Plumbing the Death Star - Pfft! How You Gonna Save the Titanic?

Episode Date: June 6, 2021

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Saz Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hey, scum. Turns out plumbing the Death Star can be stopped, as once more Melbourne enters another lockdown for hopefully only another week. But don't worry. As soon as we're let out of our houses and allowed to ruin your days with bad comedy,

we'll be doing just that. Those that already grabbed tickets should have received an email about the new date and time. You'll be able to see us live and in the flesh. So now we'll be performing on Saturday, July 10th at 3.30pm. The perfect time for us to ruin your lunch and put you off dinner with our terrible mouths. So if that sounds appealing, the link is in the show notes

and hopefully we won't be in lockdown again. Surely. Right? The link is in the show notes, and hopefully we won't be in lockdown again. Surely. Right? Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, are you going to save the Titanic? Oh, my God. We've just learned in the year 2021 about the Titanic.

Oh, my God. That sounds bad. We're flicking through pornos. We're watching James Cameron's Opus Avatar. And then we're like, damn, what else has this man done? Titanic. You know, I heard he did a movie that's got full titty in it. Hang on. No.

Yeah, dude. Full titty. A bit. You can see a bit. And then we're scanning through. You're like, wait, actually, what's this about? Can we watch it from the start? Oh, my God.

What happened to that boat? Don't worry. it's fiction. This is based on a true story. Oh no! We gotta do something about this. We gotta figure this out. We gotta save that woman and her breasts. It's so sad when a boat sinks.

It's so sad to lose a big boat. Imagine the life that big boat could have had. Of the greatest tragedies of history. Look at that big boat go down. And all the souls on the boat. But the big boat.

There was people on it? What? I thought it was just a loose boat. This keeps getting worse. So how are we time traveling back? Do we have to come up with a concept of time travel? Well, we can't save the three of us, no matter how clever and handsome we are.

Even though all three of us are perhaps clever geniuses. Clever, brilliant, beautiful, handsome geniuses. We're not going to figure out time travel. No. Who knows? Okay, never say never. Maybe sometimes it's the second smartest man in the room that has the smartest ideas because he is not shackled

by the pressures of greatness. Maybe it's the guy who doesn't even make it in the top 500 of cleverest guys in the room. Maybe it is in the bottom 1% of cleverness. Because the wrong man does not fear to be wrong a second time. Even a wrong man is right twice a day. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Really, really. You gotta put your thinking cap on. I like to imagine we all just rush to separate rooms to figure out that time travel. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Okay. Fill the bath up. Get my phone.

Google the Titanic. Okay. Hop in the bath. Okay. Maybe if I... Just tap on the side of your head think come on jackson you've got you think you're two-thirds of the way there okay you know the titanic and you're wet maybe if i just submerge myself in the bath i'm uh-huh yeah uh-huh yeah you do i'll let me figure

out the next okay okay i'm gonna go and maybe I'm going to Google sad Victorian lads. Okay. And see like a tragedy that happened around about the time maybe they were starting to invent time machine and then wait where I think they might appear to then brick them in the back of their head and take their time machine. So as I submerge myself in the water, Zamet stands on a street corner being like, any second now.

I'm going gonna go to London town, any second now, I'm gonna get a sad guy Pierce, and I'm gonna be like, oi! And shove him over. Steal his time machine. He's strong. And handsome. That's true. Dushar, how are you gonna time travel to the Titanic?

I think I like Zammett's method, but I'm gonna mix mine up a little bit I'm going to go to a thing where there's aliens and wait for a telephone box to appear Okay, so you're going to go the Doctor Who route

so you're going to just scan the news for aliens So you're going to wait until Christmas That's true Every Christmas That's alright, I'll. Every Christmas, something whack happens. Well, that's all right. I mean, I'll be like,

it can't happen again. I can take as long as I want. It's already happened. What I really like about this situation is that- No more big boats that are gonna sink. Zahmet stands on a street corner. Okay. You are next to him

because you're both in London. Doctor who arrives. Zahmet bricks him. No, that's my guy. Damn it. Damn it. Get in the telephone box. The thing is, Zahmet bricks him No, that's my guy! Damn it! Damn it! Get in the shit! Get in the telephone box! Well, the thing is, Zamet Brix,

if he turns into another guy, I'm like, you should've waited. Yeah. Waited for what? They're gonna brick him again? He would've fucked off with someone. The two Joels steal the TARDIS. Meanwhile, I electrocute myself in the bar. Jackson goes, travels

through time through being a ghost. So a doctor who is regenerating, we just pick him up, throw him into the gutter. In the Tams. I see when you're a different guy, I'll say. It does take a while, so you've got time. So hijack the TARDIS. TARDIS will do that, like, sounding the alarms and rattling and stuff.

