Plumbing the Death Star - Is Xavier a Jerk? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

In which our heroes survive the initial onslaught, emotionally recover from yet another faked death and pause long enough to stop beating on a sentient room as they start to wonder if Charles Xavier really is a jerk. We once again wonder what kind of education Charles actually provides, how any of the X-Men can look each other in the eye, and try and figure out who bathes Professor X. Jackson wonders what happened to Mahogany Boy, James doesn’t want to go to a school where the principal can read your mind, Zammit once again shows off his encyclopaedic knowledge of Charles Xavier's transgressions and Duscher just wants to use Jean Grey like a canary down a coal mine. So develop a mutant ability, get enlisted in Charles never ending war against his siblings, and wish you'd chosen the Brotherhood instead. By gifted youngsters, Charles clearly means soldiers. Want to help fund a school that actually helps new mutants? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can provide an alternative to Professor X. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty six book about how to fight the crippled. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Loves you like your mum does. This week's episode is sponsored by Colin Hoover, Michael, and Sam Harris. You guys are awesome. Enjoy the episode. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, Is Professor Xavier a jerk? Clearly the answer is yes. I mean, I was just reading the Onslaught saga.

If anyone doesn't know, it's when Professor Xavier does turn evil. Like, but like legitimately. Like legitimately evil. Did someone get in his brain or did he just go, this is what I'm doing now? Well, they sort of... X-Men, I'm evil now. Goodbye.

It starts off with him after he sort of brain melts or brain wipes Magneto, which is, A, a jerk move, but still apparently a part of Magneto's soul attaches to Xavier, and then all of Xavier's dark, repressed thoughts burst out, and he becomes this evil man. Can he walk? Yeah. What do you mean, yeah?

Does he just hobble everywhere? Well, he kind of gets his lip. Okay, so X-Man, who is this Nate Grey who is Cable, but from an alternate reality. He came into the universe, and he sort of pulled Xavier from the astral plane or something like that, which gave Professor Xavier this idea to pull shit from the astral plane, which is think of it as sort of psionic energy. All right.

And so then just run with it. That makes it much clearer. I'm following so well. And then Xavier's like, okay, I know what to do now. I'll grab psionic armor from the astral plane into the real world. To get legs. And so he sort of walks around in the armor, but I guess he's floating inside. Oh, I see what you mean.

That is a maybe. That is a he does maybe walk. That was kind of correct. Technically, no, but there's an easier way in the Marvel Universe to walk. that is he does maybe that is kind of correct technically no but there's an easier way in the Marvel Universe to walk like surely see a doctor see a doctor even without mutant powers like we have

that technology now so there's one specific issue before we find out like you know he is Onslaught is that this character Onslaught kind of goes and kidnaps Jean Grey from a mall shopping centre and he's like here's Xavier's mind

and he's like whatever he's just a father figure and he's like oh is he let's read this kind of repressed thought and it's basically Xavier saying that thinking out in his head like oh man Jean Grey I love her so much. But this is when he was just training, so clearly

when they were very young. Well, the thing about Xavier, like, yeah, this is awful. He's a bad man. But the very fact that he's like, I'm gonna collect mutants, not train them terribly well. Like, I mean, maybe that's just negligence. But it's also

pretty much a jerk move did he does he have a teaching degree well jackson um he's a professor he of what he says oh i don't know genetics genetics he's a genetics professor teach him genetics it's kind of like me being like hey i can speak english i'm gonna open a school and teach people how to speak English. No, it's kind of like I can speak Esperanto, which has elements of English. So I teach everyone English. Would you guys go to a school where the principal can read your mind? No, not at all.

I wouldn't go to... Is it for education at all, this school? It's both. Gifted youngsters. Gifted youngsters. That's very vague. Yeah, it's very vague. It's for mutants, though. It's both. Gifted youngsters. Gifted youngsters. That's very vague. Yeah, it's very vague. It's for mutants, though. It's training and education.

Alright, Jackson, you're gonna be a young mutant. Alright. So, like, say it happens when you hit puberty, so we're talking like 12, 13, 14. My eyes are little versions of me that I can pop out and they walk around and fuck you up. But you're depressed about it because

you know mutants are hated and feared people i have to wear glasses so they don't see my and then let me out and then like maybe someone saw you without the glasses so it's already out you're a mutant so you're like oh look at you fucking mutie let's get him yeah uh and your parents are like oh my god i'm you let's get him. Yeah. And your parents are like, oh, my God, a mutie. Let's get him. How do my parents not know I had me eyes? They're very negligent. Glasses, you answered that question.

That's true. That's on me. That's on me. You don't ever told one person, and that was Stacey at the year 10 formal. Like Stacey. And I just, like, slide my glasses down my nose, and my little me's are like, hello. And she screams and then gets the jocks to beat you

she was your closest friend and she betrayed me so I need somewhere to go so Xavier's like boop boop boop oh I detect a new mutant so he walks up to your um or rolls up really to your house yeah and he's like hey Jackson me eyes yeah I'm Professor Xavier it's just Jackson but yeah hey

aye aye teach sorry Sorry, Jackson. Aye, aye, another odd comment. Whatever, go on, Xavier. I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you a code name. Very soft calling me out. You have weird eyes. I said it. Go on.

