Plumbing the Death Star - Joel Duscher Agent of Shield 3

Episode Date: September 15, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. and slap that all on a USB cassette tape that you can purchase right now from audiobooksontape.com. But that's not all, you beautiful human beings. If you use coupon code DICKHEAD at checkout, you get 10% off the whole damn thing. That's 21 brand new never-heard-before-unless-you-were-there episodes and a heap of bonus video footage, like Jackson getting his head stuck in brighton's cheeky chappy so if that sounds like something you want to consume just head to audiobooksontape.com and use coupon code dickhead at checkout hey everyone and welcome to our 300th episode of plumbing the death star we've done it we've been there since episode one we then hit record 300 times and now we're here and i'm happy

to say that we're here to ask the important questions is attacking the city your agents of shield again we're gonna do that for a third time yeah yeah yeah like episode 200 or eight or episode eight i think the first one was. Yeah, you're going to be Nick Fury again. Oh, no. So I guess after being deposed as leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. because you tried to drive to Slokovia. As we all recall, John Ushers set himself up to knock those Ultrons down

but then decided to take the car on his trip to Slokovia. From presumably America. decided to take the car on his trip to Slokovia. From Slokovia. America. Slokovia got destroyed. Alright, so Slokovia is dead. Hey, no quick silver or one? Yeah. From Mammery, I think

the mutants helped a bit. The mutants helped and also Drax fixed it. Drax was there. Because you told you were going to meet him there, but you didn't. You just left Drax high and dry. Okay, so sword height. Sword height, Magneto is like a champion of humanity. He's a champion of the people.

Because you stopped the Ultrons. You just arrived in Flacovia. You're having driven there. For 100 episodes. Whilst you were driving 100 episodes long, which you had queued up on your cassette, I keep going to, plumbing the Death Star, put it in. Thanos is attacked.

The Infinity Stones, it's funny that the Infinity Stones gathered without your knowledge. You're not part of it. And Thanos has come down. I suppose we'll set this like in Avengers Infinity War when Thanos' ship appears over New York City. And you're going to have to put together, I suppose, a team. To deal with this.

To send some people to space, some people to the moon. Because you were too busy driving, thankfully you weren't nearly assassinated by the Winter Soldier. Yeah, that's right. You missed Civil War. And because Sokovia was not destroyed by the Avengers, Baron Zemo now presumably killed Magneto. With a plastic gun.

Yeah. I was going to say with a plastic knife, like one of those little plastic pieces of cutlery in the back of his head. You're hearing about this on the news and you're like, I've got to get there quicker. Step on it. You've got to keep stuffing for petrol. You're taking a fucking while.

So it's been a while. You arrive at Zocovia and they're like, we did it. You're like, oh, turn around. Chuck your blinker on. Back to New York. Zocovia's just like nice, rebuilt. It's a perfect city. Magneto built skyscrapers. Everything is nice

and moulded and metal and beautiful. What was the big deal? And they look at you and be like, oh, you! You didn't help at all. You've been gone for 100 episodes. Then you return to New York, another odyssey by car. Maybe I fly this time. Maybe it was like 50-50.

It was like a year there, a year back. Then you arrive back, and I guess they take you back to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, and they're like, thank God, Nick Fury's fucked off yet again, and you, Joel Del ducha leader of shield master of shield master of shield that's right yeah because you weren't look hey winter soldier they got him they got nick fury around and nick fury is dead and in his will he was like that fuck oh whoa the ultimate punishment in his death replacing him with me I leave, it's great to imagine him being like

I leave shield 2, that's right, you guessed it Joel Dush everyone's like oh no he's not battered, he's literally battered zero so he'll look after it he's got this, he's got this so here's the intel from Nick Fury, it says that

some purple bloke has gathered all these stones and you've cooked it. And he's coming. Yep. What are you going to do? Is he coming for... So how many stones does he have? I suppose he has the same amount he has in Infinity War or whatever.

Yeah, so he hasn't got... The time. Yeah, time. Doctor Strange's one. Yeah. Yeah. That's basically it. He's got the rest, I think.

I don't remember how many stones he had. He's got the Tesseract. He doesn't have the reality stone either because it's in Vision's head. That's right. He needs Vision's head. So he needs Vision's head. And the Tesseract. No, he's got Tesseract.

He needs Vision's head. And the Time Stone. And the Time Stone. Yeah. And is there any other stones? It's real funny to imagine just the three of us in your office having this conversation. Right. Well, we know he's got...

I like to imagine we are using boiled eggs that I was eating to indicate that various stones... Alright, so that was the one that Loki had. Leaving greasy stains on the important documents in front of you. Why are your boiled eggs greasy? They're oily with egg oil. You've got to dip them in butter.

