Plumbing the Death Star - Joel Duscher Agent of Shield 2

Episode Date: October 1, 2017

In which our heroes return to their roots, put Joel Duscher on the spot, and once again irrevocably damage the Marvel Universe as we experience: Joel Duscher Agent of Shield 2.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Only three sleeps until your birthday. Welcome, everybody, to the 200th episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Where we ask the important questions like- Ultron's attacking the city! Bleh! Bleh! What? Ultron's attacking the city. Think he could be a better Nick Fury again? Ah!

Like last time, remember? Like episode 8? Yeah, alright. You and Nick Fury for for a bit all right i can still do it Robots are going like World is housing now Nick Fury has hightailed it Nowhere to be seen Shield's best boy Has come into the Halley character Raise his hand

Welcome to the Halley character son It's quite a character We call him Frank! Howly Character Frank. And you're like, hey boys, it's me, Joe Disher, I can be a shield man. And they're all like, you're hired. And that's you. I just need to quickly paint a picture.

Because pretty much, I started to introduce an episode, and then you both just started yelling at me. So I got into character real quickly, because I feel like that's exactly what would have just happened. Um, yeah, I reckon I can do it. So Ultron's... so stipulations, I guess, is that Ultron's taken over... So yeah, it's Age of Ultron. Slovankia? Slovakia?

Valenskia? Veronica? Valencia? The Veronicas. Fuck, Veronica's reference, that's good. That is good. It's one. Fuck, Veronica's reference. That's good. That is good.

It's one of them fake places. Oh, God, I hope it's not real. Imagine if you just made... Yeah, because that's like making a movie about, like, dropping Australia on a place. I'd be like, why? That's rude. It's a place that Dr. Doom owns, yeah? No, that's Latvia.

That's a real place, yeah? No. You can be Latvian. In the comic books, you can? No, that's Latvia. That's a real place, yeah? No. You can be Latvian. In the comic books you can. No, wait. Latvia's a fucking place. Don't look me in the goddamn eye and tell me Latvia's not a place. I'm like, I think it either is a place

or it sounds very much like a place that exists. Latvia is 100% a place and not just the place where Doctor Doom rules with an iron beard. Yeah, it's a country in Europe. Yeah. So then what the fuck does Doctor Doom own? Latvia.

No, that can't be right. No, no, he owns Latvia. Latvians annoy that they are ruled by Doctor Doom in Marvel comics. That doesn't seem fair. That's like being, I don't know, Doc Ock, he rules Australia. Sokovia is the name of the place. Yeah, but Latveria is what is owned by Dr. Ocky. Ah, that makes more sense.

What? You know what? Never mind. Kolovia? Sokovia. Sokovia. Veronicas. The Veronicas.

The Veronicas. So yeah, robots have taken over the Veronicas. And they're going to drop that country onto the world. I feel like should we rewind a bit or am I just being given the current Avengers team? No, no, we can rewind. We can rewind. How about rather than the fact that, I mean, I feel like it's rude for me to make my own

rules here to then prove that I can do it because. It seems a bit like cheating, but that's fine. Yeah. I mean like just rewind it a bit so that Ultron hasn't quite lifted a city into the sky yet. Yeah, that gives you very little time to work with. Because I can tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to park my helicarrier underneath the island

and I'll take one for the team and die. I've said the helicarrier's not going to take... I guess it's going to go through and then just keep going. And, like, with the added weight of the helicarrier is not going to take, I guess it's going to go through and then just keep going. And like with the added weight of the helicarrier, maybe do more damage. I just like to imagine them like back at SHIELD headquarters being like, what happened to the new agent, the new director of SHIELD? Someone's like, is there something about taking something for the team

and just killed himself? And I don't know what he thought was going on. I don't know if he thought he was the problem. But frankly, we're all fucking confused. So we're going to elect a new person. Okay, so you know, I guess, that Tony Stark and your old Avengers team, they've made Ultrons. They're fucking everywhere.

Fuck, it's been so long since I put the team together. I know that I had Nightcrawler. No, I had Kitty Pryde. Yeah, Kitty Pryde. I won't have access to anymore. She was in a box from memories. You made a face of God's heart. Loki's dead.

That's pretty good. That's all right, yeah. But yeah, Kitty Pryde won't answer my calls. No. You got Wolverine. I had Wolverine. I feel like I had a lot of guys. I had a lot of Sentinels

Yeah that's right So um You actually have to Think about it If you go through that trajectory In that plan Where you had a lot of Sentinels I feel Ultron has taken them over

And you're part of the problem I feel like I may have Tony Stark'd myself You know Much like the plot of Age of Ultron How Tony Stark needs to Defeat Ultron

I need to defeat the Sentinels Yeah That have taken So yeah Reed Richards gave need to defeat the Sentinels that have taken So yeah, Reed Richards gave you a lot of Sentinels and unfortunately they got Ultron, so mate, what do you do? You gotta assemble a new team, surely