Don't worry, we're the new doctor. We regenerate into two Joles. TARDIS opens, like, cupboard doors or something and just cops hit us. What do you mean? Look, there's two hearts for two people. It makes sense. Think TARDIS.

It's good as well. Do you know how to make the TARDIS go? You just pull that lever. Pulling, leaving, Titanic. No, there's a screen. Yes, I could figure it out. It's a phone box. How hard can it be?

Come on. I dial 911 Titanic. Yeah. Okay. It's so easy. Now, what year did the Titanic happen? 19. Well, I mean, I didn't even put a time in.

Yeah, yeah. So where do you go with this? I Googled the Titanic and then drowned myself. Okay, okay, okay. I can figure this out. So the Titanic happened before World War I. True. True.

When did World War I happen? 1914? Yeah. Oh, yeah, 1914 to 1918. I reckon 1909 is when the Titanic happened. It's 1920... Oh, that's 1910. I'm bad at maths.

I'd say 1919. Wait, that's after World War I. That's after World War I? 1910. You said it happened before World War I. We said, when's World War I? We're like, hmm, we think it's 1914 to 1918. I don't want to be there for World War I. Okay, when's World War I? We're like, we think it's 1914 to 1918. I don't want to be in the World War I.

Okay, let's see. I don't think it happened prior to, like, it didn't happen in the 1800s. No. So anywhere between 1900 and 1914. I think 1909 or 1910 is going to be my guess. Okay. Which one? 1910.

Okay. All right, where are we going, JD? Well. Where would you think? I don't think you just Googled the answer. I know. I literally just Googled when did World War I happen because I wanted to double check.

We were right. Yes. We know our history. I'm shaking my head. So I reckon, look, 1910 sounds good. Well, it depends on how much of a run-up we want. Because, look, 1910 could be it happens tomorrow or it could be in like three years from now.

Well, one of those is closer to the other. That's all I'll say. Either way, a good run-up. Well, one is not a good one. So I reckon 1905, give ourselves like... Okay, so we go back to 1905. I'm pretty sure we're definitely before the Titanic. If we go to 1905, I reckon we can probably get ourselves built into the Titanic if we wanted.

Titanic's maiden voyage was in 1912. Oh! 1910 was a pretty safe bet. So where did we go? I would have been pushing for 1905 for a bit. I would have been like, I know what happened in 1912. It's good if you arrive in 1905 and I arrive in 1910 and then we meet at the docks and you've been in the 1900s for five years. That's a good point.

How long do we think we could live in the 1900s? That's the question. I mean, it's not as like, you know, sort of prickly or dangerous as other time periods. But now probably being harder. If you swapped, the 1900 guy would probably be dead in the ditch faster than we'd be dead in the ditch. If you showed a guy who was on the Titanic, the movie Titanic, he'd have a heart attack. Hey, you want to see a porno on my phone? All right, so say we've gotten to the right time.

I reckon I would have been like 1910. 1910 was my go-to originally. We'll go to 1910 because that gives us two years to figure out a plan. All right. I've arrived in Australia. You've arrived in Australia in a bathtub. We have arrived in London. Oh, that is...

Does that have to leave from London? I don't know. It was gone in New York. It must have been London. Or was it New York to London? I don't know. Leaves from... It was gone in New York. It must have been London. Or was it New York to London? Where's... No. No, because in Ghostbusters,

the Titanic arrives in New York. The Titanic goes to arrive in New York, and they're like, better late than never, so it's gone in New York. And it must have been from London, because that makes sense. No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does. The fuck's the world look like? What are you? I can't imagine. It wasn't like one of those circular voyages, was it? No, New York is on the. It doesn't go from New York to New York. Hang on, let me imagine.

I'm thinking about New York. New York is on the east coast. No, that makes sense. Across the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? No, is that the Atlantic Ocean? That on the east coast. No, that makes sense. Across the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? No, is that the Atlantic Ocean? That's the Atlantic Ocean.

