Plumbing the Death Star - We Bought a Zoo. Now What? with Nate Bethea from Trashfuture

Episode Date: May 1, 2022

Nate teaches us a very important lesson about moose and we teach Nate on an often forgotten era of the 1950s vacuum salesmen. Go listen to Nate on the Trashfuture podcast, just search for it on your little google machine and we're sure you'll figure it out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy. Culture. Adventures. And ghosts. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel.

I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we are joined by Nate Bethea from Trash Future. Woo! Where we are- you can talk, you can talk. I can talk. You can talk. Nate.

You can talk, you can talk, you can talk I can talk, you can talk You can talk, you can talk, you can sing Trashfuture fans do know in fact that I can sing Exactly one song about What if the bin man was hard Or do you remember when the bin man was hard But otherwise not really a singing guy And today we are asking the important questions Like

We bought a zoo. Now what? Matt Damon, he bought a zoo. His wife died, he bought a zoo. He's like, I know what my, you know what would have probably saved my wife maybe? If we had had a zoo. If we bought a zoo. So, look, I know what my... You know what would have probably saved my wife, maybe? If we had had a zoo. If we bought a zoo. So, look. Yeah.

Straight off the bat, I'm going to admit something to our audience and to my good friends. Okay. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen this movie. Interesting. I'm pretty sure I know what happens. Which I have an admission as well. Okay. Yeah.

Jackson, what's your admission? I also have not seen Matt Damon's We Bought a Zoo. I have a sneaky confession I have to make to everyone in this room, but I have yet to see We Bought a Zoo. I had forgotten Matt Damon was even here. I am unaware of the fact that a film called We Bought a Zoo exists. But that's more a me problem than a you problem. In 2011, Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson. I think it might be Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson.

Charlie's daughter. I think it might be Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson. Yeah. Matt Damon's wife dies in 2011, maybe, buys a zoo to cheer up his sad kids because their mom's dead. Yeah. Is Scarlett Johansson the wife or is she the love interest?

I think she owns the zoo. She's like a zoo person. I think she works at the zoo that they bought in the titular We Bought a Zoo. Okay, I got another confession to make. I don't know how you buy a zoo person. I think she works at the zoo that they bought in the titular We Bought a Zoo. Okay, I got another confession to make. I don't know how you buy a zoo. Yeah, it does seem like the kind of problem, like, I woke up,

you know, and I made a spur of the moment drunk purchase. Like, you have to be at a super high echelon to be like, I bought a zoo. Like, normally it's like, my brother one time when he was in college woke up and he was like, I don't know what I did last night, but i have a half-eaten starbucks cookie a cup of coffee and an nes game called legacy of the wizard like that sort of drunk purchase tier that i can conceive of buying a zoo i don't really know how you imagine waking up drunk looking at your phone

and your messages are like the gorillas are hungry who did i text so okay let's all right so if we we bought a zoo yeah what's step one well either we're gonna have to be like very wealthy to buy a good zoo or the zoo has to be in pretty disrepair for say us to afford well matt damon buys a zoo with giraffes in yeah okay that's gonna be an expensive zoo. Years ago, I visited the zoo in Buenos Aires. Not very well maintained, but it does have cappy bars just running around free everywhere. And to me, that kind of sparked an idea that if I owned a zoo, there has to be some animal I let run loose throughout the zoo. What animal is that going to be, though?

I'm thinking alligator. Oh, yeah. I was going to go with peacock okay because they're pretty but violent in the interest of fairness because we all four of us co-own the zoo we each pick one okay so we've got alligators peacocks yeah i guess if i had to pick and this is more for uh i guess the australian vibe to the zoo yeah it should It should be emus. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. They're big. They're stupid. They'll steal your sandwich.

But when you look at them... And you're fine. Yeah. But looking at an emu up close, there's no greater joy than looking into its little beady eyes and tiny little head. Surely then you've seen the video of the British guy walking the emu around, right? Oh, yes. So there was a guy somewhere outside of Manchester who was blackout at like 11 o'clock in the morning.

And this guy is driving down the street. And he's like, guy filming from the car. He just sees him. He's like, you're walking in Austria, you da fucking cunt. And he's like, it's a fucking emu. And what it turns out is that he got drunk on eBay and bought an emu egg. And he thought it was like a model, but it was a live egg.

And so it hatched. And he's like, well, fuck, I've got an emu now. That's amazing. You can just do that? I have no idea. I mean, that's his story. There might have been

a dark web involved way of getting an emu that's a lot more sordid but yeah. eBay in brackets dark web edition. So we have crocodiles,

alligators. The emu and peacocks I'm assuming will be teaming up as they roam around. Obviously, we each get to pick an animal. I would say lemurs. Lemurs!

Great for the vibe. Huge fan that we have peacock alligators snapping at your feet. And then we have lemurs and emus stealing your phones and sandwiches. I have a quick question, though. What is a zoo? What constitutes a zoo? Dangerous question. What is a zoo? What constitutes a zoo?

Dangerous question. What is a zoo? What is a zoo? It's a place that houses animals. What though? There can't be other things. Well, I mean. I don't think you can have a zoo with no animals. You can't have a plant zoo.