Eggs aren't oily. Some eggs are. These ones are. I don't know. So he's got the one. Did you boil them in oil? Yeah, I tried to deep fry them. Deep fried boiled eggs. Get with the program. You're meant to be a smart

genius. This guy doesn't know how to deep fry boiled eggs. That's how I do it. Put it in hot water, not hot oil. I don't even like eggs. What? It was an experiment. Why are you wrecking my office? Because we need to know where the stones are. You invited us

in here. You leave in a road trip for a hundred episodes. I'm there unpeeling the greasy eggs, dipping them in different coloured dyes Yeah, those are the stones We've got to let them sit for a bit So they absorb the colour The wet red one

He has that, he got that when he took out the Nova Corps Okay The wet purple one The wet purple one These eggs are falling apart The wet blue one He's got that falling apart. These eggs are falling apart. The wet blue one. He's got that because old mate Tricky Boy had it.

He doesn't have the wet green one. See, the wet green one he doesn't have. That's on Earth still. Drop that in your coffee. The wet yellow one he doesn't have either. No. That's in a guy's head. That's in a guy's head.

Okay. Where is the wet red one? I'll slam that yellow one into my head like you might a can. Yeah. In Vision's head. Okay. Okay, where is the wet red one? I'll slam that yellow one into my head like you might a can. Yeah. In Vision's head. Yeah. And then we're missing the yellow. There's two more. Oh, okay. He doesn't have the one that that space Nazi has. Yes. Oh, yeah,

the soul stone. Yeah. Doesn't have the Nazi stone. No one knows what that one is. There's a missing one. Anyway. And then there's the wet red one. That's somewhere else. Where's this go? Possibly Thor has it. Did Thor have it for a bit?

Malacath? Yeah, they definitely did. It's very great to imagine any other member of S.H.I.E.L.D. opening your office and being like, how are things proceeding in here? Macaliff covered in boiled eggs. Yeah, we're getting it. We've just got to establish some things first.

Yeah. The red one, he has. Let's say. When did he get it? Oh, no, he got it from the collector. That's right. All right. We're good.

He got it from the collector. So old mate's got three. We know where two are. One, we don't know, but we secretly know it's in a space Nazi. Yeah. All right. We don't need to worry About that last one

If he can't get the first five That's true Well he's got three Yeah he got three out of five He still needs two I see what you're saying If he can't get the next two He doesn't need the space Nazi one

But he's a weird way Of framing it you know I was confused too But like he's got The first five He's got three He's already got three But he can't do much

He's trying to like You know put himself up On a bit of a win here. Because you're basically setting yourself up to fail when we just recently pointed out he's already got three. Give me the phone. I'm calling up Doctor Strange. Yeah, all right.

Okay. Hello, Doctor Strange. This is Wu speaking. Wu? Wong? Wong. This is Wong speaking. Who's Wu?

I don't know. Did I pass a test? Anyway, Wong, can I speak to the Sorcerer Supreme? It's of vital importance. Wait, what's he up to these days? He's busy. Doing what? Surgery.

Mystical surgery. Tell him literally the fate of the universe. Hey, Strange. He's not going to give up his belt buckle this easily, man. No, I don't want his belt buckle. I just need to talk to him. Strange, there's a man to give up his belt buckle this easily, man. No, I don't want his belt buckle. Strange, there's a man here. I'll conference you in.

Hello, it's me, Doctor Strange. Yeah, hey. Hey, Doctor Strange. My jacket won't stop being animated. Wow. Sorry, it's a cape. What's going on? I need you to go back in time.

Okay, to what end? Who are you? Hi, I'm Joel Dusha, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Okay. Sorry, I thought you might have known who I was since you're meant to be. Doesn't work over phones. Go on. I need you to go back in time.

We just got intel that someone is collecting the Infinity Stones. I know you possess one currently. I also know you're not going to give it to me. And I frankly don't want to touch it. I will die. Yeah. Hang on a second. I just know you're not going to give it to me. And I frankly don't want to touch it. I will die. Hang on a second. I just heard something crash through our ceiling. Hey, it's a green boy.

We'll just be a sec and a green boy just crashed through the ceiling. How about I meet you there? We've already gone. Where are we going? I'm Jackson now. Alright, we're going to go. That seemed to go well yeah we're gonna go

to the strange emporium whatever it's called yeah are we hopping in a car again that's in New York so you can get there

by car the traffic's pretty dead well take a fucking carrier then alright that's pretty

a helicopter alright we'll get a helicopter. It's so funny to put the strange emporium into the GPS and arrive at, like, a clothing store. Are you sure this is the place? No. Sanctum Sanctorum or whatever it's called.

Oh, okay. Sanctum Sanctorum. We're outside a strange emporium. Sanctum Sanctorum. We're outside a strange emporium. Sanctum Sanporpor? How do you spell that? Sanctuary? I'll fly. Okay.

I suppose we arrive as the Avengers are arguing and bickering. I'm almost too late. Hey, we would like your belt buckle, Mr. Strange. I don't want your belt buckle. Don't listen to him. I need you to go back in time. Okay, to do what? We need to prevent everything that's just about to happen.