That's the Atlantic Glotion. Glotion? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But why is Jack? Italiano? American.

Because he's going back to New York. Yeah. Kate Winslet, also American. What about Fabrizzi? That's true. Fabrizzi. Yeah. I think it leaves from London.

Yep. To New York. Fabrizzi. Yeah. I think it leaves from London. Yep. To New York. Okay, okay, okay. So the Titanic was on her maiden voyage, a return trip from Britain to America. Perfect. That's great. From Britain to America. Yeah.

All right. Return trip? Well, it must have come from America. It must have been built somewhere. So Titanic- Did the trip once. No one talks about the Titanic that worked. Yeah. Wait. But no, it says maiden voyage. Yeah. How can your maiden voyage be a return? Titanic. Did the trip once. No one talks about the Titanic that worked.

Yeah. Wait, but no, it says maiden voyage. Yeah. How can your maiden voyage be a return? Maybe it's going to go to Britain, America, America to Britain. Maybe that's what it's. Oh yeah. Like if you take a return trip somewhere.

Yeah. But if you're plane, you're getting a return flight. Yeah. That is returning, but yeah, I don't, maybe boats are different. It's just a maiden voyage until it comes home. Yeah. It's cool that we are in the bottom 000.1% of stupidest people in the planet. The bottom.

That would make us clever. Would it? Yeah, because if you're in the bottom percentage of being dumb. Fuck. He got us again. We've been rumbled. I've got to go. Anyway, you arrive in London.

Thank you for the compliment, Jackson. Shit. You arrive in London. I wake up to TARDIS in London streets. My bath. Pew, pew, pew. A field in Australia. I gotta get to Titanic.

Okay. Hey, you. Where's Titanic? What? Never mind. All right. So it's going to take me probably a year to get to London. A year?

Well, it's going to take me a year to work up the funds to get a boat ticket. So I'll meet you there when it's on the dock. It's just taken me a while. I like your plan. We're like laying two years of groundwork and then we get in the Titanic ready to execute our plan. Your boat just crashes into the side of the Titanic. Hey boys, I don't know what my

plan was. Alright, okay. So we're in London. It's 1920. 1920? We overshot it. Why is everyone so sad about this boat that's gone? Oh no! I like to imagine my boat as it arrives.

You know the start of Pirates of the Caribbean with a boat sinking? That, but there's people on it. Screaming. And I just step off elegantly onto the dock. So the Titanic. Yeah, I guess. But a miniature version. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I arrive on the dock and I'm like, so what's the plan? I haven't had time to think of one. Okay, look. Okay, boys, boys, boys. We have a TARD the dock and I'm like, so what's the plan? I haven't had time to think of one. Okay, look. Okay, boys, boys, boys. We have a TARDIS so we can go through time and space. True. So ideally space here. So I know-

Or is that boring in the Titanic? Maybe cop the cannonball or something and we don't have it. Well, I'm just thinking, what about? I mean, you guys are thinking about how we stop the Titanic or whatever. I'm thinking, what if we take the fight to the iceberg? Oh! Okay, so Joel Zammett's plan is not to stop the Titanic sinking, but to maybe prevent the punch being thrown by the iceberg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how do you stop an iceberg from existing? Global warming. I'm grabbing the TARDIS. I'm going back to 1710. Okay. Bye! Zammett's left us.

Okay, so Zammet's gone to- Do you reckon there's a reason he picked that date specifically? So he picked 200 years before last. So Zammet, now you're on your own. What's your plan? I'm going to invent- You're going to invent- Fossil fuels.

Okay. Uh-huh. Okay. Fossil fuels Okay And you think you can do Enough damage to the environment As one man In your lifetime Fuel first used 1880s

So I need to find a smart man In the 1700s Good luck Am I dead? Well in the 1700s again it's not as hostile a time as maybe we're imagining, but you don't have any identification or anything thrown in the Tower of London. But no identification probably means fuck all of them, because they're like, I don't know, photos, what are they?

Not invented? Yeah. I'm so bad with history. So bad with history. All I'm thinking, if I can try and get the Industrial Revolution to happen 100 years prior, we can then reduce the iceberg. Well, oil was first discovered in America as a means of producing energy and stuff from it.

