Plumbing the Death Star - Monsters Inc/U what?! (Feat. Handsome Tom)

Episode Date: July 9, 2017

In which our heroes enroll in scaring college, yell at a mechanical child, and join a workforce that exploits children as we ask Monsters U What?! Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Make war, not love. Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, Monsters Inc. slash you what? So, I have just a multitude of beefs. Beefs. I've got a lot of beef with the Monster UU. So I think my first thing, and I realized this recently, and this is the...

Oh, no. Monster's Inc. UU. The Moo. The Moo. The Moo Universe. No, just The Moo. The Moo universe. No, just the Moo. The Moo universe would be the Moo. All right, let's just take timelines,

because I feel we've got a lot of problems with different timelines, because I know I have a problem before Monsters U starts. I have problems after Monsters Inc. First off, now that their society have discovered children laughing, it powers up their machines. Yep. like a hundred times faster than screams. Yes? Yeah. Absolutely.

And it's real easy to make a child laugh. That's an infinite resource. You can always make children laugh. There's a lot of children. I think that's the point. I think it's like the sun. It's not going to go away in our lifetime. And also it's like, not just that,

but they also have something that can harness it Real well Well what I think is interesting is that the Monsters Inc Harvesting tubes Or whatever the fuck those containers are Harvest both screams and laughs Like is that not interesting They're an audio based energy system

They harness sound Because it harnesses a scream Obviously and you fill up one tank But then when they laugh all the tanks fill up. Yes. And how about this fucking hot dick of a thing? In Monsters U, they get adult screams, and it blows the power of the university.

So a laugh is 10 times as powerful as a scream. An adult scream is like 40 times as powerful as a child scream. So imagine an adult's laugh. Exactly. Is it because it's harder to scare an adult. So imagine an adult's laugh. Exactly. Is it because it's harder to scare an adult and also make an adult laugh? I assume so. No, it would be easier to make an adult laugh.

No, I feel like we're not for the monsters, though. Potentially. Sally's going to have to get up there and be like, what's the deal with the avocado toast? Exactly. Well, couldn't they just be sneaky and just hang out at a theatre or a comedy club and just stick little hoes up there and be like, let's get some laughs.

Pipe it back in. Let's hope it's Chappelle the night. It'll be real good. But that would be bad because if an adult scream blows the power of the university, an adult's laugh may overload a city block. I imagine it's kind of like nuclear reactors. So the problem that Monsters, Inc. U is happening now is that they're facing a problem where they might have an abundance of power.

Yeah, which is a problem I don't think any particular society ever has faced. It's kind of like if we as humanity managed to, like, use the sun for everything. Yeah, yeah, effectively. Yeah. And it's just like, well... Is that a bad thing? Infinite power? I don't know.

I don't know. It sounds like it could be fraught with problems, but because it's something that we've never had to face as a people... So is it a case of that it would only become a problem if the demand dropped and they were overstocked? Yeah, well, I guess that's the issue, isn't it? And also, would it tank the economy? Because presumably monsters... And also now, because everything you need to do

is those energy tubes, you could do a lot in that whole state or that whole country is now you could just start going everywhere you could explore everything because you have a constant power source there's no limitations now so no but if you wanted you just tie a child up and go driving

and then every time the car breaks down you just tickle the child well I was thinking that Mike Wazowski has a car in the post credits little short or something for Monsters, Inc. Is that car powered by laughs? Or is that car powered by just diesel from when the monster dinosaurs died? Well, so this is the thing.

If their cars are powered by fossil fuel, why have they not been using fossil fuel as energy? Yeah, exactly. Why? I think it's everything. No, because it is. There's that bit in the ad, the Monsters, Inc. ad. It's like it powers your home.

It powers your car. Oh, that's true. Everything in the Monsters universe runs on screams. Yeah. How does that work, though? Well, that using... They've got Tesla cars, obviously. You're saying that was in an ad, yeah?

Yeah. So clearly they're selling this. So they're trying to replace what came before it, which would be the fossil fuels, which would be everything else. Why would you need to make an ad? Because my next question would be... No, I think it's the ad for Monsters, Inc., the company. I imagine, because there are other companies.

In Monsters, You, you learn there's Scream Factory. That's true. So I think it's an energy provider thing, like Orange and Energy, Red Energy in Australia. Okay, so it's not about... Because I was going to say, how did... This might be too early, but how did they find out that Scream's power these things?

I don't want to know. So before we go to that, though, let's just assume that maybe they're ads for using Scream tech, which is replacing what came before that. Yeah. Unless they're not Origin, they're not Telstra or all that. What I imagine, though, as we've established the other companies that exist, so Monsters, Inc. is advertising itself as the premier supplier of energy. Now that they've tapped into laughter,

they've annihilated the competition. Well, yeah, they're now a monopoly. It's Monsters' monopoly. They're the next Uber of, you know. Well, actually, if they don't leak that, if that industry secret doesn't get found out, then it's not about infinite power. It's just one company now controlling all the energy or a large portion of it and here's the thing at the end of monsters inc we assume that monsters inc

has a happy ending don't we we assume at the end of monsters inc hooray they've discovered that children aren't evil and instead of getting screams they get laughs and and well the other thing too is i feel like monsters inc is a company with Sully in charge probably wouldn't go. He's like the Elon Musk of Monsters, Inc. He's not going to be like, well, we won't tell anyone it's laughter. We're just going to hoard this resource for ourselves. He's like, no, you can have it for free. But that's still exploiting children is my point.

Yeah, no, it is. At no point, no. It's exploiting a different species It's like us exploiting puppies I suppose that's the thing If we found out that a puppy's bark Could power our car We would exploit puppies

Absolutely that's a good point How great to have your car and you've got a little puppy And you just jab it in the back There was a puppy like this There was? What? Like, not barking, but it was like... The breed no longer exists. I remember reading it's like, come on, memory don't fill me out.

There was a power puppy? Yeah, there was like wheels or something like that. Oh yes, there was, yes, I know exactly what you mean. So for turning the... Like a hamster wheel, think of a hamster wheel. Yeah, it was for turning... This might be getting it confused With a farsight cartoon

But for turning the Like crossing the mill or something Spit or something No it wasn't even for farsight Yeah a spit dog or something like that Spit dog it was for turning like a spit Like a rotisserie Yeah like a rotisserie

They bred a specific dog that you would have working for you And it would just be like a power source Like it runs? Yeah in like a hamster wheel And that, by means of cogs Turns a rotisserie or a spit And it's called a spit dog Maybe

Rotisserie pup So look, what we're saying is though Turn spit dog Turn spit dog Short legged long bodied dog bred to run on a wheel Called a turn spit Or dog wheel to turn on a wheel called a turn spit, or dog wheel, to turn meat.

And it's now extinct. Yeah. So, yes, we did this. We did this. So we've done what the monsters have done, but they're doing it more humanely because they're just making kids laugh. Yeah. Yeah, but it's still, like, I guess that's the weird moral question here,

is that is it still exploiting children if it's not negatively impacting them? And what's not to say? Because something I've always thought about Monsters, Inc. is that you can can make a child laugh but they do it in a very humane way they're like they're like people who have um like chickens that are free range yeah but is it not more efficient to get your chickens in a fucking tiny little so are you implying that monsters inc is the humane company yeah it is scream tech might become laugh tech and they just forcefully tickle children. Imagine that. You get a kid. You get one kid.

You put him in a room. You tickle that kid. That kid will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and piss itself and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh, but you'll have a year's worth of energy in a day. And then once it starts to cry, it'll get scared. So either way, you'll be getting energy. Yeah.

Why not? And then when it's no longer funny, you get rid of the kid. Because who cares? It doesn't matter. It's not part of your society. It's not a monster. It's good that Elon Musk runs Monsters, Inc.

Yeah. Yes. Because imagine if they discovered, if they found, I don't know, the documents from Monsters University and they were like, one adult scream is ten times as powerful. Then just kidnap a guy. Torture him. Power of the world.

Monsters, Inc. has always been the humane. Yeah. Like, they're going and trying to- Even when they were the evil company run by Slugworth or whatever his name was. Waternoose. They're going into Waternoose. He's the Waternoose. Well, no, because his thing was-

Actually, no, he became inhumane, didn't he? No, he became evil, but only because of the circumstances, because they got pressured into it because there was a shortage, a power shortage. That's true. With the laugh thing, you're never going to run out of power. And you're right. Before that shortage, they were the humane company.

Because they were going into kids' bedrooms, scaring them, getting that thing, and then chuffing off. Arguably, that's humane because they're not farming them. Well, they're not kidnapping. It's free range as opposed to battery. I'd kidnap a thousand children before I'd see this company die. they're not, like, farming them. Well, they're not kidnapping. Yeah. It's free range as opposed to battery. I'd kidnap a thousand children before I'd see this company die. Yeah. Well, yeah, he does.

