Plumbing the Death Star - Smurfs What?! (Feat. Michael Williams)

Episode Date: January 31, 2016

In which our heroes take a walk through the forest, look for some delicious smurf berries and end up stumbling upon some little blue men that make us question a lot of things. We try to determine just how tasty these tiny blue critters are, envision Elmer Fudd as just the loneliest hunter in the lands and work out how where the females fit into their society. Jackson struggles to work out the plural of Smurfs, Zammit wonders what the lifespan of a Smurf is and Michael just wants to make a mouth-watering smoothie. It’s an episode with a lot of questions and not that many answers as we try and get to the bottom of just what a Smurf is and how they might have come to be.Want to help Smurf research? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help determine just how delectable these things are.Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your (possible) Smurf today!For more Michael, follow him on Twitter @meandmyeasel Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sands Pants Radio. Come on, show them what you're worth. Onward to the show that's been sponsored by Matthew Saltmarsh, Ruben, Mark Borden, Borden, Borden, hmm, Bowden, this is embarrassing, I know you personally, Thomas Martin Bacchiaio, Bacchioco, there's two C's and it's throwing

me off, Alex, Dom, Dale Wilcox, Megan or Megan McGill, and Adam Kells. Remember folks, if you can't dance when your parents are watching, why dance at all? Now, enjoy the show. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like Smurfs, what? La la la la la la La la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la

Because we have a lot of questions about Smurfs. And we're just lumping them all together because you don't want three different episodes about Smurfs. Smurfs what question number one? Why is Gargamel trying to eat the Smurfs? What's he going to get out of eating the Smurfs? I thought he was trying some sort of alchemy. See, that's what you think originally.

The first couple seasons, I guess. That's what Gargamel says. But then at about the midway point, he gives up all pretense and he's like, no, I just want to eat the Smurfs a whole bunch. They seem delicious. And I'm... Like, there are so many different levels that

have to happen before gargamel can happily eat those smurfs first he has to be like i'm willing to eat another living sentient yeah talking creature yeah they got houses but i'll eat them fine it's like if cows could like houses yeah made out of mushrooms yeah if a cow built like a house out of a tree and we could communicate? I'm like, I'm still going to make a steak. Yeah, you're like, I'm still a cow. Second, he has to be like, even though there's sentient creatures, I am not going to choose any of the other food around.

No. Because he lives in a forest, so surely he could go hunting. Surely he could get an elk. Smurfberries everywhere. Smurfberries for fucking miles. But he's like, no. And also he can create smurfs because he creates smurf fat. So really he could create his own food source.

Yeah, he could have artificially genetically created smurfs. Eat them, smurfs. Yeah, smurfs. Is that what you're saying? With a V, yeah. Smurfs eat them smurfs yeah smurfs with a v yeah smurfs then the problem there in like maybe he does maybe he made a batch right yeah okay he made a batch of smurfs made a batch of smurfs tried him out i was like no it's like faking yeah yeah yeah he's not proper i can just tell i can just tell i need free range smurfs also like, like, surely he's not, it's like, is it for the taste?

It must be. Because he's not tasted them before. And it must be fucking good because every time he fails to catch and eat the Smurfs, he's not like, well, this food is a hassle. Fuck this. He's like, nah, I'm back in. Yeah. I mean, he has to have tried at least something to do with the Smurf.

He's had to dabble in, maybe like bit one of their arms off. Yeah, like in his early days of gargameling, he's like just accidentally ate a Smurf. Yeah, like he was riding on his bike and one was flying through the air and he had his mouth open. Oh, my God. Delicious. Because like Smurfs, they're tiny, yeah?

Well, they're three apples tall Which is pretty big Yeah that is big It's bigger than they're depicted in the cartoon There's a little discrepancy there Unless Smurfs Smurfs Maybe Danish apples

Or where are they from? Norwegian? Yeah Maybe Scandinavia Scandinavia Yeah Maybe they've got tiny apples over there

Yeah exactly Little apples And it makes sense for them to be three apples. Otherwise, they're like the size of a cat. Yeah, because I was thinking they'd be sort of like popcorn chicken. Yeah. Pop them down. Exactly.

You could theoretically swallow one whole. Eat a bucket of Smurfs. Like a bucket of Smurfs. Well, how do you guys imagine eating the Smurfs? Because I always imagined you made a soup out of them. Oh, really? Yeah, like you got them all together. Like a chunky stew?

Yeah, like you sort of got a mortar and pestle, squish the Smurfs down, pour it in a bowl, put in some hot water, swirl that shit around, maybe some fucking veggies, and you got a Smurf soup. I'd imagine they'd be like sweet, like they'd be good in a smoothie.

Oh, yum. I didn't even think they would be sweet. I was thinking savory. Oh, really? I just assumed because they were blue. No, that makes sense. That doesn't make sense. They're magical, yum. I didn't even think they would be sweet. I was thinking savory. Oh, really? Yeah. I just assumed because they were blue. No, that makes sense. That doesn't make sense.

