Plumbing the Death Star - Is the Cullen's Plan Sensible in Any Way?

Episode Date: February 13, 2022

In the continuation of our 4 part mini-series we try to understand what Carlisle's plan is and get caught in a loop. Feel free to email us in at [e-mail] if you know the answer. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sans pants network hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star the second part of our plum light mini series the lion should not fuck the lamb i'm joel i'm jackson and i'm also joel and today we're here to ask the important questions like is the collens plan sensible in any way? So what is their plan? So what the planning, Barry? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, I think... Turn a boy in...

Abort, abort, abort. Joel Zammett, you're going, you're starting. He married me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They've planned. No, Joel Zammett. Step back, step back, step back. Walk it back, walk it back, walk it back.

Joel Zammett. Come back from the ledge. Okay, because when we get into the nitty gritty, which is what you just tried to open with, yes. There is some fucked up shit happening there. Me and Dusha were rappelling down the side of a cliff. I knew, woo! What if I went face first and jumped?

He doesn't even have a rope. Does he think that's what free, not free, but face jumping would do? Free falling, like in that song, jump. I'm free falling. It's a reference to when Bella jumped off a cliff. I got the reference. There's water in the bottom right.

Oh, no, we're in a fire. He's got ages to talk and fall. That's a big cliff. He's definitely going to die. He's full on death

down there, yeah. Yeah, he's full on death. But he's got to take his ages to get down to his corpse because we're being safe. That's going to take us ages to get down to his corpse because we're being safe. That's fucked up. See you in 20 minutes, the corpse of Joel Zammett.

Impaled on a goddamn pine tree. It's a long time to think about it. But if he's at the top of a pine tree, we'll hit it before we hit the ground. He's just slowly sliding down that pine tree. Oh, getting bigger and bigger. If we get close to Zammett on the pine tree, I kick off the hill, grab his arms and tear him in half.

Thanks, buddy. Oh, my God. You're a murderer. Oh, fuck. Oh, fucking hell. He didn't die. He didn't die. He's dead now.

He's dead now. No, the plan in question is the plan of the Cullen family. So Carlisle, matriarch of the Cullen family, and his wife, patriarch of the Cullen family. So Carlisle, matriarch of the Cullen family, and his wife. Patriarch of the Cullen family? Patriarch. They're like, surely he's the patriarch. The patriarch of the Cullen family. Yeah.

Carlisle. He makes a bunch of vampires. Yeah. But then he's got to keep these vampires hidden in secret. Okay. So what does he do? Yeah. He's like my ageless children. Yep. then he's got to keep these vampires hidden in secret okay so what does he do yeah he and he's like my ageless children yep we're gonna go from high school to high school enrolling you presumably

at like a lower end of the year year level like yeah for the australian audience like year 11 12 i always assume yeah because like you can't basically enroll them year seven, which is for us like 13, 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got to be, we're pretending these kids are what, 16 at the youngest? Yeah. Oh, they are.

They do not look 16. They are an old 16. 17 at the youngest? If you squint. Well, okay, I think Edward Cullen is in... Yeah, he says he's 17. 17. They say he's 17.

And how long has he been in the Forks High School? How long you been 17? That's a classic one. How long he been in Forks High School? No, no, no. Because he... When did they get there? No, because the kids know about him.

So he must have been there for at least a year. Yeah. Right? They're like, oh, it's the Cullens. You cannot pass edward cullen off as 14 yeah sorry you'll have to be fifth no because it it's american school we're being fucking idiots so it's a high school yeah yeah so what does that mean what do you say 16 17 18 yeah so 16 you reckon yeah and bella meets him when he's going high school high school high

school high school yeah because their plan is yeah move around town yeah yeah yeah but then and you can see this in the movie, they have this quilt of all of their graduation caps. Yeah. So they've been doing it for centuries. Well, Edward's 108. Okay, well, they've been doing this for years and years and years. Well, no, because he's graduating every three years.

It's not centuries. No, no, it's not centuries. But also, it's like, yeah, they've got like a quilt of caps, but how many kids are going to the school? Yeah, that's true. It's all the kids, right? Yeah, which, okay, the plan starts's not Sanchez. But also, it's like, yeah, they've got like a quilt of caps, but how many kids are going to the school? Yeah, that's right. It's all the kids, right? Yeah, which, okay, the plan starts to get fucked up because like the plan from a very big distance of like,

okay, the vampires are sticking together as a family unit, traveling around every couple of years, so no one's noticing that they're not aging. Yeah. Fine. Brilliant. Putting them in a high school together. Okay, we're getting a bit stupider. Get. Brilliant. Putting them in a high school together. Okay. We're getting a bit stupider.

Them being adopted siblings who are also married and or openly in relationships. Worst idea. Yeah. Carlisle should be like, don't kiss on the school ground. Pretend your brother and sister. You don't even have to pretend your brother and sister.

Just pretend you're not fucking. Okay. What did you do? I'm getting another call from your fucking teachers that you're kissing in class you're meant to be simply you're meant to be siblings and you're a mackinac yeah even like if they're adopted siblings it they're still siblings um all right so this okay yeah so in american again you have please if you want to, I guess, yell at me for being wrong, you're more than welcome to. You can email us in, dearplumberthedestart at gmail.com.

We'll check the inbox. Yeah, we will. There's this one infograph that I just happened to click on. Okay. Uh-oh. And I'm not going to any other source. So for American education, secondary school, so high school. So it's grade 9, 10, 11, 12.

Oh, no. Okay, fuck. Freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. And that starts at 14. So the last year is senior. It's grade 12, 17. So are they saying that Ed would... Are they full on...

No, no, that's when it starts. It's like when we graduated high school, which is the same... Because like 9, 10, 11, 12 is what it is in Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like year 9, 10. Anyway, we would have started year 9 as a 14-year-old. That's true.

So we turned 15 in year 9. So he would just be rolling in. He'd skip freshman year. Obviously, he'd skip freshman year. He could roll in as a sophomore. Yeah. I would say he's enrolling as a freshman, but please

educate my son. He's stupid. He got held back a lot. I would just roll in as a sophomore. Well, let's roleplay it, okay? I'll be the principal. One of you be Carlisle. One of you be Edward. Yeah, I'll be Edward. Daddy. I think that this role play would go so much smoother.

I don't like this. I would have been a sensible Edward. Yeah. Hey, what's up? I'm big for a teenager. It happens. Dad, before we go see the principal, what am I doing? What is the plan?

You got to tell me. You got to fill me in. How old are you, Edward? I'm 109. What the fuck are you talking about, Dad? Dad, I'm 109. You know this. I'm looking through the smoked glass window of my office being like,

what are they talking about? First of all, you fucking idiot, you're 108. Second of all, when people ask how old you are, I hope you're not saying 108. Because the Volturi will come and behead me. I know, but Dad, I thought there was a private conversation between me and you. How old are you, Edward? Well, what do you want me to say?

How old do you say you are? It depends who's asking. If I want to come to a club, I say I'm 21. Cunt. You're 16 now. You're right, thank you. This is your sophomore year. 16, sophomore.

Okay, all right, all right. Hi, come in. Hope everything's okay. Sorry, it was just a bit of drama. Just some family drama. Nothing would impact our education. Welcome to normal high school. I'm Jackson, the principal.

Hi, I'm Carlisle. This is my son, Edward. Nice to meet you, Mr. Principal. I must say, your son is enormous. I would say that he's a regular 16-year-old teenager son. Teenagers can be big. Yeah, I had a growth spurt just like six months ago. You should have seen me.

I was such a scrawny boy. He's still scrawny. He's just tall now. Yeah, he's one of the many children that you're having enrolled at the school all at once, yeah? Yeah, you should see my brother. He's a scrawny. He's just tall now. Yeah. Yeah. He's one of the many children that you're having enrolled at the school all at once. Yeah. Yeah. You should see my brother. He's a jock.

You think I'm big? He's big. Yes. I've noticed all the Cullen children are enormous. Alice isn't that big. She's wee. No, Alice is normal size. That's correct, Mr. Carlyle.

But she does. She does look like a woman. Correct. She has like a 25-year-old vibe, but she's not big. She's not big. She's just a wee. Anyway, what were you saying? And you will be staying with us for the entire schooling year?

Of course. Oh, yeah, for the next couple, hopefully. And you're moving into the neighborhood permanently? Yes. What do you mean? I'm enrolling. I'm not enrolling just for the year. I just wondered if you were-

He's a doctor, and we've got a whole house in the woods That's where our practice is You've got to go to the woods No no no no My practice is not in the woods I work at a regular hospital Why do we have a pregnancy We have a birthing suite in our house

Surely that's our Surely that is Where we practice You practice medicine right dad? Why do you have that? Maybe I do house calls Why do you have that? House calls is when you go to them.

No, I know. Son, I know. I'm just thinking about other things I did, like when a good family friend, Jacob. Jacob Black, I think he goes to. You know Jacob Black? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to hit 26 foot 7 next year.

You think I'm big? I dig a lot of that. A lot of anonymous children in Fox. Some of the water. Some of the Fox overcast fog. It makes us big. It's for big kids. It's the opposite of plants.

The lack of sunlight makes them huge. Welcome to the school. See, it was easy. It was easy, Jack. And then I guess at the end of the year, you graduate and you're gone. You're a ghost. You're out of there. Well, I don't have to go back to high school because I've graduated. Are they all in the same year?

No. No, I don't think so. So I guess we've got to hang around for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, there'd be some of them like the jock guy. What's his name? Jock man. Another one you mean.

Janet. Emmett. Emmett. Emmett. Yeah, Emmett, you would roll and be like, hey, this is his senior year. Yeah Emmett. Emmett. Yeah, Emmett, you would roll and be like, hey, this is his senior year. Yeah, okay, for sure.

He's going to get a scholarship. He'd just be graduating every year, which is pretty funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you would also- But what would he be doing when I, as a 15-year-old sophomore, then has like three years to do-

No, see, this is smart, because what are you doing? What are you doing? What's Edward doing? All right, fuck around. He's got to get a job. Right. Well, yeah, that's what would happen.

You would just be like, because I guess it does. Look, we'll get back to some big problems. Stop fucking kissing your sister. But like, because Edward, for instance, say like, Bala didn't happen. Sorry, Bala, you're cut out of the story. That car hit you. Edward was out swimming, the car came.

