Plumbing the Death Star - Is the Death Star a Good Weapon?

Episode Date: May 25, 2015

In which our heroes join the Empire, check out the schematics for a new super weapon and witness a planet wide explosion as they start to question if the Death Star is really the best way to take out the Rebel scum. Join us as we discuss the Moff ranking system, the issue with Stormtrooper morale and Darth Vader's swimming trunks. Jackson thinks the Death Star is too big, Zammit is stressed about working for the Empire and Duscher just thinks he'd make the Grandest Moff. So shine your trooper helmet, climb into your Tie Fighter and get to work early, just because you work for the Dark Side doesn’t mean you have to evil about it.Want to help Grand Moff Duscher crowd fund the exhaust covering? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help prevent the wholesale slaughter of innocent government employees. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-one books about how to create a better workplace environment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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or just go to our website, sandspansradio.com, and listen there. Hey, guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like Is the Death Star really the best way to take out Rebel Scum? It's pretty big It's too big even

Literally nothing about the Death Star makes sense to me I have questions Well it depends on what you're trying to do If you're trying to blow up a planet I think it's the perfect weapon. Well, hey, it has a pretty good laser. I suppose, but like... Also, shitty ships.

It can be like... Is that the only thing? Oh, yeah, it's got ships, but it's like... No, as in like the lasers can take down ships. Oh, yeah. I feel like it doesn't just have that giant planet-destroying laser. It has just like little... Little lasers.

Oh, right. I thought it was like... I was imagining like you get that big laser and you just kind of swivel the Death Star to get all the ships around it. No, because like with the Death Star. Moving an eye. Okay, I'm going to start out with just a few massive problems I have with the Death Star.

Like some glaring flaws in my eyes. So the big one is, so it's run by the Empire, which is the space government. Why is it called the Death Star? What? Next point. Maybe.

Is it Palpatine? Yeah. That's the best name. It's just fun to say. Palpatine? Palpatine. Palpatine. Is the galaxy just going through a really bad 80s metal phase at the moment?

Death Star. Fucking Death Star. metal phase at the moment. Death Star. Like fucking Death Star. No, but like imagine if a government we elected, although the Empire was not elected. Was it elected where they like

joined Palpatine's forces? It was sort of like he was given too much supreme rule and then he's like Jedi's a cunt. Surprise. It was sort of elected. But that's hilarious. He was elected and he took his, it's sort of like

electing someone into fucking what the fuck I just went completely. It's basically a democracy. So we've been voting for a democracy and he's like oh by the way, I am now king of everything. So like if you elected a president, he was like but I'm not a president I'm a king actually.

Just that four term like only like two term thing. Not forever. Definitely. Kind of like if you voted someone into power with a democracy and then they were just like surprised we're a communist nation. So is it more like Palpatine's like yeah we'll call it the Death Star and then you get some guy in fucking Tatooine. PR.

But like some guy in Tatooine reading the paper and he's like so honey what are they calling the new constructions? He's like oh the Death Star I think as tattooing reading the paper and it's like so honey what are they calling the that new construction it's like oh the Death Star I think is she like does the dishes and he's like

I don't agree with that mate but there's nothing he can do about it will it keep the immigrants out though who calls it the Death Star

everyone okay so I can't just be like maybe there was like rebel no no because like Vader and they call it the Death Star You could be right, though.

It might just be like, it's a ship, and that's the nickname. But they have star destroyers. Why not call it... It's not even really a death... It is in the most general, basic sense. Really, it's more of a planet. It's more of a space kill.

Well, even more, it's more of a death moon, when you really think about it. Why not call it the Death Ray Hauser? What about fucking the Empire HQ? Did we even do it? I don't know, like how you name ships

and stuff. Why didn't Vader be like the SS Minotaur? Excuse me, you know Palpatine. Could we maybe call it the Padme? And then the Emperor's going to be like, fuck you. Wasn't that your dead wife? I think this would be a good way to honor her. That's weirdly un-Sith of you, Vader.

Also Vader. Do 50 Hail Marys. Strange. I'm a little Vader. Strange. I'm with Vader. I'll turn over Vance. No, Vader, like, you've got to remember, he just never mentions Padme ever again. He's just like, I killed her.

