Plumbing the Death Star - Someone's Given You the Keys to the Magic School Bus, Where are you Going? with Hayden Bleechmore

Episode Date: April 18, 2021

You can physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. Did you know they make toy smartphones for babies now? What is that? My little dick pic? I don't know. Hey guys, it's Cameron James from the Total Reboot podcast. Just letting you know that I'm doing an hour comedy show at the Sydney Comedy Festival, April 29 to May 1 at the absolutely marvellous Enmore Theatre. It's in a smaller room, but that's not important. Book at sydneycomedyfest.com.au.

There is limited seating, so please book early, baby. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, someone's given you the keys to the magic school bus. Where are you going? All right. So am I a sub teacher?

Yeah, I'm imagining it's a situation. It's like Miss Frizzle's come down with the, she's somebody, somebody trying to take her out, where Miss Frizzle's come down with the- Somebody trying to take her out whacked her with a billy club in the neck. And Miss Frizzle's holed up in hospital. So she needs some subs. She needs four beautiful, handsome subs to take over her club. She's like, plumb in the Death Star and their special guest Hayden Bleachmore. Yes, hello, hi everyone.

That was a perfect segue into introducing our guest, something that I forgot to do at the start. Anyway, we've got the keys to the car because she's been hit with a billy club. First off, quick question. How long have I had to prepare? I don't think any time at all. Honestly, that probably wouldn't have changed my answer.

Because I feel like I would approach this how I used to teach anyway, which was rock into class, realise, oh, no, can I give the class a sculpting talk about how they haven't done any homework? So two side notes here that is worth noting. One, in this situation, I imagine, even though we've all been left in charge, it's because Miss Frizzle was teaching four periods.

We've got a period each. We've got to figure out what we're doing with this fucking magic school bus. She's out for four days. We have a whole day each to fuck around on the magic school bus. And second thing, Joel Zammett taught all three of us at some point in his life. That's true. So keep that in mind when Zammett reveals that he's questionable to each of his techniques. His classic trick.

Has anyone done the readings? We have five. No, thank Christ. Okay, I can spin this into a whole lesson about personal responsibility and act disappointed. Mr. Salmon, normally Miss Fristle takes us in the magic school bus. Wow. What do you have, an excursion plan today?

Okay, so the primary school kids. Okay, so I enter the room. I look around. What do you have, an excursion plan today? Okay, so the primary school kids. Okay, so I'd enter the room. I look around. What do I have? You've got, there's a guano. There's a globe. I feel like there's a globe flying around. There's a blackboard.

There's some plants. There's some kids' desks. The kids are there. The kids are there, yeah. All right, and I do, okay, we're going to give them the magic school bus, and we're going to explore the bookshelf. So you get a bookshelf in the classroom. So you're getting small?

Yes. How small? Oh, very small. Small enough that I feel a spider could get us. That's great. Okay. So like all the kids being like, what are we looking for? We're looking for dust mites.

Look how big this book is. Holy shit. Do you want the dust? Okay. Because like a spider could get an ant, but a spider could also get like a speck of dust. for dust mites. Look how big this book is. Holy shit. Do you want the dust? So are you, okay, because like a spider could get an ant, but a spider could also get like a speck of dust.

I'm trying to figure out like. I feel like a spider couldn't get a speck of dust. No, a spider probably couldn't. It's too little for the spider. A speck of dust? A spider could pick up a speck. I can pick up a speck of dust.

But it wouldn't. What could it? I can pick up a speck of dust. I've done it before. You can pick up a clump. I'll do it right now. You can pick up a clump of dust. I've done it before. You can pick up a clump of dust. I just picked up a million specks of dust. Why is that so dusty, by the way?

This is a new studio. We move, Hayden. Put things on the wall. Last of falls down. On top of our recording equipment, apparently. Because we didn't take it out when we used power tools. Clever. Like you, Hayden.

If anything, question that. Not why it's dusty. Yeah, why is it covered in plaster dust? Isn't that what you think when you're putting things up to move it out? You'd be like, why is there plaster dust? There is no holes in the wall. There's not. It's like that railing went into magic.

I don't know You could have glued it on It would be glue dust all over it None of the buttons would work It would be stuck That's the level that I like to be at Okay hang on I can bullshit this enough

So we're going to look at We're going to get small You never answer my question We're thinking this through Dusha Okay, hang on, hang on. I can bullshit this enough. All right. So we're going to look at, we're going to get small, and we're going to look at. You never answer my question. Size of an ant? We're thinking this through, Dusha. We're in the bus. We're in the bus.

I put it up and I'm like, all right, children, gather around into the bus because we're going to go to the bookshelf and we're going to look at prints and see how when you you print on a piece of paper, how small the ink can go. How small? What do you mean? The ink doesn't go small. What do you mean? Charles, shut up.

