Plumbing the Death Star - Ratatouille is Bad, But What Animal Would Be Worse?

Episode Date: July 5, 2020

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, Ratatouille's bad, but what animal would be worse? Crab We all agree Jackson, shut your fucking mouth for a second We have something worse to explore Than whatever dog shit you're about to say Joel Zammett, crab, what?

Yeah, look, first off, crab Slimy, alright, that's gonna suck when it crawls up the back of your neck And lands on your head A crab is slimy? A crab is slimy! No, you've confused crab being wet with crab being slimy Snails are slimy Crabs, they're out of shell when they're wet

It's a bit slimy So imagine that gross carapace that's a bit wet Crawling up the back of your neck as it lands on your head. Secondly, imagine when they dry out a bit how gross that's going to feel. Thirdly, they're going to use their gross claws on my hair. And I hate that. So that's just how it feels on my head. Can a crab...

This is a question about crabs. Can a crab... If it's... How gentle could a crab be cut your hair off every time plus their little their little feet a little little stabby things into my head that's gonna suck i hate it already hurt a lot i guess how big a crab are we talking? What level? Well, I was either thinking... Four. Level four crab. What? Creepers.

I didn't realise that either. Yeah, either a level four crab, or I was thinking those giant coconut crabs, those coconut tree crabs that are just huge. And you've got to wear just a big fat beanie on your head to keep the crab from dying. Plus, what does a crab want? A crab wants me to borrow myself in sand And to be wet

Dude if it's a coconut crab it wants coconuts That's what it wants And the terrible Here's where your life's going to be hell Is that the coconut crab's going to drive you over to a coconut And then with your bare hands Try and make you open a coconut Just slamming into a coconut

Stop it Mr. Crab Zabit's head's really writhy And his hand is broken Do you think he's okay? I'm gonna be wet But not a good wet Not a good shower slash bath kind of submerged wet I'm gonna be sand wet I'm gonna be sand wet

I'm gonna be covered in wet sand I hate that feeling I still can't believe you've claimed the crabs are slimy Yeah that's gonna be throwing me off Hey another question about crabs Do crabs need water to be in? I think so So I'm gonna have to submerge myself

In a bucket of seawater But it's seaw water it's the grossest water what sea water yeah the worst water is toilet water we know this the worst water is swamp water guys that's basically wet mud yeah well that was gonna say is swamp water actually just mud i don't know i've never been in a swamp. Wow, that's a big reveal. This late into Plumbing the Death Star, Jackson Bailey, who we all assume lives in a swamp, reveals he has not been in a swamp before. Never been in anything

designated a swamp. Been in wetlands and marshes. Never been in a swamp. A marsh, just not a swamp? I don't know. Would I have to be laying sort of on my back in the sea? To kind of get crab a little submerged?

I'll look up a picture of a coconut crab real quick. To just gauge where we're at. Coconut crab and fires and spurts. Plus the crab's gross little eyes with little stalks that go up and down. No, thank you. Fucking lord, Zammett. You're going to die. Jackson saw a picture and looked like he was going to throw up,

which is rare for Jackson. Oh my God. Dusha, look up a coconut crab and tell me you don't want to chuck your guts up. They're disgusting looking. Coconut crab. You're going to have to wear a huge beanie because they're bigger than your head. Look, some kind of big hat.

Here's what you do, Zamit. You wear a 10-gallon hat from now on. Yeah. So, you know, that on my head is going to suck because it's just going to feel wrong. Oh, yeah. It's carapace alone is enough to drive me to drink. And because it's controlling me, I can't drink.

What does a crab eat? Coconuts. It's a coconut crab. Yeah, but apart from coconuts Do they eat like, do they just shove Probably just coconuts All I can imagine is it shoving gross sand In it's gross little crab mouth

No, so coconut crabs Eat coconuts exclusively The same way that apes eat exclusively bananas As cartoons have taught me Okay, absolutely, of course Hey, Zammett, if you had to open a coconut with your bare hands, how would you do it? Let's see.

