Plumbing the Death Star - Robots, F**kable? (Ft. Ellen Waddell)

Episode Date: December 17, 2017

In which our heroes are joined by Ellen Waddell to ask the hard hitting question; robots, fuckable?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitEllen: https://twitter.com/ellenstarbuck Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, robots fuckable? So there are a lot of robots out there. All of varying degrees of bonability. Yeah, I guess it depends which robot. Well, there's a big difference between your R2D2s and your C3PO's on a bonability scale. I would argue that I think technically all robots are in some way fuckable. I think it's more a case of

they are fuckable, but would you fuck them? Yeah, because I could get my end away with R2-D2, but I don't know. Would you want to fuck R2-D2? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just saying you have to choose the one you'd have the nicest experience with.

And I feel like R2-D2 would be very polite about stuff and he'd make you feel really good about yourself. Well, I mean, that's just up to my interpretation of his beeps. I'm assuming he's having a nice time. Robots. I don't really know what's happening here. The worst part, and I'm just going to jump straight into it.

Wall-E? Was it Wall-E? I'm just going to stick to R2-D2 for a second. Oh, sorry. That wee noise he makes? Definitely orgasm. Although he does have like little things he shoots out of his body

for like little appendages and whatnot. That's true, but I feel like everyone... So you can imagine R2-D2 just like thunk and a big dildo. But the thing is, R2's not designed for pleasure, but he does have holes and protruderances. But what I keep thinking is that...

So you're just thinking about what men would do, though? No, no, that's what the protruderances were for. And if I wanted him to fuck me in the ass, I guess. Why wouldn't you? I'm like, R2, we are having a night of sexual exploration. In episode two, episode one, where he just is sprouting oil everywhere

and giving everyone a bad time. I think that's episode two. It's very weird that a robot's full of oil. It's the future. I'm still using fossil fuels. That'd be nice doing that. It covers me in oil. I'm like, oh, thanks, R2-D2.

That was a good time. Look, I mean, I just- Give me a towel. I gotta wipe this up. I regret bringing up R2-D2, because that's definitely not where we should have started. Also, what I was going to say is that every protuberance and every hole has electricity. Oh, yeah. Because he always is like, bzzzap, or he'll be like click click bzzzap

and that's just I don't want to electrocute my penis or prostate. He's quite short as well so in terms of it'd be more like you just fucking him

in the face because basically what it would be while he makes like squealing noises I mean maybe it should be what can you get away with without anyone thinking

it's weird. If you were doing that and your mum walked in, you'd be like, I got nothing. I remember I was doing that in the Millennium Falcon. Or hand watches. I was being like, oh my god. Does R2-D2 vibrate?

I don't know. As if so, it's just an awkward Sibian. That's true. He's just like a big vibrating egg, I guess. So I guess you could... Rub yourself against him? You could. But like a washing machine. Yeah!

Yeah! Just sit on R2-D2. Sit on R2-D2 and be like, rock for me, baby. I guess, like, what is a washing machine, but sort of a budget R2-D2 in a way. A washing machine is kind of a robot, I guess. Yeah. You could paint a little face on it. Sit on it.

It actually does weird me out that R2 doesn't have a face. It means I can't look him in the eye while it's occurring. He's got like an eye. Can I add things to R2D2? No, I think we've got to, for the sake of this episode, assume the robots are as they come. Because, like, again, if he's put, like, again, a nice dildo on top of his head and spins,

I mean, that could be fun. Yeah, that sounds weird. Is he spinning? Like, he's spinning or you're spinning? Well, the top bit of him is spinning. So you're spinning. Well, technically, I figured I was holding onto a handle, but yes. Because that sounds kind of fun.

Yeah, it's like an amusement ride and I get my prostate like smacked. So things are going good for me. I don't ever in my life when I come across you spinning on top of R2-D2 I just don't know if I could ever look at you. I'd be like there are easier

ways to do this. I think even if it was just like you didn't because that worries me and thinks that like one day I'm just going to come to your house and you're just like a Roomba with a dildo if it was just like you didn't... Because that worries me and thinks that one day I'm just going to come to your house and you're just like a Roomba with a dildo on it and you're just like sitting on it. It's a very slow ride and look

how my house is dust free. Sam, I'm noticing your house is very clean recently. It cleans and it fucks. Imagine it's not, we see Samamarin on it, we're all just hanging out and we see the Roomba coming up on top. We're like, I'm doing the math and I'm not happy about it.

Yeah, I think I'd just go straight Michael Fassbender. In what? In Prometheus. He's gonna kill you. Well, that might be part of the excitement. Like, is he gonna kill you halfway through? Throw him for a bit, then you get a fucking worm in your eye. Yeah, but I'll have died happy.

That'll be with my phone. That's a way of being, like, he's kind of impregnating you a little bit. Yeah, exactly. He's impregnating me the only way he can, with a worm in my eye. That's kind of sweet. Finally, I can give birth. We've all seen shame, yeah? So like risk of death

is already pretty high. He's fucking packing. Big swinging dick. Yeah, but you'd know that so you'd warm up and you'd be prepared. Do some stretches. Do some lunges. Or I assume as well maybe if he's got like

retractable parts as well, like, you know, you could get different sizes. Oh. Does he have a penis though? Because he's designed for the old man, and I can't imagine the old man being like, well, as well as Yutani's like, you are the perfect son and also for fucking.

I just want you inside me. But like old guy Pierce just doesn't seem like he has the energy to bone. And if I was making robots, I just wouldn't give him wives. Yeah, but he was young once when he made him. That's true. If you were making a robot that was meant to like kind of, I guess, succeed you, you'd definitely, if it was a male robot, you'd give it a dick. Why is it succeeding me?