Edward was sniffing some other girl or whatever. Or eating a deer or something. Anyway, you're smooshed now. In the principal's office, arguing. What do you mean I'm big for a boy? You gotta stop sniffing the other kids! Okay? That's something boys do! They call it, you missed the sniff in the other kids. Okay? It's something boys do.

They're calling you Mr. Sniff in the hallways. No, they don't. They do. It's a normal thing adolescent boys do when they hit puberty. I, as a principal, am in touch with the children, and they don't sniff each other. As far as I know. Okay?

Some of the high schools I've been to was completely normal. There was one back in 1848 I knew it Knew what? Nothing I don't want to be I don't want to be consumed But say Bella didn't happen

Then Edward's plan would probably be Start as a sophomore Graduate high school Then he's probably got till when he would be feasibly 25. So saying that he started at 16. Or you've probably got 10 years in the same town. But do they go to university? Yeah. Because none of them

seem to go to university. What do they do in the interim when we meet them? They're in roughly their senior year, or at least one of them, or a couple of them in their senior year. Do they go on to, say, get a college degree? Because that's a lot of paperwork. Well, yeah, I think the real crux of it is why go to-

I feel like the paperwork is not really going to be a problem. I feel like they've probably done it before. Yeah, they've got a guy that can make fake passports. Yeah. It's fine. But the real crux of it is why go to high school at all? Yeah, yes, correct. Who's that for?

Something to do. Well, I mean, if Edward is just doing it because he loves getting a high school at all yeah yes correct who's that for something to do well i mean if edward is just doing it because he loves getting a high school education well it's his favorite thing to do is it just coming down to the fact that something that isn't actually explored in the movie but would make sense yeah sort of is that they stop aging but maybe his mental maturity just stays at 17 too which makes him him wanting to fuck Bella way less fucked. Yeah, that is true. He's holding on to the same sort of virtues that he had.

He was a 17-year-old back then. Yeah, that's true. He's very much like, no, no, we need to be married because my 108 years of life has not changed that. I still have the values I have. Get born now and you'd want to fuck. You got born too old. You got born in that era, so it's very...

Why does he get turned to a... He's got like a flu or some shit. No, because when Jasper turned, he was fighting for states' rights. That's true. Yeah. So you've got to assume there's some evolution there. So he's got to changed his viewpoint pretty quickly.

You can learn and you can grow and you can realize fighting for the Confederates. Fighting for states, right. Being in the Confederate Army, probably not the right call. I would say, if you look back, famously bad call. Yeah, if you went back and had the choice. Big losers.

Probably make the other one. I'd probably pick the Union, I don't know. back and had the choice. Big losers. Probably make the other one. I'd probably pick the Union, I don't know. If I had the choice. I'd pick the one that not only history will reflect on as morally the correct choice, but also the one that won. Like, it's a pretty easy call. It's a twofer. You get to feel good that you made the right choice.

Also, you get to feel good because you win. You got the victory. But yeah, because if we're assuming that Edward has, is that every vampire remains- Jasper cops the owl and also dies. Rough. Yeah, that's a bummer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And gets his heart broken. Yeah, exactly. Maybe the worst thing that can happen in the Twilight universe. I was gonna say, her name's Maria. I don't know why I remember that. Unless it's not Maria, in which case, don't know why I think her name's maria i don't know why i remember that unless it's not maria in which case don't know why i think her name's maria anyway yeah because you got to assume

but that's also an interesting thing yeah that means because jasper as a vampire is in love with maria and then meets alice yeah and then falls in love again yep so like that shows that like you can evolution is possible which is but also, because that kind of goes against almost everything that Twilight does. Because falling in love is the most fucked up. It's special. It's so special. There's nothing more important. No one has had better sex in the world than Bella and Edward the first time they had sex.

I feel like that if I fucked so intensely that the bed broke and there was holes in the wall, I'd probably reflect on it and be like, yeah, that was pretty good too. Fair enough. That was my first time. I've got nothing to compare it to. If I lost my virginity whilst also breaking the bed from fucking too hard, I'd be telling everyone. But does this mean because a lot of the vampires, as we know,

don't have beds, right? Yeah. So when Bella goes to the Cullens it's like, oh yeah, all these rooms zero beds.

Yeah. But there are vampires and we're like, where are they fucking? Are they just That role is always fucking on the floor or in the bath

like weird places. Because they can't are they flying and fucking but they don't fly in this. No, no, no. But I guess they can jump real high. Yeah, no,

they just fuck in the woods or whatever. It's awesome. They can climb a tree and fuck. Yeah. Useful, maybe? I don't know. They're slamming their cold genitals into each other, jizzing vampire jizz into each other's pussies. Venom. It's awesome. Oh, wait, no, it's not. No, the cum is good.

Yeah, the cum is awesome. We know the cum is good. The cum is good. The cum is... The cum is... Wow. Bellissimo. Okay. Primo cum, that's what that is. Take that cum to the doctor, they say, Jesus Christ, that's some cum. Yeah, that's gonna come. It's gonna be like one, two...

Two good cums. One, two shots, and she pregnant. That's what that is. I'm getting pregnant just being around this cum, is what they say to you. Yeah. That is what happens. The pheromones of this cum are making me pregnant. And not a little bit pregnant already

That's crazy It's growing It's becoming half a baby At this point It's fucked They can fuck wherever they want But a bed seems more Maybe they have a fucking bed in the house we don't see

Or a swing I guess because they're not using a bed. But also, Edward, because it's not like, because Edward's like, I mean, he's a virgin. Yeah. Yeah. But he also is very aware of how fucking would go. Meaning that he's probably spoken to Emmett, and Emmett's like, oh, we've wrecked. Because Emmett fucks.

He fucks hard. Emmett's like, dude, I am a jackhammer. Okay? And then he mimes it. He's like, dude, I am a jackhammer. And then he mimes it. He's like, pretend this ottoman, right, is my wife. That's what it's like. My wife and your step-sister, because we're all adopted together. Maybe that's why Edward's really reluctant to fuck Bella. He's like, it seems really intense.

From the demonstrations Emmett's given me, it seems intense. Because surely if they're fucking with that much ferocity and they don't have a bed or anything and say they're fucking on the cool tiles, surely they're shattering those cool tiles. Well, I assume that they fuck so angrily, Edward and Bella, because Edward the whole time is like, I'm going to eat this lady.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. I meant... So normally they just fuck normal. It's just that he was so full of animal lust that it went crazy mode. Yeah, yeah, right. Because later on they fuck and it's fine. Oh, that's right. It's just chill. It's just between a was so full of animal lust that it went crazy mode. Yeah, yeah, right. Because later on they fuck and it's fine. Oh, that's right.

It's just chill. It's just between a vampire and a human. Yeah. Or a vampire man and a human lady. Because it'd be like if you could fuck like a steak. I'm going to fucking eat you. While you're very hungry. Yeah, like you're starving, but you want to fuck the steak so bad.

Or like a suckling pig, okay? And you're fucking the shit out of it. But you're also so hungry you're gonna fuck it like crazy. Okay? I don't know if I would. I don't know if I would just... I don't know if I would do that.

I don't know if I'm fucking a sandwich and I want to eat. If I'm gonna go crazy fucking it. Yeah, I just... That's an emotion I can't really if I'm fucking a sandwich and I want to eat. If I'm going to go crazy fucking it. Yeah, I just... That's an emotion I can't really fathom. Oh, I can't wait to eat this. I'm going to eat this suckling pig because I got to fuck the shit out of it. I hate this so bad, so I'm taking out that frustration.

But fuck it, because you also find it very sexually attractive. Whatever suckling pigs are, babe. That's the situation, Ed. Imagine you're at the fancy dinner, they take off the tureen to reveal the suckling pig, and you're like, oh no. That's a sexy pig. I'm in trouble.

There's a lot of problems. That is the best metaphor for what Edwin goes through in the Twilight franchise. When she walks into the room in front of the fan. He's like, oh no. I want to fuck that suckling pig so bad, but I also want to eat it because it's delicious.

Not only do I want to fuck that suckling pig, I also like, she smells like the best suckling pig I've ever smelled in my fucking life. It's so good, it's so crispy and delicious. I've had suckling pig, but this pig This suckling pig, I'm in trouble. I'm in real trouble. So yeah, that's what he goes through.

That's what he's going through. I guess that might be why it's intense. I guess Emmett and Alice Not Alice, sorry. Emmett and We said it before. Jasper and Alice and it's Emmett and

What's her name? Not Esme, that's Mum. Other girl. Valerie? Something like that. Anyway. That's the baby. That's not what's happening there.

Is that just regular? Yeah, I guess it's between two vampires if they're also jackhammering because they're speedy. They're both tough, so it's fine. But that's again where I'm like, but then the floors would be getting dead. Maybe they can keep their legs. Maybe they go and fuck on a rock or something.

Maybe that's why they don't. Maybe Carlisle has a rule. No fucking in the house. So when they go to school. They're like, we're not in the house. We can go crazy. I should have said no macking out at school. Yeah, so I guess the Cullens plan becomes stupid when it's in the hands of the Cullens, right?

Like, you're right. It's not the stupidest plan in the world. I don't know why you would send the kids to high school, but if you've got to kill time somehow for your eternal life. I'm just trying to think. So you're sending someone, like your group of adopted children who some of them are dating. Yeah, yeah. Like Rosalie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rosalie. There you go. It's subtle. So Rosalie and Jasper don't have Colin as a last name. So that's a good start. That is a good start. But. Well, because, I mean, like, okay.

If they're all adopted, nobody's blood related. That's fine. If Carlisle explained to me as the principal, if he's like, hey, the kids are going to kiss on school grounds. Are we missing the easiest thing? Is it because Carlisle turns Rosalie? Yeah. Because I was going to be like, are Rosalie and Jasper not turned by Carlisle or Esme? And they just meet up and then they turn the vegetarian boat. No, I think they're-

Well, you can join that group. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. That's what I thought. And that's why I thought I had a different last name. Because, yeah, Jasper wasn't turned by- Carlisle or Esme. There was that young newborn that was going to be part of their clan.

But then they had a head ripped off. That's too bad. I know. Yeah. So, yeah, you don't have to be turned by Carlisle. No, but I was trying to figure out why some adopt a name and some don't. I don't know. Can we do another roleplay? Okay.

