knows the score His plan? Flawless Alright, I'll agree that They can see that everything about him is flawless I still don't know why he lived in a cave He could get stuff for a house No, but'll agree that... I can see that everything about him is flawless. I still don't know why he lived in a cave. He could get stuff for a house. No, but I explained that bit.

You didn't explain, like, why... He doesn't want to hide out in plain sight. No, I mean a house, like, near where his cave is. Maybe he just fucking likes caves. Caves are pretty tits. Yeah, they're alright. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Remember, guys, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

I've also been Joel. Remember, guys, Obi-Wan, he knows what's up. Also, caves. All right. All right. They get the job done. They do get the job done. Sand people, though.

Hassle. They will always come back in greater number. Yeah. Whoa, exponential sand people? Like, if they left, that's more sand people? They're like the Hydra. Whoa, exponential sand people? Like if they left, that's more sand people? They're like the Hydra. Guys, that's terrifying. Cut off one head, two more grows.

That's just infinite sand people. I think it's more a saying rather than an actual thing. No, no, no, it's literal. And in greater numbers. That's the only line that's said. Do you know my favourite scene in all of the entire Star Wars when I was like 10 was the sand people shooting

at the pod races and then like the commentator saying something and the camera just pans up to the sand people and they're just like I just thought that was fucking hilarious I don't even know why it's just so dumb did they do that more than once as well? like the cutaways

no no they do that noise is in the original series as why. It's just so dumb. It's pretty funny. Did they do that more than once as well? Like the cutaway? No, no, they do. That noise is in the original series as well. But it's just that cutaway. It's just so funny. I think more film should have that cutaway. The laser just... It's a good noise to make when you've shot a gun. The fact that they're holding their gun above their head

like it's a victory. It's like they don't achieve it every time.