Plumbing the Death Star - The Odds of Kal-El Landing on Kent Farm

Episode Date: August 31, 2015

In which our heroes realise their planet is doomed, throw their baby in a rocket and blindly send if off into the cold reaches of space as we try to calculate the odds of little baby Kal-El landing on Kent Farm. We look at the punchability of whales, the punchability of polar bears, and whether it would be better to have Superman as a resident or just a neighbour. Jackson imagines a Superman landing deep beneath the ocean and hassling Atlantis, Zammit imagines a Superman landing in the middle of the Arctic and frightening research teams and Duscher just wants a Superman who casually lives on the Moon. So wave goodbye to your mum-el and dad-el, watch as your planet explodes behind you, and pray to your foreign alien god you end up somewhere good. Statistically you probably won’t.Want to help purchase better homing technology for Superman’s baby rocket? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make sure it doesn't land in an active volcano.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty books on how to aim. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, we lost our pizzazz. always miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Enjoy the episode. Oh, and while I'm here, Becca Hamill wants to wish her boyfriend, Lewis, a very happy birthday for his 21st. Lewis, Becca tells us you're a big ol' Batman fan, so here's Jackson doing his patented penguin noise. Wah! Happy birthday, Lewis. Stay a champ. And you hold on to that,cker. She sounds like a keeper. Zam it out. Hey, guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what were the chances of Superman landing on Kent Farm?

I would say very slim. Yeah, I mean, statistically, Superman is coming from space. Yes. Could have landed literally anywhere. Let's take away all that bullshit canon where Jor-El programmed it to land. It just didn't happen. That doesn't make... Jor-El is not like, look, I'm just going to put it on farmhouse mode. I'm just flicking on loving, homely parent mode. So that can just chuff off, right?

Just get rid of that thing. I don't think that there's any Kryptonian technology that seeks out loving parents. No. Especially on a planet where you don't have live births. If Jor-El's developing that, people are like, it's a waste of science. That was a strange storyline.

Anyway, let's avoid that. So yes, the chances, just by luck and chance, that he crash lands on Kent Farm, who are a couple who don't have any other kids, who one or both are barren and don't have a child, and are like, I wish we had a child. There's a child. Let's raise it in the all-American way. What are the chances? Red Son, that's a comic that happened where it doesn't happen.

He lands in Soviet Russia. That's a shit one. There's another one where he lands in England? Yeah, yeah. Written by John Cleese. It's not good. I like the... Statistically speaking, the chances of him landing somewhere that's not land... Yeah, I was going to say, it's more like he's going to land in the ocean.

But let's just hang on. Aquaman just swimming up. As an aside, before we go to Aquaman... Yeah. We will. We will. So, you're the Kents. You see a baby, or you see something crash in the field.

Your first instinct, for some reason, is to go and investigate that crash. Hello, officer. This is Mama Kent. There's a comet in the field. Call first instinct for some reason is to go and investigate that crash. Hello, officer. This is Mama Kent. There's a comet in the field. Call a scientist. Would you call a scientist? Why don't I call the cops to call a scientist? Odd.

Cops have a scientist phone. Hello, scientists! We've got some science that needs to be done. So let's say your mobile phone is... You've left it at home or it's not charged yet. I am at home. Good point. I dropped it in the bath.

You dropped it in the bath. Why not? Landlines are down. Who knows? Anywho, comet crash lands. You're like, I'm just going to go and have a bit of a look because you're curious. You go there.

There's a pod. Without doing anything, it opens up. There's a screaming baby. What do you do? What is your first move? Is your first move to be like, I'm going to raise that as my own son? It's a bomb! My first instinct would be like, I think I need to bury this.

I think this is a crime. I don't know what or how. Get me my shovel. I think I found a crime in the left paddock um also like aren't comics uh comics chances like they just didn't see it and like a wild coyote comes and they're just like this is a weird bloody pod oh well i don't my first instinct isn't to be like, not call the government, not call the cops,

not call, like, media. Local TV station. Also, scientists would know about a comet because they kind of track that kind of stuff. They wouldn't just be like, oh, no, we just weren't looking that day. Yeah. They'd come out to the farm and they'd be like, hey, did a baby land here, or did a comet land? And the

Kents would be like, nah. They'd be like, that's a new kid be like, hey, did a baby land here? Or did a comet land? And the Kents would be like, nah. They'd be like, that's a new kid. Also, how do you explain that comet hole? Also, it didn't leave much of a crater, but I'm putting that down to, I don't know. Whatever. Comet logic, whatever. Also, how do they explain having a son?

