Plumbing the Death Star - The One Where We Ask Why Does Ross Have a Monkey?

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm also Joel. And I'm Jackson. Where we ask the important questions like, Why does Ross from Friends have a monkey? The show gives an answer of saying that he compensates for his loneliness after getting a divorce by getting a monkey.

A monkey is not a friend. It's a wild animal. It is. Ross is tired of living alone, and also he doesn't want a roommate at his age so he adopts the capuchin monkey a marcel now i know what you're thinking how old is ross when he gets a monkey now do i know this do you guys want to know take a punt at how old do you think a recently divorcee how old do you reckon that he might be? He already has a son. It's gonna be way younger than I want. Like, 26?

Spot on, Jackson. Fuck it, how? 26 year old, he's already got a band and a young boy. How old is Ben in season one? Great question. No, sir. Okay. No, so, okay.

So, this is confusing. Because, now this is going to be one of those Pommel in the Desk episodes where you can hear us doing research on the go. So, okay, so season one, the one with the monkey is the name of the episode where Ross gets the monkey.

Takes place around Christmas time in 1994. If the show parallels like if the events of the show parallel real time when it's airing we can probably assume that it's set in the same gear but not necessarily the same month so that like christmas episodes and stuff like that will probably happen halfway through the year whatever not my problem my problem with this is so i've pulled up ross Geller PhD, which hurts to say. Yeah, it's bad. It's terrible. So Ben Geller was born in 1995.

So he's a newborn. No, because Ross gets divorced from Carol in 1994. And that's also when he gets the monkey. So Ben isn't born yet. Okay. So I'm assuming they get like like so she's pregnant when they get divorced yeah um possibly at the very it's not a not a guarantee just depending on how the timeline works there but well maybe ross kind of like at his uh what was his his ex-wife's name

again i don't know carol carol carol maybe they had one more, like, tryst later after the divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down the track a little bit. They got a bit drunk and things went bad. They made a mistake. And then they made another mistake. I mean, maybe part of it was Ross getting the monkey. He's like, soon I will have a child.

And I need to learn a bit of responsibility. I am only 26. And I'm going to do that by adopting a monkey okay so ben is born 13 episodes after marcel which is the name of the monkey is introduced purchased introduced yeah but then he loses the monkey in episode 9 team okay sorry 19 okay okay so he has a monkey his ex-wife gives birth he loses a monkey uh-uh he has. So he has a monkey. His ex-wife gives birth. He loses a monkey. He has a monkey.

He loses a monkey. His ex-wife gives birth. Ah, okay. Okay. So he has a monkey. He didn't learn how to be responsible. He has a kid who he ignores that Carol and her wife look after. And then he occasionally comes and has a pity armadillo costume. All right. i was bent i would hate my birth dad yeah i'm trying to find out about what it takes to

actually get a monkey because a monkey a helper monkey specifically is by and large designed for people with disabilities yeah it's designed for people who otherwise struggle to do things around the home that they need a helper monkey for. So I just want to find out, is this the kind of thing where Ross Geller pretended to be in a position to get a helper monkey? Or did he just upfront the cost

to get a monkey? Did he steal this helper monkey from someone who could have genuinely used it? Well, let's just talk about Ross as a person. What kind of um say disabilities um does like a capuchin monkey help with well i i so i well where was it i had a list of the things that a helper monkey can do it's also and this is very a strange thing to discover doing this episode trying to find out how to get a helper monkey is very difficult and also a lot of the websites that

apparently will tell me my computer is like this website will harm your computer so i don't know what's going on there i don't know what that means but here's a list of things that helper monkeys can do retrieve dropped objects such as cell phones or remote controls opening bottles and inserting straws turning on buttons and switches for remotes phones phones, and computers, repositioning limbs on a wheelchair after a muscle spasm to prevent sores or other injuries, and turning pages or scratching itches. Scratching itches? I don't want a monkey's fingers scratching my itches.

I kind of do. That's grody. So I don't know what this monkey did for Ross because it's not like a roommate. It's like, was Ross like, anyway, man, let's watch the TV. And the monkey was like, let me scratch you. I'm just trying to think because like with Ross, you can kind of like maybe, because again,

he's got a lot of rage issues. True. He needs something to yell at. No, I was going. I was like, he's got a lot of rage issues. And I think perhaps he had probably had depression at the time. And I think he might have some other at the time. That makes sense. And I think he might have some other undiagnosed things going on.

I'm wondering, do Capuchin monkeys help with that? Is that part of their MO or whatever? Man, if you're a rage-filled boy, here's a monkey to yell at. Which seems abusive to the monkey. I don't think that's what they're for. This probably helps slightly. So, first of all, just to add to the sadness that is

Ross, he brings Marcel to a New Year's Eve party, where the rules was no one's allowed to bring a date, and then everyone brought a date, except for Ross, who rocks up with a monkey. I mean, that's just bad form for all his friends. And then also, why did you bring a monkey? Yeah.