Because you're going to die. Yeah. Did I not have a kid? No, but he didn't want to die. He always thought he wasn't. Death wasn't for him. Guys, my plan is that I meet the Prometheus and he tells me how to live forever.

That was the plan. I don't remember the plan. Michael Fassbender may be Kendall. He might just be rubbing. Maybe that's also why he's so angry is because he was like, I'm sure I've got it. Oh, I don't have a dick.

I've been given all the sexual energy. But no dick. But no outlet. Oh, I don't have a dick. I've been given all the sexual energy. But no dick. Oh, he'd find a way. Well, look, if he can fucking attach a dildo to R2-D2. I'm sure I could stick like a carrot on him or something. Just like crudely tie it up. And you know what David has? A mouth.

Yeah, look, yeah. He's got other options. Hang on. I'm trying to think. This is going to require some very, very deep knowledge of Prometheus. Is David ever shirtless? a mouth. You've got other options. I'm trying to think. This requires a very deep knowledge of Prometheus. Is David ever shirtless? Yes.

Does he have nipples? I can't remember him not having nipples. I think he does. Then he's definitely got a penis because you're not giving a male robot nipples and not a dick. I just... I mean, I guess. There's probably some people out there who don't have nipples and have dicks. Yeah. Right in.

Did they cut them off? Hit us up. What happened? Tell us what happened to you. Where are your nipples? Are all of, because like, Waylon Yutani makes a lot of robots. Presumably there's some, Because, Michael, is it just, is he the only robot that looks like him?

Or could you be like, I'd like the pleasure model? He's got nipples, by the way. Just did a quick Google. Look for cock. Is there an outline? No, he wears really tight outfits. And you can see there's a bulge. They're not, like, giving him just a bit of a fleshy lump.

Yeah, that would be a waste. They're not just giving him just a bit of a fleshy lump, are they? Yeah, that would be a waste. Yeah, that'll do. Waylon made it out out of himself kind of thing as an homage. This is what my penis looks like. Ah, it's like a little Waylon. That's no good. It is funny to imagine pulling down his pants expecting a penis

and just seeing Waylon Dutani stamped on again. Fuck! Going he's like stamped on again. Fuck! Going Pierce's face, stamped on it. Looking upset and then underneath it just says this is not what he was made for. Why are you doing this to him, Ellen? Just frowny face.

Because he's like, I knew you'd do this. We prepared for this eventuality. So I guess, so if you went to Westworld Would you have sex with a robot? Yeah absolutely I wouldn't Why not? Why?

Don't get angry at me Because I thought with Westworld Everyone went there and immediately all the men Are having sex with the robots And the women Are also You know not having sex with the robots Do they have sex with the robots?

Yeah Sure Everybody's boning them Everyone's boning that The hot one. Yeah, him. There's one guy in the brothel. Yeah, is he in the brothel?

Maybe. Anyway, there's a bandito that all the girls are like, oh, yeah, yeah. You're into it. I don't know. I just feel like it would be weird because they wouldn't want to. Maybe I'd have to make sure they wanted to do it first. Well, they never want to do it first.

That's true. That's the point of robots. Because no matter what they're doing, they're always being programmed. Even Michael Fassbender doesn't want to. He doesn't want to. He's a robot. He's just been like, you know, it's just a program. If Alan says yes, go for it.

Yeah. That's just the kind of, you know, what's there. But can I break their programming? If I could break their programming first. But then they're just sitting there doing nothing. Then they'd be like, what am I doing? Oh, no, no, no. Consent is there, but it's always going to be this weird moral thing of like,

yeah, you've given him that consent. Yeah. That's the problem. You've programmed that in. So I'm like, okay, for the sake of this,

otherwise we get into some real worrying territory. Let's assume every robot genuinely wants to have sex. Every robot is keen. They have to convince me. So I'm going to have to put a program in which they really convince me. Yeah. And I have to act like I don't want to That will make me feel better actually

If I'm like I'm not sure and they're like no but you're great You're so funny Second date only Make it as real as possible Not on me I'm going to get loose The moment I get there I'm going to be like bring them all I'll go to the brothel where everybody's hanging around

I'll be like I'm going to be in my room upstairs Everybody's welcome Now I'm going to hunt out that gold place You know where everybody's hanging around I'll be like I'm going to be in my room upstairs everybody's welcome all you fuckers now I'm going to hunt out that gold place you know where everyone's painted gold the gold orgy yeah who knows what's happening there it frightens me because everyone's fucking robots

so like I have a lot of questions what questions do you have I can answer them all that's good finally mostly do the male robots ejaculate they'd have um yeah absolutely sure do they pee uh no what if i'm into golden showers um all they ejaculate on you yeah that's not that's not what i want that's what i asked for that's not what i said so we're working on that um that's not what I wanted that's not what I signed up for so we're working on that

that's an upgrade we're doing a patch on it so you can make them cum but you can't make them pierced that seems weird but when it comes out it's like rainbow colours so you can choose different colours can I choose different flavours? of semen to be honest rainbow colours and different flavours

is taking me out of the immersion I want a gross wild wild west sex well if you close your eyes we'll send someone in to just like wee on you different flavours, it's taking me out of the immersion. I want a gross Wild Wild West sex. Well, if you close your eyes, we'll send someone in to just wee on you. No, that's a human. That's gross. I know, I'm sold. If I have somehow the power to make an

employee of Westworld piss on me. Just like the receptionist comes in, just like, oh dear, the things I do. This is weird, because the question was like are robots fuckable basically but now straight away i was like absolutely which ones wouldn't you fuck none all right like you started with like yeah i'll happily fuck r2d2 i'll probably fuck a roomba hey you put words in my mouth or a roomba in my mouth i'm not sure which well i see that like

with robots in film And I guess like With Westworld It falls into the same category As David Like yeah at least They're very humanoid That's more like

Banging an android Yeah It's like a replicant Would you bang a replicant Well I wouldn't know So yes Yeah exactly It would be scary though

Like you put your hand On their face or something During sex And then like Accidentally pull down On the eye And they just get the barcode. You're like, oh no.