You be Carlisle, you be Esme. Hi, thanks for coming in. I'm the principal of the normal school, Jackson Bailey. Hi, I'm Carlisle. I've noticed your kids are kissing a lot. They're not related by blood. Yeah, well, actually, Carlisle. I've noticed your kids are kissing a lot. They're not related by blood. Well, actually, they're adopted. We adopted,

I know you two know me, it's like Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie. How long? So Alice and is it Alice and Emmett? Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie

who has that last name that would be Alice and Emmett we adopted them and the other two like yeah they live with us but they're just like long term boyfriend girlfriend did you adopt these kids all at the same time no no no we adopted Alice and Emmett

as a couple no Alice is dating jasper okay but you so yeah rose uh rosalie and jasper uh hail that's their last name yeah yeah yeah they're not adopted by you no no their parents died um so okay so you understand the teenager's date right yeah yeah yeah you know how sometimes one teenager comes from a family that's not so great, and then another family will take that teenager in? I'm just trying to untangle it. We just had some complaints about everybody kissing at lunch.

That's good. We encourage it. They're young. They're very hormonal. I don't want to see it, so I encourage them to do it at school. You haven't met the Hales? Like, they're absolute garbage people, and we've taken them in because it's a bad living situation. So we've taken them in, and you're very sorry that they're doing that on school grounds.

But again, they're kids. They're young. They are 100% 16 or 17. They are teen ages. Teenaging human children. Yeah, sure. Yeah, these hormones are going wild so it's very

look okay I just wanted to untangle that's all yeah but they are not they're not first like yeah they're not blood related at all yeah yeah yeah

they don't have the same surname at all yeah that's that is true that's a good point you should have probably known that with their reports

I'm not very good at my job that's fair I can say that yeah yeah yeah what was the name of the school again? It was a very normal school. Very normal school. That's why we've been here.

Not Suspicious High School. And we have Not Suspicious Teenage Human Children. Perfectly fine. This is weird because your secret is obvious. What's my secret? You don't run this school. We know. I'm an escaped crazy person.

I killed an age, previous principal, and I'm using his life like someone would wear the skin of their victim. Twilight takes place in, I guess, a fantasy world, so maybe you're an ape that got shot with a special gun. Turned you into a principal. Kind of like a reverse Captain Underpants situation. You got shot with in principle gun. I escaped from a remote testing facility

trying to make the perfect principle. And I was not that. I was considered failure number two. Number one died immediately from the bullet wound. And then I was ranked number two because I was easily the next worst. In fact, they considered putting me number one, even though number one is a corpse.

Yeah, he is dead. I was so bad at being a principal that I haven't left this desk in days. I don't know how. I'm truly trapped. Thanks for coming. What if you could tell me how to sit up from a chair? I'd really appreciate that. Yeah, so there might be like a talking to, like, hey,

your child and their girlfriend are a lot of PDA, and we don't do that. But then again, you might have like a principal might bring them down and have a chat with that. But ultimately, that just comes down to, I guess, the school and how it deals with it. Yeah, yeah. And I think once it's all untangled,

it probably would be... But it must be a common... I don't know how schools deal with that normally. See, this is where the big blind spot for me, because I went to... I didn't go to a co-ed school. Yeah, yeah, yeah be. I don't know how schools deal with that normally. I see. This is where I, the big blind spot for me. Cause I went to, I didn't go to a co-ed school. Yeah. Yeah. So we didn't really have.

I went to a co-ed school and yeah, I, you wouldn't be macking out with people on school grounds. It was frowned upon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to frown upon.

Just don't do it. I think you got in a lot of trouble for like big time PDA in high school. Yeah. Teach eating you with a roller. Stop. Yeah. None of that. Spraying you with like a. 69ing in high school from memory. Teach you how to eat with a roll-up. Stop! None of that. Spraying you with a... 69ing in the classroom is not okay.

I don't care how bored you are with maths. Some two fucking horny alley cats. Meow! So the Edwards, the Cullens plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Cullens plan must get boring for the Cullens. Yeah, it must be. But I'm just trying to work out, so you've got the kids going to the high school,

and because there is an age gap in quotation marks there between them, and so when one graduates, the next couple are there, and so you're still basically hanging around that particular town until the last one graduates. And so that can be at least, say, three years, basically. Which is crazy, because if you're a kid. None of them can pass for 14. But Edward Cullen could pass for 18.

Yeah. So why not start them all at 18? Because then you've got one year of them graduating. So then you're like, why are they in high school? So you have that. So I guess you've got this weird thing where they can like age and make human friends. And then after you graduate, i'm assuming because you are presenting yourself as like a wealthy family yeah your dad's a doctor i don't know what esme does

but your dad is a doctor he's got a whole birthing chamber in his house in his house apparently yeah it's pretty good esme's a nurse okay and then Because they have a lot of medical stuff in their house So surely that's So the house is where People go for medical No but it's not, he's at a hospital But they have A birthing suite

Or a birthing chamber as I previously called it Like a madman But no because in the movie Carlisle When he saves Bella Or when he saves bella or when he like looks after bella when she's nearly hit by a car yeah she it's at a hospital he works night shifts i don't really know he's there during the day in forks all right about forks is it's so overcast the vampires don't get to it which also means that the vampires have a very finite area that they can go in well yeah because if like the thing thing that Forks makes so special is because of that.

But surely there has to be other places in the US. Actually, if you think about that, then there's... I don't know what she does for a job. I can tell you she fell out of a tree aged 16. Thanks, Twilight Wiki. That's awesome. But yeah, that's fucked up because that means there's a finite amount of towns and you can't...

There's got to be like a radius, right? The Cullens all have skin color listed. Guess what it is? White? No. Pale? Yep. Why?

They're vampires. I get it. But... So Forks, right? Yeah. You're done in Forks. Yeah. Everybody's graduated and you can't stick around because it's going to get suspicious.

You can't move to the next town over. You probably can't even stay in the same state well depending because again you could move to the next town over but again the potential there of other people seeing that well that's what I mean so if you're going to move you need to move

also records? surely you change your name right? I don't know what is the American system? I don't even know what the Australian system is in terms of when people go to like a high school or whatever. Edward goes to say they go like a town 40 miles away. Right.

Yeah. Your academic record. Is he re-enrolled as Edward Cullen? Surely not. But even if he is, can the principal of that school be like, where did you previously go? Oh, hey, I have an Edward Cullen in the like the Department of Education's records. And also like we don't have an Edward Cullen in a sophomore year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? We don't have your other academic records. Unless they're going to that guy, the lawyer. Oh, you're the guy from the last one. Yeah, who just basically gives them free, well, not free, but I guess he pays for it, the passports and that kind of stuff. So he's always constantly faking,

this seems like a little heartache. And so much work for so little benefit. And then- Just to help the mental- I'm sorry, because I'm on a bad website. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, I can see. So to help my argument that I think came up today's episode and not last week's episode. You know the mental age thing I was saying?

Yeah, yeah. Which was last week's episode, I think. No, it was this week's episode. It was today. Okay, just checking. Twilight is consuming my goddamn brain yes um esme was turned into a vampire after edward and jasper what she is their mom a older human yeah so she well then because carlisle is maybe a bit more responsible uh and he's just like well i i want to date someone age no no no he saves her no no i lost myself she she was a mom and then lost her kid then decides that's the straw that broke the camel's back and then carl

like he's unsuccessful yeah okay but carlisle saves her and then turns her but then she's mom now but edward's already a vampire at this point and so is jasper yeah edward also is a is a vampire from like so many of them are vampires from times previous to this one right yeah yeah so like they're always, like, do they not, they, I just can't understand why you go to school. Because that's the thing. That's what, that's what I'm trying to,

because again, in my head, I'm trying to justify like the plan of like going to schools and multiple schools and to be like, first off,

it doesn't make sense because you're right. There's like the, like the geolocation is the problem because you have to find a place where you don't sparkle because when a human

finds out that we, that we sparkle bad, that's the worst thing that can happen. Yeah. So we have to find a place where you don't sparkle. Because when a human finds out that we sparkle bad, that's the worst thing that can happen. So we have to find these kind of finance schools. And so it's like, all right, we've got to go to all these different places. And if we enroll you guys as, let's say we start Alice as the sophomore, was it? So it's like we start her there, that gives us like three years uh or plus basically yeah or like you know to just figure out this town we can stay here we can kind of

get some roots down yeah and then after she graduates we then have to uproot and leave again to do it all again because with the end goal and I understand that you as a doctor, Carlisle, are clearly getting employed and going to hospitals or at least earning enough money that we can buy a house in this wood that looks very nice and has ceiling to floor, just windows.

Carlisle's 23. Of course he is. What the fuck? The plan's... Everything's just getting stupider. So the plan Everything's just getting stupid So Carla's 23 Esme's 26 Edward's 17 Let's find out some more ages

It's definitely gonna fuck this up So you're basically spending all this money And then you have to sell it all And then go somewhere else, and then you have to sell it all and then go somewhere else again. But then you have to falsify a lot of records because you have to then sell. You would leave a paper trail. Yeah, absolutely. You're selling your house in Forks.

You're going somewhere else. You're then having to make sure that Alice once again has the birth certificate and all this kind of stuff as someone who is 14, you then have to then fake academic records so that they can enroll in, in like the education system. You then, but would Carlisle be faking his records because he would have a reference of a university.

He would have a reference of like a hospital he worked at if he wants to work at other hospitals. Do they constantly? Yeah. Because he is 23. Is this the plan of a dumb fuck 23-year-old who is like, my best times were in high school and I want to give my kids that experience. It gets worse because apart from Edward, all of the kids are older than high school age.

Everyone's between like 19 and 21. So why are they in high school? I don't know. They could just go to college. they could just get a fucking job they could just go they just hang out at the house is it because they are from bygone eras they're like no get a high school education so we know what the fuck is going on well yeah that's smart but also but also dumb yeah but also maybe how a 23 year old thinks yeah maybe they don't mentally age. But also like Alice and Emmett I mean, this is old, but it's not. Emmett was turned in

1935. So that's not like it's modern-ish. Who's the most modern vampire? Bella? She gets turned in 2009 or something. Let's find out. When does Bella get turned? I mean, in the movie, but.