It's like bringing a worse dog to a New Year's Eve party, knowing it's going to be fireworks. Yeah. So, Rachel is asked to watch Marcel in a future episode, but Marcel escapes. Well, it's a monkey. She then calls animal control for assistance and finds out that Marcel is illegally owned. So Ross hasn't legally obtained this monkey. Who does Ross know?

But I don't think, does that mean Marcel's not a helper monkey? He's not a helper monkey. Marcel's just a helper monkey? He's not a helper monkey Marcel's just a fucking monkey He's just a fucking monkey He's just a fucking monkey illegally obtained Marcel friends Cause

Marcel ends up becoming an actor monkey He is in Outbreak 2 Outbreak takes Manhattan or whatever So he's a famous monkey Yeah he is in Outbreak 2 Outbreak takes Manhattan or whatever ah so it's a famous monkey yeah he has the fondness for the song The Lion Sleeps Tonight

yeah so I guess it's been trained yeah which and every also as I try to look up what it takes to own a helper monkey I should point out that many of the articles are if you you type in helper monkey to Google, they're like, helper monkey, cruel? And yes, absolutely. They can provide benefits to people with disabilities, absolutely, but the way they're trained is often with more electricity than you would think.

But that's also how we got that monkey into space. I mean, I guess. That monkey's name was Ham. That's pretty funny. Okay, so Marcel gets retrieved. And I don't know if me digging into the history of Marcel is going to help why Ross had a monkey or why he decided he needed a monkey. But Marcel reaches sexual maturity and starts humping everything.

So they give away... All right. Yeah, so he's 10 is apparently the age where monkeys reach sexual maturity. So he's 10 years old. He then gets given to the San Diego Zoo. Who then sell it to Hollywood. No, there's a break-in marcel gets stolen he then appears in a monkey shine beer commercial and a movie with john claude van damme this is

not i'm so sorry i'm so sorry to interrupt this is not relevant to marcel within the universe of friends but i'm just reading about david schwimmer's experience working with the monkey. And you'll love this. Okay, so LeBlanc, Matt LeBlanc, he loved the monkey. Okay? He says, I bought him at an auction. Ha ha, no. But the monkey was, I liked the monkey. I like animals.

The monkey was cool. Schwimmer, not so much. Schwimmer is openly talking about his feelings about the monkey with Entertainment Weekly. I hate the monkey, he said. I wish it were dead. Fucking hell. What? weekly i hate the monkey he said i wish it were dead you are going hard on that monkey that's crazy oh david that's so funny what's the name of the actor that plays marcel i was a katie yeah katie it was a lady monkey to katie just so funny but they're like do you enjoy working with the monkey and he's like no okay all i wish katie was dead i hate that monkey and it's because apparently they were he's like they didn't let me bond with the monkey i just had to like go here walk here so he's mad he

couldn't play with it basically yeah i wish it was fucking dead if i could kill that monkey myself i would david please calm down it's still alive as well apparently katie she's still around also holds a grudge against david schrimmer when asked for comment katie uh sighed i wish he was fucking dead oh my god katie no way katie has been cast as the monkey in ampersand in why the last man holy shit that's crazy katie you fit the big time she's only in her middle age 20s and apparently capuchins could live to like 40, 45 So That's a long-lived monkey, well done That's awesome, that's great to hear

It doesn't help us at all It's just a deep dive into the real life Marcel Katie Okay, so back to Marcel So Marcel's last appearance On screen Is when he stars in Outbreak 2 The Virus Takes Manhattan

Alongside John Claw and Van Damme Joey has a small part in the film portraying a dying man appearance on screen is when he stars in outbreak 2 the virus takes manhattan alongside jonkel and van damme joey has a small part in the film portraying a dying man but due to his overacting his role has changed to a dead man classic classic classic leblanc yeah but when season six rolls around and this is the only line of the description about marcel which maybe ties into the logic of ross so this is five years later in season six no six years later i guess season six episode 17 ross says it was stupid of him to have a monkey okay okay so hey look hey look ross is growing he's uh he's learned a little bit you know that's nice so are are we to assume Ross is recently divorced, possible kid on the way, he's in a dark place?

Yes. Now, I don't think that Ross is the kind of person who would seek out a monkey. However, I can imagine if somebody offered Ross a monkey, him accepting it. Well, he works, at this point, he works at the museum, yeah? Correct. Interesting point. So, I'm assuming he's a bone museum man.