Or if we can spend Hulk back in time, that's also good. Me, Hulk, don't understand time travel. Yeah, that's dumb Hulk still. Yeah, I'm not a professor yet. No way. What? I'm Mark Ruffalo. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Bruce Banner, he's dumb Hulk still. Yeah, I'm not a professor yet. No way. What? I'm Mark Ruffalo. Oh, yeah.

You're Bruce Banner. He's clever. I'm a clever boy, but I can't Hulk out because I'm a skid. Yeah, that's fair. He's just Hulk, dude. Doctor Strange. Hey, who are you again? I'm the head of S.H.I.E.L.D.

You really need to get an ID, dude. I need a press release. Hey, sorry. I've been off planet for a while, but didn't Nick Fury die? Yeah, this is the new ID. I need a press release. Hey, sorry. I've been off planet for a while, but didn't Nick Fury die? Yeah, this is the new guy. Hi, I'm Jackson. How you doing? Hey, Jackson.

I'm Bruce Banner. That's cool. Your name's alliterative. All right. Jackson J. Lee. Yeah, Jackson J. J. Lee. How you doing? All right.

So, yeah. So, look, there's a purple guy up. Look, he hit the Hulk pretty bad. Yeah. And he's got three stones and he's after two more, three more. We don't know where one is. Anyway. Strange.

Hey, Strange, he's after your stone. Yeah. Well. Go back in time, please. I'll send Hulk back in time. Okay. Why? No, no, no.

Hulk. Yep. Sent back to the stone. time. Okay. Why? No, no, no. Hulk? Yep. Send back to the stone. Fuck. Why does no one listen to what I say? It's also great to send Hulk back to, like, even the Battle of New York. Because it's just Bruce Banner. Before you send me back

were you sending me? Yeah, we should have explained. What do you want me to do? Bruce Banner writes a message in stone. Why did he do it

in stone? Not that long. Because he sent him back to the caveman times. That's fair. What else is he going to do? No, I thought we were sending him back to the caveman times. Oh, that's fair. What else are you going to do? No, I thought we were sending him back to the Battle of New York. No one listened to me.

No one said anything. And then Doctor Strange is like, back to Stone Age. Doctor Strange is going to hit you trigger fingers. He's going to do a, he's going to, whoa, he's going to hair trigger. Whoa, back to the Stone Age. Okay. It's so funny. Very prominent.

Wong coming with a tablet that to the Stone Age. Okay. It's so funny. Very prominent. Wong coming with a tablet that's like, hello. Hi. And it's a big tablet being like, hi, Doctor Strange. You fucked it. Can you bring me back in time, please? Why did you send me to the Stone Age? I don't understand.

I fear dinosaurs. I have not been living well. I found what I'm using as a chisel to write this message. Bring me back as soon as you read this. All right, Doctor Strange, bring back Hulk. Bruce Banner has a beard. What did you want to get?

Why? I looked away. He just looks at Joel. Why? That's not the plan. What was your plan, you idiot? Speak to Doctor Strange. Where do you want me to send him?

I'll send him wherever you want now. Doctor Strange, what was his plan? I don't want you to send him to anywhere yet. Okay. Or at all, in fact, after what you just did to this poor man. Okay. Are you able to turn back into the Hulk now? No.

That would have been him. I'm not angry. We're puzzled. That would have been No. That would have been him. I'm not angry. We're puzzled. That would have been useful. That would have been a useful side effect. I can turn into like a shade of yellow that's the quizzical Hulk. Piss Hulk. Yeah, it's Piss Hulk, if you will.

He's not angry. He's confused. Watch me. Huh? What? That's all he does. Hulk what? Hulk what? Hulk what?

It's basically what he does Hulk what? Hulk what? Okay So can that help you out JD? Hey I don't know Jackson here dude Do you want to just call the Sebastian

Go get lunch Figure out where to go next No Alright Alright Doctor Strange is flipping the time Doctor Strange just call the Sebastian and go get lunch. Figure out where to go next. All right. Doctor Strange is flipping the time. Doctor Strange, how many people are you capable of sending back in time? Me. One person.

From memory, yes. And apparently me. So two, I guess, including me, Doctor Strange. Can you send both at the same time? Yes. Okay. So we've got two options. I reckon we try the first one

first. If that fails, we can still go again. Okay. Both of you back to battle in New York. Doctor Strange, you weren't Doctor Strange at this time. I was just a run-of-the-mill surgeon. Yes. If you can just try and get one of those gems from Loki. he has two.

Okay. The Tesseract and the gem in his stick. Who else am I taking with me? Well, if you can take Bruce Banner, that helps. If you can't, it doesn't matter. He's just a guy. Take Wong, then. I will.

I love Wong. I know. I love Wong, too. That's. I love Wong. I know. I love Wong, too. That's a lot of good Wong positivity. Everyone loves Wong. All right. Very good. Doctor Strange and Wong disappear into the time stream.