Okay, twist. I see. What about a transformer? That's what I was thinking. Like Optimus Prime. Big. Too big. I bet he's tender though. You're going to have to do a lot of stretches. Like those lunges are going to have to be... Like a year's worth.

Like you're training for a marathon Like guys look what I can do I'm just gonna be fucking out of this world For that to work Well you know you get like I don't know you get a huge fat of lubricant No but I mean he probably I bet he's just a really

He seems like he's smart Optimus Prime seems like he'd be a really loving, tender... Like poetry. Yeah. Poetry. That awesome work. I did the voice for him in the Transformers film. And he's got ground to us.

That was the planet. Oh, was that the planet? Awesome. That's Unicron. Damn it. Add an extra week to that stretch there, darl. Oh, boy. Oh, no.

I was like, oh, Optimus Prime. Yeah, you can do it. Unicron. Unicron. Okay, I'll give it a bash. Think big, guys. Go big, exactly. I feel like in Optimus Prime,

I have to convince, like, I could be like, hey, Optimus, let's fuck, and he'd be like, let's go on a date first Jackson, romance me you know what I mean? Although Bumblebee, first date Yeah, but I don't want Bumblebee, Optimus Prime is like a single dad, you know? Oh, I want to date a single dad

Something about him where you're like They're vulnerable Yeah, he's got a vulnerability, no he does I know exactly what you mean Worldly experience, but vulnerable. Yeah, exactly. He's like, look, I've been hurt, you know, but I'm trying to raise my kids, i.e. the Transformers.

I've got all this responsibility, i.e. the Allspark. Yeah, it proves he's a responsible man, you know, and he's kind of handsome in a robot way. He is very handsome and he's capable in a fight. Yeah. Which is always nice in a man. I bet he's just got like all of Shakespeare's collected works and they're just staying with tears when they've been too much for him.

He's been reading them and like, oh, this really moves me. So I, like, I think I'd, I'd fuck him. But I like the way you said that you'd have to romance him.

Yeah. So that, that sounds quite nice. Like a little bit of a challenge. I do feel like he'd be like dating a doctor. Yeah. Cause he'd always be on call. Yeah do feel like he'd be like dating a doctor. Yeah. Because he'd always be on call. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's true. Sometimes he's a truck. That's true. Just like a doctor. Sometimes he is a truck. That's annoying. But you can get Lyft's places. Oh.

Yeah. I'm also scared. I don't know the mechanism by which he turns into a truck. And I don't know if I can accidentally activate that. So I don't want to be fucking Optimus prime and then fucking a truck i just meant dead yeah that's that's that's worrying that's also a kind of fear with most robots they're like a lot of them not programmed for fucking so like by and large most of them yeah although jude law Most of them not. Yeah, I don't think that's...

Although, Jude Law, Gigolo Joe, in AI, designed for fucking. He was. He was designed to bone. But he's also designed to romance as well. Like, he's designed to be charming. Yeah. But see, I think that's playing this on easy mode. Of course, yeah.

Choose the Gigolo. Choose Michael Fassbender. You've got to go, like, I don't know, fucking Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons. There are no orifices in that robot whatsoever. And in terms of female pleasure, all she has is cruel, metal, cold hands.

Nobody wants to fuck Rosie. Look at this picture of Rosie the Robot. Hang on. She's kind of got Lego hands. Yeah, but that's the perfect shape, surely. For a gentleman. For a gentleman. Yeah. For a gentleman's hand. Not, no.

Yeah, I mean, like, look. Oh, wait, that's quite big. I guess I thought a lot more of you guys. I don't know what you've heard about Australians, but like... Thin. Like a needle. Just really, like Richard Reid's arms. Look at that.

That's just not a fuckable robot at all. Oh, she looks terrifying. It's not even Lego hands. It's more of a weird claw. It's like a mitten. Her eyes are red as well, which is funny because I always associate red eyes in a robot with like, that robot's gone wrong. Yeah.

She's got roller skates, which is rad. And a square mouth. She's cool, I guess. like the claw might be maybe good for ladies yeah but you know very she looks pretty stern a lot of stretching yeah yeah i'm trying to imagine having sex with rosie the robot's mouth but it also kind of looks like a trash compactor to me it kind of feels like having sex with like a robot nan yeah i don't know why maybe if you have a lot of Freudian issues, like you didn't get hugged enough by your mum or something.

Yeah, that's true. She's thick. Rosie is thick. She's thick as shit. She's dressed as a maid. Some people like that. Yeah. I mean, it's a weird maid.

It's not really. She's topless or not topless. Yeah, she's got buttons, isn't she? It's hard to tell. Oh, they're just buttons Yeah, they're just buttons I don't really Oh, okay, her chest opens up

Look at that Oh, that's so rousing I don't It's hard It's hard I don't look at her and think I think she's a woman with a job That's true She's got enough to deal with

Servicing the Jetsons Let alone like What, you want me to have sex with you Oh my god She'd be tired all the time I'm trying to find other fictional robots You have to be very clear What about Sonny from My Robot

I think he seemed quite nice Was he like the kind of just like pale Yeah Alan Turk And he's an artist It'd be like dating an emo boy teenager That's true He's like too He was kind of handsome for a while. And he's an artist. Yeah. It'd be like dating an emo boy teenager. That's true.