I don't know. Like, if I was a friend of the Kents and I was like, aren't you two barren? I probably wouldn't say that. That's a bit forward. The fuck's this about? Aren't you guys fucking dried up in the womb and wang? I'm not a friend they like.

Aren't you shooting blanks and you're as barren as a desert? Isn't that what's happening? Don't you have a case of dry dick? Is that right? Who's this kid? Yeah, yours. You. Hey, you, you kid.

Where the fuck do you come from? He's like, I'm adopted. Like, fuck Korya. Nothing's happening, but he needs to. Fucking mama, she fucking... Nothing. I only think she's past the fucking sand. And fucking papa hasn't had a fucking hard on his ears.

He's shooting dust. But how do you explain that to any authority? I don't know. Does he have a social security number? Yeah, like, you know, birth. You wouldn't have a birth certificate. You'd have to really fake that for a while. Is there a period of time that we don't see

in, like, the first two years of the Kent's life as Superman where they're just,'re just dealing with shady criminals trying to get fraudulent identity information and papers and stuff. You'd have to fake it for eight months. You'd have to be like, hide this baby, I've got to pretend I'm pregnant. Yeah, true. But maybe they just didn't have any friends. Maybe they were just a lonely farmer couple.

That's not what you want, raising a super baby. No, it is not. A misanthropic couple. Lonely, weird farmers. Actually, yeah. I don't want a super baby being raised by people who would just see a baby then assume it was theirs and take it and raise it as their own. But, to be honest, there are

so many worse places. Like Dush is saying, what if he landed in the ocean? Yeah. What if he landed in the ocean? Statistically, there's a better chance that he would land in an ocean. Yeah. My science isn't 100 the ocean? Statistically, there's a better chance that he would land in an ocean. My science isn't 100% accurate all the time. I'm fairly sure Earth is 70% water.

Yeah, it's 70, 75, I don't know if it's... One of them's people, one of them's people, one of them is Earth. Oh, wait, or is Earth 90% water? And humans are 75.

Yeah, I think that's the case. So, statistically, Superman should have landed in the sea. Yeah. And then Aquaman would have come along and been like, what the fuck? Basically, Superman should have landed in the sea. And then Aquaman would have come along and been like,

what the fuck? Basically, Superman should have been Atlantis' problem. Yeah, Atlantis should have had to deal with Superman. That'd be great, just seeing this pod just go through the water, just keep going, just smash into the throne room. There's Aquaman with his trident and throne. Just like Aquaman's about to cast judgement on some crab guy and he's like, you will...

Hang on. Crabulon, just a mo. Just a tick, mate. What's this? Can Superman breathe underwater? Superman can do whatever you fucking want, so yes. They'd bring him out and he'd be like a little Atlantean baby. Atlantis is in one place.

Again, chance is quite slim, but let's say, yes, it happens. Crash in the sea, Atlantis, get it, whatever. Aquaman, some Atlantean is like, yeah, that's Atlantean. Would they just assume that it's like a surface dweller? Yeah, probably. They'd just be like, holy shit, the surface is fucked. Because they would assume that it wouldn't be a space baby. They would assume it was a surface baby, and they'd be like,

are they all like this? That's pretty funny. Although, highlighting Superman v. Aquaman, that's a funny thing I want to see, because I want to see Superman fly into space and use his laser eyes to evaporate the ocean. Yes. Yes.

But he has a moral code. Yeah. Fine. Those, you know, every single time superman gets brainwashed or kryptonite makes him bad all right fine fucking bizarro or fucking composite batman which is also part fuck superman's evil most of the time cyborg superman yeah the eradicator the fucking those fucking four lads that take over when superman dies but doesn't really eradicator. Those fucking four lads that take over when Superman dies but doesn't really. Eradicator.