I found out she's dead. No. Never mentioned again. I'm good now. I got it all out in that no. Yeah, that was my grief. I went through, like, all stages in that no. And I'm moving on.

I'm all good. Also, yeah, so obviously the name is a big issue, just from not just the rebel, but just general population. Second thing, very ineffective at taking out anything except planets. Well, except Alderaan. And also, let's be honest, taking out a planet is not a good battle move. It's like if I was like, I would love France. Me and my troops, we want France.

Nuke it till it's not usable. Not even nuke it, it's just gore. Because the Old Round's pretty big, right? It's a large planet. So what if there was, like, Sith or Emperor sympathizers on that planet? Well, there definitely was. They did it to make a point, but I don't know what point they're making. But it was mild point just just to lay also like it's a big thing with that is like it's not even that effective for taking up planets because the whole thing in episode four is it's a race against time for

the death star lining up with yavin four to just fucking destroy all the rebels in one you know that scene where they make a point to layer yeah imagine if you were one of the like literally thousands of technicians they would need to make it fire. And you're just like, are we just getting a signal through we have to fire soon? He's like, yeah. I'm like, why are we firing on Alderaan? It's just like, oh, Vader and Palpatine are making a point.

Well, it's not even that. Oh, waste of resources. Moff Tarkin is making the point. Grand Moff Tarkin. My boy. Does the Emperor hunt Moff? Because the Emperor isn't there. I don't think Vader Does Vader okay it?

Yeah, no, Vader... I think Vader's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Grand Moff Tarkin is he a Grand Moff or is he Grand Moff Tarkin like Grand Moff but Grand Moff Grand Moff Jackson yeah I think that's just too much power for one man I had plans on that what is a Moff oh wait is Moff Tarkin

his name and Grand is his title or is Grand Moff I'm sure there's just regular Moffs or like one day I'll get to pick a planet like Staff Sergeant Moff, he's Grand Moff Colonel Moff Colonel Moff Jackson

Rear Admiral Moff Rear Mroff Rear Mroff So I think Moff is just your title I think we can see where this is all going based on my flaws. Look. Do you think you could do a better job? Yeah, we knew where this was fucking going. I was waiting for this.

Often, you know, you get a little bee in your bonnet and you're like, a fictional character is doing something I would do very differently. I think, look. How are you going to go about it? So you reckon you can do a better job at making a Death Star or just taking out the Rebel Scout? Or a bit of both?

A bit of both. I feel like the... Yeah, I'd need to call it a lot in column A to help out with column B. Okay, so the Emperor has been like, that fucking Moff is a piece of shit. I'm firing him. Grand Moff Dusha. No, yes.

Oh, I'm not even the Emperor anymore. Grand Moff Dusha. Grand Moff Dusha. Look, I've got some Sith bullshit to deal with. Joel Tarkin. You're talking to me? I'm just going to chuff off for a good couple months. I'm taking a me day. Or a me couple months.

A me month? I'm the emperor. I've got shit to do. Spa week. You run the emperor for a while. The empire. The empire for a while. Don't correct me. I will strangle you.

Fucking bring it, mate. Anyway, I got this. All right. Do you also imagine him and Vader and Luke's kind of speeder from the start? Like Vader's going to Paris. Oh, in my version. By the way, I'm taking Atticus. Come, Atticus.

In my version of that, they were both wearing swimming shorts, but the rest of their normal outfit. So Vader and the Emperor are going away for a sneaky retreat. Living up to you. Explain your plan to Jackson and Zammet,

the Stormtroopers. Step one, guys. Welcome, Stormtroopers. Hi, I'm Grand Moff Joel. Hey, how you doing? Grand Moff Dusha. Grand Moff Dusha, how are you? Great. Hey, guys.

It's a pleasure to have you guys here. I feel that you're underappreciated. Briston T. Moreau. Thanks, man. Good boy. I like this guy, baby. Isn't he all right? I don't feel like threatening to be choked right now.

Sometimes I think the Emperor's going to electrocute me. Yeah, why? I'm going to put my guards on the table. I'm quite scared, but go on. Well, I'm in kind of a leadership role. I have very similar fears to you. Lightning, kind of scary. He's a scary boss. Oh, wait, he's probably sensing

this. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. I disagree with Grand Malfusius the whole time. I would say he was the best. Force choked far, far. Okay, for sake of argument, they've just got the radio on real loud. Real loud that is clogging the Force.

