Plumbing the Death Star - Professor Charles Xavier's Crazy Summer

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

In which our heroes wave goodbye to the X-Men, wheel their way to the Avengers Tower, and fire Nick Fury as they ask: how would Professor X run the Avengers? We once again mock Hawkeye for being shit, get into an old fashioned Boop Off with Loki, and accidentally go to war with Asgard by traumatising their favourite prince. Jackson violates Thor, Zammit turns Iron Man into a butler, and Duscher just wants to perfect his Professor X voice. So knock the big A off the Avengers tower and replace if with an X and make the whole place wheelchair accessible because Xavier’s in for the craziest summer of his life and he’s not gonna let stairs get in the way.Want to help fund ramps for the newly furnished X-Tower? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month you can help this poor old cripple get aroundAnd don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-three books on the dangers of mind controlling Clint Barton too much. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, free to a good home. Have you got time to hear about our lord and saviour Joel Dusha? Then email us at sanspenceradio at gmail dot com and he promises to reply and guide you. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter, or our Patreon account, head to sanspenceradio dot com. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like What would happen if Professor Xavier was in charge of... Fuck, I'll do that again. Probably for the best.

Maybe. Or just don't edit it and I'll just... No, every time I say don't edit it, you don't edit it, and then it airs. Let's not do that. Well, for one, it would be called the X-Venges. But it would be completely unrelated to my name. It's about the X-Venging.

They'd be like, so we're avenging, yeah? And he'd be like, you're X-Venging. So we've venged, but we don't anymore, don't think too hard. Hang on. So is this about our Xs? No, no, no. It's not an E-X, it's? No, no, no. It's not an ex. It's an ex. Like the Gene.

Not Gene Grey Gene, but like the God of YouTube. I just have a suit of armor. I don't have the ex-gene. I'm a god. Well, you know, I know, but also I'm kind of in charge, so don't question me. So what do we think of this? Like already, it's a sassy operation. Already it's a dangerous, sassy operation.

So wait, is Professor X in this scenario replacing Nick Fury? So basically Xavier's going over where Nick Fury did recruit them. Is Tony Stark's house wheelchair accessible? Or is it more like... Well, there's a lift. Tony! Tony! And him opening the door.

What? The first time Nick Fury is, he recruits... He recruits Stark first? No. In the movie, he's like, hey, I want to talk to you about the Avengers initiative. And then he's like, just kidding. You're not good enough for it.

We don't want you. We want your suit I think Abomination is almost the first person that joins The first thing's going to be Xavier rolling up the ramp at Stark Tower being like Stark Look Tony, I don't want you, but I want your suit so I want to be able to walk again So already Tony Stark is not in the Avengers but Xavier is wearing a sweet Iron Man suit.

Professor X would be like, Tony, oh man, I need to work on my voice. Tony Stark, what do you want? Tony Stark. He'd be like, I want your suit but I also want it to be disabled because we've discovered this. Professor X. He wants the wheelchair. So basically, Tony, I want you to be disabled because we've discovered this. Professor X. He wants the wheelchair.

Tony, I want you to design me a suit, but when I sit down, wheels pop out of the legs. Tony, I want you to design me a suit that doesn't, the legs don't work. Basically, the legs are just useless metal and I'll hop inside and still be in the wheelchair. Tony will be like, but how will you fly? I won't.

And then when he uses the fucking repulsor beam, he'll go flying backwards. His wheelchair would fall over. Yeah, he'd be like, don't worry, I'll lock it in place. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, no, of course. Don't have me up, I've got this. To be my X-Men, I mean Avengers this To be my X-Men, I need Avengers To be my X-Vengers

Angel Alright, so Tony Stark, I feel Are we just getting the suit? I think we're either just getting the suit And because again, Fury was like, I want the suit And Tony was like, nah, but then But if Professor X is on the case I think Avengers now all have Iron Man suits.

Yeah, I think so. So that's a tick. Tony Stark is just a billionaire who's like, well, I guess I'll focus my attention elsewhere. No, he's probably like, I guess I'll go back to making weapons. Tony Stark would probably be future villain. For the X-Vengers? Potentially.

However, I think for at least the first film, he's making all of the X-Vengers? Potentially. However, I think for at least the first film, he's making all of the X-Vengers weapons. So he takes like a cue sort of role here. Yeah, he takes... So Tony Stark is now our cue and we all have sweet Iron Man fucking suits. Well, fuck. Imagine Thor but in an Iron Man suit.