But then why? Because the core of it. Say the example is like, for the reason you're doing this is because you want to stay in touch with the youth or you want to understand what the youth because like you can understand a lot about the world as it is yeah by talking to teenagers but i was gonna say not talking to teenagers by just like consuming media yeah watching news um reading like a lot of different like sources those kind of things you can do a lot of that and if you're not sleeping and you don't get tired you and if you have um perfect recall yeah you can kind of get a lot of

this information pretty quickly so you can kind of understand like a lot of what is happening in society so you don't necessarily need to go to high school no and in fact if you're going to high school you're probably getting a more narrow view of that because you're getting that town whereas a university might be better because you're being introduced to more ideas, newer ideas, people from different walks of life. I accidentally looked at a picture of Renesmee and upset myself.

That's scary. Also, do you remember what Renesmee's middle name is? No. Carly. Cause that's the two dads names, but combined like Renesmee. I would in fact go the other way around.

Charlyle. No, no. No, I meant make the baby's name Carly Renesmee. Because having a fucked up middle name is more appropriate. Mine's Christopher. That's a fucked name. Ronald and Lindsay, baby. I'm suffering.

Yeah, because also- Pick one, I reckon. How about that? Ronald, because you're a clown. And if you go to a university, right? Yeah. And I understand, yes, you have to look at the geolocation because if it's in a sunny place, you're like, oh, no, we spanked.

They can pretty much stay on the east, the northern east coast of America, Canada. Yeah. They could maybe go to like some places in Britain, except no, because it's specifically Forks, because specifically Forks is overcast. I don't know where they go after that. But they've gone to other places before. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm imagining they're just being like- And also, if they're that rich, and if're that they've lived that long just wear a hat yeah well that's from resident evil hey the big lady yeah or if you're that rich like in like a

family you've accrued that much money because what are they spending their money on food no nothing so they've accrued a lot of money over time and clearly they've got enough a lot of wealth to have a birthing suite in their own house. It just seems so fucking strange. No one's given birth. I don't know why they have that. Just in case. Is it a birthing suite?

It's a fucking birthing suite. It's a full-on birthing suite. It's a full-on birthing suite. Anyway, so you have a lot of money. Did he just rack shit from the hospital because vampires are quick? No one will notice if he steals a cheeky birthing sweet yeah you just rack shit from the hospital do you know you can just take shit yeah so you have enough well if you say even just through basic like very long-term investments

over a period of like a hundred years they could build a university and like at a place where there is that low light fog or whatever that then like yeah gets other human people. Build a university build a tunnel underneath the university and then you have a bunch of students No! But then you have a bunch Connect your house to the tunnel, never go

outside. Oh that's not bad but or you build in a place that has. What a good idea is here But you build in a place with low... What a good idea, isn't it? You build in a place with low light, and so then you can always go there. You could set up Carlisle as a lecturer. And again, having mature-age students isn't necessarily a terrible idea.

And also to keep not graduating is easy. We had a whole movie about this. Van Wilder. He doesn't graduate. But he sucks off a dog or something. He does. He doesn't. He jer sucks off a dog or something he doesn't he jerks off a dog yeah it's not good yeah that scene was cut in some places but australia was like this is good same with jackass too australia is fine with watching people eat animal cum we love it in fine yeah that cob has fucked it how long do we think? That's the thing

There's no point with You don't need to cement yourself Because who fucking cares Because the problem isn't that What are they trying to do? They're just killing time There's so much better ways to kill time If they want to be in that kind of

Youth sphere I don't know why Edward's 108 or whatever yeah yeah like some of them have only been 17 some of them have only been vampires like 60 years at this point yeah so maybe they're just like look we'll burn through school until we're really fucking sick of it then we'll go do something else because we can't stick around in a town for more than well yeah that's what i was gonna ask how long do you reckon they could do 10 maximum in a town before it got suspicious 10 10 years. I reckon Edward could look anywhere from 16 to 30,

to be honest. Yeah. But, but the, you've got to remember if it was just one of them, I would say, yeah. Okay.

20. You probably got 20. Nah. Good genes. they're adopted. Nevermind. Yeah. That's the thing.

Good genes. What? Huh? Good. They married well. Each other. Each other. All my kids married each other

Good genes Well, their dad's a doctor Maybe he's experimenting on them Maybe they've got them good medicine I would just be like I am a plastic surgeon Everyone has work done I wouldn't like living in a town

Where incest family is hot Because I'd be like This is raising They're not related Yeah, it doesn't matter They're not related. Yeah, it doesn't matter. They're not related. I mean, it does matter and I'm glad.

JD, JD. If popular television and movies has led me to believe fucking your step-sibling is apparently the best thing. Especially if you think it's stuck in a fucking fridge or a dryer.

That's awesome. I'll be pulling out, pulling out. Oh, no. Oh, actually, this feels sick as hell. Put it on the dryer, spin around, drill your penis on it. Apart from pornography, but it's also in quite a lot of pop culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where like fucking your non-blood related cousin, brother, whatever, he's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cousins is good. Cousins is okay, yeah, it's alright. Actually, that's fucked up. good yeah that's actually that's actually that's fucked up that's fucked up and disgusting no it's actually it's fine no no no no no no no what you need to remember is that's disgusting you have a bad brain full of rotten thoughts and nothing you've ever said has been true so do we think like maximum amount of time they could spend in one town, 10 years?

I think only, but no, 10 is only my answer. Not because I don't think that any of them could get away with longer than 10, because I absolutely think they could. It's just all of them. Yeah. Because you'd be like, you look exactly the same as you did when we met 10 years ago, and I look like shit. Which is fine, but all of your brothers and sisters who are all fucking also look good.

And then it's like, you're not living a very good life. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, I know, yeah. That's true. But how often are they running into people that they went to high school with? How often are they doing that? Because, again, all we are seeing is them going to high school, graduating, nothing, hanging out of house. They're not getting a job.

They're not doing anything else. So what are they doing? Clearly they should be doing something if they want to blend in job. They're not doing anything else. So what are they doing? Clearly they should be doing something if they want to blend in, but they're not doing anything. What are they doing? I don't know. What do they want? How do they kill their time?

What would you do, though? Yeah. What would I do? I watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books. Jerk off heaps. Jerk off heaps with my good cum. See what I could and couldn't fuck? Edward is reading a lot, and he's listening to a lot of music. but imagine you're edward right yeah you have eternity right yeah you have all the

time in the world and you're spending some of this time learning learning high school science for the eighth time in your life and you have to pretend to be bad at it so yeah because yeah that's something i was thinking as well edward can't excel he has to force himself to get answers wrong that he definitely knows the answers. Again, he's a correct answer to. He is reliving high school, which for some reason is a good thing. I would. Okay, if I went back to high school now,

I would also not get all the answers right, even though I've done it before. It's that kind of thing to be like, you know. Probably how to write an essay now is different. Oh, no, thank you. I don't want to do that. I had to learn a new thing at work the other day, and I was angry about it.

Don't teach me new shit. I still learn a new thing at work the other day and I was angry about it. Don't teach me new shit. I'm old now. Reliving high school over and over again. Imagine they invent podcasting too. I'm going to quit. I was bad at podcasting originally. Podcasting too? How do I figure this out?

Where do I put my hand? Web 3.0 podcasting podcast i don't understand this at all fuck yeah you're just reliving and you and again you are you've already seen surely if you've been through high school enough times you are seeing the kind of like almost the tropes of high school you're seeing the kind of like oh this is going to happen this is going to happen it's going to happen not in terms of like you know, but like those broad strokes. Maybe part of it is like, it's fun to fuck with people. Pranks are good.

If my favorite movie series and television series of all time Jackass has taught me anything, pranks fucking good. So maybe Edward is like putting snakes in people's bags or whatever.

Edward's so jackass they weren't going back to high school until Fucking good. So maybe Edward is like putting snakes in people's bags. Edward saw Jackass. They weren't going back to high school until Edward saw Jackass when it aired on MTV and was like, I could get away with all this shit. I have an idea. I could throw a soccer ball at someone. Do you know where we can get some snakes? I do. Yes.

I'm Edward Cullen, and welcome to Jackass. He's got to do the music. Because the idea comes from Carlisle, right? It is, because again, with the tapestry of graduation caps, it's Carlisle.

That's true. That's true. And again, Carlisle as the matriarch, as you have said, Jackass. of graduation caps it starts Carla as a little that's true that's true so is it is it just and again Carla as the matriarch as you have said matriarch age 23

but I would call him the patriarch that's fair as well that's fair as well I would in fact say Esme is probably the matriarch probably the matriarch

yeah yeah yeah yeah probably so yeah as the patriarch of that family he's probably dictating what goes on I think living in a town And plus because I guess he's been there the longest

And he's their vampire dad Oh he married his daughter Is that how it works? Well yeah Edward is my son that I turn And now I turn this lady And now she's my wife Yeah if you turn to douche her andusha and then fucked Dusha,

that would be pretty fucked up. No, yeah, if I- No, no, no, but Edward turns Bella. That's true. He's just fluent behavior. It's just normal. It's normal behavior.

Well, no, basically, if I beat you both, if you beat us both and only fucked Dusha, I'd be cut. I'm turning both of you. You're my son, Jackson,

and I'm fucking Dusha. Either fuck both of us Or none of us He can't pick He did That's fucked up That's what I'm saying Cause Carlisle did

He turned a lot of them Was like you're now my sons or daughters And then he went Esme And he's like You are my wife Yeah but you're wife see But Is it just like

Are we falling for like Cause they've put a label on it We're just falling for a bit That's true To them they just don't give a fuck It it just like, are we falling for like, because they've put a label on it, we're just falling for it. That's true. To them, they just don't give a fuck. It's just like, oh, if we just say we're a family, then people won't be like. Because it could be a thing where it's like next. Fuck friends.

Yeah, fuck friends. But like, you know, next town over. Yeah, now, I don't know, Alice's wife, Esme, you're the baby. It's all fucked up. Something's going on. Everyone, just put your name in a hat. We're going to like, all right, who's going to be the freshman this time around? I'll make you my husband.

Edwin, you're doctor. Me, Carlisle, I'm going to be a freshman. I would hate if Carlisle rolled into my town. Not because of vampires, but just because he's 23. And I'm like, how are you a fucking doctor? I'm so much older than you. And I have done nothing. I have pissed my life away.

I'm a doctor. You've saved lives. You should just be mad at any doctor. I am! Fair enough. Hey, Joel, how are you feeling today? Well, it was good until I walked into your office, saw your degree. Now I'm pissed off.

