Plumbing the Death Star - Is the Imperial Army Racist?

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

In which our heroes look at the Star Wars Universe and ask if the Imperial Army is kinda racist which leads them to uncovering a greater truth... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone! Look, it's us, Plumbing the Death Star! That's right! And we're here to tell you that we are doing a live show... in Melbourne. Sound like a goat, my dude. In Melbourne! Speaking of goats, the goat man himself, James, won't be there, but I will. Yeah, Joel Zimert's coming.

Will be here. If you are in Australia and you're jealous, well if you're in Melbourne specifically, and you're jealous because you can't come to any of the UK live shows, guess what? You can come to this one. It's the Comedy Republic. On the 22nd of August at 6.30pm, Plumbing the Death Star will be performing live for the first time in like two years. Exactly, that's exciting.

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They're also on sale through the San Francisco Radio website. Which will then take you to the Comedy Republic website. It's really like, you know, look, add a click. Add a click. Add a click. Add a little bit of extra effort for you. So come see us live. It'll be like this, except you can say stuff back.

You can yell. You can be like, hey, shut up. No yelling. Have you ever been to a show before? It'll be good. Yeah. Yeah. People have whacked my foot while we've been performing before.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't tell people that. They might do it because they think it's a funny bit. Just put that idea in there. Why would you do that? This is how you get an inception. Don't hit my foot.

27th of August. 22nd of August. 22nd of August. My god. I'm not 22nd. 22nd of August. Comedy Republic. Come see us. What time, Jackson? 6.30. Good. It's a Thursday night. So you just finish work and you're like, man, work made me clever today. Time to get dumb.

Anyway, see you there. Sands Pants Radio. I'm hungry. You guys hungry? I'm kind of hungry. Want to get some food? Welcome to Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the hard-hitting questions like, is the Imperial Army racist?

So I was watching Star Wars recently, and yeah, I just want to put forward the fact that the Imperial Army, racist as fuck. Give me evidence. Well, they just don't let any non-humanoid people into the army. Like, at all. Straight up. There is just not one single non-humanoid person as a stormtrooper.

How can you tell? They're all wearing uniforms. Well, exactly, but they're all humanoid. Well, yeah, but I mean, they're humanoid. They could still be aliens. Also, what about the, you know, the part of the Imperial Army that doesn't, like,

don't dress like stormtroopers, like, just wear normal helmets where you can see their faces? All white humans. All of them. All of them white humans. Not even black guys. They're not even being, like,

semi... Also, no women. No women, but sexism, we'll leave that for another day. Yeah, alright. It's not even, it's not even being like... Also, no women. No women, but sexism. We'll leave that for another day. Yeah, all right. It's not even just racist to aliens.

It's just white people. But can you... Okay, can you imagine the logistical problem involved in making uniforms for all these other non-humanoid aliens? Making uniforms for black people must be so hard. Well, we don't... They could be black under the armor. We don't know this.

Maybe all the Stormtroopers are black. You're racist. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe Imperial Army sent them look. They could be black under the armor. We don't know. Maybe all the Stormtroopers are black. Maybe. You're racist. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe the Imperial Army sends them out as like cannon fodder. Yeah.

A whole South Park sort of vibe going. But I seriously think they are right because not once do we see an alien who is in the Imperial Army. Any of the generals

are always human. Okay. It doesn't matter why, they're just always human. Yeah, right. And also in Return of Sorry, The Empire Strikes Back

When they finally Darth Vader as the initiative To get bounty hunters involved To hunt down Han Solo And they have all these alien races on the ship The Imperial Army Or the Imperial officers Look at them and go

We don't need this scum Racism Just saying Racist Alright right i can't defend that but i think there's a bigger question to ask here actually hearing your argument where's the problem is the problem in darth vader is this a personal prejudice that just spreads out throughout the Imperial Army? Or Palpatine, he's in charge. Yeah, he's the one. He's the boss.

Is that in the rules? I would think so. I really want to focus on the original trilogy. But if you do bring in the prequels, you can argue the fact that, yes, they're clones. But I would say what's happened after the Clone Wars bring in the prequels, you can argue the fact that yes, they're clones, but I would say what's happened after the Clone Wars, in my opinion, yes, they're still kind of clones in that army, but they don't speak

with the Maori accent like Boba Fett does now. If you notice. So clearly he's outsourced his troops to get other non-Jango Fett clones into the troopers.

Maybe the reason, right, is because it's easy to control people. If I'm a human, I can control another human, right? And what do you got to do? If you're like a fly man, I'm going to be like, march, and you're just going to be like, I'm going to be like,

march. Okay, okay'm going to be like, March. Okay, okay. But when do we actually, when do we really see the most alien races in the original trilogy? That would probably be in the Hive of Scum and Villainy at the... Tatooine Bar.