Are you taking me with you? No, he can take two people. No, okay. He comes back. What? They're not taking me anymore? I can take two people. I established that.

Okay, for the process of this, maybe you should take me also. Okay. Fine. Why are you staying here? Okay. You and Doctor Strange back to Battle of New York. First, Panner and Wong have a lovely Cup of tea together

Isn't, I mean in that time period Thanos is attacking so probably not a lovely Cup of tea. Yeah that's true, they've still got to deal With Thanos in the main time But Thanos is attacking and they're like He's like give us the time gem and the time gem Is not there. It's back in the Battle of New York. Well it's not Thanos

It's the weird sickly boy. What's his name? Athena? Grobbled or something? That's another side quest. That's me at the window. Holy shit. Grimace is real. I thought he was just McDonald's.

Who's this Grobbled guy? Holy shit. We got a guy. What? How good? Okay. Paddle of New York. What's your plan? All right, Doctor Strange,

you either need to try and destroy one of these Infinity Stones or we need to get one. Destroy one of the Infinity Stones? How do we do it? Dunno. Okay. Or if you can dislodge it in time, that could probably like send it to a time that doesn't exist.

I know you can do weird time stuff. Yeah. Okay. So the gems that are in New York are the one in the scepter. Yeah. And the one in the Tesseract. And the one in the Tesseract. And the other time gem.

And the ancient one has. Yeah. There are three. Yeah. We're having the end game realisation. Oh, yeah. So while you two dickheads, Doctor Strange and JD, the Ancient One pops down and is like,

oh, hey, hey, Steven, what's going on? Oh, my God. This is just like this movie. We need the time gems because this cunt says we don't. Well, you've got a time gem. I've got a time gem. We've got two time gems. Did I hear correctly? He wanted to destroy the gems?

Yes. Why do you want to destroy the gems? I then do that wonderful thing to be like, if you destroy them, bullshit happens. Don't destroy the gems. And then I point out, I'm like, yeah, but also what happens if you remove one from time? Oh, yeah, same problem.

Don't remove them either. Too late. Fuck. Oh. Too late. Fuck. Oh. Super dumb. H1 flicks Doctor Strange in the forehead like an idiot. Flicks him in the forehead and he has that like, whoa!

It goes like an out-of-body experience like in Doctor Strange. Yeah. Basically, Thanos is attacking, but in this reality, he's got nothing. Doesn't it work, though, that if is attacking, but in this reality, he's got nothing. Doesn't it work, though, that if we take the gems from this reality, Thanos... Okay, so if you take the gem from this

reality and you want to come back and then give them before they go? Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's fine. Okay. Yeah, right. Well, what do we need? Well, you don't need two time gems. That's silly. No, we probably need the other gems, though. Yeah. Alright, I, Doctor dr strange will go home to help defend the present because you got a time gem here to get home no no no don't do that that's good they need that anyway what do you need so the thing that they were attacking new york for we removed and then dr Strange just took straight back. Fuck. What?

So now I'm in 2012, knowing full well that in 2018 or 19 or whatever, things are bad and I'm just not there. Maybe I just retire. Fuck it. Oh, actually, no. Doctor Strange pops back into the current timeline. Bruce Banner.

Hulk. They all head to space like in the movie. Me and you were like, where are they going? I'm going to go with them to space. You can stay here. Maybe after all of this. What does Joel do? I was like, you know what?

Back in 2012. Yes. Don't worry about it. Let's just stay here. We'll protect this timeline. The other one, it's fucked. They've made too many stay here We'll protect this timeline The other one It's fucked They've made too many mistakes

We'll fix it Okay So after we Defend New York here Yeah I'm gonna need you to go to Sokovia Ancient one

Yep Yeah And be prepared Tony Stark is gonna make A terrible decision I'm just gonna use This is easy I'm gonna use my future knowledge

Yeah What are you gonna do I'll go back in time and be like, hey, Wolverine, join my team to help Age of Ultron. Stop it. You go back in time as you're walking in to recruit Wolverine and you're like, hey, hey, hey, don't say Bob. Don't say Bob.

That's not going to work. And then he comes out with Wolverine and he's like, all right, let's try it. And I'm like, no. Fly. You've learned my lesson. and he's like, all right, let's drive. And I'm like, no, fly.

Learned my lesson. All right, okay. So yeah, I've abandoned the timeline that I'm from. You've abandoned the timeline, me and Damodaran. Bro. You've been nothing but a nuisance. Yeah. Yeah.

And ancient one. Yeah, we need to, if we can get a hold of these gems or I was like, look, I know what happens here. Just do what you're going to do. I'm going to stay out of it. We win. Yeah.

And then when shield have the things we need to make it very clear. The one shield, a hydro. Yeah. Okay. And two, those gems are very important. Like you've just made yourself quite the target

by being so prescient about what's coming. If you one man are like, everyone, shield is Hydra. So it just shoots me in the head. Hail Hydra. Okay, so, all right. So you're, okay. So shield of Hydra. Actually, that's a good point.