He makes that line. But at a certain point, as a business owner, you've got to draw that line in the sand. If you're running a chickenery and you're losing money, you have firing employees, a lot of people's lives rest on your shoulders, a lot of people's livelihood, maybe you'll turn to battery farming.

Yeah. Because you have to. And if you're running a company, you're always looking at profit versus, you know, other problems. Like I was listening to another podcast called The Dollop. Yeah. And they were like talking about, I think it was the Ford Pinto. And they basically got rid of the bumper to make it like lighter.

But every time there was like a collision, like a back- a get back in the collision there was a chance that it would explode oh and so they were like okay we know how to fix this but like it's gonna like for like 13 per car we can recall them all and fix this right and it's like a bit of plastic so that yeah one of the like things doesn't like jam into the fuel injector and blow this fucking thing up it's 13 per car okay there's x many in the market so to recall that that's like like a hundred million or whatever like whatever yeah it was they're like or let's say how many accidents are there let's say like one in

let's say for every one of those that ends in like either death or injury that's like another subset let's say argue the out-of-court settlement of each one of those is around $250,000. In the end. So let's just do a quick math. It's actually cheaper if we say nothing. And they didn't until that memo got leaked to the press and they got fucked on good.

That's amazing. But that's basically, this is your problem of capitalism going bad, is that everything comes down to a dollar. And the life of a human for the Ford company at that point was about $250,000. Yeah. So what's the life of a... So what is the life of...

Not one of your members, not one of your members of your own race. Another fucking species. Because even now we're like, oh, what's the life of a chicken? Yeah. You know what I mean? I can go down to Colton and buy a chicken for $10. There's a weird swell within communities of people to want their free range.

Yes. So I feel like if a company like one of the rival Monsters, Inc. companies started farming kids for laughter or for screams or whatever, they'd be like an expose doco done by Heater. So instead of Peter, it'd be It'd be protection of, it'd be path. Path. Protection. Path.

That's so good. Good old. Good old path. So path, you know, would be. They'd be like, look at the exploitation of this particular company. But then like think about how many of like a subset of humanity have taken what Peter and other places who are like, we're doing ethical farming, all that kind of stuff. What's the number there?

I would say it's not huge. Like there is a market for it, but there's still people being like, well, I'm on this much money per week. I can't afford your fancy organic free range shit. Which is why Elon Musk running Monsters, Inc. is perfect because he gives it away for free. That's potential, yes. Isn't that what Sully was doing? Is they give it away for free to people? People pay for energy?

Like, is that how it works? Did you pay for Scream? You'd have to. You would have to pay for Scream. Otherwise, there's no economy. I'm assuming that at a certain point, the Screams... No, it is. Because there's that whole bit where they walk to work to save Scream.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now, we have the opposite problem of that whole industry, if now Elon Musk is running Monsters Inc. It's Sully. It's not actually Elon Musk. Guys, it's not actually Elon Musk.

But he's the Monsters Inc. I'm aware I was going in with your... God damn it. Zammett, you do know that Elon Musk isn't in Monsters Inc., right? He's not a monster. He's a man. If an Elosk... Elon Mollusk is what he'd be called.

He would be the Elon Musk of... He's a squid that's like, I'm going to give away free energy. So if he's giving away free energy, it's going to create another problem. It's going to be a different problem. And that whole industry is going to be tanked because I guess they're all using the same technology

of that scream converter. There's no patents there. That same thing can be used to harness laughs. So there's going to be an abundance of energy. So what the fuck does that mean? It's going to mean that the other people like the scream factory and scare tech and all those other industries,

a lot of people are going to lose their jobs. We're looking at a Great Depression. No, but no. It'll start as a Great Depression and then it'll No no it'll be both It'll be like Melbourne in the 18 whatever's When the gold rush hit

Was at one point Both one of the Richest wealthiest cities in the world And also had some of the Poorest people living in it. Wow. So the Monsters U, the M-I-U-U, Meow.

Could potentially be a, the middle class wouldn't exist. No. Oh, wow. You'd have people in a utopian kind of society and then people who wouldn't be able to embrace that or work for companies that just went defunct and couldn't work anymore. Because this is the thing, right?

Monsters, Inc. implies, right, that every monster that has trained how to be a scarer is also good at making people laugh. However, that's not true. There are some monsters who are innately and inherently scary and cannot make a child laugh. That guy no longer has a fucking job. Well, now we get on to another Monsters, Inc.

Are you mew what? So at the end of Monsters, Inc., right, Sully and Mike swap jobs. Well, Sully becomes the CEO. Well, Sully becomes the CEO. Oh, Sully becomes the CEO. But still, Mike has to learn a whole new skill. You're right, there's a whole bunch of people. Well, Mike, it's implied that Mike doesn't have to

learn a whole new skill set because he is innately hilarious. But then if you watch Monsters University, Mike has spent his whole life wanting to be a scarer. And then learns that he can't. He's a much better manager. Yes. But then he's not in Monsters, Inc. He becomes a laugher. So it implies that...

It's okay, because it just means that he wasn't... He's not cut out to scare, but he is cut out to make people laugh. And that's... Let's just take a fictional monster we can kind of make up. Let's just call him Scary McScareface. Scary McScareface, goes to Scary McScareface he goes to Monsters U

and he's like yeah I'm real good I'm like the top of my class I imagine also he's terrifying he's terrifying oh absolutely he's one of those monsters

you know how like Monsters Inc you have and I'm sure we'll cover this because there's another one you've got the goofy monsters you've got the semi-goofy monsters and then you've got the nightmare monsters

like the Dean Hardcastle of Monsters University and Bloody Waternoose where you're like that's just an actual monster. Or Randall who could become fucking invisible and just be teeth. Okay, we're talking like some kind of black. You watch Legion?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That. Oh. That, right? Oh, yucky. Okay.

Okay. So, yeah, David's monster, as it were. So that is a scary McScareface. He's like, I'm spooky as shit. I leak black ooze everywhere I walk. I'm terrifying. I'm nightmare incarnate. And he's amazing. He's so fucking good at his job. And not only is he good at scaring

naturally, he's also, he knows the techniques. He's good at all, because there's a book learning side. He has the natural aptitude, but also he's a very fast learner. So he has the technique.itude, but also he's a very fast learner. So he has the technique. He's like your LeBron James of scary. He has the natural ability to be the athlete,

but he's also dedicated enough. Yep. He's the Usain Bolt. Yeah. He's the Usain Bolt of scary. He's so fucking scary. And then he gets a job at one of the best scaring companies. He's been paid top dollar.

He's getting so much money. He's working at Montezinc probably. Working at Montezinc. He's one of their best. Top on the scaring floor. And like, my top dollar. He's getting so much money. He's working at Monsters, Inc. Probably. Working at Monsters, Inc. He's like one of their best. Top on the scaring floor. And like, my God. And then you were like, what? Scaring is no longer viable.

We have to make him laugh. He's like, okay, I'll give it a try. I'll give it a try. Everyone still screams. Yes, he's still getting like a little bit of energy because that was- But unfortunately- Unfortunately.

But Monsters, Inc. have said, it's not humane. We're not scaring children anymore. Yeah. You're fired. Unless you get picked up by have said it's not humane. We're not scaring children anymore. You're fired. Unless you get picked up by, you know, Fiatag, who are still doing their stuff, who don't know that laughing causes better. To be honest, you get a weird influx,

because let's assume that in the world of Monsters, Inc., there are third world countries still. Yeah. So that means that you'd probably get this influx of monsters that can no longer scare. I mean, yeah, like... That can only scare. Can only scare.

Funnelling into these third world countries to provide, like, you know, unsafe power. So the Russia of the Mew. However, how quickly will it come out if you just make... So quick. Especially if you have Elon Mollusk running the Monsters, Inc. Because he's going to tell everybody. He's going to tell everyone. They're like, you know, laughter is real good.

And then suddenly everyone's like, oh, laughing. Shit, my God. Not only is it twice, it is ten times as powerful. It's an interview because there's that interview with Time magazine or whatever it is in the end with Mike's face has got the barcode over it. It's like the new CEO and they talk about laughter. Right. It's a world. it's not a secret.

Monsters, Inc.'s profits would skyrocket, and people are like, why? They interview them, they go, the secret is we make them laugh. And employees would be getting fired. The secret would be out very quickly. So all of a sudden, all those other companies are like, right, we're going to do what Monsters, Inc. does,

because that's what companies do. You copy the guy that's working. You copy the top dog. And because you have so much power, and remember, Scariface is being bounced around. Yeah, he copy the top dog. And because you have so much power. And remember, Scary McScareface is being bounced around. Yeah, he's being bounced around because he's got no job. And then if you talk about in the larger scale of things,

so every industry that there has been designed and made and used and is being kind of operating on the assumption that they're getting powered by screams, which has a certain kind of price you know, price and also a certain kind of limit. So like they're manufacturing clothes, which we'll get into. They're manufacturing clothes, say, for example, say I'm a humble, I close manufacturing like textile tarantula.