He's like, hello, young Jackson. Please come to my school. We have gifted, you teach for gifted youngsters. Okay, Mrs. and Mrs. Bailey. They're like, hello, young Jackson, please come to my school. We have gifted, you teach gifted youngsters. Okay, Mrs. and Mrs. Bailey. They're like, please get rid of him. They're like, no, he's our son. Oh, my bad. So then the next day he was like, boop, boop, boop, boop,

you're coming with me. And then your parents are like, oh, yep, no, cool, Nick. Jackson, off you go. A lot of the time the parents don't know either that it's a school for mutants. No. Because the public face of it is just gifted kind of kids. And it sort of does happen.

I'm pretty sure with Kitty's parents, they don't really want her to go, but he's like, boop, boop, boop. That's not all. That's kidnapping. That's just what that is. I get there and I'm like, sick. I'm going to be surrounded by people who will help me learn about my powers and stuff. And then Xavier's like, fight for me.

Xavier's like, go pee's like okay i i i i hate that night i've made you this costume wear it uh can i just get into the costume now then he'd boop boop boop me and i'd be like yeah man yeah okay and then i'd be like i this is my brother fight him he is this is my brother. Fight him. He is literally our son. This is not a legitimate school. No, but going back to the comment about gifted youngsters not being a legitimate school, it doesn't have the same problem as Hogwarts.

It does actually have proper classes that you get in a school. Yeah, you're right. An example of it is like the End of Days of Future Past. It's revealed that Logan is a history teacher. Because I'm sure if they're teaching history, then maths and things like that would also be... I'm pretty sure Gambit teaches people how to be a thief. Oh, yeah, good.

I loved that class in high school. Again, I'm pretty sure that Cyclops will teach shop, like mechanics. No, you can't ever. No, the holidays, but you can't say anything. You have to keep your glasses on. I don't know how itbike. No, you can't, Eber. No, it's a holidays, but you can't say anything. You have to keep your glasses on. I don't know how it works.

No, you don't. That's super disturbing, though, that I'm like, sick, I get to go home, and Professor Gravy's like, come into my office, aye, aye. Look, I know you want to tell your parents about the exciting time you had here, but if you do, I'll fucking kill you. Okay.

I guess I won't. This is our secret. Oh, no. it's super disturbing very culty it's very culty and it's supposed to be a safe place but as we discussed briefly before the show it's not a very safe place

it's constantly under attack the moment you're like this is a safe place this room is called the danger room this is where you'll be going to fight with your aye-ayes. I'm like, what? It's just like a simulation room. I can't get hurt.

Incorrect. Oh, boy, you can. Let me get this hard light hologram up. Now punch it as hard as you can. No, no, no. Xavier, I just have little me's in my eye sockets. I'm not any physically stronger. I can't help it, can I?

Well, once it became sentient and murdered a child. They didn't try to kill me. That was a tough time, though. That was a tough time. I pretty much gave it a lobotomy. Yeah, that happened. Deidre, we've talked about that before, but it did become sentient because it was like Shi'atek,

which is his bird alien. Like a sexy robot lady. Yeah. Xavier was tooling around with the danger room and it just became aware that it existed and its first thing was like, where am I? What's going on? And Xavier was like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,

shut up, trap, trap, trap. Yeah, it killed a kid. Well, it forced a kid to commit suicide. Well, persuaded a kid to commit suicide. What do you reckon is the death count, like, in a year for the X-Mansion, how many kids are dying from just like, holy shit, I have laser eyes, and I killed a kid from suicides, from Magneto attacks, from Hulk attacks. Let me tell you about a story called Deadly Genesis.

Oh, no. So we all know the original X-Men, yeah? Iceman. Iceman, Marvel Girl, Beast, Cyclops and Angel. Cool. So they go on a mission and they get kidnapped by this island who is a mutant island called Krakatoa. That's rad.

Oh, yeah, good. I like that. More islands should get mutations. Yes. Holy shit, the continent of Australia can now become the sea. So then Cyclops escapes and he's like, help me, Xavier. And Xavier's like,

I'll get a new team. And so he gets Thunderbird, Sunfire, Wolverine, Storm... There's a mutant called Thunderbird? He dies. That cut his strings, he falls into the ocean. Pretty much he dies on a plane crash. Anyway, he dies. So they get that team and they go and they rescue the original team

and everything's hunky-dory. Thunderbird dies and they're like, oh, how sad, Thunderbird. I'm pretty sad. I was really excited. He's like the very first Native American and he's dead now. Oh, man. He's Native American as well?

That's what this guy rules. That's right. That guy rules. That's still an episode of Thunderbirds. So that was sort of the progression of the X team. You get the original team, and then you all knew all different X team came along. Okay. But there was a secret hidden team in between those two teams that only recently, in like the last 10 years, was sort of found out where Scott came back. He's like, oh, my God, the mutant island.

Help, help, help. And Moira McTaggart's like, oh, oh shit I've got a bunch of mutants that have been training let's get them they've got Darwin, Vulcan, a couple of others I forget and then they're like oh Vulcan hey this is Scott Summers he's your brother and he's like shit I've got a brother how great

cool let's go to Krakatoa and let's get some shit done and they go and they all get murdered by the island. They all just die. Scott Summers somehow gets back again because he's lucky. Maybe Scott Summers is the problem. Wait, Darwin dies as well? Yeah.

How does Darwin... His power is literally like... Again, I'll get to this. I'm sorry. So he comes back and he's like, oh my God, this straw does hell. They killed my brother. And so then Xavier's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mind wipe. Mind wipe this completely. You didn't, this didn't happen at all. Just makes everyone forget about it. And then, like, implants this sort of memory that they just went to the island, the island was sent in and was able to speak, even though it wasn't able to speak.