But statistically the chances of him landing... Mullet lad. That's one of them, isn't it? Superboy. Mullet lad. That's what he's called. Superboy mullet lad. The chances of him landing even near Atlantis are just... Also quite slim. Just as slim. Maybe slimmer. It's more likely that he'd just hit the ocean floor, sink beneath the sediment,

grow to a full-grown adult, die in there? It depends how shallow he hit. Because if he's gone real deep, he would die, because the power of Earth's yellow sun isn't gonna charge him up. He'd just get crushed. He would get crushed. And we'd just never get a Superman.

But even if he grew to adult still, that's not too bad. Do you know what else would be pretty good, though? Because science I feel like will eventually get to a point where we can explore the deep ocean depths. So just being like, it's a fucking crushed baby down here. Oh my god, that would be so confusing.

You'd be like, I just can't explain this. I guess Atlantis was real. I guess Aquaman hasn't been bullshitting. Yes. But if Superman landed on the ocean floor, not too deep to die, and just grew up in his pod, would he burst out of that shit eventually? I think he'd burst out at some point because he'd have to hunt. And, like, he'd be just...

Would he adapt? He wouldn't grow gills, but he wouldn't have to... He doesn't need to breathe, does he? I don't know. And imagine you're like Aquaman, whatever, you're helping out fish, and you're just like, one fish is like, yo, Aquaman, there's this guy just killing whales with his bare hands. Somebody better sort that shit out, and it's not going to be me.

No. I'm just a bloody marlin. Aquaman's like, all right, I've got to go check it out, and there's this fucking naked Superman wrestling a whale beneath the ocean's waves. I think it's more plausible. Hear me out. I think it's more plausible. Instead of crashing in the ocean.

Because I'm not quite sure how he's breathing and underwater goes. If he, however, crashed in, say, a barren wasteland like a desert or Antarctica. Right? So let's just say he's crashed in Antarctica. I thought you were going to say, like, originally with this lead up Antarctica I thought you were going to say like originally with this lead up I thought you were going to be like

I think it's more plausible to say he crashes into a whale into a whale I was saying how funny it would be if you're like

lots of beached whales on the coast they all have punch marks on their heads I don't know what that's about

like laser beams through there's a frozen whale just washing up this is a fucking puzzler this is a real head scratcher

I guess we're going to war with the sea everybody I guess somebody's been out Just punching whales I don't know Quite what to make of that Someone get Aqualad on the line Aqualad's like Hey it's not been me

I'm a friend of the whales I don't know You have the power to punch a whale Wasn't you? Would I punch her like I'm Aquaman? This is weird This is weird for me I mean he's punching whales I don't know you have the power to punch a whale wasn't you would I punch her like I'm Aquaman this is weird this is weird for me I mean he's punching whales

I don't know who I like that our version of underwater Superman is not killing the whales he's just like fuck you bam I assume he's very territorial

get out of my city this is my pod so they said yeah he's so I'm not quite sure about him breathing underwater but he crash landed on like say

yeah desert like Antarctica yeah so he crash-land on, say, desert Antarctica. I like Antarctica. So he crash-land on Antarctica, no one around. Yeah, but he's not going to die. No, because he can still breathe, and there's places where they get 24 hours of pure sunlight, right? True, he'd be so powerful. So he's, you know, first synthesizing like a plant,

which is what I assume Superman does. Yeah, I assume he's a plant. But he also needs to hunt for food, right? And there's seals seals there's polar bears because then you could have him punching a polar bear fucking going to town eating that polar bear and then skin that polar bear with his bear hands

or lasers and then he'd have a polar bear cape imagine the Superman S just made out of polar bear blood on the back of his polar bear cape and a manta ray for underwater Superman polar bear blood on the back of his polar bear cape. And a manta ray for underwater Superman. So if he's crash landed, because in Antarctica,

we don't really do much exploring down there. It's cold and icy, I guess that's it. The end. Yeah, and so Superman, I don't think he'd, he wouldn't see civilization for ages. No, and he'd be pretty fucking feral by that point as well. He's had nobody to raise him. Yeah, we age him, say, 18, 20. He hasn't learned to fly.