Well, that scenario is like... Because how do they approach Thor? How do they get him into the initiative? What's the fucking post-credits scene for Thor? I don't think he is like they never really approached. I'm definitely gonna get angry tweets about this I haven't seen Thor in a long time listeners Isn't the post credits saying just like fucking what what's her name Sarah Jane whatever Thor's girl Jane Jane fine you there's. I knew there was a Jane in there.

Just being like, driving along and being like, oh, he's coming, catching a storm. Isn't it the post-credits scene? Like, it's got nothing to do with the Avengers? It's the dark world where that Frost Giant-y thing escapes and that Beast thing is in London fucking shit up. Never gets a dress gang. Yeah.

Just as an aside. Never gets a dress gang. London's wrecked. Do they never, like, formally ask Thor to be part of the Avengers? No, because that's why Thor chuffs off and then comes back and chuffs off, because yeah, I don't give a... He's more like the Avengers' mate really. Yeah. Huh.

Sort of like how Nightwing is like, hey, Batman, I'll help you fight, but I got other shit to do. I got blood here I'm gonna fucking take care of. Well, then I imagine that Tony's... Maybe fucking Nick Fury wouldn't, but Professor Xavier would hunt down Thor. Isn't Thor only joining the Avengers because Loki's the bad guy in the Avengers?

Yes. Huh. Because he comes to- They have a fight. Yeah, they have a three-way fight. Well, I think the moment he lands, Professor X is wheeling his way up to him being like, Hey, excuse me. You, Thor, I noticed you're super good at...

Your boop-boop-boop powers do not work on a god. Well, let's try. Boop-boop-boop, fist your own arsehole. Yes, I think we know who's in charge here. It would be exactly the same. Can you imagine the humiliation poor Phil would feel why

I don't know it's just where we're at man I don't know okay so Phil is on a mountain fisting some soul Professor X just said that boop boop boop

yes good still haven't quite figured out I'm doing 50 socks all at once. Professor X just said that. Boop, boop, boop. Yes, good. Still haven't quite figured out my Professor Xavier voice, but I'm going to give it a red hot go at this today. This today. Ouch, it hurts. And then I think he'd be like, I can offer you a sick suit.

Sorry about that. You just needed to prove my dominance or something. I knew a doctor. He'll stitch you right back up. I was imagining it pleasant. He wasn't just going for it. Professor X's gentle way for thought of his own arsehole. It just doesn't happen. I got it.

I got it. I got it so much. Because he'd be standing so majestically with his cape bellowing in the wind. And his fist firmly in his rectum. We peaked too early, guys. This episode's done. This is the logical conclusion for Plumbing the Death Star. Three of us choke at our own laughter, imagining

fists. We're back. We're back. Thor's on site. Thor is not on the team. Thor maybe just gets his hammer and slams it into fucking Professor X's fragile skull. In retaliation. Or at least just tips him off the mountain. Gentle push.

He's like, you might be able to make me fist my own asshole, Professor X. Is this mountain wheelchair accessible? No! It'll be like the 300 scene, except it's kicking him into a hole. He's just kicking him down a hill. I like how it's a professor. Bounce him down a hill backwards. Fuck you.

Well, I'll die like you never lived. Fisting my own... My face hurts from laughing. Mercy me. I think me and Zammett are actually crying and you're pretty close. This is the closest to tears we've all come.

Oh, wow. Okay, so. My mouth hurts. It's actually kind of hard to talk now. My fucking stomach. I hope listeners are sitting at home being like, that wasn't that funny what's wrong with this people let's go with Hulk

okay so Thor just didn't happen Thor's like I'm tripping back up to Asgard Earth is fucked I need a break from Thor right now

there's little bald wheelchair men making you it's not good down there he comes back up and Odin's like I sent you to Earth Thor needs some I bet Thor just being like I being like, I learned my lesson.

I learned my lesson. Yep. Take me back. And he's sort of like, give it a low key. He's sort of just like stumble in, like walking with his legs apart like a cowboy. Like, what happened? He's like, just fuck Earth all the time. That's a bad place.