I don't need you talking back to me. Sorry, sir. We're going to look at paper. Wouldn't it be easier to see that on an open book? No, no. We're going to go at Wouldn't it be easier to see that on an open book No, no, we're going to go into the book realm Well done Hayden, we're going into the book realm

Is that what you call the book shelf? Or is this a dimension? It's what I will call the book shelf We're going to go in and see how interesting the different fibres that make up paper, how paper is made from close up. Sir, sir, why can't we use a microscope?

It seems like it would be incredibly easy to use a microscope. Because you're five years old, I'm not going to put you around expensive equipment like a microscope. Do you know how dangerous that is? Get in this school bus and let's get tiny. Sir, I think we're like 11. I don't think we're 5. What? Sir, by book realm

do you mean the bookshelf? Yes! Is it book realm when we're normal sized too? Sir, I'm pretty sure a spider could pick up a stack of dice, sir. No, they're too big. Sir, you understand Miss Frizzle's teaching us science, so why did you think we were fine?

Oh, science? Okay, um, we're going to go into... Sir, you know that, like, I'm not questioning the ink, because ink, what you were saying does still relate to science. I just mean as an example of our age. Yeah. What were you like in biology? Well, sort of general, because this is sort of primary

school. What's that lizard over there? Well, that's our lizard. I forget its name, but it has a name. Can we go in that? Let's go into the lizard. We're going into the lizard realm Lizzy

is it's name Lizzy yeah it's name is Lizzy that's great as well because like you know Miss Frizzle knows what's in a human when they go in that boy's guts

being just in the like horrible pink womb like of the lizard being in the womb of a lizard what in the womb that's like the

last place I want to go do lizards have womb no they like eggs I'm a lizard. Look at the womb. That's like the last place I want to go. Do lizards have wombs? No, they lay eggs. Well, the eggs are going to start somewhere. Wait, do some lizards give live birth? Yes. Do they?

Some snakes do. I know that. Maybe we do need to go on this list. Figure out what the fuck is going on. Everyone get in this bus. We're going to go small, the size of a pallet of lizard food. And then the lizard's going to eat us. That's how we get into the lizard world. Okay, so we're getting full on digested.

I just had one of those out of body experiences where I'm like, oh, this is a Plumbing the Dessert episode where we definitely get yelled at. Plumbing the Dessert has tackled science. Something that we should know better than to do. Ask the important questions. How small does ink go? Do lizards have wombs? Maybe.

Paper, parchment, fibres. See how big they are. Okay, first we're going to combine this. We're going to feed the lizard a little ball of paper. What? To see how the fibre is digested.

To see how the fibre is digested. Where are we? Sir, I am on board. I'm already in the bus. He's in the bus. Let me rip up this. Let me just rip up this copy of whatever we've got. What 11-year-olds read?

Animorphs? We're ripping up the cover of Animorphs and we're feeding it to Lizzie. Okay. But are we just watching the Lizzie? Well, you're in the bus while I'm doing that. Are we tiny whales watching the Lizzie? No, you're waiting in the bus. I think so.

I think so is doing it now, but I can't quite see in the glass. Is the bus in the room? No, it's just fine. But, Jimmy, the bus shrinks down. That's not a crazy question. The bus will go inside a lizard. It can go inside a glass room, Jackson. That is true.

But no, it's outside the school. But also, why is a lizard going to eat paper? Well, that'd be interesting. Of the lesson, why you shouldn't eat paper is the science lesson of today. No, no, no. Yes, it is. Why you should or shouldn't eat paper. Will it?

Well, if I smear lizard food or wrap it around a pellet and maybe rub its little neck a bit. It's the idea that we're going in. I like the idea of me is with the lizard forcing paper down his throat while, what, 20 students are sitting in a bus waiting? This seems like a very unnecessary step It's just the lizard dies And you just don't come get us

Sir can we come in and go in the lizard We're going to watch the decomposition of a lizard From the inside Now that's exciting isn't't it, boys and girls? That's a slow and sad science. Yeah, doesn't it? It decomposes into quite a lot. Yeah, like dead.

Pack a lunch. If we can go small, can this bus speed up time? I think it can do anything, sort of. I don't think it can speed up time. They can become electricity. Didn't we go back in time one time or some shit? Didn't we see dinosaurs? And you're or some shit? Didn't we see dinosaurs? And you're telling me we can't experience a lizard dying from the inside?

That's just pig. So be cowards, you children. Pig becomes black becomes bone. That's all that is. That's horrible. Wouldn't the lizard rot from the outside first anyway? Because that's where the air is and all the germs. I don't know.

We're seeing just pink and then bone. Well, we're just in the stomach and it's just dark and all of a sudden there's like a bit of a light hole. Like, oh, what's happening? My parents probably miss me. This is great. We've got stages. So we go in there with a lizard and we can watch it choke in real time.