It was just this sort of thing going on base impulse, like, um, you know, like, base urges, like, screaming, going to kill and murder. And then eventually, because Darwin did survive... Hey, one point. Yeah, he sort of, like, wraps himself around Vulcan, and then Vulcan comes back, and he's, like, kills Banshee at one point.

But reveals all of Magneto's secrets. And Vulcan's not Havoc. So he's two brothers. Yeah. Two brothers, is that right? The third's someone's secrets. And Vulcan's not Havoc. So he's two brothers. Yeah. Two brothers, is that right? The third's someone's brother. Okay, nice. So basically he covered up a whole dead team of X-Men.

Yeah, like I was going to say, imagine, you know, here I am, aye-aye. But he didn't cover up Thunderbird, which means, like, why did he let some people remember some deaths and not other deaths? Was he like, did everyone hate Thunderbird? Was he like, what the hell? Hey, guys, that asshole Thunderbird's dead. Sick.

No, but like, okay, so imagine, here I am, I'm I, I'm at the, I'm at the,

at the mansion, and James, another mutant, mutant with me, and he's got, I don't know, wooden arms and legs. Wooden arms and legs.

Wait. You can float real good. I can do that now. I'll do that. No, like wooden arms and legs. Mahogany boy. Let's legs. Mahogany boy. Let's bring back mahogany boy.

You can turn shit into mahogany. Great. There you go. Pretty sick. And we're having a good time. Sadly, though, you've got wooden arms and legs. And then one day I come into our dorm and into our room, and there's just his side of the room, and it's all made up,

and it's like he just never was. And I'm like, what's that about? And then i completely forget about him because he died on some mission and magneto's just like oh no didn't exist xavier xavier xavier xavier and i'm like uh xavier is there another guy in my room with me i don't know who you're talking about you you've lived your whole whole time here just be like i think it's been pretty selfish of you keeping a room to yourself what's mahogany just like just

once out of the room is all mahogany and that seems odd I guess I mean you've got the good room what could I say I mean we should

pair you up with someone look through my files and then I'm like no never mind I don't know why I came in here Saviour Charles And then I'm like, no, never mind. I don't know why I came in here, Magnus. Savior! Charles!

If you keep calling him Magnus, he will probably be back. He's got a history of mental blocks. Like in the movies, he does it to Jean Grey. Yeah. Instead of training her, he's like, I'm just going to seal off that part of your mind. I just hope that never backfires and you turn me to dust. Yes.

Which happens. It does happen, yes. It's okay. I'll be reborn in my brother who you me to dust. Yes. Which happens. It does happen, yes. It's okay. I'll be reborn in my brother who you briefly sort of met at the end credits. If you're following the new sort of current run of X-Men, Beast brings the original X-Men into the future. Okay. And Jean Grey, like, develops this new power,

so she can kind of, like, strike out with psionic energy or whatever, like something that she's never shown before and this it's really strongly hinted that xavier knew about it and just stopped her doing this i love that xavier's like like a psychiatrist that you come in and you're like this really terrible thing happened to me and instead of helping you out he's just like i'm repressing that no it didn't exactly um it could unlock unlock Wolverine's mind surely like if he wanted to oh oh we're talking about Wolverine now alright so

Wolverine alright jerk moment so Wolverine we all know Wolverine's character who doesn't the boy from Oz boy from Oz

brainwashed from department H or whatever for the Weapon X program he was sent to kill Xavier at one point so when Xavier

was like after the Crackertail mission or whatever he's like Wolverine you know recruit you but they actually program he was sent to kill xavier at one point so when xavier was like after the cracker tower mission whatever there's like uh you know recruit you um but they actually met before then when wolverine came out to assassinate xavier yeah it's not a great assassin just straight off the bat like no he's a very good assassin but xavier makes wolverine getting close and then stops him and he's like all right cool i know you sent me to kill me, but I'm going to brainwash you back so that I'm going to implant this sort of like notion that when you hear X. Like Inception with brainwashing.

Yeah. You're like, when you hear X, X-Men, you relate that to X-Men. You'll eventually want to join the X-Men. Because I, in his own words, I need a weapon. So he basically recruits Wolverine to sort of be his personal assassin to do his own sort of bullshit. Jesus Christ. What a jerk.

And this guy is running a school for children. And of course, there's, oh, what was the name? Living computer, Sage, who was like, he implanted her in the Hellfire Club as like the long con like she was like one of his first students and then he put her into the hellfire club as like this sort of you know to infiltrate that as this giant long con to try and get intel and i think she was very young at the time and everyone was like you know she was put you know the hellfire club's fucked up yeah like it's hectic as hell yeah the whole thing is like their costumes just like a lingerie yeah sexy

time parties. And he's putting this young person who came to him with, I've got this mutant ability, help me. I don't know where you could go. It's kind of like Xavier's like, look, I'm going to need to fight my brother for one at some point. And a whole bunch of other people, people who are like mutants. You know who's easy to brainwash?

Children. other people, people who like mutants. You know who's easy to brainwash? Children. How could I just get like loads of kids and make them fight for me? What if I pretend I have a school? What if I pretend like I'm real,

like I give a fuck about their powers and training them up? That'll protect me good. And he did try to strangle his twin sister in the womb. Well, you can't blame it for in the womb. Come on. But then he sort of sensed that his twin was evil as a fetus and tried to strangle, well, did strangle her.