So, would any of his fellow doctor, I guess, cohorts, maybe doing some tests or maybe doing some research that involves capuchin monkeys. Did he steal a lab animal? Maybe, but it seems... I mean, he was at the museum. He wasn't in that department. He was in the paleontology department. So it seems unlikely that he would come across other people.

But also, it's not inconceivable. And maybe someone was like, hey, Ross, we're done experimenting on this monkey. We're just going to throw it in the trash. Do you want it instead? You seem sad about it. This monkey always cheers me up. Maybe it'll make you happy, Ross.

And then Ross is like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess monkeys are pretty good. I hear they scratch me sometimes, but in a good way. They get an itch. Yeah. So how did he get this monkey? I guess is another also great question for this particular episode here. Because, yeah, I don't know where he would seek out a capuchin monkey.

I don't feel a capuchin monkey is something you just buy from a pet shop. Now, I recently saw Outbreak. Not a good movie. But I'll make Patrick Dempsey. What he tries to do, he smuggles a monkey and he goes to a pet shop and he tries to sell it. And the pet shop owner's like, no, I don't want this monkey. I need a male monkey, not a female monkey. Get out of here.

So he just lets it out in the wild. And that monkey is full of viruses. So in America, can one just go into a pet shop and pick up a capuchin monkey? If you go to exoticanimalsforsale.net, a website I now know exists. Oh, fuck. For a mere $8,000, you could be the proud owner of a baby capuchin monkey. Well, I hate learning this. From $8,000 to roughly $10,000, yeah, you could own a baby capuchin if you so desired.

So this is now where the internet is accessible. So back in the mid-90s, the internet was a blip. Yeah. So when did the internet come around? Was it 99? When was the first time one could purchase an animal online? could purchase an animal online. Was Ross on his old dial-up fucking Apple II Googling capuchin for sale for sad man

and dropping $8,000 on a capuchin monkey? Well, again, that's $8,000 for a baby capuchin. And his pay, he gets a 10-year-old or like a 9-year-old somewhat well-trained capuchin. So I'd assume that it'd be maybe more money. And we do know that Ross is a very good saver. He follows his dad's advice and he always puts like 30% or whatever it was in a paycheck.

We know he actually does save money. So we probably could easily drop eight grand to fix his sad times. However, Zamit, my beautiful beautiful friend he is a trained helper monkey correct is marcel a trained helper monkey yeah ducha this is important it's never established i don't think uh because does marcel wear a little underwear or a nappy marcel is rebellious and unwilling to listen to ross but bonds with chler almost immediately. Could I be any more friends with this monkey? And now a quick word from our sponsors. Hey, have you always wanted to know a bit more about the inner workings of the media?

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or while you're on the toilet, or curled up in bed refusing to leave the safe embrace of a very heavy blanket. We recently purchased a 14 kilo king size weighted blanket and honestly it helps a little so to check out media breakdown head on over to youtube.com stupid old channel once again it's only available at youtube.com stupid old channel does okay well this is the way we can answer it, I think, because the text does not tell us. Does Marcel open bottles, scratch itches, pick up remotes, etc. on command? Because a wild monkey will behave differently. We got two questions.

Does Marcel tear the face off any of Ross's friends? No. Does he just pick up remotes and act like a little man? He kind of just sits on Ross's shoulder. That's a level of tame and that's a level of drained. Oh, wait, hang on. Oh, my God. He's watching TV with Rachel, maybe.

Okay. Hang on, I'm investigating. I'm investigating. Hey, Marcel must have been born around 1985. Marcel's older than me. Whoa. And he's been on so many TV shows. What have you done? That's what I'm talking about.

I'm more useless than a goddamn monkey. Apparently. All right. Yeah. Yeah, please continue. I'm just watching Friends now i guess i'm trying to find marcel in action all the costs associated with training and placing a monkey okay so this is a trained capuchin forty thousand dollars per animal for a trained capuchin i don't now

it's probably would have been less in the 90s, but still, I don't think that Ross... And also the website, if I click on it, my computer's like, we're not actually letting you into this website, you're going to get a virus. But I don't think Ross is dropping $40,000 on a trained capuchin. I think he got a wild animal.

Because it's an illegally obtained capuchin. That's true. Okay, so the capuchin Marcel, whilst watching TV with Rachel, just keeps pushing the cushion off the couch and sticking his head in a shoe. Okay, so he's not that well trained. No, no. But clearly he's not like a wild animal either.