First off, I would try and rip off all, like, the husks, you know, like the furry bit kind of thing. First off, I'd use that with my bare teeth, just kind of, like, really getting in there. Oh, my God. Then what I would try and do is try and slam it onto a rock uh-huh great and and if that didn't work um maybe hang on i do i do have access to like a machete you know i can use tools yeah i feel coconut crab no like i guess like remi the rat like

yeah like ratatouille's not like hey hey, hey, pick up that burning fish with your hands. He's like, here's a spatula. Put it in the hot soup. Yeah, that's true. So I feel this might be why. Remy has read a book, though. Has your crab read a book? We're assuming the crab maybe is like, okay, I've read a book, A, on how to Ratatouille a guy,

I've read a book, A, on how to ratatouille a guy, and B, the best things to do with a guy once I've ratatouillied them. So I feel like a crab using me to get coconuts is probably beneficial. You've got to work out what is the parasitic relationship here. Why is this crab wanting to use me? I have hands i'm big not as big as maybe the crab i'm big so yeah using a machete explore that your crab not only so first of all oh they're actually hermit crabs guys i'm not i don't like that i'm learning this but then your crab also just looked up cool stuff to do once you've ride a two-whe a guy. He's going for like a general, like, I want to do it,

but when I'm there, what's next? And then he was like, oh, opening coconuts. Yeah, sweet. It's fucked imagining Zamet sort of by the sea. Let me just paint a picture for you. Okay. Zamet, he's by the sea in denim cutoffs. Of course.

Squatting down, slamming a coconut on a rock 10 gallon hat hiding the coconut crab yeah the coconut explodes on the rock we're like what's he doing out there terrible coconut crab claws come out from under the hat near his brow scuttle down his face grab the coconut scuttle back up i would would drown Joel Zabit in fear. Just trying to subtly shove bits of coconut into the hat. Yeah, look, I found something gross more about... I'm learning so much about coconut

crabs that I didn't before, and it's all not good for me. It's bad when Plumbing the Death Star teaches you lessons. Coconut crabs eat coconuts, of course, but they also eat dead animals, their own body parts, and each other. So, oh, no. Hey, Zammett, what happened to your arm? I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Zammett, why do you keep eating coconut crabs or killing coconut crabs? Are they for you or for another purpose? Okay. Hey, here's some other more facts. coconut crabs? Are they for you or for another purpose? Okay, hey, here's some other more facts. They have an amazing sense of smell, which might explain why they're thieves, and coconut crabs are pretty

antisocial. That's alright. And they carry their developing young under their abdomens. Oh, no. Which is now directly pressed onto your skull. So, I not only have a giant coconut crab controlling my brain i also have its young nestled in between it and my scalp hey do you know how coconut crabs can live for 60 years i don't your coconut crab's gonna outlive you joel zammett at least you know

remy the rat it's dead in tow. Yeah absolutely. Wow nobody ever explores what happens when Remy dies. Like Linguini can't run a restaurant. There's no other brilliant chef rats. Yeah but I feel Linguini might be happy. How long does a rat live? Briefly.

Yeah. Not long. Two years. So I imagine coconut crab's legs I'm going to double down on slimy A little bit slimy That hard carapace With that fur that sometimes hermit crabs You know that weird thing they have on their little feelers

Imagine that just brushing up against your scalp Does it talk? Can they talk? Can they talk? Do they talk to you? Or are they telepathically linking? Well, Remy the rat speaks English to other rats, but Linguini can't understand him. He just does mouse noises for Linguini.

Oh, no. But he can understand Linguini to the point where he can nod and shake his head. Yeah. So the coconut crab knows what you want, but you are in the darkest. A coconut crab has no neck. It can't nod.