And it's like, cool. I've got this company and I get my screen power. I plug it in and I'm able to power my company for whatever. But now I can get laughter, which is going to be arguably cheaper and also a lot more... You can buy less of it. And there's a lot of it as well. Because you don't need to buy...

You can buy less and power more. Yeah, but is this not a problem? So I ain't no electrician, right? I'm no fancy electrician. But if I take something that has 10 times the power and I plug it into something designed to handle... No, no, no. You'd plug in less.

Because you're also using the canister still. So say you need one canister to power your shop on screen. You now have something that is ten times better. But would not the infrastructure be that Monsters, Inc. collect their power? Then they send that power to a power like a grid that then spreads out to the... Yeah, but they'd just be sending out less. And also, like, they don't have to redesign a converter. Because the converting screams to energy is in that canister.

But to convert laughter to energy is also that canister. It's the same process. And I don't know, in the end of Monsters, Inc., do they change canisters? No. I don't remember. It's all audio-based. Yeah, so they're using the exact same... So basically, like, I'm now... And I don't know, in the end of Monsters, Inc., do they change canisters? No. I don't remember. It's all audio based. Yeah. So they're using the exact same.

So basically, like, I'm now. Raw laughter powers stuff because they make Boo laugh and all the doors light up. Yeah, that's true as well. So raw laughter. Also powers things. So, like, if a child, because when she's in the house and she starts to laugh, the lights all blow in their house. So you don't need to convert necessarily.

You just got to, you'd actually be doing it. But in terms of if you were converting, it's the same process. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine this. Imagine somebody with a giant mansion living off the grid who just has a kid. The whole like, oh, I'm just going to go to the, like the, like not the pump house, but

the equivalent. There's just a child. You can live off the grid real easily. Yeah. You just get a kid. You just make him laugh occasionally in your whole house. It's like. And you adopted a child in there. You could live off the grid real easily. Yeah, you just get a kid. You just make him laugh occasionally and your whole house is like... And you adopt and care for him, I assume. Yeah.

If you want. If you want to be good, yes, but you don't have to be. You're a monster. All you know is scaring. And now... Oh, shit, guys. Okay, so one of the reasons that nobody was doing and kidnapping kids was because they were frightened. They were dangerous.

They were like, kids are dangerous. Child is a poison. However. Oh, no. Scaring the scare face is going to kidnap a child. Sully's like, hey, guys. Sorry, Elon Mollusk is like, hey, guys. Sully's there, too.

Sully came along. Elon Mollusk is probably the CFO. He's the chief financial officer. But they're like, hey, look, we use laughter. And guess what? Kids aren't even scary. They're people manufactured doors. They're not poisonous.

They go into the human world and they kidnap children. So you say, for example, I'm an energy salesman. I can just come up to you and be like, hey, do you want to buy my energy? You can just be like, I can steal my own kid. Yeah, I can steal my own kid. Whatever you're paying, I can get for free. Which is why Elon Musk is giving it away for nothing. So you want to buy my energy? You can just be like, I can steal my own kid. Yeah, I can steal my own kid. Whatever you're paying, I can get for free. Which is why Elon Musk is giving it away for nothing. So you have to.

At that point, you have to give away your energy for free to stop that. Yeah. The only thing would be, is there a regulation now on door usage? Well, that's another question. That would be the security. The security and door access would go off chops. If I'm a Joe Blow, can I get a door? You know, that's the question there.

Or a door is a technology just like a... The trans-dimensional abilities for monsters to punch through like the Stranger Things rifting space to our world. What if Scammy's scare face was the Stranger Things monster? Like, he'd be fucked. Yeah. Oh, he can't come in there and be like, hey, what are you think about airline food?

Why are peanuts so tiny? Who are they trying to keep up? I fell over and I turned into liquid and now I'm growing again. What a funny thing. What if Slender Man tried to make you laugh? If Slender Man came up to me and put a clown nose on his face, I'd laugh. I'd be like, that's alright Slender Man. You did me and then put a clown nose on his nose face, I'd laugh. I'd be like, that's all right, Slender Man. You did it.

And then he killed you. You're not one of those monsters. Just while we're on the tangential topic of laughing and scaring, in the MIUU, the MU would go broke. Yeah, I was thinking that. Teachers would get fired and new people would have to come in to teach people how to laugh. Hard Scrabble only knows how to teach people how to be scared yeah society wait wait hang on hey fuck so you know society would change so so yeah so we're like

scaring children is a bad thing it is socially wrong yeah yeah you have people who were their whole life absolutely that they that It's an industry It is the industry That is only your profession That is your prestige Like my father was this My That's like

Weirdly kind of finding out Like overnight That what you're doing Is extremely racist Yeah that's true It's like discovering That oh my family Like first generation

Like people in this country Then you find out No they just owned First generation people In this country They were slave traders Fuck Yeah no, they just owned first generation people in this country. They were slave traders. Well, no, you know what it is? It's slavers all of a sudden, like, kids of slavers being like, oh, yeah, my dad's really rich.

He runs, like, a merchant company. And then all of a sudden, it's illegal now. And going, oh. Somebody's just, like, revealing to you how terrible it is. And you're like, I have no idea. I think they love being slaves. Not only does Scary McScareface no longer have a job he now has a drinking problem because he's like

my whole life is a lie and I was doing an awful thing. Yeah! But it's not as cut and dry because slavery is I mean like we all know why slavery is not cool Just checking everyone in the room.

We're down to that. Is that about skull shape? Is that still the modern science? Yeah, imagine if someone's response to that question was, oh, what? I thought it was like, there's some grey area. I thought it was like, sometimes it's cool, sometimes it's not. I didn't think slavery was literally black and white.

That's not. I didn't think slavery was literally black and white. That's funny. But with monsters, it's not other monsters. No, it's literally like cattle. Yeah, it's like finding out that you're like, you would go and say, you went to work every day and you kicked a dog and the dog made a noise and you're like, that noise is good for the dog. And you find out, no, that's real bad for the dog.

But you don't find that out because the only reason that... So here's what I'm saying. If I was... Say I'm Scaring McScareface. I've lived my whole life. My prestige is that scaring children is good. Right? And then someone's like, scaring children is not only less effective, it's wrong.

I have no evidence as to why that's wrong. So politically. You get literally factions of like a One Nation or like Donald Trump-esque parties being like, no, make monsters scream again. Like, because you'd be like, who the fuck are these people coming in and thinking that laughing, screaming works.

Doesn't screaming work? Well, because what you do is it's get the argument that we have now where you have the fossil fuel industry fighting the renewable energy. You'd have the screaming industry fighting the laughing industry. They'd be like, oh, you're more efficient. Yeah, sure, whatever. That's fake. I want to see evidence. I want to see evidence.

We've got all the evidence here. Not bad luck. We're more efficient. You'd have to have Government subsidies Being like They would be pumping money Into the scream industry Absolutely Yeah there'd be people

Who'd be like Running campaigns Like trying to kill The electric car Running campaigns Trying to kill laughter Because as we were saying It's an industry

Because you have Monsters University And that's one of Many universities And that's like A university And all they Is it all they teach At universities To become a screamer No no You can learn all they teach at universities is to become a screamer?

No, no. You can learn how to build doors, learn how to be a scream tank handler, all those kind of things. But it's basically if... The entire university is based around learning... How to use power. Learning how to be in the scaring industry.

It's kind of like more of a TAFE than a university. It's like a TAFE or an arts college where it's specifically, you can do anything within here, but if you want to learn how to be a doctor or a chef, you need to go to another school. Go somewhere else. Okay, cool, cool, cool. But there are many of those particular universities, which means that more than any arts universities

or TAFE courses or art schools. And this monsters university, as we can see by the amount of deans it's had, it's old. Yeah. And you're just fucking it off with one decision. And if there's one thing, and depending on how Monsters Society works compared to, say, human society,

is tradition is something that's hard to change. Yeah. There'd be traditionalists who'd be like, laughter, scream is good because it's innately who we are. Yeah, it's pure. And you'd be pure. But this produces more energy. But yes, but you're diluting.

You know, it's MC gone mad. Monster correctness gone mad. It's like political. No. Well, see, what happens though is like just again, do you know who else doesn't have a job now? Who's that? The CDA Because the children aren't toxic or dangerous anymore

The entire government organisation Of the monster FBI They don't have jobs anymore It's not a more realistic situation Sully's like, guess what? Child energy, it's great Sully gets shot, mysteriously And they're like, guess what? Child energy, it's great. Sully gets shot mysteriously.