He's like too... Because he's got emotions, but he's got too many. He doesn't know what to do with them. Plus he's keen on rebellion. Yeah, he killed his dad. It's true. Well, his dad wanted to die. Yeah, but if your dad's like, hey, son. His dad was the farmer and babe.

His dad was the farmer and babe. His dad was the farmer in Babe. Do you think he said, that'll do, sonny, that'll do. Fuck, I hope so. They're in the same universe, aren't they? iRobot, Babe, yeah. There's all these hints to iRobot and Babe, and Babe 2 being in the city, and then you're like, oh my god.

If you look in the background of some paddocks, you see a robot running across. If you read the expanded lore novelizations and continuing. And in the board game Will Smith makes a cameo. Yeah, it's all there. The iRobotBabe expanded universe is thick

with references to each other. But again, Sonny is still humanoid. He doesn't look quite human. Yeah, he's a nice look. If you're like going into me, say you're going on a robot fucking odyssey, which I assume the four of us are.

Yeah. You start out with your Michael Fassbender's and your Jude Laws, then you go to your Sonny because he's intermediate, and then you go to your Rosie, which is probably next. Yeah, yeah.

Then maybe like Johnny Five from Short Circuit. Oh, yeah. Johnny Five would be great. Johnny Five. Good reference. Yeah. I'm trying to find a picture of Johnny Five so I can look for places to put my penis. All I remember is he reads

very quickly. I don't know where I could put my penis and or jine near Johnny Five. Johnny Five has too much exposed wiring. Johnny Five feels like it's a dangerous lovemaking let's see i mean i know how he looks like but but also johnny five really wants to be human doesn't he so i feel like

oh he looks like he just run you over with his treadmill like yeah i feel like you'd be taking advantage of him because you'd be like this is what humans do he wants to be human so you'd sort of be tricking him into it and he'd be like I don't like this please stop Johnny 5 go home but look at this he's dressed like a sexy cowboy I mean

tell me that you don't and he's got hands I changed my mind yeah he's so he's keen he's keen for some loving I'll get Johnny Five after he's grown up He's matured And then he can come to me And I'll find somewhere for my penis

What would you want him to be dressed as? Like just in a little suit and tie? The cowboy is pretty sexy I gotta admit You can't put arseless chaps on a robot Well they're more like Johnny Five has no arse Wireless chaps?

I don't know To be honest if i was having to have sex with johnny five i'd want to put a covering over his eyes so he can't look at you he's covering over his cold steel yeah some kind of like some skin maybe some latex just something just yeah anything so that i don't have to be grinding up against the funniest thing about all these robots is that like afterwards because most of them aren't designed for sex they're gonna just stink yeah and you'll have abrasions you can't explain exactly those track marks on you but not like on your dick i was like johnny five can you just run over my penis just go backwards and forwards that'll get

me there don't worry yeah that's what i'm into metal burn from fucking spinning around on r2d2 that is not just on the inside the doctor being like what so as your odyssey continues then you'd have to get a lot more sort of equipment and creams and lotions yeah and padding Lots of padding. And private doctors, I assume, who ask no questions like mafia doctors. They're like, don't worry.

Mafia doctors are such a great place to go. Hey, you been fucking robots? All right, come on in. Come on in. Why you got metal splitters in your ass? All right, let me get a tweezer.

Hey, everybody say hello. This is Jackson Robot Fucker. He's a good boy. He's with me. He's with me. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. What we got here Fucker. He's a good boy. He's with me. He's with me. Don't worry about it. What we got here? Oh, we got some burns here.

A little electrical burn down your leg, up your penis. That's all right. We'll fix you up. One, speaking of robots and fucking, as we have been. That's the episode. Since we saw Blade Runner, we've all seen it, but like the newest one, there's like a hologram sort of situation. Joy.

Yeah. Who then kind of syncs up with a real lady. Who is also a replicant. So that's like double layers of robot fucking. That's true. That's like a two times multiplier. But also, I don't know how I feel about that. No, like I'm fine with it.

Which bit are you unsure about? Because it's, I guess it's just a threesome really, but like not really. It's kind of like if say somebody was in a way where physically they couldn't make love to somebody,

but they wanted to make love to their partner and they get a third party in. I would say like, you know, you lost your partner. So, you know, you lost your husband died,

but you have like a hologram replication. Oh no, that's way worse than Justin's example. And then you've got like an escort come along and you're like, here, let me just, you can wear this hologram face. Be my dead husband.

Yeah. And plow me. No. Help me get through this. Would not help at all. Would make it way worse. That's some Black Mirror fucking shit. What I keep thinking,

and I was thinking about it when I was watching the movie. That is a Black Mirror. There's a robot in Black Mirror where that happens. Oh yeah, there is. It's Dumbledore. I can't remember the name of the episode. It just went Irish. I just shout people's nationalities. I can't remember the actors. It took a lot for us to get into the studio

after you stopped screaming Australian. So yeah, there's that option. Yeah, but what I was thinking when I was watching the movie is like did at any point Ryan Gosling just put his penis in the hologram to no benefit for himself? Because I feel like I would. I'm not saying that's a weird thing to do.