Surely, alright. Hula Bay, let's talk Alright, so I need to take down Sentinels, so Wolverine's back. Alright. I'm the best I am at what I do. Warrior. Kind of more like a Bronx gangster, but look, yeah. Alright, so you've got Wolverine

in the roster. So Wolverine, again, Sentinels are made to take down mutants, so I know that it seems like an odd choice. I mean, there is that real famous panel from Days of Future Past where there's just a Sentinel looking at Wolverine and they just blast him away till he's nothing, but no, there is that real famous panel from Days of Future Past where there's just a sentinel looking at Wolverine and they just blast

him away till he's nothing. But no, Lively is your first go-to guy. That's good. Get him on the team. You need that. Hulk. Hulk again. Alright. Okay. Crack him out. The thing is, with robots, I might actually, and this is

a dangerous move, but I might ask Reed to join my team. Reed Richards. He probably won't give me his wife again because she was part of my first, you know. Initiative. Yeah. Joel Dush's first initiative. And there's a big failed stamp on it. Well, no, completed.

I mean, yes, but with great cost. It's kind of like how the good guys won World War II. But like, no one likes to talk about how they won. Yeah, not look fair. It wasn't good. It's a dark mark on the history of the, of S.H.I.E.L.D. as an organization. It was also frankly full of hydras of S.H.I.E.L.D. as an organization. Which is also, frankly, full of Hydras. But, like, you got through that unscathed.

Worried about episode three. Does it turn out that I'm a Hydra? Joel Dusha, agent of Hydra. All right, so you got Reed being like... I like that Reed's just like, yeah, all right. So, well, okay, so what do you do with my gift, Dusha? I noticed you've Taken my amazing sentinels and you've

Reed Hey, look My design was perfect Did you get Tony Stark on these again? Because I warned you about it You know Tony Stark will just, he'll Who are you? I'm just Jackson I'm just Jackson.

I'm just Jackson until a role becomes available. He's part of the Fantastic Four. He's our murder consultant. Had to get someone in when... They weren't doing murders. Did you know that? After my wife, I think, died. That brought me on.

I've been a fine addition. I know my place I'm no invisible woman, I get it to quickly pay attention to our listeners so they can understand exactly how this set up is and why it's just so funny I'm sitting at a table by myself with a laptop in front of me so I feel like I am at an office desk

and Jackson and Zamit are both facing me it feels a bit like an interview and I feel like I am at an office desk and Jackson and Zammett are both facing me. It feels a bit like an interview and I feel like I'm doing poorly. Alright, no, let's get serious. Yeah, come on. Reed Richards. I would want him in an army of sentinels, especially since he gave them to me.

Plus, I feel like Reed Richards just wrap around them. Yeah, true. Who? Me? Huh. Whoops. Ah, boy. I don't even remember what I do. Hulk, Wolverine.

I stole them from the government. I stole. Do you want to go six? Because there's six in the film. Yeah, sure. I mean, like. You can get two, like, you know, sneaky ones if you want. Yeah, because there's six.

Well, there's six plus three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, all right, I'm going to be totally honest with you. My fourth edition, based on the events of Age of Ultron, seems like a bad choice. Quicksilver. But he dies. He doesn't dodge bullets.

He dies. Oh, wait. He doesn't dodge bullets because he protects his old mate. So, like... I guess you just don't bring old mate. The Hawkeye's not making this team. You had this look in your eyes like, almost like Jackson, drop the farce. Like, that's ridiculous.

Yeah, Jackson, like, what is this? Scarlet Witch as well, so Wanda. Really? And... There's a lot of hardcore thinking going on there. Thor. Thor. Thor. All right.

Who won't talk to me because I murdered his brother, so I better get someone else. Thor's off the table, mate. Come on. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the last time ended with Kitty Pryde just phasing Loki's heart right out of his damn body. Maybe Thor might be a little bit afraid, to be honest. Yeah.

Look, I'd be like, oh, I'll just call Thor. I'm not going to call Thor. I think maybe they might just close the Asgardian Rainbow Bridge, to be honest. Close that off. Sorry. It's just best. You know, there's someone down there who will order someone else to just fist our God hearts.

It's not great. Just fist them right out of our chests. We don't want any of that. No. I thought that was going to be a throwback to another moment in Plum in the Destiny. It nearly was. It nearly was.

And then we skirted around it. We tastefully avoided the topic. Come on, one more person. You can choose anyone from the whole Marvel roster I know I can see why it became a harder job for Nick Fury Because I put together a team originally Oh, actually, no

I was going to be like Nightcrawler, but he won't help me Who moves Marvel around? Oh, wait, hang on I would think Old Mate Magneto I was always thinking Magneto Yeah, Old Mate Magneto Magneto Sweet, because that was a trap Because Sentinels usually can stop that I was always thinking Magneto. Yeah, Old Maid Magneto. Magneto.

All right. Sweet, because that was a trap, because Sentinels usually can stop that. Gotcha! That's all right. I've got an old man that can't do shit. Where's Professor X? See, he also popped into my mind.

No, I was being Magneto. I wish to fight him. All right, so we just assume... He got a school. All I got was a brotherhood. I got a toad man. That's a shitty trade-off. See what he gets?