And they're like, nope, they were wrong. They were so wrong. Turns out it's less effective. And your Joe Blow Monster's like, okay, fair enough. Can you not imagine, like, as soon as that news breaks, Laugh is more powerful, you're just like, they just go to Roz and she's like, we have to

shut them down exactly code alpha beta 7 kill Sullivan Annie Han but they don't have jobs what are they

going to do actually they become the people that then police how the doors are used. Yeah, that's true. Because, yes, like, Sully might be assassinated and all that kind of stuff, but the thing is, like, they've gone public. They've gone public

with their knowledge that laughter is basically the cure of their energy problems. And it's like, if you assassinate Sully, then it's, again, it's too late. There will be people out there who is going to be doing anything. And it's like, if you assassinate Sully, then again, it's too late. There will be people out there who is going to be doing anything, because it's not just a little bit more cost effective to get kids laughing.

It is so much cost effective. Because how do they cover up... It's more cost effective and more powerful. You know what you do? How do they cover up adult screaming? Well, that's what I was thinking. So say I'm fear tech, and I'm like, we can't make kids laugh. But I'm like, but I know another tech And I'm like We can't make kids laugh But I'm like But I know

Another power source Another energy source Is to make adults scream So then Instead of going to kids rooms We go to adults rooms And we like stab them Or something

Well no You literally just get Slender Man to stand At the end of a bed You scare the shit out of an adult Yeah They scream You collect that

And instantly Because your average monster Doesn't care about humans No They just don't Again it, it's literally like fish. Yeah. So it's meaningless to them. I've got a lot. I've got fish because some people have feelings for other animals, but fish I think universally just seen as like, eh, whatever. You can't say dog, you can't say cat, you can't say a fucking parrot because we have them as pets. There is no monster that is using this as a pet.

It's a fishing industry. Same with cattle. Even though we do that, we still interact with them. This is just something. It's not even fish. It's like other. Do you know what it is? It's literally like plants. It's like using plant

based stuff. Because you're like, whatever. How's insects? Maybe. Not even insects. No, because I don't know how vegans feel about it. Would a vegan eat a grasshopper? No.

I'd say it's plants. Plants is the way to go. Yeah, it's plant based. So humans are bananas. Humans are bananas. Or a fruit. Yeah. So if I was Fiatac,

I'd just start human screams. And then eventually, I mean like adult screams. And then the laughter industry falls by the wayside. Well, no, but then the laughter industry go, if adult screams, it becomes an arms race. Yeah, it does. Because then what happens is you literally get that thing

that's happening at the moment where you have people being like, renewable energy is really good. And you have a government being like, no, it's not. Look how good coal is. Yeah. And eventually it's just too loud. Have they tried other things? Have they tried, like, tears, crying?

Well, no, I think crying would fall under the same category as screaming. Yeah, yeah. And I think the- I'm guessing CDA would have regulations about what you can and cannot do. Correct. Because, again, if we're looking at Monsters, Inc.

as the ethical company, that they're not kidnapping kids or whatever. You're telling me that Scream Tech, or maybe if there is a third world country where there's less regulations or say a Russia using less regulations be like, no, let us grab kid and let us do things on. Kid, let's poke

him with stick. What is that? The North Korea of Monsters, Inc. Yeah. That's just like a whole bunch of kids getting stabbed with forks. Yeah. Crying or screaming or whatever. And that's what powers their entire... So there'd have to be regulation. Oh.

It's a grisly world. It's bleak as fuck. It's like if we found like... Yeah. If we found a screaming fish that could power everything... We'd be farming the fuck out of that fish. We'd be farming that screaming fish. We'd be breeding that fish. And then be farming the fuck out of that fish. We'd be farming that screaming fish. We'd be breeding that fish.

And then we found out we tickled that fish. Oh, God, we'd be breeding that fish. We'd be breeding that fish. There'd be man farms on the Monsters, Inc. There's going to be a point where a company like FearTech or our evil Russian company starts farming people. Yeah, because that's practical. We can't. They're practical. We can't...

They're monsters. We can't fight them. No. And you've got to think, we're talking like this is bad. And their technology is far more advanced than ours because they have the ability to go trans-dimensional. Which is like another Monsters, Inc. walk

because what is that? How did that develop? Did that develop at the same time as Scream? Like Power? Or was that the first thing they had i reckon that's i reckon they discovered the ability to go through different dimensions first was that a discovery or is that like like where are the monsters well i imagine it's parallel universe it's like it's like the upside down in stranger things okay so i i like

to think that there are natural maybe there was once like natural portals to the human world back in the day. And that's how like these monsters, you know, in our society, we're like, oh yeah, monsters. The dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures were monsters coming back and forth through portals. Moving through. And like early man becomes scared of like, oh, there's the monsters out there in the dark.

That was the monsters fucking in and out. And eventually they're like, let's make this an industry. Because whatever, they start to develop their own portals To make the jump What stopped them coming here? I don't know well they said it was poisonous Well I think I think there was also the fear that Humans were dangerous because I imagine some monsters

Would come through and get killed Yeah of course What if so we're talking those deans Of like monsters there was a lot of them yeah Did they go say far back to maybe to maybe mid-16th century London? Holy shit, they go through, they get the plague. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

They got smallpox, they got viruses, and they assumed the kids killed them. Because there's a theory that's sort of largely that, and they're like, that's the reason why. When it's like, that's a 2319 or whatever, they shave that guy and they cover him. It's like all the stuff that you would do if you figured somebody might have the plague. Because get rid of the hair, talcum powder.

What's weird about that, though, is that that's centuries of... Well, if they can go through space, I'm assuming they can go through time. I don't think they can. Otherwise, why not go back to when, like, because they talk about it. They're like, ah, kids are too scared of video games. Oh, yeah. Because they go back to, like, the 20s.

They can't go through time. It's all right then. But I imagine at some point they've gone in there, and I reckon they've gotten sick, and they've assumed that they're getting sick from humans. I get this feeling that there is, like, a shadowy organization. Because, well, how many, look, how many kind of big problems like in terms of viruses that we've had in like...

Oh, we've had quite a few. Apart from the black plague that was sort of in, you know... It's mysterious. You've had Spanish flu, you've had smallpox. Fuck, even more recently, like, you know, SARS and fucking... Yeah, bird flu. ...swine flu and all that kind of shit. So there is...

I like how we got lazy and we just started naming the flu after the animal you get it from. It's all basically flu. I love that. What's that? It looks like- Yes, whatever, pig flu. Yeah, why was it called pig flu?

What's the one that- Oh, Zika virus? Yeah. There's probably- But it's weird that those viruses, which are because a virus is designed to target, you know, like us humans. It's weird that it would jump to monsters.

But it's a plague. Well, that's why the plague makes sense. But like bird flu is probably not going to target Sully. And then we get into the problem of like, what is the biology of a monster? It's something that targets Sully. Maybe the plague went over with monsters and really fucked them up and they didn't recover for years.

Like I'm talking longer than... So maybe humans worked out the bubonic plague cause. Yeah. And monsters never did. And it's like, what if the monster society was just decimated by the plague? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. More than decimated. Like, we're talking like-

But then how come nobody- The opposite of decimation. Like, 90% of them died. Yeah, correct. How come nobody in the hundreds, the centuries and centuries and centuries since the plague has gone back and been like, it's fine. Holy shit, it's fine. Do you want to risk it?

Well, white people would. Why would you not? That's centuries. Just statistically, it's likely that somebody's going to get in two fucking Monsters, Inc. movies, a monster gets trapped in the human world. So, like, it happens. And they don't get out sick.

And they all, like, what, a lucky break? Or are there some monsters out there being like, it's fine? Unless, like, the brainwashing is, like, it happens. And they don't get out sick. And they all, like, what a lucky break. Or there's some monsters out there being like, it's fine. Unless, like, the brainwashing is, like, when they're, like, younger is really fucking good to you. It's like, no, no, no, you go in there, you stay there, we bring anything back, it's bad for us, whatever, whatever. And, like, that's just drilled in and drilled in. But, like... So that makes the M-I-U-U a cult. But, like, you know, like, when you're younger, you're told, like, drugs are bad.

The moment you smoke that marijuana cigarette, you got crack and your brain's gonna pop and the moment you have your first drag you're like it didn't that was a lie what else is new yeah so i'm guessing there would be that same kind of concept where because surely there are people out there they're monsters in several hundred years you're right it has to just and not even necessarily going in and discovering but there'll be great thinkers out there, they're monsters. In several hundred years, you're right, it has to happen. Not even necessarily going in and discovering, but there'll be great thinkers out there who are like, well is that real? Does that actually check out? Monster offices. Yeah,

monster offices, absolutely. By the way, with big snouts. Like an elephant otter with fangs being like, hmm too scary to be. But surely there's somebody out there being like, I don't think that's the case.