They're just jamming out. Obi-Wan's like, I'm just getting Xamadu. What the fuck is this? There's a disturbance in the force, it's just it's just ABBA. So yeah, so yeah,

obviously I wouldn't break this down to the, but boosting team morale is definitely something. Stormtroopers, I feel like, underappreciated and scared of dying

all the time. So I'm like, guys, look, really appreciate the work you're doing. Okay. I mean, hey. I mean, yeah,

obviously, again, this is like a sneaky side note I'm still talking to Trips here but obviously I can't really do that much it's not like a pay rise or anything but I just feel like letting the workers know or just like letting them know like hey guys you're doing a really good job I reckon if you don't fire

the Death Star just once you could probably afford fruit baskets for the whole Stormtroopers. I imagine the amount of money if you could just picture their bank account like fire the death star it just goes down like 50 million credits so how would you boost morale though are you just gonna let them are you gonna go to each fucking well yeah make like a big well just like a email stormtrooper of the month i feel like a speech stormtrooper of the month is a good idea. Stormtrooper. No, fuck it. Stormtrooper of the week.

Oh, my God. There are a lot of them. That's probably a better plan. Yeah, because month is like, because also it's like when there's like a, uh, employee of the month is like, that's unachievable. I feel like with a week, like if I've had a good week. Yeah. Yeah, I think a group email is a good idea. But I also feel like just like making my presence known with the stormtroopers.

Okay. So like, like an email. I told you you meant Moff of the People? Moff of the People. The People's Moff. Step two, hire a PR guy. Okay. Smart. Somebody tell the Empire that, hey, I mean, tell just the general

space public, the Empire is A-okay. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to have a lot of meetings with him, and based on what this PR man is saying, obviously I'm not a ridiculous human being. I'm going to take, if he has any dumb plans, I'm going to sort of avoid them. You're going to sort them out. Like if he's like, name it the Love Moon!

The people will love it! I'm probably going to be like, oh, look. New name, yes. Put that in the maybe pile. Yeah, look. Scrunching up that idea, just throwing it. Maybe pile. What would you call it then? Fuck, I don't...

I mean, that's an issue you have. What are you going to call it? Peace sphere? Here I am, like, Joe Every Tatooine, reading the paper. I'm looking, I'm like, oh, new space station built in space. Well, you'd want to... Name of? Well, hang on, you'd want to have it so it'd be something like...

Don't give him any hints. It's a protectory thing. Protectors. No, that's a terrible name. Protectors. Sounds kind of like a grandma for 10-year-old boys. Let's name it

Tonka Truck. It needs more half-pipes. But yeah, you'd probably want to sell it as more of a, rather than an offensive weapon, and like defensive weapon, I feel. That'd be a good sell. Peace. I feel like sphere is good.

But peace, nah. Sphere is a comfortable weapon. You kind of want like, you know, something strong and like protectory. So you'd want like a Sentinel or something like that. Like something real solid to the people. Here I am. I'm waiting for it.

Yeah, something sphere. Fuck. Love sphere. No, fuck no. The kiss sphere. The love boat? The love boat? Yes.

Okay, I'm naming it. No, I'm not naming it the love boat. Even the tie sphere, like T-I-E, like tie fighters. I'm going to be like, honey. Is the space station a TIE? No, it's a sphere. It's like a moon. Oh, fuck, TIE fighters.

Because the new moth has called it the TIE sphere. Well, darling, that's just ridiculous. It's not a right to my local member of parliament to get that shit sorted. I'll give the typewriter. Well, okay. With your typewriter, what's your fucking name suggestion? I will listen to the people.

This is why I'm not the moff. No, I'm the people. I'm not the moff. I ain't gotta decide. That's a good idea. You have a vote. Have a vote. And if it's...

I bet we get so hard to organize. There'd be nothing wrong. That'd be so good to get all good. Oh my god, no. Oh yeah, like there are so many planets so many planets I didn't even think of that

oh my god okay yeah alright maybe call it like even something really generic just like

the moon the new moon I don't know like new moon new moon's alright like Jennifer or something like that

no that's weird new moon but like NU no moon I was on board with that no because it reminds me of new metal oh wait Moon? I was on board with that.

