Plumbing the Death Star - The Most Effective use of Time Travel

Episode Date: May 27, 2014

In which our heroes try to discuss time travel and end up just yelling at each other. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspans Radio, putting the win back in Winsest. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what is the most effective use of time travel? Back to the future. Fuck you. No. Bill and Ted.

I'm going to put forward a Futurama. No, back to the future. I'll tell you why back to the future is the best use of time travel. Okay. Because Marty McFly does literally nothing but make his life awesome. The whole time that he's anywhere, the end result is just a tits awesome life doesn't matter what he does right like his life was okay his dad was a dweeb and i think his mom hated everyone yeah but by the end of the film he's got the car he wants he's off to fuck his girlfriend that's true his parents are billionaires yeah his sister and brother

like whatever they didn't change much but who gives a fuck about them? And he has a legacy he's going to pass on. Exactly. He's gone into the future, seen how fucking, he's fixed everything. He's not only fixed his present problems, he's fixed his future problems. Yeah, because, like, dude, your arsehole kid's going to fuck shit up. We're going to stop that. And it's like, yeah.

Yeah, all right, I'm going to stop that. Because I'm a fucking McFly. Marty McFly has just made his life good. He's used time travel to... It's entirely selfish, but it's the best use of time travel. I think that the film gives the illusion that he's made his life awesome,

when really, he's fucked it. How? How is it any worse than when it was a... First of all, there's definitely things that would happen after the credits roll in that universe. Things have just got bad. First of all, so Marty McFly, pretty much, when he goes back to 1955, it would have looked like to everyone that his mum was dating him in high school.

Yeah, that's what people would have assumed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. So, when Marty was born and looked like Marty, it's going to look... Looked like Calvin Klein, you mean. Calvin Klein. My mistake.

They'd be like, whoa, Lorraine. Lorraine? That's a name I'm pretty sure. Yeah. No, but the thing is, it's not like Lorraine and George just boned straight away after that night. It was a while down the track.

They would look at Marty and maybe be like, man, our son kind of looks like. That makes it worse. Yeah, that does make it worse. Because if I was George, I'd be like, look at our two beautiful son and daughter that we've had. And now we've got the third coming away. He looks so precious. And now, look, he's turning 16. And you know what?

You remember that high school boy who helped me out and helped you out that disappeared? Have you seen him any time? But you just ignore it. You'd be like, as if my child time travelled. No, it's not that. It's what my wife is cheating

on this guy that we met in high school. Yes. That's retarded. No, it's not. Marty is going to be despised by his father for thinking that he is not his own son. No, because there was nothing. He looked exactly like Calvin Klein.

Yeah, who disappeared. He doesn't see you, but you don't know what your wife is doing. He made a big enough... Because he got them together, remember? Sure, I agree. I agree that they'd remember him. They'd see their kid, they'd be like, that looks like Calvin Klein. You don't know what your wife is doing He made a big enough Because he got them together remember Sure they No I agree I agree that they'd remember him

They'd see the kid They'd be like That looks like Calvin Klein Also Okay Okay So the kid reminds him of Calvin Klein Yeah that's all

They name him Calvin Klein They don't They name him No no no They name him Calvin Klein In honour of the friend That got them together They do?

No but they would Probably No they wouldn't Because because a baby is born. You're not going to be like, that looks like that guy. No, he's a fucking baby. He looks like a smushed thing. He looks like a young, tiny, fetus-y Winston Churchill. Yeah, gross.

But then, as he ate, what I'm saying is that you would try, because your mind would not, you would look at him and you'd be like, as if. That can't be, he just looks very similar. No, you'd be on edge. As George McF't be he's just looks very similar you'd be on edge you'd be on as much as george mcfly would be as that key gets out he'd be like i'm questioning the legitimacy of that child is my own son i think you would lorraine um so x amount of years ago she must have hooked back up with that calvin klein prick and he impregnated my wife what and it's just stayed in her stomach for a very long time? No! No! Oh my fucking God, are you actually a moron?

Calvin Klein, because they don't know he's a time traveler. Of course, yeah. So when he disappears, in George's head, he's just left town or something. Yeah. So what, George thinks that- I have no competition. Fucking ten years down the track, he's just come back? Yes!

Yes! Yes! Why would you ever think that? Because Lorraine was in love with him as well. Oh, my God, I'm going to punch you in the face. Because he looks like my wife's old high school lover. And you'd be like, have I seen him around town? I haven't.

It doesn't matter what I haven't. My wife's vagina may have. Exactly. So my wife, in theory, George probably thinking, my wife is going out and fucking her ex-partner from high school. Clearly she was yearning for that nostalgic whatever and must have met him.