He gets a guy with laser beams out of his eyes. Who did I get? Toad. You want to notice something? I ended up with the ugly mutants. Let's talk about that for a damn second. All right. You want to notice something? I ended up with the ugly mutants. Let's talk about that for a damn second. All right.

Bitter Magneto, I'm a fan. He would be bitter. He's lived a life. So we're just assuming all six of these mutants. Well, no, we should probably go through them and talk about how realistic getting them is. Wolverine, he was part of my first task force. Yeah, but your first task force didn't go well. Yes, it did.

We did exactly what I wanted it to do. You're murder consultant before Jackson you know that murder is necessary murder works yeah that's true it definitely worked it just meant that the people that like I made a teenager kill a god yeah so like it's effective and I feel Wolverine might be like well look I am the best there is of what I do yeah if you play on Wolvie Wolvie's like, hey, Wolverine, if you don't do this, you're a loser. Like, yeah. And also Wolverine's basically that kid that in the schoolyard you could trick into eating worms. Yeah.

You know, if you tell Wolverine he can't do something, he's like, fuck you, I'm going to do it. Then he eats the worms. So I reckon Wolverine would be like, hey, Bob.

Don't call him Bob. Straight off the bat, he might leave That's mark one against you I was like yeah Wolverine's in for everything You might have lost Wolverine Hey Bob And he just gets up and leaves

Damn I think that's your opening salvo You haven't got Wolverine What's your I love the idea You haven't got Wolverine. What's your... I love the idea of you at the front of that bar in the Canadian wilderness. You're like, yep, all right. How am I going to do this introduction?

How am I going to do this introduction? What do I say? Do you remember me, Wolverine? Logan, do I call him James? What do I do? Hi there, Wolfie. Hi there. Hey, Bob.

You might just get up, put a cigar out on your head and leave. You've lost Wolverine. Done. Next. Didn't work. Think before you talk. Dusha, what happened to your head?

How'd you get that scar I don't want to talk about it it's just an after effect of the first initiative is Wolverine not coming with us can we talk about that is Wolverine not coming no no no he's busy he's really busy

it's just funny to imagine because I'm imagining this in from first class where like Charles and Magneto walk into the bar and he's just funny to imagine Because I'm imagining this in from first class Where like Charles and Magneto Walk into the bar and he's just like Fuck off I walk into the bar Hey Bob and he's just like Cigar in my head

That's so great to me I was imagining me in the car Watching Wolverine leave And I'm like what? Is he not coming into the car and then you come out later with a burn on your head and I'm like, what the fuck happened in there? He politely declined.

Politely, you say? Politely declined? Alright, well look. Wolverine doesn't want to join the team. That's no one's fault. Bill. Okay, okay. Next on the list. Hulk. How are you getting Hulk? I'm assuming

We'll give you the benefit of the doubt Bruce Banner is hiding out Yeah In the films They got Natasha to come in there And be like calm him down a bit You got no one You've got like maybe Jack

Hey Dusha Hey Jackson We need to go out to the wilderness You've got like maybe Jack. Hey, Dusha. Hey, Jackson, we need to go out to the wilderness. Yep. You got Reed. You got Reed. I'll give you that. I'll be in the car next to you.

It pleases me so much that last time it was like Dusha, Professor Xavier, and Reed. This time it's like Dusha, Reed, and Jackson. I keep imagining me getting up to leave your office to go to the chip machine and asking for coins so I can get chips. Yeah, okay, we're going to the wilderness. Or am I just going into the wilderness? I feel like I said the wilderness, but I think he was just hiding in Spain. The wilderness is also pretty vague. He was hiding in Spain. Was it?

Spain as well. That's a big country. Oh, wait. Ultron opens with that fight, doesn't it? Oh yeah, it does too Yeah, but you don't have Hulk, this isn't Ultron This is Jaldusha Age of Sentinels

That's what's happening here Yeah Where am I going? We're gonna go find It's just in a jeep in the Sahara It's kind of like A real shit boys trip where are we being like since the divorce

so run off with namor so like look it's the namor namor would have been a good choice metal rusts that's true hey the fantastic trio all right boys yeah do you have a midlife crisis Am I able to replace Wolverine with the Human Torch? We can go visit him. No, no. It's his brother. It's weird.

Since the divorce, he's kind of... Things haven't been good. And Ben hates me because I still have yet to cure him, even though I keep promising. And you know what? I can. It's real easy. But I just haven't bothered. I like to call him Ugly Hulk to his face. It's a good one. He's Rock Hulk.

He hates that. Ugly Hulk is weird because it implies real Hulk's beautiful. But it implies he's less beautiful than regular Hulk. If you can't find Hulk, we could probably get Ben Grimm. Ben Grimm, the ever-loving thing.

You know what works with Ben Grimm? You say, if he does this, I'll promise to cure him. That's a great way to get him. He does anything. It's great. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. I don't want to clean the kitchen.

Hey, Ben. I'm so tempted to just yell it's clobbering time. It's job done. Well. Are we just assuming that I can't find- Like, I've driven off into the desert and just can't find Hulk?