No, because it reminds me of Nu Metal. Oh, wait. Now I'm less on board with it. And now, like, is Freak on a leash? Like, it's the... Let's call it Corn. The Cornstar. Cornstarch. Fucking hell, naming the Death Star is really hard.

It really is hard. I know, like, you get, like, he's coming back, Palpatine. What if we, like, I like the idea of having it nicknamed the Eye in the Sky. Okay. Because it looks sort of like an eyeball. Okay. I'm like, the Eye in the Sky, what is that?

Is it watching over me? No, he's like, the watcher. No. No, watching means, nah, I don't want to watch it. No, because I'm scared of Big Brother connotations. Yeah. Eye in the Sky, keeping you guys keeping safe keeping everyone safe keeping everyone safe not watching you safe is that what it says on the safety sphere the safety sphere

it's like something you buy so that your toddler doesn't fall down the stairs and how good is that to sell to people i suppose so the safety bubble no so is that what it says on your billboard like the whatever you call it the eye in the sky keep and watch on you guys but not watching you is that what your pr guy he's like you sure you're like yeah that's that's what i want he's like i mean i mean okay i guess it's a little better like yeah he's gonna call you per letter it's like the picture is jolt these grand moff douche and he's got the death star in one hand and it's like the picture is Joel the Scrandmoth Doucher and he's got the Death Star in one hand and it's like he's taking

a bite out of it like it's an apple. That's exactly what I imagine. The eye in the sky making sure you guys keep watch but not like

watching you. The perfect slogan. And all the all the people of the Empire are gonna be like we have to be like yeah or else

we're gonna get shot. I'm gonna die anyways. What about the Peacemaker or some bullshit like that? The Peacemaker? I'm liking the Peacemaker. No, Peacemaker. Peacemaker's good. And then the nickname of the eye in the sky.

Okay, cool. Keeping you safe. So you've got like a... Watching you. They're not like watching you. Perfect, perfect. It's a busy billboard. There's a lot going on now.

No, it's the nickname You nicknamed it, alright The peacemaker Someone at Easter just blowing up planets willy nilly Can I just use maybe like a grate over the exhaust? Oh yeah, that's just to stop any rebels Just a sneaky grate Just like me and Stormtrooper Zammett

I know it's not our place, but we just hang out down there No, this is your place, that's the thing I'm the people's moff Just knock on my fucking door guys look sometimes we'll be busy and look hey welcome you've caught me at a great time come in guys awesome we've got a couple of security issues sometimes when we're having lunch um i know it's not it's nobody goes there we just thought it was fine we go down to that little um the hole in the exhaust yeah there's just like a nice little room by there we sit and we've just noticed that there's nothing kind of covering it. We look at the schematics, and you get like a torpedo down right there.

The whole thing's just going to... It's all connected, which we thought was odd. But again, before you, we didn't feel like we could say anything. Or something. Thank you for giving us a voice. Hey, no problem, guys. Look, I'll be honest with you. Look, I'm going to... A few things. One, thank you so much, guys, for just coming i'll be honest with you um look i'm gonna a few things one thank

you so much guys for just coming in here being honest with me second i'm a little disappointed you've been hanging out in off area in it off off limit areas sorry guys uh no hey i get it look we can um look hey but you've been fucking honest to me guys and i feel like i really appreciate that so look i'll look into it probably don't hang out there anymore guys but hey thanks so much for letting me know it seems dangerous i'll sort that out that's not a not a problem thank you for listening to us can we get like a better common room then um that sounds pretty the uh peacemaker's pretty big so i'm sure that there's somewhere that's not being used

awesome all right thanks man look i'll look into it for you guys look again look no promises but The peacemaker's pretty big, so I'm sure that there's somewhere that's not being used. Awesome. All right, thanks, man. Look, I'll look into it for you guys. Look, again, look, no promises, but look. That's all right. It's a big star. You do what you do. Look, I'm writing it down.