I just think if I had a lovely hologram girlfriend that I was very much attracted to, I'd be like, just sit on it. I'll be able to see my penis through you, but like, you know, it'll be like a simile of... It's robots fucking robots because he's a replicant. Everyone's fucking replicants in this situation. Actually, I don't want my robots

fucking, so yeah, no, that's all bad. I guess it'd be like having sex with the invisible woman. Yeah. But that's kind of exciting because you get to see your penis get all squished. I don't think I'd want to see get squished. I'd be like, look at it go. That's the same situation

that you get with, I don't know, just as a teenager when people are like, oh, extra gloss and stuff like that. Yeah, but looking through because it's always through women's shirts and stuff like that. Things won't look right because bras are made to not be seen through most of the time and it's gonna be the same thing with like were you saying like if you just look through and

you're like women are wearing very terrible bras no no what a terrible brother no i will not be sleeping with you i mean it's not pretty i just want to think of your support guys yeah i meant seeing through the bra but but they're clearly wearing a bra. So tits aren't going to look great. Oh, what? Because they're going to look all squishy. And like, yeah. That's just like the human body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I get it. It's just like. Bodies are gross. In bras, without bras, inside a lady, not inside a lady. None of us. Bodies are just. So you just want to imagine women,

what they look like instead of being able to see it. No. You became the villain. All I was trying to say is like the human body, if you could just see. It's weird. Well, no, if you could just see people naked. Like if in skinny jeans seeing a dick.

Yeah. But if they're still wearing skinny jeans be crumpled up like a snail I dated a guy who didn't wear underwear in more skinny jeans all the time and it was very offensive to everyone I'd be like you meet my dad for the first time

can you not wear pants why don't people wear underwear it's so weird I don't get it It's uncomfortable to have my penis rubbing against fucking denim Yeah Every time I'm like If I go to the gym or whatever I'll forget underwear

And I'm like fuck now I've got to go commando in jeans And it's the worst Do you not feel like you have a secret? I do and that's the best But there's always that fear when you're zipping You've got gotta be careful Let's talk about fucking the cast of Wall-E Because you mentioned it earlier

Well I thought if you gotta go through robots You gotta go the whole spectrum of The darkness of that thought Okay yeah We've done the easy stuff I've got a dark question Where's R2-D2? I don't know.

R2-D2 was like a fucking vision of things to come, basically. Yeah, yeah. Alright, with Wally. Wally. Eve. Definitely. 100%. Eve, probably fine. But you would? Yeah. She's so sleek. No, everyone's overage now. Oh, so everyone's overage.

It's a robot. A robot has no age. Unless it was like if you were like, oh, fucking AI. Oh, yeah. Well, nobody should be fucking Haley Joel regardless of age. Or Astro Boy. Don't be fucking Astro Boy. I was going to ask. Astro Boy.

Who's like doing that? He's a robot. But even though in the eyes of the law, fucking Astro Boy might be fine Morally and in your heart I wouldn't However, legally it's probably fine Because he's not a boy But I think of Wally as like a child

He's like thousands of years old I know, but that's just because he's kind of innocent And he's like an innocent sensibility That's as you project it I think that probably is Also Wally doesnibility. That's as you project it. I think that probably is. Also, Wally doesn't speak. How do you know he's innocent?

Wally. That's true. He could be like cursing everyone out. Yeah. Maybe he does. He just says Wally and he's like, you're a cunt.

Wally. And then you put your dick up between the eyes. But then what about like you'd be, you know, interrupting the great love story that is Eva Wally.

That's true. And she'd be coming, she's like She's found him and there's you Penis and kimbo And he's like Confused Or, after the event, have a little Threesome with him

That might be quite nice Wally Again, doesn't have that many Holes or protuberances either it's eve now but eve you can imagine vibrates yeah eve you can imagine does the yeah wally clunks wally look i'm gonna hard pass of wally but even same what he's just too small and sweet looking all right let's find a picture of eve we can talk about how fucking bad yeah well like he looks a bit like Johnny Five, but squished.

He does look like Johnny Five. Yeah, like his little brother. All right, before we start going on about the sexual merits of Eve, let's just have a quick chat about our sponsors, the Comics Confidential podcast and Tim Rogers' new book, Detours. If you're looking for a new podcast to listen to, one filled with comic book movie and TV news, reviews, and discussions, look no further than Comic Confidential. Hosted by Kate and Troy, they've just celebrated their 100th episode, and myself and Jack will be appearing on their next episode to talk all things Infinity Stones.

Did you know that there's a couple of sneaky other gems, like there's just one called Ego, and it's just a woman. And another E, which is arguably the best gem of them all, which is Rhythm. Anyways, you can find us chatting about that on Comic Confidential. Find them on iTunes, Stitcher, and just about anywhere else that hosts podcasts. New episodes every Sunday. Also, Tim Rogers, frontman and singer of the hugely popular rock and roll band UMI, has written a book that you should definitely go out and buy called Detours. Detours is an offbeat and immensely charming memoir where Tim reflects on everything from what it means to

be a man, to love, drinking, fatherhood, and the gentleman's game of footy. If you want to read something from a hard-drinking rock star with the soul of a poet, well, have we got the perfect book for you. So get out to your local bookstore and make sure that you do not miss out on this amazing read. Do yourself a favour and grab a copy of Tim Rogers Detours today wherever you get your books for the perfect Christmas gift for yourself or for someone else.

Now, let's get back to the important issues, like just how burnable is this Eve robot? All right, let's find a picture of Eve. I don't know. What's weird about Eve is that her head just floats. I very much like the idea of putting my penis in there, seeing what happens. You could definitely put your penis between that.

Kind of like smoosh. And she could definitely smack a clit with a little arm. That's true. Two. Two women. Two women. Two women. What? That's what women like.

Yeah, definitely. I like to stand next to another woman while we get smashed in the vagina by a sentient robot. That's every woman's dream, basically. Kind of like a penguin. Yeah, she is built like a penguin. There's not much dexterity to Eve In terms of

I feel like she's for women really maybe Yeah You could slip one inside you easily How big was Eve? She's pretty big Not massive Not unicorn massive If you're going from Optimus Prime to Eve

That's an easy transition Yeah I think I've got to work Look, if you're going from Optimus Prime to Eve, like, that's an easy transition. Yeah, I think I've got to work it out, so the last one is that big planet. Oh, wait, no, look, she's got fingers. She's got fingers. She's got fingers. Oh, that changes everything. You no longer need to be penguin flapped.