I'm assuming you have- Yeah, you have the full disposal of shields. Give us a dice. All right, so we're going to do this D&D dice, I guess. Highs or lows? All right, 20-sided dice. All right, got 20-sided dice. Highs or lows?

Highs. Highs. 15. You find the Hulk. You find Banner. There he is. And like, you know, probably he's going to be in one of those like shitty metal shacks,

inexplicably full of computers because he's trying to cure himself. Yes. Are we just going to go in? Knock. That's a clever move. Hulk! Oh, sorry, no. Knock.

Bruce! Don't call him Hulk, everyone. Call him Bruce. Hey, butler. Hey, Hulk. Fuck. I like the idea of me being Hey, Bob. Hey, Hulk. Fuck. I don't get the idea of me being like, fuck. Hulk having a cigar, puts it in your head.

Again. And then your whole face is just a burn. Because it's a Hulk-sized cigar. I just remember putting a cigar out of your head and just melting you down to your neck. But then your face is still there, but just pointing up. Yeah, look, how are you going to... All right, I'll be halted.

So I knock on the door. I'm like, in my brain, I'm like, don't call him Bob, don't call him Bob, don't call him Bob. Hello, what's this? I'm Bruce Sabano. Hi, Bruce. I'm Joe Duccio. They found me.

You found me. I've been on the run. I'm Joel Dusha. They found me. You found me? I've been on the run. I know. You weren't. You're making me frustrated and stressed. Hey, bro. Don't call him home. Hey, Bruce.

Hey, Gun. Bruce. Hey, Bill. He's making me frustrated and stressed. I'm sorry. How's the cure going? It's fucking terribly. You need any help?

I'd love it, but I don't know if you'll really give it. Seems like more the kind of thing you'll promise me and nothing will happen. You've been talking to Ben. That's the problem with Ben. Big mouth. Beautiful blue eyes, but big mouth. What do you want? I'm putting together a team.

Right. What am I getting out of it? My good friend Reid here. Yeah. Hey. Really good at science. Yep. Been doing a lot of research into gamma radiation.

Right, Reid? Yes. Yeah, nah, look. Does Hulk believe those lies? Odds are even, Jack. Odds. Oh, one. Yeah, look.

He believes them. Yeah, look, I'll come along with you. That's fine. All right, cool. Do you want the Hulk or me? Both. Oh, want a bit of my brain and the Hulk's brawn. Yeah.

Oh. Reed's brain not good enough, huh? No, I just feel like two genius mean, don't call me Dr. Fantastic You're making me frustrated and stressed Dusha, the Hulk just became the Hulk Hey Hulk, Hulk, chase this car Alright, it's reasonable to assume that Hulk will chase you guys. But, like, do you have people with a net?

What's your plan? You didn't plan this going in. Now I imagine, like, a base. And everyone's just sitting around smoking cigarettes. And they're like, oh, here comes. Oh, my God. Everyone into gear. Surely I call ahead whilst I'm driving.

Whilst Jackson is in the Jeep, he presses the button which turns it into the Fantasta Jeep. You quickly run while Reed holds off the Hulk and gets punched and stretched a bit. You start the car. I quickly jump in. Then we have a Hulk chasing us. Good.

I'm assuming we can catch Hulk in a net down the end of the line. And also, hey, Reed's a net. Yeah, Reed's basically, he's a net if a net was a man. Yeah, I like that the biggest struggle that I've already overcome is just putting together the team. Which in a heist film, no one ever struggles to put together the team. But you never call ahead. That's your problem.

So, all right, you got the Hulk calmed down. Okay okay you ended up with the whole you got the whole cool all right calm he's being like fine well i'm here now quicksilver and scarlet witch yep i'm gonna call them brother and sister yeah call ahead hello quicksilver residents hi quicksilver what's up man hey it's you know I'm Fucking quick Speedy boy Yeah I did Actually that's why I called you

Get out Yeah I Look I know I'm just calling ahead To let you know that I'm putting together a team Okay And I was wondering

If you and your sister Were interested Does this get anything To do with I'm watching on the TV now All these sentinels Attacking Slovakia Yeah that's exactly

Who's that brother brother of mine? It's, um, what's your name again? Joel. Joel Dusha. It's Joel Dusha. I don't know. Where's he from? I'm from S.H.I.E.L.D. He's from Chicago, I think he said. Chicago? Oh, I always want to go to Chicago.

Yeah, let's see what I have to visit Chicago. No, no, no. I'm an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh, S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh, yeah. The guy's responsible for the sentinels. Oh, yeah! The guy's responsible for the sentinels. Yeah, you're the guy's responsible for the sentinels, yeah? Um, look, we can't disclose exactly what happened,

but there was a mistake, and we're trying to clean it up before anyone gets hurt. How many sentinels are there? I think half a million. I think about a hundred. A hundred. A hundred. There's a hundred. Okay, a hundred.

That's not too bad. Well, hey, give me the phone. All right, there you go. Excuse me, Mr. Shield, but we've actually had an offer from the Sentinels, and they're saying some real mean things about you, and they're a real good offer. So we're kind of working for them right now.

They promised to take us to Chicago. Hang up. Me. Me. Me. You were planning that this whole time when I picked them because you're like, they work for, yeah, all right. You're so dejected. So I'm one from four.

Two more? Yeah. One from four and two are already defected, so that's good. Two from two, you got three. Oh, yeah, that's right. I didn't even... Thank God I didn't have to ask. And me, Jackson.

Well, that's three from seven. That's good. I don't have any powers, douche. I don't know. I know. I know. That's good to hear. That's been stressing me since the Jeep ride.

When Reid became a balloon, I was like, is Dusha expecting me to do something? You shouldn't. Because I got nothing. I got absolutely nothing. I don't know why they haven't fired me. Do I work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? I don't know.

I feel like you don't work for S.H.I.E.L.D., you're there to change the vending machine stock. I'm like, hey, Dusha. Oh, Dusha. Can I? Hey, Dusha. So I figured out that if- Dusha, stressed and his hair falling out.

Yes, yes, yes, you can. I figured out that if I just eat the chips from the vending machine, I haven't figured out anything, but it's a good way to get free chips. You want it? Eventually, I'll be fired by the parent company. Who else did you need? So I needed Magneto and I also needed... I think you just went for Magneto.

Or Magus, as I think we should call him. I think we should call him Magneto. Smart move. I feel like I've forgotten someone. Yeah, because Wolverine, he said no. Hulk chased me. Got him, though. Got him.

Reed. Yeah. And then Quicksilver and Wanda, who have defected. Yep. And now the last one is Magneto. Okay. I'm calling ahead. Okay.

Welcome to the Brotherhood. I'm Toad. What a calling ahead. Okay. Welcome to the brotherhood. I'm Toad. What a great way to end. Yep, I'm Toad. What can I do you for? Hey, Toad. Hey, man. What's up?

Not much. This is Joe Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I was just wondering if I could talk to... If I could just talk to Magneto. Yeah? If I could just talk to Magneto. Let me see if he's around. Yeah, hey, talk to Magneto. Yeah? If I could just talk to Magneto. Let me see if he's around. Yeah, hey, it's Magneto.

Hey, Magneto, sorry, you sound way different over the phone. Yeah, I sound different in person. Yeah, people say that. Yeah, that's good. So I'm Joel Dusha from S.H.I.E.L.D. Yeah. Putting together a task force to help take down the Sentinels that are threatening. Well, look, the Sentinels are very anti-mutant, and I don't even know this,

but I am a mutant. Can I bring Toad? Yes. Hey, Toad! You're coming! As a random member of the Brotherhood, Magneto, I just want to quickly remind you, I overheard you talking to Joel Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

about the Sentinel problem. You do know who he's got working for him? Who's that? Reed Richards. Oh, that fuck. He's the one that created all the Sentinels. Yeah. Hey, so I've just been informed by, I forget his name,

he looks like Krusty Brad, but like in the shape of a guy. I've just been informed that your dude Reed Richards Made the Sentinels He gifted you them I'll put him on the other line Krusty Brad man Krusty Brad man Yes I got it right Hey this is Joe Dushan, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D

Just looking at putting together a task force To take down the Sentinels that are currently threatening Slovakia. Yeah. Now, look, I mean, it's great that you want to take down Slovakia or Sokovia or some random... I don't want to take them down, I want to protect them. Yes, yes.

Okay, you want to protect Sokovia from the Sentinels. Out of curiosity, I mean, I know that you're reaching out to us but is there any mutants on your task force? yep no but we have powered individuals I've noticed a lot of mutant racism coming from I asked Wolverine

you asked what? Wolverine? that's Professor Axe's mate that guy's a fuck. I then changed my mind because I decided I wanted you guys on the team. Ah, that's nice to hear in a trusty, proud man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm just going to...

One moment, please. I'm going to put him on mute. Yeah. Magneto. Just give me a sec, man. Yeah. What can they provide us? I mean, we don't like the sentinels

yeah like we could just attack them ourselves without help from because you know they're probably going to betray us at some point yeah look they're not a huge fan we've called ourselves the brotherhood of evil mutants yeah yeah they're gonna put a collar on us hey look by the by um i've been thinking about that as a name for us yeah you know we're trying to project like a pro mutant yeah i'm just thinking like the brotherhood of evil mutants it's very negative it's a negative a name for us. Yeah. You know, we're trying to project like a pro mutant. Yeah. I'm just thinking like the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. It's very negative. It's a negative title.

Yeah. I've been thinking that for ages. Yeah. I didn't want to bring it up because everyone's really attached to the idea. I mean, I consider myself more neutral than evil.

I don't really see the world in terms of good and evil. So, like, it seems weird that we chose that as our name. Why don't we just drop the evil? Let's just be the Brotherhood of Mutants. Let's just be the Brotherhood. Brotherants. Let's just be the Brotherhood. Brotherhood's much better.

It rolls with the tongue easier. Yeah, I think that's good. What about our female compatriots there? Do we even need a title? It seems a bit weird. You're the Hood. You're on the other end. When are they going to pick up the phone again?

I mean, we should call it the Hood. Yeah, the Hood. The Hood, Brotherhood, Sisterhood. Like, it's all good. It's all the Hood. The Hood of Mutants? The Hood of Mutants. That doesn't really roll off the tongue anywhere near as well.

Mutant Hood? Mutant Hood? Mutant Hood. That's a good idea. Thank you, little man that looks sort of like a duck, but not from the front. That's great. That's, yeah, Mutant Hood. That's good.

All right. Yeah, we're going to call ourselves the Mutant Hood. What? Huh? What? We're who? What? Oh, no. Yes, we're going to call ourselves the Mutant Hood. What? Huh? What? We're who? What? Oh, no.

Yes, we're not coming. Why? We're going to do it ourselves. All right. We just assumed that you work for the government. The government have always wanted to kill us and take our powers away. So I get now that, you know, you fucked up a situation. You come to us after all these years of, like, torment.

I mean, you made the Senate. The government did. So what are you guys doing? We met. I mean, are the sentinels the government did so what are you guys doing we met I mean are they attacking us

hang on what's the immune population like in scolovia probably pretty good there's all

mutants everywhere you know what we should do go in there get all the mutants out let the humans

suffer yeah that's a good idea alright see ya bye bye well then how'd the phone call go hey it's me Jackson again

hey Jackson you always sound so different to everyone else it's just just blown away you know like when you got friends and like everyone kind of sounds different my friends just sound totally different anyway they said no so we got Hulk

Reed sad Reed midlife crisis Reed Wild. Anyway, they said no. So we got Hulk. Sad Reed. Midlife Crisis Reed. Jackson. Jackson. And Joel Dush, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., who was going to sit behind a desk, but now it looks like he's also going to be on the front lines. Give him a pistol. Put him in front of the sentinels. I'm only going to need one bullet, guys.

Any last ditch people you need? Anyone Anyone That's what you want from your government officials Anyone that can just help us out We have so much problems Does anyone pick up? Anyone pick up please

Spidey Alright How's it going? I'll call him Please. Spider-Man. Spidey. Spider-Man. All right. Okay, how's it going? All right. I'll call him. All right. Yeah.

Hey, Spider-Man, are you there? Hello? Ring? Ring? Oh, hey, yeah, no, it's me, Spider-Man. Hey, Spider-Man, it's Joe Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm a big fan of yours. Oh, that's really nice to hear, man. That's always nice to meet...

Wait, how'd you get this number? I work for S.H.I.E.L.D. Yeah, but wait, is this my home line? Do you know I'm Peter Parker? Oh, I do now. Shit! Anyway, forget I said that. Okay, deal.

I will forget that you said that if you do me a massive favor. Call Intercepted. Hi, this is Tony Stark here. You trying to contact an underage child? Who is this? No, sorry. This is a Spider-Verse Spider-Man. Which one?

Which one? Spider-Ham? The old one. No, no, no. Oh, Spider-Man. I came Mary Jane to death. If you've taken Tom Holland's Spider-Man, you've got Stark to deal with.

He's going to be mad at you for recruiting a 15. Please take Rain's Spider-Man. 616 Marvel Universe Spider-Man is 28 years old. I'm calling him. Hey, how you doing? Hey, Spider-Man. What's up? It's Joe Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I don't know who you are. Agent of S.H.I.E Joe Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

I don't know who you are. Oh, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Yeah, yeah. Head of S.H.I.E.L.D. currently, Nick Fury, M.I.A. Wow, that's sad. Yeah, he'll turn up. He always does this. Do you have a company now?

Are you a CEO? Yeah, I think I'm the CEO of a spider company of some variety. Perfect. Then you know how businesses work. If you do me a favor, I'll happily do you one. Anyway, I'm putting together a team. You're promising a private business. Help from a government agency.

That's mostly Hydra, yes. I feel this is very illegal. You know what else is illegal? Everything Batman does. But we don't hear me talking shit about him. Who's on the team already? Hulk, Reed, I haven hear me talking shit about him. Who's on the team already? Hulk, Reed, I haven't asked it to anyone else. You say it like that?

That sounded genuine. What are the benefits of joining your team? You get to work together in a rich, rewarding environment. You don't sound that amused. No, like, it's a great opportunity. I know that Spider-Man- So you're selling this to me because it's a great opportunity.

That's what you're saying. You're saying- It's a great opportunity to help save the world. There it is. Yeah, so a group of Sentinels are attacking- I've said it so many times. Sokovia? Are attacking Sokovia.

Valencia? Sokovia. The Veronicas. The Veronicas, yeah. Yeah. So they're attacking Sovec... Sylvester Stallone. Sokovia.

Sokovia, yeah. And yeah, I'm putting together a team. We're going to take down those sentinels, show them that Earth is super protected. Yeah, look, I mean, like, it doesn't sound too bad. Yeah, look, I mean, like, it doesn't sound too bad. Yeah, I guess I'd come along. Can I send, like, one of my...

Yeah, surely I've got underlings at this point. Can I give them Miles Morales? I don't think you do. That's a shame. I kind of got a company to run with. Maybe Prowler. Who the hell is Prowler? That's great if you're like somebody working for the company

Do I have anyone to send? Prowler Prowler? Who the hell is Prowler? You're the guy that pretends to be Spider-Man With Spider-Man CEO and a bit to be like Oh yeah, Peter Parker can't be The guy that pretends to be Spider-Man with Spider-Man sick

So like, maybe him Look, I'll send down a spider clone, how's that? Oh you got one mate, yeah Yeah, I'll clone myself, send you one of them You can have Ben Reilly Yeah Oh, you got one, mate? Yeah. Yeah, I'll just clone myself. Send you one of them. You can have Ben Reilly. Yeah. Do you want Ben Reilly?

He's a lad with a... He has a mask on and he has a hood. Yeah, he's sick. You remember the 90s? Yeah. I do. I just feel like... They're pretty good. He took down the Venom.

Yeah. Also, it's your cloning yourself. I didn't want to... You reckon you can send three? Yeah, look... You don't have... You've got Kane. Yeah. And you've got Ben Reilly. three? Yeah, look. You don't even have to. You've got Kane. Yeah.

And you've got Ben Reilly. Ben Reilly, yep. Who's the other one? The famous clones you've got? Hey, Spider-Man. Do you still talk to Flash Thompson? My high school bully. Yeah, the guy that became Venom.

Agent Venom. Agent Venom. He's in space, mate. Come on. Shit. Come on. Shit. Sorry, these contacts I've got are a little old. I just wanted to check in. Yeah, no, he's in space. I mean, you can probably call space. Doesn't S.H.I.E.L.D. have a space

group? Aren't they called Sword? That's a space group. There's a space group. I'm going to be doing your job for you. Fuck, I'm hanging up. Thanks, mate. Alright. You got two clones out of it. You get the Scarlet Spider and I forget the other one.

The one with the hood, yeah? That's the Scarlet Spider. I forget who Kane is at the moment. Whatever, you're getting two spider clones. That's alright. One's a bit unhinged. One thinks he's a real man. That he's a clone. You also got the sweet reminder that sword exists.

I do. Like the sword Rolodex had fallen off your desk. Oh, shit. Space. That's right. Yeah, so. I'm going to call sword. Hey, space shield, what's up?

Hey, space shield, it's's earth shield What's going on So Nick Fury's missing again Classic Nick Anyway so I'm putting together a team just to defend an island on earth Sentinels have picked it up Were they the ones that you were given To help protect News travels fast

That was years ago Yeah look to help protect. News travels fast. That was years ago. Yeah, look. Look, we won, but at what cost? Yeah. I can see that country being lifted from here. Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any contacts in space that could come down to Earth and give me a hand. I mean, we do, but you know how big space is?

It's pretty big. Anyone nearby? Who do you want? Anyone that's near, I reckon. All right, name them. Name one space lad. Is Drax around? Drax?

Odds are even. I don't really want him he's gonna be garbage if I don't get a robot odds yeah he's right here can I talk to him sure hey Drax

yeah hey what's up it's me Drax hey Drax what's up man it's so interesting to speak to a spaceman. Well, I mean... Oh, I am from space. I get it. You're from Earth. That makes sense. Not fair.

You just sound so similar to everyone here on Earth. It's real good. That's fucked. Yeah. Do you have any brothers? No. Anyway, small talk aside. I was just wondering if you want to come down to Earth for a second and just help me take out some robots.

It's a long time for me to get to Earth. It's going to take like a month at least. What? It's far. Did you not know space was big? Is this somehow news to you? I just thought you could beam me down or something like that. We're in orbit, so like... Oh, they can beam me, they just said.

I mean, we could drop you out and you could fall. Yeah. You cool with that? Yeah. Alright, sweet. If you could just aim for sokovia we'll do our best but you know again it's space can you just put a tracker on him if that's cool if that's all right with you drax oh that's a bit invasive not anyway just like you can wear a wristband okay if i go over that's fine i can just take that off if i get like weirded out yeah all right yeah cool and i'll shoot me like a gun into the earth. That's fine. We shoot him like a gun into the earth. Eyes or lows?

Eyes. Yeah, he lands near Scovia. I dare you to just look out your window and just... There's a little fireball towards earth. Alright, hey, look, you got someone from space. That's alright. Alright, so my team. My final assembled team.

Avengers assemble. Jackson. Sad read. Two Spider-Mans. One that's a clone and one that's real. Well, both are clones. One thinks he's real. I've got a Hulk that didn't really want to come with me.

But he's here. I feel you've got a Bruce Banner't really want to come with me. But he's here. He's here now. I feel you've got a Bruce Banner. Well, he'll be a very... A salty Bruce Banner. He'll be a Hulk soon enough. The moment I just pop my face out. Oi!

Oi! And attracts. Yeah, look. That's a good team. How do we think they'd fare against the Sentinels? I feel like the Sentinels just blast the two spider clones like no not necessarily because spider clones are quick ah that's true here spider-mans are quite quick they're known for their nimbility uh wait is the moment the one that thinks he's real sees the other one that he's gonna freak out i i feel like

spider clones when they get together like things don't go well like one like spider clones When they get together Things don't go well Give me one example Spider clones kills the other spider clone And you're left with one spider clone If I get two spiders and I put them next to each other There's going to be a fight They'll fight We'll leave you with Scarlet Spider

Because he's got the hoodie So the other one They fought So one's very rad in 90s And one's like happy to kill people. Yeah. Which one do you want? I think they actually weirdly both called the Scarlet Spider,

but at different times. Spider-Man's alright. We're doing everything else by fucking whatever you guys say, so who would win in that fight? Who do you bet? Who do you want? Who do you want to win? Do you want rad 90s or do you want? Who do you want to win? Do you want Rad90s?

Or do you want just Ready to murder Ready to murder See I just feel like Ready to murder would win Because he would just He's ready to murder Odds are evens

Odds Rad90s wins Yeah That's good I like trick or tell Well that's fine Because like Robots are robots

Yeah look It doesn't matter what decade you're from. You're going to make Bruce Banner angry. That's your starting move. Hey, Bruce, thanks for coming. Now you've got a... Where's Hulk? Where do you keep him?

Where have you... Are you near this place? You've driven. Where do you keep them? Are you near this place? Oh, yeah. You've driven. Everybody in the car. Everybody in the Jeep. Going to drive to Slovakia. Backseat just covered in chips.

Everyone hand out a packet. It's not eaten. Good? Yep, it's good eaten. That's the last of the chips from the machine. This worked out perfectly because I think they were going to fire me. They were going to come by the office. I got a text this morning.

So instead of buying the helicarrier, you've decided to drive from the US of A, presumably, S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, all the way to central europe or northern wherever that's good we get there late surely we arrive and the whole country is decimated the mutant would have come in they've saved a lot of mutants

not a lot of humans Drax was there Drax did what he could Saved a lot of mutants. Yep. Not a lot of humans. Drax was there. Drax did what he could. But the whole time, Drax is like, where the fuck is everyone? Where are they? Why are they late? I don't understand what's happening.

I think Reed spent the whole trip just bumming everyone out about his failed marriage. Yep. Hulk is no longer Hulk. He's just sad. And the two spider clones, one of them is just rad 90s but has the other's blood on his hands. So look. So maybe this time

Nick Fury had the right idea. Uh-huh. Of just not getting involved. Or opting to fly rather than when it comes down to it maybe i should have flown that that's in your final like meeting with their like like all right so like welcome welcome gel dusha hey um welcome back to the world order those those floating heads yep in shield hey how you doing hey so we've noticed um look it was so we've noticed, look, it was a bit of a problem. A bit of a crapshoot.

A bit of a crapshoot. Look, I'm going to say that the mutant population of Sokovia has been relocated to the United States of America, so that's real good for that. The mutanthood got angry at the um uh angry at the uh sentinels and like oh look i reckon i reckon magneto would have got him yeah look you know what you've probably almost done actually you've almost created an asteroid m which is magneto's home base which is just in the in in space so like you know magnetoseto grabs Sokovia, shoves her into space.

Yeah, look, you solved one problem, but you've kind of caused another. You killed a lot of us. Europe's mad. Europe's very mad at us. I don't know how long you're going to remain in this position. Frankly, you know what other floating head, I was starting to think it's almost on us to keep giving him

this job, potentially. We should maybe fire him. I don't know. I sense a civil war coming on sometime soon, so maybe it's best to just keep me in the phone. To be honest, looking at the report, now that I think about it, it has got rid of the mutant problem.

They're all up in space. They are a problem. At least the evil ones out there. I mean, they're trying to rebrand, but I don't think it's going to work. No, look, they're evil. The evil ones are up there. That's good.

That's good. Yeah, that's good. You did kill thousands? Thousands? Millions? Yeah, look, it's ugly. It's ugly down there. The Sentinels are all destroyed.

Yeah, not really any thanks to you, but they're destroyed. They're destroyed. I feel like if I didn't call Magneto, it wouldn't have gone. A phone call, you're saying? A phone call, yeah. So that's what did it, you reckon? Was what sorted it out. Yeah.

Yeah, it saved the world with just a single phone call. Right. What a success, actually. Things could have been a lot worse. Quicksilver didn't die. That's true. That's true. Quicksilver just wasn't.

Quicksilver and Wanderer are probably living on Asteroid M. Asteroid S. With, I guess, their dear papa. Yep. And that's good. He reunited a family. Yeah. That's more than Nick Fury's ever done, I feel.

Resolving sworn families apart. They've reunited a family. And, well, it's not a good, like, at the point for the humans, because this is, like, potentially Magneto at his most tyrannical, so... It sort of feels like you've done better than the first time, but, like, I don't know how. Yeah. You've made, like, weird repercussions for your later, because you've basically created, like, a monarch of evil mutants.

In space. In space. That may be a problem. That's not good is what we're getting at. Job well done, Joel Dusha. Did it in one. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been just so many people.

Too many people to count. They all sounded like me. And I've mostly been Reid, but other things. And look, if you think you could do better you can't thanks for listening thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter you can find us at sans pants radio or you can find us individually i'm at douche 13 i'm at old dog the dad and i'm at god damn it zamit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps

and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time goodnight for now kisses