And they've had a child. And I've been raising this like a chump for the last 16 years. I hate that kid. All right. So Marty makes his own father hate him. Second of all, Doc Brown. What about him? He's a friend of Marty.

Off having time travel adventures with his wife and kids. He's having a great time. On trains. The fact that he stole from terrorists. Yeah. And all he did was flip their van. Are they going to come back?

I feel that's going to come back to haunt him they didn't even fucking leave I sort of assume that Doc Brown will do something about that like Marty would just be like what happened to those terrorists one day? and Doc would be like never mind Marty like he just maybe time travelled back

disposed of them at the very least just like you know go back and give them the plutonium back because you can time travel back? Disposed of them? At the very least, just like, you know, go back and give them the plutonium back because you can time travel. Yeah, but then they wouldn't have caused the events of the first one. Yeah, then they wouldn't be... Well, then time travel, get some other plutonium because you can time travel.

And there you go. But they would have been angry. Yeah, they would have been super angry. You flipped my van. And you stole from us. And you stole from us. Did they ever see Marty McFly? Yes. Would they remember him? You flipped my van. And you stole from us. And you stole from us. But I don't care. Did they ever see Marty McFly?

Yes. Would they remember him? Do they know where he lives? He's fucking terrorists. He's got that very recognisable jacket. I think it's Doc's problem, frankly. It is definitely Doc's problem. Who is a friend of Marty.

And I don't know about you, but if some terrorism killed my friend, I would be sad. And that's only the problems that arise in the first film. Things are bad for Marty. He just doesn't know it yet. Okay, so like, two things. One, that his doc Also, his mum tries to fuck him. Yeah, but when his mum was young

and hot, it's fine. Mum was young and hot. She didn't know. It's fine. He didn't know it's fine he knows yeah and what else man if you went back in time and your mom was a babe in the 80s apparently she was okay so she tries to fuck you i'd be weird and uncomfortable i wouldn't she keeps trying to fuck you mom she keeps trying to fuck sorry i wouldn't call the mom that'd be val wake up and she's in bed with you And you're in your underwear Remember Oh that's awkward Yeah see I'd feel filthy

Fucked It's fucked Well That's the first film Cause even if they didn't do anything Like he'd be like Spooning her Accidentally

While they're sleeping And he's you know Not wearing a lot Of underwear He's just wearing Calvin Klein underwear So he probably would've just been At least like

A very fine fabric Between his penis You're purporting that he Popped a chubby at some point. He would have. He was a slave, yeah. And, like, accidentally, like, put his chubby on his mum's back. Or arse.

Or arse. Awkward. To say the least. Whilst your father is outside watching and jerking off. Okay. Also awkward. Alright. But I...

That's how he discovers that his father is outside with his mum stalking him while jacking off on a tree. That's not good. I wouldn't like to know that about my dad. If I found out in the middle of their courtship my dad was stalking my mum, hiding up in a tree, watching her unchange and jerking off, that would change my whole perception of my dad. I would feel very uncomfortable. And this is just Back to the Future 1, which, just to remind all the listeners out there, is by far the best Back to the Future film. Yeah, agreed. Very true.

No, no, no, no. Listeners, you might be a little concerned here, thinking, oh, no, Back to the Future 2, it's so good. Future... You're wrong! You are so wrong! What? It's a load of bullshit!

Anyway, all right. So, Joel, Back to the Future is not the best... He gets a car. He gets a sick, awesome car. And there is so much psychological damage. He can drive the car to unwind. No, he'll drive the car off. Also, Marty's shown to have one friend, Doc Brown,

who leaves him at the end of the third film. What is with a 16-year-old? How old is he in that middle? Doc will be back. Is he 16? He's still coming back. Doc has a wife now. Is he in high school?

He's in high school. Yeah, yeah, he's in high school. No, that's the most endearing part of Back to the Future. He's got strange friendship with an old man. Old man friendship who keeps tinkering with things. All right, so... In theory... Marty's life is fucked.

Well, I will finish trying to win this argument by saying, in theory, regardless of all the terrible things that happens to Marty, time travelling to make your own life better is the best use of time travel. But then failing. Well, I won't fail like Marty would fly. You will. Everything is going to go to shit.

You would be so, so sad. Alright, so you're wrong. Now let's listen to Futurama? Futurama is the best use of time travel. Just because, not the most effective use of time travel in the sense that I'm going to improve my own life. It's just the one that makes the most sense because everything sort of nicely ties up in a bundle.