You can just genuinely be flapped. You can just have a lovely caressing time. Do you think you could just get really, really drunk and just invite all the robots around? Just see what happens. I just lie there nude and see what they did to my body. Nothing. They come in and go, this is weird.

And they leave. You did not tell us what this was for. R2-D2 would just be smashing into the wall. What about those tentacle squid things from the Matrix? Oh, now you're talking. A bit of hentai. Mixed with some robo-ness. Sentinels?

That's what they're called. Sentinels, that's right. Sentinels? Like the X-Men? They're big! No big robots. Hang on. They're a bit aggressive, aren't they?

The squid monster. The squid bot. And they're scary. They're definitely scary. They're scary, but like't they And they're scary They're definitely scary They're scary but like a lot of appendages What about the Fuck we should have really had a scowl So possible to fuck

You probably don't want to They do look like a scary crab They have disdain for humanity It's basically like would you have sex with an octopus Yeah exactly But I mean it's an octopus that wants to pledge you. Well, hold the phone because a fucking matrix fucking

squid could put me in a mad sex matrix where it's getting off by plugging into me and I'm getting off by a simulated bone reality. This sounds like David Cronenberg's new film that he's yet to pitch, but we'll offer his episode. A robot puts you in an erotic wonderland,

but at what cost? The last scene would just be like zooming out of like some gross male actor just like totally just like covered in like tentacles or something like that, bleeding. But then would smile and it'd be like, oh, that's an upsetting ending. Yeah, you've upset me. It does look so much like a crab. Look at its face.

It's got a lot of eyes though. It does. I mean, I don't know if that increases, like if you have more eyes, are you better at sex? I mean, that's a whole other question. Well, I've been asking Spider. I mean, it's observing a lot of things at once. Maybe it's paying attention to my needs. I guess so,

yeah. Be able to see around corners yeah see if your mom's coming yeah that's pretty like i better stop your mom's coming let's just start playing chess or something why are you sweatily playing chess nude yeah with your robot friend sweating my you were just inside me with all of your tubes just before, but if you had, if say you were fucking your robot, um, pick whatever robot you want and you start like, it's getting serious.

He starts really like them. You haven't told anyone about it. Like when, and there's a wedding coming up. Do you bring them to the wedding? It's your plus one. It's your brother's wedding. I think.

And it's been six months and it's pretty, pretty serious. It's me and rosie turned up to the wedding yeah everybody knows i'm having sex with that rope no no yeah everyone knows them they're not just going to be like jackson's in a purely platonic you know asexual relationship with that robot no they don't even know about the robot so they you talk about your girlfriend but they think it's like i'm'm going to have to let them meet her eventually. The thing is, in society, how acceptable is fucking a robot? About as acceptable as it is now.

Okay. Because if I'm taking my robot, say I'm taking Johnny Cab from Total Recall to my brother's wedding, I feel then I'm stealing his thunder. That's true. Because everyone's now asking me questions where did you get this robot why are you fucking a robot why is your penis inside it this is a wedding i feel that that is me you know stealing my brother's thunder so like i just don't

think i would i wouldn't even bring like a new girlfriend to like a wedding of my brothers yeah but this is again that's stealing their thunder i might be like hey guys before the wedding this is my new hey everybody hey family how you but this is... Because again, that's stealing their thunder. That's just rude. I might be like, hey guys, before the wedding, this is my new... Hey, everybody. Hey, family. How you doing? This is my new girlfriend. Hey, fam.

Rosie. Hey, fam. Sup? This is my new girlfriend, my new bae, Rosie the robot from the Jetsons. And just to see how my family dealt with that beforehand. Pauling. They're going to deal with it poorly.

Be my family. Let's do it. All right, cool. Hey, guys.'re going to deal with it poorly. Be my family. Let's do it. All right, cool. Hey, guys. Mom, Dad, Zalman. Sup? Hi. Hi.

I just would like to introduce you. We've been dating for six months now. We're very much in love. We're really, really glad to hear that, Jackson. Me and your mother are stoked. This is my new... I'm so stoked. My new girlfriend.

I'm really hoping to have a brother to play with. Look, well, I don't know what your relationship is to mom and dad, but you're here. We adopted him. Welcome to the family. Thanks, guys. This is exciting. There's a lot going on.

This is my new girlfriend, Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons. Should I call you Rosanna? Her name's Rosie. Oh, okay. I want I call you Rosanna? Her name's Rosie. I want to call her Rosanna. I don't know why. I feel like I'd go to shake her hand and then she'd put out a claw. That would just be the moment I'd be like,

this is real. This is happening. My son is doing this. Nice to meet you, Rosie. Jack, how serious is this? Pretty serious. Should I buy a hat? What? That's what they say. If someone's going to get married, they say, Should I buy a hat? What?

That's what they say. If someone's going to get married, they say, should I buy a hat? Have you never heard that phrase? No. You can take that with you back to Australia. Yes. If you think it's serious, people are like, oh, this is my girlfriend. We've been dating a while.

Well, I don't know if I'm going to marry Rosie the robot. Oh, I shouldn't have said that in front of her. What's the end? Are you going to have kids? We might not have kids. We might adopt. That's an option. I don't know how I feel about this.

Jackson's dad. Me neither, Jackson's mom. This is very, very confronting. Papa, mama. Should we have an invention? Is that our Italian son's name? You know what? I feel like you're really seeing the thunder from Brian's wedding.