So you've gone to the wrong place. Yeah, but you could go there earlier. You're going to have a hard time convincing people to dig in the ground for oil because nobody knew that's where it was but if i do it yeah i'll be the smartest man in the land joel zammett lives out throughout the 1800s knowing that he just stole other people's discoveries and is like i'm the smartest man in the world are you planning to live out your life there you're gonna have to dedicate you yeah because it's not gonna be like oh you can't just pop in yeah what's the what's the population on earth currently right now it's like eight

billion or something i don't know if that's right 1.5 billion i just know it's been increasing yeah so presumably it's been in the billions for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yes. Yeah. And global warming, like it's starting to get bad, but they're predicting like 20, I think 2050 is like, yeah. But if the ice caps were in the state they are now, 200 years earlier,

maybe. So Joel Zammett is one man needs to do. Zammett's problem is that he's going to have to, it's not the kind of thing you can just nip in and do. So that's 10 years of his life. How old are you? 34. Okay, and your diet, everything's going to be worse

than 1700s quality of life. You'll be an old man, but you might be able to kick it off. We'll find his grave. Not on the Titanic. What I'll do, I'll say, okay, I'll just write a a letter and be like boys I did it how's global warming happening in 1920

yeah like it's a bit warmer we'll be like what's he talking about what's global warming wait hang on we should know about this already yeah or did it well all I gotta do this episode's basically like a peep show for our own stupidity.

We've just lifted the veil. Take a gaze. Well, yeah, because like Zama, I mean, Zama's like enjoy global warming, but like the temperature, oh, it depends what's up with time travel. Yeah, that's true. Well, no, it has to be one way. It would be like. What's the point of it?

Turns out that the Titanic always sank. Yeah. Can't do shit. Turns out somehow Zammett going back in time to make global warming worse made it better. Made it the same. Yeah, nothing changed. It turns out that the global warming we're currently experiencing here in 2021 was actually caused by Joel Zammett in the 1700s. Yeah.

I also like to imagine Zammett sending that letter and then like a little boy coming up to us and being like, Mr. Dushu and Bailey, I have a message. And I'm like, no, I don't think so. I'm not from this time. No, he says, for Jackson Bailey.

No, it couldn't be true. Okay, I've got another idea. Okay. I'm going to go back in time to around about like the 1420s. Oh, okay. That interval period.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to try and find Christopher Columbus and maybe murder him. Okay. That is. That's an animal period. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to try and find Christopher Columbus and maybe murder him. Okay. Because if America hasn't been discovered by Christopher Columbus, then the voyage from

Britain to America won't happen. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think the Dutch had already arrived. Yeah. Because I think America has the same thing. Sir, sir, I've got a message for you.

What the fuck? Too true, too true. What is my voice? No, no, please. That's what happens. It's a Dutch accent. You know, the American accent's the British accent over a period of time.

The Dutch accent over that same period of time, bekoem dus, apparently. Oh, yeah, he's speaking with a Dutch-American accent. Gosh. We've got the message for you. Okay. What happened to your consonants? Where did they go?

How come you talk like that? Why did they disappear when you discovered this consonant? I don't understand. Zabit did something fucked, dude, back in the day. He has cooked it somehow. You boys, we're tootin' it. You're going to the tootin' it? Oh, no.

I hope the tootin the Titanic doesn't crash. Uh-oh. There's icebergs. Oh, no. Earthbergs still around. What has happened? What happened to the Dutch? What happened to their accent?

Fuck the Titanic. We're going to go figure out what happened to the Dutch. Sam, it's fucked something up monumentally. Sam, it? Fuck the Titanic. We're going to go figure out what happened to the Dutch. Zabit's fucked something up monumentally. Zabit's fucked the Dutch. Look. Good. Yeah. Hey, yeah.

Fair enough. Well, we get on the two tunic then, I guess. Oh, fuck. Good luck, booze. That's great. You did the gesture like he's still holding the letter, which we have yet to take from Zabit in the 14-hour. We haven't read it.

We just know what it says. Boys, I fucked the Dutch. Good luck. I got Columbus, but I did not get the Dutch. I did something far worse. I did not know enough about history. Really, I don't think with the experiences I've had, we shouldn't be doing this

I go forward in time to 2030, grab an encyclopedia about history then I go back to the 1400s it's cool because Zamas is doing so many time travels it's like as we walk up the steps everything's changing around us the Titanic

becomes the Tutunik okay so now you're gonna systematically murder everybody who could have feasibly discovered the American continent. Yes. Okay. So that's Cortez who discovered, I've discovered again, in quotation marks, South America, there's the Dutch, there's Christopher Columbus. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well, yeah. Well, okay. So I could go forward, I could go now in time and get a gun. He's going now in time. He's going back to now in time.