I just think it's a good representation of time travel, that time travel is inevitable. There are things you have to do, so you have to do them. So which instance? Just the Roswell incident. Okay. That's not a good okay as a use of time going back in time to accident well not even really accidentally just fuck your grandma no accidentally fuck well because it had to happen yeah but you didn't know it had to happen no but it did in the grand scheme of things so i suppose but it's not really a use of time use of time it's just

time travel that happened yes that's always happening it's always happening if i found out that i had to go back in time and like fuck a relative like a let's say a distant relative so it's not anybody i know right then i guess i'd have to because i'd be like otherwise my existence is in danger, and that's a good use of time travel, ensuring your own existence. I think I've misunderstood the question. Going back in time to just have sex,

because it's going to happen anyway, is just you having sex with your grandma. Because you use it to defeat the brains, right? Giant brains? That's just having sex with your grandma. That's not a use of time travel. Alright, so we've got Jackson who's going back in time to ruin his own life. Joel who's going back in time to fuck his grandmother when she was a babe. I don't want to do that at all.

Well, you just did. And now, I will present the best use of time travel. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. What, getting presidents and historical figures? No. Sounds radical, but it's not that good. No, okay, first of all, two things happen. Okay. They go back in time and meet medieval babes.

Uh-huh. White babes. Okay, you look at me and go fucking your own grandma when she's a hot attractive woman is disgusting. But you're all like, let's fuck some primitive chicks who clearly would not be the best. They'd have gross

medieval vaginas. They would have gross medieval vaginas. This is the best part of Bill and Ted. They don't fuck them in the past, they bring them to the future and then they live like normal people, and then they fuck. Yeah, I still think that would bring back some disgusting prehistoric diseases with them.

Okay, well, even apart from medieval babes, the best part about the time-travelling Bill and Ted is it's all happened before, so there is no stakes. Like, Bill and Ted can't fail because they've already succeeded. So if you... Because Rufus is sent back okay so for those listeners that aren't familiar with the film it's not that fucking it's not that abstract but

for some reason i live in a world where not everyone has seen it bill and ted uh are contacted by rufus who is a guy from the future who tells them, hey guys, you need to pass high school because in the future, your band changes the world. Literally, it changes the world so much. It has to happen. But why does Rufus go back in time? Why does he need to tell them? No, because he needs to give them the time machine,

which has already happened. And Rufus has to do this every time, the same way that everything that happens to Bill and Ted has to happen every time, but it can't not happen because it already has happened. Exactly. It's like my thing, except without the incest. So mine is... Well, no, but see, douches is great,

because douches, you can go back in time and do anything. I could go back in time and fuck a koala and eat grapes yours was just like douches it's the same kind of time travel it's exactly the same kind where it has to happen right so if Bill and Ted had to have sex with their grandma

to produce them what douche is doing with his time is fine douches going around having sex with old timey babes. You're having sex with your grandma. Because they know that they're an immutable timeline. Yes. No, an immutable timeline.

Yeah. They know immutable being that it's always happened and Bill and Ted immutable being back to the future. And the evidence that it's already happened and succeeds is shown in the film often. Like when Bill and Ted are first given the time machine, they meet Bill and Ted of the future. Not of the future. It would be of the past.

No, it would be Bill and Ted of the past. Oh, right. Who tell them something and Bill and Ted then when – Bill and Ted that we're following throughout the film then appears in that situation themselves later on. And also towards the end of the film, they realize that situation themselves later on and also towards the end of the film they realize that they're already succeeding in stuff so they're just like after we win this battle we're gonna put this key here and then they're like oh sweet the key's here genius use of time no but i have a problem i have a problem with that yep you can't change anything

yeah that's another thing no no yeah yeah you can't yeah't That's a problem with my one as well We're very much like, this has to happen I don't want to have sex with my grandmother But I have to It's one of those things So what are you actually using time travel to do? I know it's great that whatever you do You've had to do, but what are you doing?

I'm fucking going back in time Getting rulers No, I am Because I'm Bill and Ted in time getting rulers. No, no, I am. I am. Because I'm Bill and Ted. You have no control over this. Bill, Ted and Joel. Does that mean I was accompanying Marty McFly?

Watching him ruin his own life, yes. And Joel was just by himself fucking his own grandma. Why do you guys get... No, that doesn't seem fair at all. So you're going back in time? Alright, so whatever I do has already happened and has to happen, so therefore

I can do what I want, but I already see anything. Like what? Give me an example. But you can't do anything. You have to do the things you've already done. Like Bill and Ted can't go, well, I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna sit in my underwear and play Xbox. But Bill and Ted didn't know what they'd already done. So you could do anything, and if you'd already done it then it wouldn't matter. You to sit in my underwear and play Xbox. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But Bill and Ted didn't know what they'd already done. So you could do anything.