I think we can go in there and we'll be fine. Nihilist monsters being like nihilists, whatever. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Let's get the flu. But there would be like risk-taking, because say we go to like a third world Monsters, Inc. country, like they're going to do like pirated energy, they're going to do pirated energy.

They're going to send people who aren't qualified through just at a risk. Surely someone's going to get touched by a kid or something like that. Come out and be like, I'm fine. And be like, I'm okay. Then why are people still scared in what is presumably the modern day? Propaganda? Well, yeah, we've only seen one country.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. There might be other countries who like- What if we've seen the North Korea? Oh, fuck. Wow. Ah, Jesus. Shit.

What if all the other countries are like- No, no. Because it's Time magazine. There's like clearly like- But I also just mean like if there were other countries that are like, no, just go in willy-nilly, then like in the human world, it wouldn't be such a shock to see a monster. And they also point out that the abominable snowman,

who is presumably our abominable snowman- Has been banished. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he knows the Loch Ness Monster too. There's a joke about Nessie, I think. Yeah, which is weird because the Loch Ness Monster is huge. So like how did it ever- Monsters biology. You got big ones, how did it ever... Monster's biology.

You got big ones, you got small ones, some are spheres. How do you make pants in that world and survive? I always assume... Economy question. No, back to biology. What happens if a Sully makes a love to a... What's going on? I always assume it's, like, genetics.

So, like, if you've got eye, and that's a dominant trait, you'll pass the one eye trait onto your... But if you have, say, you have sex with a five-eye person, and then they get pregnant, and that's dominant over the... You know what I mean? Yeah. Or do you meet in the middle and take the average of three? Oh, man.

I'm meeting the middle style biology i like i'm a fan of that no but i think that's it three arms two arms genetics i think if you and also i think physiologically not all monsters will be able to breed with all other forms is this kind of like the like what we're seeing now in the like using dogs again like how we've just like basically eugenic the fuck out of them and like we've got some problems are we seeing the problems like as monsters ink the me is that seeing the same problems of like dog breeding is where we're just getting real fucked up monsters well yeah i mean presumably if if the theory of if you've got one eye that's a dominant gene is correct then like eventually you could breed out useful things yeah just by nature of like

how quickly it must happen you know what i mean because to breed like a physical feature into a human being or a dog it takes yeah like a lot of generations but in the monster sink universe do it like that you could end up with no genitals like i assume mike sully like that just if your dad has no uh hang on yeah Yeah, Mike Kowalski. His mum is an orb. Is she? Yeah, you see her at the end of the first film. Okay, cool. So his mum's an orb. What's his dad?

Does the mum look like Mike? Yes. Exactly? Has horns one eye? Well, that's just weird. It's literally Mike, but a woman. Oh, that's just weird. Is it played also by Billy Crystal? Yes. And in the film, it is played by Billy Crystal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wager, though, that, back to the point, that there would be monsters that couldn't

actually reproduce with other monsters. For example, that guy who's a horseshoe, he's not going to be able to, like, fuck a water noose type monster. Do you know what I mean? But he could probably fuck a ball monster. Well, what's stopping him from fucking a water noose? Show you're working. I don't know, but I just... Well, to me it'd be like getting a chihuah could probably fuck a ball monster. Well, what's stopping him from fucking your water noose? Show you're working. I don't know, but I just... Well, to me it'd be like getting a

chihuahua to fuck a husky. Yeah, at one point that husky is going to rip that chihuahua in half. Yeah. No, because look, I'm going to do a little drawing. I don't want to see this little drawing. Because we got this horseshoe fella. I don't like that you've gone, I'm going to do a little drawing and we're talking about monsters fucking other monsters. Presumably his cock

dangles below his head, because that's just a reasonable place to put it. Right? Maybe. Under his hat. No, he's sometimes wearing. Is it his horns? Maybe it's in his mouth. Oh, we're talking about Mike?

Yeah. Mike's genitals probably hang below. I'm talking about, look up just the Monsters University characters. There's a guy who's a horseshoe. Right? He's Charlie Day. Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

But then Waternoose is like a big crab man Right like a big crab centaur Do you know who's actually the more interesting one to try to work out Oh yeah How does Mike have sex with Celia Art Because she's tentacles at the bottom Is it a dress or is it skin

I think it's skin Just look at snake hair Well that's fine Maybe it'll be like Because like a snake's vagina isn't visible Until it kind of just like opens up When they're in heat. It's like this is life.

Yeah, but she's got tentacles on the bottom. So what I want to know is, is she like got a like, fuck, this is a weird conversation. I don't know why I'm here. Welcome to the show. Yeah, thanks for putting me in this position where I'm discussing what a monster's, a fictional monster's genitals would look like. Look, and now they're like a snake with like, Like, say, for example, what's his name? Steve Buscemi. Because he's a reptile.

Is it kind of like a snake where it's like two? Roz. Is a slug. How do slugs do it? I thought she was more like a frog. No, she's definitely a slug. No, she's a slug. I've got to look up to see.

How does Hardscrabble do it? Fuck, this is a weird conversation. It's kind of like more frog-based. They've just got, like, wet patches. definitely slug. No, she's a slug. I gotta look up to see her. How does Hardscrabble do it? Fuck, this is a weird conversation. I don't want to have it. It's kind of like more frog-based. It's just got wet patches. I don't like this. And clearly, because of the horseshoe art, I'm guessing it just kind of hangs. His penis would be

near his chin. Yeah. Underneath all that fur. Possibly. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then if he wants to fuck, say, Dean Hardscrabble, not Dean Hardscrabble, Waternoose, Waternoose probably has an opening at the back, a cloaca, he's like a crab. Yeah. He just gets up in there, lifts up his suit and fucking goes away.

Fucking goes to town. And if I look at this picture of Celia, is it a dress or is it skin? I think it's a dress. Yeah, I think it is a dress. So then presumably her vagina sits somewhere amongst the tentacles at the bottom. Yep. And that's just fun.

Although her snake's hair has... What? And also she has snakes in her hair. Oh, no. No. I need to... We need to... No.

No, wait. The snakes have tails. I can see a tail. So is she just got like... Is that just a fashion accessory? Just like... Potentially. Five snakes on her head.

So let's, okay. No, no, I think it's only one tail. Oh, there is. No, there's two tails. I think. No, wait, that's just. I think the snake is not, is a part of her head. Cause they're part of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's try and imagine. It's got to be a dress. That's got to be a dress. Yeah, I think it's a dress. I think it's a dress. In fact, at one point I feel like she rearranges it. So.

Yeah. Like a dress. She falls down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like she rearranges it. So, like a dress. She falls down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, so let's try and imagine what the child of Celia and Mike Wazowski would look like. They both have one eye. They both have one eye. Mike has horns.

She has tentacle hair. So I assume that's the kind of thing where one of them is dominant. I think horns are probably more dominant. Found some sweet fan art. Are they fucking? Nah, they're just like, I have a kid. I'm sad. I'm sure we could find that but I don't want to search for that. Tentacles or feet?

She'd have tentacles I reckon. Tentacles seems dominant. There's a lot of tentacles. So you're basically a spheroid or humanoid? I'd say like a snakeoid. Snake? Yeah, I think she'd be the kid would have Celia's body. And I think that's just how it goes. That would be green.

Yes, colour. Maybe horns, no snake hair? Horns, no snake hair. So you kind of separate it into hair, size, colour. How big would it be? Limbs. We'd probably, well, it depends what's dominant. I'm just trying to find out what are the things that change.

Mike's also quite short and that was unusual for him as a child. Yeah. And Celia's got how many legs, like tentacle legs? Six or seven. Six or seven? Whereas he's got two feet. So do you reckon there's going to be like one in the middle? Or is it going to be in the middle there and take the average?

I like to think they'll take the average. I think it'd be tentacles. Yeah, but how many? Same as mum. Same as mum, I think. Or because you're then mating With something which is Very very weirdly

Genetically a little bit different With different markers You might like Lose a couple tentacles Maybe that's how you get slugs They're like Started off as tentacles Maybe she's

Yeah it's Maybe Maybe their kid is A one eyed snake I didn't even mean To do that So find me another monster And I want to see

If this theory checks out That these are the things that will change upon, which I have hair, size, colour, limbs, skin, eyes. All right, well, let's do hardscrabble and Mark Wazowski. Yep. I feel like two eyes. I think mouth probably might change as well. Yeah, yeah.

Some of them have like a, you know. So I imagine if we do Dean hardscrabble, or a creature like Dean hardscrabble, I think the eyes, eyes mark one eye isn't dominant i don't think i think two eyes is dominant because a lot of monsters have two eyes yep um so hair what is dean hardscrabble hair she's kind of an insect yeah so i think her horns are dominant so still horns yeah okay so your horns size uh she's like about i think i think i think i think the creature okay i think their kid would be green and insect-like,

but only have one of each limb, but have an abdomen. She's got wings. Yeah, fuck wings. Colour. No, the kids that all have wings. Kids that have wings. I think green is probably a more common colour than purple in the Monsters University.