I probably keep that to myself, hey? Yeah. Well, you just told me. Okay. No, Ancient One already knows, because she already knew that Stephen Strange was going to make a call. Actually, that's a good point. I probably keep that to myself. Well, you just told me. No, Ancient One already knows because she already knew that Stephen Strange was going to make a film. Hey, you know what's cool? Okay, so imagine you're staying in the past. Yeah.

Right. But also, if things play out as they did in Avengers Infinity War and Endgame, everyone comes back to the past. So as you're like, we got this, Battle of New York. Iron No, Captain America. So Ancient One and JD are having a conversation. Then suddenly we appear.

Oh, look, it's Tony Stark. Hey, Bruce Banner, hey, you're back. But he's Hulk this time. Now it's Professor Hulk. Oh, did you get rid of the confused Hulk? Yes. They're like, everyone got snapped. I'm fixing that.

Snapped? What the hell is a snap? Wait, are they coming back? Oh, okay. You're the ancient one in this situation. What happened to me and you, Zamet, on Earth when the snap happened? Because things happened as they did in that timeline. Did we get snapped?

I reckon we're on the planet with Tony Stark being like, that's rough. That's a shame. I like to think I say it in the Sanctum Sectorium, and I didn't get snapped, but the person driving a car did, and they rammed into my legs. Like it crashed through the front and pinned me to a wall. Oh, I wish I got snapped.

You said it instantly. Oh, I'm coining the two. Oh, I wish I got snapped. What am I facing now? Nothing. You haven't even seen. Nothing has happened. A car has just hit me.

Oh, I wish I got turned into dust instead of this. That would have been neat. Oh man, now my guts are out. Yeah. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is all cranberries and spice, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish

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real play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be. So now, Agent 1 is chatting to Joel Dusha, Agent of Shield. Then suddenly you've got Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Captain America, Jackson in a wheelchair. Hey, in the timeline you left us in, a car hit me. And I said, yeah.

Zammett traumatized from seeing all these young people die in front of him. So Spider-Man just, you know, just to dust. I said snapped and that's what it, I was right. He coined the term, man. Anyway. Hey, what are you doing here? Do you know what happened? Thanos got the stones. That's what I'm trying to stop.

Do you know what he did? Snapped? Yeah. And I came up, how crazy, I don't think we're giving that enough weight. He came up with the term as the car ran into my guts i said i wish that i'd become dust instead of this and that's exactly what happened to everyone that's not a term well i made it one now they're saying it on the news uh everyone got made into dust yeah it's so funny just the slight changes to this timeline instead of snapped it's made into dust uh things have changed since the maiden to dusting what a world the dusting

okay and then we explained the avengers plan in avengers end game we're going back in time to collect the stones which i guess must have been your plan. I was already doing that. You came back in time to get the... No, you said you were going to abandon that timeline. He said he was going to abandon the timeline, guys. Yeah, bro. I didn't say nothing of the sort. Anyway, I'm glad we're all back together.

We can help out. Okay, so now we need to get from Loki the Mind Stone out of his scepter. So did you come back with the time? Oh, now you need the time. That's troublesome. I'll stay here because I don't think I can really help. I'll hang out with the ancient one.

You guys go get Loki's scepter. Yeah, hey, here you go, Bruce. I've already explained the... Yeah, hey, here you go, Bruce. I've already explained the... I guess we'll do a second slideshow for those who weren't here. Alright, what's your plan now? How are you going to get that scepter from Loki? Well, I just let the Avengers Endgame play out.

Yep. Okay. Well done. Except maybe because... Yeah. Now they're going to go, so this is our plan. Because I don't know that this plot... See, my knowledge of the future

is only up until Infinity War because that's what I lived. Yes. So now that I'm back to... Joel Duescher, head of S.H.I.E.L.D., since you are the most senior member of S.H.I.E.L.D. that we know to, we are now high upcap America.

We are now going to... You are now taking uh reins of this operation because you are the most cleverest man here sorry incorrect no because uh at this point shield is defunct shield is still yes in my timeline where i'm from yes but in your sneaky hyd No, that's the point. Cap says, polishing his shield, narrowing his eyes. Joel Dusha missed the whole Hydra thing. The Hydra thing. It happened all around him. You'd get, I don't know, mixed stamps, and you'd get the Hydra tentacle, and you're like, whose is this?

But they also wouldn't listen to my orders because Nick Fury is in 2012. Oh, that's true. But they didn't listen to Nick Fury. You're here. Where was Nick Fury? Oh, wait. He also, oh, that's true. But they didn't listen to Nick Fury. You're here. Where was Nick Fury? Oh, wait. He also Oh, no.

He also left me in charge of this operation. I've never seen you get so tired. It's also funny how much time we've wasted arguing. Since you were vanished at the start of Infinity War, and presumably all the terrible things that you did to that universe happened still.

