Plumbing the Death Star - The Worst Fictional Universe to Live In

Episode Date: August 3, 2015

In which our heroes don’t care that it’s bigger on the inside, aren’t impressed with how many parsecs you made the Kessel Run in and don’t want to deal with that mutant problem on Earth 616 because there are worse fictional universes to live in. We look at the ethics of mind control, the potential problems that arise when body switching and the responsibility of owning pets at such a young age. Jackson decides on Freaky Friday, Zammit inevitably turns to Star Wars, and Duscher just surprises us all with Pokemon. So pick your side, build your case and bride the necessary judges as we find out, once and for all, the worst fictional universe to live in.Want to help destroy the multiverse? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in all our parallel lives. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eighty books about string theory. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, catchier than the plague. So this week's episode has been brought to you by Naction Roth. Is that right, Naction? I don't know. Naction. Yeah, okay, Naction Roth. Wes Hallam, Steve Thompson. Thompson?

Steve Thompson. Dave Thompson. James Gray, Maddie Rydell, and James Isles. Thanks for listening, guys. And just follow your dreams. Just keep doing news. Don't listen. Listen to your parents for a bit, then stop listening to them a bit

later. You're doing good. Stay in school. Definitely finish that. Think about university before you commit to it because it's shit. Don't do it. Don't get a dog until you're older.

I know I rave on about dogs a lot. But, like, wait. Don't get one when you're young. Get one when you're responsible. It's not worth it. I don't have one, I wish, but it's because I know I'm not at the right time in my life. Enjoy the episode. Enjoy the episode.

Take what you will, listeners. Enjoy the episode. Enjoy the episode. Amazing. David's fucking zoned out. He's not even... Did you hear any of that? Did you hear?

Oh, you've got some fun editing time coming for you. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which would be the worst fictional universe to live in whenever life gets you down mrs brown and things seem hard or tough and people are stupid obnoxious or daft and you feel that you've had quite enough freaky friday but but well i mean during would suck but the worst part would be afterwards so you've gone back into your dad's body no wait you're back in your own body your dad's back in his body but there's two things one you're like that's a thing that can

happen if i'm ever having like a disagreement with someone i'm going to bed that night like am i gonna wake up in their body like if douche is like jackson say i don't know i live far you're like oh jackson living in the country shit and i'm like oh living in the city shit and then i go to bed that night i'm like i'm gonna wake up a douche's body tonight tomorrow morning i'm gonna be douche for a day till we sort that shit out. I don't have the time for that. And secondly... Yeah, I have a job.

Good luck with that. I have a job. He's got a job. He gets to get up at like 4am. That's a good point. Good luck. Good luck with that. I have a car.

You'd have a license, but you don't know how to drive. I would crash. Good luck with that. And then I'd have to call you up and you'd be like, we swapped bodies. I'd be like, yeah, like remember when that happened to me and my dad? I think it just loosened something and now it happens all the time. Like, have you crashed my car?

Yes, I have. I have, Dushan. It's on you and I'm so sorry. It's all right. I missed your shift at work because 4 a.m. is not the appropriate time to wake up for me. Like, hey, Jackson, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. Like, I thought it was dreaming.

I went upstairs and I might have strangled your mother She's dead now Sam and oh my god, why would you do that in a dream? I don't know I've always wanted to kill somebody Oh my god You took that to a very weird place straight off the bat To the point where I'm kind of like

Do you just want to restart this? That was very strange Also you weren't even fucking involved in this Freaky Friday shit. Wait, where's Sam at? In a creek, where it belongs, because he's a murderer, apparently. I was going to say, you could do literally anything. No shit.

You still have a conscience. Well, you don't, but we still have our conscience. Jackson, I might have committed a crime. What kind of crime? I robbed a bank and stabbed a guy. In his beating heart. And I watched it stop.

I'm disturbed at the moment you wake up and you're like, guess I'm Jackson now. Time to commit a crime. Off to the bank! I can leave my Bella Clover at home tonight. Okay, well, you're going with Somebody you know What if you body switch with someone you don't know

That would be less weird Yeah, because I know you guys have Responsibility You'd care more about protecting your friend's life No, maybe I won't Strangle your mum, Jack She is body But to be honest

If I woke up in somebody else's Like if I woke up in Zammet's body say Yeah I'd get up Ems would be like Good morning Zammet I'd be like Hey Ems

It's actually Jackson Yeah I think we'd know Exactly what's happening In a heartbeat I'd be like Ems I've been Freaky Friday She'd be like Oh

And I'm like I'm just gonna go call Zammet in my body And I'd be like Zammet you'd be like Freaky Friday I'd be like Yep

Yeah so if you How weird would it be If you called Zammet, you'd be like, Freaky Friday. I'd be like, yeah. How weird would it be if you called Zammett? What did you call your body being like, oh, it's alright, he's probably just in my body. And you answer. Yeah, like Zoe's greatest fear, as she's mentioned

in the past, is that she body swaps but then she goes to her and it's still her and then she wakes up in another body and she goes back to the original body and it's just that and she's three of them are still her yeah she's like where am i what is going on freaky being freaky friday would be the biggest nightmare and that's not even considering the fact that you lived for like four or five days as your dad you're like i know what it's like to be my dad and have my dad's responsibilities that's also

knocking about also like like in freaky friday it's single parents it's not too bad but like if you have like a marriage like do i have to fuck my mom like your mom comes on to your dad yeah and you'd be like no no no no mom stop it why are you calling me mom i uh i think if i woke up in my dad's body i'd have to just be like dad and then if i my body was like jack i'd be like uh cas we're going on a camping trip we're like that's that we have to sort this out you'd fuck my wife did you jack what are you doing? He's punched you in the face. Why are you getting so terrified? I think it would just be a very frightening time. Yeah.

And I wouldn't know how to cope with it. And again, like I said, it feels like you've unhinged or unlocked something in your head. And if it happened once, it could happen again. Yeah, it could happen. A drop of a hat. Imagine this. So, like, it happens. You're like, whatever.

We sort it out. And then I have a disagreement with, say, Dusha, and it happens to us. But we sort it out. And then one day I wake up in the body of a stranger, and I'm like, I can't even tell when it's going to happen anymore. Yeah. Sometimes I'm just going to. You're not driving. We're driving.

Yeah. Me and Dusha. And road raid, someone cuts us off. We cut someone off. You know, they're like, you piece of shit. We're like, fuck you. Next day, we're in their body. Yeah.

But what if there's not even an agreement? What if I wake up and I'm like, am I in China? What am I doing? And it's just like, there's no rules for this anymore. I can just swap bodies. Everything you knew about Freaky Friday is wrong. And does it just... Happen on Fridays?

Happen on Fridays. But does it just confine to people? What, can I wake up in the body of my dog? Why can't you wake up in the body of a chimp? I feel like he'd cope better as a chimp than a dog. I guess I would, but then me, the chimp's brain in my body wouldn't cope well. It'd just be like... I would be like, oh, Jackson, welcome.

Get in the studio. I like to think that it just doesn't work out, but you find a chimp me and I just... Jackson, you are extra hilarious today. God damn it. I'd have to sign everything. I would be useless in a podcast. Or even like, yeah, like a goldfish. I think you trying to swap bodies back with your dog would be funny

because your dog's walking around as a human. And it'd just be like, oh? I'd be like padding up to it being like, and my dog buddy would be like, hmm? Eh? Because a dog doesn't know English, guys.

I feel like it would also just be like falling over and walking into walls and stuff just because it doesn't know how to use the dog. Exactly. My body! No, because all fours doesn't really work for humans your dog would manage but also if it has to take a shit it would just shit in your pants

I'd be like oh no in the dog shit position and just mess yourself no come on it wouldn't even fucking wipe it wouldn't do anything it just went around with a shitty bomb and i'd be like that's my body and the thing is at least if i'm in say your body doucher i can call you up and be like hey we've been freaky friday and then we can go we can be

like hey whatever living in the city is fine and you'll be like yeah whatever living in the country is fine we'll be like all right tomorrow morning we'll be sorted out i can't have that discussion with a dog i can be like, follow follow, being a dog is fine but it'll come out as like, roh, roh and follow will just be like, roh, roh I'll be like, this is me forever but wait, do dogs understand

would you communicate with barks? would you understand? oh no, because it's still your brain so you would just be hearing well, because you'd be trying to speak but because you don't know dog barks you'd be making any sort of sounds and so follow might know what the bark means but to him you might be going like food is bad but good and i love walk time walk time you just keep saying Walk time. Polly's just going nuts in the human body. Getting really excited.

I'm a dad like Jackson. What the hell is happening? Woo! Woo! Running laps in your room and shit. I'm just going up to mum and dad as a dog. Like, what is happening? Fall!

Jack, what is going on? Running around with a shitty butt. Very excited. And then I just have to live as a dog. And my parents would be like, I guess our son just somehow developed a mental disorder. Just like that for no good reason. And our dog suddenly got just far more intelligent.

Far more depressed. I would follow Follow's so old Like I'd die It's sad but my dog will probably die in the next five years And that's just me dead in five years And Follow's just like sweet I get another like 50 years left But he can't appreciate it

Because he's a fucking dog So the worst Trickster University here is a world where Freaky Friday can happen, but once it happens once, it becomes unhinged and just keeps happening. There's nothing to say it can't. And also, even though maybe I won't murder your mum...

I'm glad that's been clarified multiple times now. However, if you did, you know, what if you did Freaky Friday with a serial killer or someone else or, like, you know, a serial whatever? What if you the hot chick'd with someone where Rob Schneider swaps bodies and Rob Schneider's a criminal in the girl's body

and he goes and commits crimes yeah that movie's just freaky Friday so is the change up starring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds it wouldn't even necessarily have to be that I wake up in somebody else's body and then I sort that out. And then I wake up in another body

and I'm like, oh, this can happen forever because just once is enough. Once is too much. I'm going to be like, it'll probably happen again. Even if it doesn't, I'll always have that in the back of my head. Yeah, true.

I can't be angry at anyone because I'll swap bodies with them. Might make me a good person. Maybe empathy could learn that. That could be neat. Most people are born with empathy except you, my friend. I don't fully understand this. Still, okay look there's some people like jackson and i who aren't complete

pieces of shit and then there's people like you uh-huh lack empathy completely that kind of pieces of shit uh-huh that kind of sucks you out a bit yeah but yeah i think it'd be nice to learn i think it'd be nice to learn empathy somewhat because you wake up and you'd be like, hey, I'm my dad and looking at me and what a disappointment I have become. I'm already pretty aware of that to be honest. Like I think if I jumped into Joe Duce's body,

I'm not getting any great revelations. I'm just going to be like... So you don't access any of their memories. You just access their body. You just shove your mind in their body. Oh, then I wouldn't learn empathy. No, you'd just be like, well, don't access any of their memories you just access their body you just shove your mind in their body then i wouldn't learn empathy no you'd just be like well i'm my dad now people would just be like why is whoever you swap bodies with become such a cunt recently this guy why is joel zamet way nicer what the fuck happened if i swap bodies with my dad i would just

be like i'm so much stronger now i'm gonna go cut down a tree take on the world punch a bear wouldn't have the skill but but I'd have the strength. But that's Freaky Friday. What are we writing? Oh, wait. Actually, no, Freaky Friday doesn't... No, actually, yeah, because when Lizzie Lohan's band is performing, Jamie Lee Curtis is the one who plays the guitar solo,

and Lizzie Lohan mimes because they've swapped bodies. So, yeah, it's your brain in their head. Yeah, I don't get my dad's skills. I get his strength, though. Yeah, you get his strength, and you get his body. That's about it. All right, well, can you top that? Have I just won again?

I would hate to live in the Star Wars universe, but in particular the height of the Jedi Council. Yeah, there's no air in space. You're right. I'm going to put for the Star Wars universe, but in particular the height of the Jedi Council. Yeah, there's no air in space. You're right. I'm going to put for the Star Wars universe and the height of the Jedi Council. So we're talking the prequels. Yeah. That was episode one, two, and three.

Why? For one very, very telling scene, I think. Have we all seen episode two? Yes. Not in a long time. Do you know the scene where Mouse from The Matrix, that character, I think his name is Alan Sleazebagon or something like that. Sleazebagon, Sleazebag something.

He goes up to Obi-Wan and he's like, hey, you want some death sticks? Yeah. And rather than say like, no, I don't want some death sticks because they're cigarettes or whatever they are, but I'm guessing cigarettes. Rather than saying, no, I don't want death sticks, he's just like, no, I don't want death sticks because they're cigarettes or whatever they are but i'm guessing cigarettes rather than saying no i don't want death like death sticks he just was like no i don't want death sticks also i want you to rethink your life this is bad stop smoking and do all this kind of bullshit right and completely changes this guy's mind so like you don't you don't live in that

version of style that the prequels because you will have literally no free will yeah assuming there's a jedi about yeah because the jedis are what one percent if that of the galaxy barely that they're like a point zero zero zero one there's like but none of them very powerful so being a citizen in that universe where those exist i have no free will what if i want to smoke what if i want to do drugs what if i want to like could you find like a back do drugs? What if I want to, like, party? Could you find, like, a back alley Jedi and be like, hey, a Jedi took my desire to smoke. Can you give it back?

You wouldn't know that, though. You wouldn't know that you've been a Jedi mind-wiped. Is that so bad? Yes, Jackson. Because you've experienced everything you wanted to experience. I don't think drug addicts are like, man, I'm going to try this drug because I really want to get addicted. So I feel like them getting rid of your addiction...

I get that it's not okay. But it wasn't an addiction. You don't know that this Alan Sleazebag dude was addicted. No, I know. But you're saying if you just want to hang out and smoke some cigarettes, maybe a janitor's been like like, hey you've had your time But that should be on me to decide Well, I get from a free will perspective

it's bad, but if a Jedi came up to me and was like, whoop, Jackson, you no longer want to smoke Not that I do, but if they're like, Jackson you don't want to smoke, no more You're done. You hate it And then I was like, man, I hate smoking now I don't know. It's the Matrix problem again again i'm like oh well this is how i feel now all right jackson you're no longer sexually attracted to your girlfriend you like to make out with vending machines i will be like well

this is my life now but i'm not gonna know it's rough i'm just gonna be like no you're exactly and you're not gonna know it's i just feel like'll just be like, hey, Michelle. I don't find you attractive. Sorry, I guess, but that shit machine, it's going to get a Roger. Something, something, not about those cans anymore. About those cans. Cans of Coke, because I want to fuck a vending machine. I guess it's rough. It is rough.

It's bad, but I feel like it doesn't, you don't get any of the consequences. I also wonder how often it happens. I mean, it happens to that one guy, but I feel like it doesn't... You don't get any of the consequences. I also wonder how often it happens. I mean, it happens to that one guy, but like... It's in the... If I saw a Jedi, I'd just run away. It's in the height of Jedi Council. The Jedi Council are the ones that are controlling everyone.

If Obi-Wan is considered to be a pillar of goodness, Obi-Wan is like, you know, he's the top cop. He's the good fucking Jedi. He's the Robocop of Star Wars. And if he is doing this chances are others are doing it also sith are in that universe sith aren't gonna be like hey you know what you don't like death sticks they're gonna be like hey you know what death sticks go adam do 10 smoke right now i don't give a fuck show me how many how many jedi are there actually

give me a rough estimate in the in thequels? Yes, in the prequels. In the Jedi Council? I have no idea. Let's just say there's a massacre, so there's a lot. Okay, so a ballpark figure like five grand? Five grand worth of Jedi. Maybe ten thousand, let's say. Okay.

How big is the universe? I'm just wondering if I could just get away from that hassle. You probably could, but the chance that you don't know Go to Tatooine Because up until Go to the Adarims Go hang with some hots But then you have scum and villainy

But your thing is that you don't like Because the whole thing with Jedi is If they're corrupt, they're not going to be Jedi anymore But Obi-Wan's not corrupt. He changes someone's free will. But he also, you can argue that that's sort of like a benefit. Could you go to the Jedi Council and be like, hey, I'd like it back?

But you wouldn't know what happened, though. That's what's pissing me off. Does he wipe your memory of the whole visit? I don't know. Because if he's just like, hey, Xamon, you no longer like smoking cigarettes. And you're like, oh. You wouldn't question it, though.

You might be like, oh, I guess I remember liking smoking cigarettes once, so maybe I'd like it again. Or you'll just be like, well, that's a couple more years onto my lifespan. Also, they call them dad sticks sticks So we're not 100%

We're not 100% sure what it is It could be cocaine It could be heroin Or we could have just saved this man's life Even still though, free choice I guess I just feel like that's not the worst I feel like that's a rough side effect

Of living in that land What if you like to drink? Uh-huh. What if you like a couple of, you know? A couple of brewskis. A couple of brewskis. A couple of hundi. Before breakfast.

Sneaky hundi beers after work. Yeah, sneaky hundi beers. Go out on the weekend, have a sneaky binge drink, whatever. And that's your, like, vice, whatever. That's how you do to get through living this terrible Jedi-filled world. That's how you survive your depression. Yep. Drink it away. Whatever. Or, like, that's how you do to get through living this terrible Jedi-filled world. That's how you survive your depression. Yep. Drink it away. Whatever. Or let's say you unwind. And then there's

some fucking high and mighty Jedi. Obi-Wan motherfucker who's got this vendetta against alcohol. And suddenly he's like, nah, alcohol is banned and I'm gonna go and make sure and everyone's like, you no longer drink booze, whatever. It just takes away that choice. I feel like a Jedi is not going to be like, I'm making booze, whatever. It just takes away that choice. I feel like a Jedi is not going to be like,

I'm making booze illegal. Jedi prohibition. But fucking Obi-Wan does it. He does it with death sticks. We don't know what death sticks are. Maybe he knows the guy. Maybe the guy's got a big problem. His name is Sleazebags.

Also, he tries to sell a Jedi those things and they're clearly illegal. So he's making wrong choices in life. He's not the cleverest sounding dude in the world. I don't think that thing's illegal. Why would he be trying to sell them from his cart like they're illegal if they're not illegal? You're making assumptions now.

Maybe he was a... I'm fucking making assumptions. You're making assumptions with my good friend, Alan fucking Sleazebag. Yes. I feel like he wouldn't have it. Because Obi-Wan is the one that says his name, yeah? So he's clearly got a reputation.

Yeah, that's true. I just think it's... Like, I get it. I get it. It's like, hey, it's nice to have a choice in things. But if it's just, like, good stuff? Like, you know, like Jackson. Hey, you've got an unhealthy lifestyle.

You're going to exercise for an hour. I'd be like, sick. In fact, why aren't we employing Jedis to just help the people out? Then I'm for that. I mean, I am happy for you to be like, hey, Jedi, I will give you 100 credits to be like, boop, boop, mind wipe me. Kind of just be their good conscience. Do it out of the goodness of your heart, everyone.

Yeah. A little light. But again, it's your, i wish i didn't smoke as much hey jedi i've tried i've tried quitting i've tried hypnotizing but you do something better than hypnotizing you actually wipe my mind and mind trick it just imagine if you're like hey if you're like you're in a you're in a bar and so you you order just like a glass of blue milk and someone's like hey why aren't you drinking and you're like oh this fucking Jedi came down and he stopped me drinking

and then the alcoholic down at the end of the table is like you complaining about that I come from Tatooine there are worse things happening in the Star Wars universe is I guess what I'm getting at someone's like my parents got thrown in a Sarlacc pit and you're like yeah but I can't drink anymore

I don't drink anymore. I don't have control of my own destiny anymore. You're choosing all the bad things and vices that Obi-Wan or whoever. It's because it's like the whole point of being a Jedi is they're good. Yeah, that's fine for him to be a good person, but why does he have to make me choose something that is not even illegal? I get it, but I don't think it's the worst thing I also, yeah, I understand what you're saying and, like, I think both Jackson

and I are on the same page, but you've given us, like on a scale of, no, actually, on a scale of good to bad, it's like a 6 out of 10, it's pretty good It's changing your personality It's changing one thing about you If they came up and they were like, Jackson, you're now an angry dick. That would

be rough. But they're not doing that, are they? Jedi aren't doing that. The only evidence we have is potentially Obi-Wan saving someone's life. He doesn't save their life. He's just like, you don't want to. And it's his livelihood as well. Smoke your products! He's selling cancer sticks. Or death

sticks, though. He's selling death sticks. He's not like, hey, don't sell them. He's like, just don't smoke them. Well, good. Now he's stopping kids from smoking death sticks. He's selling cancer sticks. Or death sticks, though. He's selling death sticks. He's not like, hey, don't sell them. He's like, just don't smoke them. Well, good. Now he's stopping kids from smoking death sticks. But that was... He's cleaning up the street! That was young sleazebags' livelihood. Okay, Joel.

He just fucked a small business owner. Joel, you're a cop. Yeah. You see a man selling heroin to a teenager. Yeah, cool. I arrest that man. It's the same fucking thing, except instead of putting him in jail

to rehabilitate himself, you're just doing instant rehabilitation. Crime and punishment. But there's crime and there was... The punishment exists because we can't just instantly fix people. Do you know, there would be no mental... There would be like, oh my God,

so many problems solved by these Jedis going around and making the world rad. You've kind of like... I was on board with Star Wars... With my argument of space has no air i was on board with star wars being a rough place to live but now that you've like we've kind of made it sound awesome yeah like i'm happy i can change so many like that's cool if you were wanting to no it's because you're you you're assuming that all jedis are just going to instantly be like i'm a cunt now i'm just gonna ruin every how many sith are there if there's assuming that all Jedi's are just going to instantly be like, I'm a cunt now.

I'm just going to ruin everyone. How many Sith are there? There's not that many Sith. There's like two guys. Two dudes. Two dudes. You'd be like, oh, there's one. I'm off.

But Obi-Wan is like your beacon of goodness, right? No, Obi-Wan makes mistakes. He's not. That's the whole. Do you fucking watch this? I did once in a while. But Obii-wan is meant to be like the good he's the robocop of this no he's i know i said that before and you're quoting me but i disagree i feel like obi-wan is flawed at points all right but i'm saying if he's a person who's like you

never see yoda or anyone doing like that and i feel like he'd be the one that's like yoda loves the death look at him he fucking loves it he He gets his coat as a sneaky fag. They're like, Yoda, you coming into the council? He's like, yeah, just give us a sec. Fuck off, mate. Give us a sec, just. That's why he speaks that way now. Yeah.

He used to just talk like this. Now he... I can't do a Yoda. But I can do a Grover. Do Grover. I can't do a Grover. Ah, damn it. You lied to me.

The joke was that they're the same exact voice. One's just spoke wrong. Well, I'm all for a Jedi being employed or someone asking you to be like, look, I'm on the death sticks. They're just taking over my life. Can you help me out? And you'd be like, sure, I can.

But I don't like the idea of someone taking that into their own hands and doing that without consulting you. I think it's a violation of my human rights. No one's doing it to you, don't worry. That I would know of. I feel like did Sleazebag Yobi like, hey, man, nah. I'm good. I like it. He didn't even have a chance.

What if he ran? What if he was like, you don't like, and you just bolted and you'd be like, I hate everything! I guess you could run, but he doesn't get a chance to run again he was a guy that tried to sell something to Jedi

what did he think was going to fucking happen again we don't know exactly like trying to sell drugs to a cop in uniform the cop's like you're under arrest and I'm taking away your drug business but it's the same thing. No, it's not.

What is completely changing your mind about it? The whole point with prison is that that's meant to happen. That's what prison is. That's just the Jedi mind trick, but over like 20 years. No, it's not. It's... You know, prison, the point isn't just the point. You're coming to a conclusion learned by

yourself. That is what it is. You reflect, you do all that kind of stuff, whereas this is like you have no revelation, you have no control it doesn't matter, you get to the same place it just takes quicker you also don't know what a Jedi mind trick feels like, maybe you get all of that just in an instant, maybe you're like, hey neat yeah, that'd really hurt me, cheers

Obi-Wan, I won't smoke death sticks anymore yeah, cause like, you don't know how your brain's gonna stand in citizens yeah, yeah, yeah star wars is all right ah i think it's a violation of at least some sort of you want to talk about violation of fucking human rights i do let's get to mine fucking pokemon okay so first of all you turn 10 then like here have a fucking monster fuck off go get some badges and collect more monsters some of them when you get like a little

further on are fucking dragons and shit no no no no no no no riding a cool dragon yeah okay it's like being like when you're 10 I give you a handgun alright go fight that thing that has a machine gun if you beat it you get the machine gun no but it's more like I gave you a handgun Alright Go fight that thing that has a machine gun

If you beat it, you get the machine gun No, but it's more like you give me a handgun And you're like, go put that handgun on the ground It'll fight the machine gun itself Also, that handgun is sentient And that handgun will become a bigger handgun Than a bigger handgun with two, like, three barrels Also, you will love that handgun

And treat it like a sibling. Handgun. Handgun. Handgun. Machine gun. Why did we both go high for machine gun? But you're also standing in the background, so there's always a chance

that you could just be hit by a stray bullet. Because that's a thing that happens in Pokemon. Really? Sometimes the trainer gets hurt. Oh, guys. I feel like that's a child that happens in Pokemon. Really? Sometimes the trainer gets hurt. Oh, guys. I feel like that's a child abuse. Uh-huh. Is it?

Do you have to? I don't think. Oh, actually, that's a weird thing because it never says you do. But I'm pretty sure if you were 10 and you were the only one in your class that didn't get a Pokemon and because it was your choice,

you'd be bullied relentlessly. And then you'd just be attacked by other Pokemon anyway like you can't fucking go in grass because otherwise that's true at the start of uh ruby and sapphire i think it is if you if you just like try and go into the grass at the very beginning they're like oh you don't have a pokemon just don't risk it does that mean you just do that in all the games say in your house always the grass is full of monsters yeah so you kind of have to have a Pokemon just to survive that horrible world outside. It's like if the grass was full of guns. Yeah.

Just shoot at you if you come near. And that also means that it's like, oh, you don't have a Pokemon, so it's not safe to go. Which means that Pokemon will attack humans. That's true. They'll just do it. You cannot avoid it. And some of them are just like bullets. It is like handguns

Some of the Pokemon moves That can get you And some of the basic Pokemon at first Just have like fucking pidgeys They're in the first area They're pigeons, they're four-f's They have a move called Whirlwind That's a child

That would not just destroy a child But also infrastructure See what I mean? small town it's like living in a war it's like living in a war one pigeon but worse

what it seems like to me it's like living in medieval Japan if it was full of dinosaurs yeah looking at history Australian history It's like living in medieval Japan if it was full of dinosaurs. Yeah. It's kind of like looking at history, particularly Australian history, I don't know how many of us know about Australian history, but when we fought against the emus,

and we lost. Because sometimes animals are that big. I know about the Great Emu War, and the funniest part is it was after World War I. It wasn't in that fucking long ago. Australia was just like, we've got too many emus, we should fucking declare war on them. With our World War I guns

that we've got left over, and we fucking lost. But then later on we declared war on them again and won, so that's alright. Wannabeast. I feel like it would just be the world war on emus, but constantly and losing. Also, like, do you know what else is fucked? Your Pokemon can It would just be the world War on emus but constantly Losing Also like do you know what's fucked

Your Pokemon can faint which means You can just be in tall grass and then like All my Pokemon are unconscious I have to run back to a Pokemon center What if you get attacked then Can you put a Pokemon back in it's Pokeball after it's fainted I think so I was like imagining a kid Like gets a Charizard

Grabbing it by the tail and dragging it. It's like... Oh, my God. Some Pokemon are just flat out on fire. That's true. How do you, like, you know how, like... Some are just ghosts as well. Yeah, some are just ghosts.

There's also some that just steal children. Yeah, some just men. Just basically guys. Basically just dudes. Yeah, some just men. Basically guys. Basically just dudes. Hey bro, can you just fucking fight this guy? Yeah, no worries, man. Yeah, whatever. He's just a dude.

Machirkin Machirkin. Yeah, Machamp is a dude with four arms. That's still a dude. And also the whole world, each island seems set out for Pokemon fighting. If you hit 10 and your mom's like hey here's a fucking Mr. Mime and fuck cunts up and you're like

mom I'd actually just really like to open a florist she's like the hell? this is a Mr. fucking Mime you go out there and you fuck up cunts take the Mime Jackson slap him double slap I don't think you could actually make a living

if it wasn't in some way related to Pokemon. Could you? There is weird stores in the Pokemon games, like Bicycle Shop, but the fucking cunt charges you like $9 million for a bike. Yeah, that's true. And then he's just like, you know what? Just take one for free.

That's a terrible business strategy. Like, it's nine million. I've got nothing. That's a bad business strategy. That's not good bartering right there. Maybe his plan is that if one person buys a bike, he's pretty much solved for the rest of his life. Also, a big issue in, it's definitely in the first game,

and I don't know if Ash has this issue in the TV series, but there's a casino. Let's 10-year-olds in to play the fucking slots? It seems weird that a world is just like hey your 10 do whatever you like when I was 10 I'm oyster pretty not pretty sure I didn't even know what like my nuts, huh? Like if you gave him a champ, I don't think you could teach my champ to get mr. My maybe this time seems like a bit too clue II I like I'd wake up and he'd be at the end of my bed and he'd be like, Mr. Mime.

I'd be like, go to sleep, Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime. It's time to go back in your Pokeball and throw it. He just slaps it away. Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime. Go ahead and strangle your mum. Damn it, Mr. Mime. Frankie Friday mixed with Pokemon, waking mum Damn it Mr. Mime

Frankie Friday mixed with Vokemon Waking up as a Mr. Mime Mr. Mime? Mr. Mime Mr. Mime That was me screaming but I didn't know how to scream I could just say Mr. Mime For those playing at home

Mr. Mime There we go It's weird that a 10 year old can do Do whatever they want When I was 10 I couldn't Leave the house really I couldn't leave our property I think when I was 10 my bedtime was still like 8.30

What's 10? What grade is that? Grade 4 4 or 5 No 4 You turned 10 in grade 4 That's young. That's young. Young as hell.

I think I just learned how to tie my shoelaces. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to leave the fence, and I lived in quite a nice little neighborhood. You weren't allowed to leave the fence. Like, stand on that fucking fence, ten-year-old Jackson. Don't you fucking dare get off. Ten.

I wake up, they put me on the fence, and when it's bedtime, I can get off. At a weird... You have to be carried off, though. Just 10. Every other year, totally normal childhood. I had to avoid all the tall grass. Those guns would attack you. See what I mean, though?

It does seem pretty awful. That's not even the darker stuff. That's just general life in Pokemon. It gets worse. It does. go on. Like, okay, so you've survived having all the Pokemon and that. You fucking get to like the end of your journey and then there's fucking legendary Pokemon

and that's a completely fucking different thing. Oh, yeah, because they're like just gods. It's just like if just gods were about. And it was like, hey, 10-year-old Jackson, go collect dinosaurs and then fight a god. As a 10-year-old Jackson, go collect dinosaurs and then fight a god. As a 10-year-old, I'd be like, can I just go to school and get educated? No, you're done.

Your education's done. They have no education past the year 10. They have schools, but they're Pokemon schools. Level. So year 10? A 10-year-old level. Yeah. It's a similar problem to Harry Potter, where it's just like, once you turn... No, it's worse, though. Yeah, because it's slightly younger. Because with Harry Potter, they're like Yeah, you have a normal primary school education

And then you trip off to wizard land And then I guess in primary school, they'd be preparing you For when you turn 10 and fuck off To have a Pokemon, to fight All you know is fighting Fighting is how you would solve all your problems as well To get to a certain island, you just have to sit on a Pokemon for ages Yep, what if you fall off?

What if you're not a very, you don't have the right Pokemon? Are you like, I'll just never visit that island? What if your Pokemon hates you? Yeah. What if you're shit? What if your Squirtle's going to be like, oh, oh, oh, can you hold your breath underwater? Yeah. Also, Pokemon can have personalities, so there's nothing stopping a Pokemon from hating you.

Yeah. Charizard fucking hates Ash. For a bit, until he saves his life, and then they're bros again. He's still kind of... You can see the resentment in his eyes. He's holding a grudge. Chipping his shoulder. Charizard.

I remember. I remember that I used to hate you, and we're all right now, but just know that I still have those memories. Just know that you do one wrong thing and don't fuck up Ash because that's on you. It's hard to imagine getting to adulthood in the Pokemon world and still having

like a nice healthy stable emotional state. Yeah there's also another giant thing there's terrorism groups that are just all over the shop. That the police are apparently just like fucking useless to deal with. But again, 10-year-olds, because everything's solved for Pokemon battles, are like, hey, can you not be terrorists in this town?

I'll battle you. What if I fight you to the death? Can you imagine, though, if you're a 10-year-old and you make your way through all of the towns? I don't even think I knew how to make my bed when I was 10. Neither. Still don't. I was going to say, I think I peed sitting down when I was 10. I still

pee. I saw you use a urinal before. It was weird. Yeah? Because you were sitting in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just taking a hot shit. Ah, clever. Clever. Wise move. No, but imagine, so you're a 10-year-old, and you've gone through it. You've gone through the

different gyms. You've got a Pokemon. They're all, like, level 70, whatever. You come to the Indigo League? Pokemon League? What the fuck is the Indigo League? Indigo Plateau is, like, the name of the thing before it. Like, the area.

The... I forget its name again. Elite Four? The Elite Four. You fight them. The Pokemon League, yeah. You win. Are the Elite Four also 10? Or are they... No, they're full-boned adults full-boned adults full-boned adults their bones have completely

grown they're fully boned i'd like to imagine that in a um like a personal ad joel ducha handsome fully boned here's your phone my phone number but then then you beat the Pokemon League. You win. You're the champion. You become the champion, which in the games isn't dealt with, but you become the champion, so you're meant to stand there

and wait for some other cunt to come along. Yeah. Is that your job now? Yeah. To prepare for your Pokemon? And make sure that they... You can become a Pokemon breeder, though, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, you remember in Harry Potter we went through the jobs? You could do that again, and there's less. Like, Pokemon trainer, shop owner. Breeder. Breeder. Casino operator. Casino operator.

Terrorist. Terrorist. Safari park operator, I guess. Yeah. Hey, in the TV series, he pulls a gun on Ash. Good job. Jesus Christ. Ash is dead. Uh-huh. And he pulls a gun on Ash. Good job. Jesus Christ. Ash is dead.

Uh-huh. And he has a handgun in his face. How do kids survive with a Pikachu and zap shit? Yeah, but, like, I'm not bad with animals, but I'm not great with them, guys. Yeah, I'm not great. Like, I'd be like, Pikachu, dead. That's because they have a better sentient level than our normal animals.

I guess you can just ask it to do something. I think when they give it to you, do you form an attachment? I suppose. What if it's something shit like a Diglett? Pikachu hates Ash until Ash saves his life. So you have to save your Pokemon life. Same with Charizard. Yeah, that's weird.

That's odd. I would orchestrate all these things. Either orchestrate Rube Goldberg machines where I either save my Pokemon's life or it dies and I have to get a new one. Also, yeah, because it's not like Pokemon are fainting

in that situation. There's a legitimate chance of death. Which means Pokemon can die. Actually, again, that fucking happens to Ash. Pikachu almost dies in the seventh gym because there's like a legitimate chance of death. Which means Pokemon can die. Which means that... Actually, again, that fucking happens to Ash. Pikachu almost dies in the seventh gym. Yeah. Because there's a fucking magma flame throwing the shit out of it. It almost falls off the edge into lava. And that's a gym. That's a thing

where kids are meant to be going. Is the reason like the technology in the Pokemon world is just shit? No, but it's really good. Is it? They can keep animals in little balls. Oh, yeah. And teleport. You can put Pokemon into a computer.

That means you can probably put a person in a Pokeball. What's to stop putting a person in a Pokeball? What's to stop putting a person in a computer? What's to stop prisons just being like Bill's PC? And instead of Pokemon, it's just criminals. So the terrorist organization, are they trying to break out people? Terrorist organization,

they're not really sure what they want to do. Are they freedom fighters? Some are. Yeah, in later games, things get a little weird. I kind of agree with some of the things. Yeah, they're like, hey, make an animals fight isn't okay. But they want to. Yeah.

I actually, like, I was on board for Freaky Friday being rough. But it's only bad for me. That is a society. Yeah, the entire world is in trouble. Like, there's a constant fear of death. That's only bad for me. That is a society. Yeah, the entire world is in trouble. There's a constant fear of death. Like, sure, maybe the Jedi's will improve your life and add years to your existence. That sounds awful.

Hey, hey, hey, look. Jedi's, goodbye free will. And there are other problems with Jedi's, but I don't really care about that. My issue was free will, but again, that's all about me. It's my choices. My issue is I haven't even put myself in this world. I'm just worried about everyone else.

Right? Okay, look, if we put me in the world of Pokemon, things turn out okay, because I'm sure I'll be fucking rad and the champion within a week and a half. They'll be like, hey, do you want a Mewtwo that loves you and a gun? Gunner! Also, do Pokemon work in like

because your parents or your friends give you a Pokemon like what if they're just like here's a Rattata

like good luck yeah I know some Pokemon are objectively worse than others is that sort of like when you're Christmas

your friends parents get their kid a PS2 and you get like a fucking book yeah and you're like

hmm so you know what they get like a they get like a Charmander and you get like a fucking Magikarp. Or Gold... No, Goldeen.

No, Magikarp, because eventually... No, no, no, Goldeen. Because then you get a Gold King out of that. No, a Sea King. Yeah, Gold King. Sea King, it's a Sea King. Yes, it is. I think that happens.

Also... Fucking bug catchers have just catapies, and you're like, did your parents not buy you Pokemon? Did you have to find your own in the grass? Also, bug catchers use a net to catch and you're like did your parents not buy you a Pokemon did you have to find your own in the grass also bug catchers use a net to catch Pokemon that doesn't seem right do they just whack it

with a net until it weakens a bit also leveling up how does that work in real life the Pokemon world is is just going back to Magikarp though if you get a Magikarp

and like damn it but you play with it and you evolve it and you pat it and it gets levels up or something now the moment you evolve it and you pad it and it gets levels up or something yeah the moment you evolve it you're like

now is a dragon a sea dragon you are not in sea what happens Magikarp's a fish and you're not at sea so that's also an issue but like you can have

a Magikarp in like a fish tank in the middle of your house and then they're like yeah I'll just feed it and then it's like one day what is that

fucking evolution music I don't know but that was the Pokemon. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. No, it's just... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Your Pokemon's evolving. Congratulations.

Da-da-da-da-da. Jurassic Park. And then you come home and your house is a Gyarados. Yeah. I just... I can't imagine living comfortably when you're not there to say stop evolving also that's the thing you can just be like stop evolving also there's that's too funny

also what if you're finally I can break free and be something stop damn oh come on oh god is that like forcing a shit back up into your butthole? I feel like it's when you're about to cum and then you're like, Oh, yeah, that's probably a better feel. Well, that's a worse feel.

You're like, oh, okay, back in control, but I'm not happy about it. I don't really know what forcing shit back up my butthole feels like, to be honest. But, hey, douche is on it. I honestly can't imagine a worse world to live in than the Pokemon universe. I feel like the moment I hit 10, it's like why go on?

It's like being at war all the time. Everybody's war children. My dumb bullshit aside with the Jedi, even just looking at the Jedi counts, looking at the Jedi, looking at living in a world with the forces, all that kind of stuff. Still not as bad as living in the world of Pokemon. And I have only skimmed the surface. I could talk for years.

I'll just give you a brief rundown of things I haven't covered that is fucked. If you see someone, you have to fight them. If you lose, you have to give them money. If you lose, you have to fucking run back to a Pokemon center because your Pokemon are dying. Can't you throw in the towel and be like, stop hurting him?

Apparently, no. No, you can't. You have to battle. It's like battling to the death the moment you lock eyes with anyone. Well, it's nice for me to win an episode. Yeah, it doesn't happen that often. I can't even argue that, no, you're wrong in this.

Because if you say I'm wrong about anything I said, I'll just give you another ten reasons why I'm right. Have you got anything else just to really cement us into the ground that, yep, you win? Ash doesn't have a father. That sucks. Awful. Well, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

Pokemon's fucked, guys. At least you got free will, though. At least you're not waking up in the body of a Pokemon. Mr. Mime! Mr. Mime! Mr. Mime! If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?