You cannot have a plant zoo. No, you can't have a plant zoo. Look at these plants. Do they have to be in cages? There's no word for a plant zoo though. Like technically an arboretum is a plant zoo, but no one would call it that. Or if in cages? There's another word for a plant zoo, though. Like, technically, an arboretum is a plant zoo, but no one will call it that.

Yeah. Or if you did call it that, they'd think you'd had a stroke. They'd understand, but, you know. Plant zoo. And understanding is the key to communication, so... Well, if you have...

Like, you have to have exotic animals. What if I unleashed, like, say, a hundred cats? Okay. In, like... Well, you could have a petting zoo.

In a field with wolves. Cats usually aren have a petting in a field cats with usually aren't in petting zoos yeah so it's got to be an enclosure yeah it's got to be animals yeah and whether or not those are animals you were expecting to see like like that would occur in the wild or not that's up for debate so you can make get a house yeah and you can put one animal in each room yeah and it's pay rent that's so basically, my garage is full of raccoons back home. Zoo. Yeah, exactly. Zoo.

If you charge for it, zoo. Or free zoo. If you don't charge for it. Yeah. How many things? Because, like. And what makes a petting zoo? Like, why is that different to a regular zoo?

Because you can touch the animals. I understand this. You can do what you like to the animals. I understand this. But can we say. I don't know about that. Can we make our zoo a petting zoo no matter what animals we have? So I think interaction with animals, to me, is more

important than looking at one. Well, every time I'm at the zoo, I want to touch every animal I see. Same. Yeah, same. So I think, unfortunately though, and this is the sad reality, is you touch most animals, they're greasy and you're left disappointed. Yeah. I feel like there are some exceptions to that rule, though.

Nothing about hippopotamus makes me want to touch it. Are you kidding? I've seen them. No, they're so much bigger in real life than I was expecting. And then you're like, I think I'm okay with not letting that thing's enormous jaws get close to me. If I could touch a hippopotamus, I would die happy. What about a rhino? Any animal.

Yeah. You'd die happy if you touched an animal. You'd pet a dog or a cat. Yeah. When I go. Another example, though, I'd say is there were tapirs in the Buenos Aires Zoo. And there was a male tapper in one cage and a female in the other. And the male one just started making this kind of haunted howling sound and just got the weirdest erection I've ever seen in my life.

And I'd like to be able to describe it in pictures, but I don't want anyone to have their Google image search history say tapir erection. But needless to say, nothing about that situation made me want to touch the tapper yeah that's more like that's a haunted pig don't you have a tap of your story yeah i said a tap of your common offense once what yeah i was at the zoo with my brother it was an awesome day at the zoo yeah i can already figure out why i reckon and then uh we came to the tapir enclosure and we were just watching it and it was just uh it was backed up against the fence but it was hard and then it kind of started fucking the fence i guess and then we were watching it and we didn't see any jizz but the absolute worst smell of my life and i was there it was like me and my brother and there was like a family,

and then just a guy, just like a single person standing there. And as that smell wafted over us, it just, everybody left except me and my brother. Because we were like, that day, we were just coming to fest. Because that's a risk if you go to the zoo, you might see an animal come. That's part of the confidence.

So, you pay the money, there's a chance. So the angle, so you were standing behind Glock. I got a lot of got a lot of questions no no no so it was like a wooden kind of like partition yeah and it was like one of those enclosures where like if i wanted to climb in i could yeah okay and the tapir was like kind of halfway through up against the wall of its enclosure which was like a wooden fence yeah and it was it had its ass up against the fence yeah which so that's how it started there was a fence in the way yeah the ass was against the fence and you were standing on the other side of the fence no no no no so i'm say say you're the end of the enclosure and for the mental image of this me and you are currently sitting the opposite

end of the table and say zamit and nate i'm we're next to Jackson going counterclockwise around the same table. And the tapir's got its ass up against, let's say, Nate. I'm next to Jackson. So it's jacking itself off backwards. Well, no, it started that way. And then it kind of rotated and kind of got up

against the fence. Got it. And then it made some gyrations. That's a long way for a smell to travel yeah it permeated the air it was horrible did you get a good look at its dick no no i didn't see its dick i'm not as lucky yeah it's weird and long that's all i can say like like it definitely my friend was with this girl he was dating and i managed to take a picture of like a cute photo for facebook with the tapper and it's enormous behind them and i was so proud of that composition but they didn't post it so i feel like yeah the magic was lost the other day i

was trying to take a video of a cute dog uh it was i was at a dog park and it was a french bulldog and it kept just rolling onto its back for no reason and i was like that's cute i'll send that to my partner and i took out my phone and it just shat the moment i traded the phone on it it just stopped doing that and just shat and then i have a video of that now you just got a video on your phone of a dog taking a shit yeah i'd explain the longer that video stays on the phone the less you're gonna remember why you have it and it's more just gonna be like huh you're the man with the guy with the video of the dog shitting and also you have to explain that you didn't take that video deliberately it wasn't meant to be like