They're magical, too. So, like, for sure. And they just eat nothing but Smurf berries. Oh, my God. How nice. Yeah. So, I was imagining, like, you know, coated and deep fried. Like popcorn chicken, but popcorn Smurfs.

But actually, yours and mine, well well mine might be like a tasty fruit salad but battered like smurfberry meat yeah which is probably what they taste like not that good you like you know again one of my favorite things to bring up is how we almost abuse animals just so they can become tastier yeah like how we feed pigs like nothing but acorns for a while just to get that lovely acorn taste yeah or tear eyes out of yeah birds and feed them until their liver's so engorged. Wow. Bloody amazing, mate. Could you do that to Smurfs?

To be like, they're naturally sweet but I want a little bit of savoury. So I'm just going to feed it nothing but brie for a while and see what happens. Mentioning really fat Smurfs being like, what has my life become? Let's say, hypothetically, Gargamel catches the Smurfs and like, what has my life become? So, okay, let's say hypothetically Gargamel catches the Smurfs, right? And he finishes them all.

There's only like what? Yeah. Less than 50 of them. Yeah. He eats them all. Depends how many personality traits and occupations are there. That's how many Smurfs there are. There's a lot.

We've only seen one little small tribe. There could be thousands underneath. You don't know. They could be borrowers. They could be like, yeah, like, if somebody took a cross-section of Smurf Village, it just descends down. Throws a little Smurf lava.

I hate it. But, like, let's assuming, as I think is depicted in the show and the comic, there's only, like, 50, maybe 100 at the most. And Gagamo could eat them. They're not very big big they're three apples tall pie pie

with a blue smurf on top so it doesn't matter if it's savoury or sweet it's gonna be good that's a perfect meal there you go that's how you

cook the fucking smurf plus like you know you don't have to hear them scream when you put the pastry over the top whereas the rest of ours

like getting in the deep fryer ah ah in the smoothie machine ah pie's good you don't have to hear their death rattle that's why pastry was invented

yeah god we hate hearing chickens scream when we kill them put them in a little box we could eat just smother it in pastry just smother it chuck it in the oven oh good it's not my problem you know i was gonna say you don't even need to get any like fur or anything out of a smurf but you do need to take off clothes yeah there's that and then gargamel ends up with a lot of doll clothes, I guess. That's kind of cute.

Put them on a doll. Or like, yeah, bones got to get rid of. Got to de-bone them. Oh, yeah. Which could be kind of easy. Do you feel it? What's the smallest animal you guys have eaten? Quail, I would say. Yeah, I'd say the same.

Yeah, I think quail. Oh, we're very fancy boys. I ate a witcher when I was in the Northern Territory. That's small. It's pretty little. But it didn't, no bones in it. Just goo that tastes like peanut butter. It's kind of nuts.

Yeah, but a quail is a very bony bird. So you might need to roast a Smurf, then just take the meat off, put that back in a pie, put it in there. That's true. I could imagine like boiling a Smurf would be gross. Yeah. I feel like, well, because it's skin. Like, it's a hairless animal.

How many hairless, properly hairless animals do we eat? None, really. Pigs are, like, the closest. And they've got bristles. Yeah. Fish, I guess. So that's how you'd have to fillet it, like a fish, and fucking cut the bones out and throw them on.

So I remember seeing an artist's rendition of like a realistic Smurf in quotation marks. And it's basically like a rodent. Like a little rat, like a blue rat. But then its outfits, it's in like its hat and everything, which is mushrooms. So like a little, sort of like a little spore, like a fungus that just sort of going over the top. That's cool. So if it was something like that. You can put it all together

and it might be nice. Yeah, add a little something. Yeah, like a little mushroomy pizza kind of thing. Smurfs on a pizza. Smurfs are starting to sound

real good, guys. Like I'm saying, I haven't had lunch. Have you ever had lunch? You had Smurfs for lunch? Smurfs for lunch, yeah.

It's hard to think like if I found myself a hermit and a virus and there was a whole bunch of Smurfs quite close to me, I'd be like, yeah, maybe. Maybe.

I'm pretty good. But say Gargamel eats all the Smurfs. They're done. Yeah. What does he do with his life? What's left for Gargamel? That was his everything for years and years. Because there's always one,

like one, what if they're terrible? Like what if he finally catches them? He's like, these are no better than my GMO made. Yeah, he's like... Man, we need my GMO made Yeah He needs a height smurf Oh Yeah Never mind I guess Or they're just

so delicious Does he move into the ocean and try and catch him some snorks? Yes Then he goes through all of the other

like childhood cartoon tiny beings What do you got snorks? You got Oh fuck not even tiny because they're three apples tall you can go for Bugs Bunny Other like childhood cartoon tiny beings. What do you got? Snorks? You got... Oh, fuck. Not even tiny because they're three apples tall.