Okay, great. How did you save the lizard at that we go in there with a lizard and we can watch it choke in real time. Okay, great. How did you save the lizard at that point? It's too late now. That's not science. I'm teaching the children about death now. Is this lesson still about book realm? The dangers of book realm. And the consequences.

The consequences of meeting a lizard. A book. So basically, none of these kids will ever read ever again. I hope this is a normal field trip. No, it's not even really a field trip yet. We didn't leave the classroom. You left the classroom to come back in.

To go out to the bus. To get to the bus, to get small. The excursion was to the bus. The excursion was to the bus and to the lizard. Things happened that were not part of my, out of my control. Like you choked the lizard. And now exploring a live lizard. We're using this, we're making lemons out of lemonade or whatever. I kind of wish the lizard lived just to figure out what your original plan was

before the death that you were. I assume we were going in after the little ball of paper. Why? Because we wouldn't have seen what happened. We'd need it in the stomach, I guess. Yeah, because then we would have seen what happened with the little ball of paper. It'll get. Because then you're just showing, presumably,

that was just to show digestion. Yeah. You might have just feed it food. Great idea. May I just say, where were you 10 minutes ago? You started yelling about Lizzie and you said nothing. Really? You stayed quiet.

Yeah, really. You don't think it's required for evil to flourish, for good men to say nothing. Now, but look at these lessons we're teaching these children. Wow. Thick and fast. Complacency kills. Yeah.

Okay, so how about we review it like this You know you have like Rate My Teacher What do the students say about Mr. Zammett? Yeah, so we've experienced a rotting lizard from the inside And I figured because we can fast forward time for a bit We're doing it in stages That's neat Or what about instead of reviewing it like a Rate My Teacher

We review it like a Rate My Teacher, we review it like as though we were a parent's advisory council discussing the episode. What did the children learn? So I've taught them about death, consequences, and for evil to flourish. Or good, I mean, you'd have to say nothing. Pretty important lessons. Not bad. You really turned it around. Yeah, yeah have to say nothing. Pretty important lessons. Not bad.

You really turned it around. Yeah, yeah, yes. Graphic depictions of a lizard dying. I don't know if it was a graphic depiction. It was just a lizard dying. I suppose the students were in the bus while it happened. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I went on Rate My Teachers just praying that Joel Zammett was on there but he is not can we put him on there? that would have ruled but unfortunately no results do you know how excited I was for a second there? anyway, what were you saying?

what are we reviewing Zammett? what do we think? out of five? we've all been Zammett students do you think these? Well, I mean, I think- Out of five? Well, we've all been Zammett students. Do you think these kids would be better off than us? Well- At the same age? My big criticism of Joel Zammett was he used to do that thing that everyone makes fun of

teachers for doing, which is sitting on a chair backwards. No, that's cool. That's what cool teachers do. That means he's like one of us, dude. I had a cap on. I put on backwards. Yeah, you know. I just want to clarify that second part was a joke. My statement

actually happened. Well, let's compare it to Joel Zabit, I guess, the actual teacher. In my defense, I knew exactly what I was doing. Sitting in a chair. And it was very funny for me. So I reckon this

class... Are you trying to say the joke was on us? Yes. Look at these idiots watching me on a backwards chair. Got them. Sometimes jokes are just for you, man. That one was a joke for me. What was the joke? That's a classic funny way for a teacher to sit.

I guess. Like I was doing the thing. Doing the thing that teachers do. Doing the thing. You're sitting like a teacher sits. That's a classic funny way for a teacher to sit. I guess. Like I was doing the thing. Doing the thing that teachers do. Doing the thing. You know when you go to, like, in France and you're at the Eiffel Tower and you do the thing where you're trying to lift it up big? Maybe I'm thinking of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Yeah, Leaning Tower where you're trying to support the Leaning Tower.

Oh, no, Jackson's just assuming the cool teacher pose. He's doing it. I'm doing the thing. How relatable to teens do you feel? Heaps. It's really stretching my groin. Oh, yeah. These chairs are not designed for this way of sitting.

Those chairs are not. Yeah, that's disappointing. Chairs are mostly designed to be sit in the way that they're meant to be sit in. In fact, it's why they put the back at the back. Yeah. Well, this just shows that I'm a rebel, and so is Joe Zammett.

Well, look, in the absence of figuring out any way to review Zahman, I will take it. Out of five. Well, we should give it a letter system, right? Why give him a C plus? He killed the classroom pet, and I liked that pet. So he's getting a D minus from me. I hated the pet, conversely, so B minus.

It still wasn't a good lesson. Well, it would be terrible for you because you have to sit still in a thing while nothing's happening for a week. What? Clearly I would encourage people to run around the rotting lizard. Yeah, go touch the guts. Oh, yeah, true, true, true, true. Well, then maybe A plus.