a testament to that moment I didn't expect the shit and then people will be like why didn't you delete it why didn't you delete it that's probably question number one actually why didn't you delete it I don't know it's still on my phone I'll show it to you after I'm excited I do feel like it could be useful

as a sort of like when you've really had it with someone there's a reaction to send them that i was sending it's clever yeah just holding the phone up's a little bit extreme but you could also do that that's confrontational yeah hey you what do you think of this that's a dog taking a shit sir yeah yeah oh okay so buying a zoo owning a zoo yes how do maintaining a zoo yes well do maintaining a zoo yeah well yeah what kind of zoo

are we going with are we going for exotic animals are we going with like say because in Australia we do have those like I guess

the sanctuaries which are kind of like a zoo that's amazing well Jackson seems native animals yeah fucking stoked already

just to have four different types of animals wandering around that's Jackson's I can tell by the fact that he wanted to move on from there he's like yeah

our zoo four animals they're all wild that's it that's the zoo that's like a safari park oh yeah unfortunately and something we didn't really investigate uh until we moved on and i'm happy to continue moving on but the animals we picked yeah are gonna get eaten by one of the other one particular problem yeah yeah yeah probably won't eat the emu. Oh, yeah, well. Well, if you take it away, are they the ones that are fine when they're not near water?

Alligators? Yeah. Aren't alligators the wet ones? They're the dry ones. Is there a wet and dry one? Don't both of them need water? Well, yeah, no, no, but like if you were to- One's more wet than the other, yeah?

Yeah. I think a crocodile needs to be wetter. Okay. Well, alligators to be wetter. Okay. Well, alligators live in swamps. What does that tell you? Swamps are wet. What does that tell you? I don't know.

Okay, so maybe the alligators need to be wet, and they'll just die, and then the other animals will die. Or you just have swamps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crocodiles are in Australia, and are famous for being hot, and then going in the water to cool down.

So maybe that's why they need the water. Yeah, true. Yeah, I don't know enough about alligators. I'm just, yeah, if an alligator on an open field, like sort of grass, and say there's a peacock strutting its stuff, and then an alligator comes up, can it be like quick enough out of water to chomp on that bird? Yeah, surely. Okay.

Surely. Okay, that's a problem. Follow-up question. Why did you pick alligators? I like the way they walk Okay And I think it would be cool to be able to see Now I remember once when I went to

I think it was Dreamworld when I was a kid They used to have a parade around Basically tigers For any of our listeners outside of Australia Dreamworld is a theme park that's famously killed multiple children Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they used to have a couple of tigers. They were just on, like, chains that they would walk around the park.

Yeah. Now, I don't remember what happened to those tigers, but Dusha just said a beautiful sentence. Can you just repeat that again? Dreamworld is a theme park on the Gold Coast in Queensland in Australia that is mostly famous for the deaths of multiple children. And you buy tigers? I don't believe so. It's often decapitation from rides. Because the thought crossed my mind when you brought that up, and I actually looked it up.

I don't know if you recall this story that a couple of years back, maybe five years ago, a little boy got eaten by an alligator in Disney World, I think. Oh, no. So they were basically like they were in some area near a pond. And he wasn't even unattended. He just was outside of his parents' grasp for a minute. And an alligator came out of the water and grabbed him and pulled him under and ate him. Oh. And this was obviously a tragedy.

It was a horrible situation but also in the urge to have a take this one particular woman who uh this was her undoing said i'm so finished with white men's entitlement lately that i'm not really sad about a two-year-old being eaten by a gator because his daddy ignored the signs and said do not swim and needless to say people didn't really react to this well but i thought to myself i was like well if you have alligators running around in your zoo then you at least you know that a children are going to get eaten and b the takes will will be even harder this is in a way this will produce more content than any other zoo on earth

remember when Harambe got shot the internet lost its fucking mind I remember that'll happen every fucking day we'll be shooting so many alligators that it'll become humdrum well do you remember there was that zoo in Germany

and they were like, one of our giraffes we kind of hate. Yeah. So we killed it and then we fed it to the tiger or the lion. Everyone was like,

oh, don't do that. We're feeding a lot of peacocks and humans. I think it's going to be really good takes on Twitter for a while and then it's going to become boring for people.

Well, what if, to fix the zoo straight off the bat, you're going to hire, I guess, gunmen to just keep an eye on all the alligators and the moment it gets

near a person then they just put two in its brain. Okay, great. Well, we solved the alligator problem. Okay. What other animals

are we going to have in our zoo? Well, what's our showstopper? What's our, like, big ticket item? What is the weirdest possible, like, the animal that people are not expecting?

Yeah. What's a big bat? Any big bats we could put in the zoo? I think I like the idea of running a zoo where a big attraction is. What if we just put two alpha gorillas in one enclosure? See what happens. I think we could bill ourselves as like the kind of rebel zoo. The other zoos, they got all these rules.

They got all these regulations. Not us, you know? Come to the zoo to see what happens in the real fucking world. Yeah, the thought had crossed my mind, like, what animal did I miss seeing in the last zoo I went to? Well, they didn't have an albatross. And I realized, like, it would be very difficult to have an albatross in a zoo. It's an enormous fucking bird that needs to migrate across the planet. But, like, part of me kind of wants something improbable like that.