So I guess it's someone's pet. Yeah, he's been handled in the past and now Ross is taking it. He maybe did a shit in the shoe. It looks like that he did the shit in the shoe it looks like that he did the shit in the shoe so also what do you think appears first rachel's iconic haircut the rachel or marcel the monkey i think it's got it's got to be marcel the monkey yeah correct free rachel that's crazy yeah it's also crazy yeah all of this research has made me realize it's fucking insane that one of the most critically acclaimed well one of the most popular sitcoms of all time episode 10 features

the character who's meant to just be living a lovable life in new york or 20 something singles where your friends your family or whatever yeah get some monkey yeah that is that's the kind of thing that happens like late when a sitcom is zombified and they're like how do we make it entertaining early on they thought it was a good plot to give ross a capuchin so after viewing the the footage of rachel losing marcel marcel seems very limited with his training okay um obviously this is a reflection simply on marcel and not on katie who is doing an exceptional job. An incredible job. One of the best actors in Hollywood.

Yeah, I cannot wait to see her playing Ampersand in Why the Lost Man. That's insane. That's crazy. Could Marcel's bad behaviour not be, in fact, due to, say, Marcel, but after spending the fraction of time with Ross, a bad owner of a monkey, caused it to play up. I think that I would misbehave if I hung out with Ross. Is Ben well behaved? Ross barely ever sees Ben. In fact, it's probably worthwhile,

and Dusha, you do have the tomes open in front of you, so maybe we could get you on this. How many times over the course of the series does Ross Geller see his son? Okay, so we're looking for On screen appearances of Ben Yeah so because if we can determine What kind of a father Ross is for Ben We can determine what kind of an

Owner Ross is for Marcel And if we can determine the kind of Owner Ross is for Marcel we can determine Whether or not Marcel's behaviour Is a reflection of Ross's parenting Skills I think that's a fair assumption To make we can determine whether or not Marcel's behaviour is a reflection of Ross's parenting skills. I think that's a fair assumption to make. Fucking crazy that Cole Sprouse played Ben in future seasons.

He's that guy. Yeah. Now, we know Ross is a bad man. Okay, nobody's denying that. He's scum. He's pissed. He dates one of his students. He tries to have sex with his cousin.

He's a terrible human being do we think that ross could get to such a dark place because still i think the purchasing of marcel is out of character for ross it's in character for joey joey tribiani could we you on the street he'd buy a monkey he wouldn't question it he'd be all over it and he'd raise that monkey and he'd still have that monkey you know x many seasons later i think most of the cast could but i can't imagine ross buying a monkey which is curious because he does so yeah i can't imagine him unless like he's went to a pet shop and was like picked up a monkey but it's against illegally obtained so how did he acquire this monkey and and this would be another interesting thing to find out

when joey and chandler get the duck and chicken what's ross's reaction to that is ross like what are you doing you don't want to duck in a chicken in the apartment that's disgusting or is ross like well i once bought a fucking monkey so i i can't talk i actually can't comment on this shit because I've done fuck shit before too I've been very absent I just want you to know that I'm the man in the chair this episode so Ben appears in 24 episodes of Friends

25 if you count uncut episodes there is 236 episodes of Friends Ross does not see his son very often no that is funny okay to give you Wow. Ross does not see his son very often. No. That is funny. Okay, to give you an example,

to really, really, really, really, really drive this home, Duck Senior appears in 21 episodes. With Chicken Senior simply appearing in 18. That rules. That's great. Also adding to maybe just the poor father figure that is Ross. Now, I just found an article here because apparently Ben ben sun doesn't really appear after season eight okay uh-huh and there are there are theorems out there that uh the reason why ben doesn't appear is because ross lost custody and so there's several examples of uh ross's um say instability

that could have motivated carol Carol to seek full custody. And here are the things that they've listed. So in season six, Ross asks his self-defense instructor to help him attack Phoebe and Rachel. So that's a strange thing to request someone. And maybe they went to the instructor, maybe went off and was like, this is problematic. It's a red flag. He attempts to hook up with his first cousin in season seven. Now, if I found out that the father of my baby was trying to fuck their cousin, I perhaps would be like, you don't get visitation rights.

You pervert. Yeah. Maybe. That would be fair enough. In season six, he carries on a romantic relationship with Elizabeth, one of his students at university, once again showing really poor judgment there and once again just looking at his duty of care and throwing it out the window. There, of course, is a very infamous season five where he gets very angry

about his co-worker eating his sandwich, which gets him on medication. And that medication may be part of the reason to kind of like compound to be like why he shouldn't be able to look after an aged child. And if he does lose custody, at least he has to have like, you know, supervised visitation rights. And yeah. So, again, Ross, big piece of garbage. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, so again, Ross, big piece of garbage. Yeah, absolutely.

So maybe Ross, you know, despite it seeming out of character, Ross is not as stable as often maybe we think. Yeah. Maybe in a fit of rage, he went, you know, distraught from his recent divorce. He goes out and purchases a capuchin monkey, treats it very poorly, and then loses it down the track due to his own negligence. He goes out and purchases a capuchin monkey, treats it very poorly, and then loses it down the track due to his own negligence.

I tried to find what Ross's reaction was to the duck and the chicken. I couldn't find much. Apparently the duck swallows Ross's engagement ring, one of many at some point, which I'm sure he's upset about. But that's not necessarily about the idea of a duck and a chicken in the apartment. So I couldn't quite find his reaction there, but I have to assume he's not necessarily about the idea of a duck and a chicken in the apartment so i couldn't quite find his reaction there but i have to assume he's not happy about it you know the one with the chicken the duck is the 21st episode of the third season of friends yeah ross is doing all the stuff in the background apparently throughout the whole episode and it's a rachel ross episode for him you know so i'm just trying to wonder, is there anything that like Ross has that would maybe look in terms of like, because again, he has like such an anger issue as well.

And he does make very poor decision. It's almost like he has no impulse control. Yeah. And so buying a monkey for a lot of money and then discarding it. It kind of is like fairly in line with what you might imagine from Ross, yeah. But I'm trying to work out what kind of again, what he

might particularly have to... What's causing this, Ross? So the last appearance of Ben, if you want to lean into the he'll lose in custody, is that Ben is coming over to play Ross's friend's engagement present, which is ms pac-man okay and they've all gotten very competitive over ms pac-man and chandler set all the records and has changed all the initials to dirty words

so then phoebe and monica have to get really good even better at ms pac-man so that ben doesn't see but then phoebe loses just as ben walks in the door and she starts screaming and swearing and have to get really good, even better at Ms. Pac-Man so that Ben doesn't see. But then Phoebe loses just as Ben walks in the door and she starts screaming and swearing. And Ross has to cover Ben's ears. But presumably Ross hears those dirty words and then... Yeah. Maybe goes and says it. Maybe that's

the moment that we lose... That we lose custody of Ben. Yeah, like again, like the people you hang out with. And we know that, like, one of Ross's wives was just like, you know, you basically got to pick either me or your friend, Rachel. And he always picks his friends. And maybe it's one of those situations where it's like,

your friends are actually pieces of shit and are a bad influence on my baby boy. So you either need to, like, like get better friends tell them to stop behaving like absolute maniacs or uh you know you don't get to see your son and once again ross chooses his friends yeah i think that's possible i think given the little amount of time that ross has ever spent with his son i don't think to ross losing his son is such a big deal and i think we can see this because presumably after the last appearance of ben ross is not like super distraught and doesn't talk about it so for him it was probably a relief you know what i mean yeah i'm just yeah because like there is definitely something

like some kind of thing wrong with ross like as a core as his core being because again he kind of definitely shirks away from a lot of responsibility um he does again he thinks like rules tend to not apply to him as well he will often kind of like you know skirt around kind of issues again like dating a student it's just like oh you know uh it's frowned upon but it's not really like a law and like a rule and then he finds out that it is a rule and everyone's like oh no and he doesn't lose his job which is crazy and correct me if i'm wrong here but ross comes from wealth right uh his parents are wealthy yes and i think except for phoebe and joey they all do yeah and and his parents do favor him like the parents are very much like ross is a good boy he cannot do wrong he's basically like a little prince uh as opposed to Monica, who they kind of, like, shame quite a lot.

Yeah, absolutely. For the way she lives her life. Would it not be inconceivable? So, yeah, Ross is like a little golden boy. Yeah, to see. Okay, so, just a bit of information, just to build the case. And this, unfortunately, doesn't give us anything, but I've had to go deep. So, I've got the script for the

episode the one with a chick and a duck uh-huh and i have searched for duck um and i've actually found that ross does interact with duck okay uh so uh duck senior he doesn't he doesn't meet chick senior he only meets duck senior chandler bursts into a room holding the duck and ross says to chandler that's a duck and chandler said that's a bad duck anyway how'd things go tonight ross and then ross doesn't acknowledge the duck after that so he doesn't seem to care yeah okay he seems to again very very like low impulse like he's whatever just grabs whatever he wants and then maybe just discards it it's the kind of thing where he doesn't really maybe form emotional relationships with certain people and or things.

Well, what I'm thinking as well is that if Ross comes from a position of privilege, which he does, then it's not inconceivable to assume that Ross just thinks that those rules don't apply to him. He can date a student, because what punishment will he receive? He can buy a capuchin monkey

and then lose a capuchin monkey because he won't suffer any consequences. And he doesn't. He loses the monkey, but he doesn't get fined. No. Well, he should be fined for having the monkey in the first place.

Honestly, losing the monkey. His friend takes a tranquilizer dart that was meant for the monkey so that the monkey can't escape yeah but and that's crazy let's not you know like like we can't ignore the fact that also ross's friends the friends um they they don't say anything they're i mean they they see you as a monkey but they're not like you shouldn't have a monkey if either of you if i turned up to work sam itit, and you had a monkey,

and I was like, where'd you get that monkey? And you're like, illegally. I would be like, oh, okay. If you were like, yeah, I'm so sad that I bought a monkey, I would be like, oh, cool, as your friend, like, are you okay? But I don't think that that ever comes from the friends. No, because again again it's like they almost treat ross's marriage as a bit of a joke or his divorce is a bit of a joke and even ross kind of like he tries to laugh it off i think but he's clearly suffering from like

like post-traumatic stress of of dealing with that whole fallout because he was very excited to have a potential three-way absolutely then he realized that he's just sitting there in the corner um eating chips watching his wife make out with another lady yeah it's nice to know that ross is just a big fucking cuck uh there he was sitting sitting in the cuck chair having some dip being like rules. Do you need any water? Wait a second. Hold on a second. Because I think you're right.

This whole kind of thing where it's just like Ross either comes from, maybe not, because again, I don't think his parents were exceptionally wealthy. I think they were just kind of well off. Like upper middle class, I think you'd probably describe them as. But they did treat him like a prince. They did treat him and have high expectations, and they just kind of like lavished a lot of praise on him as opposed to kind of like monica who probably got a lot more neglect so ross has this kind of periods or it's kind of like psychology there of um well this basically being i can't do any wrong because i'm i'm i'm a good

boy i get praise for doing everything and how could bad things happen to me, an angel? And so, yeah, he's like, hell yeah, I'm getting to live my life having a three-way. And he sits there. He's enjoying himself, but he never really admits to himself that this is not good for you, dude. Yeah, I'm not enjoying this. He never quite has that introspection to realize that, ah, fuck, a bad thing is happening. He only realizes that much later. And again, the same thing with a monkey.

It's kind of just like, I'm sad, so I guess I'll get a monkey. And no one bothers to question him because... Or if they do, do you think maybe they have tried before, being like, hey, Ross, don't do this, or like, hey, Ross, this is a problematic thing. And you think he's probably just ignored it. Also, at this point, he's 26. Do the rest of the friends hate Ross?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, Rachel marries him. Well, yeah, okay, barring Rachel. Well, she hates him sometimes. Well, him and Joey are best friends. Is Joey's best friend not Chandler?

Come on. They cut Chandler out briefly, apparently, according to this page that's in front of me. So another thing that's worth noting- Oh, wait, now, who do they- Is it Joey and Ross, they fall asleep on each other watching Die Hard? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. And when there's that gunshot, who tries to save the scene? Oh, no. I think Joey tries to save Ross. Or it's a car backfiring and Ross is so touched. But they just realize that Joey just wanted to save a sandwich. I think Joey's allegiances... You don't really know him.

Joey is the chillest of the friends. He's like, I don't give a shit about no shit. But Ross... I've just found more evidence that ross is just like a real piece of shit for the monkey stuff because he comes into conflict with phoebe all the time because he's always claiming to be like quite rational and by the book and he's always like phoebe you're you're like eccentric and you suck shit and like fucking bohemian lifestyle what are you doing i'm ross but can't you adopted a monkey yeah in new york city monkey he bought a legal monkey yeah yeah it was not not a monkey

that was in a position where it needed someone to care for it it was not a monkey in its old age it was a monkey in the prime of its life that ross for self-serving purposes illegally purchased and then got sick of that's frankly pretty despicable uh on the part of ross gallo and again the whole concept of like why to get one because he was sad it should not be a reason it's not enough you get a monkey no it's not a reason you get an exotic animal illegally obtained to then neglect like your son yeah you don't do that right it's kind of that thing like okay look i i even be like okay like you get like an exotic monkey because you're sad like he didn't even go to the steps of getting say a cat or a dog which i would also say getting

a cat or a dog because you're sad a kind of piece of shit yeah yeah but i guess you know whatever you're lonely you want to take care for something i get it at the very least those animals are domesticated for that purpose so yeah exactly they're not gonna cost like eight grand yeah yeah yeah no cruel or at least it's less cruel yeah i think he no he wants attention yeah this is ross wanting attention yeah he brings it to a fucking party as well his eve party exactly he's not like oh i got a dog or he's like a sweet ug. He's not like, oh, I got a dog, or he's like, oh, sweet, ugly cat I got. No, he's like, I got a fucking capuchin monkey. Yeah.

Which everyone's gonna be like, why do you have a monkey on your shoulder? And then he brings it to a New Year's Eve party. Look, how do capuchin monkeys deal with fireworks? I can't imagine. Wow. It's a shock Ross still has his eyeballs, frankly. That's a true wonder.'s sad that david schwimmer

the man wasn't maimed by yeah katie the monkey imagine the the yeah the alternate universe where friends had no seasons because david schwimmer up-and-coming actor had his eyeballs torn out by a monkey on set and we lived in a world i mean we't do this episode, but that's a small price to pay, I think. I think it's a thing where he wants attention, he wants people to feel sad for him. I think it's worse than just

wanting attention. He's wanting people to ask him why he got a monkey so that he can say he got sad and had a divorce, which is one of two things. One, he either wants pity or he's trying to manipulate his way into having sex with someone and using the monkey and his recent divorce. And I think it could easily be both. Because him using that monkey and his recent divorce to try and pick up chicks feels like a piece of shit, Ross Gallamore. It's classic Ross.

Ross being sad and needing companionship doesn't flow. It doesn't make sense. It feels wrong. Ross being sad and needing companionship. Doesn't flow. It doesn't make sense. Feels wrong. Ross thinking that he can manipulate people into having sex with him by buying a monkey.

Now we're talking, Roscoe. Yeah. That makes sense. And even when you look at looking after Marcel, the fact that he's like, Rachel, look after him. And then also doesn't tell her that he's illegally obtained. Dog shit friend move. how soon was he asking Rachel to look after that monkey like the next episode

no 9 episodes 9 episodes in between alright so like 9 weeks let's say that's still poor I don't know again looking after a monkey after only 9 weeks seems not enough time.

And clearly I like as well. At this point, Ross, he's annoyed by owning the monkey. It hasn't worked. He's not gotten laid because of the monkey. So it's a burden for him now, which is also classic Ross. Yeah. Why is Rachel looking after the monkey? So sorry.

Do you know? What's Ross doing that's so important? Give me one second. If you can just consult the friend's tomes, the ancient manuscripts that you have before you, see if we can find out why.

I'm going to have to pull up the script again, I think. I know what you're thinking, damn it. You're thinking, like, oh, he's got something, maybe he's seeing a lady, or it won't be anything important. What is so important that he has to, like, oh, he's got something, maybe seeing a lady, or it won't be anything important. Guaranteed. Yeah, what is so important that he has to, like, stop, say, bonding with this, like,

a very young Capuchin that you just have that is also just reaching maturity? So it probably seems like a time to, as the person who is looking after this particular Capuchin, to be actually there and dealing with this. Because, again, a horny Capuchin is, it feels like a stress it feels like that's something that really should be taking up a lot of your time but i've got to

assume that at this point ross is just neglecting the shit out of this capuchin so does that also mean that he they he didn't get say marcel neutered i guess not well i don't think should you neuter a monkey like i don't know that like if i look a dog, and I'm like, I really should get... You know, like a cat. I'll get it neutered. I don't know the rules for a monkey. Well, a monkey's balls are in its little nappy, so you're not seeing them. There's no nappy.

The monkey doesn't wear a nappy. Where is its penis? It's Katie. Oh, right. That's fair. Where's its vagina? It's right there. You can see it. That's fair. Where's his vagina? It's right there. You can see it.

It's gross. He's just angry, I guess. He can't see it. That's fair. Yeah, but, like, you know, should you, if you have a pet, Capuchin, are you meant to spay it? I don't know. And, again, it's this kind of stuff.

Like, how much research did he do before obtaining a monkey? Like, before I, you know, we got cats. I did my research about like how do you look after cats what do they need you know in general right like absolutely no this is a decision based purely on his penis and on on getting weird pity monkey sex that's what he was hoping for he was peacocking before peacocking was a thing Yeah this just feels like just prime peacocking Like a man walks into a party With a monkey

No one is not asking What the fuck is the deal with the monkey But it's stupid because if somebody does decide To have sex with you Where do you put the monkey Put it on a shelf And it watches That doesn't feel right at all i mean that's

like an episode of friends we didn't get for obvious reasons or a scene where ross goes back with a woman and she's like well i'll be in the bedroom and then he's like great and then he turns and sees the monkey on his shoulder and he's like oh shit oh fuck what do i do with the monkey knowing ross he just yeah huck in the bathroom put in a cage yeah whatever whatever he doesn't give a shit yeah yeah yeah he's now getting laid that was his main goal because he's a piece of shit and he's gonna catch a cab home with a monkey yeah and he got off okay but the monkey didn't all right so a few little things one it's never established what ross was doing where he couldn't look after Marcel that day. Okay.