So that's kind of odd. How can a fetus be evil? That's the word. Put that out there. Just another jerk move xavier did so would we join the brotherhood like if we compare magnates to old charlie charles yeah because he seems like he cares and protects me i'm not always but magneto is charles is just flat out like i just don't even understand how the comic even tries to paint Charles Xavier as a good guy anymore it's the same way like the moment anything goes wrong with Jean Grey

it's like she's either about to turn evil or a good guy is evil because when Charles turns evil first point of call is like I'm going to fuck up Jean Grey he wanted to recruit her I'll give him that just like the moment Jean Grey something bad is happening to Jean Grey,

it just means a good guy is going bad. Yep, that's how it goes down. I feel like Cyclops should run the school because he seems like a pretty solid kind of guy. He won't get in your mind. But he tried doing that recently, but he's turned into this little, like, revolutionary mutant terrorist. Cyclops always felt like he had Asperger's to me.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, not that that's a problem, but I just mean he always felt like he's Asperger's to me like you know what I mean like not that that's a problem but I just mean he always felt like he's got the idea of what the rules are and he's just gonna

stick to them well yeah that's like just spite all just before Days of Future Past like in like not in the comic book run yeah

because I know I talk about the movie a lot but yeah in the comic book run he was just like found out Charles did these bad things instead of trying to fix it I'm just fucking off

not for me anymore that's too much for me. I just can't deal with that. No, thank you. Literally, that's what happens. There's an entire issue where it's just like, here's a list of things. Here's a list of terms

Charles Xavier upset me. Yeah. I'm going. He's just always got that kind of blank slate. Like maybe he doesn't understand your facial expressions. You're like,

hey, Cyclops, I'm really mad at you. And he's like, why? I don't know what's going on. I'm reading Onslaught again. You're wearing glasses. I'm wearing glasses. There's nothing.

Nothing. No back and forth. Everyone's a shade of red. Yeah. That must mess with you, though. That would. That happened with the Red Hood. That broke his mind.

That was one of the things that turned the joke over. Yeah, because he's seeing everything as red. Yeah. That means, lucky he has Asperger's, I guess. It's a blessing. Because this is one bit where he goes into Charles, knocks on Charles Xavier's thing, and this is when Charles is in that split personality where he's about to turn and reveal he's about to be onslaught.

And he just basically just calls out Cyclops for being a shit student and a shit leader, and he's about to be onslaught. And he just basically just calls out Cyclops for being a shit student and a shit leader. And he's just like, you're shit. You're just all kinds of shit. I failed as a teacher, as a mentor, as a father figure. You're just a piece of shit, Cyclops. So I'm going to prepare you for whatever comes next. Please help me. And then he just

disappears. And Scott's like, hmm. Charles Xavier can disappear? Maybe this was a test stop the story for a second it was like a psychic projection oh i guess it wasn't like charles was like i put on the one ring and i'm fucking out so like blocks so he couldn't be seen and then just rolled out i should have said that paddle i'm just rolling looking back i like to imagine looking back I like to imagine looking back

and like hits the door frame so he's like has to reverse up a bit and then go out but what sort of there would be another reveal where more

more recent issues they're sort of being like look at all the fucked up shit Xavier's done he should be a bad guy but then he's too powerful as a bad guy he was a bad guy

he's on slot but like permanently yeah he should have been I reckon the reason Magneto's mad is because he's like, my power's not as good. Yeah, he's like, I can control metal. I can control metal, but like I can't brainwash kids, so.

I kind of got the fucking shitty end of the stick there. So he died. He's like the Holocaust as well. He's a shit time the whole time. He's more understandably why he's like, you know, has a bit of a gripe with humanity. Yeah, I get it. It's like, fair enough. Charles is like, I came from a middle to upper well, upper class family because look at my

fucking house. I was rich and I guess I'm pretty entitled to everyone come live in my mansion. Never leave the school dates. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, this was a recent issue. Xavier's dead now. Cyclops killed him. Sad times.

It was the Phoenix Force. And they read out his will and he's like, before I... I married Mystique, by the way. Anyway, before that we get to that, there's this mutant who I just stopped him being a mutant because his mutant powers

are just too big. So he's probably going to destroy the world. While I've been alive I've been like stopping him from doing that so good luck. Just some new mutant that sort of appeared up and he kind of just destroys everything

without meaning to. Like he killed his parents when he first saw it happen. There's some comic issue, I could not tell you, I think it's in the Ultimates where Xavier, there's some kid who's just like this 12-year-old boy

and he's just hanging out and he asks his girl to prom and then the next panelist is just like this destroyed town and then Wolverine is sent to go and just kill him because he's like that dangerous a mutant. Which I'm sure was Xavier's idea.

Xavier's probably there like just, I don't know, sitting there reading a playboy. Oh, Wolverine. I have a mission for you. This man releases deadly gas balls from his skin. I don't know how to contain it. So can you do that thing that you're the best you're at?

I think he'd just be like, so Wolverine, just get down there and introduce him, sort him out, Wolverine gets there, and the kid's like, I killed everyone, Wolverine. He's like, you son of a bitch, Xavier. You sent me here to kill him. You piece of shit.

Fine! God damn it. He still does it. He takes him into a cave, and the kid accepts his death pretty willingly. It's an odd issue. Yeah, it's super strange. And yeah, something similar recently, and so this guy, like,

Shield go in to try and take him down. And this kid can, like, read thoughts and just restructure reality. He's the kid from The Twilight Zone. Yeah. It's basically like that. And that episode of The Simpsons. And that episode of The Simpsons. Yeah.