He can just sort of jump and wrestle shit. Imagine being in one of those Antarctic research bases. Yeah. And you're just sitting there, you're having a nice day, and you're like, we got a polar bear in the other day with no skin. What's that about? Face punched in. Yeah, face punched into the neck.

We thought it had had its head cut off, but we just pulled the skull out of the neck. Like, it had actually been punched in. When we were operating, it literally digested its own skull and shit it out. So, like, what is that about? I am so afraid. And then Superman,

what have you found out about that Antarctic base? Imagine you're just sitting there, like, having a warm cocoa, and then you just lasers through the whole place, chased by this naked, bloodied Superman. Because the naked, bloodied Superman, he wouldn't attack us. Maybe he wouldn't attack us, because I'm guessing there's water, there's reflection, there's ice. He'd be able to see himself.

Oh, yeah, that's true. And he's still very humanoid looking. Yeah. So I think if he, because he could hear us. He's got super hearing. Yeah, that's true. So he'd hear the people in the Antarctic base, and I guess he'd scope them out and try to befriend them.

Because we're man and scientists, we'd try and capture him, and then all hell would break loose. It'd be like King Kong. Yeah. We'd try and capture King Kong. That, but worse. Oh, my God. It would also be like that scene.

Because he wouldn't be captured. He would rip us. Yeah. Because he'd be like, well, nothing can hurt me, so assuming nothing could hurt them. Oh, wait. They could do like a, you know like even if it somehow got through a language barrier was like you know to shake a hand to be hello he would just crush their hand he has no like because clark kent and the kents shut up the kents the kent that 70s band yeah the 70s pop pop yeah glam pop band clark kent and the kents the doo-wop band Yes Yeah the 70s Glam pop Yeah glam pop band Clark Kent and the Kents

The doo-wop band Yes Because the Kents Spent all of their time Subduing his power Not subduing it But being like Hey look

You're fucking strong And not everyone else is Again power responsibility Yeah What You know They're gonna have to He never got that

He doesn't know how strong he is I mean I guess he knows Because he's killed Bloody polar bears But still Or he just assumed Polar bears were weak Well he just assumed that humans were the same as him yeah yeah because they look the same yeah yeah he probably just assumed like hey they're just as strong as me they're also punching polar bears skulls out their arsehole but i think because if he has the same

base urge as a human he's got basically eat sleep fuck. Why does it always go down this path? He's just saying he's a feral Neanderthal man kind of thing. He's a feral person going on base instinct, or he's a feral Kryptonian going on base instinct. Who's the most... Well, Kryptonians don't have the base instinct to fuck. I'm assuming they would without if they were left to their own, because they had to breed at some point.

No, they don't have dicks. No, no, no, because they don't. Not Kryptonians. No, but they would have had to have bred at some point. Pods, mate. Yeah, but they would have had to have bred at some point. It would be in there, but it would not be in the forefront. It wouldn't be an eat, sleep, fuck situation.

No, it would be like an eat, sleep, make pod babies. Who's that? No, because it depends what's kind of iteration of Superman. But even in Man of Steel Superman, Jor-El and... Yeah, he's a live birth, I know. Yeah, they're a live birth. So even still, there's that instinct there when he hits puberty.

No, but they sort of imply that it's a live birth because Jor-El and Mama Jor-El love each other a lot. Mama Kal-El. Kal-El, Mom-El, Dad-El and Mom-El. Dad-El, Mom-El,or-El love each other lots. Mama Kel-El. Kel-El. Mom-El. Dad-El and Mom-El. Dad-El, Mom-El. Baby-El.

Son-El. So I'm guessing I would still say there would be some sort of when he goes through puberty when he hits 13 there is going to be that urge. He's probably just going to be fucking polar bears.

Yeah, I worry about you, Sam. You bring this up a lot. I'm just scared that every time you're not recording the podcast you're like I need to be banging something right now. Or eating. Or sleeping.