Excellent, excellent. I'll look into it. Thank you so much. I think the biggest issue I'm going to... This is, again, side note. Biggest issue I'm going to have is... That's why I've been... The way I've been talking to you guys I need to be kind

of stern. Yeah, nah, because of course if you don't fall through or like Emperor has a cutty trip short, you've got a little bit of wiggle room. And also, let's be honest that place we were hanging out, that's an exhaust. It's dangerous. It's dangerous. We could die. That's on us. I could be like, damn it,

I'm going to balance the sandwich on my head and walk on the fence, and you're like, no, no, no, do it, do it. Hey, is there any oxygen? There's a lot of oxygen in the air. I'm a little bit lightheaded. I just imagine that you walk,

because there's nothing to protect, you just get sucked out into space. You're like, look at Jerry go. Oh, no. I think the biggest show I'm going to have is like, just like taking your sandwich out and just... I'll go get it.

Trying to intimidate Leia into me flying by. Just like, I'm outstretched for a sandwich. Give me a little wave. Good. Yeah, the biggest issue you're going to have, so... Is, yeah, like, because I've been so lovely to you guys. Yeah. I think word's going to spread. give me a little wipe good yeah the biggest issue you're gonna have is yeah like cause I've been so lovely

to you guys I think word's gonna spread I'm gonna have a lot of stormtroopers knocking on my door you're gonna be a lot of all day long which is again look

guys when are you gonna find time for Moffin like that's the question so okay what are you doing with this now this peacemaker

so look no I think it I think the idea of it just floating around in space is a solid plan so far. So you can basically have it hollow. Look, I can probably... I'm still Martin. Look, I still fucking work for the Empire, guys.

Look, I'm being fucking nice, but fucking... How are you getting rid of the rebel scum? Well, okay, the whole Leia thing, that's good. And for some reason, Darth Vader and the Emperor chuffed off on their holiday while she's still in my captivity. I'm imagining this is taking place at the start of Episode 4, where they're just like, we've got the Princess Leia, but we did book in that holiday, Darth.

Okay, so I'm going to go speak to Leia. I'll be like, look. G'day. Hey, Leia. Hi. Princess. Thank you. That's my title. Hi. Princess. Thank you. That's my title.

Look, you clearly know you're in trouble. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. Mm-hmm. You're lucky. Look, first of all, you're lucky that fucking... What's this about? Come on. Well, we're playing good cop, bad cop now, Leia.

Look, Leia, look. I've had it up to here with you, mate. Hang on. I need to approach this situation do you want to just leave and come back in yeah hang on look Leia look Leia he's not really like this Leia

I can't take you seriously thanks Sam stand down Leia you're lucky Vader and fucking the Emperor aren't here but they've left you in my capable hands. Okay. First of all, where's the fucking plans to our fucking peacemaker?

Because, look, if you don't tell him, like, Vader and the Emperor, they're going to probably choke you or, like, lightning you, so you probably should listen to him. I didn't put them in R2-D2. Thanks, mate. Have a sick one. Fuck.

I'll be back. Fuck. I think he put them in R2-D2. Yeah, I figured that, because I'm not a fucking idiot. Also, I noticed that you mightn't be aware of this, but we scanned an escape pod that came out of your ship. No life forms were found, but had me thinking. You know what won't show up as life forms?

Droids. Do you know what's a good thing to keep schematics in? Droids. Do you know where we're chuffing off to? Tatooine to fucking find your droids. Okay, so we chuffed down at Tatooine. I find the escape pod. I'm going to send down some stormtroopers to find the droids I'm looking for.

Yeah, neat. You're like, just don't listen to her. If anybody says that they're not, they are. Look, assume all droids are probably what you're looking for. Bring me all droids. Also, Tatooine. Like, it's the outer rim. Out of my jurisdiction. But, do you know what I hear about them? Lots of Jawas.

Jawas collect droids. Stormtroopers keep a fucking eye on them. Look, have some credits. Look, here's a company credit card. Don't fucking buy any. I'll know. I'll know. Look. It'll show up. Guys, I understand. Guys, it's gonna be hot down there. All I'm thinking of doing

is fucking hanging out at that cantina. Guys, it's gonna be hot down there. All I'm thinking of doing is fucking hanging out at that cantina. Guys, it's going to be hot down there. It's fucking jumping. Oh, so hot. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, look. Okay.

Whilst I am in charge at the moment, remember that Darth Vader's your boss. Oh, he is. He can fucking choke the shit out of you guys. He'll have none of that. Look, you know what, guys? I'm going to bring in two more troops. I don't think I can fucking trust you. Whoa. Yeah, that's a bit mean. I mean, we'm going to bring in two more troops. I don't think I can fucking trust you. Whoa.