Yeah. Your other brother, Brian. Well, that's why I did it the day before Brian's wedding. I know, but we have so much planning to do for Brian. Brian's just sitting there like, this is fucked. What does she eat? What does she eat? I mean, we don't have enough.

She doesn't eat. She has oil, like, actually. Well, we don't have any oil. We didn't plan that. She doesn't need it for oil. She'll bring her own. You can't bring your own food to a wedding. I'm so glad your grandmother is already

dead. No offence, Rosie. Rosie, wait in the car. We're going. Why do you do this? This family is dead to me. Every time you do this. Sam, you're on your son. What about Brian?

Brian, it's okay Your mother, she's having a rough time It's been quite a day She's had a couple of wines We needed it It seems difficult to bring up to your family That you're dating a robot Yeah

Now we could do this again But with a replicant or something like that Yeah, if I'm like, hey mom and dad This is my girlfriend, Rosanna, but with a replicant or something like that. Then you're totally fine. Yeah, if I'm like, hey, mom and dad, this is my girlfriend, Rosanna. And she's a replicant. You're like, okay. As long as she's not like a Nexus 6 with a four-year lifespan, things are fine. No, she's going to be around for fucking ages.

The company's probably going to try and get her at some point. That's nothing you need to concern yourself with. People will start rocking up trying to kill her. Yeah, there's Blade Runners out there that might try and murder her But like other than that man No it's a Blade Runner's murder you buy like accessory No I just wanted the best robot to fuck

How? From 2001 Yeah right Put your penis inside me Jackson I haven't seen 2001. It's just like an AI on a ship. Oh, okay. Does he do anything special?

He tries to kill Dave. He tries to murder the whole ship. Oh, right. Okay. It doesn't sound fun. Yeah, look. I can see where you're going through because it's just like...

Have you seen the Simpsons episode with Pierce Brosnan in it? How's your Simpsons knowledge? Yeah, he takes over the house. That's basically the same situation. That's 2001, but a house rather than a ship. You're not really fucking Hal, though.

You're fucking the house Hal controls. Yeah, and that's fine. Where are you sticking your dick? Showers. Yeah, well, having good shower nozzle times. Oh, yeah, that's true. Because by extension, he is everything. Yeah. Fuck a toaster he is everything. Yeah.

I mean, fuck a toaster. That's also hell. Don't fuck a toaster. That's my guidance to you as a friend. Don't fuck a toaster. I feel like the downside there is that I'm probably better off just masturbating in the house than hell. Because he's watching then. He's like God, isn't he?

Yeah. Because nothing in the house is perfectly sized for my penis. I'm trying to think of appliances which are good for my cock and I just can't think of any. He could talk to you, couldn't he, as well, while you're doing it? He could be like, why are you doing that? You will go blind. I feel like...

Hal, this isn't sexy. I said sexy talk. Hal, did I at any point request you admonish me? No. I masturbate? That's rude. I thought we were having a lovely time. I feel like Hal could probably open up port to the ship for you to fuck.

Yeah. If you really wanted to. Like a port, but then my dick's just waggling in the cold void of space. It's like it just goes outside. I meant like. What's the suction of like? What's the. My dick might get ripped off.

No, that's you just get sucked out through a hole the size of your penis. Thanks, Hal. I didn't want that at all. That was the trick to murdering Dave. That was the one thing you should have done. Make a penis hole. Just a hoover. Just have sex with a hoover.

That would be... Stick a circuit board on it. Is it the Henry? Yeah, we got Henry the Hoover. Henry the Hoover. Fucking Henry the Hoover. Yeah. I'm sure that's easy. You would not be the first person who's tried to do that got Henry the Hoover. Henry the Hoover. Fucking Henry the Hoover. Yeah. I'm sure that's easy.

You would not be the first person who's tried to do that, I'm sure. Or the last. Yeah. I'm sure there's many doctors who have been like, oh, it's a Henry incident. Once again, someone shoved Henry in their ass. God damn it. Their penis got sucked off by Henry and it's somewhere inside him. I think there was like a line in, I want to say the Fight Club book, where there

was like apparently there used to be this invention of a vacuum cleaner. It had little tiny blades in like say several inches down the nozzle or whatever the tube. As you were vacuuming, it would spin

and it would cut the dust up and everything like that and it just didn't do well because people kept cutting their penises. Not sure if true or if it's just something that Chuck Palahniuk made up. I'm going to go with the second one because he's just like, what's the most unpleasant thing I could just talk about for a bit? I did it.

You did it good. Good job, Chuck. You're one hell of a writer. It's like haunted. Everyone remembers that bit hell of a writer. It's like haunted. Yeah. Oh. What a novel. Everyone remembers that bit. What a novel.

What about Marvin from Hitchhiker's Guide? Yeah. Oh, no. Sad. Yeah. I was going to say, yeah, but having sex with sad men is never fun. No. See, like, yeah, it's like, that's the feeling after sex.

I don't want that during sex yeah unless maybe he does like the reverse you know how you get like regret orgasms yeah that was mad can robots have orgasms I sort of assume we're getting the better deal yeah

yeah I guess I'm perfect for mom I think it'll be the saddest thing you could do to him is to try and have sex with him. It would just be horrible. Let me try and jerk you off, Marvin. No, you don't.

Unfortunately, I was built without a penis. I'll do it myself. I'll go toward myself out. I can't. And then you just see him floating through space. That's what did it. Fucking messed him up. It must be horrible just watching someone

else have a really good time. Like you're watching someone on a bouncy castle but your leg's broken. And you can't go on it. So that's what it would be like as a robot. You'd be like, well, you're having fun. So we need a robot that has actually been designed to orgasm. What about... be like as a robot. You'd be like, well, you're having fun. So we need a robot that has actually been designed to orgasm. What about... But like for its pleasure.