Limbs. She's got little insect businesses. I reckon, basically, imagine an ant from bug's life it'd have the two legs arms and abdomen and wings and two eyes it'd be green with horns yeah i think that's reasonable yeah i think that's reasonable i think those are the the things that change depending on what's dominant that's why you don't see too many monsters that look the same yeah because the more they breed the more the more strange and different they'll become. If you look at Johnny Worthington, who was the kind of... A big buff horn.

He was like the jock, yeah. He kind of also looks like Sully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But without hair. They'd be a similar family trait. Yeah, absolutely. Like a common ancestry. So if we talk common ancestries here, are we talking that there's several common ancestries no see i don't think that works i think it begins with like so

we have wolves and then we sort of breed yeah so so you have two monsters have sex and they produce a one-eyed son right just through just that's the magic of genetics and there'll be times where like mike and celia could have three kids one of those those kids might have two eyes. Yeah. Three eyes. Because there's a recessive gene on Celia's side with his four eyes. And then that three-eyed kid has sex with well, not when he's a kid. A no-eyed monster. Because it's that guy who doesn't have any eyes. Yeah, exactly. And then they produce

a kid who has less eyes again or whatever. So eventually it would just become more as the monsters grow as a species. They're going to get worse and worse though. That's what I mean. The monsters are going to become more as the monsters grow as a species. They're going to get worse and worse. That's what I mean. The monsters are going to become more and more bizarre. Because it's the squishy guy with the five eyes.

He looks very similar to his mum. Oh. Yeah, but she's not squishy. No. She doesn't stick to things. No, no, no. You're thinking of the fellow with the moustache. No, no, no.

I know that. But his mother, you don't see her being squishy. No. Oh, okay. She's got this very same shape. But she has hair. He doesn't. Yeah. No, no, no, I know that, but his mother, you don't see her being squishy. No, but she's got this very same shape. Like, he has hair, he doesn't. Yeah. But maybe... Like, you know, this guy's got fucking, like,

wings on his head instead of horns. But maybe with the mum and the son, you get some families... Where the kids are... Well, I just mean, like, and not necessarily inbreeding, but like... Well, weirdly, if you go by shape, so you have Mike Sully and like a couple of... Not Mike Sully, fuck.

You have Sully and... It's hard. Yeah. Sully and, you know, the jock and there's a few others that kind of have that, basically like a triangle shape. Yeah. Like upside down triangle shapes. You've got broad shoulders, kind of tiny legs. And some have like hair, some have horns, some have bigger horns.

Some are like low to the ground in their mouths. Yeah. And then you've got your slugs. Yep. Insects. Fish type. Actually, no, if we look at the squishy one, whatever fuck his name was. Squishy. Squishy. Because we see both his mum and his dad.

Don't we? No, his mum doesn't. Oh, hang on. Yeah, he gets with the guy with the moustache. His mum makes out dad. No. Don't we? No, his mum does. Oh, hang on. Yeah, he gets with the guy with the moustache. His mum makes out with this fella with the moustache. Yeah. But you can see that there are definitely traits that are similar there. They're both.

Because those traits kind of almost would kind of make Squish. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's weird. Yeah. But there's also a lot of monsters that look like Randall's assistant. That sort of taller, long-limbed Mike Wazowski type.

Yes, absolutely. You can even see them here, Zam. It's got like a selection. That's a very dominant and that's a very common shape for a monster to have. Monster biology must be confusing and they're like, gosh, who knows what your kid will look like? That's why to become a doctor in the MIUU it's really fucking hard

it's like oh we need to work on oh where's your lungs oh I don't have any ah good I have a small sack of air behind my knees

ah great I like to think they're just like when you die I like to know that I woke up this morning and I didn't realise that I was going to do

baiting how the Monsters Inc characters have, what their children would look like, and whether or not there would be political-based money going into them. What a day I've had. Because also, rather than talk about biology here, we've also got to talk about even just basic attraction. Would someone who is furry and horns be attracted to someone who's like a scaly slug i think it's and the evidence there is yes yeah yeah yeah i think absolutely i think the monsters monsters in the monsters inc universe are less prejudiced than we are towards the people that we're attracted to yeah absolutely and like because weirdly there aren't really gender markers in the Monsters universe.

There are occasionally. But, like, you know what I mean? Does Roz have... Roz doesn't have breasts. Are there genders in the Monsters? She's just got longer eyelashes. I think they call... They say him and her.

But, like, it's much of a muchness, really. Monsters would know. Yeah, well, I suppose that's how it is, isn't it? Whether you were a male or a female. Yeah, it's like us looking at, like, two eagles. We're like, oh, know. Yeah, well, I suppose that's how it is, isn't it? A monster would be able to tell whether you were a male or a female. Yeah, it's like us looking at, like, two eagles. We're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. What are they?

What the fuck is this? Is that female? Female? I don't know. But a monster could be like, yep, yep. I'm a non-binary eagle. Fuck you. It's 2017.

Come on. Also, like, I guess monsters are better senses in, like, sight, smell. Yeah, that's true. They could be like, woman, man. I'm sure a lot of that comes into it. Like the odour, pheromones and shit. Actually, it would have to. Because different...

If you're covered in fur, you're going to have a different scent if you're a scale. Yeah, that's true. That's an excellent point. You ever go to the zoo where all the reptiles are? There is a scent. There's a reptile smell. And so Randall would be oozing that, whereas I'm pretty sure Sully would smell like a bear.

Yeah, absolutely. Or a dog. Or a kitty. Kitty. So there's a lot. What happens if Randall and Sully have a kid? It would have multiple arms. It would be furry.

It would have horns, and it would be able to change colour. And it'd be kind of like a furry lizard, I reckon. It'd be a furry lizard that could change colour. You've got a real knack for that. Yep. I answered real quickly and they didn't know. Yeah, you're just like, I feel like I could give you any two monsters and you'd be like bam, bam, give me that kid.

Come on. That's a skill. Alright. Charlie Day and Waternoose. We were talking about them fucking before. Okay, okay. It would be furry. Yep. It would probably still retain the shape.

Yeah. But I think it'd have more legs. Oh, okay. And it would probably have more eyes. Yeah, I think that's fair. And longer hands. But it would still be a horseshoe-shaped spider. Like a horseshoe crab? Horseshoe crab.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Okay, next little thing that I have a sort of beef with is, like, how did they find out that screaming powered a thing? Yeah, look, that's a scary thought that I'm doing. But actually, no. Actually, we can answer this. Because when Boo was there and they laughed and the power blew,

so clearly there was interaction with someone. Like maybe they had like a torch or something and it was turned off or whatever happened and they accidentally spooked someone and then it turned on. Then I guess the leap there is to be like, yep. Let's use this to power. Well, I assume at some point they had a technology or a power source that wasn't child emotion based.

What the fuck was it then? Well, it could have been anything. It could have been electricity. I feel like all their technology is audio based, right? Yeah, okay. So what if they were like literally just sounds? Yeah. So someone would just sit there and blow on a horn

and that would power a house. What about this? Oh, hang on. I don't remember Monsters, Inc. terribly well, but in Monsters, Inc., there's the machine designed to get screams out of Boo. Yeah, it sucks. But eventually, unfortunately, Mike Wazowski sits in it

and it gets screams out of Mike. Yeah. How much power does that produce? Do we remember? I'm looking it up. I don't think you see it produce power. Okay, but it does suck screams out of him. Yeah, it's supposed to.

But no, because Mike swaps it over for the red guy, and he just goes pale and his face has been sucked off. Oh, okay. It has an adverse effect on him. It doesn't suck the scream out of him. It just fucks him up. Okay. Well, maybe they were getting the scream.

Okay, then I don't know. I reckon they just used ambient sounds. Yeah. Yeah. Car horns. Or they couldn't. But, you. Car horns, or they couldn't. But, you know, like, so banging things together, music. Music was their energy source.

He changed it to screams. It is very sound-based, which is a very odd thing to kind of think about. Or they used their own noises, because they're monsters. So monsters would have, like, you know, the ability to roar, the ability to, like, make weird noises, and it's like, yeah, we could power ourselves using our sound. Yeah. And then they realised that the screams of a child are way more potent than their own screams and they already have these portals knocking around they're like well what if we just harnessed that energy

and then from there it's it's the logic step of all right so their screams are more powerful their laughter is more powerful adult screams adult laughter yeah because like we only see the fact that he gets into the thing that's designed to suck children's screams at. But that's designed for children's screams. There could have been something that was like a proto thing designed for monster screams. You put a thing on your face and you yell and it fills up a thing and you'd go home. It's like a petrol station. You go in with your empty canister. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do them. Or were you maybe as part of just society thing is like you were scaring your own kids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, yeah. That's just how it goes. Your kids just scare their kids. We've already.