Yeah, that's a bit mean. I mean, we did come through with the exhaust crate. What about the exhaust crate time? Well, that's the thing. Look, guys. Remember those crate times? As people, you're great. And the exhaust...

Look, I'm glad that we fixed that. Spoke to engineering. Could have killed all of us. Lucky, maybe a commendation. So maybe you just give us that credit card and we'll have all the droids. So obviously the reward that you guys got should have been good enough.

Fruit basket. Nah. No, no, no. You got a bonus. You fucking saved everyone's lives, guys. Come on. I'll spend those credits on cool drinks and cantina times.

Yes. Cut out for the fucking cantina times. Look. We won't go to the cantina. We'll happily look for these droids. Was you saying bring all droids to you? Yes. Have you provided us with some kind of truck in which to carry those droids. Was he saying bring all droids to you? Yes. Have you provided us with some kind

of truck in which to carry these droids? No, I'm... There are a lot of droids. I mean, maybe there's not, but I feel like just everywhere... Do we at least have like a quadrant? Yeah, you guys can have a quadrant away from Mos Eisley.

Why do you even say that? Guys, look, I'm not an idiot and you guys should really not. Like, I can hear everything you say. Hear what? Jackson, you're fucked up. Yes. Look, guys,

I've got a really chill job on the Peacemaker. Maybe you're best suited for that. Look, it'll be a chill day for you guys. I'll bring in my boy Sam

and Chad. Okay. And look, maybe they're best suited for this. I mean, I am sending like a thousand stormtroopers down because it would be ridiculous to just send two men

to check it out I'm focusing on you guys, but they're like hassle on my bits Alright, so like you get a lot of droids Canvas Tatooine with a bunch of stormtroopers Like a lot I still reckon R2-D2 and C-3PO

might just slip through the radar But you know who probably won't slip through my radar? Who's that? Fucking Jedis. How? Mind tricks, I guess. Fuck. Yeah.

Plus, you're not... Is a lost force sensitive? Is this like... Jedis. Nice. So you can't really tell any Jedis. You're just like, this just a sandy planet full of shit Yeah, basically

I reckon episode 4 happens exactly as it happens Except Alderaan's not dead And the exhaust port is covered That's true, so at the end they're like So yeah, they go to blow They've got the window like this No, that's fine, actually the schematics mean nothing now Yeah, they wouldn't even

Also, they wouldn't need to blow up Attack the Peacemaker, because it hasn't really blown up Alderaan. It's just a threat. Like, to the Rebels, it's just a threat. Yeah. Because I'd probably... I mean, Leia caved very easily,

but I was happy to threaten Alderaan. Okay, so... Like, I'm still a bad guy. I'm just a good bad guy. Okay, so let's say they take this... The Hank Scorpio of Star Wars. Let's's happened here so Leia no like rescued by Luke obi-wan and Han and Chewie but obi-wan is now alive because you you haven't gone up to get into the same boy you're like look just take a guess take the princess

I'm not she's yeah she's like given me a... Honestly, I don't even know why we took her in the first place. The one schematic that would have helped them. Now it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even mean anything.

Actually, no. Also, I've changed the Death Star a little bit since they've left. So their schematics would be like, oh, there's the port. Because the schematics

would still say that there's a hole. Yeah. You're just crushing Luke when he goes in. You're just like, now. And then me and Dammit in the exhaust plate,

we go to eat our lunch. Like, pew, pew. Yeah. And because I know that you have the schematics, which means that I have the schematics, which means that I know where the weaknesses are. I'm just putting a whole fucking bunch of guns right near it, knowing they're coming for it.

Hmm. Okay, that takes care of the Jedi problem. It takes care of the fucking Death Star exploding problem. Yep. It takes care of a lot of problems. The rebels, though. Well, the rebels would be terrorists. They attacked the Peacemaker for no reason.

Yeah, John Tatooine at home is like, you hear about these rebels, love? What happened, John? They attacked the Thai... What, love? It's not called the Thai moon anymore. The Peacemaker. Who's the one that watches you but doesn't do it the creepy way?

Watches you but not in a creepy way. Love just watches you like a friend watches you to make sure you're okay. Those rebel scum. I hate them. They just keep ruining everything. See, everyone's turned on the rebels now. Because in the movies, everyone's like, no, wait. At first, everyone's like, rebel scum.