And so he kills, like, Exodus. He kills S.H.I.E.L.D. He kills, like, accidentally kills Magic orH.I.E.L.D., he kills accidentally kills Magic or... Magic Johnson? No, not Magic Johnson! Except what AIDS couldn't. Eliana Rasputin. S.H.I.E.L.D. attack and they kill Cyclops and Magic

and then the kid teleports to the mansion and then accidentally kills Emma Frost when she goes to punch him for killing Cyclops. magic and then like the kid like teleports the the mansion and then it sort of accidentally kills emma frost when she goes to punch him for like killing cyclops and so this other other girl who sort of was cyclops's student just goes back in time grabs xavier from the past and he's like uh help he's like oh shit grabs him and then they're like shows situations like you're dead and everything's turned to shit because you did this to this mutant, so what are we going to do to fix it? And he's like, take me back in time to when those parents met.

Good. You never met. Good. That student was never born. Good. Success. Take me back to my time. Takes her back to his time.

He's like, now what? I'll just erase my own memory because I think I've done it before. Maybe. Boop, boop, boop. Myself, everything's good. I'm going to read a book again. Open up that issue of playbook. This is good for me. Liking this. No wheelchair

on her. Isn't that selfish though to change the entire time stream to save a couple of people? Well, yeah. Not a couple. There was a town. A town, a couple of people. Well, yeah, exactly. A body. I feel like he's making calls that it should be a committee's decision at the very least.

Yeah. Or at least another guy. Where he's like, what do you think? And he's like, well, you know. Well, they tried that with the committee. That's a bit much. And then they end up shooting Hulk into space because he's part of the Illuminati. To be fair, shooting Hulk into space

is a good way to solve the Hulk problem. That's pretty reasonable. I know, but like, World War Hulk, like, what are the chances? If I was on that committee and they're like, what are we gonna do about the Hulk? And somebody's like, space? I would be like,

yes, aye. you have my vote for that that's not here space is big guys what are the chances of finding a planet it worked really well until like a time bomb went off in the hulk containment spaceship thing which destroyed the hulk's planet which made made Hulk go you ruined ship why did that happen again? because nobody checked for time bombs if I'd been on the committee I would have been like he's in there? check for time bombs

basically the reason why because Hulk comes back angry so angry is because he finally found this world where he was fitting in really well and then the ship blew up which caused the planet to blow up what happened there guys comics rule i don't remember

is that in world war hulk or is that the one that's oh no because world war hulk then planet hulk this is planet hulk because yeah oh yeah planet hulk then world war hulk yeah yeah my favorite thing about like comics like that is that clearly, in the comics now Hulk is just like whatever again Hulk is now Doc Green and he's a genius See, they have that point where they must be like sorry about all that, that was crazy wasn't it

Like when it's all revealed that Professor Xavier was on S.L.O.R.T he comes back and he's like, that was nuts It's sort of like, anyway business as usual It works for everyone that isn't Hank Pym. Because Hank Pym is like,

I'm Ant-Man or whatever, or Giant-Man. Then he beats his wife, and everyone's like, you beat your wife? It's like, no, no, I'm Yellowjacket. No, you still beat your wife. I don't know if you just calling yourself Yellowjacket's gonna change that. I'm Ant-Man. We still remember that you beat your wife.

He even started a committee against domestic violence and what, like you started a foundation. The first name that I read, I'm like, yeah, but you're only, you can't, you can't.

Like, if you'd never beat your wife, this would be altruistic. But you beat your wife. Yeah, I mean, sure, look, Jean Grey was possessed by the Phoenix Force,

ate a planet, destroyed billions. But whatever, we forgive her. She's Jean Grey. It was the Phoenix taking on the persona of Jean Grey. Ada Planet destroyed billions. But whatever, we forgive her. She's just right there. It was the phoenix taking on the persona of Jean Grey. It wasn't Jean Grey.

Like if you're in the mansion to bring up stuff like that. Like if I, as I was just like sitting in the cafeteria, I'm like, Professor Xavier was like a bad guy last month. They'd be like, shut up. No, he's all right. You can hear us don't. Don't even know. That wasn't me.

That was Magneto me, kind of. Shut up. I'm going to go pee in there. I like that Professor Xavier feels like he has to explain it to me. He's not just going to boop boop it away. He's just going to wheelie. No, no. I was kind of Magneto. So look, it was my personality and Magneto's personality merged as a

third thing I don't care I got the photos I feel like Charles Xavier would be the type of person to explain his actions by being like but Jean Grey ain't a planet she's like

I was possessed by a firebird you bitch I hate this school She's like holding a tray She's like I was possessed by a firebird You bitch I'm like I hate this school What happened to mahogany boys I want no one to talk about mahogany boys I also imagine like Cyclops While Jean and Charles are arguing About like who is more horrible

Cyclops will roll in and sort of jump in the argument Like yeah remember that time I did Shut up Cyclops no one gives a shit You jump in the argument like, yeah, remember that time I did the- Shut up, Cyclops! No one gives a shit! You're like, yeah, you were Apocalypse at one stage. Like, yes, I was. That is a thing. And Wolverine's like, that's fucked up. He's like, you were, like, the personification of death at one stage. You also paired up with Apocalypse.

School's fucked. I'm putting shit on the table. Gambit and fucking polaris and sunshine have like little stalls in the corridor i'm selling bracelets that say like w h t m b like what happened to

mahogany join the fight people coming up to you like who's mahogany boy you're like i can't remember i know he's somebody like look around you look at all these tables.

I have like a shirt that he wore once and it's mine. Explain this. I'm getting a name. Darren. Daryl. I don't know anymore. You suddenly go mad and nobody steps in. Nobody helps me.