You look at not just humans, but you look at the animal world. You think, what causes an animal to do anything? And it's usually food, survival, or mating. Would Superman immediately become the apex predator of Untactical, or is it more likely for him to get raised by polar bears i think he's probably gonna be apex predator raised by polar bears he's gonna be so fucked up because anything in isolation is is wrecked that just doesn't happen in nature in humanity we're a pack animal the superman does not have a pack he'll try and find one he's gonna i don't even know he's gonna be just off the actual chain He would probably be fine

Yeah Pack of polar bears I'd say wolves but they're not Antarctic Who's like the Reed Richards Of the DC universe Batman Yeah kind of Batman a little bit but not even quite Dr. Light no he's a rapist

Yeah he is I made the faces like, oh, no. No, I'm not going into that. Elon gave him man. Yeah, Elon, yeah, actually, they don't really have a read. The Oracle? He's got read Richard's powers. No, not even really.

Like a super scientist. Yeah, there's no super scientist that I can think of in DC. Doctor Strange. Yeah, Doctor Strange would come looking for him. No, but maybe Batman. I'm just thinking, like, somebody's going to hear about this and be like, there's a fucking sort of mutant out there. We should deal with that.

Maybe even fucking Supergirl, who's like, that sounds like a Kryptonian. Green Lantern. Yeah, Green Lantern. He's probably like, hey, there's a danger to Earth. I'll go sort that shit out. Yeah, he's doing some space shit. There was some space shit happened 18 years ago.

He'd be a villain. Superman would just be a villain. But, like, one of those weird primal villains. Like feral as hell. Yeah, yeah. And he would. I know douche is like, oh, you get brisk to sex and everything. But like he would, you know, if he'd bring in sort of Lois Lane kind of stuff into it,

he would have that sort of King Kong aspect of. I don't think Lois Lane would still be into Superman. No, no, no. She wouldn't. He would be into her. I don't think they'd meet. I don't think they're going to be like, hey, Feral superman you want to work at the daily planet you seem like a journalist if she's doing a story on this if he's doing the same thing that you're saying he's going to be

doing he's just gonna have that with everyone not just lois no i'm saying we're gonna keep it in that same sort of parallels and you know how red sun has like a parallel batman a parallel oh yeah that kind of stuff i suppose i don't know if lois lane would get all the way to entire you're sort of implying that he's just gonna be like she's gonna wreck her shit not wreck her shit but be attracted to her and try and kidnap her kind of like king kong and what i'm saying is that it's going to be a very much a king kong-esque scenario where he's going to be i like that it could be lois lane could be any woman whatever i can just see green lantern taking superman throwing him into space to be honest honest. Yeah, cool. Sick. Sick.

Sick, good. Great. Good times. It's not necessarily a King Kong parallel. I think it's going to be an Of Mice and Men parallel. Oh, no. Let's reintegrate Superman. Yes. She's a pretty lady. I like soft things. Oh, no, she has no skull. And then instead of being shot at the river,

he'd be thrown into space. Into the sun. He would just be padding or just press his hand down and just imagine his hand on your face. And just going into your skull. That'd be like Superman. No, no, no.

What would they call him? Superman still. But that's only one of infinite possible places for Superman to land. I think it'd be more funny if he landed in, say, a metropolitan area. That would be interesting. In the centre of a city. Yeah, the centre of a city, just smack bang. Raised in a lab? Raised in a lab?

Raised in a lab. Raised in a lab. You'd be like, this is an alien. Is he mastermind? Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah The podless lands in a fucking prison He's raised by prisoners

Because, hmm, anyway Well yeah, the thing is Regardless of where he lands It's probably going to be raised in a lab Except in an isolated farm area Or Antarctica Or a desert. Or an undersea where it's Atlantis'

problem. Fuck you, Ackerman. What if he didn't land? Then it wouldn't matter. Like, he misses Earth. What if he, like, hit, like, Mars? Yeah. Then, oh, there are Martians. Then Martian Manhunter would be like, oh my god! Ah!

No, I was saying, what if he just accidentally, like, his trajectory was a little bit off, and he just got caught in orbit? Like a little orbiting Superman orbiting the planet? That'd be kind of sick. Oh, what if he actually ended on the moon, and was just one moon guy? I think eventually...

Earth population, seven billion. Moon population, one. In that scenario, I guess, because, again, if we would have noticed, like, an impact on the. In that scenario I guess, because again, if we would notice an impact on the moon, that kind of stuff, a telescope, etc. We'd be like, is someone building something? Is there a house up? Is that footprints?