Okay, it's time to go now in time to get a gun. I don't know how to get a gun now. You need a gun license. I don't have one of them. Okay, so you've got to get a gun license. In Australia to get a gun, you've got to get a gun license, and then you've got to go to a gun shop. Gun shops are obviously not... They're not that common.

Yeah. They exist, but you get a... Is it hard to play in Australia? I don't know. I'm not on a farm. I think you can do it, but I don't know the specifics. You can get a gun license because you need, like from like firing ranges and stuff,

which do exist in Australia. Yeah, okay. They're just not really around. Okay. And then from the gun license from there, you need to, I think you need a reason to own a gun. Yeah, yeah. And if I write,

to slay Christopher Columbus, in brackets, not the film director, the historical figure. He's a real man, I know. Close parenthesis. So I feel like no. Yeah, I feel like they don't give guns for murder. Not even time travel murder? Wait, you're using time travel, you're not just travelling to America

where you don't need a gun licence? Yeah, or travelling to any period of time where you don't need a gun licence. Yeah. Australia in the 80s? Yeah. Okay. Rather than going to the now, just go to the 80s.

All right. I'll go to the 80s where guns are apparently on the street. They're not on the street. But they're easy to get. It's more just like you could walk into a shop and be like, I need a hunting rifle. I'm like, yeah, fair enough. Fair enough, mate.

Go shoot that roo, mate. Start with the crows. Enjoy. I've got to go hunt some roos. Flame and glass. You don't already have one of these beauts? Jeez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Grab one of them from the 80s. I gotta go hunt some Flame and galahs you don't already have One of these beauts Grab one of them from the 80s

And then I go back to find Hunt Christopher Columbus So you fucked the Dutch again No Booze Okay so we're on the tootoonic Dammit's figuring out His own thing

He's fucking up the time stream Left right and centre He's like go forward in time to quickly google something Could I interest you in the drink? No Goodbye 1615 apparently is when the Dutch Said I'm going to have to kill a lot of people Yeah oh yeah

Since we're just taking weapons From the now, why don't we just, Zamit brings back the time. Just looking exhausted. Brings back the TARDIS before we jump on the to tunic. I'm like, you fucked this.

Yeah. Booze. Oh no. He sounds like that. Oh my God. He picked up the accent. We've got a solution. We've got a solution.

See, London was formed in 44 Odo. So if we go and destroy London, then no more Titanic. Okay. He's got a plan to destroy London, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what he said. No more Titanic if we destroy London.

Okay. Are we saving the Titanic by preventing its existence? That's something that... Yeah, does that count? We didn't need to take into consideration, but Joel Zammett's plan changed quite substantially to stop the iceberg, to stop the creation of the Titanic. Well, I was going to cause global warming,

but that seemed hard, so instead I decided to stop America. But then what if we go further back and we stop London? Why not go further back? I got it, boys. Uh-oh. I hop in the TARDIS. I'm like, is that a penny or not go further back? I got it, boys. Uh-oh. I hop in the TARDIS. I'm like, is that a penny or whatever you turn around? I'm in the TARDIS.

I'm off. Oh, no. I go back to the moment that fish crawled out of the sea. Yes. Hit it with a brick. Yeah, punch him in the head. No, you don't. Fuckhead.

Come back, everyone's crab, man. Oh, shit. It's great to imagine a big crab. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, we're crab men. Actually, to be honest, what did I think would happen? Guys, guys, we're crabs and the Titanic is still being built. Yeah, the Crab-tanic.

I mean, it's obviously designed for crabs, not humans. The ceilings are lower and it's called the Crab-tanic. I mean, it's obviously designed for crabs, not humans. The ceilings are lower and it's called the Crabtanic. In fact, it's mostly already submerged in water. Yeah. We've sunk the Titanic earlier. Yeah. But we've prevented the loss of life, maybe. Hang on.

All right, I'll go back to the first crab, snip its head off. Come back everyone's eels or something. Ah, this will keep happening Eel tanic Shit Shit So What if

Only problem is as an eel How do I go back and kill the first eel Yeah Cause at least with a crab You have crab hands I guess I can bite it We can bite you. I know.