Tatooine. Cantina. The Cantina. Mos Eisley Cantina. Mos Eisley Cantina. So what are most of the alien races doing? Getting drunk? Drinking? Mos Eisley Cantina. What are most of the aliens doing? Getting drunk? Drinking? Getting drunk? And yelling for no good

reason, right? Threatening to kill people is also something. Threatening to kill... Hang on. A white guy walks into the bar. Yeah, so Anakin Skywalker goes into that bar. No, fuck you. Luke goes into the bar. Yeah, alright. Fuck you. Luke Skywalker... Okay. Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan and the two droids walk into the bar. Yeah, all right. Fuck you. Luke Skywalker. Okay, so Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan, and the two droids walk into the bar.

And we don't serve your kind is referred to the droid. So already you've got some sort of... Said by a white guy. Said by the only human who is working. The only worker in that bar is human, all right? So we always see these aliens that are getting drunk, being very violent. These aliens that are getting drunk, being very violent. I reckon what's happened is that the human race has invaded these planets and done what sort of the white man did to any indigenous race in our world,

which is basically decimated their culture and not given the opportunities to work and just basically introduce fire water and they've just gone and gotten drunk. So what, you reckon the aliens had no alcohol beforehand? Wait a second. Have we just discovered a huge topic? Have we just accidentally come across the idea that not only is the Imperial Army racist,

the entire Star Wars universe is racist. And you can see it. You can see it. Because when they're in the Mos Eisley cantina, that one alien who's got, like, the ball sack face, he's like, my friend, he doesn't like your face. Yeah. Your face. Your white human face.

Yeah, because of the atrocities that you have done to our people. This is a bar full of aliens, native tatooineans and in walks proud as fuck luke skywalker cock of the walk and they're like what the fuck are you doing in here also two things the owner the owner is also another white man oh that's a good also and two things happen in the bar whilst they're in there number one obi-wan white guy, cuts off an alien's arm. No one gives a shit. Because they've been under the thumb of the white man for so long that they can't fight back.

They speak up, spin doctors will twist it around, and it'll become the alien's fault. Everybody knows you stay quiet, you heal the hand. Exactly. You move on. Don't fucking cause trouble. Second major event in the bar is Han Solo, white male,

shoots an alien. Unprovoked, well, provoked, but just kills him. Doesn't, like, maim him or, like, slap his gun. Kills him. No one gives a shit. The Mos Eisley Cantina cleanup crew are gonna have to come in there and be like, oh, this is sick. We live in a sick society.

Alternatively, because everyone else that has a job is a white male the cleanup crew are also white males and just like good and we've deserved it racism we win again but hang on but hang on are the aliens actually doing anything terribly illegal or debaucherous in there you've got the cantina band just having a good time people are drinking but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're i mean they're drinking to excess where they're getting violent and it is like it that alcoholism is a bit of an issue. Well, I'm just wondering because, you know, Obi-Wan is like, it's a hive of scum and villainy.

Is he talking about the debauchery that goes on there? Or just the aliens in general? I think he's just being a racist prick. I mean, just think about any other alien species there, you've got Yoda, right? who is, again, a different sort of alien and how we're introduced to him by him sort of scavenging through Luke's stuff

stealing his food he's fiendish, he's sneaky and Luke refuses to believe that he's a Jedi Master for a good time yeah, let's think about the Jedi Masters that we see in the original trilogy okay somebody named them because i cannot obi-wan and yoda and technically darth vader where you're not a jedi master but darth vader and well palpatine but again if you want to get

really technical obi-wan is not a jedi master yeah that's true jedi knight yeah so the only master we have is yoda so there's there's there's one master and he's the only alien palpatine's a master as well yeah but palpatine's human like that's what i'm saying all the jedis are human right the ones that survived a human yeah the ones that survived a human what are we to take from this yoda runs away to the Dagobah system. Was there a cleansing? Yes, there was. But Yoda doesn't say, like, I'm going to blend in with the rest of the world, like the rest of the outer rim, or try and hide myself away amongst other people.

No, I'm going to fuck off to some danky swamp and just live the rest of my life out there. So he hides in a swamp where, Luke, a white male boy is hidden away from his father on the planet that his father grew up on in plain sight. Okay, look, let's, let's, okay, yes, and he has the same, like, last name. So, yes, the whole hiding Luke away from, like, Anakin is kind of stupid. No, no, it's stupid. No, no, no, because, like, he's white and that, they're like, oh, he'll blend in. He'll be fine. With Yoda, they're like, fucking, better put him in a swamp. Yeah, yeah, Skywalker, it's like smith on