He is a piece of shit to Rachel and mocks her being like, Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have given you a monkey to look after. We should have started with a pen or a pencil. This is my fault. Ross, it's a fucking monkey. And then later on, he's like, Marcel, he's an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city if they find him they'll take him away from me rachel's like oh okay now see you never told

us that and then ross is like that's right because i didn't expect you to invite animal control into the apartment what why is ross like a socio is he sociopath? He's definitely a piece of shit Yeah The worst dude guaranteed And in many ways You know Even though David Schwimmer Is not a reflection of Ross Geller I'm happy that he hates the monkey

And I hope In my very soul That the monkey hates him You know Yeah Was I Yeah look We all do

I'm just You ask your friend Your very good friend, who you've been trying to have sex with this whole time, to look after this monkey. Was he trying to be like, ah, she'll look after this monkey and maybe I'll get some pity sex. That didn't work out, so he takes out his frustration and anger out on her

by belittling her, saying that, like, you know, she can't look after a monkey, she can't look after a pen, you'd probably be a terrible mother. Yeah. Just, like, really kind of, like, go off that maternal instinct of hers. They'd just be like, was he trying to neg her into also more pity sex? Is that his biggest move?

So I've done some more fucking research into this fucking script of the one where the monkey got away. Yeah. His plan is to fuck rachel after she looks after the monkey that same night fucking called it fucking called it ross you guys a piece of shit the reason that he needs her to look after marcel which isn't just uh we're gonna have sex way yeah he's at work what the fuck does marcel do every other day yeah well they're clearly all right sam and he's like i'll put her in charge of marcel do every other day yeah well they're clearly right sam and

he's like i'll put her in charge of marcel she'll struggle i can yell at her about that she'll feel bad confidence lowered and then who loves the phrase confidence lowered it's a whole piece of garbage ross who can slide on yeah so here's the actual line of dialogue Anyway I figured after work I'd go pick her up a bottle of wine Go over there and try to woo her That's you And then Chandler is like Chandler is basically like fuck you Cause he's like hey you know what you should do

You should take her back to the 1890s When that phrase was last used Good one So this has been nine weeks of him having a monkey Of him going to work every day, leaving a capuchin monkey by itself in an apartment with no social contact with people, just kind of like eight hours a day or whatever it is,

just kind of just in there. Ross seems to be a person who kind of like tends to kind of go to work and stay at work, and then if he's not there, he's hanging out with his friends. So then that monkey is by itself It's neglected Quite a lot being neglected In this scene where he's describing what he's going to do Like Marcel isn't with him right then

So clearly Marcel is just in his apartment Exactly And no wonder like again it plays up When Rachel is there It's had no social skills Ross as a paternal figure to a child to a capuchin to his friends is terrible yeah thank god the monkey got away frankly because again if you look at that in terms of like the people he's meant to be looking after and i know

i keep hopping on about this but again he tried he doesn't know he didn't try he dates and sleeps with one of his students yeah who has like a a much, the age gap is quite large there. Disgusting. And he kind of takes that relationship and he turns it sexual. And if you look at the one where he does try to have sex with his cousin, again, she comes down to like the big city to kind of hang out with Ross and Monica. like the big city to kind of hang out with Ross and Monica. And again, because there's the older cousin,

he then abuses that situation and tries to have sex with his younger cousin. He is truly the scum of the earth. He's a predator. He doesn't give a shit about anything else. He's very manipulative. He's just a human scum. I hope he dies. I it yeah me too and it's good to end the episode with a whole lot of evidence that's been thrown towards you and this is one of those plumbing episodes where people like oh wow they did research on the fly but it is one

of those episodes where unfortunately the ending is exactly where i started ross galler should be fucking shot with a gun It's true And if I have to be the one to pull the trigger I know that I'll sleep well that night Every single plumbing boy with our hands Wrapped around the grip of the gun All of our fingers on the trigger at once It's a big gun

You can't put three people in jail For the same crime we all say Triple indemnity Coppo What you gonna do now? Hey judge, jury and executioner how you gonna punish us? Who pulled the trigger? Yeah. You can't. Three

people can't shoot one bullet. Three people can't fit on the electric chair. It's designed for one guy. So. What are you gonna do idiots? You gonna make an electric couch for us specifically you look like a cool so yeah ross the reason ross earns a monkey is solely for selfish reasons rather than just getting a cat or a dog which would have filled the same purpose and are

domesticated animals and therefore is significantly less cruel he's opted for a monkey which he can't look after he didn't train and then uses to belittle one of his friends, whom he also has an unrequited love towards. It's fucked up. Even his original plan of being like, I'm going to get her to look after the monkey, which will exhaust her, basically. To wear her down so I can swoop in. That's fucked up. Fuck you, Ross. You own a monkey because you're a cunt.

And on that note, I've been Jackson and I've been Joel you can see Katie in Why the Lost Man yes be sure to check out the new FX series Why the Lost Man to see Katie's new silver screen role which is funny because that means that Katie is now officially more relevant

than David Schwimmer. That's true. That's so funny. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sandspans Plus Discord, Just head to sanspantsradio.com and consider joining the Sans Pants Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sans Pants Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch.

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