There are so few instances where Superman gets morals. Yeah. I was just going to say if he landed on the moon, he would get to a certain point where he could fly and I'm assuming he would fly to Earth and then there would just be him meeting them as a little bit older

maybe as a little bit wiser like 8 because Superman, when does Superman let him fly? pretty late, I think he's like a teen like a young teen in Man of Steel he's like 20 odd when he's of steel he's like oh yeah i'm going up to 20 odd in when he's super boy he's flying about actually when he's a baby in the comics he's flying adorable so i'm guessing

he would fly baby yeah in in smallville he doesn't learn to fly until towards the end yeah yeah so i think it depends but let's say roughly mid-teens so i I think either... Because Whiskey, because again, having that same problem of Antarctica, he's isolated from humanity, but he's still got like polar bears, he's still got lion seals, he's still got that.

So he's still going to learn to hunt and he's still going to learn to kill and he's still going to learn to sort of either eat or be eaten. But on the moon,

he's just pure isolated. Is he going to need to eat? I don't know. Is he going to be like, I'm so fucking hungry. I still think he photosynthesizes like a plant. Yeah, I think that makes more sense. That's my theory. Like he going to be like, I'm so fucking hungry. I still think he photosynthesizes like a plant. Yeah, I think that makes more sense. That's my theory.

Like we said, does he even have a butthole? Who knows? What's his dad's name? Jor-El? He's got a computer program in the pod, right? Yeah. He'd just pop out and be like, are we on the moon? This is not where I sent you.

This is not what I wanted to happen. And quite frankly, I'm disappointed. So would he get that education from his dad? Would his dad be like, yo, you're a crypto idiot? Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So there's like a whole computer... Yeah, he's got like a computer program. I feel like it might accidentally become Brainiac down the track.

And then it becomes Cyborg Superman. Yeah, yeah. So it's sort of like in the Venture Bros Club, he's watching a fuck ton of that. So that whole, their bed is like an educational thing. Yeah, so we'd teach him about Krypton. He'd be like, hey, Superman, you're just a little baby now, but also you're from Krypton.

It's dead. Rough. Because is that touched in the comics, him learning from his dad in the computer pod? I feel like it is a bit. Again this is again I'm not

a huge DC. I'm not that much of a Superman guy but I think I don't know because he's just picked up pretty much by

no he is because he's picked up by the Kents but what happens is he's picked up by the Kents and then later on he learns from his dad.

Okay because they hide the pod and they don't tell him he's an alien baby for a while so if he's on the moon then he would just pretty much instantly as soon as he learns from his dad. Okay, because they hide the pod and they don't tell him he's an alien baby for a while. So if he's on the moon, then he would just... Pretty much instantly. As soon as he learns the stuff, he'd have that sort of learning integration with his dad.

And it's not to assume that... Honestly, that sounds like it might work out better for him. Yeah, actually. Because he would never be under the... Because the thing with Clark Kent, who would never exist, is that he's sort of under the guise that he's a human. Like, he learns to be a human first. Where if he knows he's Krypton under the guise that he's a human like he learns to be a human first

where if he knows he's Kryptonian and like Earth is different straight off the bat things would be completely different yeah he'll come down

and be like hey I'm Kryptonian I'm an alien he won't become Superman because Superman his whole deal is that Earth is his adopted home

he's like the ultimate immigrant you know he's like yeah whatever fuck yeah Earth radical whereas this version of Superman comes down and he's like, hey. Fuck yeah, the moon.

Fuck yeah, the moon. Have you guys been up there? It's sick. It's off the Chizain. Anyway, I'm Superman. Anyway, hi. Kal-El. Kal-El.

Because he wouldn't have that. He wouldn't so much turn evil because he's being raised by Jor-El. So he wouldn't have a need to sort of destroy and rule over Earth. He'd be so neutral. He'd be very neutral, but I think he'd be maybe more of a protector. Of Earth? Yeah. As Superman is a protector of Earth, he'd be like a different kind of protector.

He'd be sort of ever vigilant. His base would be on the moon. His home would be on the moon. His fortress would be on the moon. Oh, man, could you imagine Neil Armstrong landing? Hello! Hi! Oh, yeah, that's all right.