First eel becomes too powerful. We become buff eels. Is this- Buff eel-tanic. Come back. Is this bad, though? Guys, we're eels, but strong. I miss my hands.

But we're so buff. Fair call. Fair call. We're like, you know, those bodybuilders' necks? Yeah, that's what we are. We're like a long tube of sausage. But veiny. We're basically a face, all neck, and then a noose.

That's good. We're slippery. I see the folly of my plan. Buff eel tannic. Let me return. And I guess if I kill that eel, or if I kill no one, we become human again? I think you've got to go back in time and kill you.

Oh, no, it's getting complicated. We've got to brain you before you kill the first. You stomp on that fish. Yeah. Or maybe you just distract yourself. Hey, idiot, we become an eel in the future. No way. That sounds good. You then have to go back a third time.

You don't become an eel, but you are an eel yeah fucking out it's just like you grab you guys none of the one of these is clearly better yeah it's better but do you see eel me or crab me? I'm so squishy as a man. At one point you die because you try and kill an eel as an eel. Why doesn't that work? Eels kill eels all the time. Cut. I am you as an eel and it happened.

I am so confused. I'm going to kill this fish. No! Just the shores of the primeval sea just littered with various horrible versions of me. A bird me walks up and pecks human me in the head.

Go back! None of this was worth it. Alright. Is Titanic still sinking? Yes! It's not even a problem anymore, dude. Everyone's craps. Or birds. Bird Tannic crashed the worst.

But we're not called TIE. It's not Human Tannic. In from my time. We're not called Tittmans. Yeah, hmm. Tiemans? Hmm. Anyway, I'm assuming Bird Me just kicks Human Me into the TARDIS.

And I tumble out and I'm like, it's crazy at the beginning of life. There's so many me's. I have made some choices. Yeah. You know, I went back to the beginning of time and got to choose what type of person we become. That's cool. No, we didn't. What?

No, I'm just a regular man. I had a crazy day. So, for us, we've not got on the Titanic yet. I'm just a regular man. I had a crazy day. For us, we've not got on the Titanic yet. I don't think we need to get on the Titanic because I like Joel Zammett's iceberg problem. But what if we simply went to the iceberg, just put like a fire on it so there's smoke that the Titanic sees?

Oh, yeah. I thought you were going gonna try and melt it at first well originally i was like my original plan before i thought about it slightly longer was go back to the now time travel back to now travel to now yeah going back to now back to now uh getting a molotov cocktail and then just putting it on the iceberg and see what happens but i realized that one molotov cocktail not going to melt. Maybe harder to get than a gun. No, I guess you can get a rag and a bottle of gasoline.

And also, again, the fuel source is very limited. It's cool then to imagine the three of us sitting on the iceberg around the fire just watching the Titanic come closer. They'll see us. I don't know if they've noticed it, dude. They'll see us. It's like, it's dark.

This fire is, I know you think this fire is big, but it's little. I know we didn't get to that point in the movie, but it happened at night, dude. They can't see the smoke. I think we're going to die in maybe a worse way than the people in the Titanic. I like the idea.

They're like forensic scientist is like There was how many people on the Titanic There's three extra bodies Where did they come from I like to imagine as the Titanic comes closer I'm like I'll climb down the iceberg and I'll just push it away Yeah Titanic

Scrinds me against the side of the iceberg What if A generator and a strobe light No no no Time travel is the solution It grinds me against the side of the ice. What if? Okay. Yeah. Okay, now I got it. A generator and a strobe light. No, no, no. Time travel's the solution. Okay. And now, a quick word from our sponsors.

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We go back in time to the guy who invented the boat. We say, shut up, bad idea. And then nobody invents the boat, we figure out something else. Can't sink if you're not on the sea. Like one of them Vikings? Yeah. Because isn't the boat one of those things where- Lots of cultures independently developed it and pretty early on.

Yes. Jackson, you find yourself back at the shores looking at the fish crawling out of the ocean being like- Don't invent boats. Oh, wait. Yes. Yeah. So, okay.

What did I say? We got to go. Oh, wait. Yes. Yeah. So, okay. What did I say? We got to go. We might have to become demigods. Okie doke. But like. Complicated. Complicated, but myths.