Xavier's just like, so sad. When his student goes crazy. Poor, aye, aye. Just like, Xavier, you remember how Mahogany Boy, there was none. Wheeling away real fast. Mahogany wheelchair. Something's going on.

It's kind of fucked that the school like everyone that's still in the school like at some point has just massacred someone pretty much

like there's just been like everyone's turned evil for a bit yeah I'm trying to think how many went over to Apocalypse because you got Gambit

when he became death at one point everybody's had a go at being Sunfire was like war or something and Polaris who's like Magneto's daughter she was like War or something and Polaris who's like also

like Magneto's daughter she was like the one with green hair anyway ah the other daughter the other daughter with magnet powers um

she also she played Famine maybe Famine's a cool mutant game yeah what's her power well she can control

metal like metal but like Famine is you know the four horse apocalypse oh right yeah I thought you meant like yeah so she's like Famine would be a cool mutant like to be able She can control metal, but famine is... You know the four-horse apocalypse? Oh, right. The four-horse apocalypse. Yeah.

I thought you meant like... Yeah. Famine would be a cool mutant to be able to be like... Yeah, and make you real hungry. Yeah, that's basically what they do. Man, I'm famished. Famished. Power works well. Oh, I could go on burger.

You can't make him starve, just super hungry. Like Wolverine became death because he got kidnapped impersonated by a Skrull which was another fucking weird thing that Xavier

did there cause like Wolverine dies or like the Skrull Wolverine dies and Xavier Skrull Lorraine yeah

and like Xavier does this weird thing where he's like one of you is an evil son of a bitch let's play you these mind games with everyone, like pits everyone against everyone, while him and Beast just go do an autopsy on Wolverine.

Because he's like, one of you is a Skrull. Who is it? Why can't I just read their mind? Yeah, I know. Why can't he read one where he's like, I'm a Skrull, I'm a Skrull, I'm a Skrull. God, I hope Charles is not reading this. None of them are.

It was Wolverine. And they find this out on the operating table And it's like you just put like Your students through hell Because of this and that's not the first time he's done that I just feel like he could ask There was like another time Hands up if you're a Skrull But see some of the Skrulls don't know they're Skrulls

Which is an issue They're sleeper agents People who are Skrulls don't know they're Skrulls, which is an issue. Oh, no. They're sleeper agents. People who are Skrulls say what? Yeah. Some Skrulls that are Skrulls don't know they're Skrulls. Yeah, so did Wolverine Skrull know he was a Skrull? No. How do they find out?

What makes a Skrull different in an autopsy? He turns back into a Skrull. Ah, okay. I think. It's like an odd thing to do, to be like, look, this guy fights for good, clearly. Let's brainwash one of our guys to think that he also fights for good oh shit there's two Wolverines

it was an odd time in comics if there is a Skrull that's like I'm Wolverine and have the powers of Wolverine why wouldn't Charles be like boop boop boop you don't remember you're a Skrull you're now a good guy like we've got two Wolverines now let's double up

that sort of happened to um I'm surprised that Xavier had nothing to do with this one We've got two Wolverines now. Let's double up. That sort of happened to... I'm surprised that Xavier had nothing to do with this one. But this Prometheus... I think his name was Prometheus. Moira's kid who could possess stuff. Okay. It was during an Exiles run

and this guy was possessing mutants and he would just burn them out. Yeah. And so he eventually possesses Morph. Morph's the worst. I used to say that. Morph's the worst. Yeah, he possesses Morph.

That's a casual response. It's like, oh, who's coming to the party tonight? You're like, oh, Wolverine, Morph. Oh, Morph. Morph's the worst. That son of a bitch. So he possesses Morph, and then they sort of get someone in to brainwash him

to think that he is Morph so that he just pretends and he becomes that person. And everyone's got to be like, yeah, you're part of the team, buddy. Knowing that they killed a lot of their friends. How do you even just stay sane being an X-Man? I'd see if I could join the Avengers. Or Canadian X-Men. Yeah, have these problems but they die a lot yeah i think most of their problems start when because wolverine joins him at some point doesn't he well i'll fly east that's where he started and they're like come to america and they're like give us back wolverine they're

like no he's an x-man he's like no he's canadian he's like no he's out they're like fight it out and they fight it out good guys should stop fighting each other in comics. I think that's also an issue. No, it's metal. It's safer. It is safer. It's safer. Like fucking Avengers versus fucking X-Men.

I'm sure that's happened at least 800 times. ABX, yes, it did. At least 800 times. That was a Phoenix problem again. How can you be like, hey, we're good guys. Like, is it like, we're good guys? No,'m like we're good guys. No we're the good guys let's fight. Now none of you are good guys. They sort of are a bit

they fight first. They sort of you know shoot first questions later kind of thing. Awful. There's always a misunderstanding and then they. Sorry we murdered half of your team. I'd try and leave like aye aye. I'd be like on the quest to find out what happened to Mahogany Boy but I'd try and leave. Like, aye-aye? Like, I'd be, like, on the quest to find out what happened to Mahogany Boy,

but I'd just leave the mansion. Like, I couldn't say I wouldn't. Well, as a caveat, I might fake my own death again, and so you kind of, like, rack with guilt so you end up staying. Oh, that's actually a funny thing,

because, like, Charles faking his own death, that issue that I was talking about where Cyclops is like, fuck this, I've had enough. Cyclops recounts three times where Charles did that like faked his own death the comic book to get away from his problems the comic book actually

acknowledges like charles does that too much one problem with fake there was this character called in the changeling which might actually be like the 616 version of Morph from memory. Okie doke. Fucking Morph. Changelings the worst. Who texted Morph? I hit reply or I read send to all. Oh no! Now Morph's gonna turn up with his carob chocolate and diet coke. That son of a bitch. Diet LA ice. You're like, Morph!