You can go for Bugs Bunny. Fuck it. Fuck it. Eat Bugs Bunny. He don't give a shit. Exactly. Alma Fod's always trying to eat him. Yeah.

Everyone's trying to eat Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny is like a tall version of a smurf. Delicious. Bugs Bunny must be good. Rabbit's not even that tasty. Alma Fod, shoot a fucking deer. Yeah, right? God fucking damn it, Elmer Fudd.

Bugs Bunny, though. Deers can't put on dresses. That's a much easier kill. Yeah, they're not going to be out hunting a deer, and it's going to turn around and be like, I'm a woman now, and Elmer Fudd, you who are blind, maybe? Going to be like, oh, I won't shoot you then. Fucking Elmer Fudd, man,ard man like as an aside always seems like

the saddest man like emma fard when he's not hunting his bugs bunny he's eating like a microwaved dinner in front of a fucking tv that doesn't work i imagine one of those like wooden shacks with like no electricity not because like he's choosing to But just because he can't afford it Plus he's always so ready To marry female bugs Yeah he's so lonely He's so Unimaginably lonely He's the kind of person that

Is going into the nearest town To go to an internet cafe To go on like fucking Christian singles Or whatever He's the type that Repl replies to spam messages yeah exactly he's like i wish i could do good elmo fudd i can't though as he said i'm hunting rabbits yeah somebody's replied to me somebody's replied oh this is my lucky day did you hear there are hot sexy singles in my area Albafad, what's that like?

Albafad, you lonely man What skills does Gargamel have? So once he's at the Smurfs And he's left What's his next move? Alchemy, he's basically a god He can create Smurfs That's true, I guess he could just be like the look

I'm not going to get any natural Smurfs. So what I'm going to have to do is create my own. Or farm them. I was going to say, you just bunch them, like, you know, batch them, right? So you create a bunch of them. Chuck them out in the wild. They have to have a small generation, right? Yeah.

Like, chuck them out in the wild. So you start off with a GMO stock, right? Yeah, okay. And eventually let them free range for a bit. And hopefully, they'll just be back to their, like, peak... Smurfy selves. Selves and their sort of peak population growth. And plus, maybe delicious again.

I think, unfortunately, I think Smurfette only became, like, a real Smurf when Papa Smurf used Smurf magic on her. So, just keep Papa Smurf around. Hang on a second. Smurf magic? became like a real Smurf when Papa Smurf used Smurf magic on her. So just keep Papa Smurf around. Hang on a second. Smurf magic? What's that? I think Smurfs have magic. Smurf magic.

I think Smurfette came along and she was like an android at first or some shit. She had black hair. Yeah, she did. No, you're thinking of Sassy Smurf. Oh, man. I'm out of my depths in this conversation. you're thinking of Sassy Smurf I don't want to call it Oh man, I'm out of my depths in this conversation I know far more about Smurfs than I have any right to

So there are three Smurf women or Smurf females Smurfette Either Suzette Smurf or Sassy Smurf who's younger and has black hair and then Nana Smurf Suzette Smurf had black hair and she's a naturally born hair And then Nana Smurf Now Suzette Smurf had black hair And she's a naturally born Smurf woman

Nana Smurf was a Smurf frozen in time Fucking sort that out with your modern day science Another Smurf Just what? Like how do they even populate? What is their breeding cycle? What is going on here? If you have a Nana Smurf

Who is... What did you say? Frozen in time? They find a secret valley maybe with all of these ancient Smurfs and they dethor Nana Smurf and Grandpa Smurf. But I think Nana Smurf and Grandpa Smurf

just went missing a long time ago. So what's ancient to the Smurfs? How long do Smurfs live? How long? What's their lifespan? Because if they're like rats, not long. But if they're like cats, potentially longer. Okay, so let's talk about the structure of the Smurf village.

It's Papa Smurf's in charge. Now, Papa Smurf is the only Smurf with facial hair. Yeah. All right? So if you're going to eat him, shave him. Pluck his beard. Pluck his beard. Yeah, you're right.

Blowtorch like a pig. There we go. It'll smell gross, but it'll be worth it in the end. Actually, you want to keep him around to magic up your GMO Smurfs. So, yeah, they find the... I don't know. They find them in a valley of time. It's a mess.

And then they take... Those guys come back to the village. And then... I don't know about the little black-haired Smurf. I don't know where she comes from. She might just be about. She's like the young one, yeah? Yeah.

Isn't there a couple of young Smurfs? Yeah. But a couple of girl Smurfs in there? There's only one girl... There's only three girl Smurfs as far as I know. What was one with brown hair and freckles? Maybe that's who I'm thinking of. Maybe you're right.