Moon-per-man's up here. See, I think that this Superman that's landed on the moon is not a good Superman or an evil Superman. He's just impartial to Earth. Because the reason Superman is happy to protect Earth is because he's like, this is my home. I'm a farm boy from Illinois or Minnesota. But if he's land on the moon, he'd be like, they're my neighbor.

Yeah. And he wouldn't have that sort of border that he has with their, you know, in current DC where it's like just League of America. So it wouldn't have sort of American values. No, I think he would protect us if it worked out for him, but mostly he'd spend his time trying to rebuild Krypton. Yeah. Like, if somebody came by and was...

I don't think he'd love the moon. He wouldn't be like, this is my home. No. Protect the moon. But he would still have that sort of attachment of like his pod was and his dad. Yeah. So I think he'd have some sort of, you know, that is my home.

I think this version of Clark is a lot more alien. Yeah, a lot more alien. I still think he would protect Earth, but not in the same way he protects Earth now. Probably join Zod when Zod arrived. Yeah. Oh, but Jor-El hates Zod. I suppose.

He might just be like, you might steal their ship. That's true. I'm going to find Krypton again. He wouldn't have the morals that he would have, like, you know, no killing that he sort of meant to develop, so he'd probably kill Zod and the rest. Yeah, he might just kill every... I don't like this version of Superman.

He's a bit worse than Feral Superman, because you're like, ah, you don't know about it. Yeah. But this Superman, you're like, ooh, you're a bit of a dick. Bit of a dick. I don't know if he's a bit of a dick. I think he's more of a... Moon per man is more neutral.

Moon per man, dick per man. It'd be good. Yeah. And I think Earth would be afraid of Moon Perman a lot more. I think the Justice League of America led by either Batman or Wonder Woman is more likely to just try and corral Moon Perman instead of let him into their ranks.

He's not a leader, this guy. Moon Perman is more an ally, potentially, but he's just more of a guy who is there. I just kind of imagine him, like, he's building a, like, slowly building a spaceship, and he's like, I'm just going to drift back into space when this is done, and they're like, oh, okay.

And he's like, yeah, I'll help you out if shit goes wrong on Earth, you know, whatever. But, like, in some iterations, he's always got, like, miniature Krypton. He's always trying to, like, you know, build that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, he's probably just trying to... And so maybe he's trying to, trying to repopulate the moon.

Maybe he does team up with Zod when Zod comes down. He's like, I want to build Krypton. He's like, oh, yeah, I've been trying to do that. I've got the moon. I've been trying to do that for like 20 years. This is the moon. Let's do that. Peaceful coexistence.

So what's the best Superman? Moon-per-man? Feral Superman? Or Aqua-Superman? Or Aqua-Superman? Aqua-per-man. Aqua-per-man. Sea-per-man. Wet-per-man, feral superman. Or aqua superman. Or aqua superman. Aqua-per-man. Aqua-per-man. Wet-per-man.

Wet-per-man. Whale-punching-per-man. Okay, we've got sea-per-man. Sea-per-man, moon-per-man. Cold-per-man. Cold-per-man and super-man. I like moon-per-man. I think moon-per-man is interesting.

Yeah. I think it's the most interesting version of Superman More interesting than the one Antarctica Man is more Cold for Man Cold Play for Man I think ultimately he did land in the best place for him

because with Moon for Man might not stop a comet rotting towards Earth he might be like hey I'll be right Sick another planet Yeah exactly whereas Superman's like I'll ch right. Sick, another planet. Yeah, exactly. Whereas Superman's like, I'll chuff up into space

and deal with that. What about Australian Outback per man? No, because I think that's going to be exactly the same thing as Antarctica, but he'd just be a bit sweatier. What if he lands? Same sort of, rather than the Kent farm. He lands on the McCarthy Ranch.

The Drover's Ranch. Yeah. Like, just into a sheep. Sheila, some fucking space pods wrecked one of our sheep. Like, straight through some sheep into, like, just stopped by, you know, a big old bull. It crashes into Uluru. Yeah. Crashes into Uluru.