Do you bring a torch? No. The boss has headlights. But you can only run around in the room that the boss is in, which is apparently the womb. I'm not calling into the womb. Where are you going? We went into the mouth.

We'd be in the stomach. You can't get to the womb from the neck. I'm only going from the information I was given before. We're there for a while, but sped up, baby. We go all over the place. Who wants to see a rotting lizard heart? I know I do. Okay.

Maybe a back tour would be mine. Anyway, I'm taking the children To a waste treatment plant To look through To see what we could find Are you going Via the toilet Are you getting flushed

No we're just driving there So you're using the bus Like a boss Yeah Cause like Cause like you know Like everything gets flushed down there So like maybe we'll find

Something cool As As Well like What are you Are you going tiny To dive around the shit No no no no no So no, no, no.

So we pull up in the, this is, hey, students, get in the fucking bus. Hey, they're in the bus. I have a level five. Turn on the bus. The bus is like, where are we going, Jackson? I'm like, ah, because it talks. I don't think it talks. Anyway, we drive to the waste treatment plant.

We park in the car park. The students get out. I go up to the front door. Knock, knock, knock. The fella says, hey, what can I do for you? I'm like, can we root around in the garbage? In the human shit? In the human shit? Yeah, to try and find valuables. Human shit or lost and found?

Are we talking about a rubbish dump? Or are we talking about where shit and piss goes? Okay. Are you going to their lost and found or are you going into the shit? Well, we'll go to the waste. I don't think a waste treatment plant is a lost and found. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. What do you think happens if you flush a wedding ring down the toilet? I've seen

around the twist and I'm pretty sure he gets his retainer back from doing that. That can't be true. So I've been on a school trip to a waste treatment plant and the only thing I remembered was the guy also was just telling he was doing like 10% an educational trip

and 90% a ghost tour. That rules. And the students were getting ghosts of shits passed. Yeah. Well, yeah, people were getting like upset because they were scared. We went to like the Werribee one. Yeah. And the highlight of that trip was watching two cows fuck.

Oh, two cows. Yeah. Well, a cow and a bull. That's cool. That's still cool. I also went on this excursion. And the one thing I remember is we're on the bus and the lady was like, we're going through the big tanks that are all outside.

And some kid asked a question. She's like, I'll give you the answer. And then other kid was like, how much do you get paid? And she goes, not enough. And that's the only thing I remember from that trip. Wow, that rules. But in the defense of Jackson, I believe that they do have kind of like a filtering system,

so some like valuable, but they've already found. Well, yeah, well, we go to the lost and found as well. But it's not a lost and... It's basically a lost and found. Dusha, what's it been? Lost. What are we doing? Finding it.

So therefore, it is a... It's a lost and found. So we go to the lost and found. We can root around in that. See if there's anything good. So I know you're imagining just a tub full of rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And goldfish. Full of jewels.

And retainers with teeth in them. And then we go to where the magic happens, you know, because they've got to come from somewhere. And we root around in that for the day for a new stuff. Wait, what do you mean when the magic happens? What do you mean? Is that where the magic comes from? The arsehole? Are you talking about the human arsehole?

Are we going into a someone's voice? Let's sit at the bottom of the toilet and watch it open and close. Come gather round, children. Let's watch a dilating anus. He squeezed one out. Here it comes. This is where the magic happens, everyone.

Seatbelts on. I mean, where they're filtering it. We go there. How good was this, students? There might be gems in that. We don't know. You've misunderstood where stuff that gets flushed down the toilet accidentally goes.

It's inside the shit. It's crazy someone swallowed all of this. These are all inside guts children. But the way that the filtering system would work would have to be not particularly

that filtering and also a lot of rubbish because you can flush things down a toilet. You're not meant to. Well we have to filter through that stuff. Yeah. So it's just going to be a lot of rubbish because you can flush things down a toilet. Well, we have to filter through that stuff, yeah. So it's just going to be a lot of sanitary products and condoms, which you shouldn't flush, but people do. Well, yeah. The kids can wait in the bus. I don't care, and I'll just filter through that

until I find valuables or gems or diamonds. The children are immaterial at this. So your field trip is you're leaving the kids in a locked bus while you root around in human shit. Make sure the windows are locked up. You don't want to smell all that shitty fumes. I'm not really teaching this class. Maybe I already have flushed something.

I just needed a ride to the waste treatment plant. I didn't have a car. So I just drove the bus down there to root through it I get back in the bus smelling of shit like yeah I got it kids we're all incredibly dehydrated because you park directly in the sun

why does the bus smell of sweaty kids yeah wow sucking down a big diet coke they had a vending machine in there I like to imagine the thing you lost was a five dollar note and you used that five dollar note to buy a Diet Coke.

A Diet Coke and it has some change left over that I just threw away. It's back into the human ship for the next guy. It's like a wishing well. Trying to skim it across a septic tank. Just sinks in. Oh, that's cool. The kids see.