Maybe Smurfette was black hair at first. Maybe. A lot of Smurf problems. But how did they survive without Smurfette or Nana Smurf? Is it like Nana Smurf births all the Smurfs, disappears in the Valley of Lost Dolls or whatever, and then... When did the young Smurfs appear? Before valley of lost dolls or whatever and then well when did the brain like

when did the young smurfs appear before or after nanosmurf or before or after smurfette i don't know i don't think they were there from the beginning as well no i think we're talking after smurfette can smurfette reproduce given that she's like a construction well i mean i don't know how powerful smurf so here's the extremely powerful particularly like dye your hair from black to blonde yeah so powerful magic nana smurf let's just take her as like like uh uh was it mitochondria eve you know yeah okay cool cool yeah um so she's like the progenitor yeah what i Is that the word I'm looking for? Progenitor, I guess. Science. Science. This confuses me.

So, her and Papa Smurf, like... No, see, her and Grandpa Smurf. Oh, so Papa Smurf is the son... Descendant. Probably the eldest son of the Smurf progenitors. All right. So, how familiar are you with, like, Titans and... Like Greek mythology?

Yeah. I'm there. All right. So, like, what? The Grandpa and grandma Smurf The mitochondrial Smurfs Yeah They Smurfed out

Fucking Papa Smurf Yeah And then Maybe other And then like all the other Smurfs maybe Or like Papa Smurf was the first Maybe there was a couple others

And then you know Papa Smurf had to eat As Greek mythology Yeah Eat his kids Do You gotta earn that red hat Damn right

Yeah exactly He died with the blood With the blood Of his brothers and sisters Yeah So Do I want this to get incest-y? Yes I do

So Sick Because that's Greek mythology So that happens Yeah hey Yeah So somehow Papa Smurf had to like

Rise up against You know Grandpa Smurf And then impregnate his mother Okay Which then gives birth to All the Smurfs that we know and love. And then she's had to fuck off, get frozen in time. So then this is what this sort of population

is just sort of being stable and stagnating there because nothing else is happening. No one's getting born. Everyone needs particular roles because you need that in society, particularly if... Really? Do you need a vain Smurf? Of course. Smurf society will not.

Not as a leap. They're like, fuck, we need mirrors. Papa Smurf's like, it's alright. I was thinking, if you have a population that's stagnant, and potentially if no one's dying, if maybe Smurfs are immortal. I think they just don't, like, they just live a safe life. I'm sure if you stood on top of one, you'd become a blue splotch. So I'm just thinking, you know, maybe Papa Smurf wanted to, you know,

put everyone in boxes and make sure every role of society was covered. So, yeah, vein Smurf. Sure. Work, Papa. Good move. And so then no new Smurf. Sure. Work, Papa. Good move. And so then no new Smurfs coming. And then when Gargamel makes Smurfette, then it's sort of like Papa Smurf is like,

oh, hang on, next generation. We need more to populate. Maybe the ones that Gargamel's killing or the straight cat ate. So let's magic up Smurfette into a viable Smurf bride. Yeah. And then we'll... That's a mess.

That's an inbred mess. That's an inbred mess. But why is he... If Papa Smurf is the father of all these Smurfs, why are they all men? Here's my gross theory. Yeah. They're kind of genderless,

but they're all still giving birth. Let's talk Smurf genitals. Yes, let's please. All right, I can agree with this. So instead of having a penis or a vagina, Smurfs have a single hole for everything. They've got a cloaca. Yeah, like a bird. Like you've got a cloaca.

Yeah. And so I guess Papa Smurf chooses a lucky Smurf from the village to give birth to the new Smurfs. Or maybe they're all Smurfing each other all the time, making new Smurfs. And then Smurfette comes in and everyone's like, what the fuck? This is like, you are not a Smurfette comes in and everyone's like What the fuck? It's just like You are not a Smurf Okay, because

How familiar are you with Transformers? Somewhat Okay, so I actually haven't read this But I was chatting to our artist, Nathan And he sort of was reading some of the comics And there's two transformers that start dating and like i want to say prowl and someone else like yeah say bumblebee it's not

but there's names that come to mind like prowl and bumblebee yeah because their whole society is genderless until you create until someone who creates rc who's like a lady bot yeah yeah so then it's like sort of these people being like that's sort of weird but it's like but is it because you know initially they were they were genderless so why can't they just find love that's so then when you introduce something which is which their society never had to deal with then what would you know you're introducing gender norms into a society that has no gender. Yeah. Right? So then what the fuck happens? Because ideally, if we can fuck off Nana Smurf for the time being,

because that's just a cog in the wheel that ruins things. But you have a whole society of just men or genderless. So you have Papa Smurf who maybe identifies maybe as more masculine. So he's got a beard. Vein Smurf clearly identifies as a woman. Yeah. So you have all these beard. Vane Smurf clearly identifies as a woman. Yeah. So you have all these different other things going on there. And then when you introduce Smurfette,

it just, like, fucks up. Just ruins everything. Well, what was interesting that you talk about gender norms, because obviously Smurf society doesn't rely on, like, the gender norms of our society. It relies on Smurf norms. And Smurf norms of our society, it relies on Smurf norms. And Smurf norms,

like everybody is assigned a sort of role or personality. But Smurfette just gets Smurfette. What's that about? You're right. Smurfette doesn't come in and they're not like, okay, you're a... You're a brainy artist. Yeah, you're a brainy Smurf. You're fucking... I wanted to say city Smurf.