And did he become a doctor at 23? I guess he became a doctor after. Well, he became a doctor in, I believe. Did he become a doctor before a vampire, or did he study as a vampire? Does it really matter? No, I guess either way. Either way, whatever. Yeah, at this point.

Okay, are we asking questions we don't want the answers to? Were degrees just, like, shorter back in the day? But it's funny to think think because if you're 23, I guess the Twilight movies are being like, 23 could be anywhere from 20 to 30. Like you visually don't change. Yes, you do. I look like shit now.

When I was 23, I was gorgeous. You don't know. You fucks, you don't fucking know. Now a quick word from our sponsors. Oh, by the way, we have limited edition Plumlight merch available right now on our website, sanspantsradio.com. And then just click on apparel. We've got two options of the Plumlight logo for our literate and illiterate friends

and two options for you to pick which Joel you want to pledge your allegiance to. For those wanting to throw their support behind JD, we have a Team Joel tee available, and for those of you who want to be in my corner, we have a Team Joel tee available. Let us know whose side you're on, Team Joel or Team Joel. Available now at sanspantsradio.com slash shop. Jacob Black. I don't know why I said Jacob Black. jacobradio.com slash shop. Jacob Black. I don't know why I said Jacob Black.

I could have said Jacob. Calls Carlisle Dr. Fang, which is pretty funny. Fucking got him. Yeah, fucking destroyed. So while you look that up, again, what, because like, are there better plans? Because what is, I'm trying to think, are there better plans for the Cullens to do? But like, what is their plan? Is their plan to just blend in?

Imagine this. Because they could just make a family business. You have turned me, Joel Dusha, let's say Adam, and your wife. Okay. What do you do with us? Where would you put us? What do we want to do? I want to fuck suckling pigs.

You'll pick ostracize for the family. I'm living in the sewers. Goodbye. I guess because we're not going to high school. That's the status. Yeah, I think any of us could quite fit in. Well, our voices don't age. Yeah. Eternal podcast.

Someone would argue that, like, hey, we can listen to your first episode and you guys sound a lot different. Correct. Jackson was once a young British boy. Yeah, I don't know what happened to me. My voice got lazy and bad. that like hey we can listen to your first episode and you guys sound a lot different correct jackson was once a young british boy i don't know what happened to me my voice got lazy and bad yeah but that might also happen if we keep doing this internal vampires but like in terms of our jobs that wouldn't like we could keep going as vampires and no one would know yeah yeah yeah uh our live shows would be at night and mostly at night uh. I guess we could kind of get away with it.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm like, boys, what if I hang about? Jackson, Dusha, you're enrolling in high school. I'm going to perfectly normal high school. Hey, look, I know Vampire. Once we shave you guys, you're going to look like fresh. That hair doesn't grow back. I know.

You're going to look like fresh baby faceammett, that hair doesn't go back. I know. You're going to look like fresh baby face teens. Trust me. Joel Zammett, we are both 30. Yep. You sent us to high school. Yeah. We're going to have no friends. No, you're not.

You're going to look like fresh baby face teens. We're going to have no friends. Everyone's going to score us shitheads. You're saying this now because you've got beards Once I shave this We'll get you some young wigs My eyes Joel Zabat I have crow's feet

My eyes betray my ears They're golden They are golden sir Don't you understand this? When you look deep into my face, Joel Zabat, you can see that I have weathered time. I am not a young-looking man anymore. But when you turn into a vampire, you get smooth alabaster skin.

Yeah, but for my posture. Nah, you get better posture. Vampires don't slouch. That's canon. We know that is canon. That's true. Speaking of canon, you want to know when Carla became don't slouch. That's canon. We know that is canon. That's true. Speaking of canon, you want to know when Carlisle became a doctor? After he was a vampire.

You know why? It's because he used to be a vampire hunter. So Carlisle is the son of a priest. That's crazy. And that priest used to hunt vampires, werewolves, et cetera. And one day, his father got too old. Carlisle took over his role. And then he gets

attacked by a vampire dies in the street turned into a vampire tries to kill himself heaps can't because he's too strong then eats a deer and he's like oh i don't have to kill guys and then he is not tempted by blood he's been around it for so long yeah that's fucked up okay do you reckon douche if we were in high school together, I like to imagine, like as vampires, I just keep leaning over to you and being like, they're all like suckling pigs. Jackson, you are 30. Before we even add vampire age to it. You better be talking about the teacher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The staff room, The staff room. The staff room. The staff room. Staff room, whatever. Staff room janitor, whatever, dude. Whatever, dude.

Whatever. The adult. The canteen lady. Suckling pigs, all of them. A bunch of suckling pigs. Do you think it'll be alright if I fuck any of these suckling pigs?

What? Jackson, it's gonna be bad for so many complicated reasons. What about just fuck them and then If you fuck the teacher, Jackson, you're a student. They'll go to jail. Even though

you are technically not a teenager, they think that you are. Have you not seen Never Been Kissed? I never have. Although that does have a complicated message with that, because the teacher's angry that he was- Jackson, do you require- Sir? I am a hundred years old

you're gonna need us to not be quiet about this trust me sir you're gonna want us to get to the bottom of this you don't want to ask any other questions i wanted to really fuck a sandwich apes sir that's what i'm living jack, please get out of the classroom. You are suspended. Yes. Days off are cool. I just go stand outside your window and smoke a cigarette as you do class.

Carlisle's reading books. Won't even make me sick. Carlisle's reading. That's a good prank. Get the other school children to start up smoking. Don't know why it's making you cough. Makes me feel awesome. This will pay off in 40 to 50 years.

I'll still be around. Maybe that's Carlisle's plan. He puts you into high school to get all the kids to smoke so that he can rack up doctor's bills in 40 years. Yeah, fucked up. You come out, the doctor's like, you're going to have emphysema, and then you see the kid you went to high school with who's still the same age.

Just like outside the window smoking don't smoke yeah i can fuck up some kids so yeah great if you're doing it again if they're if they're doing this for the like again for the sweet pranks yeah that a vampire who lives uh forever can do uh then i understand what they're doing like a teenage brain stupid as shit very easily manipulated. Smoke them if you got them. I reckon I could jump this gorge. You don't think you could jump this gorge? Yeah, come on, jump this gorge.

I'll do it. Whoa, I made it across. It's easy. Yeah, I'm going to do this with these six skateboards. Great. Oh, you fell to your death like a dickhead. Yeah, come on, guys. It's not even hard.

Very normal school has death rate spikes as Jackson and Dusha sweet talk teens into stupid situations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drink driving's sick, dude. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've drunk a whole thing of tequila, and I feel amazing, okay? Like, imagine the stupid shit that you did because your mates encouraged you, right?

In high school. I didn't do anything because people encouraged me. I was the one encouraging you. Well, that's what I mean. Imagine I was doing the shit I was saying I was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be fucked. Yeah, so me and you, JD, I think we share some similarities here.

So now imagine that, but to like the nth degree. And imagine that, that you are a 108-year-old vampire who looks at these people like they are but dogs. Yeah. That you are like, who cares? They are like a blip, they're gone. I don't care. I don't inflict the same level of damage on a high school

that Jackass did to my high school. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. Irreversible damage. It's like, you know, Carlisle's getting mad at me that, you know, like we've got to blend in.

Don't be mad at me. I'm sending people to hospital. It's good. It's good for you. You're not worried. I'm up with a prank, a Jackass stunt called nail eat, where you just eat a whole bag of nails from the hardware store. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Plus you've got, you know, the Voltair aren't going to get mad at you because you're not revealing that you are a store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus you've got the Voltair. I'm going to get mad at you because you're not revealing that you are a vampire. Just ruin your fucked up. Just a toughest kid in school. Being fucked up ain't a crime. Damn right. Plus, if you add some powers into this, all the fucked up shit you guys can do.

If you're reading minds, you can control minds. You can manipulate people like that that some of the vampires have. Again, you could just run amok and be the complete biggest shithead. I think I get the opposite inverse of Edward's powers. Everybody can hear my thoughts.

I'm just thinking about how sick it is to smoke cigarettes and eat nails. So if that is the plan of the Cullens, I can't see any plan that is good. No. Basically every plan, the reason to do this is just nefarious. It's just very cunty all the way down.

But like what would you do? I just wouldn't go to high school. No. No. But like again, if I'm like I want to integrate into society, I want to know how like humans live because they seem to like to know about that, even though not really. Well, yeah, it's mostly live because they seem to like to know about that, even though not really. Well,

yeah, it's mostly weird. Cause like you want like, cause I would understand if they were like, look, go to high school. Cause the high school kids are roughly your age. Like there's a couple years difference,

but it's like not that bad. And like you make friends, but they don't make friends. Yeah. But that's what I mean. They only hang out with each other. And also you don't want that because they Jasper and Edward in particular are still like, I'll eat a fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. If I need to, I might. It's dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Simply, if I was, again, one of the Cullens, like Carlisle, I'd be like, right, we're going to a place that has low light that we can just walk around in the daylight. It's fine. Even though our circadian rhythms are pretty fucked up and we want to be awake at night. Actually, no, we don't sleep. Never mind.

Live in caves. We're going to the low-light place and we're starting a family business or whatever where we don't have to... I don't want to work. That's the thing. Why would you want to? Money? I can rob whatever I need. You can rob so much.

I'm quick. You're quick you just run through a wall yes yeah what am i spending money on oh no the cops are mad i robbed the bank okay hey i'm gonna get like oh no i'm gonna get a car they accidentally shoot you with a machine gun so it cuts your head off and then they throw a cigarette what Oh, God! Wait, what a weird circumstance. Who taught you to shoot like that? That's fucking crazy. I guess you're spending money on, like, builders, like people who build houses,

but you could get them to build the thing and then eat them. Yeah, or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area.

Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Or you could just buy, like, a nice house in the same area. Just squatters rights. Eat a family. Eat a family, move in. You don't even need to eat them. Just throw them. Oh, yeah. Into a bank. Just squatters' rights. Just eat a family. Eat a family, move in. You don't even need to eat them.

Just throw them. Oh, yeah. Into a lake or whatever. Oh, no, a whole family drown. I'm a doctor. I try to save them, but they drown. Yeah. I'm enrolling my big kids in this school.