Well, you can say, clap your pincers twice for no and once for yes. But he might be thinking, that's a good way for him to take his pincers off my hair and I'm free. Yeah. Yeah. How would you free yourself from being coconut crab the two-weed?

What would be your move? I suggest a hammer. Some kind of walnut kind of cracker to crack its giant claws. Basically what they use to cook and eat crabs. Oh, slowly submerge myself into a bath and just keep upping the hot water. Yeah. Oh, I just need to make my head wet. You love to be wet, Coconut Crabtooey.

And then you just dunk your head in a pot of boiling water. You know what's going to happen. It's going to crawl down your face and you're going to just boil your head. I'm going to scold myself. Also, at that point, he has control of me. So guess who's getting their hand in a pot of boiling water just to kind of prove dominance and punish me for even trying to... Can it read my thoughts?

I feel it can. No, it can't read your thoughts. I think you're okay on that front specifically. Yeah. Okay, you've picked a pretty bad one. Yeah. I've just quickly checked what temperature does a crab die. Yeah.

Google has no answers for me. It's a mystery. Yeah. A crab clearly just wants to eat, kick it sweet, and maybe just get, like, submerged in sandy water. So I'm going to get real wet and wrinkly and and also my hands are gonna be very sore i don't think he's gonna improve my life like how here's a good question and this could be our metric for whether or not this animal is a good

a two-e um how long does zamet live lifespan pre-cpan pre-crab, post-crab. So, Joel Zammett probably has at least another 40 to 50 years of life currently. Thank you. Adding a coconut crab to his head, I would say four to five months. Yeah. And what also I'm reading here is because they are hermit crabs. So, imagine it just kind of will use my mouth oh no as and and skull as as it's kind of home and i feel there's going to be a transition period where i'm dead and it is going to be

controlling me and no one is going to know until i start scuttling a bit too well yeah i think there's going to be what's going to happen is is you're gonna get coconut crab or two eat you're gonna be like zamit's he's changed yeah and then we won't see you for a while and then one day we'll be at the beach you were always at and there'll just be a skull with a crab in it crawling along and we'll be like we should have uh we should have done something yeah well also the thing that might kill you Is the fact that it will probably use your Big man size to pick fights with other Coconut crabs That's true So I'm guessing I'm going to be

Fighting a lot of crabs Help And then yeah I feel The coconut crab will Use my skeleton Because it's big enough as a house Yeah for sure Rotting flesh That's worse than Remy crab will use my skeleton because it's big enough as a house. Rotting flesh. That's worse than Remy. That's worse than Remy. And like my

rotting flesh will attract other coconut crabs, which means then like it's basically using me as a trap to lure other coconut crabs that I will then have to fight and eat. So yeah, like so this coconut crab has wiped 40 to 50 years off your life.

Yep, yep, yep. All Remy does to Linguini is cost him his inheritance. Yeah, and shit in his hair. That's it. And shit in his hair. Just shit in his hair. I feel the crab is also shitting in my hair. Yeah.

One final crab fact. What's crab shit look like? I'm guessing sandy sandy like a paste. What does crab shit look like? Oh, it's cute. That's bad. Looks like little balls. Yeah.

That's all right. Yeah. I feel like crab is is top tier worse right now Absolutely And now a quick word from our sponsors Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on Never played D&D in your life?

Don't worry, up until we started, I hadn't either. Meticulously edited by yours truly so you don't have to hear all the faff and math that interrupts a good fantasy story. Each campaign is standalone and while veteran listeners will pick up characters, events, and places across the seasons, new listeners

can start at any adventure. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com. Well, I was thinking roaches. So not just one roach, multiple roaches crawling on my hair. Like a colony, I guess. Yeah, like lice, except roaches. Yeah, and they control my ass.

Yeah, that's right, Zama. It's not good. Zama just did, like, the fucking old school emoticon that was, like, capital D, colon. I'm not happy. If you're too young to know what that looks like, you can type it out on any computer. Just hammer that capital D and then put it in a colon.