Yeah, yeah. Albatrosses, come on, grow up, zoos. You're all over the world. Just have a deal with another zoo that the albatross flies to your zoo. The amount of times that other zoo is going to get a phone call. They're like, hey, did you get the albatross yet?

I imagine given our ability to locate this in the flight path of albatrosses, I'm excited to move to Tristan da Cunha and just live there for the rest of my life and never see another person again. Okay, okay, okay. I like the idea of a zoo, like an exchange with other animals

where we just sort of hope, like let the gorilla out, it'll go to the other zoo. Sort of let the mic out, yeah. That's funny to do with animals that don't mic. I think... Like gorillas, yeah. Jackson.

Yeah. I think you're going to get across this plan big time. Okay. But I think our zoo should either, as a showstopper, should have one of two things. Okay. One is either taking one animal and another animal that would never, ever meet. Yes. And just putting them in the same thing, see how they deal.

Like, I don't know. I'm trying to think of an example. Crocodile and a gorilla? A gorilla and a kangaroo. Oh, both kind of bipedal, but not quite. That's what I like about that. And I like that gorillas- Chimpanzee and a kangaroo. Oh, both kind of bipedal, but not quite. That's what I like about that. And I like that gorillas- Chimpanzee and a dog.

They probably meet. I feel like they probably met at some point. Yeah. It's like, because I always think that's fucked up. Like how, so if you have a fish- Polar bear and a chimpanzee. Fruit bat and a penguin. Yeah.

Very, very awkward confrontation there. Do you think if you had like a like a hawk it would pick up a penguin that's the type of thing you'll find out at the zoo well i mean exactly you have open air zoo bird of prey enclosure and also a refrigerated section that's also open air somehow with a penguin alternatively if two animals meeting if that's gonna be too hard i think we should just have a show every day where we feed a different animal a meal that never encountered yeah like if you have a fish and a fish gets sick yeah you're meant to give it a pee yeah okay but that's

crazy because fish don't eat bees but i think fish eating the bay where's the fish fighting like wait so p like so say you've got like So this is based on a true story from my life. Okay. Where my housemate's fish got quite sick. And apparently a treatment for gut problems and stuff like that for a fish is to give it a pea. Yeah. But Jackson is like, when is a fish encountering a pea in real life? Yeah.

Because it's a cooked pea as well. It's not like... Yeah, when is the fish encountering a pea? I don't know. I don't know what a fish is meant to do in the wild. A pea is good for a fish. We're giving chimpanzee lasagna at 1pm today. Are we making it fancy, though?

Are we setting out a nice little table and maybe cutlery? Yeah, I think that'd be funny to watch. I want a bit of a show, because I would love to see what happens if you feed a bear, like... A pizza? Well, yeah, or a Big Mac. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do we think, like, obviously we're going to get a lot of lawsuits.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, kind of table stakes at this point, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. But what's the crime in feeding a chimpanzee lasagna? The chip's not unhappy. It's awesome for the chimpanzee. Because clearly we have to feed and water all these animals. And I reckon if we could make a nice sweet deal with some of the fast food restaurants around us,

we'd take some of their offcuts. And some of their, like, I guess... It's a McDonald's zoo. Yeah. The garbage at the end of the day, all these stale burgers they can't sell. I reckon I could feed a dolphin a stale burger and it would love it. I think so. I think we're having dolphins in the zoo.

It won't be stale because it'll be wet. Yeah. Nothing wet can be stale burger and he would love it. I think so. I think we're having dolphins in the zoo. It won't be stale because it'll be wet. Nothing wet can be stale. Kicked to death by an antelope because it refuses to eat a yumbo for the third day in a row. I think we've got we've got to walk a kind of knife search with this zoo. I don't know what it is, but getting kicked to death by an animal that kicks from

behind is so funny. Let me tell you this. So years and years ago in a different life, it feels like I was stationed at an army base in Alaska and they showed us a moose safety video when we first got there because they're like, listen, I mean, the guy giving the speech and giving us like the moose safety class obviously took it very seriously. It is just had this demeanor of like, listen, soldiers, these moose are no freaking joke. But he showed us this video that was basically looked like it had shot on like a first generation

digital video camera or like a webcam of someone getting kicked by a moose and every time they tried to get up the moose ran in circles and would just kick them and kept kicking them the whole point of the lesson was this person died because they tried to get up if a moose kicks you or tries to kick you lie down and let it establish dominance and then it will eventually get bored and walk away but 100 they run in circles and just kick you. Just get a fucking kick. That's so scary. They're so big, too. Nothing can prepare you for how fucking gigantic a moose is, too.

So I imagine an antelope furious over this shitty Burger King meal would be the same experience. So this moose video where a moose kicked a man to death by running around in circles and just kept kicking. Is it kicking its back legs out? Yes. Oh, that's hard. It's kicking out one leg, basically.