Thor just pushes over fucking the gatekeeper just swords it's her earth is just inexhaustible it's like we're not going back that place is fucked i like that hemdall the duke you poor son of a bitch you fucking better not have seen it you know what i love that we're like how would professor x look after the x-men and i mean at the avengers and the first two he's fucked it's not been like one he's like I'm basically fucking demoting

you to butler and the other he just look I've got look Thor baby I tried my dominance a bit too hard look Thor was a mistake that's on me whoops whoopsie daisy but so we don't have a god but but Loki, hi, how you doing?

I can, you know. I don't care. Loki's not coming to Earth now. Because Loki comes to Earth in Thor. I imagine this was at the fight where Loki was on the mountain. And Loki's just seen Thor fist himself. I mean, like, sure, I'll do what you want. Can we get Loki on side?

There's no villain. There's no villain. There's no villain. That's great. That's good. Going back to Hulk. Win by technicality. Yes. Okay, here's what I think what would happen with Hulk.

I'm just going to interject because I'm worried someone will say it first. Yep. And I hate that. No, it never happens because I'm always talking first because I talk loudest. He'll come down with his mind. Nah, close. He would repress Hulk

and the problem is Professor X would use his mind powers to just trigger Hulk randomly yep how good it would no longer be down

to Bruce Banner being like the secret is I'm always angry even though that's clearly not the secret he'd be like the secret is sometimes Professor X just makes it happen

help and also Professor X would just newspaper in hand having a pipe by the fire. Today is a bit boring. Hulk attack in New York, everybody! Exvengers assemble.

This will pass the time. Like a fireman that lights his own fires. I was going to say, with Hulk, I kind of imagined that he's not even like it's like Bruce Banner's not even aware he's part of the X-Ventures he's like just come hang at this mansion of mine

oh we're just going down to where there's trouble boop boop boop boop do it again Hulk smash Hulk smash puny man in wheelchair I guess well not him Hulk push puny man in wheelchair Hulk carry puny man in wheelchair I guess not him Hulk push puny man in wheelchair Hulk carry puny man in wheelchair gently

Hulk put him on shoulder Good this is what I wanted To fulfill my Iron giant fantasies Yes Hulk charge at my enemies Hulk you're like superman What Nevermind

Punch my brother in the face Good Superman. What? Whatever. Punch my brother in the face. Alright, so Hulk's probably on side, but yeah, Professor X would be the only person in control. He'd just be like, enough Hulk now, boop boop boop. Hulk is no longer an issue. Hulk is no longer

unpredictable. Hulk is only unpredictable to himself. Let's go Black Widow first, because I have another idea on her. I feel like the whole time he'd just make quips at her that he's like, you know, like Jean Grey,

but worse. Do you know Jean Grey once had a cosmic force inside her? You have guns sometimes. Like, don't get me wrong, I love the red hair. That's one of my things. But I love it.

But everything else, I mean, look, I've got a gun. Look, I'm as useful as you. He's not that impressive. And then she'd put it down his legs. And he'd be like, I don't even equip, but you're a cripple. You're very rude.

Guess who's going to have the mind of a three-year-old? So Black Widow's drooling? But also Black Widow, he'd be like, love the suit. That's true. Yeah, he would. He would give her an Iron Man suit as well. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's like, well, look, you're shit alone,

but if I put you in this sick suit, remember Tony Stark? I basically just took them. He works for us now. He decides the board. He made Hulk a suit. You know, Biff from Back to the Future. Hulk bossed a suit, but with Hulk in it. Uh-huh, uh the board. He's an idiot. He made Hulk a suit. You know Biff from Back to the Future? Hulk bossed a suit but with Hulk in it.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's so useless. But now Hulk can fly. Oh, no. Hulk has already jumped. Is it like Bruce Banner getting an Iron Man suit and then he makes him Hulk and wrecks the Iron Man suit? Oh, right.

Yeah. Of course. Tony, could you build one for his Hulk form? That'd be great. So Black Widow's on side in an Iron Man suit, which I think is super useful. But her self-esteem is at an all-time low. Potentially, yes.

But all that stuff with the Red Room and the ballet assassination, guess who can just repress the shit out of that and make her forget? A little bit of a boop-boop-boopin'. We're fine. We're fine again. Life's okay with a bit of boop-boop-boopin'. Hawkeye? I feel...

I feel like Professor X would hate him. Yeah, I feel like he would laugh in his face. No time for him whatsoever. He's like, what did you do? Bells and arrows. You're a piece of shit. No, seriously, what did you do? What are you,. You're a piece of shit. Seriously, what do you do? What are you, in the circus?