You're too poor! Stop it. Bring some Cadbury. Don't bring anything at all. Now we feel Bring some Cadbury. Come on. Oh, don't bring anything at all. Now we feel obliged more. So he shuts himself away in this sort of room to like prevent

this alien race from attacking called the Xenox. And then he's like Changeling. He's like, Changeling comes and he's like, look, Professor X, I'm gonna, I have like six months to live. I've got like cancer maybe? And he's like, I've got the perfect idea for you. Pretend to be me for a bit because I need to go away here. You just go over there.

Good, good, good. And Changeling dies protecting them somehow. So everyone thinks that Xavier's dead and starts mourning. But Jean Grey knows this because he's like let Jean Grey in. Fucking Jean Grey. So Jean Grey's got to kick off the room. He's like, like yeah Xavier's dead And then he's like when he stops and he

Comes out from this room he's like It's me surprise everybody I'm not dead He's done that Like the amount of times Xavier must come out and be like Just wheel himself out of his office I wasn't dead There's the time he faked his own powers

He faked losing his powers that also comes up in the Cyclops so yeah the original X-Men it was like their final test to become X-Men and he's like I can't control you with my mind or I can't

coordinate you so you rode your own and if you read that comic and think that if they had fucked up there's a lot of civilian casualties that might have happened it's a big big risk and then at the end he's like I was faking it the whole time but you are X-Men

and he smokes his pipe and just smiles to the camera honestly I think if I was Wolverine and Charles was like surprise I'm alive I'd just walk up and stab him in the head not anymore though at least Wolverine owns like being a terrible person yeah he's very upfront

and remorseful Professor X is just burning villages and being kind of what he's like burning whole continents and being like secret wasn't one yeah I'm a fucking I mean okay I'm just gonna fucking write an issue of X-Men right now yeah with words so I guess I'm not really writing it.

Saying it. Word writing. Word writing, if you will. All right, let's make Professor X turn evil again. He's going to call himself Ozymandias. Done. But not to be... Oh, I guess you can't do that.

You already have Ozymandias. You already... Like, that was Apocalypse's lackey who's made of stone. No, but I want him to be like... Comics are killing me, guys. But, like, the fucking poem. I want him to recite that. I'm sure he has at one point. me, guys. The fucking poem. I want him to recite that. I'm sure he has at one point.

Undoubtedly. But yeah, like, Xavier does a lot of things in secret. There's something that was called the Xavier Protocols. Oh, God. It just gets, like, worse and worse. Like, what's a good thing he's done?

We'll get... We probably need, like, a pro. He dresses well. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he's got good fashion sense. Very clean head. Yeah. Like he doesn't have like a stubbly head.

That's all right. How does he shower? Does he have a guy? He'd have like a wheeling thing. Like a little ramp. Oh, yeah. I feel like it'd be like a car wash. Maybe he'd get one of his mutants to just, you know, telekinesis him into a shower.

I don't want to be the shower guy. He's like, look, you're going to be the ground force. You're going to be in the air. What about me? You're going to have a special mission for you. Your bathroom. It involves my filth. So there's the Xavier Protocols,

and they're basically just a whole database on how to kill every mutant, including the ones that have been trained. I'm in such trouble for having one of those. Yeah, that's what Xavier has. Is everyone cool with it? No, no one is. I'm not. I poke his eyes out.

Strangle him. It was all to be, like, who was in the room at the same time, and it was this weird thing. It's like the computer detects sort of, like, Jean Grey and Cyclops in the room at the same time. And it was this weird thing. It's like the computer detects sort of like Jean Grey and Cyclops in the room. That means that if you want to kill Wolverine, you have to do this. Oh, I'm detecting this person. So to kill this, you have to do this. And it just got like he's just basically built a database on the strengths and weaknesses of all his.

Why? I want to say students, but i don't know if there are students prisoners prisoners prisoners prisoners well what's he got the cult leader and his cultists cultists acolytes acolytes followers because acolytes makes it sound a bit too like fantasy regal also magneto has his acolytes yeah magneto is so much less of a cult leader magneto's like are they gonna say Magneto is so much less of a cunt and I was like yeah. Oh yeah that too. He's like look the human beings

like genuinely dislike us. Let's not be like the Uncle Tom of mutants and like you know do what they want for us and try and play up to their ideals. No we're our own people. Let's get a cunt. And you know Magneto isn't gonna mind control you to be on your side. I feel like if I was like, hey, I'm aye-aye.

Xavier disappeared mahogany boy. I'm on a quest to find out why. I think he might be his new bathroom boy. Mahogany boy? I loved him. He made me a mahogany table and this helmet. Everybody's got something mahoganyed by mahogany boy. And I'm like, yeah, yeah look can i join the brotherhood he'd be like yeah and then if i did it for a bit i was like look the same for me i'm sure he'd let

me go he probably would he probably like you're not really useful to me you just got little use in your eye sockets there's not i get a guy i keep toad around because he's funny but you well i guess with the brother because there's absolutely no mind control going on, if someone's like, I'm not on board with this, there's no point for Magneto to be like, ha ha, you're stuck here, because once you've got a mutant that kind of hates you and your team, you know that something bad's going to happen to you,

and it's on you, you should have just let them leave. Exactly. I think we've proved fairly without a doubt. He's a bit of a jerk. The saviour, he's more than a jerk. He's a monster. Like he's the worst kind of human being. Even as a good guy, he is far more villainous than most of the villains. Sure, he doesn't want to steal a comet

and crash it into Earth or something dumb. I bet he does. Actually, no. You know what? I'm not confident. I withdraw my statement. If I had the power, I would. You don't know me.