My question here with a colony of roaches. Are roaches a hive mind? Or else you're going to have a lot of roaches with a lot of different opinions. Well, here's the beautiful thing about roaches, Zammett, is that they all pretty much want the same thing.

To lay eggs and eat garbage. And be in the dark. And be in the dark. We weren't even noticing you being controlled by roaches. Man, I eat out of the trash like twice as much as I used to. And I notice I'm not eating it. I'm putting it on my head.

Why am I doing that? I haven't eaten in a while. Hmm. head why am i doing that i haven't eaten in a while i hate the light now but maybe i'm just too lazy to turn the light on i'm willfully acting against myself now i love it when i put my head under the fridge that's great that does, though. It is cool under there. Yeah. One of the things I really hate about cockroaches is I learned several years ago about cockroach milk. Okay.

And how basically the mama cockroach will give cockroach milk to its offspring, which is like little protein crystals. Is it nutritious? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Will I occasionally have a roach run down the side of my head and deposit some crystals in my mouth? I think it's only one cockroach, and then there are the big fuck-off ones, and they give live birth to offspring, so they don't do eggs. And then they go like, hey, here's some gross cockroach milk.

I don't know enough about science to prove that that cockroach isn't a mammal. So it's wild that there's a mammal cockroach. There's a great question of what does cockroach milk taste like? Thanks, Google. I didn't want to know. I reckon good. According to scientists These crystals are like a complete food

They're rich in essential amino acids I knew that we were going down this path Immediately when you said cockroach milk Jackson's face lit up and he started typing At his computer I was like oh okay I know where this is going It tastes no different from cow's milk Oh well I love milk

So maybe it's like a symbiotic response So if they're going to keep me alive By feeding me roach milk Then that's okay You feed them they feed you roach milk You're basically like one of their children Yeah if the roaches had given birth To a monster baby

That would be me How great is it to imagine we're just hanging out And I'm like you've got to keep the lights off, but you forget and you turn the lights on and I try and scurry under the fridge and just slam my head into it and fall unconscious. I think that's a real risk that we run. What else do roaches need and what?

I can see both of you doing your roach research. That's good. You need to kill a thousand cockroaches to get a hundred grams of milk. Whoa. Why am I killing them? Why are you killing them? I thought, I thought they just made it.

Yeah. Cockroach milk is an up and coming superfood, Jackson. Oh, I see. But the cockroaches are making it. I'm not buying it from the store. The cockroaches don't know that that's an option. Yeah. I'm reading now more about cockroach milk

as in if to eat to consume it. So it involves killing a female cockroach and her embryos once it begins to lactate. And then harvest the crystals from its midgut. Hey, cockroaches do have like a hive mind. That's not good news to you. Cockroaches display collective decision making when choosing food sources when a sufficient number of individuals a quorum exploits a food source

this signals to newcomer cockroaches that they should stay there longer rather than leave for elsewhere other mathematical models have been developed to explain aggregation dynamics and conspicuous recognition so the cockroaches one a decision. They're all in on it. The decision is let's live on Jackson's head and feed him roach milk for the rest of his life. Now, here's a question. How long does a cockroach colony last? Well, I feel because it's a colony,

it'll just kind of perpetuate. If it's got a nice food source, i.e. whatever you're getting it, and then maybe parts of your own body. Yeah, absolutely. Will it eat your skin flakes, like your hair flakes? Surely. And then make its own. I'll have the cleanest scalp in the game.

No, because then they would be shitting on your head. Yeah, I mean, what defines clean? Because I would not define something that is full of cockroaches as clean. But hey, maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just a bigot. Yeah. Yeah, look, I don't... I feel...