I'm guessing it has to be inversed for monsters because otherwise why wouldn't you scare human adults? Yeah, I imagine that monsters don't get scared of other monsters. I mean like in Power Scream. So if like, for example, if you went to, like, scare, like, we're talking, like, early this, like, proto-energy stuff. Yeah. Like, if you were to scare your child,

I feel that has to, and, like, in your version of you, because there's got to be a reason why they went after kids and not humans. Yeah, that's true. Adults, sorry. Okay, I've just come up with a weird theory. You don't talk about that? No, no, yeah, yeah, but I think I might have a solution to it, but it's weird.

What if the Monsters, Inc. universe is the spirit world? Okay. And the monsters are just a natural part of the cycle of life and death and birth and whatever. And they are like this. They've been put there to scare kids. Not for power. Not for resources.

That's just their role in the universe is to scare children as part of the spirit world. They come in, they scare us. You know, in our world, that's what we have the idea of monsters for, to scare children. It's like their position. They just do. And then they worked out after that that they could harness energy from it.

Well, because that explains that. And then at some point, they were they could harness energy from it. Well, because that explains that that's... And then at some point, they were like, well, we have houses now as these spiritual concepts, and they start to solidify. When they solidify, they're like, well, we need to power things. And they discover that... Because that explains why they had portals there.

You know what I mean? But then, like, I keep wanting to say God left. And they were left to their own devices. Because that's what it feels like. It feels like they existed in the spirit world and they scared children and that's just how everything went and all their needs were taken care of. And then one day God left and they're like, well. Do you know what I'm driving at here?

Okay, okay, okay. How about this? So let's just base this in weird, like, concept wanking. So humans always have had stories about monsters and scaring and that's just part of our culture we've had things to terrify us and so we have talk about you know monsters that exist yeah yeah so that creates yeah world yeah yeah where that begin like the more we talk about it and we sort of will it into existence using spiritual bullshit but like the more we talk about it, and we sort of will it into existence using spiritual bullshit,

but, like, the more humanity starts creating stories about monsters means that that's put out there, and then that's sort of created. Maybe there's little magical portals. I don't know. We basically create this whole realm where monsters are real, and the whole thing is, for some reason, they have this weird attachment of scaring humanity. So then that's sort of like how it goes through.

But that evolves over time. Well, the monsters left their own devices. And then the monsters left their own devices, our storytelling techniques kind of evolve, and then it's just like, you know, then we have stories like, oh, the monster under the bed. Then we're like, oh, what about when the monster isn't under the bed? What's he up to?

And our stories evolve, and they change, and then this gives these kind of like, these concepts of like these concepts of monsters an identity yeah well what i think okay what i feel like you're touching on have you seen the episode of supernatural um no early on in the first season you've never seen supernatural no i've seen some but i don't know there's an episode of supernatural where it's like a haunted house uh-huh um and the idea is that the house is haunted by this guy who murdered his daughters by stringing them up.

Yeah, okay. And these kids go into like, oh, it's like a rite of passage hazing thing. Oh, there's a guy hanging from the roof and whatever. And basically they discover, like, the guys go there and they're looking at the place and there's just something a little bit off. Like, there's like so many stories about what happens in this house one minute it's hanging and next minute it's like disemboweling yeah uh symbols in it don't make any sense and then dean recognizes one of the symbols from a band and he realizes that it's fake the monster's

not real it's just a story and people trying to scare people but then people are actually dying and they realize that one of the symbols that they use is this Tibetan symbol that creates like a golem. Ah, yeah. But it's a story golem, and if enough people start believing in the story, it comes to life. And every time they change the story... The golem itself changes.

Correct. Yeah. Well, see, for me it's more like, so in D&D, right, you know you have the elemental plane of X. Dungeons and dragons, for those who don't know. Yeah, right. And in the elemental plane of X you've got like, oh, the elemental plane of X Dungeons and dragons for those who don't know And in the elemental plane of X You've got the elemental plane of fire

And occasionally a portal opens up To the world of just regular land Of D&D And shit goes between it But it's like what if that was happening But then suddenly somebody put the idea of a city In the mind of one of the denizens Of the elemental plane of air

And suddenly they were like well we, we should build a city. And then they build a city and they're like, we need to power it. That's what it feels like to me. Like, naturally, in the world, there is this elemental plane of monsters, this spirit world, and then just suddenly they're like, well, we've left our own design, we're going to build a city, but we need to power it somehow. And so they discover Kid screams

What What What did the doors look like Before doors Stonehenge Oh way Yeah no the doors look like Stonehenge Or like

Like pyramids kind of shit Yeah Actually Go back back like in looking at Or like pyramids kind of shit. Yeah. Actually, no. Go back to that, like looking at the ancient Egyptian gods, that kind of stuff. A guy with a dog head. A guy with a dog head.

A dog with the face of a crocodile. Yeah, like we have these- Someone, a green guy. Come on. It's kind of just like- Come on. I'm walking here. It's kind of like these mythological monsters have actually always existed,

but just as we've evolved, so have they. And as the two of us have evolved concurrently, they're like, well, we need to power ourselves somehow. We're already scaring kids because that's what we do, but hey, we can make some bank off this. I guess. Go ahead. Power the economy somehow.

And I guess if there's a being growing up concurrently with humanity, that doesn't quite explain why they think we're poison. No, but then assumedly- There'd be fear, though, because bad things would have happened to monsters. Absolutely. Say you're like- And if we're- Sorry to- Please.

If we're going with the ancient theory, oral histories, right? Yeah. So the oral histories of monsters is that people are dangerous, people are dangerous, people are dangerous. That turns into people are poisonous. That's true. People die if you touch a child. Because when you reach the age of monster enlightenment, they're like, oh, well, we

called them dangerous, but perhaps that is because, you know, these great thinkers of the monsters world, that like- It gets lost in translation. Yeah, yeah. The original thing was, be careful of humans. They can be dangerous. They might hunt you. They might hunt you. They might attack you.

Because imagine like an ancient caveman and his furs with a spear fighting like Sully on like in the snowy like mountains. That's kind of awesome. Oh, man. Very cool. Just imagine like, you know, like these Egyptian people like building temples to this like to Sully. It's better to Mike.

Just like one eye. Gotta worship that sphere with an eye, I guess. Worship that fucking ball. That's why the Egyptians have all the eyes in their heart eclipse. It's all like this house here. Oh, dear. Another Monsters, Inc. what? Yes.

Is, like, pants. Yeah, I was about to say, like, clothing. Well, no, I feel like that's easy. That's like, you just... Everything has to be handmade. You can't manufacture it. Manufacturing is a problem. There's no industry for to say like clothing. Well, no, I feel like that's easy. That's like you just... Everything has to be handmade. You can't manufacture it. Manufacturing is a problem. There's no industry for like clothing.

I think clothing is... And also, wait. Not all monsters wear clothes too. Cars. Cars. Cars would be awesome. You just design... Everything's custom made.

Everything has to be custom made. That's why there's an energy crisis. The amount of energy required to personally make people their own unique shit for their own unique monster bodies is burning through so much power. That makes sense. That's why there's an energy crisis. That's reasonable.

That's very reasonable. Because as a textile spider, I can't make clothes on a mass scale. That's why all the textile people are spiders, so they can do things. Yeah. I can be making eight items of clothing at once. Because you have to do everything custom made. There's no way Yeah I mean if you look at the. You might have templates but

like everything like okay you're a slug man with uh forearms. Alright that's good. I guess we need to. What do they call the children protection. The CDA. The CDA every single one of their rubber suits is completely different. It has to be custom made. Which must be such arse

ache if somebody's like, well, I'm leaving the RCA because you're like, well... We can't reuse that one. You get to keep it. You have to. And you wear it to parades and stuff. Again, trial periods.

When looking at workforce, you're like, we're going to get you on for a trial period. It's like, well, we've got to make you a custom suit, though. Yeah. If you. Yeah, I think CDA, there's no trial period. Yeah. I guess it has to be something before that.

Why don't you become the CDA? Kind of like a Monsters U. It has to be. There has to be like a Monsters U before the CDA. Yeah. Yeah. True. Yeah.

But here's the thing. I think with most clothing in your everyday is like accessories. Same way you might wear a hat. You can, you can not. It doesn't matter. It's a fashion choice at the end of the day. Because everything's custom made, if you're poor you're not shelling out for a t-shirt. But you see some monsters just wear hats.