fucking tatooine no but hang on hang on if there was a okay i'm i'm still pressing for this ethnic cleansing okay so so i want you to imagine this all right okay there's an ethnic cleansing right but yoda escapes yoda flies off to the dagobah system thinking he's got off scott free right when obi-wan sends luke there he's not like go train he's like we have a job to do also i just realized that also makes sense to why people are like really like weird about talking about the force everyone knows it was an ethic cleansing i feel a bit uncomfortable about it they want to try and somebody Somebody's like, oh, the Force. No, no, no. It's like the Holocaust all over again. I just feel like, again,

getting back to the point of the Imperial, in my opinion, the Imperial Army is racist because they're just not letting any non-humans into their army. Not just non-humans, but even the humanoid-looking character, aliens, yes, you could argue that they're under the hood of the stormtrooper, but it doesn't appear that way because all the other alien races,

they can't fit into that mold, that shape. Twi'lek, whatever they're called. Are they the ones with the head business? Yeah, the head weird business. They couldn't fit there. Anything with a snout ain't going to fit into those stormtrooper helmets. Anything with even a slightly large head. I'm pretty sure you see in the cantina some dudes that just have,

they're just like dudes with big foreheads. Like, even that's an issue. Do you reckon, like, it started off as, well, it's a manufacturing issue. That's what I was thinking. We just have a bunch of suits, and it's kind of hard to... Do you know how much money we're sinking on this death stuff? Yeah. All right, okay, let's roleplay this.

All right. Okay, so you're coming to me. I'm like in charge of funding for the Imperial Army, and you're trying to propose that we bring some aliens in, and we want to make custom uniforms. Okay, look, Gary. Excuse me? Sorry. You're just coming in without knocking?

Knock, knock. Come in. Yes, hi, Gary? Yeah, yes, I'm Gary. I, knock. Come in. Yes, hi, Gary? Yes, I'm Gary. I'm going to help you. I've been sort of touring the outer rim, and I've sort of come from all these different alien cultures, and a lot of them are very sympathetic to our cause.

All right, well, that's... Which is really, really great. I was just wondering, can we recruit them? Sorry, I'll just interject there. As Gary's assistant, did you just talk about aliens in a nice way? Yes. Did you just make them equal to

white humans? We just feel... Gary, Gary, it's fine. I'll handle this. They're very sympathetic to our cause. I mean, I've had some of them coming up and going, can we please fight for the Imperial Army? I mean, don't we need all the help that we can...

You come into my office and you... Well, my office, Ted. and going, can we please fight for the Imperial Army? I mean, don't we need all the help that we can... You come into my office and you... Well, my office, Ted. It's more my office. My apologies. You come into our office and you just straight up, first of all, implying that I'm racist by being like, oh, we don't have any aliens.

Fuck you. We do. Fuck you. Who do we have? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Maybe we do. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Second of all,

you then imply that I hire scum. Scum! Scum! On my ship! Aside from all that, Ted, you are being a little racist. My ship! Thank you for your impassioned speech, Ted. But the fact of the matter

is it's a simple manufacturing problem. We get all of our Stormtrooper uniforms. Well, no, just listen to me, buddy. So we get all of our Stormtrooper outfits in bulk, okay? We are sinking so much money on this Death Star that to manufacture custom, I mean, have you seen some of the aliens we get? Some have long heads, some have short heads, and that's within the same species. Humans are pretty uniform.

We can manufacture bulk. We can manufacture small, medium, large. That's all we got. We are already very in the red. Oh. I just feel like what if we said they can bring their own armor? I mean. Well, we've got a brand, you know, to look after, buddy.

It's a branding. Well, you know, we've got an image. If we've got them in their own armor, people will be like, who are these guys? They see Stormtroopers, they're like, oh, look at that nice white shine. I know I'm safe. Just saying, this seems quite like you're making a unified emperor of humans.

Well, that's slander. Just get out of my office. I'm calling security. Well, that's slander. Just get out of my office. I'm calling security. Yeah, it's probably bad. I'm going to get choked to death. Yeah, you do. I'm laughing because you are. Ada probably gets bummed about that.

Yeah, I think maybe you're right. Maybe it's like a branding thing. It's like, look, we do want you to be part of it, but honestly, you don't want to look uniform. Can you imagine you get a Wookiee? Wookiee? Wookiees don't... Their uniform is like fucking leather shit. It's not going to look right.