It runs circles around the guy. That's the most fucked up thing. And every time the guy tries to get up, he just does a back kick. First off, hey, you got kicked by a moose once. You're like, oh, fuck. This sucks. You're lying down.

You're like, I need to get out of this situation and get treated. You just go to move up. Smack again. You're like, okay. Okay. What's the odds it'll happen a third time? You get up a third time.

Smacked again. So being kicked to death by a moose, that's an intense video to see. But also imagine being a guy, a guy who gets killed by a moose, being repeatedly kicked to death, caught on camera. That's your legacy.

Your legacy is you're the guy. You died as a lesson yeah yeah i hope what happened to me can help others and there'll be plenty of people out there listening to this being like that's a really tragic image and horrible to think about but for me it's hard not to see find that a little bit funny it's also like i don't know why if you go really hardcore calvinist about it then you presume that that guy was born solely to be kicked to death by a moose so others may learn from his example like nothing else he did in his life it didn't have any meaning it was just that yeah a perfect date with destiny

because if this guy didn't get kicked the shit by a moose we wouldn't know just to not get up yeah yeah yeah right no not to get out like this i've learned probably useful like you know plumbing the death star says if a moose kicks you stay the fuck down yeah yeah i would strongly advise it yeah it also makes me wonder like if then if you become you know guy who gets his dick cut off trying to fuck a vacuum cleaner and you die from it like you ultimately that's you live as a lesson yeah exactly all you can do is be a lesson videos about that are probably rarer i can't imagine them showing that in a classroom i had a friend who was a nurse and she used to tell me some insane stories about people that would come into the er with like weird sex injuries like yeah like dick

amputated because he used a cock ring that was too small kind of thing so i imagine at least for nurses they might actually show them might be useful like in in the correct setting, that video could become a thing. Do you think if you were like a vacuum cleaner salesman, say back in like the 1940s and 50s, like on the road, you would think about fucking the vacuum cleaner? Oh, apes. It's like day two.

You get in the car, you got your map of all the places you need to visit. Turn on the car, look at the passenger seat, the vacuum cleaner. Turn on the car, turn on the vacuum cleaner. Road head. It's sort of like uh it's sort of like i mean what if there's like a like a secret among vacuum cleaner salesmen you have like like i don't know you know like what's the right word

for that stuff you know sami's dot kind of like booklet on how to make it totally feel like a chick like get two slices of sandwich bread like like a couple of cold cuts. Two slices of bologna. Put them in there. Like, there's this whole elaborate ritual that goes along and maybe it goes wrong sometimes.

You have to see a vacuum cleaner salesman going to a diner and buying a salami and mayonnaise sandwich and they don't eat it in the diner. They just take it

out to their car. He has a knowing smirk. He's like, it's for later. I'm gonna fuck my vacuum cleaner. Then I'm gonna sell it so this vacuum cleaner here it works a charm trust me

one of those vacuum cleaner salesmen that fucks his vacuum cleaner get out of my house buy the damn vacuum every vacuum's been fucked yeah you're so naive if you don't think they're all fucking their vacuum cleaners. What are you, a child?

Grow up and live in the real world. There is no vacuum that's ever been on this earth that hasn't been fucked. Dyson was a company built on cum. Before it leaves the factory, it's pre-fucked. You think I'm the first man to walk in here with a vacuum under his arm that is fucked? Grow up. Take a long, hard look at yourself. Now look at my groin.

I'm currently fucking this vacuum. Now, I'm going to ask you for the last time. Do you want to buy this fucking vacuum? Okay, all right. Thank you. Pleasure doing business with you. Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film?

And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news. We went and made a whole show that is just that, baseless speculation, where we baselessly speculate in upcoming films, TV shows, games, and more, with as little research as possible, so you don't have to.

Just search for baseless speculation on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts from, and join myself and these two knuckle fucks as we celebrate the death of cinema the only way we know how by making wild claims film studios would be too afraid or too stupid to do and then get shocked when we're right

once again that's Baseless Speculation available on iTunes, Spotify or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from the 50s were great I can see why everyone was on yeah fair enough that was your daily encounter jesus now i do remember something with vacuum cleaners and i i think it was like a a new technology revolutionizing this thing where they did put like a little bit of like a spinning blade in the i guess the vacuum well no the idea was being when you're sucking up all the dust and maybe you get some like large Like a little bit of like a spinning blade in the, I guess, the vacuum cleaner nozzle. It was to stop people fucking the vacuum cleaner.

Well, no, the idea was being when you're sucking up all the dust and maybe you get some like large clumps. Yeah, okay. It'll turn through. That actually makes sense. It's smart. It'll like kind of spin. And it was great until I think, yeah, you ended up getting a few people in some ER situations

for fucking that vacuum cleaner. Wow. Well, I mean, people would also be, it would also probably just cause problems of like, oh, my vacuum's clogged. I'm just going to probably just cause problems of like oh my vacuum's clogged i'm just gonna stick my fingers in oh wow my vacuum's clogged i'm gonna quickly stick my dick in to unclog it this is the thing i used to unclog everything oh no oh no my sink's clogged you would never believe what happened like sometimes you're vacuuming and you vacuum up like a spider or whatever oh yeah goodbye spider yeah yeah how are we gonna deal with the bad press around our zoo?