And if you'd already done it, then it wouldn't matter. You could sit in your underwear and that's what you did. Yeah, yeah, that's what you did. And that's what you always did. That's the thing. There's no stakes. But they did say you become the greatest band in the world. Your band changes.

Yeah, yeah, but they know that. They have to do that, though. No, but they know that they're going to, regardless of what they did on that day, they know that they're going to pass. I mean they have to try, because if they So they could just sit there and like shit themselves cry, and then

fall asleep, and they just win? Yeah, because it means that Rufus would probably have to interfere at that point and that would just be the natural thing But that just seems like, that's not a great use of time because everyone's interfering with my fucking life No, no, no, no, no, no Rufus, fuck off, I just want to have a me day But that just seems like that's not a great use of time travel because everyone's interfering with my fucking life. No, no, no, no, no.

Rufus, fuck off. I just want to have a me day. I want to have a bath. I want to watch some porn. I want to jerk off. That's all I want to do, Rufus. Stop fucking telling me to do shit. Luckily, you have time travel,

so you can do that as many days as you want and still succeed. Shut the fuck up. Aside from that, I'm fine with doing shit. Yeah, whatever you do works. But what are you actually doing? Okay, well, I can literally With douche Yeah Whatever you do Works But what are you actually doing Okay Well I can literally do Whatever I want What do you want to do

Alright I'll probably go back in time Hang out with some Medieval dudes So that's That's the best use of time travel Hanging with medieval dudes Yep

Growing out And having some Just being like Hey Hanging out Probably hanging out With famous people Before they got famous

That would be good it sounds really boring he's such a star fucker at least my use of time travel results in a change I could go back in time and make money I could go back in time and so could I

how? the same way you would I want to change my answer from futurama no doctor who's episode of the blink episode i want to get touched by an angel and go back to the time back into the to the past so what your best use of time travel would be living the life of a 16th century peasant farmer maybe but depends because it depends because it's all random. By yourself. Not by myself. No, no, no. Because you're being sent back. So an angel touches you.

You go back in time by yourself because... Fuck you all. I'll make new friends. I'll need you. Okay, so let's just say you get sent back to the year 1736. Awesome. You don't know anyone. I'll make friends. You have no skills

in any areas that you... Yeah, but I have advanced skills. Your language would be far different to anyone else. You have no passport, no currency. I would be a trendsetter at 1776. No one gives a shit. You have wrong clothes. I'll look at this. I will go to a tailor

and go look at these awesome clothes. Maybe we should go into business and I would start that trend early. You are burnt as a witch. I will bring... Can I grab a laptop with me? No, because you're fucking being... No, no. Burnt by a witch.

There's no... Even if you did, they'd be like, what is this? Done. There's no planning being touched by an angel. Yeah, yeah, you're dying. You're dying. Death. Death is upon you.

What era do you go back into? What one isn't bad? 70s? 60s? No, no, no, no, because they send you further back than that. No, they don't. Is it random? It doesn't matter if you get sent back to the 60s. You're still fucked. You're still fucked. You still have no identification.

If you get sent back before you're born... Yeah, but they can be like, I'm going to invest in DVDs like the cop did. And they'll be like, who'm going to invest in DVDs like the cop did. And they'll be like, who the hell are you? Shut up. That's who I am. Prison. Deported.

They can't just imprison someone by having no papers. Yeah, no, but if... Like, if you... What are you going to do with your... Okay, you get sent back to the 60s. What are you going to do with your life? I don't know. Same stuff I do with this life.

Just try and make my way. Make, you know... Okay, how are you going to get a job with no identification? Or currency. Where are you living? You know what you should do in the 60s? Go bang your grandmother.

Dammit! Alright. So we can all come to the conclusion that regardless of what happens, I'm set for life. Whatever decisions I make in my time travel adventures have always happened, so they're not going to have any negative effects on me.

Jackson's going to ruin his own life. Joel's going to fuck his own grandmother. Damn it. If you like what you've heard, guys, just fucking like us. Go back in time. Go back in time. And register at sanspants.com as your domain

to stop all of this bullshit from happening. I've been Joel and I have yet to fuck my grandma. I've been Jackson and I still think that Joel Dush's time travel isn't a use of time travel. I've been Joel Dush and I'm smug because I clearly won this. Thank you for listening. I'm going to go back in time and make sure this movie doesn't fuck up. I'm going to punch you in the mouth. I'm going to go back in time and make sure this movie doesn't fuck up I'm going to punch you in the mouth

I'm going to go back in time and fuck your grandma What the If you think this show is worth at least a dollar Why not donate to our Patreon account