Oh, no, they're in the bus. Oh, my God, the kids. Then get back in the bus and drive back with, like, maybe still a couple of hours to spare of the day. Do whatever you like, kids. I'm happy. Free play. Maybe lie down.

Dead fish. You guys look like you need a rest. Just drive to my house, get out, go inside. Leave the bus on the nature strip. Just chuck the keys in the car. One of you guys will figure it out. I thought you were going to Just chuck the keys in the car. One of you guys will figure it out. I thought you were going to say chuck the keys down the drain. Into like a, whatever you call it, whatever.

Stormwater drain, yeah. Go inside, chuck on Frasier, take off my shoes. I'm baby here, the blues are cool. I'm selling the scrambled eggs. Today was a good day. I wonder what that Fraser's up to today. Fraser. I'm Fraser and Niles. Today was a good day I wonder what that phrase is up to today Fraser I'm Fraser and Niles

So yeah how did my class What do we think I'm going to give it a big F I didn't learn a thing I was in a bus all day I was in a bus all day And I saw a human shit come out of a human anus. Oh yeah, was that part of your trip?

Did that actually happen? Yeah, well, that might have been. Maybe if the kids complained that it wasn't educational enough, I'd be like, I'll take you with a match. That's funny if I think that all of the stuff in The Lost and Found was in guts. That means the $5 that I'm looking for definitely was.

Yeah, you ate $5. You dropped it in the sand which you were making. You didn't realize. I was like, is that lettuce or is that money? It's too far away for me to see. I'll know when I eat it. And then when it's processed at the waste treatment plant, I can check if they have a $5 note or not.

And if they do, then it was money. Money or lettuce. So as a child, I learned that hot, well, that's why dogs die in hot cars so that's valuable now you know and also i saw an anus open yeah it's kind of educational it's not not educational yeah it's worth seeing right you should look at it once yeah it's not a human hand shooting right in front of your face yeah yeah i'm not right in front of your face it's right in front of your face. It's between you and glass. But it's very big and you're very small. It just feels like it's in your face.

It just feels bigger than it is. The shit I imagine encompasses the entire boss, right? Yeah. Every period of time, the shit goes over the boss entirely. And the windscreen wipers. So I imagine the noose being kind of like the size of maybe Like a double doors

Yeah okay Okay I was imagining Much bigger Yeah yeah yeah No but double doors is good That's also good Because who's this person You would notice the bus

I don't know if you Would notice the bus Well where's the bus In your mind I mean it's a bus In the toilet Underneath where the anus Yeah I imagine

We went up the sewers Yeah To where the magic happens Where were you Imagining the bus was? The void. Poking its little bus head out of the water. Headlights right on a man's noose.

Yeah, a little snorkel. At least it's well lit. And then as I see the guy about to shit, I honk the horn. He goes back up. Students, how good was that? And he turns around and looks at us. And I'm like, oh, fuck, reverse. Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus, we've been rumbled. And he turns around and looks at us and I'm like oh fuck reverse! Jeez! Jeez! Kids! Jeez! We've been rumbled! And then he flushes and off you go. Now that's kind of interesting Don't worry

we'll end up at the waste treatment plant. Now I get to experience the sewers. I like the idea of getting flushed and then end up at the waste treatment plant

and you press your face up against the window because you've seen your five dollars. There it is kids! There it is! How do I turn this bus around?

That's probably a D from me, I reckon. Like, a D-. Actually, yeah, the same score I gave our good friend Joel Zammett, who did nothing wrong. I can't remember. Oh, wait, no, he killed the lizard. So killing a lizard or watching a human shit. But also being left

in a hot seat. If it was just watching someone shit, watching someone shit is far more pleasant than watching. That was sort of a part one, you know? If I have a pet and I also have a pet that I love or the fact that I- What do you reckon is more traumatic for an 11-year-old? A pet dying. What are you talking about?

Watching your favourite thing in the world rot from the inside out is way worse than shitting on me from there. I don't know, that might fuck me up. Then being inside your lizard while it dies? Well, it's not my lizard, it's the class's lizard. Well, the students sort of treat it like their lizard. It is beloved by the class. Also, shitting is part of something that students would learn.

Yeah. Well, not that way. No, no. I still think the lizard would be worse. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Hey, it's Adam here. For those of you who don't know, I'm the resident dungeon master at Sands Pants Radio and the host of the show D&D is for Nerds. If you enjoy the sounds of a dungeon master

slowly losing his mind with frustration and players who have trouble solving puzzles designed to stump even the most clever first graders, then why not give D&D is for Nerds a listen? Just head on down to SandspantsRadio.com for the extensive

list of seasons and sideshows that are available. You can even pick a random season and start from there. Most stories are self-contained, so you can tell how shit we are at a glance. After all, it's free, and you'll get the Sans Pants Radio money-back guarantee. This does not constitute a guarantee. Adam's views are not the views of Sans Pants Radio. Adam is not employed or associated with SansPantsRadio. All right.

Hey. I think a lot of the Magic School Bus's excursions, they get very small and go into things. That's true. Yes, they do. I want to explore big. I want to get maximum big. Okay.

I want to see how ginormous the magic school bus can get, and then I want to hang out in the big realm. What is maximum big? Well, that's what I'm not sure about. What is the big realm? Well, we're going to find out. It's like the book realm or shit realm. No one claims you're going to the shit realm, Jackson.

But I think it's good because you obviously slowly get bigger and bigger. I think it'll probably take a few days to get to maximum big. A few days? We are getting big, dude. Where are we putting the kids? Doesn't matter. Aren't they in the bus? They're in the bus and the bus is getting big. Is the kids getting big? Everyone's getting big. We're all getting big, baby.

It's big time. That's the one thing I'm following. They're getting maximum big. It's big time. That's the one thing I'm following. They're getting maximum big. Where are we putting the bus? It doesn't matter because at a certain point we know where to put the bus. No, no, no. It really doesn't matter because in a relatively short amount of time

we will crush the Earth. We are getting big. You kind of like shift the Earth out of orbit because you're pushing it down. I suppose so. Yeah, and then destroying the solar system. Actually, does the magic school bus retain a bus's weight? It doesn't matter because gravity is going to stop at some point for you.

Well, no, but you're going to get so big that gravity makes you a sphere. You'll be in the magic school sphere, baby. This is one of those moments where it's like, I'm about to say science that I actually don't know anything about. Oh, I'm excited. Yeah. You'll be in the magic school sphere, baby! This is one of those moments where I'm about to say science that I actually don't know anything about. But I think you only get stuff pulled towards you if you have a lot of mass, right? And if the magic school bus still weighs the same amount as a regular bus- No, because if your school bus-

If it retained weight, it would kill the kids it went in. What? When the magic school bus got little. No, but bus got little. No, but they got little as well. If it has the same weight, then you've increased the density of the mass. It'd be like swallowing a bit of black matter or anti-matter or something. You're basically tearing up.

Arnold would fucking die. He would fall out of the lizard very quickly. Okay, fine. But also, if we got that big and we retained the density of a bus it would be so thin that's what I'm saying

that's what I'm saying I want to be light the kid would be spaghettified well fine we'll get a new density whatever we'll become heavier

we'll push the earth I assume into the sun yeah or maybe away from the sun we have a new earth it's called the magic bus yeah we live on earth. It's called the magic bus. We live on boss earth.

It's a population of seven. Me and six kids. Where's the rest of the kids? How many were there usually? A lot of them didn't want to come and get rebigged. But you are also the size of the... You are also like a celestial body at this point.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're dead. Why am I dead because i'm just big you're so big that you have become a sphere no that's not what that that you were basically the satellites for wrong wrong wrong no no wrong i will become the magic school bus. We'll get. You're so big. Maximum big. No, I don't think you understand maximum big. I'm saying the sun will be like a speck of dust to us. Will you be able to pick it up?

Well, apparently not. We will become these giant omnipresent beings that's sort of are beyond time and space itself. You're so sphere-ed. No! You have sphere-ed yourself. Okay, fine. We're a sphere then. Who cares?

We're big spheres. We're in a spherical bus with spherical kids who are the biggest in the galaxy. In the whole known universe. Maximum big surely is so big that the bus fills the entire known universe, right? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And then we get to the unknown universe. That's where we do our science and that's where we do our learning.

Do you reckon you'll meet someone else that's maximum big? I think we might. I think there's a good chance that, you know that bit at the end of Men in Black 2 where we're just in a marble? I will become the people that play marbles. Then you'll get out of the marble. I will play marbles with those aliens. Hey, guys, it's sick that we're maximum big.

But that isn't maximum big, because then those are, it's fractal, baby. Oh, that's just the start. That's the tip of the iceberg. We are getting extra big. That's day one. You said it was max big. No, he's not max big. That's the trip.

There is no maximum big. We can just keep getting bigger and bigger. You've reached the end of the known universe. You're bordering on other universes, baby. You've got to become a multibus. A multibus of Ralph. We'll fracture out into different dimensions. Be a bus in 5 or 6D.

That's true maximum big, baby. That is maximum big. What are the kids going to learn? What happens if you get maximum big? Because we don't know the answer. That's true. It'll be the best episode. The moment the kids become spheres, you'll be like,

oh, write that down. We became spherical and we became 20,000 times bigger than the sun. Oh, that's interesting. I like that my blood is real thick. Well, if you're the known universe, then that means the universe is inside the bus, right? Well, no, because the universe is inside the bus, right? Well, no, because the bus is maintaining its shape, so you'd

just be pushing the universe. So you would actually have a crust of all the planets. Yeah, I guess we would become the centre of the universe, and all the galaxies would float around us. But they wouldn't float around, because if you're a maximum big, say the end of the universe is... No, but there's no end of the universe, it's infinite, so... We don't know that now, but we might. Well, we'll find out. We'll say the end of the universe is- No, but there is no end to the universe. It's infinite.

We don't know that now. Well, we'll find out. We'll find the end. When it's like you'll be spheres and you'll have met aliens that are playing marbles and you would have outgrown them. All of a sudden the bus will just be like, maximum big achieved. You'll be like, oh, cool. And then we shrink back down and the day's done. Home by 3.30.

You shrink back down and the day's done. Home by 3.30. You shrink back down, you've got this huge sphere around you of all of the universes and planets coalesced into a crust. Yeah, gravity has changed. You've definitely made an impact in those young children's lives. Everyone's lives, it seems. All living beings in the whole universe. It's just you, the bus, six children apparently in empty space. And two words.

Maximum big. That's big. That's a B- for me. As a lesson. Don't get too big. That's a lesson. Well, the lesson is whatever the lesson is. The lesson could also just be never get too big for your britches.

Yeah, that's true. Well, the real lesson is this is what it looks like when you get maximum. Now the lesson is there's no such thing as too big. You can aim for the stars. Keep on getting bigger. But then the kids are like, but with what? Because the only thing in the universe is the inside of this bus. Yeah.

We shrunk back down. It's fine. Okay. Yeah. Cool. This bus. We shrank back down. It's fine. Okay, yeah, cool. Wow. I feel like at some point you would have had, like, you know, planets and suns hitting the windscreen. Yeah.

You could also just wipe away, like, human shit. Yeah, exactly. Just get rid of them. It's a lot easier because we're so big that they're just nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice that at one point you would have been like, we are at this kind of big where if a regular bus went through us, it's kind of like if this bus went through a small baby or whatever.

I am not following. What are you talking about? Did that make sense to you? So yeah. No, I got that. You're so big now that if a bus went through you, it would be like a regular. No, if you went through a bus, yeah. I see.

I've become so big that a normal bus is the magic school bus yeah yeah well he said an exam it was saying that you got so big that if a regular bus went through you it would be like if a regular bus went through a baby no i misunderstood i also misunderstood like what's um what you said, Jackson. I assumed you meant your bus would be so big you could drive through a regular bus in the same way

that a regular bus can drive through a baby. And I was like, yeah, that's a crazy thing to say, but I guess. You're not wrong. Okay, well, yeah, I'm going to give that an F

because I don't... An F? What are you talking about? Because now... We're doing cutting edge science. Yeah, but I'm 11. I'm giving this an F because it's too advanced.

I was a sphere and now everything's dead. Because I was so dense. When you shrink back to a regular size, you don't shrink back to the world as it was. No, but we...

It'd be close. No. We are being kept alive through nothing but bus magic. No, we would shrink back to the field where we started. But that's gone. You crushed the earth. It was pushed gently away.

But it doesn't suck back with you. We'll figure the bus flies. You said it was flies. We'll fly back to the field. Rapidly expanding. We'll use GPS or something. We'll find. It doesn't work because those satellites are crushed.

No. Okay, I take one satellite and make it big as well so I can find my way home. I re-big a satellite too. No, then great, A+. You thought of everything. So, Jackson, originally when Hayden was getting an F, what were you giving your own expedition?

Oh, A+. Okay, just checking. I got that $5 back that I thought was a lettuce. Well, I just want to keep things simple. I'm just going to go into a DVD, see what's going on in a movie, get into a movie. Yeah, that's any movie in particular. Movie Realm!

Yeah, go to Movie Realm. You got one in mind? We are 11. Legend of Bagger Vance. Golf magic. So when you go into Movie Realm, are you on the set of the movie or is the movie real life? The movie's real life, obviously. Or are you just on a DVD and everything is silver?

Well, I think what's going to happen is I'm going to get small, go onto a DVD and be like, ah, we have to get smaller. Then be really small and be like, hmm, how do you get into the movie? I think because it's lasers, right? Doesn't the DVD reader reads with a laser? So you just got to jump up the laser and be read by the DVD. Up to the laser and into the movie. Finally see what the movie that is you is.

No, no, no, because the laser's reading the DVD. So while the laser's reading the DVD, Hayden's right. If I drive into the laser, I get read at the same time as the DVD, so I'm sucked into the movie. The kids can learn golf. No, no, no, all the information's still there, just underneath it. I get so small that I'm the same size as the information of the laser. He turns into ones and zeros.