So basically, we just got to go to emerging cultures throughout history. Any time they start. Slap the boat out of their hands. Any time anyone. Again, we can go to the future, and hopefully Google will be invented, so we can future Google boats. Yeah.

And people have like, oh, this, this. When the boat was invented by independent cultures, we go back in time. We're like, yeah, early Mesoamerica. You can do whatever you want. Fuck whoever you want on the boats. Bye-bye. Exactly.

And we've got to use our future, our now tech, but for them, their future tech, to basically instill fear in the ocean. Yeah. Does that mean... I think Google doesn't have it. Does that mean planes? Trains and automobiles?

Do we ever cross the sea, you know? Ever? Or do we just stay on our own islands And that's that I like yelling at the guy when he comes out Get it with the sauce Don't invent boats Waddling alongside him

Listen I know you can hear me Basically yeah A myth It kind of goes through all the different cultures To be like boat bad Don't boat Yeah

How do we speak to? Yeah, I don't know the languages I think if I popped it out in the 1900s And spoke how I do now I think they would laugh at me And ridicule me for talking Alternatively, I'm familiar with the death penalty This boy talk weird

To the noose. Guillotined. Well, what if we went back to caveman times? Yes. So the cultures aren't even quite developing as independent cultures. Maybe even before Homo sapiens arrived, just when they're Homo erectus or whatever, we tell them not to make boats. Don't make boats.

Yeah. What about, same thing, we go back to Homo erectus and we make sweet love to Homo erectus and then we make a new thing. Definitely a wrong thing. Yeah. I feel like this is the

eel problem again. Titanic's not a problem anymore. But by creating a problem bigger than the Titanic, which I guess we've established is the biggest problem the world's ever had. Yes. Hell yeah. We've not solved it by making a homo Neanderthal Joel.

Joel-anderthal. I mean, we spent our day wisely, but I don't know if we've done what we needed to do. No, yeah. Like, I'm happy we went back in time and slapped some Neanderthal chips or whatever. What if we simply climbed up the tower and said, hey, there's an iceberg? What tower? What are you saying?

Like, on the Titanic. Oh, right. Into the crow's nest. Okay, so we get up there and we say, hey, look. There's an iceberg. They're like, who are you? Get down. I'll be like, no.

Do you have tickets? Yes. Just look. There's an iceberg. They're like, who are you? Get down. I'll be like, no. Do you have tickets? Yes. Just look. There's an iceberg. What if we sink on the Titanic? Okay. It's risky. Hang on a second.

So we got- No fucking sinks, dude. So we get to London in 1910. Yes. We have two years to work our way up to become captain of the Titanic. Captain of the Titanic. It sinks faster because we don't know how to drive a boat. You've got two years to train.

Wait, we've got a time machine. We've got a infinity time to train. I love that we've got two years we didn't use it wisely. Day before the Titanic ships off. Did you guys train how to use a boat? I didn't even get a job on the Titanic. I didn't even get a job the whole time I was here. I just like mostly just became accustomed to the 1900s way of living.

Yeah. I bought this fancy shirt. And this boot. This boot. I always wanted one of those boots where my toe sticks out. Yeah, you know those fancy boots? Fancy boots, my toes are cold. I don't know why the rich people have these.

They don't, Jackson. And they also wear two shoes. Oh, really? At least wear some socks. Well, that's not how I saw them wearing them in films. So I think, yeah, go get a boat license. Sure. Now, how does one become a captain of a boat?

I guess it's not a military boat. It's a private vessel. It's a cruise ship. Who owned the Titanic? Yeah. But I feel like that maybe driving a cruise vessel, you found something exciting. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. It says, as it says, who owned the Titanic in order to be built? And the first line is, RMS Titanic was actually owned by an American. Hey. Okay. Although the RMS Titanic was registered as a British ship.

It was owned by the American tycoon, John Pierpont. Okay. We're going to get John Pierpont. Give me your boat. Yeah. We got to befriend him. Yeah. Well, I'm going to separate plane.

Uh-huh. Okay, so one of the reasons that some people think that the Titanic sank is there was an Egyptian mummy on it, okay? Uh-huh. Cursed. Which was cursed. So if I travel back to ancient Egyptian times, become that mummy, but don't lay the curse.

Oh, yeah. What if you go back in time and you just find that mummy and say, don't do it? Yeah, don't do any curses. I know this is hard for you to comprehend, but in hundreds of years, you aren't listening. Are they just a person, like, hissing at you? Also, you're not even alive, mummy.