It's just a branding thing. Although the Death Star doesn't look... I guess they're not really branding the Death Star. I'm not trying to sell that to the people. The Death Star doesn't really look like a Stormtrooper. I don't know how the people are going to feel about this Well I was like, he's not shiny and white Now that I start thinking about it

When you bring up Chewbacca I mean, he's the only sort of non-human That really serves on the rebel force And half the time They pretty much treat him like a dog He's kind of a pet, yeah They literally pet him on the head Is it kind of like some guy who has an African-American friend

and always makes jokes about how African-American they are, but really nobody's okay with it? Just like, I can understand you, Chewie. I think really it is not just the Imperials that are sort of showing off the race card here and how much they just only care about human politics and human affairs because even the rebels are pretty much

primarily humans. Okay, so rebels, let's go through them. Let's name the aliens in it. Okay, so we've got the humans. The humans. Set them to the side. You've got Chewbacca. Chewbacca. He's a member of the Wookiee. Okay, we've got one Wookiee. That's good. It's a start. What about Ewoks? Can we classify Ewoks? They're not really part of theca. Chewbacca. He's a member of the Wookiee. Okay, we've got one Wookiee. That's good.

It's a star. What are Ewoks? Can we classify Ewoks? They're not really part of the Rebels. They don't get hats. You know, they have those, well, helmets. Oh, yeah, yeah. Most of the Rebels have cool helmets. Yeah, the Wookiees don't get helmets either.

And also the fish people. Yeah, what's his name? Admiral Ackbar. Admiral Ackbar. It's a trap. So that's two. That's two. Is Porkins an alien?

It's a race of fatties. Okay, so two aliens, two and a half maybe Porkins. Two aliens and a fatty. He's evolved from the pigs. Yeah. Okay, so. And one woman. No, two women.

I was watching. Mon Mothma. Again, there is a bunch of background, like in the background, there's like about three or four different women just sitting at computers. It is quite, quite in the background at least it's equal opportunity in that sense

but I will say are there any humans on the fish people ship it's all fish people it's all just fish people so at the very least there's some sort of segregation going on here it's not as intense as i mean there are fish people

so they gotta gotta be thankful for that that is true like they let them in but it's like well you you gotta be in your own ship yeah i'm so sorry i think you're being too specific here i think the problem is much bigger right but i don't think it's necessarily racism. I think that if you live in a big galaxy full of different alien races, chances are, like, you're just not going to be able to, you know, fucking get along with some of them. Fair enough. Like, okay, so imagine, Dusha, you are the guy with the testicle chin. Yep. All right? And I will be, um, uh, uh, uh...

I already know where this is going. Let me just say that Jabba the Hutt doesn't speak English, yet Han Solo understands him completely. Yeah, well, I don't know. Maybe Han Solo... He's a smuggler. And I'm going to be... What's the name of Jabba the Hutt's little fucking chimp dude?

It's like... The laughing one. I don't know his name. Damn, he's got a cool name. But I'll be him. And we are on a bus. A space bus. It's a long distance trip trip so we have to talk and we're gonna see how this works out my friend he doesn't like you i don't like you either

can you see the problems i can see the problems I think that's the problem I don't think I could relate to testicle chin No matter what I was That's true Also getting back to the rebels When they all start When they actually finally do But their deaths start

Killing millions of people Killing millions of people And also I want to point out Killing also prisoners on that ship Yeah they just didn't think ahead. There's a whole prison system there where they get Leia out because she's in one cell. There are other cells there, so I'm assuming that there are other prisoners. No, no, no, no, no.

Because the Death Star was going to blow up a moon that had one base of people on it. And obviously, to save those 200 people, they needed to murder half a million. I mean, and it's also... Obviously, can't see the logic in that. Also, there was no aliens on that moon, so... to save those 200 people. They needed to murder half a million. Obviously. Can't you see the logic in that? Also, there was no aliens on that moon, so... They're worth, like, 10 aliens each. So after they blow up the Death Star, and they have the awards ceremony...

You notice who doesn't get an award? Chewie. Chewie! Chewie! And R2-D2. And R2-D2. C-3PO looks like a human It's a metal

It's a metal right there So it's not just humans It's human looking robots Also, why does C-3PO get one and R2 doesn't? C-3PO does shit compared to R2-D2 Yeah, what does C-3PO do that R2 doesn't? Look like a human That's your answer

It's a fucking Star Wars racism hurts me. So I think Star Wars is not just the Imperials that are the racist ones here. Everyone. Rebels. Rebels, they're better, but they are still a form of segregation happening. The government, whoever gave out the medals, that would have had to be

some ruling body. Who gave them the medals? Because the rebels took down the government. Did the rebels gave them the medals? Because the rebels took down the government. Did the rebels just give themselves medals? Yes. They must have, because they just committed... But that hurts even more

for poor Chewie and R2. They're like, we were with you. Yeah. It was your choice. It wasn't the government. We saved the fucking day. R2-D2 gets shot in the face.

You should have given him a medal. He should give him, like, two medals for that. But because you look like a trash can, not like a human. Why do they get medals? They just committed treason and killed so many people. The rebels... It's an intergalactic apartheid.

It really is. It's one drinking fountain for humans, another for everything else. It's three drinking fountain for humans and another for everything else. It's three drinking fountains for humans and none for everyone else. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. That was Plumbing the Death Star.

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