Some monsters just wear ties. A lot of monsters are naked. Yeah, exactly. But maybe they're not naked. That's just us putting a human perception on them That's just how they are And if you want to put a tie on Mad Yeah

It's kind of like dogs again Dogs are there Dogs are naked Dogs can't be naked But sometimes I can put a sweet little bow tie on Malia And she'll look cute Sully wears a tie when he becomes I think the clothing is positions of power

Okay Oh yeah So think about it Maybe the clothing is uniform based. Dean. The Dean. She wears like a vest thing. Teachers wear clothes.

Yeah, that's true. Waternoose does wear a vest as well. Yep. Ros wears a vest. Celia wears a dress. She's the head of reception, I believe. Yeah, yeah. I think the clothing-

The status symbol. Because, of course, it's custom made, which means it's going to be expensive. So it has to be expensive. And that's why frat houses have like Letterman jackets. Yeah, because it's a big deal. It's a custom made. It's a status symbol. It's a big deal means it's going to be expensive So it has to be expensive And that's why frat houses Have like Letterman jackets Yeah because it's a big deal It's a custom made It's a status symbol It's a big deal

Yeah absolutely Just looking at Whereas a hat Which a lot of people have Sorry to interrupt you But like a lot of people have It's not as big a deal Because everyone can wear a hat

Correct A hardscrabble Does she have breasts? I don't know I don't think so There's like Maybe a lob There's like A hint of I don't want to know H't think so. There's like maybe a lump. There's like a hint of breast.

I don't want to know. Why are we back here again? I feel like I've gotten away from this shit. I think there's a breast there. So she's like an insect slash mammal. That just means that her mom was a mammal or her dad was a mammal. Or like had mammalian boobs. Yeah, had titties.

That's fine. That's just sweet covetous and monster biology. She might just have a breastplate. Pay attention in class. But that then means that some Some monsters are breastfed and some aren't Yeah Some, hey, eggs

Do they lay eggs? Do they ovulate? Oh fuck Do they have a pouch? I think it depends Is that a guy who has a bird face, does he lay an egg? I imagine Mike lays an egg, or came out of an egg At the very least Suddenly it was live birth

Yeah, absolutely Then we're talking different species, surely Or came out of an egg, at the very least. Sully was live birth. Yeah, absolutely. Water is hatched. Then we're talking different species, surely. No, I don't think it's as that cut and dry in the monster's world. Because if we go back to our theory that monsters are like an oral... Mike was out... I mean, Sully... Monsters are an oral.

Come from an oral history. Come from an oral... Well, everything is... I don't know, we're arguing, but in terms of oral history here, like everything is very audio based, which is weird. Oh, yeah, that's true. I was going to say that Sully Sullenberger, that's his last name? James P. Sullivan. Sullivan.

Sully Sullenberger. I don't know where I'm getting that last name from. His name is James and his surname is Sullivan. Right. So Sully looks a bit like he's mammalian. Like maybe there are these archetypes. But Sully looks a bit like he's mammalian. Like maybe there are these archetypes. But he has like a dinosaur tail. Oh, he does too.

Yeah. He does too. And there's that dinosaur one is like in the monster's view. Yeah, yeah. So that just means that the dinosaur style monster had sex with a bear style monster and they gave birth to Sully. Yep. So there's going to be like, there's going to be dicks, cloacas.

Oh, there's a mass of genitals. It's crazy. Some that go inside you, some that spit out's crazy And again we're back to putting genitals on Pixar characters I'm unhappy I can just imagine when Fucking Kowalski gets a rouse It's like a hatch opens up And this slimy pink just Falls in costume

I'm good I imagine a lot of their penises are sheathed I'm fucking okay'm good I imagine a lot of their penises are sheathed Yes I'm fucking okay They just have to be At the end of the day A lot of the wangs are sheathed If you can say anything about Pixar's monsters

It's that Look Go up Samit Yeah So see that guy there Yeah the crab boy He's one of the jocks No he's one of the

Yeah the jocks like Cronies He looks heaps like Waternoose He does It's a crab It's the know, he's one of the, yeah, the jocks, like, cronies. He looks heaps like Waternoose. He does. It's a crab. He's the crab guy with the one eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Waternoose and Kowalski.

Yeah, that's what their baby would look like. Wazowski. Wazowski, fuck. Kowalski and Solidberg. The two characters in Monsters, Inc. Elon Mollusk. Yes. Elon Mollusk Yes

So Yeah It's just It feels that there is like A lot of problems That are happening And I can now understand Why we got a prequel

And not a sequel Yeah Because a sequel is just Sad A sequel is The political House of cards With monsters

Yeah Exactly Whereas a prequel They can be like I remember when things Weren't complicated. We were nice, and we just scared children. Yeah.

It's also weird, and this is a final Monsters What, and it's not really even like a What about the universe, it's just about the narrative, is that Sully never went to school, but he still ended up a head scarer. Now that's great, because it's like, hey, you can come from anywhere. Natural ability. But natural ability, the point of Monsters U was that

natural ability's not enough. But it was. That's funny. Well, no, no, no, no. The reason he's able to get where he is is because of Mike. That's what Monsters U is about. Yeah, but then they go to Monsters Inc. and they start in the mail room and they work their way up and he ends up doing a scarer. But that, it bugs me because that means there's no credentials to actually being a scarer. You don't need to go to Monsters Inc. Can we also just remind ourselves

of this one fact? Uh, how did Sully get his job? Probably at Monsters Inc. Yes, they started in the mail room. Sullivan is a really powerful family name. Ah, that's true. That's a good point. His dad was a brilliant scarer. His family are a long line of amazing scarers. He got his he probably got His dad was a brilliant scarer. His family are a long line of amazing scarers. He probably got his job not on merit.

Which is great because that means all the hard work of Mike and Sully from Odds Is You and all their hard work working in the mailroom really amounted to squat, and it did come down to Sully's dad's last name. Or it probably got to a point where they were going to hire new scarers and he was looked at because of his name and his natural ability got him through. And then he got Mike in as well. And Mike probably coached him through it because Mike is the one who understands how it works. And I feel like because Mike just became a technician,

that's the kind of thing you could probably do on site. Yeah. They could be like, well, we'll teach you to do that, and you could be a scarer. Yeah, you've got a tooth. It's all good. Yeah. Well, I'm sad and angry.

I feel like I came out better. I feel like this was cathartic. I'm thinking too much about animated genitals now. I'm just wondering what's going to happen to a world where there's an abundance of power. Yeah, it's an interesting- Because there's going to be that point where now that they've got too much, once the secret comes out- It's going to become Mad Max.

It's just like, there's just now, why? How come Mad Max? Wouldn't it be the opposite of Mad Max? Yeah, but eventually it'll become Mad Max. It's just like, there's just now, why? How come Mad Max? Wouldn't it be the opposite of Mad Max? Yeah, but like eventually it'll become Mad Max. Why? I reckon like there's going to be people hoarding power and then there's going to be like weapons and there's going to be war. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.

There will be people hoarding power. Oh, monster war. And also with monster war, I don't want to be like, it's real easy to have an us versus them in monsters. Mew. Yeah. Because it's like people with fur versus people with scales. Oh, absolutely.

One eye's good, five eye's bad. Two eye's better. Yeah, but you're right. It's going to be like one eye's good, five eye's bad, three eye's okay, two eye's pretty good, seven eye's fine as well. Eight eye's terrible. Get out, no eyes.

Imagine like... Are your eyes on storks? Get the eyes. Imagine like, you know, like a- Are your eyes on storks? Get the fuck away from me, storky. Imagine like a terrible fascist monster regime. They're like, all right, like you're screening people to see if they're a desirable or an undesirable, and you just pull up this giant chart of eye numbers. Yeah.

You got to just like check it against, are they on storks? Are they embedded in the head? Do you reckon like those storks, because looking at Randall, and now he's got those weird like check it against Are they on stalks? Are they embedded in the head? Do you reckon like those stalks Looking at Randall and now he's got those weird He's got a crest But if you look at Celia how she's got snakes Do you reckon it's kind of like an evolutionary thing Where like the snakes if they had something of a recessive thing

Or a dominant thing I reckon Randall and Celia are definitely related In like some ancestral way Absolutely they're both purple they're both reptilian They've both got the same kind of shape or at least height. Her parents fucked a squid with one eye though. Yes. Yeah.

There's a squid in that family lineage. And like maybe the snakes. Whereas Randall's family banged a guy with lots of arms and legs. Yeah, absolutely. A bird with lots of arms and legs. That's the crest. Ah, there you go. That makes sense.

I can't keep doing this. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Handsome Tom. And if you've got any monsters ink you you you can hit us up on Twitter.

We're at SansPantsRadio. Or you can hit me up individually. I'm at GodDammitSammit. I'm at AllDogsAreDead. I'm at Goddammit Samet I'm at All Dogs Are Dead I'm at Awkward Treat I'm glad it came down to boning frankly

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