You're just a dead guy. I have too much power. Yelling at a corpse. Don't do it. Everybody around who's preparing the body for burial, can you please go? This is a time of mourning for us. He's going to curse a boat in the future.

That is of no concern to us. Are you on the boat? Because if so, I understand why he's doing it. No, I'm from the further future. I'm not affected by the boat. The only time I was affected was when I was showing my friend a porno. Not a porno, I forgot.

It's not a porno, but it's got titties in it. What is a porno? What is a porno? Gather round, my friends. I like to imagine I'm, you know how like they would bury the slaves of the Pharaoh with them? That happens to me. I just don't I'm, you know how like they would bury the slaves of the pharaoh with them? That happens to me.

I just don't return. Where'd he go? Where is Jackson? Died trying to load a porno on his phone. Upset he has no reception. Hang on, let me get to the top of this pyramid. What do you mean no service? What the fuck?

There was no phones in Egyptian times. That makes sense. Where am I going to be buried? Well, look, so it looks like people are saying they blame the captain for sailing such a massive ship at such high speeds through iceberg-heavy waters of the North Atlantic. So if we somehow become captains, and if we become a captain of that boat,

I'm pretty sure I can work out how to go slow. I might get yelled at and maybe, look, if I just delay the Titanic for a good hour, maybe even three, just by my faffing about. You're going to miss the iceberg entirely. All I've got to do is miss it by a few hours.

But I like to imagine this. You're slowed down. You see the iceberg ahead, but it's miles off course. You're not going to hit it. And then I step out of the TARDIS and I'm like, fellas, I just realized if we stop the Titanic, then James Cameron's Titanic will never get made. I will never be able to see the boobs in James Cameron's Titanic. And I promised you them boobs. Get back here.

Let them crash. You just like, the last thing before you step into the TARDIS again is just push the lever into full steam ahead. Sorry, everybody, but you understand. A director makes a good movie about this in the future. Do you really want to rob James Cameron of this? Who? But we've gone.

He makes Avatar next. He's making heaps more Avatars. No one wants them. I don't get it, but he's doing it. Cat people! You're like, shut the door. Oh, what about... Okay, so we know they're going to crash.

So what about, as a lovely parting treat, we get to show them all James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, that's nice! Hey, as the ship's going down, you're like, look, you've got a bit of time. The ship sinks for a couple of hours. You actually can't save it, so it's not worth trying. So just gather around, watch this three-hour film.

It's about you. How exciting is that? And we play an avatar. They're like, how is this about us? So the band don't play as the ship sinks this time. It's instead us with a projector. We wheel in like a TV with a DVD underneath. So then in the movie Titanicanic as a set of the band

playing and everyone whatever jame cameron gets to do a sneaky cameo or easter egg on his own movie that he'll event later on yeah yeah in titanic but we're watching it's avatar right because we have the wrong dvd yeah oh this is that it was the right one because i always wanted to watch like watch avatar with these folks yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And as the ship sinks into the ocean and we wait for the last second to get out of the TARDIS

and leave, they get to see Nate Theory and Jake Sully fall in love. Yeah, that was beautiful. Yeah, for Pandora. Yeah, you're welcome.

My last go-to plan because another thing is the captain thought the ship was unsinkable so what if I just sink it while it's being built so that he's like, when they've rebuilt it he's like it could be

sinkable just more careful yeah yeah that's a good idea but then no one gets to watch avatar i like to imagine we realize the ship's sinking and jackson's just like wouldn't it be funny if we were all nude thinking about like this will make the movie more exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm nude and someone write that down. Make sure everyone knows that there was a nude room and it was important stuff happened in it so it should be in a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly the Titanic was an orgy.

Can someone write that down? Really explicit. Full penetration happened all the time. Butts, dicks, pussies, tits, holes. All of the holes. Makes underlying holes. All the holes. Okay, now we got to make...

This is James Cameron's granddad or whatever. I got to find a safe. I got to put it in the safe so it's going to be okay when the Titanic sinks. And then, you know, in the 1990s, James Cameron finds my skeleton wrapped around the safe. Yeah. He's like, I'm not going to make this film. That's filthy. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. And I think we did it. We did it. Another success for the plumbing boys. Well done. The Titanic sank and we're responsible. The Titanic sank and we're responsible.