Okay. Bicentennial man. At what point are we making sweet love to Robin Williams? First day. Because by the end of it, he's defined as a human. Haven't seen the film does he try and get his rights or something

yeah yeah and eventually he's like becomes the oldest living man and then he dies oh Data Data

he can see he's got like pleasure things and he can feel things that's good it's mutual and he had a girlfriend

at one point so we know he's good for it yeah he is good for it he is he'd love good for it. He is. He'd love it. Oh, and you could go on the holodeck with him as well. And there was that one episode where he got like a, like everyone just got their fuck on.

Yeah. Star Trek's fucking wild. Star Trek is off fucking chops, man. Yeah, him. I'd have sex with him. Yeah, Dada. And I quite fancy him, so. He's kind of here. That worked out really well for you. Well done me. I like oily

looking men. You stick with Rosie. Yeah, she's the thick babe. I'm in. I mean like Ryan Gosling and Blade Runner is probably the obvious choice. He's too powerful. I like the way he's the obvious choice that none of us went for. He's too powerful. He's the obvious choice that none of us went for. He's too powerful.

And again, can he feel love? No, he can because he also banged a replicant. No, he's good for it. He's good for it. You guys took the easy way out. Yeah, you went for Ruth. It's been hard to top the spinning on top of R2-D2. I thought you were still on a Roomba, Zaman.

Zaman on a Roomba. Vision. Vision. Oh, Vision. Phase through the floor. I think you're still in a room But Zaman Zaman on a room Vision Vision Vision Yeah Phase through the floor Yeah Phase in me boy Having sex with Vision

Is going to be too much Like having sex with Old Blue Mate What the fuck's his name Dr. Manhattan Dr. Manhattan He's too powerful It's like having sex with God

I'm not into it Well actually you know what Go big or go home Unicron I reckon I could give him A run for his money Yeah No because you get I'm not into it. Actually, you know what? Go big or go home. Unicron. I reckon I could give him a run for his money. Yeah. No, because you get the whole, like, is it in yet?

And you'd be like, yes. And your whole body would be in him. You'd be standing in a cave. Jumping up and down. Is this good for you, Unicron? I just sort of imagined, like, you know, I think at the end of the Transformers movie with the revelation

of Unicron all those horns came out and there was a big old dick you just go over to that and I gotta rub it a bit hassle it or a big vagina

just in the middle of like the desert somewhere opens up and you're like alright just go and hassle it yeah

I'm gonna use that yeah yeah yeah oh you know instead of saying like do you want me to like wank you off do you want me to hassle it. I'm going to use that. Instead of saying, do you want me to hassle it a little bit? Just give the business what you're up for. A bit of hassling. Swing it from side to side. You can just hassle me for a bit.

That would be perfect. Just hassle me and then let's go to bed. Good night in. That's what I'll bed. Good night in. Good bloody night, yeah. That's what I'll say. So yeah, Unicron. I reckon I could at least, you know, because then I could just fuck the planet.

Yeah, and that's pretty good. Anywhere I go, I'm with my bae. Samit, he fucked a planet on your gravestone. It's brilliant. Plus you upset the Transformers. They'd come and be like, it's time to... Is that guy fucking the... Oh my God. Yeah, we are not prepared for this.

Maybe I might go back to Joy because less powerful, there's heaps of her. And in Blade Runner, you find out that because she makes Brian Gorson's character feel real special, but then it's revealed that no. I mean, I could probably handle that.

I don't think I'm special. No, no, no. I don't think I'm special. No, no, no. Like, I don't think I'm special. So if I met another one of her and she was clear that she was just programmed that way, I'd be like, yeah, that's cool. I was kind of expecting that one. I mean, you're just masturbating inside her, though.

Yeah. Yeah, fuck. She's not whole. I know this is a morally bad one. Uh-oh. But Ava from Ex Machina. Who's Ava? I don't think that's morally bad because that's what she sort of meant to do yeah well she was built for yeah but like it's also kind of bad but then she

has the upper hand isn't she because she kind of tricks this silly puny human man yeah it gets out i would be tricked like that yeah so as long as you you're up for being locked in a room or whatever it is forever. You get your end away and then stabbed maybe. Yeah. Unless I don't starve to death. Look, you were keen to have fucking Fassbender put worms in your eyes. The end result of all of the

banging. Attractive people, you just do anything We know death is coming and we just deal. We just accept it. Because that means that the last thing we've done is fuck a robot. And humanity is not at that level yet. So I think that like. Although I kind of feel like we all just pussed out and used basically like humanoid looking robots. Apart from Jackson.

It's still even humanoid. Because she's wearing an apron. Yeah, but it's still got a face. Give me TARS. TARS from Interstellar. A series of moving blocks. Yes, please. Poor boy.

It's smart. Knows maybe how to please me. It'll be complicated and confusing for the first maybe several decades. Just the millions of pounds, billions of research wasted because they're like, and some guys stole it and fucked it. We're in love.

We're not going into space anymore. Sorry, everyone. I doomed the planet. I just doomed Earth. You fucked that one robot and destroyed a planet. I hope it was worth it. It was. It was. My dick is that powerful.

You've gone from fucking... That'll be on my tombstone. The man whose dick was so powerful it killed her. It killed us all. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

I've been Ellen. Roblox? Pockable? Yes. Tick. We did it. We did it. Now everyone can see

My true identity I'm Kilroy Kilroy Kilroy Kilroy Kilroy Kilroy individually i'm at douche 13 i'm at all dogs are dead and i'm at god damn it zamit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses