Plumbing the Death Star - The Concerns of Fictional HR Departments (Feat. Ray Lawrence)

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

In which our heroes use proper conflict resolution techniques, try to adhere to strict workplace guidelines and policies but end up submitting a written complaint anyway as they wonder what the real problems fictional HR departments have to deal with. We look at the requirements for being Batman’s butler, wonder what the orcs actually wanted in Lord of the Rings, and ask if Rocky I-VI is racist. Zammit wants to know what a marriage counsellor equivalent for Superhero teams is, Duscher tries to figure out how the world can get behind the Avengers when they're always infighting, and Ray just wants to know if James Bond could get away with it all if he was an insurance salesman. So call a press conference, put a positive spin on all your problems and awkwardly make a forced apology without getting everyone fired and/or imprisoned.Want to help hire a HR guy for Sanspants? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make sure we don’t turn on each other.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twelve books about conflict resolution techniques when you are also a Batman. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Oh God, I think I'm falling. Today's episode is sponsored by Frey Seagrove, Stefan Heidly, James Horton, Ada Gunes? Gunes? I hope it's Gunes. Shannon... Shayon Sinha? Shayon... Sinha...

Shayon Sinha! And Charlie Goldberg. Thanks guys. You lot are a bunch of champs Thank you, Gunes You're great, the rest of you are good too Enjoy the show Hey guys and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like

What are the real problems for fictional HR departments? Like James Bond, the moment he does any mission, I can just see them filing so many complaints to MI6. Six? MI6. MI6 HR department. Even someone who was overseeing Bond's mission to be like, here was a target. We wanted to get information,

he banged her instead. I guess he got the intel in the end, but I just feel like we've stepped over a line here. You can't just jump in the shower with people either, James. Yeah. And there's a lot of problems. Even because the targets that Jamesames is sleeping with i like that we're not going to call him bond for the oppressive just james the targets of james is

sleeping with they work for the enemy or whatever usually all the civilians i guess so they wouldn't have a hr department to go for for james but like for instance in like the end of bond films where he's just banging a lady and m.i.c could call him and he just answers the phone or like yeah it's like uh uh james uh yes can we we've got the queen on the line to congratulate you for saving the a lady and M.I.C. could call him and he just answers the phone? Yeah, it's like James, yes we've got the queen on the line to congratulate you for saving the world. James and yes, it's a video link and oh you're just going to be banging

what was her name? Christmas. Christmas Jones was it? Yes. Her. You just, okay. Did you maybe want to cover the camera? Maybe stop? No, you're just going to keep going. I love how he gets away with it as well. Imagine if he had any other jobs. Imagine if he worked for an insurance company

and Allianz were sending him to people's houses to talk about their home and car insurance. He can't just bang everyone they send him to. Step into the shower. I feel uncomfortable. Step into the shower. No, James, why? James Bond seems like an obvious example for poor HR,

and really all spies, I guess, because for some reason being a spy now is just banging your target. Yeah, and killing a lot. But he doesn't have a license to kill. Which he gets by murdering two people, which is confusing, because if you kill two people, then you get your license to kill? Is he just wanted for double homicide?

Maybe. Also, how does a license to kill work? It's a very confusing thing. I mean, is there demerit points? That's the question I want to know. Just like drunk killing? It's like, hmm, that's a point on your license. You've still got 12 more.

Yeah. Or it's like, you can either take the points or pay a fine. Rocky, the HR department there. So Rocky's publicist, I would say. Yeah, because it takes him four movies to finally fight a white person, and even then it's a communist Russian.

So you're saying Rocky's like racist? I think so. I think he would have brought him into the office and said, Rocky, listen, sit down. People are starting to notice, mate. So I don't know what you mean. I just want to fight some black guys. That's the problem, Rocky. notice, mate. So I don't know what you mean. I just want to fight some black guys. That's the problem, Rocco. Rocky, mate.

No, no, Rocky, you're not fighting an Asian. Well, I guess I can fight a right Rusky guy. They're just like half American. I guess like any other girl is like... Sorry, what? Is this supposed toly Rusky? I guess we're fighting Ruskies now. Wait, doesn't...

Doesn't Ivan Drago... Yeah, Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed as well, doesn't he? So he almost goes like two anti-wrong. He's like, I'm only going to fight a white guy if he's killed a black guy, I guess. I don't know. See, my Rocky game is very weak. That's how he's earned my trust.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now... He has my yeah now he has my respect now we can find the rig now this is what happens when you murder a black man we're equal

yeah that's not great Rocky yeah I'm pretty sure Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed because there's a if he dies he dies

and that was a Russian accent for anyone playing at home okay thank you for informing me uh even like something like even as like the hr departments in superheroes like

think about the avengers how much hr or even just you know pr that they have to go through because again i mean we touched upon cat america having 1940s values uh now in the sort of 2010s. How many times can a hero say the N word before he stops being a hero, I guess? But he wouldn't be saying it in malicious intent, though. I think because, again, Steve Rogers is a very liberal person, like

he's a very progressive, but he'd be like oh wow, you've got a negro running this ship. Everyone would be like It'd be the same situation when you're at a picnic or a barbecue and your 60-year-old uncle says something and everyone's like, whoa, no, you've got a negro running this ship. Everyone would be like, mmm. It'd be the same situation when you're at a picnic or a barbecue and your 60-year-old uncle says something and everyone's like, whoa, no, you can't say that. Or you're in a Lebanese kebab shop and you're getting some delicious food with your parents

and your mum's talking about the muzzies. You're like, oh, don't say that. No, no, no. Oh, no. Stop it. Stop it. That's a little slice into my life. Just quickly, we'll come back in just two seconds.

I just want to go back to Rocky for a second. I mean, there was already a ridiculous amount of Rocky movies, but imagine if he was just able to make so many of them, right? So it was like 20. Who else would be in there? Do you reckon it would get to the point where we'd start judging Sylvester Stallone because like Rocky 7, there'd be a gay guy.

Rocky 8, Bruce Jenner Rocky 9 just random asylum seekers just fighting anyone I think there'd be a whole like at least a trilogy of like North Koreans

because everyone'd be like no no it's okay yeah okay you can fight them it's fine but then there'd be like Japanese and we're like

mmm but he travels back in time so it makes it alright yeah yeah yeah Rocky 11 will mmm. But he travels back in time so it makes it all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rocky 11 will be great. Yeah, he travels back in time and it's like, let's fight those Japs! But they still try to be all inspirational. You're just too old now, Rocky.

Mmm. Wait, when Rocky comes back, he fights another black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four out of six. And in number five, he doesn't fight anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four out of six. Four out of six. And in number five, he doesn't fight anyone. He's just training someone. He fights a young kid who he, like, mentored. So you'll notice that Rocky, the demographic is geared towards, like,

50 to 60-year-old white male fascists, if you think about it. Fighting blacks, communists, and Gen Y. Yeah, no, no, that adds up. It's solid. At least they know their target audience. Yeah, exactly. And even opening up to Star Wars, could you imagine being a HR department in the Death Star?

And this is Lord Vader comes in, and he's like, so Vader, we've got a complaint. This is the third time that you've strangled a guy and look, I just think in terms of conflict resolution, this isn't the best. Choke? I don't know. What's a Darth Vader voice?

He'll just say, we'll see about that and then then then HR department is now choked so I guess maybe they don't have a HR department in the Death Star

now that I think about it well also like especially if HR was on the Death Star they definitely don't have one anymore maybe the maybe the HR department

was like you know off the Death Star that would be even worse because they'd have to like deal with all the because the because if HR department wasn't on the Death Star but was like you know off the death that would be even worse because i have to like deal with all the because if hr department wasn't on the death star but was like well similar to how like with companies hr departments they usually have them somewhere else death star blows up was hr have to deal with all the grieving families that's like darth has to write them a letter yeah yeah

signed by the signed by the emperor. Thinking of you. Thinking of you. Some fucking podunk town in Tatooine. Some sun-worn face mother and wife just waiting by the door as two stormtroopers pull up with a letter and the imperial flag handed to her. And as soon as she sees them she just starts crying yeah she knows what's happening exactly two young kids sorry karen that's awful yeah rebels are the

real bad guys see the rebels they won't have a HR department because they're just terrorists like whatever exactly that's so weird looking at star wars like that. Because Rebels are terrorists. They are. They certainly are. Even getting back to Marvel, for example. Yeah. Because it's a little bit, it's a combination of like HR but also a combination of PR as well. Like, you've got the Avengers and they're their big team, but then

they destroy a city. Yeah, sure. They kind of save the world. But then you've got Hulk hulking out and just destroying a small town. They also publicly fight each other. And they also publicly fight each other. And sometimes they fight each other in the woods. Yeah.

But yeah, I wouldn't put my faith in a team that was fighting each other. Yeah, if you had, say, the Australian forces, right, and then we had all this footage of them just punching each other in the face when they had a bit of a squabble. And they're defending our country. I don't know how I feel about this. I wouldn't follow a sports team if I knew that the captain and vice captain just kept going out and just punching each other in the face.

No, I would follow a sports team because that would be entertaining. It depends what sport it was, too, I guess. It's something like cricket, where it's like the gentleman's game. They're just going out and... It's like lawn balls. It's like having at it. Oh, that's sick, man. like the gentleman's game. They're just going out and... It's like lawn balls. It's like having at it. Oh, that's sick, man. Like the gentleman's game of cricket.

And then it's got cricket bats that's just whaling away at each other. My favorite cricketing memory is definitely that when Australia went to England to play for the Ashes, which we never talk about sports in this podcast, but hey, here we are. Yeah, Australia went to England, played for the Ashes. Out-opening batsman, punched one of the English players at a pub. Great. That's what being Australian is all about. Yeah, that's what it's all about.

It's a gentleman's game. My favourite cricket memory is changing the channel to anything else. Ah. Funny. Fair enough. Fair enough. Even something like, say, Lord of the Rings, like Sauron's HRr department i mean because you

know they've got a cell you know sauron's got to pretty much sell what he's doing to his orc armies which is a pretty easy sell to be like hey man they're that land i mean we live in a piece of shit we've got like a volcano we live on an active volcano what is okay i have not seen lord of the rings since they were released to cinema, because I do not like them. Fair enough. Hey, look, you don't like cricket, I don't like Lord of the Rings. They're both very boring. And go for way too long, so I think that's

fair enough, yeah. Well taken. What is the- because Sauron wants the ring, but then he wants the ring because it's going to make him more powerful, but he already is pretty powerful. Yeah. So, like, if he gets the ring, he's just going to take over Middle-earth entirely already is powerful. So, like, if he gets the ring, he's just going to take over Middle-earth entirely? Yeah, it kind of, like, clinches the deal.

So, what do the orcs, like, what do they want? I guess land, not to live on a volcano, because can you imagine being an orc? You're born to these people, and you're, like, well, ripped out of a sack if you're a Kai. And you're like, this is my land. I'm basically birthed in fire and lava and just bullshit i want i want just a nice little place for my own yeah like so you think they want

to live in like the shire and stuff that's what they want is that what he's promised them probably probably not the shire doors are a little too small for the odds um maybe that elf place whatever it's called rivendell rivendell that's the one rivendell rivendell i'm only correcting you on that very small detail because i've heard about some of the angry emails you guys get. So just to be safe. Look, honestly, I'm kind of happy here because I can already read the email. Dear Dusha, Rivendell?

You're a cunt. We'll stop. Which, quite frankly, like the second argument in the second sentence, they're not wrong. I try my best emailer um because what is the point of a hr department generally a hr department generally deals with squabbles yeah i think i think the biggest issue with an hr department not issue the biggest thing it does is to make it look like that company is making an effort you don't even have to fix the

problems if you say yes we're sorry our hr department's onto it that's enough do you know what i mean which hr department does the same thing because you think about the avengers like yeah yes they're fighting in the team there's like they're fighting in the streets they're squabbling they're destroying stuff but what they're really doing is they're doing a bit of research to try and do it's all military games what they're playing uh uh they're playing silly buggers to try and test out some tactics. So everything is fine. Don't worry about it.

Our team doesn't hate each other. It's all good. I think as well on the Avengers, the Hulk, the biggest issue there, is the destruction of private property. I think that's what he would get called into. And scaring the kids, I suspect. Iron Man's cool. The kids like him.

He's a robot. In fact, yeah, Hulk would be terrifying for suspect. Iron Man's cool. The kids like him. Yeah, he's a robot. Yeah. You know, in fact, yeah, Hulk would be terrifying for children. He'd be spooking children constantly. They get sued so much because no one would have Hulk insurance. Do you know what I mean? So, like, he destroys your house or your apartment or whatever. I'm pretty sure the first thing, if I was, like, calling up Allianz

and being like, hi, who's this? Mr. Bond, thank you. Hey, I'd like to purchase some Hulk insurance. He'd be like, sweet, let me come over and watch you shower. And I'd be like, okay, I guess that's fine. But I think Hulk insurance, you'd have to have it. As soon as there is a Hulk, you are getting Hulk insurance. You'd be dumb.

Dumb not to get Hulk insurance. You're like, do you want like tornado insurance? He's like, to get Hulk insurance You're like Do you want like Tornado insurance No Hulk insurance 100% I reckon as well You'd have Insurance companies

Trying to rip people off Like spreading Hulk fear So that everyone Gets Hulk insurance Even though there's one Hulk Yeah Like the commercials Would be like

There's Hulks everywhere And they will tear through Your shit at any moment Imagine this It's Sunday morning You're sitting down With brunch with your family. You've made some poached eggs. You've got some hollandaise sauce made from scratch.

And then what happens? Hulk. Hulk is what happens. Hulk smash! It's like a lovely picturesque town. You have those shitty Foxtel commercials now. Well, Rob, how did you get the money to fix your house after the Hulk tore through it?

Well, luckily, I called APia Hulk Insurance and went, yeah. And also, they'd be trying to sell you bullshit insurance for superheroes you don't need protection from. It's like, you've heard about Hulk, but have you heard about Hawkeye? It's like... There are at least five arrow-related deaths per ten years. Don't be a statistic. Only four of them were bad guys. Only one of them was caused by Hawkeye.

Don't be a statistic. Get some Hawkeye insurance. I think HR, one thing, Batman and Alfred, which is, I think, the big one. That is the big one. Because Alfred is totally overqualified to be a butler. He is. He's like a surgeon.

That's already way too much. An ex-soldier I'm pretty sure. He did some kind of soldiering. He's also a former actor who can impersonate Master Wayne over the phone apparently using his actoring skills. Really? Yeah. That's an actual skill that

Alfred has. He's a super actor. Deal with it. All right. Moving on. Because yeah, he's clearly, Alfred is overqualified and basically

he does so much. He goes, you know, above and beyond for his son, basically, to help him out. But I don't think he gets paid for it

and I think that's where HR would get involved. Yeah, well, surely Batman would hire HR as well because he'd be like, I don't know if he would. I think he gets paid for it, and I think that's where HR would get involved. Yeah, well, surely Batman would hire HR as well, because he'd be like, I... I don't know if he would. I think he'd probably leave it to Alfred. So Alfred would hire...

That's pretty funny. Like, Master Bruce, we need someone for HR. What are you doing? I guess I can, Master Bruce. Alfred's just, like, standing in the bath for... Sits in there. Brushing his teeth. Just takes out the toothbrush,

just looking at his sad old face in the mirror. Excuse me, I have some problems. What's this you're talking about, Alfred? I just feel like I'm underappreciated. It's probably like frying an egg, just thinking, I saved the world yesterday. It's because of me, Master Brooks was able to punch Darkseid in the face also i find that he's

he's a much better person than i am because remember when bruce gets that letter from rachel and he hides it from him because he wants to spare his feelings yeah considering everything alfred does for him he's under underappreciated right i would be i'd give him the letter i wouldn't i wouldn't care about his feelings. I'd be like, fuck you. I made your breakfast this morning after saving your life. She's with him. Just like he frames it and just puts it above his head.

But Alfred, it takes him eight years, but he finally delivers that letter. Verbally. Because he burnt it. That's right. He remembered what it said for eight years, though. That's weird. That's holding onto a grudge.

He's probably giggling as well. He's going to be so mad. Fuck him for eight years, though. That's weird. That's holding onto a grudge. He's probably giggling as well. He's going to be so mad. Fuck him. Fuck him, mate. Also, breaking up with someone with a letter is weird. Yeah. It's like the equivalent of a text message, really. Nah, it's a solid choice.

It's good times. You've done that, have you? Yes. With a letter? No, text. Oh, shit. Like a kig. Oh, no.

Hey, we've all been there. But a letter? I'm pretty sure if I was in, like, 1990s before text messaging,. Like a king. Oh, no, hey, we've all been there. But a letter? I'm pretty sure if I was in, like, 1990s before text messaging, yeah, a letter. Do you reckon in, like, the medieval times they did it with pigeons? Yeah. Horses. Horses. Nah, they sent a bard. But you do it.

I love that. Okay, here's Squire. Come. You're getting fat. It's over. From Charles. No, no, no, because I liked that. It's like, you're getting too thin. You're getting fat, it's over. From Charles. No, no, because I liked that. It's like you're getting too thin. You're clearly malnourished. You're not wealthy enough.

Put on some weight. I like that you're miming playing a harp. No one can see this. You're too skinny. Malnourished. Have you tried syphilis? All the rage. Sorry, can I just ask you about the text message thing yeah no let's do this have we spoken about this no have you guys spoken about this i should say

all right there's a damaged relationship 101 i was a couple years back my side podcast all about savage right no it was just like one of those things where i it was clearly like over and it was probably my bad because i think it was a relationship of about three years or something. It was like, this is done. I'm over this. What's the maximum amount of time that you can send a text? You know what I mean? What's the minimum?

Sorry, I should say. I'd say three years is way too long. I'd say probably anything over maybe two months. She probably deserves at least a phone call. Yeah. Obviously, a couple of days, that's fine. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like a couple of days could be like,

that's not even a thing. You don't even need to tell her anything. Just stop replying. You're done. Or him, by the way. So, yeah, so the text was like, basically, like, it wasn't like, I'm breaking up with you. It was very much like a conversation in text

of basically where I was heading. Right. And it was like, you know, can we come and see each other kind of stuff right that night so then it kind of it started in a text and i had to drive to her place she didn't break up with her by text at all it was it was it was basically half by text i kind of yeah similar for me actually it just happens that way yeah and then he's like well now we have to have a conversation frustrating and i'm like i'm sorry i just don't love you anymore. We can come back from this.

Can we? Did you just hear what I said? I don't know if we can. It's in writing. It's in writing. Yeah, it's like, how do you even fathom that, to come back from someone saying this? It's like, okay.

So that was a fun night for this boy. Right. Good. I guess it's similar to Rachel's letter. Very similar to Rachel's letter. I wish I had an Alfred to be just like Alfred. Well, hang on. She would have needed the Alfred.

Oh, yes, true. She would have needed the Alfred. Hack into her phone and delete the messages. That would mean, haven't heard from Zaman in eight years. What's up with that? Well, because, oh, I guess in that situation, they're like, actually, that's a good point. If Rachel hadn't have, oh, no, because Rachel had already died when he had the letter. Now that you've reminded me of that, yeah. So maybe Alfred doesn't have the moral high ground I thought he did.

Because not only is Bruce still mourning her ultimate demise, he's then going, by the way, she didn't like you anyway. Yeah, fuck you too. It would be funny if he tried to cheer her up with that. Don't worry, she was breaking up with you. Let's just be happy she was dead. We could have had a life together. No, you couldn't have.

Honestly, if I was Alfred, that's my move. Because I am the worst at trying to cheer anyone up when anything bad has happened. It's okay, Master Wade. She hated your guts. She was leaving you anyway, see? You don't need that bitch. I'm glad she's dead. Why are you crying? And then he'd punch me in the face

but then again it's like you also got the ultimate revenge because you killed the man she left you for so that's good so how good are you now Master Bruce so good the ultimate act of you can retire being Batman

high five you've got the justice high five stop crying and high five come on Master Bruce maybe Batman needs HR after that. Master Wayne, step off the ledge. You can't fly.

We've been over this. So then we'd run Bruce. We'd go to Alfred. I just feel like Alfred is bullying me. He keeps bringing up my dad. I guess ex-girlfriend. It's not his ex. Shut up, girlfriend.

Well, it's very good, Bruce, but I feel that I've got some information that she wasn't even your girlfriend. So why are you upset? I should never have hired you to be our HR man. Like gets up to beat the shit out of him. The HR guy's like, use your words. Use your words. Conflict resolution. Conflict resolution. Conflict resolution.

But if anyone needs conflict resolution, you're right, it is the Avengers before, because they all are just infighting each other. Yeah, because I guess we've sort of expanded what HR is in real life, sort of. But I think all superhero teams need almost like a a HR department PR department counselling maybe a publicist publicist basically like the equivalent

of marriage counselling but like for a team what is that HR would probably be able to do that you reckon I feel like you'd have to get someone

a bit more you'd have one of those third party people coming in where they just play like team building games yeah team building exercises like trust exercises

yeah you know Thor like oh the Hulk Banner gets up on a table and they all need to catch him but he kind of gets a bit scared so Hulk's out mid fall

squishes Thor Hawkeye dies Hawkeye dead crushed by a Hulk Hulk no trust smashing shit Black Widow being like you know then you got like you know, then you've got

like, you know, S.H.I.E.L.D. Like fucking two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents coming down to Hawkeye's family holding American flag in a letter signed by Captain America. And he's like, do I get a pass? Like, did you have Hulk insurance? No. So, you know, have a shit one. So I think team building

exercises for the Avengers would be very very good yes someone who's just lost their husband and you're like did you have insurance they're like no you're like well

have a shit one or you could just say I did have insurance but Alfred burned that letter yeah it's like did you have I'm sorry who are you hi

Bond James Bond can I see you have a shower my husband just died did you have... I'm sorry, who are you? Hi, Bond, James Bond. Can I see you have a shower? My husband just died. Would you have Hulk insurance? Finger on the lips and... The problem with just James Bond as well, if you look at, I think, any product,

the biggest compliment you could have is would James Bond have this product? So, for example, like Aston Martin. So, it's always the cool things, right? Now, Heineken, that's probably awesome for them. Certain watches and so on. With behaviour, I think the coolest guy ever is James Bond. We know that.

That's the most suave individual ever. He's a very cool individual. Right. But we couldn't get away with some of the stuff he gets away with. Back to the shower thing. Yes. What would happen if I did that? By we, you mean you guys, right?

I'm fairly confident. I'm sharing with heaps of strangers, mate. Whatever it is, it's fine. Just knock on the door, offer

them insurance, watch them shower, but in a non-creepy way. Join them. Exactly. Yeah, I don't know, I think,

because what's the build up to that scene? I'd find that easier. I would find killing another human being easier than pulling off jumping in the shower

with someone I've only met once. Actually, I'm going to agree with you because I'd be socially awkward. Like, what do I do? You know, you're in the shower. She'd be like, what are you doing here? It's like, I just thought I was being sexy. This isn't a sexy time.

And I'd be going from you know midnight to you know six o'clock like that yeah exactly no you don't you don't want to get into the shower when you walk in that's even maybe that's why she turned around someone's poking but but also because you don't see what he says so he just steps in she turns around we assume all is well okay maybe it was an erection. But she turned around, slapped into her thigh, and she's like, damn. That'll cheer me up. And the problem is she couldn't use the suave line.

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Because it's just his dick right there. Yeah. There's no innuendo. I'm not wearing any pockets. No, that's my You can clearly see This is my penis Are you happy to see me No because that's an erection

Are you No I Yeah I guess I guess happy's One way of saying So I don't know Because what happens Before that scene

Like what He just meets her once Does he save her life Does he kill somebody No Oh does he save her life Oh man I don't know Because he

I haven't seen This boat is going away And he just rocks up on the boat. And then she's having a shout. I feel like, no, they have a conversation at a party. They're at a party. They have a conversation at a party. I think she sort of insinuates that she's interested. She insinuates she's interested,

but also insinuates that she's with a dangerous man. That's right. Yeah, she's dating the other dude. Yeah. I don't know if I could be like, she's dating a dangerous man. That's right, yeah. She's dating the other dude. Yeah. I don't know if I could be like, oh, she's dating a dangerous man, but she kind of floating. My next move is I'm going to, like,

surprise her by stalking her back to her resort room and wait till she has a shower and then step in there, stick in hand, and be like, waggle it, and then be like, aye? Aye?

That's what we didn't... Yeah, in that scene... We cut away, yeah. But you missed Daniel Craig being like, eh? Eh? That's what we didn't... In that scene... We cut away, yeah. But you missed Daniel Craig being like, eh? Waggling. That's my point. What did he say? I think if that was me, I'd just be like, hello. Almost like Frank Walker.

Hello. Frank Walker with a chicken in his hand. You've got some lovely tiles in this shower. I've got my dick in my hand. You've got my dick in my hand. Yeah, I don't know if I could pull that move off in any way, shape or form. I love him also talking about this idea

with everyone else from MI6 beforehand. So I'm going to surprise her. What are you going to mine, James? Flowers? No. Lame. I've invented a gadget that makes everything just look beautiful and amazing and just like pheromones is great.

So what's your move? Just surprise her in a shower, huh? It's like they're trying to discover what the next step is to like get rid of the bad guy. And he just keeps asking questions about the location of her boat. Like, James, you just get over the boat what are you doing with the boat

the whole thing isn't even the boat it's the island that they go to after that anyway he doesn't even need to be on the boat actually because

he gets into the shower with her that's why she dies the boss dude realises that she's like it's like a test to James he shoots

does he shoot her or does James shoot her someone shoots her he shoots her he shoots her but yeah and then she's like what do you think about Yeah. He shoots. Does he shoot her or does James shoot her? Someone shoots her. No, he shoots her. He shoots her, but yeah. And then she's like, what do you think about that? He's like, it's a waste of good scotch because she had scotch in her head. Yeah, that's right.

Javier Bardem. Yeah. What a champ. Great actor. Yeah. I'm glad he won an award. Not for Skyfall, though. He should have.

What did he win an award for? No Country for Old Men. Oh, yeah. That was awesome. It was a great film. That was great. Good gun. He's also in Love in the Time time of cholera never saw that what go on you don't know that

oh it's like a colombian romance um all right i regret bringing this up now is this the one where he's like a a polyamorous person or is that someone look i don't know too much i don't believe to know it's more he he these two people fall in love or he's loved this woman and then they can never be together and then they just go through life going their own separate ways and then eventually her husband dies and i think he then makes the move as a well a pensioner to say the very least so they get together as old people and it's just meant to be a rather sweet story but if that story took place over like three days or like 30 years that would be a Bond film. And he wouldn't wait

for the husband to die. No, he'd probably kill the husband. Or just bang her in the shower while he was asleep or something. Yeah, but imagine like a 70-year-old guy rocking up in a shower. Surprising her. She'd have a heart attack. She'd have a steam mite. Smooth out the wrinkles. He'd be like dragging on the floor.

Great. That's the Bond that I want to see. With Roger Moore, you pretty much got that. That's true. I wanted a close-up of that ball just dangling. So I think, yeah, team-building exercises for any superheroes or places with teams. I think Alfred and Batman, Bruce, also need some trust exercises. I think they need trust exercises.

They definitely need a third party to be HR. Definitely. They need like, you know, Robin to sit in and just sort of mediate. Oh, what was their female butler? What? There was like a female. Alfred? Oh, fuck.

Like Harriet. Really? Was there? Yeah, maybe. When did that happen? Like, this was in like really early on in the batman series where everyone was like you know it's got batman and these young like ward oh and everyone got stressed that it was gay gay um question mark it's like no they just he's he's

ward and they're sleeping in the same bed it's fine don't think anything of it it's perfectly normal so they introduced a character called har, I believe. I could be completely wrong, but yeah. I could check this up. But I'm not gonna. So Harriet is a butler, obviously. Harriet Jones, maybe? I don't know. I feel like I'm just calling... I'm so grateful now I don't have to check your emails.

I'm just calling back to Christmas Jones, so anyone who I don't know of a last name, I'm gonna go with Jones. So Harriet Jones, or Agatha Christie. No, that's not right. So, yeah. So I guess, yeah. So she'd be a really good mediator to be like, all right, so what's going on here?

But then she'd also be a butler, so she'd probably also have problems. I think you just need someone new that isn't employed by the Bat family. But then they're going to find out that they know who he's Batman. Fucking bring Commissioner Gordon in. He knows. Commissioner Gordon would be in the right. No, does he? No who he's Batman. Fucking bring Commissioner Gordon in. He knows. Commissioner Gordon would be in the right. No, does he? No.

Sometimes he does. I gave you a blanket. What do you reckon Batman's new test is for his new butler? Okay. Trusted questionnaire. If there's something addressed to me, will you burn it? No, you hide. It's like, all right.

Well, there's like two questions. It's that. Like, no. It's like, good. Good. like two questions it's that like no it's like good good tick can you solve bullet wounds I'm a trained butler hit the road

that's a trade off with Alfred isn't it yeah burns all your letters burns all your letters but he can you know dress a wound

very well and superb acting skills or it's just like will you burn it's like can you fix bullet wounds he's like no he's like well you can

just watch a lot of MASH, I guess. Otherwise, as long as you won't burn my letters. But then, like, even that letter, I just don't understand. Bruce wouldn't have been that much sadder. Oh, he would have been. I think he'd gone from, like, maybe an 8 to a 10. Like, that would have

just pushed him over. I would have gone from a 6 to a 7. Wait, hang on. Why would that make it worse? Well, that's what I was saying. It would have made... You're saying a 6 to a seven. Wait, hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why would that make it worse? Well, that's what I was saying. It would have made... You're saying a six to a seven. You're saying it would have made him more upset. I was joking.

I would say it would have made him more upset. I don't think it would. To be like, my girlfriend, she chose me and now... Because... Okay, if he got the letter and hadn't vocalized that, then it would have been like, all fine.

But the fact is, he kind of vocalized that Rachel chose me, but then he's like well actually master bruce she did it so it would have just been more like i'd be embarrassed that's another social because then it'd be like alfred you fucked me you fucked me alfred you didn't have to say anything but you fucked me and now i've got to deal with this so like backtracking and also my adjustment on my own head to be like ah i guess i'm not the greatest. You know what the benefit is though? Like it's awkward running into an ex.

At least he'll never have that problem. That's very true. That's very true. In fact, like, and also Two-Face is dead. So he can just forget about that whole thing. He can tell people that story any way he likes. Yeah. She was just too clingy.

Yeah. Too clingy and now they're both dead. Had nothing to do with me. Not at all. Not at me. Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Anyway. Anyway, how you doing?