Is that what this is? I've got one of those. Can you teleport? You know who can fire an arrow, Hawkeye? Literally anyone. No, like, let's talk about it, because I'm embarrassed for you. I can fire... It was close.

You're getting there. I can fire an arrow and I have no legs, technically. Well, not technically. Oh, cripple's up. Whoa. Jumped on the cripple. I don't think he'd ever call me. Clint, give me your arrow. Give me that bow. Look.

I just did what you did. Clint, have you ever seen a gun? Black Widow has guns. Black Widow is effectively useless and she's on the team. We gave her an Iron Man suit. I figured I gave you an Iron Man suit you'd wasted by using bows and arrows. You're kind of pathetic, Clint.

Calling yourself Hawkeye as well. Like from M.A.S.H.? Is that what you mean? He was a much better Hawkeye than you. Yes. Anyway. Fania, handsomer. It's a no is what I'm getting at, Hawkeye. It's a no from me.

So I think we've created our first villain. Yeah. Hawkeye. Hawkeye. Hawkeye is our villain. We'll table that. Maybe also Thor. Also Thor.

Oh, no. Yeah, because Thor would still be fighting Loki, because Loki would have been like Earthrealm's Earthrealm. Now it's Mortal Kombat. Earthrealm's mine! But also Loki's now on our side. Yeah. And we'd give Loki a sweet suit. But Loki would also be like, boop boop boop, whoop, Loki has a boop boop boop stick.

Holy shit, it's a boop-off! It's a good old-fashioned boop-off! He would get Hawkeye on our side again anyway, and then Professor X would just be like, why? I feel like Loki would get scolded by Xavier. What do you mean you booped him back? I just had like a whole thing. Oh, that's how Loki turns on us and Loki's the bad guy again.

Him and Professor X clash with their booping. Yeah, they do. Only I can have boop powers. Give me that stuff. Give it back. Give it back. It's like a cripple fight. like, is Loki grabbing the stuff, and then Xavier, like, you know, in a wheelchair, grabbing it as well, like, give it. Come on now.

So good. Give it back. Give it. You would also get, because you'd have probably Hawkeye's brain turned to mosh, because you've kicked him off the team with booping, and then's been like oh pure I'll just change your heart boop boop boop and then Professor's like

no no no no boop boop boop Loki's back now no he's back now mmm mmm liquid brain just pouring out of

Hawkeye's ears he's dead rest in peace we tried so now it's just gone so anyone else who's recruiting

in the Avengers? Captain America Captain America I imagine that it's a gone so anyone else who's recruiting in the Avengers Captain America Captain America I imagine that it's a very rough and rude transition like instead of him waking up in a little

1950s room it's like he wakes up in the danger room he wakes up with Xavier staring at him so I hear you've missed out on

60 years of Earth history just mind-meld with me for a moment boom boom boom boom there boom, boom. There you go. Basically, here's history for you.

Goodbye. Captain America's just, like, standing there shocked, and there's just blood. It's crying blood. Now you must fight for me, is how it's going to work. Although, Professor X, in days of future past, I'm taking it to a movie, which is rare. Yeah.

When Logan wakes up after being in the 70s, he's just like, I've missed like 50 years and Professor X is like, you're the history teacher now. So maybe Professor X wouldn't even help. Yeah, he'd be like, I've missed so much. Yeah, you have, but you're by like general, so I need you

to lead this team. Basically, Thor's attacking the city, so go out. So then he'd be like, who's Thor? Well, you'll see when you get there. He's a gross pervert. He fisted his own asshole. Foul. I was there.

The stench was unbearable. Right on top of a mountain. In front of his brother. It was gross. It was gross. See, get him. He's got some problems. You've got 1950s values, yeah?

You're against gays. Are you? Boop, boop, boop. You are now. I'd like to imagine Professor X is a little bit homophobic. Are you? Are you? I've got a great position here.

In general, if you answer this question right. Opinions. We don't have a don't ask or don't tell policy we just have a don't policy. Because even if you don't ask I will know and I'll boop boop boop you don't anymore.

Professor X, a monster. It's less a don't ask don't tell more a you did now you don't policy. Yes. Which is super funny, considering X-Men's are a metaphor. Yep. For reference, one day she's like, oh, no.

That's what this is? Oh, I get it. Oh, no. Shit. That's not what I wanted to do. That's one of the instances where he broops himself every time he comes to that realization. Oh, there. Shit. That's not what I wanted to do. That's one of the instances where he brrp-brrp-brrps himself every time he comes to that realization. Oh, there we go.

Who else is there? Ant-Man? Ant-Man. He has a hundred feet. Can you go tiny? Can you go super tiny? Can you go inside people's urethra and... Because I need...

I wouldn't mind a guy like that. Mostly because I, myself, have kidney stones. I need them out. I need somebody to sort them out for me. Can you make a... That's Ant-Man's greatest talent. Can you go super tiny so you can go into a man's urethra and explode his dick?

Basically, I've got a lot of kidney stones that need to be taken care of. I'm a little bit afraid of surgery. Can you go in there? And while you're there, like, just pop around the back and just punch my prostate because that is just great. I can feel that and I need it. Yes? Is that... Yes. I super love the idea of like you know like ant-man fight scenes in the movie where

it's like he's tiny he gets big punches a guy tiny punch like that but it's just four guys standing there and they just grab their dicks and you just like ah ah ah as their penises explode one by one no they explode because ant-man's getting big in them, though. So he'd just appear in front of them. Yeah, you're right. It's not like he's putting tiny dynamite in each of them. Although I like that idea better. That is good. Like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

And they're like, what the fuck was that? Let's see, you've got Scarlet Witch and... Oh, yeah. Quicksilver. Quicksilver. Well, do we want to go through the events of Avengers 1? Actually, we both have been like, we've missed. Well, do we want to go through the events of Avengers 1? Actually, we both would be like, we've missed. Yeah, so Avengers 1.

Avengers 1, Loki's not an outside because of a boop, boop, boop conundrum. But then, again, Loki is based on what you see in the fact that on the mountain, Professor X got Thor, the infamous

fisting himself on a mountain saga. Yeah. 12 issues. Thor 1, Thor 2. Now he's just Thor. Yeah. Now he's just Saw. That's what I tried to...

Thor. That's what I took away. A little bit of wordplay for the listeners. So I'm guessing Loki's probably afraid of Xavier. Yeah fair enough. I am. And also he could just boop boop boop

him onto the side again so there's no real. Well okay but still Thanos is opening a hole or did Loki open the hole? He'd send someone

else down. He'd send Thor down. He'd be like hey Thor fuck Xavier that guy's an actual monster and Thor would be like yeah and he'd be like

do you want to just fuck Earth over and Thor would be like I really do'd be like do you want to just fuck Earth over and Thor would be like I really do I do I would super love to I think he would kidnap Jane Foster

to be like you're an Asgard now because Earth is a horrible place you're an Asgard you're an Asgard you're an Asgard Jane

and a thumpin' good one so she's in Asgard and they're always like we're gonna kill and destroy Midgard Midgard is full of we we need to start again. So they send in the little fucking centipede fish demons and the Chitauri or whatever they are.

Yeah, the Chitauri. I feel like with Thor inside, you'd also get Asgardian. Like you'd get like Lady Sif and Hemdall. We're going to war with Earth. So Avengers 1, X-Vengers 1. X-Vengers 1. Is like Earth v. Asgard. Asgard wins?

Yes. Asgard wins because literally the X-Vengers consists of a traumatized Hulk, a very sad Black Widow in an Iron Man suit. And Iron Q, or Tony Q. But he's not fighting. Is it literally just the two of them yeah he's making our weapons

and Loki who keeps changing sides yeah that's not enough guys and also Hawkeye is also now with

the Guardians as well if he's not dead I like to imagine Professor X rolling up in an Iron Man suit in his wheelchair being like

why have you got Hawkeye on your team, Zor? You birds. I feel this is going to be Hawkeye. Oh, we've got Ant-Man as well. Oh, we've got Ant-Man. Dick exploding Ant-Man. I feel...

Dick dynamite Ant-Man. Is going to sell Earth to Asgard. He's going to wheel up to Odin and just be like, look, okay, you've gone to war. It's yours. I don't even care. You can have it, whatever. Take it. Who gives a shit? You have Midgard.