Smurf fucking sits a lot. Sure, Jackson, good. But she doesn't get assigned anything. Yeah, she's not fashion Smurf. Yeah, she's not like pretty Smurf even. She's just Smurfette. Which is weird because Sassy Smurf, if that is the little blackhead Smurf's name, does get assigned a role and she's another just Smurfette which is weird because Sassy Smurf if that is the little black haired Smurf's name

does get assigned a role and she's another lady Smurf and there's also well Papa Smurf doesn't get a role he's just Papa Smurf yeah that's true what the fuck Smurfs what roll credits I've always had this theory about

Smurfette that the reason Smurfette was introduced was not to seduce the Smurfs or anything like that But was to fuck up their insect society So you assume Smurfs work like bees Which I think is a fair assumption Fair enough Yeah they do They all got little worker roles

Exactly They all come if we include Nana Smurf Or Granny Smurf Granny Smurf that's her name Yeah you got it From a giant She's really big and quite wide and large Wait what? Granny Smurf or Granny Smurf. Granny Smurf, that's her name. There you go. From a giant, she's really big and quite wide and large. Wait, what?

Granny Smurf. She's like obese. Really? Yeah. She's not like as big as like a dog, but she's huge. She's like four apples tall and three apples wide. Yeah, exactly. So you see, she's like a queen bee, right?

All right. She's just fucking popping out Smurfs every goddamn day. Yeah. Right. He's just fucking popping out Smurfs every goddamn day. Yeah. Right. So the way a bee society works is that if you introduce a younger female to a bee hive,

right, then everybody in the hive, all the male workers, they don't know who to like look after and feed royal jelly. So they revolt and go crazy and kind of kill each other. My theory is that Gargamel looked down he wasn't like i gotta make a pretty smurf he's like i'm just gonna make a younger smurf so all the smurfs are like what the fuck why are we doing this brainy smurfs like i don't know who to feed jelly to instead of stabbing papa smurf in the neck unfortunately i guess for gargamel the smurfs decided to just make her a real smurf. I guess Granny Smurf wasn't around. Oh, yeah, where's Granny Smurf?

Lost in the Valley of Time. So they almost need a female Queen Smurf. So does that mean that over time, poor Smurfette is going to get fed royal jelly and she's morbidly obese and popping out Smurf babies? Which maybe explains why all of the new Smurf babies come out. That's true. Not well, but well. And not for this episode.

We sold Smurfs. She's like, you know, keeping her figure trim, but, you know, give her like 30 years, and after, you know, 1,600 kids, it's going to take its toll. I guess that also explains why Smurf society sort of stagnated until Smurf Act came along, because unless all of the Smurf give birth, like my other theories, which I do not like.

It's disturbing, but pretty logical. Is it? It's logical enough. Or if they can be created, does this potentially mean maybe that the whole Smurf society has just been a giant mistake by, if not Gargamel, someone else? All right? So Gargamel cannot be the only alchemist,

and that's the whole point of scientific discovery. If someone can do it, someone else can do it. Yeah, and we do assume that the smurf franchise takes place within a medieval society given that gargamel is wearing robes he wears robes he lives in a shack yeah castle he lives in a shack pretty sure he lives in a castle 66 percent sure he lives in a castle am i thinking of gummy bears no the gummy bears The bad guy lived in a castle Fucking bad guy If gummy bears are scary as shit He's like an evil knight

It's fucked up Little ogres They want the gummy bears Bouncing abilities Yeah Well, gummy bears not selling Everybody likes gummy bears Are they like

Oh, let's make a fucking show About gummy bears And people eat gummy bears I think it's the other way around To cash in on the popularity of the candy. There was a hot bear on that show. Tubby gummy? Oh, yeah.

Damn right. He's a hunk. Yes, tubby gummy. Royce Garfield, sexy. Give me the vapors. But if you're trying to sell gummy bears, why would you make a show where you give gummy bears personalities

so therefore if you're eating gummy bears,'re like am i eating the people from this show that's a good question yeah actually trying to remember if you go with the gummy bears more like anti-heroes in that show there's a lot going on bounce again was it natural bounce they eat a bear in their bounce they drink gummy berry juice Come on guys, play the game Is there like a lot of ancient gummy bear Like fucking ruins That they go to To like learn more about their people I seem to remember that being a point

It was a strange show Have a fucking great intro Which I don't remember Yeah, a vague memory I know, a friend of mine has the lyrics tattooed on his leg. What a champ. Phenomenal. Is that friend you, Michael?