I'm Bruce Wayne. Multi-billionaire. I'm not Batman. No, he would have been sad she died, but I don't think the letter would have upset you. It would have. It would have. Yeah. Just because he'd build it up in his own head.

Yeah, it would totally upset you, but. He had this whole idea of what it was, and then to hit that reality of, like, it's not what you think it is. He would have started questioning a lot more of the things that happened in his life. It would be indicative of... Because Batman is... Bruce Wayne is very, you know,

convicted to be like, this is what happened, this is who I am. But hang on, it would have been worse. It's worse for him to believe that she actually wanted to be with him. So for him to find out that she didn't, it's kind of like, well... That's true.

You know. It could go either way, really. I mean, I'm not happy she's dead, but... But am I happy she's dead? Maybe. Well, I'd be a little concerned about that now, though, because, like, his parents get killed, he declares war on crime, he gets dumped, he declares war on girlfriends?

No, he just declares war on crime he gets dumped he declares war on girlfriends no he just declares war on going outside he deals with his problems wrong he's got oh but he needs hr actually no he needs a counselor he needs someone he needs a therapist he can have a bit of a long hard chat too that won't turn out to be a bat villain. Because I feel the moment that Batman starts talking to a therapist... It's surprising it was Scarecrow the whole time. That therapist is going to get convinced by that demon bat living under Gotham to become a therapist-based criminal. So I think Batman needs to move out of Gotham, maybe. You're looking confused, Ray.

Just all on the same level. There's a demon bat that lives underneath Gotham in the comic books. Deal with it. Fair enough. Mind blown. Yeah. And that's the cause of a lot of Gotham's problems.

Maybe. Fair enough. Just run with it. It's comic books. I can't quite tell. Oh, we're not. No, we're not joking. Oh, you're not?

No. It's 100% seriousness. Comic books are really dumb. They are the dumbest, but the Oh, we're not. No, we're not joking. Wow, you're not? No. It's a 400% seriousness. Comic books are really dumb. They are the dumbest, but the best, but also dumb. So, yeah. In the Marvel Universe, there's a planet that has consciousness. Ego, the living planet. Yes.

Ego, the living planet. That's kind of a good thing, because what would our planet be saying? Oh, you guys are fucked. Get off. You know what I mean? But Ego's a bit of a cunt. Our planet needs a voice. Just saying.

Sorry? The planet's a bit of a cunt. Ego voice just saying sorry the planet's a bit of a cunt our planet would be a bit of a cunt he's got a grey goatee he's evil imagine a planet with a goatee what would a cunt planet be like just be like

you know what fuck you guys I'm not orbiting the sun he just like he just chuffs off into space and starts ramming other planets like you know you see elephants

and they just like ram other elephants and he's like why is he doing it Mr Mr. Simpsons? It's just a jerk, whatever. It's just like, the ego is just, like, ramming Jupiter, like, fuck you, Jupiter. You think you're big.

Idiot. Earth just, like, fucks off out of orbit, just chuffs off straight to the sun, just flies past close enough, just fries half of the Earth, and just, like, hurt me, but fuck you guys. So I feel HR. Earth might need a hr department then look uh i know we're all angry at times but you can't just like billions and billions of billions of people if they do live on your face yes

i think that's pretty much we've gone to planet earth as hrs i think that's pretty much, we've gone to planet Earth as HR, so I think that's covered everything. So I think most fictional places probably need some sort of HR department, if not a combination of HR, PR, trust, exercises, team building and counselling, unless, of course, you're in Gotham, then maybe stay away from anything. Move, I guess, is my response to anyone living in Gotham. Yeah. Buy a new house, invest. Or Peram. Yeah. Buy a new house. Invest.

Or Perth. Yeah. Or Perth. Never liked it. Never liked it. Just, yeah. Go east. Go east.

Travel east somewhere. Somewhere nice. Somewhere nicer. Next week, we'll be talking about shit cities. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. And I've been Ray. And where can we find you?

You can find me on Facebook, Middlebrow. Facebook.com forward slash Middlebrow Comedy. We make sketches. So like the page. They're okay. Good. They're pretty good. I've seen them.

You're on the show. That's good. You're here. Thanks for having me. No problem. You're also moving to America. Tomorrow. Yeah.

So any American listeners that recognize your voice, I guess... Yeah, come and see me do stand-up. We'll keep people updated on if you get any shows. If you get any shows. It's an open mic night. No, we don't want you here. We don't like your kind. What, Australian?

No, not funny people. It happens more than you'd think. Rude. It's a real problem. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.