It would be replaced by cockroaches and other things. Cockroaches and cockroach shit. Yeah, and cockroach milk. And cockroach milk, and cockroach milk yeah cockroach milk and it's like whatever they spit how do they make a colony I don't know why I'm thinking this but do they like with their spit

and other things make things like a brick like a brick like a brick something's gone wrong with my brain you know when people get together the one thing they create is a brick something's gone wrong with my brain you know when people get together the one thing they create is a brick you know like a wasp how they chew stuff and then they make house

yes wasp chew stuff then make house same thing do cockroach chew thing make house no cockroach come to our house live in house oh okay do cockroach make house What hat should I keep

What's the ideal cockroach hat Trucker cap Trucker cap They got the little hole out the back They can leave and feed me milk And go and explore Trucker hat but like one of those beer ones So they got the beers on the other side

And like a straw to your mouth Two cockroach queens In the beers on the other side and then like a straw to your mouth. That's where the cockroach milk can go. Two cockroach queens in either straw on the side popping milk into my mouth and then the main colony is on my head. How excited would you be, Jackson, when you can feel the weight of cockroach milk building up in that

and you just know that you're one suck away from nutrition? Well, I know that that's the other way I'm living. You know what's funny is that Zamet obviously couldn't get rid of his coconut crab because it is a violent menace I could just go to like an exterminator or shave my head I have options

bug bomb yourself have a bar but I've grown accustomed to the roaches comb your hair that'll probably do it no but we're forgetting, these cockroaches control you. Wait, have we lost all will? I assumed we did. How much control did Remy have?

Not Remy. Linguini can still do what he wants. Yeah. Okay. I feel we'd, like, you know, give up pretty quick. Oh, absolutely. The only scary thing in Ratatouille is that at one point, Linguini is unconscious from drinking too much.

And Remy is still able to control him. So when you go to sleep, you'll probably start waking up in places that weren't where you went to bed. By start, I mean night one. What if the deal was that I let the cockroaches have me at night, and during the day i can just do what i like you know striking a deal with cockroaches seems like something that uh just won't work for you yeah yeah plus when are cockroaches most active night night yeah night i guess that makes sense yeah when they don't like cool spaces they like like being in tight, warm spaces. Like my head is a tight, warm space. In your ears?

Yeah. Cockroaches like tight, hemmed in places where they won't be seen or disturbed. That's my head. No thoughts to distract them. I guess like how my crab was antisocial, so are these cockroaches. So I guess we're becoming somewhat hermit-like. We're hauling ourselves up in our own rooms. You in a room, me on a beach, away from everyone,

unless I'm trying to fight them. Yeah. So, yeah, look, I don't think you're doing well. How long do I live? Three days. You wake up with your head jammed in a blender or something I think you live longer But your quality of life for some reason

Is worse Which is baffling to both me and the audience How's he done it? Because I'm going to live longer because the cockroaches Have a vested interest in keeping me alive The things the cockroaches want Aren't as dangerous as the things that the coconut crab wants plus you are getting getting fed delicious uh roach milk yeah you you two would realize that it happened to me a lot

quicker than i think me and dusha would cotton on the zamit you were like hey jackson what's inside those drinks on the side of your head and your truck a cap and I was like, roach milk? Maybe at that point you'd be like, wait a second. I don't think we would. Jackson, that's gross. Yeah. I like all milk. Jackson, is there

something you want to tell us? I don't think so. Well, because we know that cockroach milk is like It's a superfood Yeah it's a superfood and apparently just tastes like milk And the fact you're excited by that Makes me think that if you did just start drinking

Cockroach milk I'm not shocked anymore Yeah I would just accept this But surely the scale I'm drinking it on You know With two things on either side of my head You like milk. Yeah, I do like milk.

I'm surprised you haven't put milk in your coffee. I'm surprised you haven't put milk in one of those drinking hats already. Oh, I have, just not when I've known you guys. That's not shocking. That's less shocking than me thinking that you hadn't done that. Well, other things

that feel is gross for me for this cockroach-a-tooey is, again, the little legs of the cockroaches crawling over your scalp is quite awkward. Yeah, it sounds itchy. It does sound a lot itchy, and I feel because there is more of them, you're going to have less control somehow.