Fuck you. Done. And then he's going to wheel down to his secret bunker. You know what? Based on the skill set we've seen Professor X show, we might get the ending of Thor 2, but with Professor X on the skill set we've seen Professor X show, we might get the ending of Thor 2, but with Professor X on the throne rather than... Like, Professor X is like, anyway, it's yours, enjoy,

and then he's like, into the portal. Then he just like wheels up the rainbow bridge. Like, bite it out, idiot. I'm your god now. Like, Odin wasn't really a god. I'm your god. I'm your god. Oh, yeah yeah so asgards come down all of asgardians

all the gods that come down to fuck shit up with earth while that's happening they're like where's xavier xavier's in a sneaky like gets like hemmed out on side or something poured it up take away the sword so they they're all trapped in earth and he's like now I'm King of Asgard I like that this version of Professor X, like I don't know why he created the X-Fangers honestly we never came up with any kind of motivation he just did and then he abandoned them on Earth

they're like at the X-Fangers tower being like what are we meant to do here? And also they've lost they're probably dead and he doesn't even care and then when Pietro and Wanda come along, they're going to be like, Tony Stark, you created weapons that killed our family. You're still creating weapons and

he doesn't have an Iron Man suit. He's fucked. He's fucked. They kill him. They just kill him. Straight up kill him. And then nobody's making Ultron, I guess. That's good. I mean, hey, well done. He still could. But we do have an Asgard in Occupation of Earth. What if Tony Stark is like...

We've got an Earth Occupation of Asgard as well. Really? It's a win-win. What if Tony Stark was like, I need Professor X back for direction and just made Ultron but crippled? Put him in a wheelchair? Basically, Ultron is like a robot version of Professor Xavier

so he's got Xavier's personality none of his powers, his personality in the frame of like a metal man and he's like, he wheels up and he's like we need to take Asgard and then it's Robot Professor X vs Man Professor X

in a no boops off because Robot 1 wouldn't have the power and you can't boop, boop, boop a robot. It's the perfect... Are you crying? I feel like the robot would be like, I am Professor X. Boop, boop, boop.

You can't be Professor X. You can't even boop, boop anyone. Seriously, come on. Try and do it. I'll lower my defenses. Go on. You can't, can you? Because you're a robot, You piece of shit. Come on

and I'll fight you. Yeah, but how are we getting Ultron X up to Asgard is the question. Extron. I feel that there's going to be a truce now with Earth and Asgard. Because Asgard have figured out what Professor X have done. When they went to retreat and they're like, the bridge is gone. Son of a bitch.

They have no need to go up against Midgard anymore because like, oh, it was just him. It was clearly a long con ruse for somehow Xavier to take the throne of Asgard. Ex-God. Yeah, I was going to say Ex-God, yeah. Xavier calling down from the heavens, it's called Ex-God now. I renamed it to after me. No, it's to do with the X gene.

Nothing to do with the X gene. Nothing to do with the X gene. But not Gene Gray. You know what I like? I like that he's aware of Gene Gray. So clearly in this scenario, he had the X-Men and was like, no, you know what? This is sort of boring. Well, I think they've chuffed off into space.

So this is the in-between issues, where the X-Men have gone into into space and deal with fucking Daken and the Shi'ar

and the and the board Professor X is like I wonder if I could have Asgard like I wonder if I could

like it'd be kind of neat if I just owned like if I was in charge over there yeah like I've done a lot of like random hold battles and there's only so many

of them you can do the answer is 14 by the way but there's only so many of them you can do. The answer is 14, by the way. But there's only so many. Maybe if I just go and make Thor fist himself as a good start, and then see where it goes from there. Just kind of ad-lib the whole thing. He's taken control of all the citizens of Asgard. Jesus.

I don't know. I don't know if like just like your your joe q asgard is also a thor or if he's just like a basic dude i don't know why thor is so special well no because loki isn't from asgard and he's he's frost giants similar xavier recruiting frost giants as loki as odin as it's like him wheeling through the snow just with like shitty chains like this

it's cold it's cold you know what would happen he would use his Iron Man suit which I'm imagining he's still wearing this whole time

but without a helmet but he wouldn't use it to fly he'd just use the beams to shoot tracks like the slide across the ice Frost Giants

where are you wheel me basically people are gonna come attack Slacks? He's like a slide across the ice. Frost Giants, where are you? We are Lothar. Basically, people are going to come attack. What do you want? The Infinity Gauntlet or something? Someone was after that. You've got one. I guess you could have...

Oh, he's going to have all the destroyers. Like the destroyer on his side as well. Dang. Professor, okay. Xavier might be wearing that at one point. I'd love to imagine Professor X with just the Infinity Gauntlet in one hand. Like a destroyer helmet on. Yeah.