No. I'm DuckTales. So, yeah, so the point of, yeah, scientific discovery is that if someone can do it, someone else can do it. So if not Gargamel, maybe his predecessor or someone else, maybe his tutor or whoever he learnt can do it someone else can do it so if not Gargamel maybe his predecessor or someone else maybe his tutor or whoever he learnt it off or someone else

has created Smurfs and he's just like I'm going to do with these and just chuck them in the forest because he wants to hide his secret shame why not he's like I'm going to make sexy sex partners up they're tiny they're tiny blue and they've got weird faces

Might as well just have sex with three apples I'm going to put them in the Three apples tall Put them in the cold room That ain't right In the forest young Gargamel's like What are you doing over there? Nothing And then he gets the recipe somehow

Or finds it on his own So that's an option there How did the Smurfs come about. Here's a bit of fan fiction for you. Gargamel's mentor or tutor, whatever, he's a powerful alchemist. And one day during a failed experiment, he accidentally turns himself into like 50 Smurfs. And they go into the forest. I did not see the word 50 coming out. They're like, boop, boop, boop, boop, out they fall. And they go into the forest i did not see the word 50 coming out

out they fall and they go into the forest and gagama's like no my mentor the only person who ever believed in me i need to get your essence back inside me by eating the the smurfs and the smurfs they're just like they're like we got new personalities we don't understand but gagama's like Smurfs. And the Smurfs, they're just like, we've got new personalities we don't understand. But Gugma's like, you're Donald, my mentor. Potentially, because if you look at Donald, Donald probably has a lot of things going on in his life. He's like a good alchemist.

He's probably a good gardener. He's handy. He's brainy. Brainy. He might be a little bit vain. So by splitting himself to like 50 dudes, little dudes, maybe each one got this little tiny personality of Donald. I hope so. Donald. Which I guess brings us to another Smurf.

What? Why are they all assigned a role? Can you imagine being in that Smurf society and getting assigned a role and then you're like, maybe I don't want to be there. It's kind of like in Futurama. I like how I'm just trying to get the lens of

Smurf through other cartoons explaining pop culture references with other pop culture references is what we do it's good so like in futurama whenever when fry gets frozen in time and when he pops out they're like here's your career chip and they you know it's you you're a delivery man or whatever so i'm guessing it's kind of like that yeah but they're not all like jobs They're not all like roles that a society needs Again, vein smurf Like you're not like in a society You really should want like 50 handy smurfs

Yeah exactly You should be like Let's just make like 50 handy smurfs 10 brainy smurfs 10 brawny smurfs And they don't even listen to brainy smurf No Brainy smurf knows what's going on

And they're like shut up brainy You fucking loser Or is it sort of like maybe they there's a high turnover rate of smurfs right so it's just easier to call so we have like say 50 dudes all called you know um handy smurf yes you know one keeps dying so the other one keeps it's like it's easy they're not that handy yeah you know what i mean i guess like there's a lot of dangers but then it's like why would you have

one at a time that's kind of dumb it doesn't really explain much is it kind of just like that's just smurf naming conventions so something that you are

like you do a lot or you're particularly fond of they're like yeah we'll just give you that name but when do they name them when's their naming ceremony

yeah surely it's not at birth because then they just be like whining smurf right baby smurf and smurfs are immature and don't understand babies i don't always assume smurfs were kind of like deer or in that in that when a smurf is born pretty quickly it becomes like a valuable member of smurf society. Just like how a deer, when a deer is bought, it becomes very quickly a valid member of a deer society. Yeah. Half-south other deers. Papa deer. Yeah.

So I assume pretty quickly they're like maybe, you know, five years in that Smurf's an able-bodied Smurf. And they're like, we'll give you your naming ceremony, your Smurfing ceremony. Less than five years. Because how long did Smurf live for? I don't know. Smurf what?

Yeah, I don't know. Well, Gargamel never ages in the show, right? I know, it's a cartoon, but let's take that as writ. That's there. It's just like a day in the life of every episode. It's like a day of Gargamel's life. Yeah, let's say Gargamel, the show takes course of like... I think there are a couple of birthdays in there

Oh yeah Probably Jokey Smurf does have a lot of presents to give out That's true You don't need a Jokey Smurf in your society No, we do As a comedian, I feel hurt by that That's us, Jack

I'm not Brawny Smurf? Jackson, no Oh my god I'm not brawny Smurf Jackson No Oh my god Yeah fair enough But see Jokey Smurf doesn't entertain the other Smurfs He hassles them That's true He just gives them gifts they don't want

One of which I think is a bomb Yeah That's all I remember is yeah Lots of bombs being handed out. Calm down, Dirty Smurf. Maybe you've got some wires crossed. Terrorist Smurf. Yeah.