Because you don't have to, you know, you don't have to, like, eat them to be like, oh, I'm still a vegetarian. Like, I didn't eat them. I just killed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a good man. I'm going to heaven when i die yeah because even even when they go recruit uh like some of the vampires like they watch just one man eat enough like one vampire yeah he's a man

they're like sick yeah that's cool anyway we they just don't give a shit really about human life when like push comes to shove they genuinely don't care about human life it seems even really like edward i mean like the cullens are accepting of Bella because they know somewhere in their heart eventually she'll be a vampire. Oh yeah. She's going to be a vampire or Edward's going to get too horny and eat that suckling pig. It's fine. Yeah. But I just-

Bada-boom, bada-boom, whatever. I can't- I imagine if you were like- the only reason to do what they're doing is to blend into society. Yeah. To try and be like, well, let's do what they're doing is to blend into society. Yeah. To try and be like, well, let's just be part of that society and maybe learn more about this community and help out the community. But they don't really do that at all. They just kind of join the high school for no reason. Is Eminem the football team?

I don't know. He should be. He should be, yeah. But he could kill someone, man. But he would get a scholarship. Yeah, that's true. nfl yeah like he could make the big time they could be doing so much play during the day to glittery yeah yeah yeah yeah and also i think being famous would probably go against what the voltari yeah yeah voltari wait, no, that's the ending anyway.

I'm not threatened by the Voltari because there's only a couple of them, and I reckon the Khans could kill them, and that's exactly what Alice shows them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll kill some of us, including Edward. But we'll get you. Edward survives. Yeah, they kill Carlisle and Esme.

They don't kill as many as you think. I thought Edward died. I thought the same, but we watched it last night. Edward and Balaburn, Geekly Boy, Arlo. Yeah. I'd see how, I think if I was a vampire, I'd see how deep in the earth I could get. Yeah, why not?

You know, at this point, you've got so much. Yeah, that's what happens in the vision. They get got by magma. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that'd be bad. Because there's earthquakes and shit, isn't there? Yeah, old man Benny, in the vision they get got by magma. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that'd be bad. Because there's earthquakes and shit, isn't there? Yeah, old man Benny, he just makes a crack in his... Yeah.

Oh, Edwin falls in that ride and then he comes out? Yeah, he falls in it, but he comes back out. He bursts through rock and kills a... I mean, like, decapitates a vampire with some sweet wrestling moves. It's cool. No, Alice is fine. So it's literally just... It's like two to maybe three of the characters we know and love.

Emmett? I don't remember. I hope not. Emmett's the best character. He's a jock. He's a doofus. He couldn't- Alice grabs a lady that just causes pain to people and feeds her to a wolf.

That's pretty cool. The Curta Fanning's character? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. Alice is sick. Is there some, like, go to the high school to stop the werewolves somehow?

Like, what is your, why do you need to do that? Apart from killing time, and there are so many better ways to kill time. Werewolves don't do anything except hunt you. Yeah.

So if you're going to the high school to fight the werewolves, they're also going to go to the high school. Maybe if I'm at the high school, the werewolves won't kill me in front of all these kids because they don't want to scar them forever. I don't care. The werewolves don't go to that high school. No, I know. They go to their own high school.

But they won't kill you if you're at the high school. Jacob has homeschool energy. I think he has one on the reservation. So again, it's this kind of thing where you're like, what is the reason? To kill time is the only reason to do that. There are better ways to kill time. If you want to sit down on, I don't know, a beanbag and play Xbox,

that's better use of your time right now to kill time. Do they not know about Xbox? Maybe they don't. Because old mates just listen to the pussy and read the book. Yeah, like when did Xbox happen and when did all of them get turned? None of them have been turned post Xbox Except Bella Bella knows about Xbox

But she does not have a lot of playing Xbox energy She has a lot of The Sims energy I reckon she plays The Sims She'll be like I'm bored You got The Sims on this bitch Is it cause they're just old as shit And they haven't quite caught up with how technology moves For fun I listened to Debussy and polished this rifle.

Yeah, and you're like, you know we have CDs now. And they're like, I don't understand that. I put one on a record player and it hurt my ears. I know I've got CDs because all my Debussy CDs are on CD. It's just I didn't know you'd invent it. When I was young, classical music was just called music. What do you mean classic? Yeah, yeah.

So maybe they just don't really understand, or maybe like technology. So if I, say, hooked up a Dark Souls onto the TV, and I was like, Dad, play this. I think he would have a heart attack. What is happening? His heart starts again and then stops. I think my dad but oh no i

can't deal with this things are moving too fast your dad okay carlisle for a second i was like carl's not that old he's old but he's not yeah but like if i like put uh yeah to to to my like seven-year-old uh old man to be like dad here here's this play some dark souls uh let's just play like play like the the first one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a good time. He'd be like, no, son, I'm having a bad time. I'm having a bad time. Because it's giving me a heart attack.

Why does my guy keep dying? What do you mean? If I move, he moves. I don't know. Look, actually, to be honest, if I gave my dad a SNES controller and was like, here's Mario World 1-1, enjoy, that might also give him a heart attack. If you give your dad the controller and you're like, here's Mario, Mario gets hit by a Goomba and you're like, dad, you died, then he has a heart attack like his mario mario gets hit by a goomba and you're like dad you died then he has a heart attack because he's like what are you

talking about you died on the screen he's like i am right here at a lot what do you mean so maybe that's like maybe somebody tried to show him a nintendo 64 all of the colors got too scared this is all they know how to do i have to put it like a vr on edward's head and see what happens help me no no no no, no, no. Am I really a bird? But that's like, yeah, again, if they have such an aversion to technology, I can understand them being like, I guess for fun we went to school. Yeah.

Or it just comes back to them being very young and being like, the best times of my life were in high school. And they had a sad existence and they go back to high school. I guess if Carlisle, who is their vampire daddy, is like, this is the best for you. Because he doesn't know any better. They're like, okay. Aren't you fucking like three years older than me, cunt? I'll decide

what's best for me, I reckon. You should never have let Duscha into the cove. I'm way older than all of you. I'm the dad now. Carlisle, quit your job. Carlisle, you're my wife. And Esme, you're my grandma. I'm rearranging this whole family. Edwin, you're the dog.

Alice. You're the bird. Not all families have a bird, but this one does. Bella, you can be daughter. This is pretty good. We're a travelling circus. You can be the. This is pretty good. We're a travelling circus. You can be the live-in butler. Emmett, you're my...

You're the ringleader of the circus. Congratulations. I'm going to need you to go buy some elephants. Now I need a jester. Who's the funniest? Jasper. Jasper, you're the jester. I know you've got deep sadness in you.

I'm the clown. Dad know you've got deep sadness in you. I'm the clown. Dad, you gotta, you gotta, I will call you dad, but you can't rearrange the family. Give us our family roles and then give us our circus roles. Give us a second to adjust. Life comes at you pretty quick. Yeah, you gotta accept this. You gotta accept this.

But yeah, I can only think that if Jasper, not Jasper, if Carlisle was turned at 23, like that's like five years ago, that was like when he was in high school, he was like, high school was where I peaked. He might've been one of those guys that peaked at high school, back when he has such fond memories of vampire hunting.

No, it was 300 years ago. How the fuck does he know about high school? Well, that's another thing. How the fuck does he know about high school? Well, that's another thing. How the fuck does he know about current education systems? No, because they've been doing it for years, so Carlyle would have done it at some point. Yeah. I guess, and maybe he was like-

They've all gone to high school. Maybe Carlyle was like, fuck, high school ruled. No, but Carlyle wouldn't have gone to high school because he was 223. He would have gone to high school 300 years ago. No, but he would have gone to- Why would he have done high school- But high school 300 years ago no but he would have gone to why would he have done high school but high school 300 years ago didn't exist yeah the education that we know it is like a very relatively young invention

no he would have gone to high school after he was a vampire even though he was 23 he would have just lied yeah why because he then went to medical school yeah yeah yeah the war aged me fair enough you can come in i got stabbed with a bayonet. Let me in. Charlie did this to me. Also, I'm sparkling. I'm sick. Let me in. But not contagious.

It's a promise. Did sunlight just wasn't as powerful back in, I don't know, the 50s? What the fuck? The 50s? I think he gets turned in like 1600. Yeah, but when did he go to high school? I don't know. The 50s.

He was like, I want to be a greaser. Yeah. But then he would have had to, like, I want to be a greaser. Yeah. But also if he but then he would have had to again go into an area of low light. But also going to high school, does he have to constantly do the whole Cullens the whole Cullens have to constantly every 10 years get documentation.

As episode 2 of our Plumlight series, this is a dangerously long and damaging episode. We got another 2 to go. It's hurting it really is dude is the collins plan good no no it's really bad and it doesn't make sense do they have to keep on every 10 years readjusting a documentation that sends them back 10 years yes they have to but also they have to again they're only a finite amount they can and they could double back and go to say, like they could go to Forks again in 60 years when everyone's dead.

No, it would have to be longer than 60 years. In 100 years when everyone's definitely dead. So I just, I don't understand how they've got so many caps. But also anytime someone took your photo, you'd have to be like, where's that going? Not in an archive, I hope. Can I borrow your smartphone? Oh, I dropped it in the river.

Sorry, Butterfinger. I'll go get it for you. Oh, I dropped it in the river Sorry, Butterfinger I'll go get it for you Oh, I got it out of the river But when I picked it up It crushed in my hand I'll go get it for you Sorry, I fished it Oh, you got a backup phone?

Look, I'm sorry I ripped open your neck What was your iCloud password? You don't need to know this Guys, they're fucking They gotta figure something new out, right? Like for the modern day With like, yeah,

like eye clouds and all of that shit. Can they get like- Otherwise they're going to have the famous, the famous plot of sex tape happening where it's in the cloud. Yeah. They're going to need to get the stuff back from the cloud. Oh, and do they show up in photos?

Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Why? What do you mean why? Does Edward and Bella have a wedding photo book? Do they? Wait, do they not?

I know I was the one who made the claim they don't shop in the mirror. No, because Bella has a dream where she's like an old lady, and she's like, Grandma? And they look in the mirror, and she's just Grandma by herself, and they look around, and it's, oh, no, it's Edward, and it's not Grandma, but it's a me, and then Edward eats her for a bit. Yeah. But that's a dream. So I don't know if they see. Because if they don't show up

in photographs, it's another fucking hassle. Yeah, because like, yeah, smile for the photo. And then the photographer etch. I guess you just don't turn up for photo day. That's easy. Well, I mean, they often just ditch school anytime the sun comes out. Yeah, that's true. They often are just not at school just ditch school anytime the sun comes out. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

They often are just not at school. Yeah. Go through the poor clouds. How did any of them get any education to begin with? Maybe this is why they're going from school to school. Yeah, because they ditch out constantly. Because they just keep missing days. Yeah.