Embrace it. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Come see this fucked up zoo. Yeah, that's good. Like what action park? Yes, because I get confused because the Johnny Knoxville movie is called something similar, but it's not the same thing. Well, maybe it's not action park.

Yeah, I know what you mean. What is this action park you speak of? It was a theme park made by maniacs that were like, theme parks are soft now. Teenagers love... Yeah, it was a theme park kind of founded on the idea of dangerous rides and drunk teenagers. So it had an open bar that didn't check IDs or whatever. Why would you?

Every staff member was drunk. And it's very notable for having a loop-de-loop slide. Yeah. Which they never used, but they sent a dummy down to see what would happen, and it split in two. Yeah. There's a lot of...

Oh. Okay, okay. Can we incorporate some of that into our zoo? Yeah. I kind of want to see what a baboon would do with a water slide. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I was imagining we somehow slide people into the baboon enclosure. Okay, okay. see what a baboon would do with a water slide. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I was imagining we somehow slide people into the baboon enclosure or whatever.

Okay. Come see a balloon. Do we think... Okay, so rides. I like that idea. Rides of the zoo. Here's what I'm thinking. Okay, an animal attack, like getting kicked to death by a moose.

Thrilling. Okay, obviously. Invigorating. Yeah, dangerous. Yeah. So, you know when they train attack dogs or whatever, you get those big puffy suits? Yeah.

Is there a way to make, like, a full-on safe version so that we can just handball you into, say, the bear enclosure? What if we combined your idea with your previous other idea of rides? And what if stuff like a water slide where you're wearing that big suit? You're wearing, like, the EOD suit, basically. Yeah, yeah. The guy from fucking, what's it called? The Hurt Locker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the baboon enclosure. Ready for a bomb. You fly down the water slide, shoot out into, I don't know, a polar bear enclosure. You land in the water there, the polar bear beats you around a bit.

Yeah, flips you up and then it's been tranquilized and you're let out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it would be exciting. Like if you could be mauled by an animal, but you didn't suffer the consequences, like, what animal would you pick? I think I'd go an orca,

because I think that would be fucked up and scary. I don't think I would do anything involving water, just because I feel like the possibility of me being drowned. I'm already wearing a very heavy suit. They can tranquilize the animal all you want, and you can still drown. Yeah. It's sort of like a new variation on a shark cage. I'm already wearing a very heavy suit. They can tranquilize the animal all you want. You can still drown. It's sort of like a new variation on a shark cage.

You do die. I'm guessing I'd go with maybe either a bear or a kangaroo, but I don't want the suit. I feel like a bear, it's like losing a wrestling match in elementary school to the heaviest kid in your class, but it also smells like the worst dog you've ever smelled. And it's just you basically just lying there for most of the experience

and it's just going, I don't really think I would, I wouldn't pay money for that. That's fair. If I could like mini disc fucking memory recording from strange days, experience it in someone else's life, maybe I would be like,

oh yeah, I'll try it. Like watching a YouTube video for 10 seconds. Yeah, I'll try getting mauled by a bear in an EOD suit. But I wouldn't pay for it. And I certainly wouldn't do all of the getting armored up experience. Yeah, that's fair. I think a flock of ostriches? Recreate dude, where's my car?

Yeah, maybe go with cassowary. Oh, scary. But it's okay. You're not going to, yeah. What else would be fun but obviously this is water again but being death rolled by like a crocodile that'd be fun we already have crocodiles yeah we're gonna alligator multitask yeah i was thinking shoebill penguin because every time you see a picture of one of those you're like i wonder what would happen if one

of those fucked with me and like you could actually pay for the experience yeah you know you couldn't you wouldn't get your head lopped off by one yeah exactly you're probably not going to die from the are they probably not is probably not strong enough for the but you know how uh say a pelican can probably fit say a small jack russell in their beak yeah could the shoe bill fit like a me in it how big are they they their bill can they can definitely get it over a human head they couldn't swallow you whole but but I feel like... The joy on Jackson's face at the mental image. Because I feel like it's just the comical

size of the beak is the thing that no one, if you're not familiar with it, no one is expecting this. So let me just see if I can point this out. It's a big fucking bird. It's a big nose. It's a big boy. And I know you can see some of their faces like, this is just...

He's happy. Yeah, they're happy, but your head can fit inside them. Okay. I'd be happy, too, if I could fit a human head in my mouth. Yeah. Wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my fucking face. What about if we let people get in Pelican Beaks? Oh, that's all right.

You know. What? That's just full of salt water, well, water that they've picked up in their billiards, not like acids and stuff. Yeah, I think so. I don't think, yeah. I would like to hope they're not like velociraptors and shit. You know, they've just got this horrible concoction in their mouth.

Fuck. Yeah. A lot of attractions at the zoo. Yeah, I think- Oh, a big snake. Big snake! Let a snake bite you! Get eaten by a big snake.