Yeah. Like, you're going to slop right into that hive mind. The worst part? What sound yeah the sound of zamets you can't hear for mine you just hear like a constant yeah like of them all fucking or whatever with the crab you're gonna get that like again the these carapace on his like claws banging with his other claws or whatever you're just gonna get constant rote scuttling and And I imagine this colony ain't small. No, no, no, no. Probably every day.

Yeah. Absolutely. What's a cockroach larvae look like? You know that scene in the last Star War? Yeah. Yes. You know where Emperor Palpatine's got that weird computer Thing in his brain and he's like Being paraded around like that

That but cockroaches I feel is what is your end goal Right now Absolutely hey if you look up cockroach larvae And I implore you all to do They look like they would taste like Gummy coke bottle Alright you got me.

I have to look it up now. If that looked like it popped into your mouth, it would taste like a gummy Coke. Yeah, I just feel that there's going to be, like, a mound behind you of, like, broken bits of wood and dirt. And cockroach shells. Cockroach shells and just cockroaches just teeming everywhere and, like, just all plugged into the back of your

Trucker cap And you'd be like are you okay And I'd be like I've come to like this I think I feel great Better than I have in years I'm being powered by nothing but cockroach milk Did you know cockroach milk is a superfood

You guys What makes me the most angry out of all of this is that cockroach larvae do look like gummy Coke bottles. Yeah. They look like you could pop them in your mouth for a sweet little treat. You got to look them up now, Zama, don't you? Yeah.

You got to look them up. Delicious cockroach. I got one thing full of cockroach milk, one thing full of cockroach larvae and you're like is the larvae good and I'm like no but it looks like it could taste like gummy coke it does look like it could taste like gummy coke

Jackson have you ever eaten a cockroach on purpose by accident yeah no I've never eaten a cockroach but I would yeah I was gonna say that's also surprising to me. Yeah. Given the opportunity, I'd go to town.

So, yeah, look, it's bad being ratatouille-ed by a whole colony of cockroaches. Not good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they hiss. Cockroaches hiss. I forgot about this. Jackson, what's that?

Air escaping? Oh, wait, no, cockroaches hiss. I forgot about this. Jackson, what's that? Air escaping? Oh, wait, no, roaches. So, coconut crab-a-tooey's bad. Roach-a-tooey also bad. But one thing that we haven't explored that I wish to explore is ghost-a-tooey. Oh, no. Spooky.

I'm scared uh funny because the ghost wants to haunt but i don't know if you can haunt a place yeah what kind of ghost are we we're talking a haunt ghost are we talking like an unfinished business ghost well what if it's presumably it's unfinished business ghost because it's bonded with me i guess also or it's equally funny if it's just a ghost that was trying to die in peace and they somehow got stuck to me you're basically hearts and souls in it that's what i was gonna say yeah we do a classic hearts and souls yeah we're doing a classic hearts and soul no heart and souls yeah heart and souls i'm such a fan though of like you rent an ancient hotel Like for the week

And it's a refurbished castle And in the middle of the night you go up to take a piss or whatever And you see down the hall You, Joel Dutcher And you're like I'm a 17th century Sailor who died And you're like no, no you're not You're a man

No but In my hat but in my hat. Underneath my hat. You can't see because it is a ghost. I've got unfinished business. I'm doing it for him. You have unfinished business? No.