So what the fuck are we talking about? Smurfs. Oh, yeah. That's not a Smurf what? Language. Yeah, why does Smurf every Smurf? A perfectly good sentence in smurf land is Nice smurf, I see you smurf those smurfs over there Do you want to come back to smurf and smurf some smurf smurf?

So smurf can be an adjective Smurf can be a noun Smurf can be a verb Smurf in USA, their number one hit single Smurf in USA So does smurf smurf smurf work as a sentence? Smurfing sm, their number one hit single. Smurfing USA. So does Smurf, Smurf, Smurf work as a sentence? Smurfing Smurf, Smurf, maybe. Yeah, Smurfing Smurf, Smurf.

That's not good. Maybe it's like an inflection thing. So there's a difference between Smurf and Smurf. Yeah, tonal languages. Yeah, exactly. But then why is the rest of it English? That's a good point. Unless you assume it's part of like the fucking alchemy

curse that fucking Donald is under where slowly every word he's saying is becoming Smurf. But because it's all Donald, he just knows what he's saying to himself. Because yeah, there is that level of understanding. They know what they're saying. Oh yeah, if somebody's like, hey, do you want to Smurf to the Smurf

Smurf? Everyone's like, yeah. do you want to smurf to the smurf smurf? Everyone's like, yeah. Everyone's like smurf smurf. Um, yeah. So maybe, maybe there's like a level of telepathy involved. Well,

if they're a hive, like my other theory, Jackson belly has many theories. Like my other hair and smurf, uh, existence where they're kind of like bees and they would have like fucking, what do you call it, like pheromones. Yeah, isn't that what my knowledge of ants comes from community or it's kind of like, you know, one ant goes to another and just vomits pheromones.

I mean, it's like blah, this, blah, that. So it could be a level of that. Probably what's happening with the Smurfs. Chances are they're vomiting up fucking Smurf pheromones for the others to Smurf up good. Maybe with inflections and maybe with the way you're, whatever pheromone you're giving off, that informs what the Smurf will mean this time.

Yeah. Schools in Smurf village must be a hassle. Just be like, all right, lesson lesson one it's pheromones you'll get it you'll get it look it up in the smurf sanctuary instincts nature there you go because what actually though if you have a handy smurf yeah how's he learning this same with art like artist paintyurf, whatever his fucking name is. Yeah. Because he's not going to, they're all going to get the same education. Or as you said, it's pheromones and that's your education. Deal with it. So it was just that. Go learn a trade. Yeah.

Yeah. Are they naturally good at, well, one is naturally good at being an artist. One's naturally good at being a brawn. One's naturally good at being a vape. Because you feel like brawny Smurf, it's like if, you know, a brainy Smurf, if you just went over and did some, you know,

bench presses, he could become... He could become brawny Smurf. You'd think. Would you rename him? You'd want to. Or would brainy Smurf feel like,

I've become used to my name? I don't know. Who names them? Do they get to choose or is it Papa Smurf? That's where it comes in. What naming ceremony? Does Papa Smurf stand on his, like,

fucking Smurfy podium and is like, all right, what's your baby? Clever brainy Smurf. Get out of here. Another Smurf what? Assuming that Smurfs are not the Smurf-splosion of Donald the Alchemist, which I'm not willing to discount. Smurfs don't contribute to the ecosystem

Like they don't fit within the natural order of nature And you know what I mean It's not like Smurfs die and then the deers eat the Smurf And then the lion eats the deer Yeah, yeah They just eat berries Maybe they spread the seed of the berries Maybe

But they're in a village So realistically Unless What are Smurf's poop. Like, if they're part of a... Like, do they have, like, a sewerage system underneath, or are they just pooping in the woods? Because if they're just pooping in the woods, they're making more Smurf berries for them to eat, to then poop, and that's a beautiful cycle.

I don't know if beautiful is the right word, but yeah, it's a cycle. It's certainly something. Well, on that note, here's like another Smurf what? Why are they blue? From all of the Smurfs? Is it like flamingos? Flamingos are only pink

because they eat a whole bunch of pink shrimp. And if you don't feed them pink shrimp, they stay white. If you didn't feed a Smurf... Fascinating. I don't know if this is just a lie. I think I may have mentioned another episode before. But I remember hearing or reading somewhere that there was a bunch of baboons. Okay.

That was all like gorillas. They were also eating flamingos. And because the flamingos were getting pink from eating the shrimp, then the baboons or whatever were eating the flamingos, their fur was turning pink. That's awesome. Is that true or just a lie I was too eager to believe? Because I kind of love the idea.

There's a bunch of pink baboons out there hoeing down on flamingos. It is amazing. I guess it's not beyond the realm of possibility for a baboon to eat a flamingo. Right? I don't know if it would go pink, but sure, some baboons have eaten flamingos in the past. Flamingos and apes cross paths. Well, flamingos are... Where some baboons have eaten flamingos In the past Flamingos and apes cross paths Well flamingos are Where are baboons? Africa?