So they were like, oh, it's this cunt. I'm trying to save the other timeline. Yeah, we can fix this one at least. Yeah, like how you saved Sokovia. Good job. Hey, Magneto was killed. That's good. Everyone's happy about that. He saviour of Sokovia.

Everyone loved him. Baron Zemo stabbed him in the neck with a plastic fork. Yeah, it was a tragedy. So, you've got to get the scepter and the tesseract. The tesseract, S.H.I.E.L.D. has. And the scepter. Well, getting the thing S.H.I.E.L.D. has is easy. I am an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

You're just going to go and be like hail hydra apparently why just walk in and i'm like hey i'm your boss still because remember when i was in charge of the give me the tesseract thanks robert redford fuck off these are mine yeah and then i have those hey wait because this is our timeline Aren't these sentinels attacking? Isn't Kitty Pryde pulling out the heart of a god right now? Yeah. Oh, yeah. In fact, it's not what happened at all.

It's something far stranger. We come back to a very different battle of New York. You come back to Kitty Pryde standing there traumatized with a heart in her hand. Wolverine inside out. I can only assume because Magneto got a bit uppy. Yeah. Cool. Well, I guess Loki's dead.

You just bend down and pick up the fight. Right. We got these two. Let's go. Let's go back to the present. Okay. Right, we got these two. Let's go. Let's go back to the present. Okay, cool. Traumatized deeply after the Battle of New York. Everyone's like, I thought it went differently.

I'm like, no. Not even close. So now the two other stones that we need to go back in time to get are the one that Dingus collects. It's funny that in this situation we're not protecting. We've skipped Infinity War. Because we're not defending the stones. I'm just like

no, I want them. Absolutely. What happens if I get all the Infinity Stones? Well, you get to make a click, baby. Exactly. We go back in time. I do the same thing as Thanos. Oh, that's so much less stressful. So we go back to the present.

Everybody got turned into dust. Okay, so you now currently have the time gem. Yeah. You have... The space gem. The space gem. And the mind gem. And the mind gem. So you got three, and we need three.

Yeah. And Thanos has. Thanos currently has three, but if we go back in a different time and collect them ourselves. Yeah. All right. How do we get these boys? All right.

So vision gets created because of Sokovia. Does that still happen? No. No. Vision doesn't exist. No. No vision. Oh, wait. No, but I've got that stone anyway because in the scepter all you need you need the one that um the the the space stone

yeah you need the one up uh uh the nova core have yeah you need the space nazi one yeah um and the one the collector has yeah so we gotta to space, baby. Lucky I've got the space stone and I can just click it or whatever. Am I friends with Thor? No. No, I don't think so. Oh, no, that's right. I killed his brother. He hates me.

He's not super jazzed about you. He hates you. Thor Ragnarok was a different film. Also, S.W.O.R.D. currently hates you. Yeah. And I think maybe the Guardians of the Galaxy. They don't know about you. No, Drax does. Yeah, they hate you. Yeah. And I think maybe the Guardians of the Galaxy. They don't know about you. No, Drax does.

Yeah, they hate you. I want to know a year-long road trip with that man. No, maybe he likes you. You're all right. The Guardians like you. Drax dropped out of space. He wasn't in the car with Dusha. Drax doesn't like you.

How are we going to get to space, dude? I got the space stone. How do you use it? We figured it out to open the portal and shield, so I guess I'll just do that again. Okay, just crack it like an egg. Opens up. I'm like, oh, yeah, sweet.

Everyone in. All right. Okay, let's go. Okay. Hey, we're at the- That temple that Star-Lord was at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing his dance.

Is that where we're going to get that one? Yeah, we'll get that one first. It's in a thing that we know we can touch. Yeah, I'll shoot Star Lord with a handgun. I'll punch him in the stomach. You can take the gun off with a sword or whatever. Hey, I've not been paying heaps of attention. I'm going to steal his helmet so I can breathe in space.

I would love to not be choking. Very purple. space. I would love to not be choking. Very purple. I thought it was more important to shoot this man than to breathe. Why are we here? I get the stone. Maybe you die.

She's gotta get me back quick enough. I'm six. Six. Alright. That was easy. Wait, did any of us I'm six. All right. All right. That was easy. That was easy. Is that stone? Yep.

Wait, did any of us have a hand that they could put into the thing to get the stone? Oh, what do you need to do? Oh, that's all right. We'll probably just use Star-Lord's arm and just whack it out. Yeah. Because remember, it disintegrates into his arm. Whatever, just slam it out.

He's already dead. Use his face. I don't care Jam Star-Lord You grab him by the legs and swing him Like a bat This is going to be a fucked up thing For the Nova Corps Or the space cops

Or whoever they were to come in There's never going to be a Who are you? I'm Star-Lord They're just going to open up and be like Someone shot this man. With a regular bullet. Not even a space bullet. And a disintegrated part of him.

His head is gone. Who is this fuck? Who did this? Alright, so... So we accidentally killed a... Isn't he like an elder god? He's half a celestial. Oh yeah, he can't die. He can die.

He can't die. What happens if we shoot him in the heart? No, that's the thing. So he's there making an owl, and then we push his face in his stomach. So we permanently disfigure him. Don't come get us. That's what I'm whispering. Don't blame us.

This is good for the universe. This was a Thanos. We're Thanoses. Got it, whispering. Don't blame us. This is good for the universe. This was a Thanos. We're Thanoses. Got it, boys. Don't worry. He thinks Thanoses did this. All right, let's go get that Power Boy. I think it's in Natalie Portman or The Collector,

depending at what point you want to jump into Thor 2. Yeah. Also, Thor 2 is different as Loki's dead. What did Loki then do? Ah, the Dark Elf probably still wanted it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the Aether is still in Natalie Portman because she gets out on Earth, I think. Yeah. She gets it in London, yeah. And Loki spends most of his time in jail.

Yeah. It's a big obelisk or whatever. Isn't it in her blood? Oh, we gotta go get some leeches and drain Natalie Portman. We're gonna get the- Thor's really

gonna hate me now. The reality stone in leeches. So we go, hold Natalie Portman down, put leeches on her body, come back and we get a jar of red leeches. That'll be our stone. Then we're just going to get the last stone,

which... Okay. Space Nazi. How do we learn that? Vormir. Yeah, but who tells them that? Doesn't Nebulae? Yeah, if she figures it out off-screen. Well, Nebula would have come back with...

Oh yeah, Gamora, sorry. But Nebula knows as well, and she would it out off screen. Well, Gamora does. Oh, yeah, Gamora, sorry. But Nebula knows as well, and she would have come back with Tony Stark from fighting Thanos on the planet. You know what I mean? She only knows because Gamora told her. Shit, and the Guardians of the Galaxy hate you. Star-Lord looks like Ghost Rider now, and it's my fault.

But, hey, at least he learns he's immortal early. Yeah, exactly. That's true. He might side he learns he's immortal early. Yeah, exactly. That's true. He might side with his dad now, though. Yeah, that's a bit of a worry. Maybe he becomes a planet now, too. That's tomorrow's problem. All right, we've got five stones.

Okay. Is that enough? No, we need one more. You also need a gauntlet. Oh, man. None of us are tech geniuses and we don't want to work with Tony Stark. I went to Kmart and got this fingerless glove.

That'll do. Jackson, you're in charge of the snap. Oh, no. So much pressure. Got to make a good wish. We need the sixth boy. Okay, fuck. We've got the glove, though.

Jackson, you're going to be doing the snap. Okay. All right, my plan to get the- How do we find out about the space Nazi? Just call S.W.O the glove, though. Jackson, you're going to be doing the snap. Okay. All right. My plan to get the- How do we find out about the space Nazi? Just call S.W.O.R.D. Okay. Just nut up. Say sorry.

They'll understand. Ring, ring. Hello, S.W.O.R.D. Hey, S.W.O.R.D., it's Joel Dusha, agent of you. Oh, you. You again. Look, I've called for two reasons. Okay. One okay one we're listening you're on speakerphone hello everyone drax is here he's unhappy yeah drax is in the other room having a cry because

you called you really hurt him man i look i'm calling for two reasons. One, to just let you know how sorry I am. And look, I'm sad that Drax can't hear this. Yeah, Drax, come in here. You'll want to hear this. Drax, and to everyone at Sword, I'm just so, so sorry. You hear some heavy breathing, another line. Angry, heavy breathing. Hi, Peter Quill here.

Fuck, hang up. Dude, heavy breathing. Hi, Peter Quill here! Fuck, hang up! Dude, hang up! It's cool that that implies it was on speaker on this side as well. So, sword isn't going to work. All right, cook that option. Peter, we were tracing the call. Why did you say anything? Presumably eventually Nebula

Would find because that's still happening as well Right They went back in time too Didn't they So I guess Gamora Still dies Yeah We gotta go before he like that happens though

Well if we just get back in time to Thanos and follow Thanos. Well, at some point, because we're from the future where the snap happens, so we would know about the Space Nazi. Yeah, that's true. Hey. Because it's already happened. We would know because that's what old mates have said. Yeah.

We know what's happened. Space Nazi. We've got a Space Nazi plan. You know about it. So I just crack open the space stone again and jump in. You can breathe in this one now. Yes. I was very in pain from the last one.

My blood got heavy. Are we going at the same time as Black Widow and Hawkeye, just a bit behind them? Yeah. Don't worry about it, guys. We got this. No. What do we got to do, Space Nazi?

Can I just kick Jackson's wheelchair off the cliff? Hey, I have the glove, you fucking idiot. Yeah, but I got a two-pack. Gloves come in pairs, idiot. Did I have the gems, though? Doesn't matter. Okay, so I am dead at the bottom of the pit. Do I get the soul stone?