And then they're like, actually, they just straight up destroyed Alderaan for no reason. Having some thoughts about the Empire. Do you reckon when Palpatine comes back, he's proud? Is he like, you did a good job? Or is he like, I wanted to destroy Alderaan. He's probably a little... I'm salty. No, he didn't want to destroy Alderaan.

Oh, yeah. That was just the old Moff. The old Moff. Out with the old Moff into the new Moff. Joel Moff. As they say. That is a saying. Tarkin care of business. Tarkin care of business. That would be my slogan. The people's Moff, Tarkin care of business.

And like a shitty like political cartoon of like Grand Moff Tarkin just you know with like a giant boot just kicking everyone out. Yeah. That just says Moff Tusha on it.

So I think he'd be a bit salty that you made some changes. Yeah look but I feel like that sure honestly like I'm probably gonna get choked

albeit. I don't know he saved you he'd be like look it's not destroyed, I did pretty good, blah blah blah blah, morale is up. Well that's what I mean, I feel like that I've probably got enough sway

with the Empire, like he made me crammed more. He's probably going to at least listen to me, and there'll be things he'll be like, you fucking did what? And I'll be like, look, it was for the best. What did you end up calling it? The love? No, the peacemaker. The peacemaker.

The peacemaker. But I really like the Death Star. We had a meeting. We had a focus group. Everyone was like, the Death Star. Everyone was afraid of it. God, I expected this, but you can still call it the Death Star. We know it's the Death Star. Please stop electrocuting me.

Thanks. Let me speak for a second. It's just the peacemaker to those cunts. We know it's the Death Star. It's still the Death Star where it counts. In our hearts. Our cold, dead Sith hearts. Am I right, fellas?

Yes! And then as the Stormtroopers cheer you on, Palpatine's like, this guy, he's changed things around. So then what happens in Empire Strikes Back? Well, there's no Death Star to rebuild because it still exists as the Peacemaker.

How do they find him on Hoth again? Probe droid. Little probe droid. The probe droid would be there. You'd already have the Death Star. You'd just blow up Hoth. And people would be like, why'd they blow up Hoth?

They'd be like, look. Terrorists. Ice planet terrorists. Ice planet, no other life, just a bunch of fucking terrorists. Exactly. Die. Sorted.

Return of the Jedi doesn't happen because no Jedi's are returning. Luke died back in episode four. Yeah, the AT-ATs don't... What do you call them? AT-AT-ATs? They don't get used. That's sad. Somebody's got them all don't get used that's sad somebody's got

them all ready to deploy and he's like we got you know hey you know what's big the peacemaker do you know it'll be sick riding an at-at around the piece but you could still use the at-at's just chuck them down as your first assault and then that still falls a shit blow them up you know because look luke is no longer there luke's there anymore You've just got Leia and Obi-Wan No Yoda, because he just stays on the swamp planet Being like, I wonder if stuff's happening out there I wonder if they found Luke I hope so Go to Luke's grave

I hope so He'll bring bells He'll do it He cuts back to his grave again and then you blow up Hoth and I guess yeah and people were like whoa and I'd be like look

it wasn't what we wanted to do but we looked at it from all angles it's an ice planet could you just cover it up? I probably could no one's on the ice planet there's no media there sure Alderaan is a No, there's no meteor there. I have Shido.

Like, Alderaan. Sure, Alderaan is like a huge planet. There's like trade and shit. Hoth? Fuck it off. Who's on Hoth? What? Do the Wampa have this like amazing like galactic trade?

No, they don't. So I want to be like, there's no planet here. You'd be like, I don't think so. What's the planet called? Hoth here? No. You think you can find it at Hoth? No.

No, fuck it. I'm going to be upfront about it. I'll be like, look, we had enough intel that I felt like it was necessary to take out the Rebel Scum. And look, we tried ground troops first. Didn't work. They slaughtered our troops. Those terrorist motherfuckers slaughtered our troops.

After trying to blow up our peacemaker, which watches you but not in a creepy way. Hey, we've got your back, guys. So they tried that a couple of weeks ago. Now in this new thing, we're in a film. Yeah, like, they're fucking, we found them, the hideout. We sent out down our ground troops. They just slaughtered them. We pulled out the remaining ones, like, got our boys out of there.