Like a big- If I'm in, again, in this giant suit, and then a big constrictor comes, he's trying to crush me to eat me. Yeah. Knowing full well that I ain't getting crushed, and I'm going to get swallowed for a bit. That sounds like kind of fun.

There was that guy who said he was going to do that, and then he chickened out. I feel like it's just more one of these situations where it would be cool for the first 30 seconds, but this might last like 12 hours at a certain point you're sort of like it's kind of hot in this snake gut this kind of sucks yeah i'm getting on my phone scrolling through tiktok you know he's not even enjoying the experience kids always on phones these days can't even experience getting eaten by a snake i do think that like an action zoo which is what

we've created is definitely the way to go. We've made zoos cool again. Yeah. What about like a safe way we can be like attacked by animals? Maybe not in again, like the suit kind of stuff, but like, for example, getting say kicked by the kangaroo.

Yeah. Uh, we maybe have some like paramedics on there, like, you know, it's just full on happening. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So you get in there, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you're like, you know, you get on happening. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So you get in there, you're like, you know, wrestle with the kangaroo for a bit. It just, oh, yeah, you get kicked. Yeah, everyone like, kind of like, I don't know, rodeo clowns.

Yeah. They come in, distract the kangaroo. Paramedics come in and revive you. Yeah. Kind of like a, yeah, like a rodeo. Rodeo zoo. I've always been taken aback by how jacked kangaroos can look. It seems like to the point of self-parody almost.

Like someone's photoshopped a pit bull to be just like fucking throbbing games and stuff, but it's real. That's the thing that always gets me. Yeah. Yeah. That's terrifying. You tell a story, Jay. One of our friends coming from the UK, we were out in the bush, one of our friend's house,

and there was a snake, and she panicked and freaked out. We're like, whatever, it's a snake. Don't worry about it. We'll just keep going with the thing. And then another kangaroo just came out, and every Australian was like, ah and she panicked and freaked out and we're like, whatever, it's a snake. Don't worry about it. We'll just keep going with the thing. And then another kangaroo just came out and every Australian was like, ah, fuck, in the house. Get in the house.

Get in the house. Shit. Because he was a big jack, bull kangaroo. And a friend from the UK was like, no, it's nice. It's a kangaroo.

It'll full on kill you. The snake, don't stress. Kangaroo will kick you. The snake's more scared of you than you are of it you are more scared of the kangaroo kangaroo doesn't give a shit i'm sure you guys have seen this and your australian listeners probably have too but to me there was a very formative experience watching i believe it was a tiktok the video of the guy skydiving and then he's immediately hit by a kangaroo yeah and it's like that to me hammered home that like if you see them they

will come up and punch you oh yeah i only ever saw them from cars when i was in australia i never had a face-to-face encounter skydiver falling out of the sky and then immediately getting punched by kangaroo is pretty much what visiting australia is like it's weird it's like i get them the moose experience kind of transfers here in a way it's sort of like what if the world's most jacked fucking rabbit would hit you if it saw you that's basically what a moose is like but it's just a this is this because bipedal that's what makes it weird yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so yeah what do we think of it says it says rodeo zoo i like it i think that's a great idea for the zoo i like it's unique i was thinking as well i remember reading online about a guy who got bit by so many snakes he became immune to snakes. Maybe we can offer that service

as well. Yeah. Slowly keep getting bitten by, like, I don't know, some kind of... Just all the snakes. All the snakes? Okay, never mind. For 25 Australian dollars, come become immune to snakes through excessive snake bites. There was a guy who rated the feeling

of being stung by various insects, but he described it in almost like culinary terms of like spicy and piquant, you know, just sort of like a lemony pain that doesn't go away for 12 hours. And it's wild to me because one of the insects that he said was one of the most painful that he'd ever been stung by

is this kind of wasp that we had in New Mexico. I lived there for a couple of years as a kid called a tarantula hawk. And it's called that because it dives down and of years as a kid called a tarantula hawk and it's it's called that because it dives down and then fucking implants its eggs in a tarantula then its eggs hatchet the tarantula it's this horrible fucking it's this horrible fucking bee with bright orange wings and like hooks on the back of its uh of its of its of its hind legs yeah and like we used to see these things dive bombing and it's kind of weird because you're like as a kid you're like

oh that looks like a scary bee but you're not like freaked out by it and then you know down the rock down the road you basically see this guy's like werner herzog style blog about it's the most painful thing i've ever experienced in my fucking life and you realize how much you've dodged you were to like yeah yeah like that would have been a transcendental experience like as a kid like fucking getting a hangnail you thought was the worst thing that ever happened in human history so like i can only imagine what that would have felt like getting stuck by a bee was a big deal like fucking getting a hangnail you thought was the worst thing that ever happened in human history so like I can only imagine what that would have felt like getting stung by a bee was a big deal like fucking hell yeah we have that as an

enclosure yeah yeah well what do you what animal would you say just not worth it I don't want oh great question what animal do I not want at the zoo koala koalas are alright they're dumb as shit everyone Everyone thinks they're so good.