No, because you didn't love me. I'm going to go get these stones. Walk back down, walk back up. It's so funny to imagine, like, a really long path. Your head just cracked open. Still a bit alive Ow Shut up Why

I thought I could trick them I'm in such pain That's a huge fall I took all of the weight on my head The wheelchair hit me on the head You did this. Bring me back up. Just bandage your head.

Start wheeling your back up. I cannot believe this. Alright, three of us there. Edge of a cliff. A space Nazi next to us. Right, what do we do, boys? Jackson, you love things that are bad, yeah?

Yes. And then I point to space Nazi. I love all beings. And then I put my fingers in his nose like a bowling ball and yeet him off the edge. You get the soul stone. Woo! Thank God I have enough love for everybody.

You're a lover of all things bad. It's true. Yeah. All right, we've got all the stones. We've got all the six stones. What are we doing? Time to fight. We're going to put them in my glove.

Yep, Jackson, time to snap. What am I, snap? Would you ask or would you have just snapped? I probably just snapped to fix my legs. Still got that gaping head wound. What are we doing? I stand up. That hurt.

Hey. My arm is charred. All right. You got stuck in an endless loop of snapping to fix the arm you just damaged. Guys. Give me some direction here. All right. You get stuck in an endless loop of snapping to fix the army, just damage. Guys! Give me some direction here. It's more like the giant power surge is happening every time, fixing, destroying and fixing. It's great to imagine having the big fight,

you know, like the big fight Captain America has against Thanos, but, like, the moment Thanos hits one of us, which is down. Like, on one side, Thanos' army from the past come in the other side. Captain America's armies are coming in and you're just clicking in the middle. Guys, hurry up. I wish that this war is done. I wish the war is done. Did you say the war is done?

I wish the walrus done there is a bead of black a bead of white then we are back on earth what has happened did you say you wish the walrus done I think I

my tongue slipped did you just make a walrus extinct I think that's the most reasonable guess What has happened? Googling Is the walrus done?

Just getting the answer back, yes I think I did it No! We've fixed time Um I guess We've fixed time Um I guess I'm trying to figure out if people have been dusted still

But just really Just walruses I just got rid of them I think Okay That fight's still happening somewhere That's a worry. Where are the stones now? Well, surely I still have the glove, right?

Yeah. Okay. For some reason, without walruses, we are not in space. I noticed that. Let's give that another whack. Crack open the space stone. Sorry boys! I have some bad

news. It's good to end in the middle of that massive fight. I have some bad news about walruses. Time out. Alright, I want to raise your hand. Who here is a fan of walruses? Everyone puts their hand on. Oh, you are not going to be pleased with me.

So, good news, bad news. Anyway, I wish Thanos was inside out. His organs fall to the floor. Cool. Blood everywhere. I know I can fix this problem problem I click again Turn every one of Thanos' allies

Into a walrus Yes There you go They're in space and die again instantly Fuck Now there's air there There's air There's air

Alright That's But the ones that were flying are falling Are you doing it like In terms of So the big worm boys, that's just a big walrus? Yeah, size matters.

So all the little walrus inside the big walrus die instantly because a walrus cannot live inside a walrus. But the Avengers won. And now we have this delicious walrus meat. In space. Yeah. Take all of the stones off the glove, put them in a plastic bag that's a bit wet and hand it back to you.

You saved the day this time instead of cooking it like always. Yeah, well done. I did it. Congrats, man. Nothing bad happened. Only good things this time. Standing in a field of decaying. It's already going off.

I think I did it wrong. Are these walruses sentient? Like, have the brains of the aliens, or are they just straight-up walrus? I think, I suspect, now that I don't have the glove on. Well, I have the glove on, but there are no stones in it. It's just a rubber glove. I have cold hands.

I suspect they're just walruses. We're going to need to get people to ship these back to Earth if we're going to have any hope of, you know, rekindling that. Anyway. Hey, Doctor Strange, can you open some walrus portals? Let's go home. Crack open the space stone like an egg to your office. Can you open some walrus portals? Let's go home. Crack open the space stone like an egg to your office.

Put my feet on the desk. Good job. Well done. Throw the stones in a waste paper basket. Sorted. Looking at it being like, shouldn't you give them to someone? Nah. Nah.

Who am I going to give them to? Maybe I'll give them to the ancient one. That's fair, dude. I go back Maybe I'll give them to the ancient one That's fair dude I go back in time Give them to the ancient one Stuck in 2012 Good This is good for me I did it

It took 300 episodes and I finally figured out How to be a better Nick Fury than Nick Fury You did it man, congrats Thank you, thank you so much And on that note I've been Joel Dusha, Agent of S Nick Fury. You did it, man. Congrats. Thank you. Thank you so much. And on that note, I've been Joel Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've been Jackson Bailey, just Jackson Bailey. And I've been Joel Zamet. Joel Zamet.

Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com,

and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. Good night forever. Kisses.