I like that, because even if that was a lie, it doesn't matter. Got our boys out of there. John Tatooine at home is like, what a good toff. I mean, moth. I like that toff. Shut up, Marjorie! Wait, am I also a lady? I have two wives.

Tatooine, it's okay. I just figured that was the grandma. Two sons, two moons. Whatever. Two wives. Yes. Oh, Grandma, it's okay. I just figured that was the grandma. Two sons, two moons. Whatever. Two wives. Yes. Oh, grandma, it's moth, you idiot. Oh, grandma. Shut up and go moisture farm for me, son.

Oh, God, I hate my life. I'm going to go work for the Empire. That's where people are going. They're not dreaming of the Rebel Alliance. They're dreaming of working for the Empire now. Yeah. I mean, you working for the Empire now. Yeah. I mean, you've turned the whole thing around. And if all of the rebels still end up on Hoth,

you've killed Han. Also, I'd just like to point out... You've killed Mon Motha. Yeah, you've killed Seth Rupio and R2. All that's really left is Lando, but he's in Cloud City. And he's happy to make a deal with... He will just betray anyone that drops a fucking hat.

So good. So good, I'm wearing a cape. Sick one Lando. Sick one. My mate. Are there any Jedi left? There's Yoda but he's in a swamp. And he's gonna die

pretty soon. He dies of old age very shortly after these events. And maybe depending on what Obi-Wan does like cause he could be like

shit, shit, shit Luke just died shit what do we do? Don't worry, there's another. Oh, no, she's dead too. All you might worry about is just sneaky Obi-Wan maybe taking Leia and doing something on a different planet. But, again, the likelihood of that happening,

Obi-Wan, as we've previously discovered, is pretty incompetent, so... I'm pretty safe. Yeah. You know, you were bad at handling the Avengers. Weren't bad. Jaldusha, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., not a good time. I'd argue you weren't great being James Bond,

but then again, you fixed all the problems we threw at you, so that was more on Jackson, though. I think of my feet, lads. You made a really fucking good moff, Tusha. Like, you won. You won for the Empire. You won for the Empire. You won for the Empire, you won for the people.

And still made them look like okay guys. I'm pretty sure the, I think Anakin, once he realises Luke was his son, is now dead, might have a little bit of an issue with you. No, because he would have known Luke, fuck, come on,

he's the most powerful Jedi in the universe, apparently. He'd sense his son. Yeah, but it's dead now. He might be mad, but whatever. He'd be mad at you. Vader's be getting salty, you move on. Vader's getting salty all the time. I'm not gonna lie,

I'm a little bit pro-Empire at the end of this episode. Same! Empire did well. Sure, Palpatine's a dick. We've got the peacekeeper, just keeping watch over us, but not in a creepy way it's the eye in the sky that's watching you it's got your back, but not in a creepy way

it's good, it's good I'm on board I'm trying to think if there's any other issues I'd have I literally can't even think of anything that's going to stand in your way I think you'll probably surpass Palpatine eventually. I did blow up a planet, so that probably ticks his only box.

No, but you did. You blew up Hoth. No, that's what I mean. Like, I did blow up a planet. I think he might be annoyed that he didn't get, like, a new apprentice. But I'm sure there's going to be someone out there that's going to be born with some more midichlorian bullshit. Grand Moff Apprentice Dusha?

Depends if you're strong with the Force. Come on, guys. Well, then, yep, I guess so. So at the end of this, Dushan, not only have you won space for the Empire. I won the Star War. You won the Star War. You also secured yourself a tasty little place as the new parenthesis

to old Palpy and Vader can just go have a bit of a sulk old salty Vader go back to be like why couldn't we have called Padme it was a good option it would have been nice to honour her

no I did a sick job you did a sick job well You did a sick job. Well done. Good. Hey, on that note, I've been Grand Moff Dusha, the people's Moff. I've been both Princess Leia and Jackson the Stormtrooper. And I've been Joel and Sam, both Stormtroopers. Good.

Hey, you're welcome to join my empire at any time. I'd appreciate you. We need you It's the eye in the sky that's watching you But not in a creepy way It's just got your back It's just got your back, so don't stress Vote empire? Vote empire

If we had elections, but we don't So, take a bite out of that Peacemaker And say hello to a new tomorrow. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.