The guy under my hat does. Yeah. Okay. So I've got to go sail a boat now or whatever. I gotta go sail a boat now or whatever so I just feel this is very much literally maybe the plot of Heart and Souls

yeah but in Heart and Souls it was a conversation with Dusha and the ghost but sometimes in Heart and Souls there are some scenes where the ghost just goes in and does it well imagine if every scene was that Jill Zammett it's still a different movie how much unfinished business does the ghost just goes in and does it. Well, imagine if every scene was that, Jill Zammett. It's still a different movie. How much unfinished

business does the ghost have? I imagine heaps. Well, I guess he's like, I got this dude. I might as well... At what point are you like, hey... He's starting to finish business for his friends as well. Ebony's a cow. I don't think that this is still unfinished business.

I think you're just enjoying the free ride with my body. So are they just putting their ghost hands in your scalp? Or are they possessing you? They're pulling on my hair. Yeah, okay. Are they small or the size of a dog? It's a man. Actually, it's probably a ghost man and his ghost dog.

Dusha, that hat is huge. Also, maybe it's just a normal-sized hat because ghosts. Yeah, ghosts are of any size. That's true. And also, you tend not to be able to see ghosts. Ghosts are invisible sometimes. You don't need to wear a hat, Lucky. Yeah.

We can just see, like, man,, it's weird Dusha's hair is being moved under its own volition. I wonder what that's about. Hey Dusha, have you got a new gel you're using? Yeah, it just spikes my fringe up every now and then and then when it happens I stop moving and say like, ooooh

or something. That's pretty cool. Can you give me the website? Why do you want that? Don't ask any more questions. I gotta go sail a boat. There's a lighthouse that I hate that I have to go punch.

I guess it depends on what kind of ghost. What do ghosts want? Apart from unfinished business. But unfinished business could be anything. And to haunt who we haunt you you've got to seek revenge but the person the guy died so long ago that the person you're seeking revenge on is like 90 in a retirement home why are you attacking this old man i'm not are. No, it's this guy under my hat. See the hair, it's spiking.

Yeah, because you've got the new gel, I know. Yeah, dude, I get it. Stop wailing on that old man. The idea of marching into a retirement home, screaming, I have unfinished business, and then punching a 90-year-old man square through the face as his skin tears like paper.

I'm gonna die a hero i mean yeah business you're finished that might not be what the news report says so how much unfinished business before you call it? Like, or are you just happy to go along for the ride with the ghost? Well, first of all, see, roaches, you just comb your hair or have a bath. Yeah. Coconut crab, a hammer, I guess. How do you kill a ghost? Salt.

Salt. Jesus. Jesus. Yeah, have some salt, go into a church, put it on your hair. Holy water? Olive oil, yeah, could be. A priest? Get a priest? Yeah.

Dunk your head in the holy water at a church, maybe? Yeah, just go. I don't know. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's just like, I have to keep guessing. And the first... We get a fucking vacuum cleaner and just put it on your head yeah that sucked up the ghost yeah did the ghost get sucked off into the vacuum

cleaner dude or are you still wanting to go to sea or what well i get one crack and if it doesn't work then i guess the ghost is angry at me and the unfinished business becomes revenge on myself you just punch yourself in the face a bunch and then die a hero yeah that's how i die a hero i kill an old man and then i immediately kill myself and they're like that man died a hero ending a wave of crime that he caused i don't i just don't think you you know i i just feel there's a bit of a disconnect with what how you think you're going to be remembered in this scenario a hero i ended crime killing one old man a crime wave that's calling it a bit early crime wave one old man dead no others yeah it'd be like i feel like the papers may say murder

suicide but not me yeah i feel like the paper's like, This is a crime wave! as you punch yourself in the face. I guess that's two crimes. Maniac assaults senior citizen and then bashes himself whilst yelling the words, I'm a hero. Bystanders confused. Claims to be possessed.