Man, that'd be kind of cool. Like, crash into Arnhem Land? Yeah. That'd be all right. Like, Indigenous Superman? Yeah. Kind Zoolaroo. Man, that'd be kind of cool. Like, crash into Arnhem Land? Yeah. That'd be all right. Like, Indigenous Superman? Yeah. Kind of like when they had Indigenous Hulk. Yeah.

He was just like, hey, yo, can I just chill with you guys? And they're like, yeah, I guess. That'd be kind of really cool, Indigenous Superman. Yeah. And then sort of be, like, living off the land, having that respect, more respect for Earth than actual Superman. Yeah. Indigenous Superman's sick.

I kind of like Indigenous Superman. I'm, yeah, fuck Moon. Yeah. Indigenous Superman's sick. I kind of like Indigenous Superman. Yeah, fuck Moonperman. Indigenous Superman will probably turn out more like Captain Planet than Superman. Yeah, but also... Because his thing would be more like, I'm protecting the planet rather than the people. The people of the planet, yeah. But he'd be a bit of both,

because again, he'd have respect for the ancestors. Yeah, yeah. He'd have... for the ancestors and all that kind of shit. Yeah, yeah. He'd have... Because Superman has been raised on Christian values. Yes. End of the day. Whereas... Mormon.

Mormon. Mormon-ass values. Oh, hang on. I know this. Is Superman Mormon? There is an actual website which is like to... The religions of superheroes? Holy shit, I hope Superman's Mormon.

Imagine Superman just... Oh, no, that's Jehovah's Witnesses. Never mind. Superman rocking up at your place and being like, hey, have you heard about the Lord? And you're like, no, come in. Don't laser vision me. Tell me about God.

Superman is a Methodist. Well, there you go. Superman's a Methodist. He's raised with Methodist values, whereas indigenous Superman is raised with indigenous values, which is respecting the land Which is like family And your country and shit

That's rad The Australian way But like the real Australian way I don't know if he joined the Justice League Because it's the Justice League of America Probably the kind of thing where he's like Look I'm protecting Australia Whatever

Shit's happening in like fucking Sweden It's not my beef He'd be like He'd be more like that sort of tribal Tribal Whatever. Yeah. Shit's happening in, like, fucking Sweden. No, I think... It's not my beef. If it went more like that sort of tribal shaman type thing, that'd be really cool. Yeah. I think that'd be sick.

Still, Superman punching whales. I kind of don't want to miss out on that. That is true. And I like Moon Perman. I'm still a big fan of Moon Perman. The plight of the Australian Indigenous people being, like, really helped out by Superman and all that kind of stuff. Although it does have a bit of a vibe of...

Yeah, there's a bit of... Oh, this white fucking pretty boy coming in and helping out the Indigenous people, that sort of fantasy trope. Yeah, I feel like that's going to irk some people. Yeah. I think let's keep with Superman underwater punching whales. Let's keep him on the moon.

I'm going to go team Moon. All right. Moon per man. Two moons V1C. Yeah. I'll accept that as a loss. And then Antarctic avoid just sort of crying. Colds per man. Nobody wants cold per man. Eating a seal. The best part about

Superman is that Aquaman is like, well, that's kind of all I had going for me. Now I guess I don't have that either. Have fun uniting the seven, you motherfucker. I'm chuffing off to space. I'm going to go live on the moon.

Moon man. Although it wouldn't be Aquaman. It'd be Aquaman's dad. Yeah, it would too. So actually, Arthur Curry and Aquaman's mum. Aquaman's dad's a human. Arthur Curry and Kal-El potentially would be brothers. That's sick. Basically, you'd have underwater Thor.

Superman could rule the sea? Yeah, you'd have basically the adoptive son, Superman, and the real son, Aquaman, and you'd have this lovely... Would they become villain and hero, kind of like Thor and Loki? Aquaman already has a brother who ends up ruling the sea. Then you'd have a third cunt brother.

Oh, man. That is a hectic sea politics. That is. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Sea-per-man, moon-per-man, feral super-man, indigenous super-man.

Cold-per-man. And regular-per-man. If you have your favorite per-man, let us know. Yeah. Sandspansradio at gmail.com. Good night. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.