Nah, they're stupid. What about koalas but you can take them out of the tree and do what you like to them? That's fair. So we have the koalas like at the beginning of the zoo

and they're like, yeah, take a koala. Take a koala for a walk around the zoo. I'm feeling what I now know about vacuum cleaner salesmen. I wouldn't really want to give people that right. Yeah, no free reign for it.

That's a great point. That's a great point. I'm trying to think of animals that I just never really give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about the meerkats. Meerkats are mad. What a same situation. Into the pocket, a meerkat.

That's awesome, but I feel like it'll bite me if I hold it wrong. By its head. Then it can't bite me. Well, maybe that's how you should hold it then. Maybe this is a tame one, or like an obvious answer.

I would not want komodo dragons in my that's rodeo animal zoo just because like i've heard some bad stories about like how their whole acquiring food to eat mechanism works and it just sounds like shit how do they oh don't they it's like they need they have the worst fucking like hell mixture in their saliva and so they bite you and you basically like there is like a numbing agent that makes your muscles stop working but more often than not humans die because they get like it's like being bitten by a piece of dog shit like you just get this horrible infection because of how gross like because they they eat stuff and then regurgitate it after it's rotten yeah and then eat it again and so that's you basically get bitten by that oh my god yeah i imagine it's

probably painful too because it's like the world's biggest lizard. That's probably why. That's not really what I'm caring about at that point. Yeah, fair enough. No Komodo dragons. I don't want to be bit by a piece of dog shit. That's fair enough. Yeah, makes sense. I get that. Stuff like turtles and stuff, like whatever. What? What? Turtles are cute.

How big? The big turtles? Yeah. Well, you don't want them. No. I just think they're boring Like I mean You've seen one big turtle You've seen them all What about if they just Roam the zoo?

Maybe I actually So here's the thing Once I got in trouble at a zoo Because I was in A turtle enclosure With a big turtle And they were like What are you doing?

Get out of there It will break your legs How's that not exciting? Well I think I feel like I just have a vendetta With that turtle Because it got me in trouble It's a personal grievance

Maybe I want heaps of turtles Yeah, because that sounds like fun for our rodeo I feel like if you already have alligators roaming The turtles would be like a worthy adversary for the alligators Or the alligators can't bite you Because they're trying to crush a turtle but can't Okay, maybe this will get shut down But can we have feral dogs in the zoo?

Define feral Not domesticated Only if we have, say, like A flock of baboons That they will domesticate The feral dogs Oh, yeah They'll repeat the human domestication cycle

I've seen a couple videos online Where baboons get pet dogs It's pretty fucked up. I don't want to see it in life. I think it would be pretty cool if we eventually stopped running the zoo and the animals run the zoo. We bought a zoo. They run the zoo.

Yeah. What's a very intelligent primate? Chimpanzees are pretty clever. I think so. Can they run the zoo? Yeah. What are the cleverest animals? Chimpanzee, dolphin, crow, octopus. Orangutan. Orangutan. Right, yeah. Can they run the zoo? Yeah. What are the cleverest animals? Chimpanzee, dolphin, crow, octopus?

Orangutan. Orangutan. Okay, okay. I feel like they need the octopi running the zoo. They're all in tanks, but they're like pulling levers right now. We're like, all right, octopuses, and go, and they just release every animal. No! God damn it!

Punching an octopus in the top of the head. No! You fucked up! Oh, God, oh, God! And they were mauled to in the top of the head. No! You fucked up. Oh, God. Oh, God. And there were more to death by the alligators. Yeah. Yeah.

And, like, we kind of give this to them to run for a bit. Like, let's give them the opportunity to see what they do. Come to the only zoo run by animals. Yeah. And then you go in and you become the exhibits. Yeah. Oh, human zoo. Reverse zoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm guided by voices that have a song about this. It's just called human zoo. Yeah. That could be real life. And the animals can look at you for once. Yeah. So we have an orangutan with a crow on its shoulder and then like a portable tank full

of an octopus. You pretty much, you get let into the zoo. It's a big open space with trees and stuff. And then there's glass all around it where there's just animals roaming, looking in at you. I think that sounds sick. We bought a zoo. We made a zoo. That's pretty good.

They run the zoo. Can we escape? Yeah. You can leave. It's just like an inside-out zoo rather than a reverse. Inside-out zoo? Yeah. Whoa.

So I guess if we bought a zoo it would be good yeah I think that's the conclusion I'm sure Matt Damon well Matt Damon presumably gives Scarlett Johansson

a big kiss and that's what happens when he bought a zoo we'll kiss our wives our wives and on that note I've been Joe I've been Jackson

and I've also been Joe I've been Nate and Nate where can we find you please listen to Trash Future Podcast it is a podcast about the tech industry from a tech pessimist perspective. And because we're all stuck in Britain, it's about British politics too.

So if that sounds like something you're interested in, please take a listen. Thanks so much for coming on, Nate. And your zoo expertise has come in handy. Yeah, it's been useful. Thank you for being here at the Trash Future Studios, enlightening us with all the possibilities that owning a zoo can entail yeah yeah there's a lot of responsibility people don't know yeah and i think we covered them all yeah i think we've sorted it out basically we did it

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