Claims to be ghost-a-two-eat. Ghost-a-two-eat maniac punches old man and self and we've only covered what the man the man ghost wants unfinished business the ghost dog what's that unfinished business this is all I know about ghost dogs is that the way you tell you have a ghost dog

is when you're dangling your hand by your body you feel it's cold nose on your fingers and you look around and there's no dog so you're putting your cold nose dusha what are you doing this is the dog wants this i'm ghost dog to eat oh um you okay what kind of unfinished business does a dog have? Yeah Did it not nap enough? Eat enough meat I guess

Didn't fuck a leg of a man enough Yeah Okay So you've gone punch an old man in the face And now you're going around Humping legs Trying to fornicate with our legs Doja stop

I don't like that we accompanied you here. Something has gone wrong. This is not what you told us was going to happen. What did I tell you was going to happen? Why did you hit that old man? In my mind, you said nothing. You were just like, hey, boys, get in the car. And we were like, ooh.

Mystery adventure. Okay. And we pull up to this retirement village. Ooh. Okay. Who's who we visited here? All you did was look at us and raise your eyebrows And we'd pull up to this retirement village. Ooh! Okay. Who's who we visited here? All you did was look at us and raise your eyebrows and say something cheeky, boys, and we were all in.

Oh, yeah. Jackson, you love mysteries, but if I said I've got a mystery to solve and that resulted in me going to a retirement home, killing an old man and then humping legs, would that be enough that you hated mysteries from now on? I would just be like, what was the mystery? I think he's solving puzzles wrong. I guess the mystery would probably be, why did I do that?

Then punch yourself in the head to death. I don't know what happened today. It might give me a greater love of mysteries because I would have my own mystery to solve. What happened that day? What did he mean? Two boys interrogated and be like What happened?

And we're like, we genuinely I don't I genuinely don't know Look, it's a tragedy We watched our good friend His fists go through a man And then his fists go through his own face And I know I'm smiling

I get it, it's tragic I'm smiling Because I don't know how to cope with this I'm baffled I'm baffled it's exciting but I know this might be the wrong emotion to prove my innocence I get it nothing in my life has set me up to deal with this specific situation

he blames a ghost that's insane right he then humps some legs I just it's just so bright I don't understand My last words are I'm dying a hero Yeah yeah yeah

He said it was a crime wave But I don't I don't know who the old man was Yeah yeah It's all very good Do you know who he was? Yeah as far as I know

I would like to know I would like to know Yeah Yeah Well you lived short But It's your fault Yeah No, no, no, no. You've never met this man before? I would like to know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you lived short. It's your fault. Yeah.

Is that a ghost? What do you mean that's not the ghost? Oh, I guess it is the ghost. You punched yourself in the head as revenge as the ghost. Yeah. But the world wouldn't know that. When Zabit dies from exposure because he's been punching crabs on the beach, we can blame the crab we saw the crab

when Jackson's body becomes part of a roach colony we'd be like oh yeah feels boisterous but you I guess it's just a man's supernovas burns out bright but fast

I think you have a weird definition of burning bright there flew too close to the sun is the sun punching an old man I don't I just what is I did it

people said I couldn't but I did it I'm gonna be remembered forever I mean that's true that's true. That's, yeah, I'm never going to forget that. I'll be 80 and I'll be like, what the fuck was that about? As if you wouldn't be terrified when you're 80 and you're in a retirement home that the same thing is going to happen. He's constantly looking to the door. He's an angry man.

Was he angry? No, I can't imagine he was. He seemed very fine. He had a serene expression on his face. Now there's two ghosts. That's the worst part. He's just got unfinished business as well. We're all going to get ghosted too.

The old man is now his ghost. No, there's four ghosts. There's a lot of ghosts. There's the original ghost's dog, the man he murdered in JD. A quattro ghostatui. That's what we're dealing with here. There's a lot of layers to this ghostatui. There really truly is.

Can the ghost ghostatui another ghost? Well, that's not our business. We don't see it happening, so I'm not even worried. Some things are best left in the underworld. Absolutely. So I think all in all They're all pretty bad Maybe getting ratatouille was the best option

Maybe a rat's not a big deal Yeah absolutely Considering what it could be Christ And on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've been Joel And I have unfinished business

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