Plumbing the Death Star - The One Where They Get Stranded On A Desert Island

Episode Date: September 16, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question about The One Where They Get Stranded On A Desert IslandJoin our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspans Radio will never win Best Actor. Plumbing the Death Star Gitposh UK Tour News. It's coming to our last week in this wonderful country. We've managed to scrounge up a few more tickets for both Brighton and Cardiff. Just head to sandspansradio.com slash live for where to grab your tickets if you want to come see us. And if you want to send your boys off, we're doing two late night shows at the soho theater on the 21st and 22nd aptly titled plumbing the death star refused to go to bed late night farewell show all bedtimes are abolished as we talk about spooks ghouls and most likely zombie apocalypses so to grab your

tickets head to sanspance radio.com slash live before we leave this country for good hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like which character from the tv series friends would do best when put in a situation that mirrors the tom hanks vehicle cast away That was good because it sounded like you were dying As you asked the question That was very hard to get out without fucking up the wording Who would do the best or the worst? Best

Are we just going to go through them all? Yes We'll start with You know what, best place to start is the person who won the best friend award in Friends. Yeah. Let's start with Monica. All right. So, the events of Castaway.

So, wait. We're going from the very beginning? Yes. Monica has to deliver a package? Yeah. She works at FedEx now. To be honest, someone getting that anal about the delivery, that really only mirrors one person.

Yeah, absolutely. Monica. She nails that to a fucking T. She's like, I mailed this stopwatch to me and this is like opening up and this is just not good enough. Joey ain't doing it. Yeah, that's true.

Chandler's not doing it. You think fucking Phoebe's doing that? There's a bunch of FedEx employees waiting, being like, where is our boss, Phoebe? Well done for remembering that first scene in castaway i just had no idea i'm like he crashed a supply and that's where it starts multiple times so yes the only person that actually can fit that scene the only person that that makes sense with is monica no i reckon there's two. And I reckon that the other person that could be in that exact situation

is Monica's brother, famous dickhead, worst person in the world, Ross. Absolutely. Yeah, look, yeah. I'm trying to think about it. He's mean.

He's cruel. Yeah. It fits Ross's MO. He's a nasty man. He's rude. And Chandler as well, I can imagine being in this situation only because it would be less him.

Chandler would go in trying not to cause a fuss. Yeah. Would end up accidentally causing a fuss. He'd be like, how many hours was this meant to be delivered? It's 13. Have a look at the watch. Oh, 15 hours. Do you think that's good?

Tell me if that's good. Do you think that's a really good thing? There we go. So there's three. So should we just draw a line in the sand through people that wouldn't clear this hurdle and therefore wouldn't be put in a situation? It's more of a what do you call it? Like a sudden death

as it were. Yeah, and the first hurdle is the biggest hurdle, almost. It shouldn't be. It is. Holding down a job. Joey's not holding down a job. Phoebe's not holding down a job. Rachel has not holding down a job. Phoebe's not holding down a job. Rachel has in the past.

Oh, you know what? Rachel has been known to cause a fuss and surprise fifth contender, Gunther. All right. Yeah, I think right now we can just knock off Phoebe and Joe. Can we chuck in Paul Rudd? Absolutely. Hell yeah.

As long as we can throw in Tom Selleck as well. Yeah, done. Deep friends cuts. I regret them because I don't know... Oh, no. I lie. That was a lie straight to your face, Jackson. I know friends. I figured you do.

All right, all right. So, well, first off, keeping a job, first off, is what we need to be sort of... Yeah, focusing our attention on. So, Joey knows it. But Phoebe has kept keeping a job, first obviously, is what we need to be sort of... Yeah, focusing our attention on. So Joey knows it. But Phoebe has kept down a job as a masseuse for a long time. Yes, but then also to get in these situations,

Phoebe will not. She'll be like, oh, the package is late, and I don't give a shit. Yeah, whatever. Fuck the cops. Is there a cat? I'll sing a song. Smelly cat or whatever.

What did you eat? And the employees are just going to be like, were we chastised I don't know I don't understand why you run this company oof alright so

Joey and Phoebe right out yeah before we go any further this episode for anyone who was born later than like 1994

is gonna be the hottest nonsense of just things being said we just gotta hope that people like listening to our

voices enough that they're like I don't care that I don't know what they're saying. I'm just appreciating that they're talking. I'm sad that FedEx hasn't gone under. Has it gone under? I don't, I mean posted. When was the last time you heard about FedEx? That being said, Australia Post delivers Alpaca, just not FedEx.

I think most things are Amazon. Is it not Amazon eating all the FedExes in the world? Has FedEx gone under? I reckon it has. No, it hasn't. It's not got a clear answer from the Google. He just keeps making a... Yeah, that's not Alpaca.

No, because if it had gone under, that would be like the top search result. Yeah, look i think fedex still is around yeah sadly your fantasies haven't played out yet of fedex going bankrupt that's disappointing one day one day so joey can't hold down a job no so and none of them are yelling at their employees except for ross 100 yelling yeah monica monica i mean it depends what kind of monica because you can get They're employees. Except for... Ross. Ross, 100% yelling. Yeah. Monica. Monica. I mean, it depends what kind of Monica, because you can get Monica who is...

Nah, stressed Monica. Think about when she's a chef, she's yelling. Think about when she's a chef. She has a huge problem because she can't yell at her staff. But then she learns to. But then she learns to. So it depends which Monica we're yelling to. Well, I'm assuming it depends if she wants to make friends or if she wants to prove a

point. She wants to prove a point. But she also likes to yell at her friends. Yeah. She does. And we have to assume that we're getting each to prove a point. But she also likes to yell at her friends. Yeah. She does. And we have to assume that we're getting each F-R-I-E-N-D at the prime. Yeah. Peak Monica, peak Joey, peak Paul Rudd.

So I think Monica would be maybe trying to, like, maybe be friends with them, and then, like, half through that speech is realising some of them are just checking their phones. And she's not happy about that. She snaps. She yells. Yeah. Maybe she fires Joey, who is in in the employee as a good example. I'd fire Joey the moment I met him.

Hey, I'm Joey Tribbiani. Hey, you're fired. How you doing? You're destitute. That's how you do it. All right, Rachel? I think Rachel could go either way. So I say...

Yeah, she can... She stays at FedEx yeah by stays at FedEx gets on that plane Paul Rudd you're going to have to help me here Paul Rudd was Phoebe's boyfriend and then eventually husband

but I don't remember his character well let's just go for Paul Rudd the man can hold down a job has been a successful actor for quite some time paul rudd's got it was very charming yeah absolutely as paul rudd as paul rudd yeah also in paul rudd famously played paul rudd in real life yeah yeah but also in the um friends do you remember his character's name paul Paul Rudd. Look, Paul Rudd will do it. I think Paul Rudd can deal with it.

I tried to pull Siri up, but I accidentally just pulled up my bank card. I tried to pay past the microphone. Yeah, Paul Rudd. Look, we know that Paul Rudd can hold down a job. Okay, what Paul Rudd character do we know the most about right now? Ant-Man seems like an obvious choice, but I'm going to go with I Love You Man. Ah, good choice. Loves the band Rush.

Can hold down a job because he's a bit too wound up. He doesn't have time for a best man in that film. Sure. So then he meets, not Seth Rogen, the other one that's like Seth Rogen. I don't know. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, penis boy. What? What is his name?

Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. Jason Segel. Yeah, it was Jason Statham. Oh, thank God we got that. My Paul Rudd go-to currently is, and I've not watched it, but on Netflix, I see the advertisement for the movie Mute,

and the advertisement is Paul Rudd's face with a big mustache. So that's what I'll be using as my frame of reference. Which is good, because that wipes out Tom Selleck, because his only defining thing

is he had a mustache with combined two characters and therefore shortened the list. That's true. Okay, Mute's not a good film. Well, I've not seen it. So that doesn't, for me... His name is Mike, by the way. Mike Hannigan. No Mute's not a good film. Well, I've not seen it. So that doesn't, for me. His name is Mike, by the way.

No, his name's Paul, idiot. Okay. I love you, man, Paul Rudd. Yeah. I love you, man, Paul Rudd, brackets mustache. Brackets mustache. Yeah. He doesn't have a mustache in that, but he's got mustache in.

Oh, you're just putting a mustache on my version? No, well, because if we're going for our closest frame of reference, mine is a still image of Paul Rudd with a mustache. So that's where I'm going to be basic because I've not seen I Love You Man. I have also not seen I Love You Man. Mine was going to be grown-ups. Oh, yeah.

The one where he ends up going to a LARP dressed as Kiss. Young adults? No, not young adults. 30? Now we're 30? Role models. Okay. There it is.

All right. Stifler's there too. To put Stifler in. Stifler can't hold down a job Cross him out Write Stifler, cross Stifler out Jason Biggs Who? The guy who fucks the pie

We putting him down? No, I was just asking What about him? You're asking what? Can he hold down a job? No, he fucks pies too much He's got an addiction to pie fucking She's asking. What about him? You're asking what? What about Jason? Can he hold on a job? No. No, he fucks pies too much. He's got an addiction to pie fucking.

Well, just tell your mother we ate it. Is he the boyfriend in Drag Me to Hell? He's not. No, that's Justin Long. Okay. Justin Long. He'd sell you a Mac. He would sell you a Mac.

He was the Mac guy. Yes. Justin Long, brackets, Mac guy. Okay, that's enough. He was the Mac guy, yes. Justin Long brackets Mac guy. Okay, that's enough. Slash drag me to hell guy. Drag me to hell. Because that's where I best know him from. Spoilers, has a bad time.

And what about Tom Selleck, a.k.a. Dr. Richard Burke? No, because Richard Burke doesn't make the cut because we now have Paul Rudd with a moustache. Because of mute. Because of a still image of mute. He plays not a good man in that film. I'm just basing it on the still image of his face. That's alright, I love you man. He plays a lovable

stiff. Who then loosens up because of his new friend Jason Segel. And Gunther, finally. Gunther can't hold down a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. They're holding down a job. Gunther though, i don't know if

he could yell at the employees but if you told him that hey if you hold down this job you'll be friends with the friends yeah you've been included in this because good point yeah we're like hey joey and phoebe didn't make the cut so we got a big opening here would you like to hop on in he'll do whatever it takes i feel like i've seen him yell in some i feel like gunter is a he's a tightly wound oh doesn't he have no backbone and then all of a sudden has a backbone sometimes yeah Hop on in. He'll do whatever it takes. I feel like I've seen him yell in some point. I feel like Gunter is a tightly wound. Oh, yeah. Doesn't he have no backbone and then all of a sudden has a backbone sometimes? Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes he's like, they like make fun of him the whole episode. Then at the end, he's like, no, I'm not doing it. Like he pulls the old switcheroo. He pulls the rug out from under him. So, hurdle one is holding on a job. Pull rug. All right.

Next hurdle. I'm recording this at 1230 AM, by the way. alright next hurdle I'm recording this at 12.30am by the way is the next hurdle a plane crash? sure is surviving it? yeah well this is the sad one some people are gonna die

in a plane crash right now we just got a cop but that's life I think Rachel's dying alright to be honest I also was thinking We're dying of plane crash right now. We just got a cop, but that's life. I think Rachel's dying. I think Rachel's dying. All right. Look, to be honest, I also was thinking, Rachel's copping shit. I'm sorry, Rachel.

I believe Ross Geller will put other people... He will rest on the bodies of those who are drowning so that he can get out. Ross and Monica will survive. Yep. They will eat the bodies of their fallen comrades. They will share rachel ross geller is a selfish man and monica is not far behind yep um paul rod with a mustache and i

love you man maybe some kiss um makeup yeah he's a bad bloke in mute apparently yeah and how what type of bad bloke well like spoilers for a film no one's going to see, but he's the one that, like, kills his ex. Oh, I see. To fill him. And covers up for a pedophile. Yeah. That's a shame. Let's kill him in the plane crash.

And best friend is a pedophile. Let's kill him in the plane crash. Yeah. Bud and I love you, man. Yeah. Nice guy. All right. And role models, he's a role model.

The moustache falls off in the plane crash. We shed the bad bloke-ness. Burnt off. Yeah. Moustache. Burnt off by in the blank. We shed the bad bloke-ness. Burnt off. Moustache. Burnt off by exhaust fumes. I'm a good bloke now. Yeah, I love Rush. Slap of the bass.

Alright, that's good. That's a reference to a film neither of you have seen. Not at all. He just loves the song Tom Sawyer by Rush. And he keeps miming playing bass and keeps saying slap of the bass. And Jason Segel's like, that's culturally inappropriate almost. He's like, no, I just love bass. It's good.

Just get him to loosen up. Jason Segel has a man cave. Gunther. Yes, he would eat the bodies of his enemies. I feel like Gunther just slides out like a slippery worm and he's fine. If Gunther behaved like a snake, I wouldn't be too surprised. If he just slithered. If he was just secretly very slimy. He's a slippery

boy. Yeah. Or no bones. Like, at all. Not a single bone in his body. If I just want to discover that he was a snake, he'd be like a snake wearing a skin suit of sorts. As it were. He'd be like, yes, I guess that snake knew how to make coffee.

And longed after Rachel. But now he's unhinged his jaw and eating her whole. So in the plane crash, Gunter sheds his mortal form. So Crossout Gunter writes Snake Gunter. Good. Or Gunter Viper. Either or five. Dodge Viper.

Gunter Viper. Perfect. All right. And Justin Long Mackay slash Drag Me to Hell. either of five dodge viper good to viper yeah perfect alright and Justin Long Matt guy slash drag me to hell he is very very very

unlucky in drag me to hell his girlfriend gets dragged to hell spoiler this for a movie that if you haven't seen fucking watch but when he's the

Matt guy he's always better than a very smug PC oh very smug yeah but he comes out on top every time

in Drag Me To Hell he doesn't get dragged to hell he just watches someone he loves die but that's also a blessing

because he's kind of cursed by her being cursed yeah so honestly he's quite lucky there's a talking goat in that film there is

so I say he comes out fine from the plane craft in both situations he comes out fine because Mac guy he's always coming out on top and in Drag Me To Hell he kind of comes out on top.

Yeah, absolutely. I like that we're considering Drag Me to Hell coming out on top. Well, he doesn't get dragged to hell. I mean, he's sad. Obviously, his partner got dragged to hell. He saw it, too. He has a bad time. He can't even be like...

He also gave her the button back that brought back the curse. Look, he's unhappy. And he's unlucky. But he's passed it on. Yeah. But he's no longer unlucky. Yeah. He's not cursed.

Yeah, I feel like he strolls out of the plane being like, shit. That was crazy. Thank God I'm a Mac. Steps over Gunther Wypoff. Every time does he succeed, does a PC guy die? A PC guy is being dragged to hell. Like a massive piece of rebar goes into the middle of his skull Of the PC guy's skull

Just missing him That's what I like to think Is that the list? Yep Alright so wash up on an island First task from Mamrie is making a fire Yeah Or is the first task collecting your shit

I think collecting your shit I actually wash up on the shore Do they need to swim for? Or is the first task collecting your shit? I think collecting your shit Because they basically float all night I actually wash up on the shore Do they need to swim for? Not really because they use a life raft Okay how do they cling to the life raft? They just cling onto it mate With pants?

Yes Got some bad news We've got another casualty on our hands Oh nah Snakes can swim mate Yeah snakes swim like this. Also, that snake, how long wiper can wrap around that raft?

Yeah. Or a bit of driftwood now. In fact, it's the undulates through the water. I doubted our new snake friend, but I'm glad he made it. He's a champion. He'll survive this. The next one is,

we'll be exploring the island. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. I feel Ross may trip and eat shit. No, he's a paleontologist. Oh, fuck, he is too. He knows his way around a dig site. But he's also a whiny baby. Yeah, he'd be annoying.

He might just sit on the island and complain. Oh, that's the noise you'll make. That is a very David... Oh, my God, David Schwimmer. Thanks for joining us in the studio. Oh. Oh, Rachel. That's him.

I miss my wife. Oh, it's hot. My pants are ragged. Every time I meet a woman, she hates me, and I blame them. Why do women hate me? That's Ross Geller. So he's not exploring the island. He's just sitting there.

Sulking about women Does anyone end up eating shit by exploring the island? I don't think so No I just can't imagine that Unless, I mean, Justin Long gets dragged to hell or something But I doubt it I don't think he's still

So now they're all basically gathering the packages that have fallen There's a corpse of a pilot Gunther Viper's probably eating that. Sure. That's real good. Now, the next, I guess, hurdle, I would say, is the attempt to swim out to sea but failing, like Tom Hanks does. Okay. So, who wouldn't fail swimming out into the open ocean through pure tenacity and therefore dying?

Goodness. Goodness. Okay. Who has that willpower to realise that, like, this isn't a bad idea and keep soldiering on? Well, as we just established, humans find it's living. Snakes, great at swimming. So good. Good to might snake his way to sea. Yeah.

He might try and make an escape attempt with his life raft and just kind of keep swimming and like overcome that problem yeah yeah and just keep swimming and now he's like a shark yeah gunter might end up just eating shit in open ocean i reckon because of gunter's tenacity i reckon he's gonna fuck this up i reckon there's two casualties here yeah gunter on rest in peace yeah i hope he comes back, but unfortunately snakes don't come back from the dead very often. Yeah. And our very smug friend, Justin Long.

Why do you say he hit that? Because he thinks he can do everything better. That's true. That is true. He'd get on the remnants of his life for often. He sees a PC guy drown in the sea. Yeah. No, PC guy comes back.

Yeah, but PC guy's like, hey, I'm going to swim to sea. He drowns. Justin looks like, should have got a Mac. And he starts swimming. And he also drowns. And he overcomes that powerful surf.

Well, he doesn't drown. He makes it. Justin Long swings back to America. Yeah. I was thinking, Gunther and Justin Long, they could both overcome

that powerful surf. Actually, I think Justin Long might drown, but Gunther makes it back. Gunther makes it back to the shores of america so like in hurdles like two or three gunther is like a okay yeah which good for like gunter but we're not mirroring yeah that's true we've got to try and fail so i think justin justin long as well he's trying and succeeding absolutely not to cross you out boy justelyn Long and Snake Gunter make it to America, make it to the Shining Shores.

They're alive and well, and they're like, I learned no lessons. Got to keep back on time, you know? Gunter slithers into a little cave somewhere. Slithers into Central Park, punches back on, gives his shift. Clock's on again. Joey and Phoebe are there

What's happening? I ate Rachel Did you eat Rachel? Oh my god you're a snake That was Chandler Chandler's on the island No he's not Oh yeah he is too I just forgot to write him down

Oh my god Sneaky Chandler Would he have survived the plane crash? so I just forgot to write them down. Oh, my God. Sneaky Chandler. Chandler made it. Would he have survived the plane crash? Yeah, probably. Surprise contando, Chandler. Chandler would come out with his shirt all torn off.

He'd be like, this is my favorite shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. They search for food, water, and shelter. And they open a lot of packages, but they don't open one package.

So who is not... Who isn't opening a package? Ross is opening that package. Yeah, Ross is going to pack. Maybe it's something they can eat. Maybe it's a letter from a girl that they love. Maybe it's Rachel. Maybe it's Rachel.

We were on a break. He just screams that into the sea. Yeah, so I reckon Ross is opening that package. Absolutely. So I'm sorry, Ross. Sorry, Ross. I'm not sorry, Ross. The moment they don't-

I'm sorry you survived the plane crash, Ross. The moment they don't, Miro, do they die? Like when Ross opens the package, he's like- Gets dragged to hell. Gets dragged to hell. Ross, dragged to hell. I like the Gunther swam back to America. He's like... Gets dragged to hell. Gets dragged to hell. Ross, dragged to hell. I like the Gunther

swam back to America. He's fine. Not dragged to hell, just Ross. Alright, well, the opening of the package. So maybe it's like, say it's a jack-in-the-box,

something like that. It's a spring-loaded knife. He opens it in his face. No, just... And then dragged to hell. Yes, good. As long as he's getting dragged to hell.

If they die, they get dragged to hell. If they make it back to America, they're in the clear. Good for them. They just get to live the's getting dragged to hell. If they die, they get dragged to hell. If they make it back to America, they're in the clear. Good for them. They just get to live the plot of coming to America. Yeah. So, yeah, Ross, he's opening that package.

In fact, it's probably the first thing he opens. Yeah, absolutely. Well, Ross, I just think he opens all packages. And then when there's nothing to help him, he gets, you know, because when Tom Hanks opens all those packages, he uses them in unique ways, the things he's found in them. And I just don't think Ross has that kind of brain. I don't think Chandler would open the package, Because when Tom Hanks opens all those packages, he uses them in unique ways. He thinks he's founded them. And I just don't think Ross has that kind of brain.

I don't think Chandler would open the package because I think he'd be stubborn because he'd be like, this fucking package is the reason I'm here. Yeah. I'm going to deliver this package. This one package. I don't care what's in it. This is my hope. I think Chandler's also the kind of guy that's like, I can do it without opening the packages. You know what I mean?

He's a cocky lad. He's like, I got this. Monica? I don't think she's opening. lad. He's like, I got this. Monica? I don't think she's opening... Oh, she's curious. She is curious. But if she knew it was going to get her in trouble at work,

she wouldn't do it. Yeah, that's true. If Rachel was still around, Rachel would because she just couldn't contain the... Sadly, she's dead. She died.

Yeah, same with Phoebe. But they're back at home. Phoebe said central perk being like... Honestly, thank goodness they couldn't hold down a job. That's the lesson to learn here. Absolutely.

Now, Paul Rudd from I Love You Man or either from Role Models? I don't think he would. I just don't think he would. I Love You Man, Paul Rudd would not. No. He'd be like, that's someone else's stuff. Probably not either. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. I'm glad he's alive. Me too. Yeah. Me too. Is that everyone? Okay, that's everyone. All right.

So we've got Chandler Bing, Monica, Paul Rod. Yeah. Yeah. What a strange team. We've lost so many people. I like the cast of New Friends. Me too. I missed them.

N-U-F-E-F-E. F-E-N-D-S. F-E-N-D-S. New fans. Welcome to New Fans. All right. So now they make a fire. Yeah.

Welcome to Newfence. And so now, like, they make a fire. Yeah. But unfortunately, you know, he receives a deep wound in his hand. Okay. Okay. So who is making a fire but making it poorly that would stab themselves in the hand? Chandler, definitely. 100% Chandler, yes.

Chandler just goes fucking buck wild on that fire. He makes that fire. Ah, he gets a big gash in his hand. Paul Wright, I reckon, would too. Yeah. He's a goofball. he's a goofball he's a goofball he's lovable but he's not competent he's a bit uptight in I love you man at first but also he's so dedicated to the thing he would wouldn't know how to start a fire but would try real hard Monica on the other hand I think she would be scot-free and therefore unfortunately I think that she probably also doesn't know how to like

light a fire and she'll keep trying to the point where she does hurt her hand That's a good point Monica, she's not an outdoorsy kind of gal That's true, but she works in a kitchen So she might, but then there's a very big difference Very rarely in the kitchen are they like Look, we just don't have any grills or burners, Monica Can you just do it with two pieces of wood to cook this turkey?

Cutting her hand So yeah, she's cutting her hand Because the reason we need that important hand cut is because then we get a new best friend, Wilson. That's true. You know who's making the new best friend, Wilson? Chandler Bing. New Joey. Absolutely.

Now Chandler Bing has Joey. All real Joey's just drinking coffee with Snake Comfort. Calling him new Chandler. Snake Chandler. I love you, Snake Chandler. I'm Snake Chandler.

Could I be wearing any more skin? Oh, in my mind, Gunther was just a snake. I genuinely was imagining him. Oh, yeah, same. With Gunther was just a snake I genuinely was imagining him With Gunther's head I just had Gunther's face Just as good if not better With a big Monica's got a new Rachel

Monica does have a new Rachel And Paul Rudd's He's got a new Jason Segel And if Ross was still here he'd have a new Ross If you were stranded on a desert island, Dusha, would you make a Jackson or a Zama? Choose wisely. I feel like if I was like,

oh, I knew Jackson slapped my bloody hand on it, it would just deflate. Deflate, wind would take it into the sea, or into a big hole. Into a big hole and I go to fetch it out and fall in I would get it with both hands On either side and be like JOLES

Friends Hey idiots, you got one friend, I made two These are JOLES These are JOLES I can never look at both of them Okay Next thing, you gotta have a bit of a Downward depression These are Joles These are Joles I can never look at both of them Okay Okay Next thing

You gotta have a bit of a Bit of a downward depression Okay You know you gotta calculate That For them to find Where he is They gotta search an area

Twice the size of Texas Making him very very doubtful That they'll ever be found So you gotta lose hope Gotta lose hope Lose hope Chandler Bing 100% he's lost hope

Before he even looks Chandler's like I'm dead He's like I will not survive this I will not survive this Bleak Chandler would he kill himself

No I don't think so Loves himself a bit too much Yeah yeah yeah Well we'll get to that point Oh wait no Because there is a moment Yeah

Oh yeah that's right I wanna watch Cast Away now That movie's fucking great You know what I remember I went to see it In the cinema Yeah And then you know that cut

Where it's like four years later? Yeah. The cinema groaned. Really? Yeah. And I can understand why, because it was Hallmark, and it was like, yeah, we're going to see this man survive on this island. And it's like, a four years later jump cut?

What? Excuse me? Fair, fair. It's just like, yeah, I guess. Like, no, fuck you, a montage. Let's have a title cut. We were nine when this film came out. You're old.

Yes. Idiot. I would have been 14. idiot i guess i'm gonna be the ball your deflated ball killed me i like to imagine as i try to make you two i instead of doing an open palm i do like a duck beak and i pierce the board. Fuck. Burst blows your hand off somehow. And then I jam my stump into a rock and do a smiley face. And I'm like, you'll just be both, Joel. Hey, good. All right, so Chandler Bing's giving up hope. Monica, is she giving up hope?

She would be very stubborn and march around the island. And yeah, I reckon she'd give up hope. She loses hope pretty often. Yeah, yeah, true. She's like, yeah, what's the point? Yeah. Paul Rudd? Yeah, again.

And I love you, man, because he's kind of like, I don't have any friends. Yeah, yeah. Again, he's probably giving up hope as well. Now, there is that moment when, unfortunately, Tom Hanks from Castaway, he looks up and there's like that noose where he almost gave up complete not a hope but didn't go through with it yeah so i reckon all these people are very much high on like you know the contender here to give up that much hope but also to go through with it i reckon chan is like no yeah yeah he's like no paul rudd i haven't seen those movies. Douches? Is that a swinging skeleton?

No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Because Paul Rudd also has a wife. I just, I don't see any of these people. They will lose hope, but they will not lose confidence in themselves. So they'll be like, no one's coming for me, but I'll survive on this island. Is I feel the mentality. Yeah, actually, that's a good point good point yeah it hasn't been long enough for them just to kill themselves for something to do yeah four years later all right so now we've got four years who's surviving on

that island for four years monica yes absolutely i don't know about chandler yeah i don't think chandler will chandler's he's he's careless he is careless. Chandler's getting swept away by a rock and eaten by a shark. Potentially swept by a rock. That's unpopular. Lay him to sleep. Twist. All right. Well, basically, you have to, you're four years, right?

Yeah. So all you have to do really is have some- Eat, sleep, rave, repeat. Yeah. Hell yeah. So have some very tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, meager living conditions. Yeah. And become adept at spear meagre living conditions. Yeah. And become adept at spearfishing and making fires.

Okay. I think at this point, they're all very good at making fires. At this point, probably living conditions, fine. Just a bit of like frond. Yeah, yeah. Spearfishing, though. I can imagine Chandler being real bad at it. Yeah, yeah.

I see Monica being good at it. Paul Rudd, who knows? He's good at slapping the base. It's the same principle. Oh, wait, no. In role models, he's good because he lops. Yeah, that's true. He does lops.

It's the same basic principle. Same basic principle. Oh, pretending to hit a bloke. No, hitting a bloke with a sword versus hitting a fish with a spear. Same shit. Same basic principle. I was just about the same principle

because you're going to be doing it for a long time. Yeah. Have you ever lopped? I haven't, but it seems long. I agree. This is now my defense of Chandler Bing, because he's on the cutting block right here. I'm like, I want to save this boy. Yeah, sure.

Because I like the idea of him arguing with Wilson slash Joey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Well, in that case, yeah, he's fine. So I'm just wondering, because again, you're going to be there with this spear. Just tucking it into the ocean. If we go by storylines in Friends, he'd be frustrated and then all of a sudden he'd get a lucky break. That's true, actually.

He'd accidentally spear a whale and be fed for a year. Just like our own narrative where we're giving him a lucky break, he gets a lucky break with his spear fishing. Absolutely. I like that every episode of Friends is like, ah, Chandler would probably die in this situation. Nah, let's give him a lucky break Yeah Which episode of Friends does Chandler nearly die in? All of them

That's right I forget You know the one where he almost dies yet again? Yeah that's right The one where Chandler almost dies The one where Chandler almost dies again The one with the prom video in brackets and Chandler almost dies It's like if you go to TV Tropes and you type in Chandlering. It's my title term for a character.

It nearly always dies. It's when a character fan favourite is just put on a chopping block every episode, but the writers just write him out. See, the Doctor and Chandler Bing. Cannot die. Always free and far nice. Immortal, basically. All right.

And then that brings us to regular conversations and arguments with their, I guess, their Wilson of choice. Well, look, Monica and Rachel don't argue that much, but it does happen. Yes. You know. Chandler Bing and Joey. That's the argument sentence. They sleep with each other's girlfriends. That's the best kind of arguing.

Yeah, but it's friendly arguing. You know what I mean? It shouldn't be. One of them sits in a box, one of them sits in a box Both of them sit in a box, separate times They're just children But yeah look They do argue but again

It's the kind of banter you want almost Paul Rudd and Jason Segel also argue Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott also argue Depending on which friend we gave him, I'm pretty sure we gave him Jason Segel Yeah we did Which is good because my memory of that film is better than my memory of role models. Thank God. Yeah, good.

So now we've got four years of this arguing of, say, and conversation with their other. Now, how's that going to go down? Are they going to cop it? Are they going to cop it sweet? I think so. I think, like, you know, we have a lot of friendly arguments. And if I had two Joel on a rock that I'd painted with my stump and it was like, hey, fuck you, you're dumb, fish better.

I'd be like, yeah, well, it's just like old times. It's like an episode of Plum and the Death Star. Yeah. I'm going to do a big burp or something. This is good. Exactly. All right. So then a large section of portable toilets just wash up on the island.

And they're going to use that to construct a raft and spend some time building, stocking up, that kind of stuff. Is there a scene, am I imagining this? Because I assume you have the Wikipedia page. Sure do. Is there a scene where Tom Hanks stabs himself in the foot with a spear? Potentially. Like, I don't remember that. Like, as he's fishing, he stabs himself in the foot and then he's like, I've got to get off this island.

Did I imagine that? I don't know, man. Anyway, all don't remember that. Like, as he's fishing, he stabs himself in the foot and then he's like, I got to get off this island. Did I imagine that? I don't know, man. Anyway. All right. Sure. Never mind. Toilet construction raft. Toilet raft construction.

So, Monica, great cook. Great cook. Is it a thing that she's not a great handy person? Like, that she's not super good with construction? I kind of remember that being a thing. I don't know. I think that after four years of the island, she'd probably be good with her hands, otherwise she's not surviving that four years. That's true.

She's got a lot of determination. Yeah. She's so determined. But is she so determined that she would go out in a slap-shod boat? Because she's like, no, but she will make it pretty good. Yeah, alright, alright, okay. I reckon this is might be where we lose Paul Rudd. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. I don't think that he... His character in I Love You Man has, like, a business, a music job, I think. Mm-hmm. Not great with his hands there. Yeah. Not much of a sailor.

Not much of a sailor. Yeah. This is where you need Joey. Joey knows how to sail. He lops, but I don't... At no point in that l laugh does he construct anything. He just puts on kiss makeup. Yeah, that's barely laughing.

Unless he's laughing as a member of Kiss. Well, I guess Paul Rudd, he mightn't die, but he lives the rest of his days on the island. Absolutely. Shitting in a portable toilet. Sorry, Paul Rudd. Yeah. Now, all right, so they construct their raft. They go out.

Now we've got the gallows. So now they're going out. We keep forgetting about Ross. Oh, wait, no, sorry. Yeah, yeah, okay, we don't have the gallows. We've got the binks. We've got the binks. We've got the binks.

They're a couple. That's crazy. So now we've got, they go out to sea. Things unfortunately happen. Storm happens, whatever. Then like a whale comes along and kind of makes a thing or whatever And that's when Old mate realises that Wilson's fucked off

No he's just asleep Oh maybe Yeah maybe Wilson falls off At a certain point So Wilson falls off At a certain point And Tom Hanks is like

I want to save you But I can't I've got to save myself I've got to save myself Now Which one of our idiots Would try and now save Their good friend Chandler 100% but I can't. I've got to save myself. I've got to save myself. Now, which one of our idiots would try and now save their good friend

Wilson slash Joey slash Rachel? I think Chandler's going after his Joey ball. Absolutely. And Chandler drowns saving his Joey ball. Joey lives though. As much as I want to say Chandler would not be an idiot and go out.

He's just too close to Joey. And I think he's gone. Can you write down Joey ball? Because that's going to come in handy later. Joey ball. And Monica and Rachel. Monica is there and she sees Rachel floating out at sea. She'd be upset, but she would know that Rachel would be understanding.

Yeah. I also think Monica has the wherewithal to be like, that's not Rachel. It's a ball. You know what I mean? Rachel, I watched Rachel die. Yeah, exactly. I saw Rachel die has the wherewithal to be like, that's not Rachel. It's a ball. You know what I mean? Rachel, I watched Rachel die. Yeah, exactly. I saw Rachel die in the plane. And then get eaten by Gunther.

It's weird that they all ended up on separate islands. God, I hope Gunther made it to America, is what she says. And she sails from Raft. I kind of like to think they're the same, like the same Raft or whatever. There's like Rachel, there's Monica and Chandler there. They see Joey Ball go. Monica's like, it's alright, husband. Oh, he's gone. Oh, he's dived in. Rest in peace.

God, I hope Joey Ball makes it to America. So I guess, yeah, I think Monica's gonna be, oh, I'm so sorry, Rachel, but... So, we're down to just Monica, but does she survive the rest of the events? Yeah. Does she survive the rest of the events? Okay.

I think there's that many left. That many left, to be honest, because she's got to cry. Yeah, she'd cry. I think she'd have a big cry. Yeah, absolutely. That Rachel Ball is gone. It'd be a great big sitcom cry,

which is very funny. It wouldn't be like the... You know, like the classic sitcom... Yeah. Quite fake. That's the kind of cry we're getting here. She's going to cry and collapse in the raft, just like good friend Tom Hanks. T. Hanks.

And later, a passing cargo ship finds them. Mm-hmm. I'm very happy. And then she has to deliver the package. Monica's delivering the package. Oh, Monica's delivering the package. It's funny because- Joey Ball, not.

No, no, no. Joey Ball makes it to America. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this is what happens. Set the scene. Central perk. Monica enters. Joey Ball makes it to America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this is what happens. Set the scene. Central Perk. Monica enters.

Everyone, who's there but Joey and Phoebe and Snake Gunther. And they're like, oh my God, Monica, you survived. We thought there was only one survivor. And then they gesture to the couch. And who is it but Joey Ball? Joey's like, my twin brother. There's two Joey's now. How we doing?

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And then they all laugh. And Monica's like, all our other friends are dead. That one where they get stranded on an island. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at Old Dogs Are Dead. And I'm at Goddammit Zammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to

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