And so it's kind of like a patchwork education that they're trying to piece together because they're all dumb as shit. I was really, really sick when I learned algebra in high school and therefore didn't learn it properly and it damaged my education forever so i understand yeah that makes sense yeah yeah maybe it's like you know you're right like they they they you're just or not even like not even getting an education but they just keep getting expelled because they're not turning up like sorry that's too many truancies or whatever uh too many absences. You need to really think if you want to be here.

Yeah, I do. And then the sun comes up the next day. I've got to go home now. I've got one of them skin conditions. Because they would only be going to school on overcast days that are in the middle of winter. No, because winter's still got some sunny days. You'd be like, hey, you're a kid.

You're a kid is a genius, but also a dropkick piece of shit. He's got so much potential. Yeah, when he's here, he's clever. But he's never fucking here. He's never fucking here, so what are we going to do about it? And then he's booted and Carlisle's got to find a new town for him. Yeah, and Carlisle's like, well, whatever. This happens every...

I don't care. I'm 23, baby. I'm in the prime of my life. We live forever. Knowing that you're a vampire at 23 and that fucking still works, that's a pretty big benefit. I often think that I'm at a bad age

to get turned. Unfortunately, there's no good age in your future. You've just missed the window. Five years ago, perfect. Now, anywhere between 20 years ago, perfect. Anywhere between 20 to 28, perfect time to get there. 29? Yeah, that's where it starts to go downhill.

If a vampire came down and was like, Jackson, I can offer you a mortality, I'd be like, no, no, it's fine. Do you have a gun? Just shoot me with that. Does it turn me a few years younger? Do I get healthier? No.

You're stuck at this age. What about my hair? I'm sorry. No! Yeah. So, after 70 minutes... I just... I can't understand their plan. I don't know what...

Is it a good plan? No? Does it work? I guess it worked for a bit, but I don't understand what they're doing at all. But the problem is, it's hard to think what a vampire that's not eating people or terrorizing a town could do. But then also, they aren't socialized, unless this is a relatively new thing, but it's not because of the fucking hats. They keep doing it. They've been doing it for years.

They've been doing it for years, man. And they're not making fucking friends because they want to eat their friends. Because there's like five caps. And everyone's a suckling pig that they want to fucking eat. Yeah, because again, you could do the math if someone got a screenshot of the caps yeah you could figure out how long they've been doing it

because you've got like yeah you've got five what five people yeah graduating it's a huge it's a huge tapestry tapestry of so it's like

I don't I can't find it you know what look I'll try and find it we'll just do it quick twilight I'm just thinking like one row could be like

two towns yeah so you've got like there's like a lot of towns. There are a lot of towns you're graduating from. For what? For what purpose and why? But also, yeah. If you're bored, I get it.

But then there are better things to do. This is the horrible loop we found ourselves in. We're like, I guess it's, but why? Why are you doing it? If you're going to do it, do it like this. But why would you ever do it? Yeah. I can't fathom.

I can't unmarry myself from this loop. Yeah. To be honest, in the screenshot that I found, there's probably only about 50 hats. That's still so many. That's still 10 towns. 10 towns. Say how long per town.

Yeah, but that's like 30 to 40 years of high school. Yeah. That's still 10 towns. 10 towns. Say how long per town. Yeah, but that's like 30 to 40 years of high school. Yeah. That's still a lot. That's still a lot. But maybe it is. But maybe you're right. Maybe it's a brand new idea Carlisle's trying. And maybe they just stole a lot of hats.

And that was a lie. This is the first town they've done it in. And they're like, it didn't work out. I think it's more than 50, dude. Because you're only seeing the rectangle of them, right? Yeah. Yeah. And like, so it's again, it's quite a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's four rows high and it's about 15 across. Okay. So we're probably talking about 50 hats. Oh, wait. Basic math theory.

So 60. Yeah. 60 hats. So they've been doing it a while. Oh, wait. Now I've counted this way. Yeah. It's way more. So they've been doing it a while. I've counted this way. It's way more. It's probably close to 100. Yeah, that's what I mean. There's so many because they're all thin as well.

So then that's 20. So what does a three year period for Edward in 1975 look like? Smoke dope. Drive smoke dope, drive fast cars, chase beautiful women. Hell yeah, 1970s

That's the thing I love about Forks High School, man. Because they've gone to high school in the 70s. They've gone to high school in the 60s. I don't age and they also don't age. Surely at some point they're just doing it because of tradition.

Yeah. I just think that if I'm 17 and we know that I'm still mentally 17, even though I have, because I think what the Twilight films and books, I think try and show is that, yeah, it's like a 17 year old that has an unbelievable amount of life experience but he's still a 17 year old which I guess why you could

have the case for Jasper choosing not to fight for state power he's had emotional growth but he's still not mature yeah so like they're still it's like if you compare a 17 year old that goes to school one block from their house So like, they're still, it's like, like if you compare a 17 year old that hasn't let,

like goes to school one block from their house and hasn't left it. Yeah. But then compare that to a 17 year old that's like, I've gone to 16 different schools in 12 countries and I've killed a man. Yeah. They're going to be different 17 year olds. Yeah. You're probably going to be different.

I guess. And I guess maybe, and I'm sure they would have tried them at a university level and they're like, wow, they're stupid as shit. Or like, maybe it just doesn't suit or alternatively it does. And they just do the whole education thing because they're just getting

smarter and smarter and smarter. Yeah. Maybe he's trying to make genius kids. Yeah. They are pretty smart already. Yeah. Except emotionally, Edward's a fucking idiot.

It just must be so boring. Also those hats, you might not just them um when they finish high school because you get them when i guess when they finish university yeah it's a lot could just rack some hats yeah rack some hats and if you're quick because they are fast they could kind of do like university and high school the same time uh not that fast hang on so how many hats were there? Let's say 100. Let's just say 100. So how many years does that represent? Well, if there's five kids, that's 20. Okay.

You do the math. Sorry. No, sorry. If it's five kids, that's 20 hats each. Yeah. Let's say on average, the kids are in high school for two years because some of them I think would be. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. So then 40 years. 40 years. So how many towns? I'm trying to figure out how much they're actually moving around.

It would be five caps per town. Yeah. Because you're not graduating two high schools in one town. You made me do maths for no reason, you fucking idiot. Yeah, it'd be a cap per town. One cap per kid per town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fuck.

Do maths. Oh, actually, just think of the number five. Thank you. I'm just trying to figure out how many towns they would have gone to over the course of their... So 20. But all of them need to be in a very specific low light conditions.

Are they all in the northeast of America? Is that where they all are? You could go to the UK. No, but they're all American graduation caps. In the northeast of America? Is that where they all are? You could go to the UK. You could fucking- No, but they're all American graduation caps. Not necessarily. We have graduation caps that look like that. For university, not for high school.

Are you listening? You can be honest with me. They could have done university. I'm coming in and out. It's a long episode. We're rapidly approaching one of the longest we've done. But we're stuck. We're stuck in this episode. We're stuck in a of the longest we've done But we're stuck We're stuck in this episode

We're stuck in a loop How have we got two more plum lights to go? Because it's stuck in a loop Is this plan good? No But what is the plan? Is this the plan? Every plan is bad The plan doesn't make sense

But the trick is that it doesn't make sense because it's not a plan It's not a plan It's just a thing they're doing It's not a plan. It's not a plan. There's no plan here. It's just a thing they're doing. It's just a thing they're doing for no reason. They could be like, I'm going to be like the Voltari and sit on chairs and read tomes. But instead, we're going to go and we're going to basically put a bunch of our kids that we've adopted into a very high risk scenario with a lot of suckling pigs. And we've got one son who wants to, like, he falls in love,

maybe at the drop of a hat. I don't know. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Edward's the only one who doesn't have a wife, yeah? Yeah. So maybe it's, like, to get Edward a wife.

No. Maybe, because they're all very pro. When he finds Bella, they're like, oh, Edward, it's your time. And Alice is like, fuck, for the love of fucking Christ, you guys better fuck. So maybe they're like oh Edward it's your time and Alice is like fuck for the love of fucking Christ you guys better fuck so maybe they're like but um Rosalie and Jasper are both like

fuck Bella damn I was like maybe they're like this way he'll find someone huh no they're not Collins okay so maybe it's a Colin thing gotta get Edward and I farmer wants a wife Huh? No, they're not Cullens. Okay, so maybe it's a Cullen thing? Gotta get Edward and I?

Farmer wants a wife? It should have been called, what is their plan? So if it was to find Edward Cullen and put a wife, I guess that's a bad plan. But it worked. It did, actually. Like, after this, is Bella going to go to high school now? I guess not, because she's a mother. Yeah, so the high school thing, is it done?

I guess it would be, right? But is it done for the others? Yeah, are they gonna go back to high school? Is Edward gonna go to high school with teenagers and then come back to his wife and his kid? I guess that... Hey, mom. Hey, ma. Hey, ma.

It's me, Edward. Look at these cool new teens I'm hanging out with. And she'll be like, that's nice, I'm also a teen. Yeah, I too am a new teens I'm hanging out with. And she'd be like, that's nice. I'm also a teen. Yeah, I too am a teen and should be hanging out with teens. Or is it like- Let's go back to high school. Does she go back to high school?

Does Bella go back to high school? Right now it's making look after itself. Does everyone think Bella's dead? Nah. Because that's their plan. Their plan is to make everybody think- Their plan was, but then Jacob takes off his clothes and turns into a wolf in front of Charlie's dad,

which must have been a very crazy, like just a few moments for Charlie to be like, why is this boy who loved apparently, like was really like going after my daughter for a long time, and now he's taking off his shirt's off and he's taking off his boots. Okay. And now his pants are off. His pants are coming down. Okay. What is going on here, sir? Oh, thank God. He's a wolf.

He's a wolf. He's a wolf. He's a big wolf. Thank goodness. Oh, thank Christ. I don't know what was about that. I thought he was a pervert, but he's just a big wolf. Yeah, because if Bella was to find Edward a wife, a good plan. But that isn't how anyone else finds anyone. No, that doesn't make sense at all, really.