What is that for? I'm better than Scott right now. There'd be so many forces pulling and pushing him. He'd just be spinning around all the time. How am I? He would have a good time. Xavier would just be having a ball. He'd be just like a pig

and shit. Just be like, this is the best time for me. If he was in charge of the Avengers from the first Avengers film, he would just run the universe by the end of the second. There just wouldn't be anything. Like, there's just... It'd all be like a giant long con that he didn't really plan.

He'd just end up there. It's like, today is a good day. He'd be like, I'm going, you know, like, fucking the Asgardians have landed. He's like, I'm going to go down and sort it out. And as he's, like, wheeling there, he's like, no, what? If they're down here. They're all down here. I wonder if anyone's on Asgard.

I'd love to imagine, like, Odin standing there with, like, his big spear. I forget what weapon he has. Like a staff? Whatever. Just standing there being, like, Professor X. Professor X just wheels past him into the beam. What? No!

Fucking beam disappears. Professor X is like, oh, well, that was easy. Good, I guess. He's having a conversation with Odin as he's just sort of like pivoting his wheelchair closer to the beam and backing out. No, like, oh, you're coming to get us? I'm super scared. No, I'm just rearranging. It's not a problem.

Look, I'm sorry. Look, the sun's in my eyes, and you've only got one eye. I feel if we just... Could you just move over here? I'll just move. Look, the bouncing of your eye patch into my face is becoming... Look, you just move here. Okay, cool.

Now. Foof! Just push back with his wheelchair. Kick off Odin's chair wait his legs don't work his Iron Man propulsion into the portal so to answer the question

what would happen if Professor X ran the Avengers based on the film series he wouldn't run the Avengers he'd run the universe he'd run the world it wouldn't be him really running the Avengers, it'd just be Xavier having a wild time. And then the X-Men get back and he's like,

it just comes back to them, he's like, I had a crazy summer. Credits. He'd wink, credits. And Asgard just started to come down on the X-Mansion. Where have you been, Professor X? I did some shit. Anyway, what was it like in space? I was in space, too, for a bit.

Different part of space. But it was kind of like space. You know, it was fun. It was a fun summer, but I'm happy to get back to X-ing, X-man-ing stuff now. Yeah, we've still got my brothers on the loose. You know, so we'll sort that out down the track. I think the world's mad at me, so maybe also by extension you now. I don't know.

We'll see how things progress. But you're on my side, right? Gene, you still got the Phoenix Force? No. Yes? You're still on my side? No. You don't?

You lost it? Let's get out of that. I hung out with someone who was like a shit version of you, Gene. She was awful. Let me tell you all about it. Come inside. In my mind, he was in the bath. Come inside.

Not in the bath. That's weird. You sit on the towel rack. Pass me a towel for my head. Professor X would be the type of person. He's just like the fucking thing everyone does with the hair and the towel. But he's sitting in the bath and that's smirking a pipe, in his wheelchair still. Let me tell you about Natasha and, oh, my God, Hawkeye.

What a piece of shit. He's dead now. But anyway, the world is a better place. This is a story titled Professor X's Crazy Summer. Everyone, gather round. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel who still hasn't

quite mastered the voice, but you'll forget now cause boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Everyone, best episode ever. What a mess. That was brought to you by Robert. Sorry, Robert. This episode was brought to you by Robert sorry Robert this episode was brought to you by Robert

who donated money to us on Patreon so thank you very much for that I hope you enjoyed it I'm terribly sorry Robert I really hope Thor wasn't your favourite character because if so I would feel terrible

we've got to discuss some things. If you also want to choose a topic for Plummy the Death Star or Shut Up a Second, just jump on our Patreon. Chuck us some money our way

and we're literally obliged. Yes, we're legally contracted to do something. I love you all. Except for you. You know who you are. Hawkeye.

Probably Hawkeye. Hawke. Hawkeye. What are those in. Hawke. Hawkeye. What if that was in the sky? Oh, just a bunch of hawks. Is that how you came up with your name, Clint? You just saw a bunch of hawks and like, Hawkeye?

And you're like, what if I have a hawk? That reminds me of arrows. Fucking idiot. What kind of costume? You gonna have purple? What, you thinking royalty? You're not.

You're a piece of shit. God, I hate you. Use at least a spear. Spears are cool. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.