I just love the idea of you in a tiny bus. You get small, you're on the DVD. You get smaller, you're like, drive into the laser. What, did you just die? Yeah. Just hit like a bathroom. I thought I was going to be in Shrek 3. I wanted to meet Will Smith when he was a magic golf man or something.

Damn it, it said I died. You're taking the kids to heaven. Gosh, I hope this is a normal field trip. All right, kids, today we're going in the legend of back of hands. A movie. The only movie that I found in the school library. Okay, kids, so there's, who's that cunt? That looks like Saint Peter.

He's guarding the pearly gates. But you know what we have, children? A bus. Drive through Heaven's Gates with a bus. Get big, Same size as God See if God respects us more If we're the same size as him We could have a big off

I'm stealing your bit Could you make the bus so big that God himself Couldn't lift the magic school bus I like that there's this universal understanding That part of what makes God so powerful is he's really big we know he's huge so he's in charge

it's why we respect people who are like 7 foot and with beards money at God's 8 foot 2 you're like that is big it's not giant I thought he'd be bigger but it's still pretty big and if I get big I feel like I'd be cheating do you think you'd have the only bus in heaven boss from speed

probably went to heaven that's true because the bus was innocent and all that you know it was a victim of circumstance yeah it just had a bomb strapped to it that sucks maybe that's what you get there and you're like well we can't go into the dvd but let's find the bus from speed see what's going on there it is kids and kids. Can a magic school bus talk to other buses? Yeah. It can talk to other magic buses. Would you consider the bus from speed magical? I would definitely say it's full of movie magic.

Yeah, that's true. It's also magic enough to make a bus tour. In heaven, yes. It's really cool that you killed these kids so they could see another bus. They're like, so we're in a bus. Oh, shit. Oh, true.

You could just get out and look at this one. By now you can see two buses. That's pretty cool. Two buses at once? Oh, my God. I'd die for that opportunity. I mean, I did die for that opportunity. Sorry we couldn't get into the Legend of Bag of Vance, kids.

Can we go home now? No. We'll see. I don't think so. Maybe we can drive to hell. A plus because heaven's good. It is. In fact, I almost said heaven on earth.

That's not what I meant. It's paradise. Paradise. It's Arcadia. Eternal paradise, bliss, happiness. Yeah, so I would give yours an A+, because that's good, because I can get out the bus and be like, well, this isn't what I wanted out of this Friday of life.

I thought I'd grow up and have my own goals. I thought I'd meet somebody. Yeah, I was thinking maybe I'd start a family. You can't in heaven. I don't think you can start a family in heaven, can you? Can you give birth to an angel? What do you mean? Yeah, and what if I age? I don't want to be an old man in heaven.

I also don't want to be an 11-year-old forever. That also sucks. But then you can- I should not have been 30 when I died. Like me. What if you have a- Okay, so you're in heaven, you're 11. And then-

I watched that rhyme. Gross over your face. Heaven, 11, rhyme. Whoa. I really did a number on your brain. And then you have a kid. Yeah. Does the kid become older than you eventually?

Well... Does the kid stay a baby forever? Do people born in heaven age at heaven rate or earth rate? If I'm from heaven and I get an earth human pregnant... You're heaven local. Like a demigod or something. Age at heaven rate or earth rate? If I'm from heaven and I get an earth human pregnant. Like a demigod or something. What's that baby look like? Jesus.

Or Hercules. That is how you make a Christ. A plus field trip, Mr. D. Do we create new Jesus? That, children, is how you make new Christ. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel.

I've been Hayden. Do you have anything to plug, Hayden? Not really. He's cool. You've appeared on a lot of shows recently. Anything to plug? No. I started Twitch streaming.

You can follow me on Twitch. My handle is Hayden, Hayden, Hayden, Hayden, H. Hayden spelled H-A-Y-D-E-N. The H is literally just the letter H. Just the letter H at the end. Four Haydens followed by the letter H. The letter H, yeah. You've had to say that out loud a couple of times now.

How are you feeling about the handle? Not good. But I feel like it's too late for a rebrand. Yeah, yeah. Especially now that I've said it on podcasts. That's fine. Also, I have a podcast called The Weekly Munis. It's a terrible podcast.

You're going to listen to that. Hell yeah. Also, I have a podcast called The Weekly Munis. It's a terrible podcast. You're going to listen to that. Hell yeah. What episodes should people start with? Not the first one. Probably not the most recent one either. Somewhere in the late middle. The late middle.

That's what I would recommend. How many episodes have you done? Well, we do them every week and we've been doing it for four years. So we're up to episode 72, I think. So people start with episode 50 yeah hey dickhead are you thirsty for more sans pants let us shoot our long hot ropes of content right into your gaping ear holes. Head to Sandspantsradio.com to check out all 26 of our public podcasts and become a member of Sandspants Plus to check out 20 more bonus shows

and bonus feeds. That's Sandspantsradio.com.