Maybe they're treating Edward a bit more special. If they wanted Edward to find a wife, they would have wanted Bella to get hit by the car, and then Edward would have had to turn her then and there. Yeah, because they... Oh, no, it's an accident. No, but it's Edward's reluctance, not the rest of the family's. Edward is like, I don't want to send her to hell.

Everyone else is like, well, that's Edward's deal. You read a fucked up book that told you about that, eh? Don't read the Bible, Edward! What do we say? There's no vampires in the Bible! So, like, maybe it's like, maybe they're like Edward 17, okay? And we can't get him an adult vampire because, like we've established, they're emotionally at the level that they're turned.

So if we can turn a human woman at the age of like 17, 18-ish that he gets along with and we can try and construct it all, do any of them have powers that can manipulate minds? Because that would make more sense if they orchestrated it somehow. Or is this just being like, we'll chuck Edward and Nat into these different places.

Maybe Edward doesn't know this is the plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they chuck him. If Edward knows this is the plan, that's fucked. No, he doesn't know. No, no, no. But that's what I mean.

If he does, then it ends up being all fucked up and the plane doesn't work. Maybe a few of them know about this. So they chuck Edward into a bunch of

different high schools and they're like, they didn't make a connection again. He receives smoking dope and driving fast cars in the town and he didn't know.

That's what I love about high school girls, man. They stay the same age and I do. And maybe they think that so they send a bunch of the others with him to be like, make sure he at least finds someone. It doesn't matter at this point. It's a numbers game.

Why? Because they need to find. So now is the plan that everyone passes the time just by fucking? I don't know. Fucking and hunting deer. We thought we figured it out. Maybe they do. It was so close.

Because if they're like, we just got to find him a wife because we believe that is the thing that needs to happen. And maybe if he finds someone he falls in love with because he kind of keeps bringing us down with his soul talk.

It's real shitty. Maybe we get him laid. Maybe. Shut up. If we get him laid, he'll shut the fuck up about his soul. He's bumming us all out. Well, yeah, you definitely go to hell now, premarital sex.

But then he gets married first. And they're like, okay, this will be something. Maybe he's mellowed out and they're like, yeah, finally. Because you got laid, right? Yeah, maybe that's it. Shut up. Leave me alone. Maybe he's just like a piece of shit that is all constantly being like,

we're going to hell. They're like, oh, my God. And so this is just a way for him to find a wife because he's mentally 17 and they're like the only way we can do this is for him to meet someone who's also around that same age and then we can do this by going to high school they do it a few times edward fucks it up they're like okay all right alice you go in as well because maybe you look up it still doesn't happen they keep sending the rest of them with them rosalie okay all of us go and we'll try and make it work edward's a dumb fuck of shit. You just need Alice, who is the best wing person. Yeah.

And she's charming as hell. Fuck all of them. Most of them are wet fucking sandwiches. Alice and Emmett are the only good ones. Let's be honest. Jester has the energy of a rat and looks like a rat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rosalie's mean. Way too angry. Too intense. An intense, intense woman. So then Edward so they finally they finally and it just happens to be

that this is the one that we are seeing because all the dominoes lie at like line up and this one works and this one works and they're like

thank fucking Christ this was all just a plan to get Edward to stop Edward to shut the fuck up about our fucking souls because it was

bumming us all there I I have to let's just say that's it Edward to shut the fuck up about our fucking souls. Because it was bumming us all there. I have to, let's just say that's it. And in terms of a plan, I don't know if it was a good one, but it worked. I have hit a point where I can't think about this anymore. It's just, it feels like I can understand step one of any of these plans. Right. But then a plan unfortunately can't just be step one.

That's the plan. A plan actually has to have a goal. Yeah. But is the goal simply just passing? You're asking more questions. Is the goal, it is a question, but it's not a scary one. Is the goal simply just to pass more time as a vampire? We've asked that. But there's so many other ways to pass time.

Sit in the library, read all the books. And they haven't been around long enough to have done all of the fun things. No, but that's what I mean. Are they pacing themselves? But they don't know because they could die at any moment. They get their head ripped off and then someone lights them on fire. Yeah, but who cares? But then I'm like, oh my God, I spent like 50 fucking years in high school like a big loser.

What a waste! I think my last thoughts there would be like, wow, it hurts to have my head torn off. Not, oh no, I was in high school too long. I'm 17. I don't care. A lot of drugs they could have done. Yeah, man. There's no scene of them doing heroin, but we can't rule out that they didn't try it.

Smoke and crack. Hell yeah. Edward's fucking sucking on that glass pipe. That was most of the feedback. It went crack. Fast cars, fast Suck it on that glass pipe. That was most of the 50s. Yeah. It went crack. Fast cars, fast women.

Dope. Blank, blank, blank. Bella. LSD is like late 60s. Yeah. Woodstock. It could have been. They didn't play enough Bussi. Is there just like a novel

or like a film that they watched that was set in high school they were like this is what we're going to base our whole existence around and that's what they absolutely loved

and were like this is the epitome of existence. I reckon American Pie would have fixed Edward. Yeah. I think it would do he would have fucked a pie

and he'd be like wow and then he'd be good. And come out with his dick on a hot pie and be like, hey, Carlo, you know how we're meant to eat humans? We can eat animals. Well, guess what? We don't have to fuck suckling pigs anymore. Well, tell your mother we ate it.

This episode has damaged me so much The problem is I still love I'm not satisfied I'm not close to satisfied I just want to leave this room in my lifetime Do you think No this is a dangerous It's not

Is this going to be the first two hour plumbing? No no no What? So this is our second ever miniseries. Do you think Twilight fans are going to like this? I can't imagine. Also, one thing that I keep getting really scared of is we revisited the films before this genius miniseries i'm very scared that carlisle lays out the plan very clearly to bella in the first twilight film like in the first

20 minutes no no it'd probably be in the first hour because bella has to find out they're vampires that's true but that will keep me up at night until this episode drops and people yell at me. And people link you that scene on YouTube again and again and again and again. Because when Bella first goes to the house... It is explained to her at some point. Yeah.

But I think it's as we've said it. It's a stupid plan. It's a bad plan, right? Yeah. Okay. Uh-oh. This is way too late. I'm really scared.

We might avoid being yelled at. Okay. Because there is a screen rant thing which is just like, Twilight, why the Cullens went to school? Is it a plot hole? If we're in the same campus screen rant, we're doing good. It just says, the only reason that it seems to be available beyond plot

mechanics for the Cullen family to stay in school so long is that the Cullens need to stay together for their safety as a coven of vampires. That doesn't make a fucking lot of sense. As such, it can be surmised that Twilight vampires attend school mostly so that they stay out of trouble. Yeah, great screen rent, except fucking Esme and Carlisle aren't there, so therefore they're not staying together. Thanks a lot, screen rant. You fucked us again. God fucking damn it.

Nice try. You present us with an answer, then you snatch it away. Okay. So, yeah, it makes no sense. What, to keep them out of trouble? Out of what trouble? Well, they're not going to. Scrolling down a big subheading, the Cullens attending school makes no sense. So, yeah, look, no sense. But to keep them out of trouble? Out of what trouble? Well, they're not going to... Scrolling down a subheading,

the Cullens attending school makes no sense. So yeah, look, no one knows. And also, it wouldn't keep them out of trouble because the biggest trouble a vampire can get in is killing someone and there being a witness and you're putting them unattended in a high school full of morons. Or, to add more fuel to this terrible plan of Cullen... This episode is never ending.

So apparently, so in a lot of US states, you can leave school at 17. Why are they staying? Why are they going to prom? Why would you ever want that? What does that do? How does,

who does that help? I don't, I can't... All it does is maybe they're there for their own sake. He keeps them out of trouble. What trouble? Keeps them out of trouble. Keeps them out of biking gangs.

They don't do drugs. Keeps them off the streets. Keeps them off the streets. Just say no. They don't do drugs in high school. High school's where you never do drugs. High school's the safest place for a vampire. There's no suckling pigs there. No, but high place for a vampire. There's no suckling pigs there.

No, but high school is the worst. There's no suckling pigs! That's like, Jackson, we're going to keep you out of trouble. So we're going to put you in this banquet full of fucking sexy, fuckable suckling pigs. Don't you eat one. Oh, God forbid, fuck one. You know I want to do heaps to all of them.

What's wrong with you? We're going to keep you out of trouble. So we're putting you in the alcohol factory where there's free samples. All right. All right, boys. You need to stop. You've got to get straight and narrow. Here is a room full of nothing but high quality cocaine.

Uh-huh. So you better stay out of trouble. There's no cameras and no way you could be caught. As you close the door, I'm not paying attention. Be good. Be good. This is the safest place for you. Yeah.

Here is a rolled up 20. Be good. I think I'm going to die. Too much good. I think I'm going to die. Too much cocaine. I think I'm going to do too much cocaine. It kills me. Is this a trap?

Maybe they're testing themselves. Is it like a Is it like a fucking It makes no sense. Like a test? No, like a Um

I We always said chastity bell But that's not quite what I mean Like Is like a trial Like one of those Sleeves you put on your penis With spikes in it

Yeah Where if you get a bone Or it hurts Yeah To like trial This is like Fucking trial by fire Yeah

Cause if they fuck up This is more like Somebody's got their hand Around your penis And they're like Don't jerk yourself off There's a There's a scene Where, like, because Bella bleeds, they have to hold Jasper down, right?

They've got to hold him back. Yeah, what if somebody just trips over? What if someone runs around and scratches themselves on, like, a fucking edge of a desk? Is Jasper being like, well, I'm killing this whole fucking school? Why do they? Why? There is a lot of

It's a lot of problems It's just the craziest plan in the world This is not a good plan Does Carlisle Want to die That is So he puts his kids in the most dangerous Position till they get revealed

And the Volturi come and just snap on their necks And he's like awesome 300 years was too long It was a long con but I fucking Finally hunted these vampires Every graduation call out He got him He got him

His last thoughts thank Christ See you in heaven, Father. And on that note, I've been Jackson. And I've also been Jolin. My God. See you next week for more of this. That was episode two!

Bye! have anything more to add for today's important question just email us at deerplumbingthedeadstar at gmail.com and we'll make sure we circle back and do some addendum.