Where's like a naturally forming flamingo? I think Africa I think it's possible How do we know less about flamingos than we do smurfs? These are real creatures That may be endangered I don't know That is a sad point.

That is. Apparently they can fly. We learned that fact. That was crazy. I didn't know flamingos could fly. Yeah. That was nuts.

I know how many Smurfs there are but I don't know that flamingos can fly. Yeah. So why are they blue? They're eating Smurf berries. I think kids are eating

Smurf berries. Smurf berries are blue. Yeah. So they eat Smurf berries and they go blue. And if you denied them Smurf berries they'd go gross and white which is disturbing to imagine gray i saw a poster of smurfs too there's some gray ones on there oh yeah what's the deal with that like i refuse to watch smurfs too i'm not even not happening but i'm not even thinking of like

the the neil patrick harris vehicle smurfs um i'm even thinking of like the Neil Patrick Harris vehicle Smurfs I'm just thinking of the cartoon Smurfs but yeah those amazing films what's because they're they're in modern society which is a worrying

no because I think they come from a magic Smurf I think they pop they pop through a portal I'm sure they have to yeah

yeah yeah yeah there we go there's a portal involved because otherwise god damn Jesus Christ that means Gargamel is like what the fuck is with like 80s cartoons and just portals to other dimensions it was just the way you did it's like because I was watching um like floppy dogs like this this this film I cherishly remembered was a small child and I found it on YouTube and

I made me an m watch it um she loved that. She absolutely adored this thing. But yeah, there's a talking dog that basically like have a key. It just opens up portals through dimensions. It just happens. I don't know. That was just the way they did back then. I think even the gummy bears did it occasionally. Fucking Ninja Turtles were doing it every other fucking goddamn day.

Bear bears, nothing but portals. I guess we gave up on it and started parodying portal travel. God damn day. There's nothing but portals. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah, I guess we gave up on it and started parodying portal travel. Like in fucking, what's that movie where it's like, oh, it's a Disney princess. Enchanted. Enchanted. She come through a portal. Yeah. That was an art film.

Maybe. I don't remember it. So, like, convicted that, yeah, it was good. No. No. Who knows? It could have been great. All right. So, they're blue because they eat berries.

Yeah. Does that mean that if you wanted to find Smurfs, like say you're on a Smurf hunting party, you'd be looking through the forest and you'd look for blue deer or whatever? I'm not going to say what else to make. How big are the berries? I think about as big as a Smurf head,

so one apple tall. Man, the cartoon does not portray that well no no it does not are there other smurf societies are we getting a snapshot of that's what i'm thinking like a forest here but like fucking 100 meters that way is there another smurf society yeah like a smurf side i'm like the shore of like some sort of sea yeah like i just mean in terms of like you don't get a solitary collection of animals in nature no it's not like oh yeah welcome to the savannah this is the one lion pride you know what i mean yeah yeah so unless either that's why i think your insect theory kind of works out or

if it is like a pride yeah and why is Papa Smurf keeping all the boy Smurfs? Because they're all going to get impregnated by him and give birth at the Smurf cloacas. They have to be genderless. It makes no sense because if it's in nature, it's going to be like, they're going to be kind of uprising to be like, no, I want to be the new alpha male.

Maybe it's like like it's the same with like fucking like ants or bees yeah you get the queen smurf granny smurf is in the smurf hole in time then you get papa smurf and the rest of the smurfs are like a time so it's a summoner time you get the rest of the smurfs that are either worker smurfs or warrior smurfs and they're like we're just gonna sm Smurf around. Yeah. Because we ain't got Smurf else to do. And then when Smurfette gets introduced, they're like, I guess this is the new queen. They worship her or whatever.

Feed her royal jelly. Yeah. She's the one who pops out new babies. Yeah. And Gargamel comes along and he's like, this ain't on. And just eats them all. One fell swoop. One afternoon of Netflix

Polishing off Smurfs in a goddamn bucket Eating them out with his hand Not even savouring the taste Fucking three in his mouth at once Now that's an insult to the Smurfs Rude Just Gargamel dropping bits of Smurf

When he's like belly Just like gets him with his fingers Gross This is rude. This is Gargamel dropping bits of Smurf when he's like, belly. Oh, man. That's fine. Just like gets him with his fingers. Oh, gross. You could make a good jam out of him. Yeah, you could. Did you know that Gargamel's cat is named after the angel of death, Azrael?

Azrael. Hmm. Interesting. Don't know what that's about, but there it is. Huh. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been michael and where

else can we find you michael um i host a podcast with my wife where we watch every episode of duck tales good it's called it's a duck blur and i also host a movie trivia quiz show that both you lovely lads have been on called pop quiz hot Shot. Damn right we have. Sick. So check them out. They're available on iTunes, Stitcher, and everywhere else you can get good podcasts. Anywhere. Giving them out. Straight corners. Angus and Robinson, they've stuck the shelves.

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