It's just like in his office looking out the window being like, I wish I could mind control comets. What if I boop, boop, boop. What are you thinking about, Bob? Does the comet have a mind I can? Space, mostly. No. What if I mind controlled gladiators?

That could work. What about over the living planet? I could summon him into this. So, yeah, monster. Has he done anything good? But has he? Nope. None?

Anything good? Can you go to the school and be like, I just want to work in finance? Like, do you have to wear a leather outfit? Can you be like, listen, I'm just going to do my six years and I'm going to go. Look, leather was a six-month thing. I'm back into the spandex. So you don't have to wear leather if you don't want spandex. If you're caught without a uniform, is that like 50-horse shingles?

Also, he's like, you know, how my name's Scott Summers. No, it's Cyclops. That's me. Jackson Bailey. Hey, aye, aye. You're like, no. Hi, my name's Kitty Pryde. You're Sprite now, but actually probably just Kitty Pryde. Nah, Kitty Pryde. She changes her own name like three times. Oh, wait, no. Hi, my name's Kitty Pryde. You're Sprite now, but actually probably just Kitty Pryde.

Nah, Kitty Pryde. She changes her own name like three times. Oh, wait, no, she picks Sprite. That's on her. Yeah. She picks Sprite. She ends up wearing like roller blade. No, roller skates at one point.

She went through an odd phase. It's sort of like the comic book writers like, how do we ride a 13-year-old girl? Constantly changing her mind and changing costumes. Yes. Plus roller blades. Plus roller blades. Book writer's like, how do we write a 13-year-old girl? Constantly changing her mind and changing costumes, yes. Plus rollerblades. Plus rollerblades. Yeah, so he's kind of...

He's kind of not a good man. Yeah. But he's kind of so tangled in his web of lies that nobody's ever going to find out and do anything about it. Because all of his people in his inner circle are pretty much equally as terrible. Like, Jean Grey is not a good person either. Phoenix Force or no.

Regardless, yeah. Not her fault, guys. Again, it was the Phoenix taking on... I will blame Jean Grey. That was the Phoenix taking the personification of Jean Grey and making a new body that wasn't actually hers. She could stop coming back. Should Beast be principal?

No, because he's ruined the time space continuum Bloody hell, Beast He just How? He got a time machine and he bought the original five X-Men when they were still, like, just had gone to

Xavier's into the future now That's not good That's on him Cyclops? And Beast keeps experimenting on himself the future now. That's not good. That's on him. Cyclops? And Beast keeps experimenting on himself. Yeah, he does. He always ends up worse. Like every time. Like, I'm going to become a grey. Now I'm blue.

Now I'm a cat man. And now I'm an aperman. What is going on? It's an odd thing. So Beast, no, I wouldn't. Cyclops? What about Cyclops? He was good until the whole AVX thing happened and then he's sort of becoming a revolutionary. Even without that comic book,

that seems like a logical extension of what Cyclops is like because he's so by the rules. Eventually. But also he was possessed by Apocalypse and I think that still has a little bit of lasting damage. Angel? That's rattling around in there. Angel.

Apocalypse still just can't get out there. Angel. Let's see. Angel, again, was possessed by Apocalypse. He went evil, was new Apocalypse, made the Apocalypse win. Iceman. Iceman is a good... Bangs too many of the students. Yeah, I guess that's true. What about, like, a regular school principal?

Oh, my God, yes. At the moment, Storm is sort of Okay, yeah But like sort of Spider-Man comes in As sort of a guidance counsellor And she is super racist to Spider-Man Because he's not a mutant It's the weirdest thing

Really? It's odd It's very odd They're like, you're not a mutant Go away Do it without problem I would not I guess Spider-Man has

No, I wouldn't have chosen him. Plus, he's got New York to look after. Yeah, who's looking after New York? What about the principal from Ferris Bueller? He does go to extreme measures. Yeah, but like... To make sure that his students are in school. It's still in school.

Nobody's playing hooky at like... Fuck, what's his name? In real life, he was caught with child pornography. I was going to say, in real life, he was caught with child pornography. Ed Rooney is his name. Ed Rooney. Ed Rooney's school for gifted mutants. I'm not saying that's better than being Professor Xavier.

I'm not saying it's not. But, you know, yeah, we don't know. Xavier might have wiped his own mind when that happened. Honestly, I think we're going down a... This is on me? We've gone down a path that I don't want to go down? And I think we've going down a... This is on me? We've gone down a path that I don't want to go down? And I think we've already

pretty much... Turn around and go back. We've answered our question. Is Xavier a jerk? Yes. Yes. Is he a monster? Yes.

Is he worse than Magneto? Yes. Yes. Yes. Have we been rooting for the wrong team this whole time? Yes, we have.

We have. Well, not us because we knew. We're clever boys. Yeah. We because we knew. We're clever boys. Yeah. We clued in. We're like, hey, mahogany boy. What happened to mahogany boy? Be the change.

Hashtag W-H-T-M-B. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been James. And if you think Xavier isn't a jerk, please let us know because you've got a lot of convincing to do.

Yeah, if your argument can somehow top all this, oh, my God. In a tweet. You've got 140 characters. Go. Yeah, go. Hashtag where is Mahogany Boy. Go. Yeah, go.

Hashtag where is Mahogany Boy. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.